anything goes with emma chamberlain - friendships

Episode Date: December 9, 2021

romantic relationships can be complicated, but so can friendships. ive been taking some time lately to reflect on what truly makes a good friendship. so this ep i'm going to explain the 6 criteria i think should be a part of a good friendship, so hopefully you guys can apply those to yours and re-evaluate some that aren't fulfilling. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I just made myself the most delicious lunch and I feel like I need to share it. Before we even start the episode, this is how I want to start. Is with what I just made for lunch. Okay, so I started out with kale, raw, and I took olive oil, salt, and cherry vinegar, massage the kale. Then I put on top of that kale, roasted tahini, brussel sprouts, and roasted spicy sweet potatoes, and then I put pumpkin seeds on top, and then I put chickpeas on top, and then I put crispy shallots on top. And then I did a little bit of Parmesan cheese on top and then I ate it and it was so fucking good

and I just can't stop thinking about it. And recently, I've been really into the plating of food that I make because there was a period of time there where when it came to cooking, like I was mainly concerned about the flavor. I was like, okay, I wanna make food that I make because there was a period of time there where when it came to cooking like I was mainly concerned about the flavor I was like okay I want to make food that tastes good but I was kind of neglecting the art of plating and honestly food tastes 10 times better when it's plated in a way that's beautiful to look at. Oh my god I also put avocado in my salad sorry that's a huge thing I totally forget that's beautiful to look at. Oh my God, I also put avocado in my salad.

Sorry, that's a huge thing. I totally forgot, that's like a game changer. I don't know how I forgot to mention that. Anyway, plating is like a huge deal, you know, when it comes to experience. And the art of plating is half the battle. You know, you can cook something that tastes delicious, but if you don't plate it in a way that looks good, it's just not as great of an experience. So I've been very into plating recently. I found that the

way to make a dish go from home cook aesthetic to chef aesthetic is by either adding a drizzle of some sort of sauce or by adding fresh herbs on top. And if you're feeling really crazy adding both. If you add that to something that you just cooked, it's going to look restaurant quality. And if you really want to take it to the next level, you take a little paper towel and you wipe around the plate and you clean up all of the little things that all the little like crumbs and stuff. And then you have a restaurant meal that you just cooked for yourself. That's a passion of mine right now's plating. God, I love it. I love it.

Like, there's nothing I love more than going out to a restaurant and eating something that looks beautiful. And so I got to a point where I was like, well, I might as well just create this experience for myself. And there's no going back. Like, it's really, really not only is it an enjoyable experience, but also it makes the food taste better. So anyway, that's where I'm at with that.

I'm coming off of a high because I just made this beautiful winter salad and it was so delicious and it looked so beautiful. I'm coming off of a high right now from that. And I'm ready to record. I'm ready to just talk. But what I'm talking about today has absolutely nothing to do with my beautiful winter salad. Did I say put chickpeas in the salad?

I think I told you that. Chickpeas are so good. I just wanted to make sure that, you know, if you guys want to go make this at home, I didn't want you to forget the chickpeas. Sorry, what we are talking about today is friendship. Because I've been doing a lot of thinking about friendship and what I want in friendships in my life

and what makes a good friendship. And honestly, what the point of friendship even is, right? I've been doing a lot of thought about that. And I kind of wanted to share with you what I've discovered and just analyze the whole thing with you. Because never in my life have I ever taken a second to think about friendship and what the point of it is and what even makes a good friendship.

When it comes to romantic relationships, I've done a lot of thought about that, you know, and I think a lot of us have for whatever reason a lot more thought generally goes into what makes a healthy romantic relationship, but there's not a lot of emphasis in life about what makes a really really good friendship. I think that the

conversation around what makes a good friendship is really vague. If you were to ask someone what makes a good friendship, they would probably say taking care of one another and being nice to one another and having fun together. But I think that there's a lot more underneath the surface that we need to unpack because friendship is far less simple than I think it's portrayed as. Friendship is actually very complicated and it's just as complicated as a romantic relationship and I didn't realize this you know until recently when I started doing a lot of thought about You know what I'm looking for in friendships in my life

Not until looking into it deeply. Did I realize how? complicated it is. And the reason why I kind of started thinking about, what I'm looking for in friendships is because I spent the past year kind of stripping everything away from my life in a way, like kind of backing away from friendships and things like that in order to do some work on myself. I kind of felt like I needed a reset in a way, like I needed to back away from all the

distractions, back away from all the distractions, back away from a lot of the relationships in my life for a second so that I could just reflect, think, and kind of become comfortable with being alone. And I did that, and that was great. But then it started to get to a point more recently when all of the work was done. And I had done all of this self-reflection and now I'm kind of left in a lonely spot. And to a certain extent that's fine, you know.

