Anything Better? - The Cowboy Guy

Episode Date: January 22, 2022

Bill & Paul talk about dropping pants, Italians, and canyon hallucinations.

what's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast with your host paul bursey bill burr and uh the greek freak is back he's back from his vacation somewhere who knows where he was could have been who would think if you live in Beverly Hills, you got to take a vacation. I mean, your life is a vacation. I mean, the guy sitting next to a hot tub, the Greek freak, Andrew Themlis. Alan Aldiss, his next door neighbor, old Hollywood money. You guys are listening to episode number 49. We are approaching a year doing anything better. It's been amazing. And if you've enjoyed anything better, please spread the word to your friends, to your family, to whoever, to your enemies.

Make them watch it if you hate it. Either way, okay? We appreciate it. Rate, review. Get it where you get all your podcasts. I don't know why I'm doing this like I'm in a Broadway play. Get it where you get all your podcasts, iTunes, Spotify. Get it where you get all your podcasts, iTunes, Spotify.

And we are at number 49, which Bill Burr just reminded me. I forgot the New York Yankee Gator, Louisiana Lightning, Ron Guidry. Who else we got, Bill? Tim Wakefield, who a lot of Yankee fans liked up until 2003. Who else do we got? We like crazy like old pictures and stuff on this one and of course it all fucking goes away because my internet sucked charlie ho or charlie how to a couple of football players my internet just sucks it sucks paul it isn't. Ranker.com. Okay, here we go. Bobby Mitchell.

Lee Smith. Chris Sale. Chris Sale is 49. All right. Yep. He was 49 for the Red Sox. Jake Arrieta. There's not a lot of 49s.

Ron Guidry. They put him at number seven. Those other guys I never even heard of. Jamie Moyer. Hoyt Wilhelm. 1952 to 1972 hoyt wilhelm was a was a baltimore don't tell me i think i remember this he was a baltimore oriole who threw a knuckleball he played for the new york baseball giants the st louis Cardinals, the Cleveland Indians, the Baltimore Orioles. And he was an old knuckleball. The Chicago White Sox.

What's that white noise? Oh, that's my computer doing something. Okay, it's getting the air or some shit. Anyways, how do I make it stop? You can plug it in, Bill. Sometimes that takes the pressure off the battery. Oh, is that what I need to do i make it plug it in bill sometimes that takes the pressure off the battery oh is that what i need to do i don't know i don't know either okay let the midnight special i'm always ending up on the floor on this fucking show you know at some point i'm gonna buy an extension cord

this is how much i hate shopping uh all right has the noise stopped no it's all right it'll go down we'll just everybody just act like bill is in my, oh, oh, there it is. Gone. Not still there. No. I hear it. Okay. So I got, I got a good one for you. I'm in the house alone.

Okay. With Stacy. And, you know. Nobody's listening. They're all saying, making jokes about the thing next to me right now. Thinking they're all clever that they noticed it. Oh, so anyway. anyway so stays you know i was on the road thank everybody man who came out to the punchline in atlanta i had a great time went to the falcon

saints game great stadium right and i haven't seen my wife so my wife says to me you know you've been home you haven't been spending any time so i said all, all right. So I took that. I took that as a cue, you know? So the kids are at school. Stacey runs upstairs. Dude, this is hilarious. Stacey runs upstairs. She looks cute. You know, she's wearing the young boots. I bought her the pajama bottoms. I go, Oh, you like what you like, what Paul, he got you for Christmas. I'm fucking around. Right. Joking. So I'm in the thing and she goes, I'm taking you to dinner tonight. Let's get get a babysitter me and you would go to dinner she's like all right this and that and i go you getting on a call she goes yeah i gotta get on a call and she runs in the kitchen i run in the hallway i go you sure and she goes yeah and dude i got fucking and in my wife's

defense she did have a call i throw my pants down to my ankles and my shirt up and I'm just standing in the hallway, dick out. And I go, babe, get in here. And she goes, she goes, what? And I go, come here real quick. And she goes, Paul, I go, no, just come here. I want to talk to you. You know, she comes in. She just, she just walks in and I'm standing there and she just goes, you're an idiot, and just leaves. Yeah, I mean, that all tracks. My wife would have laughed at me.

My wife would have gone, ah, and just left. Stacey did that and laughed and then said idiot and went downstairs, and I was just, you know, I did one of those, you know, real quick, you know, come up here, like in a fun, friendly, get up here, I'll come and show you something. Took a shot, Paul. Hey, listen, Michael Jordan, you know, come up here, like in a fun friendly, get up here. I'll go show you. Took a shot. Listen, Michael Jordan, you miss a hundred percent of the shots. You don't take.

I like how you thought she was talking in code. Oh, you got a call. Oh, in the kitchen, switching it up. I like it. Sometimes, you know, married guys guys know though there's a time where it's just you and your wife in the house and you gotta you gotta take a little shot man you gotta fuck you know you gotta shoot it through hey bill every once in a while you gotta pull up from half court near the end of the buzzer that's what i would go more with your football analogy will you air it out. Just go long?

You know, I bet I could sit in a chair. I could probably do that. I think there's enough room here. Fucking piece of shit. Let the Monday night special shine a light on me. Let the Monday night special shine a light on me. Let the Monday night special. So this up here is a map somebody got me that you scribble out all the places that you went to.

Oh, that's awesome. If you use it. I did it one time. I've been in too many places. I don't want to do it. I'll do one time. I've been in too many places. I don't want to do, I'm going to, I got to, I'll do it eventually. I was trying to think of how many states I have not been in the U S here's what I got so far. I have not been to Montana, Wyoming, North Dakota, South Dakota.

