anything goes with emma chamberlain - the rules we learned as kids... are BS?

Episode Date: January 26, 2023

remember when you were a child and constantly had adults telling you what the rules were? don’t lie, don’t steal... don’t do this, don’t do that. when we’re children, we’re constantly being reminded of certain rules and principles that we’re supposed to follow no matter what. and i think that’s important! but i think in our late teens and early adulthood, we have to take it upon ourselves to find nuance in these rules. i’ve actually struggled in my life a little bit because i’ve felt this internal pressure to follow these fundamental rules i learned as a kid, and there was never a check-in moment where an adult told me that things aren’t always so black and white. i’ve sort of had to figure this out on my own. so today i’m gonna discuss a few of my discoveries about these rules, and i think there are some things that could even be beneficial to unlearn as an adult. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello Remember when you were a child and Constantly you had adults telling you what the rules were Go to bed by 9 p.m. Don't talk badly behind people's backs Be friends with everybody be nice to everybody Don't lie don't steal Don't hurt anyone

Don't do this don't do that When we're children we're constantly being reminded of certain rules and principles that we're supposed to follow no matter what. And I think that this is important. You know, the things that we learn as kids, the principles that we learn as kids, follow us throughout our lives and Become ingrained in our minds in a way that I think is good in a lot of ways, you know

children are very Supple to information, you know children are like information sponges and I think that if we didn't teach kids these information sponges. And I think that if we didn't teach kids these values and these principles, then it would be a lot harder to teach them as adults, you know? It's a lot easier to teach a kid something. I think that it is to teach an adult. That's why they have the saying,

don't try to teach a dog or new tricks. Wait, don't teach an old dog new tricks. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. Whatever that fucking saying is that saying exists for a reason because children are just so much more malleable. They are building who they are. And it's a lot easier to change things when you're building than to change things when things are already built. I will say that a lot of the values, principles, rules that we learn as kids are given to us without any nuance. And we're supposed to just take them as fact. And I think that for a child, that makes sense because children are not fully developed

human beings yet. You know, their brains can't comprehend as much nuance. And so teaching kids simple rules to life is the only way that they could possibly absorb those rules. But I think in early adulthood, and maybe even in teenage years, we have to take it upon ourselves to find nuance in these rules that we've been taught as children. Because although all of these or majority of these rules that were taught are true and should be followed and listened to, I guess, they shouldn't be ignored. Although there's value to these things that were told as kids, they do need nuance. I kind of think of it like this.

The stuff that we learn as kids is like an outline of a drawing, just the black ink, no color, right? Just the outline. And then as we grow up, we fill in this drawing with color. So it becomes a full picture. And you know, the picture will never fully be completed because we're always learning more and evolving our moral compass and whatever it may be as we grow up. And it's always kind of altering and changing. We're always kind of adding to the drawing or maybe erasing something. But over the course of your life, the sort of principles that you live by and the rules that you live by become more and more solidified and they become more of a full picture.

But as a 21-year-old, I feel like I'm coloring in my little picture. And I think it's really interesting how many of the things that we learn as kids need to be taken with a grain of salt as an adult. But because we learn these things as kids, we can sort of put ourselves in a corner and feel like, you know, we have to follow these rules no matter what.

But I think that there are exceptions and there are just nuances that we need to become aware of. I've actually struggled in my life a little bit because I've felt this internal pressure to follow these fundamental rules that I learned as a kid. And there was never a checking moment where an adult comes to me and says, hey, by the way, the things that you learned as a kid actually have some conditions that you should understand because not everything is as black and white as it seemed you know when you were a child. So I've sort of had to figure this out on my own and today I'm just

going to discuss some of my discoveries about these certain rules that we were told as children to take as Bible. And I think there are some things that can be beneficial to unlearn in a way. Okay, let's just get into it. The first thing that we were told as kids is that we must not gossip. Oh, this is a tough one. This is a tough one for me. I did a little bit of research and I found an article on time.com that said, some researchers

argue that gossip help our ancestors survive. They also mentioned that it was a means of bonding, and that gossip, in a broad sense, plays a number of different roles in the maintenance of socially functioning groups through time. I think that in a way, we might be sort of programmed to gossip. I think it might be something that we can't fully avoid. I think it's something that's ingrained in our minds to do.

