anything goes with emma chamberlain - are you living for you? [video]

Episode Date: June 4, 2023

[video available on Spotify] there have been many times in my life where i've found myself feeling really unhappy and not knowing what the issue was. and i've often realized that in those moments, i was feeling unhappy because i was not living life for me. i was living life for everyone and everything else. i wasn't listening to my own opinions. i wasn't making decisions for me. and what's really interesting about falling into a phase like this is that you don't always notice it. it happens slowly and is not obvious. and so today i want to talk about living life for you. i want to discuss some of the sneaky ways that you can find yourself in a routine where you're not living for you, discuss what it can look like, and how to get out of it. because when you're living life truly for you, it's so freeing. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

There have been many times in my life where I've found myself feeling really unhappy and not knowing what the issue was. But yet knowing that there was an issue and then a few months later I would discover what the thing was. And in many times in my life, I've realized that in those moments, I was feeling unhappy because I was not living life for me. I was living life for everyone else and everything else but me. I wasn't listening to my own opinions. I wasn't making decisions for me. Everything I was doing was a product of someone living life for you is that you don't always notice it. It happens slowly and it's not obvious. It's kind of hard to spot.

It's kind of hard to spot. And that's why almost every time I've experienced it, I've not realized in the moment that it was happening. I've pretty much only ever been able to spot it months later, which is interesting because it's something I'm aware of, but yet I can fall into it and not even recognize it when it's happening. Because it can come in so many shapes and sizes, it can come in many different forms.

It's not always the same twice, but it has the same psychological impact But it has the same psychological impact and the same terrible feeling. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Let's get personal. You know what? Every once in a while, I like making things about me. Okay. Every once in a while.

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pair up with a Macy's personal stylist, they can help you put looks together in-store and virtually. In best of all, it's totally free. Head on over to Macy's.com slash personal stylist to book your appointment today. When you're living life for someone or something else other than you, you can weirdly feel trapped in a way. You feel trapped by maybe, well, confined maybe. I mean, it's trapped and confined the same thing, not really, find to some other force and what that's sort of inspiring you to do. And it can be really upsetting. And so today I wanted to talk about living life for you. And I wanna discuss some of the sneaky ways that you can find yourself in a routine where you're not living for you.

Discuss some situations that sort of cause this experience. Discuss what it can look like, discuss how to get out of it. Because when you're living life truly for you and what's right for you, it's so freeing. You feel free in a way because there are so many things, pressuring us to do this and do that, whether it's someone we know, someone we love, or it's society telling us to do this or that. There are so many forces coming at us at all times telling us how to do things. And it can be really hard to not succumb to that pressure, but we're all extremely capable

of just doing shit for us because at the end of the day, you got to take care of yourself first. I mean, it's kind of like a corny Pinterest quote at this point, you can't take care of others unless you take care of yourself first, but it's really true. I have moments when I worry about whether or not my podcast is just like a long version of a Pinterest quote, I worry about it.

I can't sleep some nights over it, but this is my destiny. I'm sorry. This is like what my gut wants me to do. Okay, this is what my gut wants me to talk about. I'm sorry. And you know what? If I'm fucking corny for it, hands up.

I'm guilty. If the cringe police show up at my door and take me away, I will go to the cringe jail knowing that I did what my god told me to do. Sorry. Okay, so let's get into these different scenarios that can cause you to not be living life for you. The one that's been the most prevalent in my life is the fear of damaging relationships can cause you to get into this routine of doing things for other people,

for the sake of the relationship, or so you think in your head, saying yes to everything, like every time you get a text from a friend or from your significant other, saying, hey, are you free tomorrow afternoon? Like I want to go shopping. In order to say yes to that person, you're canceling all your other plans because for whatever reason, this relationship means so much to you that you will do anything to make sure that it stays preserved. Or you may not feel comfortable setting boundaries out of the fear that the relationship will be damaged. So let's say, you know, you kind of need space to get some work done.

