anything goes with emma chamberlain - building a healthy social life [video]

Episode Date: August 20, 2023

[video available on spotify] for the last few months, i've been on a journey. now that's not saying much because i'm always on some sort of journey. my particular journey as of recent has been rebuilding my social life. i didn't have a social life for a really long time because i didn't want one. for the past few years, all i've talked about is the importance of independence. but arriving to this point of independence, weirdly made me crave friendship. all of a sudden, after years of not really prioritizing friendship, my subconscious knew when i had arrived at a good place, that it was time to make friends again. it was like my subconscious told me, okay, it's time. it's time for you to go back out into the world and you need to put effort into your social life again.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

For the last few months, I've sort of been on a journey. Now, that's not saying much because I'm always on some sort of journey I'm just a type of person that's always on some sort of emotional journey sometimes it's painful sometimes it's excruciating sometimes it's debilitating and sometimes it's really fun. And I'll say for the most part, my emotional journeys are really uncomfortable. And part of me wonders if it's subconsciously self-inflicted so that I have things to talk about on this podcast.

Like, do I force myself on emotional journeys to have more to talk about on this podcast. Like, do I force myself on emotional journeys to have more to talk about? I don't think so. I don't think so. I think it's just the type of person I am. I'm always on some sort of emotional journey. The particular emotional journey I've been on recently has been really fun.

What a blessing to go on a fun emotional journey. Wow, what a treat. My particular journey, as of recent, has been rebuilding my social life. Now that sounds kind of sad because it insinuates that I didn't have a social life before, but hold on, before you feel bad for me, which you shouldn't. Okay, now this feels weird. But listen, before you sort of make a face at home, like, oh, that's kind of unfortunate. She's rebuilding her social life, what happened to it before? Before you start feeling bad for me and judging me, this is a self-inflicted situation. Okay. I

didn't have a social life for a really long time because I didn't want one. And if you're a consistent listener to anything goes, you know this about me. For the past few years, all I've talked about is the importance of independence. And the reason why that's been a consistent topic is because that was the emotional journey I was on for the past few years. For the last few years, I had been focused on independence because that is what I was craving. That is what I knew I needed in order to make my life better. When I was a young teenager, I was very dependent in my relationships. I had a lot of co-dependent relationships and I really relied on my friends and significant others

relied on my friends and significant others in a way that was out of balance. I relied on them too much to distract me from my problems, to give me foundation in my life, et cetera. And it caused me a lot of distress over time. Because number one, I'd find myself in relationships that were not healthy, and I was just staying in them so that I wouldn't have to be alone. I also was so afraid of damaging any relationships that I was constantly saying yes to everything. I was a yes man. I was too afraid of conflict because I was too afraid of losing relationships. too afraid of conflict because I was too afraid of losing relationships. So I was sort of inconveniencing myself for the sake of relationships. And that got in the way of many things in my life.

So I got to a point where I was like, okay, I need to step back and develop a sense of independence. And re-evaluate all of my current relationships because it was clear to me that things weren't working, right, on any level in my social life. I had to get to a place where I was comfortable enough being alone that I didn't ever feel the need to be in a relationship that wasn't healthy or positive. I needed to get to a place with myself that would allow me to have high quality friendships. And that took a lot of a long time. There was a lot that I had to figure out.

Why am I so codependent in relationships. Why do I tend to attract people who are not the best friends for me personally? Why do I feel like I need to be a yes man? Why am I struggling with my independence, et cetera, et cetera? There was so much I had to figure out. And quite honestly, it took me a few years to figure it all out. Now, during my independence journey, I still did have friends, I did, but I didn't have any deep friendships. Majority of my friendships were very service level.

And I still went out every once in a while, maybe to a party, but it was not frequent at all. It was not frequent at all. And romantically, I was in a relationship. I am in a relationship, but with a very independent person who did not enable me and does not enable me to be co-dependent. It's out of the question. It's not even possible with this person.

So, I kind of had a good situation during that period of my life because I was in a romantic relationship that could not be less codependent and couldn't possibly be codependent. So, there was no enabling there. So, I was able to be in a romantic relationship while going through this period.

But my friendships were a very surface level at the time because I didn't have it in me to work on myself while simultaneously trying to find new friendships that worked for me. I sort of had to work on myself first before I could go and rebuild old friendships and build new ones, right? But I am at a point now where I'm independent. I'm definitely independent

and I've been independent for a while now, but it's sort of ingrained into my being now at this point. You know, I can be alone for a week, two weeks, and be completely fine. I don't need to be in constant contact with friends or even my significant other in order to feel fulfilled in life. That's not where my fulfillment comes from. And that's just where I'm at now. I've arrived at this point. But what was interesting was I found that arriving to this point of independence, weirdly made me crave friendship all of a sudden.

