anything goes with emma chamberlain - inner turmoil, advice session

Episode Date: June 16, 2024

welcome back to advice session, a series here on anything goes, where you send in your current dilemmas or anything that you want advice on, and i give you my unprofessional advice.  today we're going to be talking about inner turmoil. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome back to Advice Session, a series here on Anything Goes, where you send in your current dilemmas or anything that you want advice on, and I give you my unprofessional advice. And today we're going to be talking about inner turmoil. All of the dilemmas that I picked relate in some way to inner turmoil, inner struggles, that are usually dealt with on one's own. There's a lot of challenges that we face that feel like our own personal battle. Like they're only impacting us directly.

They're personal issues. And it's challenging to talk about personal issues sometimes because a lot of us feel ashamed about making our personal challenges other people's problem. We don't want to burden anyone else with our own inner turmoil. But I think that that's why it's so important to talk about because a lot of the dilemmas that we're going to discuss are things that people tend to keep to themselves. It's one thing to have a problem with somebody else or with something else. It's almost easier at times to have challenges that include an outside source because there's

something to blame. And there's a clear solution a lot of times like, oh, this person is causing issues in my life. Okay, I'm going to cut them out. They're done. And that comes with its own slew of pain and upset. But at least you can pinpoint easily what the issue is. Or if you're like, oh, this workout class is not fun for me. I dread it and I don't want to go to it anymore. Okay, I'm not going to go to it anymore. Like when you have an issue with something that's outside of yourself, it's a lot easier to pinpoint and it's a lot easier to communicate

and it's much less daunting. When a challenge only involves you, it's a battle against yourself. And not only is that challenging to pinpoint at times, but it's also challenging to talk about because unlike an issue that involves another person, you can't just go to that person and communicate about it with them and solve the issue. It's a matter of communicating with yourself.

And that is a far more challenging experience. And it can be helpful when having inner turmoil to talk to a loved one, talk to a therapist. But that at times can be intimidating as well because we can almost gaslight ourselves into thinking that our own personal issues don't deserve attention. So with all that being said, let's dive in. This episode is brought to you by Secret.

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When you're feeling confident in yourself, people can say whatever about you and you don't give a fuck because your views, your beliefs about yourself are so deeply ingrained in you at that moment that you almost have this protective shield around you. Your views about yourself are unable to be shaken. And people giving you shit or criticizing you in some way just doesn't bother you. But when you are insecure, it is impossible to protect yourself from things that might sting a little bit. You know, you don't have that protective aura around you. You don't have that shield around you. I think a lot of times with behavioral issues that we're dissatisfied with, there's usually a root cause that is not obvious.

And this is a great example of that. You're taking things really personally because your self-esteem is low, because you're in an insecure period of your life. But those two things don't obviously connect. That's why I think it's so challenging to solve these personal issues because it's not an obvious cause and effect. I mean, once you recognize the pattern it is, but before that, it's not at all obvious. So here's what I would recommend to do.

And this is what I have done in the past when I've noticed that I'm clearly a little bit insecure. I'm going through a phase where my self-esteem is low and it's starting to bleed into my social life in the way where I'm getting offended or my feelings hurt very easily because I don't have that protective shield around me that comes with having a solid sense of myself and a strong self-esteem. Number one, it's important to try to be proud of yourself as a person. Okay? Not in your work, not in how athletic you are,

not in anything sort of surface level like that, but rather be proud of yourself as just a human being. That's something that I really lean into when I'm in a phase where my self-esteem is low. It's so easy to just be really nice, to be even nicer, even more generous, even more kind than you already are. And I found in my experience that being proud of who you are as a person is one of the most fulfilling ways of building self-esteem. And it's also one of the most sustainable because no matter what happens, you can always do that. It's free.

Being a good person in your eyes is quite literally free. You don't necessarily need to be donating thousands of dollars, hundreds of dollars even to a charity. You don't need to be, I mean it's great to do that, sure, but you don't have to do that to be a good person. You can do it for free by being polite to your waitress who serves you dinner when you're out at a restaurant, by texting your friends and checking in on them and making sure that they're doing well, by calling your parents

and giving them an extra hour of your week. There's so many different ways that you can do it, but that goes a very long way, at least in my personal experience. But then on top of that, I think having discipline with yourself is also important. When it comes to getting work done or exercising, moving your body in one way or another or cooking meals at home instead

of eating out. Controlling your shopping addiction if you have issues with shopping, like not succumbing to your desires in life, like your desires in life that are ultimately not making you healthier, happier, stronger, more responsible, et cetera. Not having discipline also makes you lose respect for yourself. And there is a point where you can have too much discipline and you end up living a horrible life because you're so hard on yourself that you have no room to make mistakes. You have no room to have an off day where you don't get as much work done

