anything goes with emma chamberlain - is it narcissistic to post photos of yourself? [video]

Episode Date: April 20, 2023

[video available on Spotify] recently, i've felt weird posting pictures of myself on instagram, and i've never felt this feeling before. posting photos of ourselves online is a part of being human at this point. it's so incredibly normal. i think most of us aren't even questioning why we do it. and up until recently, i didn't question it either. but the last few times I've gone to post a photo of myself on instagram, i've felt like a narcissist, and it scared me a little bit. i've been finding myself taking a pause before i post a picture of myself feeling almost uncertain of whether or not it's the right thing to do. and i'm somebody who has a tendency to overthink, so part of me wonders if i'm overthinking the whole thing. but part of me also thinks there's a chance that even though we've normalized posting photos of ourselves, it's still actually a narcissistic behavior. so today, I wanna figure out for myself honestly, whether or not posting photos of yourself online is narcissistic.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Recently, I've felt weird posting pictures of myself on Instagram. And I've never felt this feeling before. For the last 10 years of my life, I've been posting pictures of myself on the internet. Non-stop, okay, non-stop. And I've never thought anything of it. and I've never thought anything of it. Posting photos of ourselves are mine is a part of being human at this point. It's become an instinct, almost. And it's so incredibly normal.

And I think most of us aren't even questioning why we do it, because it's just so normal. And up until recently, I didn't question it either. But the last few times I've gone to post a photo of myself on Instagram, I felt weird. I felt like a narcissist. And it scared me a little bit. I've been finding myself taking a pause before I post a picture of myself, feeling almost

uncertain of whether or not it's the right thing to do. And this is bizarre to me because it just had never crossed my mind before. It had always been such an automatic thing to do, especially for me as somebody who considers posting things on the internet as a part of my job in a way. It's been weird for me to sort of question whether or not it's a narcissistic behavior, and I'm somebody who has a tendency to overthink. So, part of me wonders if I'm overthinking the whole thing. But part of me also thinks there's a chance that even though we've sort of normalized posting photos of ourselves, it's still actually a narcissistic kind of behavior.

And so today I sort of want to figure out for myself, honestly, whether or not posting photos of yourself online is narcissistic. Now, I really want to be clear before we begin this conversation about what type of narcissism I'm discussing today, because there's a disorder that is narcissism. Technically, the definition of narcissism is excessive interest in or admiration of one's self and one's physical appearance. So keep this definition in mind as we proceed. But narcissism is also a personality trait.

Instead of having a full-blown disorder, some people simply have narcissistic tendencies and that they are self-centered and have a big ego. Someone who is narcissistic may be selfish in some areas of their life, but they are not disordered. I got this information from thriveworks.com. So I guess what I'm trying to figure out today is, is posting images of yourself online

and narcissistic behavior? Yes, no, or sometimes, spoiler alert, I think it's gonna end up being sometimes, as most things are. And on top of that, if it is narcissistic to post photos of yourself, is that wrong? Let's get into it. First, I kind of want to dissect why we post photos of ourselves. What is the goal that we have in mind? And it definitely has something to do with

how we're perceived in a way. Because I don't think any of us would use social media if nobody was there to see what we were posting. So what do we want people to see? What is our motivation? I think one of the main reasons why we post photos of ourselves online is because we feel like we look good in the photo. We're in a moment of confidence. We feel hot, we feel like we look good in the photo. We're in a moment of confidence.

We feel hot, we feel cute, we feel cool, we feel attractive, and we want people to see that. I think if you're posting a photo of yourself every once in a while, that you think you look hot in or cute in or good in, I don't think that's necessarily a narcissistic behavior because I think it's normal and healthy for everybody to feel confident and attractive. But I think if you are constantly on this high of confidence, feeling hot 24, 7, and you're posting all the time, just hot photos of yourself, cute photos of yourself, good photos of yourself.

This might be a narcissistic behavior. I think if it's done on occasion, it's just a sign that you feel good and you want people to see because, I don't know, it feels good for people to see you looking good, right? That feels good. But I think if you're constantly doing that, then I think it's a narcissistic behavior. The frequency is crucial here because if we go back to the definition of narcissism, it's excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and one's physical appearance.

