anything goes with emma chamberlain - what if you are the problem? [video]

Episode Date: June 18, 2023

[video available on Spotify] i feel like the automatic response to a problem or conflict is to blame everyone and everything other than ourselves. it's not very automatic to run into a problem and immediately ask, did this problem arise or did this conflict happen because i did something wrong? for the last two years, i've been working on asking myself if there’s any chance that maybe i'm the problem, and reflecting on whether or not i actually did do something wrong when conflict arises. it’s a lot easier to start pointing fingers and blaming everything on everyone else. it makes us feel like we're in the power position. it allows us to play the victim in a way, which can be a much more comfortable place to be. but i truly believe that life gets better when we get into the habit of asking ourselves if we are the problem. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I feel like the automatic response to a problem or a conflict is to blame everyone and everything other than ourselves. It's so easy when shit goes wrong to be like, well, it's because they did this. Or well, it's because this happened. It's not very automatic to run into a problem and immediately ask, hey, did this problem arise or did this conflict happen because I did something wrong too? It's not an intuitive response to problems or conflicts. I think this is because a lot of times we make decisions about how we handle certain situations with good intentions. It's not very often that we purposely fuck up in some way. You know, usually we're all just trying to do the right thing, but there are definitely

times where we think we're doing the right thing, but we're not actually doing the right thing. But there are definitely times where we think we're doing the right thing, but we're not actually doing the right thing, whether we know it deep down or not. For the last few years, I've been really working on asking myself if I'm the problem. Hey, is there any chance that maybe I'm the problem? And the reason why this conflict happened or the reason why this problem arose in my life is because I actually did something wrong. I've been really working on this because it is not something that comes naturally.

What comes naturally is to start pointing fingers. And to be honest, it's a lot more fun to point fingers. Okay, it's actually quite fun to just start pointing fingers and start blaming everything on everyone else and everything else. It's easier, it creates gossip which can be fun at times. It makes us feel like we're in the power position. It kind of puts us into a place where we're the victim in a way,

which can be a much more comfortable place to be than, you know, being in the place of the one who fucked up. But I truly believe that life gets better when we get into a habit of asking ourselves if we are the problem. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Let's get personal. You know what?

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A lot of times they can't immediately comprehend what they did wrong, because in the moment, they thought that what they did was right and fair. A lot of times when you confront someone, they'll have a hard time understanding what they did at first, because they didn't have bad intentions, and they're sort of blind to their shortcomings. The same thing can happen to you. The roles can be reversed where you had good intentions. You thought you were doing the right thing, but turns out maybe you weren't and maybe

you too are blind to your shortcomings. Now the thing about asking yourself if you are the problem is that there are going to be moments when you are not the problem. You did the right thing truly and there was nothing you could have possibly done better. It's true that you know someone else or something else is responsible for the problem or conflict that occurred. You know, you're not always going to discover that you played a role in things going wrong. But it's interesting because what you may discover is that more often than not, you did play a little role in

things going wrong. Definitely not every time. But more than you might expect, actually. And that's why I think it's so valuable to make it a habit, to reflect on what role you play in problems in conflicts in your life and to not ignore your role because it's so easy to just ignore your role and ignore what you've done, you know? Okay, so let's discuss some examples of moments where you may fail to ask yourself if you're the problem. Most commonly during an argument, the thing about arguing is that there's a lot of ego involved, okay? During an argument, both people or all people involved are vulnerable because all people involved have a chance of losing.

And their thoughts, beliefs, actions are being questioned. And if it ends up being decided that you're wrong in an argument, you're left feeling humiliated. You're left feeling powerless. You're left feeling like you've lost respect in a way. Like, you know, everybody's lost respect for you. It can feel like a lot's on the line during an argument because you're like, oh my God, if I lose, not only am I gonna lose respect for myself a little bit,

but also other people are to lose respect for me. And, you know, I'm going to come out of this in a pretty shitty position. And I'll just be embarrassed, which is not a pleasant feeling. It can feel like there's so much on the line in an argument that your determination to win can cause you to become blind to your own shortcomings. A lot of times arguing becomes more about who wins than about who was actually right, or who actually did the right thing, or who actually was wronged. It starts to become just about winning.