And I think, I think that might be North Dakota, South Dakota, Wyoming, Montana. I think there's I think there's four I haven't been. How about you? You been to all those? I've been to everything. All right. I've been to every fucking Canada province except for like the Yukon territories,

Northwest Territory, everything down south. I think from Halifax all the way out to fucking british columbia even that island victoria i have not been to alaska i was with you and you actually opening for you in that canada run from monk we skipped we skipped uh saskatchewan and manitoba okay all i know is we had carrot cake in moncton and i was shitting my pants on the plane to victoria when we were in that propeller plane and it was the last one and it was going like this and bill's fucking doing the air drums and i'm shitting my pants going not the

last one not in my mind not the last one dude i was away for 20 that we did 22 shows in 20 days we skated the oval in nova scotia we skated the river in ottawa that that thing where you pull up i remember dude play pick up hockey on a flooded basketball court yep and then on a public rink i blocked that shot in moncton to start and in my whole three, three toes were different colored purple. And I just talked to Bruce, uh, Bruce Hills and I go, Bruce, you realize what you did for me when you made me put a helmet on in, uh, in, uh, in Montreal, he goes, yeah, that would have been bad. I go, dude, I was all over the place. And he's such a nice guy. He goes, you did great. Here's what I do. Yeah. I'm such a stupid offensive player. Yeah. I got a note. I got a nose for the net with no skills. One guy didn't

one guy play pro dude. You, and by the way, Bill Burr, as much as I love, as much as I love. Yeah. Stephon Richer was playing that day. Yeah, dude. As much as I love and trust Bill Burr. And I do genuinely love and trust you. I knew something was fucked up that day. Cause you're going, you were going, no, I do. We're just going to, and it was probably your way to have me just get it. You go, no, we're just going to skate around. Next thing you know, we go, they go, that's your locker room. And we fucking go into a locker room and men strangers are fucking getting dressed and i'm like yo bill dude is this like i can't really bruce hills comes in full fucking pants and my wife and son are in the bleachers and i'm going dude this doesn't seem like uh this doesn't seem you were you were the guy going the hardest everyone else was just skating around

having a good time you're getting a full head of steam and just crashing the net. I remember sitting on our bench and there's some big dude on our team and they just go, yeah, dude, that guy plays like pro. And I'm like, what the fuck? Oh no. There was one guy on there that was going up and down with Montreal was playing for him and then sent back down, playing for him and sent back down. I think that was the one that, uh Stefan Richer organized it yeah that was uh Montreal Canadian number 44 you were good man like I remember being like you were like in a

legit ice hockey game doing good and I was just like these guys got balls, dude. That game is dangerous as shit. At least for me it was. Yeah, no pads flying down the ice. Thank God you put the helmet on. It's a great old man sport. If everybody's out there playing like an old man, you can have fun. Shooting around, just fucking around, just having fun. There's always a couple people. You try to stay out.

I always like play defense, man, because I try to stay out of the front of the net, the scrums and all that shit. Some your leg blow out your ACL in a pickup game I mean that's got to be the I mean that's why I never I never with hoop after a few you know after a certain age because every guy I knew if you keep playing hoop it's the Achilles Achilles just goes right up the back of your leg. You running in your fucking over 40 league out there trying to stay in shape rather than reading up on nutrition. I should talk, but you said you said something, too, about skating, which was true, because when I took my little girl that you said, like the core, your core gets like more firm and it's good for your core. And I remember I remember thinking, like, how can you get a workout when you're gliding? And I didn't realize, like with the balance on the skates,

what you're doing with the torso was awesome. Well, do you know that drillage you do in basketball with suicides? Yeah. They'd have you run to the foul line, back to the baseline, half court, back. Yeah, that's what a shift in hockey is. Flying down the ice, turn over, stop, go down the other end, turn over, go flying down the ice, turnover, stop, go down the other end, turnover,

go back down the other end. That's why people don't play hockey. Don't understand why there's two intermissions. It's like, well, go out and go play hockey. And you'll understand why, because if you ever play pickup hockey and there's only like only one guy

available for substitute and you're playing like four on four, dude, you are fucking wheezing out there. Like you'll, you're playing like four on four dude you are fucking wheezing out there like you'll you'll be like pouring sweat like you never sweated in your life if there's not enough guys the worst weeks is when there's too many fucking guys and everybody wants to get on and you switch off with that cunt who then stays out for five minutes and he only gives you like two yeah the worst um reality, it's probably 30 seconds versus three minutes. It's paint your life, everybody. Hey, we are back making memories in a new world.

I found the best way to hold on to those memories is by turning them into that lasting forever from paint. I'm sorry, that lasts forever from paintyourlife.com. Now that we can get out and travel and take vacations, we want to celebrate some of our favorite times by turning our memories into art. I got one of these things. They're pretty cool too. When you heard about paintyourlife.com, I thought, what a great idea for a gift for birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, et cetera. But I figured it must be expensive. Not so. Guess what, Bill? It's not expensive. It's affordable. I love that little shrug of the shoulder you did. You're like, I thought it must be expensive. That was a wonderful little piece of acting there, Paul. It was an instinct.

You're a natural. Hey, directors, take notice. Talk conversationally about how paintings are truly affordable and quality is amazing. Or combine photos of people or places you love into one painting. Choose from a team of world-class artists and work with them until every detail is perfect. Send any picture of yourself, your children, your family, a special place, someone loved who isn't around anymore, a cherished pet, even an action shot of you or your children playing your favorite sport. At paintyourlife.com, there's no risk. If you don't love the final painting, your money is refunded, guaranteed.

