anything goes with emma chamberlain - friendship is complicated, advice session
Episode Date: November 17, 2024hello and welcome back to advice session. today we are revisiting a topic that we have discussed before: friendship. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices...
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Hello and welcome back to Advice Session, a series here on Anything Goes where you send in your current dilemmas
or anything that you want advice on and I give you my unprofessional advice.
And today we are revisiting a topic, a topic that we've discussed before, the topic of friendship.
And I feel like the topic of friendship is bountiful. There's never ending conversations to have about friendship
because friendship is complicated.
It's constantly in flux.
We're constantly making new friends,
cutting off other friends,
dreaming to have a larger friend group,
kind of wishing we could scale down the friend group.
Like we're constantly evolving our social circle.
And because of that,
it's this bottomless pit of conversation.
What a beautiful thing that is.
Without further ado, let's begin.
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Somebody said,
how do I find the balance between asking others
to make plans and expecting others to ask me?
That is a great question because ideally,
you don't have to strike a balance.
It just sort of happens naturally.
When the stars are aligned for whatever reason,
this is not even a thought that crosses your mind.
You know, it's kind of a beautiful thing
when a friendship is so locked in
that you don't even have to play the game.
And honestly, I think that's ideal.
Same thing with romantic relationships. Ideally, we find somebody that we don't have to play the game. And honestly, I think that's ideal. Same thing with romantic relationships.
Ideally, we find somebody that we don't have
to play the game with.
We're not sort of being like,
well, they asked me last time, so I guess I asked this time.
Ideally, we're finding somebody that allows us
to be intuitive in our friendship.
Like, oh, I'm gonna go shopping.
Maybe I should invite so-and-so.
Like, oh, I'm gonna go shopping.
Uh, maybe I should invite so-and-so.
You know, ideally, we're finding somebody who invites us
to think of them in a way that's just genuine.
You know what I'm saying? Like, ideally,
we don't have to play the game.
However, in the beginning of a friendship,
everybody's kind of on their best behavior,
and, you know, you don't want to seem cling clingy but you also don't want to put in no effort
because then the other person will think that you don't care. So there is an
element of playing the game right? Even in the most authentic genuine friendships
and relationships where there's no games being played, a lot of times it started
with some games because I don't know you're trying to make a good impression,
and so, you know, fair enough.
Honestly, I don't know if this is even good advice,
but I am somebody who tries to match the level of effort
of the person that I want to be friends with,
or the person that I am friends with.
I mean, I prefer to be friends with people
that make me feel safe enough to just, like,
I don't know, like, invite them to stuff,
like, five times in a row,
and then they invite me to stuff five times in a row,
and then I invite them to 20 things,
and then they invite me to one,
and then I invite them to three, and it doesn't matter.
We're not keeping track, we're not playing a game.
I prefer to be in those types of friendships and relationships. So I'm more referring to my experience in friendships
or relationships in the beginning stages when we haven't gotten to that level of comfortability
yet. I try to match the level of effort. Okay. And sometimes if I'm really trying to win
this person over, I'll maybe put in like 25% more effort than they are. But what I've noticed is a lot of times you can tell
if somebody wants to hang, you know?
If somebody wants to hang out, the hangout will happen.
So I think in order to find balance,
pay attention to the sort of baseline that's created.
Like, are you the only one asking to hang out?
Are they the only one asking to hang out? Okay, now seek balance. If you're the only one asking to hang out? Are they the only one asking to hang out?
Okay, now seek balance.
If you're the only one asking to hang out or you're the one who's asking to hang out
more often, maybe step back a little bit and see what they do.
If they're the one that's always asking to hang out, that should be your invitation to
start asking them to hang out, start putting in the effort.
I think finding balance comes down to paying
attention to the patterns that just naturally form between you and this other person and
to try to find 50-50 effort there. Now, obviously, it's never going to be perfect and it's kind
of impossible to calculate, but in the beginning, I think that this is a really strong method
just to match their level of effort.
And the final point I'll make on this is, I don't know, I'm about to make a strong statement, so I'm kind of hesitant.
But this is my opinion.
Okay, so just take it with a grain of salt.
I don't think it's healthy to expect anything from others, to be honest.
