Anything Better? - Pair Of Shoes

Episode Date: August 7, 2021

Is there Anything Better than Bill and Paul talking about how to age gracefully?

what's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast with myself paul bursey bill burr producer andrew themless and today you guys are listening to episode 27 my first number in football read here what cut out with the stupid fucking ad read these fucking cunts can't you just go to a fucking website now without this bullshit everything's popping up like you're on a porn site sorry um let's do the greatest sorry it's gonna be a little heated today we don't have a lot of time let's do the greatest 27th of all time paul all right no i'll say myself pa Paul Verzi, first number ever, fifth grade, 27, defensive back for the Raiders. I'm going to go with Pudge Carlton Fisk for the Boston Red Sox.

Good one. All right. Number 10, Giancarlo Stanton. These are picked by the fans. Number nine, Scott Niedermeyer, hockey player. Catfish Hunter. That's a good one. Then they got a weird one.

They got Casey Jones, but he wore 25 with the Celtics. So the picture says 25. I don't know why he's on this list. Vladimir Guerrero wore 27 with the Angels. That's a great one. I know, but you got to go with the, is that his Hall of Fame number? Did he wear that? No, that's his number.

Dude, Vlad Guerrero would come into Yankee Stadium and hit fucking bombs, and he was tall, and I remember that 27, yes. He was not afraid of Yankee Stadium, one of the few. And that kid's fun out of his shoes. Maracle. Marichelle, Juan Marichelle? Mm-hmm. Eddie George. There's a good oneal Eddie George There's a good one

Eddie George is a real good one Steve Atwater What about Rodney? The hardest hitters Defensive backs of all time Then here's a weird one They go David Ortiz That must have been when he was with the Twins

Because he wore 34 for us Yeah and by the way fans When we do this Because we have some fans going, guys, you said it was fucking 27. He didn't wear. We're going by a list by fucking. We're not doing homework.

Paul, let him have their moment. What would they have if they weren't correcting two fucking idiots on a podcast? I know. Number one, Paul. Number one, Mike Trout. That's that is That is number one. I mean, where are you going to pick? Where are you going to criticize that guy's game?

I mean. Flashing the leather. Guys, that guy really does have it all. He's one of the quietest, all fucking Hall of Fame, greatest baseball players ever that you just. That guy literally. He lets his game speak for himself. Paul keeps his fucking mouth shut. I'll tell you one of my favorite 27 on the road, both at the

plate and at the bar and in the sack. Whoa. The guy is just he doesn't need to talk. Paul, there was a number 27 on the New York Yankees. That was one of my favorite players when my mom first took me to see the Yankees in like 1988. I don't know if you're going to remember this guy's name. He's one of my favorite Yankees, 1988. My mom takes me in there other than Donnie baseball, which just, you know, he walked on water for us, but Mel Hall was 27 on the Yankees, Mel Hall. And he put his foot would go straight out and he sat back. So he had one foot out straight and then he sat back and then, uh, yeah. And then years later I heard he went to jail for rape. So what can you do? But, um, he would point his foot at the pitcher. His toes were pointed at the pitcher. His toe wasn't, it was, it was, his toe was still this

way, but his leg was like this. So his front leg was straight like that, and then he kind of did a little sit back on the second leg. Well, maybe he was used to women trying to fight him off, so that kind of fed its way into his batting stance. All right, top 10 MLB players who were later convicted of rape.

Number 10. No. Yo, that's what things are coming to. Yo, top 10 quarterbacks with domestic violence. Top 10 people, comics who got me too. Top 10 comics who didn't do shit but pissed off the wrong woman and then got canceled. Oh, it's so funny.

Yeah. Top 10 bookers who, you could just go down the list. Top 10 women where if they had a dick, they'd have no career, but they don't fit the narrative. So they get away with their bullshit. Oh, Paul, you can make these lists all day long. Well, Bill, you know what? I think it's only fair to start this, to start this on a, on a serious note, uh, an inspirational note, but you know, I love things that like, when you see something, you get inspired. And I love when you see a mentor or you see something that you want to emulate. And then something built from the ground up, something from the ground up and I sweat and tears. Yes. Yes. Yes. And, and then, you know, I, I really

got it. I got to give a pat on the back and praise, you know, the Los Angeles Lakers. Cause they saw the hardship that the Brooklyn nets went through. They saw, they saw that like maybe not having five hall of famers, but four could be a challenge and uphill climb. And they decided that they're not going to get five Hall of Famers. But they're going to put- But do it the classy way. Right, right. They may have a-

Only four Hall of Fame free agents. And maybe 11 All-Stars instead of 12. And it just lets you know that there is still some fight in these teams. There's some integrity. There's integrity. So- There is. Because I feel bad for them because they haven't bought a championship in almost two years.

That's 24 months, Bill. I mean, you know, it's going to be 24 months if they don't win it this year. And how will their fan base? How will they handle that, Paul? I mean, it's not about seeing the greats play each other. You want to see them all on the same team. Yeah, I get it. It's like the stupid, like, it's just, I can't even like, play each other. You want to see them all on the same team. Yeah. I,

I get it. Like the stupid, like the, it's just, I can't even like, and you know, it's funny that I was sort of like trolling Laker fans when you sent me that picture,

when they signed, you know, Westbrook and then Carmelo Anthony. And I was going all Laker fans. We still need one more piece. We, I saw all the shows. I saw all the shit you were doing online. I saw all the shit you were doing online with it after,

and I literally, I was laying in my hotel bed in Austin, and I was scrolling, and I saw the shit you were doing, and I go, oh, fuck, did I just fuck half his day? No, no, I had a ball with it. Because Laker fans can't defend it. All they just go, oh oh what are you crying for stop hating oh you're just a boston fan it's like defend what you're doing they can't defend it yeah and then laker fans too their memory of like a pile on team is the one year the celtics did it

and somehow they ignore the kobe shack all of that fucking bullshit who i would actually say shack was the more important piece than Kobe. Unless you count whining that I don't have enough free agents as a major attribute. Because when they went their separate ways, he went like, all right, fuck you. I won't play with you. I'll play with Dwayne Wade.

And then bam, he won there. And then meanwhile, the Lakers just had to keep shoveling free agents after free agents onto the pile until fucking 2009 so they could do it again. Let me ask you a question. If the Brooklyn Nets play the Lakers in the NBA finals this year, does that hurt the NBA? Because to me, it does. I will say that if they only played each other, then I would watch it. Then I would watch it. But like, you know, dude, I got to be honest. And I've said it a million times that 2008,

you know, other than what we beat a pile on Laker team, you could just say you're playing the Lakers at this point. That Lakers fans are literally like, because it doesn't work, then they're not a pile on team anymore. Um, it's like, yeah, I don't know. I really wasn't into that champion.

It was great that we won, we got one and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But it wasn't like, um,

you know, watching what the bucks did this year, watching what the sons did, even though they came up short, but we've talked about this, you know, at, at,

at fucking length, but it's just, it's just so fucking like, you know, they want to put asterisks next to like steroid stats. I think they should put asterisks next to fucking pylon championships. I agree. And I think that it sucks for the fan base because now, of course, the fan base is going to root for them, but you're in a situation where you're like, how did not win or we had to win and it sucks and that's why i i my

beloved knicks are in my heart forever okay because i'm just gonna watch my clemens clemens is on fucking toronto you guys rip off two in in fucking three years and then they trade wells for him and he comes in he just jumps in the fucking limo and wins back to back i mean what are we doing here now that the one that really the one where i really really was like happy they won of course but couldn't really go get like excited was the oh nine when our infield was fucking our infield was a rod jeter our our infield was A-Rod, Jeter. Our infield was A-Rod, Jeter, Robinson, Cano, and Mark Teixeira, dude. It was like, it was like. Dude, that was the Red Sox in 07.

