anything goes with emma chamberlain - trust issues and boundaries, advice session

Episode Date: June 30, 2024

hello, and welcome back to advice session, a series here on anything goes, where you send in your current dilemmas or anything that you want advice on, and i give you my unprofessional advice. and let me reiterate, very unprofessional advice. i recommend that you take all of it with a grain of salt. with that being said, today we’re covering trust issues and boundaries in romantic relationships. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello and welcome back to Advice Session, a series here on Anything Goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything that you want advice on and I give you my unprofessional advice. And let me reiterate very unprofessional advice and I recommend that you take all of it with a grain of salt. With that being said, today we are going to be covering trust issues and boundaries in romantic relationships. I've compiled a list of current dilemmas and current challenges that you, the listener, are facing in your relationships right now. And I'm going to give you my advice, my unprofessional advice, very unprofessional. Never at Loblaw's. Like fresh promise, produce is carefully selected and checked for freshness. And if it's not fresh, it's free.

Yes, you heard that right. From the crispest lettuce to the juiciest apples, Loblaw's is committed to fresh. So you get the best fruits and veggies. Look for new value programs when you shop at Loblaw's, in-store and online. Conditions may apply. See in-store and online. Conditions may apply. See in-store for details. So let's begin. Somebody said, I have trust issues

even though my partner gives me nothing to worry about. How do I fix this? I understand this because I also have my own slew of trust issues. I have never really officially been cheated on. I can't confirm that I've been lied to. No, that's not true. I actually can confirm that.

I have been lied to quite a bit in my past. And over, you know, the last few years, I've developed quite a few trust issues, just from bad experiences in dating. I feel like what happens in relationships is that something goes wrong, like someone cheats, or someone lies, or someone loses feelings, or whatever it may be. And the experience is so scarring, I think, because romantic relationships are so emotional and so deeply felt that anything that happens in them is tattooed in the brain of who experienced it permanently, because it's so deeply emotional and it's so, I don't even know, guttural, like the whole experience

is just so vivid, you know, that you just never forget. And so bad experiences in romantic relationships seem to feel permanent in the brain because of how severely emotional the experience is. So it makes sense that we tend to hold on to these bad past experiences and take them into our next ones

because we don't wanna make the same mistake again. It's like when you're a kid and you touch the stove and you find out that it's hot, then you never want to touch the stove again. But the difference between learning that the stove is hot by burning your hand on it and learning that potential future partners are bad because you had a bad experience with one of them is that stoves are always hot whereas people are all very different. Now there is something to be said for patterns in humans, right? Like it's not like it's rare for humans to cheat on each other in monogamous relationships. It happens quite a bit. So it's hard to rationalize the fact that the next person that you date won't be that way.

It's safer and in some ways more obvious to say, you know what, this is my new default. I just believe I'm always going to be cheated on. But the truth is, is that every stove is hot and not every person is terrible. And I think in some ways in order to manage trust issues, you have to go into new relationships with the mindset, innocent until proven guilty. Ah, I don't know if I mean that. That's a bit too extreme. I think it's more like innocent until your gut tells you otherwise or until proven guilty.

Because there's also something to be said for dating somebody and your trust issues sort of acting up for a genuinely valid reason. For example, let's say you and your ex had a very beautiful relationship up until your ex stopped responding to your texts during the day. Like they just started ignoring you during the day when you both were at work. And then a few months after that sort of began, you found out that your partner was cheating on you. Now, when you don't get responded to during the day, that's going to remind you of when you were being cheated on. So anytime your new partner doesn't respond to your texts

during the day, you're like, wait, what does this mean? It's not completely irrational to be like, well, this happened last time. This might mean that it's happening again. Like this, my partner has stopped responding to me during the day. The last time this happens, I got cheated on. Could this be happening again? Like to me, that's rational. And in that case, you need to bring that up to your partner and have a conversation

and say, this is making me really uncomfortable. The last time this happened to me, I was being cheated on, you need to bring that up to your partner and have a conversation and say, this is making me really uncomfortable. The last time this happened to me, I was being cheated on, you know? And so you can't completely ignore your trust issues because sometimes they're actually acting as a protection for you because you learned something the hard way last time. I think when it becomes a problem is when, you know, similar to the

