anything goes with emma chamberlain - is anyone actually cool?

Episode Date: September 22, 2022

something i (and probably you) have struggled with our whole lives is thinking other people are cooler than us. seeing someone on social media or at a party and thinking, 'god, why are they so much cooler than me?' it's just a part of life. but recently, i have come to the conclusion that i don't think anyone is that cool. i think some people are just better than others at creating an illusion that they're cool. i actually might argue that the concept of coolness that we've all been living by our whole lives is a lie. the idea of coolness we have is completely fake. i would argue this. and that's what we're going to talk about today. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, something that I, and probably you, have struggled with, are whole lives, is thinking that other people are cooler than us. It's human. It's natural. Seeing someone on social media, seeing someone across the room at a party, and thinking, God, why are they so much cooler than me? It's just a part of life. But recently, I have come to the conclusion

that I actually don't think anyone is cool. I don't think anyone is that cool. I think that some people are just better than others at creating an illusion that they're cool. I actually might argue that the concept of coolness that we've all been living by our whole lives is a lie. I think that the idea of coolness that we have in our heads is completely fake. I Would argue this and here's why because over the past few years I've had a similar experience time and time again, where I'll see someone on social media

and I'll follow them or keep up with them for a little bit of time. Maybe it's a year, maybe it's a few years, maybe it's only a few weeks. I'll keep up with what they're doing. Based on their Instagrams, I'll start to think, wow, they are so cool. They're so much cooler than me. They have cooler style than me. They do cooler stuff. They have cooler friends.

They have more friends than me because my friends are numbered. You know what I mean? And over time, as I continue to perceive them through the internet, I'll start to perceive them through the internet, I'll start to build them up. And I'll build them into this super cool person. We're in my head, they have it all figured out.

You know, their lives are just perfect. And in comparison to mine, I'm just a cringy little idiot in the corner. And they are this cool, confident, slay, queen, you know, then I'll meet them. And without a doubt, every single time I meet one of these people that I built up in my head,

I will realize, oh my God, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. They're cool for sure. They're great. They could be great people. I will realize, oh my God, no, no, no, no, no, no. They're cool for sure, they're great, they could be great people, but they're not as cool as I thought. Like they don't have the same effect that they did in my head. They have human qualities, they have flaws, they have insecurities, They are normal human beings. And normal human beings have things about them that are a little cringe or a little weird

or a little odd or a little unusual. Every single person on this planet has those things. And almost every time I meet one of these quote unquote, cool people, I realize they are so normal. And that's not to say that they're not cool. Like they are so cool in a lot of ways, but they're not any more cool than the next guy. Do you see what I'm saying? I feel like the concept of cool that we live by

is that there are just some people on this planet that have it all figured out and that have this cool factor that sets them apart, you know, whatever. In reality, I can guarantee, now this is a bold claim, but I can guarantee that even the coolest person on the planet, if somehow we were able to narrow it down and figure out who the coolest person on the planet was, if we were to pull them out, look at them and examine everything about them, we would find something weird, we would find something unusual.

It's just the way that it is. And I think that that's a really beautiful thing. I think that that is a really beautiful thing. I think that that is a really beautiful thing because the moment that you realize that the cool factor that we live by in our heads is not real, we can all take a deep breath. When I started to realize this, it gave me this surge of comfort in social situations

because I kind of stopped feeling like anyone was cooler than me because I was like, we're all cool in some ways and we're all weird in other ways. That's just the truth of it. Which ways you're cool and which ways you're weird may vary from person to person. But we all are cool and we are all weird. Some of the most obvious cool factors are number one, someone's outward appearance, the way that they dress, the way they do their hair, et cetera.

Next would be having cool habits. Maybe it's going to parties a lot. Maybe it's smoking cigarettes. Maybe it's going to parties a lot. Maybe it's smoking cigarettes. Maybe it's having a bunch of friends. Somebody who just has cool habits, not that smoking cigarettes is cool because it's bad for you, but you get what I'm saying. And lastly, having a chill, relaxed vibe, those three genres of cool habits, I would argue, are the most obvious. I'm going to spend the next five to ten minutes debunking all of them. Let's start with having a cool appearance.

