anything goes with emma chamberlain - running away from problems [video]

Episode Date: July 23, 2023

[video available on spotify] about two months ago i was kind of going through it, and around that time i had a trip coming up. without realizing, i sort of put off dealing with the challenges that i was being faced with in my life. subconsciously i thought this trip was going to just erase my problems. and i very quickly realized that problems follow you everywhere. i was on this trip dealing with all these unresolved issues because simply being in another country wasn't going to fix anything. reality hit me hard, and there was no ignoring it. this experience made me hyper aware of how damaging it can be to run away from your problems. so, all that to say, today we're gonna be discussing running away from our problems. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hi, so about, I don't know, two months ago, I was kind of going through it and I know what you're thinking, Emma, you're always going through it. Like you're always going through it. Yes, yes, I know. I know. Trust me, I'm just as frustrated as you are. Okay, I wish just as much as you that a month could go by where something wasn't bothering me. Okay. Listen, we all have the same dream here. But if I, you know, if I didn't have problems to solve, I probably wouldn't have a podcast.

So, you know, I guess it's okay. So anyway, I was sort of going through a tough time like two months ago, and around that time, I had a trip coming up. And without realizing, I sort of put off dealing with the challenges that I was being faced with because I had this trip coming up up and I was like, you know what? I don't really need to solve my problems because I'm going on this trip. And I think this trip is going to just erase my problems. So I'm not really going to deal with them

and I'm just going to let this trip sort of wipe away all my problems. Now, this was not a conscious thought at all. This was very much a subconscious thought. This was all happening in the back of my head. I was not even aware that this was all happening until later. And so that's what I did. I kind of pushed off I kind of pushed off addressing the things that were bothering me in my life. And I waited for this trip and the trip came and I went on this trip. And I very quickly realized once I arrived on my trip that problems follow you everywhere. And listen, in my conscious mind, I know that. But my subconscious mind had other plans. You know what I mean?

My subconscious mind was like, no, when you go on this trip, everything's gonna be wiped away and everything's gonna be fine. And that became an issue because, you know, I'm on this trip and I'm dealing with all these unresolved issues because simply being in another country wasn't going to solve my problems. Reality hit me hard and there was no ignoring the problems.

In part of me was really frustrated because I was like, fuck, you know, if I wouldn't have tried to run away from these issues and I would have faced them head on, this all wouldn't have happened. And this sort of experience made me hyper aware of how damaging it can be to run away from your problems. And you know, now in retrospect, I'm able to look back at even more occasions in my life where I've run away from my problems. But I would say this is the first time that I've been sort of in touch enough with my

own life to realize how damaging this can be. So all that to say, today we're going to be discussing running away from our problems. I would say there are two main times when we feel tempted to run away from an issue. Number one, when an obvious problem arises that requires a high level of effort to resolve, this is the kind of problem that is laid out in front of us on a silver platter. We know what the issue is. We're conscious of the issue.

We know exactly what the problem is. And we might even know exactly how to fix it, but it's just so daunting and exhausting that we would just rather run away than face it head on. And then the second time that this happens, I would say, is when there's a time in life, when we feel stuck, and we know something's wrong, and we know something's out of balance, and we know something's not working, but it's not obvious what the problem is. It's sort of vaguely in our mind, but it's not sorted out yet.

We can't easily figure out what's wrong. It might be one thing, it might be 10 things, we don't really know. We just know something's wrong, but we don't know what it is, and we don't really want to figure it out. Because it can be complicated to figure out what the root of the issue is. That takes a level of effort. But then on top of that, a lot of times we don't even want to know what the issue is. If it's not obvious, it's just easier to not even know and to just keep floating by and pushing through and just turning a blind eye.

And a lot of times with these issues too, because they're so vaguely in our mind, we feel even more inclined to just leave them alone and see if they solve themselves, but inevitably the issue doesn't get resolved. So I can't tell you how many times I've found myself in those two types of predicaments. I mean, it might even be on a monthly basis, dare I say, where I find myself dealing with

those types of challenges. And I would say for the most part, I try to face it head on because subconsciously I know that that's the right thing to do, but there are times when I don't face it head on and I suppress it and I run away from it. So next I want to define what I believe it means to run away from a problem. Because there's a lot of gray areas because running away from your problem can actually look the same as solving your problem.

And that's where it gets a little spooky, okay? Because you can convince yourself, I'm solving my problem. When in reality you're not. That's where it gets spooky. Although there are some occasions when it's very clear that you're just deliberately running away from your problem. Running away from our problems, defined by me, is to distract ourselves with things that do not help us solve a problem.