or you don't get your 30 minute walk in or whatever your exercise routine is, then you're miserable. So it's definitely important to have a healthy balance, but it is important to have a level of discipline. I have an episode about that. It came out a while ago, like a few months ago, but you can search it up. Discipline, anything goes. And there's a whole episode

about discipline because I think that it is very important for self-esteem. And I found for me that I am the most confident in myself when I have a balance between being a good person in my day-to-day life to the best of my ability and constantly trying to become a better person because there is no limit to that. But then simultaneously using discipline in my life so that I feel satisfied with what I'm getting done in my life and I'm doing the hard things on a day-to-day basis that ultimately long-term make my life better. Whether that's because I feel better because I'm taking care of my health, or I'm not stressed out because I'm getting my work done on time,

or I feel accomplished because I've been able to accomplish more because I've been more disciplined with my time, et cetera. And last but not least, it's really important to be aware of who you're spending your time with. Because people who are not your time with because people who are not supportive of you, people who are judgmental of you, people who are not fully

on your team will make you feel 50 times more insecure than your baseline. You could be doing everything else right, okay? You're being a good person, you have discipline with yourself, but if you're hanging out with people who are not on your team, who are judgmental of you, who do not accept you for who you are, for whatever reason, probably because of their own insecurity, it demolishes everything. The people that you spend your time with are so important and they rub off on you more than you even realize. And a lot of times their beliefs become your beliefs without you even meaning

to. And if they're judgmental of you, then suddenly you become judgmental of yourself. So it's very important to be aware of how the people in your life impact your self-esteem and be aware of whether or not they are ultimately on your team. And I've noticed huge differences in my confidence from not spending time with people who are judgmental of me. In ways that are unfair, like it's absolutely critical to have people in your life who can give you constructive criticism to make you a better person.

That's critical. You don't wanna have a bunch of yes men around you in your life who are like, everything that you do is perfect, you're awesome. It's like, no, everybody is flawed in one way or another. And it's very want to have a bunch of yes men around you in your life who are like, everything that you do is perfect, you're awesome. It's like, no, everybody is flawed in one way or another. And it's very important to have people who can help you improve and be a better person. Critical, crucial, awesome, great.

But people who are just judgmental of you for no fucking reason, like I've had people in my life who have just hated that I'm outgoing, that I'm social, that I like to talk to people. Just hated that about me. And it's like, okay, well, I got bad news for you. That is permanent. That is who I am as a person.

Okay? Being around someone, you know, for years on end who doesn't like that I'm an outgoing person and judges that element of my personality, that over time just made me a shell of a human being because I was so used to being judged for my outgoing personality. And you know, it's taken a while to build it back up after the fact, but I have, because not having that person around anymore

made me realize that me being outgoing and social is actually one of my greatest strengths in life, in fact. And there was something about that person that just didn't like that about me. So be it. But I should have figured out sooner. No, I shouldn't have because I didn't. It was part of my process. But in retrospect, I will never be close to somebody like that again, who does not appreciate my essence, who's judgmental of my essence. I think that fixing your self-esteem will naturally allow you to let things bounce off

of you. Naturally building self-esteem builds this protective aura around you that allows you to process criticism, that allows you to process hateful words in a way that isn't as personal. You just don't take it as personal. Okay, moving on. Next, somebody said, I don't know if I'm being dramatic or if my feelings are valid. I think that it is very important to reflect on your own feelings and emotions because there are moments when we're dramatic. There are moments when we overreact. I think it is very important to analyze your strong emotions because I don't think there's

a human on this planet who doesn't overreact sometimes, who doesn't get dramatic sometimes. It's part of being human, it seems. I definitely can get dramatic, for sure. In fact, every time I make a joke about that to my friends or family or whoever I'm dating at the moment, it's always like, yes, yes, you can be very dramatic. Like, I am somebody who has a tendency to be dramatic.

And I absolutely have to ask myself every time I'm having a dramatic or very emotional moment, what is happening here? You know? And I think that it's interesting, like, some would argue that being dramatic is never necessary, that it's always better to keep things as calm and as rational as possible.

But I personally don't think that this is possible for me. I mean, the older that I get, the more rational I become, the less dramatic I become, just because I'm starting to realize more and more that it's not worth my energy to get dramatic. But I think it is important to embrace your own natural reaction. If your natural reaction is to become a bit dramatic, to become very upset, I think to an extent one should accept that about themselves and

maybe even at times appreciate that they're an emotional person. As long as the dramatic feelings are not maybe harming others. Okay, so let me explain. I'm a very dramatic person. I know this about myself. And in a lot of ways, I appreciate it about myself because it is a sign that I care about things. I'm deeply emotional.

