Anything Better? - Water Slide Suicide

Episode Date: September 4, 2021

Is there Anything Better than Bill & Paul talking about leaving a mess of brain?

What's up everybody and welcome back to the best podcast on planet earth it's the anything better podcast with myself Paul Berzy, Bill Burr, producer extraordinaire looking like an Abercrombie and Finch model over there. Andrew Themlis sitting in his, oh, you're a good looking Greek. You know it, Andrew. Come on, that fucking Celtics hat's not fooling anybody. From his studio in Beverly Hills. Ladies and gentlemen, you guys are listening to Anything Better's 31st episode.

That's right, guys. We are on number 31. I can only think of one man. And I know there's a couple that are in my head, but Jason Sehorne of the New York Giants was a defensive back who was, I believe, was 31. That's the only one that comes to mind. What do you guys got? Dude, I had it all fucking queued up. Where the hell did it go? God damn it. I was surprised. Okay. I got gotta do every fucking goddamn greatest athletes to wear number 31 i got it all right i got it there we go i was surprised

that somebody who was not uh who was not on the list so my first two thoughts were wilbert montgomery fred marion and then i was like, wait a minute. Cedric Cornbread Maxwell. Get on my back. And he brought us number 14 in 1981. For some reason, he is not on the list. But here we go. Best people ever.

Oh, he's a great one. Hall of Famers, give you a starting point. Donnie Shell from the Steel Curtain. Curtain, sorry. Jim Taylor. Jack Tatum. Jack the Assassin Tatum, Ace Parker, and Mike Malaski. That sounds like one of those Depression era ones. Oh, no, it's Mike Malaski. Aaron Glenn, Frank Minifield.

I remember Aaron Glenn, okay. Marcus Robertson. Kevin Ross. Jamal Lewis. This is a tough one. Yep. Joe Fortunato. Wilbur Montgomery's there.

Priest Holmes. Priest Holmes is a good one. Here's a great one that a lot of people don't know because he got injured early on. For the Atlanta Falcons, William Andrews, Brock Marion, Brandon Merriweather, Antonio Cromartie. Fred Marion made the list. Roy Williams, Mike Harden, Al Horace, Cortland Finnegan, Doug Klein, Cam Chancellor. Paul, this is like slim, thick pickings. No Jason Sehorne?

Jason Sehorne is there. Gary Ellis. Charlie Haraway. 20. After 20, it's like we got to – because it's like – I guess 25. All right, here's a good one, Paul. Benny Barnes. What a great name.

That's a great name. Benny Barnes. Benny Barnes. Benny Barnes was fucking drinking after every game I didn't even have to you don't have to know him to know like ah

Benny went out again that Benny was drinking Benny Blanco from the Bronx Paul I wore a college shirt for you this week oh nice you know

little golf shirt pretending I respect the game and those who play it no I do respect the game I respect those who play it at a professional level, and I respect those who actually go out and don't cheat when they're scoring. Shout out to Vanna White from Wheel of Fortune.

She has been saying forever that she was going to break 100. She finally did it. She shot a 96. Good for her and shows you what kind of a quality person she is that she said she was going to did it. She shot a 96. Good for her. And, and shows you what kind of a quality person she is. Yeah. That said, she said she was going to do it. It took all of these years and she never,

she never cheated on her. You know what? Counting her shots. 10% of golfers, I believe, or 15% of golfers break a hundred. And last year I broke it every time. 10% of golfers have been to Epstein Island.

You guys are a bunch of fucking animals. Bankers and oilmen. Yeah. All right. I'm just talking about golf here. Paul, don't get mad because you didn't get the invite. Hey, I would just go there for a peek. I would just say, hey, what's going on over here?

Okay. I would never fucking. Dude dude getting on that plane even not knowing would be fucking weird if you just saw like there's no way if a guy has an island full of kids that he's fucking you're not feeling a vibe getting on that plane that's what i mean like you don't even get on a plane dude no you know if they're if i'm a single guy and it's all adults out there having things, you know, then I'll take a peek. But, you know, just, you know, no, I'm just saying, like, if it was all people like adults, 40s and 50s, and they were all having a little come down and do some drugs, do some drinking. I'd be like, I'll take a peek. There is no fucking way I'm going to an orgy island.

If you can't, how do I get out? How do I get out, Paul? That just sounds like, and that's not affiliated with any country. I'm just saying this is all consenting adults here, which who's kidding who? None of that shit's ever consenting, Paul. There's rich people and people who need money, always.

There's not a bunch of hot people out there that want to bang old guys on an island it just doesn't exist it's people that have rent you know no but what i'm saying washed away in a hurricane what i'm saying is if you're a 50 year old single man and not some russian chick was like you come i play with you yeah i'd be like all right let's go have a couple drinks see what happens that's all just i mean let's see what happens you know i'm not i'm not i'm 50 i'm single if i was 50 and single and they were like i know but paul you wouldn't know that she was an escort i wouldn't be like hey bill this chick's throwing nothing but fastballs

you go paul it's a whore island it's it's an island she's a whore yo i'd call you up and be like dude they're real friendly on this island bill You go, Paul, it's a whore island. It's an island. She's a whore. Yo, I'd call you up and be like, dude, they're real friendly on this island, Bill. I went to Paris. No, seriously. I dropped like seven pounds before I got here. And these broads, they're noticing. Dude, I went parasailing. This chick started grabbing my pants.

I was like, what's going on out here? It's fucking unbelievable. I think I might jet ski tomorrow. No, but, dude, I got to tell you something. When you break 100 in golf, it feels good, dude. It feels good. When you shoot 97 and you were, like, always shooting 105s and 110s, it feels good.

Shout out to Vanna White. Good for her, man. Paul, I shoot 105 the front nine. Front nine, I got a 104 yeah i do and i'm proud of it i played with you you didn't seem that bad uh you're the type of guy if you get see this is the thing with you if you gave a fuck and played once a week for like six months you'd get good you just there's no reason for me to go to a golf course because all the fun reasons to go there i can't do anymore i know i can't drink i can't smoke i can't eat the

fucking steak and cheese or whatever they have there i gotta be like this fucking good boy standing in the sun lathering a bunch of shit all over my face i know i'd be like bill let's do a heater before we tee off on seven come on i got some johnny you'd be like nah i can't I'd be like, Bill, let's do a heater before we tee off on seven. Come on. I got some Johnny. You'd be like, nah, I can't. I'd be like, ah, fuck. All right. Dude, if I'm not stumbling by the 13th hole, I'm not golfing. That's how I look at it. Remember Bartnick said I looked like I was fucking a contractor collecting money because

I had jeans and a fucking, I had a fucking, I had an Adidas zip up with jeans on. Bartnick goes, you look like you're talking about housing out here oh that was the impromptu golf game we had yeah yeah that was back in the day paul back in the day when you could uh actually i'm back out on the road i don't give a anymore people just gonna do whatever they're gonna do i gotta make money it i went out i went out to florida pa. I went into the DMZ, dude. I went right into the belly of the beast. I came in. I got out. Nothing happened to me. I was fine. Good. I stayed in my room, Paul. Stayed in my room and I just watched endless

YouTube videos until it was time for the show. I came down. I teased them. They had a great sense of humor. We had a great time. I got my money and I got the fuck out of there. That's how I look at it now. Yeah, I'm done. That's it. It's like you put your mask on, you go by the rules, you go do your fucking thing. Whatever happens, happens. That's it. Yeah, that's it. I'm done. I'm done, too. It's like, that's it. Fuck it, dude. No, people want to fucking just be idiots. Let them be idiots. But my thing is they shouldn't treat them. That's where I take it. Like, I don't listen to the doctors. But then don't go to them when you get sick.

Well, somebody said something to me and I know people get sensitive about this, but I you know me. I stick to my guns and I'm fucking reasonable, like I said. So I'm going to say it because I don't give a fuck. All right. I'm doing the Wilbur Theater, October 22nd. Some people reached out going, Paul, do we had a big party coming to see you? But unfortunately, we're not going to be able to make it because we either need to be vaccinated or have a negative test. So stupid me jokingly, I go, oh, man, I appreciate you guys coming support. I go, just so you know, a rapid test

is five minutes. But anyway, thanks. And then he's like, yeah. And then people were just going like, yeah, it's not about that. It's not about that. And it's just like, I can't look, man, I'm not telling you what to do with your body, but you know, I think if you want to go see a comedian that you like, and you want to take either a test or whatever. I just love the duality of them appreciating the sacrifices soldiers make in fighting for this country. They're willing to do that, and they're not willing to put a fucking mask on and get a vaccine.

