anything goes with emma chamberlain - competition is the thief of creativity

Episode Date: November 4, 2021

this podcast was nominated for another people’s choice award which is AMAZING and i cannot thank you guys enough. so it’s only fitting that i do an episode about how much i hate award shows lol. kidding, kinda, but i don’t think someone’s creativity should be judged based on someone else’s opinions. sports and competitions, sure, but judging someone’s art as “good” or “bad” doesn’t make sense so i talk about it in this ep. and i finally share my story about what happened at the streamys a few years back. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey everybody. So apparently the last few episodes I've recorded have had awful audio quality. And I'm just here to apologize because listen, I record this from my bed on a tiny little recording box thing. Like I don't even know what this thing is. It looks like a brick with a bunch of buttons on it and I plug it into the wall and then I plug a microphone in and I talk into it. Most podcasts have higher production than this. I don't I don't really roll like that. I really don't function well like that. I love low production value.

Like that is how I function the best. I don't want a team of people around me as I'm talking shit into the microphone. You know, I wanna do this all my own. And that's great. Until, you know, I don't know how to adjust my audio levels properly. And for that, I apologize. But I did fix them. Hopefully, they sound good. And if they don't, you got to bear with me here, guys. I'm just, I'm recording from bed. Okay. Only

so much can be done while someone's in bed. Only things can only be so good when you're doing them from bed. Anyway, I think the podcast is a little bit cursed right now because a few weeks ago, I recorded a whole episode and I didn't realize that I had like pressed a button on my little recording box machine that made it so that none of my audio was recorded.

So when I clicked on the file to listen to it, it was just like a blank file. It was like a two hour long file with no audio. When I remember that, I actually feel pain again. Like I feel like I'm reliving that pain. Anyway, see, you guys are just gonna have to bear with me here. Okay, I'm not an audio specialist. Like I don't know what I'm doing, but I appreciate your patience.

Anywho, what are we talking about today? Recently, there's been a lot of award shows, one that comes to mind for me is the People's Choice Award, which ironically, this podcast was nominated for an award for the People's Choice Awards, which is very cool. And I'm very, very grateful. Thank you guys for listening and supporting the podcast. And if you guys nominated me, I don't really know how nominations work with this stuff. But if you guys did nominate me, I really appreciate. Like, I don't know, like, what do you send votes in?

Like, I have no idea how this shit works. Regardless, I'm very grateful. And I don't want that to get lost, because I am about to shit on award shows for the next hour. So I want to show my gratitude before I proceed to shit on award shows for the next hour. Here's a thing, right? The general concept of award shows seems fun when you look at it from 100 miles away,

right? Like, from a bird's eye view, award shows seem fun, you know? It's just like, you take a handful of creative people, put them into a category and then you Find a few people and you make them judge which one is the best and then there's a winner Or you send a tweet out and say everybody vote for your favorite and then you have a winner You know like from a bird's-eye view that seems like so chill and not like it just seems fun and whatever, but I don't think that it's that simple and I don't think that it's that harmless and I'll explain why.

I think that there are certain times and places where competitions make sense. An example would be like the Olympics, you know, judging people based on their physical ability, right? That makes sense to me because whether or not you can physically do something is, it's like a yes or no question. And whether or not you can do it well is also a yes or no question. It's like, was that good? Yes or no. And like the answer is like, it's set in stone, right? You know, a good example would be like even a track race, like if people are running track. Whoever runs the fastest ran the fastest, you know, it's not up for debate.

Whoever can hold a handstand for the longest held the handstand for the longest. Do you know what I'm saying? There's no room for debate like the person who wins wins. But when it comes to award shows and competitions based on creativity, that's not the case, you know what I'm saying? Let's say there's a award show and the category is best music video of the year. Every judge might have different taste and might have a different perspective. And all of the music videos are probably pretty great and it really just comes

down to opinion at that point, right? So when it comes to creative competition, the winner is kind of just winning because the judge liked theirs the best and it's kind of just based on opinion. You know, it's like, whereas like, you know, a race, like if you're running race, where two people are running, for example, like whoever ran faster, ran faster. So the judge doesn't have to do anything except for make sure that nobody got disqualified.