I'm deeply sensitive. Being dramatic is a part of that. I'm also somebody who hyper-analyses things and over thinks everything. I'm very analytical about everything. And I think that that also makes me very dramatic because I have a tendency to obsess over things. And in a lot of ways, being very sensitive and being very analytical is a great thing. It actually makes my life richer in a lot of ways, but it also comes with feeling things much more vividly.

So that can make me a bit dramatic. The way that I've handled my dramatic nature is by keeping the drama to myself for the most part, okay? So let's say someone does something to upset me. I might fucking freak out, okay? I might freak out, I might call my dad and start crying about it. I might write a scathing journal entry in my diary,

like whatever. I will get dramatic about things. But when it comes to actually confronting the person who wronged me, I try my best to approach that as calmly and rationally as I possibly can. Why? Because I've just found throughout my life that that is how you have a productive conversation. And allowing myself to be dramatic in a safe space,

you know, with my close friends or family or by myself, allows me to get the explosive emotions out so that I can then confront the situation in a way that is productive. And a lot of times, you know, the things that I'm screaming about on the phone with my parents or in my journal are the exact same sentiments that I'm bringing up to the person who I'm upset with. But the difference is the tone. So here's my conclusion, okay?

If you feel something, it's valid in a lot of ways. We might sometimes have feelings that are unfair, maybe, or inconsiderate, or overreactions. Like, yes, that happens. And it's important to be aware of that. But at the same time, if we feel something, it's valid because we feel it. Whether or not it's right depends on many variables, okay? But I think that whenever we feel something, we should try our best to resolve it in a way that's productive.

And so I guess my advice is to allow yourself to be dramatic and to not gaslight yourself into thinking that you're overreacting, to accept the fact that you feel the way that you feel and to tend to those feelings by analyzing them and talking about them with your close friends and family or therapist or whoever, and then to make a plan to resolve it. Sometimes the plan is to have a conversation with somebody else. Sometimes the plan is to write about it in a journal

for a week straight. Depends on who you are. But it doesn't really matter if you're being dramatic or not. If you feel the way that you feel and it's negative, then you need to find a way to solve it I think the worst thing that you can do though is To explode on someone now listen it happens to all of us sometimes sometimes we can't Hold in our feelings and we can't help it. We just have to confront in a way that's explosive It happens to all of us sometimes, but I feel like you can never go wrong when you approach something confrontational with an air of rationale and calmness.

Because even if maybe you did overreact about something and what you are confronting them about is an overreaction, if you approach them with calmness, then you're gonna be able to have a productive conversation about it where the other person doesn't feel attacked and they don't go on defense mode and they don't shut down. It's like this, okay? Let's say your significant other has been texting somebody that they're friends with and you're starting to get a hunch that it's becoming romantic, okay? Now

you have no reason to believe this because they've never cheated on you before and they're just friends and they've always been friends, but you're just for some reason starting to get upset feeling like there's something going on there. And you let this feeling sort of percolate until it becomes this explosive angry situation. If you confront them in an explosive angry way, they're gonna shut down and be like,

what the fuck, like, you don't trust me? Why don't you trust me? Like, why are you this angry at me? This is my friend, we've always been friends. Like, what's the issue? Whereas if things are brought up more rationally, just like, hey, you know, I know that this might be an overreaction.

I'm not sure, but I'm feeling really uncomfortable by this. And I'm not sure if I'm overreacting. I'm not sure, but I'm feeling really uncomfortable by this. And I'm not sure if I'm overreacting. I'm not sure if I'm being dramatic, but I'm uncomfortable by it. So let's figure it out. Let's figure out a way to make me feel comfortable. In that situation, the partner is not feeling attacked and they're gonna be like, oh my God,

no, I'll show you all of our texts. Look, well, that's if they're a good, significant other. If they're a bad one, then they're lying and they won't show you anything and they won't make you feel better. So yeah, hopefully that was valid advice. Okay, next, somebody said, how to overcome your ego when it is really loud?

You know, this is kind of complicated because I feel like some people just naturally have larger egos and stemming from that, they tend to be more competitive. They tend to be more vain. And I think to an extent, our ego is determined by nature. Like, you know, there's just some people who have bigger egos than others. And I would say for the most part, I have a small to medium sized ego naturally. Maybe a medium sized ego to begin with, just baseline. Because I am a little bit competitive sometimes.

I do like to win, you know, at things sometimes. I can sometimes feel frustrated by criticism I get, but for the most part though, I'm pretty open to not being the best and not winning every competition, whether it's one in my head or it's actually a real competition of sorts. Like I'm not the most competitive person in the world.