It's the funniest shit ever to me. And then they're sitting there acting like they're patriotic. It's like, you're a selfish cunt who wants cheap gas. That's who you are. That's all you are. Fuck all of that, dude. I got something right here is there anything better than one of these what is that a stress that's a fucking clown nose you

put on one of these you're closing joke no this is uh it's fucking hard as shit right when you're old like me dude you put this against the wall no i need fucking go like that i'm telling you like the middle of my back, I do dishes now, you know, because I'm progressive. Actually, because I'm neater than my wife. So, you know,

I always lose the waiting game. You know, she can wait me out with the dishes. So like by the time I'm done with it, my back is fucking killing me. And then the next day, it's going to be another thing. Whoa, sorry.

Just hit that there. You fucking use one of these things, man. I'm telling you, old people, after you're done trimming your balls and your back hurts, Paul, I'm telling you. Yeah. Listen, I have the gun. No, I have the gun that has the ball. That gun stinks. The gun stinks. You're just sitting. That thing fucking stinks. It makes you feel good. It makes you feel like you're doing something no unless you're up against the wall you're not getting in there it's like

somebody's fucking elbow paw nothing is better sideways nothing is better than a professional massage like the hand getting in between the shoulder blades and finding the knot oh yeah oh it hurts but it's it's great dude it hurts man but it's great It's great, dude. It hurts, man. But it's great. It's great, man. Oh, no, dude. I didn't get a massage for like the first 45 years of my life. And it's taken me five years to kind of get everything all fucking aligned again.

Like, dude, when she was doing my calves, I swear to God. Yeah. I was coming up off the table. I was like, yeah. It was fucking. She goes, well, what does it feel like? I go go it feels like there's a ball of hornets in there and you just keep fucking punching them and then they're stinging me dude there was like in one of my calves on the inside back it was like i don't know what happened just over the years so uh you know i've learned she's like okay i'm on just in

the top layer then they get to the middle layer and then all the way down once they get down to the bone. Yeah. It takes it takes a fucking while when when the masseuse hits the bone in the area that they're doing hard. It is. I don't care how fucking tough you are. It fucking hurts. And I had she was probably like 30 years old and she goes are you okay it's just like there's like a tear coming down and you just as a man it feels so weird to be like can you ease up fucking i can't say it so i just fucking sat there and i took this pain but um i have this thing with like my foot you ever like sit down for a while and like your right foot or one of your feet gets like falls asleep? Yeah, it's a circulation issue.

Is it? Yeah. What do they do for that? Well, what I've learned to do is because I would start when I first got my sciatic nerve issue. This is going to be the old guy episode. When I got my sciatic nerve issue, I'd be playing drums and all of a sudden like one of my feet would go numb yeah you start getting all like tingling you can't fucking play so um that's when i met this i got this jedi she's like fucking she's been doing it forever strong as hell and uh my drum teacher actually introduced me to her because he was going through

the same thing and what i learned is uh they can work all of that out it was just my legs but they were all just fucking schmutzed up as she says all glued up and stuff and um like every time you get hit and all of that type of stuff you know falling down playing or your brother hits you 20 years later or something like it could be like a problem and like the muscle fibers are supposed to move like that and when they get hit they do this i don't know and then this shit grows over it that's when you get stiff so if you work on if you get like a great masseuse that can work that shit out and you stretch a lot yeah like i find uh stretching and all of these types of things these things are fucking unbelievable dude no dude rolling around on a ball i get it like i know this is some old

man shit but you know me like i didn't think i would do it when you're young i wish i did this shit when i was like because the amount of like the problems that i've been having with my shoulders paul took me out of the gym people miss me people loved the display i used to put on paul i used to have to fucking the 245s i'd bring it down i'd put it it up. I'd make the noise. Dude, I'm getting all that shit. People miss that, dude. They miss it. They miss watching you walk in and putting on an absolute clinic. An absolute body lifting fucking clinic.

No, it's all me. I miss it. I miss being able to, you know. Is anything funnier than the guy with the light brown belt for the back support, but he's fucking jacked and he's never on a machine he's walking around with the cut off gloves i miss those guys every gym has that guy i miss those guys i don't understand why you have to dress like a marvel superhero to work out everybody walking around with their genitals outlined like i don't fucking get why like like men can't man spread yeah but you can go to the

gym wearing some fucking spider-man outfit with your fucking junk hanging to the right of the it's just like it's like what are we doing here dude me and bartnick went wait just explain to me paul how does that make you work out better by having that dumb ass spandex you're trying to show off what you got yeah it's like uh it's like you know you get prepared they feel like they're fucking like you know when rambo puts the fucking rambo puts the bullets across his chest and the black under his like everything has a fucking unify why can't you just ride a bicycle now why do you got to dress like lance armstrong yeah why do you need all of that shit you're just doing it for exercise i know i know

you know you guys going out on the golf course with your fucking pga outfits on i don't do that i just wear i wear just a shirt comfortable pants and that's it like i don't fucking i don't even wear a visor or anything but you know i've never seen you with a silly golf outfit no i just wear i wear like a shirt like you're wearing now comfortable pants and sometimes i just wear like a pair of like air max instead of putting on golf shoes and i just go and play so i look like i look like i'm in golf clothes but i don't look like an asshole like bartnick calls those what are the golf what are the golf shoes do like why do you need cleats no they have they're not cleats they just have little things so when you turn so like if you're taking if you're driving and the grass is moist

your your thing like because if your plant leg basically i'm righty so if my right leg when i swing moves the ball is all over the place so So that just kind of keeps you in the ground. You can't blow out your leg, right? Yeah, it's just better. You don't want to swing and all of a sudden slip and you're fucking tear a meniscus because it was wet. I'm not fucking doing that. Nobody screams like a banker.

You know, they never had a fight in their fucking life that didn't involve a pen and a piece of paper. That's bullshit now i'm gonna get some angry banker that takes fucking mma what um no bartnick called those bikers dressing up like spider-man but dude me and bartnick were with you in canada and you know me and him dude let's go to a steam so we go downstairs in one of these hotels they go we don't have a steam but there's a local gym across the street you could get a guest pass from us and go in there and dude we went in there and it was like rusty lockers the floor was filthy and it was gross and we got these lockers with no locks it was it was so not what i want you know me dude i want to be walking around on fucking white marble and a white robe and shit.

Have fucking gold fucking toothpicks and shit. A couple of lions on either side when they go to open the door. Complimentary slippers. The whole fucking deal. So we go there and it's awful. And dude, we're sitting in this little fucking thing that's gross and this dude comes in must have been 25 between 25 and 30 stark naked still sneakers on with this fucking dick and bun he just goes yeah guys you got to put some water on the rocks and dude i'm sitting

there and everyone's looking around bartnick and I just looked at each other. This dude was naked but had sneakers on. Dude, it was the grossest. I said to Joe, I go, dude, we got to get the fuck out of here, dude. And I tiptoed to my rusty locker and I got my shit and left. It was one of the most disgusting opposite of- Dude, there's a fucking, there is an age of men who don't give a a fuck i don't know what the age is it's a little bit older than me i was right on the cusp of those old school guys that would just could be naked around each other and just didn't give a fuck i would say like that age it's it's now like, maybe it wasn't close to me. Maybe it's like 70.

That generation. Like, dude, those guys, the greatest generation, the World War II guys, like those people, like they just walked around naked in a locker room. Yeah, but there's two types of guys that do that, Bill. There's the guy that's naked but legit drying himself and trying to wrap it up. And then there's the guy like one leg up with his balls out, like, like wanting he's either fucking like into it or like he wants to,

it's some sort of weird thing. No, I think he's so heterosexual. He doesn't even realize what he's doing. He doesn't realize that his balls are fucking. Hey, they just don't. They played organized sports. He doesn't even realize what he's doing. He doesn't realize that his balls are fucking hanging. He's talking to me. They just don't.

