anything goes with emma chamberlain - breakup advice (part 1: feel the pain)

Episode Date: December 7, 2023

breakups are almost an inevitable part of life. but despite how fucking awful they are, they can also be really transformative in a positive way. i've gone through a handful of breakups throughout my life, and i've learned a lot. so i'm going to be doing multiple episodes of breakup advice. this is episode one, where i'm going to be talking about the period before the breakup, the breakup itself, and the week or two following the breakup. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Most of us have either experience to break up or currently going through a breakup or will at some point in the future experience a breakup breakups are almost inevitable part of life but I can't say that because there are a few people out there who never have to go through a break up they meet their first love and then they marry their first love and then they die with their first love. And it's just beautiful and everyone lives happily ever after except, you know, inevitably, there is death. Even with some, I bet they've died at the same time. Some people are just lucky, okay? They get to go through their life without romantic heartbreak. I don't know if I envy those people though, because I do think that breakups, despite how fucking awful they are,

they can be really transformative, often in a positive way, long term. They really teach you shit about yourself and they are incredible opportunities for growth. So today we're talking about breakups. Specifically, I'm going to be giving break-up advice. And as always, I'm not particularly qualified. Okay, I'm 22 years old. I've gone through a handful of breakups throughout my life, not a lot. Okay, and actually one of them was weird because neither of us really liked each

other, so neither of us were sad. And it didn't really feel like a breakup. It was like, oh, okay, thank God. This is over. Okay, wait, thank God. Okay, bye. And like, never shed a tear about it. That was bizarre and unusual. But I've gone through a handful of real ones as well. And let me tell you, I've learned a lot. And what I will say is, it does get easier. I remember when I was going through my first breakup, everybody was telling me, Emma, this is the worst one. And I think it's true. My first breakup was literally a catastrophe. It was a catastrophe.

I've never felt pain like that. Now, I'm fortunate that I had never felt pain like that. That's actually a blessing because, you know, there are things that rival the pain of a breakup. Many things. I was just fortunate to have never experienced something as painful as that. I am not kidding. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. That's not true. But like, that's not true now. But at the time, it was true. It was one of the most catastrophic experiences in my life thus far.

And that sounds dramatic, but it's true. Since then, I think it's gotten easier. And I think the reason why is because now I know that I can feel the same feeling twice. When you fall in love for the first time, you're like, okay, this is never going to happen again. I'm never going to feel this way towards someone again. And then when you're able to prove that wrong, and you find somebody else else and you find out, wait a minute, I can feel this again. Then it hurts less. But don't be mistaken. No breakups are fun. Okay. None of them are fun. I just think that the first

one is the worst. Okay. That's all I'm saying here. This episode is brought to you by Bumble. You know, it's really hot, kindness. And I'm not talking about the big stuff, like buying a super expensive gift. I'm talking about the little moments, like when they buy you flowers, just because, or check to make sure that you got home okay, or when they treat you to your favorite drink, because they saw that you were having a rough day and you don't even have to say anything. They just do it. That kind of thoughtfulness immediately makes them more attractive. Kindness is sexy. Find it on Bumble. This episode is brought to you by Airbnb.

Let me tell you my favorite Airbnb story. Okay, it's a few years ago and a big group of friends and I decide we want to go to Joshua Tree. Out in the desert of California, we just want to have a Viby weekend. So, we go on Airbnb and we find a beautiful home in the middle of Joshua Tree and we book it. What I loved so much about this trip was kind of being roommates with my friends for the weekend. And we all just got to play house. We cooked for ourselves.

We cleaned up after ourselves. And we just had a really good time. This house was phenomenal too. I mean, everybody got their own bedroom. Everybody had their own private space. We had a private pool, a private hot tub. This house was so aesthetically beautiful that we were all just happy to be sitting in there and looking at it because it was just gorgeous. It was super private so we could all just be ourselves and hang out in the backyard and have fun and

truly be by ourselves in the desert. I have a lot of great Airbnb memories. More to come. So, why did I Trevor Noah decide to do a podcast? I think this podcast gives me an opportunity to have the conversations that I've been having just with other people able to listen in on them. Come to this podcast because you want to think, come to this podcast because you want to have fun.

