anything goes with emma chamberlain - rock bottom

Episode Date: August 12, 2021

You may have noticed, Emma took a break from YouTube. For a while she was feeling uninspired and lacking creativity, and in this episode gets very introspective as to why she was feeling that way, and how it was casting some really dark clouds over her. Discussions on ways to become inspired again, finding your self-worth, and why hitting rock bottom isn’t the end. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey guys, today I'm going to be talking about a realization that I had over the past week or so. And I think the only appropriate way to start this is by telling a story because I need to set the scene here. So for some context, I've been making YouTube videos since I was 16 and I'm 20 now and that's about four years. And I started YouTube because I needed a hobby. I needed like a creative outlet.

I needed something to put my energy towards because I was struggling with one of the most severe cases of depression that I've dealt with in my life. One of the worst episodes I've ever had and I needed something to excite me, to get me out of bed in the morning, to distract me from my mental pain. And so I started my YouTube channel. And that gave me something to work on. That gave me something to do. That gave me something to fixate on and obsess over that was healthy and productive and positive.

And that's not to say that I didn't face many depressive episodes after starting a YouTube channel because let me tell you, I did and I still continue to, but it was a great first step. And my passion with YouTube fell heavily upon editing, editing the videos. I enjoyed filming the videos for sure, but where I really felt creative and where I really felt inspired was in the editing. And I got really into editing. And I started editing videos more and more complicated. I started to make the edits of these videos more and more complicated.

And it got to a point where I couldn't do it anymore because I started to do other things as well. I started a podcast, you know, I was working on other projects, and I also wanted to have a social life because I had just moved to LA and I was like, okay, I need to meet friends and be social and be a teen and enjoy my time here in LA and I felt like I couldn't do it all at once. And so I quit editing and I handed that off to a very talented editor, whom is now a friend

and whom I appreciate more than words can explain. But I handed off editing to him and ever since then he's been editing my videos. And so basically, you know, the only part of YouTube that I've been doing for the past almost two years now is just filming, right? Just filming my own videos. And the whole process definitely got easier. It's like I'm not having to do the dirty work anymore.

The dirty work was editing, but I found somebody who was talented and who could edit better than I could even. So it seemed so natural to just hand the job off to him. And creating YouTube videos became easier, because it was easier for me to be consistent. I could film a video whenever I wanted and then just send it off to him and the rest of the work was his

and I could move on to the next one. And that was something that I craved so badly because it felt like before I was on this constant grind of filming and then immediately editing. And filming and then editing and then filming and then editing. And it was like I never got a break. If I wanted to be consistent on YouTube, you know, I had to be constantly working on it 24 seven.

And I just couldn't do it anymore. So I handed the work off to an editor and I felt great about it. And for the past two years, that structure has been incredible. But within the past six months, something happened to me. And it was kind of subconscious. And I didn't even notice that it was happening and it might sound completely dark and fucked up but over the past six months I've developed this extreme level of self-hatred and

That showed itself in really obvious ways for example example, you know, any time I would lay in bed, relax, try to relax, I would feel guilt the whole time. I'd be angry at myself the whole time for laying in bed, which is also backwards because, you know, I know that laying in bed is necessary and I know that sometimes you need to lay in bed for a few days and I'll give advice on this podcast saying if you need to lay in bed, lay in bed, don't beat yourself up over it yet I would not let myself rest.

Like if I was resting, I would feel guilty. And I think a big part of that was because I was like, I mean your job is so fucking easy. You film a video and you send it off to an editor, you don't even have to do anything. Why are you in bed all day? You don't deserve to lay in bed. You don't work hard enough. Myself, hatred was showing itself in other ways though too,

you know, like when I would have social interactions with people, I constantly felt like, when I would have social interactions with people, I constantly felt like I was being cringy or embarrassing and I was constantly reflecting on different social interactions that I would have and I would nitpick them and just mentally destroy myself saying mean things to myself about how I behave in social situations. Even if I was acting completely normal, I would pick myself apart and get angry at myself for not being funnier or not being more outgoing or being too outgoing. I always had something negative to say about myself. But the thing that was weird about all of this was that it was all subconscious.

It was like this silent war going on in my mind where I was constantly beating myself up, constantly being hard on myself, whether it was not working hard enough or being lazy or not having enough hobbies or not being talented at anything or not being proud of how I am in social situations. Like, I was constantly beating myself up,

but the thing is, is that it was all subconscious. It was all in the back of my head, and nobody really knew about it. And to be honest, I wasn't even fully aware of it. Like, it was happening in the background. It was like white noise in my head. I would have moments where I was aware of it. I was like, this needs to stop.

