anything goes with emma chamberlain - selfish and selfless

Episode Date: May 18, 2025

[video available on spotify] this past weekend i found myself with a dilemma. i had a lot of work to get done. and then, two of my loved ones asked me to hang out. do i choose to be selfish and get stuff done? or do i neglect my work and spend quality time with my loved ones? this really brought to my attention how challenging it is to choose between selflishness and selflessness. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This past weekend, I found myself in a little bit of a dilemma. Okay, let me paint the picture for you. So the week leading up to last weekend was really busy. I had a lot of work to get done. And I'll be honest, I only got about 50% of it done. So that left me on Friday evening, incredibly stressed, incredibly stressed, knowing that I'd have to work over the weekend. And that's something I try not to do because, you know,

I try to maintain a level of work-life balance. And in theory, I'm my own boss, and I can take time off whenever I want, which is an absolute luxury, but I do hold myself to a certain standard. And so there are times when I have to work on the weekends, you know, whether it's because there's deadlines or because I didn't meet my own expectation, you know, it happens. And so Friday evening,

I knew, okay, this weekend, I'm gonna have to work. And that's totally fine. But it's a little bit of a bummer, but it's totally fine. But it'll make me feel good to do that. Right? Ultimately, the decision to work on the weekend was for me to make me feel good to do that, right? Ultimately, the decision to work on the weekend was for me, to make me feel good. Because when I'm ahead and I'm not constantly being chased by deadlines, I feel good. I feel happy. And so me working last weekend wasn't necessarily mandatory because it wasn't like, oh, if I don't work this weekend, I'm not going to meet certain deadlines.

It was more like, I want to work this weekend so I can have a comfortable buffer between my deadlines. So that's how I was feeling on Friday evening. And then I get a text from two separate loved ones, okay? I'm not saying like a group chat was made and they both texted me and asked me to hang out. No, two of my loved ones separately asked me to hang out. And I deeply adore these people, okay?

But I was faced with this sort of dilemma. Do I choose to be selfish and work and get stuff done and make myself feel good, but potentially neglect these loved ones and not spend quality time with them? Or do I neglect my work and what will ultimately make me feel probably best? Because being ahead in my work life makes me feel really good. When I'm ahead, I'm just peaceful. And on top of that, I'm more fun to be around because I'm not stressed, you know? So do I neglect

my work, potentially be in a bad mood, at least internally? You know, I try not to show that on the outside, but at least internally, but get to spend quality time with my loved ones and make them feel loved and seen and appreciated by me hanging out with them. This sort of dilemma really brought to my attention how truly challenging it is at times to choose between selfishness and selflessness. There's absolutely no perfect piece of advice for this sort of dilemma. There's no answer.

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figure out when to do which. I feel like I see advice all the time online about how you have to be selfish, prioritize yourself, help yourself before you help others. That's how you reach your ultimate potential. That's how you're able to help others. If you're selfish, for the most part, then you'll naturally want to be selfless in a way. Being selfish is important and we should all be selfish. But then I also hear advice that's like, we should lead a selfless life for ultimate fulfillment and purpose. Doing things for ourselves all the time leads us to a life of isolation. And you know, it's like you can be successful and rich and famous and

all of this because you were selfish and you worked hard on yourself. But at the end of that road, because you've been selfish, you have no one there to enjoy it with. We must be selfless in this life. And it's like, okay, which is it then? And obviously, you know, we need to be a little bit of both. We need to be a little bit selfish and, you know, a little bit selfless. We need to have, well, I guess we need to be 50-50. Or maybe it's not a 50-50 split. Maybe it's 30-70. I don't know. But like, we obviously need to have both. But in moments like last weekend, I was overwhelmed with this dilemma. I could not choose because both seemed equally important to me. Getting ahead on work, I knew would make me feel good. But spending time with my loved ones

is incredibly important to me. And I get to spend a good amount of time with my loved ones, but I have to be really intentional about making sure that it happens because everyone's busy. And quality time is kind of scarce. I don't know. It's like, so, oh my God. I literally, it's ironic because it's like,

