anything goes with emma chamberlain - sex 

Episode Date: November 17, 2022

today i wanted to talk about something rated r...something for adults only. so if you're not an adult, turn this podcast off and go catch up with cocomelon or caillou. for the adults, we're talking about sex. the big s-e-x. yeah, i know. i want to talk about all the ways that i was lied to about sex. growing up my first impression of what sex was came from movies, music videos and books. obviously your parents give you "the talk," or school provides general sex ed, but that only tells you about the technical stuff. your first impression of what sex is really like was through different forms of entertainment. entertainment is always a little bit fantastical, it skips the boring stuff. the issue is that when young people are exposed to this stuff, their first impression of sex is that it's always spicy and perfect...and that just isn't true. at 21, i still find myself struggling with unlearning all the ideas i had about sex that were formed when i was younger, from the media i was consuming. so i want to dig into it today: all of the things that i had to unlearn about sex and the realities of sex that i've learned as an adult. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello! Today I wanted to talk about something rated R, something for adults only. If you're not an adult, turn this episode off. Go and sit on your couch, turn on the TV, and put on Coco Mellon. Put on Kauyu. Put on whatever you want. This episode is not for you, unless you're an adult, then stick around. Today we're talking about sex, the big S-E-X, sex. Yeah, I know.

I know, it's gonna get crazy. I wanna talk about all the ways that I was lied to about sex. Because growing up, my first impression of what sex was came from things like movies and music videos and even books. That was my first real exposure to what it really was. Because obviously, you know, your parents can give you the talk about the birds and the bees. You know, your school can even give you a talk about the birds and the bees. What sex is, how it works, etc., etc. But that only tells you about the birds and the bees, what sex is, how it works, etc., etc. But that only tells you about the technical stuff. Your first, or at least my first, impression of what

it was really like was through different forms of entertainment pretty much. Now, the problem is, is that things like movies and music videos and books and whatever, all of those things are forms of entertainment. And things are more entertaining when they're exaggerated, when they're perfect, right? When they're sort of a fantastical version, is that a word? Fuck, now I have to Google it. Oh, fantastical is not a word.

Oh no, it is. Okay. Entertainment is always a little bit fantastical. It skips the boring stuff. It's ideal. You know, do I think that there's anything wrong with entertainment being that way? No, it's just, it is what it is. But the issue is is that when young people are exposed to this stuff and their first impression of sex, for example, is that it's this hot and steamy, perfect situation

that's so fun and spicy and crazy and perfect. Young people don't necessarily have the life experience and ability to properly criticize things in order to come to the conclusion that this is in fact fantastical and unrealistic. You know what I'm saying? And when you're young your brain is like a sponge. You're just soaking up information left and right trying to gather as much as you can. And the problem is, is that along the way,

you're gonna soak up some shit that's not so good. Not only with just sex and ideas about sex, but about many different things. But today we're specifically talking about sex. Because I'm 21 years old, I'm an adult now, and I still, though I feel like I'm really good at sorting out bullshit from not bullshit, I feel like I'm old enough to be able to do that pretty well.

I still find myself struggling with unlearning all of the ideas that I had about sex that were formed when I was a child from the media, honestly, the media that I was consuming as a child. Like I still struggle with unlearning all of this shit that I saw. And I wanted to dig into it today. All of the things that I've had to unlearn about sex, and I know I'm not the only one, because I know that a lot of us, especially in my generation, grew up seeing sex portrayed in so many different ways in music videos, in movies, etc. and developed this sort of idea about it that was inaccurate. And through life experience and through more wisdom, I've started to sort of unravel my old perception

of sex and form my new perception of it. When I started to get around the age where I was like, ooh, I might lose my virginity soon, I was very scared and insecure. And part of me didn't even want to do it, you know? Like I did, I did, but I didn't. I thought that sex was like a performance and everything about it is so hot and steamy

and seamless and never awkward and it's very serious and there's no laughing and it's perfect and it's amazing and it feels amazing and everybody's so happy and it's the best experience of your life and it's so amazing and fun and you're doing all this stuff that's kind of intimidating and kind of weird when you've never done it before but it's like fucking awesome and it's so great

