Anything Better? - White Leather Saddle

Episode Date: May 1, 2021

Is there Anything Better than Bill and Paul talking about fight night, glory days of baseball, and selling out. 

What's up everybody and welcome back to the best podcast on planet earth we are back anything better episode 14 with myself Paul Berzy over here on the East with himself. I don't know if that's right. Bill Burr over there on the West. We got the Greek freak, Andrew Themlis behind the glass, whatever the producer extraordinaire. We are back. And I got to tell you, we felt some of the people complaining we weren't here bill uh i i gotta say thank you to everybody that came out to dallas to add us an improv but some people i was like they were like i love the podcast oh i heard good things i heard good things about your shows down there paul it went great jeff sewell mr peaches himself calls everybody peaches. Oh, dude, he said peaches. La, la, la, la, la, kiki.

He kept saying mama mia. I mean, he's mama mia. But the shows were great. And then people were coming up going, man, I love the podcast. And they were talking about the special. And I go, yeah, man, we took this one guy. I go, we took a week off. And I just saw his face.

He goes, oh, man, this is the one I don't miss. I was no we'll be back we'll be back but uh I want to thank everybody for coming out the kind words about the show listening to all the podcasts but we are back today episode 14 okay and uh what is that oh oh all right Oscar Oscar Robinson. That's a great 14. Cincinnati Royals. Pete Rose. Wait a minute. Steve Grogan. Dude.

Oscar Robinson. Bill Cosby. Ernie Banks. Ernie Banks, Mr. Cubs. Young Cosby. You look like a young Bill Cosby. Oh, don't tell me. Oh, you know who that is.

Oh, it's right there. Sorry. Y.A. Tittle. New York Giant, right? Yeah, lost three, like lost five title games in six years. You guys had a rough time. Late 50s, early 60s. It was tough.

You don't see a lot of 14s anymore. I don't see a lot of 14s. Nice. All right. There's a lot of greats anymore. I don't see a lot of 14s. Nice. All right. There's a lot of great 14s. There is. There is, but I don't see them nowadays. Dan Fouts.

That's a great one. Dude, Oscar Robinson, Dan Fouts, Bob Cousy, Pete Rose. Dude, 14. Steve Grogan. There was a Hall of Fame for toughest players that ever played. Steve Grogan, he's got to be there. Dude, that guy, the hits that guy took on that turf back then when it was like you were getting tackled in a parking lot.

Dude, the guy had a permanent neck brace sewed into the top of his jersey as a quarterback. You never see quarterbacks with that. I'm going to get whiplashash it's like I know I'm gonna get whiplash so let's let's get let's start the medical care before the game even starts oh shit Jim Rice how did I forget that one remember those throwback jerseys who's that Dave Keon that's a little before my time he wasn't that that guy that the owner got into a beef with and traded. Then he came back and kicked their ass, was it? Fucking Leafs, man. Fucking Leafs. in between shows before I went on for the people that don't know Jeff Sewell has been at the Dallas Improv for 34 years he's this little guy he's hilarious and he always said

like Bill said he'll call you peaches or he'll just walk by and go mama mia it's just this funny character he told me that his father or something because he grew up I guess around the Kansas City area their friends or family friends was Bob Gibson rest his soul the pitcher wow and he's like bob gibson was like around like i talked to him like he was around my family and stuff and i was just like wow dude like great great uh great pitcher and uh so i didn't i don't know also helped the red socks prove that their impossible dream was impossible when he shut us down in 67 they had to lower the mound because the guys like that yes um what a badass but like i didn't know i didn't want to say anything about his number i

don't think that's his number i don't want to be disrespectful but i just thought it was cool because bob gibson's a fucking what is what is um what do you think is more difficult to do? Like being a shutdown pitcher, like, like I remember when the Yankees would be down 0-1 in a series and they were like, we're giving the ball to Pettit and like, he's just got to win. And normally he did in that situation. But being a pitcher in that fucking scenario where you're like, like, you know, the next day you lose,

you're down 0-2 and you're just like, I got to day you lose you're down oh two and you're just like i gotta shut this team down and the good guys did that's a bad dude man that's the shit right oh i what do you do you started the question you didn't what's harder you said being a shutdown pitcher or well i guess i guess yeah i mean i guess i was gonna say like a defender in a week without arguing with your wife. What's tough? I was going to say defender in the NBA, but yeah, we could do that. You know, the funny thing about arguing with your wife is right when you think, we've talked about this, right when you think it's done and you're like, dude, we're good.

You know, we had sex. We're laughing. She's laughing at my jokes again. We watched a series together. Now we're doing she's laughing at my jokes again we watched a series together now we're doing the thing where we show respect where you're not going to watch an episode without her that's when things are good when she's like don't watch that one without me i'm like of course not what are you kidding i wouldn't i wouldn't do that we're on episode four honey um and then it's just you know big fight you're like i'll go downstairs i go downstairs. I'm not going to watch that, but I'll watch. I went for a walk last night. I burned some calories. I did a big fucking loop around the neighborhood.

You're a Gemini like my son. Geminis have this thing where when they they walk away and they internalize it and they make they figure it out like a math equation first. Well, no, dude, that's not what I did. I stood there and i fought every fucking battle oh okay yeah all right i didn't make the cut the front nine i'm trying to fucking get even on the back nine here of my life so i just went for a walk oh yeah i don't go for a walk we're good though we are we we ironed the whole thing out figured out it's actually very similar to me so that's probably uh the problem two gemini's

paul two gemini's when you get real pissed though you go quiet for at first right like like and then you blow up or no depends on what's just happened somebody just cut me off i i'm gonna yell loud enough that they're actually gonna hear me in the car in front of me even if we're driving down the highway yeah if somebody is it's a social situation you can't say anything i will clock it and then there will be an undeniable look on my i wear it on my sleeve you'll know i'm pissed so i remember something happened with you in atlanta i'm not going to bring it up it still gets me it's. It's still I still thought about revenge. But I remember I actually to be honest with you, I still thought about revenge years later, 10 years later.

But something happened. And I remember we were on a tour and we were and I remember you just go, I'll be back. And you just went for a and I knew like when you went for the walk and you did it, I go, all right, man, he's doing. And that's a gift. You know, that's a gift. My son does that. My wife does that. Me and Stacey would get into fights and I'm sure couples will understand this. I didn't, I didn't learn to keep my mouth shut until now, but me and Stacey would get into fights and she would just start marching upstairs. And I, it drove me, it drove me nuts because I wanted- Oh, the walk away's the worst. It's usually when you're making a good point. And I go, what are you doing? One time I go- That is why ladies and gentlemen of the jury and the judges walks out and say, wait a minute.

These are my closing remarks. Exactly. That's exactly right. That doesn't happen in a courtroom that's a great way to look at it's a great example and she would walk up the steps and i would go where are you going and you know me when i was young i was like where are you going what do you you know what are you a child and all this shit are you a child are you this are you that and she would just go in and i would hear the door closed and she'd say just please stay away and i'd see that she was her eyes were and then she would come out and be hours later she'd come out and be able to deal with it. And my son can do that.

My son just goes, don't talk to me, dad. Don't talk to me. And then the door closes. One of the most brutal things ever is following a woman that's mad at you. Just let her go. There's nothing you're gonna say in that walk away that's gonna make them stay once they start

walking dude it's over it's like it's like when you miss the flight and you're like but it's still at the gate it's like sorry it's over sir it's over the door to the plane is closed but you could open it we could open it but it's not happening it's. We got a food court across the way. Why don't you sit down? Yeah. You're hoping for the exception. Yeah, yeah. You're hoping they're going to be like, all right, listen, man, the plane's ready to taxi, and it's just not going to happen.

That's what it is. You're following the last passenger down the jetway. She's getting in, and they're closing that door in your face. What are you going to stick your fingers in that big thing? Cut them off. You just said something. You just said something brilliant. And I, it's perfect.

It's like in a court of law, you can't leave. You can't have like before closing arguments, them just like the first argument and people leave. Oh yeah. Or the other side, it makes a good point. And then you're just gonna throw that in my face and then they just walk out that's my favorite one when you make a good point that they can't refute then all of a sudden you're throwing it in their face it's like no i'm just really just defending

myself you made a point and i made a point back and now you don't have an answer to that so now all of a sudden i threw it in your face i I'm supposed to put it on a pillow, like type it out. I tried that one time. I go in a court of law, I got you in a court of law. I got you, but it is in a court of law. So it's kind of like, yeah, but it's not a court of law. So like I tried to do it to a friend. Started banging it on your counter. Like I tried to do it to a friend. Started banging it on your counter. We got to talk about this UFC weekend, man.