Let's say, you know, you're working on something, whether it's a project for work, or maybe it's a creative endeavor, or maybe it's school-related, like you're studying for tests, whatever it's a creative endeavor or maybe it's school related, like you're studying for tests, whatever it might be. You might not feel comfortable setting a boundary with somebody who you have a relationship with, like a time boundary, you know, like, oh, I can't hang out with you for the next two weeks because I need to just grind on this, right? You might not feel comfortable making that boundary because you're afraid of hurting their feelings or you're afraid of them getting angry and retaliating against you or something. And so instead, you put yourself out

and you don't give yourself that time that you need. And you know, you're maybe talking to this person more than you wish you were're maybe talking to this person more than you wish you were or hanging out with this person more than you wish you were. Or maybe you participate in activities that you actually don't enjoy in order to please someone that you're in a relationship with. Now when I say relationship, it can be friendship or romantic relationship. Keep that in mind. But let's say it's a Saturday and your friend really wants to go to a horseback riding competition. The truth is you don't give a fuck about horseback riding. And to be honest, you have better things to do. You need to work on

this. You need to work on that. You haven't hung out with this other friend in a while, but because you're so afraid of damaging your friendship with this person, instead of respecting the fact that you don't really want to go, and that's okay, you force yourself to go because you don't want to damage the relationship. Or in a more extreme case, let's say your friend wants to go to a party that's really crazy, and maybe there's going to be some illegal activities going on there. Let's say you're not interested in going to this party because you're like, I feel like the cops are going to come, like this is sketchy. I don't want to do this, but your friend's like, no, like we have to go. And so you go anyway,

and then, you know, while you're there, you're uncomfortable, you're nervous, you're anxious, you go and I'm saying here, being a yes man in relationships as a way to preserve the relationship. I think this is a great example of not living for you. This is an example of living for the people that you have relationships with in your life because you want to preserve those relationships. And understandably so.

I mean, one of the most fulfilling parts of life is our relationships with other people. And this is something I'm discovering more and more as I grow up. Life is really nothing without other people. It really, it's nothing. Now that's not to say that being alone sometimes and being independent sometimes is an incredible thing because it is. And I'm a big fan of independence and being comfortable alone. But it's so understandable to fear damaging relationships because we cherish our relationships in life. But when we're living in fear of damaging relationships to a point where we're canceling our plans to please others,

or we're not speaking our mind or standing up for ourselves in order to avoid conflict, or we're doing things that don't align with our character in order to avoid conflict. Or we're doing things that don't align with our character in order to, you know, please the person that we're in the relationship with, whatever, when we start to get to that point, it's just damaging to us.

But also, long term, it's damaging to the relationship as well because not living life for you makes you unhappy. Which then makes you less enjoyable to be around in a way, right? Now, I'm not saying you need to be perfect happy, go lucky all the time to be a good friend, right? Or to be a good significant other or to be a good friend, right, or to be a good significant other, or to be a good family member. No, we all have our shitty moments, right? But it's just ironic that a lot of times we can live for the people that we're in relationships

with, romantic or not, and not live for ourselves as a way to preserve a relationship, but then long-term, it just damages the relationship because it's damaging our self. build the confidence and the sense of self in a way to be able to feel confident in our thoughts, beliefs, opinions, desires, and to not fear losing someone over those because the truth is anyone who doesn't respect your wishes in a way who doesn't respect you and what you want to do and your space and your time isn't somebody that you really want to be in a relationship with anyway. And once you can come to terms with that and come to terms with the fact that having this realization may come with losing a few people along the way because some people may not

be able to do that. Then you can truly have relationships where you have this healthy balance and you're being a good friend, significant other, a family member, whatever. But also you have a solid sense of self and just because you love them and you appreciate them, doesn't mean that you agree with everything that they say and want to do everything that they want to do, and have time to hang out with them 24-7, right? I think the real formula to avoiding this type of situation is to number one, work on your sense of independence.

Working on your independence is so helpful with this specific situation because independence is a superpower because what it does is it allows you to be more picky with who you spend your time with because you're okay with having a little moment of loneliness. You're okay with having, you know, a little period of time where you don't really have people around you who align with you because that moments like that are gonna happen people are gonna come and go out of your life And they are gonna be these scary moments where you feel kind of alone in a way and that's part of You know only keeping the quality people close There are gonna be moments of loneliness at times and I think the reason why

We become yes men in relationships is because we're scared of that lonely period. What would happen if I lost this person, then my circle would get smaller, and then would if I lose another person on top of that person, and then I'm even more lonely, it's this fear of loneliness that creates this issue. And so if you can become comfortable with the idea of lonely periods of life, then you're not afraid of standing up for yourself in a relationship. You're not afraid of setting boundaries.

