anything goes with emma chamberlain - am i oversharing? [video]

Episode Date: November 16, 2023

[video available on spotify]  i've always been somebody who felt comfortable being incredibly vulnerable in real life and online. what does that say about me? after reading through the reasons why humans overshare, it seems like the line between oversharing and being vulnerable is very blurred. so today i wanted to dig into what the difference is between oversharing and being healthily vulnerable with others. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

A few Fridays ago my friends and I go out to dinner Pretty routine activity. I love going out to dinner on Fridays. It's just The perfect start to the weekend like I wake up in the morning on a Friday TGIF thank God. It's Friday. I just listen. I love Fridays. I love the weekend and I've been really Making my weekends count for the last few months. So it's been particularly exciting when the weekend comes around.

So listen, it was Friday, my friends and I go out to dinner and this restaurant has phenomenal wine and I'm sort of getting into wine. I don't know shit about it at all, but I'm getting into drinking it. For a long time, I was just drinking like tequila soda, vodka soda, but not anymore. I'm kind of a wine girl now, I'm getting into wine.

Anyhow, on this particular night at this particular restaurant, the waiter just kept giving us more wine. Like, I'd pound a glass, I'd put it down on the table, I'd look over and it's refilled. And I was like, wow, what an active generosity, you know, I don't even have to ask for another glass of wine. This dude is on it, he's on it, he's refilling me, like there's no tomorrow.

And at first, I was like, this is great. Three glasses in, I was like, this actually might be a problem, right? This actually might become a problem very soon. I could have told him, all right, that's enough. But something inside me didn't want to say that. I wanted him to keep going. There was a devil in an angel on my shoulder

and the devil won. The devil told me not to speak up. Next thing I know, I'm so drunk. I'm not drunk to a point where I'm like throwing up on the street. We've all been there. But I'm pretty drunk. I'm loose.

I'm really loose. And I sort of tried to calculate how much wine I had, probably three quarters of a bottle. It's a lot for me. This episode is brought to you by Airbnb. Let me tell you my favorite Airbnb story. It's a few years ago. And a big group of friends and I decide we want to go to Joshua Tree.

Out in the desert of California, we just want to have a vibey weekend, okay? So we go on Airbnb and we find a beautiful home in the middle of Joshua Tree and we book it. What I loved so much about this trip was kind of being roommates with my friends for the weekend. And we all just got to play house. We cooked for ourselves, we cleaned up after ourselves, and we just had a really good time.

This house was phenomenal too. I mean, everybody got their own bedroom. Everybody had their own private space. We had a private pool, a private hot tub. This house was so aesthetically beautiful that we were all just happy to be sitting in there and looking at it because it was just gorgeous. It was super private so we could all just be ourselves and hang out in the backyard and have fun and truly be by ourselves

in the desert. I have a lot of great Airbnb memories. More to come. Airbnb memories. More to come. So why did I Trevor Noah decide to do a podcast? I think this podcast gives me an opportunity to have the conversations that I've been having just with other people able to listen in on them. Come to this podcast because you want to thank, come to this podcast because you want to have fun, come to this podcast because you want to be challenged. Listen to what now with Trevorvinoa every Thursday on Spotify

or wherever you get your podcasts. My friends and I went to a bar afterwards and we saw some of our friends. Now these are not friends that we're super close with. These are kids who we hang out with sometimes. Okay, we're like definitely with. These are kids who we hang out with sometimes. Okay. We're like, definitely friends with them. We're on a texting basis. We text each other. We only ever hang out on the weekends. We know a decent amount about each other, but not a lot. It's sort of at that level.

Like, we're not super close. I start talking to one of our friends, and we're having a conversation, and I'm just over sharing left and right. It's not that I wasn't letting this person talk about themselves. It's not that I wasn't asking them questions about themselves, but every time it was my turn to talk, I swear to God, I was just exploding, telling this person way too much about my personal life probably. I'm not actually sure if I was taking it too far, but it's hard to remember because I was really drunk. The next morning I wake up and I'm a wreck.