Oh, my God. Dude, I got to tell you something. First of all, the Maz Vidal knockout by that guy, the amount of cloud of sweat that just he caught him so perfectly, just out cold. And the guy had the class to go, look, I love this. I don't know if you saw the thing, but he goes, I love this sport so much that I thought he was going to like shoot or do something. And by the time he didn't, it was too late. And he got me and it was beautiful. And to hear a guy get knocked out, talk about the,

the art of it and the sport of getting fucking rocked like that i thought was really fucking cool and that reminded me of uh as far as how clean the shot was was uh that classic joe frazier when he caught ali and broke his jaw to me was insane insane but dude i gotta tell you something that's what some of the most gruesome shit that brought me back to like an 80s slasher movie i don't need to see any more limbs or feet flopping around my wife fucking watches this shit i just go like and she literally tells me it's over it's over dude and i love rogan rogan just sits there going oh yeah oh he goes like yeah and then i wasn't even watching and joe is like giving like such detail.

I can't not picture it. Like Joe goes in the end, he goes, yeah. And then his leg bent back again. I was like, ah, dude, whenever, whenever there's a compound fact fracture of the leg, when they go to step back, when that, now I'm going to do it. You know, it reminds me of, you ever see a little kid putting on like his mom's rain boots. That's what it reminds me of you ever see a little kid putting on like his mom's rain boots that's what it looks like the thing just flops over on the side no it looked like a prosthetic that was not on right it was and it was dangling and and and the fucked up thing was

the foot was pointed up in the wrong direction oh dude i gotta take rogue rogan and daniel cormier's reaction though i fucking loved because it was either he's going like i had friends couldn't look at it either that's a professional fighter even he was like i don't want to look at i think it was him might have been the uh the the main guy i don't know i thought it was him but uh do they do something do they do something with that bill should they do something with that low leg kick because a lot of legs have just snapped like that like i guess not right i i dude i don't i don't even get how you kick another guy in the in the leg with your shin and you're not both hopping up and down afterwards and it's it's not like a

fucking draw dude if i was fighting you and you kicked me like that, the fight's over for both of us. Shins, dude. No, dude, I get sick of it. There's nothing there. There's no meat. No, dude, I can't. You know, I don't like seeing the, listen, dude,

I don't want to, can they cover the feet, dude? It's always been a problem for me. Just some, the bottom of some guy's yellow orange foot i just fucking tape it up they should tape up the middle and tape up the ankle dude it's fucking it's the one thing i have a hard time with is just barefoot like it was a great night and then rose uh winning her fight with that that i love that chick from China, though, man. Her vibe when she was doing the shit. But when they were like doing her intro and she was, you know, I just wish people didn't boo her.

Hey, when it becomes like that USA versus the other shit, it's like they're both fucking fighters, right? Killer fight. But she got her so good. She didn't even know she was out. I mean, it was amazing. It was an amazing uh amazing night but i gotta tell you dude that guy who got kicked in the leg and then his foot didn't work anymore like what the fuck did he hit oh i've been watching fighting forever i thought he broke his

ankle like no no he hit a nerve it's just like that can happen yeah that's the one thing that i don't know if they need to do without. That's been the most gruesome and worst career ending or, like, altering things is that low leg kick, man. But I guess you can't. I guess it's the name of the game. It doesn't happen that much. I saw it happen to that kid, and it happened to him when the other guy,

I don't know anybody's name, the guy crawls in like a spider, one of the greatest. Anderson Silva. Happened the greatest. Anderson Silva. Happened to him. Oof. And I remember seeing a guy, I swear to God, he got knocked out so bad, his body turned into like a slinky or a rainbow. Like his head just went down to the floor while his feet were still planted.

And he fell down and one of his legs went out and his other leg was bent gruesomely back and they were so attending then to make sure he was okay it took like another 30 seconds before a ref just reached over and straightened his out this is a long time ago this is like when it was uh I think in like the 2000s that one happened so ago this is like when it was uh i think in like the 2000s that one happened so yeah putting some video to this right now it was it was like no it's the fucking joe theismann hit the entire goddamn night i'm like you dude i can't watch it i can't watch a guy's knee bend the way that it shouldn't i can't watch a fucking limb just completely out of place with flopping around dude i can't i really can't do it and like i don't care if it's the guy i want to win the fight or don't i don't want to see any of that

shit at all thing is is if you watched it long enough it wouldn't phase you i like the knockouts rain just you just get used to it yeah you're eating a sandwich straight and the guy's fucking leg out just wouldn't affect you at all i know a comic named uh mick thomas shout out to mick thomas he's a comic in long island from ireland moved here he was a kickboxing champion in europe and he's funny as shit but he's just that tough irish he's got the thick irish accent guy was a kickboxing champion and he needs something in his life so he moves here to do stand-up had to do gold gloves just because he's built like that but he was talking about he got in there one time and he was fighting he won a championship but he

got in there one time and he's like dude this guy hit him so hard he goes you know the way everybody complains to the ref about why just stop. It was like I was thrilled. He was just like, because guys go, come on, man. But he goes like, there are times you're just like, thank God the guy went like this because he's doing you a favor. But that guy, Usman, who fought Mazgadal, brought like, I guess, his hero and his whole life is his dad. Right. And he brings his dad. But then he brings his little daughter then he brings a family and he's going into a fight to a guy that's doing shit like this

and going like it's gonna be it's gonna be violent i don't i don't know how like listen if if you bombed in front of your wife and kids right if i bombed in front of my wife i'd be like hey daddy had a rough day at the office you know that it. We're going to watch a movie. That'd be tough enough to do that. It would be tough to go, hey, daddy, the crowd, whatever, were your kids sitting there? Getting put to fucking sleep or just alcohol and your fucking eyes rolling? That's what the thing is.

It's almost like you turn into a fucking, you have a seizure. Fuck that, dude. Yeah. Losing a fight. Another man beat you up and your wife is sitting there watching it. Oh, because here's the thing. You know, six months later, you get an argument. She's bringing that up.

Then she quickly apologized. Sorry, I got upset. I shouldn't have said that. And then you got to act like she didn't fucking say that shit. I'm busting my ass trying to fucking pay. You know what else? You know who else busted your ass? More like falling on your ass after you took that fucking left hook.

I told you you should have had more head movement. You wouldn't listen to me. Oh, you know the wives are definitely like, Stacey would be like that. Because Stacey would be like, not in a bad way, but she'd be like, I didn't think you were moving enough. Just because of love, she would try to like. My wife would root for the other guy.

She caught her on the right day. She'd still feel bad for me, but if you caught her on the right day, she would root for the other guy. She caught her on the right day. She'd still feel bad for me, but if you caught her on the right day, she would root for the other guy. Maybe not to win, but she'd want me to earn it. Take a few. Oh, that's so funny. Like during the fight, she's thinking back to old fights, like old fights in the kitchen, and she's like, just fucking hit him hard.

I brought it on myself. I can't blame her. Just hit him hard. But that it on myself. I can't blame her. Just hit him hard. But that's why the UFC is the best. The UFC is the fucking, when is the last time you saw a meaningful, the last time there was a meaningful boxing match was Tyson Fury.

Jake Paul versus that fucking plumber. He wasn't a plumber, but he had a belly like one. Oh no, I said he looked like he just had Twinkies. It was fucking awful, dude. That guy went in for for a paycheck i don't give a fuck what anybody says dude you don't come into a fight like that you know looking like that and his hands were down watch it again i was a former ufc guy and i'm fighting a youtube star i mean i don't i'm like yeah all right i'll do the road work why did vegas have the favorite dana white was like i bet a million dollars a ufc that guy was a 19 and 2 ufc fighter and one of the two losses was when he got that fucking knee to the head

which happened right out of the gate which nobody expected so you mean to tell me that's that same guy the guy that uh the guy that mazgad kneed in the head and was down twitching in five seconds. That was the guy. Oh, wow. Yeah. And the reason why Jake Paul hand picked him was because all he wants to do in the UFC is wrestle. He's like a he's like a United States champion. He's a great wrestler. Can't box. I don't know. It's all entertainment. It's just whatever you want. I mean, they can put the Real Housewives on TV. They can put that shit on TV.

People want to watch it. They can go and fucking watch it. I do think it's fucking hilarious that people in the UFC. Any comments on Jake Paul? They got to say that shit. It's fucking, it's like, you know, you and I playing like, you know, pick up basketball. And then later on that night, like fucking Westbrook. Hey, so what'd you think about Verzi's handle?

