Anything Better? - The Rental Car

Episode Date: November 6, 2021

Is there Anything Better than having Rose Bowl Tailgate Legend Joe Bartnick in studio? Limited EditionEdition Merch ➡ https://silkshopstores.com/anythingbettermerch/shop/home

What's up everybody and welcome back to the Anything Better podcast, your favorite hour of the week with your hosts Paul Verzi, Bill Burr, we have our amazing producer extraordinaire the freak Andrew Themlis. And today we are sitting with our guest, maybe our third or fourth guest, making his second appearance on the show. Anything better, Mr. Joe Bartnik. Joe B., what's up, baby? What's up, fellas? Oh, this is episode number 40.

So we do, with every episode, we talk about the greatest players to wear that number. So this week, episode 40, Paul. This is one I remember. Gale Sayers of the Chicago Bears. What did he score? Six touchdowns, seven touchdowns in one game. Unfortunately, got a knee injury, cutting his career short. Also, honorable mention, Mike Haynes of the New England Patriots slash Los Angeles Raiders, who shut down Joe

Theismann, all his wide receivers. The clean Lester Hayes. Lester Hayes was, I thought he was 37. No, but he didn't have all the stickum. Lester wore all the stickum. Mike Haynes was like a model. Oh, the clean Lester Hayes. Okay, I didn't get it. Sorry to cut you off there. That's alright. 40's a hard

one. I got two others here. Number 40, Henrik Zetterberg. I don't know what team that seems like. The Red Wings. Yeah, the Red Wings. Captain of the Red Wings. He wore 40 on the Red Wings? Yeah.

Oh, I didn't picture that. And in the NBA, Sean Kemp. Number 40. Oh, the Rayman. That's how many kids he has. I was going to say the amount of baby mamas that guy had. He had to get out of fucking Seattle after that. Poor bastard.

It was raining kids. It's raining kids. Hallelujah. Can't beat Gale Sayers, though. That's an easy one. Gale Sayers, yeah. I mean, I had to think for half a second on that one. I'm trying to think.

Oh, wait. Was Pat Tillman, was he 40? 39. Oh, we missed him last week. All right. I thought he was 40. I thought he was 40-something, 40 or 41. 40.

He was 40. We got it. Just before Sunday. Oh, my God. How could you not fucking forget that? We didn't. We before Sunday. Oh, my God. How could you not fucking forget that? We didn't. We didn't. Anyways, Joey B., everybody.

The man, the myth, the legend, the host of the Puck Off podcast with Frazier Smith. Joe, you're always a happy guy. I am a happy guy. You're always in a good mood. Try to be. You are especially in a good mood because it's, you gotta be, because it's hockey season. It is hockey season. It hasn't

quite officially started in Pittsburgh since we've been on everyone, any good's been on the IR. But yeah, it's officially started. They didn't call you up from Hershey? Wilkes-Barre. Hershey's the Philly team. Oh, sorry. Yeah, you know, and now there's scandals. Like, you know, people are trying to bring down hockey.

Bring down the Catholic Church. Bring down politicians. Don't bring down the Blackhawks. The Penguins. Oh, yeah, what are they saying? They said there was a little tomfoolery over there.

Yeah, you know, a little Paterno situation, but now they're going after the Penguins. No, no, no. Sandusky situation. Well, no. Well, yeah, exactly.

There was a Sandusky and then you had to do it. But then there was a, hey, we're going for the Stanley Cup here. Oh, no. Well, yeah, exactly. It was a Sandusky. But then there was a, hey, we're going for the Stanley Cup here. Let's not make any waves. Statues coming down in Chicago. Oh, my God. And then the Wilkes-Barre Grand Penguins, one of the coaches there did something, and they fired him.

But that's not enough for these people that shouldn't be in the locker room anyway that now are hockey reporters. Oh, they want to get rid of the franchise well i mean i think a lot of reporters you know didn't get picked in gym class so it goes beyond that i think then they want to like destroy the whole bill there's people like me that just want to talk about hockey want to listen to hockey and you get and now that there's kind of regular reporters that are like looking for blood. It's like you're not going to have a job if they shut down the NHL. So why can't we just talk about the NHL, right, Andrew? I'm sorry to get off on a bad mood.

The other thing, too, is if enough time goes by and you dig long enough, I'm sure you're going to find a lot of more disgusting stories like the Sandusky and this fuck. You know what I was thinking about the other day? When I was a little kid, I was in a doctor's office. And I remember this guy, he fucking put what looked like a condom on his finger and he fucking put it in my ass. Right. I was little. I was little. And I'm thinking to myself. And I remember like I remember like when I was laying there being like, Oh, I thought I came in for a dental cleaning. I don't know. That was a root canal. Okay. No. But, and like, you know,

I remember telling my mom cause I was like elementary school and I remember going, he put like his finger in my butt and I was like it kind of felt and my mom was just like oh you know he's probably like checking but now I'm thinking like was that okay so I'm you know I don't know you know but what were you there for he got what what were you there for sore throat no it was like an old hey I went. I should have gone right. You know? Wrong hole. The only way... Wrong hole.

Yeah. It was just like an overall physical. And I definitely remember it being like quick, so I don't think it was anything. But it just makes me think like, what the fuck? He was thorough, Paul. The man was thorough. Your mom got 10 bucks off on the co-pay. Yeah.

You know, Paul, I always wondered why such a happy guy like yourself became a comedian and now now i think i know that's all it takes you know one condom index finger up your ass and next thing you know you listen coming to the stage ladies and gentlemen oh it's probably it's probably perfectly innocent but what i'm saying is that guy who did it with those olympians and the guy that did it with the Blackhawks, and I'm sure that that's happened so much that, like, the more— Dude, it happened to Sugar Ray Leonard. What's that?

It happened to Sugar Ray Leonard. Where? At the Olympics. That's a ballsy predator taking on Sugar Ray Leonard. I mean, I don't know. It's one thing to get him, you know, a gymnast. I think it's great that these things are coming out and people can talk about them rather than carrying it around

because why should you carry it? The other person should carry it. So, you know, as much as I don't like, you know, all this sensationalized shit, you can't have that going on. I think you can have copy. You can have, you know, good hockey and not people getting diddled by coaches or fucking

whatever. Janitors sweeping up, I don't know, whatever, whoever the fuck it was. I completely agree. I'm just saying there is a crime, there is a criminal, now let's move on. That's all. Let's not just keep digging. Can we get back to hockey? That's all I'm saying. I understand, because I say that, you know, when they do the whole, like,

you know, you're watching a football game and then all of a sudden there's some guy with a sad look on his face. By the way, my uncle died of cancer. Yeah. It's like, great. Well, I'm not working on the research, so I can't do anything about that. I'm watching sports to escape the misery of the news.

Thank you for just – why don't I just put on fucking CNN or Fox right now? Yeah, exactly. Susie Colbert needed something to say this week. So I'm sure everyone in this stadium knew somebody with cancer. Like, right? Who doesn't know somebody who died of cancer? Who doesn't know you should

get checked out? Who doesn't know all of these things? And I always suspect the NFL of figuring out a way to make money where you don't think there's any way to make money. So I bet like cancer research people have to pay money to have these people hold these signs up to bum everybody out the same way when they used to show the troops you're like oh look at this patriotic shit it's like no that guy is a member of the united states army and the united states army just paid for a commercial

to have that guy stand up and everybody clap so i I never... But the dudes themselves I love, and women. It's the best. You're at a hockey game and you're like, we want to salute, you know, Jack so-and-so's third degree start. What's going on on the surface? That's the best. They have their wife and their kid there.

They got a free game jersey. The best is drinking Heffern Reference in a 72 Ford LTD that your dad's father owns driving to the fucking Boston Garden. That's the way it was. And there was fucking troops there, and they never introduced them, and everybody was fucking ripped.

That's the best. That's what I feel. The troops those days were outside. They didn't get the tickets. Yeah, they didn't. They were begging for change. They were the old school homeless people. Remember how the old school homeless people

were real Vietnam vets? Not like, I lost the war on drugs. Give me a dollar. They were actual Vietnam veterans. No, veterans now are homeless. That's why when I go by those 10 cities, I always make sure I try to, you know, if I got something, I try to give something. You give them your camo pants?

I give a lot of merch that I didn't like from other podcasts. Your bad MGM gear? Your bad MGM hoodie? your bad MGM hoodie. The dresser was getting a little full. I always like when there's like, if I get, sometimes I do a gig and somebody will give me like a sports thing from a rival of my team,

so I don't have it. But the best is when it's a rival of a LA team and then I give it to a homeless guy because I think, you know, everybody's going to see it because he's outside. He's walking down the street, you know? Yeah, he's outside. Some Celtics gear. I don't know.

Why would we do this? Paul, how's your week going, man? We're out here out west. You know, everything's this great time of year. You know, it's not as hot. Fires have done. Yeah, you know, seeing you two sitting there and Femless, the last time we were

together, we were eating a burger in sunny Pasadena, drinking sodas. And that's the day I looked at you and I said, yes, what I'm doing today. Fucking nothing. I'm doing nothing today. Nothing to do. Um, I can't wait to be out there with you guys, but no, man, my week is going better. I'm having a better week. My wife and I aren't fighting, which is great. You know, everything is going good. I'm relaxed. I'm getting some rest. You know, what can you do?

