anything goes with emma chamberlain - healthy relationships

Episode Date: February 13, 2021

Healthy relationships are hard to come by, can be difficult to maintain, and take a lot of effort. But, Emma has found all the keys to a healthy relationship based on her experiences. Tips on how to find them, ways to keep them strong, when to notice one isn’t working, and avoiding toxic relationships. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hi guys, welcome back to anything goes. I'm Emma Chamberlain, your host and your Bestie. How are you doing today? I hope you're having an amazing day. That was the intro moving on. Okay, to start out this episode, I'm not going to get right into the topic because I feel like I need to give these two recommendations to you of things that I think that you should incorporate into your life. Number one, going on runs in nature, going on a little jog in nature, maybe even going on a walk in nature, find your local hiking trail or something of that sort. And try to hit the hiking trail a few times a week.

Go for a jog, go for a walk. I don't care. It's incredible. I never thought that it would make my life better to run in nature. I didn't think it mattered. I was like, okay, as long as I'm releasing some endorphins from exercise who cares? But going for a jog around your neighborhood versus going for

a jog on like a hiking trail or like a nature trail, there's a huge difference. Going on a jog in your neighborhood is just exercising. It doesn't actually help your brain as much. Going for a jog, going for a walk in nature is a game changer. It just clears your mind in a different way. I can't explain it, but it does. Try it. My second recommendation is meditating. I know, I know, I never thought I'd be the one to say it,

but the other day I went on a little jog on this hiking trail. And when I was done, I found a bench and I decided to sit on it and do a 10 minute guided meditation. Now listen, I look like an idiot sitting on this bench with my eyes closed and my AirPods in doing a meditation, I know, I looked stupid, trust me. If you would have walked by me,

you would have laughed at me or thought I was dead because my eyes were closed and it was like very frightening probably to see. Well, in fact, I was not dead. I was actually completely the opposite. I was centering my mind, body, and spirit on a bench next to a hiking trail. That's exactly what I was doing. I was far from death in that moment.

Meditating is great. I recommend doing it in the morning. 10 minutes is all it takes. It's easier than you think. It's really not that bad. I mean, listen, I'm not good at it yet because I still don't know how to fully clear my mind, but even just trying to clear my mind was an amazing start to my day.

I like to do a meditation that has a lady guiding you through it and rain sounds. That's the one I've been listening to. It's like, there's rain sounds and ladies telling you to take deep breaths. It's fucking great. I mean listen, it's hard to stay consistent with it, but I really think it's good for us. It's good for us to just sit there and silence for 10 minutes. I guess it's not silence because there's rain sounds in a woman's voice, but you go and I'm saying,

it's good to sit there with just your mind and that's it. It's important, it's not necessarily the most fun thing, but it's important and it's been helping me a lot. So those are a few little recommendations that I have for you guys. Those are a few things I've incorporated into my week this week that have made me feel good, and I wanted to share. Okay, but moving on, Valentine's Day is coming up. Hopefully you're listening to this today comes out because then Valentine's Day is in a few days. If you're listening to this after

the fact, just ignore me, I guess Valentine's Day will come up again. It happens every year, so just be patient. But in honor of Valentine's Day, I decided that we would do an episode about how to have a healthy relationship. It's interesting because I've always been really fascinated by the psychology of relationships, it's so fascinating that two people choose each other to be their person forever or for just a period of time. It's really fascinating to me that humans do that. And it makes sense, you know what I mean? Because the point of humans is to reproduce and make more kids. That's how we have to be wired in order for

our species to continue if we want to go biology with it, but it's kind of interesting how relationships work and how they are. I've always been so interested in relationships. Always, I could be interested in relationships because my parents got divorced when I was really young, so I didn't really have a relationship to look at as a blueprint necessarily. That could be totally it. But I also just find it fascinating.

Why are two people attracted to each other? Why do they choose each other? What makes a healthy relationship? What makes a healthy relationship? What makes a toxic relationship? Etc. I've always been very interested in this. And through my own life experience and from observing my friends and families' relationships throughout my life, I feel like I've gotten a pretty good understanding of what makes a healthy relationship. I feel like I've gotten a pretty good understanding of what makes a healthy relationship. Okay, listen, I'm only 19.

I don't know everything. I don't necessarily know if even what I'm saying is true, but I did run it by my parents. They were like, Emma, this is pretty solid. I believe all of this to be true. And I'm excited to share it with you because one of the biggest things I've noticed from analyzing every relationship that passes me by, I don't know what it is about me, but I love analyzing everybody's relationships, okay.

So one thing I've learned from that is majority of relationships are actually not healthy. I can maybe list all of the healthy relationships I've ever seen in my life on one hand. That's sad. But I think it's because a lot of people don't know what a healthy relationship looks like. And a lot of people would rather just settle for a bad relationship just because it's comfortable. When in reality you don't need to do that and you should never settle. I think that this could be a good reminder for people who are either in a relationship or who are looking for a relationship,

this is what you should be striving for. This is how you nurture a healthy relationship. This is how you maintain a healthy relationship, et cetera. I mean, listen, I could go on all day about different things that you can do to have a healthy relationship. But these are just a few things that I've noticed that have really stuck out to me

through my own personal experience and through analyzing everybody's relationship on the planet that I can get my eyes on. Before I get into my tips on how to maintain nurture and keep a healthy relationship, I think it would be important to lay out some ground rules, right? Some deal breakers. These are the ultimate red flags. These are an immediate no from me. And they seem obvious, but you'd be surprised how many people

will accept these behaviors. Number one, obviously cheating. In my opinion, I wouldn't be with somebody who has ever cheated on me. That to me personally is a deal breaker. I would rather find another person in the pool of seven billion people on this planet than stay with somebody who cheated on me.