I was already stressed, like, oh my God, I have so much to do. But then this dilemma of do I go and hang out or do I stay and I work? It was so overwhelming for me that I couldn't do anything. Like I couldn't even finish my work on Friday because I was so consumed by this dilemma. so consumed by this dilemma. And I ultimately decided to be selfless, if you will, and go and hang out with my loved ones. And I say that hanging out with my loved ones is selfish in this context because the activities that my loved ones brought up for me to do were more like catering to their interests or their lives. Does that make sense? Which is, by the way, totally fine. I love doing those things. I'm not against that. Do you get what I'm saying though? It wasn't like, oh, this is our favorite coffee shop

or this is a movie that we both really wanted to see or this is our favorite coffee shop, or this is a movie that we both really wanted to see, or this is our favorite clothing store to browse around in, or this is a cocktail event that we were both invited to, that we both are going to attend. It was very specific things that were more so for them, and I was then just going to attend with them as support and to just be there for morale and to hang out, which on a normal day would be not a selfless act at all. I would actually want to do that stuff. I enjoy doing that stuff with my loved ones, but it felt more like the selfless option in this scenario because these are not necessarily activities that I am super excited to do or that necessarily

recharge me. Does that make sense? There are certain activities that recharge me and those are things that I really deeply enjoy doing. And then there are activities that are maybe less recharging, but they're more of like, oh, I'm down to be there because my loved ones want to do it. You know what I'm saying? And that can actually be recharging at times, but only if I'm not stressed. I'm not behind on shit. You know what I mean?

So I did ultimately end up choosing to go and spend time with my loved ones. I have absolutely no regrets at all. I ended up having a great time. I was able to manage my stress and just kind of leave it at the door, if you will. And everything turned out great. But it was so overwhelming to choose and I had immense guilt in the process of deciding this. I feared that by going and hanging out with my loved ones, I was neglecting myself

and that I was then going to suffer for that. And I've spent many years being a yes man, saying yes to everything and I've come a long way. And so I was like, am I regressing? Am I going back to square one? Because I feel like I'm neglecting my own needs to go spend time with people, which I love these people and I want, I love spending time with them, but like this is just the wrong time. But at the same time, these people really want me to be present for these activities. And like, I, I get it. Like I would, if the roles were reversed, I would want them to be there with me, you know? So I was like, Oh, so that's also what I felt guilty about. I was like, if the roles were reversed, I would want them to be present for me for these activities, even though it's not necessarily something that

they maybe love to do or is like, do you know what I'm saying? It was really overwhelming for me. And after the fact, it just left me thinking a lot about selflessness versus selfishness. And I've been thinking about it a lot because I want to prevent the dilemma from happening again and if I have a better understanding of like how to decide, then it won't happen again. And so that's what I thought we'd do together today. Investigate selflessness and selfishness and through that figure out potentially how to find a balance. So let's start out by discussing selfishness actually. Let's

discuss the pros and the cons from my personal experience anyway. I would say the pros of selfishness would be number one, you're able to dedicate your time to you, in theory, leading you to max productivity in your career in self-development. I think we all want to reach our maximum potential, right? For a multitude of reasons. Number one, because it builds our self-confidence and self-esteem. Number two, because that's sort of our purpose on this earth is to, I don't know, be the best people we can be in every single category, right? Work as hard as we can at work.

Take as great of care of ourselves as we can physically. Work on ourselves emotionally as much as possible so we can be as emotionally intelligent as possible. All of these things. That's all of our goals, I think, for the most part, right? And I really do think that in order to get there, you do have to be selfish at times, you know, because this stuff takes a lot of time. This stuff takes some sacrifice.

And it might mean not being able to help your friend move because you're working or not being able to grab coffee with your friend because you have a workout class and you want to take care of your body, whatever it is. Sometimes reaching your ultimate potential requires selfishness. I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with that. Another pro would be full autonomy over your time. Your life is truly what you want it to be through selfishness at times. You know, nobody's telling you how to live your life if you have a bit of selfishness. I, for many years, was a yes man.

And anytime anyone would ask me to hang out, my answer was yes. I would cancel my own life to make time for other people's lives. And that was a huge problem because I didn't feel like I had autonomy over my life. I felt like, you know, my schedule was not up to me. It was up to whoever texted me and asked me to hang out or, you know, whatever like

event invited me to go. Like I said yes to everything to the point where it was like I would put something down on my schedule for me. Like, oh, I'm going to go to this workout class or oh, I'm going to work on editing this YouTube video. And I deep down always knew like, oh, that might not end up working out because, you know, something else might come up and I'm just going to probably have to do it. And this was miserable for me. Okay, because number one, I definitely wasn't reaching my maximum potential. Number two, I felt out of control of my life.

