anything goes with emma chamberlain - reading my diary

Episode Date: October 15, 2020

Writing in a diary can be great for your mental health. It can also be great to look back and see how much you’ve changed. That’s exactly what Emma is doing this week. Analyzing old diary entries to understand why she felt a certain way, and how she’s grown. Why friendships don’t last long, manifesting things that aren’t good for us, and why it’s important to make mistakes. Plus, questions on the meaning of life, and why is cauliflower so damn good?  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hi guys, welcome back to anything goes. I couldn't think of an episode today. Like I could not think of a topic today. It was killing me. I like just I I could not actually not even just today like the whole week. And then I was feeling a little bit anxious so I decided to take out my diary and journal whatever, and I decided to write a little something in it, just start writing in it. I used to write in a journal constantly. On and off for the past few years, I've been writing in journals, diaries, whatever here and there, and I decided to read back far today, because I've been writing in journals, diaries, whatever here and there and I decided to read back

far today because I've been using the same one for years pretty much since I moved LA and Holy shit y'all I want to read some snippets out of it for you guys and talk about it because it's so weird to like Almost hop into your own mind Three two one year ago and like see what was going through your mind back then That's an ass you one it's really interesting and That's what I did.

Like, I just sat there for like an hour and I read through my diary or journal. What do I call it? Can I just, can we agree on a name? I'm going to call it a diary because I like that better. I read through and I just like found some things that I think would be interesting to comment on and like see how my perception of things have changed and see what I've learned and you know maybe somehow you guys are gonna learn something from this or maybe it'll just be entertaining. So quick note before we begin, these diary entries

are basically throughout the past three years. So, like, if I'm telling a story here, it could have been from any point within the past three years and if it has to do with specific people, it could have been any of the hundreds of people that I met and encountered and was friends with or dated. So like, don't be like, I know who that's about. There's a very good chance that you don't.

So yeah, let's just not spin this out of control. This is not for the purpose of drama by any means or anything. This is supposed to be fun and a lot of my friendships and relationships have never reached the internet. So just keep that in mind. And actually, majority of these, if not all, are pretty much friendships and relationships that were private, not all of them, but majority of them. And it's mostly because I don't even remember which ones I took photos of. So, anyway, let's get right into it.

First one. I'm just reading a snippet. I said in this, friends are good though and grateful for my new additions. So this seems like small and insignificant, but I remember these new friends that I had made at the time. But I remember these new friends that I had made at the time. And it was interesting because this friendship that I had made with a few people during that time, I'm not friends with them anymore. No bad blood at all.

But just like not, we just didn't work out. And we just weren't a good match. Like, it just was not a click, right? Again, no bad blood. Like, literally do not hate these people at all. Like, whatever, totally fine. Like, it didn't turn out badly, right? But it's just interesting to read that

and be like, oh fuck, I'm not friends with those people anymore. And that kind of triggered my brain to think like how often people come and go in your life and how normal and healthy that is. Like my friendship with this group of people lasted for maybe a few months and then just fizzled, right? And like, no one was hurt in the process.

I mean, it might have stung a little bit, but like, it was harmless. It just, and it didn't even mean that they were bad people. It literally just simply was that it just wasn't an energy that I maybe needed in my life at that time. And I think not only on the internet, but also in in private life, I think people have a hard time understanding

the concept that people are not always meant to be in your life forever. And I've talked about that before, but sometimes people just serve a purpose for a few months, and then their purpose is served, and then it's like, you know what, that friendship is unnecessary now. It doesn't make sense.

It's not beneficial for anyone. It's not, it doesn't click anymore. And that's okay. Some people are meant to be in your life forever in some art and I just think that we need to address and realize that that's okay. And there's nothing wrong with that. Because I think people are really quick to be like,

no, no, like when you meet a friend, you need to be loyal for life. It needs to be whatever. Just because a friendship doesn't last forever, doesn't mean that both parties weren't loyal, doesn't mean that both parties aren't great people. It just means that it didn't click anymore. And that's okay.

