anything goes with emma chamberlain - existential crisis

Episode Date: November 18, 2021

alright, not gonna lie, this one gets a little deep. i’ve been going through some shit, and it’s been tough. ever feel like you’re not sure what your purpose is? or what we’re all doing here? or what the meaning of everything is? you’re not alone if you have. i had a bit of an existential crisis, but it’s really helped to put things into perspective for me. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

We're getting emo today guys and I'm scared. I took a little break from being emo on this podcast to talk about things that are lighthearted, such as, you know, what to buy your family for Christmas or, I don't know, other stuff that just isn't that deep. Just because I can't always talk about deep stuff or else it sends me into orbit. just because I can't always talk about deep stuff or else it sends me into orbit.

Like, I can't talk about deep stuff all the time. Sometimes I just wanna talk about stupid, dumb, surface level things. And sometimes that's necessary, you know what I mean? You can't always talk about deep stuff. Sometimes you need to talk about stuff that doesn't matter that is just kind of fun. And so that's what I've been doing

for the past few episodes. But we're getting back into the thick of it today. We're getting a little bit emotional. We're getting a little bit emo. And hopefully it's fun. Okay, it's actually not gonna be fun, but hopefully it's impactful in some way. So yesterday, in the day before that,

I had kind of an existential crisis. And a lot of people use that word as an exaggeration, but I actually had an existential crisis for the past two days. And let me tell you, it's not comfortable and it's not fun. I'll read to you the definition of an existential crisis just in case you don't know what that is. An existential crisis refers to feelings of unease about meaning, choice, and freedom in life. An existential crisis also known as existential dread are moments when individuals question whether their lives have meaning, purpose, or value, and are negatively impacted by contemplation.

So an existential crisis can happen to you no matter who you are. And I'm pretty sure it can happen to you whether you struggle with depression or not, but as somebody who struggles with depression actively, occasionally when I'm having a little depressive episode, it'll turn into an existential crisis. I've recently found myself really trying to figure out what the reason of life is. And I know that that sounds really morbid and dark. And in a way, it is. But I know that I'm not the only one that struggles with this sometimes. And I think it's really important to talk about. For me, I have moments in my life where it feels like nothing is fun. Everything feels like work, everything feels like a chore, whether that's getting work

done or being social or doing my chores around the house. Like there are moments in life when everything feels difficult, everything feels excruciating, and it feels like nothing is fun. And whenever I get into a phase of life where that happens, and it's just all work in no play for too long, I end up having an existential crisis because I just start to feel like, okay, what's the point of life if all I'm doing

is just making it to the next day, just surviving until the next day, you know what I mean? And just working away on stuff, just passing by, right? Like just like getting by, turning everything in that I need to get done on time, hanging out with people that I made commitments to weeks prior, even though in the present moment, the last thing I wanna do is be social,

keeping my house just tidy enough, showering just often enough, like just getting by. When I have phases like that, it makes me wonder, what is the point of life if it just feels like all I'm doing is just surviving? Like I'm not living, I feel like I'm just surviving and I'm just kind of floating by and just not even, I'm not present, I don't feel excited about anything,

I don't feel exhilarated by anything, I just feel like I'm not present, I don't feel excited about anything, I don't feel exhilarated by anything. I just feel like I'm in autopilot and I'm just a robot. I think that for me personally, what gets me into a cycle of just living in autopilot and just doing the bare minimum to get by. I think what gets me into that type of cycle is when my anxiety is acting up a little bit and I'll explain why. When my anxiety is really bad, I don't want to see people, I don't want to be around people,

I don't want to do things that are fun because my anxiety will convince me that those fun activities will somehow like harm me in some way, which I don't even know how that makes sense, but like my subconscious mind will do it. So I don't know how to explain it because I don't even get it. Like I don't know why my brain convinces me that, but I end up just only doing the bare minimum to survive because doing anything extra will give me anxiety. And so I just fall into a pattern of just like isolating myself and just being a robot.

