Anything Better? - Take Two

Episode Date: August 2, 2021

Is there Anything Better than Bill and Paul talking about waking up in peace, good food, and the best way to die?

What's up everybody and welcome back to your favorite hour of the week, the Anything Better Podcast, take number two. You guys are listening to episode 26 with myself, Paul Berzy, Phil Burr, and we have him back. And we so desperately needed him. And we realized what we were missing when we don't have the Greek freak, Andrew Themlis. Guys, this is episode 26. Yeah, he's meaning we forgot to hit record. And we talked to each other for an hour.

Look, only Homeland Security got to watch it hey let's do the great 26s paul in sports history well look you know who i say not saying because he's a giant saquon barkley's my favorite 26 that's ridiculous that is fucking ridiculous i'm ready to walk off this you know what the fact that there's been that few great 26's that this guy what's he a year or two in the league

it's not a nice it's not a good looking number it's not it's not a good looking Kyle Korver never heard of the guy he's been in the league since 2003

he's number 9 and he's got his hands up like that and they're showing flames and there's nobody in the seats he's like where the fuck is everybody one of the greatest 26s of all time i number eight levy on bell pittsburgh steelers okay lev bells was you know he had a year of great uh great years running but i gotta say he's still playing paul three three-time pro bowler two-time first

team all-pro what's second team does that mean you don't start no it just means that you didn't make their like you didn't go to Hawaii you didn't make their first year yeah you're just like you're like it's almost like an honorable mention team number seven Saquon Barkley guy's been in the league he's got a full head of hair. Still young. What's he got, 3,000 yards rushing lifetime? No, he's not, dude. He had 2,000 all-purpose yards, I believe, his first year. The kid's an animal, dude.

The kid's unreal. I just said 3,000. I gave the guy next to 1,000. He's already number seven. No, you said in the league total, though, the way you said it. Oh, I thought you said Jimmy Fox, who played 21 years in baseball, is number six. He just beat Saquon Barkley.

26 is a tough one. Who has a rough number? Oh, Darryl Strawberry. I wonder what team he wore 26 with. He was a 26 with the Yankees. He was 18 with the Mets. Yeah, 18's his number. See, they're trying to, like, you know.

They're fishing for a 26. Wade Boggs. Boston Red Sox. New York Yankee had to get a ring. That's how they used to have to do it. You used to have to leave the Red Sox to get a ring. Oh, and then we started dishing out the money and fucking shooting up. And now we got four, just like the Yankees. We stole your recipe, Paul.

Sorry. John Terry. Billy's coming in hot, Andrew. He's coming in hot today. Number three, he's hugging some other guy on a soccer field. I'll give it to him. I don't know what he's done. Three-time Football League Cup winner for Chelsea. Oh, he's in New York City. He won it for Chelsea. Championship League. Kidding. Ron. Rod Woodson. That's a good one.

Wade Boggs, Rod Woodson. I'll give it. And then Adrian Peterson. He's wearing 26. Did'll give it. And then Adrian Peterson. He's wearing 26. Did he wear 26 on the Vikings? Yes. He did. Okay.

Well, there you go. There's a guy making 26 respectable. It's not a good-looking number. I think people that get 26s, it's a kid's birthday. It's their – the first number that I ever was in sports was I was a defensive back in like when I first started playing football. And I said to my mom, what number should I be? I was on the Raiders. And my mom said, you should be 27. So my first number ever was 27, but it looks cool. Seven's a cool looking number. You know, 26 just looks, it's a weird looking number, you know?

You know what? It's an in-between position number. Is this guy a cornerback? Is he a running back? Because nobody, you know what, there's not been enough great 26s. There has not. This guy, you got to have, you know, there's been 25s. Yeah. I don't even know if there's been really 27s.

We'll find out that next week. 27, 28, there's been some 29. We'll find out that next week. 27, 28. There's been some 29s. That number pops out at me. You have a favorite number? When I was a kid, it was always 10. Okay. I like Fran Tarkington. When I played Little League, I wore number 10. Yeah. When I played football, I was 25 for a few weeks until my dad like just totally called it like you're gonna get fucking you're gonna knock your brain around like my dad knew i was gonna make it to the nfl he's like what are you doing out here go play baseball right take me out to the ball game that's such so smart like looking back it's like yeah my son i'm five eight my son will never ever

play football and i'm not gonna have his brains get hit now. I'm like, dude, you got to jump shot. You know who the smart parents were? Go grab some fucking golf clubs. Go fucking play for four hours. Give yourself a chance. I can't believe, guys. I want to apologize to the fans. The amount of people reaching out going, believe guys i want to apologize to the fans the amount of people reaching out going what no anything better me and bill had a funny discussion we talked about grown men fetishes guys that are like rich and powerful get into diapers we talked about all kinds of we were having such a good talk we did an hour and 20 minutes and then i looked at it said file doesn't exist and i my heart stopped so we're doing i i mean, it is just, I mean, don't leave that shit to me ever.

I told my wife, I don't do anything important, okay? You take care, you take care of the bills. We refinanced our house and we had the closing and the guy just came with a stack of things to sign. We did all that shit. All right, now please tell me you're refinancing so you can pay it off quicker. We are gonna pay it off 15 years

quicker, my friend. Okay. Cause if you just refinance it, you're just going back to payment one and you got 30 years of interest ahead of you. No, no, no, dude, we got it down. This refinance was epic. The guy goes, I can't believe this is you guys are going to own, I'm going to own the house and we're going to knock it down, but we did it. We did it. But I'm saying the point of it is all I did was I go, dude, just tell me what to sign. I just put initials on things. And I said, Stacy, you tell me if it's a good, I mean, I behind the music. I can't do shit like that, dude. I understand why people who get into positions of power or people that get rich have people do shit for them. I, I, what's that? Can I offer this one piece of mortgage advice,

having worked in the industry back in the day? People don't know this, but if you have a 30-year mortgage, and every year, if you just make one extra payment a year, that 30 years comes down to 22 and a half years. Yeah. Just by one extra payment. So that's, you know, you add up all those payments. So that's because all the interest is front- is front loaded so like on a 15 year like how is that fucking legal that it's

front loaded because you don't even have like if you paid off in 27 years oh i saved some money it's like no you already gave them all their interest yeah it's three times uh-huh it's usually 3x so if you borrow a hundred thousand dollars on a 30-year loan it's usually 3x. So, if you borrow $100,000 on a 30-year loan, it's usually three. It's like, $330,000, you know, that you would pay over the course. And you're 15-year, Paul, if you make one extra payment a year, and it's been a few years but you'd have that down, I believe it's something like 12 and a half or… No, we're gonna own the house. We're gonna own the house in like, a few years. I'm just saying like, the way we did this with the interest, it was just a really good thing and like, Stacy… Oh, you're just speculating here? Because I know you said earlier that you

just sign shit, you don't pay attention. Well, Stacey told me like in very layman's- There we go. That's what I needed. What? I needed that. Yeah. Stacey told me- I didn't need it from you though. Yeah, yeah. No, Stacey- You even just said, like I thought when you were saying like, when you see see these types of things you understand why people are in positions of power and i thought you're gonna say and not me but you like you know they just like delegate it out dude don't do that paul someone's gonna take all your money yeah not not with money but like i trusted people i i signed what they told me to sign.

And that's like that fucking chick on one of those Real Housewives. Her and her husband were doing some dirty shit. And she was just like, I didn't know what he was doing. I just, they told me to sign things. I signed things. She did that thing. The classic, you know, mob wife. Don't play the babe in the woods.

I thought he was an electrician. Yeah. Don't play the babe in the woods was an electrician yeah don't play the babe in the woods karen i heard that before oh you gotta go babe in the woods even the woods gotta go babe in the woods when they show up and they arrest your buddy you gotta be like i i don't know babe in the woods is great and i found out that the guy that said that to her was the real guy that was so scored that that wasn't an actor that was the guy that actually was doing that to the wives during that during that time tremendous don't play the fucking babe in the

world don't play the bit she goes i don't know nothing oh don't play the babe in the woods karen we know you know she's uh i gotta my mother. I can't see my parents. That was great. She was great in that, dude. I also like I swear to God, I get so fucking annoyed at that level of stupidity. You're in the witness protection program. I can't see my mother. It's just like, where's the first place they're going to wait?

You fucking idiot. Yeah, you weren't complaining when he was giving you fur coats and you knew he was fucking what did you ever look, you'd ever figure out who Jimmy Conway was. You fucking, uh, Oh, by the way, me and you got into an argument, me and Joe DeRosa. And you got into this argument. I think you two are against me. I believe. I don't remember this argument. I argue a lot, Paul, you need to refresh my memory here. This will be a debate and we can have people say my older, one of my brothers says yes, the other says no. I said in Goodfellas, okay, when she goes and he goes, here's a couple thousand, have they been asking him questions? And then she goes, I don't know. He doesn't tell me anything.