Having a cool appearance is probably one of the best ways to sort of create the illusion that you're cool because most people's first impression of someone is based on their outward appearance. It comes before even speaking. The thing is, is that just because somebody has cool style, good taste and clothing, a unique sort of approach to dressing themselves, just because somebody has all of those things, doesn't really mean anything other than they just have good taste and clothing and style. Like that that's all that that means. I think that

sometimes someone the way that somebody dresses and presents themselves can sort of allude to a level of understanding of oneself which arguably is a cool thing. But it doesn't always mean that. You can't rely on someone's outward appearance to fully represent who they are in their core. For all you know, they could be super insecure with themselves.

They could be not a great person. They could be a liar. They could be not a great person. They could be a liar. They could be mean. You know, like, you don't know. So someone having a really cool, unique sense of style is simply that. It's just that, well, they have a cool sense of style. It doesn't mean that the rest of them is cool. It's all surface level. And I think that we tend to see somebody who dresses cool, presents themselves in a cool way and think, oh, well, that must represent the rest of this person. They must be cool through and through because if they have the taste to because if they have the taste to look this way,

then they probably have the taste to be a cool bad ass on the inside too. The truth is, that's not the case. You could meet someone that dresses so cool and then you get to talking to them and you're like, they're a fucking asshole, they're not cool at all. And that happens. Or you might meet them and be like,

oh, they're really insecure in themselves and so they're constantly putting other people down and whatever, that's a bummer. It doesn't really go beyond the surface. That's just the truth of it. So you can admire somebody else's cool style, but you shouldn't assume somebody's personality based on that or the rest of their lives based on that.

And that doesn't necessarily mean that people that dress cool don't have cool personality traits as well. They very well might, but they also have some weird traits too, and you can't forget that. Next, cool habits. Another great way to create the illusion that you're a cool badass. Earlier I referenced smoking cigarettes, showing up late to things, having a bunch of friends, maybe going to a lot of parties. All of these things are an extension of somebody's appearance. They could kind of

go in the same category. They're just an extension of that category. You have to wonder sometimes when someone has a lot of cool habits. Maybe it's that they go to parties all the time and seem like they don't give a fuck about anything. They show up late to everything. They are kind of negligent. They just seem like they're in their own world or whatever. You have to wonder how much of it is calculated. I'm not saying that everybody who has cool habits is calculating their

cool habits, but before you look at somebody and start comparing yourself to them, you have to ask, okay, wait, how much of this is calculated? I would argue a lot of people who, for example, get addicted to cigarettes and start smoking cigarettes outside of parties all the time and look super cool and chill and badass, they probably started smoking cigarettes to look cool at a party in the first place. You know what I'm saying? I don't know what other appeal there would be, otherwise. Like the first time I ever smoked a cigarette, why did I smoke that cigarette?

I smoked it to look cool at a party. Like luckily, I don't like cigarettes. I hate them, they're not good. But my point remains, the reason why I smoked that cigarette at that party that one time was because I was trying to fit in. I was trying to look cool. Now me smoking a cigarette to look cool at a party is probably one of the most uncool

things of all time. But if you think about that as like a cool chill habit, think about why it started in the first place. There's a decent chance it was to fit in, which is not what we think of when we think of cool. Or having a bunch of friends, you know, walking around with a bunch of friends, posting Instagram pictures with a lot of friends.

Having a lot of friends doesn't mean that somebody is cool. There have been so many times in my life when I have had a lot of friends and I have felt extremely lonely. Why? Because you know what they say, quality over quantity. Just because you have a bunch of friends doesn't mean you have a bunch of good friends. A lot of friends and good friends are very different.

There's a chance that the people you see walking around with a lot of friends, posting on their IG stories with a lot of friends, have a lot of great friends. It's possible But it's pretty fucking rare. I don't know anyone right now Who's in a big friend group who actually? feels super close to everyone in that friend group and

There's like no drama. I just don't know know I never hear of that. Is it possible? Anything's possible. But all I'm saying is is that again, that's not a sign that someone's 100% the coolest motherfucker on the planet. Okay. A lot of cool habits can actually be traced back to potentially people's insecurities, smoking cigarettes, having a lot of friends. Those are two great examples of things that make people kind of look cool and chill, but actually could be rooted in that person's insecurity.