You know what I'm saying? They're like, oh yeah, well that person ran, you know, a hundred meters in 10 seconds and that person ran it in 12. The winner ran it in 10 seconds. Like it's just, it's not based on opinion, right? But when you compare creativity, the only way to judge it is just based on opinion. And the problem with that is that in my opinion, comparing creativity in a competition of sorts is just not necessary.

You know what I'm saying? Because there's no way to truly determine a real winner because it's all based on opinion. And it's unnecessary. And if anything, I think it might even be harmful, you know, because creation is very personal and it's very intimate with someone, you know, A creative creation is very, very intimate to the person who created it. And it means a lot to the person who created it.

And shoving that into a competitive nature just defeats the whole purpose of creativity in general, you know? The beautiful thing about creativity and making art in any form is that It doesn't take away from anybody else's art or creativity, you know Let's use music as an example. I love so many different artists and bands, and I love so many different genres of music. And my appreciation for one doesn't take away from my appreciation of the other.

And I don't really see a reason to compare all of my favorite music. I like all of my favorite music for a bunch of different reasons. And I listen to certain songs when I'm feeling one way and I listen to other songs when I'm feeling another way. You know, there's a time and a place for all of my favorite music. I don't need to compare, I don't need to choose my favorite. That's not the point. I appreciate them all differently.

And it's the same thing with pieces of art that I have in my home. You know, I love them all for different reasons, and I appreciate them all for different reasons. And the beauty of one piece of art that I have in one part of my house does not take away from the beauty of the art in another part of my house. I think that the moral of the story is, you know, competition with creativity doesn't make sense. It's not, it just doesn't work like that. Like it doesn't go hand in hand.

When it comes to athletics, it makes total sense because with athletics, you know, competition is almost necessary. That's the reason why you want to get better, is so that you can win and be the best. And being the best is set in stone. You're either the best or you're not. And it's not opinion-based. It's strictly based on what you are capable of.

How fast you can go, how many points you can score, how many skills you can perform at any given moment. That is fair. Like that is fair. That makes sense. But as I said, it just doesn't make sense with creativity. And I think that it really misses the point. It defeats the whole purpose. And I understand, like award shows, like if you look at the Grammys or the Oscars, which are music and movie award shows.

You know, there's something fun about it, right? It's like, oh, like, is my favorite movie gonna win? Is my favorite music artist gonna win, whatever? Yeah, it might be fun for, you know, the audience, but for the actual creators who made these pieces of art, I don't think it's very fun, you know world to see based on simply opinion. It just doesn't make sense. I just don't think it's good.

I just don't think it's good. I don't think it makes sense. And I don't think that it's right. It just feels wrong to me. Because there's too much emotion and there's too much vulnerability that goes on with creativity for it to be just judged based on opinion. It almost takes the depth away from creativity.

When you start to throw creative projects into competition and compare them to one another on a surface level, it takes away from the depth that went into the creation because when you just judge it based on, you know, surface level elements, you're not looking into the story of the creation and you're not looking into what that meant to the person who created it.

You're just kind of basing it like off, well, I think that that was better than the other one. And that's it. It's not, it just doesn't do everybody's art justice. And I understand that sometimes there's a clear winner in these things. There's someone who maybe did something revolutionary that's never been done before in a creative competition setting.

You know, there's somebody who really, really went outside of the box and did something that was a complete shocker to everybody and it was super exciting and you know, maybe even is gonna inspire filmmaking or music making in the future And it's a complete like black sheep like it's completely different than the rest And so that one's a clear winner great then you know, whatever, but that doesn't happen usually Usually it's like well, these are all great movies or these are all great movies, or these are all great music videos, or these are all great songs, or these are all great paintings.