I couldn't get into that one. Dude, it's like, I'm happy that my team is winning, but it's like, I can't. You got to win that fucking game. Dude, half our guys were on fucking roids and we're playing the Colorado Rockies for the World Series. I didn't watch one pitch. I'm like, I want to, I want my team to win, but I want to watch competition first. Yeah. Well, you know what?

I thought that we could do something really cool on episode 27 where we talk about the coolest interactions we had with an athlete. And I had one I think you'll love. Try to think of if you could remember yours while I tell you this, but I'm sitting right at the fucking, like right at the batter's box. I'm right at the batter's box, the Yankee stadium. And I got a couple in me and you know, and Paul, he's got a couple and I'm smiling. I see a guy, I like two feet away. I got to say something, right? So I'm just going, come on, you're going

to hit this guy. You're going to hit this guy. Right. And like, they would just, you know, do Rondell white. I believe he's in the box. And I go, Rondell, I go, listen to me. I go, that guy's, I go, that guy's a bum. You know it. And I know you got to get a hit off this guy. And I think he got, I think he like, you know, gave a smirk. And then dude, I saw Giambi in there and I'm not kidding. That kid was, it looked like a video game character. The bat looked like a wiffle ball bat. He was just going, he was, he was square. It looked like a dresser with the head. He looked like with fucking, he was just licking his lips as he ran down all sweaty dude he looked like a comic that was fucking a half hour late for his show but the best one that i ever had mariano rivera the classy mariano rivera who by the way

you know the way you they say you hear stories about this one that one jordan this because every story about mariano rivera, is that the guy is the salt of my buddy. Sal went to his house and he was cooking. He was cooking steaks for everybody. He's the fucking best. But anyway, he's out in a suit. He's all sleek and thin. He's in a suit and they're going by the buses because they're going to one of the players birthday parties and everyone's at the gate going, Mariano, this, that, Mo, this, that they're just yelling. And he's just smiling. He signed something for somebody and everyone's at the gate going, Mariano, this, that, Mo, this, that. They're just yelling. And he's just smiling. He signs something for somebody.

And everyone's yelling. And he gave no response. And then finally, I just go, I go, Mariano, you're the greatest ever. And he stopped. And he looked. And he looked right at me. And he waved. And he went there.

And I was, there it is. There it is. I don't have any of those moments. I'm always talking shit. And I try to turn the team against each other. I did it one time when I was in the stands at the old Sullivan Stadium when the Bills had a good team. They were past their four Super Bowls, but they still had Jim Kelly, and we were doing whatever the fuck we could.

Well, at that point, I think we had Bledsoe and Parcells, whatever. We were sort of about to change over to the Patriots, and there was some offensive tackle sitting there. I just saw his last name just say whatever the fuck it was, Johnson. And then there was some other linebacker coming up talking to him and just say his name was Sullivan. And I just yelled, hey, Sullivan, stay away from Johnson. I go, stop talking to Johnson.

He's a starter. And then the fucking, the lineman just started fucking going like this, laughing. And I don't know what the, I didn't know who was starting or whatever. But I just know that there's like a pecking order on the team. There's the whole rookie, you know, journeyman, the whole fucking thing. That, and then I've rattled a few people i felt bad about one guy who carpenter pirates playing right field of the pirates and i was in the upper deck what'd you say he had he had runners in scoring position and he ended the

inning with like a uh you know a grounded into like a double play to end the scoring threat. What'd you say? And I just yelled down. I go, that's the kind of thing that sends you back to AAA. And I yelled his name. And you know how like the left fielder and the center fielder play catch? He was playing catch with like a catcher. And right after I said it, he air mailed it over the guy's fucking head. And then I was just like, oh shit, man after I said it, he air mailed it over the guy's fucking head. And then

I was just like, Oh shit, man. I was just fucking around. I thought I didn't know his major league career was this precarious. I wouldn't have said it. I felt bad after give Bill birth three drinks at a ball game and put somebody in his eye view that he could say, I mean, you, I was there. I mean, Bill, when do I blush? I mean, you had me blushing. I'm not proud of it. Dude, he would yell stuff and I'd be next to him. And at first it would be fun and funny. And then he would get people laughing and go.

And I would just go like, I was nervous. I was like. Yeah, I know. Well, that's what it used to be before they had something on the Diamond Vision every two seconds or a bunch of whores flip-flopping all over the fucking field they used to you could actually you had your class clown in every section and that's what i would go for or if someone was funnier than me then i was just like i want to laugh and listen to this guy yeah there were so many fucking hilarious guys i remember one time being i don't know if i ever told us on the uh this podcast but we had a red socks game and it was one of those deals where you know it, it's a small stadium. So it was a little bit of an overhang. And then where we were sitting and

it was raining and it was this fucking guy just looked like a caveman. He just had hair, hair, beard, the whole thing, old shitty fucking Red Sox hat. This was in the middle of the fucking, you know, the drought, the 86 year drought and these fucking, you know, and Boston's like, really like, you know, it's a combination of like fucking meatheads like me. And then like really fucking like, uh, you know, preppy sort of whatever. So this preppy families in front of them and they open up these giant fucking umbrellas like, dude, they were like a two feet over the fucking head, totally blocks the guy's view behind him. And rather than asking them if they would put the umbrella down, he just started commentating the game from behind the

umbrella at the top of his fucking lungs. I can't even do it. He would be like a ground ball, right under the umbrella, screaming. And they were sort of laughing they were just such not as kenny says club soda kenny knock around guys they didn't get locker room ball breaking yeah they didn't know what was they kind of knew he was talking about and this guy which he did like fucking we just kept looking up because he was hammered we would we would just yell buddy buddy the umbrella and then he'd look at us and he'd be like, the umbrella! Still like three innings. Like those moments don't happen anymore because someone wouldn't feel safe.

And then the security comes up. You know, it was, this is the difference too. When I was a kid, the Red Sox had a, they tried to have a mascot. The guy lasted a week. He was called the Fenway freak. They stuck him out in the outfield. He just got pelted with shit. He got punched, thrown down the fucking stairs.

And they just ran out of guys to put the costume on. They just were probably, they were just like, all right, you know what? This is, this is just not the time. Yeah. There'll be a time in the future. Yeah. Yeah. We, uh, I've never, I don't have, I don't have one team that had a mascot. Yeah, we, I've never, I don't have,

I don't have one team that had a mascot. I don't think I've never experienced that really. I thought it was a sad moment during the Red Sox. I mean, you know,

we paid the price for winning World Series. Now we got a guy named Wally. I mean, dude, what are you doing on the drive home? During the seventh inning, which I actually think

we started doing because you fucking idiots were singing the YMCA and we're like all right we can pick a we got to pick a lamer song oh and you guys still act it out like it's 1978 it's really it's you know 27 championship fall you guys you're better than that you know yeah yeah i always think about like a mascot going home that night. Just put his fucking hat on his passenger side, you know, seat. And he's just like six game losing street. The crowd's just not into it. He's got to sell it for nine innings. You can't be like in your mid thirties or older. You got, you can't like 26 year old kid. I get,

you can't be like a 38 year old fucking taking your hat down you know it's a fuck it's a big moose head you're smoking it's a funny one i was at a game one time with my wife we actually went to a game and this mascot was fucking hilarious and could dance his ass off and i forget what he did but nia starts laughing goes that's a black guy in that fucking mascot suit and then i and ever since, I've been trying to guess. Oh, that's watching a dance. Is that a white guy?

Do I see wedding vibes here? Wedding dancer. That's so funny. Guessing the, by just by their rhythm, by their court nation, the best, the best fucking mascot story.