I just can't rationalize that, and so that for me is a deal breaker. And I would recommend that it should be for you too. Number two, this also seems obvious, but when you're in the moment, it's not as obvious as you would think. And that's obviously any physical or emotional abuse in any way.

The thing is, sometimes when you're in an abusive relationship, you won't even know it. And that's what makes it so hard, you'll become blind to it in a sense. But make sure you're checking in with yourself and being honest with yourself. Is this relationship toxic to a point where it's abusive? And if so, that is an immediate exit.

And I know it can be really scary. I know it can feel like the hard way. But never be afraid to seek the help that you need to get out of that. Never be afraid to seek advice, therapy, whatever it may be to get out of that relationship, do it. There's no overreacting. There's no being dramatic.

If you are in an abusive relationship in any way, your number one priority should be to get out of it. Number three, compulsive lying. Lying about where they are, lying about big stuff. Like I'm not talking about lying like, okay, if, you know, lying is like kind of complicated because sometimes you can lie about something and it's not harming them. You know what I'm saying?

Like let's say they cooked a meal for you and you hate it and you lie. Okay, that's not going to kill anyone. You're just trying to preserve their feelings. But if they're lying about where they are all the time, they're lying about what they're doing, that to me is an immediate no. That's an immediate red flag. Again, don't put up with shit that you don't need to put up with. And last but not least, a relationship that's constantly on and off where you or the other person can never fully commit. If either of you are not 100% in it to win it, you should probably take a step back

because I find that that can get really emotionally taxing really quickly. In a relationship, both people should want to be all in at the same time, okay? That's what makes a healthy relationship, unfortunately. And that's why there a healthy relationship, unfortunately. And that's why there's such a thing as right person wrong time. Because sometimes it is the right person, but it's the wrong time.

You're not ready to go 100% full in. They're not ready to go 100% full in. Then you're going to have to wait on it because it's not going to be a healthy relationship if you try to push through that. So those four things are my deal breakers. If any of those are present in your relationship, you should really consider ending it. In my opinion, listen, you can do you,

I trust you, but also keep that in mind. Those are things that I don't think that you should tolerate. And I also don't think that if a relationship has any of those things, they're worth fighting for. Sometimes things are too bad, too poor where they're not worth fighting for. Does that make sense? Sometimes fighting for a relationship that's not even halfway positive seems like the right answer, but it's not.

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Or what if my home gets broken into? But State Farm can help you with some of those big what if I get into a fender bender or what if my home gets broken into but State Farm can help you with some of those big what-ifs they're available to answer your questions day or night you can reach them 24-7 file a claim on the State Farm mobile app or simply call your agent to ask what's on your mind like you good neighbor State Farm is there call or go to stateform.com for a quote today. Okay, now we're going to get into my tips for maintaining a healthy relationship. Now something I'm gonna say before I get into my tips is that a lot of people think

that being in a healthy relationship is easy. A lot of people think maintaining a healthy relationship is supposed to be easy. It's actually not. In my opinion, it's actually harder. Because in order to maintain and nurture a healthy relationship, you have to be extremely vulnerable. You have to put your ego aside constantly. You have to be selfless.

You have to be selfless, you have to be loyal, you have to put yourself in somebody else's shoes a lot, and you have to be a lot more thoughtful than you would if you were single. Being in a healthy relationship actually will force you to grow usually, And that can also be really uncomfortable. It will force you to grow because the person that you're with is going to force you to look at things with a different perspective. That may be even looking at your past, the way that you look at certain life philosophies, etc cetera. Being in a healthy relationship and sharing opinions with your significant other will force you to grow in those ways as well.

And that can be really uncomfortable too. Being in a healthy relationship is, in my opinion, way more difficult. So, I'm never going to say, oh, being in a healthy relationship is easy. It's actually harder. It's almost oh, being in a healthy relationship is easy. It's actually harder. It's almost easy to be in a toxic relationship where you're cheating on each other, and you're being petty towards one another.

You're being hateful towards one another. Because being hateful, cheating, being disrespectful doesn't take any courage. Being kind to your significant other when you're having a hard day is actually really difficult. And on that note, my first tip for you is to acknowledge your own insecurities and trust issues. This is huge because to be honest,

everybody on the planet has insecurities. Most people on the planet have trust issues. These are normal things. But these things I've found getting the way of a good relationship more than anything else. Letting your insecurities and your trust issues dictate how you behave towards your partner is one of the quickest ways to turn a healthy relationship sour.

But at the same time, everybody has trust issues. Everybody has insecurities. These are very normal and common things. The key is to learn how to control them. The key is to understand them, and the key is to not let them control you. But the first step to that is acknowledging that you have them. Let's say you were cheated on your last relationship. Be aware that your fighter flight mode might go up when your partner is doing even anything

out of the ordinary because you're used to being cheated on. Let's say you're really insecure about your job, but your significant other is really successful in their job. Acknowledge that when things are going really well for your partner, that might make you feel even more insecure than you were before because you're insecure about your career. You see what I'm saying?