You know, it's just like, we're just kind of choosing our favorite, but based on what? I just don't like it. I just simply don't like it, and I don't think that it's good. You know, if it were up to me, and if I were to host an award show, instead of taking five different movies,

putting them into a category and saying, this one is my favorite, I would say, here are 15 movies from this year that were nominated all by the public that are all great for their own reasons And they're getting a little shout out and here's why you know and There's no competition on you know, which one is the best? It's just more of a highlight reel of some of the best

Work of the year, you know what I mean? Same thing could go for music that same thing could go for music videos, same thing could go for art, you get what I'm saying. Instead of like pitting creative people against one another, I think it would just be so much better if it was less of a competition and more just of like a showcase of some of the best things that were created that year. I don't think that the whole competition element

is necessary. I think that we could just leave it at like a nomination thing. Like everybody who's nominated just gets a shout out and you know gets a chance to talk about their inspiration for you know what made them want to create what they created and like, that be it. Instead of it being this intense competition of sorts, I just don't think that it's right. And, you know, this whole situation kind of reminds me of when I was in art class in high school. And, you know, we would get graded on how well we did art.

That's so counterintuitive, like that's not how it works. The whole reason why art and creativity in general are so great is that there's no rules. And don't we know that by now? Like didn't Van Gogh teach us anything? Van Gogh didn't sell any work when he was alive. Everybody thought he was a piece of shit artist because he didn't fit in the mold. But now we all fucking lose our shit over Van Gogh paintings because we realize now that he was incredible and he did something new and he did something different, right?

And so grading a high school aged kid and he did something new and he did something different, right? And so grading a high school aged kid on how well they can paint something is just so wrong to me because art in general is so personal. I think that in art class you should be graded based on whether or not you completed your project on time. That's it. Technique, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, shut up. Why are we grading people based on that? You know what I'm saying?

That's just so, again, wrong to me. If somebody is not as artistically inclined and their art piece doesn't look maybe as aesthetically pleasing as the next guy. Somebody shouldn't be graded poorly for that. If they did their absolute best, they should be given an A period. And if they got it done and they weren't lazy

and they did it and they put their heart and soul into it. They should be given an A, end of story. When I was in art class, I remember, like some of my classmates would put their fucking elbow grease into an art project and get like a B minus and they would be so upset because they'd be like, well, I did my best and like, this is what I thought looked good and this is what I thought felt right.

And then they would get a B- just because the teacher didn't really like the way that they did it. That's just not right to me. Listen, if you're in art school in like college or something and you know, the course that you're taking is specifically based on drawing and painting realistically. Listen, you're signing yourself up for a difficult class and like you're signing yourself up

to be judged on whether or not you can realistically paint something correctly. But in high school art class, come on. Being super strict about doing art, quote unquote correctly, in a classroom setting, causes competitiveness between students. Like, students are going to start to feel competitive towards one another while creating these art pieces.

And that's just not healthy. Creativity thrives when you can collaborate and discuss with other people freely and without competition and with just simply excitement and inspiration. Competitiveness is absolutely the thief of creativity in my opinion. Some people might be able to thrive creatively when there's competition involved, not me. And a lot of people I know are similar to me where that just does not work. It takes all the joy out of it.

And in my opinion, all things in life that are creative should be enjoyable. Because if not, like what's the point? It's like in life there are two types of things that you can do. Creative things and necessary things. Necessary things would be like cleaning the house, putting gas in your car, going grocery shopping, taking a shower, like all of that stuff. Yeah, it can be necessary things can be enjoyable at times,

but they're not always going to be enjoyable and sometimes they're going to be tedious and sometimes they're going to be a fucking bummer. You know what I mean? And it's just, it is the way that it is. You can't expect necessary things to always be fun or enjoyable. They might be every once in a while,

but generally they're just going gonna be what they are. But creative things like making art and cooking and making anything should be always enjoyable. There's no reason for that to ever feel like a chore or to feel like a competition. It's just stupid and it's counterintuitive. If at any point being creative becomes a chore or it becomes competitive or it becomes anxiety inducing and uncomfortable and not relaxing, you're doing it wrong.

