anything goes with emma chamberlain - "happiness is only real when shared" [video]

Episode Date: July 27, 2023

[video available on spotify] recently i watched a movie that was pretty good, and one of the last scenes provided a quote that has been stuck in my brain ever since. the main character writes down in the margins of a book, “happiness is only real when shared.” now i rarely see a quote and think to myself, i've actually never thought that before. but this quote blew my mind. i know we're gonna be fighting against cringe this whole episode because it is a little corny to talk about a quote to the length that i'm about to talk about a quote. but there's just so much truth here and unfortunately for you, i just have to. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Here's an interesting fun fact about me. I don't watch a lot of movies. I like movies. It's not that I don't like movies. I do like movies, but I don't like to start things that I can't finish. And there are two reasons why I may struggle to finish a movie. Number one, it's too much of a time commitment. You know, an hour into a movie, I'm like, I need to go organize my garage, actually. I have to. I have to do it now. And then I never go back and finish the movie. Or I start a movie before bed, and I fall asleep before I finish it.

You know, because it's, again, it's a big time commitment before bed. But another reason why I'm not finishing a movie is because I don I finish it. You know, because it's again, it's a big time commitment before bed. But another reason why I might not finish a movie is because I don't like it. Right? 30 minutes in. I'm like, this movie is awful. Like it's, it's actually uncomfortable for me to watch because it's just so bad and I just don't like it. So I want to turn the movie off. But the problem with that is when I start something, I feel like I have to turn the movie off, but the problem with that is when I start something I feel like I have to finish it. Now that's something I need to talk about with a psychologist. Okay, so listen, I know that there's a problem there. Like that's clearly wrong.

If I don't like a movie, I should be able to just turn it off at any point and then start a new movie But there's something about me and my brain where my brain's like no, you can't do that. That's failing Working on that But all of that to say I recently did watch a movie that was pretty good I was bored at some parts but because of who I am I Refused to turn it off and I sat through the whole thing and I'm so incredibly grateful that I did

because one of the last scenes in the movie provided a quote that has been stuck in my brain ever since and I watched this movie probably a month ago. So the movie I watched was Into the Wild. And this movie is about, okay, I will spoil the movie. So if you want to watch the movie, maybe go watch it and then come listen to this, because I actually unfortunately have to spoil it in order to talk about it. This movie is about a young man who graduates high school and instead of going to college, he basically runs away from his family to go explore around North America on foot. And his end goal is to get to the Alaskan wilderness, which is really cold and really dangerous. And the whole movie, you're pretty much seeing him make special connections with other people.

And that's what the majority of the movie is, is him just meeting various people in creating unique relationships along the way. But eventually he does make it to the Alaskan wilderness and he is alone. He's completely alone. But once he gets there and he's completely alone, it becomes sort of challenging. But then it gets really challenging when he accidentally eats poisonous seeds or something or poisonous berries or something. And he gets really sick. And he's basically going to die and he does die. But before he dies, there's a scene where he writes down in a book in between the margins

of a book. Happiness is only real when shared. Number one, this is a true story, which makes it all the more impactful. Number two, I rarely see a quote and think to myself, wow, I've actually never thought that before. Like that has never crossed my mind. But this quote, it like blew my mind and it's so simple, but yet it is so true. And I know we're going to be fighting against cringe this whole episode because talking about a quote, it is a little corny to talk about a quote to the length that I'm about to talk about a quote, but there's just so much here and and I unfortunately I just have to I have to. So I think the reason why this quote slapped me in the face was because I've spent the last few years really working on my independence. And at times, sheltering myself from others as a means to become less reliant on others

and to truly find independence. And I have a tendency at times to take things to the extreme at times. Not in every situation, but it's definitely a common theme in my life. It's definitely something I do a lot. For the last few years, I've been really, really working on my independence more than I ever have at any other point in my life.

The reason why I was so focused on it was because, prior to a few years ago, I was constantly around people. And the reason why I was constantly around friends when I first moved to LA was because I lacked a level of foundation. Now, you definitely need other people involved in building a foundation, but that can't be all that you have.

