anything goes with emma chamberlain - it’s okay to change your mind, a talk with emma

Episode Date: July 25, 2024

i've noticed something about myself - in periods of self-reflection, the hardest things for me to address are contradictions and inconsistencies in my personality. and it makes sense why this is so uncomfortable to address. it's because i feel like the consistency between our beliefs and our actions gives us a sense of emotional stability. and when you find a contradiction or an inconsistency, it rattles that piece of our foundation. an inconsistency that i've found within myself recently is that, sometimes, i’m afraid to change my mind. so today, I'm going to discuss why it's okay to change our minds. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I've noticed something about myself. In periods of self-reflection, one of the hardest things for me to address is contradictions and inconsistencies in my personality. And it makes sense why this is so uncomfortable to address. It's because I feel like our consistency between our beliefs and our actions and our thoughts and our feelings give us a sense of emotional stability. When we feel consistent, we trust ourselves more. We feel more confident.

We feel better about ourselves as human beings. And when you find a contradiction or an inconsistency, it rattles that piece of our foundation, and it causes us to lose trust in ourselves. It can impact our self-esteem. It's overall, for the lack of a better term, embarrassing. There's something really embarrassing about finding an inconsistency in oneself.

An inconsistency that I've found within myself recently is that I am actually afraid to change my mind sometimes. And this is an inconsistency because prior to this realization, I had always believed that I was malleable, I was flexible, that I was not afraid of changing my mind. Because I'm aware of how important it is to change your mind over and over again throughout the course of your life. And yet, I noticed recently that in certain areas of my life,

I am embarrassed to change my mind. There's still a bit of stubbornness left in me that I have yet to address. But I know for a fact I'm not alone in this, and many people are afraid to change their mind. And when I look inward at why I'm afraid to change my mind, I find a few things. Number one, I'm afraid of seeming like a hypocrite, not only to myself, but also to the rest of the world.

There's something really shameful about hypocrisy. And it's something that is almost a pet peeve for me. Like, I hate hypocrisy. And I think a lot of times it can be a red flag in people or a red flag in anything, like even like a company or a brand. And when you don't like something, you definitely don't want to be that. So I think that that's one reason why I'm afraid of changing my mind is because I'm afraid of looking like or feeling like a hypocrite. Now, whether or not changing your mind is being a hypocrite is something that we'll discuss later

because I don't think it is. Hypocrisy is different. But anyway, fear of being a hypocrite. That's one reason why I'm afraid to change my mind sometimes. I also think that there's a part of me that's embarrassed about seeming naive for not getting it right the first time. Especially when you share your initial thought

with a level of passion. Like you come out to yourself or to your friends or your family or to the internet or to anyone with this grand idea that you stand by in firmness. Like this is what I believe, this is what I'm doing, this is what's happening. is what I'm doing. This is what's happening You come out with all this energy just to change your mind down the line There's something embarrassing about that because it makes your initial Passion about your idea seem naive like oh my god

I came out with all this energy and all this excitement just to end up changing my mind like that's mortifying I also think at times it's challenging to accept that you are wrong, just in general. Majority of people on this planet, I would assume, struggle with being wrong, at least sometimes. And I would say, in general, I'm okay with being wrong and I'm willing to accept when I'm wrong. And that's why this whole thing is so challenging

because I am for the most part, okay with being wrong. And that's why this whole thing is so challenging because I am for the most part okay with being wrong. And that's something that I take pride in. However, there are still times I'm realizing more recently that I struggle to accept that I'm wrong. Because again, being wrong is embarrassing. It can sometimes feel hypocritical. It can sometimes look naive. And last but not least, stubbornness. I also like to believe about myself that I'm not very stubborn. However, I do think that there are certain little pieces of me deep down inside that are stubborn.

And I think most people have little corners of their mind that are stubborn. I would like to eventually not be stubborn. Because I think being stubborn is different than being strong. There's a negative cloud hanging over stubbornness, whereas there's a beautiful sun shining on being strong. There's a big difference there. However, at times they can maybe look or feel the same, but I think that they are very different. I just Googled it.

