Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - A Garbage Christmas Miracle!

Episode Date: December 25, 2025

Are You Garbage is back with Kevin Ryan and H. Foley for our annual Christmas episode! It's a fun one! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! AYG 2025 Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored by: Cash App: Download Cash App Today: https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/li0uni5h Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. See terms and conditions at cash.app/legal/us/en-us/card-agreement. Promotions provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures. Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to another exciting edition of R.U. Garbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R.U. Garbage. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite. comedians and we find that it's a good to be naughty after just a big old piece of trash. Ho, ho, ho. I'm your host, A Troley coming at you on a beautiful day, Christmas Day here at Aunt Tooties. Uh-huh.

She unfortunately had a little too much Christmas cheer last night. So we gave her a liquid IV and a mite all. She's going to be sleeping until about dinner time. Okay. So when by the time the Beef Wellington's done, she'll be out. Okay. Make sure you get that Beef Wellington, by the way. I got you.

My co-host is coming at you from across the table. our very own Santa Claus around here. The international businessman himself, New Dad, Kippie of the year. Kevin James Ryan, everybody. What up, gang. Shout out to you. As always, thanks for tuning in.

Thanks for a wonderful year, by the way. Happy holidays, everybody. Can't thank all the bozos and the homies. Enough. Really taking the legs out for my thank you. Sorry. Guy who could have thanked him, but didn't. I thank him.

He cut me out. Classic H. Polly. He didn't want it any other way that had the... Buckman's back. Please make sure you're ready to subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. Also full video available over there on Spotify, baby. Middle of the charts.

How you doing? It's cool. Seasons greetings. And obviously the greatest website of all time, www. www. patreon.com slash nared you go over there. Get all that holiday cheer game. That's right.

And it wouldn't be a family Christmas episode. If we didn't take a little stop by the corner office, who's doubled up at occupancy. We got our good pal, new guy, Luke, and Mr. Ryan Diesel, head of operations. Hey, gang. I'm my head director of operations right here next to me, going over the numbers, loving it. Great Q-4. Good job, boys.

Good to see you. Diesel, you want to say hi? I did. Hey, everybody. Smooth as buttering it, kid. That's why we love them. Gang, we're here for... All of 80, grit.

Gang, we're here for our Christmas episode. We can't wish everybody. enough happy Christmas wishes to everyone we love you very much are you on the fritz or something what are you talking about nice time waiting for my prezies sure do you like my I went my this is last year's this last year's jacket is real big it didn't button last year and now I went with the sleeves I feel like Don Johnson Christmas Seinfeld oh Steve Bouchemmy what's the deal with Jews

Steve Busemi in Sopranos when he got out of prison. Remember he was wearing the old thing? I remember, yeah. Hey, Sopranos reference. You ever seen that? Yeah, wow. You don't know what I was thinking about today? It's a Christmas miracle, gang.

We made it two and a half minutes. I thought it would make a really sharp tweet, but I'm not a tweet guy. I don't, I'm not a writer. You know what I mean? I don't work the tweets like the X. That's what the kids call it now. Mm-hmm. And I usually go there for my two-minute films.

Sure. Let's see what. going on down south um it's going to be a sad day one day when people don't get godfather references uh-huh that would have been my tweet think that it wouldn't viral punch it up and throw it up there whatever you want to do it's fine can we get to the presents i think we're going to pay um sure yeah we can we can get to the present so um as uh as you know we've if you've been following the show since the beginning or have gone back and watch the Christmas episodes.

The Christmas episodes have been a very kind of thermometer of the year and our lives at that point. Okay. You know what I mean? Sure. The first year, I remember we bought all, I bought everybody's gift at the CVS. I think it was like you got to pack a matchbox cars and I still have that dental floss.

Some candy or something like that. Cockering. Some candy. Do they sell them there? I do. It gets, I don't know if you ever, if you, I was like looking for it a lot. Ultraman or something like that. I made the wrong turn, ended up in fucking Adam and Eveland.

I've been very curious about this whole butt plug wave that's going on these days. Not for my side. It's interesting. You can't be very curious and then go, not for myself. It's interesting. Uh-huh. Sometimes bros are wearing it to dinner and stuff like that. Sure.