I think it was the mascot was when the Pittsburgh pirates had their had their cocaine scandal. Like, who didn't in the late 70s? I mean, fucking if you weren't doing blow in the late 70s, you weren't leaving your house, right? So I think their hookup was either through an usher or a mascot. I forget who. What was

so dumb was Dave Parker. They somehow caught him up in that whole fucking thing and they ended up shipping him out of town. What was so dumb was Dave Parker. They somehow caught him up in that whole fucking thing. And they ended up shipping him out of town. That was a dumb move. Dumb move. Because I want to say he went and won another one with the A's. And he might have won another one with the Reds in 90. I'm not sure.

Or maybe he went to the Reds first. And then he went to the A's and won one. I don't know. I couldn't imagine. Those were the days, Paul. Pre-steroids? Yeah. All you had was you just did a couple of bumps.

I was going to say, like, I couldn't imagine being on blow in an NFL game. Like what you were saying, that Hollywood Henderson. Like, listen, I don't do anything like that anymore. But I know what that feeling is like. And I got to tell you something. Being on a football field with that speed and those fucking animals on that with that adrenaline rush, dude,

like I'm surprised your heart just didn't fuck him. His heart didn't fucking blow up. When LT looks at you and goes, let's go out there like a bunch of crazed dogs. You'd be like, yeah, dude. LT would just throw.

Yeah. Like LT looking at you, knowing he's on a fuck that shit, dude. Like I mean, I watched some highlights. highlights I what there's a clip out there uh when Bo Jackson went up against Lawrence Taylor there was actual game people went to a game and it was Bo Jackson early on in his NFL career and Lawrence Taylor was already a first ballot hall of famer who had he was between his Super Bowl rings he won in won in 86, it was like 88 or 89.

And first of all, that guy just bull rushing a 300 pounder and pushing him back like he was me. And then after he would do that, he would bring his hand up like he was going in for a dunk and just bring the hammer down, dude. The level that he was almost snapped as quarterback in half on that old school AstroTurf of Giant Stadium. And this guy was just scraping himself up off the carpet. And there were no flags. There were no fucking flags. There's just, there's no way, like, you know, as much as I love Tom Brady, there's no way if he played back then he fucking plays well into his forties. Like the, I mean, you, if you played one game at the, at veteran stadium, had a bad day in veteran stadium, the way I heard them talk about that turf, dude, that took like a year and a half

off your career right there. That turf made Vinny Testaverde when he was older on the jets, he literally snapped the ball and got the play and was just standing there and just took two steps back and his Achilles erupted. You watch it and it like just stepping on it as like how big he was. He just ripped his. That was the dumbest thing they did. It was like carpet. It was ridiculous. Yeah. Turf was as bad as their fans. was as bad as their fans. What kind of astroturf do you want? I want our turf to be as bad as the behavior of our fans.

It really did, though, add to the mystique, I thought, though, of the Eagles, their fucking brutal fan base. Like, you know, when Michael Irvin went down, they thought he had a broken neck and they were all cheering. Like they were saluting the troops

and they were like happy that maybe he was paralyzed. I they're fucking they they take it to you know yeah certain cities just take it to a fucking place man you know if you throw something at a dude i was at a i was at a knicks playoff game with lucas when they played the hawks and some dudes threw a fucking bottle from the second thing towards the Knicks bench. And like the Knicks players were like looking and like, they were trying to be respectful. And it's just like that person,

like that's like, you're not a man. They got their back to you. You're way up above. And it's a bottle, you know, even if, even if it's like a hard plastic one,

it hits you in the fucking temple. It's like that. Those, those dudes. And then they'd say say switch to plastic. Yeah. Think about Jackie Robinson when he broke the color line and he went out there in front of a bunch of racist white people.

They had bottles. Dude, what that dude, what that dude heard and went through on a daily basis and then went on the field and fucking shit on him. Like that's why he died so young. It could be, dude, he, he aged like twice what a president did. If you look at that guy, he comes in fresh faced and then like a year out of fucking baseball.

He's just, he looks like he's fucking 80 years old. Yeah. It's, I don't understand why people's behavior, two things that I've noticed that I'd never understand their behavior. People don't like, people hate things that are different and they hate success. Even when that Jeffrey Bezos, dude, when that guy made his rocket and he went up there, the amount of shit that the guy got and it was like, fuck him, treat your employees better. And it's, first of all, it's like, as if they know, and they're like, fuck him. Treat your employees better. And it's first of all, it's like as if they know. And they're like, oh, yeah, it was shaped like a dick.

Dude, if I had Jeffrey Bezos money, I'd fucking have jetpacks. Fuck. I'd be fucking with my dick out. I'd have a fucking jetpack take me to space naked with a hard on going. Yeah. Enjoy the packages. Fuck you, dude. That guy did that guy. You're good. And you know what? Those same people that were talking shit have an amazon package on their front fucking step all of them everybody's shopping with them okay and he shaped it like a dick because he probably knew they were going to say it anyways so he added a helmet on top of it i fucking loved it good for him him his brother

and his buddy are going we're going up to space today and we're going to come down and we're going to go to the steakhouse. Fuck everybody, dude. Fuck everybody. Elon Musk. If that's your angle, I mean, I got to go with it. I mean, I mean, from what I heard, he does treat his fucking employees. It's the closest thing to sweatshop labor that you can get away with in this country legally. But, you know, you got to give it up to, you know, it's a hell of an it's a hell of an afternoon.

But I feel like everybody's still using plastic water bottles. They're throwing them into the fucking ocean. Nobody seems to get, everybody's getting all these flat screen TVs. They're not doing anything for the environment. So why can't a billionaire getting a little mushroom, right? Elon Musk gets a pass. Would you do that, Paul, with your, with your fear of flying and all of that shit, would you do it? I couldn't do it. Like, you know, it's funny you said that because I was thinking today I was walking to the airport and I go,

I like this. I like being on it. I love, you know, I love aviation. I was just afraid of it. I love it. I love listening to the roar.

Now when it takes off and I see people nervous that used to be me, I almost want to pat them on the shoulder and go, it's going to be fine. You know,

like I, that's what I, I had to go out to something like you're going to be fine. I did. Listen, I do this fucking 40 times a year. You're going to give him the Hitler Hitler speech.

What are you thinking? What were you thinking? What's the matter with you? No. But if, if Jeffrey Basil said, Hey, do you want to come up with us? It's the second run ever, but it were, I, I, I need to, I need more reps than that. If the, if the, if the rocket doesn't say NASA on the side of it.

Yeah. Would you do it? Would you do it? If you got a free ride, if they said, Bill, come on. Some rich guy who hired the fucking guys who weren't. Dude, there's one place you work. It's like mixed martial arts. There's one place, the UFC. That's it. Yeah. There's one place to play pro football, the NFL. I don't want some to play pro football, the NFL. I don't want some sandlot fucking rocket builder fucking making me... I'm just... Dude, that chick went up in the space shuttle and she died.

And that was a NASA product. So, I mean... I don't know. All right, so Elon... There's just something about it, though, where I know with everything that you're in, you're in a car, it's an engine, a gas combustion engine,

it's a controlled explosion, building energy, jet power. What is it? Suck, squeeze, bang, blow the whole time. That's what's going on there. I get that. But that's just something. I mean, you're on like basically fireworks. So you get a phone call. You get a phone call tomorrow from Elon Musk. And he goes, Bill, huge fan, my favorite comedian. We're going up. We're doing a thing. We got everybody. We tested it a million times. We're going to go out afterwards. We're just going to leave the atmosphere and come back. We'd love for you to be there. You say no?

No, definitely. If it's like if it's a thing, something that's going to be filmed and it's some promotional thing, I'm out. And it's some promotional thing. I'm out. I'm out. Yeah. That's such a fucking, look at Andrew's laugh.

That's such a bill. I'm filming this shit. All right. No, if you're filming it, I'm not, I wouldn't do it. But I mean,

I, I, you know, the guy makes a good car. I mean, you know, Henry Ford made a great car. I don't want to go to space with the guy.