All you can control is your own actions. You can control asking someone
to hang out. You can control responding to their text. You can control making a priority to make
plans. Like, that's in your control. Whether or not somebody asks you to hang out or says yes when
you ask, you can't control that. So arguably it's healthier to not expect it,
to just appreciate it if it happens,
but not expect it and focus on what you can control,
which is how you respond, okay?
How you respond to other people's behavior
and what you choose to do.
Like I think expecting other people to ask you to hang out,
ah, that can go bad quick. My dad always reminds me, expectation
leads to unhappiness. I don't know if that's exactly what he says. Let me actually read,
he just texted this to me the other day. What did he say? He said, expectation plus reality
equals frustration and misery. He texted that to me. And it's very true.
Like anytime you have expectations,
it's rare that they will be met.
And you will often be left upset
in a way that you didn't need to be, you know?
All right, moving on.
Someone said, can men and women be friends?
Well, I think the obvious answer is like,
yeah, of course. There are many different
types of men and many different types of women. So let's dig into the complexity of this question.
I think we first need to narrow it down. I think what this person means is straight men and women.
Can straight men and women be friends? I already will say the answer is yes. I think it is absolutely possible.
Is it often not very successful?
Is it often very complicated?
Yes, but I do think that it's possible.
In fact, I think that being in a friend group with men and women is really fun.
Listen, it's beautiful to have a bunch of girls hanging out together.
It's beautiful to have a bunch of boys hanging out together. And I think those friendships are, of course,
very important. But I think the dynamic of having straight men and women in the same
friend group, even though, you know, there might be a little sexual tension, I think
that that's a really valuable dynamic. I think there's something really fun and exciting
about that. And I think it's absolutely possible
to have a successful male-female relationship.
Do I think that it often naturally leads to romance
or sometimes a one-sided romance?
Yes, and understandably so,
because the baseline of a good relationship is friendship.
Like the baseline of a good romantic relationship
is a platonic friendship.
If you wouldn't be platonic friends with your partner,
you're with them for the wrong reasons, in my opinion.
I honestly think a great way to find a significant other
is to be friends with people
who you would be attracted to, right?
So in this scenario, if you're a woman,
you should try to become friends with some straight guys
because you might end up realizing,
wait, this person would be a great partner for me.
They're a great friend for me,
which is half the battle in a romantic relationship.
This might actually work, but it can also go sour.
You know, like if one person falls in love with the other,
it can get complicated.
But I also think friendships between all categories of people are complicated. I have very controversially
stated that friendships between women are very complicated. And I still in a lot of
ways stand by that. I mean, I think my opinions have changed in some ways, but I still stand
by that in some ways.
I think it's complicated in the same way that friendship
is complicated between two straight guys
or a straight girl and a gay guy.
Like, every single combination of person,
and there's a trillion bazillion different combinations,
every single one is uniquely complicated in its own way,
but I think every single one is possible.
I honestly think a friendship between a straight girl
and a straight guy is no more complicated
than a friendship between two straight women.
Friendship in general is complicated.
There's so many fucking variables.
Yes, I do think straight men and women can be friends,
but I do think that there's a slew
of unique complications that come with it, but also there is with every single
combination of two people.
Somebody said, I feel better about myself without my friends,
but I love them and I know they love me.
Any advice?
I think the first thing to figure out is
why do you feel better without them?
Is it because maybe they have different morals
and values to you so the things that they talk about
and their actions don't really align with what you believe in
and that makes you feel bad?
Or is their sense of humor too harsh
and it takes a toll on you emotionally?
Do they sort of peer pressure you into doing stuff that is irresponsible
in your opinion? Like, I don't know, stay out really late on a school night or drink too much
or whatever. Like, do they bring out the worst in you in a way? Like, what is it? Okay, that's the
first thing you need to figure out. Why do you feel bad with them? And then the second question to ask yourself is, do I value this friendship enough to figure
out a way to feel good in this friendship? Which is not easy to do. It
might take discipline, it might take self-control, it might take
uncomfortable confrontational conversations. is that something you're willing to do?
And if the answer is yes, then you have to make a plan.
Okay, maybe the plan is I'm gonna talk to my friends
and be like, listen, you guys, like, I love you all,
you love me, but the way you guys pick on me all the time,
like I just, it fucking makes me sad
and it makes me feel bad, but I love you guys
and I don't wanna like stop being friends, you know? So just cut it out and everything's gonna be fine.