It becomes more of a game than actually a means to truly solve the problem and come out the other side, a better person. Because in theory, arguing should humble both parties and allow both parties to grow, but that's usually not what happens, because it becomes all about winning as a way to protect yourself from potential humiliation or powerlessness. I think during every argument, it is crucial to ask yourself, if maybe you're wrong, but a lot of times we don't do that because we're so caught up in the heat of an argument that we cannot possibly break through the brick wall that we've built in our mind that prevents us from asking ourselves if we fucked up or we were wrong. And we're just stuck defending our argument.

And there's no thought to even reflect on ourselves at all. It just becomes about arguing. And that doesn't get anybody anywhere. We also might fail to ask ourselves if we're the problem when we're seeing a pattern in our life. So let's say for example, you have a hard time keeping friends. It seems you'll have, you know, a little group of friends for six months and then it's over. And the cycle continues. And you can never keep a group of friends.

Or let's say you can't keep a significant other around. You know, you'll date someone for a little bit and then it's over and then you'll date another person and then it's over and you can never really keep a relationship. Sometimes we just have bad luck and that's why we can't find a long-term significant other or a long-term friend group. Okay, but sometimes there's something that we're doing that is getting in the way of us developing long-term relationships. It could be that we're just attracted to the wrong people. You know, maybe we're constantly trying to be friends with the cool kids, the popular kids. That never ends well.

Sometimes it ends well, but I would argue 90% of the time it doesn't end well. Or let's say we constantly are attracted to people who aren't showing a lot of interest in us romantically. But we're trying to date them. Like, that's our goal. It's to like take someone who doesn't really like us and then make them like us and date us. Again, if you're barking up the wrong tree and you keep failing, you know, that's kind of your responsibility. Or maybe you have a pattern of being toxic in some way in your own life. Maybe you become a little clingy or obsessive in relationships. Maybe you pick on your friends or your significant other when you feel insecure. Maybe you take your

anger out on your close friends or your significant other. Maybe you're not reliable. You know, when there's a pattern in your life, I was just now specifically focused on relationships, but patterns can happen elsewhere too. When you're seeing a pattern, it could be just a sign of bad luck. That's absolutely possible. But what's more likely is that there's something about the way that you handle certain situations that's not working and it's up to you to figure it out.

Another example of a pattern that's not related to relationships would be falling into a pattern where you constantly feel like you made the wrong decision. Let's say you're constantly regretting the choices you make. You feel like you chose the wrong job. You had two jobs on the table and you feel like you went with the wrong one. Or you moved into a new place and you're like, ah, there were two places on the market and I feel like I chose the wrong one. There were two places on the market and I feel like I chose the wrong one. You know, you keep finding yourself in a place where you're regretting your decisions. This could be a sign that you're not making decisions for you, but maybe you're making decisions for someone else or something else.

You're making decisions based on someone else's opinion, not your own. You're making decisions based on how things are going to look on social media. You're making decisions based on what your friends are going to think, what your family is going to think. You're not making decisions for you. And so you find yourself in a pattern where you're regretting things left and right, feeling like you made the wrong decision left and right, because you weren't listening to yourself.

You weren't making decisions for you. You're making decisions for someone or something else. That's another example of a pattern. But the thing with patterns is that they can be complicated because they can also be a combination of bad luck and our own doing. And so it can be hard to figure out if it's truly a pattern or if it's just, I don't know, it can be complicated to analyze.

But I would say for the most part, when a pattern is happening, it's no coincidence. There is something that you could do, that you could take control of, that would lead you to more success in whatever you want success in, relationships, making decisions, et cetera. Okay, this last example of when you may fail to ask yourself if your other problem is complicated. So give me a minute. Okay, give me a minute to explain before you get mad at me. When you're miserable, you may be part of the reason why you're miserable at times. There are absolutely times in life when a circumstance makes you miserable.