situation that we're discussing right now, trust issues come up and start to cause issues even when the new partner is not giving you anything to worry about. And I think the best way to combat this is to number one, communicate your trust issues with your partner. I've done this many times before where I've explained to my new partner, hey, these are all the things that have happened to me in my past that have made it really hard for me to trust in relationships. Now, because of all of these things, I need extra reassurance in these areas. Now, it sounds so like borderline therapy speak to talk about these things in this way, but I do it because I find it to be crucial that my new partner understands

where I've been scarred so that we have an open dialogue about things so that when my trust issues do act up, I can be like, hey, my trust issues are acting up because you're doing this. I'm so, I know it's irrational. I know nothing's probably wrong, but I'm going to need a little bit more support in this way to make me feel better. And you would be shocked at how that open dialogue helps soothe those trust issues in a very powerful way. But I also think another half the battle is on one's own.

If you're struggling with trust issues, a lot of it is just negative thoughts repeating and swirling around your brain over and over again because you don't know how to stop them. And this applies also to other anxious thoughts that are irrational. You have to learn how to control them. And to be honest, I'm still working on that. If I had it all figured out, I would not have as bad of anxiety as I have,

but I think something that can be really helpful, and it sounds dumb, but my mom taught this to me, so stop calling it dumb because it was my mom's idea, or it wasn't her idea, she read it in a anxiety management book somewhere. But to close your eyes and imagine a stop sign when you're spiraling with these negative thoughts, give your brain a second to breathe,

and then you need to figure out a way to let it out. Write it down in a journal, call a close family member or friend, and get it out of your head. Discuss your fears, discuss the worst case scenario, get it all off your chest. And then now that it's all out there in the world, it's either on a piece of paper

or it's come out of your mouth and been received by somebody else's ear, now you're able to work on it. Now you're able to tangibly touch it. It's not really tangible, I guess, still, but it feels more tangible. And from there, you can do a few things. Number one, you can figure out a plan on how to make yourself feel better, whether that's having a conversation with your partner or maybe distracting yourself with things like meditating

or exercise or reading or working on something in these moments when you start to spiral, figuring out what you want your distraction to be in these moments when you're spiraling, or you can choose to accept the fact that the worst case scenario might come true and that you might have to deal with that. But until it happens, you can't be worried about it.

You can do a few of those, you can do all three of those. I think ideally you do all three of those, but those are the best tactics that I know. And I'm hesitant to say this because I don't know if it's my own personal experience only. And so I don't know if it's great advice, but I do wanna tell you a story of something that's happened to me. I'm somebody who dates a lot. Not like a lot,

but I'm always in a relationship. I feel like for the past few years I've been in relationships like, you know, and not even on purpose. Like I'm not even trying to do that, but I've just, the way that my life has unfolded, I've just, you know, dated a lot over the last few years. In like pretty serious relationships, I've had quite a few. And I've noticed something over the course of my dating experiences, which is if you're dating somebody

who you know really loves you, and you can feel that in every cell in your body, that that person loves you and adores you. The trust issues are gone. Now, this is something that I've experienced. I don't wanna say it's gonna work for everyone, but I know a lot of us like to bark up the wrong tree. And Lord knows I've barked up the wrong trees, okay, before.

Barked up some great trees. I barked up some trees that were pretty good, but not quite right for me. I've barked up a lot of bad trees, okay? And you know what I've noticed? When I try to create a healthy relationship with somebody who doesn't truly care for me as much as I care for them, which I've done a lot, the trust issues are all over the place because I don't trust them. I don't feel like they're all in. I constantly feel like I'm trying to win them over

because they're like either playing hard to get with me, even though we're already dating, or they're just genuinely not as into me as I am into them. And that makes the trust issues 50 times worse. And, you know, with a partner like that, you can communicate with them and say, Hey, you know, these are my trust issues. I really am going to need extra reassurance. And it can help, let's say 60%. But that last 40% comes down to the chemistry of the relationship, I think, at least in my experience.

And if you don't feel like your partner is obsessed with you, loves you, is all in for you and you have trust issues, you will continue, I think, to have trust issues. That's my experience because I just like dating somebody who actually really likes you is not always hot to people. Like in the past, I've sought out guys who honestly didn't really like me that much. Like I've thought that that was hot. Like I used to be very attracted to guys that were hard to get, guys that I was constantly having to win over. And you want to know what that did to me? It made me a miserable mess.