I mean, don't get me wrong. Gossip is complicated because if you gossip too much, you feel bad about yourself. If you gossip in unsafe environments with people who you can't trust, that information might get back to the person that you're gossiping about. And all of those things are bad. All of those things can lead to some sort of chaos. I mean, we've all at least once in our lives experienced talking shit about somebody

and then getting back to them and then it being catastrophic. There's no worse feeling than finding out that your gossip got back to the person who you were talking about. And I think that the line between good gossiping and healthy gossiping and almost borderline therapeutic gossiping and bad toxic unhealthy gossiping, there's a fine line between those

things, which is why I think we're taught as kids. Don't gossip at all because when you're a child, you can't distinguish where the line is between good gossiping and bad gossiping. There's no way because only with experience and maturity can you figure out where that line is. But here's the thing. I think that making it a goal to never gossip at all, maybe isn't the right idea because I think that gossiping is a healthy part of socializing to a certain extent.

For example, I think we gossip as a way to release anger and frustration. If we feel frustrated or angry at somebody, we might decide to take our anger out in private with another person, so our anger out in private with another person. So I guess not in private, but we might decide to take our anger out through gossiping rather than to this person's face, which might actually be a positive thing. Let's say someone in your life is pissing you off, right?

And so you go to one of your close friends or maybe a close family member whom you trust more than anything and you just vent, you just talk shit, you just get it all off your chest. Releasing that anger and releasing that frustration is so beneficial because then when you encounter this person again that you're frustrated with, you don't have all this pent up anger and frustration. You let that out in a safe environment. And you might even have worked through some of your anger and frustration and resolved some of it through gossiping.

So now when you're face to face with the person that you're frustrated with or angry with, you can now approach them with less hostility in a way because you got all of that shit out in a safe environment. And maybe you even worked through it. And maybe you even eliminated some of your anger and some of your frustration. I think that that is a good thing. I think that that's a good thing. I think that getting your anger and frustration out through gossip can allow you to sort of express yourself in a way that you couldn't to the person's face. Or you could, but it would be not good. You know, that would not be good, right? It allows you to fully express yourself. Because if you don't let out your anger and frustration, it just stays pent up inside of you. If you just keep it a secret, you don't let out your anger and frustration, it just stays pent up inside of you.

If you just keep it a secret, you don't speak it out into existence and work through it. Then it just stays in your body, you know, and it doesn't release. And it might release at a time that's not good, which might be to someone's face in a way that's maybe irrational or hurtful or too powerful, you know what I mean? So I think in that way gossiping can be actually a valuable thing and maybe even be the right thing to do at times. Also, I think gossiping is valuable because it allows you to analyze other people's behavior with other people whom you trust in theory so that you can learn more about human behavior as a whole, but also you can learn more about yourself too.

You know, I'm really guilty of this. Like I do this a lot. And maybe I do it too much, actually. There's a chance because I do this a lot. I am constantly analyzing other people's behavior. I mean, I'll call my mom or my dad, or even like one of my closest, closest, closest friends. Like I'm talking about borderline family member type friends,

you know, because these are the people I trust the most. And I really truly believe that they wouldn't go and tell anybody that I'm talking about them. But I go to these people and I call them and I just analyze a person. I discuss some of their behavior that I maybe didn't like or didn't appreciate or didn't agree with or whatever. And I talk about it with these people that I'm close with and I share what I think this behavior is a reflection of. You know, I try to crack the code and figure it out. And the people I'm talking to helped me do that by providing their own sort of life experience and their own knowledge and wisdom

that they acquired through their life. And together we sort of figure out why people behave the way that they do. And that can help you learn more about yourself, whether it's, oh, I don't want to act like that. I don't want to behave like that. Or it's like, wait a minute. Part of the behavior that I don't like in this person actually exists in me too, and maybe that's why I don't like it,

because I see a little bit of myself in this person that I don't really like. And wow, I wanna work on eliminating that from my personality or whatever, like it or not personality, I guess, but I wanna eliminate that habit, I guess, or that bad quality somehow. You know what I mean?