And he goes, oh, you want some fur coats? And he goes, go in there. Now, in my opinion, and I broke it down a million times, there's no way he was going to kill her. No, I don't think he was going to kill her. He was going to he wanted to scare her. So he thought so. Henry finds out about it. That's what I thought. So then there's speculation that it was a it can go online. It says the fucking nerds that broke it down and there was also something that said stop with two arrows and they said it was Scorsese doing something but it said it's up for interpretation but I think if he was going to kill Karen I don't think that he would have let her ever leave that place and go into that alley I think he wanted to scare her because those two

guys were in the alley and then have him go home to basically tell Henry, your family will be fucked if you rat us out. That's what I think. A lot of people will say, no, he would have had her killed. But also back then, here's another argument. Back then, women and children were off limits when there were fucking rules to the mob. So I say, no, I say it was to scare her. I don't know what you say. I don't give a shit. But at one point you did. At one point I did. I just don't have the brainpower to give a shit. Dude, I woke up today thinking I had this wide open day and just, you know,

old wifey job showed up. Oh. Oh, my God. Now we're going here. Now we're going there. Blah, blah, blah and blah blah blah blah hey you're gonna you can you eat half of my eggs i don't because i'm gonna go to the gym it's like i'm going to the gym too i'm gonna go there on an empty stomach and it's just like just constantly

because i was gonna not eat them but now they're here so can you take can you just can i just constantly be taking stuff off of my plate and dropping it into your lap? I knew. This is why I feel the next time this goes down, as a man, and you have to take their mood afterwards. You haven't even opened your eye yet. And they just say to you, so what are you doing today? your eye yet and they just say to you so what are you doing today so what are you when they say so what are you doing today that has nothing to do with their concern about oh are you going to enjoy the precious few days that you're given in your life andrew did i know they are fucking

asking you uh hey no no no don't blame this all on my wife paul half it's because you didn't fucking hit record number oh i didn't say the lord. Don't blame this all on my wife, Paul. Half it's because you didn't fucking hit record. Oh, I didn't say the Lord. I didn't blame. I'm not blaming your wife. I'm not blaming your wife. I'm saying I know you as my friend, and I knew you came in hot with the little ants. I've known you for, what do I know you now?

Yeah, because you didn't hit record, and then you also can't figure out a fucking time zone, and you acted like you knew what the fuck you were going to be here, and you fucked the whole thing up, and I've been sitting here for an hour and it's like is your microphone good moving over here what have i got here does this sound good so anyway it was on a plane the next fucking time oh that's great i deserve

it the next fucking time i'm laying there i'm i'm and my wife goes so what are you doing today i I'm going to have my eyes closed. Honey, why don't you do me a favor? Why don't you just shut up? How about that? Don't do that. You know what I'm going to do today? I'm going to tell you to shut up until I have breakfast.

Don't do that. Whatever this fucking thing is that you do every morning where you wake up with anxiety of how am i gonna get through this fucking day and she's just gotta and just dump all of this shit onto me while i'm laying there paul my pajama bottoms in a t-shirt uh my eyes closed yeah she's filling up my fucking inbox with shit. I didn't even know I had to fucking do. And it's like, let me open my fucking eyes. Stacey does that. It's like, it's like, let me open my fucking eyes.

Can I fucking open my eyes? Can I fucking, can I just open the window and look in my backyard? Can I just look outside for a second and fucking put a robe on i mean it's it's like you know what dude she fucking hovers she hovers that's what she does she sits on the edge of the bed goes what do you want to do today and it's like no you have a plan that you want to do i'm sorry go ahead this is how it goes no go ahead one of us is chill and then the other person says something and then the other person who was chill ends up getting even more heated you were fucking chill about 30 seconds

ago yeah no because as soon as you said like what do you want to do or how's your day or what's your plan it made me think of stacy hovering exactly the fucking anxiety i wake up like oh god what what what is the problem what is the problem yeah do you have any plans today we gotta go over to the thing and somebody's gotta get picked up and 2 30 i can't do it because because i gotta be paul i mean you would literally think that the feds were at the fucking door. We're talking about how to get toddlers from point A to point B during the day. And we have two cars.

What is the problem? You know, and listen, my wife does it out of the goodness of her heart, but it's so panicked. She'll go, should we have them over? Should we go out to dinner? What did you want to do for dinner tonight? Should I call your sister? And I'm going like, I don't. These are fun things.

These are fun things. That's when you meet a dog, you know, be like, hey, how you doing? You don't have your voice up there because it makes the dog like, what the fuck? You're supposed to be chill. That's what they do to me. I'm laying there in my little doggy bed, fucking relaxed, and all of a sudden I just get,

dude, do you think? I wake up, it's like, is the bed spread on fire? What the fuck are we talking about here? Do you think the guy, I think the guy who invented the heavy bag is a fucking genius because he probably just went into the does it shape like a woman after two oh god that's brutal oh he i think no

i think a guy goes i need to hit something right i think he goes i'm just gonna go get sand i'm gonna wrap it in leather and i'm gonna to just fucking let it all out. Dude. Whoever invented the heavy bag. Tell me that guy wasn't divorced three times. I know. Cause I got to tell you hitting a heavy bag is nothing like hitting a human being. It's just fucking standing there. It's not fighting back.

I get it. You just go. Her mother. Just pouring sweat sweat i can't do it in defense of my wife though who i do love to death or whatever and my thing is you know what it really is is i need to learn how to fucking cope with that energy no but they also need i'm gonna get some snacks just like you do with the dog when a dog dog gets fucking crazy, you just go, whoo, whoo, whoo. Bill, but Bill, there's no coping with trying to win. It's a green one.

Dude, dude. Who's going to get through their day? Who's going to get through their day? No, but dude, I actually flipped out because, you know, I love my neighbors, okay? But they've been redoing their house and they hired one old guy to do it. There's one guy working on it. He looks like fucking old man of the sea and he's bringing like one piece of lumber in every time.

Dude, they redid their driveway. It took like a fucking year. I thought the guy was going to die. He's like so fucking old and he's out there digging this thing up. It's like hot out and shit. Yeah yeah so i saw him like a month ago and the guy was just going like ah it's last you're gonna see me i'm living my dream up in fucking uh maskatuska starting my own he had a fucking little coke machine in the back of his truck right yeah well dude fucking yesterday out

of nowhere his truck is back and there's a giant rv parked out front i think he's living in there i don't know what the people got him doing now but this poor bastard should get a medal yeah oh speaking of metals like i swear to god paul the guy's like in his 60s he's doing this back-breaking work by himself he's like slogging concrete around this fucking tree. Guys like that might love it, though. He might want to do it. My stepfather's like that.

He's 62. Paul, is there anything worse than a broken down Winnebago parked out in front of your fucking house and you have no idea how long it's going to be there? That's like fucking Cousin Eddie from Vacation. I know.

Are they cooking meth out there? What are we doing? The shit was full. I'm a fucking RV guy. Yeah. I love RVs and I love an old fucked up looking one, but like, I'm just,

I don't give a fuck that it's out there. I love my neighbors. God bless them. They're fixing up the house, but it's like, can you give the guy some help? Yeah. You know me. I don't like the old shit concrete okay it's not gonna end well

listen you had me with rv and i get you but not old rv you know me i'm not going into old shit if i'm buying an rv it's gonna be fucking 2022 fully fucking loaded okay all right let me hear let me hear your dream tour bus paul okay Okay. What do you got? Okay, bathroom, white marble, and a bathroom is white marble with a shower and hand-done tiles. You got a half a mile a gallon. That's a ton of weight to this bitch. Oh, dude, it would be.