But you do need friends in your life. That's a crucial part of life. And there may be moments throughout your life when you don't have friends. That's fine. But at some point, you're gonna need to have friends again. You know, like it's a part of being human and it's healthy. But I kind of found myself at this point where I was like, wow, I wanna like, wow,

I want to make more friends, but I don't even know what I'm looking for. And I've never really even sat and thought about what a really good friendship actually is. And how am I supposed to find, you know, friends who fit a criteria that I haven't even figured out yet? So more recently, I've really spent a lot of time thinking about it. And so I've come to the conclusion that there are about six things that a good friendship has, and I'm going to share those six things with you. The first thing that a good friendship needs is a mutual sense of admiration for one another.

And this is something that I did not ever think about prior to recently. How important it is to be inspired by your friends. Have you ever had a friendship in life where neither of you really did anything wrong to one another and the person that your friends with is a very nice person, but it just isn't feeding your soul as much as you want it to and you can explain it. But you're like, ah, I don't know. Like, this friendship just isn't working for me anymore. And I don't know why, and I feel bad, because I just, I don't feel it anymore.

I don't feel inspired to be friends with this person anymore. The reason why that happens is because your friendship might have evolved to a point where you're no longer inspired by that friend. They don't inspire you to be a better person anymore. They don't spark ideas within you, you know? The admiration for your friend and the inspiration that you get from your friend has kind of just plateaued.

And that's why you may feel a weird sensation in friendship sometimes for a reason that you can't necessarily explain. Ideally, a friend that you have should have qualities that you kind of wish you had. Because in theory, those qualities will rub off on you so that you can become an even better person and you can advance and evolve as a human being. Like that's the point of spending time with other people is to ideally start to pick up on some of their good habits and good traits that you wish you had so that you can become an even more well-rounded person. Because humans kind of copy one another. That's kind of inner nature is to copy what other people are doing that inspires us in a way.

And so if you're friends with somebody who no longer inspires you, then the excitement of that friendship will fall away. When a friendship ends because the inspiration and admiration kind of dies, that's not necessarily a bad thing. And that doesn't mean that anyone did anything wrong or that anyone's a bad person. It just might mean that you need something else in a friendship.

You need to find a new source of inspiration within someone else, you know? And you're just not getting that from your current friend. And so, you know, you might need to look elsewhere and find a new friend that is more aligned with what you need in your life in that given moment. And there are definitely some friendships that will have that inspiring quality for a lifetime. But there may also be friendships in your life where the inspirational quality will come and then go. And so it's important to check in with yourself when your friends with somebody and be like, okay, are they like inspiring me to be better?

The second quality of a good friendship is possibly the most rare trait of a good friendship and that's the lack of competition and the lack of ego in a friendship. I bet right now, if you were to sit down and close your eyes and think of all of your friends, you could name at least one that you feel like either you're competitive with or they're competitive with you. And you can tell when someone's being competitive with you, even if they're trying not to be, you can tell whether it's over what clothes you're wearing or over, you

know, who goes on more dates or who has the most fancy stuff or whoever has the most other friends, you know, besides each other, it's very common in friendships for there to be this underlying sense of competition and ego. And again, if you're friends with somebody and there is a little bit of competition and there is a little bit of ego, it's so normal and it's so hard to avoid sometimes

that it doesn't mean that either party is a bad person. Again, if there's ego and there's competition and a friendship, that just means that it's not the right match of two people. It doesn't mean that either people are bad people. But I will say that the presence of competition and ego is just simply unpleasant. And it can create this underlying borderline hidden feeling of anxiety when you're around this friend, this sort of uneasiness that you might not even be able

to put your finger on, but it's there. You're always on your toes with a friend that you have a slight competition with. And that's, again, not what you want in a friendship. That's not what you want in a really good, really long-lasting friendship, at least in my opinion. I've had friends in my life where there is no competition whatsoever. If they succeed in some area more than me, I am on their team and I am stoked for them

as if it were my own accomplishment. In vice versa, I've absolutely had friendships like that in my life. I have friendships like that in my life now. And those are my favorite types of friendships, but I've also had that in my life. I have friendships like that in my life now. And those are my favorite types of friendships, but I've also had friendships in my life where me and someone got along really well, but when I would succeed,

they would get a little weird with me. And then because of that, when they would succeed, I wasn't really stoked for them. And I would have to fake being excited for them because I was trying to be a good person, right? But, did down, I'm like, wait, but like, they aren't ever stoked for me when good shit happens to me.

