anything goes with emma chamberlain - disliking people

Episode Date: June 1, 2023

when i think about it, i actually dislike a lot of people. i wouldn't say i hate a lot of people, but i definitely dislike a lot of people. now, to me, there's a big difference between dislike and hate. for the sake of today's conversation, let's look at dislike as a subtle feeling that can be much more easily controlled. i've found myself wondering recently if i'm the problem. is it wrong to dislike people? i never act upon my dislike. i never treat people that i don't like badly. i keep most of those feelings inside. so in theory, it's kind of harmless because the people that we dislike often don't really know that we dislike them. but i still feel sort of guilty about it. so let’s get into it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When I think about it, and I don't know if I really like to think about it, but when I think about it, I actually dislike a lot of people. I wouldn't say I hate a lot of people, but I definitely dislike a lot of people. Now, to me, there's a big difference between dislike and hate. To me, the definition of dislike is simply a feeling of aversion or disapproval, just not being fond of someone. Whereas, the definition of hate is intense or passionate dislike. When I think of hate, I think of an extreme form of dislike. I don't know if this is necessarily perfectly correct, definition wise, but for the sake of today's conversation, I'm going to distinguish dislike and hate

by the level of intensity and the level that it impacts the person experiencing the feeling. For the sake of today's conversation, let's look at dislike as more of a subtle feeling that can be much more easily controlled. And let's look at hatred as a feeling that's much more reckless in spellbinding and intense and at times uncontrollable. Dislike is much easier to hide. You know, you can smile and wave when you dislike somebody, but when you hate somebody, it's much harder. You might be able to smile and wave, but you might also erupt.

Like, who knows? I feel like hate is much more consuming in a way. Dislike can be something that just sort of lingers in the back of your mind. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Let's get personal. You know what? Every once in a while, I like making things about me. Okay?

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today because I find dislike to be much more complex. Hatred is much easier to analyze to me. Okay. It's much easier to figure out why you hate someone. It's such a strong extreme emotion. It usually stems from a strong and extreme experience with that person, at least in my experience. It's usually very obvious why you hate someone. You're not like digging through your mind trying to figure out why you hate someone. Usually the person harmed you or they intensely challenged your beliefs or they

really, really make you jealous whereas dislike is just much more complex. Although it can stem from someone harming you or disagreeing with you or from jealousy, I find that dislike can also stem from much more subtle things, like literally just thinking someone's annoying. I find often with myself that I don't like someone and I don't actually know why at first because it's not obvious to me. Like, I have to dig deep into myself to figure out why I don't like them. And there are so many reasons why I find I don't like someone. Sometimes, I don't like people because they seem sort of fake to me. I just feel like they're not being real with me, and it makes me sort of uncomfortable. I don feel like they're not being real with me and it makes me sort of uncomfortable. I don't like being around them because I feel uneasy.

I don't feel like I'm experiencing their true self. Maybe I feel like the way that they're treating me is a certain way in order to gain something from me or have me believe something about them. There's something inauthentic about the way that they're presenting themselves to me. And I don't like that. Sometimes I don't like people

because I think their sense of humor is frustrating. Sometimes I find other people's sense of humor to be just a bummer. Do you know what I'm saying? Like just a bummer. I'm like this isn't funny or this is kind of annoying to me for some reason. Like this kind of grinds my gears for some reason. Listen, there are probably people who meet me,

who think my sense of humor fucking sucks. Great, that's fine. That's totally fine. You know, we're not always gonna see eye to eye on that in life. It's very easy to disagree on sense of humor because everybody's sense of humor is a little bit different. I tend to not like people who are really cocky

or have like a big attitude or a big ego. That's unfortunate, I don't like that. I obviously tend to dislike people who have a bad attitude towards me or a cold attitude towards me. I don't like when I feel like people are competitive with me. I tend to dislike people who have this subtle sort of competitiveness. Somebody being too nice can make me feel weird. It's all across

the board. Sometimes there's just something about their energy that I can't pin point that I just don't like. Now a lot of times people that I dislike didn't do anything wrong. They weren't super mean. They didn't hurt me. I don't hate them. I don't even necessarily feel aggravated by them. I just don't like them. This happens to me a lot. And I somewhat feel guilty about it.