And if one party wants to hit the road and doesn't really want to be in the friendship anymore, that's okay. And it can suck. This specific situation didn't suck that bad, but it can suck. But like, it's just so normal and okay. I don't know.

I think especially on the internet, people are always like, you know, asking about old friendships and shit like that. It's like, you know what? Friendships sometimes only make sense for a short amount of time and that's okay. Like specifically during that time, I was going through a breakup and I needed more friends to do activities with. And then it got to a point where I was like, you know what, I'm kind of ready to settle

down and I don't really need to be doing these activities anymore. And we don't really have that as much in common as I thought. Eh, maybe this isn't for me. And that's okay. The next snippet of my diary is, tomorrow I can take a day off from work. We'll see if I actually do though because it's been kind of addicting.

I've been getting more shit done than I ever have and I wonder if it's because I'm single. I really hope it isn't, because I've been wanting a fucking hug, LOL. Okay, so that's the next one. You know, I can say, when you're in a relationship that isn't good for you, doesn't even necessarily mean that somebody is toxic.

Well, I think that, well,. Well, I think that is definitely common, but like sometimes relationships can hold you back. And I used to think that, because I'd only been in relationships that had held me back. I'd never been in a relationship that like lifted me up. And so at that time, I was scared to get back into a relationship because I was like, wow, I have this newfound productivity.

I'm all back on my shit. I want to work hard. I feel motivated and shit like that. So I was worried that if I got back into a relationship, that all of that would stop because that's what had happened every time prior. And in retrospect, I now know, no, that is not the case. If you're in a good, healthy relationship, it's going to make you want to work harder. And I've said this before, I'm literally a broken record on this fucking podcast. I have three thoughts that go through my head the whole day.

But like, you know, they're gonna make you want to work harder because you're like, okay, if I get my work done, then I can hang out with them, point blank period. So it's good. But when you're dating somebody who is not right for you and kind of brings you down and they have terrible energy, it sucks the life out of you and then when it's time to work, like you don't have any energy left. Or, you know, in my specific situation,

like, you know, the person I was with would, I was struggling with, I was a little depressed at the time. And I was really struggling with filming YouTube videos, editing YouTube videos, because it was so time consuming, and mentally challenging, and so it was hard for me to be consistent on YouTube at the time. And the person that I was in the relationship with at the time was not supportive of that, was kind of like your lazy piece of shit vibes.

So that made me feel so bad about myself that I like, then it was like I couldn't, it made me so uninspired. And you know, that person wasn't like that throughout my relationship. It was just, I know at a certain point they were. And that's kind of when I realized that like that's not good. You know what I mean? But also, that's a whole nother thing. But like, if somebody's not uplifting you

in all areas of your life, including work, then they're not a good person to be with and they'll hold you back. But if they're supportive and they're like, you know what, you deserve a mental health break. It's okay that you can't upload every week, like whatever, like, you know, just being supportive and kind,

because it really has nothing to do with them anyway. That actually ends up being more beneficial. You know what I mean? Holding somebody accountable and being like, you know, whatever is important, but like at the same time, if it's not an issue and someone's struggling with their mental health and you're like, you're not working hard enough, you're lazy piece of shit.

Not that this person said that verbatim, but making you, yeah, like that's not gonna make you wanna fucking work hard. You know what I mean? I've even had friends that like didn't uplift me when I was struggling with managing my mental health and work, you know what I mean? And like that took a huge toll on me too. It's like you have to have the right people around you so that when you struggle, they

can lift you back up and you don't become unproductive and like depressed, you know what I mean? I was being more productive because I was single because I was away from that person. You know what I mean? That's why fucking makes sense. But then if you get into a healthy relationship that makes you feel good, that's not necessarily going to stop you. I think it wasn't me being in a relationship or not. It was me being around that person. And that's something I realized. You know what I mean? Every relationship is so different in the way that it affects you so different.

