Anything Better? - Phobophobia

Episode Date: April 23, 2022

Is there Anything Better than Bill & Paul talking about a fear of lamps?

what's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast with paul verzi bill burr and our amazing producer andrew femlis uh and you guys are listening to episode 59, 59, 99, 59. I'll paint any car. 59, 99. All right. The greatest NFL player to wear 59. Once again, the super Steelers, Jack ham. That's all I got.

Jack ham. Don't know many 59s in, in, in any of the sports. Um, I got a 59 in fucking math i had to go to summer school i got a question for you okay i want to start with this because i was thinking about this today 59 in my sat when people say things okay when you think of a phobia, what is a phobia to you? It's a fear. No. Yes. No.

A phobia is not a fear? No. Andrew, look. It's an unrealistic fear. Okay. I have a phobia of Komodo dragons. I think about them all the time. Okay. So not in this country, Paul. No, I know. But here's my thing. Cause I was listening to something and people were saying things like, well, if you don't like this, you're something

phobic. Okay. So if you're like, people say, oh, these people are like transphobic or homophobic or something like that, that would mean that would mean that they're afraid of that. I don't that would mean that they're afraid of it. So why is that phobia with anything like. So I guess what I'm saying is if somebody says, let's just say it's not my view, but if somebody says I'm against gay marriage. Right. Why is phobia there? I'm not against gay marriage, right? Why is phobia there? I'm not against gay marriage, but I'm not against anything. I don't give a fuck what anybody does. There's a phobia there because why can't you just let them fucking do it? No, but I'm not.

But the person's not afraid of it. Then why won't they let it happen? Because they might not think it's right. Oh, I see what you're saying. Like, I don't want the Yankees to win. I'm not afraid of the Yankees. I just fucking hate the Yankees. So you're not afraid of gay people.

You just hate gay people. I get it. No, no, no, no. But you're right. That's my thing. It's like, if you don't like something or you're against it, I don't know why they say you're afraid of them. No, it's like when they say everything's from hell.

Oh, my God. Remember that in the 80s? That was a big thing. Oh, my God. It they say everything's from hell. Oh, my God. Remember that in the 80s? That was a big thing. Oh, my God. It was the fucking song from hell. It's not really from hell. It's just an expression. I don't like chocolate.

What are you, chocolate phobic? It's like, I just don't like chocolate. I just don't like chocolate. It's like, you know what I mean? It's a little different, Paul. You don't then hunt them down and beat the shit out of chocolate in a rest area. I mean, who's doing that? Are people hunting people down and beating them up in rest areas?

Gay bashing. Why do they call it bashing? If I was kicking them. No, I just don't like, I just don't know why. Phobia seems fear. And I don't think everybody's afraid. I don't think you're smart enough. I'm going to go out on a limb and I'm going to say you're out of your element. No,'t think everybody's afraid oh i don't think you're smart enough i'm gonna

go out on a limb and i'm gonna say you're out of your element no i think it's i think it's a smart thing paul you're not homophobic you don't think it's wrong so what are you nitpicking for i just used the gay and the trans thing as an example but they okay xenophobic right if you get mad, if you fight a Chinese, you're afraid of being calm, huh? People going to be at your local funny ball. Sorry. No, I'm just saying phobic fear of foreigners. No, like what is it? What is it, Andrew? Fear of stranger, uh, fear of strangers or foreigners, a uh antipathy bam i was 50 right 10 more points i don't have to go to summer school but here's the thing you could say you can say

something like i don't think i don't think they should let all these foreigners in the country oh moving your arms makes you sound dumber just stay in the pocket i can't help it i can't i can't help it i'm fucking with you i'm fucking with you if if i said i don't want that many foreigners coming to the country and they go all you're xenophobic it's like no i'm not afraid of anything no no look listen those terms definitely get used can be used like anything It's all how you use something. All right. I mean, I wouldn't put like gay people. I wouldn't put gay people in with foreigners. Maybe my wife's got my penis phobia. Oh, God. I wouldn't put gay people in with foreigners. Like foreigners, there's a rational argument. If you live in a bankrupt country like we are right now at the tail end of the Ponzi scheme, that is our currency and we're taking on water right and left. There is an economic way to argue that. Where it's just like if we had the ability, I wouldn't have a problem then i don't think you're being like xenophobic but like

uh you know why gay people are you know they're they're citizens they're fucking foreigner they're here they're there whatever they you know you got a problem with that i don't know what your deal is paul i'm not for or i'm not for or against i don't want any foreign gay people coming in my cul-de-sac listen i, I look, it doesn't mean I'm phobic. Right. I was just saying it like this. Some of my best friends are foreign gay people coming into my cul-de-sac. I, I don't care. Somebody wants to get somebody, whether you're for gay marriage or not whether you're whatever

but why don't they just call it anti instead of using the word phobic i think they say that too he's anti-gay that's just a better word than phobic because phobic makes you think like you know arachnophobia you're not afraid of the queers i don't point you're trying to make here remember Eminem had a great Eminem had a great fucking lyric a great verse where he goes I'm not homophobic you're heterophobic

but he did it in a much better way that rhymed anyway now you dragged him into your bullshit great I gotta be honest too I don't think I like the tone what you're doing right now No, but I just don't like the word. You know something? I got to be honest with you. I don't think I like the tone. What you're doing right now is what I do with my wife all the time.

