anything goes with emma chamberlain - advice session #13 (relationships)
Episode Date: August 26, 2021hey guys, today we’re going to be doing an advice session completely dedicated to relationships because relationships are just my favorite thing to talk about in my personal life and on the podcast.... i’m going to be giving you relationship advice to the best of my ability considering the fact that i’m 20 and probably don’t know what i’m talking about. per usual with these, i’m just doing my best, take it or leave it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
 Transcript
 Discussion  (0)
    
                                         Hey guys, today we are going to be doing an advice session completely dedicated to
                                         
                                         relationships because relationships are just simply my favorite thing to talk
                                         
                                         about. I love talking about romance. I love it. I find it extremely interesting. It's
                                         
                                         extremely complicated and it's one of my favorite things to talk about in my personal life and on the podcast.
                                         
                                         So today we're going to be doing an entire episode dedicated to talking about relationships.
                                         
                                         I'm going to be giving you my relationship advice to the best of my ability, considering that I am 20 and I probably don't know what I'm talking about. But per usual with these, I'm just doing my best.
                                         
                                         Take it or leave it.
                                         
                                         So I asked you guys on Twitter to ask me questions
                                         
    
                                         or share scenarios with me that you need advice on.
                                         
                                         The Twitter is that AG podcast
                                         
                                         if you ever want to participate in an episode.
                                         
                                         And let's just get into it.
                                         
                                         Somebody said, how do you work through a relationship once the honeymoon phase is over? This is
                                         
                                         something that I do not think is talked about enough and I've actually talked
                                         
                                         about it in an episode before but I think that it's so important that I want to
                                         
                                         talk about it again. Basically, the honeymoon phase of a relationship
                                         
    
                                         is like the first four months, I would say.
                                         
                                         When everything is just perfect,
                                         
                                         you and your significant other are on your best behavior.
                                         
                                         Everything feels like a dream.
                                         
                                         All of your problems disappear when you're around them.
                                         
                                         You don't argue, you don't disagree. Everything is just gravy. It
                                         
                                         just floats like magic. And then reality hits at like the four-month mark usually. And you're like,
                                         
                                         oh fuck, okay, I need to get back to my life. Okay, do you know what, I'm gonna use a metaphor.
                                         
    
                                         back to my life. Okay, do you know what?
                                         
                                         I'm gonna use a metaphor.
                                         
                                         It's almost like you're on a drug
                                         
                                         for the first four months of a relationship
                                         
                                         and you're just not fully conscious.
                                         
                                         You're like in dream world.
                                         
                                         You're high.
                                         
                                         You're high on the love that you have for this new person.
                                         
    
                                         And then one day you wake up and the drug is worn off and you still
                                         
                                         love the person, but you kind of start settling back into reality. And for a lot of people,
                                         
                                         that's so jarring that they end up breaking up with their significant other because they're
                                         
                                         like, oh, there must be something wrong.
                                         
                                         Like, this doesn't have the same effect that it used to have.
                                         
                                         This relationship doesn't have the same effect
                                         
                                         on my brain that it used to have.
                                         
                                         It must be defective.
                                         
    
                                         I'm going to break up with this person
                                         
                                         because it doesn't cast the same spell on me
                                         
                                         that it did in the beginning.
                                         
                                         Truth of the matter is, if you really think about it,
                                         
                                         at a certain point point being in a relationship
                                         
                                         just becomes a part of your normal day to day life
                                         
                                         and it's not really that exciting anymore.
                                         
                                         It might have exciting moments, but generally,
                                         
    
                                         it's just what it is, it is what it is.
                                         
                                         It's a relationship, you're dating someone
                                         
                                         and you might get excited every once in a while
                                         
                                         about something like if you guys are going on a date
                                         
                                         or I don't know, maybe they look extra hot one day. I don't know, but you might get a every once in a while about something, like if you guys are growing on a date or I don't know, maybe they look extra hot one day,
                                         
                                         I don't know, but like you might get a little excited
                                         
                                         sometimes, but generally, it just becomes a part
                                         
                                         of your day to day life.
                                         
    
                                         And it stops working as a distraction.
                                         
                                         I know in almost all my relationship experiences
                                         
                                         for the first few months, I'm like, oh my God,
                                         
                                         I'm like not even depressed.
                                         
                                         I've actually never been depressed now
                                         
                                         that I think about it.
                                         
                                         I am so happy.
                                         
                                         And then listen, at a certain point,
                                         
    
                                         the depression starts seeping back in,
                                         
                                         because guess what, I can't use this person
                                         
                                         as a crutch anymore.
                                         
                                         Using your significant other as a distraction
                                         
                                         from your problems in life works for the first few months when you're in the
                                         
                                         honeymoon phase and then it stops working. And it's hard because a few
                                         
                                         difficult things happen when the honeymoon phase ends. number one, as I've said six times, you can't use your
                                         
                                         relationship as a distraction from your life anymore.
                                         
    
                                         You kind of have to get back to your life.
                                         