Why am I so fucking mean to myself? But I kind of never really let it come to the forefront of my brain, because I was constantly distracting myself with talking to people on the phone and, even reading books or watching documentaries or watching YouTube or hanging out with people, like whatever it was, I was constantly distracting myself. So I never really let this come to the forefront of my head, and I never really let myself fully acknowledge

that I had a problem, and I was dealing with an extreme case of self-loathing. But here's when shit hit the fan. You see, like, it got to a point where this self-loathing was so bad that I couldn't create things. Like, I had so much self-hatred and self-doubt, and it was building up. So, when I would go to film a YouTube video, or I'd go to record a podcast, I didn't believe in myself, and I also didn't believe that anybody wanted to hear anything

that I had to say. And I didn't believe that anybody wanted to watch anything that I created. Like I would convince myself of that while I was trying to create things and at a certain point I hit rock bottom. I was like, I can't film, because every time I try to turn on the camera, I feel like everything I said was cringey. I feel like everything I said was embarrassing.

I feel like everything that I'm doing is cringey and embarrassing. I feel like everything that I'm saying, everything about me, I feel is just dumb and stupid. And one half of me knew that that wasn't true. But the other half of me had convinced myself that I was a piece of shit, basically. And it got to a point where I was kind of paralyzed. I could barely get out of bed. I couldn't work on anything because every time I'd work on anything, I would just stop myself.

I wouldn't be able to do it. And so I decided I was like, I just need to take a break. So I decided I would take a break on YouTube. Now taking a break on YouTube is terrifying because the way that YouTube works is that it's like a marathon. You need to be consistent or else you will be forgotten. You know what I'm saying? You can't overdo it, right? You can't do too much. You can't upload too many videos or else you're annoying. But you also can't neglect uploading

because if you do, then you'll be forgotten. It's the same thing as a marathon. If you run too fast, you'll burn yourself out. If you run too slow, you'll finish last. You have to find the happy medium, you know? But that's why taking a break on YouTube is scary because it feels like if you take a break, you'll be forgotten. And sometimes that's true. But it got to a point where I was like,

I have to take a break. I have to stop filming. I have to take the pressure off of myself. I have to let myself relax and let myself lay in bed with no guilt for at least a week. Or else this is just going to turn into something 50 times worse. And what it's going to turn into, I don't know, but I need to reflect right now. I need to reflect. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. There's no instruction manual when it comes to being an adult. Sometimes I lay away at night rehashing something I said earlier that day, or I lay in bed at night thinking about what the future holds. I know I'm not the only one going through a lot of what ifs.

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the only time that relaxing and recharging truly works is when you don't feel guilty about it, is when you accept it and you enjoy it and you lean into it and you don't beat yourself up for it. I was so angry at myself constantly because I felt like I was laying in bed way too much and not getting shit done as quickly as I wanted to. But what I realized was, is the reason why I wasn't getting as much done as I wanted to, and the reason why I was laying in bed so much was because every time I was in bed, every

time I was relaxing and trying to recharge, I was using that time to beat myself up and scream at myself internally for not doing enough. So instead of my bedtime and my relaxation time being relaxation time, I was just making myself more tired because I was not letting myself truly recharge. And that was the first thing I realized upon spending a week in bed. And that was huge for me. I was like, oh, okay, so in order for you to recharge properly, you can't be mad at yourself for doing so. You have to let yourself do it. And the truth of the matter is, if you lay down or you relax for a period of time, and you let yourself relax fully, 100% without any guilt or any shame.

You recharge way quicker than you can even imagine, and you start getting excited about doing things again. Whereas if you lay in bed for hours, just being shameful about the fact that you're doing so, that doesn't inspire you to get up and go do shit. That just makes you feel more like shit. And then you feel you're like guilt tripping yourself into doing things and being productive. And that's not genuine. So that whole realization was huge. And that was the first thing that came to me. But then the next realization I had had to do with my feeling of self-hatred. I was like, okay, where is this coming from? Where is this coming from? Because it's been in the back of my head, and it's been subconscious for multiple months. But where did this start, you know?

Let's get to the root of this. I hadn't had a chance to try to figure it out because I hadn't let myself lay in bed and just think for as long as I wanted for months, you know? just think for as long as I wanted for months, you know? And I realized that the reason why I hate myself is because I don't have a passion. And I had been trying to find a passion over the past few months.