And you know what? I felt this way, you know, at a certain point, I make YouTube videos and for me making YouTube videos became not and for me, making YouTube videos became not creative for me anymore. You know, it was just like, okay, I'm just making these videos and I'm kinda having fun doing it, but also like, I don't feel creative doing this.

I, in like, you know, I feel like I'm in a weird way competing with, I wasn't competing with anybody in particular, but I was competing against myself in a negative way, not in a positive way, but in a negative way. I was like, I want to continue to get better at making, a certain type of YouTube video. And I wanna do better than I did a year ago. get better at making a certain type of YouTube video. And I wanna do better than I did a year ago.

I wanna make better videos than I did a year ago. And I was caught up in comparing my new stuff to my old stuff instead of just leaving the past and the past and just simply making a good video that I appreciate now for what it is, if that makes sense. Instead of making a video and trying to make it better than videos I had made in the past, I just shifted my focus to being like, I'm just going to make a video in this present

moment that is good for what it is, not good in comparison to videos I've made in the past. If that makes sense, absolutely word vomiting right now. Lord knows if anything I'm saying makes sense. Per usual, I never know. Okay, I turn on the microphone, I start word vomiting. The rest is history. I say this at least at one point in every episode too,

because I like, I catch myself in this weird trance, and then I snap myself out of it, and then I'm like, oh my God, I got locked into that trance again. Like, what did I just say? But yeah, I think that, you know, creativity in general does not need to be compared. There doesn't need to be a competition.

And I think that that's just missing the whole point. I think that comparing art and creativity to one another just completely misses the whole point of what being creative is. Being creative is creating something that evokes any type of feeling in yourself or in others or in both. That's what creativity is. And it's enjoying the process while doing it. And it should be exciting. And it should be personal and it might not be everybody's cup of tea. But a lot of times if you create something and it's not everybody's cup of tea, that means you did it right. And that means that you are really truly creative.

If everybody likes something that you created, you probably didn't take enough risk. If you created something and only 50% of people like it or even only 20% of people like it, that means you did something that kind of stirred the pot a little bit. You took a little bit of a risk and you did something that was a little weird, a little funky and that's a good thing. When I do something creative and I get a little bit of discomfort from people and people are like, oh, that's a little weird. I love that. To me, that's like, okay, we are on the right track. We're stirring the pot a little bit, Goddamn it, and I like that.

Now listen, I know some of you at home are like, Emma, it's not that fucking deep. You know, you don't have to watch award shows, you don't have to participate in award shows. It's just not that deep. I know that. I know that. I'm just saying. I am just saying that deep. I know that. I know that.

I'm just saying. I am just saying in general, why am I getting defensive? Why am I getting defensive? Literally, I'm like, there's Emma. There's no one here like arguing with you. Just everybody's probably on your side. Like you don't need to get defensive. I don't know why I just literally started like fighting with an imaginary person right now.

That's mortifying, but I'm kind of glad that it happened because it is kind of funny, but also I am a little bit embarrassed. Anyway, it isn't really that deep, you know. It's like nobody's getting hurt by these types of competitions happening. I just wanted to share my general opinion about the flaws in comparing creativity in any form, whether that's in art class at school or that's in award show, or that's some sort of art competition in general no matter what that may be, you know? There's so many different types of art related competitions

that exist out there, so anything in that realm, I just really don't think that it's right. Now, I know that with some of these types of competitions or award shows and stuff like that, it's not just based on like a small panel of three judges. Sometimes it's based on like votes from the public, like votes from actual human beings, right? And so when it's based on, you votes from actual human beings, right? And so when it's based on actual human beings

and based on the public, like thousands of people, that's a little different. It's definitely like a little bit less surface level maybe because it's based on the general opinion of people. You know what I'm saying? Like that if one creation was heavily voted for, chances are it probably is the best, right? It's not just based on the opinion of three judges. It probably is the best one. Just based on public opinion. If public opinion decides this is the best,