                                         You have to get back to work, right?
                                         
                                         That's number one.
                                         
                                         Number two, your true colors start showing and their true colors start showing.
                                         
                                         I'm sorry, but if you want to put up some sort of persona in a relationship,
                                         
                                         it will only last maximum four months. I swear. And then inevitably your true colors will come out,
                                         
                                         and their true colors will come out, and it could be great, and it could make the relationship
                                         
                                         even stronger, and it could be the downfall. It just depends on how fake you are being.
                                         
    
                                         Not saying that being fake in the beginning of relationship is bad, I think it's normal.
                                         
                                         I think to a certain extent, you're on your best behavior.
                                         
                                         You're trying to court someone, right?
                                         
                                         You're trying to get them to commit to you.
                                         
                                         And so subconsciously, you might be morphing yourself into a slightly better version of
                                         
                                         yourself in order to appeal to them. That's natural, but it should fade away, and it will fade away.
                                         
                                         And what's revealed can be they're really good or really bad.
                                         
                                         But regardless, that's definitely something that happens once the honeymoon phase ends. And the last thing that happens is that the excitement,
                                         
    
                                         it just kind of dies down a little bit.
                                         
                                         I'm not saying it dies completely,
                                         
                                         it just dies down a little bit.
                                         
                                         You know, you're not as infatuated by the person
                                         
                                         and they become more of an extension
                                         
                                         of who you are in a weird way.
                                         
                                         I can't explain it, but it's like,
                                         
                                         instead of you looking at your significant other
                                         
    
                                         as this sort of ethereal being,
                                         
                                         as you might within the first few months,
                                         
                                         you start to look at them as more of an extension of yourself
                                         
                                         and as more of a soul in a way.
                                         
                                         And that might sound so corny,
                                         
                                         but you really do start to see someone
                                         
                                         for who they truly are deep inside when you
                                         
                                         date somebody past the honeymoon stage.
                                         
    
                                         And instead of being kind of like not an object, I don't know how to explain it, because
                                         
                                         that's so fucked up, not an object.
                                         
                                         But when you first start dating somebody, you are looking at them for half of who they are, but also half of what your imagination
                                         
                                         thinks that they are, right?
                                         
                                         Which kind of turns them into a character and kind of makes them feel more ethereal almost
                                         
                                         to you.
                                         
                                         But once you get past the honeymoon stage and you truly know this person through and through,
                                         
                                         they become more of a real human being and they're less of an ethereal character in your brain.
                                         
    
                                         They're exactly who they are in your brain.
                                         
                                         Does that make sense?
                                         
                                         And that can kind of make you worship the person
                                         
                                         a little less, which personally, I think is a great thing,
                                         
                                         because a lot of people are like,
                                         
                                         oh, the honeymoon phase is like
                                         
                                         the best part of the relationship.
                                         
                                         Sure, but it's also the most fake.
                                         
    
                                         Everybody's just trying to be as perfect as they can in the honeymoon phase.
                                         
                                         The real relationship starts when the honeymoon phase is over, when things aren't easy and
                                         
                                         blissful, when things start to get a little bit challenging,
                                         
                                         and you might be forced to grow in some areas,
                                         
                                         and they might be forced to grow in some areas,
                                         
                                         and you start to show who you truly are,
                                         
                                         and they start to show who they truly are,
                                         
                                         and you start to learn how your guys' lives meld together
                                         
    
                                         or don't meld together, and it's time to break up.
                                         
                                         Like, so many realizations happen once the honeymoon phase ends.
                                         
                                         And I think the key to sticking together
                                         
                                         after the honeymoon phase is to change your perspective.
                                         
                                         And instead of looking at the end of the honeymoon phase
                                         
                                         as being disappointing and kind of boring,
                                         
                                         look at it as an accomplishment.
                                         
                                         You're starting to build an actual genuine, true relationship with somebody else that's
                                         
    
                                         honest and raw and like not fabricated like it may be during the honeymoon phase.
                                         
                                         That's exciting.
                                         
                                         And there might be some disagreements, there might be some arguments, there might be some
                                         
                                         rough moments because you feel more free to be yourself once the honeymoon phase is over.
                                         
                                         But those moments not only bring you closer together long term, but also help you grow as long as the disagreements or the arguments or the rough moments are not obviously toxic.
                                         
                                         You know what I'm saying? This is obviously excluding any kind of toxic situation because that's obviously...
                                         
                                         You guys know my answer by now probably. That's obviously like run for the fucking hills. Get out and don't even look back.
                                         
                                         obviously like run for the fucking hills. Get out and don't even look back.
                                         
    
                                         There's billions of fish in the sea.
                                         
                                         Please go find someone else end of story,
                                         
                                         but you go what I'm saying.
                                         
                                         Somebody said, do you think that saying I love you
                                         
                                         is something that needs a lot of thought?
                                         
                                         This is such a great question.
                                         
                                         And I really do think that it depends because I think in relationships,
                                         
                                         it's all about feel and everything is very different for each individual, right?
                                         