You know, a proper foundation in life consists of a level of independence and comfort with yourself, combined with good people, combined with other things that make you feel fulfilled like hobbies or a job that you love, etc. But when I first moved to LA, I was trying to build a foundation with just one piece of the puzzle, which is other people. And I was also using other people as a distraction from my mental challenges that I was facing, living alone for the first time, and living away from my family for the first time and feeling kind of out of control of my new life, like feeling overwhelmed by my new life, I guess. And so I had sort of an epiphany

where I was like, wait, I need to find independence and create that part of my foundation in my life and create that part of my foundation in my life, because my lack of independence and my reliance on other people was making me miserable. And so I made this decision that I was going to focus on forming that independence. And I've spent the last few years doing that. And it's been incredibly beneficial for me on so many levels. But as I mentioned earlier, I tend to take things to the extremes.

And I think it sort of became imbalanced, right? Like I definitely spend too much time alone sometimes. Now, I don't think there's anything wrong with my process necessarily. You know, over the course of my life, I've kind of experienced both extremes in a way. I've experienced relying too heavily on other people, and then I've also experienced being too independent at times and isolating myself too much. And I think I'm at a place now where I'm trying to find the healthy balance. I mean, life is sort of a constant battle, fighting to maintain a level of balance between two opposites.

So seeing this quote really slapped me in the face because it couldn't have come at a better time because it sort of brought to my attention the fact that I was craving balance there. You know, I'd swung too far one direction where I was isolating myself a little bit too much and seeing this quote really brought to the front of my mind that I need to kind of balance things out. One of the first things I realized as I was digesting this quote was that I think a huge reason why

I was pushing myself to spend so much time alone was because I wasn't reaching the level of happy when alone that I experience when I'm with others. You know, on good days of being alone and being independent, I felt content and introspective and calm and somewhat fulfilled on good days, right? But I was never as happy as I was around other people. And I think I felt like there was something wrong with me, or like I was doing it wrong. Like I wasn't independent enough yet. And that's why I wasn't feeling the same level of happiness alone

that I was around others. And so I think that that's why I isolated myself so much because I was like, I'm clearly not there yet. I clearly haven't achieved the level of independence that I want to achieve because I was striving to be equally as happy alone as I was with others. Now, I didn't realize how unrealistic that was. Like, I made that goal for myself in my head.

I want to be as happy alone as I am with others. And that, if I can achieve that, that will be really empowering for me. And that will allow me to build a well-rounded foundation for myself in life. But I didn't really think about whether or not that was an achievable goal. I just assumed it was, and then did whatever I thought would allow me to reach that goal. But until seeing this quote on the screen, I didn't realize that that actually might be completely unrealistic. When I thought about it more, I was like, I think happiness just looks different

alone than it does around other people. Happiness alone is much milder, much more calm. It's more just like contentment, this silent happiness. Whereas happiness shared is loud and intense and passionate at times. Not always. Sometimes shared happiness can look the same as happiness alone, but happiness shared just has so much more potential for that intense joy. When I think about my happiest moments alone, I think about traveling alone.

I love traveling alone, especially to big cities, like almost only to big cities, actually. Like going to New York by myself is therapeutic. I actually need to do that soon. Traveling alone to big cities actually. Like going to New York by myself is therapeutic. I actually need to do that soon. Traveling alone to big cities, there's something about that for me. I just love it. And I think that's, I think a lot of people enjoy that. I'm not special for enjoying that. But it's interesting because when I think about my favorite moments alone, I think about those moments traveling alone When I think about my favorite moments alone, I think about those moments traveling alone to big cities. And the irony is when I actually think about those memories,

I was not alone at all. You're almost never alone in a big city because everywhere you go, everything that you do, you're around people. And I think the reason why I love traveling alone to big cities so much is that I'm actually inspired to talk to new people and spark up a random conversation. And when I'm around my friends and family, I'm much less likely to do that, right? So the irony is some of my favorite moments of independence were so joyful for me because they actually, I

actually wasn't alone. I was independent because I was doing my own thing and taking care of myself, but I wasn't alone at all because I was being incredibly social. So that was interesting. And then I started thinking about my day-to- day life where I'm alone a lot. And when I think about it, my daily routine is filled with calling my loved ones. I call my parents every day all the time. You know, I'll call my friends. I'll call, I'll text my friends. And that's what makes being alone enjoyable is that I still do get to communicate with my loved ones. So again, those moments are not happy without talking to my loved ones. All of my pleasant memories of independence don't involve me being completely alone.