I don't know, I think I'm overall accepting of the fact that I am who I am and I have things that I'm good at and things that I'm bad at and blah, blah, blah. Now, the definition of ego is kind of complicated because when I think of ego, I think of cockiness and selfishness and self-importance in a way that's overly inflated, like it's a negative thing. But ego, if you look up the definition, is just a person's sense of self-esteem or self-importance.

So by definition, we should all have ego. Like to not have ego would be to not have any self-esteem, any self-importance. And that's not good, right? Like you definitely need to have a bit of ego, but I'm assuming that what you're talking about here is, like, how do I deal with having an ego that's inflated, that's too large?

If your ego is at a healthy place, see, I'm all fucked up with this definition because I also use the word ego probably incorrectly a lot of times because, you know, I'll be like, well, it's better to lead without ego when you're going into an argument, right? Because you want to be empathetic of the other person and you want to approach it in a humane, humble way, in a way, in order to have the best results. But again, you need to have some ego, because if you, let's say, go into an argument

or a confrontational conversation with no ego, then you'll just let the other person walk all over you. You have to have a little bit of self-esteem and a little bit of self-importance to stand up for what you believe in and make sure that you have communicated your side properly. So I've definitely in the past used ego wrong, I think, but anywho, for the sake of this dilemma, we'll say that the ego in this case is overinflated, is too large, is harmful. It's at a harmful level.

I'll rephrase the question. How to overcome ego when it's too big? How to shrink your ego a little bit. Now, in my experience, I feel like ego becomes inflated when one is insecure. And it's interesting because ego is one's self-esteem, one's sense of self-importance. So you would think like, okay, if somebody's feeling insecure and bad about themselves, how is their ego becoming inflated? But in my experience, someone's ego becomes inflated

as a protection mechanism from feeling insecure. It's like having an inflated ego protects you from addressing the fact that you have low self-esteem. It's like an overcorrection in one's mind because somebody who's truly secure in themselves, somebody who truly has a solid, balanced self-esteem, a solid, balanced sense of self-importance that's rational and again, I just keep using the word balance but rational and balanced is someone who is aware of the duality of man okay as humans we're good and we're bad we're talented and we're not talented we're important and we're

not important and to be aware of that is to be at a healthy, balanced place with your ego. But to have an inflated ego is to be too insecure to accept the duality. And instead you're like, no, I only want to believe that I am the good because addressing the bad makes me feel too bad about myself. I can't handle that. This is my experience anyway. And that's usually because you're running away from your own insecurity, sometimes without even realizing that you're doing it. When you're at a healthy place with your ego and it's balanced, it's not loud. It's not loud at all. It barely speaks in a way. You feel so much more comfortable

in day-to-day life because you just accept life and yourself for what it is. And you appreciate the good and you are aware of and inspired to fix the bad on whatever timeline is most reasonable and doable, right? Your ego is quiet because you're not afraid of doing something wrong. You're not afraid of doing something wrong. You're not afraid of making a mistake because you have come to terms with the fact that that is part of being human and that that doesn't make you any less of a person necessarily. You're also not overvaluing your achievements because you're also aware that although those things are great and something to be proud of, they're not

necessarily the most important thing. The most important thing is far deeper than that. It's more about what type of person you are and whether or not you're constantly trying to be better to the best of your ability. Your ego gets loud when you're constantly trying to prove to yourself that you're good, that you're the best. The problem with that is now you feel like you don't have any room to make a mistake. You don't have any room to embarrass yourself. You don't have any room for fuck-ups because in your mind, you're the best. And what you're telling the world is that you're the best.

Not necessarily exactly that verbatim, but in one way or another, that is what you're the best and what you're telling the world is that you're the best. Not necessarily exactly that verbatim, but in one way or another, that is what you're trying to prove to yourself and the world on a day to day basis. So now anytime something happens that contradicts that, you're a mess. Your ego's screaming in your head like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's not what we're doing. That's not what we're doing. Because you're living a false reality. When your ego is inflated, you're living a false reality. You think that you're more important and more awesome

and more perfect than you are, and no one is that. So anytime something happens that sort of shakes that reality, you freak out and your ego screams in your ear. And it's like, well, you need to do better and you need to be better and you need to prove to everybody that you're better. And it makes you do things that are at times horrible, not only for yourself, but also for others. Like no one wants to be around

it and you barely like living in that, in that reality, right? Like it might make you treat others badly. You might, you know, look down at others because you've convinced yourself that you are the best and that no one is up to your standard. That isolates you and ultimately it just makes you an unlikable person. You might overwork yourself and try to be an overachiever in a way that just destroys your quality of life because you're like, no, I need to prove that I'm this very accomplished person and I need to live up to that. You might cheat your way through life to try to get to the top because you can't stand the idea

of not being at the top. There's many, many more things that can come from a inflated ego, but I think that my biggest piece of advice is to really work on fixing your self-esteem. And that sort of goes back to the first thing that we discussed. How do I stop taking everything so personally? Does this stem from insecurity? It's sort of the same piece of advice.