What's the difference between being strong and stubborn? And thanks to www.motherapedia.com, being stubborn is often a short-sighted, immature, and self-defeating behavior, while being strong-willed generally deals with the need to be strong and succeed, not giving up on what you believe in. That's a really great explanation that I never could have come up with myself. Thank you to motheropedia.com. But I think that a lot of us have little bits and pieces of stubbornness inside of us.

Even if we've gone on journeys to defeat our stubbornness, it's very hard to eradicate completely and I feel like all of us have at least a bit of stubbornness left inside. And that can come out when you're faced with a changing of the mind. Because you can be like, wait, but I stood so firm in my belief, if I change my mind, I'm not going to change my mind. I believed that at one point with so much passion. I'm not going to change my mind. There's a stubbornness that comes with changing your mind.

Now the reason why this is on my mind is that there was recently a situation where I changed my mind without even realizing that I was doing it. I was not allowing myself to change my mind because I didn't want to believe that I was wrong. And then that sort of opened the floodgates to all of the other things that I've challenged to change my mind about despite knowing deep down that I needed

to change my mind about them, some big, some small, and it's brought to my attention that this is something I really want to work on. The thing that happened most recently was, I regret re-downloading TikTok. That was the wrong choice. I should not have done that.

And it's even worse because I came here to my podcast and told all of you, I'm re-downloading TikTok. Here are all the reasons why I think it's a good thing. And I'm doing it with energy and I'm doing it with passion. Watch me do it. I'm going to start posting TikToks. Now you might be thinking to yourself, Emma, this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Who gives a fuck whether or not you have a TikTok, whether or not you post on TikTok. It doesn't matter. Yes. However, I think what makes it so challenging for me to change my mind about TikTok is the stink I made about it. Like I really told everyone I'm going back on TikTok and this is a great idea. And here's why. Only to realize later that that was not the right decision.

I made an episode about redownloading TikTok, so you can go listen to that if you would like. But I'll give you a brief summary of what I said. I talked about why I initially deleted the app, which was because it was overall toxic for me. It was toxic for me to consume. I was too addicted to consuming TikToks. But also, I found that the community on TikTok

tended to be a bit more negative than other social media platforms. There was a lot more hate on TikTok, a lot more judgment bullying all of these things on TikTok. The overall vibe was very negative. And I also sort of looked down on the platform in a way. I was like, this app provides nothing of value to society. I don't want to be a part of it. So that's why I initially deleted it. And then I discussed my various

challenges with social media over the years, which is far too complicated to explain now. So go listen to that episode if you want a recap on that. And then I talked about why I didn't go back on it sooner, which was because I was afraid of being hypocritical. Ironically, I had made such a big stink about deleting the app and deleting my account that I felt hypocritical going back on and trying it again. And ultimately, why I decided to redownload it and start posting on it again was because I had solved a lot of my prior issues with social media. It does not impact my brain as negatively now as it used to. I'd also come to the temporary conclusion that TikTok and social media in general is

what you make of it. It doesn't have to be a negative platform. It's all about how I perceive it and how I choose to use it. And last but not least, I thought it would be fun. So I make a whole stink like, okay, Emma's going back on TikTok. You know, I'm really excited. I think it's gonna be creatively exciting for me to make fun little TikToks. Like I can edit them in ways that are exciting to me. And I had this whole pipe dream

about how I was gonna go back on TikTok and how it was gonna be this delightful thing. I was already running on a hypocrisy, right? Because I had deleted it and now I was feeling hypocritical for going back. Well, now I'm feeling hypocritical again for being like, you know what, I actually changed my mind. I actually regret redownloading it.

And you know, I posted on TikTok a few times and it was okay. It was fun. I actually had fun. I enjoyed the little videos that I made, but what I realized was that I was wrong about a few things. Number one, I was wrong about believing that I could swallow the negative sides of TikTok and make the most of the platform.