After years of not really needing friendship, not really prioritizing friendship, really focusing on myself. My subconscious knew immediately when I had arrived at a good place that it was time to make friends again. Like it was like my subconscious told me, okay, it's time.

It's time for you to go back out into the world. You've done it, you've figured it out, and now you need to go back out in the world and you need to put effort into your social life again, because it's just time. I got to a point where being alone, as much as I was, was not recharging me anymore. It was not helping me grow anymore. It was just making me sad. And that wasn't necessarily the case before.

You know, there would be nights here and there where I'd be like, dang, it kind of would be fun if I had like a big group of friends and we could go out tonight. But it wasn't frequent enough to be an issue. But for the most part, I really just didn't want a bustling social life. It just wasn't something that was interested in. Now all of a sudden, it's come back onto my list of priorities. And it has been really fun for me and good. And I feel like now at this new place in my life, I'm able to rebuild my social life in a way that truly feels good for me and feels somewhat fulfilling

for me. And it's been really interesting and exciting to watch it sort of rebuild. Now, I'm also at an interesting place in my life because I'm 22 years old, right? in my life because I'm 22 years old, right? But I never went to college. Now, not going to college definitely impacted my social life in my later teen years in my early 20s because a lot of the social infrastructure that would have been there, for me, if I had went, was not there because I skipped that step and went straight to being an adult living alone in Los Angeles with no social infrastructure. Well, there is a social infrastructure, but it's much more complicated. When you're in college, you sort of have this built-in social infrastructure. You know, you have kids that you see in

your class, you have parties that are on campus or in the dorms or in the, I don't know, I didn't go. I don't know what happens at college, but there's frat parties. There's, you know, college towns where everyone hangs out. There's so many opportunities for friendship and nightlife and all of these things. And I just didn't have access to that. Like it went straight to adult mode for me at 17. it went straight to adult mode for me at 17. And a lot of the social activities in Los Angeles weren't laid out for me. You know, like I didn't know anyone throwing fun parties and that was kind of my only opportunity for nightlife.

You know, you have to be 21 to go into a bar or club legally. So that whole situation's complicated and not appealing Because it involves breaking the law to get in so not my idea of fun and When it came to making friends It's just much more difficult because I Worked from home alone every day. I didn't even know where to meet people other than my peers that were in the same industry as me, right? So not going to college definitely made my later teen early adult social life complicated

to begin with. I think that my sort of situation in life, my circumstances in life, have made being social for me a little bit more challenging in the sense that it's not right in front of me, like when you're in college. You have to take extra steps in order to be social in the sort of adult world, if you will. And that makes it harder in general, right? It makes it more time consuming. It makes it more troublesome overall.

When I was a teenager living in LA, that was really disappointing for me. And I think that's maybe what created the codependency in a lot of my friendships and relationships. Because I feared that I maybe wouldn't be able to find anyone else because it was so challenging in LA. But then when I was going through my phase of independence, it was really easy because not being in college

made it easy to sort of step back from my social life because it's not like I have to see my friends every day in class or walk past parties every night on the way back to my dorm. You know, it was easy to sort of step back and take my time for myself with no distractions. But all of that to say, I've sort of been building up my social life from scratch because I never really had a super bustling social life anyway. I never really had a huge group of friends. I never really had endless invites to parties

prior to my period of alone time. I was not really very social either. I was, you know, I was more than I was during my alone time, but it was like not. It wasn't bustling, you know what I mean? It wasn't super fulfilling and exciting. It was almost sort of desperate in a way. Like my social choices were more desperate for social interaction. They weren't based on compatibility with others, shared interests with others, genuine,

healthy connection. So now we're rebuilding. The way that I approach friendship now is so different than ever before. And I think it's because I don't feel like I need anyone. I don't feel like I need anyone. But I want to be around people. I want to have friends. But I don't need friends.

And I know that. So it allows me to choose who I hang out with based on Genuine intentions in genuine connection. I hang out with people now. I build friendships with people now who are fun to be around who care about me who Create healthy boundaries in unison with me, who are just genuinely good people, because I have the mental space at this point to sort of pick and choose who's a good match for me.

And I don't feel the pressure to build a friendship with somebody who I deep down know maybe isn't great for me because I have nothing to lose now because I'm not afraid of being alone. And it's such a relief to approach friendships in this way because instead of being fearful, then I'll get caught up in a friendship that ends up being shitty for me and ends up making me feel trapped. I feel like I have full control over my friendships now. I'm not afraid to say no.