I'm a wreck because I completely overshared. This is not a new experience. I'm not alone here. We've all probably done this, but it was particularly uncomfortable. And I think the reason for that is because I hadn't been drunk in a while and I hadn't experienced that sort of next day anxiety about oversharing. And so feeling it again for the first time in a while, wow, it was vivid.

It was vivid and it was dark. My whole day was very dark. I was so stressed out. I was like, oh my god, did I make this person feel weird? Because I was telling them too much about me. Or are we friends enough where that was okay? Like, not that it wouldn't have been okay, but it just would have been in bad taste, right?

No one's getting hurt. But are we friends enough where sharing these intimate details about my life are appropriate? Or warranted. Did they think it was weird? Do they now think I'm weird? Because of it, it was a whole meltdown that one has. And I sort of had an epiphany.

And I'm not sure why this epiphany came now because I've been oversharing arguably my whole life. I've always been somebody who felt comfortable and good being incredibly vulnerable in real life and online. And I think I know why on that way. Number one, it inspires a more interesting conversation. When I'm vulnerable with people, people feel more comfortable being vulnerable with me. And for whatever reason, I'm not afraid of being vulnerable. So I'm always the one to start it. And not always, I guess, but most of the time I'm the one to

start it because I'm so quick to just take it there. And you know, I start out small, and then I feel it out with the other person, and then I'll build it up. And I think it's how I foster a conversation that is exciting to me. I do enjoy small talk to an extent. I don't think small talk is completely useless. I participate in small talk just as much as the next person, but I do prefer a deeper conversation. You know, that is more mentally stimulating for me. Some people don't like a deep conversation and that's fine too. And I try to pick up on when somebody's not down to be vulnerable and so then I just either let my vulnerability be one-sided or I pull it back all together.

But overall, I think it inspires a together, but overall I think it inspires a more interesting conversation, and I think that's one reason why I do it. I also think I do it because it feels good to over share and be incredibly vulnerable with others. Tell them about all my shortcomings, all of my challenges, all of my struggles, not all of them,

but plug those in when it feels necessary, so that somebody gets a full, well-rounded picture of who I am. And the reason why that makes me feel safe, and comfortable, and good is because I'm no longer worrying about people finding out something about me later that they don't like. I'm able to trust that the person I'm talking to likes me for exactly who I am. They don't like me because they think that I'm hot and cool and mysterious.

They like me because they just like me, even with my flaws, even with my shortcomings. It's sort of a defense mechanism. It's like if I tell people about all sides of me, there's no chance that they'll find out about something later that they don't like and then they'll abandon me. So there's definitely a fear of abandonment involved in my desire to overshare. But I also think it just comes naturally to me. Like I have grown up in a household where I've been one on one with both of my parents.

My parents are divorced. I grew up spending time with them separately and very much one on one. I don't have siblings either. So I had a very open, honest relationship with both of my parents and I always felt comfortable telling them everything. I'm not sure that this is true across the board, but in my experience, when your parents get divorced, they are so vulnerable that they show you their child, a side of themselves that you would not have seen otherwise.

You see your parent as a human, a real human, flaws and all, in a really vivid way. My parents got divorced when I was five. I saw their humanity very young. And it put us on more of an even playing field. I feel like the power dynamic changed. It's hard to say, because I was only five, but I really I feel like the power dynamic changed. It's hard to say, because I was only five, but I really do believe that the power dynamic changed

and we became more like equals sooner. And so because of that, I just would tell my parents whatever, hey mom, just had sex for the first time. Whoop, it was so weird. Whoa, or like, hey dad just got super drunk at a party last night. They didn't always love the things that I did. And a lot of times they had a lot of constructive criticism on how I should live my life. But they would never get mad at me or scold me or make me feel bad.

And I think that that ability to overshare with my parents has just made me comfortable with saying whatever, to whoever, you know, telling embarrassing stories, talking about my challenges, like whatever it may be. I have no reservations because I grew up in a household where that was not met with explosive anger or explosive judgment. I feel like my oversharing comes with good intentions, which makes me wonder if I'm oversharing at all. I might just be a really deeply vulnerable person. I'm not quite sure, but I know for sure that when I'm drunk, I can over share. When I'm sober, I don't know.