You're not afraid of ruffling someone's feathers a little bit in an innocent way, because you're like, well, if they don't respect me and they don't respect the fact that I'm living for me, then I don't want them in my life anyway. You know, the next scenario we're going to be discussing is familial pressure. We all have very different dynamics with our family. But I would say it's overwhelmingly common to experience a level of familial pressure. Although I've been really fortunate that I haven't really felt this in my family.

You know, my parents have always been very relaxed about what I do with my life, which is a miracle and is so rare. I've had maybe some extended family members have a strong opinion about what I'm doing with my life or, you know, maybe criticize something that I'm doing or ask, you know, questions like, why don't you do in this? Why aren't you doing this? Sure. But when it comes to my parents, I've been really lucky. But whether it's your parents or extended family, family dynamics are interesting because there's this sort of Comfortability That's unique

Because in theory love and family is unconditional Not saying it's always unconditional, but in theory it is which is why there's sometimes this over Comfortability there's sometimes this over-comfortable in familial relationships because I think people feel the freedom to sort of behave however they want because they're not afraid of their granddaughter disowning them.

You know, they're like, well, but I'm your grandma. Like you can't disown me or I'm your mom. You can't disowning them. You know, they're like, well, but I'm your grandma. Like you can't disown me. Or I'm your mom, you can't disown me. You know, I'm your dad, you can't disown me. Like there's a lot of especially older family members that will look towards the kids and say, you love me unconditionally. So I can kind of say whatever the fuck I want to you

and you're gonna like it, right? And I think that that can be a problem at times because family members can feel comfortable to share opinions or expectations that they have for other family members that are maybe not cool to share or aren't even appropriate to share. I think that this level of comfort and security can cause an incredibly open and at times even judge menal dialogue that can sometimes overstep or feel demanding or overly judgemental because our family members feel safe to do so. I mean, a lot of us have at least one family member who just cannot seem to keep their opinions or expectations to themselves.

Showing up to things, giving like, so let's see a report card. Are you going to a really, really expensive school, honey? Where are you gonna get the money, though? You don't have a job. Where's your job? When are you gonna get a job? When do you have a kids?

It's where to go. You're literally 20, whereas your kids, why aren't you pregnant? Where's your husband? Where's your wife, okay? And you're like, shut the fuck up. Like, you know what I mean? We all, actually, I don't know if I really have that.

I've seen it happen to other people, probably more than it's happened to me, but it has probably happened to me. You know, like, I think it happens to other people, probably more than it's happened to me, but it has probably happened to me. I think it happens to everyone. Or some of us might have families that are really successful. Our parents went to really prestigious colleges and now are doctors. Now there's this unspoken pressure to follow in your parents' footsteps.

Or maybe it's the opposite. And maybe our parents didn't go to college and really want you to go to college and get a certain type of job to sort of break the cycle. Whatever it may be, there's a lot of pressure that can come from the family, right? To live life a certain way, make certain decisions, etc. And although our families usually mean well and just want the best for us, these sorts

of conversations can still plant seeds in our head that are somewhat unhealthy for us, because a lot of us respect and love our families and want to impress them and make them proud. And sometimes our families have a specific idea of what that looks like. And so they can start shooting out opinions of what that looks like to you and you're like, listen, I want to impress you, but in my own way. And sometimes our family members can't comprehend that.

You know, I was really fortunate because my parents, the college situation was for them was not necessarily super transformative. My dad did not graduate. My mom went to an art school, I believe. That wasn't really something that benefited them in their careers. I think it was probably a good experience for them both, but I don't think it really changed their career trajectory. But yeah, I mean, I was fortunate that my parents never put pressure on me because I don't think they were concerned about upkeeping an image with the way I turned out because they don't really care about that.

Like, they don't care about the status of what job you have or what college you went to or how much money you have. So that wasn't really a concern. But again, to not make this all about me, that's not the case for everybody. And although I haven't experienced it, you know, I can fully empathize with what that would feel like. And I think one must

take the advice and the expectations from their family with a grain of salt. And to be honest, we should take all advice and all expectations with a grain of salt. I don't think that it should be completely ignored because again, lot of time our our family has our best interest at heart. But I think there's a way that you can take the opinions of your family and internalize them and analyze them on a personal level and decide whether or not you align with them. And instead of feeling like, oh, I have to go, you know, do exactly what my parents told me to do or what my grandma told me to do or whatever,

you could say, you know, I really appreciate that they gave me this input, but I am gonna go in a different direction. And then from that point, you can decide, okay, am I gonna go and communicate with my family members and explain what from that point, you can decide, okay, am I going to go and communicate with my family members and explain what I want to do, why I want to do it, and how I'm to do it? Or do I just want to show them one day?