Okay. And right now as a limited time offer, get 20% BETTER, okay, B-E-T-T-E-R, to 64000. So 64-000, that's BETTER to 64000. Text BETTER, 64000, paint your life, celebrate moments that matter most. paint your life celebrate moments that matter most uh terms apply available paint your life.com again text better to 64 000 that reminds me of who do you play for that scene in miracle where kurt russell made him do and they said that that was her her brooks did that and they were going dude you can't do this and And he said he was running them. And they said the guy's like turning the lights off and shit. And he's going, who do you play for? And the kid's like, Charles Smith, University of Minnesota.

Again. And they just fucking go up and down. Who do you play for? And he's like, you know, he said his name, Boston University. Again. And they're just going. And finally at the end, they're dying. The kids are puking.

One kid, and they're like, dude, you can't do this and he just goes who did the kid just interrupted he goes says his name and he goes united states of america and he goes that'll be all and he oh i got the chills bill oh i got the chills i'll tell you something right now i'm not even a hockey guy and that movie to me and, and, and Kurt Russell and the whole thing, dude, what Lake Placid dude, that was for me, Al Michaels voice, dude, shit like that is I live for shit like that. That is a big trivia. Who do we beat for the gold medal? I want to say Finland. Yeah. Most people forget.

People think we beat the Russians. Yeah, no people. And yeah, people fucking will never not talk about 18 year old kids beating that fucking team, which was apparently a machine. I didn't, obviously don't know I was two years old. They were like pros. They just didn't have a pro pro hockey league over there. So they, they, they were allowed to compete. That was, that was their Gretzky's, their Ovechkins. Yeah.

Who, by the way, Bartnick was saying, you know, Ovechkin's going to break Wayne Gretzky's record for most goals all time in a career, which is insane, because that just seemed like it was completely untouchable. Yeah. And especially now with, like, you know, people just don't score goals the way they used to. It's not the way it used to be.

And they're saying that they're not really covering it that much because he's Russian. That's what he was saying. The Canadians don't want to see, they don't want to see a non-Canadian having that, that record. Yeah. Cause it was Gordie Howell before him. I don't know who it was before that, but I think the canadian-born hockey player has owned that that record for the better part of a century i mean you're going back canadians are the human form of passive aggressive i swear listen i shouldn't talk my buddy gave me this hat he's from canada shout out to josh williams the one man podcast but dude i swear to god they come across as hey good dude they I even said that to one of them once. I go, you guys, my Sicilian antennas were going up. Oh yeah. No, no, no.

Big time. Big time. Something's off here, dude. Something's I go, you guys talk a lot of shit. He goes, he just goes, Oh yeah, we do. That whole, all you have to do is look at the game that they came up with. That game is for savages. Yeah. And look at the people that play. And, like, the animals that have come out of fucking Canada.

Some of the toughest people you're ever going to meet in your life. And then, yeah, that Michael Moore. Oh, gee, they're just up there, you know, tapping trees for syrup. And you can leave your car door unlocked. And hooky-dooky- door unlocked and it's like, nah, that's not Canada, buddy. No, it's not. Um, that's, that's his dumb ass Detroit fat ass going up there. Bill, this is a good one for you. Cause you're not, I don't think many people are better at this than you. Cause you have that weird memory with sports. Is there anything better? This is perfect for the show.

We probably could have talked about it on our NFL preview, but is there anything better than a sports performance that just gets you? And you know I mentioned it. Everybody's heard me say a million times of Vince Young in 05. I got to tell you something, dude. Justin Herbert against the Raiders. It is a fucking sin that that kid lost that game. He went forward on fourth down seven times, got it.

Six. One was a fourth and 21 that he threw for a touchdown. The first down would have been on the one yard line through a fucking 21 yard dart. He throws three fourth and tens. He goes down like two point convert dude i gotta be honest with you that kid for me it was one of those performances where i was just like yeah no he was amazing he was amazing but i will tell you going for it in the third quarter on your own fucking 18 yard line on the fourth and fourth down it's just fucking stupid yeah how about you though what's the best performance not live

what's like the best thing you were either watching on tv or you were just like dude this is i can't like what i'm watching is is something else um that dominique versus larry bird game where they just were just scoring it was like it was the it's like they were playing each other and the other people just out there running around next to him i remember how yeah that john madden one reminded me that that lawrence taylor game was against the lions i forget what was where he picked the ball off and ran it back just like yeah he was so fucking dominant that game. I remember that. And then I also remember, you know, Wayne Gretzky that year when he had like 96 goals or something.

The guy would have like five. He would have like, dude, there was a year that that guy played where he scored a point in like the first like 40-something games was like a joe dimaggio streak it was insane he scored like 50 goals in like 35 or 36 games i mean he was just doing stuff that was like that you did it like a high school level and you're looking at the kid like, oh, this kid's going pro. He was doing that against the pros. Yeah. But I'll tell you who shut all that down was Patrick Waugh. Patrick Waugh's style of play.

Dude, they were stand-up goalies, if you can believe that. They would just stand up and kick their leg out. He came down. He introduced the butterfly. The pads got bigger and all of that of course the awful clutch and grab time but uh but like just the the goaltender when i was young was the fat kid the most unathletic person they would pretty much put in net because you couldn't skate but you

wanted to play hockey all right well skate out to the net and get in front of this fucking object that's flying at you and patrick waugh was the guy probably wasn't the first but he was the guy the first superstar goaltender i feel that um made because they were superstar goaltenders. I love Jerry Chivas with the scars on his mask and all that shit. It was cool. And, you know, definitely guys like Ron Hextall, the personalities, the Billy Smiths, but nobody really wanted to play goalie. You'd rather be Mike Bossy than Billy Smith.