Acknowledge that insecurities and trust issues impact your behavior and impact how you feel about your partner. Even if it has nothing to do with them. Trust issues and insecurities last forever. They fluctuate. They might go away for a period of time, but they're always there. It's like they leave a stamp in your brain, you know, and you will grow out of some of them, but a lot of them do truly less forever. I think the thing that you should work on is trying to make them smaller and smaller.

You know what I'm saying? I'm gonna give you an example of a scenario where your own personal issues may cause an argument. Let's say your significant other has been coming home late from work every night all week. In your last relationship, you got cheated on and your significant other was lying about where they were and was out late at night and was cheating on you.

You have trust issues. You also have insecurity because you're like, why did I get cheated on if I'm this great of a person? I must not be that great of a person. Okay, let's say you're in a new relationship with a completely new person. And they just had a crazy work week and they've been coming home late every night.

This starts to create some fight or flight in your brain. Your brain's like, this has happened to me before. I know what he's doing. I know he's cheating on me. I know he's cheating on me because even though I have his location and even though I know that he's at work and I know that he's never lied to me and I know that I can trust him. This has happened to me before. I had my guard down last time and look what happened.

So then when your significant other gets home from work, you're petty with them. Because you know you don't have anything to bring up to them. You know you can't bring anything up. They didn't do anything wrong. But you're being petty towards them. You're being even maybe rude to them because your friter flight is up

and you're feeling insecure Your trust issues are acting up you think that they could be cheating on you when deep down you know that that's not true But your fighter flight in your brain is telling you they're doing something wrong something's up here Even though you have no real reason to believe that except for the fact that somebody has done it to you before The way that I would say that you handled the situation better is you talk yourself down. You say, listen, they have never done anything to me

or showed any signs to me that have showed anything but loyalty. They've only been loyal to me. They've only ever been honest to me. I need to judge this person based on only how they've behaved towards me. I'm not going to hold my new significant other responsible for the fucked up shit that my old significant other has done to me, significant other. I'm not going to carry that with me. I'm going to let that go. I'm going to leave that memory with my ex and I'm going to create new trust with my new significant other. I'm going to let that go. I'm going to leave that memory with my ex and I'm going

to create new trust with my new significant other. I'm not going to be petty just because this one thing struck a chord in me. I'm not going to be cold and distant towards my partner because this one thing is a trigger for me. I'm either going to talk myself out of it or I'm going to communicate with my partner and say, hey, this has happened to me before. I have trust issues in this area. Can we figure something out so that I just know that everything's okay? Maybe that means calling when there's a break in the late night work situation.

Maybe that means texting updates every few hours, whatever that may mean, work out something with your partner so that your trust issues can be catered to, there's no resentment there. And your partner is not confused, like, why are they being weird towards me? When you're like, well, because I think that they're cheating on me and my defenses are going up, you see what I'm saying? It's kind of a hard and abstract thing to explain, but I hope that I did a good job there. Acknowledge when you are taking something personal

or your trust issues are acting up and you're taking it out on your partner and it's not necessary. Or maybe even you just feel like in general that you haven't been receiving enough attention from your partner. Think about it. Have you been insecure recently? Are you having your own personal issues that are making you create resentment towards your partner? Or is your partner genuinely giving

you the cold shoulder, genuinely making rude remarks, genuinely like not being a supportive and good partner? Because that's also totally possible and that's something that absolutely should be brought up. But I would say seven out of 10 times, you're projecting your issues onto your partner. You're blaming your partner for your upset when reality it has everything to do with you. You're thinking, ah, like they're not giving me enough attention

and like, I hate them,, they're not a good partner. When in reality, it's like, no, your work life is not going well. Maybe you're having a break out and you feel insecure about your skin. Maybe you just feel bad about yourself for no goddamn reason because it happens. That could fully be the reason why you're resenting your partner. When on a normal day, when everything's going smoothly, you wouldn't have any resentment towards your partner. You'd have nothing to project onto.

I think a lot of people will project their problems onto their significant other when they're struggling, and they'll blame their significant other for their problems because they don't know where else to project that energy and they would rather project it onto their partner, then project it inwards and realize, wait, I'm actually the problem here.

I don't have my life together. My habits in life haven't been very good or things just aren't going my way. So acknowledge whether or not it's a you problem or it's a them problem. An example of a them problem would be they haven't been listening to you when you're talking about your day. They haven't been asking you how you're doing. They haven't been checking in on you. They haven't been doing things to help you out. They have seemed really disconnected from you.

Maybe they're saying things that are kind of rude or just like not nice, maybe making little jabs at you. That's absolutely something that you should bring up. But if they've just been really busy and they're doing their best and they're not really doing anything wrong, then that's really a time for you to look inward and be like, wait, this is me. I'm not going to be petty towards my partner because they're not actually doing anything wrong.

But sometimes in a relationship, it's hard to admit that you are the one with the problem, not them. It's a lot easier to just lash out at your partner when you're feeling insecure, when you have trust issues, et cetera. It's a lot easier to just take it out on them, rather than to look inward and force yourself to look inward and be like, wait, this is me, this is about me.