I argue something that just doesn't need to be fucking argued. And I dance around the real purpose of it to just nitpick about the shit. And she just sits there and just walks me down. And by the end of it, I'm like, all right, I'm being an asshole. I don't, but I'm not doing that. No, I'm not doing that. I'm just saying they're using the word. I'm not afraid of anything. Let's have fun. And we'll, we'll revisit this in 19 minutes and see how you feel that I'm not, I'm not phobic of anything. Um, what's your fucking man? Nothing scares me.

What's your fear bill. That's what we want to talk about on 59. Oh, what's my fear. Yeah. Like, no, no. Oh my God. Are you kidding me? I got a million. The ocean. No, I know. Your dragons sharks is your number one, right? All women's colleges. I got, I have a gig for you at fucking all women's call. Yeah. That shit. Um, Bill is shark a phobic, uh. Andrew, what's the word for somebody afraid of the ocean? There's going to, there's going to be the word phobic on it.

Oceanic phobia. What is it, Andrew? It's a thalassophobia. I am thalassophobia. All right. Bill has thalassophobia. Nice one. It's paint your life, everybody. When I heard about paint your life dot com, I thought, what a great idea for a gift, birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, etc. But I figured it must be expensive. Right, Bill? It sounds like it would be. Have some guy standing there with an easel and all those different watercolors. Well, not to mention he's got to get a smock. Not so. As a matter of fact, me and Stacey got a picture of us from our wedding,

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today that's coinbase.com slash b-e-t-t-e-r all caps all right so you're afraid of the ocean you're afraid i bet i can get i can board a plane first by telling them I have thalassophobia because they won't even know what it is. Oh my God. You should try that. You just walked up. My, I, my friend just got out of the hospital. He has thalassophobia. Is there any way he can just kind of just get it? Thalassophobia. Yeah. They'll think that it's like a gland issue. That's what that sounds like to me.

What else am I afraid of? Oh, everything that could possibly ever happen to my kids. Well, that's a normal, that's like a normal, I think. The low RPM horn on a fucking helicopter and not catching the RPMs in time, uh, Being tortured. Dude, there's some weird ones out there. Some people have some fucking. Collapsing economy.

Yeah, but those are all normal things. Being thrown to the dogs. Dude, there are people afraid of. By a dictator. Andrew, can you put fear. Being interrupted while listing my fears that's another big one there's one there's a frowning being lit on fire

poison sumac what is it what is it i know that watch is going to be wild poison sumac what is it what is it i know that watch this is going to be wild uh epiplophobia is a fear of furniture yeah dude people like that's wild like they could fucking start screaming and amazing imagine if you walked in your living room i know but imagine how they get to live what do! I know, but imagine how they get to live. What do you mean? What do you mean how they get to live? Where are they going to put their fucking clothes, dude? What, on the couch?

Didn't say they were afraid of the closet. No, I guess they're afraid of any kind of furniture. There's no furniture. When you hang your clothes, Paul, you hang your clothes in a fucking closet yeah what about your socks i didn't really see how messy your bedroom is right now what do you mean your socks you just put your socks on the chair no i put my socks in a drawer but that's gonna freak this guy out because this guy's afraid oh that's what you mean oh you mean like a chest of drawers yeah that going to make him just not have a bunch of shit.

You'll be a minimalist out of fear. You won't do it for environmental reasons. As long as he can handle a backpack without freaking out. And then you have the greatest excuse ever to not have your wife spend all your fucking money on stupid shit. Listen, I would love to get a new L-shaped couch. I'm terrified of the old one. And the new one's just going to be bigger and more colorful. And I'm just telling you right now how that's going to affect me.