chances are probably, it probably is the best. It might be the most well done. It might be the most creative. It might be the most different or unique. But I don't care. I don't care how well a creative endeavor is judged. I don't care how accurately it's judged. I don't care how many factors went into the judging of this creation. I just think in general that comparing creativity

is just wrong. So that's where I'm at, that's where I'm at, right? And I don't know, you know, some people might totally disagree with me. And even some people who are in these types of competitions or award shows or art classes might disagree with me. They might think that and that's fine. I just, I don't know, I've always felt this way and I've always wanted to talk about it. And so here we are. And I would love to hear your guys' opinion. If you guys agree with me or disagree with me,

please feel free to share why the Twitter is at AG podcast. You can tweet at me and we can start a debate of sorts or a conversation. I'm curious. I don't know if like I'm just looking at this too deeply. I'm just looking at this too deeply, but yeah, I just don't think it's good. Whereas you know, something that I, like an area where competition is necessary to me is like, with something like food. Like if they're like a food competition, okay, for example like cooking competitions like British baking

What is it called British baking show? British It's crazy that I don't know that because I'm so obsessed with cooking shows But I haven't really gotten to into that one British baking show. Wait is that it? I'm googling it Not an episode goes by where I don't fucking Google something British baking show. The great British Bake Off. The great British Bake Off. The great British Bake.

Why can't I not say it? The great British baking show. Also known as the Great British Bake Off. That was a fucking emotional roller coaster. Anyway, shows like that or shows like Chopped, if you've seen Chopped, it's like where four chefs get a box of random ingredients and then they have to cook a dish out of those ingredients. You know, stuff like that, that. Yes, that's based on opinion, but also in a weird way, like judging somebody off whether or not they cooked something properly or well,

is kind of in the same realm as whether or not somebody can run faster than the other. It just seems like an obvious yes or no answer. I don't know. Maybe I'm totally off my rocker here. Like maybe I'm just totally losing my mind. I don't know. But there it is.

I remember I did an art competition a few years back in my hometown because actually, so my dad is an artist, he paints paintings for a living. And he used to enter this art competition every year for fun, where basically everybody would go out for the day in paint around this neighborhood. And then at the end of the day, they would come back and show what they had painted that day. And there was like a panel of judges and they would judge, you know, who

painted the best painting that day. And one year, I decided I would enter the competition as well with my dad. Of course, I absolutely lost beyond belief. I didn't even, I did terrible. Like even I can say that. I know I just meant this whole entire episode being like, don't judge creativity, but also like my painting was fucking ugly. Like there was nothing good about it, and that's fine. I'm allowed to judge

my own art. Nobody else is though. Anywho, um, but like I remember, you know, when I was painting my painting and I was a kid, right, I was young, I felt this like sense of like stress and urgency and anxiety while I was painting this painting. And it made the whole experience so fucking traumatizing. And same thing for my dad, I remember my dad every year used to be like, ah, this shit stresses me out so bad. Like, you know, and normally he loves painting. Like he feels relatively relaxed from painting. Obviously, when you're doing things that are creative, there are definitely roadblocks for sure. And even if you love what you're doing,

there are gonna be moments when it's more difficult than others, that's part of it. There's struggles in being creative 1,000%. But like anxiety that everybody felt that day was like not in like a cute, oh, this is a part of the creative process way. It was like a, this is an unnecessary level of stress and discomfort. You know, like whereas if that painting competition would have been structured a little bit differently and instead of it being a competition, it was more of a situation where it was like a group activity. You know, anybody could join this painting group, let's say, for the day and everybody goes out and paints and then at the end of the day, whoever wants, I just farted. So, hopefully you guys didn't hear it. It totally happened without me even like noticing it was happening.