It can be really helpful. In last but not least, I think God's being helps us bond with other people, with the people that we're close to, God's being in a way, and analyzing other human beings, and analyzing situations, helps us bond with other people, because we're working through a problem

together you know we're sort of trying to figure out something how we can eliminate our anger uh... why these people are doing what they're doing that we don't like why what this person did wasn't good right all of that helps us bond with other people. So there are some benefits to gossiping, and I think to a certain extent, healthy amounts of gossiping shouldn't be

something that you feel guilty about necessarily. At least in my opinion, although, as I mentioned earlier, the line is blurred because gossiping too much, too often, too frequently, gossiping irresponsibly to the wrong people who you can't trust. All of those things are bad habits. You don't want to be doing that because those things don't lead to anything good. Gossiping too much makes you feel like shit about yourself. It makes you feel guilty. It makes you feel like you don't have anything

positive to offer if you do it too much, you know? It can have some negative consequences on your self-esteem. But it can also be socially negative, you know, if you're gossiping to the wrong people. Because number one, you don't want your whole identity to be somebody who's gossiping all the time. And so if you're gossiping to people who don't know you super closely and intimately, they only have a vague idea of who you are, then their idea of you is like, oh, this is somebody

who gossip's all the fucking time. Like that's a bummer, you know? And you don't want that to be your identity. And on top of that, if you're God's been to people who you aren't that close with, they might go and tell the person that you're God's being about, that you're God's being about them because they don't have any like allegiance to you. They're not close with you like people

who are close with you. They don't feel loyalty to you in that way. And so they might go and tell people about what you're saying. And that's not good either because the last thing you want is and that's not good either because The last thing you want is your gossip to get back to the person although I do try to gossip in ways where I'm like listen If it did get back to the person Maybe it would not be a terrible thing, you know

Maybe it would actually be beneficial for them in some way That's the way I try to look at my own gossiping routine is like for the most part I like to say things that would maybe help somebody if it got back to them. But that's only 80% of the time. The other 20% of the time is me just being like, dude, this person sucks. I can't handle it. And just getting that off my chest makes me feel better.

It helps me release that feeling so that I can move on with my life. The next thing that adults tell us is that we must respect adults and that we should not question their behavior. When we're kids, we kind of look at adults as God. You know, it's like adults are a higher power than us in a way. And we are below them in a sense. Like, everything that they say is true, everything that they tell us to do, we should do. And I think that that is necessary to a certain extent because a world where kids don't have adults telling them what to do would be kind of catastrophic. I think a lot of kids would die and get hurt and kill each other.

Who knows? Like when you're a kid, you're not developed. So you need something or someone to be a higher power above you or else, you know, kids would just run them up like we need that. We need to be taught to respect adults to a certain extent. But the thing is, is that this can be damaging in adulthood because once you become an adult too, you have to shed that belief in a way that we must respect all adults and not question their behavior. Because once we become adults, we don't need that belief anymore.

It doesn't serve a purpose as much anymore. We are now adults. And don't get me wrong. Part of the statement remains true. I think completely writing off older people as out of touch, in old fashioned, and bad, and evil, and whatever prevents us from taking advice from them. And there is truly a lot of valuable wisdom in our elders. So I think that part should remain true in our minds. You know, we shouldn't

completely write off adults as just being old fashioned and shitty and blah, blah, blah. But also we don't need to take everything that adults tell us to do as Bible because as adults we have to go our own way and adults or our elders, you know, may have ideas about how we should go on with our lives, but nobody knows what the right way to live your life is, but you, you know, nobody, nobody other than you can make that decision. And on top of that, not everything that adults say is right or true. An adult might come to you and say, you have to go to college because if you don't, you're going to be a failure and you're going to be a loser and you're not

going to have a job and you're going to die. That's not necessarily true. I think that as an adult, we should look at our elders and think, okay, listen, they do have wisdom and life experience that's valuable to me. But they also might have thoughts, opinions, or even demands that are unreasonable. And it's up to you as an adult to look at other adults and to weed through what they're saying or doing or thinking and take the parts that serve you and that align with you and then leave everything else behind. The truth is adults don't know everything either. As kids, we kind of feel like, oh adults know everything. They are the epitome of knowledge. They're all just human dictionaries and they know everything and human atlas. I don't fucking doubt. Like they're

like, they're just a human textbook. They know everything. What don't they know? But then when you're an adult, yourself, you're like, wait a minute, I'm an adult now and I don't fucking know everything. And neither do they. So, you know, there are gonna be times when adults give bad advice. There are gonna be times when adults do something mean or wrong. There are gonna be times when adults have the complete wrong idea about something. And that's just because they're human. Adults are human, just like us. And not everything that our elders do and say