Or maybe you just have to start saying no
when they invite you to do something
that is against your morals. If they're like,
you know what, we're all gonna go
and get lip filler today.
And you're like, I'm really against
getting cosmetic procedures.
You know, you just can't participate
in some of the plans with your friends.
And that's a bummer, right?
Cause we want to go and do everything with our friends.
But sometimes we can't.
That is such an LA example.
We're all going to get lip filler.
It's actually like a thing, which by the way,
I'm not judging.
That's like fun.
Do whatever you want with your friends.
I'm not, I just think it's kind of funny in LA,
but like in a charming way, in a beautiful way,
in a, you get the idea.
And then if the answer's no, you're like,
you know what, I love them,
but I don't value this friendship enough
to fight for it in a way.
I don't have the energy and I just, you know,
need to get back to taking care of myself again
and I just, I can't do this.
Then you start slowly pulling back from the friendship
and that fucking sucks,
but sometimes that's what you're called to do.
This episode is brought to you by Uber One.
I may not have gone to college,
but I can just imagine that preparing for college
can be really stressful.
Even though I never went away to college,
I did move away from a home at age 17.
And it was really exciting,
but it was also incredibly stressful.
Suddenly I have to do my own laundry and cook and manage my money and I didn't know what to do.
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Next, somebody said, thoughts on stopping friendships with people that you love but
are too unstable. This is very challenging because there's a lot of different moral dilemmas going on at once when
you're friends with somebody who's in an unstable state. It's very challenging to figure out what
the right way of handling the situation is. In that scenario, you're asking yourself,
is it my responsibility to take care of this person to make sure they're okay? Am I being evil for leaving them during this challenging period of their life?
What if I end up becoming unstable in some way, someday, and they leave me?
How would that make me feel? I don't know how much longer I can mentally handle this
though. Like on a personal level, I don't know how much longer I can be present for
this person. It's taking such a toll on me. I'm hitting my limit. And all of these things
are sort of conflicting with each other. All of these questions. It's a very, very challenging situation. At the end of the day, I think we should all try to be there for as long as we can, because
I do think that that is the right thing to do as a friend, to try to be there, to try
to be present, to try to help them through their issues, but also to be forgiving when you just can't do it anymore.
Because that is also okay.
I think as long as you tried and you communicated with them
and said, I want to be there for you, I want to help you,
as long as you did your best, I think it is okay to then say,
you know what, I can't do this anymore.
And you can pass that responsibility.
Well, I mean, it shouldn't really be your responsibility
to begin with.
I don't know how I feel about our friends
being our responsibility, right?
That's very complicated.
I think we're the responsibility of our family
and of our like, you know, if we're married to somebody,
I guess in a lot of ways that's family.
I don't know how I feel about being responsible for your friends. I don't think that's what
friendship is for. That's my opinion. And so I think it's okay to make sure that someone is
responsible for this person and is taking care of this person, whether it's a family member
or it's a doctor or it's a therapist, that's okay.
Personally, I think it's morally right to make sure that somebody is looking out for them. I
think it is the right thing to do to make sure that you can pass them off into caring hands.
You don't need to be the caring hands. You know what I mean? And the truth is, there's a good
chance that you can be friends with that person again.
You know, and maybe even you say that to the person as you distance yourself.
You're like, listen, I have to take care of myself right now.
I can't take care of you.
I love you.
I value you so much as a friend, but I need to take care of myself right now.
You take care of you right now.
And let's meet back up in a few years when we're both in a better place.
And I think that's so fine.
And honestly, I've been in scenarios similar to this
and I've become friends with them again later.
And it's been beautiful and miraculous and amazing.
In the moment, it's fucking brutal.
It's heartbreaking and you feel bad
if you're an empathetic person,
because you're like, oh my God,
I just wanna be there for them.
I just wanna take care of them.
It's okay to say, I've hit my limit.
I have to pass this off to somebody else and just pray that one day you'll meet back up
again and you probably will.
Somebody said, I stopped speaking with one of my best friends because people said she
was a bad influence, but she actually wasn't.
Can I undo it?
Well, unfortunately, I can't answer if you can undo it.