Dude, how funny would that be if you had a friend and you go, dude, we got the cabin. Okay, we made sure it's bare, but here's the deal, dude. There is a table. We have to eat. He's like, no, no. Just stick them in a room and close the door. Just leave them in there while you guys have the furniture. blindfold them dude there are monkeys monkeys chimpanzees number one

dude i saw a fucking rogan sent me this fucking video this guy was playing with this monkey oh yeah did you see that i think so fucking skull back i don't even know what it was wait peeled whose skull back just bit jumped behind him and all of a sudden he was like indian or something so he had nice tan skin and then it was like white as my legs going like that i'm like what's that they had a show in slow motion it just it scalped him and the guy was kind of like what it was acting like it was friend dude monkeys do not respect the curious and then they come up and they see how slow we are and then they start taking liberties i don't fucking dude i do not like monkeys i do not like you sam i am oh my god dude yeah that

freak there was a monkey i do not like them in a tree i do not like them in a cage Yeah, that freak. There was a monkey. I do not like them in a tree. I do not like them in a cage. No, fuck a monkey. I don't like a fuck those things all fucking day long. I will not work with one.

No fucking way. There's no fucking way. There's no fucking way. Bill, we're doing a detective movie. They're going to give you 10 million and your co-star is a chimpanzee. He's your partner. Turn it up sideways and shove it straight up your candy ass i'll fucking go i'll do stand updates no fucking way fuck that dude i know a guy i worked with the guy he had a tattoo of a monkey on his arm because we're one bit him on a set and he goes this is the deal with monkeys because this

guy had been worked with monkeys a lot. He goes, they're cool. And then they're not cool. And then not even the trainer can control them. They'll do it for a little bit and for some snacks. And then after a while, they just look around like, I can beat the fuck out of everybody on this set. And I'm going to do it.

Dude, they're fucking yoked. Dude, they could rip your fucking arm out. Fuck that. Fuck those things all day long. They are evil. The number one thing I hate about them... What, did you say they got thumbs on their feet? They do. Dude, the thing can hang

by its foot. Oh my God. I can't even hang by my arm on a fucking chin-up bar. They can hang by their fucking foot. What if they're like Bill? Paul, would you want to fight a gymnast? Bill, what if they said to you? Pops up on the bar, he starts doing Thomas flares,

kicking you in the fucking head. These monkeys are, like, beyond that. What if they're like Bill? He's done 20 films. He's a sweetheart. He comes in, and he rubs your head and hugs you and kisses you. It's never getting there paul comes in rubs my head and kisses me who's the fucking monkey at this point does it give me a banana dude you're out of your fucking mind

dude and they would look at me as the ginger And they would automatically hate me And be like, he's the weak one We're starting with that one Dude, I fucking Paul, you shave your face, you start at the waist, okay? He might like you a little bit there Dude, I'm such a fucking I'm such a fucking sucker for affection Because of my fucking Mediterranean thing

Hugged me, a guy called you up Bill, Bill, now this thing's a sweetheart I'm fucking, I'm gonna be on set with this fuck. No, geez, dude, that's fucking nuts. That Rogan thing,

dude, that's like, I had a monkey one time, right? I was in fucking Costa Rica and they had this thing on a fucking leash on this little house. And I felt bad for it. Right.

So I came over and they're like, no, it's cool. It's cool. So I fucking walk over there. The thing jumped on me. Well, I'm gonna tell you in a split second, jumped on me, was hanging by its tail from my neck, reached into my pocket, took my keys and went up the tree all of this happened in like under a second he went boom bam gone and i'm like what the fuck so now i had to go down and try to outsmart this thing to get my fucking keys back i'm in the middle of the fucking rainforest right wow so i go up to, my cabin and I had this piece of food or whatever.

No, I couldn't get into my cabin. Maybe Nia, how the fuck did I then, I had keys for some fucking reason. I don't know. Somehow I got the piece of fruit or something and I walked over and I stay, you know, I kind of gauge where the leash was. So I kind of went like that and it reached for it and I pulled back and it kind of, it came down from the, it came down from the tree, got on its fucking house and I was going like that right so then it knew what i was doing and it had my keys it doesn't have any pockets it's too stupid to leave it up in the tree so it's sitting there holding onto my keys with its little hands it was a little monkey

so i took the piece of fruit it had a long thing that it ran on and it was on one end right and i stuck it all the way down the end and he had to set the fucking keys down to go over and get it i forget exactly why i set this whole fucking thing up so this is what i did it got halfway down and i'm kind of at the point where I can grab the keys. So it's walking down and it's looking at me because it knows I'm mad at it. Right. So it walks down to get the fruit. Right before it got the fruit, I slapped it away, grabbed my keys,

and ran and felt that thing going, ah, coming at me. And I got away from it it did it run after you it had a leash on it and went like that and then i was talking outside it's like that's right no that's i'm smarter i wear clothes right so i walk away and then i got in my cabin and like i'm'm sitting there going like, I didn't want to fucking do this shit. It's fucking Nia's idea. We should be in a fucking holiday and I'm sitting out here like I'm a fucking Swiss family Robinson or some shit. And after 20 minutes, I calmed down and I looked down and I saw the monkey and it was just sitting there like all fucking sad. like all fucking sad. And then I felt bad for it. And I came back and I gave it like a piece of fruit. And then I kind of started making friends with it.