They get all weird and competitive with me. And now, I feel like I wanna be competitive with them back. And like, that's against my nature. But because they're weird be competitive with them back and that's against my nature, but because they're weird and competitive with me, now it's bringing out aside to me that I don't like, right? And I have to fake be excited and stoked. And I don't wanna have to fake being excited and stoked for a friend.

I just wanna feel that genuinely. And I'm not somebody that's personally super competitive in general. The only time that I'm competitive is if's personally super competitive in general. The only time that I'm competitive is if somebody is being competitive with me. That's when I start to feel that weird resentment. And that's just not for me. I just don't want to be around that.

And ideally in a really good, healthy, long-lasting friendship, you will love in care for someone so much that your love in care for them is bigger than your ego. And so when they succeed in some way, your natural instinct to maybe be competitive with them will lose because you love them so much that you're stoked for them and that's the feeling that wins in your heart and mind. This is the hardest one to come by, but also it's one of the best traits of a good friendship. When you can fully, wholeheartedly say,

I am excited for my friend when they accomplish big things. And it doesn't hurt my ego at all. You know, when you can get to that point where you can say that through a good friendship and through enough self-awareness and development of self-confidence, that is a beautiful thing truly and absolutely something to strive for. And it's a combination of working on yourself and becoming confident in yourself beyond accomplishments and just based on being proud of who you are as a human being with or without accomplishments. And it's also about finding somebody who's at the same spot as you in that self-confidence

journey. The third trait of a good friendship is a friendship that is not transactional and and there can be transactional friendships in life that are Healthy and like actually not necessarily a bad thing But they're just not necessarily going to be long-lasting life-long. And I say lifelong friendships is not necessarily fully lifelong, but I more mean just really long lasting friendships that you'll remember for a lifetime.

Because people come and go left and right in life and it's pretty rare that you'll have a friendship for your whole life. But when I mean lifelong, I mean somebody that is in your life for a long period of time and that even if you guys drift away at some point, you'll always have a love and appreciation for one another. That's more what I'm referring to. Now that that's clarified, a transactional friendship may be a friend that you make at school or at work.

And there's somebody that you just see at school and work and they keep you company while you're in those locations, which is kind of where the transaction comes in because, you know, in a way you're maybe using them to not be lonely when you're at school or work. But outside of that, you're like, eh, I don't really wanna hang out with them. That's fine, like that can actually be great. And sometimes those types of friendships are really great and fun. But in a way, they are transactional.

And so that makes them a little bit more surface level. There isn't depth there, and in the way that there is in this deeper type of friendship that I'm referring to. And I've found that right now, I have a lot of transactional friendships in my life. You know, like people I see at coffee shops that I go to frequently or servers at restaurants that I go to frequently or even people that I work with. I love those people and we have amazing conversations when we do, but it's also like,

we only really talk to each other in those settings. And the friendship is just surface level. And like, I don't know if even transactional is the right word for that. But maybe we could use the word lighthearted. It's just like a lighthearted surface level. Maybe sometimes transactional friendship. light-hearted. It's just like a light-hearted surface level, maybe sometimes transactional friendship. Another example of a transactional friendship would be, you know, someone that you like to go to parties with, but you don't really want

to hang out with otherwise. And so, you know, you guys call each other when you're going out on a Friday night, because you're like, I don't want to go out by myself, and I know that this person's always down to go out, so I'm gonna go out with them. But you don't really wanna hang out with them at any other time. The transaction is that you don't wanna be alone when you go out, so you both keep each other company,

but then otherwise there's not much there. You only really bond over one thing, work, school, or going out, or something within that realm. You only bond over the mutual agreement that you both want to be kept company in these settings. With a deeper friendship, that element shouldn't be present. In your mind, there should be no thought of like, okay, I'm being nice to this person and I'm friends with this person

because it benefits me in this way. Like that just shouldn't even be a thought. The thought in your head should be, I spend time with this person because we have great conversation. They make me feel good, no matter where we are, no matter what we're doing, no matter what time and day it is, we enjoy each other's company, period, and that's that. The fourth quality of a good friendship