and it's so hot and amazing. Now that to me was so intimidating because number one,. Now, that, to me, was so intimidating. Because number one, I'm somebody that, in times of discomfort, socially or whatever, I lean on humor. And that's something you can't do with sex in theory. Like, you totally can, but I didn't think you could, because my perception of sex was that it's very serious and hot. And cracking a joke is maybe not serious and hot. You know

what I mean? It's like that's not really what I, I have never looked at myself and thought, wow, you are really hot. I'm sorry, I just don't. I've had moments where I'm like, okay, cute. But like, I don't think of myself as being hot, you know, and I never have. Growing up, I was a late bloomer. I didn't develop at the same time as my friends. I developed much later into my body, if you will. And even now, the stereotypical hot features, almost no one really has that. Like, it's like an unrealistic expectation,

but I felt insecure because I didn't fit into that mold. Even though almost no one does, it didn't matter because I didn't, you know what I mean? I also am kind of clumsy sometimes in like, I don't know, I feel like I can be not super smooth all the way, like I don't think of myself as like a smooth person, right? I don't think I'm like know, I feel like I can be not super smooth all the way, like I don't think of myself as like a smooth person, right? I don't think I'm like smooth, okay?

Maybe I don't think I am. And that's another thing that I thought I needed to be to have sex, right? Like I needed those qualities. And when I looked at myself, I had none of those qualities. So I was terrified of having sex, because the perception I had of what sex was could not be farther from me, could not have been farther from me. Over the years, I've gotten more comfortable with it.

I've taken a lot of the pressure off myself, but there are still a lot of things that I'm unlearning. Number one, it's just not this seamless, hot, perfect experience. I feel like when you're watching a movie and you see a sex scene and it's like two people meet in the subway and they lock eyes and then they get off the subway and they're like, hey, where are you going? It's like, I'm going home. Where are you going? Oh, cool. I'm going to go home too, but maybe I can come with you. And then it's like, they go back to one of their apartments and then it's just like perfect. It's like this seamless experience.

That's the only way I can use seamless. It's like, there's no awkward pauses. There's no communicating like being like, hey, wait a minute. Can I go pee real quick before we do this? Like, hold on, I actually have to pee. I can't, we can't start yet, because I have to go pee.

You know what I mean? Like there's nothing like that. Now listen, in life, are you gonna have some sexual experiences that are perfect and seamless? Honestly, probably, you might have some experiences like that, but it's not like that every time, okay? You know, you might be like taking your shirt off and then like your shirt like gets caught on your necklace

and like you're trying to like fucking take your shirt off and it's like pulling on your necklace and then like your necklace breaks and you're like, that was my fucking grandma's necklace. And then you know, you start crying and now you can't have sex and you have to take a pause and then it's like, okay, wait. And then you get back into it like five minutes later,

but it's like there was this whole interlude of just chaos before you could, you know, or maybe you're starting to have sex, but then, you know, you get your period and then you're bleeding all over the bed and then you're like, oh my God, wait, is that okay? And then the person you're having sex with is like, wait, actually, no, this is my roommates bed. I with is like, we actually know this is my roommates bed.

I didn't tell you that, but this is my roommates bed. And they're gonna be super mad, so we need to go move to another room. Or, oh, hey, wait a minute. Put on a condom right now. Okay, wait, I have to go get a condom from the other room. Oh wait, I got my condom now. Oh wait, hold on, now let me take a solid 15 to 20 seconds

to put this condom on. And then while the condom's being put on, it's like, what do you talk about? Oh, nothing. Is it just silent in the room? Maybe there's no music playing. It's awkward. You see what I'm saying?

That is the reality of sex. Like, that's the reality of sex. Is that most of the time it's these fucking awkward, you know, there's like little awkward moments here and there that are kinda like, ah, this is, this hurts, you know what I mean? Because it's not what you see in the movies,

but that's the reality of what it really is. I can't name the last time I had sex where like one of those things didn't happen. You know what I mean? Something like that. It's like it always happens. It's just part of it. And I always beat myself up over it.

I'm always like, God damn it. This is your fault because you're not a smooth mother fucker. You are a nerd dork. You are a d motherfucker. You are a nerd dork. You are a dork. And you just can't get it right, can you? You know, this is the shit I say to myself in my head. But then I have to remind myself, no, that's not true. The next thing that I realized was that sex

doesn't have to be 100% serious. As I told you earlier, I had this sort of perception in this sort of View that sex was a very serious thing. It was very serious There's no room for joking around. There's no room for a laugh You know, it's all down to business. Hot, steamy business. That's it. It's just not true.