You got a limestone floor. Oh, dude. With solid gold fixtures. Yeah, I would have soft leather recliners for the couches where, where you can call us a leather Paul. Oh, come on, come on, Bill. I should name my special white leather, white leather. Yeah. White leather. Um, yeah, I would go, I would go, we had one that year we did with you where it was black on the outside and it was really nice on the inside, but I would just have it all flat screens. I would um you know i would have a little humidor with cigars accent around

the fucking white like a black to make the white pop more maybe a little gold maybe a little gold stripe white with gold stripe yeah i'd have a humidor bill i'd have a little humidor in there you know what else i'd have in there i'd have a little humidor in there. You know what else I'd have in there? I'd have a little wine refrigerator with my reds and my whites. And then in there dressed like Rodney Dangerfield with like boxer shorts, a wife beater, open robe and a cigar. Somebody shut the little fat bastard up. Mom, Anthony, grandma, somebody shut the... But Bill, you can't cope cope you just said something I want to

go back to you can't cope with energy of somebody standing over you and I'm not talking about your wife I'm talking about women in general that want to plan a day when their husband is sleeping you can't there's no feeling of sleeping and waking up with a fucking world where I can ask her while she's still sleeping, just beginning to wake up. What are you doing today? Okay. Because, you know, I got to play drums for an hour and, you know, I'm going to go fucking,

I don't know, go smoke a cigar and I got to make sure there's an ashtray. Yeah. Yeah. I think when somebody sleeps, dude, it's off limits. It should be, it's off limits. You know, let's talk after breakfast. Maybe shut up is too bad. Maybe I should just lay that my eyes closed and be like will you Stop talking, please

How about yeah, you stop talking please. Will you stop? Talking please. That's what how about this one? How about this one? This is a good one ready? I'll close my eyes for this one. I'll get into character ready. I think that's how about this one how about this one this is a good one ready i'll close my eyes for this one i'll get into character ready ready not now not now i like that one right because not now it's like listen we'll talk later not now i'm resting not now hey hey hey zip it Zip it. Oh, yeah, dude. You know what? I need a time. I don't want to hear a fucking word out of you unless there's an intruder

or the place is on fire before, you know, before seven. We've got two little ones who get up. Oof, before seven is, yeah, that's like definite for me dude my son is so fucking strong i just bought him some wife beaters a little tank top whatever the fuck he's supposed to call him now

that's great it is jacked oh dude i told you dude he walked up he had a sippy cup we have this giant thing in front of the fireplace it's supposed to be metal thing that's supposed to be like a kid protector thing he just grabbed it like this and just started pulling it back i'm seeing his little baby lat muscles it's hilarious like it was nothing paul yeah oh dude he's he's gonna be a bruiser and uh you know you may have to throw a gold chain on that kid i'm not you know i don't know about that paul a gold chain at too young an age will send your kid down the wrong road i could buy that yeah that's like you go to the carnival and you get the kid the fake tattoo it's just like you're the very least is gonna to try cocaine now.

Yeah. I'm not saying if they don't, they won't, but you can't give them the dirt bag starter kit. Yeah. The cigarettes that were gum, that blue smoke. Yep.

Fake earring, all that punk shit. Yeah. They gravitate towards it. Then you blame your wife. That's how it works. But you can't be the guy that's setting them up for that stuff. All right, Bill. I got to tell you, Paul, you know, for a guy with a shaped beard, a gold chain, and a gold watch, you know, you turned out all right.

Yeah, but I had my problems. something was watching over me i was arrested i was an animal i i was talking about that um to the people that drove me to the hotel we were just talking about how a lot of people just open up children yeah and i was just going like i got all of that shit out young i I started drinking in bars at 16. I would get naked at parties and fucking do the dumb keg stands and do all that. But it was all out of my system by 21. A couple of arrests. I got a DUI that got knocked down.

I got it all out. I got it all out. I got to tell you something, dude. By 24, I was like a working, like get my shit together, got into a relationship that I'm still in now. But oh, from 16 to 21, people were worried. People were worried, you know? You got it out early.

There's a couple of guys I know like that. I got a buddy of mine, one of my old roommates. He got it all out by like, he got sober at like 16 or 17. In his teens, he got sober. That's how. Bobby Kelly said, Bobby Kelly said to me, he goes, dude, I've been fucking like 20 something. I'm going, how old? I go 30 something.

That's the guy I was talking about. I used to live with him. Oh yeah. He's like, and he was like, yeah, dude, I was like partying like that at 15. And I was just going like, wow. Like you, like, that's fucking, but you know what? He knew. Like, it it was like it'll kill like you're gonna end up you're gonna end up fucking in jail or you know what's sad is when you go to your local when you go hometown you ever go to your hometown and you

go to like and you see like local friends that are still there and they're just like fucking happen to me anymore dude i'm too fucking old they're all gone dude i graduated high school 30 something years ago they're gone wow like there's nobody there's nobody in my fucking hometown that i went to high school i don't see anybody and dude if you fucking stay in your hometown and you just keep going to that tavern you're gonna be dead by the time you're 50. so you know i dude i had a couple of kids i loved the kids i went to school there was a couple of kids man i couldn't believe it that passed away you know some of the bigger guys i guess you understood because you know you're

carrying that weight around it just catches up with you there was a couple people i was just like god damn yeah you know i think i think one of the kids i went to high school with him yeah you know i think i think one of the kids i went to high school with uh just smoked you know picked up smoking in high school and i remember thinking that like because he had a stroke or something and died somebody said to me yeah man he just couldn't lay off the cigarettes and i remember thinking like man i remember him before he smoked like it really was just like wow how fucking old am i that one of my friends i remember when he started smoking he has now died from it all right this is getting bleak wow yeah anyway let's let's talk about let's talk about the olympics so me and you discussed last time

oh yeah we talked last time paul verzi out of nowhere classic paul verzi we all know paul's not going to go small when he sends a text let me find this here oh paulie verzi was watching the olympics he can't just sit there and watch world-class athletes and be like wow these people are amazing he has to somehow insert himself into the equation and this is what this is what he ever said this is what he ended up saying to me uh where we are all right yo i'm watching the olympics thinking if i had four years i can do some of this shit lol i'm either competitive or nuts lol okay So what were you watching that you felt within four years that you could make an Olympic team? I think, I think with the proper training and hours from, for four years, I think I can do or compete in. So you are actually going to train for the event. Okay. Yes. I, I think, um, archery, the rightful shooting three on three handball.

And, uh, and then I know this is nuts, but I was, I was watching the synchronized diving. I was, then I just pictured me fucking hairy and a speedo walking up with a little belly fat hanging over just doing a little stretch you know what would be great dude is if you were in your body type but you were still like totally flexible like they were and you did that classic greg luganis you ever see the one where he would jump up in the air like fold in half touch his toes and then come back out and just go straight like right into the he was the greatest there ever was. If you had his grace, like literally Paul Verzi, the listeners got to have you, your head doing the triple Lindy.

Oh, speaking of the listeners, so many people got a kick out of me apparently sitting in a fishing boat, looking at Hitler going, the fuck's the matter with you? Where people said they were crying. If anybody wants to animate that, people were like, you got to get an animation of you and Hitler fishing. It's silent for a few seconds. And then I just lean over and go, fuck's the matter with you? But speaking of the listeners, guys, thank you so much. We always want to say on the show, thank you for listening. The show's growing. Please rate, review anything better. Is there anything better than anything better? The amount of people reaching out, pissed off that they

almost missed this week. Thank you guys so much. Keep rating the show. Yep. All right, everyone, advertising time. It's Green Chef. You know something? Green Chef lets you choose from a wide array of easy-to-follow recipes perfect for keto, paleo, and plant-powered diets, or even if you just want to eat in a more balanced way. Green Chef's expert chefs design flavorful recipes that go way beyond ordinary for a diverse array of meal plans and plenty of options to choose from each week. Okay, Paul, this isn't just salt and pepper, all right? They're breaking out the cumin. They're breaking out the turmeric. Make leading a healthier lifestyle easier than ever with satisfying home-cooked dinners with the options that work around your lifestyle, not the other

way around. Everything is hand-picked. I always picture migrant workers featuring organic veggies and high quality proteins delivered to your door, pre-measured and mostly prepared in insulated packaging. Green Chef is the most sustainable meal kit, offering 100% of its direct carbon emissions and plastic packaging. What? Offsetting, sorry. 100% of its direct carbon emissions and plastic packaging. What? Offsetting. Sorry. 100% of it's direct carbon emissions and plastic packaging in every box. So you can feel great about what you're eating and how it got to your table. Thought starters. What is your favorite green chef recipe? Oh, I love the fucking spinach smoothie. Who did you cook with? You know what? Me and the voices in my head.

How has the green chef helped you save time? Well, you know, they give me a little baggie of ingredients. I just throw it on the protein and then I sizzle it up. How is green chef's offering fit perfectly with your diet or lifestyle? Listen, I quit boozing and I'm into milkshakes now. That's my thing. Once a week, Paul, I make myself a milkshake, you know? So it's nice now. That's my thing. Once a week, Paul, I make myself a milkshake. So it's nice to have some leaves laying around, right? What do you love most about Green Chef? Well, they sponsor the podcast, which allows me to buy Green Chef. Go to greenchef.com slash better100 and use the code better100 to get $100 off and including free shipping, Paul. 100 to get $100 off and free, including free shipping, Paul. That's greenchef.com slash better, all capitals, 100, B-E-T-T-E-R 1-0-0, and use code BETTER100 to get $100 off and free

shipping. Green Chef, the number one meal kit for eating well, to help me not be a tub of shit. That sounded like the end of a real commercial. Dude, I swear to God, man. I put on so much frigging weight during this thing. I hate myself. All right, everybody. It's time. Grabbing handfuls of it right now.