And what's interesting is in retrospect, I think some of those relationships, the guys actually did like me just as much as I like them, if not even more at times, but they were playing hard to get and that was hot to me. And I was like, Ooh, that's hot. But guess what it led me to? Chaos in my mind. Being in a relationship with somebody who can share the way that they feel about you,

or an open book with you, it's like almost like the golden ticket for people who have trust issues, because it really just helps them dissolve. I don't know. I think a lot of times too, we're like, well, our partner is not giving us any obvious reason to have trust issues, but yet we still have them.

Be critical, be very critical and ask yourself, is this person giving me the amount of reassurance that I need naturally? Are they showering me with the amount of love and reassurance and admiration that I need to feel comfortable in a relationship. Ask yourself that. Don't ask yourself that they're giving you any obvious signs because the answer is no, if there's no issues in the relationship, right? If you still have trust issues, I would suggest that you look a bit deeper because in the past, I've been in relationships that were very similar. My trust issues were activated, but yet there were no obvious issues.

And you know what I wasn't doing? I wasn't asking myself, is this person making me feel loved enough on a daily basis? The answer was no. But that doesn't mean that they were doing anything wrong. It just means that they weren't doing enough and I needed more. So with all that being said, I think there's two main takeaways here. Number one, if you're in a relationship with somebody and things are going great, but you still have trust issues, really, really, really analyze this relationship and figure out if it's because your partner does not make you feel loved enough and you don't

trust them because they're not open enough with you and you don't have this super vulnerable raw connection. Maybe there's some walls up making you feel a little bit disconnected, which then is triggering the trust issues. Really analyze even the healthiest of relationships to see if that's triggering your trust issues. But then also have that conversation with your partner, explain to them where you're at and then do the work on your own. That's where I'm at with that. Okay, moving on.

Somebody said, my boyfriend holds resentment about relationships I had before I even met him. How do I handle it? This to me is a conversation first. Like nothing can be done before a conversation is had. No choices can be made before a conversation is had. I think you need to sit your boyfriend down and I think you need to say, it's very upsetting to me that you are basically holding my life before you against me. And you say something like this, there is nothing I can do to change my past.

The people that I've been with, the things that I've done are all in the past. I cannot change them. So you either need to accept me for who I am and trust that I am the person that you know today. I'm not the person I was back then. I mean, I am, but I'm also not. You know, I've grown a lot since then and I've evolved a lot since then and I'm not with any of those people anymore. I'm with you now. I'm a new person in a lot of ways today. You have to either choose to accept that as the truth or we can't be together because it is never going to change. What is already done will never change. The only thing that we can control is what we strive

for moving forward. That's it. So I don't know what to tell you. And this could go a number of ways. Your partner could say, yeah, you know what, I completely understand. Like, I'm sorry, I'm just jealous or I don't like the way that you behaved in those relationships or you dated my friend and it's just so close to home. But at the same time, I love you and I want to be with you. And so I'm really going to work on moving past it. Okay, great. That might solve everything. It also might not.

Your partner might respond that way and then a month later get all butthurt again about it. In which case, I actually would recommend breaking up. If somebody cannot accept your past, you cannot be with them, point blank, because you cannot change the past. If somebody doesn't like some of your current behaviors, like for example, they don't like the way

that you do the dishes, or they don't like the way you're outgoing at parties, those are things happening in the present, so those conversations can happen now, and you can either come to a compromise, or ultimately decide that your partner needs to accept those things about you. It's just different because it's current, right? Like there is some malleability there. You can make a compromise and change your behavior moving forward as long as you're not sacrificing the integrity of who you are.