Come to this podcast because you want to be challenged. Listen to what now with Trevinoa every Thursday on Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm going to be doing multiple episodes of Break of Advice. This is episode one where I'm going to be doing multiple episodes of Breakup Advice. This is episode one where I'm going to be talking about the period before the breakup, the breakup itself, and then the week or two following the breakup. I'm going to be giving advice for that chunk of the timeline. So stay tuned for more Breakup Advice because it's coming. And before I get started into the advice, I have to say, this advice is for safe, harmless, romantic relationships. For advice on toxic and dangerous

relationships, contact professionals. Stop listening to this right now and contact a professional. All right. Let's talk about before the breakup happens because this is a crucial tense, before the breakup happens. Because this is a crucial, tense, weird, period of time that is often overlooked when discussing breakup advice. There is a lot of misery that comes with this time. So much ruminating, so much overthinking, I'd argue this is sort of when the breakup begins.

I think a lot of us start processing a breakup before it even happens. We feel that something's off. Maybe it's in ourselves, maybe it's in our partner, and we start to feel pain already, because we're like, this is disappearing. You start to feel it slipping between your fingers. You're like, this relationship is dying,

and it's not fully dead yet, but it's dying, and I can see it dying. And there's something brutal about that. When you're the person in the relationship who can tell that your partner wants to break up with you, it can be so easy to just keep the conversation within your own mind. Ask yourself, did I do something?

Am I overreacting? Did they just not think I'm pretty anymore? Should I change something about myself? Is there something I can do to revive this relationship? And you might start changing your behavior. You might even start changing what you look like, obsessing over how you can be perfect to try to get this person back into it. You might stay up all night trying to figure it out. But the only way to know for sure is to bring it up. And I know it's scary. When you're the person who still wants to be in the relationship

and you can feel the other person slipping away, it can be so scary to bring it up because you're like, fuck, if I bring it up, if I initiate the conversation, then they probably will break up with me. And I don't want them to break up with me. So I'm just going to try to fix it without bringing it up. I'll tell you what, that's not going to work. Stop speculating. Stop torturing yourself. Oh my god, I can't tell you how much I've tortured myself in this way. I've spent months of my life miserable, fucking miserable, just trying to figure out what was wrong, but being too afraid to just ask because

I was like, this will be the end of the relationship. If I ask, I'll bring it to the forefront of their mind. And then they'll be like, Oh, wait a minute. Yeah, I do want to break up with them. And then the breakup will happen, which is what ultimately you're trying to avoid if you're the one who wants to stay in it. I'll tell you this right now, you are harming yourself more by not bringing it up. You are better off breaking up and beginning your healing journey sooner than you are prolonging the situation by not asking what the fuck is up. So bring it up. Say, Hey, something's off with you. I can't put a finger on it. I don't know what's going on. Did I do something wrong? Are you unhappy? What's happening?

Bring it up. And I recommend, honestly, writing it down beforehand. Take notes on what you've been picking up on. Be very clear with them about what you've been experiencing. And at times, you might bring it up and they'll say, nothing's wrong. I just seem going through something else. And it'll open up a phenomenal conversation

about what your partner is going through in their life that they haven't yet told you. But I don't know, I think a lot of times we underestimate our instincts. We can feel when shit's off. And so if your partner comes back at you and says, no, nothing's wrong with relationship, it's like it's me, it's just me, it's just me.

Challenge that a little bit. Be like, are you sure though, because this does feel personal. And if they're like, no, it's not personal at all, then say, can you be a good partner to me while going through what you're going through? You know, is there a way that we can meet in the middle? Don't take their answer at face value. If they're like, no, it's not you, it's me.