Fucking, I'm happy. Here's what you do. I was going to go to the city, but no, you go. It's too early. Is that a reference? It was going to be. That's okay. Cut that out, Andrew.

No, I like it. I was just like, I have no idea. No, I was going to be. That's okay. Cut that out, Andrew. No, I like it. I was just like, I have no idea. No, I was going to do what I do with my dogs. You know, when my dogs weren't getting along,

it's like, I'll tell you what I was going to do. I was going to go by myself to the beach. You know what, Ruby? You come with me. We're going to go to the beach. You're going to see Brian and Marcy.

You're going to play in the ocean. Then we're going to go home. You're going to play nice because that's it. That's the way it's going to be. Oh, yeah. You got to go home because you got to go home.

This is no good sorry I get it's not early I should have understood the it wasn't that good of a Pauly imitation let's be honest I've had better Pauly imitations I've had better Goodfellas references oh what the hell did my wife said to me we were at some place

we were in a cigar bar that my wife loves I'm not gonna say what it is but there in a cigar bar that my wife loves i'm not going to say what it is but there's a cigar bar my wife loves in la she you know she's working on a show idea so she writes and i smoke a stick dude it's we we had like one of the most perfect nights the other night where we went we hung out we had a sitter i was smoking a stick she was working on a show and in the end she was like hey you want to go to Carney's and get a hot dog and I was like yeah and the guy gave me a shorty and she let me smoke it in her car I had it hanging out the window dude it was like the perfect night so anyways

we're in the cigar bar she said hey if this thing ever goes out of business she goes you got to buy this place you got to buy this cigar bar and I put the cigar in my mouth and I'm like what do I know about the cigar business the exact yeah the Pauly thing what do I know about the restaurant business and he talks with the cigar in his mouth and I had to do it like nine times and she's looking at me not getting it I'm like

you fucking you literally set me up for the line in the movie so I had the same moment I just met a woman that never saw Goodfellas. I'm like, I don't think I can talk to you anymore. Or I can introduce you to the greatest dark comedy of the last 50 years. No, because she goes,

I'll watch Goodfellas if you go to church with me. I said, well, I guess you'll never see Goodfellas. Oh, dude, you gotta go to church. That's 20 minutes of material. Dude, if the guy's out there preaching and you don't agree with it and then the Bartnick left, church. That's 20 minutes of material. If the guy's up there preaching and you don't agree with it, then the Bartnick left.

In the back of the church. If Bartnick walked in a church, books would start setting on fire. Last time I went to church was New Year's Eve. Christmas Eve. With my mom and all the kids, all the grandkids, everyone. We went midnight mass.

My mom was sitting there with three grandchildren laying on her. It's like in Washington, D.C., downtown. It's a thousand seat church, at least. It is packed. It's like the Stones were playing the church, right? This guy talked for an hour. And I looked around. Not one single human being was looking at him and making contact

with him i was offended not as a catholic but as a comedian right he would stay on stage i'm like wrap it up yeah he's your closer he was going this was born boom good night yeah merry fucking christmas that's the easiest night of the year for him Well he was probably so psyched To be in front of a big crowd Like they finally had a draw He was trying all of his jokes He's running his hour

Hey the 700 Club's here tonight I gotta have a good show Let's go come on Keep it moving bring up the deacon Let's get out of here Oh that's the fucking worst That place the organs is going like this with a phone Let's go. Come on. Keep it moving. Bring up the deacon. Let's get out of here. Oh, that's the fucking worst. That place at Oregon's is going like this with a phone?

Yeah. Altar boys waving the candle. Wrap it up. Dude, going to church and the priest stinks. It's just, it's, it's, oh, you just, I go, every once in a while I go with my mother-in-law and she goes to a good church. And with COVID, you have to be like outside and stuff. And, you know, he's actually good. He's got something to say.

He gets in. He gets out. I remember back, I used to do, I had like a, I think for the first, like, I don't know how many years, like 25 years of my life, I never missed mass. I had a Cal Ripken streak. I never fucking missed mass. And I don't know, somewhere along the line. Oh, that's right.

They started, I found out they raped children and then i just i started then every time the basket came by i'm like is this money going against like the children the defense i'm i'm paying for lawyers for this shit so i kind of stopped going but i remember uh there was a couple people oh i remember yeah yeah like the church i went to there was just there was always like one guy that was the star, the headliner. You hope you got him. And then there was a couple of feature acts. And then there was just the fucking, the cunt priest where he would just give you shit that nobody showed up and it would just go on and on and on. Dude, I remember everybody would be, we would be doing like this, would be like lean, lean forward, just like kind of looking down at their shoes.

And then the hot deacon would come every year to change up the hot deacon to get everybody motivated. All the single moms show up for the hot deacon. Oh, we had one of those guys, and he had the ski trip. Everybody would go on the ski trip, and this guy would crush it on the slopes and hopefully got laid. Somebody in a loveless marriage gave the guy a little something no dude you're uh you're right about like a headliner because i i remember when my grandmother passed away rest her soul we went to that mass at saint john's and yonkers this guy was

so good dude i was okay with death like i was just like me and my wife were going everything's gonna be okay like everything's gonna i it was this guy was crushing it he kept it like he kept it simple but said the important stuff what joe was saying before he hit the bullet points made you feel good and you were like yeah this guy this guy should be closing 10 o'clock saturday nights why can't they do that why do they always gotta they always gotta make you like my religion they always to fucking scare the shit out of you that, you know, you're not doing enough. You're never doing enough. Yeah, my wife has a good religion.

It's not the Catholic. It's like the Catholic light. What is that? One of the ones that isn't Catholic. I don't know. All the ones that are Jesus but not Catholic. You know, all the underlings, you know, like also receiving votes. One of those religions.

They're all chill. Yeah yeah but my mother was protestant i just wish my dad went the other way but we all went over the catholic side but i i went to a couple of those with her just on easter you know you want to bring your kid like easter christmas but my kids stopped going but i every now and then i'll go on christmas in my neighborhood there's like a bunch of churches so i went to one i just get a couple good vibes for 20 minutes and then i don't have to stay for the whole thing. A couple of innings. I leave in the fifth inning. It's like being in baseball. After my

second beer and my second dog, it's like I start counting outs. How many more do we got to go? I didn't even know the World Series went on. The whole thing went without me even knowing. I watched the whole thing. It was like the election. I watched last night too. Good for them. By the way, shout out to the Atlanta Braves for winning

that game. Good for them, man. Because if they lost last night, it would have been rough. And then also, you know, it's great for Atlanta because Jesus Christ. I mean, with what the Falcons did in the Super Bowl and the amount of times the Braves won their division throughout the 90s and into the 2000s and

all they ever got was one world series out of it dude they won this year they won a 95 and the last time before that was the milwaukee braves in 57 with hammer and hank aaron um dude by the way when 44 comes up hank aaron and reggie jackson i mean that's that's like that yeah that's like that's like the most powerful number in baseball other than Jackie Robinson. And Koff Madison. Yeah. Wormwood 44. I didn't know you were going with that.

Dude, what won it for the Braves was their bullpen. Their bullpen just shut Houston down. Houston, the whole year, they were scoring all of those runs. And the only reason why I watched the series, because I usually don't watch them, was because they were saying that it was bad, a ratings nightmare that Houston and Atlanta were in it. And it just makes me sad.

It's like, well, if the MLB ran it like the NFL, it doesn't matter what cities. Everybody's fucking watching. So I sat and I watched it, dude. And I thought when the Astros just put it on him in game five, it just looked like what they did to the Red Sox. Like, we did all right for two games. And then they put it on us one game, and they just never looked back.

It was just like the fucking Lakers fast break in the 80s. So I just thought that the Braves looked dejected. They're from Atlanta. What Atlanta does to their sports fans, I would say on my podcast, another thing, yet another thing I was wrong about this year in sports. I thought they weren't coming back. I thought Atlanta would bounce back

just because of Freddie Freeman, man. That kid, Freddie Freeman, is anything you could ever want in a baseball player. He gets the numbers. He keeps his fucking mouth shut. He's a great dude. He's clutch. Reigning MVP. You would never know it. He's just a fucking... He's the fucking

man, dude. You know who's that on Houston? Al Tuve? That fucking guy, that guy can play. Because I know there's all the bullshit with the trash can. That fucking guy can play. Oh, no, no, no. Al Tuve, that fucking guy, that guy can play. Because I know there's all the bullshit with the trash can. That fucking guy can play. I don't. Oh, no, no, no. Altuve is great.

But watching Hank Aaron's grandson. Hank Aaron's grandson went out and he had his phone. And he was, like, pointing to the fireworks. And he was just going, like, you could tell he was just, like, happy. And, like, you know, so that was really cool to see. I don't feel bad for Atlanta losing ever. Why? Because other than not having an ocean, which hurts.