And then they got to sit there being like, I mean, you know, for a dad in his backyard, he's pretty good, I guess. I'm sure he's maybe doing some damage in that cul-de-sac uh how is he getting it happening how does jake paul get that because he understands the art of hate he gets it it's like he he has a black belt in being hateable that's what he's doing and those guys just keep doing shit so you're gonna you're gonna watch it because you just so want to see this guy get punched in his fucking face yep i i steer clear of that shit all that my shit is oh i want to see the real shit right so like i didn't even get

though when you know when uh mcgregor fought uh uh was it oh yeah yeah i didn't even i didn't i'm not fucking watching one of the best boxers of all time fight one of the best mma guys of all time but fighting boxing rules that's just like all right we got a mathematician and a historian we're gonna see who's smarter by only doing math we Yeah. We were watching that fight and Bobby Kelly, I got back from vacation and Bobby Kelly was like, dude, I'm having the fucking the inflatable. He had

like a big... I'm broadcasting it on the bottom side of an above ground pool I just bought on eBay. It's an apple above ground pool, dude. And dude, the projector... It turned into a house the second the fucking thing's over, dude. Dude, the projector's my watch. It's fucking nuts.

It's unreal. I just sit here like this rubbing my chin. You guys can see it. But anybody fucks with me, it goes away. So Bobby invites like a bunch of people. And I remember Dante showed up. Dante DeRosa showed up. And I'm sitting there. And you know. And I remember Dante showed up. Dante DeRosa showed up.

And I'm sitting there. And you know me. I got back from vacation. I told my wife, you know, I'm going to go to Bobby's, watch the fight. Bobby was handing out. It's funny. Bobby was handing out Cubans. And I saw him give a Cuban to a kid that didn't know cigars. And I just go, dude.

That's on him. He's been smoking cigars too long. But you know what? That's his need to be liked and he just dude i gotta take it to the next level dude no you know what i actually i actually applaud him doing that you know what he did because he was just like everybody at my party is going to get the same thing regardless so even though like after the fact i go dude you might want to say but you got a question where it came from from a childhood of no love and trying to make up for it.

Dude, I've done the exact same fucking thing. And when you walk away and you come back and you see that half-smoking thing already put out in the ashtray, slobbered all over. Dude, he made – He started looking around the party. Where is he? where is he where is he i saw a fucking three-quarter cuban in the ashtray and i'm going we talked about it afterwards so funny but uh so anyway we're watching mcgregor fight mayweather and mcgregor had like a couple of good rounds you know and i'm going i don't know dude he could you know it's just stupid me buying into it and

dante's going paul you understand what you're seeing here like he would he like mayweather knows what he's doing he would never marry him so you feel like you're getting your money's worth yes he he he let it go because if that thing goes around it's just everybody's like that was ridiculous he should have knocked him out in a fucking round and then would have been what did you dumb asses think was going to happen? This is a lesson to all of you. And then hold up his money and fucking walk out. Yeah, it's really true. It doesn't make any sense. Let's take a basketball player and a fucking volleyball player. We'll see who's a better athlete by only playing volleyball.

I don't know. He's pretty tall. He can dunk a ball. I don't know. Hey. I don't know. He's pretty tall. He can dunk a ball. I don't know. Hey, good on Jake Paul for making millions of dollars by fucking having people out there want to see him get knocked out. The guy's got the biggest musical. Justin Bieber did a fucking set before the fight. He's getting all those guys. He's getting Snoop Dogg is just smoking weed, talking about it. And the guy's capitalizing on it. Snoop within the show i mean it's worth just to listen

to his commentator i saw the first i saw the one when tyson fought is the one with tyson fought is that the same jake paul shit yes he fought nate robinson he fought he fought the basketball player nate robinson on the first one oh they wanted to see they wanted to see a professional athlete go against him, and he knocked him out bad. You know what my favorite thing about Jake Paul is? I love the belt, the championship belt. He's 3-0, and he already has the belt.

How do you win a title in three fights? Oh, my God. He started his own league, and he just came in as the champion. It's like I love wrestling. That is a story right out of wrestling. What if Jake Paul becomes the Vince McMahon of his own shit like that, and it's basically celebrity versus somebody that thinks they could fight? I hope he does.

I mean, let's go through a couple of good ones, Bill. Let's go through a couple of good ones. Oh, I think the crowd's going to love this. Do you want Jake Paul to fight next? No, no, no. Let's come up with our own. Who would you want to see if it was our fucking lead? I want to see Herschel Walker get in the ring with Jake Paul.

What about old timers? What about Jim Brown versus Bill Russell? A fight to the death, man. They're too old. Don't do that. I'll tell you what, dude. Oh, I got one for you. The undercard is that pedophile from Subway, and he's fighting for his freedom.

If he wins, he's on the loose again oh shit well you just have him fight some guy that you know is going to kick the shit out of him so then people can enjoy it what are we saying what do we say to the youth that you're gonna let this kid you know all these states are bankrupt. One of those states would probably do it if they got a piece of the purse. Dude, Barack Obama versus Cuomo in a fucking in a fucking fucking all do that against Trump. Finally settled the grudge match. Obama roasted him.

Trump took his house. It's one one. but i think obama they gotta fucking have it out no but obama's too young trump is trump is seven trump's not that mcdonald's weight he could lean on him he'd be tired by the third round andrew how old is uh obama and how old is cuomo i'm buying that fight for 50 i would love to see trump walking down which cuomo the the governor the the uh andrew 55 uh hang on sorry oh my god dude kyle dunnigan's Cuomo? 63. Oh, my God. Oh, it's every – that kid is – 63?

Yeah. And how old's Barack? I bet you Barack is probably – Barack's got to be 60. That's a good fight. Both – what? 59 with a birthday in August. Okay, so he's going to be 60. He's 60 already? Fuck, time goes by.

Who does Vegas have?ack versus fucking cuomo barack's got the age on him probably has a republican cuomo's a democrat you can't you gotta have you gotta have like bloods versus crips here blue versus red you gotta have that yeah uh yeah i guess that'd be fucking to herschel herschel walker would fuck somebody i just saw herschel walker in a news thing because he's a really big like herschel walker's a big right-wing republican so he goes on all the networks like that and he and he looks like he could fuck it his neck is still like he looks like if you hand him the ball in a game today he's going for four yards out of the game. He used to do like a thousand sit-ups watching the Cosby show.

And then his next show, he'd do like 500 push-ups. He said he never lifted a weight in his life. The guy was just. Yeah. He actually, I think, I want to say he tried MMA for a second. Oh, did he? Yeah, like in his late 40s. I to say like 10 15 years ago he uh he attempted that stuff he's an incredible athlete it takes uh i think it takes one of the i think

it's the i'll go as far as to say it's the most balls of any sport to be a ufc fighter you have some kind of there's something there that like rock clim have. That's right. That's why all of those guys, you know, you got to respect anybody that has the ball because how much you can get hurt permanently, right? And then secondly, the humiliation of a loss, like having to, however, how you get past that, how fighters, forget about like just training knowing there's another world-class athlete out there analyzing your tape that make me nauseous trying to figure

out how to send my jaw around my head the balls that that takes uh that's why i like rose the way she comes in totally still and just calm. Yeah. Like that first, that first time she won the championship with that woman in her second language was this Saturday boogie woman. I don't know why nobody told it. Don't say that boogie woman shit. She goes boogie woman come for you. And she's just sitting there staring at like, yeah,

whatever, whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Calm. Any, anytime I watch a UFC fight, man,

it's like when me and you used to watch a football game and we say, let's bet on it right before, right. As the teams come out, same with the UFC. It's all, every time I see somebody win, you hear Rogan or the another announcer go, ah, he's just breathing better. He's just calm. It's like, they're just waiting for the thing, but, um, still not good. Cause there's a lot of time I see guys talking and they kind of, they're trying to smile, but they can't have like that. They have that look on their face like they look like they're nervous.

And I go, that guy's nervous. He's going to lose. And I don't know that it's still 50 50. For me, anyways, I'm not I'm not good at picking. That's why that kid, Brendan Schaub, who started doing went to comedy after that. And he tells a story on that Comedy Central show. This is not happening where he walked in the ring and like his dad is there then he sees like leonardo dicaprio and he tells this really great story man you're just watching and he's like dude he's like i'm just like my you know he's just like my whole thing and then he was like he looks at the guy come in he talks about

how the lights went down for the other guy coming in there's song and it was like this hawaiian shit it was just like oh what the fuck is this right and he's just telling the whole story and he goes and i just go in and he goes and they start and he goes i run at him and he just said like i mean i'm probably butchered it's his story but he's just like then i just kind of woke up so what happened like he just he just got Remember when you had to fight a kid after school, how nerve-wracking that was? The girl you liked showed up and everything. It was fucking brutal.