Although I am able to empathize and wish well to these people that I don't like. But no matter how nice I am to them and how much I try to wish them well, I can't turn off the fact that I just don't fucking like them and it just is what it is. Now, if I just disliked 5% of the people I met, I wouldn't think much of it. But I feel like I dislike probably 40%, maybe even 50% of the people that I meet on a day-to-day basis, maybe 40%. Now, obviously, that leaves me with actually liking 60% of the people I meet, which is not too bad. But still, there's this 40% of people that I don't like. And that's a lot of people.

And I found myself recently wondering if I'm the problem. You know, is it wrong to dislike people? Especially when they didn't do anything wrong, right? Like, am I in the wrong here? Now, I never act upon my dislike, right? Majority of my feelings remain inside. You know, I never treat people that I don't like badly. I never show people that I don't like them. I hide it very well, as I think a lot of us do. You know, I know I'm not alone in this, by the way. This is not like a unique experience to me.

This is something that I know a lot of other people experience because I talk about this with my friends. I talk about this with my family. I know that this is something that is common to experience. And I know that most of us hide it really well. So in theory, it's kind of harmless because the people that we dislike don't really know that we dislike them, but I still feel sort of guilty about it. And I still ask myself frequently if I'm the problem, if it's wrong to dislike people, especially for no reason. I feel like the sort of stereotypical, positive narrative in the world is that you should love

everybody. Now, this can mean a lot of things, you know? Loving everybody can mean to truly love everyone. And in your heart, find the good in everyone and choose to see that. And only that, right? Or maybe not only that, but pretty much just that. Loving everyone could mean appreciating people for what they show you in life, whether that's directly positive or indirectly positive. So like you might love someone who beat you in your fifth grade softball game because that taught you how to be a good loser. You know what I'm saying? Even though you kind of dislike that person because they beat you,

they indirectly taught you something that was positive and so you love them for that. Or let's say your first boyfriend cheated on you. Maybe you can find love for your first boyfriend because that experience taught you a lot about your own independence. So in turn, you love that person because your experience with them taught you something valuable. I mean, I don't really know what it means to love everybody. But I feel like this is something we see posted on social media or written on a t-shirt. And it really could mean so many different things. But in a lot of ways, I think it's kind of unrealistic, right?

I think you can find appreciation for everyone in some way, but then again, like some people do some really fucked up shit to you. I don't know if you can always find love and appreciation for people. There are going to be times in life when you can't. I don't know, I feel like this sounds great in theory, but I think it's sort of a catchy headline. Like, oh, we need to love everybody. I think that statement, it's too broad to be helpful.

Do you know what I'm saying? It's too broad to be helpful. It's excluding so many potential scenarios where it's like if someone kills your dog on purpose, are you going to love that person? I don't know if you can, right? In any way, shape or form. So I don't know. Maybe I'm being too analytical about it, but regardless, this sort of idea that, you know, we should love everybody and stuff.

I think has sort of sat in the back of my head and made me feel guilty any time I've ever disliked someone. And maybe that's because I have a misunderstanding of the sentiment around loving everybody. I'm not quite sure. But I think this sort of narrative that we see floating around can make us feel bad at times for just simply disliking people because we do. What I've been really trying to figure out is whether or not it's wrong.