They got the Gulf, though. Not Atlanta. Atlanta's in the middle of the... There's no ocean in Atlanta. Well, there's no ocean in Canada, but where I grew up, it's still a fucking beach. Yeah, but what I'm saying is the women down there are so hot. They don't have to care about sports. If you live in Atlanta, the smorgasbord

of women is so amazing. Sports are the last thing. I wouldn't even think about sports. That's why nobody shows up. There's so many hot chicks. Why would you even go to a game? I mean, really, per capita. Other than the whore cities of New York

and LA and Vegas. In Miami. Other than the whore cities of New York and L.A. and Vegas. In Miami. Other than the whore cities. Would you say there's only three whore cities? Vegas. Well, New York, there's just so many hot chicks. New York chicks are the fucking hottest. New York has hot chicks.

What makes to you what makes a whore city? Where hot chicks go to... To land a rich guy. Or to be a model or to whatever. Okay, so that's not a dream in your world. They're whores. I understand to go there to get a rich guy makes you a whore, but if that's their dream, I'm getting out of my fucking town.

Okay, I throw the whore term around. That's a broad whore brush. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Gloria Steinem. I was just saying, you know, I call... You know what I mean. Broad, you know, I call... You know what I mean. Broads. You know what I mean.

Miami. So you're saying that women that aren't good enough to be models but think they are. Okay, those ones. Okay, I get it. But New York, L.A., Vegas, Miami. Those are the four that just attract hot chicks. They're like a, you know, it's like dog food to a dog. Right.

Other than those four cities, I think the best pound for pound hot chick city is atlanta where normal women who've born raised to live i think it's atlanta i i gotta i gotta a runner up to contest that obviously arizona and phoenix but are those college chicks around the world i don don't know. My buddy went to college there. And I'll say Phoenix has the white chicks and Latinos, which I love. Atlanta's got some hot black chicks, too. They got everybody. Atlanta's got the whole potpourri. Atlanta's got the whole potpourri.

And they're like rich people, too, there, Atlanta. Phoenix is like they're all gold diggers or they're broke. There's not like people working. There's a lot of money in arizona dude those are retired republicans i know but the women are the goal i'm talking about women you're gonna get all that money down there dude they're there if you go down what's that fucking strip we used to i used to do the uh the tempe improv right and then the great Dan Mayer would take you out on that strip where all the fucking rich whores were fucking. And Scott's walking around. Yeah,

dude. I mean, that was impressed. That was impressive to me. I, I, I'm, I'm,

I'm up for putting a number five. But Joe, I gotta, I gotta correct. This is like the top 20, the college, the beginning, the API.

Joe goes, Joe goes, yeah, man, I gotta be honest, honest dude like who cares about if i was in atlanta i wouldn't care about sports joe was in a fucking bar in a in joe was i've never seen anything like this he was in a packed nightclub 70s theme the dance floor was packed with people dancing to saturday night fever when there's women are running around everyone's

getting drinks and joe is sitting at the fucking thing watching a Penguins playoff game in a smoky nightclub. Yeah. Hey, it's the Penguins. I wasn't watching the Atlanta Flames and Jim Craig. It's the Penguins.

It's the Penguins. It's the only thing I care about. I'm going to watch a Penguins playoff game. I think I got more chicks that night because they couldn't believe I wasn't into them remember that they were coming around like fly they were like bees on honey like this fucking Dago

doesn't give a shit about me he's watching a one inch screen I can barely hear and I can barely see Crosby they probably thought you were a GM of the penguins or something this guy's a scout I can get to Sid the kiduins or something. This guy's a scout. I can get to Sid the Kid if I fucking blow this guy here.

In an Atlanta Hooters, wherever the hell you're at. We were in the fun bar. Atlanta's great. The cigar shop, everything's great. I love Atlanta. I would move there if they had a real, if you didn't have to drive most of the places and it was on the beach. That's the only drawback is the traffic is insane. Absolutely insane.

And no beach. Beach is, ocean is clean. Oh, that's what you're saying. You need a beach close by. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Oh, that's what you meant. Okay, I didn't understand. I thought you weren't giving them credit for having waterfront.

I was talking Georgia. You were talking Atlanta. I get it. I get it. I get it. That's a long, what is that? Like a fucking three-hour drive down to the Redneck Riviera? Virgil Dutton, two and a half. I'm telling you, it's two and a half hours.

Door to door. From my door to the ocean, it's two and a half. I don't care if there's a cop behind me and I'm hauling Barton X-Drugs. It's two and a half hours. No bridges. No significant bridges. No significant bridges. And if you left it up to him,

you'd end up in Chattanooga before you're like, Paul, where are you going? We're in Tennessee. What? It's not for a stick. It's not for a stick. Alright, well, they got lakes up here, you know. Chattanooga, they got a good sports bar. Alright, man, what can I say? I'm bad. I'm bad with it. I'm bad with it. I'm bad with directions, man. What can I say? I'm bad.

I'm bad with it. I'm bad with it. I'm bad with directions, dude. Bad with directions. I have no... Can't get my bearings. Hey, listen. If the worst thing you could say about a guy is he's not really good with directions, fuck

all. I don't give a fuck. Hey, Bers, even if you're going the wrong way, at least you're going fast. Is Bersie a fast driver? I've never noticed that. I haven't ridden with you a lot. I'm a slow driver. I don't like driving fast.

I like Cadillacs. I like going slow. Thank God. This fucking guy. Oh, my God, dude. His glasses are like a funhouse mirror. He fucking drove. We were taking turns driving, and Joe's like, I'll drive.

We're like, you sure? Dude, he was driving. He slammed on the brakes. Do his face when he drives, what his face looks like. He's driving. He's going, I'll drive. We're like, you sure? Dude, he was driving. He slammed on the brakes. Do his face when he drives, what his face looks like. He's driving. He's going, right? Yeah. And then all of a sudden, we stopped short.

And I go, oh, shit. Dude, the car was like 40 yards in front of us. Yeah. It was like 20 feet. He fucking stopped short. And I'm looking at him like, what the fuck? And then he just started inching up. I'm like, Joe, what are you doing?

He goes, I just don't want to hit that guy in front of us. I'm like, Joe, the guy's like fucking 10 car lengths away. And he just starts laughing. Well, that night in question, I didn't volunteer to drive in an ice storm, a van. Anyone can always drive. I never want to drive. I like to drink. I don't like to drive.

I never want to drive. Hey, Paul, you know don't like to drive. I never want to drive. Hey, Paul, you know, look, if you're fucking the third string quarterback, there's going to be that game. There's going to be that game where all of a sudden, like, oh, shit, I'm going in. That's what happened. You're fucking, he was sitting there looking at the plays. I was holding the clipboard. I was looking at chicks in the third row. Joe DeBerg came in.

I need the headset on. Joey Testaverde came fucking in out of retirement, playing catch with his kid in the backyard. Remember that time he was playing catch and he got the fucking call? You yelled at me the other night when you were like, Jesus, Bart, Nick. You're going to call out the tree trimmer to trim your street sign. You can't read where you live.

I'm not going to say it on the air. All right, will tell you this you're the only guy that complains about that you're the only guy who can't find my fucking street there's a street sign i have to have the directions on my phone so when it says turn here i can turn like i can't just eyeball it yeah well all right well i'll get on that i'll get down there with a fucking hacksaw we'll uh we'll try to cut the uh we'll try to cut the tree back. But I'm with you, man. I'm not a speed guy. Unless I'm late.

Other than that, I like to just sort of fucking cruise. Okay, it's Policy Genius, everyone. You know, what's easier than opening a can of cranberry sauce? I'll tell you what. Getting free life insurance quotes with Policy Genius. Why? Policy Genius. Why? Policy Genius. Policy Genius makes it easy to compare quotes from over a dozen top insurers all in one place.

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how much life insurance coverage you need and compare personalized quotes to find your best price. When you're ready to apply, the Policy Genius team will handle the paperwork and scheduling for free. Policy Genius doesn't add extra fees. So head to policygenius.com slash better to get started now. Policy Genius. You know, Paul, when it comes to insurance, it's nice to get it right. You like that morning radio pause that was that was fucking textbook and uh remember the time bill dumped the car remember the time we were in canada

and we were going and bill just fucking dumped the rental and fucking left it there and it was there for months i was driving responsibly dude we got andrew we got so fucking hammered we got so fucking hammered the 30 minute nap didn't take us we got in at like 530 we had to be up at 6

we were so fucking hammered we came downstairs and then I remember trying to get to the airport it was foggy out and we were like fucking 4 hours north of Toronto or something. And none of our GPS was working. And I thought I could remember how to get to the airport. And then we were just going to miss the flight.

So I was like, I got to take this car back. We drove it back to the hotel. And I came walking into the fucking guy that you try to give a drink to behind the counter. The fucking clerk there. And I go, dude, can guy that you tried to give a drink to behind the counter. The fucking clerk there. And I go, dude, can you do us a huge favor? Can you call us a cab? And I'll give you $20. Can you return the rental car?