Dude, you ever fight after school with Leonardo DiCaprio sitting there, some supermodel? You're like, oh, man, I can't lose this one. If I lose, please knock me out so I don't have to fucking look at anybody as I go to leave. But when you watch guys get brutally knocked out, you see them looking. I saw one guy, he literally was going because he was winning the fight.

He won the first two rounds. And then he went to shoot against that Derrick Lewis kid. And Derrick Lewis was losing the fight, but he was waiting because he knew the guy was going to shoot. And as the guy shot, he uppercut him. And you see his neck go like this and his eyes went. And he was out cold before he hit the ground. And he literally sat up like a minute and a half later and he goes what happened like these guys get knocked the foot they don't know what how it ended i know dude and that stuff

it's that's not like that happens and then you're the same person after because i've heard they'd rather get choked out or submitted than than that and taking that, because that's all that fucking CTE shit and everything. That's my only thing with the UFC is the amount of hits guys take after they're out. That whole fucking hitting the ground and then the guy, bam, bam, bam. And then you always get the two-piece and then the fucking three-hammer fist fucking side order is coming. It's like when you go to a taco stand. No matter what, you're getting those little fucking chips.

You don't even order them. They come in that little thing. That's a UFC. You're getting three of those fucking hammer fists, and you're just laying there. Yeah. That's what my wife hates. My wife is like, why is he still hitting him? I was like, because the ref didn't do this.

It's like, yeah. I think they could do some things to make it. What about the guys when the guy falls down and they do like that fucking like Dr. J dunk, but it's a fist. The amount of times they actually miss, though. When they come in with the fucking thing, you'd be surprised how accurate they are. By thinking the excitement of knocking the guy out, they get a little un- when they come in with the fucking thing you'd be surprised how accurate they are by thinking the excitement of knocking the guy out they get a little on in it it's funny the guy's spending the whole time going like this he still gets hit and then when he's just laying there it's like

bull durham go ahead throw it throw it in my head and he fucking sent it through the glass for a 33 year old movie reference yeah and you know what's weird too when we watch it it's like when you watch baseball right and a ball curves and we're like why you swing at that to our we don't realize the batter is seeing they like a scientist broke it down it literally to the batter looks like the ball is coming where they can hit it and then it drops we on tv see it slower so we're going what the fuck is he swinging at you with a catcher catcher're going, what the fuck is he swinging at? You see where the catcher catches it in the throat. What the fuck is he swinging at?

That's why Barry Bonds was such an amazing hitter because they lined up when he decided to swing was like a half a second later than the average batter because he had such quick hands. So he had the advantage of knowing where the ball was going to be. And that's the, that was that change. I got to,

I got to tell you guys a story about that. You're going to, you're going to love, but I just wanted to say like, that's why with the UFC I'm going, how come they didn't see that head kick? Like when Rose, when Rose kicked that,

the lady and knocked her out. And, but she was just standing there and kind of just eased over. And then the left just hit her out. But she was just standing there and kind of just eased over. And then the left just hit her right here and she did not see the kick and knocked her out cold. And I'm thinking,

how do you not see somebody trying to kick your head? That's how fast and good it is. But I got to tell you guys a story about it. There's got to be something to where it's coming from below. Because I don't know how the fuck, because I always heard fighters,

they look right here and they can tell by whatever you do with your shoulder. I still don't get it. I don't get how the because i always heard fighters they look right here and they can tell by whatever you do with your show i still don't get it i don't get how those guys can sit there those pro fighters and just go like this and somehow that big mitt just goes right by your head i don't i it's the most fascinating thing ever but i would think if a kick is coming from down there like if they if they did they fake something up here yeah you're looking up there and then all of a sudden it's just like oh shit nothing else is moving is something coming from the lower floor boom i think if they do something with their hands they're waiting to like project like protect the jab and then i think these people are just so good with their feet it's

really really fucking remarkable what they could do. We should probably get an expert on here, Paul, because we could sit here. You know what? I think maybe it's the lights. We don't know shit about this. But definitely worth the money. But I didn't rent the Jake Paul shit, nor did I. I saw the one before that, but there was just something about, I don't know.

There was something sad about the whole thing. No, it was. It really was. I felt a little depressed after watching the whole thing. It's just like there's a lot of, you know. Well, there was a simultaneous UFC card on during it. So I just went back and forth. But here's a you're going to love. All right, everybody, it's time to listen to me and Paul read out loud again.

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You did. It's nice to get it right. Didn't that make you feel good, didn't it? all right express vpn you know i know that none of you watch porn but in case you have any friends that do ah he fucked that up express vpn i know that none of you watch porn but just in case you have friends that do you want to pay attention to this with everything going on in the world governments have increased their surveillance. They're using your devices to track your location, movements, and in many countries, your internet activity. You don't want to be literally caught with your pants down. And one of the best ways to keep your online browsing activity private is by using ExpressVPN or jerking off to your imagination. Keep it clean. When you use ExpressVPN, your internet connection is rerouted through a secure encrypted server so you can surf the web anonymously without anyone looking over your shoulder.

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Bet anything, anytime, anywhere with mybookie. I don't know, guys. I think we're starting to get these reads nice and nasty now. I wouldn't say nasty. Better, Paul. Come on. Let's not get crazy. This, I'm on the couch, and I just looked at Stacey at 930, almost 10,

and I go, I want shrimp. She goes, what? I This, I'm on the couch and I just looked at Stacey at 930, almost 10. And I go, I go, I want shrimp. And she goes, what? I go, I want cold shrimp on ice. And she goes, what do you, I go, I have to have that now. I have the craving. And I go, you want shrimp and oysters? And she's like, I'm not.

And I was like, fuck it. Let's get in. Lucas loves that. Lucas loves shrimp and oysters. So I call up like a really nice, it's like a 15 minute drive seafood restaurant that has an unbelievable raw bar. And I just get on the phone and I'm like, I said, Stacy, I don't give a fuck. I'll pay hundreds. We're getting it now. So I found out and I ended up going, I go, how much for, I go, how much for fucking 36 shrimp? It's right before the Super Super Bowl. You're literally ordering crustaceans.

You just say, I don't give a fuck. Yeah. So I go, how much for 30? You're going all the way on this one, man. Yeah. How much for 30? You think I give a fuck? I ask you if I want to call Mark.

I go, how much for 36 jumbo shrimp and 24 oysters? And dude, I'm not going to lie. It comes out to, it's no, uh, you know, it's not like buying a couple of pies. I can promise you that it's not a pizza party, but I said, fuck it. And I go out there and I go, give me the, you know, the, the vinegar, the hot sauce, the Tabasco. And I went out there and it was a fucking platter and me, Lucas, we just sit and we're just there and it was a fucking platter and me Lucas would just sit and we're just fucking it was it was fucking awesome dude I'm telling you everybody always does the chicken the wings the pizza for get-togethers and fights go seafood just put out a fucking tray of

ice with shrimp all over it people are gonna lose their fucking minds it's cold refreshing game changer yeah fucking yeah it is i can't eat that shit anymore dude really dude my son is disappointing your voice i don't know what i used to love shrimp cocktail i fucking can't stand it anymore what about what dude my son's 11 he'll eat an oyster lucas just puts it on the thing and i'm just and he's the pickiest eater like his mother he won't eat anything but like pizza and all like the kid, he takes cheese off pizza. I mean, it's, that's a whole other sin, but like, and then the kids slurping fucking oysters. Yeah, I can. But Andrew, you brought something up. I got to tell you guys a story.

So Pete Davidson hits me up like a year, like before the year, before the pandemic, Pete hits me up and he knows how much I love the Knicks. You guys know how much I love the Knicks. And he goes, Paul, I got tickets to the Knicks. You want to go? I'm like, yes, we're going. Right. So we go and we get the, the same thing I got that the Mazzilli's got us when I opened for you at the garden, like you get the fucking, so, uh, we go in there and, you know, they do the pour and the drink. And you can't tip. Like, it's one of those. It's like when me and, you know, when I fucking ended up sleeping on your couch, I almost got divorced.

So I'm getting hammered. And now they walk. And Pete, Pete's seat, the SNL seats are fucking, like, there. Like, even the garden seats that, that like hooked me up with that time with Mazzilli, like they're like, you're like kind of sitting where the owner is, but you're a little back. That seems like another lifetime ago. I can't imagine going to a game.

So, so we're sitting there and we're like on the Knicks bench. Like you hear that, you hear what the coach is saying. We're sitting there and I'm sitting next to this guy and his hair slicked back and he had his shit together and a beard. And I'm sitting there and I'm like three tall vodkas in and Porzingis is on the team at the time. So it's right before that trade. I'm jumping up and this fucking I'm jumping up. And at one point, Porzingis did something. I jumped up and I almost was on the court and everybody's fucking like all the people are like, oh, shit, this guy's really into this. Right. I had friends from high school going, you're sitting. So anyway, like, I see you. I see you. So Pete's like, you want to go get more drinks? And I'm like, who am I to say? It twists my arm.