Like, is it wrong to not like people even if it's just in your head, is it wrong? Because I've sort of convinced myself that it might be. But I'm not so sure. So I sort of went soul searching on the internet. so sure. So I sort of went soul searching on the internet. If that's even possible, to go soul searching on the internet. I don't know. See, like, that seems a little bit ironic to me, right? If anything, soul searching happens everywhere but on the internet, but I did do some research. I started out by researching why we dislike people and I found a handful of reasons. It could stem from bad social experiences in your past. It could stem from trust issues. Both of those things being prevalent in almost everyone's life, right? I think everyone has had bad social experiences,

and I think almost everyone has some form of trust issues. It's impossible to go through your whole life and never get burned, never get fucked over. And every time we have an experience where we get burned or we get fucked over, it's almost like we become a little bit more sensitive and a little bit more keen and a little bit more aware. And when we're out in the world,

looking for friends, looking for potential significant others, we're trying to find somebody who doesn't set off our signals. We're trying to find somebody who doesn't set off our signals. We're trying to find somebody who doesn't remind us in some way of who burned us in the past. It's like we have muscle memory in a way. But I guess the more bad experiences you've had with people, the more sensitive you're going to be when it comes to going out in the world and finding new people because the likelihood that someone's going to trigger a memory or a feeling that you once got from someone who hurt you is higher because you've had so many more muscle memory, you know? I think that this could definitely be a part of why I dislike a lot of people. I definitely have a decent amount of muscle memory, you know? As most of us do, and at times my muscle memory can misread a situation, I can pick up on

something that reminds me of a bad memory without me even realizing it and then be like, I don't want to, like, I don't like that person. And I might not even realize it at the time. I might never realize it why that specific person just rubbed me the wrong way and I just didn't like them. So that's an interesting reason. I also read that hyper-awareness of the bigger picture

in life can make it harder to find people you like. Because chances are you're not entertained or stimulated by small talk or material conversations, which are the type of conversations that are the most comfortable to have. It's not very comfortable to meet someone and then right off the bat, like start talking about deep stuff. I mean, listen, every once in a while you'll get two people in a room who have that ability to just open up that can of worms immediately. But for the most part, a lot of us feel more comfortable starting out conversations with strangers in a way that's low risk, you know, small talk, material conversations. It's just easy. And if you're someone who sees the bigger picture in life, then you're gonna

immediately be bored by new people. 99% of the time because most people who are coming up to you and talking to you for the first time are not gonna bring up anything people who are coming up to you and talking to you for the first time are not gonna bring up anything mentally stimulating. They're probably gonna bring up some boring surface level shit because that's what's comfortable and easy to do. I don't think that this one applies to me personally

because I definitely would say I'm aware of the bigger picture in life and that's something that I focus on frequently and discuss frequently with my close friends and family, but at the same time, I understand that it's uncomfortable meeting a stranger. There are gonna be times when someone meets me and they don't feel comfortable talking about

deeper topics or more mentally stimulating topics right off the bat. That totally makes sense to me so I feel like I have a level of patience there So that one didn't really apply to me, but it might apply to you listening. So we're mentioning it I also read that a lot of people have unrealistic expectations about others. I've actually made a podcast episode about this having about others. I've actually made a podcast episode about this having unrealistically high expectations for people. You know, if you're expecting everyone you meet to have the same interests as you be as outgoing as you have the same sense of humor as you, like if you're expecting those type of things out of others, you're always going to end up disappointed.

of things out of others, you're always going to end up disappointed. The problem is a lot of times we set those types of expectations subconsciously. And to be honest, I think I'm guilty of this at times, although I'm not sure if I'm able to turn it off. But at the same time, I don't mind when somebody has different interests to me, difference as a humor. Sometimes those things can end up not being ideal for me. Like sometimes those are traits that make me dislike somebody, but sometimes they're traits that don't really matter to me. So I guess it just depends. I also read that you might dislike a lot of people

if you dislike yourself. Now, this one was uncomfortable for me to reflect upon because I think that there is probably some truth there. I mean, for me, you know, I think there's, I mean, obviously there's truth there in general, but for me personally, I also think that there might be some truth there. I really confuse myself because in a lot of ways I do dislike myself, but I also