I'm not 100% sure. When I'm drunk, yes, I can over share. Not always, but a lot. I think because my intentions with my over sharing or extreme vulnerability have always been good. I've never really questioned why I am that way. And whether or not it's a good thing. And I wanted to look into it. And so that's what I did. I started out by looking up what it means to overshare because I have my own definition to my head, right?

It's being extremely vulnerable with almost anyone. That was sort of my definition. When I googled it, I found something a little bit different. According to scienceofpeople.com, oversharing is when you say more than is appropriate in a given situation or to a specific person. This means that oversharing typically has less to do with what you say and more about when, why, in whom you say it. I feel like I'm pretty tactful about when I am really vulnerable and I feel like my sense of knowing when to go there is good and I could be completely delusional, which is very frightening, but I don't think I am. But I fully could be. I don't know. It's hard to know because the body language of others

is not ignored by me. I'm hyper focused on it. And so if I feel like somebody is not meeting me on my level of vulnerability, I will pull back or allow it to just be one-sided. And it's not that I don't let other people talk about themselves either. I'm not overwhelming somebody with my stories

or my experiences. Unless I feel like they want that. If they're asking me a bunch of questions and they seem to want to know more, I'm down to tell them my stories. And a lot of times people seem interested. I'm down to tell them my stories. And a lot of times people seem interested. So it's like, I don't know.

I don't know if I'm just a chronic overshare or completely lacking social cues and not seeing that people are not into it. Or if I'm just really, really tapped into my vulnerable side. And it's not oversharing because people are actually interested in want to hear about it. This further solidified my belief that I might not be a chronic oversharer. I might just be a really vulnerable person who then overshares when drunk. I'm still not 100% sure.

So, I wanted to look into why people overshare. What happens in the brain that makes us want to overshare? Because in order to figure out what the hell I'm doing, I wanted to see what causes it and see if any of them resonated with me. Here's what I found also from science of people.com People overshare to fast track a relationship. A common reason for oversharing is the desire to build depth and emotional intimacy before the relationship is ready. This can often be connected to a stress or fear of not being liked by the person. The thing that is confusing me though is that I don't know if I do it too soon because the point is like

Oversharing is the desire to build depth and emotional intimacy before the relationship is ready I feel like I tend to take it slow and build it up You know, I start with oversharing in ways that are lighter and funnier. I may be telling an embarrassing story Or telling an interesting story about myself that's kind of vulnerable. And then over time, maybe I'll build it up to more vulnerable stories, but it's sort of up for debate when a relationship is ready to become a bit more vulnerable. It's all based on feel.

And I think that my sense is pretty good, but I don't know. I don't know for sure. I'm not in other people's brains. I don't know how they're feeling about my level of vulnerability. So that's really going to cause me to have an existential identity crisis later, existential and identity crisis later. Another reason why people overshare is because they feel a false sense of closeness. When someone is in your personal space, whether they're styling your hair or painting your nails, it can be easy to feel it is acceptable to share a lot with them.

I definitely go in with my nail tech and my hairstylist and my makeup artists. They know everything about me. But again, I don't know if it's oversharing because yeah, I'm telling them all about my personal life. But a lot of times they come back to me with stories about their own personal lives that are equally as vulnerable. And if it's reciprocated, is it oversharing? People also overshare as a way to test how people will respond to something challenging

or painful one has experienced. I definitely do this all the time. I'll say something just to see what response I get. I don't even mean to do it, but I'll give an example. Let's say I was in a relationship and I told my boyfriend a story about my ex boyfriend. Like, well, one time my ex boyfriend said that I was really ugly in the morning. I might say that to test and see how my new current boyfriend responds. If he's like, ah, oh really?

That's weird. That would tell me like, oh fuck, my new boyfriend agrees. If he was like, what the fuck, that's so rude? You look gorgeous in the morning, babe. You're so hot in the morning. You look so good.

You're like, even though your eyes are so puffy that they're like swollen shut in like your hair, you have like a bald spot on the back of your head because you sleep so soundly that your hair gets all pushed and then you have a bald spot. You're so hot in the morning babe. I'd be like, oh my god, it's not true. I do look hot in the morning. That's exactly what I wanted to hear. You know what I mean? Sometimes we can fish to hear what we want to hear and a lot of times we overshare during that process. I definitely do that sometimes. Although I actively try not to and when I catch myself about to do it

I will try to stop because it's just not productive but I do resonate with that Next people overshare to avoid awkward silence. Some people hate awkward silence so much that they will do anything to avoid it, even oversharing, considering that awkward silence triggers the fight or flight part of our brain. I used to be so bad about this.