A circumstance that is out of your control makes you miserable. For example, something shitty could happen to you or your mental health could be in a shitty place or you could just be having a bad day or a bad week or a bad month for no reason, just because, because sometimes that just happens. Being miserable because life sucks at times

is healthy, normal, and part of being a human being. And so I don't want to spread the wrong message here and say, when you're miserable, it's because of you because you're fucking up and you're doing something wrong and you're making yourself miserable and it's all your fault because it isn't always your fault. And sometimes there's no one or no thing to blame, which can be even more confusing. Talk about a confusing human struggle when you're fucking miserable and there's no one to blame and there's nothing to blame. But sometimes you're miserable

and there is someone to blame or there is something to blame. And again, that's normal and that's part of life. But sometimes misery is self-inflicted and it's such it's such a hard thing to admit to yourself because in moments of pain and misery the last thing you want to do is put yourself in an even more vulnerable position where you're asking if You did something to put yourself in this place. Did you fuck up? Did you mess up?

Do you not have enough discipline in life? Are you not being responsible? Are you not taking care of yourself? Are you not treating yourself with enough respect? Are you not working on building yourself a steam? Whatever it might be. Like the last thing you want to do when you're miserable is look inward and ask,

how responsible am I for this feeling? It's the last thing you want to do. And it's the least automatic response as well. So here are some examples of when misery can be self-inflicted. Number one, choosing to be around people who make you miserable. Let's say you've a shitty group of friends,

but you decide to stick around because they get into cool parties. But they're really mean to you and they treat you like shit. And you are unhappy when you spend time with them, but you also are kind of addicted to the friendship in some way. That's sort of your responsibility in a way to remove yourself from that. If you have shitty friends or you have shitty people in your life, it's somewhat

It's somewhat up to you to run as far away as you can. There are exceptions, of course. Maybe you work with shitty people. Maybe you're in a toxic relationship that feels impossible to get out of. I would say those are situations when you're miserable because something shitty is happening to you and you can't easily Escape from the situation But when you're deliberately making a choice To be around people who make you feel like shit and you could walk away and at any time

Easily safely and you choose not to that is an example of Self-inflicting misery, you know, because you could easily walk away. But there's something preventing you from walking away. Maybe it's because this friend group has a crazy social life, or because you'd rather be friends with shitty people than not have friends at all. Or maybe you like the way you're perceived by others when you're around this person or these people. There's something keeping you around that isn't worth it. You know what I mean? Therefore, this is self-inflicted, in my opinion. Maybe you're miserable because you're enabling bad habits. This is something that I am guilty of, okay? I will find myself so fucking miserable.

And when I zoom in and analyze why I'm miserable, it's because I've gotten into a routine where I'm scrolling through Instagram too much and I'm neglecting my routine, whether that's exercise or cleaning up after myself, et cetera. Most of the time when I find myself in a miserable state of mind, and nothing obvious that's bad has happened to me. It's because I've been enabling myself to participate in bad habits. Some examples of bad habits I already mentioned

too. You know, going on social media too much, not having enough discipline to stick to a routine that keeps my shit in line, parting too much, spending too much money, drinking too much, or too often, etc. Which leads to another way we can inflict misery on our lives, not having enough discipline. This is another one that hits home for me. I mean, it kind of connects to enabling bad habits, which also hits home for me. But when I don't have a healthy balance of discipline in my life, I either have too much discipline or I have not enough, I'm miserable. And I find that an unhealthy level of discipline can cause low self-esteem, lack of productivity, at times burnout, just makes me miserable. I might

do a whole episode on discipline. So, you know, stick around for that. If that's interesting, I just think discipline is so important. But finding the perfect balance. Not too much, not too little. Discipline Goldilocks. finding the perfect balance, not too much, not too little, discipline Goldilocks, finding the perfect, the perfect amount. Those are just a few examples of scenarios where you might be part of the problem. But now let's discuss how to successfully assess if you are the problem. Now we know some examples of when you might be the problem, but how do you even ask yourself if you're the problem? Because it's not something that comes easily and it's not automatic. It's important to