is that neither of you are pushovers, and you don't enable bad behavior with one another. There's no power in balance. Nobody's afraid to speak up. If you see your friend behaving badly, you say something like, this is not you. And you feel comfortable to do so in a good friendship. In a bad friendship, you might see your friend behaving badly and you might either one be too afraid to speak up because there's a power imbalance

and you're intimidated by your friend in some way and so you don't want them to dislike you or be angry at you if you put them in their place so you just decide to stay silent or on the other hand, you might not speak up because it's the opposite and you don't really respect your friend enough To inconvenience yourself by bringing up something that they're doing wrong

so In a really good healthy balanced friendship you both should feel comfortable telling one another when they're behaving badly. And that's a huge thing because I've had friends in my life where I've been behaving badly and they've been too scared to tell me and vice versa. I've had both types of friendships throughout my life

and neither of which are healthy. It doesn't feel good to be the friend that doesn't wanna speak up when you see your friend going down the wrong path. But it also sucks when you trust a friend to tell you if you're behaving badly and to help keep you in check. But then they don't do that because either they don't wanna be bothered by it or

they're too scared to do so, then you start to lose trust in your friend because a few months passed and you look back at that moment when you weren't really behaving so well and your friend didn't speak up. And now you're like, why didn't they speak up? They knew better. And then you might even bring it up to them and be like, dude, when I did that a few months back, like why didn't you say something? And then they might be like, well,

I was too scared to tell you, now you're losing trust in that friend and that's not good either. So the ability for both of you to be able to keep each other in check and teach each other things about how to be a better person than you are in that present moment is a beautiful thing and very important.

And it requires both parties to respect one another, but also to have enough confidence in themselves to speak up and not be afraid of rejection if, you know, the receiver of the criticism reacts in a way that is maybe unfortunate. I don't know if that sentence made sense. Sorry, I'm doing my best. The fifth quality of a good friendship is that you share the same virtues. And by virtues, I mean, what even is the definition of a virtue? I think it's like a good habit. Like you show the same good habit.

I don't, I know what virtue means in my head, but like when it comes to talking about it. Okay. Behavior showing high moral standards. Let me, let me change the wording of this. You share the same morals. I really do think it's important in a friendship for both parties to have a good sense of their moral compass, a solid sense of what's right and wrong in their brain, so that you're not being brought down by your friend if they have bad morals a good example would be

let's say one of your priorities morally is being really polite right You're somebody who says please and thank you always you treat Waitresses at restaurants with utmost kindness, you know, you treat waitresses at restaurants with utmost kindness, you treat everybody as politely as you can. But you have a friend who doesn't really care about that as much. That's not a priority for them.

And that's not really at the forefront of their moral compass. And they maybe will be a little bit more rude to a waitress at a restaurant. And they'll be rude to the bus driver because they don't really care. That's not where their priorities are. And that makes you uncomfortable because you're like,

like my friend doesn't share this priority with me. And it makes me uncomfortable to see them and doesn't share this priority with me. And it makes me uncomfortable to see them behaving the opposite of my moral standard. And when you hang around people who don't share the same moral compass as you, that can be detrimental for number one yourself a steam because you know you're surrounding yourself with people who don't behave at the standard that you hold for yourself and when that kind of in turn means that you're stooping for friendship and then

that makes you feel bad about yourself because you're like, oh I'm settling for less. In settling for less in life makes you feel like shit about yourself. So that's one negative part of it. But also, it's a bad reflection of yourself to the outside world. When you surround yourself with people who do things that don't align with you, do things that don't align with you, that reflects on you because you're choosing to be friends with them and they're choosing to behave badly, but you're choosing to just stand idly by and do nothing and just continue to be their friend and continue to enable them. And that looks badly on you.