I know I look good up here, dude. I've been doing the cardio because you lose it here first. Down here, dude, I'm telling you, I got a nice fucking Philly cheesesteak. Yeah. Couple of handfuls, Paul. Handfuls of lard. Well, speaking of that, Bill, when you feel like a piece of shit, you know what? You could talk to somebody. Speaking of talking to somebody, we got talk space, everybody. The world is racing to get back to normal and start meeting up in person again. Hey, I don't know. Give it a month,

okay? Half the people are vaccinated. Let's go out and all go breathe on each other. But after the year we've all had, getting back and feeling normal takes time. If you're feeling overwhelmed by it all- I am. You're not alone. It's important to find. Are they going to give me permission to cry? Because I will. It's just the first three weeks of this, it was fine. You know, I could catch up with my kids. And now it's just like, I don't have a sense of purpose anymore.

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relationships, and more to help you start feeling better. Start feeling better with a single message. Match with a licensed therapist when you go to TalkSpace.com and get $100 off your first month with the promo code. Anything better. That's $100 when you use the code, anything better at Talkspace.com. Get the help you so desperately need. That's right. Figure out why you're messed up. So you'll stop, you know, making everybody else miserable. That's what I'm doing. Bill had a good idea. I got to give a shout out. Yeah. I got to give a shout out to Chinese people in Massachusetts,

particularly the ones that make the greatest Chinese food there ever was in Massachusetts. I was really thinking about it because I'm going back there to do a benefit for my friend, unfortunately, who passed away. And we're going to order Chinese food because it is such a part of the Boston comedy scene. If it wasn't for Chinese restaurants in Massachusetts, I would not have a stand up career. Literally the first like comedy club that there ever was was Ding Ho, back room of a Chinese restaurant. I used to work the Aku Aku's in fucking Arlington, in Worcester, Mass. What was another

one I worked? The Kowloon. It was just Chinese food restaurants and stand-up comedy. Somehow early on had a handshake deal in the late 70ies and all of the great comics that you saw that came out of Boston was because of those. We got to do time in those people's restaurants. So thank you to them. I never thought about that. I don't think they ever get the credit. They always talk about what is it in the water in Boston? It's like, no, what is it in the Chinese food? Cause that's what we were all doing. Stand up, man. It was fucking awesome. And to this day, to this day, I go back to Boston, I get a poo poo platter, crab rangoon and all of that shit. My mind goes back to talking to all of

these comics that I met like 30 years ago and watching all those great headliners, you know, that I opened for in these fucking restaurants. And they were always in, you know, with all the hell gigs that you played, the Chinese restaurant ones were always great because they had a legit room in the back, a legit function room. And so shout out to them. Yeah, I did the Kowloon for like a benefit for someone. I drove out there and my brother, I think, came out to it or something. And I did that back room, which was fantastic. And then we sat at that restaurant, which was huge.

And we just ordered everything. And it was incredible. It was really incredible. I don't know what's going on. I don't know why. Like, they don't do it. Like out here, there's a place, the best egg rolls I think I've ever had out here. But like,

there's something about East coast with like the chicken fingers, like who has chicken fingers, whatever the fuck those things are. I read an article. I read an article once. It's because they were catering to the Italians. So Chinese Pete, the Chinese restaurants in Boston were catering to Italians. That's why. And I never even put two and two together, but cause obviously I grew up out here. I'm back home, but, uh, is they give you roles. They give you roles. Think about that. If you go to a Chinese restaurant here, they give you bread beforehand and they don't do that anywhere.

And it's because Italians expected bread before the meal. And that's why they have like the gold fingers. Same thing. It was like that that tempura like style they there's an article I sent you once if I find it I'll send it again but it was Chinese catering to uh the Italian population because they were the only ones when people were very really racist the Italians would go in and so they said all right let's make sure that they're happy I'll do when I go back when i go back to massachusetts you know when i finally feel home chinese food and then those little bar pizzas like you know paul you guys

got the big pizzas down there in new york in boston they have like you know every two three towns has like a spot it seems and then the towns argue about who has the best spot and i just listen to the arguments and i write down all the places and I end up trying all of them out. And it's just like that, like, I don't know, the change of season and the food, the two things and doing stand up in a Chinese restaurant is probably what I miss most about Massachusetts. You know, I think this fucking pizza tasting thing, I think it's a little much, man. this fucking pizza tasting thing i think it's a little much man pizza is subjective man pizza is subjective the way comedy is subjective someone someone what happened did barstool shit on a place that you like no no no i didn't know not at all i didn't i never even been to the i'm just saying

that like people are like dude that spot over there in midtown is the best and then i tasted i'm like well that sauce is sweet for me. And then you go to another place and you're like, oh, that one, that's too bready. No, because there's a place that everybody fucking swears by the whole comedy community, and I'm not into it. Yeah, no. My spot was Sutton Pizza up on First Avenue.

I don't know if it's still there, if they even still make it the same way. But it had like, it was a tanginess i don't like a sweetness in my pizza i don't like that at all me neither no sweet yeah and they had like the sauce really had a presence and then the cheese added to it because uh what those fucking animals paul the the animal. I said like Chuck E. Cheese and Pizza Hut. What the fuck they did? What are you holding up? It was open. It just permanently closed.

Permanently closed. Sutton Ave Pizza is just a- Sutton Pizza? It closed, yeah, just recently. Fuck. Dude, I remember going in there during the fucking awful seventh or eighth inning in the 2003 red socks yankees with bobby kelly and he had like a fucking walkman on whatever the fuck we had back then listening to the game and i and we just knew it we knew that they were going to blow it again

i was like what what happened he's just like uh you don't want to know you know the danger fields yeah that's the worst and that just they were laughing knowing your team like like they were watching a comedy yeah fucking brutal and i just my only thing that made me feel good was getting a slice of pizza there well hey thank you to everybody at sutton have pizza for all the great slices of pizza i probably had a thousand of them over there i got to the point where i knew the guy, the guy that made him the best. And I also think that he ran it because he seemed like he was under the most stress. Italian dude, jet black hair, a little bit older, but full head of fucking hair. And he had it, he had it longer, like the 70s style. And I'm like, this guy

remembers like Son of Sam. He was like a legit New Yorker type of guy, you know? Yeah. Well, I'll tell you a great pizza place. It's a famous place. It's in Westchester. It's on the Maranick Avenue and it's called, and it's Sal's. Sal's Pizza on the Maranick Avenue has been there forever. It's great. And then I'm a Frank Pepe's guy. A lot of people think the greatest pizza in the country is from New Haven, Connecticut. New Haven, Connecticut has a lot of spots like Sally's, like Pepe's, a lot of brick oven pizza. And that has its own taste. But these people that are like, that pizza sucks.

It's like, I don't get into arguments with that because it's such a subjective thing. But I will say this, and it does suck that you're, even though it was the the yankees there's nothing worse than listening and then not looking and your friend just going uh that's the fucking worst dude when you know it's coming my stomach wasn't fucking nuts i just like you just knew until they finally did it and one you just it's like being a knicks fan you just i was gonna say i was gonna say knicks games where I would see them up by nine with eight minutes left in the fourth, and you slowly just started to see it happen. And it was just, you knew it was going to happen.

But here we go. Gold medal. This is my list. Then you could give yours. All right. Gold medal. Italian cuisine for me, number one, across the board because of the seafood and many reasons why I say Italian food won. Two, the silver medal for me number one across the board because of the seafood and many reasons why i say italian food one two the silver medal for me across the board asian japanese and chinese

food asian cuisine gets the silver medal for me so i got italian gold i got chinese and you went country to continent yeah as A whole race of people. Yeah, Asian. Yeah, because it's just, you know, it's and then bronze is where I have the hard time because I'm starting to now a lot of people would say Mexican. My wife loves Mexican food. But, dude, there's some sleepers out there, man. Indian food and also Middle Eastern food is. Indian food is a sleeper over here.

You go to England, Indian food. It's almost like Italian food. Like it's almost like number one, not England food. Right. So say if I was going like whatever the my my gold, silver and bronze. Yeah. Of food. Yeah, that's a tough one. Ah, shit, dude.

I mean, I don't even know. Italian, French. Oof, see, yeah. And then I got to go, I got to tell you something right now. Salvadorian food. I just had a papusa changed my fucking life yeah salvador i gotta take you i don't know if they got a good salvadorian food uh scene out there in new york you come out here there's a there's a two spots i found out here insane yeah and what about insane what about that restaurant in manhattan that's open real late you

may know that hungarian one it's open all night they got the beet soup they got a fake all of that shit dude soup is insane dude the beats it really can't really go top three and then like you know obviously you know mexican food not what taco bell i can't understand you know with all this fucking you know you know woke cultural and all this bullshit that's going out there that someone hasn't come out and addressed what Taco Bell has done to Mexican cuisine. I mean, it's like incestuous. They have like a burrito fucking a taco that's coming back at a torta. With a Dorito. It's literally like Nazi doctors took a cuisine.