appreciate myself in a lot of ways. I don't know. I have a really cloudy sort of understanding of how I feel about myself. And so I'm not really properly able to pinpoint if this is an issue because there are times when I appreciate myself, but there are also times when I loathe myself or I feel like I mean, in posture, like I have in posture syndrome, I feel like I don't deserve things. I feel like, you know, a cheater, even when I didn't cheat at anything, you know, that's kind of what imposter syndrome is. But yet there are also times that I appreciate. I don't know. So I don't know. But I think there are definitely things that I dislike about myself. I'm insecure about, et cetera. And I think that that probably applies to 10% of the people that I just dislike for no reason.

Maybe somebody triggers a little bit of jealousy in me, just a little bit, maybe a lot. And so I dislike them, because I'm a little jealous of them. That's definitely happened. That definitely happens. I usually can tell though, when I don't like somebody,

because I'm jealous of them for some reason, and I'm able to sort of turn that one off. I hate admitting it to myself, but I feel like I'm pretty good about turning that one off. I can't always, though. I also read that feeling like you can't be yourself around others can make you dislike people because it makes you uncomfortable when you feel like you can't be yourself. And it might not necessarily be the other person's fault that for whatever reason you don't

feel safe to express yourself. But anytime you have to stifle your personality or hide your personality or change your personality even, you're likely going to resent the people who made you feel that way because they put you into an uncomfortable position. Whether they did it deliberately or not, I've definitely felt intimidated by people or judged by people in a way that made me feel like I need to alter my personality in some way and that always upsets me. I also read that you might dislike people just because you're easily irritated. You're somebody who's just simply easily irritated or you just believe all people are

bad. Some people go through life believing that all people are bad. Sort of like guilty until proven innocent. I'm not sure if I'm easily irritated. I think internally I might be. At times, never externally. You can never tell. But I think internally I can get irritated pretty easily. But it also depends on my mood. but I think internally I can get irritated pretty easily.

But it also depends on my mood because I can also be incredibly patient. See, I am really patient actually. I am pretty patient, but if I'm tired or I'm exhausted, yeah, I'm gonna get irritated easily, I'll hide it, but I guess that one's kind of 50, 50. I definitely don't believe all people are bad. I actually tend to assume the best in people

and then get disappointed. I would say that's probably what happens to me more often. So I don't know if that one applies to me. The last thing I read about was interversion, being an introvert. If you have an introverted personality type, you feel drained by excessive interactions with people and the mental stimulation that it requires to be social. And that sort of exhaustion can cause you to dislike a lot of people because

you to just dislike a lot of people because it sort of goes against your nature to be social all the time. And so your tendency to get exhausted socially can lead you to frustration easily with people, even if they're cool or nice or whatever, you might end up disliking them just because you're introverted. This was really fascinating to me because I've never really been able to figure out if I'm an introvert or an extrovert, if you're extroverted, it means you actually feel drained when you're alone and you gain energy and recharge by being social. If you're introverted, it's the opposite. You

know, you recharge when you're alone and you sort of lose energy when you're being too social. I've never been able to figure out which one I am because I feel like both are true for me. But more often, I feel like I recharge when I'm alone and I feel drained from hanging out with people. But when I'm out being social, like, I can enjoy myself sometimes. And I can be outgoing and whatever. I've always been very confused by it, so I took a test.

And apparently, I'm something called an ambivert Which means I am not an introvert or an extrovert. I experience both Which I would say is pretty accurate, but the test I took also said that I'm leaning more towards being introverted which was also what I expected so that could kind of explain why I dislike a lot of people because for the most part, I'm introverted. And after doing that research and sort of having an understanding of why I might be disliking people

and why we as humans dislike people in general, I started to look into the morality of disliking people. Like, is it morally wrong to dislike people? And what was really interesting was, I did not find a lot of answers. I did not find a lot of answers. I did not find a lot of articles about this topic. But I did find one by the Harvard Crimson.