There are sometimes moments when sacrifices need to be made and compromises need to be made. And I think that that's fine. But there's no doing that with your past. It is just simply your past. And I've actually dated people in the past where I felt that they were so judgmental that I was afraid of them knowing about my past, like who I had hooked up with before. In fact, I've even dated people. Oh my God. I've dated people where I had hooked up with people that they hate and they never found out about that because I was too afraid to tell them because I was like, they're going to judge me and they're not going to, they will break up with me if they find out

that I hooked up with this person one time. Or well, maybe four, maybe four times. All good. And I guess the other response that your partner might give you in this conversation where you basically say, this is who I am, you have to accept it. They also might say, okay, this is not gonna work then. And then you might have to break up. And you know what? You don't want to be with anyone

in this life who does not accept you for who you truly are, who you fully are. Anytime you have to keep secrets or tell half truths, no. You can't live like that. And there are people out there that are going to accept you for exactly who you are. In fact, I've also had relationships where I've been with people where I'm like, this is everything that's ever happened in my entire life. This is every single piece of my personality. This is everything that I am. Here it is. Take it or leave it. And that's been welcomed with open arms as well. So I've had both experiences in my life and I can tell you that it is

possible to find somebody that you can be fully open with who has the maturity to say, you know what, I don't love that you did this in your past but also you're a different person now you've grown up you wouldn't do that again. You know, I don't know. All right, moving on. Next, somebody said, how do I express a need for personal space from my partner without hurting their feelings? I think that there's a few ways to do it. I mean, obviously communication is always ideal, right? To just casually bring it up to them one day.

You know, I feel like I'm always with you and I love spending time with you, but at the same time, I feel like I need to be alone sometimes or else I'm not going to have any independent thought. Like I am constantly around you and I love being around you, but I just, I think I need more alone time to make sure that I can maintain my sense of self in a way. Like it has nothing to do with you. I'd hang out with you all the time if I could, but I just think that I need that. That's one way of doing it where you're sort of letting the blow be soft on them and you're making it more about you and trying to maintain your sense of self and almost making it sort of

about having discipline and balance in your life and less about them being smothering or whatever with you, right? Another thing you could do is just tell them that you're busy more often, or if you live with them, leave the house more often and say that you need to do certain things alone. And it comes down to sort of making plans that don't involve them. So for example, maybe you wanna go to a pottery class

by yourself, just don't invite them and go and do that on your own and you have full right to do that. When they text you and ask you if you want to hang out you just say you know what tonight like I really need to get this done or I really need to do that or you know you can sort of just naturally create space by keeping yourself busy with things that don't involve them. Now the only challenge with this is that they might start to feel you pulling back and it might be upsetting for them. In which case they might start to act upset or, you know, they might start to create resentment, which usually you can feel, and then you're going to have to

say, Hey, I can tell that you've been noticing that I've been distancing myself a bit. I can tell it's making you angry or upset. Here's why I'm doing it. It has nothing to do with you. I still love you. I still want to be with you, but I just need this. I really do think the ideal thing is to have a conversation about it and just keep it light. It doesn't need to be that deep or that serious.

But what you have to prepare yourself for is the fact that you might still hurt their feelings a little bit. Like I've dated very avoidant people in my past, not all of them have been avoided, but I've dated a few avoidant people who really didn't want to hang out that often. I've also dated the opposite. I've dated people who want to hang out all the time. And through my experience with dating people who are avoidant and don't want to hang out all the time. And I've, through my experience with dating people who are avoidant and don't want to hang out very often,

I've sort of grown a thick skin. Like I understand how to manage that. And I don't really take it super personally, but your partner might not have that experience. You know, they might be used to spending every single day with their partner, or maybe you're the only partner they've ever had and they've only ever experienced being together all the time with you. And so

it's really important to just reassure your partner as much as possible and reiterate to them that this is about the health of the relationship. This is not you backing away from the relationship. This is about making the relationship stronger. You know, you can even mention that I feel like we're around each other too much and it's fine. Like, I love it. But I think our relationship would benefit from some time apart. We'd have more to talk about. We would miss each other more. I think it would be really healthy. Yeah, I think that's what I would do. Somebody said, I'm borderline codependent with my boyfriend and I need help

separating my life from my relationship. This is so challenging because it's so easy to just dive headfirst into a relationship and not look back until the relationship is over and then you're alone. That happens a lot. It's happened to me a few times. It's really hard to keep a lot. It's happened to me a few times. It's really hard to keep a balance and it's really good that you're noticing it now. Like it's way better to