I was like, you know, I don't have control over my schedule. I don't have control over what I do with my time. It felt horrible. It felt chaotic, right? And last but not least, it sort of started to form levels of resentment and frustration towards others, which is in some ways sort of irrational because it's, people inviting me to stuff, you know, companies inviting me to events, like, whatever. That is optional, you know? Like, an invite is not a demand. It was up to me to say, you know what, I can't, I'm so sorry, I appreciate the invite, but I can't. But I couldn't eventually started to build resentment towards others because I felt like everybody was getting in the way of me living my life, but I was getting in the way of me living my life. And so moral of the story is there's a lot of

beauty in having full autonomy over your schedule and time in life. And I think, you know, only through selfishness really can you achieve that. Another pro, I think there's sort of a sense of peace that comes with a level of selfishness. If you're selfless to a fault, you might stretch yourself too thin. You know, if you say yes to everyone, if you help everyone all the time, if you are dedicating all of your time to others and none to yourself, you're going to find yourself exhausted and, as I mentioned earlier, resentful as well. There is a sense of peace that comes with not stretching yourself too thin, being a

bit selfish, prioritizing your needs and balancing those with others' needs. It's ultimately a relief from people pleasing. I used to feel stretched so thin because I was a people pleaser. I said yes to everything people invited me to, but also I was constantly available, always responding to texts, always available. And that made me feel constantly fatigued, constantly exhausted. And it was a bit miserable. And again, I used this word earlier, chaotic. There's peace that comes with selfishness because you choose what you do with your time. You choose what energy you let in. All of this is really kind of a beautiful thing. And the last pro for selfishness that I can

think of would be selfishness can actually inspire selflessness, right? This is something that I think is like widely known but I've personally experienced it as well. When I'm truly selfish with a decent portion of my time and I use it wisely to get work done, have some peaceful time alone, exercise, cook healthy meals, like all these things. When I am selfish with my time and I use it wisely, it makes my moments where I don't have anything to do so much more inspired. I want to go out and I want to help people.

I want to help my friend move. I want to sit with my friend who just went through a breakup for six hours and talk about what they're going through. I want to help my mom paint her kitchen. You know what I'm saying? I want to do selfless stuff when I've been really selfish and thoughtful with my own time. It makes it so that I have the capacity to help others because I don't feel this sort

of nagging to help myself. Does that make sense? But as with all things that are positive, there are also negatives. And I think selfishness can be a really harmful thing as well. And I actually feel like that's normally how we discuss selfishness. I feel like growing up when I was a kid, everybody talked about selfishness in a negative light. And then I got older and the narrative sort of shifted and it was like, no, no, no, we're selfish now. And that does feel like a very, you know, gen Z sort of thing of being

like, no, we're not all angels helping everyone all the time. That's unrealistic and unnecessary. And like, it's like idealistic and it's not it's not realistic, right? Reality is we do need to be selfish. And I think it's true to an extent But again too much of anything is usually bad. Well, it is bad because it's too much There can be too much of anything and that is usually bad. So that leads me to the cons of selfishness starting with potentially risking deeper relationships with others because It's hard to dedicate time to others when you are so focused on your own needs. If you're sort of in an era of selfishness, you have a lot of stuff you want to achieve,

there's a lot of work you want to do on yourself, you can get really wrapped up in that to the point where you're isolating yourself or you're only hanging out with your loved ones when it somehow benefits you. Right? And that can be damaging to relationships. And at the end of the day, other people are really important. You know, again, it is true, I mentioned this at the beginning of the episode, but if you're really selfish with your time and you become

really successful, and you're the healthiest version of yourself, and everything is going great, but you're alone, kind of doesn't matter. Like, life is fun because of other people. And all the work that you've been selfishly doing will not be as rewarding if you don't have good relationships in your life. And so, I don't know. I mean, that's definitely a huge risk of being too selfish. Another con would be, I think if you're too selfish, life can lack purpose because when you're too focused on yourself, weirdly life just feels less fulfilling. I think our purpose a lot of times is helping others and making the world a better place in some way. Obviously in order to do that, you do have to be to an extent selfish because you have to work on yourself and become a good person who has

the energy and the time to do that. And in order to do that, you have to be selfish with your time so that then you have some free time to then go and help others and you have the energy because you don't have that nagging feeling of like, oh, I need to be helping myself. So you can truly go and help others. So it's complicated, right? Because it's like, in order to help others, you do to an extent need to help yourself. But if you're too selfish, then you'll find that your life completely lacks purpose because you're not involved in your community. You're not helping others.