should be taken completely to heart and should be taken as Bible. They have a rational outbursts, they have terrible opinions, they fuck up sometimes, but they also might have something valuable to offer as well. And so I think it's our responsibility to take everything adults do and say

with a grain of salt as an adult. And not to mention, take everything that everyone say with a grain of salt as an adult. And not to mention, take everything that everyone does with a grain of salt as an adult. Once we become adults, we must add a lot of grains of salt to everything. You know, it's okay to stand up to adults and to say, no, you know what, I disagree. It's okay to hear something that an adult says to you and say, you know what, I don't agree and I'm not gonna do what they said because I don't agree with them.

It's okay to do all of that. One of the amazing parts about becoming an adult is that we can sort of let go of taking our elders words as Bible and that's such a freeing feeling. And it's one of the most amazing parts about becoming an adult is developing your own individual thought and opinion on things. So there's that. Another thing that we're told as kids is that we must be friends with everybody. We must not exclude anyone.

Okay, this is complicated because in an ideal world, everybody would feel included all the time and everybody would feel like they have a social group that they fit into. And there would be no drama. You know, there would be no need to exclude somebody sometimes. There'd be no moment when you're excluded, you know. But I think that this is just an unrealistic expectation. I think this is an important rule for kids to follow because a lot of kids grow up going to school, you know, they're going to school. And in a school environment, it is important to try to be friends with as many people at your school as going to school. And in a school environment, it is important to try to be friends

with as many people at your school as you possibly can. And it's a good idea to be on good terms with as many people as possible, because you're kind of shoved with the same people every single day. And so I think that this is a good thing to teach children. But once you're an adult and you're in the real world and you're not the real world and

You're not confined to your school for your social interaction, you know, you have a lot more Options and freedom in a way. I think that this topic becomes a little bit more complicated because as an adult You don't need to be friends with anyone you don't want to be friends with. Obviously, being respectful and kind to people, whether you like them or not, should be the goal, but you don't have to be friends with people you don't want to be friends with. And I struggled with this for a long time because I would feel like I didn't want to be friends with somebody anymore once I became an adult. And I would feel immense guilt about this. And I would stay in friendships or in friend groups with people where the relationship was taking a negative toll on me, but I would feel a guilt

to stay in that friendship, even when it was negatively impacting me in some way, because I was remembering this principle that I learned as a kid that we should be friends with everybody. Friendship is something we must hold on to and whatever. I just like kept hearing that narrative in the back of my head and so I'd feel guilty about walking away from a friendship when I felt like it had a negative impact on me. And it's interesting because I've noticed that this is something that we seem to judge about others as well. Like on the internet, for example, or in the public eye, when people stop being friends, they stop hanging out. It's like a big deal. You know, like, oh, they don't hang out anymore. They're not friends anymore.

I wonder which person in this friendship is a piece of shit. It's sort of assumed, I guess, that if a friendship didn't work out, or even a relationship for that matter, but we're not really talking about that right now, if a friendship didn't work out, that like, somebody must have done something really wrong or whatever. But the truth is, is that sometimes a friendship just doesn't work out. It just doesn't work out for whatever fucking reason. And like, that doesn't mean that anything necessarily super bad happened between you and the person. It might just mean that it just didn't work out anymore, you know?

It's normal and natural for us to just not like certain people. And for some people to just not like us, forcing yourself into a friendship because you feel like you have to be friends with everybody or because you feel too guilty to walk away from the friendship because you feel like you're not supposed to, that is not healthy because it causes you to, number one, gossip a lot.

Because when you're in a friendship that you don't really want to be in, you're probably gossiping about them a lot. I've been there where I found myself in these friendships that were driving me crazy or making me feel bad about myself in some way. And instead of walking away from the friendship and saying, you know what, this is not serving me anymore. I'm going to walk away. I would find myself calling my mom or dad or whoever every time after I'd hang out with this group or these people or whoever. And I would just gossip about it. And because I couldn't help myself, I needed to

get it out of my system somehow. But what I found is it's like, no, allow yourself to walk away. Allow yourself not to be friends with people that you don't want to be friends with, because that eliminates so much negativity from your life. You don't have to hang out with them, which is a positive thing. And you also don't have to go and talk shit about these people afterwards

in order to release the frustration from your system. We don't need to be friends with everybody. We don't need to like everybody. And on the other hand, not everybody needs to like us. When we're growing up, we're sort of taught that like being excluded, whether you're excluding others or they're excluding you is bad and wrong. And everybody should always be included.