And when that goes on for too long, I'll usually hit kind of a depressive episode. And it's because I just hit a wall, you know what I mean? I hit a wall where something will trigger me and I'll just be like, fuck, and I like wake up for a second. And then I get so depressed because I'm like, I'm not even living life to the fullest. I'm literally living life like a fucking robot.

You know, like, what is the point of this? What is the point of life if I'm not living it to the fullest? And then that gives me anxiety because I'm like, okay, I need to do more shit with my life, right? Because I'm not living life to the fullest. I'm not having fun and, you know, this sucks, right? I need to do more stuff But then I think about doing stuff and then that makes me more anxious cuz I'm like, but I don't want to do stuff I don't want to hang out with people. Sorry. I don't want to be around anybody. I don't want to

fucking like Sit down at my drum set and play drums. I don't wanna, you know, go to a party. Like, I don't wanna do that shit. I get caught in this dilemma where I'm like, okay, on one hand, my life sucks right now because I'm an autopilot and I'm just doing the bare minimum to get by and I need to do more fun stuff with my life.

But then on the other hand, when I think about actually doing fun stuff, quote unquote, the thought of that gives me anxiety and it stresses me out and I'm tired just thinking about it. So I'm like, okay, where, you know, what the fuck, right? And then I get into this spiral because I feel like there's no direction that I can go that will make me feel good. And I feel trapped in my life and I feel trapped existing in a way. And then I'll have a meltdown listen, we're human. We melt down sometimes. I'll have a meltdown about this and just feel like what the fuck is the point of being a human being on this planet, you know like

life is just working with moments Shall I say fleeting moments of joy in between you know majority of our lives as human beings are spent Doing upkeep if you will, you know, getting our work done, cleaning our house, you know, showering, exercising, doing, you know, things that are necessary to keep us alive and like, in a decent spot.

And then in between that, there are short,eting moments of joy where you might do something fun. You might go to a concert, you might go shopping with your friends, you might go get lunch with your family, like you know, stuff like that that are enjoyable. But majority of the time in life, it's work. You're working. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. I actually think that, you know, when I'm in a good mental spot myself, like the work part of life is not necessarily miserable, like it's not always miserable. It's only miserable if there aren't moments of joy in between to look forward to. I don't mind working. Like I like doing mindless work and getting things done, you know what I mean? Like, that makes me feel good.

As long as I know that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, I get to, you know, go and do something fun at the end of the week or something like that. Like, that's what keeps me going. But if I don't have anything to be excited about, or I'm too anxious to participate in things that are, quote unquote, fun, that's when I get into a little predicament,

that's when things shit hits the fan, you see what I'm saying? And I know you might be thinking, Emma, you need to go to a fucking therapist. I, listen, the thing is, is that with mental health struggles, with depression, all of that, sometimes you just have to get through it.

And that's kind of what I wanted to talk about with this, right? Like last night, you know, when I had this existential crisis where I was like, okay, my life is not rich with experiences and it's not fulfilling me, right? Yet things that would fulfill me will take too much energy for me to participate in. When I was in that predicament last night, I felt like there was no direction I could go and there was no solution. And in that moment, the only solution was to lay in bed, watch mindless TV, and wait until I had the energy to figure out a solution.

In that moment, I was like, I can't come up with a solution right now. I don't know what to do. And my brain was spiraling out of control. It was going to a rational places. It was feeling like life had no purpose. You know, it sent me into an existential crisis being like, what is even the meaning of life? You know what I mean? Like everything just feels pointless, you know what I mean?

And I got to that spot and I was like, I don't know what to do. You know, and I felt trapped. But what I really learned was number one, I can't, when you get to that spot, there's nothing you can do except for wait for it to pass. And that's a hard pill to swallow, you know. When you're in that headspace, you're like, I just need to get out of this now. And you might force yourself to try and do something productive or like do something whatever to try to get yourself out of it, but that'll just send you deeper into the spiral sometimes and you just need to let it pass.