So we go back and we start getting more drinks. the guy ushering us is going you know who you're sitting next to and i was like no no who is that guy he goes that's the new at the time he goes that's that's the new mets manager that's mickey calloway right and i'm like oh okay you know so great name yeah so we come back i get i get it i get a drink and now i'm sitting next to it's him the new head coach of the mets the new manager of the mets and his and the mets trainer and he, and the Mets trainer. And he's like, oh, you guys are comedians. That's great. He's given us cars. Anytime you want to come to batting practice,

like all this shit, you know, little does he know. I said to him though, I didn't realize I said this to him. I'm hammered now. I don't fucking hammer. I'm like, yeah, I do. Congratulations on a new job, man. You're going to love New York. I'm fucking trying to be welcoming. You know, I'm fucking hammered up, slurring probably. Right. And yeah. So he was the Indians pitching coach. He was the Indians pitching coach the year before.

And we came back and beat the Indians in the series and game. That was when that was when we were all out and Berkowitz goes, I go, I don't care if I'm on stage, just come out and tell me that the Yankees won or lost. And he said they like, and I was in the middle of a joke and I fumbled up. Remember? Oh, I remember that. Yeah. Yeah. So we. Thumbs up or thumbs down. We were in Tampa.

I go thumbs up, thumbs down. If it's thumbs down, we're going to lose. And if we lose, it means we go down. Oh, two in a best of five, which you were pacing the stage. And then you turn to the side of the stage where you're at. You stage you saw him you're like and he went thumbs down you were so i got dude yeah so so so bartnick goes mercy mercy i swear to god bartnick mercy they're gonna come back to new york they're gonna win they're gonna win three in a row and he happens to be right but game five was nuts and we win i don't realize that he's the fucking, that he was the pitching coach of Cleveland. So I'm like, ah, yeah,

I'll be honest with you. I'm not really a myth. I'm a Yankee fan. I was like, you know, I was like, I'll tell you what that game seven against Cleveland. And I just, I was like, that was incredible. And he kind of just, he kind of just stayed quiet. But I said to him, I go, let me ask you something. I was like, I don't mean to ask you anything about baseball you know and he goes no no please please he goes actually i love talking baseball i go you've been in a game a long time you're a new manager who's the greatest hitter you've ever seen live your whole life and he just goes oh and then one second he just goes dude he goes easy he goes he goes, did he say easy? He goes, Barry Bonds.

He goes, the thing about Barry Bonds is he goes, Barry Bonds, he goes, just never let a pitcher, if the pitcher made one mistake, he goes, he's the only guy that if the pitcher makes one mistake in an at-bat, he gets you. And he goes, dude, I've seen, and he was just like, it's like nothing like it. If a pitcher fucks up, and I'm just, he goes, dude, I've seen. And he was just like, it's like nothing like it. If a pitcher fucks up and I'm just, and I thought that that was really cool. It's the only question that I asked him. But the more and more I talk to people about baseball, they say that

that was the, even before the allegations, before he turned into a- He played during that steroid era because I thought he was a victim of it because he was the guy. And then all these guys started taking roids before him. Right. And then they became the guy. The president's calling them about their home run streak rather than calling him. So he's like, I fuck it. Here's me on roids. That's kind of how I feel it went. Yeah. Yeah.

It's like if everybody's juicing and all of a sudden they're passing him and they're not really and you know the owners knew what the fuck was going on i think and they weren't doing anything about it so it's like all right yeah go get me a bigger hat i'm in fuck it yeah you're imagine that right you're the fucking let's just you know you're, imagine that, right? You're the fucking, let's just, you know, you're a great comedian. One of the best. All of a sudden, these two, three other comedians start stealing those tickets. And they start not talking about you anymore. And you were the motherfucker, right?

No, they took a substance that made them funnier. And you found out. And all of a sudden, everybody's writing articles on them. And no one's stopping. I got to get on the juice you know it'd be like some of those colorful cereals from the early 70s like tricks mixed with like fruit loops some of that shit that makes your mind fucked up turns the milk a different color you drink that shit that's like uh the Nutty Professor. Yeah. Well, I wouldn't. That's why, man, like baseball was ruined.

That era of baseball ruined records. It ruined everything. And I hate to say it, but it ruined, even though they say they don't care, it ruined Roger Clemens. It ruined Barry Bonds. It takes away from what Alex Rodriguez is amazing. It was a period of time. What the fuck are you going to do?

No, I'm just saying. What everybody forgets is how much fun it was to watch baseball players on steroids. It was fucking unbelievable. I'm not going to name names, but I went down during one person's home run chase, and I watched this dude take batting practice. I was at a San Diego Padres game. Me and this commit, Dan Smith. We were sitting in the upper deck, dude,

and this guy, everybody else, we'd already watched other people's batting practice and they were hitting home runs. Dude, his shit went like, was coming at you like a missile. You're like, fuck. Everything else, you were like, fuck, I want to catch that. His shit, you were just like, get out of the fucking way.

It was amazing. It was fucking amazing. I'm an old man at heart, so I love, dude, if I could somehow figure out a way to watch TV outside, I just hate technology. Dude, get a projector,

dude. You fucking do this dude I I if I could just sit in a lawn chair on Father's Day and watch a baseball game and keep score and with like two of the shittiest teams in the league I would be in heaven I don't know why I do it's it you know what it is is i'm a i got thunder and lightning going on between my ears although i'm getting rid of it dude i'm not as fucked up as i used to be i like to think but like that's why i like slow shit smoking a cigar a sedan i like to slow i don't need like to be driving like some crazy fucking car that's the car version of my what my fucking brain is doing i want to slow shit down so i love i used to love when i was on the road

hitting fucking day games when i had like a college uh later on that night and i would get the scorecard with the little stupid free pencil barracuda jacket jacket, Bill? Barracuda jacket, of course. And I would just sit there by myself and everybody would go, look at this fucking 80-year-old and a 30-year-old body. And I would just sit there, fucking hot dog, beer. And dude, I remember one time

I went to a Cincinnati Reds game and they were just terrible. And all I just remember, all I think I really can remember was the sea of red seats. And I went there, my old man shit, right? To sit there and keep score. And there was these two guys just boozing in front of me. And they were going, I gotta ask you, you came in and sucked this year. What are you doing? I told them what my deal was. And next thing you know, they bought me a round, dude. And I don't remember anything from the sixth inning on. We got fucking hammered. Then I was buying them rounds. And there was this little place where you

could get shots. Dude, we got so fucking loaded. And we were just laughing our balls off. And then I remember for a while, it was like, I felt like I hadn't talked to him for a while like you know when you like passed out but you didn't pass I think blacking out is what they call I kind of blacked out for a couple of innings and I remember like two of the three of them were gone and one of them was sitting in front of me like asleep and then I kind of came to like I can't be doing this anymore man I'm too old to do this and I just wandered out of the park before the end of the game dude it was like it's not like a horror movie where you wake up others are dead dude this was like this is during the day and i remember too it was also was early in the year so

it was kind of fucking freezing out it was one of those things where like the sun was you could get a sunburn but also get hypothermia like one of those fucking early spring days man yeah and i just remember i just remember the guy's red face that's all i remember he just kept going he's guys guys a comedian like spitting as he's talking we would just fucking spitting on each other he's talking just fucking hammered spitting on each other. He's talking just fucking hammered. That's great, man. I, I love, I actually, when I went to California and we went to a Dodger game,

we were sitting right on the railing and left field on the, on the level up dude. And I had a hot dog and I got to tell you, Dodger stadium. I fucking love, I love where we were sitting. We could see everything. It was sunny. You see the mountains in the back and i was just like this is like that's when baseball is is uh let's be honest though it is a tougher watch on to you like being there you just got to get into the it's like watching a soap opera you can't pop in every other week you got to know what's going on you got to just keep like i'm gonna get the baseball if I had the time dude I lived in New York I used to I had the baseball package I just watched the Red Sox every night I would tape the game I'd watch it every single night I knew I knew the pitching lineup

I knew I'm middle Leaf I knew the whole thing I loved it I couldn't wait for a three game series in in Minnesota or whatever the hell they were doing. It's still a great game. If you're into numbers and you keep score, like you ever keep score in like a perfect game, like whoever gets to do that, just how it's like every third inning, the same three guys get up in the same order and he just knocks them down. Batters 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. batters one two three four five six seven eight nine one two three four five six seven eight nine three times in a row zero zero zero i mean it just like out of everything that they say you watch gymnastics and they get like a perfect 10 as amazing as that is you know what i mean it's like you ran down the fucking runway you did your flips did your flips. The fucking shit is over so fast, even though it is amazing.