So when you're at a restaurant and you're eating lunch with your friend and you're super polite to the waitress, but your friend is an asshole to the waitress and doesn't tip them and you know gives them a dirty look because they brought their meal 15 minutes later than they expected, the waitress is going to think both of you are assholes because you are enabling your friend's behavior. You see what I'm saying? And listen, that example with the whole waitress situation, that's just an example. There are so many other examples of ways that it can be detrimental to have friends that

don't share the same moral compass as you. Even if it comes to partying, let's say, you really don't wanna go out to parties and drink underage because that makes you uncomfortable and that's not your thing, but your friends are doing it. When the cops show up to a party and all of your friends are drunk and you're the cops show up to a party and all of your friends are drunk and you're not, you're still probably going to get in trouble because

you were there. You know what I'm saying? So it's just like, it's in your best interest to have friends that share the same moral compass as you because it saves you from so much distress. And at the end of the day, friendships are supposed to be comfortable, fun, and beneficial. They don't need to be uncomfortable, they don't need to be painful, and they don't need to be dramatic. And the last trait I have for a really good friendship is the determination to accept each other as you both grow and change. As long as both friends are moving in the right direction in a general sense. And so by that I mean, willingness to grow together and accept one another as you grow with the only

exception being if one friend decides to go in the wrong direction and they lose sense of themselves and even if you confront them about it, they don't change. You know what I mean? Like, they go in the wrong direction for too long. And it's almost like there's no room to help anymore. And it's starting to get to a point where it's wearing on you. And you know, they're not the person that you initially became friends with. And they've maybe gone backwards

and become a person that is not a good person. And that can happen. You know, there may be moments in your life when you have a friend that is just the best friend. You guys balance each other out. You share the same moral code. And everything is all in line and you're inspired by one another.

And then at one point, life will do someone wrong in some way and they'll go in the wrong direction and their moral compass will shift and become something that you no longer align with. And there are times when you can have a conversation with your friend and you can have a conversation with your friend and you can help them get back on track. And that's a beautiful part of friendship

when that works, right? When somebody's going off track, but you're able to help them get back on track and they're open to that and they want to do that and they want help and they are open to help. That's a beautiful thing and that's one of the most powerful parts of friendship is when one party is having a moment of weakness and the other who's maybe in a stronger spot can

help guide the friend back onto their path. That is one of the most powerful ways that friendship can be a beautiful thing. But if the party who's steering off in the wrong direction in a place of weakness can't accept help from their friend, that's when you got a problem and you're just gonna have to, both parties are just gonna have to let go. And maybe at some point, you know,

you guys can come back together and reconjoin as friends when you both level out and end up at the same spot again Where you align again, but you know if if one person goes off and just starts Becoming someone that's not so great anymore The healthiest option is to let go, but generally There should be a determination to keep each other on track and to grow with one another and accept changes as long as they're not toxic changes. As long as somebody's not becoming toxic for you, you should be open to seeing how they grow and change and evolve. And hopefully they do the same for you. Now,

all of these qualities of a good friendship are things that I think that we generally know in the back of our heads, but we rarely stop and think about whether or not these qualities are present in our own friendships. And I'm in a place now where I'm trying to figure out who can provide these things for me. And it's not easy to find and it takes a lot of patience and it can be frustrating because a friendship with these qualities is rare and it can be found but it just takes a lot of time. And I'm at a place where I'm like, I'd prefer to be by myself than to be in a

friendship that does not lift me up in the ways that I'm looking for. And it's normal to end up in the spot that I'm in, you know, where you're kind of at a crossroads. You're like, okay, I'm ready to make some friends. I have a good idea of what kind of friends I want. I've done work on myself and I know that I'm in a good place to be a good friend to people, but I just got to find the people that fit perfectly. And I'm willing to take my time to find it,

but I think that the first step for me was figuring out, okay, what does it look like? And that's what I figured out. And there's something to be said for the types of friends that maybe you make at work or school or at your local coffee shop where they aren't your best friends, you know, the friendship doesn't surpass a certain level of depth, but they're really pleasant friendships

and they may not last forever, but they make you smile and enhance your life, a pretty decent amount. And those friendships are great too, and I have a lot of those. Like, I'm not struggling in that area. I have so many great people in my life that fall into that category where I'm forced to see people due to work or due to my daily habits. And I make those interactions enjoyable, but they're not my go to best friends.

But those people are just as important and they really help when you're in a spot where you're like, wow, I really don't have a best friend. I really don't have really deep friendships right now in my life. You know, like those interactions with those lighthearted friends will definitely hold you over, but they don't do the job completely. I think as humans, we need something deeper. And so I'll keep you guys updated on how that goes. But that's just something that I've been dealing with and I encourage you to look at the

friendships that you have now and ask yourself, are these friendships providing me with all of these things that I need? And are they causing me more harm than good? Because I've found myself in friendships where one of the six things that I've mentioned, or more than one of the six things that I mentioned, weren't present in a friendship, and I found that the friendship had more of a negative impact on me than a positive impact. But I would remain in the friendship because it was comfortable and it was familiar, but it might not have been

helping me grow and evolve in the ways that I was craving so badly And even though you know friends that I've had in the past where it wasn't, it wasn't really meeting my criteria necessarily. They have been great people. It does not mean that these people are bad people. It's about, it's a match thing. It's about, you know, because for those people who maybe didn't work out as friends for me, they work out as friends for other people in ways

that I would never be able to understand, because they're just not for me. And that's okay. I think it's important for you to check in with yourself and just look at your friendships from a bird's eye view and really, really be honest with yourself about whether or not your friendships are forcing you to grow.

