anything goes with emma chamberlain - cringe, a talk with emma

Episode Date: February 25, 2024

recently i've been thinking about cringe. i can look at something and be like, that's cringe. i can do something and be like, “emma, that was cringe.” but i rarely ask myself why. i don't think it's possible to completely avoid being cringe, but i feel like understanding what makes something cringe may be beneficial. and also investigating whether or not cringe is always bad. so today, i'm going to be investigating what makes something cringe, and when cringe is bad versus when cringe is maybe good Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I lost my voice again. Now this isn't a shock to any of us because I always lose my voice, but I went a solid month where my voice sounded crystal clear, no hoarseness, maybe a little bit of raspiness, but that's just who I am. My voice sounded incredible, it sounded beautiful. I sounded like Ariana Grande when I was talking, okay?

It sounded like a whistle tone, an Ariana Grande whistle tone when I was talking. Okay? It sounded like a whistle tone. And Ariana Grande whistle tone when I was talking. It was that crispy. It was that sharp. Now it's gone again. I think there's something wrong with my vocal cords. I'm a little bit concerned about it. I think I will be going to the doctor soon

because it's just a little bit weird how often I lose my voice. Whatever, I'll get to the bottom of it. For now, I'm just going to eat a lot of Luden's cherry cough drops and cross my fingers and hope for the best. I just downed a cough drop. It was delicious. I'm feeling good and I'm ready to talk. So recently I've been thinking about cringe, the feeling of cringe. And I've been sort of trying to figure it out. Let me explain why.

I noticed that with myself, I know when something's cringe. I can look at something and be like, that's cringe. I can do something and be like, Emma, that was cringe. But I rarely ask myself why it was cringe. It's rare that I'm fully aware of why something is cringe. I just know if it's cringe or not. It's very black and white in my brain. And if it's like that for me, I have to assume

it's also like that for other people. We know when something is cringe, but we don't always know why it's cringe. And I think cringe is worthy of investigating because I don't think any of us want to be cringe. I think most of us want to avoid being cringe. And I don't think it's possible to completely avoid being cringe, but I feel like understanding what makes something cringe maybe will be beneficial.

But also investigating whether or not cringe is always bad. Like, yeah, often cringe is bad. But when I really think about it, it's not always bad. And so today I'm gonna be investigating what makes something cringe and when cringe is bad versus when cringe is maybe good? I don't know. We're just gonna go down the cringe rabbit hole today.

So first I wanted to research why we cringe. I found an article on theface.com that referenced Dr. Dean Burnett, a neuroscientist and author of emotional ignorance lost and found in the science of emotion. And he says that cringing is essentially a mechanism to deter us from behaving in ways that risk us losing status or gaining the negative judgment of others. Our bodies consider negative judgment to be a threat to survival. Our primitive brain reflexes don't really discern between a physical threat, example a nearby tiger, and a psychological threat, example, potentially embarrassing ourselves in

front of others. So they trigger similar responses. The subconscious desire to make yourself smaller, to avoid detection or judgment means we cringe to minimize our presence until the risk has passed. That sort of explains the physical reaction to cringing. Like when you cringe, you sort of crumble up into a ball and, you know. But I feel like cringe is sort of taken on a new meaning. It's it's less about the physical reaction of cringing because that's sort of an intense reaction and it's more a genre of behavior. Right. It's less about the literal physical reaction and it's more a genre of behavior, right? It's less about the literal physical reaction

and it's more about individuals actions, I guess. Because it's not like I physically cringe at everything that I believe is cringe. I feel like cringe is much more now than maybe it once was. It's a much larger umbrella now. It's basically anything that's embarrassing, awkward, uncool, uncomfortable, try hard. But in my opinion, there are two types of cringe. There's negative cringe, which has underlying feelings of anger and disgust. And it tends to be