Someone's smoking cigarettes to look cool in the first place or somebody having a lot of friends because maybe they feel like quantity is over quality in their life right now because they'd rather have a bunch of friends that are kind of close than none at all. And in my opinion, not smoking a cigarette to look cool at a party, saying no to the cigarette, saying no, I don't like cigarettes. I don't want to smoke a cigarette.

Is cooler than saying yes. And having no friends and waiting for cool people to come along in your life is cooler than walking around with a bunch of friends that you don't even really like that much. So do you see what I'm saying? It's like all of this stuff. There are so many variables within these things that we as onlookers when we look at other people and we perceive other people and we judge other people, we can't see these details. So when we look at people from an outside perspective, and we're just looking at the pretty picture that they're painting for us, whether it's on social media or it's from across the room at a party,

we don't know the truth. And so we shouldn't be comparing ourselves to other people because we don't know the truth. Possibly the most deceiving trait of all is when somebody just has a chill relaxed vibe, they don't take anything personally, they just have this sort of carefree energy about them, et cetera, et cetera.

Now, there are some people I would argue that are genuinely like this. And I do think that that is a cool trait to have to just not give a fuck, to be so relaxed. That's a really cool, incredible vibe. Trust me. And I think it does exist. But I also think that a lot of people fake that vibe.

You wanna know how I know that? Because even I fake that vibe sometimes. I might be hanging out with a bunch of new people and deep down I'm like, ugh, ugh, I'm nervous, like I'm nervous, I'm anxious, I feel out of place maybe, but I'm like, you know what, fake it till you make it, baby, and I just sort of fake it and just act chill and relaxed and whatever.

And maybe I'm even more quiet than usual, which makes me seem mysterious and cool, you know, but deep down it's because I'm just kind of nervous. And I think a lot of people have the same experience where they just kind of come off as chill and relaxed when in reality they're super nervous on the inside. Now let's play devil's advocate and say somebody comes along and they have all of these traits and they mean it. Let's say somebody comes along and they dress super cool. They have a super cool style. But then also they have a lot of friends and they have a really bustling social life that they're comfortable with. They don't get nervous. They just love being social. Everyone loves them. They have great social skills, blah, blah, blah, and they have a super chill and relax

vibe and it's not forced. It's truly who they are. They are just super chill and relaxed. Let's see somebody like that comes along, a complete unicorn, a rare occurrence. Somebody having all of those things at once and none of them being an illusion is so rare that those people are just Uber lucky. But the truth about them is, is that even they will have something weird about them.

I can guarantee you it. You know what it might be? It might be that they eat their boogers when no one's looking. It might be that they only eat mac and cheese. That's the only thing that they eat. That's all that they will eat. They don't eat anything else.

They only eat mac and cheese. Like they literally will not eat anything else. Not even like a french fry. Like nope, nope, nope. Just mac and cheese. It might be that they can't sit on the toilet and poop without being on the phone with their mom. They have to be on the phone with their mom. And if they're not, then they can't poop. Like their poop will not come out. Like they cannot relax enough to get that poop out.

Okay. It might be that you walk into their home and they have really, really, really, really corny, tacky, ugly home decor. Stuff that says live laugh, love on it, shit like that. It might be that. But you see what I'm saying? Like, everybody has something, everybody. And anytime you find yourself feeling nervous in social situations or you find yourself comparing yourself to other people, especially on Instagram or even at parties, if you're out and about and you see somebody across the room, just absolutely working that room. You see them working the fucking room. They're talking to everybody, everybody staring at them, they're getting all the attention, all the love, even them, everyone. No one is safe from the inevitable weirdness of being a human being.

I'll give you some examples of how I'm weird. Number one, I need help from my mom a lot. Like if it weren't for my mom, I wouldn't have a car. I wouldn't have a house to live in. I wouldn't have gone to the doctor or the dentist in the past 10 years, actually, or my whole life. Like, I rely on my mom. I wouldn't pay my taxes.

I don't think I, I mean, I would figure it out maybe, but like it would not be done correctly, et cetera. I would get scanned. I, when the, I remember like the first time I got a call from a scam caller saying, your social security number has been stolen. You need to give your credit card number right now over the phone or else your identity will be stolen by us. We are, we are stealing your identity.