    
                                         For some people saying I love you as a huge deal. And it does require a lot of thought.
                                         
                                         And it requires that individual to actually make the decision in their head,
                                         
                                         am I in love with this person or not?
                                         
                                         Because I'm not going to say this unless I am.
                                         
                                         And then for other people,
                                         
                                         they might throw the phrase I love you around a lot more lightly.
                                         
                                         You know, they might throw it around sooner in the relationship
                                         
                                         because they might feel like, yeah, I do love this person.
                                         
    
                                         And I love them enough to say it.
                                         
                                         And so I'm gonna say it.
                                         
                                         And they might not have thought about it as much,
                                         
                                         but if they felt it, then they might have said it.
                                         
                                         And it might not be as deep for some as it is for others.
                                         
                                         And that's why it's so confusing.
                                         
                                         I would say when it comes to telling somebody
                                         
                                         that you love them, I don't think it needs
                                         
    
                                         to require that much thought actually,
                                         
                                         because love is something that is so broad.
                                         
                                         You can love an animal, you could love a food,
                                         
                                         you could love a piece of clothing,
                                         
                                         you could love your family, you could love a friend,
                                         
                                         you could love a teacher, you could love a subject in school, you could love a hobby. And of course, you can also love a significant other and
                                         
                                         you probably should or else you should maybe not be in the relationship. But love is so
                                         
                                         broad, right? And there's so many different levels of love that I think that you just have to go with your gut instinct
                                         
    
                                         and don't take it too seriously like if you love somebody and you know that for sure
                                         
                                         and you want them to know it, say it.
                                         
                                         And even if you kind of are doubting yourself because you're like, I know I love them but
                                         
                                         I don't know if I love them enough to say it. Trust me.
                                         
                                         If you love someone and you feel it in your heart, just say it.
                                         
                                         And I know that I'm kind of talking more broadly here and this should be specifically about
                                         
                                         relationships, but I think that this applies in all areas of life, including relationships.
                                         
                                         I think that the standard is pretty much the same. If you love anyone in general, friend, family,
                                         
    
                                         animal, significant other, whatever it may be, if you love them and you want to tell them,
                                         
                                         just say it. You don't need to overthink it. Life is way too fucking short to be over thinking
                                         
                                         whether or not you should tell someone you love them. Trust me, you should. And you won't ever regret it.
                                         
                                         This episode is brought to you by State Farm.
                                         
                                         There's no instruction manual
                                         
                                         when it comes to being an adult.
                                         
                                         Sometimes I lay away at night
                                         
                                         rehashing something I said earlier that day,
                                         
    
                                         or I lay in bed at night thinking about
                                         
                                         what the future holds.
                                         
                                         I know I'm not the only one going through a lot of what ifs.
                                         
                                         Like, what if I get into a fender bender?
                                         
                                         Or what if my home gets broken into?
                                         
                                         But state farm can help you with some of those big what ifs.
                                         
                                         They're available to answer your questions day or night.
                                         
                                         You can reach them 24-7, file a claim on the state farm mobile app
                                         
    
                                         or simply call your agent to ask what's on your mind.
                                         
                                         Like you good neighbor, State Farm is there.
                                         
                                         Call or go to stateform.com for a quote today.
                                         
                                         This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.
                                         
                                         Squarespace is more than a website builder.
                                         
                                         It's in all in one place to make an online space that's entirely your own.
                                         
                                         Their all-in-one platform allows you to customize everything from the fonts and color scheme
                                         
                                         to your domain name.
                                         
    
                                         All you have to do is choose from one of their beautifully designed templates as a starting
                                         
                                         off point.
                                         
                                         Then, at whatever you need to show off your ideas to get your side hustle on, you've got
                                         
                                         all the tools you need to sell products, schedule appointments, and send email campaigns to
                                         
                                         your mailing list.
                                         
                                         Plus, everything is optimized
                                         
                                         for mobile, so it looks just as good on a phone as it does on a desktop.
                                         
                                         Check out Squarespace.com for more features and inspiration, and when you're ready to build
                                         
    
                                         your site, use the offer code Emma for 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain.
                                         
                                         Somebody said, hi Emma, I'm 18, almost 19, and I've never had a romantic relationship last over
                                         
                                         two months.
                                         
                                         It makes me feel like I'm the problem or like I'm never going to have a solid long-lasting
                                         
                                         relationship.
                                         
                                         Any advice?
                                         
                                         Okay.
                                         
                                         I get this because here's the thing.
                                         
    
                                         Okay.
                                         
                                         I'm only 20, so I don't have a lot of room to talk here, right?
                                         
                                         But I felt this exact same way, you know?
                                         
                                         My first handful of relationships were all so fucking short, okay?
                                         
                                         None of them over six months, I would say.
                                         
                                         And it was brutal because I would like get into another relationship and be like yes. And then it
                                         
                                         would be like over before I could even blink, right? And all for good reason, the relationships
                                         