You're like, okay, yeah, but I'm unhappy in this relationship, and I don't feel loved by you. So we need to figure some shit out. You're not treating me right. And you're going to either need to figure it out through working together with me. So we need to figure some shit out. You're not treating me right. And you're gonna either need to figure it out through working together with me, or we need to end this. Sometimes the person who doesn't wanna do the breaking up,

in fact, wants to be in the relationship, ends up having to do the breaking up, because they feel so strongly that the other person isn't into it anymore. It ends up flipping on its head. Now, let's say you are the one who wants to break up with your partner. Okay, let's flip the script here now. Depending on the situation, I think the first step is to try to pinpoint the issues that you're

experiencing in the relationship and try to figure out if they're fixable. Because a lot of times, things can be worked through. And I think a lot of us, especially young people, expect relationships to be perfect. Like the second the honeymoon phase is over, everyone's freaking out. They're like, wait a minute, the spark is gone. We don't love each other anymore. There's no more excitement.

Sometimes we have bad days. This is not the romantic story that I've always dreamt of. That's just kind of how relationships go. So it's important to ask yourself, why do you want to break up with them? Do you want to break up with them? For some serious, serious reasons that are going to be really challenging to fix? Or is this just a normal part of being in a relationship? And maybe it's worth working through? Or are you just not in a place to be in a relationship period? That's also an example of an unfixable sort

of scenario. I think it's important to figure out why you want to break up with them. Really, really, really figure that out. Next, I think it's important to heavily consider what you're losing. When you're in a relationship, it can be so easy to take the thing that you've built for granted. You have to ask yourself, would you rather make it work with them or possibly lose them forever? Because a misconception that people have is that, oh, I could just get them back. You can never rely on that. You don't know, it takes two to tango. When you break up with somebody, you're setting them free.

And if you break up with somebody with the expectation that you could go back to them whenever you want, you're kind of lying to yourself. And on top of that, that's being insensitive with the other person's emotions. If you ultimately want to get back together with them at some point, and that's sort of in the back of your head, like, oh, I could always fall back on this person. That's just unfair to them. You have to really, really, really put yourself in your own shoes if you were to lose them forever.

Like close your eyes and think about what it would feel like to never speak to them again. Is that something that you can handle? If it's not, then maybe you should work harder to fix what you have, because you don't get to have your cake and eat it too in this life, okay? I've learned this the hard way.

Anytime in life I've tried to have my cake and eat it too, I have been rudely reminded that it just doesn't work that way. It will always bite you in the ass. If you start to treat your partner badly as a result of pondering a break up with them, and it's just ruining your life to a point where you start to build resentment, you have lost your privileges to ponder any longer, and now you have to communicate. If you start treating them like shit, nope, Now you have to put it all out on the table because it's selfish otherwise. To be honest, they already probably feel like coming.

This episode is brought to you by Airbnb. Let me tell you my favorite Airbnb story. Okay, it's a few years ago and a big group of friends and I decide we want to go to Joshua Tree. and I decide we want to go to Joshua Tree. Out in the desert of California, we just want to have a vibey weekend, okay? So we go on Airbnb and we find a beautiful home in the middle of Joshua Tree and we book it. What I loved so much about this trip was kind of being roommates with my friends for the weekend.

And we all just got to play house. We cooked for ourselves, we cleaned up after ourselves, and we just had a really good time. This house was phenomenal too. I mean, everybody got their own bedroom. Everybody had their own private space. We had a private pool, a private hot tub. This house was so aesthetically beautiful

that we were all just happy to be sitting in there and looking at it, because it was just gorgeous. It was super private, so we could all just be ourselves and hang out in the backyard and have fun and truly be by ourselves in the desert. I have a lot of great Airbnb memories more to come When it comes to planning the breakup. I know it might sound ridiculous because it's like planning a fucking meeting or something or like

Scheduling when you're gonna do your homework. I like it. It sounds insane to say you know It's time to schedule the breakup, but no, I actually do think that this is crucial. We all have busy lives. We have work. We have school. We have commitments. And I truly recommend finding the right time to do it. You don't want to do it on a random Monday night when you have the whole work week ahead of you.