Another thing that I think is interesting is a lot of the times when people in a relationship are hurting, they will just want to be petty towards their partner for literally no reason. No reason. I've seen this happen time and time again with relationships that I've looked at or observed, but also even in my own. There's been days when I've looked at or observed, but also even in my own. There's been days when I've been in a bad mood and I've been in a relationship. And I've just been like, oh, I don't even fucking

want to respond to them because I want to make them feel bad. This is something I did when I was younger. I don't really do this anymore. I've even done this in like a while, but when I was younger, I would like ignore a significant other all day, just to make them feel bad because I felt bad. I felt like shit, so I would literally ignore my significant other all day, just so that

they would feel bad because it for some reason made me feel better. I know it's sick and twisted, but I can guarantee most people have done this. There's something about bringing somebody into your misery when you're feeling like shit. That makes you feel better. And so by ignoring your significant other all day, you know you're going to upset them. You know that's going to make them feel bad. Because if they did that to you, it would make you feel bad. So you do it just so that you can feel like you have company in your misery. And it's almost subconscious most of the time.

I used to justify this behavior by being like, well, they're not even that good of a significant other anyway. And to be honest, they weren't when I was like in my younger relationships. Those relationships were absolutely fucking awful. I mean, so not good, right? But still, like, I shouldn't have been behaving like that. Whether or not I was dating good people, that still was toxic behavior.

To purposely ignore and then be short with my partner just because I was in a bad mood and I wanted them to feel like shit, that is not okay. But a lot of people do this. And even to this day, even when I'm in healthy relationships, I still sometimes I'm like, fuck everybody, fuck everything. I'm in a bad mood.

I feel like shit. And guess what? Everybody's coming down with me. And I have to turn those thoughts off. I literally have to turn those thoughts off and actively make an effort to be thoughtful towards my partner during those moments of weakness because I know that I can't behave like how I used to. I can't do that toxic shit. It's not good, it's playing games and it's trying to take somebody down with you when you feel like shit.

Anytime you want to be petty with your partner, really weigh the pros and cons. Usually there will be no pros. Being petty in relationships is the biggest waste of time. Communicate about how you're feeling. Be like, listen, I'm having a bad day. I'm sorry if I'm sorry if I lash out. I'm sorry if I'm behaving weird. I'm sorry if I go MIA all day. I'm just having a rough day.

I'm struggling. I want you to understand so that you don't take it personal, and I love you. There you go. You say something like that, and then you can fucking ignore them all day if you want, you can do whatever you want, just communicate, or you could be like, listen, I'm not even gonna bring them into my shit today.

I'm just gonna handle this on my own. I'm gonna send them a little text, give them a little call, tell them I love them, or if you live with them, go downstairs, tell them that you love them, and then just kind of separate yourself until you feel better. Listen, it's not always possible, but remind them that you love them and then go and handle your own shit. Don't bring them into it. Don't try to bring them down with you.

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or head to liquidiv.com and use the code anything for 20% off your order. That's liquidiv.com with the code anything. Tap the banner or visit this episode's page to learn more. The next thing we're gonna talk about is how to decide whether or not something is worth confronting. I know we kind of brought that up earlier when I was talking about trust issues and insecurities

and how that can affect your behavior towards your partner and it can make you lash out and it affect your behavior towards your partner and it can make you lash out and it can make you take things personal and it can make you get angry about stuff that doesn't matter. But I am going to give you a little bit of advice on how to determine what's worth bringing up and what isn't and how to gauge that within yourself. I would say my biggest piece of advice is to wait a minute. If you're angry about something small, wait a minute.

Wait for yourself to cool down, right about it in a journal. Talk to your friends or family about it. If it's just a small little thing, cool yourself down before you bring it up. If that motherfucker cheated on you, if they did something fucked up, bring that shit up immediately angry, I don't care. But if it's something small,

like they forgot to text you on their lunch break, or they didn't do the dishes, or they didn't fold their laundry quickly enough, and now your guys is room is a mess, or they've been hanging out with their friends too much. If it's something kind of small like that, cool yourself down before you bring it up, because I can guarantee nine times out of 10,

you're not gonna wanna bring it up anymore. Don't ever bring something up impulsively. Because here's the problem with that. When you're all emotional, you're all irrational about something small. Number one, as I said earlier, it's probably rooted in your own problem. But number two, you're gonna regret bringing it up later.

Because it's just gonna cause unnecessary tension in the relationship, right? If you wait for yourself to cool down, you're probably not even going to wanna bring it up. I can almost guarantee it. It's happened to me so many times. I've taken something personally for no fucking reason. And then I brought it up because I was like,

fucking pissed. And then they're like, Emma, I didn't know that you felt like this. And now you're fucking angry. I'm so sorry. Like, I didn't know that you felt like that. And then now there's this tension. Whereas if you wait for yourself to cool down, you think about it logically.