                                         were awful. But like, you know, it does make you wonder if there's something wrong with
                                         
    
                                         you. I definitely wondered that. Here's what I tried to remind myself when I was in that
                                         
                                         place. And I was just
                                         
                                         feeling like an absolute relationship failure because I could not have a relationship that
                                         
                                         lasted more than what, four months.
                                         
                                         I just reminded myself that the more relationships I have that fail, right?
                                         
                                         The more I get to learn about what I need in a relationship and what type of person
                                         
                                         I want in a relationship so that as I continue searching for somebody that I can be with for a long
                                         
                                         ass time, I have a better gauge as to what I want. So I'm not just picking some random guy off the
                                         
    
                                         street being like, I think this guy is good. It's like, no, I actually have a criteria
                                         
                                         based on my past failed relationships,
                                         
                                         and now I know what I'm looking for.
                                         
                                         It's impossible to know what you want
                                         
                                         before you've had a few failed experiences.
                                         
                                         Now listen, not everybody's the same in that way.
                                         
                                         Some people might find their soulmate literally one day randomly and stay with that person
                                         
                                         forever and it's exactly what they imagine their whole life and their life is perfect blah
                                         
    
                                         blah blah, okay, whatever.
                                         
                                         But for most of us, we're going to have to do some trial and error.
                                         
                                         And so I think that with relationships failure is simply just a way to learn what we need
                                         
                                         to be looking for.
                                         
                                         And I also think that that applies to life in general
                                         
                                         because any kind of failure or any kind of failed situation,
                                         
                                         is always a learning experience, always.
                                         
                                         And it is easy to look at failure
                                         
    
                                         as kind of like an end all be all like,
                                         
                                         oh fuck, I failed, now I'm done.
                                         
                                         It's never gonna work out for me.
                                         
                                         No, failure is just a sign that you need to change your perspective,
                                         
                                         go outside of the box, try something new,
                                         
                                         and keep trying.
                                         
                                         Like, look at a fucking scientist, right?
                                         
                                         Look at scientists and like physicists and stuff like that.
                                         
    
                                         How many times do they have to fail
                                         
                                         when they're doing a science experiment
                                         
                                         before they find really useful information?
                                         
                                         And they find something that's like life changing.
                                         
                                         It takes years trial and error
                                         
                                         over and over and over again until you succeed. That's just how life works.
                                         
                                         Life is just a lot of trial and error until something sticks. And it's the same thing with relationships.
                                         
                                         So don't be hard on yourself because you will get there. You will find someone and you're also 18.
                                         
    
                                         Also, 18. Like, when I was 18, I had been in one relationship
                                         
                                         that had maybe lasted four months, okay?
                                         
                                         And it was also awful.
                                         
                                         So like, keep that in mind.
                                         
                                         You know what I'm saying?
                                         
                                         And I can say that I've come a long way since then.
                                         
                                         You know, like, there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
                                         
                                         Things get better.
                                         
    
                                         Somebody said, how can you tell if you have a crush on somebody or if you're just getting male validation? Wow, this is so crazy because I totally get this and I'm kind of embarrassed
                                         
                                         that I do, but also it's so incredibly human and I think it's so
                                         
                                         important to talk about. So let's kind of stretch out this question a little bit
                                         
                                         and broaden it a little bit to something that everybody can relate to. Like it's
                                         
                                         crazy how in certain periods of your, I would say generally during moments of weakness or
                                         
                                         vulnerability, we can crave attention for whatever reason.
                                         
                                         We can crave validation for whatever reason.
                                         
                                         And I think that that can get mistaken with having feelings
                                         
    
                                         for someone, because if you're feeling,
                                         
                                         let's say, okay, I'll give an example.
                                         
                                         Let's say you just got out of a breakup
                                         
                                         and you are feeling like shit.
                                         
                                         You're like, I wasn't enough for my last significant other,
                                         
                                         even though that's not true,
                                         
                                         but you can feel like that at times.
                                         
                                         I'm lonely, I'm sad, I just wanna tension.
                                         
    
                                         I'll take anything I can get, right?
                                         
                                         And then, you know, you get attention from somebody.
                                         
                                         And even though you might not really like them,
                                         
                                         you might convince yourself that you do just to fill that void.
                                         
                                         And can I tell you, that is so normal.
                                         
                                         And there's nothing wrong with making that mistake.
                                         
                                         Like, it's so normal.
                                         
                                         But I think that the question that you need to ask yourself
                                         
    
                                         when you find yourself caught up in a situation
                                         
                                         with someone where you're having to ask yourself,
                                         
                                         do I really like this person?
                                         
                                         Or are they just giving me attention?
                                         
                                         And I need that?
                                         
                                         To be honest, I would argue that if you're asking yourself that question, the answer is probably
                                         
                                         that you just want the attention and validation because I've done this.
                                         
                                         I have done this. I have done this.
                                         
    
                                         Well, basically what happened to me was that I, you know, got out of a relationship
                                         