This is classic white shit, right? I started making friends with it, but then when it sort of trust me and we were cool, it would do this thing. If it felt me starting to walk away, I can't do it. It just grabbed my tongue and had it in its mouth. It would start to bite down on it. I'd be like, all right, all right. I'm not leaving. It would start to bite down on it. I'd be like, all right, all right, I'm not leaving. It was like this fucking toxic relationship. Every time I had to figure out a way, I only went back one other time,

and then it did the thumb thing. Because I told the guy who lived in, he was an expatriate, lived in this big tree house. I told him what happened with the keys. He's like, oh yeah, he's mischievous. Mischievous. You got a rope around its fucking neck. It's miserable, oh, yeah, he's mischievous. Mischievous. You got a rope around its fucking neck. It's miserable.

It wants to go out and go fuck another monkey. It's a spider monkey, right? The little ones. It was so long ago. This is like 15, 16 years ago. But I remember I forget how I did it. I set the fire. I got a big enough piece of fruit. That's what it was.

The fruit was big enough that it couldn't carry both. So it set the keys down and was walking towards it. And right as it got to it and it was focusing on the food, I fucking slapped it off the house and grabbed my keys. And the thing was fucking livid. And I should have left it at that, Paul. Should have left it at that. But old Billy came back to take one more loss,

and it was biting down on my thumb. And I think I was like, Nia, give me a piece of fucking fruit. Can you give me a piece? And she came by, gave me a piece of fruit, and I fucking set it on the house. It went to go get it, and then I fucking walked away, and I was just like, fuck that thing. Dude, it's wild.

There's one, it was like like, fuck that thing, dude. There it's wild. There's one, there's this, it was like dark, dark, dark black. And it didn't, and it had this oval face. And I didn't know if it was a monkey and I was going, ah, dude, it was doing this. It was fucking, I put it on my, I put it on my, I got to see if I can do it. I put it on my thing and I go, what the fuck is that dude? But there's some animals that are fucking nuts out there, man. No, there's, there's no reason to be. And and look it's just a dude that was just like a little fucking but that little thing i watched it rip a guy's scalp off no that's fucking horrible man that's fucking horrible um dude did you see the black bear that got in the guy's driver's seat guy fucking ran from the car the window blew out and the black bear that got in the guy's driver's seat? Guy fucking ran from the car.

The window blew out and the guy just starts running. And the fucking all of a sudden, a fucking gigantic bear just comes out of the. Andrew, can you look for that real quick? It's a bear did what? So you see a guy running from his caravan running. And all of a sudden you see the driver's side window blow out and you don't know what it is. And then a gigantic fucking bear comes out of the driver's seat. It was fucking nuts. You got it. Yeah. Just Andrew. Running after him or just getting the fuck out of there.

It got, when it came out of the car, they were like worried. And then it kind of just looked around and walked away, but you didn't know what it was. It was in there with them. I will tell you this dude, nobody breaks out like a bear. No, if you didn't know what it was. It was in there with them. I will tell you this, dude. Nobody breaks out like a bear. No, dude, if you watch this, it's great. It's funny you say that. They just fucking, when they're out, they are out. Yeah.

It's weird, those things, those predators. It doesn't take much to scare them. And they will fucking run away. Bears are genuinely afraid afraid unless i heard like unless you're fucking with what it's doing they kind of don't want to fuck with you and i don't think grizzly bears polar bears that doesn't apply black bears maybe i saw a guy boot a black bear in the ass and the fucking thing got it was walking away and he was trying to show off get the fuck out of here and he booted in the ass and the thing ran no it sounded like a dirt bike is what this commenter said it made this growl like turn around oh shit yeah oh white guy

yeah you rarely you rarely do see a black guy out there in the fucking jungle with a video camera going oh fuck oh no fuck no you don't see it occasionally you'll see a rapper with an endangered species doing some dumb shit andrew if you can't black people will not fuck with so many animals, right? But occasionally, one of them will have a tiger for a pet. Yeah, that's true. Mike Tyson. None of my white friends have ever gone tiger.