Like, I didn't notice that I was farting until halfway through the fart and that is the scariest type of fart. When it like happens and you don't notice it until it's already like halfway done and then you're like, what if I wasn't by myself right now? And I would have just, in that fart, where to just slipped out. And I had no control over that fart. Like that was a rogue fart. Back to what I was saying. Like it would have been so much cuter

and so much more wholesome if everybody would have just come together, painted around the neighborhood and then shared with each other what they painted and why and talked about the struggles and got to just like showcase their art piece for fun with no competitive element. Like the competitive element, it's just like,

why, why is it there? It just creates like upset. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's not good. I don't know. I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if like award shows or competitions or things in that realm

are competitive just for the sake of suspense and for drama. You know what I'm saying? I wonder if the competition element is really necessary or if it's just put in place for suspense and for the drama. I really, really do believe that award shows, like the Grammys and the Oscars and things like that, incorporate this competition element so that more people are gonna get emotionally invested, right? Instead of it just being this peaceful and wholesome event where all of the pop and movies

and music creations of the year just get to be showcased and discussed. They have to all be compared, you know. But why? I know why because it creates a little bit of drama, creates a little bit of argument, It creates a little bit of buzz. And you know how Hollywood works. Hollywood loves a little bit of a little bit of drama. Okay? Hollywood loves it. I just don't think that using people's creations for a source of drama, suspense, and buzz is the right approach. It's like wait until the Olympics. That makes sense. The drama in the buzz around the Olympics or around

the Super Bowl. That makes sense. That is where that should stay. The Super Bowl and the Olympics were created as a competition and as entertainment. That is what they are. I mean, obviously the people who are playing the sport, enjoy playing the sport or doing the sport, you know what I'm saying? For sure, but also like, what's the point of getting good at football if you're not gonna compete? What's the point of getting really good at gymnastics

unless you're gonna compete? What's the point of getting really good at gymnastics unless you're going to compete? There's no point. But what's the point of creating a beautiful song to make other people feel good? That's it. What's the point of painting a beautiful painting to a Vulcan emotion in somebody who looks at it? What's the point of sewing a beautiful piece of clothing to make somebody feel confident and empowered when they're wearing it? What's the point of making a beautiful movie, to transform somebody into another place while they're sitting in their own reality, but they get to feel like they're somewhere else for a second. All of these creative things serve another purpose.

Their root purpose has nothing to do with being better than anyone else or anything else. You see what I mean? It's just food for thought, you know? And if any art teachers are listening to this, I really encourage you to think about your grading system. If your art class is based around accuracy of a drawing, sure, grade it based on accuracy,

but if you're a high school art teacher, give your students some freedom to Express themselves and have fun. And if you're thinking about entering some sort of art competition or some sort of creative competition, maybe think about just gathering some friends together and going out and Making something together instead, you know? Okay, I thought I would end this episode though, with a story, because I have been doing a award show before,

and I won, and something traumatizing happened to me, and I have to tell you that. I mean, I've never told this story, like, you know, you can find it on the internet, so like, you could see what happened, but I don't think I've told it from my perspective before. So here it goes. So in 2018 or 2019 I was nominated for a Streamy Award which is basically like the internet award show. All the categories are based on people who create content on the internet, right?

And so I was nominated for Breakout Creator, which is basically like somebody who just broke onto the scene vibe, and I was nominated for that. And I had never been nominated for an award before and I was very excited. Now, obviously, you guys know how I feel about award shows. Yes, but like, at that time, I was just excited to experience anything. Did you know what I'm saying? I was so new in the world of the internet and all of that stuff that award shows in different events were all still very exciting to me.

And so I was stoked, you know, I was like, all right, I'm going to go to the event. So I knew I was nominated for an award, but I didn't think I was gonna win. So I was like, I'm just gonna go to the event anyway, see if I can meet anybody that I look up to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So, a few days before I go and I get, possibly the ugliest outfit I've ever worn, from some random department store, okay? The outfit was so ugly.

I didn't know how to dress for an event, right? I didn't know what I was doing. So I went to this random fucking department store, picked out literally the ugliest outfit I've ever worn. Every time I see the photo of that outfit, I want to stab my eyes out with scissors. I was wearing a pair of gray plaid trousers that got tight around the ankles for what reason I don't know.