You're not fostering deeper relationships through sacrificing your time and effort towards others. You know, it's very complicated, but being too selfish will lead to, I think, a less fulfilling life. I have found that some of my most depressing eras of my life were shockingly selfish. I think some of my most depressed phases consisted of me only thinking of myself and what I was working on. It made me the center of the universe in a way that sort of caused me to lose perspective about the bigger picture in the world.

There's something about being around other people, helping out other people, helping them reach their goals that weirdly puts everything into perspective. You realize, oh, there's a bigger picture here. My purpose is actually also to help others. Other people have goals that they're trying to reach. And I don't know, it makes your own circumstances feel less extreme in a way. And there's something actually beautiful about that and peaceful about that, which leads to a more fulfilling life in a way.

I don't know, I'm not explaining this very well, but I almost feel like there's a certain amount of energy that we need to dedicate to ourselves, but the rest of our energy needs to go out into the world. And if we take that portion of our energy that we should be putting out towards the world and we're selfish with it and we put it towards ourself, it's almost like that energy that we were supposed to be putting out towards the world,

when put towards ourselves, it hurts us because it's too much energy. We already have a certain amount of energy that we allot towards ourselves, that we should allot towards ourselves. And if we add any more, it becomes like too much energy, almost like our body is filled with energy, right? We put energy towards ourselves and it goes inside of our body. And it's almost like if we put the healthy amount of energy towards ourselves, then everything feels comfortable and good. But if we put too much energy towards ourselves, it's almost like all that energy is bubbling up

inside of us, moving around, shaking around, vibrating around, and it hurts, it's uncomfortable, it injures us in a way. That's how I feel about being too selfish, being too self-centered, and not helping others distributing our energy, right? I think not only does it hurt us, but it also makes our lives less fulfilling. So it's just overall messy. So that's sort of my analysis on selfishness. Let's move on to my analysis of selflessness. I briefly pause this episode to let you know that this episode is brought to you by Hotels.com. I love to travel and I love staying at hotels.

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going and seeing a movie with them that you don't really wanna see, but they really wanna see, you're naturally gonna form a deeper sense of community in this world. By helping others, by being present for others, naturally you'll develop deeper relationships. And I think through that, you'll have a more positive view of the world.

When you're constantly helping others and involving yourself in your community, whether that's intimately with like your loved ones and helping them out or going to the shitty movie with them, or taking the time to help somebody put their groceries in their car when they're struggling, even though you know, like, you want to get home and you want to get back to work on something, but you know, this person's struggling and you do it anyway. Leading a selfless life in this way, not only is fulfilling for you because helping others just for some reason feels really good. But also, other people will want

to help you. And this sense of community, I think, really restores a faith in humanity, which I think is important for people now more than ever because I think, you know, there's a lot of division. I think because of the internet especially, there's a lot of tension and division and everyone's hating on each other and everyone's fighting and all this all the time. There's always drama, you know? And I think it's really important to reenter the real world and realize, oh wait, it's actually really beautiful out here. And we actually do have each other's backs more than we think we do. I also think too that in order to build relationships that reach maximum bond potential, you have to make sacrifices for each other. You have to

be selfless in the relationship. Otherwise, you won't be able to fully unlock a deep bond. We all have those friendships where our friend only reaches out to us when they need something. When we need something, it's like, oh, I can't buy. Those types of relationships are never the deepest ones. It's the ones where both people are willing to be selfless. Those are the deepest relationships. Those are the most meaningful relationships. And so I think to have the deepest relationships possible in life, you need to be somewhat selfless in those relationships. Obviously, we can't be selfless all the time, but there

needs to be a strong element of selflessness in those relationships. I mentioned this earlier, but another pro of selflessness is a deeper sense of purpose and a strong sense of fulfillment. I think humans feel their best when in some way they're being selfless with the world. They're doing a service to someone. It doesn't necessarily need to be huge. There's so many different ways that you can be selfless. It might be a lifestyle where you do little acts of selflessness all the time.