And I remember when I lived in New York, this black dude up in Harlem had a fucking tiger. We were talking about that. Yeah, he had a fucking tiger. Yep. And then when they went in his house, at first people thought it was a stuffed animal. Do you understand how much money that is in meat every fucking day? I don't either, but i know it's a lot they eat like fucking 100 pounds of meat every day or some shit i don't know and i think it's got to be raw i gotta look this up i have to look this up all right let me see a bear in car no you didn't see it

no dude i i don't like watching that i've watched too much of that shit it makes me like uh how much to feed a tiger per day i'm gonna get on a watch list okay in the wild various field studies have estimated that mature wild tigers consume between 10 to 25 pounds of prey a day they eat every every day. In the wild, tigers will gorge up to 100 pounds at one sitting and fast for many days. So this is kind of where the intermittent fasting came from. It came from tigers. So 10 to 20 pounds of raw beef a day, raw meat a day. Yeah. 10 to 20 pounds of raw beef a day, raw meat a day. Yeah.

Dude, that's like you got to buy 10 pounds. You're buying like a fucking, like a, what do you call it? What's that thing you smoke? How many briskets is that? Oh my God, yeah. It says they can eat up to 77 pounds and then take a few days off dude i will tell you something if i had a tiger for a pet that fucker thing would be fat as shit i would make sure it never looked at me i'd have my big green egg smoking a pork shoulder at all fucking times oh dude dude i'd give it mac and cheese i give it all the sides

oh dude uh you got it this guy's got a white lion at his house and he just and he's he goes best my boy and he goes and the lion just looks he goes dude it's fucking and he's on him though he's on him he's letting he's completely submissive letting the lion on him and it's like he must have ate because he india yeah he's an indianive, letting the lion on him. And it's like, he must've ate. Yeah. See India. Yeah. It's an Indian dude. Rich dude.

Uh, Indian dude. Oh yeah. Middle East too. They have all these fucking crazy dude. This one guy had a fucking lion for a pet. Who the housekeeper came over. It ripped her fucking arm off. She bled to death.

He tried to say it was the dog attacked and then he went out and he fucking shot all his lions and lit them on fire out in the desert so he wouldn't get in trouble oh shit humans man we're fucking lunatics so just dude you ever see that video of the fucking hippopotamus had its mouth open like this and and it just had his mouth open literally like huge and the guy just took a this and and it just had his mouth open literally like huge and the guy just took a full watermelon and it just waited and it was like it wasn't a fucking like a watermelon this thing was a fucking and he just throws the thing juke just comes down and just fucking turns it into a fucking slushy it was a watermelon that's nothing dude i've seen

one pick up a fucking lion and shake it around like a Yorkshire terrier. Wow. Dude, I love it. The lion went up and bit it to fuck around, and the hippopotamus turned around and started chasing the lion. I was like, yeah, whatever. And he kind of turned around. Oh, shit. He's chasing me, chasing me.

Do you see that video? The kangaroo had the dog in a headlock, and the dog's fucking owner goes, hey, hey, fucking runs up to it, punches it in the face, and it just looks stunned. And the fucking dog got free. You ever see that? Yeah. Do you know those things have like fucking claws on their toes that if they get you in the belly, they can rip open your gut.

You don't want to fuck with anything, Paul. No, but you got to save your dog, no? Well, I mean, that's pistol time, isn't it? Hey, you don't want to kill a fucking kangaroo. No, fuck you don't. Those giant fucking roided up rats. Fuck those things. It really does look like that.

It really does look like fucking splinter from fucking teenage mutant ninja turtles just sits on its tail imagine back in the day when we just sort of lived in the wilderness that's one thing i always found amazing about native americans indians whatever we're supposed to say original people what amazed me was their respect for nature and the way that they interacted with it rather than trying to change it. Because I gotta be honest with you, man. Like I, you know, I got some friends of mine, they live out near the San Gabriel mountains and bears come down and just go into their trash every week, fucking and i just would be like you know every time i went out to my car i would just be waiting to get fucking mauled because that's the thing about a

bear they don't have the decency to just kill you paul and then eat you they start eating while you're still alive they're really clumsy fucking either you, you know, you're talking about, you know, just grab on and start fucking ripping meat out of the fucking side of your head. Fuck all of it. Every time I'd go out there. So eventually I'd be like, can somebody fucking get rid of these things? That's why I had an idea of a bunch of comedians camping with serial killers. Yeah. I mean a bear, but, but you know stacy's uh stacy's garden got ransacked and the bear actually fucking did a hulk and and came and he went in but he was small as a cub and he just fucking ate all of her stuff and there was bear shit bear shit looks like black

lasagna it's like flat and long wait a minute but it's a wait well what the fuck's a baby bear isn't the mother bear around somewhere no so it was a young it was a young people in our neighborhood said that they they actually saw it's a black bear not a baby but it's a it's a it's a young black bear and what he was doing is he's going into gardens and he's fucking people and stacy was like crying she worked so hard on the garden we just put it in and the thing just ransacked it it looked like a fuck it looked We just put it in and the thing just ransacked. And it looked like a fuck. It looked like it looked like a robbery.