They played organized sports. Dude, when I was a kid, dude, when we took gym class, there was like three giant showers, and you just all fucking went in there. Dude, when you got next period, just fucking. They were just naked. That's fucking. Yeah, see, I didn't ever. I mean, yeah, i was at the tail end

of that so it didn't seem like i remember the first week we had to do it we were all laughing hysterically because only five guys had the balls to do it then by the second week no one gave a shit because you didn't want to go back to school all fucking like sweaty but what was funny is the girls locker room had all individual showers and us the guys animals just go in there yeah fucking we'll hose you down it's manscaped everybody attention listeners across the galaxy all the way from australia to houston do you do we have a pube problem not anymore uh if so our friends at manscaped have cleared you for takeoff with their fourth generation and brand new lawnmower 4.0 uh kick your pubes to the next planet with the performance

package 4.0 the orbits in your pants will feel like you're give your balls a fade. The orbits in your pants will feel like you're in zero gravity when you use the best tools for the job from the leaders in male grooming. Join the 2 million men worldwide who trust Manscaped and get their rocket ready for takeoff. That's a lot of smooth scrotums out there, Paul. You never know. By going to manscape.com for 20 off plus free shipping with the code better uh i used this thing i'm not gonna lie

they finally sent me one of these things and i was always cutting my balls with the other one paul you're one of the hairiest people on the planet no i'm not that hairy come on paul yeah your back has a five o'clock shadow by 2 p.m if i blow it out you're a greek and sicilian paul jesus christ why do you think they keep fucking spotting bigfoot huh because guys like you are going shirtless down at the beach uh ready for ready for an out of world experience fellas look no further than the performance package 4.0 from manscaped that has just taken off in not only the u.s but canada the uk across europe australia south africa and singapore uh inside the, you'll find their lawnmower 4.0 trimmer. Singapore? Yeah.

Why not? It must be the bankers. Because when you think of hairy people, I don't think of Singapore. I think of like Greek, Italian. This is their balls, dude. Everyone's got hair on their balls. You may not have it on the body, but everyone's got some on their fucking sack. I have normal amounts on my body, Paul.

I don't have like, you know, Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your chest hair. I could tie my pubes to my fucking big toe. All right. Hold on a second. All right. It's like. Oh, I'll tell you, I'm hairy. I could go jump rope on my dick hair.

OK, stop it. Let let's go all right um weed whacker ear and nose hair trimmer uh crop preserver ball deodorant uh crop retriever toner performance boxer briefs and a travel bag to hold your whole solar system. First scheduled for liftoff, new lawnmower 4.0 trimmer. This spaceship is here to guide you on a journey to trim your body, balls, butt, and even uranus. This fourth generation trimmer also features cutting edge ceramic blade to reduce grooming accidents. Thanks to their advanced skin safe technology, the Lawn Mower 4.0 has a 7,000 RPM motor. Okay. Jesus, that's a lot of RPMs around your goods.

Yeah, but they got that protection, dude. No cuts. A new multifunction on-off switch can engage a travel lock and even waterproof. Okay, the Lawn Mower 4.0 also has a 4,000K LED spotlight. I guess you're trimming in the dark. I mean, these guys are going fucking in. LED spotlight, you can turn on it. Paul, go to the end. god they they're like they're reading

the whole fucking service manual here we got it the thing's got a miner's light on it yeah you can go from the tip of your dick to the inside of your ass we're good we got it yes for more precise shave throughout your travels across the universe performance package 4.0 also includes a weed whacker. It's like having a little astronaut to chop your worst weeds up top in your nose and ear. Get to the website, Paul. I swear to God, they're going to fall asleep. All right. Too much coffee. All right. Get 20% off free shipping with the code BETTER at manscaped.com. Guys, just trim up your nose, trim up your ear, your balls, your ass. This is the best thing. You won't get cut.

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start feeling better with this single message. If you don't want to repeat the abuse that happened to you, go to Talkspace, match with a licensed therapist when you go to Talkspace.com and get $100 off your first month with the promo code ANYTHINGBETTER. So I remember when I've gone on the road, though, is that whole taking a steam or like a sauna is like a culture in some places. And, dude, like I forget where where i was it was like coed like naked oh yeah and i was so then if you go in with the towel you feel like a pervert like yeah like you're hiding some fucking uh woodrow wilson underneath there there paulie so i was like where the fuck was I? Oh, you told me.

Yeah, where was it? It wasn't Germany because you were there. No, I was there. You told me what happened because I missed. So we talked that day and I go, dude, I'm going for a steam or you said I'm going for a steam. And one of us was like, gotta go later i gotta go later it was germany it was germany it was germany because i had a buddy of mine that plays drums over there came by and i was talking about he was laughing go yeah you know because he went the other he was telling me he went with his girlfriend and his buddy showed up and he was like it was my

new girlfriend he's looking at my girlfriend naked and i was thinking like huh this kid but they just grew up like that dude i came walking in i'll never forget i looked up and there was it was just like a naked woman and then a guy was laying down next to him it just it was just like and i just you know made a walked over that when it came out of steam and it was just more naked people dude it was like it was so when i walked i just walked in i just had the towel holding the towel like in front of me so i looked like i was gonna hang it up and then i just sort of sat down i just kind of sitting like this just like and then i started

dude i started laughing because i was thinking about telling you. And now I'm in there and there's a bunch of naked people. And I'm trying not to fucking laugh. I think I was in there for about seven minutes. I had to get out of there. But like, but yeah, for the rest of that tour, I was saying like, hey, this steam thing is this is this co-ed? Is this like this fully naked dude there was another place i went to when i was over there that had a uh that had this giant fucking thing that you you

climb up the thing and it was ice cold water it was like an ice bath it almost looked like that rogan isolation tank that you would go up into i don't think i had the balls to go into that thing because i don't want to be like screaming if it was like too fucking cold but that is something i would have been like yeah you know when i go in the shower the cold shower dude i can't handle it i think i would have blocked it out i would have tried to anyways but i would actually i'd be interested in that that's such a guy thing too that you get into like sub-zero water and you're not allowed to make a noise like it's cold if you do that means you're not a man i don't like that

i don't like that whole thing about the naked and here's why has nothing to do with heterosexual homosexual what i don't like is like we go out in life and everybody has clothes on when you're on an airplane nobody's got their shit out so don't act like i'm a little fucked up if i walk and everyone's dick is out titties are fucking jumping around and i gotta act like it's not fucking different or weird it's like did anybody ever tell you that you're weird no but did you just no but you know those people that are like oh well you know like you were saying before people are either oh beast what's wrong paul you can't but what are you you're either immature because you know, like you were saying before, people are either, oh, what's wrong, Paul? You're either immature because you're laughing like a little kid or you're not secure with your sexual.

And it's like, no, there's a guy with his balls out and there's a chick running around with her tits out. It's like that's not normal in everyday life to just have that. And now I'm supposed to be something. You feel like you came, you just missed the orgy and everyone's just chilling out afterwards. Like two seconds before everyone was fucking and then you came, you just missed the orgy. And everyone's just chilling out afterwards. Like two seconds before, everyone was fucking. And then you came walking in like, oh. Yeah, everybody's like all relieved. And everybody had a great time. And you just show up.

I'll tell you, you know what sucks, though, is those new fucking sauna. A sauna, actually, I've come around. I like a sauna better than a steam. Speaking of Rogan, he was the one telling me with the dry heat you can go a lot hotter what you said something once on the road we were joking and we were like imagine if we were just so open about it just like hey man nice dick like there are guys that could just do that man i just find it weird but i'm sorry go ahead you would say a sauna is better yeah because it can be hotter or whatever but now they got these new

ones dude they're like microwaves they cook you from the inside out i went in one one time and i just didn't feel right afterwards like those things are just wrong i stayed in a sauna a long time and i felt weird too. I felt like, I feel like with the steam, you just take as much as you could take your sweating and then you're done and you feel great and rejuvenated a sauna. It's like, I feel like it's more dangerous, dude. I don't know why I can get harder, but I like the heat coming from the outside, cooking me from the outside in, not from the inside out. Then I feel like I'm in like, uh, in a microwave or something.

