anything goes with emma chamberlain - the feminine mold

Episode Date: September 23, 2021

As we grow up we’re told there are certain molds and stereotypes that we need to fit into: the “ideal” woman, the “ideal” guy, etc. But that image in our minds can leave us feeling that we��re not good enough unless we achieve it. Emma talks through her struggles with this growing up, and the issues it caused with her self-esteem and how she was treated by others. Once we learn to accept who we are, and forget who we think we should be, then we can truly be happy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey everybody, I've literally had to re-record this intro six times because I keep burping. I like the most uncomfortable time. And instead of trying to push through it and just try to act like it didn't happen, I've just decided to re-record the intro six times. So this is my six or seventh intro recording. I'm just praying that I can get through it without a burp. It's all I want. It's all I want. Anyway, I've been in bed for four days because I got back from a 10- day trip and I was pretty wrecked emotionally, physically, socially destroyed. So I just spent the last four days in bed. I watched weird shit on YouTube. I showered maybe once, and I only got out of bed to poop and pee and eat really.

And it was great. I'm feeling nice and recharged, and here I am. Ready to talk and ready to discuss. So today's episode is something that I've been sitting on for a long time, because I knew I wanted to make an episode about it, but I didn't have the words, like the thought wasn't fully formed in my head for so long. And today I feel like I finally have figured it out. And I really think that this topic is important for everybody, but especially for young women. As a young woman myself, this is something I

really, really fucking struggled with throughout my life. And I wish that somebody would have talked to me about it and I just I'm almost getting fucking emotional. What are we two minutes in? Two minutes in. I'm about to start crying. What the fuck? Okay, I'm not. I'm not going to start crying. But like this is something that's really near and dear to my heart And let's just get into it. Okay, so I wanna start this off by a little disclaimer that this topic might not relate to everybody, directly and exactly, you know what I'm saying? But I think that it can relate to anybody if they mold it to fit their life and to fit their specific scenario.

I'm going to be sharing a perspective from a young woman who is attracted to men specifically. So that's kind of the basis of my narrative. But I do think that this could fit in just about any other narrative. But I'm mainly going to be talking about it from my point of view because that's the only experience I've ever had. So growing up for some reason, I've always been very boy crazy a little bit. You know, like, it's funny. I remember like my first memory of having a crush. I was four years old and I had this extreme crush on this boy in my preschool class. And his name was Luca.

I'll say his name because I don't like, I don't even really fully believe that he even exists. It's such like a distant memory. Like I just, there's so many lucas on this planet. I really think we're good here. Like I don't think I'm impeding on his privacy here. Anyway, my first crush was on this boy named Luca and he was in preschool and I was four years old.

And I remember my family would pick on me in a funny way because they were like, Emma, you've literally been obsessed with boys since you were four. Like you're not even like tasting puberty yet and you're already like whatever, having these intense crushes. And so, that really set the tone for me. I've always had like very intense crushes

for whatever reason. And then I remember my elementary school crush was intense. You know, like I was obsessed with this kid. I mean, I'm not kidding, like, obsessed with him. And I would write his name down over and over in my diary. And I would flirt with him at school. I remember I've told

a story before about how he, him and his family, served and how I had these fucking Roxy brand Capri cargo pant looking things. Roxy is a surf. If you didn't know for some context, I had these little Roxy cargo Capri pants and I wore them to school and I was like, Hey, these are Roxy like the surf brand. Meanwhile, I mean, I'm like maybe seven years old. I don't know how I was already like flirting, like that, like what the fuck, it honestly is bizarre to me, but whatever.

He was like, okay, cool, and then walked away. Anyway, I was shattered. That's beside the point. Middle school rolls around. Here comes a whole new influx of crushes. I'm pretty sure throughout middle school I probably had at least 10 intense crushes on God knows who, at God knows what time. Like I, it was like constantly evolving.

The moral of the story is, is that I've always really, really been obsessed with like boys. And I don't, I say this for context because it's going to make sense. To be brutally honest, it's kind of embarrassing for me to admit in a way because I think that there's a scale for people as to like how heavily they feel Attracted to people that they don't have an emotional connection to for whatever reason Mine can be very strong and that and that genuinely embarrassed like I'm embarrassed It's because of my imagination, right? I build these people up and I'm just like oh They would be the best boyfriend ever.