You know? Is that why you're on the Fritz right now? You got something. Damn it! Diesel! I said medium. Yeah, you're present. Christmas came early for the big man. Adam and Eve next day delivering

He came rectally He hit that prostrate I don't know what you want for me Sure of course So this year We've decided You know we did the thing where We've spent a lot of money

We've done on this We've done this That sounds like a dad about to cancel Christmas Listen this I felt very dad I felt it this year I did my shopping for you guys This morning cursing the whole way

Nothing's wrapped And you're lucky you get what you got Straight C report card That's where I'm a fucking ungrateful bastard Everybody breaking my fucking stones I'm the only guy going to work every day It was I this I finally felt

Like I've it's come full sir I'm on the other side of all of those Christmases I'm at Where you're just like It's just like dude If I was still in the heaters right now you guys be opening it up i'd look like meld gibson with the ear

wasn't that on oprah ripping a eater um what do you think you're getting this year from the fam from my family socks ties shit like that yeah probably nothing man we've been you know he's teething we haven't had a minute to fucking to to think about nothing so i don't know but you're probably going to get something from your wife that says from little kipperino probably i would just cute i would assume so Or maybe nothing, or maybe it's like the printout of something going. This is what we were going to get you. I don't fucking know.

I just got to get me to fucking 2026. Let me get out of this fucking shake the cobwebs loose. That being said, we each picked a store that represents us to buy the gifts for the rest of the rest of the family members, right? So mine is King of Burbs. All my gifts were purchased at Home Depot. Love it. Which we'll get into it as we start breaking at the Home Depot. It's just a place to be

You think so It really is It really is I'm a Target man as well That might shift the Home Depot Because Home Depot has got a lot of the The home stuff that Target also had Yes

But then you got lumber That's what I'm saying You get all the good stuff You get on a heavy duty stuff I have to say this I'm not a homeowner Okay I don't have a family

All right Somebody got in an idiot egg gnagg a little quick That someone went dark with the henny. I know you guys are all mad at me. I guess I'm going to be the bad guy in this one. Uh-huh. Flip the table.

Out of all the department stores, now you know that I'm a sucker for walking in Bloomingdale's, and I get, you don't like it, but I get the ladies perfume counter. I like that. It takes me back, especially around this time of the year.

No other department store or store, big box store, what they call it, you know, businessmen call it. Nothing smells better than a Home Depot. Sure. That wood smell Which I was a little upset

I went to the one in a man Or you know I went to the one on 23rd Street That's a rip It's close but not the same They got there's nothing better Than walking into the big one You know you're out back You smell a fertilizer

I ain't got no fertilizer At that fucking plate God damn you know explosive restrictions Good AIG question would be When you walk into Home Depot Do you walk through the main door Or do you walk through the gardening section That's funny

No way I always walk through there Got a little fertilizer pop them in. Styrofoam in there. I never got that. Is that what that is? No.

The white stuff? I don't think so. I always thought it was Folgers Crystals. For Folgers Crystals, white? Yeah. I've never seen them. Really? That had aged out by the time we, you know.

That was 80s shit. I'm a 90s guy. This cancer lawsuits came quick. Sure. Settlements, swept it under the rug. Keep it moving. Christmas came early for a couple of guys. All right, so let's get into it.

I want to do Diesel first. Let's do the D's. Diesel, come on over. So you had Home Depot. I bought all my gifts at Home Depot. Luke, classy guy that he is, has Nordstrom, which if you don't know Norstrom, it's like a nicer Bloomingdale's or whatever, Macy's, maybe on the same par. It's a little high.

I think it's higher than Macy's lower than Blumies. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I didn't go to a Bloomingdale's for until I was in my 20. I don't know. I don't know enough about it. It's nice. A higher end.

Right. Clacy got higher end department. Department store. And Diesel, you had what, Tony D. Donopoly, the family-style Italian restaurant on 61st Street? William Sonoma. Whoa! I know him. Very nice.

I know his brother. Stephen. Gary. Okay, so Diesel, come on over. And I got Toys R Us. And I'm sorry, Big Man had Toys R Us. Big Man got everybody toys. Some to represent themselves.