It's like work on becoming the best possible person you could be. Treat everyone equally, regardless of how accomplished they are or whether or not you think that they're smart or whether or not you think that they're smart, or whether or not you think that they're cool. Treat everyone equally. Treat everyone with respect and kindness. Be generous in ways that you feel comfortable with. Work on becoming a really, really good person, a morally good person. Spend time with people who make you feel grounded and who accept you for who you are, your flaws included. Have discipline with yourself in all areas of life. It's pretty

much the same advice. It's about building your self-esteem in a real way. Like having an inflated ego is having a false sense of self-esteem. Having a balanced ego is having a healthy balance. That's obvious. Having a balanced ego is having a balanced ego. Wow, Emma, great point. You get what I'm saying. Okay, moving on. Somebody said,

I feel like I've become a superficial person. What should I do? This is a really interesting one because I've had periods of my life where I've felt more superficial. I'm also a Gemini. Eh. So I don't know that much about astrology,

but apparently I'm supposed to be very superficial in Two-Face. That's in my, like, list of horoscope traits or whatever. So watch out, you guys, super spooky, huh? But anyway, I've had moments where I felt superficial in the sense that I feel like people are not seeing the real me in one way or another, okay? And that's not always necessarily in a way

that's harmful to others. It's not like I'm being fake to people necessarily, but rather I'm not showing them my true essence. For some reason I'm shielding the world from me and vice versa. They're not seeing the true me. In an exchange, I'm not able to release like my true personality.

It's like trapped inside of me, right? That's the way I'm sort of analyzing this dilemma. There's a slew of things that could be happening and there's a slew of things that could be happening and there's a slew of different advice that I can give about this, but I will try to make it as concise as possible. One thing that could be happening is that you could be spending time with people who don't make you feel comfortable. I've mentioned this a lot today, but there are people who are judgmental of you for being

who you truly are in a way that's unfair to you, right? Maybe they don't appreciate your sense of humor or they don't like how outgoing you are or they don't like how shy you are. There are people out there that you're not compatible with that will try to be in your life anyway. And that can really turn you into a superficial person because you can start to cater your behavior to what they want you to be. In turn, losing yourself in that process. And so that's something to pay attention to.

If you notice that that's happening, distance yourself from those people and try to find people who do appreciate your essence, who do make you feel comfortable being completely yourself. And you'll be shocked at how naturally you just become yourself again. appreciate your essence, who do make you feel comfortable being completely yourself, and you'll be shocked at how naturally you just become yourself again. Another thing that could be happening is that your self-esteem is low. And again, we've mentioned this a lot, but you're not confident in your true essence. So as a defense mechanism, you're creating this new persona and you're basically putting out a fake persona that you almost wish that you were, but it's not genuine.

It's not organic to you. And I've already mentioned enough how to rebuild your self-esteem, being a good person, having discipline with yourself, and being around people who support your essence and appreciate your essence as a person. But that can really be helpful. You also might be being superficial because you're a people pleaser, you're a yes man, and you want to please every single person in your life. So you become sort of a chameleon in a way, a superficial chameleon trying to please everybody, be overly nice to everybody, be overly agreeable to everybody in a way that just superficial chameleon trying to please everybody, be overly nice to everybody, be

overly agreeable to everybody in a way that just feels fake to you because you're not speaking your mind, you're not showing your true personality, and you're stifling it all just to satisfy everyone around you. Now this is, again, I think rooted in low self-esteem. Wanting to be a yes man, wanting to be perfectly agreeable is something that comes with fear of being rejected. Because if you're rejected, then it's a sign that you're less than in a way. It's a jab.

It's a personal jab to you. So you're trying not to be rejected by people because you don't want another blow to your self-esteem. It's already low enough. And with self-esteem comes a resilience when it comes to being rejected or not being accepted by everyone. You're not afraid of that when you're at a healthy place with your self-esteem and your self-importance. And so again, that goes back to like, you know, the various ways that you can help build healthy

self-esteem. And then last but not least, I think you can become superficial when you become maybe a judgmental, maybe even in some ways hateful person yourself. And I know that I've gone through phases like this where I've been more judgmental, I've been more hateful, I've been more pessimistic, I've been more negative. And my views about others and the world just is darkened by just being in a bad headspace. And you can become fake because you don't want the world to see that you're judgmental.