I'm not afraid to back away from something that's not working. And so I'm not afraid of getting caught up in a bad friendship or a bad relationship. Whereas before, I used to be such a yes man out of fear of creating some sort of conflict and out of fear of being alone. So I'd end up getting stuck in these friendships that I really didn't want to be in. But I kind of felt like I had to be in because I was too afraid of being alone. And this sort of explains what drove me

to needing that phase of independence to begin with. I think I was so exhausted by all the shitty relationships that I had. I got to a point where I was like, I can't keep building these shitty friendships just because I don't know how to reject someone. I don't know how to put my foot down and back away, you know? And so I got to a point where I was like, I need to figure out how to be alone

so that I have the strength to not participate in relationships that aren't working for me due to desperate measures. Desperate measures to not be alone and desperate measures to people please and not cause any conflict. And it's just so funny because now I have all of this mental energy to dedicate to positive relationships because I'm not wasting all my energy, entertaining relationships that weren't working for me. And now I have all this energy to build up the relationships that are working and to look

around for new ones, you know, and it's so exciting. I've also sort of figured out what my boundaries need to be in relationships, you know, I still need a lot of alone time. I still need to get my work done. I still need to prioritize my schedule. And those were all things that I would neglect in relationships. My own life structure. I would neglect that. And the friendship was number one priority. And now I'm at a place where I feel comfortable setting boundaries that allow me to get the best of both worlds. You know, I get my that allow me to get the best of both worlds. You know, I get my time alone, I get my time to work and get stuff done. And then I dedicate the weekends, really,

to being social, hanging out with friends, going out to parties, going out to bars, doing all that. You know, I save that for the weekends. And I work all weekend, then I go and I have my weekend. Instead of, you know, saying yes to every I save that for the weekends and I work all week and then I go and I have my weekend. Instead of, you know, saying yes to every invite I get from friends, you know, I'm at a place now where I'm like, listen, on the weekends, let's do it all. Let's do it all.

Let's go to lunch, let's go shopping, let's go to the club. I don't care. That's how I sort of structure my week and my schedule in a way that allows me to get everything done that I need to get done, but also have time for my social life. And my friends totally get that, don't care, understand it, they're like, great, us too. Okay, great. You know what I mean? The people that I'm surrounding myself with now, without even thinking twice, just respect that boundary. You know, I need my space. You know, like that's what my boundaries look like. Looks different for everyone. And I'm comfortable setting those. I have no fear in setting those because I'm not afraid of my friends saying

You don't want to hang out with me every day. Fuck you. Then we're never talking again I'm not afraid of that because if that happens then that's not a good friend And I don't want them in my life anyway, but now I'm not afraid of that now. Let's really zoom in to the nightlife sort of portion of all of this because there are so many social categories, right? You have your romantic relationships, you have your friends that you do activities with, you have your friends that you go out at night with, you have your friends at work, etc., etc.

There are so many categories, but we need to specifically talk about nightlife with friends because this is something that I've never really participated in too heavily. It's never been like a weekend thing. Like, okay, on the weekends, we go out until now. And now it is a thing, and I'm loving it. Sorry, I'm loving it. Sorry. I am loving it Prior to now there were a lot of things holding me back from really

enjoying nightlife number one I was I turned 21 last year and that's the legal drinking age in the United States, right? So a lot of the sort of environments, like bars, clubs, et cetera, weren't for me. I also hated every party I went to because I wasn't hanging out with the right people,

I wasn't going to the right parties. So naturally, I was like the sucks because it wasn't people that, you know, maybe I clicked with very well. I also didn't always have friends to go with. I didn't always have people to go with to these sort of events. I also sort of felt like going out at night was like a waste of time. I was like, this is such a waste of time.

So much better to just go to bed early Wake up feel refreshed Like I always just thought it was a waste of time. I never really got anything out of it until recently I've figured out that night life is really what you make of it and you have to cater the experience to you as an individual. And that is what I've been doing as I've been rebuilding my social life. I've been rethinking the way I do night life. And it's changed it for me.

Now I'm loving it. First, you have to find friends that make it fun. Having friends that make it fun. Having friends that make anything fun, make anything fun, you know, like with my friends, I feel like we could go to an abandoned shopping mall in the middle of nowhere and somehow make it fun, you know., actually that kind of sounds fun anyway, that actually sounds fun. It sounds dangerous, but it does sound kind of fun. But you get my point, okay? Finding a friend group that is able to have fun, no matter where you all are, is the first

step to truly enjoying night life. If you're not somebody who enjoys it naturally, like me, because no matter how the evening turns out, you're gonna have a good time. Even if the bar is empty that night, even if the club is not a vibe that night, even if the party that you go to is shitty, if you're with a good group of people, you can't go wrong.