                                         and I was so broken and my ego was just shot.
                                         
                                         Like I was just like so sad and I felt so shitty
                                         
                                         about myself and
                                         
                                         Embarrassed and myself a steam was shit and I got a little bit of attention
                                         
                                         From a guy and I just went I went and head first I was like fuck it. I don't care like
                                         
                                         This kind of feels wrong and I don't feel like I actually really really truly genuinely I'm in love with this person, but I'm just gonna do it anyway because
                                         
                                         I need this attention and I need this for myself a steam and as much as I did actually genuinely care about the person
                                         
    
                                         It's not like I was like fully being an asshole and just being like, can I have attention and then like shutting them off? Like it wasn't like that. I did actually like
                                         
                                         the person, okay? But I think that I, I like them maybe 50%, but then the other 50% was the
                                         
                                         attention that I was getting. I think that that was the over art. That was the bigger factor.
                                         
                                         And I know that now in retrospect, but in the moment I didn't know, I didn't realize that I was
                                         
                                         kind of feeling avoid and whatever. And then when the relationship ended and I wasn't really too upset,
                                         
                                         that's when I realized like, oh shit, like,
                                         
                                         you know, this wasn't really coming from the heart.
                                         
                                         I was feeling avoid
                                         
    
                                         and I know that that might sound so fucked up
                                         
                                         and I don't think that like, that's very nice, right?
                                         
                                         But it also wasn't my fault,
                                         
                                         because I didn't realize what I was doing.
                                         
                                         But throughout that relationship,
                                         
                                         I did ask myself that question many times.
                                         
                                         Like, am I doing this because I like them
                                         
                                         or am I doing this because I'm feeling avoid?
                                         
    
                                         The truth was I was completely feeling avoid.
                                         
                                         And I was just looking for the validation.
                                         
                                         And, you know, in other relationships that I've been in where I haven't been looking for
                                         
                                         validation within them and I just was looking for a genuine, like, best friend companion,
                                         
                                         in a sense. I never found myself asking the question, am I just dating them because I like the attention ever?
                                         
                                         In relationships that have not been rooted in that,
                                         
                                         it's not even crossed my mind.
                                         
                                         So I would say that if you're having to ask the question,
                                         
    
                                         the answer is probably, you just like the validation.
                                         
                                         Somebody said, I just got a girlfriend for the first time.
                                         
                                         I'm also a girl.
                                         
                                         And as incredible as she is, I feel like I won't be able to make her happy because I don't
                                         
                                         feel ready to come out and be open about our relationships and some not ready.
                                         
                                         What should I do?
                                         
                                         Well, I think for one, it's so important that you are in touch with yourself and what you're
                                         
                                         comfortable with as of right now and what you're willing to yourself and what you're comfortable with as of right now,
                                         
    
                                         and what you're willing to do and what you're not willing to do, I think that that's incredibly
                                         
                                         self-aware and mature and great.
                                         
                                         And so that's an amazing first step.
                                         
                                         And I think that you need to stick to that.
                                         
                                         If you feel like you're not ready, that is okay. And like, don't be angry
                                         
                                         at yourself that you're not there yet. But when it comes to handling the situation with
                                         
                                         your girlfriend, it's simply just a conversation that needs to be had. You can tell her, listen,
                                         
                                         I am so lucky to be dating you. I'm so proud to be dating you,
                                         
    
                                         but at the same time,
                                         
                                         right now I just don't think that
                                         
                                         I'm comfortable sharing our relationship with the world.
                                         
                                         Here's why I don't love you any less
                                         
                                         and I don't you to think I'm embarrassed.
                                         
                                         This is just simply what I'm comfortable with right now and you know, how do you feel
                                         
                                         about this?
                                         
                                         Like are you okay with us keeping this a little bit more private for now or you know,
                                         
    
                                         is that not something you're okay with and just have an open conversation?
                                         
                                         I think that 90% of problems in relationships can be fixed simply by a conversation.
                                         
                                         And just getting on the same page, it's so much more useful than I think we realize. I
                                         
                                         think a lot of us think that we need to solve relationship-related problems on our own.
                                         
                                         But the truth of the matter is, is that a relationship has two people in it,
                                         
                                         and so both people need to work through problems together.
                                         
                                         It's as simple as that.
                                         
                                         This episode is brought to you by Instagram.
                                         
    
                                         It definitely feels harder than ever
                                         
                                         to feel connected to people,
                                         
                                         though at the same time,
                                         
                                         it's easier than ever to get in touch with people.
                                         
                                         It seems the hard part is making truly meaningful connections. In a time when a lot of empty connections
                                         
                                         are filling our day-to-day lives. On Instagram, small everyday interactions can lead to big friendships
                                         
                                         from bonding over a shared love of funny posts to posting to your small
                                         
                                         community of close friends, everything you do can spark a connection or deepen a relationship.
                                         
    
                                         I have made so many friends through Instagram and I've also started serious relationships
                                         