And you know what's funny about this is that everything that I just mentioned also applies to romantic relationships as well. So I mean, you can apply these criteria to your romantic relationships and ask the same questions. And you may find yourself in an uncomfortable spot where you're like, ah, you know, my friend is a good person, but they aren't necessarily meeting this criteria, and they don't maybe inspire me, and they don't maybe hold me accountable.

And although I really love them and care about them, I might need to go out and meet new people that will help me grow in ways that this current friend doesn't. And you don't have to cut people off necessarily. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that it's good to have at least some people in your life that fit this criteria. And you can have some people that don't,

but they just might not be your best friend, your closest confidant. You know what I'm saying? It's all just food for thought. And everybody's life is different. And everybody's situation is different. And your best friend might end up being your significant other. Your best friend might be a sibling. You know, there's so many different ways that this can go. and there's so many different types of people in your life that might present themselves as this type of person, be open to finding as many of them as possible. And if you haven't found them yet, be patient because we're in this together and we'll find them.

I believe in us. OK, so I asked you guys to ask some questions about friendship on the Twitter at AG podcast. And I'm going to answer some of your specific questions about friendship now. And if you want to participate in further episodes, follow the Twitter because that's where I tweet out the questions and you guys can ask. Specific stuff.

All right, let's get into it. Somebody said, I feel like I'm slowly drifting away from my best friend. She's struggling a lot mentally and she's very distant. I feel like I don't have anyone else. So I'm scared that I'll be alone soon. Any advice? Something that I didn't mention earlier, Any advice, something that I didn't mention earlier, that I'm shocked that I didn't mention earlier,

is the importance of being comfortable with being alone in order to have healthy friendships. Because the problem is, if you haven't done the work on yourself in order to feel comfortable being alone, then you're going to find yourself in a lot of friendships that are forced and that are mediocre at best just so that neither of you have to be alone. And in turn, both of you will be miserable in the friendship because you're forcing it just so that you don't have to be alone. And in turn, both of you will be miserable in the friendship, because you're forcing it just so that you don't have to be by yourself. When you find yourself saying in your head, I'm staying in this just because I don't want to be alone, that's

when you know that you need to do some work on yourself. And you need to accept the fact that you might be alone for a little bit while you wait for somebody to come into your life that will actually have a positive impact on you. In order to find friends that will empower you and uplift you in the right ways, I truly believe that you need to

get to a place in your personal life where you don't need it, but it would be great if you had it. And that's what I've spent this past year doing, you know, is getting to a place where I don't feel like I need anybody. Because by getting to that place, now I'm able to be picky about who I'm friends with,

because I'm never going to be friends with anyone out of desperation. That's a very powerful place to be in, and being in that place will attract incredible friendships and There may be moments While you're waiting for those friendships to enter your life where you're like God damn it. I've done all this fucking work on myself I'm totally fine by myself, but also like I'm a human being and I need community You know, I actually do need friends like this can't go on forever and I need community. You know, I actually do need friends.

Like this can't go on forever. Yes, it went on for a few months and it was good and it needed to happen. It was crucial. But now I'm in this spot where I'm like, okay, now I need to reintegrate friends and community back into my life. But it's taking a little bit longer than I expected

and it sucks. There might be a moment like that, but it's so important to step back, spend a lot of time by yourself and become comfortable with it and realize that it's not so bad and that it actually can be really enjoyable. And then once you get to that point, then you can be choosy about who you let in your life because you don't need anybody. And if they end up not being so great, you're like,

all right, fine, I'll go back to doing my own thing like I was doing before and I'll just keep waiting for somebody to come into my life who will be the right fit. Somebody said, let's discuss how you can give your all to a friendship, but the energy is never the same back. Yet you still love and care about that person so much. Is this just me or has everyone experience something like this? I believe that pretty much everybody has experienced this in one way or another.