And it tends to be more embarrassing, uncomfortable try heart. Like it tends to fall into those categories. Negative cringe tends to make you dislike someone. Maybe there's a rare instance where you pity them a little bit, but I'd say for the most part, negative cringe is infuriating. You're almost mad at the person for being cringe in the way that they are. You're like, I'm not on your team, right? And then there's positive cringe, which tends to have underlying feelings of pity and almost a sweetness. There's something endearing

about positive cringe. It tends to fall into the category of being uncool, awkward. You can cringe at something, but if it's the right type of cringe, you can be like, ah, yeah, that was cringe, but I'm still on your team. You see what I mean? And this distinction I think is important because inevitably in life,

we're going to be cringe sometimes. It's unavoidable, but I think our goal should really be to avoid being negative cringe, the type of cringe that really alienates you. It makes people not wanna be around you, versus harmless positive cringe, where it's like, yeah, maybe you did something kinda uncool, kinda awkward, but no one's

leaving you in the dust for that. Do you know what I'm saying? Okay, so let's sort of dig into this now. Let's discuss some scenarios that make me cringe in a negative way and try to find a commonality so we can distinguish the difference between negative cringe and positive cringe so then we can go from there. distinguish the difference between negative cringe and positive cringe so then we can go from there. Okay when someone shows up to a casual event in a bunch of designer clothes and they have logos everywhere and they're wearing

sunglasses and they have a cocky attitude and they're being dismissive of people and they're just being a fucking cocky boug bougie asshole. That's negative cringe. Someone walks in like that and you're like, ugh, ugh. Who are you? You know what I'm saying? What are you doing? It's cringe because they're putting a lot of effort into trying to make everyone around them

feel smaller than them. And that rarely works. It maybe works with people who are more vulnerable or insecure but for the most part it just comes off as cringe. It comes off as trying too hard and nobody wants to be around that type of person. Another example, when someone parks their expensive car

in front of a restaurant or in front of a bar or something and stands around it and tries to get attention for it. Cringe. This is cringe because this person is clearly trying to attract people based on something that they have rather than what they are. It's like an immediate red flag. This person must be lacking somewhere and they're covering it up with this car. Okay. This is a very LA thing But again, it falls under the category of trying too hard another example

someone who constantly Has to bring up their business success in front of people Particularly in a cocky way like it's one thing if you're thriving in your career and you're like, yeah, my job's going great. That's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about people who are going out of their way to brag about their business success. There's something embarrassing about not being humble.

It falls under the category of being uncomfortable because being cocky is not in good taste. If you have keen social cues, you're not gonna be cocky. Another example, posting excessive photos of your significant other clearly in attempt to brag and flex and be like, look at what I have, you wish you had this. That's cringe to me. Like when I see couples posting like hot photos together in a way that feels super manufactured,

I can't help but cringe. They might look hot together and maybe even look like they're having fun, but you can tell when they're posting it to make other people jealous versus them posting it because they just genuinely want to share this experience that they're having. I think that that's cringe because the viewer of this type of content can tell that it's

rooted in insecurity in the relationship. You might not even realize that you're picking up on that when you see this type of content, but subconsciously that's how it reads. It's like, oh God, you guys are trying to prove to the world that you're picking up on that when you see this type of content. But subconsciously, that's how it reads. It's like, oh God, you guys are trying to prove to the world that you're happily in love. But if you were happily in love, would you have taken this photo? There's a feeling emanating from it that screams,

we're trying to prove to the world that we have a good relationship because we don't even believe we have a good relationship. Does that make sense? It can also read like, oh, you're trying to get back at your ex. You're trying to make them feel like shit. Like, it's all of that. You know what I mean? It's rooted in some sort of insecurity somewhere. And that's helpable. Also sort of bouncing off of that. Someone who's constantly reminding everyone how successful their love life is.

Like what comes to mind is that friend you have who is always reminding you how much sex they have. Do you know what I'm talking about? Like someone who's like, yeah, like, I don't know. Like I've gone on a lot of dates this week and like, just goes into detail about like this incredible sex that they're having. It's one thing to share these things with your friends,

but it's, there's something about the tone and the intention that can make it cringe. When it's rooted in, again, insecurity, trying to be like, oh, just in case you forgot. I fuck, you know what I mean? I don't know, I'd explain it. Oh, just in case you forgot. I fuck, you know what I mean? I don't know, I'd explain it.