And so I let it pass and I sat in the pain of that feeling. I sat in the pain of that feeling and I fucking let myself cry and I let myself feel like shit for hours. But eventually it passed. And when it did, I was able to see the whole situation more clearly. And it really did get me thinking like on a day to day basis, the way that you look at your life is probably in a very intimate way. And everything feels so big, right? Like something as small as scraping your car door on a bush might feel like the end

of the world on a day-to-day basis. Or like your friend's birthday party, right? Might seem like the biggest event of the year when you're in the moment. You know what I mean? Like in the moment, shit feels so much bigger and more important. And at times we tend to get wrapped up in that.

We tend to get wrapped up in the moment and wrapped up in the day to day. And we're not looking at the bigger picture of life, which is that we have a lot of time on this planet. And not only that, but being on this planet and being a human being is not easy. You know what I mean? There are gonna be moments when shit sucks.

There are gonna be long periods of time when shit sucks. You might feel like shit for months sometimes. But there are also going to be moments throughout your life where you feel incredible in your on top of the world and everything is great and everything is in place and shit's rocking. It's just fun, you know, there are going to be phases throughout your life good and bad and That's just simply the human condition When you look at the bigger picture Okay, there are gonna be really shitty moments, but they're gonna make the really good moments extra good

When you look at it like that, you know, you can comfort yourself and be like, you know, it's fine, like, yes shit sucks right now. But I have confidence that things are gonna be good again one day and this moment of pain will really, really force me to appreciate the next time I have a fun, exciting good phase of my life. You know, when you are in a rational headspace,

you can see life in that way. But when you're in the thick of a depressive episode, or an existential crisis, you're looking at life with tunnel vision. You're not looking at it from a bird's eye view. You're looking at it, everything feels so big. Everything feels like the end of the world, you know? And like, you're not able to think rationally.

And unfortunately, I don't know if there's a way to comfort yourself in that moment, in any other way, but to just push through that feeling and ride the wave, wait for it to pass, wait for your brain to return to a more rational state so that then you can look at life in a broader light and you can see, okay, this is just a part of being a human. There are going to be these shitty moments when I'm just an autopilot and everything sucks and I'm anxious and I'm depressed. But also, there are going

to be moments when shit's good again and that's going to be great. But the other thing that I learned about having an existential crisis is that having an existential crisis is not necessarily a negative thing, okay? Because let's really dig into, you know, an existential crisis. What is it, right? It's questioning the meaning of life. And the meaning of life, for some people, is very obvious. Like, you know, I want to help save an endangered animal or my meaning of life is to start a family or, you know, whatever everybody has a different meaning of life, right? In a purpose. Some people throughout their life will always feel like they have a meaning in a purpose.

But some of us will have moments throughout our life where we don't know what our purpose is. We don't know what our meaning of life is. And I have moments sometimes where I'm like, I don't really know what my purpose is. And an existential crisis will force you to kind of think about that and be like, why am I on this planet? What do I want to do? And that's actually not a terrible wake-up call

to have. Let me tell you, it is so incredibly painful in the moment when you're dealing with this feeling of meaninglessness, right? But it does force you to check in with yourself and be like, hey, okay, wait, where can I find meaning in my life that I'm not right now? You know, what do I need to implement into my life when I have the energy to give me meaning again and to make me feel like I have a purpose, you know? I honestly think that experiencing a sort of

an existential crisis is almost like your subconscious brain crying for help being like we need to switch shit up something needs to change we need to implement something into our lives that we don't have in our lives right now or we need to remove something from our lives that sucking our energy and sucking our joy from us. It's like your subconscious mind screaming for help. Now, for me, I don't exactly know why I've been dealing with these existential crises, right? Like, I don't exactly know yet.