Keep it kind of to myself for a little while, get it worked out, and then present to them and be like, this is what I'm doing. Whatever route you may want to take, it's important to do so because the truth is when you're making decisions for other people and your family, especially, if you end up unhappy in the situations that you're in, that your family sort of seated in your mind, you're going to end up building resentment towards your family. And you're going to end up angry at your family because you're going to be like, you guys

steered me wrong. I should have gone with my gut. And I think long term for the familial relationship, it is healthier to do what you want to do. Even if there's a rough patch in your relationship with your family over the decision to not listen to them, right? Not go in the direction they wanted you to go. Because the truth is you're the only one living your life. They care, they want you to listen to whatever, but a lot of times they'll kind of get over it eventually because it's not their life. And I think a lot of times through communication, you know, a level of understanding can be found with your family.

But I would also be blissfully ignorant if I didn't mention the potential for serious family conflict, you know, I mean, that's absolutely possible. There are going to be times when your family really doesn't agree with you, doesn't align with you. And there might be times when your relationship with them fizzles over it. Now, I will say it's one thing when a family member sort of takes control of a situation in your life

when it's like dangerous or toxic. I'm not referring to that. Like if you are doing something with your life that is really damaging or really toxic, your family should come in and tell you what the fuck to do and be stern with you and be even at times, maybe even mean to you, right? Like get in your face and fucking tell you what's up.

That's one thing, but I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about scenarios that are, kind of, dare I say inconsequential. Like whether or not you have kids, whether or not you go to college, whether or not you get this job or that job. At the end of the day, you know, that's inconsequential, to an extent.

It's not inconsequential, that's not the right word. It's harmless, right? Those are harmless decisions. Your family can come in and give you gentle advice and gentle wisdom, that's appreciated. But, you know, coming in and setting expectations and being judgmental and harsh about the way that they portray their vision for your life, that's the damaging thing. That's what we're talking about here.

Family members who tend to lead with this sort of passion tend to be the ones that that get upset if you don't listen to them. And it can be challenging to navigate, but I think it is absolutely worth it. Because at the end of the day, it's your life and you got to do what you got to do to make you feel as fulfilled and excited about life as you can. Another scenario is succumbing to peer pressure. Wanting to fit in, wanting to hang with the cool kids or whatever. This can cause us to behave in ways that are not organic to us.

And listen, there are times when in a way peer pressure can be good, okay? Like for example, going out of your comfort zone a little bit, maybe wearing like a cute new dress that you're a little nervous to wear, but that you really like maybe your peer pressured you to wear it. And you actually ended up feeling really good in it,

and it made you feel more confident. Or let's say, you got peer pressured into trying rock climbing. And you didn't really want to do it, because you're like, oh, I'm gonna look so stupid if I rock climb, like I don't want to do it. But all your friends are like, no, dude, you gotta come rock climbing with us.

It's the best rock climbing is so fun. You got to come and then you end up falling in love with rock climbing. Like you see, I'm saying there are times when peer pressure can maybe be a positive thing, but I would say for the most part, it's not. I just had to mention at least an example of when it can be positive because I don't want to ignore those types of moments. But I think the term pure pressure tends to come with a negative connotation.

I don't think most of us use that term in a glowing way. Wanting to fit in and blend in with a group and not kill the vibe of a group can cause you to prioritize mimicking everyone else's actions instead of actively thinking about what we want to do. You know what I'm saying? I think there's a lot of pressure, a lot of times, to not kill the vibe. Like for example, you're at a party, everyone's drinking. Someone offers you a drink and you're like, ah, I don't really want a drink.

And you think that in your head. And then you're, you know, everybody's like, no, dude, you have to have a drink, whatever. And then you end up succumbing to that pressure because you're like, I don't wanna kill the vibe. Or let's say all your friends are dressing in a certain type of way. Like everybody's, you know, let's say everybody is like loving the, everybody's really 90s.