You know, you'd rather be Mike Bossy than Billy Smith. You'd rather be whatever. What the fuck's his name there for the Flyers? I guess they didn't play during the same time. You want to be the guy scoring the fucking goals or even the enforcer. No one wanted to be the goaltender. I feel like Patrick Waugh came in and then all of a sudden kids wanted to be goaltenders and just be lights out and shutting people out. then uh and then there was just this incredible 15-year period that i would say started with him and maybe ended with a guy like dominic hasik or whatever just sort of solidified the position where now it was finally and i remember reading in sports illustrated where like parents were just like man i mean hockey expensive enough, but when your kid wants to be a goalie from the time he's like four,

like buying all those pads as the kid is growing, I mean, you're going to have to put a second one in the house. Who was that nasty guy on the Devils? I saw him towards the end of his career. He had a shutout. He had no goals. It's nasty. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Brodeur? Martin Brodeur? Yeah, Martin Brodeur. Dude, that kid. I have a little asterisk next to that guy because he played during the fucking clutch and grab era and stuff when guys were like, when like goal scorers were like threatening to stop playing. Dude, you go on the blue line, the guy could just grab your fucking jersey and it was fine. They just slowed all of those guys down.

They just slowed all of those guys down. And, you know, that was also when the goalie could just skate out and just stop the puck and fucking ice the thing. Everybody started playing the trap or the left-wing lock, and, like, hockey was in a real, real – this was before they got rid of the red line. And it just – because everyone was playing the trap and the lock, it just became dump and chase. They would skate it out to like the red line.

They dump it into the zone. And then they would chase it in. And the goaltender would just skate out of the crease, stop it, flick it down to the other end of the ice. And it was boring as hell. And that's the only thing. Like I'm not going to say that he wasn't one of the greatest of all time. He absolutely was.

But I would have loved to seen how he did in like the eighties or post when they got rid of the red line and they opened the game back up again. Yeah. Um, that's, that's fucking cool, man. Like I, I didn't see all that stuff and I don't know it. Like, I don't know hockey like you like that, but when you see performances like that, like the LT thing, I feel bad to say this rest his soul, the will Chamberlain a hundred points. know hockey like you like that but when you see performances like that like the lt thing i feel bad to say this rest his soul the will chamberlain 100 points i never hear anybody talk about i never

hear anybody say i i've always heard this yeah he scored 100 points in a game but nobody was like oh my god shit was fucking he dominated and i don't think they only won by like four. It just seemed like he was hogging the ball. And it was also like in the 23 skidoo years of the league. You know what I mean? Where it's just like, all right, let's have a nine foot black guy go out there and play a bunch of white guys. I'm surprised he didn't score 200 points. They had to make dunking illegal.

The white guys were like, It was like the YMCA. It was just going, I mean, I wasn't that bad because there was a lot of amazing players back then, but I'm just saying like, I think because there's no video footage of it and also because the NBA was so young. Yeah. Like, you know, when, when,

when bill Russell was in the league in the beginning and they started winning championship, they would still in the off season, the league would make them go barnstorming and they would go down to the South to try to sell people on the pro league. And he would go down there and he'd have, there was like the colored entrance in the white person entrance. There's like a whole book on that. And like how Bob Cousy feels so bad. Cause he should have been like, well,

fuck that. I'm not eating. Bill can't walk in with me. You know, we're not eating here or whatever. But like when, when Will Chamberlain was scoring a hundred points in a fucking game, like that's how young that sports was.

And like racism, they probably didn't like the fact that this guy was coming in, dunking on all these white guys that they thought was good. And he put up a hundred points in a game. Having said that the fucking guy didn't pass. If you can get a box score, dude, that fucking game.

Do you remember? I said to you and Andrew, before I said, you probably didn't get a triple double. He just got a triple. Remember I said to you, one assist, no steals. I would, what I did to my wife, when I pull my pants down, I said, come here, do it. If I had a hundred points, I'd show up like that in the lobby of the hotel I was staying in.

Dude, I would fuck drinks on the fucking smoking sticks and that's when you could smoke a stick in the in the Andrew what year did he do that what year did did uh did uh I'm gonna say 63 or 64 I would go Chamberlain score 100 points on what team was it against dude that's hilarious his night that Gary Goldman joke No. It's one of my favorite jokes he ever did. What is it? What is it? He goes, this is my impression of the opposite team's coach at halftime. The night Chamberlain scored 100 points.

And he comes to the locker room. He goes, all right right who's got will the fuck are you doing out there whatever it's just that's perfect that's just oh god that's so great. We've got Will. March 2nd, 1962. Was it? Yeah, over the Knicks. Over the who? The Knicks. Of course.

Okay, why'd I ask? There was legit paint on your face. You went, the who? At the Garden. Was that at the Garden? Hershey Sports Arena in Hershey, Pennsylvania. All right. Hey, at least it wasn't under our roof. Jesus. the garden was that at the garden Hershey Sports Arena in Hershey Pennsylvania all right hey at least it wasn't under our roof Jesus oh yeah no that's uh yeah that's one of those things so they

had to make they had to make like dunking illegal there's like all of these people that say that if that was a white guy doing it that they wouldn't have made it illegal and and and all of this when was dunking illegal though it was illegal i i don't i'm not the biggest nba historian but it was like for four or five seasons you couldn't dunk until everybody got a guy that could dunk i i don't know i don't know what but what's fascinating to me is within 10 years of that you you have the ABA in the first dunking contest, where the ABA was the antithesis of that, where they were this startup league, and the white people that started that fucking thing were like,

all right, well, we can't compete with the NBA, so why don't we just not be racist assholes and let people who aren't white play the way that they can play so they let the whole playground art art artistry whatever they said like when i hear the old basketball players talking about it and said yeah they let us play that would be played on the playground now how amazing is that and how fucked up is racism that there was a time where there's, there's a whole group of people that were playing the game at a higher fucking level than the NBA,

but either weren't allowed in the league or weren't allowed to play that style of a game. But can you imagine if you're just driving down the street and you saw a bunch of people playing NFL football, playing football better than NFL players. I'm trying to wrap my brain around that. Dude. I got to be honest with you. If I wasn't, was that Andrew?