You don't want the world to see that you're hateful. You don't want the world to see that negative side of you. So you're nice to people that you don't like. And you might even do things that you hate in a way because you're fighting your pessimistic nature. This is kind of hard to explain, but I've had moments like this where I've been more judgmental, more hateful, just more in a dark state of mind. But I've been like, I don't want people to like actively see this.

So I'll go out and I'll hang with people that maybe I don't really like at the moment or something. And then I go home and I call my mom and I talk shit about them. And it's like, I'm being so fake, you know, because I'm in a place where I don't like a lot of things and I don't like a lot of people, but I don't want that to show. So I'm pushing through that and in turn being fake in order to be socially a good person to be around, right? And I think to fix that, it's not about not hanging out with people that you're maybe judgmental of or hateful towards behind their back. It's not about stopping doing the activities that you're judgmental of or hateful of that your friends

want to do or something. It's about looking inward and asking yourself why you're in this hateful phase, why you're in this pessimistic phase. And again, a lot of times, it comes back to having a low self-esteem. And I've already told you enough how to fix that. But I guess fixing your self-esteem really helps with being inauthentic person. And there it is. Okay, next, somebody said, how to not be completely consumed by things emotionally? Well, I think to an extent, we can't,

it's not good to not feel things emotionally. That's not good either. And I think at times we can feel like people who are unaffected by everything are superhuman, like they are doing it right, you know, but that's not necessarily true either. It's very important to feel things. And that's how we learn and grow. And that's what like gets us up in the morning.

Like if we don't feel emotional about things, why would we do anything? Why would we care about anything? Like we would do nothing if we didn't feel emotional about things, why would we do anything? Why would we care about anything? We would do nothing if we didn't care. That's probably biologically why we care, why we're emotional. We're emotional for a reason. It's almost like survival. So it's crucial that we feel our emotions. And I honestly don't think it's necessary to try to teach ourselves numbness to not feel things.

However, the way that this dilemma was worded seems to be a slightly more extreme form of like feeling emotion. It's like how to not be completely consumed by things emotionally. Well, I think at times it's not up to us. Like we're gonna feel whatever level of emotion that our brain wants us to feel. Like it's not really up to us a lot of the times. However, I think that there are ways to help yourself become less consumed

and help work through them quicker so that you're not like sitting for six months being consumed by something when maybe you could cut that time down to three months if you handle it in a more proactive way. For example, something that really helps me is talking through my issues. And, you know, that looks different for everybody. Some people prefer talking to a therapist. Some people have certain friends that they like to talk through their issues with. Some people talk through their issues with

their significant other. Some people go to their parents. Some people go to their siblings. Some people go to a therapist. It's different for everybody. But I think talking things through and making them tangible by speaking them out loud. I mean, they're still not tangible, but making them more tangible by speaking about them can really, really help. Like just getting it out can really help put things into perspective and help you begin to organize your thoughts in a way that is not just spiraling in your head,

consuming you. It's now outside of your body in a way, not really, but kind of, so that you can work them out. When things are just stuck in your head, it's easier to become irrational. It's easier for things to become jumbled. It's so much harder to organize things. When you speak them out loud and you start discussing them with somebody else, you can much easier sort things out.

So talking about things really helps. But I also think addressing the feelings head on and like allowing yourself to feel them really helps. Like letting yourself cry when you're sad, you know, letting yourself feel the emotions helps them pass so much easier. Recently, like this week, honestly, I was really upset about something. And I was upset about something that happened to me a while ago, like a while, a while ago, like many months ago. And in my head, I'm like, I should be over this by now.

I shouldn't be upset by this anymore. I don't wanna be upset by this anymore. I don't wanna cry about this anymore. I don't wanna feel sad about this anymore. I wanna be done, right? And I think for a long time, I had suppressed a lot of my sad emotions about this specific thing that's sad that happened to me, you know? And I've been sort of not running away from those things, but trying to convince myself

that I was over it, that I didn't care, that I wasn't upset anymore. And then all of a sudden, recently, I got upset about it again. And I cried and the whole thing happened. And I was like, you know what, I just need to let myself feel this. And so I did. I cried for like a whole day. And the next day I woke up and I felt better. I was like, you know what, I don't know why I feel better, but I do. And I've felt a lot better since. And it's because I let myself have that day of being sad about it. And guess what? When another day comes where I feel sad about it again, I'm going to cry about it again.