I was wearing a Gucci belt with them, it was so bad. And then a white shirt tucked in, so ugly. It doesn't sound that ugly, but it just didn't work on me. It just didn't look right on me. And I wore that. And I ordered a glam squad to do my hair and makeup. I don't know if you guys remember that app, but it was like an app called glam squad.

And you could like schedule to get hair and makeup done and like a lot of people use it for prom and like school dances and stuff like that. So I like called up a Glam Squad. They did not, they did a great job, you know, like nothing against them at all but they definitely didn't do a look that like made sense for my face and hair and like my style in general. I kind of looked like I was going to a job interview, whereas like I wanted to look a little bit more like a baddie vibe, I wanted to look kind of cute, but instead I looked kind of like I was going to be interviewed for a job at a law firm and like that wasn't the right vibe, but that was the hair and makeup that

they chose for me because I didn't know what to ask for. I was like, I don't know, whatever you think would look best and then they did whatever they thought would look best and it didn't look best, you know, but it was like whatever. And I remember I like put on my full outfit and like I had my hair and makeup done and I did not feel good. I didn't feel confident. I felt like I looked kinda ugly, which is like not how I should have,

that's not the right mindset to have, but what can I say? I was like a 17 year old girl. I felt like I looked like shit. And in my opinion, even now, I think I kind of looked not the best. I just didn't look like me. Like, I wasn't, the outfit wasn't me at all.

The hair and makeup wasn't me. And so it just didn't look right. Like, I didn't look like shit in any, like, you know, not like myself, like my body and who I am. But more just like, how I decided to present myself was not right. It just didn't look right, okay? And so I didn't feel super confident

because the way that you do your hair and your makeup and the outfit that you decided to put on, all of that contributes to how you present yourself socially as well, you know, and whether or not you have confidence in a conversation depends on whether or not you feel confident in what you're wearing. You know what I mean?

That plays a huge role. So I was going into it feeling a little bit insecure and I also went into it not expecting to win. So I was just kinda like, just there chilling, like whatever. you know, I was like, there's not gonna be a lot of attention on me. Like, it's fine that I don't feel my best right now. Okay.

So it comes time to announce the winner of my category, that I, you know, I was nominated for breakout creator. And the presenters come on stage and they're like, okay, next we're going to be, you know, sharing the winner for this category. And I was like, well, I think I would know if I want, like I think somebody would have like given me a heads up, right? So I just assumed I didn't win because, you know, no one told me that I won. Like it was actually a surprise to me. I always assumed that they told you beforehand so that you could prepare. And I think that some award shows definitely do that, but apparently this one did not.

And so, you know, the presenters come on stage and they're like, okay, so winner of Breakout Creator is Emma Chamberlain. And I was like, oh shit. No, I was so, so I've never, I wanted to start crying. I was like, I don't want to, I don't want to do this. I don't want to give a speech. I'm not ready. I've never given a speech in my life. You know, there are so many people that I like look up to in this crowd and I'm not ready to talk in front of all of them right now.

I go up there and I just make a fucking fool of myself. I can't even watch the video now because it makes me so upset, because I just know, like it was, it's just, it's possibly some of the cringiest content of me that exists. And listen, you can look it up,

but don't you dare fucking bring it up to me. I don't wanna hear about it, okay? You can look it up. You could find it on the internet somewhere. I'm not gonna give you any hints on how to find it. You could find it if you wanted to. But don't fucking send it to me. Do not bring it up to me.

Do not make fun of me. I'm sick of it. I already got made fun of enough. I got made fun of for like, at least, a year after that all happened. And honestly, it was well deserved. I mean, it was cringy. Yes, it was definitely very cringy. a year after that all happened. And honestly, it was well deserved. I mean, it was cringey.

Yes, it was definitely very cringey. I went up there and I was like, oh, I don't even remember what I said. I blocked it out of my memory. All I remember is that I forgot to think, I forgot to think like 50 people and I don't even think I I just didn't say anything right that's the moral of the story and I remember I got off the stage and I just felt like such shit and I was asking everybody I was like I did a terrible job didn't I and I'm really like no you did good you did good. They were all lying to me. I did terrible.