Terrible idea. Because spoiler alert, you're going to be going through it. And you want to have some space to go through it. So I recommend a Thursday a Friday a Saturday I think those are the best days to do it now sometimes break up happens and it comes out of nowhere You know it explodes out of a conversation on accident You can't always control when you do your breakup But if you're the person doing the breaking up and you have some control over when the conversation is going to happen

Save it for a Thursday Friday Saturday, you know well that's I guess if you have some control over when the conversation is going to happen. Save it for a Thursday, Friday, Saturday, you know. Well, that's, I guess, if you have a traditional work week. All right. Now let's talk about the breakup conversation. Ugh. The conversation itself is one of the worst conversations. I know, I guess it's not one of the worst. There are worse conversations,

far worse conversations that you can have in life, but wow, breakup conversations can be fucking brutal. And sometimes there are more than one of them, okay? There aren't always going to be just one singular breakup conversation. Sometimes you'll have two. Sometimes you'll have five. Sometimes that's what it takes in order to agree upon a decision. But whether you have one breakup conversation or you have six, this advice applies to all types of breakup conversations. Okay. Advice for both partners.

Okay, because this hurts for both people. And I know this because I've been on both sides of it. I've broken up with somebody and I've been broken up with. And I will tell you, it's easy to assume that being the person being broken up with Hertz worse, but in a weird way they can both hurt equally and I was shocked by that I don't know my first breakup I was broken up with so that's sort of how I started it out and I was like oh my god You know, I wish I was the one doing the breaking up. It just seems so much easier But I have now had experiences

that have changed my perspective. Okay, it hurts for both people. I do think that it usually hurts worse to be broken up with because you feel so out of control. But I think that there are a lot of times when both parties are almost hurting equally. You should never assume that the person doing the breaking up is hurting less. It's not necessarily true. So during the breakup conversation,

both partners should allow themselves to be emotional. Let the sadness come out. Let the heart break come out. The worst thing you can do is swallow everything. And I think it's bad for two reasons. Number one, because that's uncomfortable for you. Like, if your body wants to cry, it feels better to actually let yourself cry. At first you might be embarrassed, but I'll tell you why you shouldn't be embarrassed. Showing emotion to your partner during a really heartbreaking moment shows them that this means something to you. And breakups are not fun for either party.

So it's really important to show each other that you're sad about this. This is fucking sad. You know, even if you screwed each other over, even if you weren't great to each other all the time, you still loved each other. And I think it's important for both parties to show their true emotions. It does signal to the other person how much the relationship meant. I don't know, that makes things feel better weirdly. Let's say you're the one being broken up with.

My first piece of advice is to try to tame your ego. Okay, it can be so easy to react to the rejection that you're feeling. Like, I don't know, you can get angry, right? Because your ego is being challenged. You're being rejected. It feels terrible. You know, your self-esteem is being shot. Some of us react to that by getting angry.

And I think the reason why it's good to avoid getting angry. Number one, that doesn't foster a positive conversation in any way, shape or form. Number two, it's not the mature higher road to take. You know, raising your voice and getting angry can cause the other person to lose respect for you. You're allowed to be upset. You're allowed to be confused. You're allowed to be frustrated. But try allowed to be confused, you're allowed to be frustrated,

but try to keep your tone as mature as possible. It's hard when you're being broken up with. You go into defense mode, you're like, well, what's wrong with me? There's shh, everything's fucking wrong with you, fuck you, you know, it's so easy to want to go there. But I think it's so much better not to. You don't want to look back and regret the way that you handled the situation and say, I could have been a little bit more level headed. I could have handled that in a more mature way. It takes a lot of self control and a lot of restraint, not to let your ego

talk, but it's worth the effort. Next, I think it's important to really try to understand where they're coming from. Sometimes people who aren't super keen on communicating will just say that they want to break up and not explain why. I'll tell you, that will torture you later. Try to get to the bottom of it. Figure out what went wrong. Ask them questions, interrogate them. And you have the right to do so because you just spent an extended amount of time with

them and they're now walking away from you, you do deserve to know why. Hopefully, they've figured out why and they can tell you. Sometimes, they're not gonna know why and that's the fucking worst or they're lying. They do know why, but they're pretending like they don't know why, they're playing dumb. That is the worst, but I'd say to the best of your ability,

get it out of them. This is important because it prevents reaching out down the line for answers. You want to feel as resolved by the end of the conversation as possible. You want to feel like you understand why this happened. You want to be able to take away things that you can work on in your own life to prevent that from happening again down the line, hopefully, unless it had nothing to do with you. But even then, there's probably something you can work on.