It's very rare that we're completely alone, right? And when I look at some of my favorite memories in general in life, when I was the happiest and I was the most fulfilled, every single memory involves other people, every single memory. Could be a stranger, could be my parents, but every single memory involves other people. I was so laser-focused on becoming comfortable alone and building independence that I just forgot about all the value that other people bring to the table. And I think without even realizing it, I was trying to get to a point where I didn't feel like I needed other people. And that's just not possible.

I was sort of striving for this like impossible level of independence. That's just not even healthy, you know. But again, I have a tendency to do that. I have a tendency to go to the extremes and do it to the best of my ability. Like if I make a goal, I'm like, okay, I'm going to do it to the best of my ability, which usually leads me to pain eventually. But those were sort of my initial reactions. But now let's sort of dissect the quote.

Because no quote is ever perfect, right? Quotes present this huge massive idea in a few words. And that's really hard to do, 100% accurately, right? Literally every quote requires a level of nuance. The beauty of a good quote is that it sort of begs the reader of the quote to fill in the blanks and come to a good conclusion. That's the beauty of a good quote,

but I wanna dissect the quote. Sorry, I wanna dissect the quote. Like we're in school right now. You know, I wanna really break down the quote. So we're gonna school right now. You know, I want to really break down the quote. So we're going to break it down. Okay, let me remind you of the quote. As if I haven't said it enough. Happiness is only real when shared.

First, I think we break down the word happiness. Because wow, what a complicated fucking word. Really, wow, that's complicated. Okay. Happiness by definition is a positive and pleasant emotion, ranging from contentment to intense joy. Now, it was interesting to Google the definition of happiness because it's something I've actually never done. I've only ever just assumed what happiness was, and it made me realize that many of us, myself included, have the wrong idea about what happiness actually is. I always thought of happiness as intense joy, you know, like intense joy,

know, like intense joy, belly laughing, like that's how I've always thought of happiness. I rarely think of contentment when I think of happiness, just being calm and fulfilled and comfortable because that's happiness too, but I rarely think of that when I think of the word happiness. I rarely think of that when I think of the word happiness I always think of the extreme But I think that that's why this quote feels so Accurate upon reading it because although happiness can look like contentment and

calmness and fulfillment we rarely think of that we usually think of intense joy when we think of happiness. And intense joy pretty much only is real when shared. At least based on my own experience, you just can't reach that level of joy alone. I mean, maybe it's possible, listen, I don't know, maybe it's possible. But if it is possible, it's very rare, right?

I think that that's why this quote feels so accurate because yes, happiness can be real when not shared in a mild way, in a calm way, but we just don't think of happiness as mild and calm usually. I guess the nuance with the word happiness is intense happiness is only real one shared that like if we were to add another word to make it even more accurate that's what I would add but obviously that's not what quotes are about. It doesn't have to be perfectly accurate word for word you know it's the job of the reader to fill in the blanks. But I think that that's the nuance needed there

to make that accurate, right? Okay, next chunk of our quote is only real, right? Happiness is only real when shared. We're analyzing the word real. I actually did Google the definition of real. Again, a word we never, ever look up because it's just so obvious what the definition is. But I was like, hey, you know what? Let's just look it up.

Something is real when it's actually existing as a thing or occurring in fact, not imagined or supposed. Supposed. That's embarrassing. So the nuance here for me was that obviously anything that happens, whether you're alone or you're with other people is real. If it happens in the real world, it's real. It happened. Even if nobody was there to see it, it still happened. But what's interesting is moments do feel more real when they're shared with others. There's something about the reassurance that we get from other people sharing the same experience and having the same reaction that you have that further solidifies

in your brain that this event happened. You know, so in the case of this quote, a happy moment feels even more real when it's shared with somebody else because you get this reassurance and this validation almost that your emotion is real because someone else is having the same experience with you. Whereas when you're alone, you're relying on simply how you feel to determine whether a moment is happy, sad, neutral, whatever. There's no validation that what you're feeling is the proper response to an event, right? I feel like we're much less sure of our emotions at times when we're alone, because we don't have that reassurance from others. When a comedian makes a joke at a comedy show, in everyone laughs, you included.