make it a routine and a ritual to ask yourself what your role has been in any given conflict, personal conflict, social conflict, whatever. Make it a routine to ask yourself if you could have been part of the reason why this conflict happened. No matter what the conflict is, ask yourself, humbly, is there any way I could have played a role in this that brought us to conflict? And it's so important when doing this to fight against your urges to believe that you're automatically right. Really, really force yourself to step out of your body for a second and look at the situation from a bird's eye view. Really, really fight to see the

situation from an unbiased perspective. It's so hard. It does take practice because your mind is going to be fighting you the entire time, trying to make excuses for your own behavior. You have to be honest with yourself, because your brain is going to be trying to convince you that you weren't wrong, that you didn't fuck up, that you did everything right. One part of your brain is going to be fighting, trying to stay true to the story it's written about what happened.

But you have to fight that and step back and really look at the situation for what it is. Because that's the only way that you can truly and accurately assess if you're a part of the problem. Now, when all goes well, you're going to have an accurate idea of what role you played in this conflict. And you might discover that you were a part of the problem. Great. Now, you can go handle things based on your new discovery that you were a part of the problem. Maybe you go and apologize to somebody, maybe you go and just have a conversation with somebody, maybe you make the conscious decision to change the way you do something in your life. Great. Sometimes you'll discover that you are not a part of the problem.

There was nothing you could have done better. And unfortunately, you found yourself in a conflict. Now the plan of action is to just try to make shit tolerable until it passes. Where this can go wrong is when your brain tricks itself and you ask yourself if you were a part of the problem and your brain just starts creating these incredible excuses and these incredible false narratives that paint you as the victim of a situation or the innocent one in the situation. And you can actually find yourself even more delusional about the situation at hand then you were to begin with. And I think that's where this gets complicated.

This only benefits life when it's done truthfully and without ego. You have to take your ego out of it. You have to go into it being okay with the fact that you might be in the wrong in some way. It's helpful to go into it saying, if I am wrong, if I did fuck up, To it, being okay with the fact that you might be in the wrong in some way. It's helpful to go into it saying, if I am wrong, if I did fuck up, if I did play a role in this conflict, that's okay.

That's okay. And I'm not embarrassed. I won't be embarrassed. Regardless of what I discover when I analyze this situation, I'm not going't be embarrassed, regardless of what I discover when I analyze the situation. I'm not gonna be embarrassed because it's not embarrassing to admit that maybe you fucked up, if anything, it's impressive and it's admirable and it's kind of badass actually.

So if you can go into it saying, you know what, I'm going to be better off by asking myself this question and answering it honestly. So let's discuss how life improves when you start asking yourself if you're the problem because it truly does improve. does improve. Making this a habit in life is such, it's such a superpower. It's a super power. It truly improves life, in my opinion, in a lot of ways. Number one, you're going to find that you have stronger friendships and relationships, because it's inevitable that in friendships and in relationships, you're going to run into conflict at some point. You're going to have a disagreement. You're going to hurt each other's feelings. It's just what happens. When these moments arise, it's an opportunity for both people involved to grow. But only if both people are able to ask themselves,

truly, if they were a part of the problem, if both people are able to reflect on the role they played in the conflict and have an open, honest, humble conversation. It's magical what can come from a conflict that's resolved in that way. Both parties learn a little bit more about themselves. Both parties learn a little bit more about each other. The relationship becomes stronger on the other side of the conflict because both people feel like the issue was truly resolved. Both people feel like a winner in a way. It's amazing.

It is amazing. Whereas when there's an argument between two people and either one or both are arguing with ego first, just trying to win the argument, not giving a fuck about coming to any sort of positive conclusion, just focused on winning. That's how quality relationships go down the drain, because there's no positive conclusion to an argument that's handled that way. Next, you'll find a lot of problems getting solved once you start asking yourself as you have a problem. If you aren't reflecting to see if choices that you're making are making your life worse, or if the way that you're handling arguments is not conducive to a happy resolution.