And the guy's like, no problem. No problem. Well, I was so fucking hammered, I forgot about all of that shit. And like six weeks later, I get a call from a rental car company in Canada. Going, yeah, we're calling about the, whatever, the fucking Camry. You know what? I was walking my dog,

the late great Cleo Diego Burr, and I was just like going, yeah, what are you talking about? I returned that. Because we're running, when are you going to return that? I returned it. We don't have any record. I'm like, well, I brought it back.

I mean, I'm like, I don't, I mean, it's a Camry I'm not going to jail for a Camry okay you know I brought it back they called me like three times and I was flipping out I go stop calling my number I brought it back and I was freaking out and then I then in yelling at her she said something I was like oh wait a minute I just fessed up I was like you know I just remember I was like I'm sorry ma you know, I just remember, I was like, I'm sorry, ma'am. I go, me and my friends were hammered. And we were staying.

I go, there's only one hotel downtown. It's in that parking lot. And they were able, they must have gone down and found it because they never called me again. But like, she was like, she was like apologetic to me because she's Canadian. As I'm telling her that i'm a fucking alcoholic and couldn't bring a car back yeah you called me she was going like oh i'm sorry oh okay or i'm glad you're all right oh okay i'm sorry and as i meanwhile then i'm thinking like oh my god am i gonna own am i gonna owe three months on this fucking car but uh they got it

back and i've been to canada since then and you know i was able to get in the country and there wasn't any sort of outstanding warrant on me for stealing that fucking car or anything but uh yeah that's what we did we did that yeah you called but you called like three months later and you're like hey we were in canada do you remember like bringing back the car and i go no remember we went two blocks there. And I'm like, we can't drive. And we brought her back to the hotel. That's right. It was a long time after. It wasn't like.

That was one of the most responsible things, man. That was really responsible because my stupid ass would have been like, no, I slept and tried to make it. And I would have fucking gotten arrested. That was really smart of you to pull over. No, I. And say, fuck. I just told. I mean, you know. I mean, that guy behind the counter, maybe he was just afraid of us because we were just

slurring and shit. Don't say you're going to return a rental car and then you do. That's not the candidate Michael Moore talks about, Paul. He says you can leave the doors unlocked, you can give them keys, and they'll return the rental car for you. He was a good guy. He had his uncle drive to the airport for free.

Wow, dude, your tolerance is incredible. I don't remember any of that. Yeah. Wait, we watched some sort of like the women's Canadian team or the U.S. team. What did we watch the night before? We watched the U.S. women's hockey, and it was the same night that Villanova Carolina

had that quadruple overtime Final Four game. It was a Monday night. We got destroyed. And I just remember looking at my watch. You guys had a five-hour argument going on about something petty. Me and Bill were... That was actually one of the top two or three times me and Bill actually got fucking heated. I know.

I'm like, easy, ladies. We're all going to go home. We're all going to get in the car. We're all going to go home together. It's all going to be fine. I don't even remember that. You know what's funny? I haven't drank for almost three years.

It's three years this month. I haven't had one of those since then. Paul, when was the last time you and me? I mean, you've got to go back well yeah you got to go at least at least fucking three years the one time that i remember being hammered with you was when we got the tickets to the rangers we went with mazilli we sat like next to fucking tom hanks we got they were just pouring vodkas this big and they just and then we went to a bar and I went back to your place. And it was the first time I ever remember me and you both kind of staggered.

We looked like Rocky and Apollo and Rocky, too. Who's going to get up? It was like we were fucking we were. And then that's the night you said, Paul, I can't let you drive, dude. Just sit on the couch for a half hour. Then four hours later, my wife called crying. I had to tell your son you're not it was hey it was a it's not a great night it's not i remember i remember you

and i getting into it in a casino somewhere i just oh it might have been with a with the some fucking drunk other drunk guy i don't i do i i just i'm glad those days are behind me you are you are i you're not in my act, but you are a man on the rock bottom list because I'm the last person you drank with was me. Yeah. And I said, he drank over my house and we were watching-

Michigan. Versus Ohio State. It was halftime, so the game was probably already over the way Michigan's been for this fucking century. And I remember we were drinking Kentucky Owl. I remember looking at you when I finished one. I was like, dude, I'm never quitting. I loved it.

I absolutely, I loved that I went out drinking the best, like, I think it was a rye. I didn't have the bourbon. That was the best fucking booze. It was delicious. I was destroyed going that Notre Dame-USC game. I remember taking that Uber like, oh my God, we drank a lot that day.

But the best argument I just had that was just on Frazier's list, because, you know, Frazier loves boxing, is when Verze was talking about middleweights. And you had one of the greatest lines ever. Because I go, Verze, Verze thinks that, you know, the kid today, Mayweather. Mayweather, it was a foregone conclusion that he would have beat all four of them.

I said, I'll give you Arguello. I'll give you Pryor, even though it's ridiculous. I'll give you John the Beast Mugabe. It's ridiculous. I'll give you Duran. I'll give you Hearns. Hearns would look at him with his big fist and knock and scare him. I'll give you all those guys.

I wouldn't even argue that. But don't come to me, Paul, and tell me that he could beat marvelous Marvin Hagler and Sugar Ray Leonard. And after two hours, a big steak, a lot of booze, you finally gave up and you stopped and go, give this kid a malt. Because he didn't know his history. No, but you're leaving one thing out. You're leaving out that Lawhead, Jason Lawhead, which was the one that was getting me really... When I started to really start,

he said that they would all beat the fuck out of him. He goes, they would put him in a corner and beat the fuck out of him. And Thomas, Hitman Hearns and all of them go, dude, but fucking Marvelous Marvin Hagler showed up to a fucking Mayweather event and asked for his autograph and said he's the best he's ever fucking seen.

I'm not saying those guys wouldn't have beat him, but Lawhead said they would all beat the fuck out of him. No, but you also said that he would beat all of them. You did say that. I said he could beat all of them. You always do this, Paul. You make the statement, the argument happens, and then by the end of the argument, you back it off. I said he could beat all of them. You always do this, Paul. You make the statement, the argument happens, and then by the end of the argument

you back it off. I'm not saying... I said he could beat them all. I said yes. I said he could beat them all. I said he could beat them all. You said he would beat them all. You said he would beat them all. This is what the difference, Paul, between when Mayweather fought and when those guys fought.

Those guys all came in at the same time in their prime. in their fucking prime. It wasn't a watered down fucking league. There wasn't 15 fucking middleweight belts. There was one belt. Sugar Ray never ducked the mayor of the Philippines for five years. That's a Pacquiao reference for anybody out there yeah i mean come on clip that one andrew he also didn't want to lose to a guy on steroids which he clearly was true and true listen he's

this big he's kevin shay size okay let the guy take a steroid jesus christ it's boxing you're not to hit somebody mayweather it's not dancing with the stars that night in the not dancing with the stars. That night in the steakhouse at the Mirage, that night in the steakhouse at the Mirage, what got us excited because we started screaming was saying that they would beat the fuck out of him, which is just if anybody watches boxing and sees his defense, they wouldn't. But, Paul, you started it.

You started it. Okay. You started it saying that he was the greatest. We said, well, you know, Hagler Hearns and all of these guys, they all fought at the same time. He goes, no, you were like, they beat them all. And then Lawhead went, hey, they beat the fuck, Lawhead went too far.

You guys, you and Lawhead were both too far on either side. And you're sitting there, oh, your little shoulder rolling bookie dookie dookie, like that, that these guys couldn't figure that shit out. That they wouldn't have been able to figure that shit out. Dude, I'll tell you right now, Sugar Ray Leonard, he figured everybody out.

He beat everybody. Sugar Ray Leonard actually did what you said fucking Mayweather would do. He beat all of those guys. I mean, he got Hearns the second time. He even says he lost to Hearns the second time. But, like, I'm telling you, man, in their fucking prime,

like, that's what sucks about boxing is that you got, like, fucking, you know, there was, you know, somebody trying to unify the title. Back in the day, I just loved it. There was one belt. So everyone was going after the same belt. It wasn't like, I'm a heavyweight champion. Well, I'm the heavyweight champion over here.

I don't know. Whatever. I still think Hagler threw the fight against Leonard. He never hit the body. I don't Hagler threw the fight against Leonard. He never hit the body. I don't think he threw the fight. I think that he fucking won the fight and they didn't give it to him. Because they were setting it up for the rematch.

Well, the other theory is, too, is that Leonard hid for two and a half minutes and the last 30 seconds he threw a couple flurries to make it look like he was fighting. Well, the guy understood how it worked and everything. My favorite Hearns Leonard story was after that fight, I'm sorry, Hagler-Leonard thing was after they fought, you know,

Hagler was like disappointed, but like he had a life. So he just said, fuck it, and he left. And then like years later, they were at some sort of you know honoring you know the great boxers and they were both there and leonard had some guy come over and say to haggler i was like hey man you know anytime you want the rematch we'll make a ton of money let's do it blah blah blah and haggler just said tell ray to get a life and i just loved that he he went out like carson he was at the top of his game he did lose

but he was like i've made my fucking money i don't want to do this my whole life fuck this shit i got other stuff fuck joan rivers yeah who's joan what about joan rivers what about see went out like carson he did go out like carson i know it's a joke another joke that fell flat oh you're saying the other guy went out like Joan Rivers? No, I'm saying you go, he went out like Carson. I said, he said, fuck Joan Rivers. Remember, he fucked over Joan Rivers. Johnny Carson.