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of a website or a domain. Next, I said, I'm manifesting so much shit right now, especially for Coachella, let's pray it works, ha ha. You know, it's interesting, because I remember what I was manifesting during this time. I was manifesting, this is so embarrassing. I was manifesting that I would meet a cute boy

at Coachella, okay? And I didn't. And in retrospect, Okay? And I didn't. And like in retrospect, I'm so glad that I didn't. And that just kind of made me realize, like, sometimes you manifest, like I was not ready to get into a relationship when I was going to Coachella. I or like me to guy and like catch feelings or something. And that happens to me sometimes.

And I was like manifesting that I'd find the love of my life at Coachella. Listen, I couldn't tell you what was going through my damn mind at that time. But like in retrospect, I was not ready to be even talking to boys at that time. I was in a very bad head space. I was very insecure.

I was very weak and vulnerable. And like, I'm glad that I didn't meet a guy that weekend. And that just showed me that like, you know, you manifest shit that's bad for you. Like that, me manifesting that was bad for me. Like I was at a very vulnerable point where like, what guys thought of me, like completely controlled my entire self-esteem.

And I think the fact that like I didn't meet a guy and that no guy gave me attention that weekend at all was definitely a good thing because I like needed that. I like spent hours on my outfits just so that I could try to find a guy and like look good for a guy Which I'm not saying I always dress for guys because I genuinely don't I usually dress for me but at that time

Very vulnerable very weak. I was like I'm gonna dress like this because I like I'm trying to find the love of my life So I'm trying to like attract that in everything that I do I'm gonna do my makeup really well so that you know what I mean like such that's a sad spot to be in, that's very, very sad. I read this and I weep, okay? I don't feel good when I read the shit, right? That just shows me that the universe has a plan. I was manifesting meeting a guy that weekend and I didn't and I'm very glad that I didn't

because I was not in any place to be talking to anybody who has a penis. And that is true. You wanna know why else? I think I didn't attract any guys, because my energy was terrible. I was so concerned about what guys thought of me and I wanted guy attention so bad,

that like, that's a terrible, I feel like people can subconsciously feel that energy it's not appealing it like I wasn't doing anything to like you know it was just my energy like I bet people like people are attracted to that energy people weirdly know they read you they read your body language everything is so like weirdly like people you can read someone. You know what I mean? You can tell without even knowing how you can tell. And like I feel like that's why it didn't work because I was fucking desperate and sad

and insecure and needed male validation more than anything. And it makes me sad to read that I was at that place at one time. Like half of these entries I can't read because they're literally just me like being like, like more than anything. And it makes me sad to read that I was at that place at one time. Like, half of these entries I can't read because they're literally just me like being like, I just like want a guy to love me so bad, like blah, blah, blah. And like, eventually, you know, I let go of that and it turned full 180 and I was like, never mind.

I don't, I don't give a fuck. Like, I prefer to be left alone now. But like, I wasn't always at that place and it's embarrassing to talk about this, but it shows me things and it's interesting to read about the growth. You know? Okay, next one, sorry, this is like apparently like very a lot of relationship, which we talk about too much anyway, but whatever.

My next thing that I read, this is a little snippet, I said, I'm really worried about getting heartbroken again, honestly. Okay, so I did, I did get heartbroken again. Like, because I was getting into another situation, right? And I did, I got heartbroken again. Because I was getting into another situation, right? And I did, I got heartbroken again. And I'm so glad that I did. And I'm glad. So, okay, here's, here, let's break this down.

I said, I'm so afraid of being heartbroken again. Yes, everybody's afraid of being heartbroken. Do I regret being heartbroken by this person? No. Like now that I'm healed from it, it's like one of those things where it's crazy. I would not be who I am without that heartbreak. And the universe has its plan, right? I, in that moment, was so afraid of exactly what ended up happening to me. And now I'm like, okay, wait, like that was exactly what was meant to happen. So that kind of shows me now with my terrible anxiety.

Emma, do you or Grekk getting heartbroken? No. Should you have been afraid of it? No. Because it was exactly what was supposed to happen. And it taught you exactly the lesson that you needed to learn. That shows me now that there's so many things I fear. Right?