                                         through Instagram.
                                         
                                         I mean, it sounds wild, but it actually can change your life
                                         
                                         in a way.
                                         
                                         It has absolutely changed mind.
                                         
                                         Connection isn't something that just happens.
                                         
                                         It's something you make.
                                         
                                         Start today by downloading Instagram,
                                         
    
                                         and I'll see you there.
                                         
                                         Somebody said, have you ever been in a relationship
                                         
                                         where you liked, loved them so much,
                                         
                                         but you just couldn't see yourself marrying that person. Yeah, a thousand percent. I think that a lot of
                                         
                                         being in a relationship is about, well, okay, let me rephrase. I think that subconsciously when we're dating people, right?
                                         
                                         We're always thinking about the future, you know? We're always thinking
                                         
                                         about what it could turn into long-term. And I know for me, I always date with
                                         
                                         ideally the intention of being with someone for a really long time. And obviously
                                         
    
                                         that doesn't always work out. And obviously, you know, I might even be fooling
                                         
                                         myself at times. And convincing myself that I, I might even be fooling myself at times and convincing myself
                                         
                                         that I would want to be with somebody for a long time when deep down I'm like, I actually
                                         
                                         don't think that that's true. I just want to be in a relationship right now, even though
                                         
                                         I know that this isn't going to last, but I just want to be in a relationship. I've done both, you know. But I would say that, you know, at the end of the day,
                                         
                                         you kind of have to live in the moment.
                                         
                                         And I know it's so easy to try to plan ahead.
                                         
                                         And I think we all do it, whether we want to admit it or not.
                                         
    
                                         But at the end of the day, if the relationship
                                         
                                         is happy and fun in this exact moment, just enjoy it for what it is right now and take
                                         
                                         it day by day. You know what I'm saying? Because we just have no idea what tomorrow is going
                                         
                                         to look like. And so getting anxious or nervous because we can't imagine ourselves
                                         
                                         marrying the person that we're with today
                                         
                                         is just a waste of energy.
                                         
                                         And on the other hand, you might imagine yourself
                                         
                                         marrying somebody who ends up being terrible for you.
                                         
    
                                         I've done that where you're like,
                                         
                                         this is, I literally know it.
                                         
                                         I'm gonna marry the, and then you don't.
                                         
                                         Okay, trust me.
                                         
                                         That's why getting too obsessed
                                         
                                         about planning the future is so bad
                                         
                                         because chances are, it's not gonna end up
                                         
                                         the way that you thought it was.
                                         
    
                                         And that can be an incredible thing
                                         
                                         because let me tell you, if I would have married
                                         
                                         like the guys that I dated when I was younger,
                                         
                                         I would not be a very happy woman right now, okay?
                                         
                                         And they would probably be fucking unhappy too.
                                         
                                         It would not have been good.
                                         
                                         You know what I'm saying?
                                         
                                         It's better that things have ended up the way that they did.
                                         
    
                                         Like it's, you know, like, as heartbreaking as things
                                         
                                         might have been, like at the end of the day,
                                         
                                         everything happens for a reason
                                         
                                         and you end up where you end up for a reason. and so you just kind of have to sit back a little bit and trust the universe and
                                         
                                         don't
                                         
                                         Put too much pressure on whether or not you can imagine someone in your life forever or don't stress yourself out because you can't imagine your life without them and
                                         
                                         that scares you just
                                         
                                         try to be as present as possible because your
                                         
    
                                         vision of the future is just probably not even close to what it's really going to be.
                                         
                                         And chances are it might even be better.
                                         
                                         Somebody said, do you think that astrological signs matter in a relationship. I personally do not. I think that, you know, I don't know too much about
                                         
                                         astrological signs, but in general,
                                         
                                         I think that, you know, your compatibility with somebody else
                                         
                                         has so many more factors than what your astrological sign is.
                                         
                                         I just think that there are so many things that make two people compatible that like, I would say that, you know, your horoscope
                                         
                                         is pretty down low on the list of the criteria for dating, you know what I'm saying? Because at the end of the day,
                                         
    
                                         everybody's so different.
                                         
                                         And as much as people might look at the personality traits
                                         
                                         of different astrological signs
                                         
                                         and think that they're accurate,
                                         
                                         and sometimes they are,
                                         
                                         I think that generally there are just too many larger factors
                                         
                                         that go into making two people compatible.
                                         
                                         And so I would say, I don't think that they matter.
                                         
    
                                         But I also think that if you're somebody who's really interested in astrology, then it
                                         
                                         might make more sense for you to pay closer attention to that.
                                         
                                         But for somebody who, you know, maybe doesn't know as much about it or maybe doesn't even
                                         
                                         believe in it, I don't think that it's really that deep. I think it's just,
                                         
                                         it's very much personal preference. And I do think that there are just so many different factors
                                         
                                         that determine whether or not two people are compatible. I think that that should be the least
                                         
                                         of your worries. Somebody said, I feel like I'm never going to find the person that's right and
                                         