I did that one time, and I came out of there. I was fucking dizzy. Obviously, I stayed in too long, but I'm like, there's no fucking way. This is healthy. There was all these infrared lights and shit. Yeah. Yeah. I felt like I had cancer, and they were treating it, or they were giving me cancer. The whole thing just wasn't a good thing. It wasn't a good feeling. God forbid. Listen, it's funny

when you're going with a friend and you never want to be the first to leave. So you're just waiting for the first guy to leave. You're like, all right, dude, I don't want to be the first. I'll go second. I'll go second. Bartnick, our buddy Joe Bartnick, who's been on the show, we were in that casino Rama or wherever we were in Canada over the bridge from Detroit. Dude, ask him about it. He still talks about it to this day. It blew such hard. It was almost like defective.

The steam came so much and it was so intense. And five minutes and he's gone. There was a guy sitting on top and our feet are getting burned because we were by the steamer. And Bartnick's just going. God came out. Guy goes, man, you scream like a little bitch. He came to the. We came out.

We were glowing. We looked like we were. It was too much, dude. It was too. I know, but I guess there's nothing better than a fucking. I still like a steam better than a fucking i i still like a steam better than a sauna i just wish uh you know there was a place you know nearby where i lived where i could just go down every once in a while and do it if there was like you know nobody like i don't know it just wasn't one of those ones that cook

you from the inside i think you know what i bet i bet those are cheaper yeah this is what i'm guessing those things are fucking cheaper to maintain. So now they're lying to you that they don't fucking, that they're not bad for you. There's, there's something wrong about that. Like my liver shouldn't be hotter than my fucking skin. No, dude. Anything from the inside out shouldn't happen, dude. No, I, like I said, I like a little steam. That's it. I would go, I would go get one in the house i'd get one in the house you know what i think i you know what i think is underrated for a house i think i might like to get this what are you gonna do when you when you get your money because it's you see it

coming paul you got the star power you're doing the wilbur theater you're crushing it you're getting ready to shoot another special you're the everyman people see themselves in you um i'm going tennis court hot tub and in-ground pool is a definite i mean in-ground pool in-ground pool with a hot tub flowing in it's an absolute definite there's no way that that's not happening i already talked when do you ever play tennis what why are you getting a tennis court good exercise man i'll play with my kids you know why wouldn't you go full court basketball man you getting a tennis court? It's good exercise, man. I play with my kids, you know? Why wouldn't you go full court basketball, man? You got a great jump shot.

Your kid likes playing hoop. Yeah, I mean, we have a hoop, though, already. So, I mean, I guess we could go full court. But, you know, be a nice little tennis court back by a pool. I don't know. If I bought a house and a tennis court, I would fucking take the net down and I would play street hockey. Like rollerblades. That's what I would do.

That's real cool. Yeah. I like tennis for whatever. There's just no way at my age you look good running after a ball playing tennis. When you get to my age, you're taking those short steps. Then you do that awful little swing of the racket. Dude, is there anything better than watching old people playing tennis that are still competitive?

Oh, it's so funny. Fucking hilarious. You also get like shin splints and stuff. Yo. Tennis is a young man's game. I think tennis may – does tennis take more endurance than soccer? Dude, I got a book, Paul, that I know you're not going to read. That you're going to tell me you read it.

Which one? You got to read a book called Open by Andre Agassi. Not only is it the best tennis book, it's one of the best books I've ever read. You told me about that. Yeah, and about his dad and how he didn't like tennis that much and shit. I would definitely read that. No, he didn't even want to do it. His dad just decided he was going to be a pro tennis player.

And this is what kills me is he fucking, this kid did it. Yeah. He did it. That's amazing, dude. And the way he describes the grind of being on the pro tennis tour, what it does to you, I think the book starts with him talking about standing in the shower until it didn't hurt anymore like just just like there's not enough money in the fuck do what

pro athletes go through with their bodies and then for the rest of their fucking lives just walking around all feeble and fucked up but what about getting to that what about getting to that level when you don't want to do it that's that's impressive to be like i wish i wasn't doing this but since i am i'm gonna take it to the highest level in the fucking world and not only that he was one of the he's one of like five people that ever won on all three surfaces hardcore grass and clay wow yeah one of the only guys to ever do that it's just like yeah that book is uh remember when he when he meets um who he married stephy graff yep and he was kind of embarrassed or something like that to say that he hated tennis

he finally said it he goes yeah i fucking hate tennis and she goes doesn't everyone they fucking hated it and they dominated it's a it's an amazing amazing like everybody that works at snl everybody that works at snl that i've ever talked to literally with the exception of maybe one's like oh yeah you know it's a it's this it's that it's a grind every tv show every it's yeah anybody i would tell you something like anybody's sitting in a fucking writer's room oh oh on days when it's not working the script isn't working you got to pull this fucking thing apart it's like reshoveling a driveway especially for a true comic Especially for a true comic. Especially for a true comic, dude.

I remember my buddy had a show for AOL online. And they go, hey, man, they'll let you be a part-time writer. Come in one or two days a week. You'll get paid. Come up with ideas. It was a sports online thing. I went in there and I'm sitting in a room. And two hours later, I was like, I could never fucking just sit.

I don't care how funny the ideas are I don't care I just would never do this dude it's different because you have the ability because you you could just go do your act right probably make the same money writers get a writing gig this site because that's also like they're like calling because you know I learned a lot over the years uh in the writer's room at efforts for family i literally learned how to write a script and um and then i actually also watch people how they pace themselves in the writer's room like what do you mean well we had this one one guy uh mark wilmore rest his soul

rest his soul and mark would be would do this thing sometimes well he would just kind of sit there you know there's elbows on his knees maybe almost like he was sitting on the bench just looking down at the floor sometimes for like 20 minutes and i would just be looking over like ah you know mark's not feeling it today or maybe he's he's fucking not liking the script or whatever and then i'll have to like 20 minutes like rope a dope his head would come up and he would start talking and no one would there was like you know there's 10 writers in a room all nine of us would shut up and then he would just he would just rattle off a whole scene. That's brilliant, dude.

Yeah. But I, he was, he was thinking, but then other times like resting. So I kind of learned from him. I'm like, oh, I don't need to be in on every line. This is why we have nine other people in here. I can, like, dude, you, I, it's a, it's a weird thing to experience where your brain is tired. Yeah. And I got to be honest with you, man. That's when my drinking really started to go off the fucking rails. When I started, you know, before I had my daughter. And I was in there like every single day just banging it up.

I don't know how they do it. And then I would go to the clubs at night. You know what I mean? I was trying to squeeze the gym in the morning. I was just it out. I don't know how they do it. And then I would go to the clubs at night. You know what I mean? I was trying to squeeze the gym in the morning. I was just straight out, dude, I would come home and just be like staring at the fucking wall. Yeah.

And I just was like, you know, I need a drink and dude, and then I swear to God, but then fucking, you know, I don't know. A couple of seasons,

you're drinking like Ernest Hemingway. And you're like, what the fuck am I doing? It's the only time my wife ever brought up my drinking. She was like, what's going on with you? I was like, why? And I only had like three. She goes, they're like this big.

That's what I got. I was like, it's a home pour. I'm making up for all those times I went to the fucking, you know, the hipster bar, and I asked for a fucking drink, and they came out with a little eyedropper yeah they charge 17 bucks for it you get the home pour the home oh yeah up and over the ice cube paul up and over the ice cube so i um oh dude i miss it dude i swear to god i could

take down a bottle of fucking bourbon like if i didn't have the you know if i wouldn't be drunk in front of my that's the greatest thing about having kids dude that was the thing i was just sitting there going like am i gonna be the guy where they're gonna be talking you know dad liked his drink come home every year i was like no with that shiny irish bottom lip i wasn't gonna be that guy the gin blossom oh gin blossom packing the family in the car to go to someone's house. Half-buzz, handing my kid's friends money for no fucking reason. Remember that old drunk guy? He just tried to give you a cup.

Hey, you're a cute kid. Did he give you just money? Trying to make up for the fact that he didn't fucking do the right thing with his kids. Remember those drunks? Dude, I had them in my family. Nothing was like, dude, when you were like seven years old and a drunk guy or somebody gave you a buck or two fucking epic dude and you remember that and they always had like that irish sweater the the the jumpers they call it the fucking zipper and they'd have that hole the moth hole or something or on the elbow

oh god you're like ah you were excited you excited. And you went out and you go, went out and bought some football cards, but then you just look at the guy, his white socks, those black beat up loafers. Dude, how cruel is life? How cruel is life that, you know, you, you, you know, and, and my, anybody that has listened to me on any podcast knows I suffer from anxiety, depression and all that. And then I have a fucking pop and I feel incredible. And I'm like, fuck that, man. I'm done, man. My mental shit, I'm done this shit.