I was wrong about that because there's such a strong feeling of like in my soul and in my deepest gut, I just have a very negative feeling about TikTok. If you love TikTok by all means, please go and enjoy TikTok. But for me as an individual, there's something about it that's just very negative and makes me very anxious. And I just don't like the platform. I just don't fucking like it.

And I thought that that was because, you know, I used to have a more negative relationship with social media and particularly TikTok. And maybe I could reinvent the relationship. I tried and I failed. It did not work. I also think I was not fully in touch with my reasoning for wanting to go back on TikTok because I think there was this hidden reason

that does not align with my morals and values that was making me want to go back on TikTok, which was that deep down, one of the was making me want to go back on TikTok, which was that deep down, one of the reasons why I wanted to go back on was because I felt like I was missing out. And based on experience in my life, making decisions because you're afraid of missing out is one of the worst reasons to make a decision. Before you should make a decision, you should resolve the fear of missing out.

And then make your decision in a clear-headed way. Deep down, I felt like I was missing out on something. All of my friends are on TikTok. It feels like everyone's on TikTok. And I didn't even really realize that that's why I wanted to be back on the app until I started posting on it again and I I realized I'm not really missing out on shit Then I was like why the fuck did I read down loads to begin with I? Basically ended up coming to the same conclusion that I had a few years ago when I deleted it the first time that this is Not an app. This is not a platform that

works for me that Inspires me that makes me feel good. It just isn't. And it might never be. Listen, am I gonna go and delete my account all over again? No, that was extreme, and I don't think I needed to ever do that. But am I gonna post on it?

Like, I don't really know. I really don't know. I don't know. That's sort of what I'm dealing with right now. It's like, I made this huge stink about going back on TikTok. Now I'm not even posting on it or using it. I don't scroll on it. I don't the app barely exists to me in my head.

And up until recently, I refused to admit this to myself. I was really struggling. I was like, I don't want to post on TikTok. I just don't want to be on this app. Deep down, I felt like that. But I kept pressuring myself like, no, you need to make TikToks. No, you need to make TikToks. No, you need to make TikToks. And guess what happened? I made no TikToks.

I watched no TikToks. And I was just stressed out for no reason, feeling this pressure to prove to the world that I had not changed my mind once again by posting more TikToks. When I'm reality, I didn't really want to do that. Now I know that this is all very small and inconsequential and unimportant. Like this is a very small, inconsequential mental battle compared to other ones that I've experienced and other ones that you are experiencing.

I understand that. But this is just what made me realize that I'm not always okay with changing my mind. I am afraid of what other people are going to think. I am afraid of feeling like a hypocrite to myself, which will hurt my self-esteem. For like months, I was in this limbo where I was too afraid to change my mind,

but also too, in some ways, repulsed by the app to post on it. And so it was causing me all this stress and anxiety for no reason. Like it doesn't matter if I change my mind again. Okay, I changed my mind again. Who gives a fuck? But I was so stubborn about not changing my mind again

that it caused me weeks and weeks and months even of psychological stress. Another thing that I've realized about myself is something in relationships that tends to happen to me now This is not new. This is something that I've done since my very first boyfriend Every single time I date a guy literally every single time I am convinced that that is the man I'm going to marry and I convinced myself of that very early on in the relationship and It clouds my judgment for the remainder of the relationship.

And I end up accepting things about people that I maybe cannot ultimately accept for longer than is healthy for me and my mental well-being. Because in the very beginning of the relationship, I had come to the conclusion that this was the person that I was going to marry. It's an incredibly unhealthy thing to do because as the relationship develops and you start to see people's true colors more and more You start to see things and realize things about the person that you're dating

That is solid proof that this is not husband material. You know what I mean? And this goes for I'm not singling anyone out I'm not this is every guy I've ever dated. And I bet guys who have dated me have come to the same conclusions. But it's such a great example of this that I cannot skip it. When certain traits start to come up or certain challenges arise, because I'm in the head space that this is my husband,