You know, they just started sewing people's heads together and shit. Like they're just fucking lunatics. That's what they're doing with the food yeah i just literally watched taco bell commercials like what in the fuck are they are they it's they they're just completely out of ideas it's like they're writing the same song over and over again yeah well i got hummel they're like turning that that whole cuisine into like a hummel. Yeah. I guess a burrito, by the way, I learned on my podcast was a total like, you know, white guy order. But I got to tell you, man, I stand by it. Yeah, you love a burrito. I've had the torta.

It's fucking amazing. I've had all of that shit. I try to do it like a fuck like you're supposed to do it. But I always come back, man. You know, give me a nice fucking chicken burrito with a bunch of shit. I don't like the wet burrito, though. It's messy. The way we're talking now, the Mexico just got knocked out of bronze for me.

So now it's, I like it, but I don't put it in the top three cuisines. You're going to come out here to LA now? You're going to have problems. No, no, listen. Listen, I love a fucking taco like the next guy. But what I'm saying is, it's not my top three of all time, dude. I got to tell you, man. I mean, you got to give it up.

Mexican food, they literally took over a day of the week. Taco Tuesdays. I know. Wednesday was Prince Spaghetti Day. I mean, right there, you're in the Mount Rushmore of food. If America, the way we chow down here, if we give you a fucking day, I put Mexican food top five for sure.

Okay? But there's... What about a good shawarma? A good shawarma, dude? That shit is... I went to this Jordanian restaurant. I know, but they're like... Every food... Dude, I wish you could have been in fucking,

when we were in Israel. The food that we had over there was insane. But I'm just saying as far as like, you know. Yeah, I got it under. It's like pop music. Now you're kind of getting into like fucking music head bands when you start going shawarma. Yeah. Like that. I got a sleeper for you.

Oh, you know, Paulie loves a fucking schnitzel. No, what? It was German. I'm soda Kenny with his pretzels and you with your schnitzel. And we were going through Germany. I love the schnitzel, dude. I had the schnitzel with the side of the potato. It was unbelievable, man. I mean, you, you get all excited. Hey, Kenny, Kenny, It was unbelievable, man. I mean, you get all excited. Hey, Kenny, Kenny, they got pretzels. Oh, Kenny would go like, who you don't say?

Hi, sir. Can I have a pretzel, please? Clubster, I'm not from around here, but could I have one of your delicious warm pretzels? Every time you saw Kenny, he was holding a pretzel. He said he got one everywhere we went. That was the best, dude. That was the fucking best. I just loved how Kennyny was still kenny yeah he went over there he just fucking he literally he had like he i told him he breaks down people into three categories shit hims jerk offs and knock around guys

yeah get him's a total dirtbag scumbag criminal a jerk off you know it's us you know fucking trying to record a podcast we don't hit i can't record and then a knock around guy is just a good guy you can fucking depend on and when he goes to europe he just i could see him just breaking down people their body language and everything shit him jerk off this guy's all right remember you got mad at me or you were like you were like going like paul why are you why are you asking for a booth like they know because we went into a place and i was like ah yeah can we get the can we get the booths over there you would fucking walk in once you heard that they spoke english

you just started fucking you were just talking like they were american hey what's going on can you hook us up with like a booth or some shit like that and they're just like you have to like slow it down like hello we would like yeah seats for four please like i just try to keep it basic english you're fucking talking rapid fire can we get the yankees up on the screen we're like fucking frankfurt germany oh shit andrew andrew will you go if i mean quick if you could do the top uh gold silver medal for cuisine i said italian gold asian cuisine silver and then i'm still debating on three, but I think I'll have an answer soon. What do you say?

Italian. Yeah. Greek. Nice. And then I got to go Chinese, Asian, yeah. I mean, I don't want to just say Asian because Thai is different. Okay. How about when you traveled?

The best food you ever had, where was it? gonna go i don't know i've only been to a few other countries i mean i've been to greece that was probably so traveling greece hands down i mean like you get a fish the guy brings it off the boat you see him walk it to the kitchen right the pastry's fresh i mean everything's you know everything's just perfect with paris i mean yeah paris was just nipping right at its heels like if they were in the swimming pool italy touched first but then france came right in because i was in rome because i went down to that uh where all the lemons are but what the fuck is that that coast everybody goes down to amalfi mouthy off the coast food was touristy wasn't good i couldn't believe it wow nia hey i'm actually on the podcast right now remember the amalfi coast food yes not good right it was just okay it was only okay the lovely knee everybody making a first appearance on the anything better oh hey hey hey how are you i'm good i feel like we're floating in space with

this hey you gotta trash me back i was talking about we were talking about is there anything worse than when you still have your eyes closed and your wife wakes up with the anxiety of like what are you doing today i don't have can you can not anxiety. I'm just trying to plan what the day is. The day. Because certain people are so simple minded that they can only like do like one little thing at a time. It's overwhelming to think that someone could perhaps be thinking about.

This is page one of abusive people as they blame the victim. You wake up with like, what are you doing today? I'm just trying to figure out what's going on with the day oh stacy does it too could you have this vibe that's all i'm doing because i have the podcast vibe because this is not you're making me want to do shit with you i'm just like laying there and like so what's your plans today and i'm only asking because we have to do this this this and i'm just like, ha. Good, good.

Anyway, I'll let you. Can I do that? Can I do that to you? Can I wake you up? Yes. Hey, what are you doing today? Yes, yes, you can. I would like that. Take a little, be a little proactive about the day.

Really? I'm going to leave you alone. Bye, Nia. Bye, guys. Bye. By the way, that answer was phenomenal, but it's complete bullshit. We both know if you get woken up before eight o'clock, like nobody's going to have a good time until 2 p.m. That's hilarious.

Oh, my God. The act you just put on. Hey, Nia, don't play the babe in the woods routine with me. All right. I'm fucking almost done. I'm making money here. What is the problem? Oh, all right. Okay. Um, cousins are here. They want to say hi real quick. All right. So we got, we got five guys talk amongst yourselves. I'm going to go, I'm going to go knock that out real quick. Okay. Talk about food. All right. No, I'm still offended.

Nobody brought a fucking, I got to tell you something, Ireland. all right no i'm still offended nobody brought a fucking i gotta tell you something ireland all right go say hi to the cousins the cousins shepherd's pie one of those things in england is good right i'm fucking meat pie with the potatoes all right now now we're grasping yeah but paul where are you gonna eat for the rest of your life though there's only one because one country i mean listen i could I could eat in all seriousness, and this is not a joke. I could eat sushi and Japanese cuisine every day of my life because it's just clean eating. I love the fish.

Mercury poisoning, Paul, that happened to Jeremy, Jeremy Piven. He got mercury poison. He was eating sushi every day in LA. But if I had to say gun to my head, what cuisine, it would be Italian just because you get Italian because, because you also get the seafood, but then you get the lasagna, then you get the eggplant, but then you could get amazing salads. You could also, the pastas are incredible. Yeah. Multiple times. And, uh, Venice is my favorite place on earth, dude. It's my favorite place on earth. And so, yeah, I would say just because of the array of different things,

but I'm still trying to find a bronze medal winner here because I said Mexican food would probably be in my top five. But dude, what about, does Indian sneak in there? Because dude, good Indian food is incredible. I'm not, I can't get past, I'm not a curry guy. So I don't, I, that chicken tiki, all that stuff. I got a huge blind spot to it. So I just, I can't even, I can't even grade it. But if we're going to go regions, cause the Mexican, the burrito is Mexican. It's just Northern part of Mexico. Right? So it's not that it's not authentic as Bill's

saying before, cause I looked it up, but I would say if you're going to go regions, it's like Mediterranean. And then I would go that way. You could lump in Italy and Greece. And then I would go, uh, then I would go eat, you know, Asian food. And then I would probably go Mexican. I would probably do that. But, uh, Yeah. I mean, look, I think we know that that Chinese and Japanese food and the Asian cuisine is definitely top three. I think we all know that Italian food is Jordan. Number one. I think that the third one is obviously up for discussion. I mean, listen, do we are forgetting like American food? We're like a good burger. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Like, you know, like a good burger and chicken wings and shit. Like, so, but here's the other thing, dude.

Well, Americana. We're leaving out brisket and barbecue. Yeah, like I'm saying, like there's American cuisine that people forget where like I'm in Austin and I'm gonna go, I'm gonna have a little night tonight. I'm gonna get some mac and cheese, okay? But you know what I'm getting fucking tired of, right, is on the Food Network.