I'm done. I'm going to lean into it. And then, you know, you wake up and you feel fucking horrible. And then you read about anxiety and depression. You're like, yeah, you kind of stay away from alcohol. It's kind of a depressant. And it's like, man, can you catch a fucking break? Dude, how awful is it that everything that's fucking fun

and great to do kills you? Like, dude, I honestly. Really, except sex doesn't kill you. You fucked the wrong person. Yeah, absolutely kills you. I mean. Well, I guess not anymore. They kind of papered down the whole AIDS thing, didn't they?

I mean, you could still get fucked up, yeah. But I mean, I'm saying if you got a good partner and you're the same person. You got money. You can fuck whatever. No, dude, don't they have like that psycho level gonorrhea out there right now that they can't fix? It's like ridiculously painful. Maybe. That's brutal.

I mean, I don't know. Just this shit that I just heard when i was out there and uh where the fuck was i then some country this manager oh my god this guy who booked the thing was saying he managed a band and two guys went to some country and banged chicks and they both caught it i was just like what he goes yeah there's super gonorrhea out there i don't know if he was fucking with like, let's fuck with the American. Do I look it up, Paul? Do I look it up? Do I bring everybody down

with super gonorrhea? I mean, that's... The shit that's in my... It says yes. It says it's real and it's getting worse according to Gizmodo and Forbes. What do you mean it's getting worse? The spread of it more and more

forbes said in december 2020 super gonorrhea might be spreading from antibiotic overuse for covid coronavirus why is it was it was already uh super gonorrhea what the fuck yeah dude i mean what the fuck just be happy you're out of the game paul wait wasn't the one the one that was killing people was syphilis though wasn't it syphilis back in the day yeah before they came up with penicillin took out al capone i think in jail right yes syphilis uh penicillin came out while he was still in jail but it was too advanced it was in his brain he did take it but it was too advanced and it got to the point where they actually let him out of jail at the end of his life a lot of people think he died in jail he didn't oh wow so gone so penicillin cures all that shit now? Is that how that works?

I don't know, Paul. I'm not a doctor and a lot of people are pretending they are these days. So, I have no idea. I just know people say shit and it scares me. And I think to myself, I'm so glad I'm a loner. Yeah. Well, you know what? I'll tell you guys something that scared me. And some people know, but you know, it's out. I'll tell you. And Bill knows I was, I in two days before July 4th, I went to the doctor and I got an MRI on my neck because I have a bulging C6 disc in my back, which is tapping the spinal cord. And I have bone spurs and a degenerated disc, which just shoots down. And I've been dealing with this for a while. So six years ago, you know, you never get surgery with your spine. That's what they tell you. You never get surgery with your spine ever,

ever last resort, unless you're in agonizing pain, you never do it. So they do things like physical therapy. They'll give you maybe an injection for something like that. Anyway, long story short, after five years, I'm getting symptoms. Again, I go back, we do another MRI. They're reading it to me and they tell me the disc got worse. The degenerated disc got worse. You have bone spurs and you have arthritis through your neck and shoulders. And then he goes, and then they found something. And I was like, oh, okay. found something. And I was like, oh, okay. Well, he's like, it's a very rare spinal thing. And it's a tear. And he explained it to me and he gave me the name and I wrote it down. And I said, is it common? And he goes, in 20 years, I've seen six of them. He goes, but it's early, it's small, have it monitored, but you got to look. And I look it up and I see that if you got this shit

in the sixties or sevents, it was fucked. And, you know, if it gets bad, it could really fucking debilitate you. And you know me, my brain, my fucking everything going on with me. And I don't mean disrespectful to anybody that has this or anything else. We could all get horrible shit. So I don't mean to be disrespectful, but I'm on vacation thinking about this thing. It's my spinal cord. If it goes bad and it put me into

something really bad and ugly for a little while. And I kept it together. No. And I had a friend who knows a surgeon and they were at a party and some spinal doctor was there. This is God's honest truth. And I find out that that spinal doctor is world renowned and guess what he was only world rena he was only for that condition that condition that i had was it so i send the mri on my way to vacation and they say he's on vacation it's gonna take you about two weeks to a month and i'm just down and I got a phone call and somebody said, I got good news for you, buddy. And I said, I could use some, cause I've been fucking in the dumps for two months, pretty much because of this shit in the back of my mind. And they go, you don't have that.

And I was just like, what? And they were like, what did that feel like? Dude, I, to be honest with you, it was two months of so much thinking about it that my body was almost confused. Like, it was like, wait a minute. It was, I got anger. I got, I got a little emotion, like not emotional, like crying, told was the herniated disc is hitting my spinal cord, which is normal. And it's causing dilation in my spinal cord. And that's what they saw. And this guy is like they're sending this guy to fucking Germany for this. They send this guy everywhere. This is the fucking dude. They were like, dude, that guy could see that condition from across the room. You 100 percent equivalent do not have that. the room. You 100% equivalent do not have that. And I just was like, dude, I told my wife and I was just like, so to anybody listening, and I said this on the Verzi effect, man, get a second opinion, get a second opinion, dude. I know somebody that was told they had months to live

because of a blood condition, months to live. And they didn't have it. They didn't fucking have it. And so it's like- How did like figure that out when they kept living i i guess no when you hear shit like that you go three four or five opinions right like you gotta go call your doctor up hey doc it's me bill like two months later he's like really didn't think i'd be hearing from you dude how fucked up is that to tell somebody that they have a blood? Listen, the shit that I was told, worst case scenario, they fix it and it's 80% long-term success. Imagine being told you got months to live, months to live, not years. Listen, you got a rare, you got months to live. And then, oh, my bad. Sorry. Sorry. I told you that

around Christmas time. What? All right. Months to live live paul other than obviously what you do as a family man with your kids selfishly you got months to live what are you doing we talked about this if if i'm not suffering i'm i mean look you're not suffering paul you're just gonna fuck they're like you know what you i don't know. Some fucking genie tells you you're going to drop of a fucking heart attack November 2nd. So this is what you got. You got September, you got October,

you got November 1st, and then you're out. You have no wife, you got no kids. I mean, for some reason, they're okay with you just fucking being a lunatic. No i know you'll be oh you know i'm gonna go fucking hang on my wife i want to hear some crazy shit what would you do if i got no shit if i got no kids and no wife and i got two months to live i'm going on a cocaine bender hard on a yacht in europe that's that that's what i'm doing i'm. I'm going to be on a party yacht with

Coke until I go. That would probably be something like that. Wine every night, the top sushi, everything. The whole deal. I was thinking I would immediately start drinking again. I'm drinking. Fucking drinking. I'm eating steaks. Every meal I eat is going to look like some death row guy's last fucking meal. I'm having chocolate fucking cake, steaks, french fries. Do you remember that picture of Tony Montana like this? That would be me on a fucking yacht somewhere. I think I would try heroin.

I mean. just once, just to see what the fuck it is that makes people do that shit. We were talking about this, killing yourself. I would do something dope, dude. You got to do something dope, no? Oh, you're talking about

how you kill yourself? And you, yeah. What would you say you would do? I'd want to do something epic. And your epic idea, how would you kill yourself and you yeah what would you say you would do you got yeah yeah i'd want to do something epic and your epic idea how would you kill yourself paul um i gotta i don't know man like like jumping into like the jumping into like the niagara falls or thelman louise just taking a car into the grand canyon at 120 miles an hour why do you have to ruin people's vacations with your suicide? I don't know.

Going on space mountain and just unbuckling myself. I mean, why can't we enjoy Epcot center without watching you fucking jump off the top of it? Bill, Bill being the good friend that he is said to me one time as a joke, bill being the good friend that he is he said to me one time as a joke bill being the good friend to me that he is he said to me one time as a joke because uh he knows i'm a head case okay but he said uh yeah man just don't get down and you know

like i i know i know you got a rightful and i just go no dude i would never do it with that because that doesn't make me feel better that's what i said the other day i said you know you get down in the dumps you start having those things they go paul you can't have mental issues and have a fucking gun in the house and he goes i'd never do it like that he goes i would do something epic i go you'd kill yourself in an epic way i go how and he goes you know like fucking jump off a waterfall you know people would think it was cool. I'd be like, well, not the people who saw it. You jump and you just hear people like, oh, my God.