And on a day-to-day basis, I'm afraid of this failing. I'm afraid of like, this not going well. I'm afraid of this happening, you know, blah, blah, blah. I'm afraid of this person leaving me. I'm like, whatever. I'm always so afraid of things. Const blah, I'm afraid of this person leaving me. I'm like, whatever. I'm always so afraid of things. Constantly, I have terrible anxiety, especially recently, very bad,

very, very bad, on and off, but pretty bad. But why? Because, you know, at the time, that was something that I was so terrified of, being heartbroken again by this person. And I did, and it taught me so many amazing things. I don't regret it, and I'm glad that it happened. So look, something that I feared

is now something that I'm glad that it happened. There's some food for thought. Okay, next one. I met my first LA snake. Who was I? Oh my God, using the word snake, terrifying. Cause me to have anxiety the whole day. This person's energy was so contagious and evil

that I literally was shaking the whole day. Okay, so I met somebody for the first time. Like, you know, you meet a lot of people in passing in LA. You meet a lot of people all day long in LA. There's a lot of people around. And I, apparently this day, had met in LA Snake. And, you know, the reason why it was a terrible experience was because they were just gossiping to me in a way

that was harmful to me because they were talking to me about somebody that I really loved. And I didn't know that this person was a snake until this like, I, it was just sad. And the way that they were just very toxic, a very toxic person. And I could tell by the way that they're talking about other people and kind of like asking me personal questions and shit and it just made me so scared. Like I genuinely was scared. And you know what I ended up learning from that is that you can't be around people like that in any capacity.

can't be around people like that in any capacity. Like, it just reminded me today, like how, you know, the people that you're around are really like a reflection of who you are in a way. Like when you're spending time with people who are bad people, it's contagious. Whether that means that they make you anxious or that they turn you into somebody who you aren't, you know what I mean? The people that you spend time with are contagious.

And I knew immediately upon meeting this person that like if I started spending time with them, I could become like them. And it was so scary to me that it made me anxious and I just was like, this is so terrible. And you know, w up there it is. So I don't know, I thought that was interesting. All right, moving on. Okay, here's another one. I said, I felt extremely confident about what all this means, but the voices of other people's

concerns have me worried. It's hard to know if I should be trusting my intuition right now or if I should be listening to my friends and rather be safe than sorry. My intuition says to go at the flow, so that's what I'm going to do. Okay. This is kind of a battle for myself between listening to people in my life telling me that there are infinite red flags with a situation versus me being like yes there are red flags but I will defy

all odds. Listen, all of my friends and family were right. Okay, about this specific situation. But I was like a little baby and I touched the stove, even though my mommy told me that it was hot. And I got a pretty bad burn on my finger, but the burn healed. And now I know to never touch the stove again. Sometimes not listening to people's advice and listening to yourself instead, is really important even if it hurts you. Because, like the metaphor I just used, I'm never gonna touch a stove again.

Okay? I'm never gonna make a mistake like I did like that again. Whereas if I hadn't made the mistake and I would have listened to everybody, I would have never known for sure. One of the little babies looking at a stove and their mommy is telling them that it's hot. They don't know what hot means or what a burn feels like until they touch the fucking

stove. And so until they touch the stove, they're not going to know. It's important to touch the fucking stove sometimes. And mess up almost on purpose. You know what I mean? Okay, I wrote this almost exactly a year ago and we're going to end off on this one. I was going through a very tough time mentally going through like a lot of different like losses in my life when it came to people that I thought were very close to me

And I wrote things that I want to happen for me my dad told me to write this list It's kind of depressing. I'm sorry number one. I want to be happy but completely by myself. I Want to be able to go a week completely by myself. I Have accomplished that Go me. Number two, I want to get more hobbies. Okay, so that one didn't happen. Still lacking in the hobbies department. Well, I mean, I have a few more hobbies, but like definitely like could do more, like definitely would love to have a few more. Still working on that one. I want to join different types of communities

so I can meet more people through my hobbies. Okay, so that also has not really happened. But that's fine because I've kind of actually done a full 180 and now I don't really like being social at all anymore. Unfortunately. Next one, I want to enjoy being single. That has happened. That I have figured out.