And what I've realized over time is that mutual effort in a friendship is the bare minimum. That is the bare minimum. That is the bare minimum. And if you're not getting that back, you gotta go. And it can be really hard because the person that you're friends with who isn't giving you the same energy back might be a really great person, but they just might not have it in them to give you the energy that you need.

And that's not either of your faults. That's not their fault. And it's also not yours. It just means that it's simply not the right fit. And you can still be friends with this person from a distance, right? In passing, the vibes are good, everything's good. But it's just not a right fit.

And you need to find people elsewhere that can give you that. Because you deserve it and also the other person can't be expected to just give you everything that you want because they're doing the best that they can too. Somebody said might sound stupid but what are some tips on making friends? The best way to make friends is to see the same people repeatedly. For example, let's say every morning you go to the same coffee shop. Start talking it up with the, you know, barista that you see every single day, right? And in the beginning it can be something light. Like, how was your weekend, you know? Like, whatever, and you can kind of chat it up with them while they're making your coffee.

And the best thing that you can do is keep the conversation light. And just over time, start warming up to that person. And then next thing you know, you'll start to feel friendly with that person, you know, the person that you see all the time. And when it feels right, you can be like, this is so weird, but like, what if we hung out? And the answer might be no. Like, they might reject you, it's possible. But you might as well try.

The moral of that example was getting out of the house and frequenting the same places often, whether it's your school's library, a local coffee shop, a restaurant, whatever it may be, frequent the same places often, and start to become friends with the people that you see there all the time in a lighthearted, in super surface level way. And then over time, that will develop into something. Be kind to strangers, just like be really kind and lightly conversational with everybody

that you meet, whether you think that they would be a friend to you or not, because you never know who might be your friend. So the key is to keep an open mind and just talk to people that frequent the same places that you frequent and see what it can turn into. Somebody said, how do I know when I need to end a friendship? I think it's really common when you've been friends with somebody for a really long time, but then one friend goes off in the wrong direction, starts going down a bad path and

becomes something that's completely unfamiliar. But you stay in the friendship because you remember the memories of when things were good and you believe that will return at some point. But if too long goes by and this person no longer fills your cup, they empty your cup. When I say that, I mean, think of your emotions as liquid in a cup. And the more liquid you have in the cup,

the happier you are and the less liquid you have in the cup, the happier you are and the less liquid you have in the cup, the less happy you are. Is this a good metaphor? I think it's a pretty common one, but I'm explaining it terribly. Anyway, if months go by and this person is just constantly draining your cup, every time you go to hang out with them, you leave with a more empty cup than you came with. It's that simple. It's time to end the friendship. It's just that simple. If they're constantly draining you in any capacity, whether it's extreme or it's not extreme, it's not worth your while anymore. Being friends with

somebody that you no longer align with is exhausting because they aren't seamless. They're forced. You're forcing yourself to align with somebody who you just don't align with anymore, and that's uncomfortable and exhausting. And even if they're not even necessarily an asshole to you blatantly, it might just be that you guys just don't see eye to eye

anymore and they're just not inspiring to you anymore. And being around them just feels like a chore. And that within itself might be draining your cup and making you just want to not be friends anymore. And that's valid. Someone doesn't need to fully burn you and be evil to you in order for you to decide that you no longer want to be friends with them anymore. It might just be that they don't inspire you anymore.

It might be as simple as that. But if you look at it simply, and you think to yourself, does this person improve my day when I see them or do they not? And if you're honest with yourself and you answer that question and the answer is no, they don't make me feel very happy afterwards. I actually feel more stressed out and worse after I'm with them.

Then it's simple as that. You got to go. Somebody said, I've never really been friends with boys because they just seem sus or don't have the same humor as me, but I really want to have a guy friend. What would you do in that situation? Unfortunately, you just can't force thing like that. It's just, it's going to come its way if it wants to. But I do think that just trying to talk to boys more often and not just shutting them out because they don't normally make good friends to you. Having an open mind and talking to guys in casual, light-hearted, service-level ways, and just seeing if you click with any of them is a great start. Being open-minded is huge, you know, because it sounds like you have a preconceived idea about guys and what type of friends they would be for you.