That just seems to me like I always use Pewter Pot. There used to be this place called Pewter Pot. It was this chain and they made muffins. There was Dunkin' Donuts and there was Pewter Pot. If you wanted donuts, you went to Dunkin' Donuts. If you wanted a muffin, you went to Pewter Pot. And there was like a respect that they have with each other. And every once in a while, Dunkin' Donuts would try to make muffin. Everybody would be like, dude, why are you doing that? We're going to Pewter Pot. And it was like a respect that they have with each other. And every once in a while, Dunkin' Donuts would try to make muffin. Everybody be like, dude, why are you doing that? We're going to Pewter Pot. Then Pewter Pot expanded and started fucking doing like full menus, a breakfast

menu with the fucking, you know, the muffins. And then they expanded more and, you know, they had to buy furniture and people had to sit down and then they went under rather than just doing what they did. Gun to your head. Fresh muffin. Fresh donut. What am I trying to do? If I want a sugar rush, I got to go with the donut. If I'm going to cheat a little bit on my diet, I got to go muffin. But I'll tell you right now, a fucking blueberry muffin right out of the oven with some butter on it.

That's unbelievable. And that's a rarity now because where do you get a fucking muffin? But then I'll say if I got to go donut. Oh, donut. I got to go the maple glazed. Oof. Yeah. Maple glazed donut, Paul.

I could down six of those before i knew i should have stopped at the first one you put them in your mouth they evaporate and it goes like right into your like it's the closest thing to heroin like you could literally nod off with a bag of fucking maple glaze dude i got it right outside the store i love donuts dude dude. Dude. That's why I stay away from them because there's nothing in there. It's going right to your fucking gut. It's going to that fucking ham sandwich that hangs over the back of your fucking stretchy jeans.

Dude, this is the thing about these stupid ass jeans. Back in the day, when I was a kid, you had to be a 33 to fit into 33s. Now these things, it's like plastic, man. A 33, you can go up to like a 37, 38 inch waist and before you realize, like, fuck, what have I done? What happens is all of a sudden you got something where you got to wear a suit and you got to put the suit on

and all of a sudden, you know, the fucking two sides are like this. Yeah. Yeah. No, that happened to me. Those, uh, I had 33 inch jeans and I was five, nine and three quarters. And I got up to a buck 90 before they started digging into me. And now I'm a month into being on the elliptical elliptical burr every fucking day, trying to get back down down down to fucking buck 80 it's like you're not helping anybody and my wife the whole time i was putting away to go am i getting fat am i getting fat because the jeans still fit she goes no you look great yeah i had

to give her shit i go don't fucking tell him don't fucking tell me i'm looking good when i'm not because dude i went to the i went to the the dermatologist because I'm a pasty bastard. I had to get some shit burned off of me. And I fucking had my shirt off. And I somehow got a glimpse of what my back looked like. Oh, my God. No, I'm doing it. I look like a walrus.

I'm doing a piece of my act right now where my wife was like fucking cooking and having sugar shit out when I was doing good. And it's on purpose, dude. It's on fucking purpose. And that's why all the women were laughing and they're going like this. And it's like, yeah, because then you have to work, you know, as soon as your man starts slimming down, you, it puts pressure on them. That's how they got all those, those plus size women on billboards.

It's because they don't want to look at competition. They want to look at, I'm fucking in better shape than she is. It's because they don't want to look at competition. They want to look at, ah, I'm fucking in better shape than she is. It's okay, yes. Oh, you look great. Oh, you're a goddess. It's, dude, their manipulation abilities. Paul, could you even come up with a game plan

where two guys like you and me walk into an advertisement company, and we try to get them to get two fucking beer-bellied, man-titted guys up on a billboard with no shirt on and to be done in a way that it shouldn't and it's not a joke you know what i would say i would go in there and be like how many days do i got and then i'd look at you i'm like we got this and you'd go paul no we don't no no they don't they don't get no it's there's no uh no that you can never do that to it you can't i mean it's what it is the fact that they achieve that the fact that they achieve that will let you know why if when you argue with your wife why you lose the amount of

times you do yeah it's just you know i wouldn't even know where to begin uh to figure to figure that one out yeah no you couldn't there's you couldn't figure in no way would it ever work um dude i had a fat friend go dude there's a crispy cream we were in a casino and there was a crispy cream and they said crispy cream was like crack they said it was like i said it was like two good people were getting so fat yeah crispy cream was like dunkin donuts said it was like, I said it was like two good people were getting so fat. Krispy Kreme was like Dunkin' Donuts on meth. So my buddy goes, my buddy goes, let's go to,

let's go to Krispy Kreme. And would you do a donut? We want to get a six pack. And I go, I go, no, dude, I go,

I'll get one. And he goes, I don't want to say his name. He goes, nah, I'm not doing that. He goes, and I go,

let's just go get one each. He goes, no, we get fucking six or I'm not doing it. And I was just like, I'm not eating. I'm not eating three. He's like, you don't fucking. And I was like.

This is a comic or a friend? No, it's a friend. No, it's a friend who's not a comic, but he's in the comedy world. He's a heavy guy. And he goes, you don't get one. You don't get one. And we literally didn't go because he refused to go if we're not getting six. And I just laughed. And I go, dude, I can't eat three glazed donuts right now.

I just, I simply can't eat three glazed donuts right now. Oh, you were going to split a sixer. He wanted to split a sixer, but I didn't want three donuts, dude. We were just walking through the fucking casino. Dude, I'm going to eat two, three donuts. Dude, after one donut, I feel like a tub of shit. I'm not going to eat two. Dude, after one donut, I feel like a tub of shit. After one donut, I need a nap. Yeah.

Two donuts, I start having depressive thoughts, questioning everything that I've done in my life. And then three donuts, I feel like I have to go to the hospital. What you have to know is how do I know that, Paul? Because I've eaten three donuts i mean when i was a kid i could eat three donuts yeah oh you gotta we're all brand new you know what i mean uh my kids they the shit my kids eat and they're just like my son has a legit six-pack he's just this little 12 year old shredded kid he's literally has a six with the other day he walked out of the

room and he goes dad look and he just flexed literally six little muscles sitting in his stuff his chest and i'm just going like and meanwhile he's eating like taffy and like eating but he's got like fucking you know those tap takis that kids like which are like super spicy fucking chips and i'm just going like and he's just outside shooting and stuff uh and my daughter too. It's just like, I can't do that now. It's like, well. That was the amazing thing about Lamar Odom. That guy would eat like a fucking one pound of candy before a game. Yeah.

Burn it off. He was still in shape. For the way I heard that that guy ate candy, he should have, you know, some of the fat guys that have ever played in like the NBA. He never was that guy. He would bring bags of like gummy bears and he would bring bags of like Sour Patch Kids and Starbursts in the arena. And he would just constantly be chewing on them and just like shoot,

like in drill, like he needed, it was like part of his travel. Like that guy's rider, if he was a comic, would look like a fucking candy store. That'll catch up with you. It's just one read. Yep. All right. You ready?

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Lobster tails and ribeyes. Nerf and turf, baby. Free surfing. That's right. Beautiful. You know, it's funny. One time I went into this guy's house. You know, big time star, all kinds of movies and shit.

He had his own movie theater. And they had like what's funny about the people when they do the whole movie theater they really get into it oh yeah they have like real movie theater portions like concessions like like three or four different glass jars of candy oh the one was like a hershey's kiss dude i just took one to eat it it was like fucking hard as a rock it was just like oh this you dump this shit in the day just for the look these this is like prop candy it was all stale it was fucking hilarious because when you really looked at it yeah it's like dude you have enough

fucking candy here for the rest of your life and it's just it's just sitting in here going bad i didn't say anything or whatever had like he had like the cart with the popcorn and everything. All right, let's. For a sold out movie theater. All right, let's do this. Favorite chocolate candy, favorite like licorice or like gummy candy. What do you got? No, I can't do licorice.