It was banned in the NCAA. I don't see anything that says it was banned. Oh, it was banned in the NCAA because of Kareem. Kareem. Yeah. Oh, I always thought it was, see, I told you my history in basketball. It wasn't with Will Chamberlain. It was never banned. No, I remember Lawhead, Lawhead's dad was saying to that, that yeah, Kareem changed the fucking rules with the dunking. But I got to be honest with you, man.

If I went into battle with a guy, and this is real shit, man. This is why shout out to Betty White. But if I went into, like, battle with a guy, and you're telling me he can't walk in a restaurant with me, I'd be like, fuck that, dude. I'd be like, fuck that, dude. That's my teammate. We just won. That guy's not going to- That's easy to say be like, fuck that, dude. I'd be like, fuck that, dude. That's my teammate. We just won.

Like, that guy's not going to- That's easy to say in 2021, Paul, or 2022. You're going back in the time machine. You're still being the hero. What am I going to do? You would have been a Sicilian guy in 1962. Wait, how old would you be back then? Wait, how old are you right now?

How old are you? Wait a minute. No, no, no. You wait a minute. How old are you? You're going to make me say my age on that? I recently turned 40. What are you, a fucking ingenue? No, no, no. You wait a minute. How old are you? You're going to make me say my age on that? I recently turned 40. What are you, a fucking ingenue?

No, I'm 43. Did I use that word right? You're 43? Yeah. All right. So in 1962, that would have been, you were born in fucking what, 1919? So you're a Sicilian guy born in 1919. You're going to tell me, you're you're gonna be all we are the world

no no i didn't say that after what you went through no i didn't say we are the world but dude you know me as a friend how loyal i am to you dude i know the 2022 version of you come on man me and you hold on a second hold on let me just paint this picture let me just paint this picture just hold on well if we were both born in 1919 we wouldn't be friends i'd be in the irish section you'd be in the fucking you'd be like neat nina and i would be saying dago hold on hold on listen just hear me out just hear me out and then you could debunk call them paulie bronx tail if me and you are teammates and we're on the bus and we're going to play the milwaukee bucks and i'm sitting next to you and i'm going yeah dude they're fucking you know the papers are saying we're underdogs this and that and we're sitting there on the bus to

no no you're gonna these guys and we hug and we do all that and it's amazing and all of a sudden we get off the bus to go eat and then you you go, man, they're not going to allow me in there. If you think I wouldn't be like, man, this is fucked up. Then I'll go eat with you. What if I'm scoring more points than you and I can dunk and you can't, you're jealous. Not the, come on, walking right in the front door and you're getting a fucking eggplant Parmesan. I thought you knew your friend paulie versi better than that you're the only one that calls me you know what you sound right now you sound like a community college brochure well i went to community college so that makes sense i know and

you read their brochure and you think you're going to harvard i love on the community college brochure the campus looks nice till you get there they got the one shot of the fucking walkway with bushes oh yeah and then everything else is just fucking cement then you go there there's construction trucks across the street you're like what the fuck is this uh i'm sorry edgar you were saying no that's okay um an example of an italian guy who didn't go somewhere because they wouldn't let his friend was dean mart Dean Martin to the JFK inauguration. Everybody was invited. Sammy wasn't.

And he said, what the hell? And he didn't appreciate that. There's a lot of famous people there. Everybody else went. And he said, he was old school. He was like more of a put your money where your mouth type of guy. You're telling me you're on Dean Martin's level.

I'm saying, no, first of all, it's about his heart, man. It's about the duty is now, listen, I might've kept my mouth. Oh, I would keep my mouth. It doesn't make a difference when he's born. He's always going to be the greatest guy. No, no, no, no. I would probably break into cars, Paul. No, listen, I'm going to keep my mouth shut maybe about other people, but not my fucking dudes that I love. Not my teammates. See, that's the difference, dude. You're talking about Dean Martin and Sammy Davis were like, dude, we're talking about practice. Practice is over were like, dude. I'm talking about practice.

Practice is over. We're going out to get a fucking dinner. You're starving. Okay? You're walking on the heels of your Chuck Taylors because you don't want to get them dirty in 1962. And they got the Irish. They have the Irish-only doorway. You're telling me

all your Italian friends. No. And they want to give you the key to the fucking little Italy of wherever the fuck we're at. I'd be like, you're all blurry. You're lying so bad. Even the camera knows it's looking away. I, uh, no, dude, you got me with that heels with the Chuck Taylors for the people that don't know I was in Minnesota with Joe Bartnick and Burr and I had brand new Jordans on I think they were Jordan threes and I'm walking on my heels because there was like slush and water and they were just behind me laughing my fucking curse and go the fuck I mean fucking drive it's up there and he's fucking you look like some chick in your prom dress trying to get your heels dirty.

Bill, you know how much I brag about Italian food? I would have to make you go get it. I'd be like, no, no, no, dude, guys, you got to let him taste this. He's got to come with us. No, they would. They would just have me sit on a case of wine in the back. Hey, Paul, not for nothing, we like you,

but that pasty freckle guy, you know, with the fucking orange beer and pubes, they ain't coming in here, okay? He looks, his fucking pub, we like you, but that pasty freckle guy, you know, with the fucking orange beard and pubes, he ain't coming in here, okay? He looks his fucking pubes are like vodka sauce. Get him the fuck out of here. Have him be in the fucking back, all right? That's fucking, and I'd be like, nah, man, we just beat the fucking, you know, we just beat the Sacramento Kings.