Oh, you went deep on that one. I'm sorry. So you're saying he's his Joan Rivers? All right, so now I got to explain this. Jesus, dude. You're going deep cut here on us. All right, so what happened was Joan. I'm glad you're after dark on on klos here's some deep you're going eddie trunk

here like naming the replacement guitarist for crocus um joe rivers was uh one of johnny carson's favorite uh arguably top fucking three the ratings were up when she guest hosted yes top three four comedians of all fucking time. She's basically right there with Carlin as far as how much material she wrote. And I saw her in the 2000s, dude. And I was just like, holy shit. I wouldn't say any of that stuff. She had balls. She was fucking unbelievable.

So she was like, guest hosted all that shit and was in with Johnny Carson. And then they gave her an offer when Johnny was getting old to do her own talk show on Fox with the great Vinnie Colliuda as the music boss there, whatever you call it, the band director and

she didn't clear it with Johnny, didn't ask, she just kind of did it and then went and he never talked to her again, never spoke to her again which i think was stupid so versi when spotify comes calling for anything better ask bill i would never i would never be that petty i would never be that petty why would you do why would you do that i mean i'm just trying to bring a joke here but I was just pissed me off like why are you going to get fucking mad at her

because she's trying to get a gig that you have who gives a shit I think it's poor form to get mad at chicks that you ain't banging enough you know that needs to be on a t-shirt it's poor form to get mad at a woman you're not banging can we get that on a nice soft t-shirt

how about a hard t-shirt how about a rugged flannel can we get that on a sleeveless fucking t-shirt no but dude going back to the going back to the boxing thing that's why dana white and the ufc i was completely wrong about that i was completely wrong thinking that it would never catch on like boxing because boxing was so. But then Dana White did something that boxing has never done, which is basically once a month, there's a main event that's like a must see if you're into the sport. It's the two best guys. The ranked number one guy has to fight the ranked number two guy for the belt. There's no dodging it. It's just what it is. And if not, Dana White's like, fuck you. I'll get the next guy. And that's

why it's so much fucking better. And how about the fact that that sport started after the NFL, MLB, NHL, and whoever I forgot there, and the NBA were already established as like, this is what people are watching.

And then you had golf fans, you had tennis fans and all of that shit. And they came out of nowhere and passed everybody and went global. Everything like the NFL and everybody wants to do is go global like soccer. They actually did it. And I was like, wow, that's so amazing that they did that. But if you look back in the early 1900s, the two biggest sports were boxing and horse racing. Now, I don't think horse racing ever comes back. I think people had more of a connection with horses because they grew up with them.

You know, the car was brand new and everything. But, like, fighting. Two people fighting. I remember Rogan saying this. Like, if you're just driving down the street, you see two guys fighting, you're going to fucking pull over and watch it. I see two people playing catch. I'm going to gonna keep driving no one leaves a hockey game when there's a fight no no one sits down when there's a fight yeah it's just it is it is what it is and the way that they have uh they marketed the whole thing i mean it's it's um i still don't think they get

to credit the fact that they i mean i think the only thing bigger than them would be like the World Cup soccer, right? Yeah, dude. And it's almost like when a football player, when they're like, oh, that guy's a basketball player. He's a good shooter. He's not good on defense. If you're like that in the UFC, then you have to learn to wrestle because a guy knows you're a striker. So then what he's going to do is get you on the ground to take that part of your game out.

And now that guy is going to learn that to defend that. It's really, uh, yeah, man, I was wrong about the UFC. I love Saturday nights. If I'm off and I get a card and we order food and watch those fucking

fights, dude, it's awesome. We got to do that. We got, I got it. We got to book a gig where we're all in the same place and just have the Saturday night off.

Dude, this Saturday is one of the biggest ones they've ever had that that covington guy versus usman but then they're also having like the the undercard like the card is incredible and it's at the garden it's at the garden uh this saturday night are you going for the for the middleweight no i'm gonna be i'm gonna be in houston but it's uh for the middleweight championship uh and that the shit talking that these guys are doing is fucking great. You know what's cool is Rogan just played MSG in the round. So how cool is it that he gets to come back again in an entirely different part of show business? It's sold out again because he did it in the round.

That he gets to come back again. Like, I can come here, I can sell it out as a comedian. I can come here as a commentator. The place is sold out. That's pretty, all he has to do now is do a live podcast. I would say that's his building at that point. He's like, I don't have to fight anybody. I can just tell some jokes.

Yeah, tell some jokes. I can interview somebody. Think about that, though. Us three, actually, us three had the night of our... I know it was one of the nights of my life, one of the sets of my fucking life, in front of 18,000 people. Could you imagine doing that walk,

having to fight a dude? It's such a level of balls. If you bomb, people kind of forget. If you get knocked the fuck out, nobody's forgetting. It's the garden. That's what I was saying. I thank God I did great. And I'm not even trying to do my own horn, but I'd never live with myself if I didn't do good that night.

Because I always tell people I would hate, especially the after party with all the energy people, like, oh, you were great when you knew you could have done better. That's the worst. So I knew I couldn't have done any better. Did you ever go see boxing at MSG? You ever go to a boxing match at MSG? I've never seen a combat sport live ever. Never boxing, never UFC, nothing. I saw Miguel Cotto.

I forget who he fought. And the undercard was this Irish John Duddy. Sounds like a guy on Mike Tyson knockout, like Irish John Duddy. Dude, this guy had a fucking left hook, man. I'm telling you. And he used to come out to my shows when I'd be down at Caroline's. And I asked him, I got to asking, I go, Dude, what are you thinking when you're walking in Madison Square Garden shirtless,

walking into an arena like a gladiator to go fight somebody? I asked, no, no, Irish John Duddy. And I go, I go, what are you thinking? What's going through your head? And then

he just, he was saying, he goes like, what am I doing? Like, why do I do this? He did say with this crazy, like, Irish accent. It was awesome. But he was just like, why am I doing this? Yeah, he was like he goes like what am i doing like why do i do this he did say with this crazy like irish accent it was awesome but he's just like why am i doing this yeah he was like a great white hope there for a second um and then i think he ended up getting into like uh to like acting or whatever but he showed up he won that night and i remember there was a whole section of irish people with the flag going fucking nuts and i remember sitting, all I was thinking there was just like, man, what I do for a living is bullshit. This is like, this is insane.

And I think that all the time. It's like, it's just like, I tell these jokes, that's it. Have a couple of drinks. It's the best. It is. It is. Compared to someone boxing.

I know. That's what I always hate. I always hate when they talk about comedians. He trained like a fighter before his stand-up special. He's like, no, he didn't. Skipping rope is not boxing. Sparring with somebody and getting your brains knocked around is just, you know. I drink like I'm getting ready for a fight with Irish John Duddy.

I cut weight so I wouldn't look like a fat fuck in my special. Bartnick's not waking up at four in the morning to run five miles and drink raw eggs before he does a set. Fuck the comic, asshole. Yeah, going from stand-up New York to fucking the comic strip, you know, all in one night. That's my road work.

Getting winded going from Fourth Street up to Grizzly Bear. Running up the steps. I got another spot in go from 4th Street up to Grizzly Bear, running up the steps. I got another spot in 10 minutes at 4th Street. I'm finally, I've been hitting the gym. I'm finally dropping. I'm fucking still got it here, man.

I'm fucking dropping this COVID weight, dude. I've just, I was like two pounds a week. That's it. Laying off bread and all of this shit. Sucks. I'm 224. Yeah, Bartnick's ready to go. I still got to drop another 10 and I'm 224 yeah Bartnick's ready to go I still gotta drop

I don't know another 10 and I'm good you wanna know what the most watched what's that now the most I pulled up the most watched sporting event they estimate it's the Tour de France 3.5 billion viewers over 23 days you gotta be shit

wait wait wait over 23 days that's what days, because I got 23 days to build the numbers. That's what I'm guessing why. World Cup 3.3. Is it on in like every airport in the world, like CNN? Right. I mean, who the hell? You can't tell me that gets more people than the World Cup. I gotta tell you, man,

one of my bucket lists is I want to go to the Tour de France. Le Mans. And pull the string out and trip people. No. How unathletic are those bikers that one of them falls and like a hundred of them almost die? You're supposed to be able

to ride a bike. I could avoid them and I don't even ride bikes. That's ridiculous. No, it's not. You ride and you turn. You go around them. They're going like 60 miles an hour

and they're right on top of each other. It was at the starting gate. Well, this is the thing, dude. Their feet are in the... You can't even ride a fucking tricycle. You can't even see. What the fuck are you talking about? I hate when people

oversimplify something because they can do it. Because this fucking jerk-off can ride a bike. He's Tour de France, guys. They're not even athletic. They can't even ride a bike, but they're in the Tour de France. They're riding up and down a mountain at 60 fucking miles an hour. But you would think they'd be able to avoid somebody.