And I do think that for children, this is a good thing, because I think that kids need to learn to get past their differences with others, and maybe be able to be friends through it. I also think kids are just a lot more simple in so many ways, and so there's a lot more potential for a kid not to like another kid for just no reason. And then for them to end up becoming friends later,

I think that this makes sense, you know, not excluding other kids and stuff like that. Like that's a good principle for kids to learn. But as an adult, it's a little bit different. Including everybody on your plans and in your plans as an adult, I feel like isn't as relevant anymore, you know, because adults are adults and they can handle themselves. And so if they don't get invited to something or whatever, or they get excluded from something, I mean, it's an adult's responsibility to handle that. I think with kids, it's like, kids might not be able to handle that as well, but adults, yes, I think we do have to be able to handle that. If you want to exclude somebody from, you know, dinner plans or something like that, because the person that you're excluding brings a terrible energy and isn't

nice to everyone and isn't fun to be around. I think as an adult, you should be allowed to do that. I think as an adult, you should be allowed to do that. And on the other hand, if you get excluded from something, as an adult, you shouldn't necessarily look at yourself as the victim in that situation. I mean, I think it depends, obviously, it's very situational. Like let's say all your friends go out to dinner and you get excluded. And you're like, what? That might hurt your feelings.

And rightfully so. But I think the thing is, when you're an adult, you have the life experience and this sort of brain power to analyze why. Like, wait, why did they exclude me? And you also have the ability as an adult, I think, to go to your friends and have a meaningful conversation about why they excluded you from dinner. Hey, why did you guys go to dinner without me?

You know I'm in town, you know I'm free tonight. Why did you not invite me? And that might teach you something about you. And maybe they say, well, because we've noticed that you just complain about everything all might. Whenever we go to dinner, you're rude to the waitress and it makes us uncomfortable and you're really negative. Like all you do is tell negative stories and like, we just don't like being around that.

That sort of conversation can lead you to some realizations that can make you an even better person. And in that way, sometimes being excluded can be a good thing. But also, sometimes people just exclude you for no fucking reason. They're just like, and we just don't fuck with that person. That's part of life. There might be times when you're excluded,

or you exclude somebody, and you're like, I don't even know if there's a reason. There's kind of no reason. It just, eh. And that's okay, I think. I think. I don't know. There's been times when I've been excluded, and I reason to just, eh. And that's okay, I think, I think. I don't know, there's been times when I've been excluded and I've been like, damn, okay, well.

All right, like I guess, you know, maybe this friendship just didn't work out. I, you know, I guess this just isn't working out, you know? And that's okay. It weeds out who are real friends, who are people that maybe aren't real friends. And I think that as an adult, excluding and not being friends with everybody

is necessary and normal and healthy in a way to a certain extent in regards to more lightweight, lighthearted social interactions. Obviously, there are exceptions. There are exceptions, I would say, but I'm talking about more generic social interaction. Not everybody's gonna like you. You're not gonna like everybody,

and that's just the way shit is. As an adult, the way that you navigate through that is gonna be different than the way that you did as a kid. I really need to stop saying, you know, after everything, but it's because if you really think about what I'm doing right now as I'm recording this podcast, I'm talking to myself, I'm looking at my wall.

I'm looking straight at the wall. I'm talking to no one. Well, I'm not talking to no one, I'm talking to you, but I'm in this very moment, I'm not talking to anybody. And part of me like really wants reassurance that what I'm saying to you, but I'm in this very moment, I'm not talking to anybody. And part of me like really wants reassurance that what I'm saying makes sense, but no one's here. So I'm saying, you know, just into the void just because I'm subconsciously like looking

for somebody to say, no, what you're saying makes sense? But unfortunately nobody's here and I am alone. And I love it this way. But that's why I constantly say you know, you know It's just about habit. It's just about habit. Okay moving on Adults also teach us that we must dream of a traditional life. The traditional life is school job family die We know this structure all too well, right?