Most of the time you're going to be like, wait, this actually isn't a big deal. I don't even want to bring this up. I'd rather just move forward. Boom, you work through it on your own. But if it's something that lingers, for example, they've been hanging out with their friends too much and not giving you enough attention in your eyes, that's something that you may want to bring up. Even though it's not that big of a deal, they're not really doing anything wrong, it's just not making

you feel good, and it's lingering. That's something you want to bring up. But at least now, you're calm down. You've thought about it. You're aware that this is something that's lingering and it's not just an impulsive thought. Now you bring this up. You have a healthy conversation about it. And then you guys can move forward.

That's kind of my strategy to handling what is worthy of bringing up or not. Because I think that a lot of people think that anytime something's bothering them, it's time for them to bring it up. I don't necessarily think that that's true. I think that you should really try to figure out if it's a U-problem or if it's a them problem

before you bring shit up. It makes a huge difference and it shows a lot of maturity that you can work through things on your own and you can be aware of your own impulsiveness and your own irrationality. If that's even a word, irrationality, irrational, whatever. Another random point is you need to learn how to accept your partner for exactly who they are. Because a lot of people in relationships want people to change harmless things about them.

For example, sometimes you're dating somebody and you don't like their style. Or sometimes you're dating somebody and you just hate their hobbies. Let's say they play video games. Let's say they play video games. Let's say they shop too much. Let's say they're obsessed with the stock market, whatever it may be. It's crazy how harmless those things are, but how many people and relationships

genuinely will complain about these things, right? Let's say I was dating a guy and he was obsessed with video games. As long as it's not getting in the way of our relationship, I really have no place to complain about it. If you're so unhappy that you're dating somebody who has a video game obsession, then why are you with them? You chose to date them, and that's something that they care about. You might not like it, but you're gonna have to accept it. You can never ask somebody, hey, stop, like, stop dressing like that. Stop playing video games.

It's crazy how common it is in relationships, and it seems so small and mundane, but so many people will be dating somebody and will judge little things about their partner. And it'll make them like them less blah blah blah. You have to just accept them for who they are or you find someone else. If you don't like them for who they are, you find somebody else. Listen to me. It takes a lot of strength and courage to love somebody fully and fairly as a human being. It's really, it's, it's really hard.

It's one of the hardest things in life, to be honest. And most people aren't capable of doing it. I have not seen it very many times in my life. Again, I can name all the healthy relationships I've ever seen on one hand, Max. It's really hard to fully love someone fairly with your full mind body and soul. It's really hard to do. It's super vulnerable. It can be really uncomfortable. You can feel stupid at times. You can feel like scared at times because you feel like, God, I'm putting everything into this. And if they turn on me, this is going to hurt worse than anything that I've ever felt

before. Yes, that is true. But what do you have to lose? Them? You lose them either way. You lose them whether you put all in or you put half in, it's still going to hurt the same amount. You don't realize that.

But no matter how much of yourself that you openly put into them, the amount of love that you have for them in your heart, that's going to be the same no matter what. So if you hold back and you don't love them fully and you don't shower them with love like you deep down want to You are wasting your time you have to do it and it's hard and Sometimes you're gonna fuck up sometimes You're gonna be too scared to be vulnerable sometimes You might lash out because you're feeling insecure, but it's all about

practice right? Lash out because you're feeling insecure, but it's all about practice. Practice how to control your insure securities. Practice how to control your trust issues. Practice how to be vulnerable. Practice how to love fully with no hesitation and it'll just get easier and easier. But that's what really creates the most healthy relationship. You got to just full send it. You have to go all in, balls to the wall, you got to just go for it. You can't be half in, half out. You can't act like you care less than you do. I know I do that. I fucking even to this day, I have to try to untrain myself and

unlearn hiding how I feel. When I'm in a relationship, I'm so scared of showing that I care about them because I feel like right in that moment, they'll leave me, I don't know why. It's a trust issue thing I have. But I have to actively, every single day, say, Emma, you can't do that in relationships.

You cannot, because then the other person is gonna feel that. They're gonna feel that you don't care because that's what you're subconsciously trying to portray to them and then they're gonna get scared and then they're gonna pull back and they're gonna stop giving you as much love and then it just gets all fucked up.

You have to put all in and you have to train yourself to do that. It's hard and it's scary, but you can do this. Okay, so I have more advice, but that was mainly just like dealing with, you know, your own inner battles, in relationships and how to not let it affect your relationships. But now we're gonna talk about how to have a healthy balance

in a relationship. Because I think that this is also very important. Because as much as you wanna put all in to a relationship, you also have to have your own life. And that is huge. And that is almost as important as dealing with your trust issues and insecurities. It's almost just as important. And it also helps with dealing with your trust issues and insecurities. It's almost just as important.

And it also helps with dealing with that. When you have your own life, it makes you more confident. It makes you feel better about yourself. It makes you feel more self-sufficient so that you don't feel like you need your partner. You just wake up and choose them every day type of thing. You know what I'm saying? So here are my healthy tips on how to have a healthy balance in a relationship and how to have your own life and your own identity.