                                         meant for me, but I don't want going to find the person that's right and meant
                                         
    
                                         for me, but I don't want to be with the ones that don't mean my standards.
                                         
                                         What am I to do?
                                         
                                         I think that the best thing that you can do is just keep an open mind and be patient because
                                         
                                         it is a blessing to have standards and to stick by them.
                                         
                                         And it's going to save you a lot of pain down the line.
                                         
                                         I can say that for sure.
                                         
                                         Being somebody who hasn't always necessarily
                                         
                                         abided by my own standards,
                                         
    
                                         I can confidently say that as much as I don't have any regrets,
                                         
                                         I definitely could have gone without some of those experiences
                                         
                                         in my past where I didn't abide by my own standards.
                                         
                                         And I think that it requires a lot more patience
                                         
                                         to abide by your standards,
                                         
                                         but I think that it's worth the wait.
                                         
                                         And there are so many fucking people on this planet
                                         
                                         I can guarantee the right
                                         
    
                                         opportunity will present itself when it's ready to and you just have to trust.
                                         
                                         Somebody said my boyfriend is going through a lot recently and I'm trying to be
                                         
                                         supportive but it's getting to be too much. He's been so bad at communication our
                                         
                                         whole relationship which is over a year and I've talked to him about it and he won't change.
                                         
                                         I love him, but I don't know what to do.
                                         
                                         This is so tough because I think a lot of times
                                         
                                         people don't want to bring their problems
                                         
                                         into the relationship, right?
                                         
    
                                         If they're struggling with something personally,
                                         
                                         they don't want to bring it up, they don't want to share it
                                         
                                         because they don't want to burden their significant other.
                                         
                                         But the truth of the matter is is that when you're in a relationship and you as an individual
                                         
                                         are holding inside all of this pain and stress and frustration about things not relating
                                         
                                         to the relationship and you don't share that information
                                         
                                         with your significant other.
                                         
                                         It inevitably starts seeping through, right?
                                         
    
                                         And your significant other will start to feel
                                         
                                         this shift in you like, oh, there's something off
                                         
                                         like what's going on.
                                         
                                         And without context or explanation or communication,
                                         
                                         resentment will grow within the person who is doing
                                         
                                         fine because they're like, are you mad at me? Are you frustrated with me? Did I do something?
                                         
                                         Why are you taking this out on me? I have no context. I have no way to understand and empathize
                                         
                                         with you because I don't know what's going on.
                                         
    
                                         And then shit hits the fan.
                                         
                                         Unfortunately when you're in a relationship, well, it's not unfortunate, but in a relationship,
                                         
                                         you kind of owe it to your significant other in a way to keep them in the loop.
                                         
                                         And that can be really hard when you have a fear of burdening others.
                                         
                                         I know I have this fear. I hate the idea of
                                         
                                         burdening someone with my problems. I don't want to do that. So I'd rather just put on a smile
                                         
                                         and just keep going. You know, except for when it comes to talking to my parents, I will burden
                                         
                                         them all day and all night with my problems, but everybody else, not as much.
                                         
    
                                         And I'll try to cover up when I'm struggling.
                                         
                                         And when someone loves you and knows you really well, they'll figure out that something's
                                         
                                         off pretty quickly.
                                         
                                         And the best way to keep a relationship healthy while one member is struggling and the other is not,
                                         
                                         is to have an open communication about what the struggling member,
                                         
                                         I don't know, I guess that works.
                                         
                                         To have an open communication about what the struggling member of the relationship
                                         
                                         is going through, because it gives context and understanding
                                         
    
                                         so that the one struggling can get proper support from their significant other that is maybe
                                         
                                         in a better place.
                                         
                                         You know what I'm saying?
                                         
                                         Now you who asked the question is the one who is not struggling and your boyfriend is struggling.
                                         
                                         Have a conversation with him that goes a little something like this.
                                         
                                         I know that you're going through a hard time and I really want to be there for you, but
                                         
                                         I need to understand what you're going through in order to help and in order to have a better understanding
                                         
                                         so that I'm not taking your behavior personally.
                                         
    
                                         If you lash out or are mean or say something rude or say something that's out of character
                                         
                                         or whatever it may be, like if you explain to me what's going on And you keep me in the loop. I'll have a better understanding
                                         
                                         as to why you're behaving the way that you are.
                                         
                                         And I'll also be able to support you
                                         
                                         much better if I have a good understanding.
                                         
                                         I feel so disconnected from you
                                         
                                         because I don't know what you're dealing with
                                         
                                         but I'm feeling the essence of it,
                                         
    
                                         and it's uncomfortable for me, and it's uncomfortable for me to be around.
                                         
                                         So, as much as you feel comfortable sharing with me, I would, I just, I need it in order
                                         
                                         to be there for you, because it's impossible to be there for you, and I don't understand
                                         