Licorice stinks. Really? Dude, licorice is like if they put like sugar on the inside of whatever makes a ziploc work whatever the fuck that is it's just gross like i feel like you could just stick them together and keep like a like a sandwich fresh or something i'm not a licorice guy at all i'm a gummy bear kid till the day i die gummy bears i'm not in any of that shit. I love gummy shit. I love taffy. I'm a big jelly bean guy. And I also, I'm new into raisinets. And I realized my dad used to love them. And I never understood why my dad liked them. And I figured out why. My dad would

like try to cut corner. My dad didn't want to get fat. So he was like, yeah, you know, it's chocolate on fruit. And I know that that's what he was doing. And I kind of, I had that too, but dude, a raisin is no joke. Dark chocolate raisinette. Pretty nice in a movie theater. Pretty nice with the good mix with the popcorn. Remember Doug Signe? Oh, I met, I met Bill, me, Bill, Doug Signe, funny dude from Boston, right? We go, we go hit like golf balls at Chelsea Piers and then we went to see that Johnny Depp movie about John Dillinger. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And we're in the hallway and I'm like,

yeah, I gotta get some candy. I mean, who doesn't get fucking candy? I'm getting something, right? So I go in and I get a Diet Coke and dude, Doug Signe with that shit-eating grin. You guys have to know this guy. Picture, tough Boston, no care guys have to know this guy picture tough Boston, no care in the world, Irish guy, tough, but like deep down inside, sweetest guy,

shit eating grin. And he looks at me. I walk, he's got a fucking barrel of popcorn. He's got another fistful of drinks and he's just go. And he's got that look and he goes, it's like, he was the type of guy that you would be like, Doug, how's everything? And he's got that look. And he goes, he was the type of guy that you would be like, Doug, how's everything? And he goes, fucking great. Oh, that's his greatest thing. Hey, Doug, how's your wife? He just goes, she's the best.

Are you kidding me? She's the best. He answers it almost as if you said something against his argument. Like, you'll be like, yeah, man, how's the wife and kids? The kid's good. How's your new son? Dude, you know what's hilarious? One time me and a buddy of mine were meeting him for a Patriots game,

like a Monday night football game at this bar on the west side. Yeah. So I go into the bar. The game's going. It was a Red Sox game or something. But I look around the bar. I can't find the guy. So I sit down.

I find a table. I'm like, all right, I guess I'm the first person here. My other buddy shows up. And we're sitting there going like, yeah, it's not like Doug to be this late. You know, the game's going. And all of a sudden, somebody hit a home run or somebody ran for a touchdown. And I just hear this fucking crazy drunk noise. And I go and I fucking get up like that.

And I look over and I see his dumb freckled hands up in the air. I go, is that him over there? We go over there, dude. And he was fucking. Dude, he was like movie drunk. Oh, dude. You said the funniest. You said the funniest thing about him one time.

I fucking I still remember the picture in my head. And I laughed. We were near a comedy club. Remember, he saw a comedy club booker. And he goes, hold up, guys, I'll be right back. He runs up. He runs up to this comedy club booker because Doug Doug was doing comedy at the time. Right. Doug was not afraid of confrontation. And me and Bill and Doug are walk. Oh, hold on. Yo, Paulie, this guy, this guy runs this room over here. I mentioned your name, too.

I got to talk to him. He runs down half a block. Me and me and Bill are looking at him. And Bill just goes, dude, he looks you go, dude, he looks like he's arguing a call. And when you looked at him, he looked like a manager talking to an ump. His head, you know, his head was to the side and he's just going like this to some point. He's pointing to the guy's chest and you just see the guy. He's like he was standing like out in the open, but he looked like he was up against the wall. And I remember that. I was like, that right there, that's not how you do that.

I don't care how legitimate your bitch is. When you're where you're at, where we're at in the business right now, you can't approach a guy like that. But I love that he did it and it was fun to watch. He did everything but pin the guy against the wall and grab him by a collar oh yeah if a guy had a suit coat on he would have grabbed him by the lapels

uh he's the one of a kind though he's one of a kind dude he's no it's fine what do you mean i know i'm gonna see him uh we're gonna hang when uh i'll be in new york one of these one of these months coming up i'll'll be there. Yeah. Guys, real quick. Just want to mention, um, thank you guys so much for all the reviews on the show. Anything better, please like subscribe, get the anything better podcast on iTunes, Spotify, everywhere you get, uh, everywhere you get your podcast. Thank you guys all for the, um, positive comments. Everybody. Ooh, everybody loved 26, huh? So, uh, keep the positive comments. Everybody. Oh, everybody loved 26.

Huh? So keep telling your friends. Yeah. Keep telling your friends. Weight box. The best podcast in the fucking world. I mean, it's just what it is. So, you know, it's like jump on board. We're going to do a couple of live ones in Los Angeles.

Guys, everybody's asking about merch. I talked to somebody to put some T-shirts. We'll get some fucking hoodies for the fall. You know, you throw it on your back. color you want you want white you want black well we'll take talk to andrew we'll fucking take care of it right dude i was at i was at a seafood restaurant yesterday and they were they were given the i was at a seafood restaurant in austin texas and uh it was one of the funniest things ever we're talking about like the halibut or like the the sea bass and the bronzino and all

the fish and then they go yeah this one uh she goes yeah this one was uh caught with the long rod it was the first time they fucking they were telling about like the rod that was used for the thing so then the people i was with the whole time we would just we would just be joking like oh yeah this one was with the net but i was the first time that they were like a long rotted you know a long rotted fishing pole was what caught the fish as if that's gonna matter because it doesn't like vacuum up any other fish that just happened to be there i i don't know why they mentioned the long rod or something with that fish but i never heard that the the thing you use to catch the thing has nothing to do. I would imagine has nothing to do with the chef, how the chef is preparing it, you know.

But a nice piece of fish. I had a little bit of sea bass yesterday, Bill. A little bit of sea bass with, you know, we started out with some cold shrimp cocktail and a crab cake that you couldn't shake a stick at. I mean, a fucking monster. You ever see the crab cake that's so real and fresh from a real seafood place that there's none of the filler shit in there? It's like you use that expression properly. That didn't sound right. You know, as you couldn't shake a stick at. As I said it, I was hoping it was right. I thought it was.

But I said it's so fucked up. I can't remember how to use it properly. It was like when somebody goes, what's that guy's name? And then they do a bad guess. And then now you can't remember the name. Andrew, can you find out what shake a stick at means? If like if I used it in the proper context, it's a crab cake. You couldn't shake a stick at it. You wouldn't shake a stick at. No, I think if you'd shake a stick at it, you get the fuck out of here. You know, back in the day when no animals would come onto your property. like no i think if you'd shake a stick out of your jet get the fuck out of here you know back in the day when uh no animals would come onto your property it's not wouldn't shake a stick at

i'm gonna have to say i'm gonna have to say it's you can't shake a stick at or or what is it shaking a stick at somebody of course is a threatening gesture or at least one of defiance so to say that you have shaken a stick at somebody is to suggest that the person's opponent, perhaps a worthy one. So that sounds like the fish is not a worthy, the crab cake wasn't a worthy. No, but I said you wouldn't shake a stick at it. Yeah. But if it was good, you would have shaken a stick at it. It's not a worthy opponent. Yeah. All right. Well, you know, Bill, you didn't have to call that out. I was just trying to say it was a good craft.

Well, you know, I'm just as dumb as you are. I'm just trying to help us out here. Yeah. Also, Paul. Well, you're so dumb, you're out of focus. Your intelligence, they can't get you in there. All right. Start talking so we can get you back on the screen.