Everybody's in like a 90s mode, okay? But you're like, I'm not really into the 90s vibe right now. Like I just kind of, I'm into a more futuristic aesthetic right now. This is so silly. What a stupid example. But you get what I'm saying. You get what I'm saying. But then, you know, instead of doing your own thing, you'd rather just sort of fit in with the group. And maybe your friends are like peer-pressuring you to kind of like match with them, you know whatever. Like, oh my god, no, like we are all like un-themed and you're like not un-themed, bitch.

What the fuck? You know that vibe. Not that that exact scenario happens, but listen, I do the best I can with my examples here. The funny thing about peer pressure is that honestly, when it all comes down to, is not wanting to ruin the vibe for everyone else, okay? That's like a really, really Gen Z way to put it. My Gen Z is showing, you don't want to kill the vibe. That's why we succumb to peer pressure because we don't want to kill the vibe. And we want to just fit in and we want to be a part of the group, right?

The truth is, is that not every environment involves peer pressure. When I was in middle school and high school and things like that, I put myself into situations where I felt somewhat peer pressured, whether it was to go to a party or it was to wear a certain type of clothes or it was to have a crush on this boy because everyone else has a crush on this boy. You know, whatever it was.

Like, I put myself into scenarios where I was peer pressured. I also think it's more common to experience peer pressure in middle school and high school than it is to experience in adulthood, but I think it absolutely occurs in adulthood, you know? Like I think a good example of how it could happen to an adult would be,'s say a mom, you

know, a new mom just gave birth, right? All of her friends have also recently given birth and they're all telling her how to be a mom, right? Because they had kids first. So they're all like, okay, well, we all put our kids into this preschool because this preschool teaches your kid how to do long division at six months years old, six months years old, long division. My kid's going to be so fucking smart, smarter than yours.

But yeah, put the kid into this preschool and feeding my kid this baby food because I think that this baby food will make my kid the next top model. So I'm feeding my kid this fucking baby food. And that, you know what I'm saying? And then you kind of get pure pressured into doing the same for your child as a mother because all your mom friends are telling you this is what we're doing, what are you doing?

And then you're like, well, I don't know. I haven't really thought about it. And you're like, oh, you know, they're like, well, you should be doing it like this. And then you're like, well, but I was actually thinking about putting my kid into this preschool and feeding my kid this type of food because of these reasons. And they're like, what? Oh, you got it. You know what I'm saying? It happens no matter what age you are. I mean, I think the older you get the less it occurs, but you know, all of this to say, these types of environments are avoidable. And I think when you find yourself in a place

where you're experiencing peer pressure, the first step is to analyze whether or not you even really enjoy being around the people that are peer-pressuring you. That's the first thing to ask yourself. And I think most of the time you're going to discover, wait a minute, I don't even really think these are good people to be around. I don't think these are good influences on me.

But maybe you're allowing yourself to be peer-pressured. Like maybe no one's really even pressuring you to do anything, but rather you are almost pressuring yourself in a way. Like for example, you're at a party, somebody comes up and says, hey, do you want a drink? And you say, yeah, because you don't want to kill the vibe. When in reality, if you would have said, oh, no, thanks, they would have been

like, oh, yeah, no problem. You see what I'm saying? So the first step is to figure out if it's you or if it's the environment. Are you pressuring yourself based on your peers or are your peers literally pressuring you. Okay, that's step one. And then step two I think is finding confidence in certainty in who you are and what you want to do with yourself, you know, and finding confidence in that in some way. And that's challenging. I would say the way that I've done that in my life is through experimenting in a way, you know, kind of testing the waters in moments when I might feel sort of peer pressured in

some way to do something. I've taken small steps over time to sort of fight against it and be like, no, I don't want to drink or no, I don't want to dress like you guys or no, I don't want to be friends with these people or no, I don't want to have a crush on the same guys all of you. You know, whatever it might be like, I've slowly but surely practiced being honest and not succumbing to the pressure. And over time, what I've discovered is that only good things come from it. Either one, I find out that someone I'm hanging around with is probably not a good influence on me. And they're not a good influence on me and they're not a

good friend and I don't really want to be friends with them anymore. Or I discover, wait a minute, this person actually respects me even more now because I have a different point of view. I'm at a place now where I think it's cooler when I see someone not succumbed to peer pressure. You know, when someone says, eh, that's not my thing. I don't want to do that. Or I don't like that. Or whatever it might be. Like that's cool to me.