Know the word excessive, right? We all know somebody who is just posting selfies all day and you're like, how are you still going? You must not be doing anything else. Like, what are you doing anything else today? That to me is a narcissistic behavior because it's excessive and it's obsessive. And I think that's the key there. So I think if you're just doing it every once in a while, okay, big whoop, you know what

I mean? Go off. It's healthy, I think, to be confident, and to want to show yourself off every once in a while. But if it's constant, I think that that's that's a narcissistic behavior. Another reason why we post photos of ourselves is in a moment of weakness when we aren't feeling so hot, you know, we're feeling a little insecure and we need reassurance in some way. And posting photos of ourselves on social media and receiving

compliments in the comment section of that post can really give you a confidence boost. You have the ability to edit photos of yourself, cherry pick the best photos of yourself to post on social media so that you can almost guarantee compliments because you know you look good, because you can control whether or not you look good. And I think sometimes when we're feeling low and not good about ourselves in a physical way, we can try to remedy that insecurity by posting a photo of ourselves that might be a little fabricated or might be kind of cherry picked to get compliments, you know, to make us feel better about ourselves.

I think that similar to the last example that I gave, this can be narcissistic if it's performed too frequently. You know, if every once in a while, you're feeling down in the dumps, you're not feeling cute, so you go through your camera roll and you find a cute pick of yourself and you post it just to get a few compliments.

It's like, all right, sometimes we need to do that, right? But if you're doing that all the time, I think that that's when it becomes a narcissistic behavior, because again, emphasis on the definition of narcissism, it's like you're so obsessed with your appearance in the way that you're perceived and your worth is sort of based on how you feel about yourself in a way that's imbalanced, right?

You might need compliments about yourself in order to function. You know what I'm saying? Like you need validation from external sources about yourself or else you have no confidence at all because all of your confidence lies in how you're perceived and how you how you look and you're obsessed with it, right? But you can't find confidence in it yourself so you need to get it elsewhere on a consistent basis. I mean, I know that narcissism is normally kind of

perceived as more of a self-obsession in a positive way, I guess. Like, somebody looks at themselves like they are the best and they are so hot and so great and all this. But I think narcissism can also show itself in simply an obsession with oneself. And that can actually be probably a negative thing as well. So I think posting a photo of yourself in a moment of weakness can also be a narcissistic behavior. Even though it might not be as obvious, I think it still can

be because you're so obsessed with your appearance and how people perceive you that you need to be constantly feeding the narcissism beast in your mind with these compliments in order to function. And there's an excessive level of focus on your appearance and making sure everyone knows that you look good, even though you deep down feel insecure and not good about yourself, right? Okay, I don't know. This is complicated and it's hurting my brain. Another reason why we post photos of ourselves

is because we want to express ourselves in some way. Maybe we want to express ourselves through fashion. Maybe we want to express ourselves through fashion. Maybe we want to express ourselves through makeup. I think a lot of us post photos of ourselves online to sort of help to build our creative identity in people's minds through our self expression. This to me is not an narcissistic behavior, actually, but the line is very blurred. Okay. In theory, you know, posting a photo of your makeup or a cool outfit is a way to sort of share your self-expression and your creative expression, right? You are the canvas. You know,

the subject of the post is not, hey, I look hot, it's, look at this creation I've made. You're the canvas rather than the subject. And I think that by nature, doesn't seem like a narcissistic behavior to me. That's more just expressing oneself creatively. But I think the line is blurred because I think at times two things can be true

when posting a photo of yourself. You might post a photo because you're wearing a cool outfit and you want to show that to people. But also secretly deep down you feel a little bit insecure at the moment and you like, I don't know, need validation for some reason. You see what I'm saying? Like, I think the line is blurred because you can have multiple intentions at once. But that's a little bit too much for me to comprehend on this fine afternoon. So I'm just going to leave it to one intention at a time, one posting intention at a time. I would say overall, posting a picture of yourself as a means to express yourself is not narcissistic to me.