And you hit the fucking rocks. There's always rocks down there. You know who else wanted to do that? You explode like a fucking water balloon. And some kid would see that and have to be in therapy for the rest of his life. Because you had a herniated disc dude dennis rodman said one time in his book during his thing he said he wanted to get 50 rebounds in a game walk off and jump into a waterfall and i remember reading that in high

school going like it's kind of fucking epic i i get this 50th rebound which i don't think is like i mean that's been done maybe that's not going to be done in the modern era at all no like like wilt did that shit when guys my height were at his dick like he's holding the ball up like he's in a schoolyard teasing kids um but yeah um no i listen man uh obviously not making light of suicide we know it's a serious thing and uh i feel bad for anybody who has those thoughts but no you're just talking about how you have thoughts look you're not a comedian if you haven't thought about killing yourself at some point i mean you know there's no way to sit in a comedy condo after a couple of light shows. I bet you everybody,

I bet you 80% of people in the world thought about it. Not that they're everybody. Somebody has been and just been like, ah, dude, you know, I could just jump up and do, you know,

like everybody. I used to think of it as a comforting thing. When I would catastrophize so much about what the fuck was going to potentially happen, I would just, well, you know, I could, you know, when I really got into conspiracy theory

and the dollar collapsed and the zombies coming up the street, it's just like, you know, when you got your gun, you're ready to go. And it's just like, yeah, you just fucking blow my brain. Then it's over. Yeah, but you can't do it like that, dude. You can't make a mess. You know? Paul, you fucking, what do you mean a mess they gotta pull

that car out with your body in it at the bottom of the grand canyon you think they're gonna fucking leave it there no but i mean you don't guys gotta back a truck down that fucking trail nobody hikes down there today or people are watching the vehicle go by knowing that they're going down there to get you. Yeah, but you don't want brain all over the wall and you're fucking sitting there, you know, the fucking look on your face. I don't know. All right, well, let me try to feel. I'll find a more fucking courteous way of doing it. Yeah, there you go. Well, if you're doing a motel room, then it becomes like the cleaning ladies.

People are going to find it down at the morgue. Dude, what about that hotel in L.A.? That fucking thing they did a doc on. Holy shit. 80 deaths in that fucking thing. What? That hotel in L.A. That's like that fucking deaths in that fucking thing? What? That hotel in LA. That's like that fucking.

Well, give me some more. What happened? Who? Andrew, what's the doc? Just put in like so many deaths. What's the name? Oh, my God. They just did it.

Hey, by the way, but while you look that up, how about the fucking Patriots making a bold move? Yeah. Well, did you hear today? Cam Newton. Did you hear what they're saying? Matt move. Yeah, well, did you hear today? Cam Newton. Did you hear what they're saying today? Matt Jones. Yeah. I remember when Bill Belichick traded away Drew Bledsoe,

and I was just like, oh, my God, what are we doing? This is fucking Drew Bledsoe. Yeah, but this is different because Cam is – It is not different. Cam's ship might've sailed dude physically. And I think they saw that. And I think the Panthers saw that too, because he hasn't been the same since his shoulder surgery.

I think that that's what it is. They also said something today about the vaccination. And then Belichick made a comment saying his release has nothing to do with vaccination because Cam was saying something when he was in the facility, he was going, I don't talk about that. I don't want to talk about my vaccination. Don't ask me questions. Don't bring it up.

And then so but they're saying that that had nothing to do with it. But other sources are saying that it could have. Who knows? But I think I thought everybody in the NFL has to be vaccinated or they're not playing. Yes, something's going on with him. And he's saying, don't talk about it. I don't want to bring it up. So and then Bill Belichick made a comment today the nfl is fucking reptilian they do not give a

fuck they don't they give a shit about the fucking dollar man they don't give a fuck well bill you're a patriots fan you watched cam last year did he physically look different to you or did he look on i also watched tom brady with that same team and we went through a period where uh at the receiver position okay uh first of all we lost our left hat and nate soldier went to you guys so the the guy who protected Brady's back for all those years was gone. And then we had all of these guys come in for people who left, like the Amendolas and them. And it just, for whatever reason, did not pan out.

And we suddenly were a very mediocre, beatable team. And that is the team that Cam Newton inherited. I don't think we solved those problems last year, which is why we had him running so many times, which I don't think he wants to do this at this point in his career. I think it's probably better for everybody, you know, because did I think that he didn't suck?

Was he like a – but he didn't come off like he's a superstar, but he didn't have a superstar team around him either. Like we were in this transition sort of rebuild, you know, plug in pieces in. Is this going to pan out in a year or do we got to get rid of this guy there was like a number of people that just you know I think my I saw Tom in his last year with us throw a lot of balls that should have got caught that were not and I saw the frustration he had yeah that's yeah so that's for sure but I think with Cam and listen I didn't watch him every game but I watched him a lot I

think that he's a me guy he's a selfish guy I think so his attitude on top of not being at the superstar level was a combination of we got this new kid Mac Jones that that's just gonna oh man he was always great with the kids giving him the ball in the crowd he's not a bad guy and plus I'll always love that guy because he beat Alabama oh I don't think he's a bad guy i just think he's more of a little bit of a me guy and i don't think that that works with that coach in that system and rightfully so you know what i mean like it's you know dude the patriots i would say it was an odd fit yeah because you know we get introduced as a team and stuff like that and blah, blah, blah. And if, you know, you're showing up, you know, dressing like you're in a James Bond movie. Like, I don't know why they filmed those guys going into the locker room.

And now it's become like this fashion show thing. And, you know, the agents are telling them, you know, wear some crazy clothes. It's a great way to build your brand. It's one of those things that I think is, I don't know, it can be like, you got to watch out for that as a performer. You're building of a brand because then you sort of start to act like a little studio yourself. Where you're just chasing the dollar and stuff. And you've become like a logo almost. As opposed to back in the day where,

you know, I don't know. There's something that you did what the fuck you did. Yeah. Well, going to that point, there's something very rare in sports when you're the fucking guy from seventh grade,

Cam Newton's been the fucking guy. LeBron James has been the fucking guy. And when I mean the guy, I mean, seventh and eighth grade getting phone calls going, you're the fucking guy. LeBron James has been the fucking guy. And when I mean the guy, I mean seventh and eighth grade getting phone calls going, you're the fucking guy from like when you are that. How rare is it to have somebody just be humble and be a team guy like that? It's out there, but it's rare, dude. You know? Yeah, I don't know. I also think that a lot of it is now that there's 24 hours of

news sports news and just like back in the day dude all you saw was the fucking guy i didn't see terry bradshaw walking into the what did terry wear i had no fucking idea i had no idea who the oh he dated a famous figure skater if he dated somebody famous you knew but like i had no idea about their personal lives i had no idea what the fuck they did i mean i you go back and you look at a lot of the shit that they did these giant fucking parties that were having nobody had any idea the local cops knew but no or whoever was there knew but that they kind of ended there and i feel like uh just the scrutiny that they're underneath and when you got 24 hours of news to cover after a while once you've built it up you got to kind of rip it down um so i don't know i uh i like cam i like cam and i think

whoever picks him up is i mean that's you know a guy's a phenom of a of a talent well he's also been in league a long time He has a lot of knowledge. I hope he gets with the right coach, lands on his feet and everything like that. I'll be honest with you, dude. I'm just happy as a Patriots fan that when he left, that they didn't do the usual thing with Boston, was then they cut to the footage of the busing and all the racism and anytime a black athlete, it doesn't work out. It just seems like, I'm not saying, you know,

Boston isn't fucked up, which it obviously it is, but it just, I was, as a sports fan, I always bugged me that if somebody leaves an LA team, that's black, like they don't show the fucking Rodney King beating and the fucking Watts riots or anytime the Lakers win a title, there's a police car tipped over and lit on fire you know what I mean like that just that that late you know that lazy narrative like it's like oh somebody in Philly did something fucked up I'll bring out the Santa Claus story yeah oh we're doing a story in Cleveland let's show the fucking you know the the inlet next to the lake on fire and say it was Lake Erie like they just have like those stories you know the the inlet next to the lake on fire and say it was lake erie like they

just have like those stories you know what i mean oh we by the way we have a we have a stick bet and i haven't seen that yet so oh i want a hoyo but i love what is our bet i love how you're talking like his publicist going you know we wish him i wish him the best wherever he goes no i do dude i fucking root for guys and i have a tremendous amount of empathy for athletes. Dude, can you imagine if your stand-up career was over at like 35, 36? Yeah. You just can't hold the mic stand anymore? I don't know, man.