We're told as kids. Okay, listen you guys, this is how it works. Okay, you go to school and you work really hard at school so that you can get a good job and you can make money. And then somehow in this time, you know, you find Bay and then you have a family. You have kids, you adopt children and one way or another you have a family with children involved. And then you die. And that's it. Now, here's the thing. I don't think it's necessarily wrong that we're fed this sort of structure as children because I think to a certain extent, teaching us this life trajectory at a young age is kind of crucial because I do think that there's value to going to school and completing school as a means to eventually make money

and then after that point, you know, do whatever. I think that we need that structure to a certain extent in order to motivate us to go to school and work towards becoming a functioning member of society. Like, I guess that is sort of valuable to a certain extent because imagine we didn't have that. Imagine we weren't taught as kids, okay, here's how life works.

You know, we go to school, we get a job, we have a family, we die. Imagine we're not taught that at all. What would the motivation be to go to school, we get a job, we have a family, we die. Imagine we're not taught that at all. What would the motivation be to go to school? You know what I mean? What would the motivation be to whatever? And listen, there may be some people out there thinking, well, there's a problem, I don't agree with the structure. In the first place, the fact that we have to work

to make money, or the fact that we have to go to make money, you know, or the fact that we have to go to a good college to whatever. Listen, there may be some of you out there who think that the school job family die structure is inhumane in some ways. Maybe some of you might think that. Some of you might think that it's unfair. Some of you might think that it's toxic to teach children that this is the sort of trajectory that life goes. But I think that its value is that it sort of teaches us at a young age what we're working towards. Do I think that the narrative for kids could be shifted a little bit? Sure. You know, instead of saying, it's school, job, family, die, it's maybe school, job,

maybe family, and die. You know, I think the way that it's taught to us is very rigid and very matter of fact. I think it maybe could be taught to us like, yeah, when you go to school, after high school, you know, you can kind of choose what you want to do. There are some options like you don't need to go to college or maybe you want to go to a trade school or maybe you want to take a few years off school and go back to school

later and just like, you know, and then when you get a job, you know, maybe you want to be self-employed, but maybe you don't and maybe you want to go work for this type of company or whatever. And then the way that your family looks might look different than some other families. But having some sort of family is a natural part of what we do as humans. And obviously inevitably we die.

I think that we're taught this sort of trajectory very rigidly. And I think that, yes, it would be valuable to teach kids, okay, there's some flexibility here though. This is kind of how shit works, but there is some flexibility here. It's taught to us to give us a level of structure, but I think that a lot of us can become obsessed with this perfect trajectory. I was one of these people when I was younger, where I was so obsessed with following this trajectory

perfectly, right? I was so obsessed with working my ass off at school to try to go to a good college, maybe get a scholarship. You know, I don't know, like for, I don't think I was marred it up. But I thought at the time, I mean, I was okay. I wasn't like, I don't think I was, to get a fucking school scholarship at this point in life,

like you need to be a fucking genius. I'm not a genius in a school, I'm not a genius. Okay, like I don't think that I had that quality, but I was obsessed with getting into a good school and then getting a high paying job, getting a job so I could finally feel financially free in some way. And I was willing to go to college for eight extra years. This was like my initial plan, obviously,

it did not end up going that way. But my initial plan for life was like okay I'm gonna go to school and I'm gonna go to a really good college for a long time because the job path that I wanted to take was in the medical field and I was like well I'm gonna have to go to school for like eight extra years but I'm gonna do it and then I'm gonna get this job that is high paying then it's gonna be worth it and then I'm gonna have a family and I'm gonna be able to live in a house with more than one fucking bathroom

for the first time in my life. And then I'm going to have my family and my kids are gonna follow the exact same path and then I'm going to die and I'm going to whatever. And I was so obsessed with this path and getting it perfect. I was so obsessed with getting it perfect, you know? And not everybody probably has this problem where they are obsessed with nailing this trajectory

perfect. But I was one of the people that did. I was obsessed with it to an unhealthy point, you know, to a point that was obsessive and was actually negatively impacting me because any time anything would not go my way and would feel like it was taking me further away from that goal I would freak out like if I wouldn't get a good grade on a test I was like this whole trajectory I have laid out in my mind for the future is not ruined because I just did bad on this one test You see, I'm saying and the truth is Doing bad on a test every once in a while is not a fucking bad thing.

It's not a bad thing. Not getting straight A's is not a bad thing. Not getting into your dream college is not a bad thing. Not going to college at all is not a bad thing. It's like following this trajectory perfectly is not the right idea, but we're kind of top that as a kid that we should strive to follow that trajectory perfectly.