Oh my God, I couldn't handle a period of silence. I mean, even now I have moments where I struggle with silence, but when I was younger, it was so bad. And I would over share immediately to get rid of the silence. I think I'm getting better at it now, but there was a really long period of my life when wow, that was huge.

Because I always felt like it was my responsibility to prevent awkward silence. And I'll be honest, I haven't had many moments in my life where there has been an awkward silence because I don't let one happen. I will always fill it with something. For a long time, it was oversharing. I would say now I'm getting better at filling those gaps

with asking other people questions instead of just exploding with useless information about myself. I'm learning to turn it on the other person. And it can be tough when you're having a conversation with somebody who clearly wants you to be the one to talk. They maybe don't want to talk about themselves. They have the opposite issue that I do. They're not an oversharer.

They're mysterious. Ooh, that can get tough. the opposite issue that I do, they're not an oversharer. They're mysterious. Ooh, that can get tough. But yeah, I definitely have used oversharing to avoid awkward silence. People also overshare if they have social anxiety. Those who struggle with social anxiety are typically more prone to oversharing.

When you feel anxious around other people, it can easily lead to rambling. You may also start oversharing because of low self-confidence or the need to please people. Yeah, I resonate with all this as well. I would say I'm pretty outgoing overall, but I'm still definitely socially anxious. Now, not around everyone, but there are certain people, certain types of people that make me very socially anxious. People who I think are really cool, or people who I think are hot, like a hot guy or people who have a judgemental attitude, people like that make me very socially anxious, and I tend to ramble a lot around those people because I'm just, I don't know,

I can't think clearly, I can't slow my brain down. I'm like running on adrenaline. And so I'll tend to be a bit more prone to oversharing in those scenarios. So yeah, I resonate with that as well. Next, not being able to read social cues, people may overshare if they can't read the audience to see that they're uncomfortable with your oversharing. Some people just don't have a good sense of boundaries. See, this is where I'm held up because I really do think that I'm in tune with other people and I push it to a place where everybody's comfortable and everybody's enjoying the conversation. Like, I really do think that majority of the time, that's the case.

When I'm drunk, I don't know. That's where everything I know about myself goes out the window. But for the most part, I think I'm pretty good about keeping it in a place where everybody feels completely comfortable. But I'm having one of those crises where I'm like, would I even know if my sense was bad? I think I would,

but I could be completely delusional. Everybody could be behind my back right now being like, Emma literally has no social cues and will over share like there's no tomorrow. And clearly everybody is uncomfortable by it. That could fully be happening too. And it's freaking me out. And I need to do sort of a study with everyone I know. I need to like call everyone I know and have them be brutally honest with me because this is the one piece of this that is throwing me for a loop. And last but not least, being raised by overshareers. If oversharing was the norm in your childhood household, then you're probably going to overshare in the real world.

As I mentioned earlier, I definitely had that in my childhood home. But was it oversharing or was it vulnerability? After reading through the reasons why humans overshare, I found that I resonated with a lot of them. But I also was like, what does that say about me? Because it seems like the line between oversharing and being vulnerable is very blurred. And so I wanted to dig into what's the difference between oversharing and being healthily vulnerable with others.

Because those two things are very different. One is arguably a negative trait. And one is arguably a positive trait. Get the line between them is so blurred, it's messy. So thanks to ScienceOfPeople.com and having them posed, I found online the key difference between oversharing and being vulnerable. Here's what I found. Oversharing refers to the act of sharing too much personal information, often in an inappropriate or reckless manner.