My wife is watching some channel. You know those shows where it's just like the people don't know how to cook, so they just start slamming a bunch of shit together? Yeah. You know, they're like, you are not putting ice cream on that fried chicken. Oh, my God. I watched a guy, he had a cheeseburger. What do they call it at the carnival?

The little like the doughy thing that you find. Oh, oh, exactly. Funnel cake or fried dough. It was a cheeseburger with a funnel cake with powdered sugar. And then we put pulled pork on top of it and like cheese. And they're doing all, okay, so you got the savory of the hamburger. And then you got the sweetness thing. but then you bring it back here it's just like you're just taking a bunch of things that are good by themselves it's like they're creating a super group right that's what my brother did when he was drunk and high at one in the morning

like it's it's it's stupid it's still we're gonna fry donuts and make the donuts with a bun of the burger and it's i don't i'm like you though. When you said before, Bill, I agree with a hundred percent. I don't fuck with sweet with my dinner. Okay. Sweet comes later with the coffee. Always. It tops it off. No, like you pick a fucking lane.

You know what I mean? It's like you watch a political comic. All of a sudden he doesn't start pulling out props or pull out a fucking dummy. You know, I'm a ventriloquist prop act guitar act uh absurdist fucking i don't know cigarette smoking guy it's like then none of it is good the chicken would be good if you didn't put ice cream on it i'd like to have ice cream i love ice cream but i don't want it on top of chicken uh that'd be funny if carrot top just kicked his fucking chest of toys to the side and just here's the problem with biden you're like what

well he should do it to make fun all those people that flip out about that stuff what about one of the great people you're ever going to meet in this business uh never met carrot top never met the best um what dude the amount of people that are given simone biles shit is so fucking ridiculous it's like good for her that she doesn't want to fucking jump off a vault when she's like mentally not ready for first of all she goes like they go like 15 feet in the air spinning upside down on their heads and she goes i don't trust myself right now and people are like what the fuck think about that now look like look when you think see what the fuck happened to her and all those other poor gymnasts and the fact that they're still competing and don't have the time

to even fucking process that while you're gonna do something where if you mess up you could be you could kill yourself or break your neck remember that girl from china that happened to a few years ago she was on the uneven bars she landed on her head and broke her neck just laying this poor girl whole life ahead of her just like that it's just like no that's you know you got nothing to prove you won the fucking medals go uh go live your life part of the story they're leaving out next time or whatever yeah the part of the story they're leaving out a lot of places uh is that she uh had she's prescription ritalin that she's been on her whole life and in japan i guess because and i'm lifting this from rogan uh was

because in japan they have a sensitivity to all those because of like you know back in kamikaze all the amphetamines like all that stuff uh so she's not allowed to take her medication there so she's basically been told she had to go cold Turkey off something that she takes all the time. So if this was the Berlin Olympic, she would have been fine, but yeah. And they said that it's causing her, you can take whatever drug you want in Germany. No, but she, she has vertigo too. So when she's in the air,

she's not knowing, she didn't know like so when she's in the air she's not knowing she didn't know like which flip she was in or like and it's just and then you know at first it was easy i could have been a dick well you're wearing goat flip-flops don't talk that shit not compete it's like oh that's ridiculous dude the girl knows her body she knows what she's doing good for her and i love how these fat fucks that are watching it on TV, watching it, you know, on their TV screen, holding a bud light going, what did she quit on her team? No, it's really the media do because they were banking, they were going to make so much money off of her. So then they had to just keep gassing the story up because they're sitting there like, like, oh no, the star of the show just left. What do we do? It's like a fucking rain delay for them.

What are they going to talk about now? But here's the thing for me, Paul underrated or not. Is there anything better? Yeah. Is there anything better than retiring? Oh, no.

Is there anything better than walking away when people still want to see more? And then you just disappear, hang out on your back porch, crack open a couple of cold ones and let people talk about what you did. I got to tell you something. I love that. I think it's great when athletes know that they lost a step and they don't want to fucking be that guy or that woman that used to be dominant and now is starting to get past. I think it's amazing. And even in comedy, as great as it is, you know, I seeing somebody old

and being like helped up. It's like at some point it's like sit in a chair, smoke a stick, pet your dog's head and reflect on what you did and fucking walk away and enjoy the new guys. That's I got one for you, dude. The three greatest retirements I've seen. Marvin Hagler. Yeah. Barry Sanders. Yeah. Johnny Carson. Yeah, I would say I would also say I did like that when Kobe Bryant was 38 and his legs did change. I like that he just was like, I'm not going to be that guy. I'm not going to go to another team. So I thought he had a decent one, too.

I'll tell you a bad one. Brett Favre going to the Jets, going to Minnesota. Your last memory of him just laying there on the carpet i just it was almost like a spatula trying to get the fucking burnt egg up i used to do a bit about it i thought i got left behind you know when jesus comes back and there's just a pile of clothes where your friend was that's what brett farve looked like on that fucking field that was a bad one that was a bad one then they but a bad one can become so fucking crazy that it actually becomes a good one like ricky henderson that he like went all the way

down to playing with the newark bears and he just kept playing or yarmir yager the guy just keeps playing and he keeps putting the puck in the net though he doesn't put it in like 50 a year like 60 a year the way he used to but no bartnick said he was still doing it in russia i think he's like playing in russia as like a 50 something year old it's unreal i think he's up almost 50 i just love the whole idea of it's just like like when the press gets on you it's just like guys i play professional sports for money. They're still giving me money to play professional sports. Why would I leave? I get it both sides. I think you do one or the other.

They either drag you out kicking or screaming, or you leave with like you're retiring, but you could still be one of the best guys in the league. Then you got Tom Brady, Paul. You got Tom Brady who inexplicably continues to perform at this level paul it's i can't i can't fuck him he may get another one in in tampa this year i hope so years ago somebody wrote into the podcast the monday morning podcast and they were trashing uh all the old rock stars and like paul mccartney for putting out another album. And I think he had just been on SNL and bill,

your reply was how ridiculous that was because you're like, this guy's been doing his whole life and he's still doing it, you know, at a top level. It's just like, like, how do you tell somebody to stop doing what they love? Like, like what, like, you know, like how the audacity to expect somebody to stop. They don't understand it because like they fucking hate their own job. Yeah. Where it's just like, no, like this is what I do.

I write songs. I'm a songwriter. I still love it the way I did when I was a kid. When you stop is this is this is a very easy thing for me. When you stop is when you're not doing it to the level that you were able to do it. So if you're an athlete and you just can't run as fast anymore, it's, you got to go. All right. Well, how do you tell that as a comedian?

You go to act out a bit and you just feel like you didn't put your heart in it. Like, what was that? The John Krupp or whatever. You hit that double or something. He slid into second. I just realized I didn't even give a shit i don't want to i'm out of here i don't want to do this anymore um i think you'll know when you're sitting in a green room and you hear the buzz of the crowd sitting and getting excited and you're like i don't even fucking want to do this i just want to be home and you're like

i felt that for years no No, but I mean like, but you felt it that night. You felt it that night. I got two shows tonight. I don't want to do. I'm just, I get kids. I'm tired. I'll be fine once I'm there,

but I'm just like, oh God, I don't want to fucking do this. Is there anything better than when you do? We got to do it. We got to have anything better. And guys, please send your anything better. Is there anything worse? Is there anything better than your kids going, daddy, are you going to

work tonight? And you go, no. And they jump up and cheer and hug you. I mean, it's, it's the fucking best, you know? My daughter said that to me last night when I went out, she came in and she hugged me. She goes, I hate when you go to work. Oof. Yeah, it's, that's when I just pull out cash. But you don't hate this. Go get yourself some shoes. Go get yourself a couple pairs of shoes. I put her to bed. I told her a couple of stories or whatever

and told her that I could go swimming with her today. So that's what I'm going to do. So dude, listen, I'm on stage last night at the Zanies. And there was a Zanies. There was a monsoon storm that was so crazy. I'm not kidding. It was lightning and thundering. And it was the monsoon rain was hitting the roof of the building so hard that the entire audience is just like it was almost like everybody was like taking cover. And they had to put my mic up because they said that people in the balcony could not hear and i'm just going like and they're just like

looking i'm going are you guys acting and then the thunder started to radiate through the speakers so as i'm talking it was just going like dude it was like boom boom boom it was and i'm just going like and they're just gonna then this lady goes it's the south baby just what and i'm like they were just acting it was the weirdest fucking night the crowd was weird they were comfortable with it they were comfortable with it dude but the storm was really fucking weird and then um you know what i i gotta save that story for uh i gotta sit here i gotta i gotta look i looked it up what a monsoon. A monsoon is a seasonal change in the direction of the prevailing or strongest winds of the region. Meaning, I guess, if it usually travels west to east, it goes east to west or some other way. Monsoons cause wet and dry seasons throughout much of the tropics.