The thing just went in there and just started fucking. And Stacey was fucking. She cried. Oh, she cried. Dude, she had it all set, man. She had peppers, tomatoes. And she was like, I worked so hard. I mean, dude, the amount of effort put in.

That's something worth crying about. I mean, I would if i was you i would have cried thinking all those great meals i just missed out on oh dude he ripped he ripped the jalapenos the regular green peppers the we had a little watermelons tomatoes and then a deer got in the same a deer got in the same week so the mesh that we had around it broke. But the bear actually bent the metal gate into the garden and got through. Did it make a goal in electricity? No, not with the kids. The last thing I need to do is have a kid's friend come over, get zapped,

and then all of a sudden we're getting sued because fucking, you know turn it on turn it off just turn it on at night yeah i mean you know i'll forget you know one of us and you hear your neighbor he's fucking trying to steal some peppers at night yeah yeah i heard a noise i just went over there I twisted my ankle and I leaned on it. Come on, man. You were trying to steal my peppers, dude. I saw, I saw Bob. I saw a Bobcat the other night and it was, they're pretty fucking cool, man. Like they're looking, but yeah, they're, you know, those things will fuck you up, man. Paul, a house cat will fuck you up with paws the size of a fucking quarter.

Yeah. Dude, those things. Yeah yeah those things are fucking no joke no we had a rabid coyote too the neighbor was like paul are the kids inside i was like why he's like yeah there's a coyote fucking wobbly in the backyard he's looking for things i was like all right well so there's something there's something if you lived in the city, Paul, the kids inside, we've got a meth head outside, fucking chewing on people's necks. He's on bath salts. You guys get a, you got, you got coyotes that come up to your yard or no? Oh yeah, they do. They, they try to, they try to kill dogs and cats. There's always like these little pictures of like missing dogs and cats and they're always small. And it's just awful when you see it, you're like,

all right, well I hope it was quick, but dogs killing fucking shake them, break their necks. It's over quick at least. Yeah. But they can't fuck with a shepherd or anything like that. Like certain dogs. No, but they, they try to like like in different areas if that's what's available they try to get the dog to chase them the dog chases them and then there's like three of them and they jump them that's what some guy said here he goes if you see one coyote he's probably afraid just looking for food he says if you see two or three of them get the fuck out of there

because they're like you know they're like packs and shit and i was like yeah i'm not fucking with any of them i'm not fucking i'd have a fucking i'd at least i don't know why people just don't get paint guns it won't hurt your ears you just fucking squeeze off some rounds on some p on these fucking things it hurts dude if you shot a fucking bear in the ass with a fucking paintball it would leap up in the air and run away it doesn't know what it is yo dude did you please god tell me tell me you saw the andrew can you just do the asian woman giving a pig a piggyback ride she had a hog on her back it's one of the funniest things i've ever seen it almost looked fake and there's just a gigantic

hog is on her back and it's walking. And you're just like, what the fuck is that dude? And, and I was, I mean, you could think of every fucking joke in the book, but there's that one. You got to find that one. You did. That one's got to be there. It's fucking nuts. I got to see this. Yeah. Yeah. She's, she's given a, she's giving a pig, a piggyback ride, a real, it's a hog and it's fucking gigantic. Oh, dude, you got to see that.

Come on, we got to see that. This little piggy went to the market. I just realized, Paul, I fucking, I love animals, but I have a respect for them that I don't want them anywhere near me. With pig on back. Pig on the back. Ain't no big surprise. Oh, no. Really?

Fuck. Oh, no. What happened? Oh, fuck. Why am I this fucking tired? Paul, I went down the other night. Yeah, I don't see it, Paul. Sorry. I went down, down, down to the fucking comedy store. Try TikTok. Just say TikTok.

You went to the comedy store and what happened? I was driving by and I just decided to pop in. Oh, dude, I just, I'm telling you, Paul, I got my whole new hour. Got the whole thing. Yeah, I see it. It bugs you. It's going to motivate you, though, Paul. It it's gonna motivate you though paul it's gonna motivate i got a few years on you paul what do you mean bugs me i saw it i saw it on your face you gotta look annoyed no i'm definitely never annoyed man never annoyed i'm making eye contact you're making me feel funny here no no it's not that it's that i was just thinking like man like

you know getting churning it out like that you know it's like you don't see it, huh? All right. Fuck. Maybe you dreamed it, Paul. No, no, I was on. I think it was just like bears and cars. I'm glad you didn't show it to me. I have a phobia of Asian women giving pigs piggyback rides.