Like when I see that from across the room, I see someone stand firm in themselves. I'm like, fuck, that's cool. Like I think it's cool. It's really overall a positive thing. It either weeds out the fakes or it grows respect for you in others. And most importantly, it also helps you build respect for yourself. Now, this is one of the scenarios where it's like what came first, the chicken or the egg, right? Did the self-respect that you developed help you fight peer pressure or did

you develop self-respect through combating peer pressure? I think it's a combination of both. I think you need a little bit of self-respect through combating peer pressure. I think it's a combination of both. I think you need a little bit of self-respect and a little bit of confidence to start standing up for yourself and standing firm in what you want to do. But then I think what comes once you start doing that is even more self-respect and self-confidence. Because you start to realize, that is even more self-respect and self-confidence because you start to realize, wow, this actually makes people appreciate me even more. And I get to just be myself and do what I want to do with my life. And it's only making my relationships higher quality and my life higher quality. What a beautiful thing.

Another scenario is doing things out of competitiveness. Now this is one of the examples of not living for you that's interesting because it's not like a person is the root of the issue. It's not like there's one person or even a handful of people that are causing you to not live for you and to instead live for them. This is one of those scenarios that are more complex because you're living for a thing more. How do I even explain it? Well, I'll just try my best. Sometimes we can

live to win instead of living for ourselves. We can live to be the best instead of living for ourselves because living to win in some way doesn't mean being happy. It just means being the best. Now that means something different for everyone. What the best means is different for everyone. It might have something to do with fame, it might have something to do with wealth, status, whatever, but living to win is not living for you. Because usually it makes you unhappy. And the whole point of living for you is to try to live the most enjoyable, fulfilling, rewarding life you can. Now, we live in a pretty competitive society. Everybody's competing to go to the best college. Everybody's competing to get the best job.

Everybody's competing to make the most money. Everyone's competing to be the most famous. Some of us see life as a competition and we want to be the most famous, some of us see life as a competition. And we want to be the richest, most famous, most respectable person we possibly can be. And sometimes out of the desire to feel like a winner or to feel better than others, you may take shortcuts or hurt people on the way to reaching some sort of higher status. If you believe that these things have value, these things being, you know, fame, wealth, money, status, whatever.

And that's what I mean by not living for you. Like living for you means doing things that align with you morally, doing things that make you feel good. But when you're living to win, you might take shortcuts. You might hurt people on the way to the top because you're living just to win.

My dad and I were actually talking this morning about how he never chose a high-paying job because those jobs never allowed him to have any flexibility in his schedule. He was more focused on finding a job that gave him the schedule that would allow him to pursue other things in life, whether that was creative endeavors or a stronger relationship with me, he chose to make not a lot of money in exchange for a happier life

because out of everyone on the planet that I know my dad lives for him, and to him, being the wealthiest brother out of his three brothers, being the wealthiest guy on the block in our neighborhood, didn't matter to him, because to him happiness and fulfillment was the number one priority. And so he was living for him by choosing not to work

a higher paying job so that he could have flexibility in his life, even if it meant that he had to sacrifice other things. And I think he's a great example of not living to win because the truth is, living to win a lot of times makes you lose because you aren't as fulfilled in your life. Living for you is winning. Doing what you wanna do is winning.

I don't wanna be mistaken when I say people who live in a state of competitiveness are living to win and be taken literally because somebody who's in that mindset believes that they're living to win. When in reality, they are not. Does that make sense? I'm not saying that I believe that that is how you win in life. I'm saying that that is what is believed by the person with that mindset. I think competitiveness can make you blind to your own morals at times, whether it's something

small, like kicking someone's leg in a soccer game and like breaking their knee on purpose because you're feeling competitive or it's, you know, creating a business and treating your employees like shit, like whatever it might be. I think a lot of people can turn a blind eye to their morals when they're feeling competitive because it just makes you blind sometimes. I think if you're in a place where you're sort of I think if you're in a place where you're sort of living in this competitive space and you're not living for you, you're living to win, the only thing you can do to sort of turn that off is to really, really work on your priorities. And it's so hard because shifting your priorities, it's fucking tough. And I don't judge people who are living in a competitive mindset. Listen, there's a priority in balance,