They blame that chick holding the sign. Nobody stops short like you, though, you know? They blame that chick holding the sign like she's, you know, like a terrorist. And it's like, all they had to do was go around. So when stock car, when some guy fucking wipes, goes into a spin, and they have a 40-car crash, that means these guys don't know how to drive? A car at 200 miles an hour is a little different than like a bike going one mile an hour.

I disagree 100%, Joe. I disagree 100%. You're not going to disrespect them just because it's bike racing. And I know that you feel the same way. Listen, I share your views about people that ride bicycles in Los Angeles. I 100%. And everywhere else around the country. Let's not just keep bicycles in Los Angeles I 100%

and everywhere else around the country let's not just keep it to Los Angeles I know Verzi has a problem up in Westchester I'm not going to give away my ass they're the most arrogant most arrogant fucking assholes and like they won't get out of the way I get sharing the

road I don't want to hit you but like I'm in a car I need to get where I'm going and I allotted the road I don't want to hit you but like I'm in a car I need to get where I'm going and I allotted the time for the car dude those fucking assholes when they're just riding down the street side by side shooting the shit and they got like five cars behind them

it's like I get it just get behind and let everybody get by just be as courteous as you want and those cunts don't stop at stop signs they don't stop at fucking red lights they don't obey any other rules of the road on their side because the law is on their fucking side not out here dude not out here they have to follow the rules of the road oh no here in new york especially here and there's no fucking path for them they're arrogant they take up a quarter of the main road

on a double yellow line they tell you to go around they give you a dirty look i've seen cars with fucking families that swerve away from each other dude i said this if i was a serial killer that's my target i would kill cyclists i would kill you'd be a lazy serial killer they're the easiest people to kill fucking morons like riding down the street. Like it's out here. Like whenever I see somebody on like a scooter or a bicycle, like that has to be a young person that you believe that you're that invulnerable. All of these fucking idiots, myself included, texting while driving and shit. You try not to do it, but you do it.

And your dumb ass is going to be out on a bicycle or a scooter with your back to traffic. You're out of your fucking mind. And I don't want to hear anybody who listens to this podcast because I know this is going to fucking happen. Spare us your fucking tweet about hey, not all bicyclists. You guys don't know what the fuck you're doing. Yeah, you're great. You're fucking doing better than everybody. We don't want

to fucking hear it. Most of you guys are fucking assholes. Don't fucking tweet. It's a safe assumption that most people on bicycles are cunts. They just are. I'm trying to think last time of somebody cool on a bike. You know who the cool ones are? The guys

dressed in street clothes. And I'm always like that's probably a convicted drunk driver. Here's the only cool guys. The guys delivering food. That's it. Delivering food i i like those guys but i like someone that's hugging the traffic will actually go up on the sidewalk which they're not supposed to do i mean i feel like i'm going to do my act but basically other than food if you're a dude going to work that's cool if you're dressed up you you're not cool. I know. Why do you got to wear all that stupid fucking clothes?

You're not in a time trial. It's like the guy that goes dressed up to the gym. What are you dressed up for? I don't get that either. Why now when you go to the gym, do you got to wear this fucking Marvel comic fucking outfit? It's just like... Why go to the gym? Dude, what was wrong with the gray sweat fucking pants and the gray hoodie?

What was wrong with that? That's what they wear to school now. Did that literally get in the way of benching? I don't understand why you got to go down there. And the chicks with their fucking half their belly out, their fucking titties out and shit. You're not supposed to look, though. But you're not supposed to look. Then you're being an asshole.

Oh, I look. Oh, I want to not supposed to. I'm pro that. You're not supposed to look though, but you're not supposed to look. Then you're being an asshole. Oh, I look. Oh, I want to tell you something. I leer. You have to. They want you to. Why else are they there? Those chicks don't like doing those. Now they're doing that shit where they're like, they're fucking the barbell. What is that for? You know what I'm

talking about? I think that's for your back. Really? I don't know. It looks like. Oh, no, no, no i think that's for your back really i don't know it looks like no no no that that one's for you for your legs it looks like it's just because they want to fuck somebody as big as me and they want to be able to handle me like i'm not i'm not a top ladies don't worry about it you know what i'm talking about these little fucking mexican broads up there fucking banging out like doing like i know what the exercise yeah that looks with their uterus no yeah that's right i think that's for the legs i think that's it looks like it's for the uterus or your balls if you're a guy doing it but i'm trying to remember i've only seen one or two guys it seems like it's an epidemic or i guess yeah because pandemic is what we have if it was

just in your gym and then the gyms in the general area, I believe that's an epidemic. Way too many people at the gym now are doing all these heavy dumbbell, barbells, like you can't even get a bench now. It's like they all have, they're all doing these like, that kind of exercise or like deadlifting. It's like you're a 30-pound Mexican lady. You don't need a deadlift.

The worst is the fat fuck that just continues to be a fat fuck, but has the fucking personal trainer. And they just kind of come in and just grab all of this fucking shit. Every dumbbell, TRX fucking thing. And then they're doing some sort of cycle thing. And I just want to look at the guy and be like, you're stealing this guy's money. This guy's been as fat

as he's been since I've been going to this fucking gym. He's not losing any weight. He knows, because no one in shape uses a trainer. Who in shape uses a trainer? Nobody. No one wants to hear somebody bitch at them. Some half a guy like, no, no, no, you should be doing this.

Trainers just make you do lunges to think you're important. Do this lunge across. It's like, no, you're going to get hurt. Every time I see someone train someone, I want to tell the guy or girl, you're going to get hurt. This guy doesn't know shit.

When he went to community college for exercise, I'll fucking tell you how to work out. Oh, Paul, everybody's getting it today. Bikers, personal trainers. I come in hot. Anything better than hanging out with Bill and Paul, Andrew. My great producer Aaron you guys stole him today

I'm running late dude I swear to God I would fucking I'd kill for a stick right now I want to do a virtual stick with Paul the other night but Paul he was sick I was going to fucking

congratulate him on dude Paul is crushing the picks this the picks this year man part of his Monday night special, you pick three things on a Monday night. One of his things was Patrick Mahomes was going to throw a pick.

You know what I mean? Which you can say that, but to actually put money on it. Real money? The man came through. Real money? Or virtual MGM money? Well, we're betting against each other.

Oh. For the end of the year. So, I don't know. I was impressed. If you go thing you put away what's that if Bersie like to say it Bersie you like to spend help the odds we know money on Joe me and Joe are at a cashier buying something and I go Joe be honest with me dude do I all my friends bill my wife all all my friends say I'm not good with money. Will you be honest with me, Joe?

Joe goes, you spend a little bit. No, he goes, Percy, you like to spend. No one loves hanging out with Percy, even his wife, more than I do. I swear to God, nobody does, right? But if Percy somehow doesn't make some, I'm like, well, I'm saving a couple hundred bucks.

Because you never have to up the ante. Because Verzi's always going for another round. He's always going, let's stop here. Verzi eats like he's training for the decathlon every three hours. Go get a meal. You a little hungry? Here's the thing. If I invite you to eat, and you know this.

You guys know this. If I invite you to dinner, nobody's wallet comes out. Never. If I invite you to dinner, I pay. Paul, everybody does out. Never. If I invite you to dinner I pay. Paul, everybody does that. No. I've had guys hey, you want to go

you want to go fucking eat and then all of a sudden the bill comes everybody fucking divvying up their car, dude. Believe me. They're not all like fucking us. Alright. That's why that's, you know.

You know, what's that? Three. The triangle. The triangle offense here you don't you don't say hey let's go meet at a steakhouse let's go grab a bite and then when the bill comes you just start like divvying up or look at like or everybody throws a card and it's like no whoever said dude that gives me a headache when people do that it's just like can i just fucking can i just put it down yeah can i just put this fucking thing down I'm gonna sit there watching you guys dividing up coleslaw I just said that the other night I go don't insult me

here you go enough get out of here pay for parking Jesus Christ I'll give my card to the waiter before the bill comes so I'll be like here when they just oh he tried that he tried that he tried that we were in Atlanta and he tried to be the big sham.

I got breakfast. So he gives him the fucking card. I didn't announce it. I just tried to do it. He tried to sneak it. Oh yeah. We were all, we were all telling stories of picking up here.

I got to tell the story. That's the best. We were, we, we get, we get to the Atlanta airport. We get to the Atlanta airport an hour and a half before all of our flights. Bill and Joe are flying together.

I'm flying to New York. We go, let's go sit down. We'll get it. You know, sit down. Joe goes, I want to I want a waitress. I want a waitress. I don't want to just get something quick. So I like, great.