Oh, a piggyback ride. I get it. That's the joke she was going for. And and the callback to the and a call back to the phobia but i'm telling you not everything that people don't like they're afraid of that's that was the point not afraid of shit i'm a fucking tough guy what are you fucking yeah like somebody i don't like murderers i'm not afraid of them yeah but murders are doing something horrible Paul you have a phobophobia

which is a fear of phobias that's not a real thing is it you're goddamn right it is of course there is there's a dude there's a phobia of everything people afraid of lamps of your home space I'll tell you something if you have a fear of furniture and fucking lamps

you're just a self involved doucheved douche that, you know, everywhere you go, there's going to be a lamp. So now we have to deal with you and your fucking condition. Or, Bill, we could be sensitive because maybe something happened to that person with a lamp. Throw him in a fucking pool. Throw him in a fucking bed. Get him over it. Get him over it.

Every fucking time you freak out about a lamp, we're throwing you in a pool. Well, Bill, that would be like somebody just saying, Bill, get over the ocean. Put Bill in the ocean. Throw him in the ocean. Get over it. No, and it's different. A lamp can't kill you.

Maybe it started a fire in a, in someone's house. Maybe when you go after every point, you're just reaching for shit. I love that. What was that head movement? What were you doing? Hey, we're in outer space and outer space is Earth. All right. I used to have a manager would do that. He'd be like, here's the show.

All right. You both work in an art store. One guy knows how to draw. The other guy doesn't. That's what he would do. You're like, all right, what do I do with that? Oh, that's great. Like, as if to say end or to be like, that's it.

Like, there you go. I mean. That's the show. Yeah. Oh, that's it like there you go i mean that's the show yeah oh oh that's so fucking uh all right he goes uh here's the idea uh oh dude jim carrey did the thing, and he just goes. She goes, what's it called? He goes, it's just this thing I have when he took the pills. Me, myself, and Irene. He was taking pills, and he had all cotton mouth.

He had all cotton mouth, and it was so much. And she just goes, he goes, yeah, it's for my, you know, I got a little thing. And she goes, what's it called? And it was so much and she just goes he goes that's for my you know i got a little thing and she goes what's it called and it was this really long name and then he just goes oh he said the long name and then he made the face yeah can we get one andrew can we get that clip jim carrey cotton mouth me myself and irena advanced illusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage god i think advanced illusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage I love the

involuntary narcissistic rage that guy is a fucking genius man oh my god dude his comedic acting is just so fucking great yeah we'll fucking put a bow on this 59 right andrew we're good yeah well i'm not gonna what is your fear paul i never heard it what is your fear crease sneakers no um drinking a track suit and a dryer. Spaghetti sauce in a jar.

Let's just get the normal ones. Warm beer. A snake. A snake is something that I'm really fearful of. Oh, God. Yeah, fuck that. A snake. I'll take a shark over a snake all day. I don't know why, but I just would. No, I would. A snake. I'll take a shark over a snake all day. I don't know why, but I just would.

No, I would take a snake. Oh, I like this game. I like this game. Because a snake's got no- Shark or snake? And why? A snake has no arms or legs and can fucking strangle you to death. You're not scared of that?

Sharks don't have arms or legs either, Paul. They kind of do, though. They have- They have triangles. They have water arms and legs either paul they kind of do though they have they have they have triangles they have water arms and legs well if you had fins instead of arms and legs do you think you're getting a date on saturday night hey i'm dating this guy he kind of has arms and legs yeah but you know a shark has the tools it needs to move a snake doesn't a snake is a head with a snake has that it just slithers oh dude that's it's incredibly fucking creepy to me man but nothing is crazier than the fact that it could

get so strong around you and crush you and and show and just fucking kill you like that i would take that any day of the week you talk to any guy guy in the UFC, do you want to be knocked out or put to sleep? They always say put to sleep. Dude, I mean, a fucking snake, dude. You're talking about getting eaten alive while drowning as opposed to somebody. Paul, when something fucking strangles you, dude, you're fucking out quick. Dude, when a fucking shark bites you in half, the first fucking seconds you're in shock. It doesn't bite you in half.

It can. It doesn't bite you in half. It fucking bites you to see if you're edible. It takes a chunk. You lose your calf or the back of your fucking leg. And then you got that salt water. No, people scream bloody murder they don't go like where's my leg

dude fuck that and also the fact you know it's coming back and your head's above the water oh my god no that is fucking that that's horrifying you know what else you know what scares me more than both of those is a water snake. Those big, gigantic water snakes in the Amazon going because they can go fed. Dude, that fucking. There you go. That's like your fear.