I started getting into reading, I started playing drums, I bought a sewing machine. And I tried to, you know, do all of those things and become passionate about it. And the truth is, I enjoy doing all of those things. I enjoy playing drums. I love it. I enjoy reading books. I love it.

I love those things. But I wouldn't say that I love it. I love those things, but I wouldn't say that I'm necessarily super passionate about them, because I would say that a passion is something that makes you wanna get up in the morning, like gets you up in the morning, you know, gives you a feeling of purpose. I didn't get that from playing drums,

and I didn't get that from reading books, and I didn't get that from, books and I didn't get that from you know, having a sewing machine collecting dust in my other room because I'm too lazy to use it. Like, those things are fun little hobbies to add to my life when I feel like it but they didn't give me a purpose. And then I have this kind of epiphany and it kind of came to me almost like in images in my mind. So I'll try to paint the picture to you that my brain painted to me. Think of your body.

Imagine your body. And imagine that it has energy inside of it, like a ball of energy inside of it. And that ball of energy never goes away. It either latches onto outside things or it remains inside of you. When you have a passion for something, the energy inside of you, that ball of energy leaves your body and it attaches to your passion.

So let's say your passion is something creative like art, or writing, or crocheting, or sewing, or something like that. It attaches to that. The energy inside of you attaches to that, and it seeps through the cracks of that passion and becomes part of you, almost. But let's say you don't have a passion for something. You don't have anything to put your energy towards.

Your energy just stays pent up inside. And sometimes that might be okay, and sometimes that might be a great thing. But if your energy stays inside of you for too long, and it doesn't have anything to attach to, it doesn't have anything to dissect to obsess over to be excited about, your energy inside of you starts to attack yourself and you start fixating on yourself. And I think for a certain amount of time that can be a good thing because that can cause you to self-reflect and to grow, which is great. But after you self-reflect into grow, which is great. But after you self-reflecting grow, your energy is still inside of you, and it's still rumbling around. And because you've already done the self-reflection that you need to do,

now your energy inside you has nothing to do, right? So it starts attacking inward. And it starts seeping into the crevices that it shouldn't be seeping into. And it starts creating self-doubt and it starts causing you to over-analyze yourself and become fixated on yourself to a point that's unhealthy. And that's exactly what happened to me. In the beginning of COVID, I had a lot of time to reflect. And I had not reflected in years before COVID hit. And so having this time to reflect was so powerful.

And I didn't really have anything else to do. And it was great. And I had so many realizations and I grew so much, right? But you can only do so much self-reflection before you've reached your peak. You're like, I actually feel good about where I'm at. You know, I feel good about where I'm at.

I feel happy and I feel like I've reflected properly on the things I need to reflect on and I'm in a good spot. And that's great and I got to that point. And I sat comfortably there for a few months but where things started to go downhill was that I didn't have anything to do and I also didn't have any distractions. So my energy inside of myself was like pent up and it didn't have anywhere to go. Because I have an editor for my YouTube videos, all

I have to do is just film the videos. When it comes to recording podcasts, that's so easy. It's like talking on the phone. It feels like, you know, nothing. It feels like nothing, you know. It's like, it's just like, relaxing almost. As long as I have something I want to talk about, but anyway. And I didn't have any hobbies, really. And I didn't have a lot of distractions because we were kind of in the midst of COVID.

So it was like, okay, I don't have events that I'm going to. I don't have a lot of work that I have to do. You know, I don't really have that many friends. Like, I don't really have that many people to talk to. I don't really have anything to do. And so I had all this pent up energy. And what started happening was was it started attacking me

and I started to overanalyze myself and I started to nitpick at myself because I didn't have anything better to do. My energy was attacking myself but it happened kind of slowly and over time of slowly and over time. So I didn't really realize that it was happening until recently, when it got so bad that I had to put my hands up and say, okay, I'm going to stop doing YouTube for a little bit. I'm going to take a break and I'm just going to lay in bed for a week and figure this shit out. And that was the realization that I had. And so I was in bed, right, reflecting after having this realization. And I was like, the main problem here

is that I don't have a passion. I don't have a driving force for getting up in the morning. And I started thinking about it more and I was like, okay, well, where could this possibly lie? Where could this passion lie? Is it in something that's creative? Is it in a topic of some sort, like some sort of, you know, deeper topic that I want to

explore? Where could my passion lie? And does it already exist, but I'm just not leaning into it as much as I should. And I really thought about it. And I was like, you know, I think my passion is editing YouTube videos. I think that that's what my passion is editing YouTube videos. I think that that's what my passion is. And I think that that's why I felt like shit about myself is because that part of my life has been removed. I've handed that off to someone else. And that was my only creative outlet pretty much.