Me, too. We go. We sit down. We start telling tales about picking up tabs and shit. We start telling tabs about Chicago and all this and who picks up tabs, who doesn't. You know shit we start telling tabs about chicago and all this and who picks up tabs who doesn't you know we start talking about that and all of a sudden joe disappears comes back we start talking and as we're talking this waitress comes over and she goes uh he goes excuse me uh joe just starts to wave her off he starts going back yeah no no it's

okay it's okay you know she okay. She goes, no, I got to talk to you. She was trying to talk to him in private. He goes, no, no, no, it's okay. He goes, they know. They know. They know. They know. They know. Don't worry. The thing is, the car didn't go through and Joe just goes, oh.

He goes, oh god oh god save you she tried saving you she's trying to save the embarrassment oh no no no go ahead it's good they know he's like all right your card got declined he's like oh if anybody knows i don't get embarrassed that you guys that shit happens what are you gonna do hey bfa sometimes would be like there's no way this guy could be everywhere all the time but now they know just never you know like yeah yeah because you travel yeah yeah then he's always had my back i they gave me back money on two hookers that didn't perform i told you guys that story i didn't know you could do that.

I didn't either until they did. You paid a hooker with a credit card? Well, yeah. I wanted the paper trail. I was in Vegas. Can you please run for office so when someone goes, it says here when you were in Reno. Reno. You got a couple of hookers.

I'm not getting hookers in Reno. I'm not a dirtbag. It's Vegas. All right. You got a couple of hookers. And then you just go, well, yeah. And somebody dosed me with something or other or laced my marijuana. I basically, we had all these strippers and I worked on a show.

My show, and I worked on the show, was in the show for Playboy Television. And we had a big party and we already have strippers. So I'm like, let's get a couple hookers. Lighten the mood up the end a little bit. And they were there and I basically got,

someone dosed me, or basically I think laced my joint. I was done. Sounds like a great party, Joe. It was for a lot of people. Oh, yeah. No, I'll tell you the end of the story. So I...

Paul just keeps coming in and off the screen. Yeah, no. So I go... So basically, the next day, so basically, they came. I went back to my room. No one was like, that's Bartonx Steel. They came to my room, and they're like, hey, you owe us like $1,500. And I'm like, okay.

I go, they just bothered me. One of them was hot. One of them was like, I just wasn't into. The one that looked like cocoa was delicious looking. One was running the ball. The other was blocking. Yeah. Well, and then, so I go, if I pay you guys, you'll leave, right?

They go, yeah. So they left. The next day, I called B of A, and I said, hey, I paid these girls, and the services weren't rendered. They took it off my bill, and their pimp tried to threaten me. I'm like, I'll come with me. What did he say? How'd he get a hold of you?

Well, they'd have my information. But here's the funny part, right? So so the next day it's like four hours it's like nine in the morning my boss from that tv show calls me up because a friend of mine was there we forgot she was dancing on top of a table fell smacked her head she was dancing on a glass table fell smacked her head he calls me up i'll leave his name out of it. He goes, Bartnick, come over here and get this dead hooker out of my room. See the sweet? Went in there and I threw a little water.

Come on, get up. You're okay. Get up. You gotta go. We gotta leave. Thank God she wasn't dead. She fell, hit her head, and it was just out for the rest of the day. I don't know exactly what happened. I had my her head, and it was just out for the rest. I don't know exactly what happened. I had my own problems. But it's a funny phone call to get.

Wait, this happened to you? Or was that movie Very Bad Things? You know I don't see any movies. It's completely true. I'm my grandmother and my kid. Completely, 100% true. Okay. All right.

Dude, like, only Joe would go, only Joe would hear, get this dead hooker out of my room and go, it's kind of a weird call to get. It's a little early. It's not even noon yet. What are you calling me? I thought you had an emergency. Joe shows up like Harvey Keitel, the cleaner. He's got a tuxedo on.

Oh, that's all you had to say. No, the cleaner. He's got a tuxedo on. Oh, that's all you had to say. No, the funniest thing is that Joe just goes, you know, we got some strippers there. We figured, get a couple hookers, lighten the mood. Yeah, how are the strippers bringing you down? Well, strippers are strippers. But, you know, hookers are hookers. You know the difference.

I know that. I'm just saying, you know. Oh, God. Okay. I should have saved some of these for the Bartnik podcast. Bury him in the second half of an episode of this. I got one for you guys. You got something that follows that story?

Get this dead hooker out of my hotel room? No, mine is actually about dogs. So maybe I should skip this week. Skip this story. Get this dead hooker out of my hotel room. No, mine is actually about dogs. So maybe I should skip this week. Skip this story. No. I think, dude, speaking of spending and if my wife hears this, it's going to be a problem. So don't cut this clip. But my wife won't listen. I think I'm going to surprise the family with a with a dog for Christmas. I think I'm going to surprise the family with a dog for Christmas. And I spoke to somebody who listens to the podcast, and they're a breeder. And let's just say, oh, it's going to be a big one. Yeah. So what I'm going to do is – How much does it weigh?

It's a great day. It's got to be a great day. It's a very, very big dog. And it's one of the biggest dogs ever. So what I'm going to do is, and hopefully it goes through with who I'm speaking with, but either way, I'm going to have one of these puppies for Christmas. What kind of dog is it? A Great Dane.

You can't rest in peace. Wait, you're going to surprise your family with a Great Dane. You got a dog and a cat. Yeah here's the thing though the great thing puppy's like this big so i'll have some time yeah well six weeks blue eyes yeah it's gonna have cute blue eyes the one i pulled up last week was like three months old and it was sitting on a couch i love it it's good timing though because lloyd's still young. Because let me tell you, at my house, they're about 95% total friends now. But it took a while because Rube is the old lady. The old lady has the power behind the throne.

She controls my wife. She controls Rosie, my German shepherd. It's so hilarious. Rube will make a noise. Rosie will know what she means. And Rosie will bother my wife. Like, oh, it's time to go out. It's time to do this.

I'm just saying, Paul, like, I don't know about that. Dude, that's like, those Great Danes, that's like an NBA center. You know, that 7'2", and they're like, you know, I was 6 feet tall by the time I was in the third grade. That's what you got with the Great Danes. You're going to show up with...

You got to run, Paul. You got to run that dog. Dude, I got the yard, man. I got to run, Paul. You got to run that dog. Dude, I got the yard, man. I got the yard for it. You got to run that dog? Verzi ain't running. No, I ain't running. Verzi will run to get a bet in. That's the only time you'll see Verzi.

Verzi will run to get a bet in. He'll run to get a stick before the thing closed. Verzi is not running to run. He'll run to gate C35. Fight the Detroit. From TSA, it's a three-minute run. Verzi is not running to run.

Well, why would you, though? It's a smart move. Running is stupid. Paul, did you budget the food for that thing? Do you have a fence? Dude, that thing's as big as a deer. You can't tie it down my parents had one before I was born

and like you can't even even if you just want to keep it contained like they'll pull out anything they're smart dogs though yeah and I heard they're like the biggest sweethearts and they're fucking great with families and I have the yard for it do you have the house for it

you know I'm working on that Do you have the house for it? You know, I'm working on that. I think I'm going to get another house too. Permits? You're sick of Giannis already? Wait, you're going to buy this? So now you've got to get a new house? Because you've got this dog?

It's not coming in. A little to the right. There you go. Oh my God. That's adorable. i thought about that today if i was uh but those things are like child stars they're cute when they're kids and then all of a sudden they get older no one wants to work with them paul you're gonna bring a name you're gonna let the kids name it uh i don't know look this is one a different color look at this fucking

thing put it in front of the tan ones are beautiful yeah no they're gorgeous dude listen i would be psyched. If my wife came home with a great day and I would be fucked. I would be, I love dogs, though. I like wrestling with them or something. Look at this last one. Look at this mopey look at this last one. I mean, dude, what's not to like?

Yeah. I mean, I fucking love those. I love dogs, dude. That's why I always think, like, you know those rich people that shoot themselves in the space that's so selfish if I had all that money I would just buy every pound oh I mean and not like let the dogs all live forever they're all my dogs

wouldn't that be great save all the dogs or take all that money and go up in the space for 10 minutes yeah I don't understand like I haven't no why would you want to do that? I mean, just by yourself? Just to say... And then you're only up there for 10 minutes.

Yeah, it's... You gotta get the ball rolling. It's like flight, right? It took a little bit. Somebody's like, I ain't going up in that thing. Then 30 years later, everybody's traveling, right?

So it's like, you gotta get the ball rolling. But you don't want to be the guy that buys the first flat screen TV and it's fucking 15 grand. Yeah, yeah. yeah haven't we done enough haven't human beings done enough to fucking entertain themselves jesus fucking christ you gotta i don't know what whatever you're gonna do what do i know about you see what elon musk said they came out and said that with with elon musk's wealth they could cure world hunger so he said i'll put down six billion dollars if you put a plan together he was basically calling him out because he knows

they're not gonna have a plan to like end world hunger because that you know fucks up the plan but he's like yeah i'll write a check yeah because the thing is that money doesn't go where it's said it's gonna go that's what he's saying that's a great answer yeah like yeah because people are full of shit that charity money nobody sees the best charity to give to dude is to saint jude's children's cancer hospital because those kids don't have any bills their parents don't have any bills and they get the best treatment that's where you should fucking donate money to saint jude's dude because you know where it's going not just not some fucking you know even that even that i don't even trust those fucking pita people though the lover the animal lovers that they they're all full of shit, too.