And I've been kind of brainstorming it, journaling about it, trying to figure it out. I don't know what it is yet. And that's okay. I'm at a place now where I'm in a more rational headspace and I can be like, you know what? I don't know what it is yet. And that's okay. I'm at a place now where I'm in a more rational headspace and I can be like, you know what? I don't know what it is yet, but I'm gonna figure it out and it's gonna be fine.

I'm just gonna be patient in the meantime. But I wanna also talk about how, dealing with a sort of existential crisis or even a depressive episode can make you feel kind of crazy sometimes. You know, even talking about it to you right now, I feel kind of crazy, right? I feel like the place that my brain went was irrational and it was extreme, you know, and it was very heavily emotional, right?

And I felt kind of ashamed of it. I was like, ah, fuck, like, what the fuck is wrong with me? Like, why, why does my brain do this sometimes? You know, like, why, why do I end up here? You know, like, how do I get here? Like, how did my brain spiral itself into this full chaos mode when nothing is really that wrong with my life?

My life is actually really great. Why did I get here? You know, is there something really wrong with me? Like, am I like really fucked up in the head or something like, what's wrong with me? But I am I like really fucked up in the head or something? Like, what's wrong with me? But I talked about it with my dad and he was like, no, like this is a normal part of being a human, you know? I feel like having an outburst like that is your brain trying to tell you something.

And listen, that's not a scientific thing. I just feel like that, you know what I mean? Whenever I have these like meltdowns or whatever, I always come out the other side with like a huge realization that I needed to have. But it's almost like in order to have these really impactful realizations, my brain has to inflict extreme emotion and pain on to me

to get my attention so that I'll address what I need to address. And I think that that's really common. I think a lot of people deal with that. And I just, I wanna tell you, you know, like, having a sort of meltdown or existential crisis doesn't make you crazy. It doesn't make you a burden to anybody in your life. If you know, you decide to share your issues with someone else, like, it doesn't make you

a burden. It doesn't make you crazy. It literally just makes you human. And that's, and it's, there's nothing wrong with having a really emotional reaction in life. Even if it's irrational, it's sometimes extremely necessary in order to have a growth spurt, you know what I mean? Mentally, I really do think that.

So listen, here's my closing statement. If you find yourself in a depressive episode, specifically in existential crisis, ride through the feeling, let yourself cry, let yourself feel frustrated and angry, let yourself feel the pain, but know that it's going to pass. And when it does, you're going to see things in a clearer light. You're going to see that life is filled with ups and downs. And life is filled with moments where your purpose is clear, and life is also filled with moments where your purpose is yet to be discovered. And when you have an existential crisis, it's going to force you to try to figure out what's missing.

It's gonna force you to figure out where you can find purpose. And it's not gonna happen overnight, but that's okay, because it will come when it's ready. And last but not least, an existential crisis should remind you that nothing is that serious, okay? Listen, we're a bunch of fucking bundles of cells and water that are walking around on a floating rock. Nothing is that deep.

Nothing is that deep. It's just, you know, when you look at life like that, in an existential crisis, we'll definitely make you look at life like that. On one hand, it can be a negative thing because you're like, well, what's the point? What's the point of being a human being? Like, what are we even doing here? Like, we're all just fucking on this floating rock. Why? Why?

What? Why? Right? On one hand, when you're in the thick of an existential crisis, you'll look at life like that. But then, once you're in a more rational headspace, you can look at the concept of human life and think that's actually comforting. There are billions of people on this planet and we're all just on this rock. We don't even know for all we know we could be fucking inside of a video game and this is all a simulation and it doesn't matter. Listen, I know that's probably not true. I don't fucking know. But also, we don't know.

You know, we don't know. We don't know. And like, everybody loves to say, like, no, nobody knows, first certain, you know. What's behind all of this? What's behind humankind? Like, we don't know. It might be nothing, and it might be something that we couldn't even comprehend if we tried.