notice it now than to realize it after the fact and be like I'm all alone because I've relied on my significant other for every ounce of support for the last however amount of time and now we're broken up and I'm alone because I cut everyone else off and I think that can happen sometimes because the relationship is genuinely toxic. I also think it can happen because you just like each other so much. I think you know can go either way. What I would recommend is number one find a group of friends that is your group of friends. You could meet those friends from trying a pottery class or going to a Pilates class and meeting people. Just start putting

yourself out there in areas that your boyfriend wouldn't want to join you in. It could be anything, but get yourself out there doing activities that he wouldn't maybe be interested in, and then try to make friends that way. I think having a separate group of friends is very helpful, and that can be really challenging to develop and can take time. My example of like going to Pilates classes or taking a pottery class and meeting people that way,

that can work, it also might not work. It's so challenging to make friends at times, but it's something to strive for. So that's number one. Number two, I sort of just mentioned this, but doing activities by yourself. Maybe make a goal for yourself. Like I want to do five activities a week by myself without my boyfriend. So maybe two of those days it's going to a workout class and then two other of those days it's going grocery shopping alone and then one day it's going to pottery class. Okay, you see what I'm saying? So start to create goals like I'm going to do this many things alone per week and then from there I think you can really begin to build this life that exists

parallel to your boyfriend but not including him. And that might mean that you don't spend as much time with your boyfriend as you used to. That might mean that sometimes you miss him and you wish you were together and you're not. But it's so important to have a life outside of your relationship that is fulfilling, that it's worth those challenges. Somebody said thoughts on love bombing and how can you tell it's happening? I think love bombing is, well I think

it's complicated. Like I'd like to believe that some people love bomb because they're just so excited about being in a new relationship that they just can't contain themselves and they just have so much love to share that they just wanna express it. I would say for the most part, love bombing is used as a manipulation tactic to get somebody in the door and get somebody really emotionally invested

and get people's walls down. And the reason why I think it's more often used as a manipulation tactic is because I think that when you genuinely deeply are in love with somebody in the beginning phases, you're so afraid of making the other person uncomfortable, making them feel smothered, forcing things, that you tend to be tactful about the way that you express your affection for the other person. Whereas when you don't really care and you're trying to date somebody for some sort of ulterior

motive, you don't really care as much. You're not being as tactful. You're not being as careful and you're more likely to love bomb. And so that's why I'm a bit skeptical about love bombing. Like, do I think that there are times that people love bomb on accident just because they're so excited and they're just confident by nature? Yes, but in my experience, anytime I've been love bombed, I think I was, I fear I was being conned a bit and that they were just trying to like lock me in so that they could maybe use me in some ways. So I don't love love bombing I I don't think it's great practice in general like even if you really really really like somebody

I don't think love bombing is ever the answer. I think love bombing should be avoided at all costs I think you can tell it's happening when it feels off Like obviously at some point in the beginning of relationship, you have to express your feelings for one another. I think love bombing tends to come about at an abnormal time. Like for example, let's say you've been on one date and then all of a sudden they're like, you're the most amazing person I've ever met. You're unbelievable. Like I want you to meet my family.

And it's like, uh, what? We've been on one date. Like what are you talking about? Whereas if somebody's saying that six months into a relationship, like that is not love bombing to me, it's like, no, you know each other well enough. Like you've been dating for six months. If you are starting to feel like you want to marry the person, it's like, that's kind of valid.

I feel like love bombing tends to be more chaotic and more like. Impulsive feeling like you can feel your partner's impulsivity when they're love bombing you. You're like, wow, they just feel like they're like exploding with this and it feels sort of extreme. That's another way that you can tell. But also if their words don't match their actions, like if they're saying, oh, you're my soulmate, I want to marry you, blah, blah, blah. And then like you look at their phone and you're like, is that another girl? And like, I don't know. If their words don't match their actions,

like, oh my God, you're my soulmate. I'm in love with you. You're perfect. But then they like, won't talk to you for like a week. It's like, if I was your soulmate and you loved everything about me, you would be talking to me every day. A lot of it comes down to gut.

Like I've been love bombed before. And I remember I was love bombed over text once. And I remember like, I liked this person. So I was love bombed before. And I remember I was love bombed over text once. And I remember like, I like this person, so I was excited. But then they were like confessing their love for me in a way that to me, I was like, you don't even know me that well.