It gives you closure to an extent. To an extent, okay, to an extent. Next, if you still want to be with them, gently propose ideas to solve the issues that you're experiencing in the relationship. I don't think there's anything wrong with sort of fighting back a little bit. Now, keyword, gently fighting back. Ultimately you have to respect your partner's decision. If they're not interested in fixing things, don't push it too far.

But I do think that there's value in proposing some ideas. This is how we could fix this. If I would have known that you felt this way sooner, I would have done this this and that. It's totally healthy and good to try to provide solutions. And sometimes providing solutions might open up your partner's mind to continuing to try, but that will not always be the case. And when it's not the case, you have to accept it.

Now, if you're breaking up with your partner, my first piece of advice is to be gentle with your delivery. Okay? You're in the power position. You have to be thoughtful of that. You're about to destroy somebody's self-esteem temporarily. You know what I mean? You're in the power position. You have to be thoughtful of that. You're about to destroy somebody's self-esteem temporarily, you know what I mean? You're rejecting them. It's a blow to the ego. It's a blow to the self-esteem majority of people get rejected in some way and take it personal and sometimes it is a little bit personal

That's just life. That's how life works, right? But when you're the one doing the breaking up, I think it's best to be gentle. And as thoughtful of the other person as possible, put yourself in their shoes. You also have to try your best to explain thoroughly why you want to break up. Because in my opinion, that's the right thing to do. And be honest. Don't sugarcoat it unless it's something really mean. I think it's important to be as honest as possible. I even think you should be honest if you have feelings for somebody else. Be gentle, be kind, be loving about it, but I think you have to be honest. If you're not honest, then you can mislead the other person. Let's say you have feelings for somebody else and you say, I don't know, I just, I don't think I can be in a relationship right now. And then they're like, okay, but why? And you're like, well, I don't really

know. That person is going to leave that conversation feeling like, okay, but why? And you're like, well, I don't really know. That person is gonna leave that conversation feeling like, oh, well, they'll probably be ready to be in a relationship again at some point. And I'll be here waiting for when they're ready. You have to be clear about why you're leaving the relationships so that you can manage the expectations of the other person.

Now, obviously, in an ideal world, the other person doesn't have any expectations and they just set you free. But I think it's the most fair thing to do to be brutally honest, but kind and gentle, keeping in mind that they're in a vulnerable position and you're sort of in this power position. I also think it's important to be open-minded. You should consider your partner's reason for wanting to say together if that's something that they propose.

Even if you think that you've made up your mind fully, you should still hear them out because they might be onto something. If you failed to communicate your challenges in the relationship prior to going into the breakup conversation, there's a chance that things can actually be resolved and go back to being great again at some point. If your partner has a plan on how that could work out, you should really consider it, but you should also be honest with yourself. Realistically, is there a solution? If the answer is no, stand firm in your position. Your partner might be convincing in their way of saying, well, we could fix it. If we do this and we do that and we do this, but if you know in your gut that it's over and you heard them out and you pondered it and you still

think it's over, stand firm in that. You will only prolong the pain for the both of you if you don't stand firm in your position. Because guess what, if you know in your gut that it's over but you're like, ah, my partner was so convincing, I guess I'll try again. You're gonna try again, it's not gonna work and then you're gonna end up in another five hour

conversation where you're like, are we breaking up or no? You know, you're just, you're gonna end up there again five hour conversation where you're like, are we breaking up or no? You're gonna end up there again. It's so important to stand firm and it's so fucking hard, but you have to. I'm like reliving every breakup conversation I've ever had simultaneously in my head right now. It's not fucking fun. It is not fun.