Yeah. To sit there and sustain perfection for three hours. And even when you're not pitching, which is probably even worse, you've got to go sit on the bench and think about it. And then everybody's going, don't talk to him. Don't talk to him because you'll jinx him, which makes it even worse, I would think. Yeah, I think like that and holding the lead, holding the lead of a master's or a major going into Sunday when they've been talking about you and everyone's trying to catch you. That's that's a good one, too. But the pitching one, I had a friend go on a date, took a girl to David Wells.

Perfect game. And she's's going this is boring nothing's happening and he goes do you realize what the fuck you're seeing she's going why aren't they hitting this is and he's just going god i wish i was with a friend he took a girl that he like and they didn't end up i still remember i still remember being at the comedy, the comic strip. Lucian Holt, rest his soul, was a huge Yankee fan. And he went to the Yankee game with a bunch of strip comics. I want to say John Bush was there. I can't remember who was there, but they were all sitting there like going, what the fuck?

I can't believe I saw that. This is the greatest thing ever. I heard their story. I did the spot. And then I was walking up the street because I used to live on 97th and Lex. Right. So I was walking up the street. And as I walked up the street, I think it was the same night. I can't remember. I saw David Wells in a bar drinking amongst people because you know how he was. Right. He was just like he was like a charles barkley type like yeah yeah whatever i'm in fucking nba let's have you know let's fucking

hang out right he was just in the middle of all of them people saying congratulations he was like going thanks and dude he was just getting fucking hammered the way the way we i did anyway back in the day and i remember thinking uh i thought it was right because i actually really really liked that team that 98 team because it was it was homegrown you know yeah uh couldn't hate on it they were just so fucking good i never saw a team score more goddamn runs with two outs they just rally yeah that team took more pitches than a lot of other teams in history too man those guys took pitches those guys had pitch counts high. They made the pitcher work.

Joe Torre teams – you know, Joe Torre got a lot of shit. A lot of people thought he should have been fired earlier than he was. But the one thing about his teams is they took pitches, man. They looked at pitches. What about a dynasty didn't people like? I couldn't believe how much shit he was getting. You guys do that shit all the time in New York. They question Eli his whole fucking career. How many times

did he have to beat Brady and Belichick before you thought this guy was legit? Look at his road playoff win. The guy didn't get hurt. The guy didn't get hurt since 2004. He was never hurt. There's got to be something to be said about that. The guy never got hurt. You got four Super Bowls. He won half of them on the center.

What is the problem? I told you the center. I went to a problem. I told you this. I went to a Monday night football game against the Rams after a Super Bowl when the guy sitting behind me goes, I'll tell you what, man. He goes, I'm not sold on this. He's like, is it ever enough? But that's what happened with Patrick Ewing. They never fought.

He had to say that in his retirement speech. He goes, you guys didn't know what you had with me, and I didn't know what I had with you, and everybody cheered. You know how fucking sad that is? I didn't like how he had to take a part of the responsibility. He was just a kid. He was just a kid. It wasn't his fault.

He's fucking – I don't know. Selfish. Weird thing. I'm trying to remember that 98 infield. It was Chuck Knobloch. Don't tell me. Cheater. And I'm trying to remember that 98 infield it was Chuck Knobloch, don't tell me cheater, and I'm trying to remember any third baseman, I know it was a blonde guy Socious or Brocious

Scotty Brocious Tino Martinez, of course first baseman, and then I wanted to say it was Joe Girardi with Posada backing him up Joe Girardi and Posada were the thing, and then you had – Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Paul O'Neal, Bernie Williams.

It's a Red Sox fan doing this, dude. And your left fielder. That wasn't that blonde-haired kid who was hitting all those home runs for a minute in September. I loved him. Yeah, no, he came later. You're thinking of Spencer. Shane Spencer in 99 had one of the best Septembers anybody I've ever seen.

Yeah. We had Shane Spencer. We also had this guy, Chad Curtis. Our left field was kind of like a, our left field was like a platoon for white guys with military haircuts. He just, no, the knock on Tory was he just killed arms of the eighth inning guy because he went to him every night. So what he would do is he would get a setup guy for Mariano, but he put him in every night. And then by the time you were done with the Yankees after three,

four years of doing that, you were fucking, your arm was done. Yeah, but the guy won four titles in five years. What is the problem? Yeah. No, I the guy won four titles in five years. What is the problem? Yeah. No, I think he won. It worked. He won. Did he win?

No, no, no. That was. He won four. Girardi won one. Girardi was 0-9. Girardi won the 0-9 one. Yeah. Four fucking.

He said it once. He goes, when we beat the Mets. This is what he said. He goes, when we beat the Mets in 2000. He goes, I thought it would beets, this is what he said. He goes, when we beat the Mets in 2000, he goes, I thought it would be nirvana for Steinbrenner. Steinbrenner liked beating the Mets more than he liked beating the Red Sox, I believe.

I believe Steinbrenner wanted to be the team. He hated that there was another team in New York. They hate it. So if like guys got fired, if we lost that series, guys lost their jobs like Steinbrenner. I don't know. I remember one time you guys beat us in a series in July and he started crying I mean who knows if there was a bet going on I mean just saying but uh he said he goes when we beat the when we beat the Mets in a World Series

I thought I was secure forever and he goes and then there's rumblings about my job there's no you know the way to be he he didn't know how to respect what he had that was my only knock against that guy like i feel like he never wanted anybody to be comfortable and it's just like i just felt like dude that's your own shit this thing is cruising let it fucking happen that's the fucking ego thing it's like that that fucking guy in chicago messing up the bulls like what is the problem that fucking happened that's the fucking ego thing it's like that that fucking guy in chicago messing up the bulls like what is the problem that fucking guy that fucking guy jerry kraus yeah dude it's like he wanted more ink on him yeah they apparently they on that guy these are more the disease of more you The disease of more. You win a championship, everybody wants more,

and that's why you don't repeat. People want more money. They want more playing time. They want more credit. They want more attention. They want more print. And we get away from what the fuck it is we're doing. One of the great analogies of all time.

He said that to the Lakers after 87, I believe, and that's what I think is a huge... Everybody does that. Everybody. Everybody does that. I then went back to back. Everybody in life does that. I remember being a comic, seeing comics on fucking best week ever, fucking stupid floating head. And I'd be like, if I could get one of those crap.

And then I remember, dude, I wanted to be on Chelsea lately because people were getting on it. That fucking shitty show. You fucking believe that? I wanted to get on that fucking disaster. Bunch of fucking people talking about pop stars that did more than them and i was like i could sell tickets and do that i probably shouldn't say it but i don't give a fuck yeah talking of shit about people you want to work with i remember when i was doing like those vh1 i love the 80s and stuff and they wanted you to trash these people.

It's like, I'm a fan of that. I want to work with that person someday. I might get an opportunity to work with this person and be like, well, you know, it would have happened, but you fucking, you did a joke, you know, on this fucking show I'm not even getting paid on. Yeah. Listen, good on the people that put them on. If you got on Chelsea lately and sold tickets, good for her for giving you that platform.

But I'm looking at the substance of the show. And it's like, yeah, it's like comedians forget. Like, they're using you to trash Janet Jackson because of something that happened. You're going like, Janet Jackson is a fucking icon. Why am I? Those VH1, I love all all of that shit they didn't pay any money they gave you cab fare and then finally the union finally these fucking unions are all bought off every fucking one of them they finally got you to get paid i think it was like 500 bucks

but then what was funny so then what they did was then they took all of their shows and then took all the similarities, edited them, re-edited them, chopped them all up and made like another 50 shows. So you got like you basically got paid like 10 bucks a show because then they had you on all these other shows. And then you were chasing this carrot that if you were on one of those shows, somehow you would be able to sell out a comedy club, you know? Yeah. From the guy who said that joke about a super soaker, he's at the Funny Bone this weekend. And then there'd be like 13 people there.

So for all you youngsters out there, anytime somebody says this is good exposure, that means they're fucking you out of money yeah yeah it's it's uh it's like we were talking about actors don't ever get paid in exposure actors taking a good script instead of any script right an actor sees a fucking movie and they're like this movie i fucking believe in it the script is incredible the writers are incredible and then you get somebody that wants to do like a fucking, you know, like a spoof thing where like you just have a, and I get it, man. You want the exposure.

You want to be the guy that was in that, but you also got to do the quality, man. It's hard. There is something to be said though, to just selling your soul. Just getting fucking paid and being in one of those those those one of those franchises that just keeps going and going like oh what do we do this time how do we do the fast and furious part because vin diesel is one of my favorite fucking like vin diesel dude in fucking Saving Private Ryan is fucking amazing. He's amazing.