And I needed to hand it off at the time. It made sense to hand it off at the time. I was burnt out beyond belief. But now, you know, I have more free time. And I have a different idea about how editing would look for me if I were to reintegrate it back into my life now. And I realized that that could be it. And so I decided to start editing a video.

I had a video that I had filmed that never got edited. And I was like, okay, I'm going gonna try to edit this and just see what happens. And so I spent a whole day in bed editing this video. And in my head, I was like, this is never gonna reach the internet. I'm just kind of testing the waters to see how I feel about editing and to see if this is kind of the missing piece and so I Spent 12 hours in bed editing. I edited from approximately

7 a.m. to 7 p.m. I Only got out of bed to eat and take a shit like that was it and I remember looking at the clock and it was 7.30. In the whole day flew by and I didn't even notice that 12 hours had went by. I didn't go on my phone all day. I wasn't hyper fixated on myself.

I wasn't thinking about myself. I wasn't angry at myself. I wasn't thinking about myself. I wasn't angry at myself. And for the first time in probably a year, I felt accomplished. I felt really accomplished. Finishing this video made me feel accomplished. And I remember I went into the bathroom and I looked into the mirror to wash my face before I was going to go to bed. And I felt like I saw myself in a new light. I was like, I don't hate myself right now. For the first time in months, I don't hate myself right now.

Because I feel proud of myself because I created something that was from the heart. I edited this video all day and put my all into it and I enjoyed the process and I was proud of how it turned out and it made me feel good about myself and That's when I realized, okay, this has been the problem all along. Like, I removed the challenge from my life when I handed off my editing to an editor. And that made sense for a period of time. But I can't feel accomplished in my life unless I'm being challenged. And filming

videos for me is not challenging. It's fun. It's not challenging. It's easy. And recording podcasts is not very challenging. It can be, but it's more just enjoyable. The challenge is editing things. And I don't edit my podcast because I don't need to. Like that's just different because it's not the editing is more minute. It's not really creative. The editing with YouTube is more creative because you're it's about how you tell the story, right? And I removed the challenge from my life when I removed the editing. And I think that at a certain point that came back to bite me. I'm taking it back into my own hands and I'm letting it be my challenge.

Because being challenged in life gives you purpose. My dad always says this, human beings are problem solvers. And if we don't have a problem to solve, then we'll create problems. And I think that that makes so much sense with my recent realization, because everything that I was doing felt kind of easy. And because of that, I felt like I was a lazy piece of shit. You know what I mean? And every time I would relax, I didn't feel like I deserved it because I wasn't doing anything that was difficult or challenging.

And I didn't have any problem solving I had to do. Like when you're editing a YouTube video, there's a lot of problem solving that goes on. Like you're trying to decide whether or not something that you said is worth making the cut you're, you know timing everything out to make it flow properly like there's all these little details and there's so much problem solving and I just didn't have that challenge and Simply reintegrating that challenge back into my life gave me a problem to solve, so that I didn't have to create problems in my own life to solve. This episode is brought to you by Instagram.

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I'm so excited to be editing my own videos again and allowing myself to be creative there because what I think I forgot was that editing YouTube videos is truly my passion in life, editing in general, editing anything. I love editing things. For me, editing has the perfect balance of challenge, but also natural instinct. I taught myself everything when it comes to editing. It's almost like it came to me naturally in a way where nothing else has. And so because of that, I need it in my life. I need to be editing to be excited about life because that's my passion right now.

And so I'm just so stoked to be editing again. It feels so good. I feel so inspired to film different types of videos now because it's so weird how it all came together. And what's so funny about it too is that the last thing that I would have thought was that editing my own videos would be the cure to my problem. Because when I handed off the job a few years ago to an editor, that at the time solved a lot of my problems. Because I was a mess trying to get a video up every week and I couldn't do it.

But now I'm at a place in my life where things have really settled down. You know, like I have a lot more time on my hands than I did back in the day because I don't hang out with people as much. I used to spend a lot more time with people and now I spend more time alone and now I can use that time to be creative with editing and with even filming things in hopefully a more creative way. And that's also exciting to me. And so I'm just so excited. And I posted my first video yesterday and I was extremely nervous because, you know,

the editing was back in my control, and I edited it the way that I wanted to edit it. I had full control over everything, and so it naturally turned out very different than how my videos have been. And I was nervous, I was like, okay, this video's weird, this video's a little weird. I don't know what people are going to think of it.