It is a catastrophe. It's a catastrophe and it's so sad. Like even if your partner sucked ass, it still is sad. I'm not kidding, it's still fucking sad. Let's talk about the day of the breakup. You go your separate ways. This is assuming you don't live together. If you live together, that's tough.

That adds a whole other layer of complications. I have not ever lived with a partner, so I can't really speak to that. But let's talk about what to do on the day of the breakup. I think the same advice applies to both partners, because again, I've been on both sides of it, and I'll tell you, I needed the same things during both types of breakups. Number one, let the emotion out, let it all out. Most of us will cry and just feel the knife in our heart.

My advice is to just sit with that. It can be tempting to run away from that feeling. You know, immediately distract ourselves, immediately shove it down, down, down, down, deep, bottle it up, bottle it up. Uh-uh, I'm sorry, no. I don't think that that works. I think you need to lay in your bed and you need to fucking cry. And think about every good memory you had together and remember the last hug that you gave each other. Remember everything, feel everything,

sit in everything, marinate in everything. Just let yourself do that. Don't run away from it. I swear to God, I've taught myself how to do this now with breakups. I used to fight the sadness, but I used to try to stop thinking about the person

that only prolongs it, okay? It's so interesting. My last breakup experience, I really just let myself feel everything. I laid in my bed for probably six hours and thought about every beautiful memory and I just cried and cried and cried six hours of crying. I really thought I was never gonna feel better.

And it lasted for so long, six hours. That's a long time. I was like, it's never gonna go away. Guess what, it did. I let it all out. And then all of a sudden I was like, you know what? I feel better. And I don't know why. All of a sudden I was like, you know what? I feel better. And I don't know why.

All of a sudden I just felt better. That really helped in the following days. I also think it's important to find somebody to talk to. I've never gone through a break up alone. I remember my very first break up. Oh my God, this was so sweet. My friends took me to a hotel because my first boyfriend broke up with me in my apartment

and I could not be there. I was so devastated that my friends found this random corporate hotel. It was the sort of hotel that businessmen go to. It's so sterile. It's not a fun hotel. But it was exactly what I needed. Just a new setting for myself. And my friends and I just had a little sleep over there

and I was bawling the whole night. Oh my God, oh my God, I was bawling the whole night but I was with my friends and they made me feel so much better. They were telling me they're like, this is gonna pass. You're gonna get through this. They were there to rub my back, they were there to hear me out because ultimately what I wanted was to talk through it, right, and they were there for me in breakups following

I called my parents. I called my friends. I didn't force myself to do it alone because it can be really easy when alone to Spiral okay, you can lose perspective really quickly when you're locked in your own mind It can be so helpful to talk to somebody who can see things from a bird's eye view objectively. I think it's particularly helpful to talk to people who have been through a handful of breakups in their life as well because they're going to be the ones that are going to prove to you that things will get better. Okay, next piece of advice. Don't you dare reach out.

No. It's going to be so tempting. You're going to want to be like, hey, how are you feeling nope? No You're not doing that. Sorry. You're not doing that. It's too soon. You're still too raw Invonable. They're still too raw and vulnerable. No, no matter how bad it gets don't talk to them call someone else Call one of your family members. Call a friend. Call anyone, but call your therapist. Call anyone but them. Do not call them. Do not text them.

It's not time yet. It's too soon. No. Okay. No. Now, if you have the energy, you might not. Okay, you might end up spending the whole day in bed crying and that's fine too. You don't even have to brush your teeth, okay. I would argue on the night of a breakup, you don't have to brush your teeth, just go to sleep, okay. It's the one night where you get to eat sweet treats and not brush your teeth after, even though that's so bad for your teeth. But I would say on the night of a breakup, it's fine.

Anyway, if you have the energy, I do think it is so great to find some sort of distraction. For example, my first breakup, I obviously went to that hotel with my friends and we watched TV, we watched movies, and I cried the whole time and just was talking over the TV and movies and was talking about the breakup, but that was helpful. In my other breakups, I've had a bit more strength.