Number one, you need to be doing things without each other sometimes. I know, you want to go everywhere with your partner. I know, you want to do everything with your partner because they're so cute and so fun. I get it. You can't do that though. You have to do things on your own sometimes. You have to go into social situations on your own sometimes. You have to prove to yourself that you can have fun with or without them because this

gives you confidence knowing, okay, I love this person. They enhance my life, but I don't need them to have a good time. I don't need them to have a good life. You have to remind yourself that constantly because, unfortunately, anything could happen. And you guys might not last forever, so you need to build confidence in your own life and know that you have a good life with or without them in it. Even if they enhance your life, you still need to know that you could survive without them. Because that gives you security in the relationship knowing,

okay, I'm gonna be fine no matter what happens. The second you're in a relationship and you're like, I would die without them. That can go toxic real quick. Because you're gonna start getting anxious about the relationship, that's gonna make your trust issues act up. That's gonna make your insecurities act up. That's gonna make your insecurities act up

when you feel like you need them. You can't feel like you need them. And so doing things on your own and having your own life outside of them is the best way to do that. Another thing, sometimes it's good to go a whole day without talking. Sometimes it's good to go a whole week,

just talking a little bit. It's nice to have breaks like that. It's important to keep the spark alive by having some distance every once in a while. And I promise it makes the love grow fonder. Just because you guys don't talk all day doesn't mean you're fighting, doesn't mean that there's anything wrong.

It's good to sometimes have a little bit of distance on the relationship because it makes you appreciate them more So if your partner wants to go on a trip with their friends, let them go if your partner wants to Go on a day trip by themselves somewhere let them go if your partner has work all day And they're really stressed out Text them once and just be like having an amazing day.. Love you. I'll talk to you tonight. Give them space. That helps so much because then later you have something to talk about. It gets you

excited about seeing them later when you kind of have a little bit of distance from them for a little bit, whether that's for a week or for a day or for a few days, whatever it may be, having a little distance makes the love grow fonder. Last but not least, if you feel like you need to be around them constantly because it makes you feel bad or makes you feel insecure if you're not, look at that. Because that's not normal. Is it because you don't trust them? Is it because you can't handle being by yourself? Why is it? Or is it because you feel like they've been suspicious recently? And you feel like some of their behavior has seemed to point to something suspicious.

Figure that out, handle that with your partner, have that conversation, or reflect inward and fix that problem yourself, and then practice being alone, practice having fun by yourself, practice self care and self reflection. You can't need to be around your partner all the time or else you're miserable. If you're miserable when you're not with your partner, that's not good. Whereas if you just have more fun with your partner

because you love them and because they're fun and they're your best friend, great, that's normal. Yeah, you're probably gonna have more fun with your partner because you love them and because they're fun and they're your best friend. Great, that's normal. Yeah, you're probably going to have more fun with your partner. But if you're fucking miserable and you're a nervous wreck when you're not around them, it's because you don't trust them. And that might be your problem, but it also might be something we're that they're doing. So check in on that and find a way for you to trust them when you're not around them. Find a way to enjoy life without them there because you need to have both. You need to have balance. Anyway, in conclusion, throw that ego away.

Be vulnerable. Risk getting hurt. Put all in. You can't have one foot in and one foot out you can't play games and just be fucking to cheer about it Be honest with yourself You're not gonna be the perfect significant other You're constantly gonna have to work to get better

There's no and you're never going to be the perfect significant other The second that you think that you're perfect, you're not. You should always be improving for your person, and you should always be striving to be better and better for them. And you should always be striving to make your relationship healthier and healthier because there is no limit. The hard work in relationships never ends. You should always be striving to make your relationship healthier and healthier because there is no limit. The hard work in relationships never ends.

It never ends. You're always going to have to fight your own head to be the best significant other you can be. You're always going to have to put your ego aside to be the best significant other you can be. That journey never ends and it's not easy, but it's very worth it because Having a healthy relationship enhances your life in so many ways it is so much more fulfilling than having some sort of toxic relationship or

Being on and off with somebody. It's so much better to have your person that you can rely on that you put Work you put work into that shit. It feels good. That's just some of my advice, okay, for how to have a healthy relationship. There's a lot more I could say, but I feel like those are the key points that I can think of right now.

If you guys want me to talk more about this in another episode, let me know if you have any further questions and stuff. But I feel like that touches on it. And in honor of that, Happy Valentine's Day. But also the episode is not over because we need to do a little questions and answers. I ask you guys on the podcast Twitter at AG podcast to send me questions about how to have a healthy relationship.

You guys send me questions. I'm going to answer them. You know the drill. So let's get into it. Okay, somebody said, is doubting normal. I met this guy and he's so kind and really sweet, but I still have so much doubt about the whole relationship. We just met so we aren't actually in a relationship yet. Absolutely, especially in the beginning stages

of a relationship, you should be doubting. You should have your fucking spidey senses up. That's the healthy thing to do. I personally think it's worse if you go into something with rose-colored glasses on and you just think everything is perfect and you look past all the red flags and you just jump straight into something. That is so much more harmful for you because even if you're smitten by somebody,

you still need to be aware that they're a human being. And you still have to be aware of the red flags, you still have to keep your eyes wide open. You can't let your guard down. I think doubting in the beginning, especially as normal, but even when you're in a healthy relationship, it's normal to doubt.