Like there are people who are overly sexual in a way, maybe trying to overcomensate for their normal sex life, or maybe their sex life is not super bustling at the moment, but they maybe will exaggerate it to make everyone around them think, look at me, like, you know, I've known quite a few people like that and that is very cringe. And it's cringe because that person is trying to weirdly be sexually dominant, not dominant, but like, for whatever reason, they want to prove to you that they're super sexually

desirable more than you. You know what I'm saying? It's weird, but I've known many people like this, so that's why I'm mentioning it. Another example, when people primarily guys try to start a fight at a bar to impress a girl. Like anytime someone tries to pick a fight to impress someone else, that is cringe. I think it's cringe because again, it lacks social cues so it's uncomfortable.

It tends to be sort of awkward. It's not necessarily stereotypically uncool. Like I think stereotypically it is cool to win a fight in a way, but that's almost what makes it uncool is that anytime somebody tries to start a fight at a bar or something It's very clear that they're trying to be cool by doing it, which then makes it uncool Of course when adults try to say young slang To be cool with the kids.

No. There's something really irritating about that when it's clear that the adult doesn't get it and isn't trying to figure it out even just is just like haphazardly picking it up and throwing it around. That's cringe and that's infuriating. There are adults that can throw slang around and it works because For whatever reason they get it like they did research on it. They get it This actually goes beyond adults with kids. This can sort of happen in any scenario

It's just someone using terminology Slang if you will that isn't theirs. Like they don't get it, you know? Like there's slang terms that I don't understand, whether it's because I'm not on that corner of the internet or it's not relevant where I live, whatever it may be. And therefore, I don't use them. You know what I'm saying? Because it's like, I don't get it. I'm not in on that joke. I'm not in that club. So I don't use them. You know what I'm saying? Because it's like, I don't get it. I'm not in on that joke. I'm not in that club. So I don't use that verbage. You know what I'm saying? Now it'd be one thing if it started to click for me, it started to make sense for me, and then I started naturally using it.

But it's when someone forces themselves to talk a certain way to try to fit into a certain group. Whether it's adults trying to be like kids or whatever, that's cringe. I sound like such a bully today, but I've done all the, I've probably done all these things, so it's fine. It's like, I'm guilty too. Okay, so keep that in mind. Another example, I think extreme narcissism

is also cringe, like, you know, someone who's constantly looking in the mirror, taking selfies, speaks highly of themselves in unison with speaking horribly about others. You know, someone who never has anything constructive to say about themselves. It's always like, I'm perfect. I have nothing to fix. I'm awesome. That tends to be cringe, I think, because it's just naturally a delusional state of mind, I guess. We're all flawed. We all have work to do. We all have areas that we need to improve. And so if you're living in a state where you're like, I'm perfect, no one's better than me, I'm the princess of the universe,

like, I'm perfect, no one's better than me, I'm the princess of the universe. That's cringe because that's impossible. No one is that. So if you're aware that no one is that, then when you see someone behaving like that, you can't really take them seriously and you see them as sort of delusional and that is cringe. When someone fakes interest in something to try and bond and relate with someone else, this is cringe. You can tell when somebody doesn't really understand what you're talking about. You know, it's like if I were to go on a date with a guy and he's really into cars, guess who's not into cars? Me. I don't know shit about cars, but then I tried to be like, well, my grandpa has a

1967 Ford Mustang and I actually like worked on the worked on it once with him one summer and then the guys like did you really like oh What kind of motor does it have? You know what I mean? And then it's like awkward because it's like obviously you're faking it. That's uncomfortable. Or you know, someone's nodding and shaking their heart being like, oh yeah, no, I know, yeah, yeah, you know. And then it's clear that they don't know what you're talking about. What I think is better than that is being like, I don't know anything about this, please tell me.

You know, instead of trying to fake having something in common, which is cringe, I think it's better to be like, I'm completely unfamiliar with this world. Tap me in. Again, I think that falls under the category of just trying too hard and also lying in a way. And I think lying is cringe. Lying itself isn't maybe cringe, but then getting caught in a lie is cringe. Because it's like, oh, you tried to pull a fast one and you failed.