And that will remain possibly one of the most embarrassing moments in my life that I wish I could just delete. But at the same time, it's like, it's all a part of the fun, you know? Like, if you don't have awkward fucking moments like that, then what's the point of life? It's like awkward moments like that make you appreciate

when you kind of have a bad ass moment. You know what I'm saying? It's good, it's fine, it's important, it's necessary. But it was so bad, oh my God, it was so bad. And even actually that event got even worse for me because then I had to walk a tiny little red carpet and take photos with my trophy. And I had never posed on a red carpet before. And it took me a second to get comfortable. And so I was like, can you guys give me a sec? Like I need to figure out, I wanna pose.

Well, I didn't realize that, you know, there's no mercy in these situations. Like these photographers don't give a fuck about you and they don't give a fuck about your feelings. Which is valid, you know? And so they just started snapping photos of me and I was like, wait, wait, hold on. And so, you know, I adjusted myself

and then I was ready to take photos. Well, it turns out that the photos that ended up being uploaded to the internet were all the photos of me like readjusting myself before I was ready to pose and the photos were so bad. Like I was like, there's one where like, I'm like half blinking and like,

I'm like moving my neck weird and it's like one of the worst photos of me I've ever seen. And like, that's the photo that they chose to use. And I was like, you guy, and that photo still gets used sometimes on the internet. Like if somebody maybe like, you know, say writes an article about me, they'll use that image every once in a while.

And I'm like, can we just retire this image forever? I asked if I could get it deleted, but apparently that's not how this whole thing works. Listen, I still to this day don't know how all this shit works. But back then I really didn't know. I was like fresh. I had zero experience in this world and universe at all. And so I just was like, it was such a train wreck, you guys.

I really like, but it was also, you know, it took me, I actually had like a moment, you know, maybe like a year ago where I remembered this whole catastrophe that happened and it kind of haunted me and it kind of gave me anxiety and I was like, I just wish I could delete this. Like everybody could go and find this incredibly embarrassing moment that I had. And it made me feel very out of control and very anxious to know that anybody at any given moment could go and find this of me.

And it's something I'm embarrassed of, you know? And that sucks. But more recently, I've realized we're all human. We all have embarrassing moments. And it's maybe not a bad thing for there to be some embarrassing moments of me out there. Because I'm human. And like, that's just the truth of it. We have embarrassing moments.

We get flustered. We do weird shit. We pose badly for photos. We, you know, like, under prepare for a speech, okay? Like, it happens. And that's just part of, it's just part of being alive. And so maybe it isn't so bad that it's out there for anybody to see, but anyway. That's all I got for today. Please let me know what you guys think of everything we talked about today. The Twitter is at AG Podcast. You can tweet at me your opinions.

We can start a little debate. I'm very curious to hear if you guys agree with me, disagree with me. If you do disagree with me, be polite because I'm very sensitive. And I'm kidding. You can totally go in and we can debate. I'm into it. But also if you agree, yeah, let's just talk on Twitter. I appreciate you guys listening this week. I appreciate you guys listening every week. Thank you again for nominating me and this podcast for the People's Choice Award. I really appreciate it.

Despite the fact that I don't necessarily believe in competition when it comes to creativity or creation in general, I still am very grateful. And if I don't win, I'm literally deleting my podcast. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I really, I'm, that is the joke. Like, I, there is no competitiveness with me when it comes to this stuff. So, may the, may the best pod win. All of, anyway, May the best pod win all love. Anyway, if you guys want to follow anything goes, you can do so on any platform that you listen to podcasts.

You can leave a review on Apple podcasts. Let me know what you guys think of the podcast. I really appreciate the reviews and I read them all the time and they make my day every single time. And that's all I got. I hope you guys have an amazing rest of your week and we're gonna talk soon. I'll see you then.

Well, I won't see you. I'll talk to you then. Bye.