Best boyfriend ever. You know, and then it's like, if I were to actually date them, it would probably be a nightmare. But the reason why I'm talking about this and the reason why I bring up my intense passion for boys is because this really strong feeling and my tendency to get these really strong crushes made me value the opinion of whoever my given crush was at the moment, probably more than I should have. And I was always very analytical of the guys that I had crushes on because for whatever

reason I was just, I mean mean I think this is relatively normal. I think that the truth is I think most people probably have crazy extreme crushes all the time and it's like just kind of unspoken and nobody talks about it so for me I feel like I'm weird because I have these crazy crushes but in reality it might be more normal than I think. I just always felt like kind of an outcast with my friends because I was like, why are you guys not freaking out that like so and so just walked by our table? They're like, they go to our school. I'm like, yeah, but I don't know.

Like I felt like I was always the most obsessed. And I feel like I was also the most curious about what these boys thought about and how they lived and how they exist. Like I don't know. I was paying the most attention to these boys out of everybody. And growing up I was not into all the stereotypical And growing up, I was not into all the stereotypical feminine kind of things. You know, I wasn't really into wearing like stereotypical girly or feminine things.

Listen, take that with a grain of salt. I don't necessarily like, we have to, you know, go with the stereo to like, take it with a grain of salt, okay? But I wasn't into that stuff as much. And when I was younger, like when I was in preschool and elementary school, it didn't really matter. But once I got into middle school, you know,

I started to feel like, oh shit, like I need to start playing the game a little bit, you know? Like, girls are coming to school and they're looking really pretty and girly. And I was like, fuck, okay, I need to move. It's time to move. Fucking everybody roll out. You know, like we need to start picking up

the girly shit here because like, the boys are looking at them. They're looking at the girlier girls, not at me. So I need to go. We need to start moving, you know. So that was fine and I started playing that game a little bit. But internally it didn't feel right. Do you know what I mean? Internally, I was like, eh, I don't really feel like I'm being myself, but I also didn't even know what that meant at the time because I was what, 13. So deep down I knew something felt kind of off, but it's like, how much self-reflection can I do as a 13-year-old?

Not much. So I just kind of went with the flow of the whole thing. And, you know, I had some boys like me here and there, but I always felt like I was kind of the last choice in a way, or not even a choice at all. One middle school hit, I had a realization that I don't even think I realized that I realized, which was that I didn't really fit the stereotypical very much emulating the girls around me that the guys liked. And things that I was interested in kind of all went away because they didn't fit the mold

of what the other girls were doing. I used to be really into making claymation animations, making little animated videos out of clay. I used to be really into drawing even. Like there were so many things I was like really into. But then when I got to middle school, they didn't fit the mold of the girls that the guys liked. And so I threw all that away. I also hit puberty really late.

I didn't hit puberty until I was 16. I didn't get my period until I was 16 years old. So you can imagine how underdeveloped I looked, you know, in middle school especially. I was super short, had absolutely no curve in my body, like nothing, like no boob, no butt, no nothing. People used to call me, what do they call me?

I don't remember. There was some sort of like, guys used to make fun of me because I didn't have boobs and they would say that like, my, if I was like wearing a white shirt, they would say it looked like paper. Like I just looked like a piece of paper. Whatever, it's fine. Bullying is good sometimes.

No, I'm kidding. Bullying's never good. Don't do that. But I'm saying in my case, like I could fucking handle it. I was fine. Don't bully other people. But to the people who bullied me, I forgive you. Cause we're actually friends now.

Like I feel like I'm cool with all of them. So it's fine. But you know, it became very clear to me pretty early on in my life that I just did not fit the stereotypical mold of a woman. Now, that begs the question, what is the stereotypical mold of a woman? To me at that time, what a woman looked like was basically any famous hot

movie star female that the boys I had crushes on had hung up on the walls of their room like that was what a woman was like to me and I was just nothing of the sort now Obviously I'm 13, so it's like, okay, yeah, obviously you're not that, but I wasn't even close to that. I didn't even have an essence of that. And guess what, I didn't even have the potential

to become that, and I knew that by the time I was 13. I was like, I'm never gonna have big boobies and curves of any sort. I knew already. I was like, that's just, I'm just not built like that. Like I'm just not built like that. And I'm just never gonna be like that. And I'm also never gonna be somebody

that is really into wearing super feminine clothing. And, you know, I'm just, I'm never gonna be like that. And there's nothing wrong with either of them. You know, there's nothing wrong with either of them. Being a woman who, like, I mean, I think that at this point in our world, I think that most people that you would talk to would agree that all of that shit is outdated, and that we don't need to live life within those constraints anymore, right?