On the other hand, vulnerability refers to the willingness to be open and honest about one's feelings, thoughts, and experiences, even when doing so may be difficult or uncomfortable. Both involve the sharing of personal information, but the key difference lies in the intention and context in which that information is shared. Oversharing may be motivated by a desire for attention or validation and may not consider the impact on oneself or others. Vonerability, on the other hand, involves a willingness to be open and honest about one's experiences in a way that fosters deeper

connection and understanding. I think the difference is oversharing is about personal gain in some way. Like, okay, if I overshare about my life, I'm going to get validation. Somehow, I'm going to get a feeling of release, getting to talk about this will allow me to release this burden. Oversharing will make this person feel like they're closer to me, which will give me a level of power over them in a way. Oversharing allows me to test a theory I have based on how this other person responds. Oversharing is enjoyable for me, and I like talking about myself too much. It seems like it's rooted in more selfish desires, whereas being vulnerable is more about making other people feel comfortable and allowing for deeper and more interesting conversation.

Now, you might be thinking right now, Emma, you've gone back and forth about yourself a whole lot so far today. And you'd be right, I've bounced back and forth between believing that I'm a deeply vulnerable person and I'm a chronic oversharer. And I think the conclusion I've come to is that I'm a little bit of both, but I'm definitely not mysterious. I'll tell you what, I can be really vulnerable, I can occasionally be an oversharing, I'm almost never mysterious.

We know that for sure. Through investigating the concept of oversharing, I figured out that I actually used to be a really severe, severe oversharing in a way that was unhealthy. And I think it was rooted in social anxiety, wanting to test people's responses, avoiding awkward silence, and weirdly feeling relief when I would do it. You know, oversharing for me used to allow me

to selfishly get something off my chest, and I definitely used to do that a lot more. I think without even realizing it through the years, I've been able to restrain myself and turn my oversharing into just being vulnerable. I still overshare occasionally when I'm drunk. But my self-diagnosis is that at this point in my life, I'm just really vulnerable. And I don't actually think that that's a bad thing. I went into this

mini self-discovery thinking that I had a problem. Honestly, I was like, I think I have an oversharing problem. But I'm coming out the other side realizing, no, I used to have a problem, but without even realizing it, I actually turned it into something positive. So that's a win for Emma today. Okay, that's a win for Emma today. I'm growing up, but I think it's important to know the difference between oversharing and being vulnerable, especially if you're somebody who's hyper aware of themselves, constantly analyzing themselves, because we don't want to stop being vulnerable,

because for people who are naturally vulnerable, that's somewhat of a superpower. It makes other people feel comfortable. It inspires great conversations. It makes other people feel less alone. There's so many benefits to being a deeply vulnerable person, but it's dangerous because it's so similar to oversharing that it's important to be clear on what the difference is

so that you can be the best person that you can be. And for those of you out there who are chronic oversharers, like how I used to be and continue to be a when drunk. I almost am talking about my drunk self as like a different version of myself. I know I shouldn't because that's still very much me, but it does feel like a different side of myself

because she comes out rarely. If you're a chronic oversharer, this is not bad. This just means that you have the ability to be incredibly vulnerable. And this is an exciting opportunity to say, let me take this negative trait over sharing, and turn it into a positive trait being really vulnerable, just through a few little shifts. So I looked up how to stop over sharing. So if there are some of you out there who are having a problem with it, I googled it for you.

Thanks again to scienceofpeople.com because you gave me a lot of information on this today. How to stop oversharing? Number one, ask questions. Leave room for others to talk about themselves. Don't give yourself the opportunity to overshare. If you're talking to somebody who's a bit more reserved, maybe asks you a lot of questions, fight back. Okay, don't take this as an opportunity to over share just because there's a lot of dead space. Try to make it your goal to get that other person to talk.

Next tip is so obvious, it's almost painful, but still it's sometimes helpful to be reminded. Practice mindfulness while speaking. Really think before you say things. For my whole life, up until more recently, I have just learned it out words without thinking. Like, never would I think before I spoke, I would just go. But now when I'm in conversation,

I'm much more thoughtful. Like before I say anything, I just briefly think about it. And I can't tell you how often I stop myself from saying too much or saying something I might regret saying later because it's too much information about myself. All the time, I stop myself. Next, figure out why you're oversharing. See what triggers you to want to overshare and come up with a solution for that moving forward. An example would be to want to oversharing, come up with a solution

for that moving forward. An example would be you tend to overshare when there is awkward silence. Well, maybe you figure out a question that you can ask any time you hit a moment of awkward silence in a conversation. So maybe that would be, wait, where did you grow up? Or maybe that could be, so what'd you do today? Or maybe that could be, so how's school going? It could be whatever, it could be whatever.