                                         what's going on and in a relationship
                                         
                                         That's kind of crucial
                                         
                                         feel free to write that down on note cards and
                                         
                                         read it to your boyfriend
                                         
                                         Somebody said
                                         
    
                                         For the past ten months now. I haven't felt like I've had a romantic interest
                                         
                                         Even if someone is interested in me and I really try, I can't think of myself with anyone
                                         
                                         ever again.
                                         
                                         Is it normal?
                                         
                                         How can I get out of this situation?
                                         
                                         That's just your brain telling you, hey, I'm not ready for a relationship right now, slow
                                         
                                         down.
                                         
                                         Slow the fuck down.
                                         
    
                                         If you don't have any romantic interest, that's a okay.
                                         
                                         That just means that it's not the right time.
                                         
                                         Don't fight that feeling.
                                         
                                         If your gut in your intuition is telling you that right now is not the time for a relationship
                                         
                                         and you can't imagine yourself with anybody right now, obey your own wishes and just do
                                         
                                         your thing.
                                         
                                         I can guarantee that that feeling will come back naturally.
                                         
                                         You don't need to force it.
                                         
    
                                         Somebody said, hi, Emma.
                                         
                                         So I'm scared of marriage.
                                         
                                         Like when you're dating with your significant other,
                                         
                                         you're young and in love.
                                         
                                         But once the relationship is permanent with each other,
                                         
                                         I'm scared that things get awkward
                                         
                                         and we won't have things to talk about, et cetera.
                                         
                                         Now, I'm not married, but I can imagine that when you decide to marry someone, this person
                                         
    
                                         is ideally your best friend, but also your significant other.
                                         
                                         And think about hanging out with your best friend.
                                         
                                         Do you ever have moments where you don't have anything to talk about?
                                         
                                         Sure, but it's not weird because you're so close and comfortable with one another
                                         
                                         that moments of silence are natural and not weird.
                                         
                                         And there aren't really any more awkward moments
                                         
                                         because you just grow past that at a certain point.
                                         
                                         I think that ideally in a marriage, that's what the relationship looks like.
                                         
    
                                         You know, your significant other is your best friend, but also you are close with them
                                         
                                         to a point where all of the butterflies in nervousness kind of go away and you become family almost.
                                         
                                         I think that that's kind of the goal.
                                         
                                         And I mean, it might not happen every single marriage, right?
                                         
                                         But ideally, that's kind of what happens.
                                         
                                         I think that if you shoot for that in your marriage, in the future, then you won't have
                                         
                                         anything to worry about.
                                         
                                         Somebody said, do you think that jobs in relationships
                                         
    
                                         are important?
                                         
                                         So I guess this means like,
                                         
                                         your job and your significant others job.
                                         
                                         I think that it depends,
                                         
                                         but I think that when it comes to, you know,
                                         
                                         you and your significant others financial situation,
                                         
                                         it's all about understanding, you know what I'm saying?
                                         
                                         And about acceptance.
                                         
    
                                         When you're dating somebody, you should love and accept them
                                         
                                         for exactly who they are.
                                         
                                         And if you can't do that, then you should date someone else,
                                         
                                         simple as that. And so if somebody makes less money than you, or they make more money than you,
                                         
                                         that should not change your opinion on them. You know what I'm saying? I think that someone's
                                         
                                         specific job doesn't matter as much as their work ethic. You know,, somebody's job is not a direct reflection
                                         
                                         of what kind of person they are.
                                         
                                         There are so many factors that go into getting a job
                                         
    
                                         and keeping a job, and sometimes there are rough moments
                                         
                                         when people don't have a job, and sometimes there are moments
                                         
                                         when people have an amazing job, but it only lasts for a few
                                         
                                         months.
                                         
                                         It's such a ever changing part of a human being's life that I would say judging
                                         
                                         somebody strictly based off of their job is not good.
                                         
                                         I think that you should, you know, more look at someone's work ethic and their goals long
                                         
                                         term instead.
                                         
    
                                         And I think when it comes to you and your significant other having different financial
                                         
                                         situations, you know, there's so many ways to work around that.
                                         
                                         I think that you just have to be patient and you have to want to figure out how to create
                                         
                                         balance.
                                         
                                         And it takes a little bit of effort and work.
                                         
                                         But I think that if you love somebody enough, that will almost be effortless.
                                         
                                         Like it'll almost feel effortless, you know.
                                         
                                         Anyway, you guys, thank you so much for listening.
                                         
    
                                         I really love hanging out with you guys today and talking about relationships.
                                         
                                         That was very fun.
                                         
                                         I appreciate you so much for listening.
                                         
                                         And I hope that you enjoyed it.
                                         
                                         And you can leave a review and I hope that you enjoyed it and you can leave
                                         
                                         a review on Apple Podcasts if you want.
                                         
                                         Follow the Podcast Twitter at AG Podcasts if you want and you can participate in episodes
                                         
                                         in the future and I just hope that you guys have an amazing rest of your day.
                                         
    
                                         I'll see you around.
                                         
                                         Bye.
                                         
                                         Bye!
                                         