Monsoons are often associated with the Indian Oceans. Monsoons always blow from cold to warm regions now you figured all of that out paul from stage are you using monsoons figuratively i'm using my soon here but i've kind of got into weather over the years what exactly is a monsoon i don't know all all i know is the winds were nuts. The rain was nuts. And it was literally just hitting that fucking building so hard. And the thunder and lightning, the lightning would make the room even flash. Monsoon is a scarier word to me than a hurricane. Because I've experienced a hurricane. It's the unknown of a monsoon. The only one that really fucks with me. Lions and tigers running for fucking cover the only one that scares the fuck out of me is tsunami that's the one that i'm that's the that's the one that i

never anybody that has passed in that god rest their souls that's one of dude uh it is a hundred foot plus wave that goes 500 miles an hour it's probably one of the most insane forces of nature. And it is up on land and the ocean reaches up and grabs you and they never find you again. Dude, it's the whole room that you're in goes out to sea and nobody sees any of that memorabilia again. Dude, like houses and hotels floating with cars floating, dude. And what sucks is you see people running and it's like the thing's going, it's brutal. It's absolutely one of the most horrifying. I mean, what's more horrifying than a tsunami? Fire. I don't know, dude. Would you rather burn to death than get brought out to sea?

Yeah, no, that's a good point. I guess there know, dude. Would you rather burn to death than get brought out to sea? Yeah, no, that's a good point. I guess there's no pain. I gotta tell you something. The loneliness of being out in the ocean, at least if I'm on fire on land screaming, people are like, oh my God, get some water. I could hear somebody caring. That's the thing about the sea,

is the loneliness of just dying way the i would rather even if you die alone in the woods you can hear birds chirping there's something but if you're just out there dude floating out there like the stories of people that survived that are like guy was out there 38 hours in the middle of the ocean sharks like sharks he sees them and stuff and like lived it's it's really horrifying can you imagine the nightmares you have after that i mean i just can't you be sleeping next to the person you're right now uh speaking of that right now long island i think i don't know if they're migrating from cape cod but cape cod and long island right now are people can't go into water.

They're infested with sharks are there and they see them. And somebody, a lifeguard got bit in shallow water on the leg and it's it's fucked up. So, you know, what are you going to do? I mean, I love a nice fucking. I mean, I love a little fucking. All the sharks in the world are in the ocean, except for the ones at SeaWorld. But other than that. I got to be honest, though, man, going for a dip in the ocean is a nice little feeling, man. Paul, if you ever get eaten by a shark, as sad as I will be, I will not feel bad. You will feel horrible.

Stop it. What the fuck are you doing, Paul? Can I ask you a question, Paul? stop it you would be doing paul can i ask you a question paul if there was like say an alligator maybe about like about this long right can't do it like this big in a fucking pool would you go in it no would you go in a lake where you knew there was alligators no right but you're talking about the ocean. Bill, the ocean is fucking like 80% of earth. It's huge, dude. I know. But dude, they're not all out in the middle of the ocean hanging out. They're all on the coast where all the fucking

fish are eating and all of that shit. I used to do a bit about that. 90% of, you know, shark attacks on people. It happens in the shallow water. It's like, no shit. That's where the people are. Shark attacks on people, it happens in the shallow water. It's like, no shit, that's where the people are. Dude, the second you go into the ocean, you are on the menu. There is nothing that I do where I risk getting eaten alive. Andrew Themlis, I see your face. You're a Mediterranean kid.

You love, I mean, you must love- Mediterranean, those lying cocksuckers. They said there's no sharks in the Mediterranean. I said, all right, so I'm swimming in the Mediterranean. And then I go, let me double check this. I said there's no sharks in the Mediterranean. I said, all right, so I'm swimming in the Mediterranean. And they go, let me double check this. I go, there's shark attack, Mediterranean. See.

Hey, Caribbean. You could go to the Caribbean. And do what? And like, if you go to like Bahamas and shit, you're not going to get a shark in the Bahamas. See, Paul, this is why you're a comedian. No, no, you're not going to get like a great whites aren't aren't in like that area like you'll you'll see like it doesn't take

a great white how about a tiger how about a hammerhead how about a bull shark yeah like you know those shark a sand shark will fuck you up i guess but dude i'm scared of the great whites man you know the great white is what scares white is where it's at one bite you're dead those other little bastards fucking all fucking nipping at you and shit and you're like ah great white what about that that's like oh my god mike tyson's gonna punch me i'm not gonna feel it dude that girl got her arm bitten off and then went back surfing tiger shark was that a tiger shark yeah dude you understand those things are like 15 18 feet fucking long do you understand

how long that is paul what's the what's the real difference between a great white and a tiger It's like a 59 Cadillac just coming up to you and biting your fucking arm off. Then you got, I'll tell you, I'm going right back out there again. She's a hero. How funny would it be watching Burr at the beach? Five minutes, you go, all right, man, I'm hot. Let's go. You are not a beach dude at all. At all. No know i like going to

the beach during the winter yeah it's cold out and i get to see the waves and i see a seal and then i just stand there going all right let's see if this thing gets eaten by something there's a seal there's got to be a shark close by oh well you know what when your kids go daddy we're going to the beach let's go get buckets and shovels. We're going to make sandcastles. I'll do that. I'll slather on the fucking SPF 2000. I'll do that.

And I make sure that I don't go in the fucking water. You're not going in the water. Get out of the water. I'm like Brody. Pistols shooting at a school of fish. You know that guy hit on my mother? Rest his soul. Roy Schreider.

My mother worked in like a Macy's or Bloomingdale's when she was like in her like 20, 20 something. And she was working like the makeup department or something as a kid. And Roy Schreider came in and was like, you know, talking to her like, oh, you're pretty. I like, you know, like hitting on her and stuff. What are you going to do? Another one. Here's a great story. My grandfather, Constantine Gus, my Greek grandfather, he owned the cafe, the coffee shop in the Ed Sullivan Theater that was in it.

And Carol Burnett taped there. And Carol Burnett used to come in and hit on my grandfather, loved my grandfather. And that fucking restaurant would still be in our family if fucking stupid people weren't stealing from it. That's why when you go into the restaurant business, man, it has to be either all family or people you trust. But him and his partner owned the coffee shop in the Ed Sullivan Theater. So everybody going in and out of there would come in there, get coffee from my grandfather and his partner. And Carol Burnett used to come in there and hit on him and stuff like that. And he's the one who had the Chevy Impala. And the first week he had the Chevy Impala, my grandfather, middle of the night, the headlights go on, it leaves the thing. And my mother and aunt run

into their bedroom and go, Mom, where going and he just sat up and uh and they he fucking got his impalas uh it was the impala i was it was either a 67 or a 69 something something like that dude that car is one of the best looking cars from the early 60s right through like that whole decade i would take any year of the Impala. Impala's a gorgeous car. And that Lincoln that you showed me is fucking gangster, dude. Yeah, that 60 to 68. That one?

Yeah, I mean, that thing is. You had an entourage. Dude, I'll tell you, a late 40s Cadillac. I told you I had the idea, man. I was going to buy an old fucking limousine from the 40s, have it redone and have the underneath be like fucking 2021, like a restomod, and then just have a driver. I mean, it's just a complete fucking... You know we should do it. But just have a fucking driver. I'd never have to deal with LA traffic again or finding a parking spot

and just have that dude on call when i wanted to go out to do spots there's a couple of restaurants that i like to go to my neighborhood they never have parking could your guy could just take you he's you're ready to go you sit in the back you read the paper get smoking the damn thing i'd love it you know what we should do you me and maybe maybe a couple other people that we love maybe we go in with some of our siblings we should fucking buy i was thinking about this we should buy a fucking dope no i'm serious we should buy a dope yacht like a dope yacht and have it in monaco this show should be called how to go broke okay and what do we do with this yacht we keep it in monaco

we keep it yeah i'm sure that doesn't cost any money. And then we fucking... Dude, it's like fucking 10 grand a day to dock there or something stupid like that. Keep it in Monaco? We'll figure it out. I'm just saying, we'll rent one. We should do something with the yacht, though, man. I'll let down. We'll rent one.

Rent one. Why don't we go to Lake Winnipesaukee and get a paddle boat? And make some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and fucking come back down to earth here? Dude, the older I'm getting, I'm into seafood and fucking water now. Boats, oceans. The whole thing. I just want the whole thing. I just want to be by the water.

I want to fucking go. Dude, I want to go fishing. Would you go fishing? I don't like fishing. No. I don't like killing animals. I'll fucking eat them. They're already dead. They already killed a bunch. They're at the fucking store. I don't like fishing. No. I don't like killing animals. I'll fucking eat them. They're already dead.