And that's sort of embarrassing, you know? Another cringe example, someone who tries really hard to keep up with social media trends, but they don't quite get it. You know what I mean? Like there are certain trends that I'll never try because I just don't get it. You know what I mean? Like if I tried to do it, it would be cringe because it doesn't come naturally for me. to do it, it would be cringe because it doesn't come naturally for me. I think it's cringe because it's clear that someone is forcing themselves to do something,

you know, participate in a social media trend that doesn't fit their personality. So it doesn't look right. It doesn't feel right. It's clearly forced. And it's forced in attempt to maybe go viral, maybe to feel hip and cool. But if it doesn't come naturally to you and it's not something that you'd authentically do on your own, it's clear and there's something off about it. You can feel it and that's cringe.

But even people trying to be cool is cringe. Like when somebody's standing in the corner of a party, being all moody and whatever, or even when someone posts a photo on social media and they are clearly trying to pose really cool, I probably do this all the time. It's obvious that they're trying to be cool and intimidating and moody.

And at times they can pull it off, but I'd argue most of the time it's kind of cringe. There are infinite examples of things that make me cringe in a negative way where I'm like, oh, oh no. Like, not all of these things are sinister. Not all of these things are wrong. And I actually think I've probably done a lot of these things. However, these are all things that make somebody tough to be around for me. Like, we're all human every once in a while. We might accidentally do one of these things, fair enough.

But they all fall under the category of negative cringe for me, okay? Now, what do they all have in common? Number one, their actions rooted in insecurity. I'm starting to realize that that's the root of most bad behavior. Number two, lack of humility. A lot of these things lack a sense of humility,

lack a sense of self-awareness. Number three, they're impulsive. A lot of these actions are impulsive. Like you do these things without thinking. They're not well thought out. Four, they're not authentic to oneself. They're clearly not authentic. We have this innate sense in us.

We can tell when someone's not being themselves. And we can't always pinpoint what it is, but we can feel it. And number five, out of touch, not self-aware. I mean, I kind of already said not self-aware, but I'm saying it again, making it its own number, because I think it's that significant. A lot of these are actions that people wouldn't probably do

if they reflected on themselves in their lives a little bit harder. Now let's discuss scenarios that make me cringe in a positive way. Like harmless, sweet, innocent cringe. Yeah, I'm cringing, but I still love you, okay? Someone overdressing for an event, but strutting around confidently in it.

Like, yeah, they stick out like a sore thumb. Everyone's looking at them. They look a little bit weird, but they're owning it. That makes me cringe a little bit, but because they're owning it and because they're selling it, it actually makes me respect them. Someone who's dancing horribly at a party. Like, imagine somebody standing in the corner at a party

just dancing like a freak, okay? It's weird to watch It's actually kind of uncomfortable to watch. They're in their own world. They're deep in it It's cringy to watch but they're confident in their moves They're confident in their moves and they're having a good time and they're dancing for them They're dancing because they enjoy dancing It's cringe, but again, you have to respect it like you can't Watch something like that and not feel a little bit of respect for them. Another example, when someone is interested in things that I find to be really weird. Okay, for example, let's say someone's obsessed with baby dolls and they love baby dolls so

much that when they're home alone, they eat dinner with their baby dolls and they love baby dolls so much that when they're home alone, they eat dinner with their baby dolls and they set up their baby dolls all around their table and they eat dinner with their baby dolls and they talk to them. That's a little cringe, right? Cause it's unusual to me. I hear something like that and I'm like,

ooh, what? But if somebody can talk about those things to me and show me passion about them, I might cringe a little bit, but my cringe quickly gets replaced by curiosity. And there's something endearing about someone who has a weird hobby or thing that they like. I don't know. Another example would be a couple who is inherently cringe. Like their wedding photos are just overdone over the top and it's cringe and they constantly are participating in PDA and they always post photos of each other on Instagram

But you can tell that they're doing it for them. You can tell it has nothing to do with Anyone else you can just tell you can feel in your core that they're doing it for them They're sharing it with the world because they're like we don't know what else to do We don't know any other way to live We're so passionate about each other that there's no other way for us to take wedding photos But to make them over the top there's no way for us to be in public without being all over each other Social media is about posting about your life. I don't know what else to post about. I'm just in love with my for each other. Social media is about posting about your life.