Bill, can you pull the mic a little closer? Sorry. A little closer. What the fuck do I got to do with this microphone? I mean, I'm eating the fucking thing. Yeah, I'll cut this out. Can you just on the microphone right on the top side of it where that green light is, can you just tap that thing up?

That should be the volume. Yeah, up a little bit. Hello. How's that? Somewhere in the middle. Oh, there you go. Oh, shit. You got a digital shit like that? Yeah, somewhere in little bit. Hello. How's that? Oh, there you go. Oh shit. You got a digital shit like that. It's somewhere in the middle is good. All right. How about now? Okay. That'll probably

why would you cut that out? That's part of the charm of the podcast. All right. Sorry, dude. Bill is the most Italian non-Italian. Did you hear what he said? I'm eating a fucking thing. You're either hanging out with me too long. I swear to God, dude, the shit you like to eat, the shit you say. You have a lot of Italian friends. I swear to God, somewhere down the line, something. I like you people. People are all right. I've always been friends with you.

I wouldn't pay for protection, though. Let's not take it too far. Let's not get too authentic or I'll shake a stick at you. I got the MLB online thing. So I've been watching the Red Sox. Of course, I watch them. They've lost four in a row. So now I think it's me.

Lost three in a row to the Devil Rays. Sorry, the Rays. Can't say devil. I can't get into baseball, man. And then we lost to the Tigers. But what I'm loving is Dennis Eckersley. Dude, that guy just has his own fucking language. Dude, the guy strikes out looking and he just goes,

he goes, pair of shoes. Sitting there going, what the fuck does pair of shoes mean? It's like, what does that mean? Does that mean that's so on the money, you got money for a new pair of shoes, that pitch? Or does that mean you froze him and he's just standing there in his shoes? That's all he becomes? He's not a hitter anymore. He's just froze him and he's just standing there in his shoes? That's all

he becomes. He's not a hitter anymore. He's just a pair of shoes just standing there. Because he swung so hard. That's so great. But I can't remember if he swung or not. Because if you don't swing and he says a pair of shoes, he's just reduced you to a pair of shoes. I just picture you like a building going down and it's just, you just froze. You didn't do anything. You did exactly what I could have done from my seat. You stood there and you did nothing.

You just wear a pair of shoes. I don't know if that's what it means. I thought he meant it like the guy swung so hard it was just his shoes left like a car accident. You know, like. But what it is, is all of them are great. Or the pitch was so great that the pitcher's going to get a bonus or something and they'll get a new pair of shoes. I love the talk that the players have with each other. A lot of people said, hey, man, when you're on stage

and you and the host have a quick talk, I see you guys say a few things, sentences, and laugh. What is that? That's so cool. Well, the cool thing is, I know the Yankees did a thing, I think, when Billy Crystal directed that he was very close with them. Very. I didn't realize how close Billy Crystal and Bob Costas were to Mickey Mantle. Apparently later in Mickey Mantle's life, him, Bob Costas and Billy Crystal became dear, dear friends, like like dear, dear friends. Right. And but what happened is the

Yankees had this thing in 61 where they'd hit a home run and they'd run around the bases and they tag home. Like they'd hit, they'd step on home. And then like, if Maris would walk over to Mickey and Mickey would go, what was it? And then he would go curve ball. It didn't curve though. Like they would always say like it was a screwball, but it didn't, you know, shit like that. Like basically they got it. And it was like a cool thing. And what I love, but it wasn't fast. Yeah. Yeah. Like he got, and then they would just like curve ball, but it did occur. Then they would just run back and shit like that, which I just think like stuff like a cool thing. Fastball, but it wasn't fast. Yeah, yeah. And then they would just like curve up.

But if they curve, then they would just run back and shit like that. Which I just think like stuff like that is awesome. And I think that like they said when they put that movie 61 up, Yogi Berra and Whitey Ford were in the theater. And they said Billy Crystal wanted it so fucking like actually what happened that he said Yogi was like looking at Whitey during the movie going like, that's what happened. That's exactly like, which is fucking great. Was that that movie 61?ogi was like looking at Whitey during the movie going like, that's what happened. That's exactly like,

which is fucking great. Was that that movie 61? That was a movie 61. And it was really about how the fans didn't embrace Maris, uh, Roger Maris and how even with Mickey fucking around and doing all that. And they had a race of homers and Mickey was hurt and this and that. And Maris was like this straight family guy and doing it like that and looked up to Mickey and going, dude,

like what the fuck are you doing? You're Mickey Mantle. He's like, fuck you, dude. Cry to your wife about it. This is what I do. This is how I live.

And all the fans loved him. It was actually a fucking great, but, but Billy Crystal, you know where he shot that? No. In tiger stadium. Oh,

okay. I heard that. Yes. Yeah. So they dressed up old tiger stadium to look like old Yankee Stadium. Yeah. Original Yankee Stadium, I guess, which you would say. The original Yankee Stadium.

Andrew, you were saying something? No. Thank you for noticing me leaning forward. Yeah. No, Bill, Boston Globe actually talked about this Eckersley thing. There's an article. There's an explanation. It says, thing there's an article uh there's an exploit explanation uh it says a pair of shoes a hitter who is left standing in the batter's box after striking out he's nothing but a pair of shoes dude that's great that's a great one no he's got all that yeah uh cheese salad he's got all

kinds of crap that he says it's fine and you pick up on it early because he literally, he speaks it like you should understand it. So I'm just like, I got to get caught up here. Dude, you're just watching the game. I've watched a million baseball games. I never ever heard anybody say a pair of shoes. And I'm just sitting there. I love watching baseball.

I love the dog days of summer. I love October baseball. I just love just the pacing of it. Now that I'm just sitting there. You know, I love watching baseball. I love the dog days of summer. I love October baseball. I just love just the pacing of it now that I'm older. Yeah. You know, figuring myself out. I got nothing to fuck. I don't give a shit. Whatever.

You're fucking tougher than me. I know. You can kick my ass. I don't give a fuck. I love baseball now. So I just sit there. When I'm sitting there watching it, you know, just enjoying the game. And all of a sudden, you guys just fucking strike threes out.

I just hear him go, pair of shoes. Like, it just woke me up. Like, what the fuck is a pair of shoes? Oh, dude, that's great. That's really good, man. Is there anything better than getting old? Is there anything better than getting older? No.

Is there anything better than enjoying the aging process? Embracing it. Embracing your age. Dude, this is my belief. You keep yourself in shape, you dress age appropriately, and then you encourage young people. As long as they're not douchebags. If they're being douchebags, you say,

knock it off over there. But if they're like good people or whatever, you help them out. That's all there is. You got, yeah. And you got to leave the young people to the young people. You got to migrate in the woods.

You had your time. Let them, let them be in the big city. You go off, you get it. Don't stop asking them about their bands. Yep. Get a dog,

get some cigars. Yeah. You know, get a nice woman in your life. Have a family. Stop trying to have cool clothes. Yeah. Just fucking dress for comfort. Yeah. Grow up. Yeah. Yeah. You know, we're a designated driver for people that have their whole lives ahead of them. That's it. And if they want advice, you give them good advice. If they don't want to hear it, they'll, they'll learn the same lessons we did,ul hey hey hey go to your liquor cabinet and take your

gold schlager dump it out take your fucking jaeger dump it out all that sugary shit that's gonna make you feel like go to the store and get yourself a 200 bottle of a whiskey of a bourbon, some fine wines. Get yourself some gas. Drink like a gentleman, okay? Drink like a fucking gentleman, you know? Don't, listen, don't do fireball shots. Yeah, no more Fast Eddie. You got to be Jackie Gleason. Yeah. All right, let's shoot some pool.

Fast food visits, twice a month, tops, when you reach a certain age. And that's tops. That's if like the kid needs it, if like your kid needs something and you got to go get them apples and nuggets. And you're like, all right, dude, I'm here. You know, I'm here, but. You can't be cool anymore.