It's kind of procrastination in a way. I think that's a way to sort of simplify it. It's just procrastinating solving a life problem. That's it. I feel like that's all it is. Whereas making a positive shift in your life directly addresses the issue. It means getting up and taking usually uncomfortable steps towards a solution. Some examples of how we may run away from our problems. We may pick up a social life in a way that we never have before.

You know, we're going out to parties, we're hanging out with our friends every day, we're going to this book club we don't even care about all of a sudden. We're forcing ourselves into as many social settings as we can because being around other people is distracting. And I know for me personally, it's one of the only times I can truly distract myself from an issue. I definitely use other people as a distraction. And I think sometimes that can be, okay, you know, if you're going through something and you just need two hours to laugh, that's different. Okay, that's different.

I'm talking about abusing your social life in a way. And I think we can all distinguish when that's happening, when we're abusing our social life and using it as an unhealthy distraction versus when we're using it as a healthy distraction. I think it's easy to distinguish in your own mind. You know, you know, I know, I know. So that's one example. Some of us make impulsive shifts in our life that don't relate to the problem as a distraction. For example, let's say you're in a really bad relationship. Wow, this is like an example in an example. This is example andception. Okay, anyway, let's say you're in a really shitty relationship. Okay, your significant other is mean to you and they suck.

You might not want to handle that problem. Because solving that problem probably means having uncomfortable conversations, dealing with a painful breakup, et cetera. So instead of dealing with that problem, we decide, okay, you know what? Let's move cities. Let's just pick up, pack up, and just move cities. Or, you know what, let's just quit our job. That's what the problem is.

The problem is our job. The job has to go. No, you know what? You see what I'm saying? It's making a massive shift in your life in the wrong area to distract from the real issue that requires a massive shift. We can convince ourselves that there's another issue going on in our life to distract from the actual issue, if that makes sense. Some of us drown ourselves in work as a way to run away from

our issues. Like, it's not running away from an issue. If we're just getting extra work done, but it is running away from our issues. That is the sneaky part. We feel productive. We feel like we're doing what we should be doing. But in reality, we're just running away from our problems in a productive way. You know, it can be tempting to want to distract ourselves with love because

falling in love is somewhat drug-like. But, you know, we may be tempted to force ourselves on dates or force ourselves to hook up with people as a distraction. Because listen, there's nothing wrong with dating around, there's nothing wrong with falling in love, there's nothing wrong with hooking up. Unless it's being used as a distraction, right? Obviously, that's the only way that you can find a partner. So it's like, yeah, you have to do that stuff. But there are times when it's being abused

as a way to distract ourselves, right? And then last but not least, we can drown ourselves in entertainment, you know? Constantly have a podcast playing, constantly have a YouTube video playing, constantly be scrolling on Instagram, constantly be scrolling on on TikTok constantly be watching the new thing on TV constantly be watching movies never sit in silence constantly be entertaining ourselves. I'm really guilty of this one when I'm going through it and I don't want to deal with shit. I'm not kidding. My house is never is never silent. deal with shit. I'm not kidding. My house is never is never silent. I'm always on the phone with somebody watching something on my phone, watching something on TV, listening

to something. I'm always filling my brain with something so that I'm not left alone with my thoughts. It's so easy to do that now because we have so many opportunities to distract ourselves or everywhere. It's so easy. Now, there's nothing wrong with enjoying these forms of entertainment. Again, it's like when done in a healthy way, great, but it can also be used as a way to distract ourselves and to run away from our problems. So that's just scratching the surface

on all the ways that we can run away from our problems. There's a lot of different ways. But as I mentioned, it's complicated because a lot of those things that I just mentioned can also be just positive actions that we take in our lives. You know what I'm saying? Like being social, traveling, making big shifts in our life, all of those things can be incredibly positive. And all of those things can be incredibly positive, and all

of those things can even be a solution at times to a problem. Depending on what our problem is, the problem is when these actions are being misused, they're not helpful steps towards a solution. They're a solution. There are distraction. I think the difference lies in the motive is the motive to solve the problem or is the motive to run away from the problem. And the only person who can figure that out is you. And a lot of times you know, but it's so hard at times to admit to yourself that you're running away from a problem. And on top of that, it can even just be subconscious and you don't even realize that you're doing it. So now it's sort of zoom in on when we tend to run away from our problems and why we tend to

run away from our problems and how we can address these particular scenarios? Number one, we tend to run away from our problems when something fundamental in our lives isn't working, our foundation in life is cracked. Something that is incredibly impactful in our lives isn't functioning properly. For example, our job, our relationships, our community. Something fundamental is not working. Something needs to change. It's always scary when there's a crack in our foundation because usually these cracks in our foundation

take a lot of effort to fix. You know, the foundation that we build for ourselves in our lives. We rely on that foundation so much. I'm normally relying on the people in my life, my home, my job to serve as support for me in a way. But when those things are in question, it's terrifying and daunting, because it's like, well, then where am I supposed to find support when my support has a crack in it? I think during times like these, we have to sort of lean on ourselves a little bit and We have to sort of lean on ourselves a little bit and really meditate on what the problem is.