Because it's normal to be skeptical Because it's normal to be skeptical. It's normal to be nervous. It's normal to be scared of getting your heart broken. It's normal to be worried that you're getting played. It's all normal. That is like a healthy reaction to being in a relationship, in my opinion. But also, eventually, you can lean into it and you can kind of relax because as they continue to prove your doubts wrong, you start trusting them more and

more, right, until you don't really have to doubt anymore because you guys have built such a solid foundation that there's no need for concern, there's no need for doubt. Somebody said, should you stay loyal in the talking stage? Personally, I would say yes, just because if you're really into this person, I would say start putting all in and start focusing on them and nurturing that situation as soon as possible. I mean, if you're not sure, and you don't even really think you like them, and you're in a talking stage with somebody,

I mean, I don't know, then who cares, but if you actually want something meaningful with this person, I would say stay loyal in the talking stage. Here's why, because if you end up dating this person, you might feel slight guilt that you weren't loyal to them in the talking stage. Once you guys are dating and you have this great,

beautiful relationship, you might actually feel guilt about that. And I don't know if that's necessary, but that's why I personally avoid it in talking stages. I just talk to one guy at a time normally. Or once I find a guy that I'm like, this is a good one, I wanna really pursue this, I cut off all of their options type of thing.

Somebody said, do you need to be attracted to somebody to have a healthy relationship? I think it depends. I mean, it also depends on your sexual orientation and like what a relationship means to you and I think that this is very abstract and so different for everybody, but I do think that naturally in a romantic relationship whether or not somebody is conventionally attractive to you chances are if you're in love with them, they're going to become attractive to you in some way.

If that makes sense. Like, when you love somebody, it's crazy how much more beautiful they become to you and how you start looking at them as more than just their body, their physical body. You kind of start looking through that almost and you see more of just a human being. And I can't explain it, but I've found that whenever I'm in love with somebody, it's like, I actually stop looking at the small details of what they look like of anything like that. And I look at them as a whole.

And that's so beautiful to me. And that's what I've found has happened when I've been in healthy relationships. relationships is that I actually become attracted to them through and through. And it's so much less surface level than when you first start talking to somebody and you're like, oh, they're hot. Sure, but like when you really fall in love with somebody, it becomes so much deeper than that. But like when you really fall in love with somebody it becomes so much deeper than that that yes You should be attracted to them, but it's going to be in a much different way Then when you just have a crush on someone

Somebody said is it healthy for me to stay with somebody because I'd rather have it rough With them than not have them at all That is not healthy. I don't think that that's healthy because I don't think settling is ever the answer. And my reasoning for that is that when you settle for somebody else and you settle in a relationship, that affects yourself esteem directly. If you know that this relationship is shitty, but you're settling, that subconsciously starts to make you feel like shit because you're not demanding the best for yourself. You're not demanding the best.

And that's what you deserve. You see what I'm saying? So it's going to start making you feel like you don't deserve as much in your life. It's gonna make you feel like meaningless in a way when you start settling for things. I found that personally and I found that that has happened to a lot of my friends as well. There's so many people on this planet, there's no reason to settle, ever. I know sometimes it's easier to stay in a rough relationship just because it's comfortable and because at the end of the day you have somebody to

kiss good night. But let me tell you, the sooner that you can get out and start looking for the next person, the better. The sooner that you can get out and start focusing on yourself, the better. There's no need to waste time. You live one life. Why are you gonna live one life dating somebody who sucks? Why are you gonna waste your life in a relationship that isn't enhancing your life? There's no reason to do that. You're better off single. You're better off flirting with random people. You're way better off doing that. You're way better off fucking finding yourself doing yoga or some shit

Get out of that. Never settle in a relationship period. Somebody said, what do you do when you don't feel butterflies anymore? I think it's normal to not feel butterflies anymore. I mean, I think at a certain point, you know, the honeymoon phase ends and you go back to living real life.

It's not like you're living this dream relationship where it's like, oh my God, I feel like Romeo and Juliet. And we just found each other and to fight all odds and now we're in so much love. Blah, blah, blah. That's great and all, but at a certain point, like that is going to end. But I almost think that sometimes that's the most beautiful time when you know, you can fully be yourself in front of this person. You can fully be vulnerable in front of this person.

You don't get butterflies anymore. You can really just truly be yourself. I think sometimes when you have butterflies around somebody, it makes you hold back. It makes you hide your true colors because you want to be perfect for them because you're nervous around them and you just are trying to make every right move. When the butterflies kind of fade a little bit, you can truly lean into who you are and who you're going to be long term in the relationship. And listen, when your significant goes on a trip and then they come back, you're probably going to get butterflies. When you know,

you guys have a little bit of space from each other for a little bit, you'll probably get butterflies again. But it's okay if they go away here and there. You're not gonna have them 24-7, especially the longer you're in the relationship. If they go away completely, then think about it. Is this somebody that I really like being with? Am I excited about this?

Is our relationship healthy? Is this something that's enhancing my life because if the answer is no, this relationship isn't really that good and that's why I'm losing butterflies, then that's a sign that you should probably find someone else. But if you just feel like, okay, this relationship is great, there's no reason for me to be losing my butterflies,

but they're gone, I don't know to do. That's just because you're settling into the relationship Do you see what I'm saying? Somebody said should your boyfriend be your best friend or should you have other friends to balance everything out? I do think that your significant other should be your best friend and I've had relationships where that wasn't the case and I wasn't their best friend, or even close to it, and vice versa. And I think that your significant other

should be one of your best friends. Does that make sense? Because I used to be, in my younger relationships, I was literally just the girlfriend, right? Never like their friend. Never somebody that they really wanted to hang out with. It felt like I was just kind of the girlfriend role.