You're pretty certain that that joke was funny because everybody around you laughed and you did too. Whereas, when you're at home and you're watching a comedy special on TV and you laugh, you might be like, yeah, that was funny, but how funny was it really? Because you're the only one there that laughed. It's like, it's harder to be certain of your stance in things when you're the only one there that laughed. It's like, it's harder to be certain of your stance in things when you're the only one reacting, right? So I don't know. There's just something there.

There's something about how experiencing things with other people make them feel more real. And I think that that's why this wording is so interesting. Happiness is only real when shared, because it is kind of true that feeling like vivid, intense happiness alone, it's just so rare, I think. Sadness alone, on the other hand. That's a little easier to feel. You know, that is not challenging and that can be vivid.

We've been there, but there's something about happiness. It's just hard to feel in an extreme way alone. It's also so easy to get stuck in your imagination when you're alone. Like, I don't know. There's just something so grounding about being around other people and talking about things and sharing emotions together. I should clarify when you're around good people, because about things and sharing emotions together. I should clarify, when you're around good people, because when you're around bad people, all bets are off, but when you're around good people,

you know, there's constant checks and balances, right? And things are just much more grounded in reality. Whereas when you're alone, you can get all stuck in your imagination. And you can get all stuck in your imagination. And you can, at times, create emotions that aren't a reaction to reality, how it's happening right here. You can create an emotion that's based on a hypothetical scenario that you've created in your mind, you know.

And it's so easy to spiral out in that way when you're alone because you don't have anybody to help bring you back to earth. For example, when I'm alone, I will spiral out about something. Like I will convince myself that I am a failure in life, right? I will convince myself I'm a failure and I'll become so upset. And then I'll call up my dad and start talking to him about it. And then we'll be like, no, are you fucking stupid? Here's why you're wrong. He basically brings me back to earth and says, no, here's the reality of the situation. Number one, you're not a failure. Number two, of course, you failed before because we all have.

And here's why that's such a special thing. Here's why that's such a special thing. Here's why that's such an important thing. And to hear it from him just brings me down to earth, you know, to hear it from anyone would help me come back to earth. Spiraling out about something is so much easier when you are alone. Whereas when you're around other people, it's just, it's harder for it to spiral out of control because you have somebody to talk to who has a more rational perspective

usually, right? It's easy to become a rational about your own situation because you have so much more skin in the game, whereas somebody else is going to be able to look at things from a bird's eye view and say, no, here's what's really going on. So the last piece of this quote, the word I said, the word shared. Happiness is only real when shared. I think the nuance needed here is that happiness is only real when shared with the right people. Okay. Happiness can be shared with bad people. It's possible, it's totally possible.

But that's not the right idea. Like, yes, we need to be around people in life. And sometimes we need to be around bad people because it teaches us a thing or two. For sure. But a lot of times you're better off being alone than being with bad people because it teaches us a thing or two. For sure. But a lot of times you're better off being alone than being with bad people. You're better off working on yourself alone than being around bad people. So this quote kind of only applies in my opinion when the happiness being shared

my opinion when the happiness being shared is being shared with good people. And I think that that's pretty obvious in self-explanatory, but I've had moments in my life where I've kind of been around bad people. And I've shared happy moments with those people, actually. But what's interesting is I don't even remember because those aren't good people. And so the bad memories with those people that are bad override the good memories in a way, which make those happy moments almost disappear. I'm trying to think back at times that I've maybe spent time with people that weren't doing good things. I don't think that they're okay okay, is anyone a bad person? That's a topic for another day.

Like at the time these people were bad people, they were doing bad things, they didn't have the right morals and values, et cetera, but at the same time, they could be a good person now. So I don't want to, you know, just have to say that. But anyway, when I think about potential good memories with those types of people, it's almost like I've blocked it out of my memory. Like I literally can't remember the good times. I can't because all I can remember is the bad. Like that's fascinating because if I look back on happy memories with people who I think are good

people, it's like easy. It comes right to mind. So now that we've dissected the quote, I think it's safe to say it is a good quote. You know, there is nuance needed in some areas for sure as there always is, but it's a great quote. It's a great quote and it really opened up a neuro pathway in my brain for some reason. Like it fully just unlocked a door in my brain for some reason. Like it fully just unlocked a door in my brain and swung it open. And I really appreciate that it did because it really made me rethink

how I structure my life in a lot of ways. You know, structure my priorities in a lot of ways. I'm clearly in a place now where I need to find balance and I need to lean into friendships more and I need to lean into meeting new people and you know all these positive things. And you know, the last thing that this quote really made me realize or remember was how much more fun things become with other people. Like eating at a restaurant alone can be totally enjoyable. It can be challenging for some, but it can also be really enjoyable for some.