Then these things are just going to keep happening. This level of self-awareness will allow you to focus on what you have control over in your life in a way that's so empowering because you discover wait a minute. This is a pattern that I have the ability to break how empowering and incredible is this you know this ongoing problem in my life has been sort of my fault in a way and when you discover oh wait I actually can go in and get my hands dirty and fix the shit myself. That's incredible. I also think asking yourself if you have the problem keeps your ego under control. Being able to admit to yourself that sometimes you're not perfect, keeps your ego in check keeps you humble. Reminds you that you're a human.

That's flawed sometimes, means sometimes, unintelligent sometimes. And I'd argue being in a state where your ego is in check and your humble is actually a really comfortable and incredible place to be. When you accept that you're not perfect all the time in a way, you're sort of set free. And you allow yourself to make mistakes, which takes the pressure off. When you're all caught up in your ego, you're so afraid of being vulnerable or being beat in some way, losing in some way. Whereas when you're in a state of humility, when you fuck up, when you mess up,

it's okay. It doesn't shake your self esteem because you've come to terms with the fact that you're a human being who's not perfect and who's going to fuck up sometimes. So by asking yourself consistently, if you're part of the problem, you're naturally keeping your ego in a healthier place, which builds stronger relationships, makes life less stressful, and is just a much better state to be an overall. And last but not least, asking yourself these types of questions, build self-awareness. And self-awareness is such a superpower. Being in touch with your actions and how they're impacting your life and everyone else's life is so important because it makes you a better decision maker. And it makes

you, again, a better friend, a better romantic partner, whatever it may be, being self-aware is important. It's just important. And by asking yourself these types of questions, you're making yourself more self-aware. And that puts you in more control of your life in a lot of ways. In conclusion, okay, in conclusion. Sometimes you are the problem, and that's okay. When you're able to admit that you are a part of the problem, you are the problem, maybe you are completely the problem. When you're able to admit that, it is a sign of maturity, it is a sign of humility, it is actually badass.

Like when someone comes to me and apologizes, because they realize that they did something wrong. I am impressed and touched, not like, ha ha, fuck you, you fucked up, bye. I'm always like, wait, that's actually really incredible. And I'm so much more likely to forgive and move forward and build an even stronger relationship with that person. When I reflect inward on my own life and I make a discovery that something that I'm doing is making my life more miserable

and that it's my responsibility to fix it. At first, I'm frustrated and I'm angry at myself. I'm like, oh, why am I doing this? But then, once I take action and put matters into my own hands and take my discovery and use it as inspiration to make tweaks to my life, I actually end up proud of myself long-term and I feel like myself esteem becomes healthier through that experience.

Like, I feel really good about myself long-term when I prove to myself that I can become aware of issues in my life and take control and solve them. Like, there's something really healthy about that. When you're able to see that you're a part of the problem, people will forgive you more easily. You'll be able to forgive yourself more easily. Problems will get resolved more easily.

You'll learn and grow exponentially because that level of self-awareness just helps you discover. You'll have stronger relationships and your life will be happier. Listen, that's all I have to say today. Okay, sometimes you're the problem and it's not always easy to admit, but it is worth it to try. And that's all I have for today. Thank you all for listening and hanging out. I hope this was somewhat helpful for at least one of you out there. I really appreciate you hanging out and listening today.

It's always such a pleasure. And there have been airplanes flying over my house. This entire episode just fucking so loud. And if you heard that, I'm sorry, I apparently live on a route for airplanes because they always are, they're flying over my house all day long, but today was particularly bad.

So excuse me, new episodes of anything goes every Thursday and Sunday. Watch video exclusively on Spotify. Listen anywhere you stream podcasts. Anything goes Instagram. Is that anything goes and Twitter is at AG podcast? Check out my coffee company, Chamberlain coffee. If you want to pick up some coffee or tea, or cute accessories, use code AG15 for a little disc girl on the Chamberlain Coffee website,

jamerlinkoffie.com. And I'll talk to you soon. I will talk to you so soon. I love and appreciate you, okay? Don't forget that. I hope you have a great week. In day, I hope you have a great day. I hope you have a great week. I just really love and appreciate you, okay? Don't forget that. I hope you have a great week. In day. I hope you have a great day. I hope you have a great week.

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