Here are the key takeaways from the article. The article was actually in support of disliking people and even hating people, which kind of blew my mind. I was like, wow, this is a really reputable website, I feel. I mean, this article is by the Harvard Crimson, which is like, I guess, Harvard, the very prestigious colleges, like I guess Harvard, the very prestigious colleges, daily news letter. Listen, I mean, technically it was an opinion piece, so we'll take with that what we will, but this article was in support of disliking people and even hating people, so that was shocking. This

person writes that there are three main reasons to dislike or even hate. Number one, to demonstrate moral awareness. Two, to make life more interesting. And number three, people actually deserve it sometimes. This actually makes a lot of sense to me. A lot of times disliking people and sharing that dislike with maybe your close friends or family sort of shows what you don't align with in a person. I also do think disliking people is interesting. It would be boring to like everyone. It would be so boring.

Like, what would be the point of having friends? How do you even figure out who your friends are if you just kind of liked everyone? It's what separates one person to the next. In order to like and even love someone, you need to know what it feels like to dislike and even hate someone, you need to know what it feels like to dislike and even hate someone, right? It also is a topic of conversation that can be interesting.

You know, when you dislike somebody, you might call your best friend and analyze their personality for an hour and not feel bored for a second. I can't tell you how often I do that. I do that all the time. You know what I'm saying? It does make life kind of interesting. And also, it is true that sometimes people do deserve to not be liked. I mean, I probably deserve to not be liked at times. It's fair for people to not like me. It sucks. I prefer it not to happen. I do what I can to avoid it. But some people might find me annoying.

Actually, no, I'm not gonna say some people might. Some people do find me annoying. Some people might have met me on a bad day when I was maybe in a cold mood or I was upset and I was withdrawn and I didn't wanna be social. Like, you know, there are valid reasons out there for people to not like me and that's okay. But also, there are valid reasons out there for people to not like me, and that's okay.

But also, there are other people out there who maybe somewhat deserve to not be liked either. Like, I think it's fair. I think it is fair to an extent. I guess in this article, I also read that disliking people is sort of a sign that you're observant. I also think that thatiking people is sort of a sign that you're observant. I also think that that's kind of true. I mean, if you don't see red flags in anyone,

you don't pick up on bad energy in anyone, you're sort of down to hang with whoever. That's not necessarily the worst way to live your life, right? But there is a good chance that you're gonna get burned at some point because you might be missing something because the truth is not everyone is great. If you don't have this sort of guttural feeling of dislike for people sometimes,

then what's gonna sort of stop you from spending time with someone who maybe is bad news. Do you know what I'm saying? It's like in order to protect yourself from spending time with people who don't deserve it, even if it's just for a vague reason. It's like you almost have to feel disliked in order to protect yourself in a way. It's sort of a protection mechanism that only works if you're observant. And so that seemed fair to me too. That made a lot of sense to me too. This article also talked about how it's important to have people in your life that you dislike because it sets up contrasts with those who we really love and respect. As I mentioned earlier, it's almost like you can't experience love and respect without

feeling dislike and hatred somewhere else in your life. If you just loved and respected everyone, then it wouldn't be special when you felt love and respect. Those feelings have to be earned. And there's no sense of earning it if everyone gets that from you. So that was also kind of interesting. The last point from this article basically just explains how it's better to hate privately. Smile tolerantly in public.

Give fake hellos. Keep your dislike inside. And if you're able to do it that way, this article argues that it's healthy, harmless, and a whole lot of fun, which is like a crazy thing to say. I mean, listen, this was an opinion piece. This is someone else's opinion. But it resonated with me because

everything that was stated made me feel good about my dislike for people. And sort of made me feel like it wasn't wrong. And that's a relief to me because I've never really been able to turn it off. But yet I felt this sort of guilt about it that kind of came from nowhere. I mean, as I mentioned earlier, I think it's sort of from this narrative that we hear floating around growing up about how we're supposed to love everybody.