but it's something that's challenging to fix. And so in a lot of ways, I feel for people who are experiencing this specific scenario because it's so hard to turn off. And we've sort of been conditioned to see wealth in status and fame and fortune as being something that signifies winning in life that makes you feel fulfilled, that makes you feel whole in some way. And the truth is it doesn't do that. It's shockingly less fulfilling than you would expect. And a lot of people who are living in this mindset will find that out the hard way. And it would have been much easier to make decisions based on what was going to make you feel most fulfilled. Now it's also complicated because maybe going to a prestigious college will actually make

you feel fulfilled. Maybe that is living for you. Maybe getting a really challenging job is what will make you the most happy. Maybe, but I think there's a lot of people who push towards those things. When in reality, those aren't the things that are actually going to make them happy. Next, I think a lot of us feel the pressure to live life a certain way because we experience a lot of societal pressures, telling us how to live our lives. Okay, we go to school, we go to college, we get a job, we get married, we have kids, we die,

and it's picture perfect and everyone's happy and life goes on. Well, no, I guess life doesn't go on because you die after that point. And I think a lot of us feel the pressure to live to accomplish that specific goal. I think a lot of us feel the pressure to live to fill that specific goal. I think a lot of us feel the pressure to live to fill that mold. And as much as I think there is some value to that trajectory, it's kind of like the obvious trajectory, you know? As much as I think that it can be valuable for some people

and it can be a positive experience and a positive path for people. I think that it can also be damaging to an extent because we're sort of trained to believe that if we don't follow that trajectory that we failed. And there are going to be a lot of people who truly live life for themselves and follow this trajectory because it's the obvious way to go. It's the comfortable way to go at times and it can be a really fulfilling way to go, right? But I think the key to having a healthy relationship with this societal pressure to follow the life trajectory is to put it into context like Yes, this is a generic

Possibly very positive mold to follow, but it's optional I feel like a lot of us look at it as mandatory, but the truth is it's optional and we can mold it and change it and do it a little different optional and we can mold it and change it and do it a little different to make it our own. We could throw the whole thing in the trash and go a complete opposite direction. Yeah, it's a decent guideline to have there, but it basically means nothing and you can do whatever you want. I think once you have that perspective on it and you can look at it as something that's just an example of how you can live your life, just an example. It's not a rule book, it's not even a guideline, it's just an example.

If you can look at it like that, then I think you can appreciate it for what it does offer, you know, because like there are things about it that are, I mean, it's so simple. It's like the sort of trajectory is so simple. It's like school, college, work, family, die, right? That seems so simple. It doesn't seem that hard to follow. But there are some people who don't want to go to college where there are some people who don't want to get married. There are some people who want to get married later in life. There are some people who want to have kids later in life, adopt kids later in life.

There are some people who just want to have dogs instead of having kids, whatever. There are some people that want to graduate early from high school like I did and do something completely random with their life. You know what I mean? I'm able to now see the value in this example because I'm not looking at it as a mandatory guideline in my life. I think there's a lot of resentment that grows towards this sort of mold because a lot of us feel pressure to fit ourselves into it, but I think once you can just look at it simply as an example, you can actually healthily analyze it as an option and figure out what you really want

to do for you. Because once you look at it as just an example, you can decide whether or not it works for you or how you can tweak it to make it work for you or how you can go in a completely different direction. And I know that sometimes it's more than just a societal pressure to follow that trajectory. I mean, as we mentioned earlier, the familial pressures can definitely relate here because a lot of times our families will tell us, well, when are you going to married? When are you going to college? When are you going to have

a kid, you know, in that complicates things. but it's a process of reframing the way we look at societal pressures, and instead of looking at them as a mandatory mold, instead just looking at them as an example, that's it. It's a matter of unlearning this societal pressure completely and realizing that it means nothing. And that's really challenging because when something has been shown to you since you were a child in movies, in real life, etc. It can be so hard to then

unlearn it because it's just been a part of your life forever. It's so hard to unlearn something that's been in your mind since you were a child, but it can be done. And I did it. It was challenging though because I was so dead set on like fulfilling this trajectory. School, college, job, kids, family, whatever, die. And I ended up not going to college. You know, I have kind of an unusual job that's not like a traditional job. I would like to have kids and have a family, but that's kind of the only part of that trajectory that I stopped to traditionally, right?