You know what I mean? When I was in Toys R Us, which I went to Macy's in Harold Square, I was getting wrapped. And she goes, how old are they? I'm like, how old's who? He was like, the toys. For my bald, fat friends. We do a podcast. These are all for grown men.

D's, give me a high five. Merry Christmas, pal. Merry Christmas, boys. First of all, thank you for a fantastic year. And also, you don't get an on-camera appearance fee, by the way. Everybody got their Christmas bonuses. That's how you know we're doing well. It went in a wire.

I didn't have to take out cash this year. Yeah. I tell you, no, things are changing. Yeah, it was pretty good. So how do you want to do? Do you want him to give his first? Whatever you want to do? I'm down for whatever.

You, let's do yours, and then we'll give you ours. Okay, yeah. These are all, these are, from the, from the gift-giving brain of Ryan D. Ryan D. So Kippie will be first. Okay. Kippie is not an easy purchase because he's a man. Lovely rapping.

If he needs, I see the crumbled up receipts in it. It's a Wawa receipt. I see sizzling. I can smell a sizzling from a mile away. The spoon was used to make a sauce. This morning. Now, Kippie, if you were cooking something at home, what would that be? I'd say it's summertime.

It's a nice day outside. What do you do? Probably his latest insults for me. Someone's getting a personal. If I was cooking something, it might be a pizza. Scrambees? It might be a pizza. Uh-huh.

It might be a pizza. It might be a pizza. What would you need to be cooking? I don't like, you're giving me a lot of pressure of guessing right. Weird vibes. Oh, that's beautiful. Very nice. And it's crumpled.

So what was that? 20% off? It came from the as is bin. It's a square pizza cutter. It's a pair of socks. One's black, one's blue. Oh, very nice. You got your olive wood pizza tool gift set.

Bake and serve artisan pizzas like a pro like I do with our specialized tool designed in-house for the ultimate performance. Each features a contoured handle crafted of sustainability harvested olive wood. Is olive wood nice? Olive wood is very nice. Is it really? Yes, it is. Do you know it? I do.

So they get the olives and they cut down a tree? Yeah. Huh. Start by rolling the dough docker. Oh, I see that thing. Across your shaped pizza, this creates indentations that prevent air bubbles ensuring uniformly flat, crispy crust. For easy slicing, our pizza wheel features, I don't have a good pizza wheels.

This is great. Stainless steel blade with a razor sharp edge. Keep that away from Henry. The server has triangular stainless steel blade that slides neatly under a freshly baked slice, making it easy to transfer pizza from pan or peel to your plate. Very nice, Ryan, thank you very much. Yes.

Can I just ask you this? I'm not taking shots. Why is it dented? Why is it dented? Some would say it's al dente. Al-Brogan. Trave, it, man. Where are you at?

that's very nice thank you very much now that you mention it it doesn't no it's crumpled it looks like you bought it off a homeless guy was hanging out of a trench coat

I'll have some words I talked to William Nsen omit yeah that's pretty fucked up but I respect it in addition we have some pizza accessories there's more accessories

than those three I thought the three accessories was just stretched I've been eating pizza my whole life I never had accessories okay I was a gaba ghoul

half eating I have eaten Seasoned olive oil Herb pizza oil Extra virgin Just like Henry Brighten up your pizzas with a drizzle Of our savory oil enhanced with garlic

Italian herbs and a hand of red chilies Holy shit very nice already Open and a little mustache hair That's lovely diesel Very nice and I assume this is a nice jar of sauce Oh boy I would assume There you go.

Very nice pizza sauce makes three 12-inch pizzas. I like a nice saucy bitch, so this might go over two zaz. Big Joe Gambino's pasta sauce. Product to Italy. They're charging more for this. Sure. That's very nice. Thank you very much.

That's lovely, D's. Now, you do to Big Man. Sure. Now, Big Man. Hey, let me take a swing of his drink for a. Or I backhand someone. What do you got, babe? Now, you're not particularly known for a salad, but if you were,

yeah, might be a C. It'd be lunch meat. You know it would be a Cesar, big guy. I've split many of Cases with you. Not from prying eyes, these two dickheads. You two split in Cases getting two Cases. Sharing a fork. Split in the Cesar.