And I'm going to let myself feel that. Because when I let myself feel it and I let myself sink into it and I accept the fact that I'm bummed out about it, it helps me work through it and it helps it pass and It's almost like if you let yourself be consumed completely Undisturbed for a bit. It makes the process shorter If you're running away from it, it prolongs it because it's gonna all explode eventually So there's that okay next somebody said how to sustain happiness and not get overwhelmed by negative thoughts and

limiting beliefs? I want happiness to last. I think the first thing you have to do is realize that happiness is not going to last. Happiness and feelings of joy and fulfillment come and go. And the second that you expect it to last forever, you ultimately make it fleet even faster. Okay, so the first thing is to accept the fact that you are gonna have shitty days

and you're also gonna have good days. That without one, there's not the other. And that that is just how life works. Like we don't just get to be happy forever. It's weirdly, in my opinion, a limiting belief to think, well, I only should be happy all the time. It's not really a limiting belief, but it's a toxic belief because it's unrealistic. It's an expectation that you will never fulfill. That will never happen, unfortunately. You can have a life that's pretty damn fulfilling, for sure, but you're

always going to be faced with challenges sometimes, and we must accept that. When it comes to managing negative thoughts and limiting beliefs, a lot of it is like a mental workout, okay? Being aware of those thoughts and beliefs when they come up and then rewriting the story in real time, like questioning all of the beliefs that you have on a daily basis and actively replacing them on a daily basis.

And it takes a lot of practice. Like for example, you might believe I'm not capable of learning any new skills because I'm too old. Like a lot of us exiting our teenage years are like, well, I'm too old to learn shit. I'm too old to take a ballet class. I'm too old to take a cooking class. I just, I should know how to do that shit by now and I don't, so it's never going to

happen. That's a limiting belief. Well, when that thought comes up in your head because you kind of have a little desire to maybe go take a pottery class or something, force yourself to question that belief and then go against it and prove it wrong by going and learning how to do pottery and succeeding at it. If you have a limiting belief that you're never going to find love, whenever that thought comes up in your head, say,

that's not true, actually. I'm wrong about that and I will find love. And it's hard for me to believe that right now. And I'm in a way lying to myself right now by saying that. But I know that this is a limiting belief and I know that it is possible for anyone to find love in this world. And so I'm going to choose to believe the opposite. And you know, there's different exercises that you can do. You can repeat it to yourself 10 times in your head.

You can close your eyes and say, I will find love 10 times, or you can close your eyes and say, I can learn new things 10 times, or you can write it down in a journal 10 times. But it's about rewriting your own beliefs in real time. And that's honestly the best method I've found anyway. But it takes practice, and it takes diligence diligence and it takes questioning all of your beliefs on a consistent basis and asking yourself why you think what you think and then rewriting it, coming up with a new mantra. And also I think it can be helpful at times too to figure out where that belief came from

because that can sometimes help squash the belief. Like for example, you might say, I'm incapable of finding love. Okay, well ask yourself, why do I believe that? And maybe it's because your first relationship was an epic fail. Epic fail is so cringe. But okay, yeah, maybe it was an epic fail.

You got cheated on and you got dumped and you got your heart broken and you're like, no, I'm never gonna find love again. This is all love is. Well, not necessarily. You know that that's not the only fate. You know, there are couples, there are many couples out there

who have never had a demise in such a way. And I know it can be hard in this specific example because it's like the divorce rates are really like high. It's like 50-50, whether or not you'll get divorced in America and stuff like that. But there's still 50% that don't get divorced and who are, you know, I bet there's also a percentage of that of people who are unhappy. But screw all that.

That's a limiting belief. And so prove to yourself in whatever way that you possibly can that that one bad experience does not reflect the rest of your life. So finding the root cause can be helpful as well. Next, somebody said, I didn't grow up religious, but still experience extreme guilt, especially with intimacy.

Sex makes me feel guilty. What do you think? I completely understand this because even to this day, I still have this sort of weird imposter syndrome when it comes to sex and even other like more adult activities like drinking alcohol or I don't know, even like going to a club or like going to a bar. Like I get a weird guilty feeling.