Hey, Paul, I'm Italian. I knew that was going to happen before it happened, okay? You want your money that you earn? You want to keep wearing new Chuck Taylors every fucking game? Or you want your socks flopping down like that Pistol Pete guy? How should I take that? That's the best. The guy said he liked my

shoes. That mitten fuck sits in the fucking alley. You'd be lucky if we bring him fucking spaghetti. You on the other hand, whatever you want. However, if you two for nooks want to walk in the same door, you can go in the back. You would have been like, Oh, can you do me a favor? If I don't finish something,

can you send it down to him? Of course, Paul, of course we will. Can you send it down to him? Of course, Paul. Of course we will. Can you send it down to him? Is it okay if me and my friend smoke a stick outside? All right, but you got to do it in the back. You got to do it behind the place. That's the way it was. That's the way it was, 1919.

Maybe I would be that guy. Hey, dude, listen, I did what I could, but if you come around bad, we smoke together. I would try. But I wouldn't be like, yeah, get in the fuck. I would be that guy Hey dude listen I did what I could But if you come around bad We smoke together I would try No I would try But I wouldn't just be But I wouldn't be like Yeah get in the fuck

I would be like Dude this is bull You'd be nice about it You'd be nice about it Right No I think you got me wrong man A little bit I thought you

I don't know I think you kind of opened up The playbook there I saw a little bit in there You'd be nice about it No no I would do everything That I could

To make that dude be able to hang with us. And if it was an absolute no, I would still try to find a fucking sneaky way out. Sneaky way to do it. You know. Paul, I gotta be honest with you.

If they said no Italians, I would just say you're shit out of luck, Paul. I'm fucking hungry. I'm going in there to get the cabbage. But I know you don't want to eat that shit. of luck, Paul. I'm fucking hungry. I'm going in there to get the cabbage, but I know you don't want to eat that shit.

Listen, we don't know how to cook. No, it'd be funny if Italians weren't allowed and you're like, no, no, that's good. We didn't want to come in. Yeah, we didn't want to go in anyway. What do they cook? It doesn't smell good in here. I like Italian food so much, I would not be insulted. I would go in the back and I would

sit there with the provisions. I'll tell you something right now, and I learned this recently, Bill, I would not be insulted. I would go in the back and I would sit there with the provisions. I'll tell you something right now, and I learned this recently, Bill, and you'll appreciate this. You want to know the way people shit on potatoes. You want to know who nobody fucks with a potato like, and I didn't realize this until recently. My Greek heritage, when they make the lemon potatoes, the potatoes are chopped up. They're so moist and amazing, and they got like herbs and seasoning and a lemon.

Oh my God. We should try that. No, no. With lemon season, the potato Paul, first of all, nobody shits on the potato. You shit on the potato. No, no. You just said all we work on is what you do. No, no, dude. I'm saying I've had lemon potatoes that are good. I'm saying you're there. They could make them good. You know, you act like that's a surprise. Well, I mean, listen, Paul, your first loves the tomato. And that's just it is what it is. You don't like potatoes. You don't like peas.

You don't like anything northern Europe. You just don't like it. I can't stand it. So you like schnitzel. I'll tell you this. I'll tell you I love schnitzel. As a matter of fact, I had some amazing meals in Germany. I love schnitzel. I'll tell you this. I don't believe somebody that tells me that peas taste good. I actually don't believe it. I think it's just somebody saying, oh, I like peas. It's it's it's there's zero. It's horrific. A pea's horrific. Can I ask you a question, Paul? Are peas as bad as Italian cookies? Peas are worse. Dry ass goddamn cookies. I don't know what happens with you guys.

You guys like, you're fucking, everything you do is fucking amazing. There's nothing but your desserts. Your pastries are just fucking horrible. Yo, Chris Italia heard you say that. He still sends me links. And he goes like this. He goes, just do me a favor. This is how I personally took it. He goes, do me a favor. He called me

for this. You know what I mean? And I haven't seen him in a long time. Do me a favor. There's a place in Brooklyn. You gotta fucking take them over there. Listen, there's fucking people that can make, they can make chitlins. They can make chitlins. You're boiling shit out of intestines. There's people that can make, they can make one of the, what's it? Chitlins. They can make chitlins.

You're boiling shit out of intestines. There's people that can make that shit taste good. But generally speaking, I don't want to fucking eat that stuff. He goes like this. He goes, do me a favor. He goes, bring them here on a Sunday. It was almost like a fucking mafia thing. He goes, bring them here.

He goes, bring them here on a Sunday. You got to let me know when he's in town. We do Sunday supper here. He goes, I'm going to fucking knock his fucking balls. He's not. He's not. I'm going to tell you something about Chris Italia. His food recommendations overrated. All right.

Him and Dave Kimowitz, rest his soul. They sent me to a fucking sushi place out here. Sucked. You got to go there. It's just one old guy. He's grumpy. He doesn't even make what you want i went there it sucked it fucking sucked they were into this they were into the story of the guy

he doesn't even give you what you want yeah one of those guys you sit down you eat you shut the fuck up this fucking guy right yeah they i'm telling you you, you know, you know, who knows the spots in New York? This is going to drive them nuts. Pete Davidson. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Pete Davidson, a.k.a. two for two. He gave me a place down in Chinatown. Yeah. My wife went to fucking amazing and he gave me a place to get pizza in Brooklyn. That was un fucking believable. Dude. He said,

it's like, Oh, for six. Dude. And I actually lie and be like, Oh yeah, man, it was great.