Call me crazy. One time I was even able to go out to dinner the same day with my friends. And I'll tell you that helped me so much. It helped me so much getting kind of dressed up and going out to dinner. I don't know, it sort of forces you to get back into the real world, get back on your feet. And when you're going through a breakup, sometimes even sitting through a movie is a task. Because it's like, oh my God,

I'm supposed to focus on this movie and not think about my breakup. Listen, don't set any sort of expectations for yourself. Be patient with yourself, but I think it can help to just try to distract yourself. Even the act of trying can sometimes help get you back on your feet. And also if you have the energy, pamper yourself.

Or do your favorite food for dinner on a food delivery app. Do your skincare routine. Do a hair mask. Book a massage. If you have the energy to pamper yourself, this is the time to do it. Truly. Now let's discuss the first week or two after the break up. Okay, you're getting back on your feet, but fuck, it's hard. You kind of have to get back to work, whether you're at school or you have a job or you're a parent, it doesn't matter who you are, what you do. We all have shit we have to do. We have commitments, responsibilities. Majority of us can't just lay in bed for two weeks. We have to get back on our feet a little bit. I'd say for both partners,

it's so important to continue to let the emotions come as they do. It can sort of be frustrating in the following few weeks to understand where you're at emotionally. Like, you might have one really good day and be like, oh, fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. I'm actually getting over this shit. And then the next day, you're a fucking mess again. The following weeks can look very different for everyone. It all comes in waves. There are ups and downs. Some days are sort of bad, some days are really, really bad, some days are fine. Then you have four days where you're really, really, really, really, really bad.

Then you have one day where you're like, wait, I'm actually really good. And it's just a mess. It's a fucking mess. Just go with the flow. Don't fight the emotions as they come. It can be tempting to be like, wait, yesterday I was doing pretty good. And now today I'm doing worse.

Why am I going backwards? You're not going backwards. Every day that you wake up, you're going forwards. The best way to get from a bad place to a good place is to ride it out. Don't shove it down and hide it and suppress it. If you need to go to the bathroom at work to cry for 30 minutes, do it.

If you're feeling really good one day, celebrate that, but don't expect that tomorrow's gonna be the same. Be patient with yourself, because sometimes like the first two weeks after a breakup, you're actually shockingly good, and then the pain comes later. I've experienced that, where it's like in the beginning, you're like, wait a minute.

I'm actually kind of relieved, you know, like I'm back to focusing on me. This is actually really good. And then the pain comes later. So it just depends. But I think most people are hurting in those first two weeks. There's a good chance that you're in the worst of it. I also think it can be really helpful to sort of remove all signs of them from your life. Mute them on Instagram, take the pictures of you and them off your walls, take the gifts that they gave you over the years and put them in a box and put them in the garage.

Any sign of them should be hidden. Because listen, you're already going to be thinking about them enough. That's inevitable. If you can hide all signs of them, it'll prevent an unnecessary thought of them. This has been really helpful for me. And it also sort of like a closure

ritual. It's like, okay, we're putting these things away. Now they could always come out of retirement again if we decide to rekindle, but we might not. And I need to almost pretend as though we will not. There might even be a day down the line where, you know, maybe you don't even speak anymore, but you could bring out a gift that they gave you again. And you can enjoy that gift from them again without it being a negative memory. You'll hit a point where that's doable for you. But I would say in those first two weeks, it's like get everything out of sight, out of sight, okay?

I also think it's helpful to keep yourself on track for those first few weeks by making to-do lists. It can be really easy to sort of fall into a depressive state and sometimes you can't prevent that, right? If you're laying in bed all day and you're starting to feel depressed, I'm talking about dark, darkness. That's when you should call a therapist, should call a professional and be like, this is really bad, it's getting really serious. I can't actually get out of bed. I need help.

We've all been there. Actually, we haven't all been there. I've been there. But I know even with me, as somebody who has struggled with depression for years, I've fallen into a depressive state during a breakup and sort of allowed myself to stay in it when I actually did have the strength to get out of bed and get my shit together.