I'll try to solve problems or try to overlook things that are unfair to myself. Like there are certain things that I know I need in a lifelong partner. For example, I need to be with somebody that I know will be a good dad. Somebody who's nurturing, gentle, and caring. That's very important to me. Another thing that's very important to me is good communication skills. I need to talk, I need to communicate, I need these things, right? I need somebody who's trustworthy,

somebody who I can trust with every single bone in my body that I know has a solid moral compass. They can be a rock for me. I need somebody who gets along with my family. Now, when you've decided that you're going to marry someone early on in the relationship in your own head, not, I rarely communicate these beliefs because I've always been afraid of smothering

the person that I'm with. Like I don't want to ever smother them, but I will come to my own silent conclusion that I want to marry them. Okay? And as time goes on and I realize, huh, this person that I'm with is... not even hitting, let's say, 50% of what I'm looking for in a partner. Like, this is not the right match.

And again, it's not shitting on these boys that I've dated. It's just a lack of compatibility, right? And there's somebody who they'll be very compatible for. And that's a beautiful thing. But I'll cause myself so much grief and fear and heartbreak trying to figure out if they're ever gonna become the person I want them to be. But also being so afraid of coming to the conclusion that I was wrong. There is so much pain that comes with thinking

that somebody's going to be your partner for the rest of your life. And then to dismantle that belief, it's very jarring and it's very scary because you start to imagine your future with that person. Oh, maybe we're gonna move here when we turn 30 and we'll start a life here and we'll have a family here. And, you know, we both love this name.

So maybe we'll name our kid this name. And you start to fantasize about what your life is going to look like together. Just to then come to the conclusion that you were wrong and you've changed your mind. And that's really painful. And it makes the breakup harder. And it makes getting back on your feet mentally harder. Now not only are you dealing with a breakup, but you're also dealing with the lowering of self-esteem

because you don't trust yourself anymore. But I also have smaller examples of areas of my life where I can be kind of stubborn about changing my mind. Now, in these areas, it's far less challenging to admit to myself that I've changed my mind. For example, my best friends and I have very different music taste. And in the past, they've played music for me

and I've been like, just immediately judged it. I mean, like, I'm not gonna like this, I don't like this. This is not the genre of music that I listen to. I don't like this, I don't, whatever. And then over time, it's grown on me Now and I eventually have to admit to myself and to my friends. Okay, I actually kind of like this You know and there's something sort of embarrassing about that. I'm like fuck Why did I go into it with so much judgment because now I'm embarrassed

I've changed my mind and now I have to admit it and it's so much more embarrassing or Let's say I meet somebody new and my initial judgment on the person that's out of my control in a lot of ways is, I don't really like this person. And maybe I'll tell a close friend or somebody, I don't really like this person. And then as I get to know them more, I realize I judged them incorrectly. There are actually a lot of delightful things about this person. I've changed my mind. I actually do like this person. Also uncomfortable to admit to myself and to my friends. For all the reasons that I listed earlier.

Afraid of seeming like a hypocrite, embarrassed about seeming naive for not having a right the first time, struggling to accept that I'm wrong sometimes, and just innate stubbornness. There's a few things that I've learned from analyzing these large and small mind changes. Number one, I've been reminded of the importance

of being flexible and malleable within reason. Like you don't want to be spineless, but it's important to not be rigid in our thoughts and beliefs, to always leave ourselves room to be wrong. So for example, with... When I redownloaded TikTok, I should have said, you know what, I might actually be wrong about this. I might actually want to go and delete it again,

but I'm going to go ahead and try it, and we'll see how it goes. I don't think I said that. I might have. And if I did, good on me, but I really don't think I did. I do not recall saying that. I recall being far more rigid with my choice. In the future, when I am in relationships, I am not going to conclude within the first year

of dating somebody that this is my husband. Because I know I might be wrong. Hell, I've been wrong many times, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many times. Many times. So in the future, I'm gonna say, you know, this person would be a great husband for me for these reasons.