And it went over great. The response was more positive than I could ever even have dreamed. And I know that the difference between editing is like not that big of a deal to somebody who's maybe watching it. It's a lot less noticeable, but for me, it was scary because I've been editing in the same kind of style for pretty much my whole YouTube life. It's evolved a little bit, but it's been very similar. Very fast-paced, very upbeat, and the latest video was not that way because that's just not the way that I

want to edit anymore. And I was nervous that people were going to be like, well, this is not what we signed up for. So we're out like fuck you bitch. But that didn't happen. And I'm just feeling very excited. And that was the missing piece for me. And it feels like I'm coming back full circle to editing again. And so it's just very exciting. But enough talking about me, I kind of want to connect this to a piece of advice that comes from all of this. And it's that sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can go back up.

And when you're in the midst of being at rock bottom, it can feel like nothing good could ever come of it. And you might even be angry at yourself for getting there. But throughout my life, every time I've ever hit rock bottom, it's always been right before a breakthrough. Always. Like this time when I hit rock bottom, in a sense, and I was feeling like shit, depressed, you know, angry at myself, just creatively

uninspired everything. I hit rock bottom and hitting rock bottom forced me to find out that I want to start editing again. It forced me to refine to my passion. And for that, I am so extremely grateful. I had to get to a point where I was so in pain and so uncomfortable that I had to make a change for the change to happen. I could have kept floating by if I wouldn't have hit rock bottom.

And I wouldn't have had the realization that, I need to change up my YouTube content to be excited about it. And I need to bring challenge back into my life. I would have just kept floating by with this inkling of self hatred in the back of my head because it wasn't bad enough to cause me to want to change. Sometimes you have to get to a point that is as bad as it can get before you can get motivated and even realize that a change needs to happen. So next time you're at rock bottom,

be patient with yourself. And let yourself lay in bed for a week straight and watch stupid TV. And don't be mad at yourself for just this once, for laying in bed. And you will realize shit. OK, you will realize shit. Okay, you will realize shit. And it will all come together.

And it might not be in a way that you expect because let me tell you, I did not expect that I was going to decide that I wanted to start editing again. This is the last thing I thought I was going to come up with. But yet here we are. I think rock bottom is actually a really beautiful place because you can only go up from there and I think that hitting rock bottom can create some of the most beautiful

realizations and they can inspire you to do things that you wouldn't normally do. I think a lot of people hit rock bottom and then find their passion. You hear a lot of stories like that. People who maybe had some sort of addiction or were really depressed or really anxious and they hit rock bottom with it. And the only way that they were able to get out of it was by throwing themselves into something, whether that be a sport, a creative hobby, a job even that they felt passionate about, just throwing themselves into something. It's a beautiful thing, you know? The second that you stop getting in your own way and you're kind to yourself and you're graceful with yourself, it's crazy to see how you blossom and what you can find out about

yourself. When you treat yourself kindly and gracefully and you let yourself be human, your life becomes so much better and you can figure out what things you need to do in your life that can make it even better. But if you're constantly hating yourself because you don't have it figured out, and you don't know what to do to make your life better, and you don't know how you're gonna turn it around, and you don't know how to get the motivation to get out of bed, and you're pissed at yourself, you just make the problem worse.

I think that subconsciously I was like, tough love, I'm gonna do tough love with myself and I'm just gonna be angry at myself. And maybe that will get me to be as productive and creative as I wanna be. No, it took me being gentle with myself to come to this realization. And now, guess what? I have, like, I'm more productive than I've ever been. I've been working on things every day, all day long, for the past five days. And it's felt easy, uncomfortable, and fun, and exciting.

And it's been so natural. And it's been because I want to do it. And that's all I wanted during my phase of being angry at myself for laying in bed all day. I wanted what I have now. But in order to get to where I am now, I had to be nice to myself and let myself relax. And guess what?

If down the line, I'm like, I need to relax. I'm not going to allow myself to be mean to myself about it. As complicated and backwards as that sounds, like, if I need a break, I'm going to take it and I'm not going gonna fucking feel bad about it. Because guess what? If I just lean into it, and let myself relax 100%, that's not pointless, that's not a waste of time.

It's only a waste of time if you're being mean to yourself while you're doing it. Anyway, guys, I'm really excited about my future YouTube content and what's going to happen with that. And I just feel really good and really excited and I'm excited to share, you know, what comes next with all of you. And I hope that something from this episode was useful, or at least interesting. I really enjoyed talking to you guys today

and I love you all, and I will see you next week. Goodbye.