But eating at a restaurant with good people, I mean, there's very few things more fun and enjoyable and happy than that. Traveling alone can be really fun. It can be really fun. Even if you're in some place remote, it can be maybe fun for some people, for sure. Can also be challenging for some people, but traveling with friends or traveling to a busy city

where you're gonna meet new people on every corner, that is an incredible experience. Ten times more fun and happy and enjoyable than traveling alone. In my opinion, going shopping alone, that's fun. I love going shopping alone. But going shopping with friends, wow, that's fun. Being able to show your friends like, hey, do you think this is cute? So fun. Something as shitty as getting locked out of your house or getting your car toad or going to a doctor's appointment

can actually become fun with the right people. I'm not kidding. Incredible memories can come from a shitty situation with good people. Do you know what I'm saying? And I can think of so many instances where that's happened. Moral story, moral story, in conclusion. It really is all about balance because I do think that being alone is incredibly important.

Reflecting on yourself is incredibly important. Having a sense of independence is incredibly important. Reflecting on yourself is incredibly important. Having a sense of independence is incredibly important. And trying to reach a mild level of happiness while alone is important. You know, having that goal to reach this sort of mild level of happiness alone. I think that's all healthy and good. And I think it directly affects how we are around others. You know, when we can't find comfort and contentment alone, we put too much pressure on those around us to be available 24-7 for us because we can't bear being alone. And then that can sort of damage friendships and relationships. And so that's not good. You need to be alone sometimes. You need to be independent,

but it's equally important to spend time with other people, share moments with other people. They're both equally as important, you know? And it can be easy to lose sight of one when you're focused on the other, but I think the ultimate goal, right, is to find the perfect balance there. And to be honest, you probably,

like there's no such thing as a perfect balance. There just isn't. Maybe for like 30 seconds in life, we might have a perfect balance of everything, right? It's just talk about an impossible goal. That's kind of an impossible goal. But I think the ultimate goal is to maintain as much balance there as possible. And that's all I got for today. That is all I have to say. Go watch the movie into the wild if you want. Again, it was a little boring for me at parts. I'll be honest.

It was a little long, right? But it was still amazing. And listen, it gave me an incredible quote. Okay. We're not complaining. This is a great movie. And thank you for listening and hanging out. You know, I'm kind of concerned because I really enjoyed it. And that scares me because what happens when I become addicted to analyzing quotes? And that's all I do anymore. And it's like, okay you guys, so today we're gonna be talking about this quote if I'm not Pinterest. The quote is Life's a Beach.

Do you remember that? That was a 2010 quote being like Life's a Beach. And we're just playing in the sand. Like what the fuck does that even mean? I actually don't know. Maybe we should analyze that quote next because genuinely what the fuck does that mean? Thank you all for listening. Thank you all for hanging out. It is always my pleasure truly. It is always my pleasure. And I just am so grateful that any of you come in and listen and hang out, tune in every Thursday and Sunday for new episodes of Anything Goes. Follow, subscribe,

do all of those various things. If you want to keep up, you can also follow anything goes on Instagram at Anything Goes or on Twitter at AG, to haven't made a thread yet. Haven't made a thread yet. Still, I'm so late to this stuff every single time. So just bear with me. Check out my coffee company, Chamberlain Coffee. Today I'm drinking. Do you hear that? It's my, it's my matcha latte.

Delicious. It's really delicious. Today I'm drinking an iced matcha latte. Delicious. It's really delicious. Today I'm drinking an ice machel latte. Chamberlain coffee is coffee. It is tea. Use code AG 15 if you want a little discount. Follow me on Instagram and Emma Chamberlain if you want to keep up with me and what I'm doing. And that's all I have to say. Yeah, TTYL. Talk to you later.