And then he also had that sci-fi series of movies that he was in. Yeah. Riddick. Riddick, yeah. That was the shit, too. And I feel like people forget how good a fucking actor that guy is. I thought he was good in Boiler Room, too. Boiler Room? Boiler Room. Boiler Room. Yeah. a actor that guy is i thought he was good in boiler room too boiler room boiler room

boiler room yeah because what the did you tell them what the did you tell them yeah that voice he's got he was like a jack telly sabalis i loved him i loved that guy man uh it's just those fast and furious movies are are too like it's too young a movie i'm too I loved him. I fucking loved that guy, man. It's just those Fast and Furious movies are too, like, it's too young a movie. I'm too fucking old for that shit. But I do have to say, there's something to be said. The house that that buys through.

I mean, come on. We were talking about that. People in our business. Yeah, yeah. The people that kind of do that do have but it's the balance of life man at what cost you know at what fucking cost no it's but that's a personal question because i really think selling out like that's you you answer that question it's all how you feel after you did it. If you do that shit and you feel good, you're fucking on some jet ski that has your fucking face custom painted on

it. And that makes you happy. Then I don't think you sold out selling out. People always think it's like a money thing. I think selling out is just you do something. And then afterwards, if you feel like you need a shower you sold yourself out but don't ever listen to people say oh you if you still feel good about it they say you sold out then that makes you feel bad that's just because you let that shit in if you don't feel bad about it there's nothing wrong with it and no i get that somebody's got to do it yo i get that i get that but i'm not talking about so much of like selling out. Like when somebody goes mainstream and then the people give them shit going, he used to go to underground fucking bars. And that's what it was.

It's like, fuck you. He tried to get out of that and he fucking got out of that and he's fucking crushing it. So that I'm talking about people that like, you know, the people I remember like one time I saw a guy's like, guy was clearly like just being a piece of shit to the woman. He was like, yeah. And I was just like, it's like, i remember saying one time this guy and he was just like i was like man you was like you cheat on you cheat on your your girl he's like and he just kind of looked he didn't say yes or no but the answer he gave was like you knew and then i was like how long you've been with her

and he said some ridiculous amount of years and then you're just going oh this do this person will do anything to like, there's no conscious. Like when you don't have a conscience about what you're doing, you know, there's something like, those are the people that like, what you're going to be in a franchise. Okay. This is just going to be your last acting gig, but you're going to get paid what is it is it a western is it a sci-fi is it is it a born identity thing like what what is paul verzi you're gonna have to

do six of these fucking movies paul and i'm talking green screen they're gonna be yanking you up on fucking bungee cords and shit. Straws up your nose doing, I mean, I guess that's, it's like sci-fi or whatever. Yeah. I mean, if, if that, oh man, that's a, that's a good question. You know, like I would say if there was like some sort of like two things, and I know this is so crazy and so different, but I would either say something like if there was a like a godfather new godfather saga like if there was like another fucking like michael corleone type that they were like this is gonna be the the new mob family and it's gonna be like the new coppola shit and i mean

something like that but then again for my kids i would do something maybe that my kids thought was really cool like a you know like if star Wars was to say, we're going to be good answer. Yeah. If there, if star Wars going to make three new movies and it was going to be like the new return of the Jedi empire strikes back at like a new, and I had an opportunity for that, but there's no fucking Italians in space, which is not, which, which I wouldn't look right. I've never been an Italian out there. Not, not, no, dude. I mean right. Has there ever been an Italian out there? No, dude. I mean, Andrew, has there been an Italian character in any of the Star Wars franchise, anything?

I'm trying to think of names in Star Wars that might seem Italian, and none are coming to me. Italians are some of the most discriminated against people in fucking show business. They really are. They really are. really are it's either typecast i'm serious look name me other than the grandfathered in deniro pacino's you

know the scorsese pesci's other than that name me a guy you'd never see a guy you know with everybody paul cry me a fucking river no i'm I'm not complaining. I'm just saying. Let me say something, dude. It's what is happening. Ginger males. We have this corridor is what we get to play. You got to space, cocksucker.

No, I got to space. I had to sell out Madison Square Garden and shave my head and get rid of my unsightliness. If you could be in a blockbuster, would you do a Western? If you could be in a blockbuster. I would do a Western in a second. I would do a fucking Western.

I'd go learn how to ride a horse. I'd do that in a fucking second. Dude, my whole shit is just like, look, my shit, I do stand-up. I do podcasts. That's what pays the bill. Acting shit that I do is just stuff that's going to be, that's really well written and is going to be, and, you know, they're trying to do something great.

That's my shit. I will do that. I show, you know, I just did one recently. Might've been the most fun I've had. And I've had a lot of fun on these acting gigs. I mean, I mean, obviously, look, King of Staten Island, I got to hang with Pete and everybody for the whole summer. And I was just like going to summer camp. That was awesome. But this one here, I can't say anything about it. But it was shit is fun, man. I'm serious. You know, a lot of people,

you know, I don't know, I don't think they they respect acting but if you actually try to get good at it you start to see it's just like stand-up it's just like this killing and then there's these other levels of it and uh i don't know look what i found what's that oh my god my dude look at that dude that, that was. You got to get that framed, man. That was the first day. And that's when I took all those pictures because I played Pete's dad that died in a fire. And I'm taking all these pictures and I'm holding things like bags that are supposed to be the kids. And, yeah, that's the day you splattered the sauce on me.

That was a long day. Is that that day? That was that day. That was that day. That was that day. You came up to the pictures because you had finished. You came up to the pictures. I finished the pictures. We went out to eat.

And yeah, I remember I shot the scene. Then everyone's going, oh, there's a buzz about the scene. Then I find out it doesn't make the film. And I remember talking to my manager and he goes yeah that's gonna happen a lot he goes he goes you're gonna shoot things and you're gonna and they're gonna be like it's great and then it doesn't make it and i was like fuck man it happened it doesn't happen a lot it happens though yeah yeah well i guess listen look if you just if it's one scene yeah you got a pretty high chance yeah that that might get cut but you know you just kind if it's one scene, yeah, you've got a pretty high chance that that might get cut.

But, you know, you just kind of... You try to grab something that is moving the story along. Yeah. Rather than building... If it's just a scene that's sort of building the characters and showing who they are, they can snip a lot of that away. But if it's sort of moving the ball forward, they're going to need that or else

there's gonna be like a hole in it or something listen to me like i know what the fuck i'm talking about there's two there's two really good quotes about selling out i've heard one of them was jeffrey tambor uh took a job and he took it for the money and al pacino said to him how much steak can you eat and it was kind of like the point like you know what do you what are you doing this for like how much money do you need another one uh a a good one is Ben Stiller said to Gene Hackman, oh, you know, I really love the Poseidon adventure. I saw it when I was a kid. It meant a lot to me. I saw it with my dad.

And he goes, oh, yeah, money gig. Just kind of like brushed it off. He said that? Wow. The best one was Michael Caine. Michael Caine. That's the other good one yeah michael cain was they brought up jaws 3 which was not good they go did you see michael did you see

jaws 3 he was like no but i saw the house that it bought that's over that's over yeah i mean they just shouldn't they should have just thought of a better storyline than the shark following them to the Bahamas where it couldn't survive in that water environment. Like that Jaws 3. Is that how they got it in the end? The shark had a vendetta. Couldn't let it go. That shark was born in the Mediterranean Sea.

That was its problem. That shark was Sicilian. Let me tell you, Michael, you're dead to me i don't know when i don't know how one of these oceans i'm gonna run into you i don't give a fuck if it's a straight or a sea but like what is like what is selling out like some people were like i know some people i'm not going to mention names but i remember one comedian was doing a commercial for pizza or pizza crust. And people are going, oh, fuck, I wish you didn't do that. But then it's like, let's just say, for example, Pizza Hut or somebody like that says, hey, we think you're a great comic.

And we're fucking promoting this new pepperoni pizza crust or whatever. And we're going to give you 200 fucking K. It's like the great thing is back in the now you used to have to pretend you had integrity. Cause I guess all these big time movie stars used to do advertisements overseas, which is funny to me because obviously people over there didn't give a fuck. It was only here for some reason that if it, it seemed,

if you did a commercial that you were, uh, that you were selling out or whatever, but like now though, dude, it's just like you do podcasts, you do ad reads. I remember I first started doing ad reads.

I was like, Oh fuck. I'm I, I'm in a commercial now. Am I being like a, no, you got fucking a family and kids. Like there's no such thing.