But at the time when I was 13, you know, nobody was talking about that. So I started to doubt myself as a woman, and I didn't take myself seriously as a woman. And it got even worse when people started to have their first case around eighth grade in middle school, and people started getting boyfriends, like serious boyfriends. I mean as serious as you can have an eighth grade. And I just was not catching up. Like, I just could not get there.

I just could not cross over. I didn't have the confidence to pursue that or try that. And I also didn't feel like anybody would want to date me anyway, because I didn't fit that mold. Now, in high school, it was bad because, of course, my obsessive crushes continued. Obsessive is really honestly doing myself a disservice because I was not obsessive, but I, in my opinion, I was obsessive, but I, it was not unhealthy by any means. I just really,

liked these boys. Like, I would just get so, like, I was so beside myself in love with them. Like, I would close my eyes at night and it was all I thought about, which to me seems obsessive, but I wasn't like fucking tracking their phones and like trying to figure out where they were and shit. Like not like that obsessive. I wasn't watching them sleep through their window.

Okay, I was just thinking about them 24, 7 all day and that was all I thought about all the time all day. In class, going to bed at night every when I was in the shower, not in a weird way, like but every second I was thinking about whoever I was having a crush on at that moment, which to me is obsessive. Now that I've defended myself, let's continue. In high school, I had my first kiss. This was an absolute train wreck because the reason why I decided to have my first kiss on the day that I did have my first kiss was because I was one of the last people in my

friend group to have their first kiss. It was a New Year's party and everybody was like, well, get it over with tonight. We have a perfect specimen. He's open to participating, just do it. So that's how I had my first kiss. And I remember in the moment of it, thinking, like, I'm not meant for this. Like I just am not, like, I'm not cut out for this.

Like I'm not good at being a woman. I'm not good at this stuff. I'm not confident. I don't have like this confident waitingness about me that I imagine that ideal woman does have I don't Look the way that I Should I didn't feel like worthy of Receiving any kind of male attention

You know Because I was like I don't fit the fucking mold. Like, why should any guy like me, or be interested in me, or even fucking kiss me, even if it's forced on New Year's, because I had not in my first kiss? Like, I didn't feel like I deserved appreciation in a way from men, because I didn't feel like I fit the mold. My first high school relationship that never even actually turned into a real relationship because it only

lasted two weeks absolutely went up in flames partially because I think that I had a crush on the idea of this boy rather than the actual you know reality of who he was not that he had a crush on the idea of this boy, rather than the actual reality of who he was, not that he's a bad guy, but just like he wasn't the type of guy I thought he was, right? So I think I kind of had a crush on the idea of him, which was the first misstep. But the second misstep was that once we started kind of going on dates in a way,

I just didn't have the confidence to behave like a normal human being because again, I just didn't feel like I was worthy. I felt like I was a phony almost. I was like, I'm not a real woman. Like, I don't have boobs, I don't have a butt. Like, I don't fucking, I don't know how to give off this like essence of hotness like in any fucking way.

Like, I don't know how to fucking do that. Like, I was like, I'm not prepared for this. Like, I don't fit the mold and I can't do it. Basically, every romantic situation I got myself into in high school blew up in flames because I felt so underqualified, you know. I felt underqualified physically because I felt like I didn't look at the part. I felt underqualified mentally because I felt like I didn't have the personality of a desirable woman. I felt like I wasn't

experienced enough as well because I had very few experiences because all of them had been stopped by my feeling of inadequacy. And it was just this absolute train wreck, you know? It was this absolute train wreck. And, you know, I also had a few bad experiences as well that kind of made it worse. Like I remember I had this massive crush sophomore year of high school on this guy and he was like this guy that a lot of girls liked and holy fuck I can't believe I'm telling this story. Wait, oh, this is kinda spicy, this is kinda spicy.

Okay. And basically, we were at a beach bonfire. And at these beach bonfires, like literally the whole point was that everybody would go and then they would just go fucking, like, somehow somebody would be like, yeah, I choose you. And then two people would go hide behind like a rock

and just like make out for like 15 minutes and then come out. Okay, so that's high school, which I don't miss in any way. Like what the fuck? Anyway, so I went to one of these beach bonfires and for whatever reason this guy chose me and I was like, oh fuck. Now meanwhile, I had only kissed two people prior to him. And I mean like, I had no experience, okay? I didn't know how to

fucking kiss a boy, barely. And it takes a little bit of practice, long story short, this dude like grabs my arm and just like starts walking and I'm like, oh my god, I'm so excited. Like I have a crush on this guy, but like I don't know what I'm doing. Like what am I gonna do? Meanwhile, this guy, but like I don't know what I'm doing like what am I gonna do Meanwhile this guy is like he's literally gone and like Dated girls in grades above us like he's like weirdly experienced and like whatever I don't know on what's a planet. He must have just been bored of all the girls that had boobs and just decided that he was in the mood for me this day whatever