The truth is, the loose idea of that trajectory is valid to a certain extent. It's actually a good thing to have that structure. But when you ingrain it into children too rigidly, it becomes toxic. And so as an adult, I think, or even a teenager, honestly, this can apply also to teenagers. I think as a teenager and young adult, it's up to you to sort of say, no, you know what? I'm going to take this loose trajectory and I'm going to alter it in ways that excite me and that will lead me to living a life that's fulfilling and exciting and perfect for me as an individual. Your life truly is a blank canvas, and it was so hard for me to figure this out

because I had been so bogged down with this perfect life trajectory for so long and it dictated everything I did for so many years that teaching myself that there's no exact perfect path. You don't need to follow this trajectory perfectly. This was a challenge for me, but it's so freeing to pull yourself out of that box and to say, listen, my life is sort of a blank canvas. I can kind of do whatever I want with it. Now listen, in the world that we live in today, it is important to go to school, I think,

to a certain extent. I don't think you need to go beyond a certain point, but I think school to a certain point is very important. There's a lot to be learned at school, right? So I think that that loosely is valuable. Obviously, you know, you can't really survive unless you have a job in some way. So loosely, I think that that, again, makes sense. And everybody's version of family is different. So the sort of family that you go and have as an adult,

it might be a group of friends and it might be a family where you know you're married and you have 10 kids. Who fucking knows? But you don't have to look at this trajectory in any certain type of way. Yes, this trajectory sort of is true, but it's not true in the way that we think it is. Like, we look at it like, well, we have to go to a really prestigious college and get a really high-paying job that's really impressive, and then we have to have the perfect family where, you know, we have three kids and they all are so smart. My youngest plays violin. My middle child is a little bit edgy. They play hockey and my oldest is a furniture designer who went to school in New York City for furniture design and they are all just absolute

dreams come true. They're all best friends, all the kids, and they love each other and their best friends. And then I'm going to die, but I'm going to die at an old age because I'm so healthy, and I take all my vitamins, and that is my life. You know, like that sort of epitome of like what this reject recipe is supposed to look like is just so false. We're fed that, but it's so false. As adults, we have to find this perfect middle ground where we can look at this trajectory, but look at it loosely enough where we still see life as a blank canvas. Do you see what I'm saying? We don't have to dream of this perfect traditional life. That's the moral of the story. We't have to dream of this perfect traditional life.

That's the moral of the story. We're taught to dream of it. We're taught to strive towards it, but we don't have to. And we can switch things around to serve us in whatever way that we feel fit. On top of that, I also have to mention that there's nothing wrong with also wanting to strive for that traditional path. Because I think that right now, there's a lot of people who are like, fuck that.

I don't wanna do that. I'm gonna rebel against this path as much as I can. Listen, that's fine too. Don't get me wrong. That's fine. It's fine to wanna rebel against that sort of structure that we were taught. But at the same time, if you enjoy the idea of that structure

and the idea of that structure makes you happy and you want to strive towards that. There's also nothing wrong with that. As I said before, your life is a blank canvas. So if you want to go and live the stereotypical perfect life, that might be perfect for you and that might be exactly what makes you happy. And there's nothing wrong with that and there's nothing basic and boring about that. There's nothing wrong with it. And there's nothing basic and boring about that. There's nothing wrong with it.

But also, if you want to completely flip the structure on its head and do everything sort of untraditionally and go a completely different direction, that's OK too. As long as you're being responsible as much as you can and you're holding yourself accountable to make sure that through it all you're not just like deciding, okay, I'm done with school. Now I'm going to go party in Las Vegas for the next five years. You know what I mean? Obviously, let's say you do do that, you can fucking figure

it out. You can figure it out. You can turn that around or something. You know, if you end up taking the wrong path for a little bit or something, you can always turn it around or something. If you end up taking the wrong path for a little bit or something, you can always turn it around. But I think as long as you are working towards a positive life in some way, that will make you happy and will provide you with what you need to feel fulfilled and happy and taking care of, then that's a good thing. But there's no specific right way to do it. Last but not least, we're taught as kids not to judge other people. Now I think that this is, again, a really good thing

because as children, we're not able to figure out what's appropriate to say and what's not. We don't have that quality. We're not developed enough in our brains to be able to do that, right? And so if we were taught as kids, it's okay to judge other people, then we would probably end up saying shit that's mean

to other people. We would probably end up treating people badly who were judging, like maybe somebody who, you know, dresses unusual or has something unusual about them, which by the way, we all have something kind of unusual about us. There's almost nobody who doesn't. And so I think it's important to teach kids, don't judge anyone. Don't judge people.