You're really selfless in your personal relationships, you might have a bigger, greater cause where maybe you are involved in certain charities or maybe you started a charity. It's different for everyone and there's no wrong answer, right? But it all is in one way or another selfless. And so without that, it's really hard to find purpose. And people say this a lot and it sounds cliche, but it's so true. It's like, you're not gonna find fulfillment in purpose through money or fame or having a hot significant other

or having a lot of friends or being invited to all the parties. That can be fun and that can feel good. I don't think it's wrong to strive for those things, but that's not where the purpose and the fulfillment come from. That truly comes from what we do for others in a way. And so if we're not selfless in our lives, we're not going to experience, I don't think, true fulfillment.

And again, I mentioned this earlier as well, but another pro of selflessness is it sort of takes the attention off of yourself in a positive way. When we're the center of our own universe, when we're putting all of our energy towards ourselves, it's not good. It's not good for us. It turns toxic quick. So to put our energy towards others to be selfless, is to distribute our energy in a healthy way. And it gives us perspective as well, right? When all we see is ourselves, when all we think about is ourselves, you don't have an accurate perspective on the world and that's not good either. Now let's discuss the cons of selflessness, which I've experienced in a big way, because for so many years I was such a people pleaser. I mean, oof, dark time, not good.

I don't miss it at all. Being a people pleaser absolutely sucks. And I think being too selfless in a way is being a people pleaser. You wanna do everything for everyone all the time to the point where you don't care about yourself. Or it's not even that you don't care about yourself. Or it's not even that you don't care about yourself, but you're not high enough on your

list of priorities to say, you know what? No, I can't hang out. You know what? No, I can't help you with this thing. And I think this is sort of a misconception. I think a lot of people assume that there's no such thing as being too selfless. That's the ultimate act of good, right? To be selfless.

It's like, how could that ever be bad? But I really do think it can be bad. I think there are quite a few cons, so let's get into them. You know, to start, we can neglect ourselves in a way that prevents us from reaching our full potential, which is such a shame, you know? We all have goals we wanna reach, and to not give ourselves the time to reach those goals is truly a shame. We all have goals we want to reach, and to not give ourselves the time to reach those goals

is truly a shame. We deserve to give ourselves ample time and effort to reach our goals in our lives. And so, to spend all of your time on others might mean to not reach your own goals. And that's not, I don't think anyone wants that. And by the way, I don't think the people in your life want that, right? For the most part, we all want each other to succeed.

You know, there's a bit of jealousy floating around on this planet. Actually there's quite a bit. But for the most part, we all want each other to succeed. And I think when we've taken selflessness too far, We end up sacrificing our own goals for others and they wouldn't even want us to do that. Like if we told them like, ah, you know, I really should spend time today working on this art project I've been meaning to work on. I want to do like a gallery show one day and like, you know, I really should work on that this weekend. I'm sorry I can't hang out. Like most people would be like, go off. Like don't hang out

with me. Go do that. Most people don't care. They want us all to do what we got to do. So it's unnecessary and harmful in multiple ways. Another con of being too selfless is you can become a people pleaser where you just say yes to everyone and you have no spine. And you know what that leads to? Funny enough, relationships where you're not respected. And I'm not saying that in a way that's degrading to the people pleaser or degrading to the person who's subconsciously disrespecting and kind of taking advantage of the people pleaser. It's like the way that we develop respect for each other is through a bit of tension, a bit of conflict, right?

When someone says, no, you know what? I can't hang out today because I need to work on this thing. Subconsciously, when someone has said no to, they're like, oh shit, they prioritize their personal lives. I respect that. When someone stands up for themselves and says, hey, you know what, I know you're having a bad day, but I can't put up with this type of behavior. I mean, that's not even necessarily being selfish. Like standing up for yourself, I can't put up with this type of behavior, you know, I mean that's not even necessarily being selfish like being standing up for yourself. I don't think it's selfish but arguably

The selfless thing to do when somebody's having a hard day and they're taking it out on you would be to just like take it You know And not make their day any more uncomfortable, right? But I don't know. I mean, I don't know if this is considered any more uncomfortable, right? But I don't know. I mean, I don't know if this is considered truly selfless to like, like just to take it like take bad treatment. But we'll use it as an example anyway, you know, standing up for yourself and saying like, Hey, you can't talk to me like that. I know you've had a bad day, but you still can't talk to me like that. That subconsciously builds respect in the other person for you because you stood up for yourself. We don't want to be yes men.