Like, for example, if something kind of silly happens, maybe somebody farts, maybe somebody quieves, maybe... Somebody slips off the bed and doesn't get injured. You know, maybe somebody gets a phone call. Maybe there's an awkward silence when someone's putting on a condom. You know what I mean? You can make jokes and be a little silly if you want.

Have fun. I always was so scared to be myself when I was having set. Like, I'm not kidding. Like, I was like, I have to become a different person right now. Because for me, I like to like joke around. Be silly. That's just my personality most of the time.

And I felt like the second that things would transition from like being a normal interaction to like, oh, maybe this is getting a little romantic. I would be like, I need to be a different girl right now. Like I need to be a whole new me right now. But yeah, I felt like I needed to be this like hot, mysterious version of me in a sexual environment. And I don't know why, like I don't know exactly what that stemmed from,

like I can't remember a movie where that was necessarily portrayed, you know what I mean? But it just somehow that idea formed in my head. But now I'm realizing not only is it okay to joke around and have fun, but also if you're not able to like be yourself and be silly, if you want to be silly, etc. in a sexual environment, then it's not going to be enjoyable for you. You know, it's kind of

like anything else in life. The next thing is that sex doesn't look a specific way. You know, But sex doesn't look a specific way. You know? Again, this goes back to my fear that I didn't look the part. I didn't feel like I fit into this ideal mold of what I'm supposed to look like to be attractive to people sexually like I just was like I don't know I don't like Fit this mold exactly so this I feel embarrassed and weird, you know Now I obviously realize how ridiculous that is Because there is no specific way that sex looks like it's just

human beings, hopefully having a good time. That's the only way it's supposed to look. You don't have to look any certain type of way to be attractive to somebody else. Like, sorry, I'm having a sip of my coffee. It's really sad to me, honestly, that I used to feel like I wasn't deserving in a way of like a sexual experience because I didn't have this sort of look, if you will, that everyone

seemed to idolize in a sexual way. It's sad to me because I know that I'm not the only one. To be honest, I think 99.9% people on this planet have probably felt this way at some point, feeling like, well, I'm not attractive enough to have sex. Like, I don't feel attractive enough. There's, like, everybody's probably felt like that at one point. Because a lot of times what we see when we're growing up

is a lot of people who look a certain type of way. But it's also like that with so many different types of things. You could find yourself feeling like, I can't wear this outfit because my boobs are too small, or my thighs won't look good in that. We find ourselves in a self-inflicted box all the time because we feel like we don't have the right body or look to do a certain thing.

This isn't just relevant with sex. This is relevant with everything. You know, I think a lot of us struggle with feeling like we can't do things because we don't look the part, but that's not true at all because that's all in illusion. It's all in illusion and it's dumb. And when you realize that it's sort of an illusion

that this is what's attractive, this is what looks good. Buh-buh. Once you realize that all that is in illusion and it kind of means nothing in reality. Like if you were to like strip away all of the social media chatter and all of the media chatter in general and all of the voices that we hear on a daily basis

that are pretty much irrelevant, you know. Next, I learned there's a lot of communication that takes place with sex that like never gets shown, you know. Obviously communication with consent, of course, you know, making sure that everyone involved, cons sure that everyone involved can sense to being involved. That's number one. Number two, during sex, you kinda have to tell people

what works for you and what doesn't because everyone's different and the person you're having sex with can't read your mind, so they can't just look at you and say, oh, this person likes this. No, because everybody likes different things. And some things work for some people and not for others. And the only way for everyone involved to know how to make the experience enjoyable for the other person is for communication to take place. But can I be honest, it's kinda awkward. Sometimes being like, hey, wait, can you do this like this?

Kinda awkward, kind of breaks the fantasy of it for a second when you're like, eh, you're not really doing a good job. Can you do it like this? It kind of is uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable. Confrontation in life is already uncomfortable. But confrontation during sex is like 10 times more uncomfortable.

Because number one, you're scared of ruining the vibe. But number two, you're scared of hurting someone's feelings. But number three, if you don't speak up, you're not having a good time, you're not enjoying yourself, and you're not getting what you want to get out of it. You know what I mean? You're not having a enjoyable experience. So everything about it is like challenging. It's challenging. The communication element of sex is challenging because it goes against this whole idea that sex is like this fantasy dream experience.