These are the types of moments when you need to step back and look at your life from a bird's eye view and say, okay, what's not working? And sometimes this means reflecting by yourself. Sometimes this means reflecting with a friend, a family member, a therapist, but it does sort of come down to you being able to look at your own life from a bird's eye view and pick out what's not working. And then from there, you have to sort of make a plan. Like, okay, what about my life needs to change? And what's the first step I can take to change it? Let's say you're in a relationship romantically that's not fulfilling you. Okay, well, what's the first step? Maybe it's having a conversation that's uncomfortable

and being like, hmm, not good. Maybe if you don't like your job, it's starting to look for another job. Just keeping your eyes peeled. It's figuring out what that first step is. You don't have to jump in head first and change everything about your life overnight because actually a lot of times that ends up being a way to run away. Because extreme actions and big changes are actually kind of a distraction

in a lot of ways. And so, usually that's not the right way to do it. You want to take it slow and steady and break it down into small steps. And it's not going to be fun and it's not going to be comfortable. Because anytime there's something wrong with the foundational pieces of your life, it's going to be painful, it's going to be uncomfortable because we value those things so much. We value our relationships so much, we value our community, we value all of these things so much that when there's a crack, it's really painful, but it's so worth fixing. Because number one, we'll never have a perfectly solid foundation. So it's sort of irrational to think that we could ever have it all figured out and perfect.

You know, it's an ongoing journey. But on top of that, constantly working on it and patching it up, right, will give us the support that we need to get through other challenges that have nothing to do with our foundation in life, you know? Although a lot of issues stem from our foundation in life. Number two, we tend to run away from our problems when we're uncomfortable with ourselves. And our self-esteem is low, our confidence is low. The way we view ourself is complex and it's sort of abstract. Like, it is not tangible. It's all in our imagination. And this makes the problem daunting and uncomfortable

when we feel bad about ourselves, when we feel uncomfortable with ourselves, we can feel intimidated by that challenge because it's not obvious how to fix it. You can't get out a wrench and a screwdriver and just fix it. You can't go online and Google how to fix it. You can try, but again, it's, there's no perfect guidebook. There's no manual for how to solve something that's so personal and

individual to you, like yourself a steam, like yourself confidence. And on top of that, it takes a level of self-respecting confidence to believe in the first place that we can solve problems. You know, it takes a level of confidence in oneself to believe I can solve challenging problems. I can get through challenging times.

But the problem is, if your problem is that you feel like shit about yourself and you're uncomfortable with yourself, you don't feel confident that you can fix that view of yourself. You see what I'm saying? It's like a hamster wheel. In order to solve a problem, you have to believe that you can and figure out a way to do it. But if you don't have any confidence

and that's the issue in the first place, you see what I'm saying? That's why it's easy to run away from this type of problem. But you know, what I really think breaks that cycle is to do things for other people, to provide value to other people. Because that's the only way to build the confidence you need in yourself, to believe for just a moment that you could solve the problem of how you view yourself. And actually, a lot of times, simply doing things for other people and providing

value to other people solves the problem in the first place and you don't even have to make a plan. You don't even have to believe you can solve the problem and you can figure out how to change your view of yourself because a lot of times doing things for other people and providing value to other people just simply does that. But if for whatever reason it doesn't, it'll at least give you a little more strength in confidence so that you can find it in yourself to try to take steps to solve that problem. And last but not least, I think a lot of times we run away from our problems

because we just can't handle it. It's just all too much. We can feel that way as a result of compounded problems, a bunch of problems stacked up on top of each other in our brain, or something that is so painful in itself that we just don't even know how to face it. Like, sometimes that's a painful breakup. Sometimes that's loss in life, whether it's a thing or a person or I guess that a breakup is a sort of a loss

as well, you know, those moments can be so excruciating. Those moments are so excruciating. It's so natural for us to find ourselves in a place where we just feel like we can't handle it. In these moments, it can feel like there's absolutely no way that we can make it through. But of course we can. The truth is, yes, we can. And I think the way to combat this type of running away from problems is to possibly find people to lean on.

In moments like this, we can feel so bad that we just can't do it on our own. And we don't have to. There's always someone that you can lean on, whether it's a friend or a family member or a therapist or a doctor, it doesn't matter. Finding somebody to lean on can be so impactful during these moments. And talking through these issues, talking through these challenges, and then making a plan, you know, what can I do to get myself one step closer to solving this issue as best as

I can? What's the first step to feeling better about this? And it doesn't need to be big. It could literally be like, right, in a journal for an hour, it could be, take a three hour nap, and rest, it could be text to friend I have in a while. You know, it could mean a million different things.