The best you can hope for at our age is to be dapper. Yeah. You have to accept that. You know what else I learned? I don't need an action movie anymore. I could watch a nice dialogue. I could watch a nice, listen, I could, yeah. I don't need the bad boys explosions. I don't need the cars going up and the helicopters. I love that shit. I used to love that shit. I could just watch, fuck it. Like now I get why deer hunter was great. Oh yeah. No, that, that wedding scene that was as long as an actual wedding.

You can't blame a 25 year old kid in 2021 who watches that wedding scene to not tap out. I'd be like, I, you just, it was, it was like a real weddings. It was just like, they just videoed a whole wedding. Yeah. I felt like I crashed a wedding and I didn't give a fuck about anybody at it. I know. I told you, dude, I know I'm getting older because I care about food more like my dad. I'm afraid of ladders. I'm afraid of falling. I'm afraid of like I'm afraid of like certain things that like I used to think I could do. And now I'm like, dude, I used to I told you I used to like I played with the thought of jumping out of a plane to get that experience. You know, my sister did it. They were like, dude, I did it. Don't do it. I did it. Yeah. you i used to like i i played with the thought of jumping out of a plane to get that experience you know my sister did it they were like dude i did it don't do it i did it though yeah how'd it

feel i thought i was gonna die and then i then i didn't was basically what happened i i did a static line jump in peprel massachusetts a one-day course it was just like that. What was that movie? One of the early Kevin Costner movies. What? With Judd Nelson in it. Fandango? No. Is that what it was, Andrew? Early on, he's looking it up. And they have a scene in there. It was the exact fucking thing. Zach kind of playing, went up in a little cessna yeah fandango where the wing is up top and you're underneath the wing and then there's a little fucking thing like that so you literally i'll act this shit out dude like you gotta go they go sit open the door i'll give you three open the door sit in the door get out no he opened the door sit in the door get out you get out there was a little fucking welded step over one of the

wheels right so you fucking get out and then you put your hands on that on the fucking thing like that and then you got your leg out like that and you're like this so sit this more get out and he slaps and then it's go and then you gotta go arc 1000 to 1000, three 1000. Look, if nothing, look, reach, pull. All right. Because if you don't look at your emergency thing, they thought you could fucking die. So anyway, that sounds terrifying. Yeah. so we had to drive all the way back and came it was a fucking pain in the ass and i got up there in time to do it because everybody was going oh you deliberately didn't bring it so you couldn't go it's like no i want to go so we fucking go there and by the time i got back one of the women in my class she was a big girl had big hips right like they talk you down you had a little radio give me a little right toggle give me a little left toggle and she had big hips and you're supposed to go all the way down to her knee she couldn couldn't get around her ass, you know? So she landed across the street in a pile of like mulch

and dislocated her knee. So I had that going on. I was like, oh fuck. We go up and the guy's going sit in the door. And I thought he was saying, close the door. I'm like, what? And he had this big seat and he said, sit in the door. Sit in the door. And he had this big smile. Like he thought I was checking out. I go, close the door. He goes, sit in the door. he had this big smile like he thought I was checking out I go close the door he goes sit in the door and I finally just go all right so I sit in the door and because I went home I forgot everything they taught me get out I got out and he goes go and I let go and I just started doing front flips because I didn't arc and dude I was a static line jump so it's hooked up to your shoot. So the second you let go,

your shoot is pulled. So my shoots coming out as I'm doing front flips and I'm like, Oh my God, I'm going to go like a fruit roll up. Like I'm dead. I won't even be able to pull my thing. And I felt it go by the inside of my right leg. I'll never forget that my inside of my right thigh, I felt it hit as I was doing sky ground, sky ground. And I feel this thing and I'm like, Oh my God, I'm dead. And then right I'm like, oh my God, I'm dead. And then right as I thought, oh my God, I'm dead. It just went. And I had it and I was just sitting there and they were going like, all right, right. I did the whole thing. And then the weirdest thing is if you look at your feet, you're going to miss

because you're coming down like 15, 17 feet per minute. And like, if you look at the ground, you're going to misjudge it. It's like break your ankle or, or your leg or something. So you're supposed to look at the horizon. And then when you 15, 1700 feet, no 15 to 17 feet per second. Oh,

you said minute. You're still falling. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like you're jumping out of a sort of low level tree. Holy shit. You're going to hit the ground.

You come in like this, just like that. It's not overly fast. Is ground. You come in like this. Just like that. It's not overly fast. Is it peaceful? Look out like this. So as you hit, you're then supposed to do this stupid, ridiculous roll and then bring your legs up and over. The whole thing was dumb. Everybody did the same thing.

They just hit the ground and did a fucking face plant. But you didn't care because you were alive. Was it peaceful when you were just kind of doing this and gliding and looking at the. It didn't even feel like you were falling because it was you felt like you were just stuck in the air wow because there was nothing going by you and then all of a sudden you got to the tree level it's like holy shit we're fucking moving and then ding bang and that was it yeah i'm not doing that yeah no fuck that but i was one of those guys, like, I was going to do that. I was going to go bungee cord jumping. I was going to, you know.

No, then I was just, yeah, I was 19. And then I had that moment, and I was just like, oh, yeah, you know, what am I, special? No. Why wouldn't I die? So then I was like, all right, I'm going to take the easier route. I'll get my thrills doing something else. I knew a kid. I knew a kid whose lung collapsed doing it he landed but his lung like collapsed he had to because something with air but then like I got family like my sister and step

but like they would do like like in the air they would be like yeah like they fucking loved it and I'm like I can't I would be worried the whole time like you that I'm just gonna die until I don't you just you know I'm done with roller coasters dude the whole time like you that I'm just going to die until I don't. You just, you know, I'm done with roller coasters, dude. I'm not doing that either. I'm not fucking going zero to 80 in three seconds and getting. Another great thing about being old. You don't have to go on the rides anymore. Yeah.

You can just get yourself a little fried dough. Yeah. Kids run along. You go, you go on the ride. You go, you get on the fucking shit. That's going to get you all soaking wet. I think think you know what i think i might do man i think as i get older not only will i golf i think i'm just gonna like

maybe just you know do like a little either like a little fishing or like you know just throw it back or like eat it like i'm just gonna like i'm just gonna chill why don't you just leave them alone paul i mean if i'm sitting by the water and I got a pole, what am I going to do? I don't know. Skim a rock. Why do you got to rip another thing? If you're not going to eat the fucking thing, just going to yank it out by its fucking mouth.

Look at it and throw it back. Didn't we talk about that? We were just talking about this last podcast. You were talking about the trout guy. We talked about, yeah, we talked about. Yeah, trout. When you were saying guys would win the thing, they'd go, yeah, scream at the fucking trout the fucking trout then they throw it back in the lake the nice thing about getting old is just doing nothing is like you could just be like yeah i'm gonna go sit on the ocean sit on

a water i'm gonna go sit in the sand i'll tell you the best time to go to the ocean the best time to go to the ocean is seven o'clock at night the sun's going down and you just fucking walk it and you get the breeze and you're not allowed in the water anyway because there's no lifeguards or anybody on the beach. But you just it's just you and the sand and the thing and you just walk and you look out to that ocean and you just contemplate everything in your life. Oh, maybe get a stick if the wind's not too strong. I got one for you. I sat on the beaches of Normandy and smoked a stick. Oh.

I mean, if that's not top 10, I mean, that's... Oh, I had to do it. Dude, it was... Dude, you go there. It's one of the most emotional places that you ever go to. It's unbelievable when you just think all those kids, how old they were and... Dude, I'd start crying.