I don't think that that's good. I think that your significant other should be one of your best friends, but you also do need to balance it out. You do need to have other friends. But I think that you should consider them one of your best friends. And who says you need to have just one best friend? I think that having a best friend that's not romantic is important, but also having your significant other be your best friend is important. They're both fuck my cat just

bit me in the leg and it hurts so bad. I already fed you. I don't know what the fuck you want. That made me so mad. Anyway, your significant others should definitely be one of your best friends. If you wouldn't be friends with them if you weren't dating, you probably shouldn't be dating. And I've talked about this before, I think, but that's the test. Would you be friends with this person if you guys weren't dating? If the answer is no, you're probably not in a good relationship. Listen, I've done it.

I've done it because I've been like, oh, but it's okay. No, you should truly be best friends with your significant other. But also have other friends. Somebody said, is it normal to feel burnt out or bored while being in a healthy relationship? Absolutely. It's not always going to be fucking sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes things are gonna be boring. Sometimes you both are gonna be wrapped up in your own shit,

and it's just not gonna feel as exciting as maybe it once was. But as long as you maintain the relationship, as long as you stay in it and you stick through it, things will be fun again. You can't expect everything to be perfect all the time. You may feel burnt out or bored in a healthy relationship. That's normal, but it's about realizing,

okay, this will pass. We'll get through this. We just have to be patient. this. We just have to be patient. Little cat ASMR. Somebody said, I've never been in a relationship before, but if there's hardly any arguments or disagreements, is that a red flag? Okay, here's my take. It can be a red flag because I think in a relationship if both parties are too afraid to bring anything up because they don't want to fuck things up, that can go sour really quick, right? If two people in a relationship just want to have the perfect relationship and they're afraid

of confrontation, they're afraid of talking about their feelings, they're afraid of that honesty and that communication, that can be really bad. Oh my God, my cats are literally going to make me fucking freak out. They just knocked over all my makeup off of my desk. I hate them sometimes. Okay, anyway. There should be healthy conversations that are constructive, but they don't necessarily need to be looked at as arguments or disagreements.

Like in a healthy relationship in my experience, I haven't had arguments. I haven't really had disagreements. I've just had conversations about things that were rational, that were kind, that were loving, that weren't, that were loving, that weren't explosive, and then you just move on. I've been like, hey, I've been feeling like this recently, like I just need to talk about it with you. Let's work this out.

And then it's like fucking fine. It's not even an argument or a disagreement. There needs to be communication. In a relationship, I don't think that there needs to be arguments. I really don't. I think that you can absolutely get through a relationship, I don't think that there needs to be arguments. I really don't. I think that you can absolutely get through a relationship with no arguments and it be absolutely healthy, but there does need to be communication.

But communicating doesn't necessarily need to be an argument, even if you guys are disagreeing technically on something. It doesn't need to be an argument. Respectful conversation. Last but not least, somebody said, how do I get one? You get into a healthy relationship by focusing on yourself. I know it's fucking annoying,

but the second that you start focusing on yourself, you start working on yourself, you start working on making yourself a better person, a more well-rounded person, and you start putting that love into yourself, and stop looking, it happens. I swear every time, it's so fucking funny how it happens. It's like the second that you kind of let go,

and you just start to focus on yourself, that's always when it happens. But another way to get a healthy relationship or to avoid getting into a bad relationship is to be picky. Don't just settle for the first guy that you meet. You're probably gonna, well, guy for me. I'm talking about me, I guess.

Don't settle for the first person that you meet. You're gonna meet 50 people that you do not like before you meet the one that just clicks. And also, take a little chance. Sometimes, the best person for you is not the person that you would expect. Like, I used to think that I only deserved a certain kind of guy. I used to think that only a certain kind of guy would ever like me. And so I only kind of went for that type of guy. I was like, okay, like it was weird.

And I thought I had a type or whatever. But then it's like the second that you're like, you know what, fuck that. I'm just gonna let go of all that. And whatever human being comes into my life that treats me right, I think is cute and I want to date and they treat me well I'm in it's like it all comes together You just have to be open-minded and kind of stop caring about it. Of course, it's normal and naturally like

Okay, I kind of want to be in a relationship because it's it's nice. I get it, but you can't Seek it out. It has to kind of seek you out. It'll fall in your lap. And on that note, happy Valentine's Day, everybody. I love you all so much. Thank you for listening. I'm manifesting healthy relationships for all of you. I hope that this was helpful. If it was, leave a little review on Apple Podcasts.

Give us a little five stars. Let me know what you think of the episode. Also, follow us on Twitter and AG Podcasts and let me know what you think of the episode. Also, follow us on Twitter and IG podcasts, and let me know what you want me to talk about on this podcast. Please give me ideas. I'm really kind of dying over here to be brutally honest because I'm in my house all day and have no thoughts.

Also, if you want to participate in Q&As and stuff like that, or advice sessions, all of that takes place on the Twitter. And I love you all, thank you for listening, thank you for being my bestie. I'm manifesting an amazing love life and an amazing overall life for all of you and for myself. And I love you guys and take care of yourself. Talk soon.

and take care of yourself. Talk to you.