But have a list of five questions that you can just pop into a conversation anytime things get weird. So then instead of you feeling like, okay, I'm just gonna over share now, you have a tool. Oh, I'm gonna just ask one of my five questions that I always have in my archive and my brain, you know? And last but not least, shift the combo when discussing

something that you tend to overshare about. I have a few things I tend to overshare about. Number one, my love life. Terrible about it. I can't stop talking about it. Tell everyone everything. That's not true. That's not true. Yeah, it is. It kind of is. Love to overshare about gross embarrassing stories about myself, like, oh, that one time I shed the bed, oh, that one time I threw up on Hollywood Boulevard, oh, that one time I threw up through my nose at a workout class. Oh, meal came out of my nose at that workout class. Oh, that one time I popped out a tonsil stone with my finger. Like, not everyone needs to hear about those stories all the time.

They're fun and sometimes entertaining and funny too. But yeah, not everyone needs to know about that. Or me bringing up the fact that my parents are divorced. I have many different triggers where I have a lot of stories to tell, and I have a lot of things to share. And sometimes it makes sense to dive into those things. And that's great. And it's good to be vulnerable about these things.

But it's not always the right time. Determine whether the answers yes or no, and if the answer is no, then shift the combos quickly as you can, just so that you don't even get tempted. The second that you decide, no, I shouldn't do this. Immediately change the subject or ask them a question. Listen, it's so important to nurture the side of yourself that wants to be vulnerable because genuine vulnerability helps us build

meaningful bonds with others. It shows every side of our personality to people so that they have a well-rounded idea of who we are. It allows people to get to know us better. It makes other people feel less alone through shared experiences. It is so, so, so important. But for those of us who are so prone to being vulnerable, we're also very prone to oversharing. So being aware can change your life. And for a lot of us who are chronic overshares, we'll just naturally grow out of it. That's really what happened to me. I realized that I just sort of naturally grew out of it. And the positive shift

sort of happened on its own. Like I gradually went from being an oversharer to being more of just a vulnerable person in general. And I didn't even have to really try, but I think I had enough instances where I felt shame and anxiety after oversharing. And I got to a point where I was like, okay, you know what, I can't do this anymore. I need to be a bit more mindful. And that was pretty much the only thing I implemented in retrospect.

It was just a little bit more mindful. That's just thinking a little bit more before I speak and not letting myself go completely. But I'm not completely perfect. You know, I still occasionally overshare, especially when I'm drunk. And that's something that still needs a bit of work. But now that I'm so vividly aware of the difference between being vulnerable and oversharing, I think it's going to become easier for me to navigate down the line. And so I'm glad I went down this little rabbit hole. It wasn't that deep of a rabbit hole, but it was deep enough. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this episode. If you're an oversharer

I hope that you gained something from this. If you're deeply vulnerable I hope that you are reminded how much of a superpower that is. If you're somebody who's more mysterious I hope that this allowed you to understand the people in your life who overshare and I don't know. I just hope that you know that you're awesome. And I'm so grateful that you decided to hang out with me today. And if you enjoyed it, new episodes every Thursday and Sunday, you can stream anywhere you stream podcasts. But video is exclusive on Spotify, so go to Spotify to watch the video episode of this podcast. Check out anything goes on Instagram and anything goes.

Check me out on Instagram at Emma Chamberlain. Check out my coffee company Emma Chamberlain. Check out my coffee company Chamberlain coffee. Right now I'm drinking an ice latte that I made homemade and I'm using our new caramel blend. It's fucking good. So go check out Chamberlain coffee. We're in stores and we're online. So go check out the store locator if you want to find us in a store near you I just love and appreciate you all and I'm always so grateful to spend time with you And I hope that you feel the same and if you don't that's okay. I get it. I'll talk to you all soon Love and appreciate you all

Okay, talk to you later. Okay, bye Love and appreciate you all. Okay, talk to you later. Okay, bye.