Or I figured out, yeah, I figured that out on the time being. So that was, that's good. Good job Emma. There's another one checked off. Next one, I want more friends that genuinely care about my well-being. Interestingly enough, I think I made my circle smaller. So instead of finding more friends, I just found the real ones. You know what I mean?

So that's still check. Last one, I want to be genuinely proud of everything I do. Okay, so that also hasn't happened. But look at the growth that I've had in a year. I've solved quite a few of those problems. And it's so cool to look back and see my growth. I really, really encourage you guys to go through and write down these things right now and look back at it later. It's so interesting. I had so much fun reading this truly. And I feel like I learned a

lot. And I hope that that was like maybe a little bit of food for thought for you guys. And on that note, let's do some Q&A, all right. To be honest, I feel like my brain, I've been, let's have a little real moment here. I, for the last two weeks, I've had so much going on. And like a lot of busy kind of days in a way, like I've had a lot of shoots.

I had like, something like five or six shoots over the past two weeks. So that was crazy. And, you know, I had a lot of videos that I wanted to film and some of them that I had to film because if they have a brand deal in it, there's stricter guidelines about when things are due and stuff. And it's just been really busy.

And to be honest, my mind is kind of empty. And I think when I go into a mode where I'm just working on shit on non-stop, also the Chamberlain Coffee relaunch, thank you guys for all the support on that. Literally can't stop crying about it. It's been mind-boggling, but anyway. Like, yeah, all of that shit, right? Like, I just have had a lot of shit going on

and so my mind's kind of empty, to be honest. And I feel guilty about it because I'm like, where's my personality? But it's somewhere in there and it'll come back out once I go on a vacation or something. I swear to God, I need to go on a vacation so bad. I just want to go to New York. I don't want to move to New York, but I do want to live in New York.

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How do you manage morning anxiety because I always wake up with a pit in my stomach and I just want to wake up peacefully, any tips? Yes, get a good night's sleep. Start going to bed earlier. I found that going to bed earlier and waking up earlier has helped me with that so much. My ass is like going to bed at 10.30 p.m. these days. I used to go to at three and then wake up at 11 feeling like shit, anxious, scared, like just off. If there's something about waking up early, that's so much more peaceful because you

feel like you're awake before the day has started and you, the world is just so much more quiet. And the light outside is more dim and it's just so much more confident, comforting, comforting. And yeah, I would say try that. And honestly, like, if you're struggling with falling asleep, something that I do, this is not healthy, so do not maybe do this, but like if you tire yourself out really bad, like pull in all night or do something one day and then go to bed early the next night, then you wake up earlier the next day, then you kind of fix your sleep schedule. Sometimes you have to do a crazy reset like that, but that's what I do, and that helps. Another thing is you can take melatonin, obviously check with your doctor.

It is something that you can buy from basically any like CVS or Walgreens or Target or whatever, but I also don't know, like I'm not a fucking doctor, but melatonin helps me go to sleep if I'm struggling. But I haven't, don't become dependent on I'm not a fucking doctor, but Melatonin helps me go to sleep if I'm struggling, but I haven't, don't become dependent on it though, because you can get nightmares, and also again, talk to your doctor, because I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, but I do use that to help me fall asleep. Favorite singer right now, you know, the neighborhood just released their new album,

I'm loving that, I'm loving that big time. Go check out the neighborhood's new album, not sponsored. I'm kidding, but very good album. So, somebody said, I dance for six to seven hours a day and I have no energy by the time I get home to do anything else. How do you recommend finding balance so that I can do other things that I enjoy? Well, that sounds like a very demanding schedule, but I also know what you mean, because I've been kind of feeling like that for the past two weeks because it's like, you know, doing these long shoot days really drain me. Whether it's like a photo shoot or like a video shoot for something, those things really drain me. And by the time I'm done, I can't do anything. I can't work out. I can't cook. Like I can't hang out with my friends. Even sometimes I'm just too tired. And that's a bummer.