And there was a lot of doubt when I was going off track a little because I was like, this is risky, like this is scary, this is bad. I'm like, you know, I'm going to get screwed over. Like one false move and I'm going to get screwed over. The truth is that's not really true. Like you're going to be okay. You don't need to go to a four-year college to succeed in life. I feel like we're taught from a young age

that if we don't sort of follow this guideline perfectly that we're going to just end up with zero dollars in the bank account. You know, and listen, that's possible. Don't get me wrong. But you can totally make shit work. Like you can make it work. No matter what, you don't need to go to a four-year college to succeed in life. You don't need to have kids to feel fulfilled in life.

I mean, there's so many different ways to live life. And last but not least, living for the internet, I saved this for last because I love talking about the internet, it's my favorite topic. A lot of us are living for the internet. Okay, a lot of us. And listen, I'm guilty of this. I am guilty of this.

When I used to film my day-to-day life for YouTube, I found myself living for the internet, not living for me. I found myself doing things for the sake of a video, doing things for the sake of Instagram. I was not living for me. I was living for the internet. I think we feel a pressure to present ourselves in a certain way on the internet because it's such a powerful way to represent our personalities. But I think when this can turn sour is when we're participating in activities that are not organic to us. We're not doing things that we would normally do.

We're doing things just for the sake of how it will look online. For example, people will go on vacations just for the sake of social media. People will hang out with people that they don't even really like just for the sake of social media. I mean, this is probably more prevalent with people who consider themselves to be influencers, whatever that means anymore, says me, but whatever. But I think it's prevalent across the board. And I think the key to turning that off is to make it a rule in your mind that you will live for you first,

live for the phone and live for the camera second. first, live for the phone and live for the camera, second. Every time you do something that you're going to document, ask yourself, am I doing this for me or am I doing this for the camera? Because it is not fun to live a fake life for the internet. It is not fun because there have been moments when I've done things just for the sake of Instagram. Like I've worn a certain outfit and gone to a certain park just for the sake of Instagram to get a photo. There have been times when, you know, I've ordered a fancy

like aesthetically pleasing food item at a restaurant for the sake of Instagram. Now these are not things I've done that many times, but I've definitely done it before. I had a phase in my life when I definitely did that. And I would say, now I'm happily in a place where I live for me first and for the camera second. And there are still things that are fun to document and that are beautiful to look at and that are exciting to see. They might not be as aesthetically pleasing. They might not be as perfect, but there are a true representation or a truer representation of my life.

And they don't get in the way of me living my life. Like I'm living my life for me first, not for the phone first, not for the camera first. And that makes life so much more enjoyable because it's so much more enjoyable to go out and have a picnic with foods that you really like, even if that's a fucking smuckers uncrustable, okay, not very aesthetic, but it's so much more enjoyable to go out and do that than to go out and buy foods that are overpriced that you didn't even really,

you don't even really like anyway, just for an Instagram photo. And that's the goddamn truth. That's all I have for today. Living for you. It's a lot easier said than done. And I struggle with this to this day. And I will probably struggle with this on and off for the rest of my life.

But I think just being aware of it and being mindful of it is a really, really impactful thing. So that's, that's all we have for today. Thank you so much for listening and hanging out. I really, as always, appreciate it so much. And I love the time that we spend together and I love the time that we just get to hang and talk. It is such a pleasure. And if you want to tune in to future episodes, new episodes every Thursday and Sunday, you can follow anything goes on Instagram

at anything goes or on Twitter at AG podcast. You can follow me at Emma Chamberlain on Instagram. You can check out my coffee company Chamberlain Coffee. I didn't really drink any of my coffee today. I don't know why, I just like, why did it is my third today, so I'm kind of, maybe I'm just kind of slowing down. But anyway, you can check out my coffee company, ChamberlainCopy.com, at ChamberlainCopy on Instagram. Delicious coffee, I mean, cute little accessories. Check it out if you like coffee or tea.

You can also use code AG15 for a little discount, special anything does, listen or not. Okay, whatever. And that's all I have to discuss today. Thank you again for hanging out. I love and appreciate all of you very, very much. And can't wait to talk in a few days. All right.

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