But I think that as an adult, this can kind of get tricky because it's human nature to judge people. We can't help ourselves. When we look at somebody, for the first time, we've never seen them before and we look at them, we judge them out of just nature. It just happens. It just happens. It's human nature. We cannot stop our brain from judging people internally. We can't. We cannot help it. It's just automatic. It's automatic sometimes.

In a way, it's how we protect ourselves. For example, let's say we're walking down the street alone late at night. And we notice that somebody's following behind us. Of course you're going to judge that person. Why? Because you're trying to figure out if they're following you and if they're going to try to, I don't know, kill you or something like, you know, it's human nature to judge to a certain extent. But I think that as an adult, it's important to learn that having silent judgment about others is nothing to feel guilty about because I have found myself feeling guilty about judgments that I have sort of that are out of my control

and that are automatic, but that's nothing to feel guilty about. It's not about what judgments you have in the silence and safety of your own mind. It's about how you act upon your judgments. And it's about whether or not you take your judgments as facts. Like when I judge somebody, I don't ever take that as a fact. I acknowledge it and I let it pass. And then I allow people to sort of show me who they are. You know, I'm aware that I have judgments. And sometimes they're right and sometimes they're wrong. But I'm not taking them as a fact and I'm also not acting upon them.

For example, let's say I see somebody who is so the opposite of me. Maybe they're like a frat boy or something or like, you know what I mean? They're like a college boy wearing a football jersey, you know, who like, that's just not somebody that I would necessarily be inclined to talk to, just because I'm just not interested in that.

I don't care about sports. I don't always enjoy people being super loud or whatever, and stereotypically, the sort of frat boy, football boys are loud and obnoxious and all this, right? So let's say I see somebody from across the room and I have this judgment about that person. I'm like, hmm, they're probably loud and annoying and obsessed with sports and that's probably all they want to talk about and like, eh, you know,

I'll acknowledge the fact that I have that judgment, but I'm not going to treat this person differently based on this judgment. I'm not going to avoid conversation with this person because I already made a judgment that I probably wouldn't like them. I'm going to say, listen, I know that I have this judgment in my mind, but I'm going to let them show me who they are.

I'm not going to act upon this judgment. I'm going to accept the fact that I have it. I'm not going to feel guilty about it, and I'm not going to act on it. I'm just going to acknowledge that I have it, period. I think the nuance with this whole situation is judging in your mind is not wrong. I don't think, I don't think it's your fault. I don't think you can control it. So it's nothing to feel guilty about.

Judgment is not necessarily bad or wrong by nature. is not necessarily bad or wrong by nature. What's bad or wrong is if you act upon it in a way that's not good, that hurts others, that is rude to others, is not nice to others, that prevents you from potentially making friends with somebody, you know, because you judge them. That's what's bad and not good and should be avoided. Judging as an act is just simply human, I think.

And I think when we're told as kids that judging people is bad and evil, we then grow up later and realize, God, I can't help but judge people sometimes. I can't help it. I don't know how to turn it off. I must be a bad person. That's when this sort of lesson that we're taught as kids can become harmful for ourselves

because we can feel so much guilt about judging people. When in reality, it's like, no, that's just human. It's how we act on it that determines our character. Oh my God, you guys. That's all I got for today. Okay. I have to pee so bad. I've been holding my pee for 30 minutes. And to be honest, I'm a little concerned because sometimes when I'm holding my pee, I talk too fast. That might have happened just now. So we'll see. But thank you guys for hanging out and listening and I hope you enjoyed this conversation today.

I truly, really did. I really, really truly did. Oh my God, my cat just jumped on my lap and is like sitting on my bladder. Oh my God, I'm actually going to pee my pants. Okay, I have to go. Thank you all for listening. Thank you all for hanging out. I really appreciate and love all of you so much and I'm always so grateful for our conversations and I can't wait to have another one next

week and then we got for that and then we got for that. Alright, I'll talk to you later. Bye!