They died trying to stop that lunatic, man. There's no way, unless you were a serial killer, not to feel something. Dude, I'd start crying. They died trying to stop that lunatic, man. There's no way, unless you were a serial killer, not to feel something. Dude, I went there because I had to do it. And I tried to memorize how from my hotel,

I was driving this big, stupid, you know those big, dumb Mercedes vans? It was the only thing that they had to rent. And they got the stupid shifter into drive. It like pointed at you like a fucking glory hole so you fucking so i drove and i had poor cell service over there because i didn't get the right service or whatever and i immediately got lost and then i'm laughing my ass off because I didn't get the right service or whatever. And I immediately got lost. And then I'm laughing my ass off because I can't understand anybody. Because it's like I'm in France now.

This is in Paris where most of the people speak English. And I would have to pull over and be like, excuse me. I used to know how to say beach. Normandy, la droite, la gauche. And they would just be looking at me like, what the fuck? Acote, anything, right? So I somehow make it to the beach and I'm driving back

and I have no idea where the fuck my hotel is. And we have to catch a plane to go to Nice and then go down to the Saint-Tropez. This was my honeymoon. And I had been gone for like two fucking hours and told my wife I was only going to be gone for 45 minutes. And all it was, I was driving around the van talking to farmers. None of them knew what I was saying. And as I was driving down the street, I had this morning

French show on. And you know, people like when they speak in English, like, you know, what do you say? You know, they kind of or, or, or, or, you know, people say that, you know, I saw the, the, the, the, they were doing that in French and I was crying laughing. Cause they'd be like, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. And I'm fucking driving the van. Just go do, do, do, do. That was like a fucking video game. Fucking hotel.

What helped me was we were in this old town, and there was this big, bobble-less type of fucking thing, and I saw that, and I was driving like Henry Hill, looking at the helicopters, looking at that fucking thing, and I was able to get back there, and I had to park the truck and walk around the town, and then I finally found the hotel, and I had to look at the road, and I finally figured my way in,

and I thought my wife was going to be pissed and she was totally chill. And I came bursting in the room like Jason Giambi, all sweaty. She's like, no, no, we're fine. I think I had the wrong time for the flight. That dick that I smoked, dude. Yeah. That was something else, man. And I would definitely do that again.

And we had an unbelievable guide because we went there the day before and this guy was from Scotland. And according to him, he was telling the real story of like, well, everything that went going on. Well, he basically said that what happened at Normandy was we fucked up.

Was we basically, these guys, like the other two beaches, we went, whatever, we stormed the beaches there and barely had any casualties because they softened it up,

bombing it. And they bombed, like they flew right along the beach. For whatever reason on that one, I don't think you guys got lost in the clouds, they flew straight in and they bombed that way. And they fucking,

you know, blew up some cows and shit. And then these kids landed and there was one guy, he's known as the butcher in Normandy. He was in the back of a house. They had built like a gun turret and these guys would run straight up and he would just stray from me. He said he later on, he actually felt guilty, but he said, I know that they would do it to me. This is what this guy from Scotland said. And he actually ended up getting captured and put into a POW camp, an American one. And he was terrified the whole time that they were going to figure out that he was the guy that did it. Yeah, dude, I think that Thomas Lewis kid told me that. And he said, like he said, it was like almost so easy, like the way it was. And just like so.

They finally brought in like a destroyer and they just started shooting at the fucking house and the guy left that's fucking yeah dude that's just so fucking brutal the opening scene of saving private ryan dude i i heard veterans were like running out like running out of the movie theater crying that's how fucked up they're just knowing as soon as the thing comes down people were just getting man fuck that but uh oh that thing when he did you heard the bullets pinging before they even brought it down you just standing there yeah dude that's that's like oh what about what about when they stopped so far out because they were getting taken on so much fire these guys would jump out and their was so heavy that they would drown it's brutal man yeah why are we talking about this first my grandfather stormed already uh and they said the first thing well first of his his boat stalled so

they were like you know far off the ocean they had to get him on another boat so now it's like twice as many guys on a boat and he said the first thing they did when they got to the beach was just drop all their stuff because they had like 80 pounds of equipment like you're like i don't need a shovel yet so So they would just drop everything. And then, you know. Yeah, it's fucking wild. But yeah, and they don't even talk about the war. Those guys don't even talk about it.

Like, I did a report on D-Day in seventh grade. You know, he gave me like a few tidbits, but there's not like a bunch of stories. You know, the only story I ever told was he was in, one of the French towns and there was a bunch of bodies. And he said that they, the, one of his guys, cause he was a sergeant. He said, one of his guys was going to run out and loot somebody that was laying on the street. He's like, don't do it. He's like, no, no, no, we're all secure. Guy ran out and just just got shot up. Just trying to like loot a body. I don't know. I heard that. I heard that they also went tanks over bodies too like on the b i heard fucking some horrible shit but um i'm gonna go back to the funny part of that story where bill

said he was talking to a guy in france going do do do do do because that is fucking it do do do do do do do you remember the first superman with christopher reeve when they came as aliens and like they came like and they were dressed in all black and like they grabbed the local sheriff deputy and they're walking with him because like they landed and they're in this town that's like when he took the fucking double barrel shotgun and he bent it right he like grabs the local dipshit deputy that was superman too yeah and uh and like the sheriff comes in and he just goes, is that you, Boog? Right. So he said, is that you, Boog? Right. So me and my brother Christian used to laugh at that. And we're in Italy and I would ask to say words. So I would go up with somebody like the tour guide.

I go, how do you say is that you, Boog? Right. The tour guide goes, is say to Boog. So me and Christian are walking through this village in italy and i would just walk up i go say to book and i was just fucking 11 i go say to book and i don't know christian would just my other brother christian would just fucking laugh but um i had a great time in italy i forget i used to know how to order a drink something mia peachy something or other favorite place on earth is venice italy. Favorite place on earth is Venice, Italy. Favorite place on earth is Venice, Italy. I've been there multiple times.

I bought a $200 pair of shoes there that I just wore at a wedding the other day. And people complimented them. They're fucking black suede with a buckle. They're insane, dude. And they hold up suede shoes in Venice, dude. Jesus Christ. By myself. Walk back to your hotel like this, hold them over your head. By myself, dude, and they bought a pair of suede shoes in Venice, dude, Jesus Christ. By myself, walk back to your hotel like this, hold them over your head. But by myself, dude, I was in Venice alone. I was walking around that day. I went into a shop.

I'll never forget. It was this Asian woman sales lady who was incredible. She told her what I wanted. She's like, these are beautiful. They're amazing. Blah, blah, blah. I spent $200 and I walked back with them. And yeah, man, Venice is, we got to do that next time I do any gig along the Mediterranean. You got to, you got to do it. Yeah, we got to do it. I actually got a run, but I wanted to thank everybody who came out to the shows and this next, next, next little run I got here, guys. Thank you. Like I said, everybody that came out to Nashville this weekend, August 6th and 7th, I'll be at the Funny Bone in Omaha, Nebraska on,

what's it called? The 27th of August, I'll be at Governor's and September 3rd and 4th, Wise Guys Comedy Club, Salt Lake City. I'm shooting my special, Levity Live. I'll be there all weekend, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, but we're shooting the special Saturday night, seven and nine 45. And I'll be at the Wilbur theater, October 22nd, a tickets available on a paulverzi.com. Please keep reviewing and rating the podcast and check out obviously Bill Burr's Monday morning podcast, Verzi effect, all our YouTube shit,

all of our stuff. And, um, we'll be back for episode number 28 and a pair of shoes. Oh, we got to go. Pair of shoes. Got to be the name of this app.

No, um, I don't know. I don't want to, I don't want to take his stuff though. Eckersley is amazing. Oh yeah. No shoes.

Pair of shoes is fucked because it's just a pair of shoes sitting there. Uh, all right, everybody till everybody till, till next week. Anything better is out of here. We'll see you guys soon. All right. See you.