I think that's just a way to build your identity in other people's minds and to maybe inspire other people as well. You know, I'm constantly inspired by the way that other people express themselves, the way that they do their makeup, the way that they dress themselves. I don't know, like that's inspiring to me. And so I like to do the same thing.

You know, if I'm wearing an outfit that I think is cool, I'll post a photo of it because I want to sort of do the same thing that other people are doing. I'm inspired by other people's self-expression on the internet, and so I want to also express myself on the internet. Am I going to choose a photo of myself that I think I look bad in?

No, I'm still going to choose a good photo of myself because I think that that's just human nature. But it's like my intent in posting the photo when I'm doing something like that is not to get compliments and stuff like that. It's hopefully to sort of show aside of myself and maybe to inspire somebody else. You know, keep that chain reaction going where we're all sort of inspiring each other creatively on the internet.

And I think that's a magical thing. Another reason why we post photos of ourselves on social media is out of competition. I think posting pictures of ourselves online can be rooted in competitiveness at times. You know, you might post a picture of yourself looking good and having fun and trying to look cooler and more attractive than others out of this feeling of wanting to be competitive

with other people, wanting to be the best, you know, feeling like you have the coolest best life and you want to win in a way. And I think this is more common than we think it is. The way I'm describing it is, it sounds a lot more extreme than I think it is. I think a lot of it is subconscious. I think I've even participated in this to a certain extent, but on a subconscious level, I don't even think I realized I was doing it. We're constantly seeing other people on social media doing fun things, looking good.

And that can bring out a competitive side of us where we're like, well, we want to be better. We want to do even more fun stuff. And we want to look even better. And I think sometimes social media can bring out a competitive side in us. And so whether we even realize it or not, at times, we might post from a competitive state of mind. And to me, this isn't narcissistic behavior in a way because feeling threatened by other people's lives and feeling like you

need to be on top and you need to one up and you need to be the best. To me is a sign of excessive interest in one's self because if you're a little bit more neutral in regards to your view of yourself, you're a lot less likely to feel threatened by other people's lives online. You're going to be a little bit more neutral about it. You're not really so concerned about what everyone neutral about it. You're not really so concerned about what everyone else is doing. You're like, well, yeah, I mean, they look like they're having more fun than me, but whatever. So yeah, I do think posting from a competitive place is maybe a narcissistic behavior. Another reason why we post on social media is to potentially attract

other people to us. Maybe that's attracting friends. Maybe that's attracting a significant other or a romantic partner. I think sometimes we post things on social media to sort of paint a picture of ourselves to others to attract a certain type of person. So we might post a photo of ourselves looking good to try to attract a romantic partner.

We're not posting it because we're like, oh, I'm like hot right now. I need everyone to see this and I need a confidence boost. It's like, I'm posting this so that I don't know. People think I'm cute so that they want to give me a kiss. Okay, sorry. That's definitely an intent at times. Or you might post a photo of yourself looking friendly, looking happy, looking fun, to try to attract friends in people with a similar vibe to you. I actually don't think that posting photos of yourself

to try to attract other people is a narcissistic behavior. I think that is a normal part of our world today. You know, we network online so much these days that a lot of us make friends through the internet and our online identity doesn't mean nothing and we do attract people that way. I mean, I met my boyfriend through the internet. I've met so many of my friends through the internet. Okay, that's like, I actually haven't. I don't have that many friends,

but I have met a few friends over the internet. I don't think that this is a narcissistic behavior because the intent is to socialize and to share your personality online with you as the vessel for that in the image, you know, to try to attract social experiences. I don't know. That to me, it doesn't feel like a narcissistic behavior. That's more inactive socializing in a way. You know, you have to put yourself forward online in order for people to get a gauge of who you are in order to reach out to you.

I think that that makes sense, but that doesn't strike me as an artistic behavior. Another reason why I think people post photos of themselves online is to share with close friends and family who don't have access to them. This is kind of the original purpose for social media, you know, to connect with people that we don't get to see on a daily basis, who we already have a relationship with. I remember when my mom made a Facebook back in the day, the reason why she made it was because

she was excited to post photos of me for my grandparents to see. And I think a lot of people had that experience with social media when they first started using it. It was like, I want to share photos of myself with my family who doesn't get to see me all the time. My friends who don't get to see me all the time. This is clearly not a narcissistic behavior because this is just relationship building.