But I think I can't hang out with my friends, even sometimes I'm just too tired. And that's a bummer. But I think what you could do is make sure you're really using the time after dance practice to like really relax. So like I'm talking about get home and go to bed early, right? Get as much sleep as possible. And then on your days off, you're gonna feel a lot more rested and you can really put all of your time and effort

when it comes to being social or finding hobbies into those days, right? It's about making your days off count, I think, because when you have a rigorous schedule that you have to stick to, there's nothing you can do. Like, those things are exhausting. But it's about like making your days off count, hanging out with people. Like trying a new hobby, do that on your days off.

And then on the days that you have dance, completely relax after practice. Like just whatever, or do things that are very easy, right? And then really save the big stuff for your days off. The reason why I say this is that if you try to pile too many things in a day, if you try to do dance, and then go out to dinner with your friends after you're exhausting yourself over and over again,

you can't do that. You have to save that for days when it's not as exhausting. I don't know if that makes sense or is good advice, but that's what I do. I just like make really fun plans on days when I have days off, and then when I'm working a lot, I just like sleep every time I'm not working, right? Somebody said, do you prefer lime or lemon? This is an interesting question because my interesting, I just can buy and do words. This is interesting because I like lime and sparkling water,

but lemon in regular water. So think about that. What do you do when you start overthinking a past conversation, love you so much? I saw a girl on TikTok today talk about this. I'm actually going to find her exact username because this was amazing advice. Hold on.

Her username on TikTok is peach PRC. I don't know exactly what her real name is. I think her name is Peach. Okay, she's great, by the way. She said, try to think about something awkward or cringy that someone has said to you. Can you even remember one? I can't. I literally sat there and tried to remember something cringy that somebody said to me. And I was like, I don't even know where to begin with that. Like, I know so many different people. Like, how, like, I don't remember half the things that somebody said to me and I was like, I don't even know where to begin with that. Like I know so many different people.

Like how, like I don't remember half the things that people say to me. And that really put things into perspective. Like no, people don't really remember that stuff. You do because it's you, but nobody else really cares. Everybody's so focused on themselves. And so whenever you're getting anxious about that,

think about what Peach said, and it'll make you feel better. Favorite bagel, everything bagel. Sorry, I hate answering questions that are boring to other people because I doubt any of you care about what my favorite bagel is, but I did want to answer that and share my favorite bagel and everything bagel. Speaking of that, you know what's so interesting about the internet? Like, I remember when the like 50 questions about me tag

was a thing. It's crazy to me that people can be interested in like the small minute details of someone's life that they don't know. And I'm guilty of this, not like it even needs to be something to be guilty of, but like, I don't know what it is about like, I could literally click on a random 50 facts about me tag.

Somebody that I know nothing about and have no personal connection to, and weirdly enough, I think I would watch it, there's a potential I could find it interesting. Even if they're answering what their favorite color is, like there's something interesting about that, and I don't understand it, because like why, what is, what is that information

do for you? Nothing. I don't know why the human brain can find entertainment out of things that don't benefit them. Like that's still something that like dumb founds me. Because I always, you know, I make YouTube videos and like, or even make these podcasts. And I'm like, why do people care about what I have to say? Or like what I'm doing? It's, but I also understand it because I'm the same way. Anyway, I'm laying down on the ground.

Because I'm having the craziest period of my life. I'm having like these crazy cramps that just like literally make me curl up in a ball. And I haven't had cramps like that in a long time, so it's very upsetting. Next question, favorite vegetable, cauliflower. Let me explain. I am obsessed with cauliflower, okay, and let me explain why.

I don't know what it is about it, but you can turn cauliflower into anything. Have you guys noticed this buffalo cauliflower when people make buffalo wings, but make it with a piece of cauliflower? So delicious. Number two, cauliflower rice. It tastes like rice. Not really, but it like has the same vibe. You can just do whatever you fucking want with cauliflower and it tastes good. Most vegetables, if you like tried to cover it in a sauce or something or turn it into rice, it would taste like shit. Cauliflower pizza crust, delicious. Cauliflower is easily the most amazing vegetable. You can turn it into anything you want. It's a fucking shape shifter. It's amazing to see.