We had a guy wrote in to us saying I was going to get rid of my cigars at home because I'm just smoking too much. I'd rather have to go out to go get one. And they had a thing where you could donate them, and they'd send them over to the troops. It's like, which ones? My shit ones? If I send you a couple of Cubans, those aren't making it over there.

Dutch masters are going to be in Kuwait tomorrow. That was my reference. Yeah. There'll be a fucking pilgrim on the cigar band. And Anita the Pinta and Santa Maria. Swish of tips. Yeah. What's that guy's name in Houston?

Joel Olsteen? Yes. That guy's living in like a Tony Montana. Dude, if your pastor is driving a Ferrari, if your pastor has a compound and a fucking Ferrari like that, you gotta question where that money's going. Dude, if your pastor

tells his mass each week with a fucking Houston Rockets shoes to play, I respect that guy as an entertainer, man. That guy moves tickets. He plays in a home game arena every fucking week. He's got new shit every week on how Jesus likes you and what the fuck you want to do when he's coming out there. I think, you know, he's closing his eyes.

I think he's trying to, like, remember, like, I need a new angle here. You said the last time, you said he squints so much because he can't even believe the bullshit that's coming out of his mouth. He doesn't want to see the face. Do they believe in this shit? God wants you. He wants you to be as fat as you are. He wants you to drive that truck, whatever the hell it is. Remember that

Wayne's Brothers movie, Don't Be a Menace to South Sea? He goes, don't ask how come or why come past to have to have him a nice car or why come, how come past to have to have him a nice house? He goes, don't pastor have to have him a nice house he goes don't ask any questions just give for money by the way dude keenan ivory reigns underrated his comedy spoofs dude incredible that dude's a fucking animal man yeah you know he's a beast

and he created in living color which was fucking dude in living color has some of the most epic i know that it's obviously doesn't have the run snl had throughout history but And he created In Living Color, which was fucking... Dude, In Living Color has some of the most epic... I know that it obviously doesn't have the run SNL had throughout history, but did you ever see some of those old... Dude, I was going to say, Marlon Wayans. Marlon Wayans being that old black dude when the guy comes by trick-or-treating, he says he's too old.

That fucking front kick. Did you see that on Instagram? Somebody turned that into... Oh, my God. He was motherfucking too fucking old. He just fucking just kicks this guy. Look how he did it for just kicks this guy literally did it for real and when he did it he threw his head all the way back it was fucking hilarious

hey that 50 shades of black movie is hilarious no they do and when the scary movie thing all of yeah yeah dude yeah dude they're like the kennedys they're like the kennedys of entertainment there's every time you think like the last one has along, there's another one coming along with a movie or something like that. There's like 9,000 Kennedy's. That was the point of that reference. Remember Damon Wayans and David... No, I'm sorry. Yeah, Damon Wayans and David Alan Greer did the movie Critics.

And any time it was like a manly movie, it was like, hey, did it. That was hilarious. Couldn't do that one. Couldn't do that one. Couldn't do that one now, right? Oh, no. Not even fucking remotely. What shows,

let's do this real quick on the show. What shows could never be today? Would they do Married with Children today or no? Yeah, he's the idiot. So it passes that test. I know, but she's kind of slutty i don't know if they would do that um yeah but that is the dead i mean they always the sitcom is always the guy's married and he's dumb and she's smart he's a big stupid lug and she's hot and for some reason he doesn't make any fucking money yet she still married him it's it just constantly reminds

you that you're watching a show they wouldn't want they christina applegate played like the ditzy blonde who was hot that that wouldn't go yeah i think that would go there's still ditzy broads on tv that's television what about um right i mean that samson yeah because it's all black people it's not like they don't like when it's intermixing the people when like, oh my god, you can't say that to him. Like, Mr. Jefferson and Willis, that wouldn't be

going on. Oh, with the white guy upstairs? Yeah, and he comes down like, Willie, you dumb honky. And then he's making fun of him, married to the black lady somebody gave you know what i mean like that wouldn't be on television somebody gave me the best uh one of the best archie bunker quotes i heard the other day he goes i go down to the airport and there's harry krishnas

are down there banging on their tangerines there harry krishnas banging on their tangerines yeah all of that shit like i don't know i don't know a lot of a lot of this stuff you couldn't but i i think we got to wrap up because the other the other podcast coming and we how much time we done we're good anytime um the best was lamont was our driver and i just kept thinking of sanford and son oh yeah like the best sanford's ever which they could never do, is whenever they thought they saw Fred Sanford coming out of a gay bar,

so then Lamont was scared, so then he went to get the gay bar, and then they saw Lamont coming out of the gay bar. And it was all just like, that freaks cut me, like, oh, you're gay, you're gay, you're not gay.

Bob, I thought you were gay. Oh, Lamont, I thought you were gay. Like, that was the best episode. End of episode. No, Grady was one of my favorites Grady like you know those guys were all stand up comics all the guys that were playing

in Red Fox hooked all of them up and they just were like they were just all so seasoned I just love the old school comics and stuff how they could just take their time like silence didn't scare them and they just waited for that perfect old school comics and stuff, how they could just take their time.

Like, silence didn't scare them, and they just waited for that perfect, and just bam, bam, bam. Everything's overhand right, overhand left with comics from back then. I felt like people would do... Wait, so the guy who played Sanford's son was a stand-up? No, no, no, no. I think

all of Fred's friends, I'm not sure about Grady, but all of those other guys. I forget their names and stuff. Yeah, Lamont was a son. I think Lamont was an actor. Grady was definitely a stand-up. Grady was a comedian. And Esther was a stand-up.

Old school from the Chitlin circuit. Oh, she was the best. Fred Sanford, you old, whatever the hell she would say. Yeah, you couldn't have him coming on talking about how ugly she was. Oh, and him faking a heart attack every week. Every week, acting like he was going into cardiac arrest. You couldn't do that. I'm coming, I'm coming.

But here's the thing. Everybody still thinks that shit's hilarious. It's just like corporate lawyers or whatever. That's what I'm gonna say. Here's the thing, Paul. I don't run a TV network and I don't look at analytics. And I'm saying, that's what the fuck it is. Well, guys, this has been a perfect place to end. Episode 40.

I want to thank our guest, the great Joe Bartnik. Joe, can't wait to see you when I'm in town. Please like and subscribe and get anything better. Everywhere you get podcasts like iTunes and Spotify. Please continue to go to our merch shop, which we can't thank you guys enough for all the T-shirts and sweatshirts. Yeah, links are in the description. Yeah, Bill's wearing it now. Everybody is taking pictures with the tie-dye ones, loving them.

So thank you guys so much for that. Thanksgiving weekend, guys. Only two days, Friday, Saturday, November 26th, 27th. I'll be in Bridgeport, Connecticut at the Stress Factory. So you could get tickets for that this weekend. I'll be at Skank Fest in Houston. And I'm doing something for the New York Comedy Festival co-headlining with Brett Ernst. Me and Brett Ernst will be co-headlining New York Comedy Club on November 8th. Chains out. Chains out. Brett said it's going to be the best smelling comedy show ever.

So we're going heavy cologne, heavy chains. Make sure you get, obviously, tickets to Burr's tour anywhere you see. Joe, you got anything coming up people could come and see you at? Yeah, I'm doing the Fourth World Friday, the Ha Ha Saturday. I'm going to be, you know, come see me, man. I don't know. I'm going to be with Florentine and Jameson at a pre-Thanksgiving spectacular in Bethlehem. Nice, nice.

So check out all of Joe Barton's stages. There'll be some ACDC playing that car ride. Dude, Jim Florentine's, the prank calls, I was listening to one the other day. He was talking to this oil guy. And, you know, what happens when you get a dry hole? I don't want a dry hole. I was listening to one the other day. He was talking to this oil guy. What happens when you get a dry hole? I don't want a dry hole. I like a wet hole. Oh, yeah, we definitely get... And the guy kept going, oil.

Last hole we dug. We got some oil. That poor guy wanted to get off the phone with him. Remember that poor guy wanted to get off the phone with him? He said he only had a certain amount of time to live. And he tried selling stuff, but the guy didn't want to get off. He's like, yeah, I got a stapler. You need a stapler?

The guy's like, no, man, listen, dude, I really got to get you a lamp. He's like, listen, dude, I really got to go. Yeah, I know, but I got to get rid of this stuff. It's brutal. That is it, guys, for Anything Better, episode 40. We'll be back next week. Enjoy our picks. that is it guys for anything better

episode 40 we'll be back next week enjoy our picks hopefully we get the Monday night special for you guys which you guys have already here talk to you guys soon we are out of here thanks for having me ladies alright we'll see you next week episode 41 Thank you.