I don't know what else to post about it. I'm just in love with my significant other. You can tell when there are couples like that where it's just genuine love and obsession. And it is cringe. It's so cringe. It's like, stop you guys, this is so cringe. But also don't stop because this is actually beautiful

and rare. You guys just genuinely are this obsessed with each other. You know what? That's endearing. Enjoy it. It's making me uncomfortable, but I can't help but be on your team. I could go on all day, but I can't make an entire episode of just examples of things. All of these things do undeniably make me cringe, but it's in a benign way.

I think what all of these things have in common is that even though they're uncool, they're weird, they're uncomfortable, they're genuine, and there's confidence involved, they're not trying to be something that they're not. And so even though the action in itself is cringe, it's received in a loving way because it's rooted in somebody being their authentic self. Now, here's the ultimate question, Okay, is it possible to never be

cringe? I don't think so. I think that inevitably we are all cringe sometimes. Let's say your goal is to never be cringe. So you act a certain way. you carry yourself a certain way in order to avoid being cringe. You're trying to do the coolest, trendiest, hottest things possible in order to fit in, be cool, etc., etc. Well, I don't think that that works because a lot of times that shit is cringe. If you're trying to be something that you're not, you will end up being cringe. Majority of the negatively cringy examples I had today

were examples of people trying to be cool and it obviously not working because it's unnatural. So inevitably, if you're trying to be cool and trendy and whatever, you're gonna end up being negatively cringe sometimes, right? I think that that's inevitable. On the other hand, let's say you are dedicated to being completely yourself, quirks and all,

you're still gonna be cringe because we all have some weird shit about us, okay? That's also inevitable. However, the type of cringe that you will be is different. Based on the examples I listed today of positive cringe, if you're being completely yourself quirks and all, you're still gonna be cringe, but you're gonna be cringe in a positive way. That's the worst case scenario.

I think we all have to risk being cringe in order to be less cringe. When we're afraid of being cringe, we try too hard and then we're more cringe. If you surrender to the fact that we're all going to be cringe sometimes, but the way to be the least amount of cringe is to just be yourself quirks and all and just let it all out and you'll end up being less cringe at the end of the day. I don't know, I think it's better to be completely yourself and be cringe sometimes because it's received well. I cringe at people that I love, people that I love cringe at me, but they're cringing

at something that is love, people that I love cringe at me, but they're cringing at something that is genuinely authentically me. And if anything, it makes them love me more. And vice versa, I cringe about little quirks in people that I love. Like, oh, God, why are you doing that? But it's them though. They're confident in it. They own it. It's authentic to them. And over time, it actually becomes something that you love about the person. Does that make sense? I think when you accept that you will be cringe regardless, your fear of being cringe slowly starts to dissipate.

Now, the reason why this is great is because then you can be more confident in who you are, which will then, ironically, make you less cringe because you will be being yourself. The fear of cringe makes you more cringe. The desire to be cool and to fit in makes you cringe. The acceptance of who you are as you are, quir and all makes you cooler in less cringe. It's so interesting I think nobody's truly cool. You know, I made a whole episode about that how nobody's actually Cool, so if you want to listen to that go listen to that but everyone is cringe Some people are just better at hiding it, but they're cringe too. I don't know.

I don't know. Let me know what you think. This is all my opinion. This is all my analysis. Let me know your thoughts. You can shoot me a message on Instagram at anything goes. Follow the Instagram at anything goes. Follow my Instagram at Emma Chamberlain.

Listen to new episodes of Anything Goes Every Thursday and Sunday. Listen anywhere you stream podcasts, but watch video exclusively on Spotify. Check out my coffee company, ChamberlainCoffee.com. And that's all I have. That's all I have. Please let me know your thoughts. And hopefully I'll get to talk to you soon. Okay, love you all. Talk to you

soon. I'm gonna, I'm gonna go be positively cringe today. So I don't know what that looks like yet, but I'll figure it out. Just the fact that I have a Stanley cup two feet away from me right now is a little cringe. There's something cringe about that, but I love my Stanley cup. So, and it's authentically me that I love this stupid cup. So, maybe that's how I'll be cringed today. Who knows? Anyway, okay, I love you all, and I appreciate you all, and thank you for listening and hanging out with me.

It's always such a treat. Oh, I'll be talking to you soon. Okay, love you. Have a beautiful day. Muah. TTYL.