I'm so proud of it. Somebody said, do you do streaks? I'm assuming that you mean on Snapchat. I don't use Snapchat. I haven't used Snapchat in like years. Not years, probably like a year. I go on it occasionally to see if anybody has messaged me like any of my friends or anything or sent me anything,

but like maybe once every three weeks, like I'm never on Snapchat. And the reason why is because there's too much pressure. I hate how you can see when somebody opens your Snapchat. I hate how Snap Maps exists, and you can see where everyone is. I hate that. I hate how everything disappears.

It's just suspicious to me. I like Snapchat stories, I think that that's fun, but besides that, I'm not really about it. In Snapchat shows can be fun to watch, but the actual snapping people back and forth, it also gives you a streak with somebody and then you lose it, it's this big drama. I just think it is a negative.

The people are really negative with that app and I hate the drama of it all. I got left on open on Snapchat. Oh, they haven't responded for an hour. Oh, we're gonna lose our streak. Like, I just think all that shit is so negative. I don't know, maybe I'm just like a fucking old woman. But somebody said in all honesty,

what are your thoughts on Halloween? I love Halloween, but I'm very on the edge of my seat as to how it's gonna go this year. Because obviously nobody can trick or treat. Parties, Halloween parties can't happen. I barely have the motivation to dress up in the first place. So I have a feeling Halloween might just live under the rug this year. For me, I like Halloween, I like dressing up. I have this bad habit of putting zero effort into a costume until the last 48 hours before

I need one. And then my costume looking like shit. I wish I was creative when it comes to costumes, but I'm not, I enjoy it. But see, the thing is now I don't really like going to parties anymore. Like, I just hate it. I mean, I guess it's fun. You know what, there's a time in a place for a party.

Obviously right now is not that time. But I hate parties generally, especially in LA. But I guess it could be fun next year to do a little Halloween party outing, who knows. Somebody said, thoughts on seasonal depression. Oh, God, I'm worried. I'm worried. Because it's about to come up.

It's about to come up because it's about to come up because it's about to be winter. We're in fall, although luckily in LA, I feel like the seasons are like non-existent, which honestly weirdly kind of affects me more. Anyway, I got very depressed last winter for a decent chunk of that time. And not, okay, not, it wasn't actually, I was very like, it was pretty manageable now in retrospect. But I definitely was going through, it was tough for me. But I decided that this year I'm really gonna try to like,

make winter fun and enjoy the parts of winter that I normally forget about. Like, I'm gonna go do some snow trips. You know what I mean? And go sledding because I can't do any snow sports. I cannot ski or do snowboarding for my life. I can't do that shit. It just upsets me.

I hate it. I think we should all try this year to do more cold weather activities and make it fun. Cause I feel like that might help. I feel like the thing is, during the winter I tend to just do nothing. Like there's no going to the beach, there's no tanning outside, there's no hanging outside for long periods of time

with no clothes on when it feels good. Okay, that sounded weird, but you know what I mean? It's like, you can't like go, sit outside at a coffee shop when it's like, you know, 40 degrees. Like, it's not comfortable. So you're just inside all the time. I feel like doing like outdoor activities and like bundling up and having fun with it. Like, I feel like we should all try that this year and see if that helps.

But God knows. God knows that that shit can be inevitable. And just, you know, I think we just need to remember that it'll pass. Somebody said, have you ever thought about doing stand-up or other forms of comedy? I don't think that I'm funny. So no, neither. Like I literally think I'm the least funny person

on this planet. Like actually that's not true. I laugh at my own jokes all the time. I still don't I'm funny though, but I I really do laugh at my own jokes constantly. It's so fucking embarrassing. I Literally okay, so maybe I think I'm funny, but like only to me. That's what it is I think I'm funny, but I don't think that anyone else thinks I'm funny. I just assume that only I think I'm funny But so absolutely not. Also, me in front of a crowd never goes well. I do not do well in front of crowds at all.

I'm good like in front of a class. I used to be great at presentations at school. Amazing. But like too many people, I'm not good. I get really nervous. I stumble on my words. I look like I'm reading from a teleprompter. It's not good. I actually, I think I'd be fine'm reading from a teleprompter, it's not good.