The only person who can answer that is her. However, I think the strongest method for trying to undo it is to go to your friend
and say, can we talk?
I just want to talk and tell you what happened because I made a mistake and I would love
to talk about this with you if you're open to it.
Hopefully, your friend or your ex-friend, I guess now, takes you up on the offer and
what you say to her is, this is exactly what happened.
A lot of people told me I shouldn't be hanging out with you because they said you were a
bad influence.
I later understood that they had misunderstood you.
I am so sorry.
Our friendship means so much to me.
I had a lapse in judgment because, you know,
I was overwhelmed by the opinions of others.
And I learned my fucking lesson.
I'm not gonna do that again.
I'm gonna judge you and everyone else on this planet
based on what I know as fact moving forward.
This was an incredible learning experience.
I hope you're willing to be my friend again.
I miss our friendship more than anything.
But if you don't want to be friends with somebody
who did what I did, I understand.
And if you ever change your mind, I'll be here.
That's the conversation.
And from there, the rest is up to the fucking cosmos
and the neuro pathways of your friend's brain.
There it is.
You can undo almost anything through communication or
not even undo it but you can at least attempt to undo it. Whenever you're like
oh my god I fucked something up with this person or that or blah blah blah
can I undo it? The answer is almost always you can try. Through honesty and
genuine authentic communication with another person. Next somebody said advice
on how to deal with a best friend that won't speak to you now that she has a boyfriend.
Oh, you know what? I've been this fucking friend
who has gotten a boyfriend
and then disappeared off the face of the earth.
Now, it's easy to jump to conclusions
about a friend who has stopped talking to you
because she's gotten into a relationship.
It's easy to assume she thinks she's better than me
now that she has a boyfriend or her boyfriend changed her
and now she's different and she blah, blah, blah.
It's easy to jump to conclusion.
What it probably is is just that she's excited
and there's something really addicting and exciting
and all consuming about being in a new relationship.
A lot of it being sort of irrational and delusional
in a way. Now, I'm not saying delusional
in, like, a negative way, okay?
I'm not saying, like, it's not negative necessarily.
It's just true.
The little research that I've done about the beginning stages
of a romantic situation,
there's a lot of chemicals exploding in your brain,
happy chemicals that, according to Google,
mimic the feelings of very addictive,
very exciting drugs.
There's so many emotions happening.
There's so many, like, new feelings.
And it's also something that a lot of us wait a long time for,
like, to date somebody, right?
Like we're hunting for it, hunting for it,
hunting for it, finally we get it.
And then it's the only part of our lives
that we want to focus on,
because we've wanted it for so long.
My recommendation would be, be patient with your friend.
Okay?
What she's doing right now, it's not ideal,
but the truth is she's gonna grow out of it.
I think the best thing that you can do
is build a life without this friend.
A lot of times we have these friends
that really are like a significant part of our lives, right?
If this is that type of friend,
you kinda gotta go out and start building a life around her
where there's still space for her if she wants to come back.
But you might need to make some new friends to be honest.
And you might even get to a point where like you realize, you know, I actually don't know
if I want to be friends with her anymore.
And that's okay too.
So you might end up drifting apart from her in a way that is permanent and that happens.
But I think if you really value her and you really want to be friends with her again,
I would leave a little space for her for a while and just work towards building a group without her.
Because listen, she's not going to be able to hear you right now.
She's in love, or at least she thinks she is.
It could be lust, it could be love, it could be just the explosive chemicals of reciprocated
attraction.
Like, who fucking knows?
You know what I mean?
Who knows how long it's going to last?
Like, she's being selfish right now,
but it's because it's almost like she's on a drug.
The way she's handling it is ultimately immature,
but she's not gonna be able to hear you right now.
So there's no point in trying to like
have a conversation with her.
You can, but honestly, in my experience,
she's not gonna hear anything.
Like you have to wait till later to bring it up.
I think right now you distance yourself from her
You stop reaching out you start making some new friends and she's gonna start to realize wait a minute. What happened?
I just lost one of my friends because I did wait and then she'll wake up and then she'll come running back and then you'll be
Like I'm here, but that wasn't cool. And then she'll learn her lesson and then everything's great
She'll really learn her lesson if they have like a sudden catastrophic breakup
and she comes running back to you completely broken
and you are forced to pick up the pieces.