This person would not be a great husband for me for these reasons. And whether or not they will ultimately be my husband, I don't know. And what I think is gonna be really great about that is that if they prove to be incompatible with me It's gonna be far easier to be like see okay. Well. It's just not right And I gotta go, but if they do fit all the criteria. It's also great because it's like wow they really fit all the criteria

I still don't know what's gonna happen, but this is a great option, and I should continue here until It proves to be a bad option When my friends show me new music, instead of going into it like, I really don't think I'm going to like this, I go into it like, I don't know if I'm going to like it, I might like it and I might not. And that gives me full flexibility to change my mind as many times as I want. When I first meet somebody, instead of coming to a conclusion in the beginning,

I don't really like this person, I'm going to say, I don't really seem to like this person so much right now, but I might like them later, who knows? So I'm gonna keep giving them a chance. It's all about the wording, it's all about the phrasing, it's all about how we position it in our minds. Changing your mind is only challenging when you're rigid about your stance to begin with.

And I think it's very important to change your mind because it's usually a sign that we're learning and we're growing and we're bettering ourselves. To be too afraid to change your mind and to not allow yourself to change your mind, it's to exist in the past. But you also force yourself to do things that are not good for you.

Good example would be the relationship example. If you've convinced yourself that you're marrying the person but then you realize that they're actually not good for you and they're actually quite unhealthy for you. Now you're living in this relationship and making yourself miserable, which then leads us to the next reason why it's so unhealthy to not allow yourself to change your mind. You can prevent yourself from having new great experiences. If you're staying in a relationship that's bad for you, you now prevent yourself from going out there and dating new people who could bring so much more joy and well-roundedness to your life. Somebody who could be a missing puzzle piece for you

rather than a jagged puzzle piece that will never quite fit. That's from a whole other puzzle. You're not allowing yourself to fully grow. So this is sort of where I'm at. Okay. I changed my mind about TikTok once again. I've changed my mind about every guy I've ever dated. I've changed my mind about many, many songs and many, many people and many, many movies and many, many TV shows and many foods. And that's a sign of growing up. Whenever I struggle with this in the future, the fear of changing my mind,

I'll remind myself of the minor times that I've changed my mind and how life enhancing those mind changes have been. For example, I used to hate wine. I didn't understand it. I just didn't like it. Recently, I've grown to really enjoy a glass of wine every once in a while,

and it brings a lot of joy to my life. I finally understand why my dad sometimes will be like, oh, this meal would be delicious with a glass of wine every once in a while. And it brings a lot of joy to my life. I finally understand why my dad sometimes will be like, ooh, this meal would be delicious with a glass of wine. Like I never understood that. I changed my mind a while wine, and now I really enjoy it. Same thing with tequila. I hated tequila for years.

Now it's my liquor of choice. If I'm ordering, wow, why is this all about alcohol? Okay. But I have changed my mind about tequila. Now it's my liquor of choice and it's delightful. I changed my mind about avocado. Growing up, I hated avocado. I thought it was disgusting and I said I would never eat it.

Then I changed my mind and now I love avocado. I love avocado toast. I love a cucumber avocado roll when I'm ordering sushi. I've changed my mind about people who have become my friends. I've changed my mind about people who have become my friends. I've changed my mind about music. So many beautiful experiences and things that I enjoy so deeply were things that I did not enjoy in the beginning.

Now we'll use that as a reminder every time I need to change my mind moving forward and it's challenging for me. So yeah, yeah, that's all I have for today. That's sort of my little epiphany of this week. And I hope that you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed listening to me ramble about it. And I appreciate you listening to me ramble about it. And if you want to hang out some more new episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday and

Sunday, you can stream anywhere. You get podcasts, although video episodes are exclusively on Spotify. You can check out Anything Goes on social media at anything goes. You can check me out on social media at Emma Chamberlain. And you can check out my coffee company at chamberlaincoffee.com in stores near you, possibly. Check out the store locator online to find out. Or on social media at Chamberlain Coffee.

That's all I got. I love you all. I appreciate you all. And I will talk to you in a few days. Okay, love you and bye.