And that's the first thing I've learned. The second thing I've learned is, you can't go in with any expectation. I used to go in to parties, clubs, bars at night with so much expectation. Like, when I was single years and years ago, anytime I'd go out at night, I'd be like, tonight, I'm meeting my next boyfriend.

And when I wouldn't find that, I would be like, tonight, I'm meeting my next boyfriend. And when I wouldn't find that, I would be like, well, that was a failure and I'd be bummed out and pissed. Or I'd go out expecting the party to be like Project X, the movie, okay, where it's like everyone's dancing and laughing and smiling and it's packed and there's so many people and it's so fun. The truth is, you're not gonna,

that just parties aren't really that fun for the most part. They're just not. I still stand by that belief, but what's changed for me is that I don't expect it to be fun. It's just something to do with your friends that's entertaining. You know, every once in a while you might go to a party that's really fun. Sure, but for the most part, no, it's not that fun.

It's not that fun, but it's about doing something with your friends that's entertaining and it's late at night. So it's kind of an adventure, you know? Going in with no expectations, it makes it so much more enjoyable. So good people and no expectations, you're already doing great. You know, obviously nightlife goes hand in hand with drinking, drugs, etc.

Now, I don't do drugs, so that's kind of out of the question for me. If you don't believe me, actually, you know what? Some people really think I'm a drug addict because I have, you know, dark circles under my eyes. I get comments all the time like she's definitely on drugs. Well, she is definitely on drugs, which is rude, but it's fine because I'm not on drugs, not even marijuana. Okay. So don't try me. Like don't fucking try me with that. Okay. My dark circles are genetic. I sleep eight hours a night. They're still there. I sleep 10 hours a night. They're still there. I'm not on drugs. Not that we should judge people who are on drugs because we shouldn't. I don't think we should judge those

people. That's not what I'm saying. But people taking my appearance and saying, well, she's on drugs because of that. That's rude. So anyway, um, it's okay. Though I'm not I don't take it personal Wow, that was that was a tangent. Sorry. What I was trying to say was I don't participate in any drugs at this point so I don't That's sort of out of the question for me personally But I do drink alcohol so occasionally I go through phases because I have kind of a occasionally. I go through phases because I have kind of a tough time with alcohol just as an anxious person as a depressed person by nature, alcohol doesn't react very well with me, right? It can make me feel really depressed, really anxious the next day and that's sucks, that's hard for me. So for me personally, I don't really drink when I go out. I'm pretty

much sober. I've been actually D-Ding, designated driver, ing. Okay. For my friends and I, where, you know, I don't drink, I'm sober the whole night, and I just drive everyone around. And I've been loving it. Sometimes I'll decide I want to have a glass of wine at dinner, in which case we'll Uber around and stuff. But for the most part, I've been really enjoying just being the designated driver and doing that. And that's really intimidating, I think, because obviously alcohol really helps with breaking down the nervous wall

that can come up in social situations where there's unfamiliar faces, right? I've been really working on getting to a place where I can go out at night and not drink and be just as social as I was if I if I drank. And it's going great. For the first few times I felt myself really tense, really uncomfortable, really nervous. But I just kept pushing through it.

And eventually it just became my new normal. And that's just really worked for me recently. Now I'm not saying that I'll never have an evening where I totally go off and get a little drunky ever again, because maybe that will be appealing to me at some point. And I'm not opposed to it. You know, when it comes to going out every weekend, whether it's going to parties or going to a bar,

or going out to dinner late with friends, it just makes me feel happy as the most fulfilled. When I don't drink, you know, I wake up the next morning tired, because I was up late, but I'm not anxious, I'm not depressed, I'm not hungover, I'm just happy, you know, and it's just what works for me. So again, it's all about catering the experience to you. What makes it work for you?

And I think we feel a lot of pressure to be social in certain ways, right? Oh, you have to drink when you go out. Oh, you have to hang out with your friends every day or you have to do this or do that. Like we all have our own ideas of what healthy social interaction looks like based on what we've absorbed over years of experience.

What our peers are pressuring us to do, et cetera. But you have to mold it to fit you. And that's what I've done. I'm not trying to go to the hottest, coolest party or hottest, coolest bar every weekend. I'm just trying to go meet new people, laugh, giggle, maybe have a borderline boring time in some respects. But to be with good people that I love and to make the most of the experience, I'm not trying to go out and be the drunkest one at the bar. What makes me feel the best is being completely sober.