My honest advice is just to be patient with her
and just wait until she comes out of the haze
that she's in right now and then go from there.
Somebody said,
how to deal with an ex-friend
that's constantly trying to sabotage you.
Can I be honest?
That is my worst fucking nightmare.
Okay, so I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
That is so fucked up.
That is so dark, like genuinely so dark.
Like sabotage in general, oh my God, no.
I hate that shit, okay?
Listen, I think there's a few things you can do.
Now, whether or not they're gonna work, who fucking knows?
Okay, number one, try to have a conversation
with this ex-friend.
Say, listen, I don't know what your issue is,
but I know that you're trying to sabotage me
in all these different ways.
You can present proof, whatever.
I really, like, this is really fucking
with my quality of life and it's fucking with yours too.
So let's figure something out.
Like what do we need to do to figure this out?
That's one option, trying to confront
and hopefully try to remind them like,
hey, I'm a human being, what the fuck is going on?
If that doesn't work, another option would be
to fill everyone in in your life. Tell all your friends. Tell people about this.
Now, you don't want to make a big, like, I don't know, if you're like on first date with somebody,
maybe, maybe not unless it comes up. But I think it's good to keep people in your life in the loop
because then they're not going to buy any of the bullshit. You know what I mean?
They're going to help protect you. They're going to help you outnumber this person. My next piece of advice would be to be honest,
find a way to get rid of this person. Like block their phone number, block them on all
social media. Honestly, if you like work at the same job as them, consider moving jobs.
Like sometimes people are just impossible to deal with and the best option is to just get away.
It's an unfair fact of life that sometimes
someone will wrong you and then you have to be the one
to fix it, you know what I mean?
You have to be the one who runs away.
You have to be the one that picks up their life
and moves towns to be away from this person,
you know what I mean? But sometimes
that's just what you have to do. I'm so sorry you're going through that. That is crazy.
But also if they're like really sabotaging you, like, I don't know, can you get the law
involved? Like, I don't know.
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Next, somebody said, if I tell my friends about my depression, I think they'll think
I'm faking it or want attention.
What should I do?
Well, it's not a great sign.
That's definitely a sign that you don't feel safe and comfortable around your friends,
which is honestly normal.
That happens.
I've been in friend groups before where I was kind of intimidated by them or I thought
they were cooler than me or I was scared of their opinions.
I've been in friend groups like that.
And sometimes it's self-inflicted, right?
Like I am the one putting them on a pedestal.
I am the reason why I feel like they judge me
or I try to put my best foot forward in front of them
because I feel like if I don't,
then they won't like me anymore.
There's been scenarios in my life
where I've had all of these beliefs,
not because of them, but because of me.
Like, I put them on a pedestal,
and that's why I didn't feel safe
to be my genuine, authentic self in front of them.
But there's also been times where I've been friends
with people who actually genuinely judge me, right?
And actually genuinely only like me, you know,
when I'm perfect or whatever, you know what
I'm saying?
And so I would say first step would be to try to figure out to the best of your ability,
which one of those two situations is occurring right now.
Are you putting them on a pedestal or are they putting themselves on a pedestal?
And then from there, you kind of have to do a scary test.
If this is something you really wanna talk about
with your friends, you might have to test it out
and it might be painful, it might be uncomfortable.
It might not go as planned,
but that's sometimes the risk we have to take
to build deeper bonds with our loved ones.
I recommend if you come to the conclusion,
like, you know what, I think I'm putting them
on the pedestal, I don't think that to the conclusion like, you know what, I think I'm putting them on the pedestal.
I don't think that they actually, they might not judge me.
They might, like, I don't think so.
If you come to the conclusion that you're not quite sure
and you think it might be you, try it.
Worst case scenario, they respond badly,
which is unfortunate and painful,
but then you know those aren't your real friends.
That's the worst case scenario.
The worst case scenario is that you get to find out that your friends suck and that you
need new ones anyway.
So is it really a loss?
No, it's not.
Anyone who doesn't believe in your mental challenges, that is not somebody you need
in your life.
I have had people around me who could not fathom that I could have mental struggles.
Because they were like,
you have like a career that's successful
and you're financially comfortable and all of this.
Like, you don't have, there's no excuse for you
to have any sort of psychological pain.