It's this perfect, hot, sexy gorgeous 20 minutes of your life. And that's what you see in the movies and the music videos. It's like this perfect experience. But speaking up about something, being like, hey, can you put on a condom? Hey, can you do this a little bit differently? Hey, are you on birth control? Hey, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

All of this crucial conversation is scary and uncomfortable. And I think part of that is because we rarely see it when we're growing up. Like we don't see that in the movies, the music videos, et cetera, we don't see it. And when you've never seen something before and you have to do it without any example to go off of for the first time, it's scary. The first

10, 20 times, you have to bring up those serious things and you have to communicate in a sexual environment. It's intimidating because we're not reassured by the movies that it's not going to kill the vibe, that it's not going to be awkward, that it's not going to be weird. And it's unfortunate because I think that communication is one of the most important parts parts of enjoyable sexual experiences, and yet there's not really a lot of talk about what that even looks like, and you kind of just have to figure it out once you're in it. And there's no example to go off of. I mean, I've never seen that in a movie.

Next thing I learned, sex isn't always this extremely pleasurable experience physically. I feel like I always believed that nothing in the world feels better than sex. It is the best feeling in the world. Now listen, it is great. It is. But, like, not always, it doesn't always feel like a euphoric experience every once in a while, sometimes. Yeah. But not all the time, especially if maybe you just meet someone for the first time and you're like having sex for the first time, there's a decent chance it's not, it might not be actually that great. It might not actually feel physically that great because you don't understand each other's bodies yet.

You know, you don't know what each other likes yet. So it might not be the most euphoric experience of your life. Like you expected to be. I remember the first few times I had sex, I was like, what the fuck is going on? I don't, it's fine, but it's not great. Like I don't feel like I'm transcending reality right now, necessarily. Like it's pretty good. But eh. now necessarily like, it's pretty good. But, eh, and then since then, you know,

I've had experiences that are incredible, you know what I mean, incredible, great experiences. But that's not 100% of the time. And I think for whatever reason, there's just less of an emphasis on bad sex and like how real that reality is. And also, normal it is in how on bad sex and like how real that reality is. And also how normal it is and how it's not necessarily anyone's fault.

Sometimes you and someone else just might not click properly or there wasn't enough communication about what you and the other person likes. So then it's just kind of like, you guys are trying to mind read with each other and you don't really strike gold that way. Things don't really go as well as you wanted them to.

It's just not always going to be amazing and incredible. It's just not. And that's okay. That's part of it. But you don't need to hate somebody or hate yourself over it. The next thing is that sex is a very emotional experience in some ways. I didn't really realize that until I experienced it myself and I kind of felt weird. I was like, am I thinking too hard about this?

Am I feeling too deeply about this? Like sexual experiences are not neutral emotionally. Having sex with somebody that you love can make you love that person in a deeper way. It can make you feel more emotionally attached to that person, which can be exciting. It can also be frightening. I've like really liked somebody and then had sex with them and then been like, oh shit.

Like I really, I care about them now. And now I'm scared because I like them. And what happens if they leave me, what happens if they don't like me anymore now, what happens if and so on and so forth? Like the connection that you have with another person when you have sex is not just surface level. It gets into your psyche a little bit.

Maybe not for everybody, but for me at least it does. One time I had sex with somebody that I didn't like. We've all been there, like that I didn't like, like I didn't have a crush on them. I didn't really like them. I just kind of did it because I was like, eh, why not? You know, sure.

I want to try something new. I want to try having sex with somebody that I don't really have feelings for and just like see how it makes me feel. Some people have no issue with that. It destroyed me mentally, okay. It was not good for me. That might just be me. Like some people might have no issue with that. Some people might be like me. It was

really upsetting for me. I felt really weird. I felt like I opened myself up to somebody who didn't deserve it. And they didn't, it's not that they didn't deserve it. And it's not that they didn't deserve it because they're not a good person or because they did anything wrong, but it was just that they, neither of us appreciated each other very much. You know, like we didn't like each other or even want to be friends with each other, you know, it was kind of an exchange and It was kind of transactional and like I don't know

I don't know like that to me just bugged me it bugged me. I didn't like it I didn't like the way it made me feel and And it really bummed me out for a long time. Like, for over a year, it bummed me out. I'm not kidding, like I would think about it at night and be like, I don't know, like, like it just bothered me for some reason. My point of this is is that sexual experiences can be very emotional and can impact you emotionally in big ways.