You just can't sling those jokes. Like, I just. Yeah. Like, to get. And the level that they get to, too, I think is beyond a comedian as far as fame and like, you know. And he got like 160 million. He got like one of those big contracts.

I heard he's going to the Texans or the Cowboys. They said he's going to the Texans or the Cowboys today. So one of those teams are, those are the two top teams interested in getting him. I think he'd make a great Cowboy. And he would make a great Cowboy because he would make a great cowboy because he would look at him he's got that million dollar smile looks like a movie star he puts that helmet on with the star on the side of it comes in beats your giants twice a fucking year well i mean we beat him on the road we went on the road i'm just trying to get you going we went on the road so

listen they may take it at our place. I know how to push your sports buttons. That's what, that's what. Whenever they show the Yankees, it's always like today. I consider myself. They never show that guy that threw the knife from the upper deck down. Fucking hit that guy in the arm. Remember that shit? No.

What year was that? You know, the late seventies when you guys all look like porn stars and then you rewrote your history that you're all fucking clean shaven what andrew what year did steinbrenner buy the yankees bill do you know that that answer early 70s 72 what would you say he's he say he saved that fucking franchise that guy's one of the greatest owners of all time. 73. Then they redid the stadium. I remember one of the saddest pictures I ever saw was Joe DiMaggio standing out in the outfield,

up in the bleachers, as they had totally taken apart Yankee Stadium. They were redoing it. The whole baseball field was dirt. He was just sitting there expressionless looking at it and was just like oh man like it was you know he always you know what is it he bought the yankees for 10 million dollars in 1973 wow i mean paul 58 uh 58 uh million today no 58 how much it's worth 58 million today yeah No, 58. How much? It's worth 58 million today. Yeah. So it was kind of a steal back then, if you think about it.

Beyond a steal. Because the Yankees are now worth like a billion dollars. Yeah. But it's also because of what he did. Wait, but I'm confused. What's the 58? It's a billion, isn't it? They're adjusting it for inflation

so 10 million dollars what it got you back then was like 58 million bucks so okay i got it but yeah dude he sold i mean look what he did 10 million and then just fucking one of the most what is it the top five probably organizations i think the cowboys are one of the cowboys might be number one as far as what champion winning championships you guys are the top no no no no not winning championships what the team is what the what the organization is worth right uh yeah it'll be interesting though as it's number one right yeah what is it's number one yeah also number one at 5.7 billion then it's new york yankees, 5.25. Then the Knicks at 5 billion. Then Barcelona.

The fucking Knicks? Yeah. It's incredible. I know. The Knicks are worth more than the Lakers or the Celtics? Yep. More than Real Madrid? Crazy.

Stop saying yup, Paul, like you knew that. You didn't guess fucking the Knicks. No, I said Cowboys. I knew the Knicks were up there in the top five. No, you didn't. You would have said it. Well, I swear to God, dude.

That's a joke. I don't want to say it. It's the joke. It's fucking how bad we- The fucking New York Knicks are worth more than the Red Sox? Yeah, and we stink. They're worth more than the Patriots. They still come, man.

People still come. It's ridiculous. Patriots are like eighth on the list. Wait a minute. Time out. Time out. Paul, you don't make that kind of money because of ticket sales. You make that off of TV deals. Well, the whole, but they sell out. I mean, they, the Knicks sell out when they're fucking horrible. They have the MSG network. They don't make the fucking playoffs ever.

So they lose out on all that money and all that TV revenue. Don't they? Uh, yeah. We made the playoffs last year. How the fuck are the New York new more than the Lakers? They lose out on all that money and all that TV revenue, don't they? Yeah. We made the playoffs last year. How the fuck are the New York – more than the Lakers? The Lakers have the fucking Staples Center sitting on 17 championships. Celtics got 17 fucking championships. I mean, who the fuck is buying a fucking Knicks jersey in Europe? You can find a Kobe jersey anywhere on the fucking planet.

So one thing I would bring up is recent sales might have to do with it. So if somebody recently invested and they bought in at a proportion that, you know, let's say they bought in for 10% and they had to give a valuation and the valuation was higher, that could have increased. They also redid the garden. You know, they just redid their house you know they put a fucking pool in there um paul i'm gonna be there in a couple of weeks if you had 20 billion and somebody said bill we'll give you the nicks for four would you buy them be kind of cool man to have that it would be but i i the cabinet of people i would have to put around me before those new york papers would eviscerate me they would eviscerate i mean i

don't know shit about hoop paul and as much as you know about hoop paul we're talking about running a fucking team here oh yeah i would now paul if you i mean do you want to sit in on those meetings about contracts no because i think about being the owner i'm on the fucking sidelines like that fucking guy we met the uh the phoenix suns guy that owner's cool as shit like he's right down there he's screaming at the refs and shit. Like he looks like a fan. Yeah, no, he is. That's how I would be.

I wouldn't be in that some stupid luxury box. I want to be down there. We're going to yell it. Dude, you just remind me. You know what would be great, dude? If you were an owner and you sat in the upper deck

with all the drunks getting hammered with them. No, because then you'd get some guy getting hammered going. You fucking, you're the reason. How could you sign that guy? I don't know what I was thinking. You never made a fucking mistake, you asshole.

Get this guy another beer. It's over. Dude, you remember? Totally diffused. Remember the Dallas Mavericks trainer let us go there? And we go in there. Do you remember this? The Dallas Mavericks trainer brings us there.

We're shooting. We have it on video. I shot a three. I made my first three. I said I shot a three. I made my first three. I said, I wanted to make sure I make my first three in here. Right. Then he shows us around offices and he actually, we were near an office or something. And it had, it had contracts up and it had all the players names and the amount of money. And remember I walked out, I go, you guys are giving that guy $12 million. And somebody just goes, somebody just goes,

that i go you guys are giving that guy 12 million dollars and somebody just goes somebody just goes and i just was like yeah i just walked by i remember that dude that's another thing too the money in the nba because there's only 11 guys like you forget dude the nba draft has two rounds that's it yeah that is it and now you got all those european guys that are fucking playing you get a lot of you get a lot of undrafted guys too you get a lot of guys that weren't drafted like some guys come in and i know i'm just saying how hard it is yeah it's ridiculous like and all those all those guys now in europe that play at an nba level so now you got to compete with them you know people from asia now are fucking crushing it dude like it is like it's kind of they need to maybe have a few more teams i got one for you this is for the women listeners of

the anything better podcast by the way the anything better podcast you could get on itunes spotify make sure you like review everything like that the the show is uh doing fantastic and moving up, rightfully so, because it's the best. And so for our women listeners right here, ladies, how about this one? What sporting event you, my friend Bill Burr, what sporting event would you want to be at with your woman? Okay. It could be any sporting event you want in the world, but she's sitting next to you. I got it. I got it. I got it. Easy.

Okay. Kentucky Derby. Oh. No brainer. They get to dress up, wear a big hat. I should have said except that one because that's an easy one. They get to drink. All right.

Of the four. Of the four. Of the big four, which one? Because the Derby's a definite. You're right. All right. Whose happiness am I I going for mine or hers? Both, but more yours. Like she's got to enjoy it, but you got to be really psyched.

I would take you to a college football game. Okay. I would go the, I don't know if I can do that. I don't think my, my wife would be, I don't know. It sounded good in my head and i said it out loud now i don't like it could you picture her in the fucking sun in the swamp no i mean no um listen who kids who at the end of the day it's about her happiness i'd have to get her courtside seats to a fucking nba game and as much as he enjoys the game she she's also maybe if Beyonce's there, you know, I would trick daddy or some fucking whoever the fucking hottest rapper is, then she'd be happy. Is there a guy named Trick Daddy?