It's like his shit. It's like good. Oh boy. He's not going to like this podcast. He's going to go send them down. No, listen, listen,

Pete sent me to a sushi place that the, the red snapper almost made me. It was that fucking, I couldn't fucking believe it. How good it was. No, listen, Pete sent me to a sushi place that the red snapper almost made me. It was that fucking, I couldn't fucking believe it, how good it was. No, yeah, Pete Davidson knows the spots. Chris Italia, he's a ham and egger, man. That guy would walk up to a food truck and tell you, you know, if I wanted to get like a sausage king, I'd go to Chris Italia. What?

Do you have, what's your uh chris italian's like that sports fan that buys all the gear but can't really talk the game no he's actually really good at sport he was a sports journalist he's good you know no no but i mean with i know the example no the example i'm just trying to get this fucking guy going so he finally starts pulling out the aces because what I think is he's just looking at me like some German Mick going like, all right, I don't need to give him the best spots. I'll just give him some of the little, I'll save the good ones from my Paisan over there.

There's a couple of spots in, in, in queens in the bronx he would send you to but you don't like you don't like a fresh cannoli i've never had a good cannoli and i've lied to so many italian friends of mine i say oh i had oh my god it's unbelievable they're just dry and the fucking the filling is is whatever it's just cannolis are fucking dry, dude. Have a pitcher of water with you. Listen, I used to not be a cannoli guy until, I'm getting a sweet tooth later on in my life. Hey, I got a little. No, you're just getting addicted to sugar. You just got to break that habit. No, but I know you have a good taste. I know there were times on the road we ate, we were both like, oh my God, try it. So I'll take your word for sure.

And some of the restaurants you mentioned are great, but I do think that you have not, I think that, I think the rainbow cookie is incredible. I mean, it's better than a girl scout cookie. I mean, it lives in the same family. You ever have a Spolitelli like more of like the puff pastry. in the same family. You ever have a Spolitelli?

More like the puff pastry? I'm talking cookies. Listen to me right now. Cookies. Cannolis. It's just not good. Every Italian listening to anything better right now is going to hit Andrew.

Where can I send this to? Fuck this. Listen to me. Exactly. And this is the thing. This is the thing. If you guys go, yeah, you Irish guys, you drink too much and your fucking cabbage stinks, I'd be like, yeah, you're right. You guys

are going to be, oh, wait a minute. I'm just having wine. It goes with the dinner. I'm not an alcoholic. Open another bottle. Let it breathe angie it's so true it's an accoutrement with the kidney the fucking shit over here the doctor said one glass a day is good for the heart it's good for your blood i love how they say that it's like it can't know, you know, it's in your blood, a blood thinner, a medical medicine.

Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I'm just saying, no, I, I absolutely. Listen, you know, I love Italians. You know, I love your food. I'm just saying you're fucking your, your shortbreads, your cookies, they're fucking dry. I listen, I can't really, I can't come from a place of jealousy because our cuisine is so fucking bad so i just gotta say i gotta say one thing what am i supposed to say i'm jim ursay right now i'm laying your footballs you guys still won by 35 when it comes

to food don't listen to me oh i gotta i don't know if we told the story, but Bill got mad. Bill was on the bus. I got mad? Oh, my God. That doesn't sound like me. News is breaking. No. Everybody, hold your hats. Rex Ryan put on weight. Hold your hats.

We went to, now Bill will tell you, when you tour with me, don't really talk to me until 11 a.m. I just, I love my friends, but I hear them up. I hear talking. I hear laughing. I hear a beer crack. They're watching. I let Paul wake up himself. I never wake Paul up. You were great like that. Right? So Bartnick goes, dude, you just got to come to little Illy with us. All right. With me. And he goes, these guys aren't going, but Verzi, you just got to come to little illy with us. All right. With me. And he goes, these guys aren't going, but Verzi, you just got to see this. So I'm walking with them. Frank Sinatra's playing in the streets. All the markets are open. There's Italian. You just hear everything. I go in there

cutting provolone. Like it looked like a fucking looked like a GM factory making car parts. They're cutting, they're slicing provolone like this. Bartnick's just looking at me with his look. He's like, look at it. They got everything in there. Olives, right? So we get the olive stuff with the garlic. We get the cheese. I spent $97 on, I think, prosciutto. I just come back with, with everything, the antipastas. So I was so excited. The bread is soft. So I make Bill a plate. I make everybody a plate. Me and Joe are really hyping it up.

And Bill, me and Joe go in the back for some reason, come back. And Bill is just going like, yeah, I get it. Like, it's because these fucking guys, you actually got mad. You guys wouldn't let us enjoy it. You guys wouldn't shut up about the food. Hey, get some of the prosciutto. And take some of the parmesan. Or put it together.

It's fucking good, right? It's like, yeah, yeah, man. It's good. It's good. Bill, you wouldn't believe. They had octopus down one whole fucking side of the wall. Me and Lawhead were just sitting there like, all right, man. OK, cool.

You guys just wouldn't shut up. It's a fucking food. And we saved the olives. Bill loved the olives with the garlic. I loved it. And the stuff was all good. But you guys hovering over me after every bite was driving me nuts.

It was out of love. And we wanted you to enjoy it. But yeah, we got a little, we went a little heavy. I felt like I was going to get jumped and I was just having a sandwich. I just didn't feel like my reaction could live up to your expectations. All right. I watched the fucking Raiders charges games on mushrooms last week, man. It was one of the best fucking experiences I ever had.