Selling out is doing something you don't believe in for the money. Like truly don't believe in it. Selling out, like selling out to me would be like, that's what happens. It's because, but then what happenselling out to me would be like, fuck waste. That's what happens. But then what happens is the money makes you think like, well, you know, could get myself a couple of nice things with that.

Yeah. Well, what's your figure? My price? Your price. Four? Like, you walk away, paul you accept this offer we will give you everything here you won't have to audit us we're actually we're actually gonna do something very unholywood we're actually gonna give you the money we promised you and then you walk away then i have to i have

to walk away now i wash my hands of you what's your number what do you need paul what can paul versi with paul's expensive tastes but you want to own a racehorse yeah cigar bar a pizza parlor you got a lot of other you want to do you have your own little strip mall the farm behind it a lot of white leather there's fur coats in there paul dude my horse is going A lot of white leather. There's fur coats in there, Paul. Dude, my horse is going to have a fucking white leather saddle. With gold, dude.

My fucking... My man cave is going to look like the sports book at the fucking MGM. Dude, I know how you spend fucking money. Okay. So what do you mean? To buy me out of Hollywood? You're going to give me this money, Paul,

and you got to know the government's going to take like 60% of this. You're telling me to buy me out for life. Buy me out for life. Like you're buying me out of show business. Is that what you're saying? I'm walking. You're out. You can still putz around town, do some comedy shows.

We'll let you do that. All right. You can host the weekend. I just started selling tickets. Let me stay in the game. I just started selling tickets. I would say my number would be, you know, see, after taxes, what my fucking net would be. Okay.

My net would be, to be completely comfortable, I would say net 25 million. 25? 25 million net. How old are you? 40? After the feds. After the feds.

After everything. After everything's done. You think Paul Berzy, if you live to be, dude, you got Greek blood, man. You're going to live to be like 90. Your lips to God's ears. Knock on wood. You're telling me you got another 50 years and you're only going to spend 500 grand a

fucking year? Paul Verzi spending 500 grand. I'm supposed to sit here and believe that there is a half a century of Paul Verzi spending 500 grand a year. Listen, you got to look at it like this. I got a great finance guy. My guy at UBS is the shit. Okay. I'm going to invest in some crypto shit, some Bitcoin. Okay. I'm going to have shit in

small accounts that build up penny stocks. I got people that I got good people like that. Okay. I'm not going to go crazy. My house, you know what my house needs to be? My house needs to be 1.5 to $2 million. That's it. Bought out. I need three cars. I need the sedan. Nice, comfortable when we go as a family to dinner. Okay. Then I need the truck. Okay. And then I want a fast car. Then I want one fast car. So we just need three cars. There's four of us. We just need three cars. My wife's probably going to drive the truck. She'll drive the SUV truck. I'll drive the sedan. And then we'll have a fun sports car when we want to go around, you know, whipping around the turns on a Sunday afternoon when it's nice and sunny out.

Right? Then your son turns 16. He wants a car. Okay. So he'll probably get one of the cars that we have a fine. We have four cars, three-car garage, $1.5 million home. I like this fantasy frugal Paul. No, because. Gun to my head, as1.5 million. I like this fantasy frugal Paul. No, because-

Gun to my head, as you love to say. You give Paul Verzi 25 million bucks, the rest is- He's doing standup within eight years. You're coming back. I will- I'm going to look at your track suit. It's going to look a little wrinkled. Your joints are going to be a little scuffed, freshly polished the best you can.

I'll be like, he blew it all. I'll tell you what, I will fly private a lot. I'll fly private a lot. That's why I'm going modest house. See, that's the thing. The reason I go modest home and modest cars, I mean, I'm still 1.5 with a nice pool. I go modest with assets. I go hard with liabilities.

That's how I do it. I'm going to have a small house, but I'm going to fly private. I'm going to fly private. All right, I'm going to correct that. Seven and a half years, I run into you with a funny bone. Who would have thought you were done with this shit? You know, I got the itch again. You wouldn't be making eye contact with me, and I would just look.

I could tell. You'd have the net. You'd have your little, your chain. You'd have your fucking. All right, we're going way over here, Paul. Let's wrap up here. Yeah, real quick. Latrell Sprewell, man.

He got that $63 million deal, which he wasn't happy with because he said, I got kids to feed. And then hearing that, like, you know, selling assets and shit like that. But, like, I think guys like that didn't have the proper advice. I think now you get a good finance guy. I think there's a lot of things that protect people like that. I would be protected. I would be protected.

My wife is, like, my wife is good. I thought of you after a while, that you had all of that fucking money and Paul couldn't go out and flash it. I told you, white fur coat face. I would do, here's what I would do. I would do a, I would do. Yeah, wait a minute. What's your number?

Hold on. What's your number? We can't just do me. Bill Burr, you're out of Hollywood. You're out of show business. You're walking. You are walking off into the sunset with your family, wherever you want. What is the final number?

walking off into the sunset with your family, wherever you want. What is the final number? 70 million was the first thing that popped in, but I still think that's too little. Oh, wow. So I went real low. Fuck. Cause you're good with money. No, no, that's the one thing. Bill is one of the most. No, I can't do standup anymore. The thing that I love, dude.

First of all, what I would be worried about was i would i would well i got kids so i wouldn't but if i didn't have any kids if i didn't have any kids and you and i couldn't perform anymore and you gave me 70 million dollars i would be dead before i was 60 oh dude you would i would have the biggest smile if that was open casket you would know that i died doing what I loved sitting alone on my back porch, getting fucked up. You're good with, see, the thing about you is, and this is the thing about Bill, Bill is such a generous person, generous with money, generous,

but you're smart with your money. You're smart with your money. Where like, like, I feel like I'm, I'm very generous too. I mean, I'll fuck give you, I'll give you whatever the fuck. I don't give a fuck. I'll just pay everything. I don't care. If I love you and I want to have a good time, the thing is I don't think about the, you know, I don't get money.

And I'm just being honest. I don't get, you give me $100 million. In my mind, I don't have $50. You know, I have like $80. You know, so I'm taking some taxes off, but I don't know if it's my sicilian that we're gonna cut some corners to get get it down oh you would be courtside at the knicks oh that's a definite okay and the knicks players would would know how much money you had by your third drink

uh and then you would start sending them gift bags of cigars. I would. I really would. They'd start calling you Pauly Macanudo. And, dude, this is within the first season of you with $25 million. Pauly Macanudo. Here we go. Forget it.

Holy shit. Forget it. And you would have a white fur coat. You'd have monogrammed shirts that said Pauly Mac forget it. Holy shit. Forget it. And you would have a white fur coat. You'd have monogrammed shirts that said Pauly Mack on it. The players would respect your fucking steez, whatever the kids say, and it would be over. Oh, I would hand every Nick a cigar at the end of the game. How you doing, fellas?

Just hand the Nick cigars. Oh, dude, that's great. Nine in a cigars oh dude that's great in a row fellas that's nine in a row yeah they'd be over paul you would you would go you got 25 million i would immediately buy a giant l shake couch for you to eventually crash on towards the end of the decade all right so the trilogy that I would do. Yeah. I would love once upon a time in the West to do three things like that in a row, following a character. That you're following who may or may not be the hero in it. Dude, you'd be great in a Western. You'd be either great as the main like Western or the fucking main villain of the main guy. Oh, fuck that, dude. I'm the villain all day.

Villain with the backstory, dude, is the best part you're ever going to get. All right, dude, let's let's wrap this up. All right, guys. Thank you guys so much for listening to the Anything Better podcast. This has been episode 14. Please like, subscribe, rate, and review the show. Every time you do that, the show moves up and we want everybody to know how great the show is. We want to thank you all for the great comments. Pretty much all the comments are good. You throw some nasty ones out there. It's part of the game. Andrew, we don't have any too bad ones, right? We're good? are good. You throw some nasty ones out there. It's part of the game. Andrew, we don't have any two bad ones, right? We're good. Good. Good. Yeah. So we're good. So we appreciate it. And

thank you guys so much for listening. We'll be back next week. Please check out the Verzi Effect podcast, my YouTube channel, Bill's Monday Morning Podcast, May 20th through the 23rd, Tampa, Florida. I'm coming to Sidesplitters doing seven shows. Get tickets on paulverzi.com and all other shows are on there like Austin, June 11th and 12th at the Vulcan Gas Company. And Wise Guys in Salt Lake City, June 24th. Bill, you got a tour coming up? Yeah, starts in July. I'm at the Vegas at the Cosmopolitan, July 2nd or 3rd, something like that. And then it starts getting really going in like the end of August, right through the end of the year.

I can't wait. I just can't wait. I can't wait to get fucking back out there. I really can't wait. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Can't wait. Oh, yeah.

All right. That's it, everybody. Thank you for watching. We'll see you. you