Or is that like a custom car? No, there's a guy named Trick Daddy. Okay. Yachty, you know, big pun. I had a buddy take a girl. Listen to this. It's not like mobsters. I had a dude, one of my closest friends.

I know big puns dead before everybody tells me. Go ahead. Rest his soul. My buddy in high school. Dead in the middle of little Italy. Sorry. Diddly do diddly. Took his girl to David Wells, perfect game. And she's going, this is boring. What is even happening here? And he goes, do you fucking understand

what you're and she's just sitting there. Like he figured out, take my girl to a Knicks game, a ball game during the day. And it's David Wells, perfect game. He's going, Paul, I wanted so much. This is why I brought the question wells perfect game he's going paul i wanted so much this is why i brought the question up on the show he goes i wanted so much to fucking enjoy this with somebody and he's going like like in the seventh inning she's just going this is like nothing is even happening and he's going do you fucking understand what you're seeing right now she doesn't he got to respect that he should have have got her an Uber and sent her home. That didn't exist then. She just got her a cab.

I would take Stacey. I think Stacey would really enjoy either the Super Bowl or like a Stanley Cup final closing game where it's like it's a game seven. You know, it's tied up. Game seven. Winner gets the cup. Great seats. And I think she would enjoy Kentucky Derby.

I took my wife to the Australian Open. I was doing a gig in wherever the fuck it is. Where the hell is it? It's not Sydney. It's in Melbourne. Melbourne, as they say. Melbourne. So we showed up and there was a giant tennis ball in the lobby of our hotel

that said the Australian Open I was like holy shit is that going on right now I was like we gotta go we gotta go and we ended up going and um that's awesome who the fuck did we see did we see Serena I can't remember we saw but there was some Australian woman playing and the crowd was rooting. And there was this guy in the crowd going, come on, Casey. Come on, Casey. And people were like, shut up. Come on, Casey. All fucking time.

Dude, I have been to three of the four tennis majors, and the one that I wanted to go to the most, I've been to the French Open twice, US Open twice, Australian Open. The one that I wanted to go to the most is fucking Wimbledon. Dick Enberg, breakfast at Wimbledon. I used to watch those McEnroe, Bjorn Borg fucking battles. I remember fucking, what's his face uh

boris becker with my age 17 years old in 85 one fucking wimbledon wow wow i remember the headband he had the headband and the hair i remember him no he didn't he didn't have a headband boris becker didn't have a headband no he didn't he came up during like it a headband. Boris Becker didn't have a headband? No, he didn't. He came up during like it was Yvonne Lendl. I'll bet you that stick. Huh? I'll re-bet you that stick. Absolutely.

Boris Becker. Andrew, can you look that up if Boris Becker had a headband? That headband was Andre Agassi. No, I know that. But what's his name? Had a headband. Dude, you could do the Andre Agassi story. Look at you. Somebody told me that. Somebody told me. I was in a diner and somebody walked by and goes, hey, it's Andre Agassi. And all my friends burst out laughing. Are they fucking around or are they serious?

Can you eat an avalanche? No picture? That's a stick, motherfucker. Oh, no. None in any of us. No, you're even now. You owed me a stick now. Wait, how do I owe you a stick?

Because they didn't do the narrative of cam newton that you said oh i forgot that yeah i thought for sure well 100 it was going to go some sort of racial route come on kz that's in my mind kz come on kz remember we went to yukon and every time a guy missed that guy had a comment in my mind. Come on, Casey. Come on, Casey. Remember we went to UConn and every time a guy missed, that guy had a comment. He goes, he's not even shooting with his hand. Do you remember that? And you just kept going like you just like. Oh, that fucking old guy.

Every single time UConn missed a shot or did something wrong, he said something. He was that old, the old guy who talks about fundamentals. Yes. His legs weren't under him when he took that shot fucking kids dunking on people yeah what do you want bob koozie running around out there dribbling on top of the ball come on casey come on casey what does that even mean well they they they give nicknames to people so I don't know what her real name was oh okay it's like McDonald's they call it Macca's yeah yeah that's

so funny want to go to Macca's or whatever whatever I can't do an Australian accent and it's just like they give everything a fucking nickname I like them they're fun people dude I'll tell you Paul the only time I've never been afraid of the ocean was australia and they have the most fucking sharks other than probably uh south africa but it they were so fucking beautiful yeah dude the most beautiful beaches i have ever seen in my life was australia you got to go to we got to go to sicily taramina i heard they're up there got to do that we got to do only if we ship all those fucking hair clippers you were talking about earlier before i get there i don't want to look at some guy's beard that goes into his speedo um seamlessly into the chest hair.

What the fuck were we saying before that, though? I don't know, but, Paul, I got to meet somebody here in about 25 minutes. So we got to. Come on, Casey. Come on, Casey. Oh, shit. All right. We will.

So I got to go to Wimbledon, Paul. No, you know what we got to do, Bill, when you start drinking again, I always had this dream. I want to be in a pub in Scotland when we go out to the British open, we go out to the British open when they do it in Scotland or whatever, and just go to a pub and drink Guinness and do shots until we black out and end up in a fucking beautiful hotel. That's a dream.

I mean, I would fly there to do that and not even go to the – what is it? It's not the British Open. What's the real name of it? No, it's the British Open, right? Yeah, it's the British Open, but when they're in – It's Scotland's. They came up with it. should be the scottish something saint andrews saint andrews

british open dude how do we not how have we not been drunk in scotland together yet i mean that's god it's not it doesn't say scottish something it should say that shouldn't say the brit Open. I know. Dude, Scottish people are fucking great, man. They're fucking funny, dude. Oh, yeah. And that's a drinking level that you just, it's ridiculous, man. Dude, best hecklers that I've gotten internationally, Ireland, Scotland, and India. India.

Never would have thought it, dude. Fucking ball breakers. Really? I did a pod. I called in a podcast. They go, what are you going to talk about when you're over here? You should talk about this. You should talk about that.

Then I finally was like, wait a minute. You're going to talk about this? You talk about that stuff on stage over there? And they started laughing. They were trying to get me in trouble. Oh, that's funny. You should talk about religion. Oh, dude. laughing they were trying to get me in trouble oh that's funny you talk about religion oh dude ireland and scotland getting hammered in dublin or scotland is would just be dude i would sing

a lot i would sing like member in uh the other guys when they well it's not a movie i would sing out there it's not a movie dude you're not gonna go over there and be ah some guy's got a fucking bagpipe drinking you it's a bunch of fucking it's lunatics paul i'll be honest with you late at night i did not feel safe you see me in the street i got black eyes they kick the shit out of me yeah you're going over there like there's gonna be a little fucking pot of gold at the end of your little drinking night no dude those are some fucking those are those people are not to be messed with Paul. There's a lot of people out there. You don't want to fucking mess with. I would say, yeah. Keep your head on a swivel. Yeah. All right. We're out there. All right. I'm going to be late

now. You feel happy. I'm going to be abusive and blame you. Cause I didn't tell you I had to leave. This has been the anything better podcast, everybody real quick, just because I got the special coming up on the 18th. I have to do this this Saturday. Come on, Casey. This Saturday, I'll be at Wise Guys Comedy Club. Okay. Then I think the next weekend I'm with you, Bill, me and Barnick. And then I will be September 15th. I will be at the Punchline in Philadelphia running my hour. And then I will be running it the 16th and 17th at Levity Live and shooting my special the 18 18th at levity live two shows. All tickets are available at paulverzi.com and guys, people keep telling me about the, uh, Wilbur theater tickets, please.

Let's pack that place out. October 22nd, Wilbur theater, all shows on my website, uh, go to Bill's website for all his shows that are not already sold out. Uh, check out Monday morning podcast, Veri effect our youtube channels we will be back with a big number 32 next week and you know who's at the top of that list so i'm not going to mention simpson hey i got one for you yeah fucking water slide giant water slide that's how you kill yourself you come out of your tuck you sit up and you go over right into a fried dough fucking cart just all right just over

we will end it with that bathing suit goes one way, entrails go the other. Epic. Top that, X Games. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. We'll talk you next time.