Like posting photos of yourself for your close friends and family is, you know, to feel connected with those people. And that makes a lot of sense to me and doesn't really feel narcissistic by nature to me. So I think we can safely move on from that and say that that is not a narcissistic by nature to me. So I think we can safely move on from that and say that that is not a narcissistic behavior at all. And the last reason I can think of why we post images of

ourself online is simply because it's the norm. I think a lot of people post photos of themselves to simply fit in because everyone else is doing it. So it would almost be weird in some ways not to do it. Like, I know people who don't really care about the internet and they also don't have narcissistic tendencies at all. You know, they are not concerned about their appearance. They're very neutral when it comes to themselves yet they post photos of themselves on the internet once a year because they kind of feel like they have to. I think posting photos of yourself because it's the norm is not a narcissistic

behavior because I think at times we feel pressured to do so because it kind of feels required to be a part of society. It's like, nowadays, if you don't have a social media presence, you're the outlier. You're unusual. That's not common. You know, I don't know many people who don't have a presence online. I can maybe think of three people. Okay. I think you can actually feel in some ways invisible

without some sort of digital footprint because it's become such a big part of our identities now. And so I think if you're just posting to be present online and to sort of have a footprint, then that doesn't feel narcissistic to me. So, I guess the conclusion there is, is that posting photos of yourself online isn't inherently narcissistic, right? I think it's very situational. At times, it is, and at times, it isn't. It depends on your intent. Why are you posting the photo?

But I guess that brings me to my next question, which is, is it bad to be a little more narcissistic sometimes? I don't know, I think, you know, having narcissistic behaviors show up every once in a while is nothing to be worried about. Especially nowadays when we have access to the internet, which brings out a side of us that is narcissistic,

I think it's kind of unavoidable at this point that we're going to participate in narcissistic behaviors, especially online, at least a few times in our life. I mean, it's not everybody, but I think the majority of us are going to behave in a narcissistic way every once in a while on the internet. I almost think it's inevitable because it's so tempting in a way.

And it's so normalized too, you know? So I think as long as it's in moderation, I don't really know if it's a problem. But I think when it becomes excessive and when it becomes a personality trait, it's an issue. If you're constantly posting photos of yourself 24, seven, it's just like constantly, you know, your whole Instagram feed is just like selfies.

It's like so constantly, you know, your whole Instagram feed is just like selfies. It's like so overwhelming, you know, you spend hours a day taking photos of yourself. You know, you're relying on the comments to make you feel good about yourself. You're having a meltdown if you feel like you don't look good enough on Instagram. Like, that's when it becomes an issue. I think the act of posting a photo of yourself can be narcissistic. But I also think it's not an issue unless it becomes excessive. That's the conclusion I'm coming to today, but it's not really a conclusion. Okay. It's still up in the air. What's interesting is, I think social media can actually turn us into narcissists, even

if we weren't before. I think social media has a tendency to bring out a very narcissistic side of us that might have remained dormant otherwise. You know, and I think back to why I first started posting on social media, my intent was to just be included because everyone else was doing it. And I was like, well, I have to do it. And that was why I started posting on social media.

But I would be lying if I said that there weren't times that I posted a photo myself because I thought I looked good and I wanted everybody to see maybe for a compliment or two. I would be lying if I said I didn't post a photo every once in a while in a moment of weakness, you know, feeling like I need a boost of confidence in some way. I don't think I really do that as much anymore but I definitely used to. It started as something that I did to fit in and it turned into something that was a little bit more narcissistic.

It brought that side out of me that I didn't have before. I think a lot of us have become kind of addicted to the validation and attention that likes and comments give us. And I think by posting ourselves on social media, we're unintentionally feeding a narcissistic beast in a way. And I think there are ways to post photos of yourself online that are not narcissistic. I name them earlier, you know, they do exist. But I think we have to be honest with ourselves about whether or not our intentions are narcissistic and whether or not we're okay with that. Because the truth is, as long as, you know, you're narcissistic tendencies, they're not harming anyone or you, then I guess there's not really an issue there. I guess the question is, are you okay with that?