And, you know, some kids probably don't take that too literally. Other kids do. And I think maybe I was one of the kids that just took it too literally and was like, well, God, am I bad if I don't like someone? And that's sort of just stuck with me for years. And this was the specific article that resonated with me the most. But if you just Google, is it wrong to dislike people? The recommended result says, it's absolutely normal to dislike people or have negative feelings about them. Disliking, spending time with others, or just generally preferring to be alone, can be signs of personality traits like introversion.

However, feelings of constant, pervasive, and intense hatred for others may be a sign of something more serious. If your hatred is causing distress, to isolation and negatively affecting your mental well-being, it's important to take a closer look at the causes and consider talking to a mental health professional. Yeah, thank you verywellmind.com because that was very well put for me. I think that this really brings this conversation to a conclusion here. I mean, I think it is morally okay to dislike

people. I think it's human to dislike people. And I think in a lot of ways, it's incredibly necessary. I don't think it's possible to not dislike people. And I don't think that's even something that needs to be strived for. As long as you're treating others with kindness and respect, and as much empathy as you possibly can, dislike them all you want. That's kind of a conclusion I'm coming to. I think it's when your dislike is causing pain to yourself or others that it becomes an issue. You know, if your mind is tortured by negative thoughts towards people, yeah, that's a sign that something's off balance. That's a sign that there's something deeper going on that needs to be resolved. But just innocently disliking people here and there, I don't think

it's a problem. And you know what? That is exciting to me because this has bothered me for a long time now. This question of whether or not it was wrong. And my conclusion today is that it's not. And so what I'm thrilled about is my new life disliking people in peace for once, because I've been disliking people and then feeling guilty about it for years. And I've been disliking people and feeling like on the problem for years. When, yeah, there are maybe times when I am the problem because somebody makes me jealous, or somebody makes me feel competitive, or somebody intimidates me even though they don't mean to. In a way that makes me feel like I can't be myself even though they don't mean to, in a way that makes me feel like I can't be myself. Or maybe somebody catches me at the wrong time and I'm socially drained and

need to go recharge by myself. There are going to be times when I'm the reason why I dislike someone. But I'm always going to handle it with kindness, as much as I can. And I'm always going to give people a second chance when I think they deserve it. And I'm always going to give people a second chance when I think they deserve it. But I'm not going to invalidate my feelings anymore. I'm going to let myself dislike people. Now, hatred is a whole other story. Maybe we'll discuss hatred another day,

but that's a topic for a whole other day. Well, I need to go dislike people out in the world now. So that's what I'm going to go do. I'm excited. I don't know who's next, who my next victim is. They won't know it. They won't know how I feel. But inside, I will know. I'm kidding. Well, I'm actually, I am kidding because I'm not, I'm kind of hoping I don't have any sort of social interaction for the next 48 hours and I think that that's actually going

to happen for me. So I'm actually looking forward to that instead. But anyway, thank you all for listening and hanging out. As always, let me know what you thought of this topic. You can tweet me at a G podcast or send me a message on Instagram at anything goes. Or you can message me at Emma Chamberlain if you want. You can check out my coffee company, Chamberlain Coffee. Use code AG15 for a little discount on ChamberlainCoffee.com. You can tune in to new episodes of anything goes every Thursday and Sunday, where I talk about more stuff.

And as much as I just talked about how I dislike everyone, I do really love and appreciate all of you. I mean, listen, there's a chance that we might meet each other and dislike each other. There's a chance you might meet me in person and be like, oh, her energy sucks. I actually dislike her. And you know what? That's okay. But as far as I know, I really do love and appreciate all of you. And I can't thank you enough for listening and tuning in. Until next time, have a beautiful day and keep being awesome. I'll talk to you later. Bye. This episode is brought to you by the all-new

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