We do. Yeah. I tell you, well, me and these will go out to dinner together. We do very well. Nobody bust in our balls or asking questions. Get many sodies is. we want if you were eating a caesar at home making it yourself just give me the salad will you i get the entrees coming if i was making a caesar salad at home what would you put

it in i well you're in a perfect world the bathtub is it me is that a big salad you're eating with those wall utensils that you know what i mean that's a lot of dressing. I would do it all the way. I'd go to a whole smear. Yeah, and we're back. Uh-oh. Pugman's making a list of people that don't like them. Whoa. Look at that. That's sick.

You put a lot of potato chips in there. I can watch two movies with this. That's going to hold a lot of cool ranch Doritos. Cereal bowl, thank you. Did you get this Vietnam? I know. That looks like he came in from Africa. Do you buy that at the port?

If a lemur jumps out of here, I'm going to be really upset. Why does it look so foreign? That's the stuff you see and move. That's what they pull like fucking nuclear warheads out of and stuff. You went all the way to Mogadishu to get this? I got it. I got it. Oh, wow, Diesel.

That is gorgeous. Still not open. You're like my aunt Patty. Look at this. It's still in the box. I don't be doing that That's a little That's a little

My uncle star might have Flashbacks Easy does it Uncle Lair's a fan of the program That's setting booby traps They're at his show Uncle Laird just speared the TV I'm going to have to buy him a new TV

He's said Claymore's around the living room These old This is goddamn gorgeous Look at that. That's very nice. Can I get hands on that? Yeah. Oh, that's heavy, too.

That's a nice Caesar salad bowl. So what I would do is I did it once on a plate, but you put the anchovies in there, the egg yolk, and you smush it up, and the garlic, and you do it nice. And then you put the olive oil and the lemon in there and the parmesan cheese. Then you put the salad on top. Very nice. And then you mix it up.

What do you mix it up with? My hands. What? these are nice that's rich guy that's rich mom shit that's what that is turns you to a rich lady low budget wolverine huh hey bub this is beautiful huh that's very nice

I feel like that Gia uh what's her name what's the broad's name for one of your videos it's Dakota Tyler okay I will respect Who, baked by Melissa? De Larenta. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Parmesan. I'm more of a fucking barefoot contessa, man. I love that. What's her name? Lady in the Hamptons. Yeah, you love her. You know what I'm talking about. Iena Gartner.

Yeah. Love her. Just waiting that Jeff out, whatever his name is. And I'm making a move next summer. This is beautiful. Thank you, buddy. Give me a hug. I love you.

Oh, it's so sweet. I love you, buddy. Thank you, pal. Merry Christmas. To you and your family. And then what do you get for Lucie? Now, Luke had his holiday. they party not so long ago.

He did. Is that the one that I was invited than uninvited to? Indeed. Now I believe that he actually could have used this then. Are you returning the plate that you took the brownies home in? Oh, these. Very not.

Whoa, cheese cutting board. Or cheese cutting utensils. It's wild. I have a very small set of those. I got the little like baby ones. How do you do that? I don't know, but they're, they work so well. for what the it's like one of those tools where you're like I wish there was some and then you had you go this makes everything easier

Diesel you did great yeah in the home run yeah oh wow the stone and wood combo now what's that all about with the stone very nice meat and cheese no shit maybe I don't know

that makes sense but you're not supposed to put meat on it because the oil stick in there and then wow yeah that's very nice the lady's gonna love this thank Thank you, these. Beautiful. There you go. It's great.

Great job. Also, look at Luke's fucking Mr. Roger's sweater he's got going on. Who fucks this guy think he is? All of a sudden, I get money. It goes to his head. What do you with a Noel Bomback movie? Rat bastard. Nothing on a Noah Bomback?