But making a plan is so incredibly helpful. And the plan can include the smallest of actions or the largest of actions. It just all depends on what situation you're going through. There's no right way to do it. And then also being patient with yourself. You know, it's so hard for some of us to deal with challenging moments because we feel like we're wasting time. Like, oh, I'm wasting time being upset

and challenged by this. I should just ignore it and push it off because I have shit to do. But that is only making the problem worse. We must be patient with ourselves. I mean, listen, I think it's safe to say, running away from our problems, it never works. And the reason for that is there's no shortcuts in life. There just isn't. And we've heard that saying since we are kids, probably there are no shortcuts. It's so true. The only way to solve an issue is to face it head on and just take whatever comes with it.

And it's going to be painful at times and it's gonna be shitty. But I would argue that it's going to be painful at times and it's going to be shitty. But I would argue that it's much better to deal with it head on than to carry it around with you every day until it gets resolved. Because the more you run away from problems, the more problems start to weigh on you. It's almost like carrying a backpack all the time, 24-7, carrying a backpack. And this backpack just holds unresolved problems. The more unresolved problems you have, the more that gets added into your backpack. And now you have to carry that around all the time.

What makes life easier? Carrying around a light backpack or a heavy backpack. Obviously carrying around a light backpack, okay? Now we're doing third grade stuff right here. I feel like I'm teaching third grade here. Obviously the lighter backpack is easier to carry. But you can I'm saying, unresolved problems do not just go away eventually. They stay in your metaphorical backpack until you address them and then let them go. I think now that I'm so hyper aware of how important it is to address issues head on, I'm able to prevent myself from running

away because now I'm more aware of what that can look like and when I might do that. It's kind of impossible for it to be subconscious, I think, now, because now I'm so aware of it. That's why I wanted to have this conversation today because I think it's easy for you to run away from things subconsciously when you're not aware of what you're doing. But then once you become aware, like I did so vividly in the last month or so, two months or so, I don't know if I can run away from problems anymore,

because I'm too hyper aware of it. It's gonna have to be a deliberate choice now. Whereas before it was able to be subconscious. But in moments when I'm tempted to run away from my problems, instead of face some head on, I'm going to remind myself of the relief that I will experience when the problem is properly solved. And I'll also remind myself of the growth that will come with getting through it, because that's the other thing that gets

lost when you run away from your problems. You don't get to grow from that challenge. And that's one of the most incredible things about challenges in life is that, oh my God, when I get through it, I'm going to be a better, stronger, smarter, wiser person from it. Because inevitably that will happen. And what a beautiful thing that is. So that's it for today. That is it for today. Thank you all so, so, so very much for listening and hanging out with me today.

I always have the best time with you. I just do. I just always have the best time. We always have the best time with you. I just do. I just always have the best time. We always have the best time and I'm just so grateful that you decided to spend your time with me today and I have the rest of your day is absolutely gorgeous and if it's not You'll have a gorgeous day soon

And if you want to hang out with me some more Subscribe to anything goes. New episodes every Thursday and Sunday. Follow anything goes on Instagram, at anything goes or on Twitter, at AG podcast. Although apparently now there's something called threats, okay, and I'm not, I'll tell you I am, I don't even know what that is yet. So we're going to have to figure that out. I know I'm late.

I just, I can't, another platform, I can't handle it. So I mean, I don't even know what that is yet. So we're gonna have to figure that out. I know I'm late. I just, I can't, another platform, I can't handle it. So, I mean, I don't even use Twitter. Like Twitter is like dead to me already. And then it's like, now there's a new one in its threads. I still use Twitter, but not really how I used to. And it's like, now it's, I use it only for the podcast. And then now there's threads. And I'm like, is this different or is it just the same?

Do I go on threads? So I'm actually running away from that problem. I'm running away from figuring out whether or not I go on threads or not. That's something I'm running away from. But I have a feeling that that's something I actually can run away from and it's okay. Anywho, check out my coffee company, Chamberlain Coffee.

Right now, I'm actually drinking our citrus chamomile herbal tea because we don't just have coffee, we also have tea. And it's the evening time, so my body wants tea and not caffeine. You can use code AG15 for a little discount on ChamberlainCoffee.com. If you want, we have coffee tea, little accessories. It's what I drink every single day, multiple times a day. Everything's delicious. So go check that out if you want. And I guess I'll talk to you soon. Keep pushing through. I love you and I appreciate you. And that's all I got. Talk to you later.