I'll tell you this right now. I would rather have shark or alligator. Shark. Oof. Alligator is brutal. They spin you underwater. They drown you brutal they spin you underwater they drown you they spin you underwater they grab your arm and then they spin oh no that's fucking horrifying okay we agree on that one all right we definitely agree by the way koala bears i tweeted about this koala bears are the

most vicious they're fucking nuts and apparently you get stds from them they're fucking vicious you don't get stds from a fucking koala pair they give them to each other what are you fucking the thing well i said i heard like can they could give you like they could transmit it to you if they bite you or some shit no i thought somebody said that maybe i'm wrong what the mouth gonorrhea that we're all worried about these fucking like bite you you get like syphilis. I don't fucking know. All I know is they're fucking brutal. I don't know. Maybe they can't.

I don't know. Can they, Andrew? I mean, a lot of head movement there. Somebody says you can accidentally get an STD from a koala. Yeah. If you accidentally stick your dick in their koala pussy.

All right, let's, let's continue on. All right. Okay. All right. I got one for for you skunk or raccoon i go raccoon all day fuck that i gotta go skunk really i go right i'd rather get sprayed than that fucking thing's little needle teeth oh dude the spraying though it'd be so potent and fucking it's like you're jumping your neighbor's

pool can you fight back or you just have to take it no you're just gonna get attacked oh shit you can't fight back on any of these fucking things they're all fast that's why we have guns do you realize how slow human beings are low human beings are yes yes compared all right i got one for you uh baboon oof baboon or bear 100 the lat bear yeah i gotta go bear a baboon will fucking a baboon will fucking rip your fucking limbs off and start playing with them and beat you to death i mean fuck that dude yeah yeah no they they enjoy the kill too much uh all right i got one last one last one bear or pack of wolves oh oh that's actually no because the pack of wolves will like pull at you bite you and do all that i i go i'll just take the one i want with the. I'll take the bear.

I'd go wolves. Really dude. You ever see, I just think it's going to be quicker. It's they're both gonna suck. I would take wolves. All right. I got one for you. Stampeded to death by elephants or like a lion or a tiger cheetah just running you down and fucking going for the- Oh, I go lion all day. Nice choke out.

That thing run at me and I'd be like, get it over with, buddy. I know I'm not outrunning you. Although it all depends. I remember when that idiot, this idiot tried to sneak into the zoo hopped a wall and landed in a fucking tiger pit this tiger ran over grabbed him by the back and he's like killed him have any guns out there they're throwing firecrackers at the thing it left the first time and then came back then there was another tiger coming up curiously and the guy was just sort of kicking at it with his foot and it just sort of kind of like it's so interesting what triggers the predator

thing like did they kill him or no oh no and finally then finally just it got sick of him still being alive because it didn't get him like this it got him back here it just started going like that and that was it yeah the guy died because he didn't want to pay to get into the zoo. Oh my God, dude. What a, that's fucking, fucking cheap people, man. It's the worst people. I mean, he, you know, I mean, no one deserves that, but they don't deserve it, but you know, Oh my God. All right. Here's a good one. Last one. You jump into something something jump over a fence

you find yourself alligator or lion and both are hungry lion no question lion huh over yeah reptiles they it just takes too long bears and reptiles i'm just not into that shit unless you're talking about a shark or a constrictor i gotta go with the constrictor dude that bit you had you had a bit or something you said about how reptiles never have an expression on their face and it's so true oh they kill you yeah they just it's scary like you said like throw a microwave just to confuse it or something like just just to have a snake go around like a an anatomic object and not know why it wasn't oh i forgot okay oh that was the thing could i get a look of confusion on a snake's face yeah no would that be possible you had something to do with the microwave i can't

remember all right dude i gotta go play with the kids here. Yep. We're going to leave it at that. All right, guys. So, Paul, what is your biggest phobia? We really didn't get yours because I talk so much. No, I would say snakes. And the weird thing is the older I get, heights.

It's weird. Plane crash, I would have guessed. Yeah, planes. If we were an alternative couple, because you're not phobic, and we were on the newlywed game, the gay newlywed game, that's what I would guess. I would just be, oh, I know my man, Paul Fersey. Yeah, yeah.

This is easy. Yeah. Plane crash. And then you would say snakes, and then I'd hit you with the cue card. That's how it would go. But, Bill, I thought you knew me. All right, guys. This has been episode 59 of the Anything Better podcast.

Check us out next week for episode 60, six zero. I don't know what athletes had that number and check out Bill's Monday morning podcast. Who's the guy in the Eagles, Chuck Ben Derrick. Was he 60? Oh, that's when the Eagles won it. 1960. There'll be some linemen check out the Verzi effect, YouTube, check out my dates coming up. I'll be in Tampa. Bill is on tour. Check out all his dates. I'll be

in Buffalo. I'll be in Atlanta. I'll be in San Diego. Go to paulverzi.com for all dates, and we'll see you next week. Glenn St. Jean of the Boston Patriots. We're number 60, one of my first football cards. All right. Thank you, everybody. Goodbye. Thank you.