We want to have a spine. We want to be our own individuals in relationships, have our own opinions, have our own preferences, have our own schedules, have our own priorities. And if those are dictated by others, because we just say yes to everything, And if those are dictated by others, because we just say yes to everything, then yeah, it's like, why would others respect us fully, right? Because we're just kind of a parrot of whatever they say or do. You know what I mean? And so I think by being too selfless, you end up in relationships where there isn't really a mutual respect, there isn't really a mutual sense of effort, and

there's not like a healthy balance in relationships. I mentioned this earlier, but another con of selflessness is potentially building resentment. If you're too selfless and you don't dedicate any time to being selfish, you'll end up building resentment towards your loved ones and towards the world, right? Because you are neglected and neglect leads to negative emotions, right? So naturally, if you're not being selfish enough, you're going to resent the people who are taking that time away from you in your eyes. And that leads to withering friendships and relationships. That leads to a negative perspective on the world and none of that is good. Last but not least, I really do think that being too selfless can lead to mental instability. Personally, I require certain things to keep myself mentally stable. I need time to recharge alone. I need time to do activities that are

truly fun and enjoyable for me. I need time to get my work done so that I feel ahead. I need time to exercise. There are things that I need to do to be mentally stable. And if I am too selfless and I neglect those things that I need, I end up mentally unstable. I end up depressed, anxious, irritable because all of my time was spent catering to others and I was left in the dust and I don't have any time to do the stuff that recharges me. It's so important to... I think in order to recharge, a lot of times we need to be selfish. We need to, you know, take, there's very specific things that recharge us all as individuals and only we know what those things are, you know, and we have to make sure that we participate

in those recharging activities, otherwise we'll end up unstable and that is not a good vibe. So how does one find a balance? You know, I really think it comes down to long-term fulfillment, not short-term emotions, but long-term fulfillment. What decision is going to make life more fulfilling down the line? What's going to create sustained fulfillment? In a dilemma of, should I be selfish with

my time right now? Should I be selfless? Ask yourself, which one of these activities is more important to participate in for my long-term fulfillment, right? I vaguely mentioned this earlier, but I am very aware of what I need to feel fulfilled. I need deep loving relationships with mutual feelings and effort involved. I need to have a strong work ethic and I need to do work that I'm proud of. I need to do things that make me feel physically good. Like exercise is really important to me. Making time to exercise. Like, you know, I do like a one hour walk every night and I like to go to yoga classes and it's like I have these things that are time consuming that make me feel physically good, which actually does make me feel fulfilled. But the same thing goes for eating healthy foods that don't

hurt my tummy, that energize me for my exercise. That is very important for me. That's very fulfilling. I need to consistently be doing creative activities and hobbies. I need to make sure in my schedule, I have time to do a watercolor. I have time to sit down at my sewing machine and sew something. I have time to use my button maker and make a little pin button or something. I have time to play my guitar. I have time to go to a fabric store. like, you know, I have time to do these creative tasks, but also I have time to relax and rest. Relaxation and resting really is crucial for me. I need time to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling because not only is that how I come up with

ideas for things, work related,solving related, whatever, but also because it feels good and it's peaceful and it leads to a fulfilling life for me. Like having those moments without that, my life is not as fulfilling as it could be. Having fun, going out to dinner, going on a road trip with friends, doing stuff that's just simply fun is so important to me. Making memories, and last but not least, helping others as often as I can. Whether it's like, okay, I'm making a podcast, I'm telling a story about something that is maybe sort of comforting to others or, you know, is sort of a healthy form of distraction for them, maybe while they're driving or on a walk or whatever. Maybe it's something like that or it's helping

my community in some way, whether it's direct or indirect, like helping a random person who was walking in their heels and they tripped and their stuff went all over the floor and I'm helping them. That is also very important to me and is important for me in having a fulfilling life. So I know what I need to lead a fulfilling life. And I think moving forward when I'm faced with these dilemmas, I'm going to choose the route that feels most neglected. You know? So like in the case of last weekend, right?