They already killed a bunch. They're at the fucking store. I don't need to go out and kill extra animals. Well, all right. Well, the guys, I guess. I went fishing when I was in Iceland. There's always that point where you, when you go on a fishing trip, where it's just like we just stop now i have enough to eat yeah native american here

and just take what we need rather than just trying to outdo us do each other who had the biggest one uh who gives a this is gonna be the freshest fish you ever ate Who gives a fuck? This is going to be the freshest fish you ever ate. I went bow fishing in fucking New Orleans. I ended up shooting an alligator gar, which looks like a fucking platypus fucked an alligator. Thing is vicious looking.

What did you do? You ate it? No, I shot through the back. And I thought we were going to be eating them. And they fucking threw the thing back. Shot? And I was, yeah, like right through its back. And they were like i thought we were gonna be eating them and they threw the thing back shot and i was yeah like right through its back and they were like nah it'll be fine it's like it's whole intestines are there so then i read up on the thing it'll be fine so i read up on the thing and i found out it's a really despite the way it looks it's a really shy fish and all that and i just felt

fucking horrible it's like when you shot that bird with the bb gun i don't have it in me dude like the level hungry that i would have to be to go out and kill an animal like i eat animals i'm a hypocrite but you're talking two different things here because i i shot a blue jay with my pellet gun went and i started crying and i never fucking touched an animal again okay so i i agree with that but fishing is different because you could let the fish back if you do it for sport if you just go out there and have a couple would you do that paul you want somebody to yank you into the ocean buy a hook take it out and throw you back on the land what's what's the rest of your day looking like paul i mean it's it's a it's alive it's alive. It's alive.

I didn't kill it. You know what I mean? Just put a little hoop fucking ring in there, and now you got a little edge to you. He goes swimming in the fucking, he cleans out, it's fine. No, no, no. You don't know anything about fish, okay? You don't know anything about fish,

and you're fucking making the excuses because you're a guy who's at a certain means, you're starting to sell tickets. Okay, so what if I eat the fish? Is that is that okay yeah that's what i've been saying like i'll i'll fish enough for i i mean how many do you need you don't eat a whole fish when you have a fucking fish filet right i catch one fish i'm done all right hey i got lunch you sit there coming home with a whole bag trying to get approval from whoever i'm living with oh no with i got can't eat all of that how big you think the freezer is you know it's like i just fucking throw them out what's fucked up is the bass masters when they do it on espn and he wins he goes oh he was screaming in the fish's face he was going oh because he like won the whole thing

the fish is just flopping around the fish is just flopping around. The fish is just flopping around. It's fucking nuts. You know what it is? You got to step back from it and just really look at what you're doing. Well, listen, we will wrap this up now because it is Sunday. I want to apologize for the late release of this. I'm going to still look and see if I can find the other one, but it's my fault. Well, I'm going to tell you something, dude. can find the other one, but it's my fault. Well, I'll tell you something, dude.

The oceans are so goddamn fished out right now. The fact that you're going in there, like the level that you're on the menu, like you moved up from appetizer. You're like, what are they on the Italian menu? You have the secondary. You're like a pasta at this point. Old pasta Paul going in there.

Hammerheads looking him out. Look at that guy. Hasn't been going to the gym. He's a little marbled. I'll take a in there. Hammerheads looking him out. Look at that guy. Hasn't been going to the gym. He's a little marbled. I'll take a bite out of that. See what happens. What? He's fine.

He's alive. Go back up to the beach. I just wanted a taste. I want to get a cooler of beers, a cooler of drinks, sandwiches, go on a boat, go out like four hours and just fucking go chill out, go deep sea fishing, see if we could get something like bring it back like a salmon or tuna that we could cut up, freeze and eat over time. Be a lot of fun.

Four hours out? Fuck that. Hammered it'd be fun. Hammered? That's a great thing to do paul leave the site of land and get shit-faced on a boat what could happen there's no examples of that i'll fucking put a life vest on and i'll be floating around hammered till somebody comes to save me i remember somebody went on a fucking cruise and the guy was one of the lower lower rent ones so the captain actually talked to you he goes i'm gonna let you guys know something right here and now if you fall overboard we have had a 0.0 success rate of rescuing somebody day or night

dude when you fall overboard in one of those boats, the amount of time it takes them to slow down, the first thing they do is they take a life preserver, they throw it out one side, they throw it on the other. It lights up. And then they go over the horizon. Okay? And then they come back and they drive through the middle of it. They cut the engine and they got to call out for your dumb ass. That's horrifying. Fucking horrifying. And not to mention the water is like fucking 45, 50 degrees. And it's, I was on, I sailed from Venice, Italy to New York. Hypothermia is the least of your fucking problems at that point. No, but what it's going to do is the hypothermia is going to make your, they said after three minutes or four minutes, whatever it is, you're the muscles, you're so

cold that you can't even tread anymore. You're just done. Thank God. Thank God. Take me out that way. I do not want to get eaten alive. You're yelling, shoot me. Oh yeah, absolutely. But I was doing this. I'm going to do this bit about how if you're 50, you shouldn't be allowed on a ladder. If you're 50 or older, dude, that's to do this bit about how if you're 50, you shouldn't be allowed on a ladder. If you're 50 or older, dude. That's great. If you're 50 or older, you shouldn't be on a ladder. And I'm not riding a horse.

And I got to tell you something, dude. I lost my nerve for a lot of things. I lost my nerve for roller coasters. I lost my nerve for like any kind of like, like super heights or anything. Dude, the roller coasters are for young people with, with nice necks. Nice fucking, you know. Yeah. Everything's fucking where it should be.

Yeah. Yeah. Like I don't need to get into a four car accident just for fun. You know what I mean? No. Do you ever go on the Cyclone in Coney Island? No. Maybe a long.

I felt like I, I got jumped. There was no padding left in the seat. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, I felt like I got jumped. There was no padding left in the seat. Yeah. Yeah. I felt like I played like tackle football. I got off the fucking thing. I was like, ah, my fucking. No, those old wooden ones are fucking really not good.

I was in a couple of car wrecks. I have bulging disc in my neck. I had a herniated disc. My neck is all fucked up. I got a tear. I'm fucked up, but I'm not. This is shit for young people. Running, carnival rides.

But you look at the old people. No, the old people are not going on rides. We're just wandering around the park, eating fucking the food. Yeah. Trying to win a stuffed animal. All the young people are getting on this shit. Is there anything better than embracing age

and being smart about it? Right? Nothing. Nothing. Is there nothing better than knowing you're the old guy and leaving the young people alone to have their fucking fun and start asking them what bands they're listening to. Oh, nothing, nothing. Is there anything better than saying, you know, you guys go ahead. I'll be here waiting. Yeah. Have fun. Go have fun. I'll tell you a good one though. I told you this. I texted you this. Here's a great, anything better. I took a shower. I get out of the shower, a fresh pair of socks straight out of the pack

into a brand new pair of kicks, dude. It was fucking unbelievable. The clothes straight buck. fucking unbelievable. Straight buck. It was just a buck, a buck Pauly in his fucking AF ones. All right, guys, thank you so much. I'm sorry that this one was late. Episode 26. Please check out anything better. All the episodes, subscribe, rate, all that stuff. Check out the VersiEffect podcast. Thank you for the people that jumped onto the Verzi Effect podcast. Check out the Monday morning podcast. This weekend, I will be in Omaha, Nebraska at the Funny Bone, August 6th and 7th. And then where else? Then where else? Then you could check me out at Wise Guys Comedy Club in Salt Lake City, Utah, September

3rd and 4th. I have a bunch of dates in between there. Might be slipping my mind right now. Guys, tickets to the Wilbur Theater are being sold right now. I'm doing the Wilbur Theater, October 22nd. Please buy those tickets. And I am shooting my second special this September 18th, Levity Live, directed by Pete Davidson, produced by All Things Comedy. We're running it back. I'm excited. September 18th, Saturday night, two shows, get tickets, and there's a ton more dates on paulverzi.com.

I'm taking a nap. Coming up. No. I got the Wilbur theater, August 11th doing the Wayne Previty, uh, memorial slash standup reunion of my generation of comics from Boston. Um, and then, uh, I got Foxwoods. I got a bunch of other shit that I mentioned. I haven't added any more dates since the last time people watch this.

It's all up on billbird.com. If you click on the tour dates, please come out to see me. And, uh, And that's it. Paul, call me after this. And it's sold out because you are fucking coming out with a vengeance. No, it's because I'm a cis white male and all the doors just open for me. That's what it is, Paul. Don't be toxic on here.

It has nothing to do with your decades of hard work, Bill. Nothing. All you have to do is wait for a bald orange man that fell off the ugly truck the fucking we will uh we this this will be out real soon uh thank you guys so much uh till next time we are out of here Thank you. you you