I I Make that joke in the most respectful way possible like I'm not trying to be like insensitive I'm making fun of myself here, okay, and there's nothing wrong with not having big boobs. I love my boobs I have nothing against them. I'm just saying that, wait, I'm just realizing, I'm realizing that this is about to go on the internet. There's so much emotion going on. Anyway, okay, long story short, we go over there,

I'm shaking physically, like my hand is physically shaking. We kiss, it goes awful, it goes fucking awful. He steps back from me. He looks at me for like three seconds and just walks away and says nothing to me. I remember this like, oh my god, it was so bad you guys. It was bad. Like bad. that fucked me up. That fucked me up. That fucked me up for, oh, two years.

I literally was like, oh my God, I knew it. Like I'm not worthy of this. Like I'm not worthy of participating in this. Like I don't deserve this. Like I failed. You know? And so I went through a phase after that where I really just blocked boys out of my head. I pretty much shut off that whole part of my brain. I didn't even really have crushes anymore for like two years. I didn't literally look at a boy,

I didn't think about boy. I just boys did not exist to me after that for like two years. And then I got a crush on another boy because you know, you can't hide for long. And then that became my first boyfriend. And I think that my first relationship, my first real relationship did help me start to feel more comfortable with the whole concept of being, you know,

at all intimate with a guy and learning that like, hey, I can do it. I can do it and I'm, I deserve it, you know. I think that it's almost impossible to get comfortable with that without being in your first relationship. I don't think I would have ever had that kind of breakthrough if I hadn't my first relationship. I had to have that first relationship to truly rip the bandaid off, right? But the problem doesn't end there. Because although my first relationship helped me get over the intimacy boundary that I had, it didn't help with my self-esteem. My self-esteem was still pretty bad. And I think that my bad self-esteem

genuinely stemmed from the media, you know, like from the media, from YouTube and girls that I watched on YouTube and, you know, seeing beautiful women that had very stereotypically feminine bodies, like all these different things, right? And seeing girls at school who were, you know, fit the mold, then get the most attention. It was like all of that combined, just was so fucking hammered into my head that I just couldn't shake it.

It became the way that my brain worked. And so that followed me even after I had my first relationship and I got through a few of those obstacles. There were still many obstacles that needed to be navigated around. And most of them were mental. There are still many obstacles that needed to be navigated around. In most of them were mental. A few things that I noticed about my generally bad self-esteem was that my bad self-esteem caused

me to allow myself to be treated worse than I maybe deserved. Like in moments when I could have said to a guy, you know, can you stop being a fucking asshole? I just didn't say anything. Or in moments when, you know, I was being disrespected in any way by guys, I just like wouldn't speak up. And the thing that's so shitty about that is that not only did I get heard in that process,

but also those guys could have learned something from me. I could have been like, you can't fucking talk to people like that. You can't talk to women like that. You can't talk to anybody like that. I could have said, that's not the way that you behave in that scenario, et cetera, et cetera. They could have learned something and I could have gotten less hurt, but that didn't happen because I had zero spine. I also never showed my true personality in relationships because I was always trying to be this ideal woman.

Right? So like, I would only show interests that I had to guys that I was talking to or dating that I thought that they would think was impressive. You know, I wasn't fully authentically myself. I was just showing bits and pieces of me that I thought that they would make me seem like the ideal woman. And I wasn't necessarily lying about who I was. It was more that I was selective about what sides of myself that I would choose to show.

And I think, you know, through more relationship experiences throughout my older life, you know, and having more freedom to be really, truly myself in all ways, I've been able to release that fear that I'll be rejected if I'm not the ideal woman. And I've learned to appreciate like my body exactly as it is, you know, it's like I might not have the body of, you know, cat woman in her suit with her, you know, more curvacious body. I might not have that. That's okay. I don't fucking care anymore.

I'm over it. I'm like, I'm over it. And guess what? My mindset has changed now, where I'm like, listen, you get what you get with me. All or nothing. And I think the other thing that helped me reach this place was just simply getting fed up

of feeling like I needed to alter who I was, to please guys, when in reality, I don't think that the guys fucking care. I don't think that they care. I can't speak for them, but I do not think that they care. I can't speak for them, but I do not think that they care. I don't think that guys are expecting a fucking, like, stereotypical idea of a woman. I don't think that they're expecting anything.