Unless you give us your credit card number. That was a scam. I remember I called my mom and I was like, I think I need to give my credit card number over. Is that okay? And she said, no, Emma, that's a scam, et cetera. I rely on my mom for so much. Okay, my mom organizes my life.

Without her, I don't know what I would do. That's something that to me is a little bit embarrassing. There are a lot of people my age that don't need their mommy in order for them to book a doctor's appointment. I need my mommy. That's not fucking cool. That is not cool.

Another thing about me that's not that cool is the way that I act around boys that I have a crush on. Luckily, I haven't had to have a crush on a boy that I didn't really know and then act cool around them in a while. It's been a while since I've had to do that years, which is nice not to have to do that. But when I used to have to do that, I can fake it till I make it up until a certain point. And then I'm not cool anymore. Like I am a little bit, here's the issue I get myself into, right?

When I first meet a guy and I like them, I can be cool. I can fake it. Up until the point that they like, maybe they want to make a move on me, then it's over. And I'm cringe AF. And I get all tense and weird and like not cool, not cool anymore. It's all at the window. My fake chill cool vibe, gone, gone, done so. It's over. Like for the first few times,

I mean, then I get over it and I think a lot of people are like that maybe, but don't care, it's not cool. It's not the stereotypical cool vibe that we're referring to. Me getting all weird intense and like tight, I get like a physical reaction when I like a guy and then they like touch me. In any way, they touch my arm.

Even something as innocent as that, nope, I'm tensed up. I'm tensed up, I'm like all tight. And it makes shit weird. You know what I mean? Because that's not the body language that you're supposed to be giving. That's not the cool body language that you're supposed to be giving.

That's not cool. You know, is there anything wrong with it? Fuck no, there's nothing wrong with it. But it's not cool. We'd all be lying if we said it was cool. What would the cool girl do? So chill. Super loose, super chill, super relaxed, super, okay,

the word loose, that's not, I don't mean like that. I'm talking about chill and relaxed, okay? Like just whatever. I don't have that ability in the beginning with boys. I just don't. And even though I'm like, you know, at an age now where I've been around the block a few times, I should be super chill and relaxed.

I'm still not there. I don't know if I'll ever be there. That's just not me. Another thing about me is that I sometimes get very insecure about people liking me or not. But it's not really in a broad sense. It's more on like a personal, more closer, tight knit circle sense.

Like if I'm dating somebody or my best friends, or you know what I mean, I'll get super insecure and I'll be like, I don't think they like me anymore. I don't feel like they love me anymore. They don't like me, they don't love me anymore. I feel like they're over me, they hate me. And then I get super paranoid. And then I text them and I say,

you hate me. No, you hate me and I can feel it. You hate me right now. Yes, you do, you hate me. No, I can feel it. You don't like me anymore. And you don't want to be my friend or you don't want to be my boyfriend anymore. You don't love me and you hate me. And that's the truth. And I can feel it through the phone. And I can feel it through FaceTime. And I felt it when we were hanging out yesterday. I can

tell that you don't like me anymore. And that's fine. Just say it to my fucking face. Because I need to hear it so that I can move on and I can find so I'll go down like a fucking rabbit hole convincing myself that people don't like me anymore when nothing has changed and everything is fine and I'm actually going crazy That's again not a cool not a stereotypically cool thing. What would the cool girl do? She'd be like she'd be like oh, you don, you don't fuck with me anymore? That's cool. I'm gonna go play my guitar now. You know what I mean?

That's what we imagine the cool girl would do. So when we have these moments where we're not cool, we don't feel like we're cool. Our vulnerabilities are showing. We have to remember that everyone has them. Some people have more. Some people have more. Some people have more. Some people have more. Some people have less.

Some people are more weird than others. Some people are more cool than others. It's all on a spectrum, I would argue. But there's no one completely all weird and anyone completely all cool. There are some people that maybe you might perceive as unusual or weird in a way. Weird is not a bad thing. When I say weird, I don't mean like weird is, that's not a bad mean degrading term at all. I would argue if you consider someone weird, it might be because are unusual. They are, you know, maybe going against the grain in a way that like is not widely accepted as cool. It's just the opposite of cool, but it's not a negative thing by any means. It's just the opposite of cool. That's the way I look at weird. I don't look at weird as a negative thing.