You know, we as humans only know so much. I sound a little cookie now, but you also have to understand that I'm not. What I'm saying is true, okay? So don't fucking look at me like I'm a crazy idiot. You get what I'm saying? Like we don't really know what's going on and why we're here and how we really got here. We don't really know what's going on and why we're here and how we really got here. We don't know anything for certain. We don't know what happens when we fall asleep, we don't know what happens when we die. We don't know any of that for certain.

You know, and in the middle of an existential crisis, the thought of that can be so incredibly daunting. But in a more rational head space, that thought should be comforting, especially for those of you who have anxiety like me. When I remind myself, okay, this is all not that fucking serious. We are bundles of cells on a rock floating in space. And most of the shit that we're stressed about on a day-to-day basis doesn't matter. And it isn't that serious. The point of living life is going to be different for everybody. But at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter. We're here, okay? So let's just make it fun.

Don't take life so seriously. Don't stress about the fucking small stuff. The world is so large and there's so much going on and there are so many different people living so many different types of lives. Focus on yours and focus on making it the most fulfilling experience that you can. That's all you can do. I think that a lot of people my age around 20 years old experience at least one existential crisis at some point because it's kind of a natural reaction to growing up. You go from being a child where you live with this kind of blissful ignorance, right?

You don't have the life experience and the intelligence yet to start to question things, you know, you just kind of are going with the flow because that's all you know how to do when you're a kid. But then, you know, you get a little older and you start to have to live real life. And you start to find out about the scary shit, you know, like, oh fuck, I have to pay taxes Oh fuck I need to get a job. Oh fuck

Life isn't fair sometimes. Oh fuck Human life is a very precious thing yet nobody really knows How or why we were created exactly to a tea nobody really knows It's kind of this like mystery. And you start to look at life in a more realistic way. And that can be really uncomfortable. Living in blissful ignorance as a kid is so easy.

But there's a lot of great things about growing up and starting to become smarter and more aware of what the world really is, what life really is. In some ways, it would be amazing if we just spent our whole lives in youthful, blissful ignorance. You know, it would be kind of amazing, but at the same time, with maturity comes wisdom, and in a way a deeper appreciation for things.

You know, I think that when you become an adult, and you start to see the world in a more realistic light, although it makes the shitty stuff and the confusing stuff more shitty and more confusing, it also makes the beautiful things and the amazing things even more amazing and even more beautiful. Like when you're a kid, you just, I don't think that you can fully appreciate things like you can when you're an adult. And that's a really beautiful thing. As an adult, you can appreciate friendships and relationships.

Ten times more than you can when you're a kid. You appreciate art and music even more when you're an adult. You know, you appreciate people in your life that like make your life better. You know, you appreciate things like vacation, you know, so much more. I don't know. I think that being an adult comes with really, really great things and really, really, really hard things. Anyway, that's what I've been dealing with. Hopefully, that was coherent. Every single time I record an episode at the end, I'm like, let's just hope that something that I said makes sense.

I really end every episode. That one is the one that didn't make sense. All the past ones that I wondered about, do these make sense? All those were fine, but this is going to be the one that doesn't make any fucking sense. Anyway, we'll see. Let me know. But if you guys are dealing with the same thing, just know you're not alone.

It's fucking tough. It's uncomfortable, but we're in this together. And I think it's just a part of growing up. I really do. My dad told me that. And so if my dad said that, then I'm like, oh, okay, then it's probably true. Because he's never been wrong before. He hasn't been wrong yet.

So that's all I got. I hope that you guys enjoyed. I hope that you guys found comfort in this in some way. And I really appreciate you listening. It means a lot to me. I appreciate you guys leaving reviews on anything goes. That also means the world to me. You can subscribe to anything goes on any platform that you stream podcasts and you can

follow the Twitter at AG podcast for updates and to participate in the episode every once in a while. Thank you guys for listening. I appreciate you guys a lot and I'll talk to you soon. And I'll talk to you soon.