Like, you know, I think they're just expecting whatever makes the most sense to them in that given moment, whoever makes the most sense to them in that given moment, whoever makes the most sense to them in that given moment, whoever fits their criteria for a significant other at that given moment. It's not about the stupid surface level shit. It's not about fitting some sort of feminine mold or fitting any mold in general. It's about genuine human connection and the special connection that humans share that we can't even really explain

within relationships. That's what people are seeking, not fucking like any kind of stupid, external factor, you know? The thing that makes us individuals so special is the fact that we're all so different. We all have very different backgrounds, very different interests, very different styles, very different views on life.

That's what makes being human such a rich experience is that there's so many different types of people. And, you know, the perfect significant other for you is going to look very different than your best friend and it's going to look very different than your neighbor. You know what I mean? Like, it's just not as simple as fitting a mold. And I always felt like I needed to fit that mold. And guess what it did? It stopped me from truly getting to know the guys I had crushes on. And it stopped me from having a not awkward kiss in high school.

I could have definitely gone for like a genuinely good, fun kiss in high school. Like I definitely could have done that. Like I definitely would have liked to have done that. But instead every single experience I had was extremely awkward and uncomfortable for me and not enjoyable whatsoever because I was so concerned about the fact that I

did not fit the right mold. Don't take a shot every time I say mold, please, because there will be death involved. But anyway, the moral of the story is there are a lot of molds in our world. There's the mold of the stereotypical ideal man, the mold of the stereotypical ideal woman, the mold of the stereotypical ideal mother, father, grandmother, uncle, everything. Everything has a fucking mold, right?

Even things like art have a mold. Learning to accept that you're never going to fit perfectly into those molds is one of the most freeing things you can do for yourself. Because it allows you to truly lean into who you really are, regardless of what it looks like, so that you can accept yourself and feel confident in your own skin, so that you can experience life to the fullest and have fun. I didn't have fucking fun for so long, because I was so concerned that I didn't fit the mold of a woman. You know?

I stopped myself from experiencing so many fun different things. You know, because I just felt like there was something wrong with me. You know? There was something wrong with me, you know. And the funny thing about it is, is that, you know, all of these molds are just stupid and pointless anyway. Like, they're not real. They're not a real thing. They're limitations that are put on by our own imagination.

They're not a real thing. And I think that once you look at it like that, it's so much easier to say, well, then fuck with that. Like fuck all of that. Fuck it. Oh, oh, fuck it. I don't want any of that. Also, by the way, I don't know what type of like the words that just came out of my mouth, two sentences prior to this one. I like, I just came out of my mouth two sentences prior to this one. I like there was definitely some sort of mix up like with my body. When the words were coming out, the way it came out just sounded real scary to me and concerning. But anyway, I think that that's all I got for today guys. I really just wanted to talk about this because it's just something

that I've struggled with throughout my life up until recently. And although it's kind of hard to avoid, I think that it can be comforting to hear if it's something that you're struggling with now, that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I think that you absolutely grow out of it. You evolve out of it. And you really learn to appreciate your own individuality and what makes you who you are. And I think that something that I've more recently

become proud of within myself is that I don't care about what stereotypical mold something fits into. If I enjoy it, I'm going to enjoy it. I don't care if it's a deemed girly or it's fucking deemed like whatever. Like shut the fuck up. Like shut up with all of that. It's stupid. I don't care. And I don't care if people make assumptions about me. You know, based on things that I'm interested in or things that I like. I know who I am within my core, and I know what I like, and I'm not gonna let anything get in my way. You know, like there's no reason to do that. If I wanna dress a certain way,

because it makes me feel good, I'm gonna do that. And if other people are like, oh well, she's kind of dressing like a boy or she's kind of, you know, it's like that's the dumbest shit I've ever heard in my life. And I know that this is a conversation that's been happening broadly, you know, in the world and on the internet for a while now. But I just wanted to, you know, to say that just because it's something that we've been talking about

more on the internet doesn't mean that it's not something that we still struggle with. These stereotypes are still very prominent, whether we like it or not. And although I don't think that they're necessarily... I don't know if they're necessarily avoidable. I don't know, I don't know if they're necessarily avoidable. I don't know. I don't know. I think that they're very ingrained in us and I think that to a certain extent, you know, there's nothing we can do about it, but I think that it's about rejecting it yourself and

just making the decision to ignore them as much as you possibly can. And on that note, thank you guys for listening. I really enjoyed this episode. I hope that you guys had fun. I hope that you guys gained something from this in some way. I appreciate you all so much for coming back and listening. I really appreciate you guys more than you know. And I'll talk to you next week. See ya!