I get a weird feeling of imposter syndrome. Like I'm not supposed to be doing this. Like I don't deserve to participate in these adult activities. And I actually struggle to understand why I feel that way. I don't know 100% why, but I can tell you what I've done to help combat them. I think it can be really helpful to look up the science of these things because it can

help you understand why you enjoy doing these things. I think let's talk about sex specifically. Humans like sex for a reason. We enjoy sex for a reason. It's because biologically we're built to enjoy it. Like that's why we have such pleasurable orgasms. That's why we feel sexually attracted to others. This all is biological. This is being human. To want to have sex, to enjoy sex is to be human. And all of us are very

different in the ways that we enjoy sex. Like, I personally am very vanilla. I don't like anything too crazy. And that's just who I am. But I think it can be even more challenging to accept one's desire to have sex. If they have maybe more eccentric desires, maybe there's certain kinks that you enjoy, maybe you have certain fetishes, like that is even harder to accept because it feels even more taboo. It feels even more sort of dirty and naughty in the eyes of sort of society, I think. And it is challenging to shed these feelings of guilt when they're so deeply ingrained in us for one reason or another. And it is challenging to shed these feelings of guilt when they're so deeply ingrained in us for one reason or another. And again, like we don't even necessarily

know why we feel guilty. Like I still don't know why I feel guilty and sort of weird sometimes about sex. But I think understanding the science of it really helped me be like, this is literally part of being a human being. And enjoying sex is actually very beneficial for your health, you know? Like one thing I'll say is that when I'm having, this is so TMI, I don't know if this is TMI, maybe if I whisper it, it'll be less TMI. No, okay, I'll just say, when I'm having good, healthy sex in my life, okay,

I am so much happier. I cannot make this up. It doesn't even necessarily need to be with a partner. Like you can figure that out on your own. You can have a healthy sex life on your own through obviously like masturbation of sorts. But yeah, like in general in life, if I'm either having good

sex with a partner or I'm doing my own thing because I'm single or whatever and I'm like not the type that really likes to like hook up with people randomly because that doesn't work for me, unfortunately. Or not necessarily unfortunately. Neutrally, it does not benefit me. I'm happier. I don't know why. There's probably some sort of scientific reason for it, but it makes me feel good and I'm happier and I'm less grumpy and everything is good. I don't know why that is, but it's true. And so I think doing research about it and realizing that it's human can really be helpful. And last but not least, somebody said, how to stop feeling ashamed of your mental health diagnosis?

There are many different levels of mental health diagnosis. And I think depending on what you've been diagnosed with, it can be far more challenging. And this advice might not be helpful. I mean, I think honestly, the best place to find advice for this is through a therapist because I think mental health diagnoses are so complicated that I think in this case, it is really good to talk to a professional. And I think that they can help you come to terms with your diagnosis better than I ever could. So I am hesitant to even give any advice. But I think when it comes to any sort of challenge that comes up in one's life, whether it's a diagnosis or it's becoming aware of one's toxic traits or negative traits, like whatever it may be, feeling like something's wrong with you in one way or another is really hard on the self-esteem

is really hard on the way that one views oneself. You can feel broken. You can feel like there's something wrong with you. You can feel like day by day you're becoming more alienated from your community because you're different in some way. But the truth of the matter is everyone has their shit. Okay? Everyone has their shit. No one gets through this life. I don't know what the saying is. Scratch? It should be, I think it's scotch free. Scotch free? Okay, yeah. It's scott free. No one

gets through life scott free, which means no one just gets to get through their life completely free from penalty or harm, you know Everyone has their shit and it's important to remember that you're not alone in it It's normal to feel that way. I know this is a cliche. Everybody's like you're not alone It's like shut the fuck up, but it is true If you were to have a deep enough conversation with just about anyone, you would come to find that they have their own version of a challenge that you have for the most part. You'd be shocked at how many people are dealing with their own personal demons, if you will. And it's important to remember that in these moments.

It's important to keep hope and say, you know what, I'm just going to do my best to take this challenge and deal with it as best as I can. And that's all we can do as humans. But also to remember that we're all dealing with some shit. And remind yourself that every single day when you feel like you're the only one. Because I think that that's the hardest part about it. You're not. Being a human means experiencing tough shit, but you're going to get through it. And there's a support system out there for you somewhere. Whether it's in therapy or it's finding people on social media who are dealing with the same challenges that you are, whatever it may be, find a support system, remind yourself that you're not alone, and you fucking got this.

All right, you guys, that's all I have for today. Thank you all for listening and hanging out. I hope that this was in some way useful to you or enjoyable for you. I love you all and appreciate you all for listening. New episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday and Sunday. You can stream anywhere. You get podcasts. Video interviews are exclusively on Spotify though. And you can check out Anything Goes on social media at Anything Goes. You can check out me on social media

at Emma Chamberlain. See what I'm up to. You can check out my coffee company at Chamberlain Coffee or go to ChamberlainCoffee.com. Go on the store locator, see if we're in a store near you or just order online and it'll show up to your door. That's all I got for today. Thank you all for listening. Thank you all for hanging out. Again, for the third or fourth or maybe just second, I don't remember, time.

I love you all and I appreciate you all. And I will talk to you soon. Okay, love you. Bye.