You know? And so that might make you subconsciously avoid having late-hearted conversations with guys that you meet randomly because you're like, I just don't feel like you're going to be a good friend because no other guys have been good friends. So I don't really, I'm just like, I want to be friends with you, but I just don't even want to try because it's never worked in the past. Try to put all of those preconceived notions aside and try to go into every interaction with a guy with a new fresh slate. Somebody said, I've known my best friends since I was three, but she's been so different and being around her is very draining, but when she constantly says that we're going to

be friends forever, I feel stuck. Has this ever happened to you? Yes, this is very stressful. I totally understand this. And you know, it's hard because you might be in a spot where you're like, wow, I still care about this person, but I just don't really want to be as close with them as we are now and I need to drift away, but I don't want there to be an argument. I don't want conflict. Also, this person knows a lot of stuff about me and like, I've been very vulnerable with this person and we have a lot of memories and I don't want all those to go to waste. I think the key is a slow burn.

You know, and by that I mean, slowly drifting away from the friendship. And it might take a course of six months, it might. But over time, you know, you just slowly, but surely stop hanging out with them as frequently. Maybe make yourself a little bit less available to them over time. And soon, your friendship will drift away naturally.

And that's OK, and that's healthy. And you guys could still be friends and be cool with one another. You just might not be as close as you were at one point. Somebody said, how to deal with negative people in your class that you don't like at all, but you're stuck with them because you're in the same class as them. One thing to remember is that you're not gonna be

in class with them forever. So you just gotta be tough. You just gotta be tough and you just have to deal with it and be nice and be cool with them because probably in less than a year you won't have to be in class with them ever again. It's not going to last forever and in life you're going to meet a lot of people you don't

like and you're going to be stuck with them sometimes. But what you have to do is you just have to be as nice as you possibly can and just remember that it's not forever and you don't have to be around them forever. And you'll never regret being nice to them. Even if they're the biggest asshole to you, who cares? It doesn't matter. Think of it as a funny joke. Think of it as a funny silly joke. Like, oh, how funny and silly it is that they're negative and an asshole to me. I don't even care. I'm just going to be nice and make them feel stupid. Love it. Next thing, you know, six months go by and, you know, you don't have to ever see them in class again because now you have a whole new schedule, okay?

Throughout life, we're going to deal with people that we don't like. And the best thing you can do is just be as nice to them as possible because you'll never regret it. And they may even turn around and stop being as frustrating towards you. Somebody said, how to stop thinking about the future of friendships you have and just enjoy it while it's there.

Because I have like three friends that I think are for life and the rest of them are just there because it have like three friends that I think are for life and the rest of them are just there because it's a routine. When it comes to, you know, the longevity of friendships and stuff like that, you never know. But I will say that throughout my life, I've never seen a friendship go that didn't need to go. Trust that if a friendship is meant to be, it will be.

Same thing with romantic relationships. If it's meant to be, it'll be. And like, if something happens that forces the friendship to end, that just means that the friendship wasn't working and it wasn't meant to be anymore. And you just have to trust that throughout life there's going to be ebbs and flows of things and nothing is certain. And even if everything feels like it's falling apart and this group of friends that you have now that you love so much that you think are for life, don't end up being for life, just know that that's just because there's something else for you waiting for you. And that is true.

You just have to be patient. Anyway, you guys on that note, that's all I got for today. I hope that you enjoyed. I hope that you look at your friendships in your life and think a little deeper about them today. And I'm manifesting happy and healthy and balanced friendships for all of you and myself. And yeah, thank you guys for listening. Thank you guys for hanging out. I appreciate you guys tuning in every week. If you want to follow anything goes, you can do so on any platform that you stream podcasts. If you want to follow the Twitter, it's at AG podcast. And if you want to leave a review on Apple podcasts, you can do so. One of my favorite reviews was one that I got a week or so ago. I got one star out of five and somebody said, what did they say? I'm

gonna tell you exactly what they said. I'm calling them out. I'm fully calling them out and shutting them right now. I'm kidding. Somebody said, I tried to give this podcast a chance but the host burped in the microphone within the first 15 minutes into the pod. Oh no, within the first 15 seconds of the pod, no thanks. Thank you for your review. I totally get it. My burps are super out of control.

It's now my fault that I have really terrible digestion. You can blame my genetics for that. And all jokes aside, I really do appreciate your guys' reviews. Seriously, they make my day whenever I decide to go on there and read them. I have cried multiple times reading reviews because you guys are just so sweet and I appreciate what we've created here. And that's all I got. I'll talk to you guys are just so sweet and I appreciate what we've created here. And that's all I got. I'll talk to you guys soon.

Bye bye.