Like, what do you mean you like really are in love with me? Like it just, it felt a little weird. And I, but I remember like enjoying it. I was like, wow, I'm happy to hear this. This is great news. But I was also kind of like, this feels off in my gut. And you know, I proceeded to date that person. It's not like it, you know, it didn't stop me. And I'm glad it didn't in retrospect,

because I think with all relationships, you know, including all of the failed ones, you always learn something. So no regrets. However, yeah, like I think that that was a sign that they were maybe in it with me for the wrong reasons. They were just trying to lock me in because I think that they saw me as, I don't know, maybe more of just a public figure in a way than a person.

I think that that was intriguing to them. And I think they love bomb me not because they loved me, but because they wanted a piece of that. And that is dark energy. Anyway, so I really do say like rely on your gut when it comes to love bombing because you can feel it being off. And in addition to that, you know, use your logical mind as well. Does it make sense to be saying the type of things that are being said at this point in the relationship, etc., etc.? All right. Last but not least, somebody said, I feel really embarrassed because I feel like people never want to date me. They only want to hook up. Is there something wrong with me? What do I do? Well for one, I think it cannot be

overlooked that societally and culturally we live in hookup culture era like You're not the only one. Okay. There are so many people struggling to find people to date because it's very popular to not commit to things and to sort of have a more, I don't know, just like a more flexible dating life. And listen, that works for some people rock on, but if you are not like that, I can understand your frustration because it's just harder to find than ever. In fact, I can relate to that because I am also somebody who

really likes to date. I prefer to date than to be single and like hook up with people random and I just doesn't work for me and I've tried it and I've hated it and whatever. So I've tended to date more. Even if it's like really short, I'd rather try to see if dating would work and then throw it out after a short amount of time, than just like hook up with people with no end game plan. I like to sort of, I don't know, that's just who I am. So I understand the frustration

because we don't necessarily live in a time where that is the standard anymore. So I would say don't necessarily live in a time where that is the standard anymore, you know, so I would say don't blame yourself Because I think this is a broader societal thing that a lot of people are dealing with But there are some other things that I think you can do number one pay attention to who you're hanging out with if you're hanging out in groups of people who are in the habit of in groups of people who are in the habit of hooking up with people on a consistent basis and not dating anyone and that's sort of the culture of the group that you're in, the group that you're hanging around in, that might be a sign that you should explore other groups of people because

a lot of times we tend to have these like micro cultures in the different groups that we hang out in and you know you might be hanging out in one where everybody just hooks up with each other and they don't date. So pay attention to that. But also in some ways you could kind of go on strike, okay, in a way and be like, I'm not gonna hook up with anyone. If you wanna hook up with me, you have to date me.

That's it. And that can be a bummer and that might not work because I think at times you're like, well I wanna date somebody but in the meantime I also wanna hook up with people. I get that desire as well but I do think that if somebody really wants to hook up with you and you say no, you're like I'm not doing that right now.

Like I really just wanna find somebody to date and I'm just not playing around with this shit anymore. You'd be shocked at how many people come around and are like, well then do you want to go on a date then? And who knows what that could turn into. So there's something to be said for going on strike a little bit and saying I'm not hooking up until I'm dating somebody. And that can be incredibly effective. Take some time to see the turnover of like people who are like, you know what, all right, I won't hook up with you then, but I'll take you on a date.

And, you know, that could be really delightful. And I think that that's it, but just remember that it's not your fault. There's nothing wrong with you. I think it's a combination of society and culture today and also the micro sort of culture that you're existing in. And there it is. So, okay, that was my advice session for today.

I hope that you enjoyed my advice, my unprofessional advice. And if you did, feel free to submit your current dilemmas or things that you want advice on. The Instagram is at Anything Goes and you can submit them there. All of Anything Goes social media is at Anything Goes, so you can go check that out if you want. New episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday and Sunday.

Video episodes are exclusively on Spotify for those interviews that I do every once in a while. And you can check me out on social media at Emma Chamberlain. Check out my coffee company at Chamberlain Coffee or ChamberlainCoffee.com. And I will talk to you very soon and I love you and I appreciate you. Thank you for hanging out. Okay, bye.