And I don't even look at like these vulnerable traits that are maybe considered uncool as being a bad thing either. They're, again, they're a part of being a human. There's nothing wrong with feeling insecure sometimes. There's nothing wrong with feeling insecure sometimes. There's nothing wrong with liking things that are maybe considered nerdy or weird. Like, there's nothing wrong with any of that. It's all the way that we perceive things as like society as a whole. And it's all kind of a combination of an illusion with a little sprinkle of societal norms

and like kind of societal-ly pushed ideals. It's kind of all really just a figment of our collective imagination. Coolness versus weirdness versus vulnerableness, versus whatever, it's all kind of one big illusion. I think it's especially prevalent now because I think back in the day, it was probably a lot harder to create an illusion that you were cool.

100% because a long time ago, you know, everything was in person. The only people that had the opportunity to create an illusion of coolness were celebrities because they were able to be on magazines and do interviews and be in movies and be in TV shows and stuff like that. And that was something that was cherry-picked. You know what I mean? Like the most impressive parts of the movie

and the interview and the photos. Those were the things that were hitting the mainstream. Everybody was saying them, you know what I mean? But when it came to normal average people, there wasn't this coolness competition as much because it's pretty hard to pretend that you're cool. You're too cool for school, if you will, like that you're like 100% cool and you don't have anything weird about you. It's pretty hard to keep up that illusion in person because inevitably,

you'll slip up. You know, something vulnerable will come out. something embarrassing will come out, something cringe might come out. It's very hard to not reveal some of your humanity when you're in person. So, it was maybe less of a big deal than it is now. Was it still a big deal? For sure, definitely. I think it has always been probably and always will be. You know, people comparing themselves to each other based on how cool they seem. I just think that's probably been around since the humans have been around. But I think that now it's especially crazy because people can really create a damn good illusion on social media. Like really good.

You know, and that illusion can be whatever they want. So if they want to make themselves look really cool, they can do that, anyone can do that. And you have all the tools you want at your fingertips to create that illusion. I think it's actually probably more of a problem now because a lot of times now, a lot of interactions are virtual. And we still have real life interactions, but a lot of our interactions are virtual now. And that keeping up a cool illusion is pretty easy virtually. It's like very easy. It's only in person when it becomes difficult. And so maybe back in the day, you might see somebody across the classroom, in class, and they

have cool clothes and they have the whole cool thing going. And you're like, oh, like wow, they're so awesome. I wish I was like them. And then you meet them and maybe you have a conversation with them and you're like, oh, yeah, they have some cool traits about them, but they're human. They're normal. And you realize that once you have a real life conversation with them and it kind of,

and you're able to relate to them. And then you're able to be like, wait, I don't need to compare myself to this person because they're human, they're normal. They're just a normal, they're not some sort of perfect goddess. You know what I think it is? I think we put people that we perceive as cool on a pedestal, right? And when we put them up on that pedestal,

we start to see them as almost like gods. I'm not even kidding. This sounds fucking insane, but I feel like it's kind of true. And you can tell me if you agree or not on various social media platforms by messaging me. You can let me know what you think. But I do think that when we think other people are cool, we put them on a pedestal. And I think that the only way to take them down from that pedestal and to see them as a normal human being and not as a sort of figment of our imagination

is to have a real in-depth intimate conversation with this person, whoever they are. And I think that it was more balanced pre-social media because the number of cool people that you saw Was probably less back in the day, you know You'd only see them at school or maybe on your sports team in your community That was as widespread as it would go and the chance of you getting to have an intimate conversation with all of those people Was a lot higher because you're in the same community. And if you see them in the first place, it's probably because they're across the room from you. Whereas now, we see so many people every single day.

If you're scrolling through your TikTok for you page, you're seeing hundreds of people a day. If you're scrolling through your Instagram Explorer page, you're seeing hundreds of people a day. We see hundreds in hundreds of people a day now. And a lot of those people seem pretty cool. They have cool sense and fashion. Maybe they're talking about something cool or intellectual,

whatever on their Instagram, like whatever it may be on YouTube even. And so I think a lot of us feel really overwhelmed in like losers because we feel like we're seeing all these cool people every day that we're putting up on this pedestal. But in reality, all of them could be just creating an illusion really, really well. And most likely most of them are just creating an illusion. Or if they're truly demonstrating who they truly are, deep down, somewhere hiding in there, they're a little weird, they're a little unusual, they have some vulnerable sides to them, everyone.