There are times when you can't and there are times when you can't. What has helped me in the past is making to-do lists. During a breakup, you don't want to fall into a slump where you're in bed and then that ends up making you feel worse about yourself because you're like, I'm not getting anything down, I'm not doing anything. Try to keep yourself on track to the best of your ability. Make it to-do list with the bare minimum. At least getting done the bare minimum will make you feel accomplished and good

so that you don't start spiraling out of control in a way. If you're feeling like, okay, you know what, I have it in me actually to do a bit more. And in fact, I think it'll make me feel better to do a bit more. Pack your schedule filled with stuff. Get all the bare minimum on there. But then add other stuff. Be like, okay, I actually want to try this recipe. And you know, I want to get my nails done. And you know, I want to get my nails done. And, you know, I want to volunteer at this place. I want to see this front I haven't seen in a while. Just start packing your schedule filled with stuff. Make it to do list.

I also think during this first two weeks, it's so crucial to focus back in on yourself. When you're in a relationship, you're sort of splitting your attention between you and this other person. Now, they're out of your life. So, instead of continuing to put that attention on that other person, figure out what you can do

with that extra energy that you now have to work on yourself and start thinking about ways that you can improve your life. You know, start manifesting what you want your life to look like. Next, plan some fun activities. Okay, plan some fun shit. Plan to go out to a party with your friends.

Plan a little painting night with your friends. Get some things on the calendar that you can look forward to, because it can feel sort of like you're in this cloud of impending doom when you go through a break up. It'll give you a little glimmer of light in a way. When you look at your calendar and you're like, oh, but on Friday, we're gonna go out

and we're gonna go get drinks at this bar and then this Friday, all my friends are coming over and we're gonna paint paintings and drink wine, like whatever it might be. Plans of activities. Okay, and last but not least, don't fucking reach out. Don't you dare reach out still too soon. You can't, you're still too vulnerable, you're still too raw.

It's not a good idea. If you start talking again, you're both so emotional and so sad and so down bad that you might actually get back together and that would be a catastrophe. Stand strong into your choice. If you were the one who broke up with the other person and respect your partner's decision

if you were the person who is broken up with. There will be a time when you can reach out, but within the first two weeks, it's not the time. You're wrapped up in nostalgia, in sadness, in heartbreak. It's dangerous emotionally, you know what I mean? Because you might rope each other back in when that's actually not what's best for both of you ultimately, even though it feels terrible to not be together. All you want is to be together, mm-hmm, stop.

No, don't talk. No talking. And that's all I got. All right, that's part one of breakup advice from before the breakup even happens to two weeks after the breakup. Okay, that's the first chunk of the timeline. In the next episode, we're going to, you know, go a little further into the future of the breakup, because believe me, it extends way further than two weeks after the breakup. My God, sometimes breakups can

impact you for years. So we'll get into that in the following episode. So stay tuned for more break up advice, because it's coming. If you're going through a breakup right now, I'm so sorry. It fucking sucks. But let me tell you, you will come out the other side, a stronger, smarter, wiser person who will find love again. If you've never been through a breakup, good luck, because you will at some point probably, and I'm sending you love in advance. And if you've been through a few breakups in the past, this is all old news. But maybe there's something helpful in it anyway.

If you enjoyed this episode, new episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday and Sunday, you can stream anywhere the East Stream podcasts, but video is exclusive on Spotify. You can follow anything goes on Instagram and anything goes. You can follow me on Instagram and Emma Chamberlain. You can check out my coffee company, Chamberlain Coffee.

We have coffee, we have tea, we have accessories. We have almond coconut milk, lattes in a can. We have oat milk, lattes in a can. If you wanna see if they're in a store near you, check out our store locator on ChamberlainCoffee.com or just shop on ChamberlainCoffee.com. And that's all I have for today. I hope that this was helpful to somebody.

And if it wasn't helpful, I hope it was at least entertaining. I have for today. I hope that this was helpful to somebody. And if it wasn't helpful, I hope it was at least entertaining. I don't know. I love and appreciate you all. And I hope that you're having a great day. And if you're not, I know you'll have a good day at some point. Okay, I'll talk to you later. Love you.