And I was like, and a lot of people think that.
A lot of people believe that about people, right?
Like a lot of people look at those who, you know, maybe have more comfortable lifestyles in certain areas
and are like, you are not allowed to be sad.
Like, I don't care if the fucking internet feels that way.
Well, I can't control what the internet feels like.
But somebody in my corner, in my life,
who doesn't believe that like,
I can struggle psychologically
because I have, you know, a comfortable job.
Like, that is ridiculous.
I'm sorry, it is.
Because unfortunately, those things don't,
they maybe can help with, you know,
they can help in a lot of ways with mental health challenges.
A lot of mental health challenges are caused
by money-related things, career-related things.
Like, I am not turning a blind eye to that, okay?
I am fully aware of that.
However, that does not mean that people who have seemingly perfect lives
do not have mental health issues, because they do.
And so I've experienced that where people in my personal life
who, like, know me well enough, I'm like, what?
If anyone should see me as a normal human being,
it should be you. You're in my personal life.
You're not looking at me through a screen.
You actually see me, know me, are in my home,
like whatever, telling me I'm not allowed
to have mental health challenges, I've been there, okay?
Let me tell you, getting rid of those people,
getting them out of your life is critical
for your wellbeing.
I can't tell you how damaging it was to have people around
that believed that
all of my challenges were faked to somehow be sort of relatable or something or to be normal
or something. It's horrible. It's horrible and to me, to be honest, it's kind of evil.
So my point is I've had an experience with this sort of situation and it's not fair. It's not fair.
And I know that feeling.
So if they respond badly, just be like,
oh, time for them to go.
Those are not my friends anymore.
Or if it's like your boyfriend or your girlfriend
or whoever, I don't care.
If you talk about your mental challenges,
genuinely and truthfully, and somebody responds
and says that you're faking it for attention,
which honestly seems so evil.
Like it's so evil saying it out loud.
I'm like, I can't believe people actually do that.
Like it's like, I cannot comprehend it.
It's actually very crazy to me.
If somebody does that to you, you now know,
wow, I have one less person that I have to pay attention
to now because that person is now removed from my life.
Okay, moving on.
Last but not least, somebody said, my childhood best friend went off to college and came back
a completely different person.
How do I handle this change?
Well, the truth is we have to accept people for who they are as they ebb and flow.
Our personalities are constantly evolving and changing, sometimes
for the better and sometimes for the worse. It is what it is. Okay, so that's the first
thing. Acceptance. You need to accept that your friend is a different person now. They
have lived life that you have not and they are now different. The first step is acceptance.
And the second step is to figure out what you want to do from there. It's okay to be
like, you know what, I don't click with the new them.
I think I need to let this friendship go.
And it's also okay to be like, I don't know if I like it yet.
I'm just going to give it a chance.
And it's also okay to be like, you know, it's different and it's weird,
but I'm going to try to get used to it.
Like all of those are okay and valid and fair.
We often hold on to friendships that are nostalgic
simply because they're nostalgic
and because we feel like we need to maintain friendships
that we've had for years and years and years
because it's like, oh, we've had them for so long.
They're so special.
We have to keep them.
You don't always, you know?
It's okay to be like, you know what?
We've outgrown each other.
We're gonna move on from each other.
That might be the case with this situation and that's okay.
Don't hold onto the friendship just because of nostalgia.
It's okay to grow apart.
But also it's okay to be like, you know what,
I feel weird about this, but I'm gonna give it a try.
And I'm gonna push through the discomfort
and get to know the new version of my friend
and learn to love them.
All right, that's it.
That's all my unprofessional advice.
I hope you loved how unprofessional it was.
Thank you for listening and hanging out.
It's always a pleasure.
New episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday and Sunday.
If you wanna come hang out anytime, I'm here.
At Anything Goes on social media,
Anything Goes on all podcast streaming platforms, at Emma Chamberlain on social media, anything goes on all podcast streaming platforms, at Emma Chamberlain on
social media if you want to find me, in chamberlaincoffee.com and at Chamberlain Coffee to find my coffee
company on the internet, on the web, on the social media.
Thank you all for listening and hanging out.
I love you all.
And I will talk to you very, very soon.
Okay?
This is not goodbye.
This is see you later.
See you later.
Bye.