You know, that's what makes nightlife fulfilling for me. And so that's how I'm doing it. And it might not look the coolest. It might not sound the coolest, but it's working for me and so that's how I'm doing it and it might not look the coolest it might not sound the coolest but it's working for me and I love it and there it is. I'm at a place now where my social life is helping me recharge giving myself. A full weekend of fun every weekend has really helped me recharge in between the work week. Like it's just helped me a lot. And it's something I didn't give any attention to until recently.

And it's just, it's been so helpful for me. I took a personality quiz once and it said that I'm introverted and extroverted. Introverted means that it drains your energy to be social. Extroverted means being social gives you energy, right? According to a somewhat reputable personality test I took online, one of the most popular ones, it sent them a mixture of both and I would say that that's really true for the past few years I've been more introverted, you know, and that's what worked for me being alone gave me energy now. I'm at a place where I'm more extroverted being social gives me energy and

You have to honor what your brain and body is telling you, you know we can sort of convince ourselves that what your brain and body is telling you, you know? We can sort of convince ourselves that we're introverts. We need to be alone all the time or we're extroverts. We need to be social all the time. When the truth is we're all both We're all introverted sometimes and extroverted other times and you just have to honor Whatever you're feeling that day. You might wake up one day and feel introverted. Great. Honor that. You might wake up one day and feel extroverted. Great.

Honor that. It's all about following your instinct and it's going to change sometimes. It's going to evolve sometimes. And that's okay. There's no right or wrong way to be social. You just simply have to cater to what you're feeling in the moment. And you have to figure out what's gonna allow you to recharge, grow, and feel fulfilled.

That's it. And it may change on a monthly basis, on a yearly basis, on a daily basis, but there's no right or wrong way to be social. It's so incredibly personal to every person. And it's so important to give yourself the space to figure that out without the noise of what other people want to do and what society wants you to do, etc. What do you want to do? Figure it out. My final point

for today is there's nothing wrong with having your social life in the top of your priorities, right? I think society as a whole tends to prioritize work and productivity over social life, well-being, et cetera. And it's okay to go through phases where your priority is work and career, but it's also okay to go through phases where your priority is being a little bit more social. I mean, the goal is to do everything responsibly, right? To work responsibly, to be social responsibly.

But there's sometimes a negative stigma around prioritizing your social life. And I know I've felt that throughout my life, you know, feeling like I don't deserve to be social, if I haven't got my work done, et cetera. And, you know, there's definitely, there's definitely a fine line between being negligent, right, and not doing what you got to do and being social instead versus being burnt out and exhausted and thinking, you know what, we really help me hanging out with my friends right now. There's a fine line that gets complicated, but there's nothing wrong with leaning into your social life and putting it at the top of your priorities. My top priorities used to be, you know, getting my work done and having a

loan time. And now my priorities are getting my work done and being social. Does that mean maybe my alone time is getting less attention? Yeah, of course. But I don't need it as much right now. So it's fine. It's working. Just fine for me. Your priorities are going to shift in life. Your desires are going to shift in life. The things that work for you are going to constantly change. And that's okay and you just got to go with the flow. All right. Well, that's all I have for today. That's all I have to say for today. I hope you enjoyed hearing about my social life, realizing now that I just kind of talked about me the whole time, but hopefully there was something of value in there.

Hopefully, I really appreciate all of you for hanging out. As always, it's always such a pleasure. And if you enjoyed it, you can tune in every Thursday in Sunday for a new episode. Follow anything goes on Instagram and anything goes. Check out my Instagram at Emma Chamberlain to see like what clothes I'm wearing or to check in on my dark circles under my eyes. They're usually there in the photo.

Check out my coffee company, Chamberlain Coffee. Go to Chamberlaincoffee.com, pick up yourself something or head to a local Walmart. Maybe. I mean, there's the options. There's options. Okay. You can use code AG15 for a little discount off the website. Follow Chamberlain Coffee on Instagram at Chamberlain Coffee if you want to see what's happening.

Yeah, that's all I have. Thank you again for listening. I hope you have an awesome rest of your day. I hope it's totally a gorgeous day. If today wasn't gorgeous, I hope that tomorrow is gorgeous. Just know that you're gorgeous. Remember that. I love and appreciate all of you.

Talk to you later. and just know that you're gorgeous. Okay? Remember that? I love and appreciate all of you. Talk to you later.