Is that a healthy way for you to live? Is that impacting you negatively in a way that's a little bit hidden? It's not obvious. Is that something you wanna change? Do you wanna change that habit? Do you wanna stop posting photos of yourself online for narcissistic reasons?

Or is it not really bothering you? And it's not really getting in the way of your happiness in life at this moment and it's not something you need to address, even if maybe it is narcissistic by nature. I think that that's a journey that everybody needs to go on as an individual. For me, on a personal level,

I feel uncomfortable at this point posting a photo online for narcissistic reasons. Like, I can feel in my gut whether or not I'm doing that. And so, as of recently, I don't want to do that at all. So, anytime I'm posting a photo, it's to express myself in some way, it's to express myself in some way. It's to participate in the in the beast of the internet and it's to be present on there because that's just the normal thing to do these days, I guess.

For me personally, narcissistic tendencies make me unhappy, right? Relying on validation from comments and likes makes me miserable. I don't want to do that. I don't really think the desire to excessively post photos of myself is an issue for me personally, because that's just not really how my brain works. I'm not wired that way. I tend to be pretty self-deprecating in my mind and I tend to see every photo of myself and feel kind of disappointed by it Unfortunately working on that because that's not that's like swinging too far in the other direction where it's like too negative, right?

but I definitely don't have an issue with posting photos of myself excessively from a state of confidence. I don't think that applies to me. But in general, I'm personally on a journey where I'm not interested in enabling myself to participate in narcissistic tendencies. And I don't want to feed that beast inside of myself. And so moving forward, I'm going to post photos of myself online. And that's okay with me. But I feel a lot more clear now that we've had this conversation about when I'm feeding the narcissistic beast and when I'm not. And so I think moving forward, you know, I can ask myself, Hey, why are you posting this? Like what's your intent here?

And if my answer is, well, I want to express myself, then boom, you know, that's great. That's the type of thing I want to pose. But if I start falling into, you know, a rhythm where I'm posting from narcissistic impulses, then, you know, that's when I might want to take a step back. And that's when maybe I question whether or not I have a healthy relationship with social media. This might be something that I'm overthinking to a certain extent. It's not necessarily that deep, right?

Posting on social media is just something that we all do and who gives a fuck with the intent is, okay? Like who gives a fuck, right? Fair enough. I know that there are probably some of you out there who are thinking that right now, but I don't know. I always like to be coming from a good place when I do things. Right? And I'm always trying to figure out what the right thing is, like what's the right thing to do?

And when you think about the concept of posting an image of yourself for other people to see, it sounds narcissistic, right? Like it does. Like when you take yourself out of society today where it's so normal and you look at it with fresh eyes and a fresh perspective, it does kind of feel narcissistic. And I think that's kind of what I've been feeling recently. But I don't think that it is all bad.

I think it really just depends on your intent. And it depends on whether or not you have a healthy relationship with social media. And to be honest, I think I do. I mean, I think there's always more work to be done. You know, there are times when maybe I'm subconsciously posting for the wrong reasons, but moving forward, I really want to be mindful of that so that I don't feed that narcissistic beast. And that's what I'm going to do. Please let me know what you think.

You can always send me a tweet or DM. Twitter is at AG podcast. Instagram is at anything goes. Let me know what you think about this topic. Do you agree? Do you disagree? You can also check out my Instagram at Emma Chamberlain if you want to just see what I'm doing.

You can check out my coffee company, Chamberlain Coffee, use code AG15 for a little discount if you want. I'm drinking cold brew today. It's very deluge. Although that's like, that is my fourth coffee drink of the day. So I'm gonna put the rest in the fridge. Like I actually have to slow down. New episodes of Anything Goes are out every Thursday

and Sunday, so feel free to tune in if you wanna hang out. It is always such a pleasure. I really love and appreciate all of you. And I'll talk to you soon. Yeah. Thank you.