Dude. I don't know how the fuck you can do it. I can't fuck with that shit, man. It was one of the best fucking experiences I ever had. Dude, I don't know how the fuck you can do it. I can't fuck with that shit, man. I have only done it twice in my life. You know, what's great about it is you do it. You don't want to like, I got to do it again. Like I got to do another shot, like drinking or smoking weed. Like I have no fucking desire. Like I could not do that again for another three years. I just could just live off of how much fucking fun I had. Dude. If I saw Chris Collinsworth melting into his jacket, dude, I'd start crying and go to the hospital. Oh, it was hilarious. No, it was hilarious. He's going out there right now.

The radio's biggest problem is going to be, and I'm just sitting there going, dude, the biggest problem you got is you're disappearing into your shirt. I was having a fucking ball, dude. I walked outside and it was like nothing but like the roadrunner coyote cliffs and they like came alive it's like i was doing a show and i was like all right man hey didn't see you over there he's talking to the bushes and shit how is this then all of a sudden i saw like this cowboy i hear this voice and i'm on like native american like you know navajo land so i'm thinking oh my god I'm hearing the spirits here.

I see a fucking cowboy fucking up the side. I'm like, is that moving? Is that a fucking cowboy? What the fuck is that shit? Right. And the dude is way to fuck over there. He just goes, hello. And it's like, he's right next to me. And I'm like, is that fucking cowboy talking to me? Did you freak out? No, I was just like, this is amazing. I felt like I was watching, like, i'm like is that cowboy talking to me did you freak out no i was just like this is amazing i felt like i was watching like i'm like am i have i tapped into a porthole for the 1800s so let me finish so all of a sudden i hear this woman go okay i love you be careful and he goes okay and then he starts like walking across the cliffs near my place so i go inside i go

nia can you go outside you just i think i see is there a cowboy walking across and cliffs near my place so i go inside i go nia can you go outside you just i think i see is there a cowboy walking across and she just starts laughing because she didn't do it she goes no there's no cowboy there so i'm laughing i'm going oh my god that was fucking amazing i just saw no i i loved and then the ground just started doing like this like moving and like they coming out and going like that. I was just like, you know, at one point all the bushes started standing up like they were looking at something.

I was just talking to them. What are you guys looking at, man? That's cool. Is that a hand? Oh, that's a bush. Just doing shit like that. And then I sat down to watch the game and I had the best time. So here's the funniest shit.

The next fucking day, last day of the vacation, I go down to the little breakfast area. I go down there and the fucking cowboy guy's there, but he's dressed like now. And I'm going, wait a minute. And I watched him drive back and he was in the bungalow next to ours. And I was like, oh, fuck, that wasn't a cowboy. That was just him talking to his wife,

saying that he was going on a hike. And those voices weren't a cowboy. That was just him talking to his wife, saying that he was going on a hike. And those voices weren't Native Americans. That was just their voices echoing. So when he said hello, he saw me staring at him. And I didn't say hello back because I didn't think he was real. He probably thinks I'm an asshole. And Paul, I sat there for four quarters like you kind of like go into it then you come out of it then you come back in it was fucking i had the best time and

like like nia was all nervous because i right right as i took him a half hour later my buddy called me and told me unfortunately sagat passed away yeah i broke down crying in the fucking restaurant it was brutal then I was just going all right this is gonna be a fucking brutal trip and it was just like it was like I don't know I had as much fun as I had hanging out with Bob Saget put it that way dude like just how much you know to memorialize the guy just a fucking all right let's not talk about that because that's that's that's one of the saddest ones ever yeah Yeah, man. But anyway, I had the fucking best time. I had the best time.

Other than there was at one point when I was tripping, I was hoping that maybe I imagined that my buddy called me to say Saga was dead. And I asked my wife, she said, no, that really happened. I was like, dude, you know what I think about, about that though? As sad as that is. And it is that he was in one of the nicest people I've ever met hearing everybody just say that like how nice and great somebody is i thought about imagine living life the opposite imagine being the guy that goes and people are just like

ah that guy wasn't night like those guys don't go paul they live forever they fucking live forever jesus it's the truth they do i'm trying to think the last time a fucking asshole died dude billy joel only the good die young man um all right well you know what that was about paul no he was trying to talk this chick into banging him all right isn't that what it was? Come on, Virginia. Show me the way, Catholic girls. Don't spread their legs. I'm a bug-eyed Jewish guy. I want to bang you, but we won't get married because our parents won't accept it.

Because it's still the 1970s. Oh, shit. Only the good die young young she should have fucking banged him no she should have fucking got out of dodge dude no way she would have loved it like afterwards he plays piano man um well let me tell you how much i hate of songs that are in three four what do you mean they're always about the ocean and people start swaying at the bar. I just fucking hate it. And we'd all go down together. Sing us a song in a p.m. I swear to God, it's more on time.

It's like Drunken Sailor. Yeah, it's Drunken Sail god it's more on time it's like yeah it's drunken sailor it is yeah um like if you want to hit write it in three four with the dumbest lyrics ever and you will get dopes it makes their brain slosh around in their head and they think they're thinking all right listen dude i we gotta wrap this up because I got a bunch of shit I got to go do. Yeah, yeah. All right, guys. Well, this has been Anything Better, episode 49. Thank you so much, guys. Check out Bill Burr's Monday Morning Podcast, all of his tour dates.

Check out paulverzi.com for my tour dates. I got Connecticut coming up. I have Tampa coming up. I have Pittsburgh coming up. All the dates and links for tickets are on my website. Check out my YouTube channel and, uh, the Verzi effect podcast. We will be back next week with episode 50, getting close to one year of doing this. It's been a blast. Uh, that's, uh, pretty much it. We will see you guys next week. Thank you.