Where I had to choose between working and getting ahead and feeling less stress as a result or spending quality time with my loved ones. I ultimately decided to spend quality time with my loved ones. I ultimately decided to spend quality time with my loved ones because I've dedicated a lot of time to work over the last few months. And I wouldn't say that my relationships have suffered necessarily, but I haven't spent as much time with my loved ones

as maybe I could have just because I've been so busy and they've been so busy as well, but I've been so busy and they've been so busy as well, but I've been so busy and I've been really focused. And I think my ultimate conclusion was I have already put enough of my effort towards the work portion of my life. My relationships have not gotten nearly as much attention. I should probably choose that. And so I guess that's sort of the answer then. It's less about being selfish versus selfless and more about having a list of things that can fall under the category of selfless or selfish that make you ultimately fulfilled in your life and being aware of what those things are so that you can make educated choices on what to do with your time based on what's

getting neglected, what's not. Let's go through some examples actually. Maybe this will help further explain my point. Okay, let me think of an example. Let's say I'm choosing between going to a workout class or getting coffee with a friend. I might ask myself then, how often do I see this friend? How much am I craving this workout class? Like how much do I need it? You know, sometimes there's like nothing more that I need than just like to go to a workout class and sweat and be

distracted. Like sometimes that's just what I need. Maybe because go to a workout class and sweat and be distracted. Sometimes that's just what I need, maybe because I haven't worked out in a bit or because I'm just stressed and I want to blow off steam. And depending on what the answers to those questions are, if I hang out with that friend a lot, I see that friend multiple times a week, okay, I think it's okay to be like, you know what? I can't do coffee this week. I have to go to this workout class. You can come with me if you want, but I need to do this workout class. On the other hand, if you go to that workout class every day and you see your friend once every six months, yeah, you should go and see the friend. Another example, let's say

someone's choosing between going on a date with their significant other or dedicating the weekend to a personal project. What questions should this person ask to themselves? How strong is their romantic relationship right now? Are they kind of on the rocks? Are things kind of uncomfortable or are things incredible and they are spending a lot of time together and everything's going delightfully. How important is this personal project? Is it possible to work on the project and go on this date? Why does this personal project need to be worked on at the same time that the date would be happening? And depending on the answer, this person should act accordingly.

This person is fictional. They do not exist. But I think if the answer is the relationship's on the rocks and I'd much rather just work on this project just so that I don't have to face my struggling relationship, you need to go on the date. You know what I mean? Or you need to have a conversation and break up. On the other hand, if things are going really beautifully in your relationship and amazing and you don't have any other time to work on this project, work on the project. I think your significant other will understand. One more example.

Let's say you have a weekend off and you have nothing on the schedule. You can do anything with your time. You have a full weekend off and you're choosing between spending the weekend at home, watching movies, eating, relaxing, maybe sitting by the pool, if you have a pool like that vibe, or volunteering at an animal shelter. This person should ask themselves, okay, how long has it been since I had a full weekend to just chill at home? They should also ask themselves, when was the last time I did something for my community,

whether it's casually helping somebody in public randomly or helping a friend with something or volunteering or whatever. When was the last time I helped somebody? And let's say the answer to the first question is, I had a weekend like this last weekend actually. Okay, maybe then you should volunteer. Let's say the answer is, I haven't had a weekend like this in a year.

It's been a year since I've had a weekend like this. I'd feel really good if I went and helped others with my time, but at the same time, I would just love to have a weekend to fully chill. That's okay. It's not wrong to just chill sometimes. Fair enough. But if the answer to the question, when was the last time you volunteered or helped somebody out or whatever is like, Ooh, it's been, I don't even know. Okay. Maybe then you could sacrifice a few hours of your weekend off to go be helpful out there in this world, you know, uh, go volunteer. But if the answer is I helped somebody yesterday and I volunteered two months ago, it's like, okay, then you're fine. You know

what I mean? It's tough. It's tough, okay, then you're fine. You know what I mean? It's tough. It's tough. I have a feeling I'll experience this dilemma again, but I think through this conversation I learned a lot and hopefully next time I'll have less of a mental breakdown about it. Anyway, that's it for today. That's all I got. That's all she wrote.

If you enjoyed it, new episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday and Sunday. Listen anywhere. Watch on YouTube and Spotify. Anything Goes is everywhere on the internet at Anything Goes. I'm everywhere on the internet at Emma Chamberlain. And my coffee company is everywhere at Chamberlain Coffee. It's called Chamberlain Coffee. Check it out. I love you all. I appreciate you all. Thank you for listening and hanging out. It's always an absolute pleasure and a mode of self discovery for me as well as hopefully you. But I can't guarantee that. All I can guarantee is that it's self discovery for me.

And you know what? I'm happy with that. Yeah. All right. I love you all and I'll talk to you in a few days. Bye.