And to assume that as long as the experience is respectful and relatively healthy, that it's going to be neutral emotionally is not true. Even an experience that looks good on paper could have a serious emotional effect on you for God knows what reason. It's an emotional thing. You're being extremely vulnerable with another human being and vulnerability can make you emotional. And last but not least, sex is very serious. Like, I know we get sex ed at school and, you know,

the teachers are like, well, if you don't want to get pregnant, you need to use birth control. And if you don't want to get an STD, you need to use condoms. And you need to make sure that everybody involved is on the same page and is consenting. Like, we get that conversation, but for some reason, I don't feel like it sticks as hard as it should. For example, I find myself sometimes forgetting. This sounds crazy, but hear me out. I sometimes forget that having sex,

at least in my experience in who I have sex with, I could get pregnant. You know what I'm saying? Like, I could get pregnant. You know what I'm saying? I forget this. Like I have weirdly separated the act of having sex for fun, Z's, and having sex to get pregnant. Like I've separated those things in my mind. And I always forget when I have sex

that I could get pregnant. It's a serious thing. you know what I mean? It's a serious like I should not, those things should not be distant in my mind. You know, I shouldn't forget. I shouldn't be forgetting, you know, that like this very serious thing could happen. But I find myself forgetting that. Another thing, I think a lot of people sometimes forget in the heat of the moment, I could get an STD from this person. If I don't know them, and we both have a menesteadie checked,

like I could fully get an STD. It's like, I think we forget so often how serious of a thing sex is. There are a lot of risks involved, life changing, things that could happen. You know, it's not, I think it's taken too lightly at times. You know, and I don't know, I don't think that that's anyone's fault. You know, I think it's just, it's just something that I think is exacerbated by the fact that when you're watching a movie, when you're watching TV, when you're doing whatever, when you're hearing about sex, it's always about the fun stuff a lot of the times, not all the time, of course, but for some reason,

we separate the serious parts of sex and the fun parts of sex and we don't remember always that all of that is included in this act. Do you see it? I don't know. Maybe that's just me. Maybe that's just me. I forget sometimes how fucking serious of a thing it is. And I just think it's like this fun thing, you know?

But then every once in a while I have an epiphany and I remember I'm like, hold on a minute. Wait, I have not been looking at this from the right point of view. I've been looking at this like it's no biggie. And my concern has been like, am I being cringey? Am I being weird? Do I look the part to be having sex? Oh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Why am I not thinking about what's really important to be thinking about when it comes to sex, which is all of the serious parts about it, you know? I don't know. I just think that they're very important to remember.

And I always like, I don't know, I don't think I took it seriously when I was younger, all the serious stuff, getting pregnant, getting an STD, whatever it may be. I was like, well, that just, I don't know, I'm just not going to think about that. That just won't happen to me. Like, what? I don't know what I'm just not gonna think about that. That just won't happen to me. Like what? I don't know what, like, that's not how that works. Anyway, that's all I have for today, you guys. Thank you for listening.

I hope that you enjoyed this episode. As always, please let me know what you think. Have you experienced these kinds of feelings about sex? Have you changed your perspective on sex as you've grown up? these kinds of feelings about sex. Have you changed your perspective on sex as you've grown up? Are you still working on it? Did you never struggle with this? Let me know.

The Twitter is at AG podcast and the Instagram is at anything goes. You can tweet me, DM me, do whatever. Let me know what you think. Follow anything goes on any platform, you can tweet me, DM me, do whatever. Let me know what you think. Follow anything goes on any platform, you stream podcasts. Check out Chamberlain Coffee, my coffee company. I'm actually drinking in the iced latte right now using the Chamberlain Coffee Butterfly blend.

It's very yummy. It's a light roast, really good. Drinking it in a Chamberlain coffee mace in jar with a little Chamberlain coffee metal straw like I have the whole Thing happening Right now you can use code AG 15 for a little discount on the Chamberlain coffee website Special for you guys and that's all I have for today. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you for hanging out

Until next week. Love you. Talk later. Bye.