I don't care, I don't care, I'm convinced, I am convinced. I was talking about this with my dad, actually before I started recording this today, and I was like, nobody's really cool, right? Like, am I crazy? And he was like, no, a thousand percent. And we were both trying to think of somebody that has been able to live up to the cool,

I've said cool so many fucking times in this episode. I know it's annoying. Do I need another word? What's another word for cool? I'm looking up the the thesaurus, okay. Thesaurus, what's another word for cool? God help me because I, if I say it one more time, we're all going to throw our phones at the wall.

Okay, the only word in the thesaurus is chill. That's it. Cool and chill, that's all we got The only word in the Thessaurous is chill. That's it. Cool and chill. That's all we got for the rest of this episode. Sorry. Those are our only options. Even Google agrees that there's really no other word.

Unfortunately. Anyway, where was I? I was talking to my dad and we were trying to figure out if we've ever met somebody that was actually as cool as we imagine them to be, right? And the only person we could think of was my younger cousin, okay? He, you want to know why he's so fucking cool? He doesn't give a fuck. He doesn't give a fuck about his clothes. He doesn't give a fuck. He doesn't give a fuck about his

clothes. He doesn't give a fuck about what people think of him. He's like, I don't know, 15 maybe. He is respectful, but he's also not an ask his or he keeps to himself. He has a bunch of hobbies. He's probably the coolest person I know. He doesn't even, and he doesn't even realize it because, and also he doesn't fucking care. Now if I were to deep dive into my 15 year old cousin who clearly does not give a fuck about anything, I'd probably be able to find something within him that maybe wasn't cool, you know, and again, that's not a diss to my cousin because there's nothing wrong with not being 100% cool. That's not possible. Okay, it's not actually possible. So there's nothing wrong with

it because it's unrealistic and it's not real. But anyway, I could maybe find something somewhere deep inside of his mind or inside of his habits or inside of his life that's not cool, but at the same time, he doesn't give a fuck. And I honestly think that that's the coolest thing that you can do is just not care. To mind your own business, find things that you're excited about because you're excited about them. Make choices for yourself and not for anyone else. Dress the way you want to dress, talk to the people you want to talk to, and just do your own thing.

Unfortunately, I mean, that sort of mindset just has to come to you. And it just, like, that sort of vibe, it takes time to get there. And it has to just has to come to you. And it just like that sort of vibe, it takes time to get there. And it has to just sort of come to you. And I think that the way that that can be acquired is just through practicing living for you and not living for anyone else. And practicing following your inner voice rather than the voices around you and trusting yourself, you know, I don't know. But again, I

don't know. I think that that's the closest that you can get to being really cool is just by not giving a fuck to your core about what anyone thinks and just doing your own thing in all areas of life while still being a good person caring about others and being honest and vulnerable in yourself and unapologetically doing so But I don't know. I don't know. I'm curious. What do you think? What do you think about this whole thing? Let me know. You can tweet me at

AG podcast or send me a DM on Instagram at anything goes and Tell me what you think. Okay. My mind is open. I don't know. I think that the whole concept of coolness can be a little toxic. And it's just unrealistic. It's another unrealistic standard that we sort of put on ourselves and that we've sort of developed over the course of our life. And I think we can all let it go because I think the whole thing is fake in an illusion. And that's all I have for today. That's all she wrote, okay? Anywho.

Well, thank you guys for hanging out. Again, let me know what you think. I told you my social media accounts are ready. Tweet me, DM me, do whatever. I appreciate you listening this week and hanging out. I love you very much. If you want to go check out my coffee company, you can do that. Chammurlincoffee.com. Use code AG15 for a little discount. If you want to pick up some new stiff. We are launching or we may have already launched a pumpkin spice blend of coffee. It's unsweetened, it doesn't have any added sugar or anything, it just has the aroma and the sort of notes of pumpkin spice. It's delicious. So that just came out. Okay. We have lots of cute

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