I actually think I'd be fine in front of a crowd if like I was doing something like this, like just stream of crunchiness, just talking for fun, having a conversation with the crowd. Like that would be easy for me, but like when it comes to like a pre-plan, like stand up gig, like fuck no, that sounds awful. Somebody said why do we exist? What's our purpose to just ruin the world? Well, I

really don't know why we exist because when I'm in a really depressive state, I think about this a lot. And I'm just like, what is the point of life when life is just like a constant back and forth between joy and struggle and like, you know, rarely in in between. I can't remember a time in my life where I've ever been in between where I'm like neutral. I'm always either a little bit struggling or suffering or I'm happy and there's no in between. And what's the point of life when there's no... When there's never going to be this like sense of nirvana where you just like hit happiness

and you never feel pain again. Like what's the point of life? It's just a constantly awaiting the next feeling of pain. But I think that that's what makes life so interesting and dynamic and you know, that's what makes you appreciate the moments of happiness or the shitty moments. And so you know, why we exist on a grand scheme of things? You know, there may be no purpose.

If you think about mankind in the grand scheme of the universe, we're pretty tiny. And the fact that we have completely functioning brains is like something that's hurting my own brain right now. Like the fact that we all have like thoughts and like our own unique individual feelings and our own lives. We all have our own unique perspective, all just to die one day. And there's so many people

that have so many different outlooks on things. It's mind-boggling. And also the fact that we work so hard in this life, just to die, I mean, the whole thing is just, if you think about it for too long, you'll lose your mind. I don't let myself go down that rabbit hole. I literally just think like, you know what? I'm gonna enjoy the small joys in this life

and take it day by day. Fuck it. But it is crazy to think that we're all doing this and for what? It also puts things into perspective when it comes to like the mundane things of day to day life, like working, cooking, cleaning, shit like that. That's like not very enjoyable.

It's like, yeah, okay, so all that shit sucks, right? But that's the struggle in life. But then there's the little joys in life in between that. Maybe a nice text from your significant other. Maybe somebody waving to you on the street, simple things like that. Those are like what life is about, you know? Seuceding at something that you didn't think you'd succeed at.

Like those are the things that keep people ticking. And the other stuff is just there to survive. I don't know, I just think we appreciate those little things more, let's do that. Somebody said, I'm a senior and for a few years now, I wanted to study medicine and I was really excited. But now they call just next year, I'm having some anxiety. I feel like, if I do end up studying medicine, I won't be able to enjoy many things and I would love to travel and live abroad. I think you weigh this out, right? Let's weigh this out. There's

a lot of pressure in life to be successful, to make a lot of money to whatever. But at the end of the day, just like the last thing we talked about, you have to live for those small joys in life. And the experience of traveling abroad, studying abroad, that's's gonna give you so many memories. You know what I mean? And like studying medicine, if that was your passion, right? And you loved that. And that is like your number one passion in life,

over traveling, you know, some people aren't passionate about traveling. That's normal. I like traveling, but I'm not super passionate about it. Like, I have the time would rather be home. Right now, I would love to get the fuck out of LA, but most of the time, I'm pretty content with like being in LA, like just being at home, even though I hate LA,

but like, I don't hate it, but I hate it sometimes. I think you weigh it out. Like, those are memories that will last you forever. And like, maybe you study abroad and then you study medicine down the line. Like those are memories that will last you forever and like Maybe you study abroad and then you study medicine down the line, you know what I mean Find a way that you could do both but like you know if Way out what you're more excited about and do that because you could still get a great degree and Still be beyond successful without that doctor's decree,

doctor it, whatever the fuck that even, listen, I didn't go to college all, so don't hold me accountable for that, I don't know. And on that note, I will be ending this episode. But I hope you guys enjoyed a little reading of my diary. I hope you are having an amazing week and I can't wait to hang out with you guys enjoyed a little reading of my diary. I hope you all are having an amazing week, and I can't wait to hang out with you guys again.

Next week, bye y'all.