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That's money. That's Cash App. Cash App is a financial service platform, not a bank. Banking service is provided by Cashab's bank partner. Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank member FDIC. Promotions provided by Cash App a blocking brand. Visit cash. Dot app slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures. Back to the show. Okay. Great job, Diesel. Yep. Let's give these his gifts. I believe it's time to collect. me to go first i just said that yeah it's like mommy and dad are gonna be fighting after this listen i know you like it was a bad year you know i love you right thanks for everything it's a salad bowl you keep the tongs up you're scratching your ass with them oh oh man no listen for the listener if fully ever offers you a salad with them things do not use them

Those two pauls have been in his grundle and under his balls at. Holy shit, dude. Call that plow in the field. Holy shaw, man, those things. You're a big alien guy, as we both are. Me too, by the way. And we're back. You love, you know, astronomy and all that kind of stuff.

So I figured next year. Skateboards. When you're out there in, Where do you go? Martha's Island, Martha's Vineyards? Cape Cod. There you go, Cape Cod. That's for Cape Cod.

This is really nice. Yeah. Yeah. Kippie spent a lot of money. It's a two-house family, two-income family. There you go. A nice rap job, too. Yours was Toys R Us.

Yeah, Macy's. They do it in Macy. I had a great experience. Telescope, lift tripod. Very good. Very cool. Now, here's the thing. You can't track stars with it, but when you look at the moon in that thing, you can see an alien base or two if they're up there.

This is very cool. It's a good one. Also, if your neighbor's in a shower. Mrs. Trang forgot to close the blinds, huh? See, Trang? What the hell can it? He lives in Chinatown. He doesn't.

Yeah. Very nice. This is a great thing. Tell me, do you have to? Have one? No, but I, when I was younger, I had it on, like, a wish list, and I never got one. A lady killer. I had one, and I kept seeing my eyelashes.

Bothered this shit out of it. What the fuck? Holy shit. I could never get locked in on nothing. My dad didn't know how to focus it. I was like, this thing. You follow the instructions. I think there's an app that you can go on it with that will show you, like, where the positions of the stars is.

If there's something going on, like Jupiter is in retrograde, wherever the fuck it is. but looking at having a party or something looking at the moon is it's it's crazy it's crazy the detail it's all a i can't do that on an ipone they got fucking knocked for that already i'm really excited to play with this yeah great thank you that's very cool buddy this is awesome look you want to give them his uh yeah are we love to sing christmas songs on here we get flag i don't think you're that good From Nordstrom. Whoa, look at that.

Looks like it's from the ladies department. Sexy parapet. A director of operations. Whoa. That looks expensive. What the fuck? I've been telling you to get a nice watch. Is that a time X?

Whoa! That's nice. I might have this exact watch. Let's see. Oh, that's an operator watch. Let's show it to the camera. Look at that. Get that.

Good job, Luke. That's beautiful. Thank you, Luke. Very classy. Me and you now. We go to dinner. We got nice watches on. Looking like gentlemen.

Luke knows how to buy rich guy shit. Of course he does. Damn. Yeah. I was also handcuffed to buy my stuff at a hardware store, by the way. So everybody better put their expectations on a curve. And I hope you like might as well. He also invested $20 grand for you in the next fire festival.

Shout out to Billy. That's beautiful. Even the pillow's nice. That's nice. Nice. Put your nuts on that. You take it a nap. Put that big old hog on there. I had all the customer service people. They were like, I didn't even know this one was here. Found a little bit of a deal.

Very nice. Now, let's ask, what's that go for? Because we were kind of loosey-goosey on a price. What is it? A hundred? I'll keep the price tag on here. What did it go for? So Diesel was my most expensive gift. It was a bit of a jam up. I knew he wanted to watch. I'm just curious is what you'll spend without running up by us.

Two on, though. Wow. I respect. That's not, we said around 200 if that was the max, yeah, that was like, let's stay around 100, 2 if it really makes sense and very meaningful. Of course. I love that. Good for you. Thank you so much.

This is such a cool one. Everything's coming up, diesel. Look at that. There you go. All right. All right, diesel, I got you. Give him his wood pellets. I hope you'll like blue.

shop rags I got you an air filter guy ooh de greaser for that hairy you're you fucking dirty attack take your pants would you

don wasn't getting it out you're like a duck in the golf um the reusable shopping tote does not come with it I will need to wrap my wife's present, so I will need this back, okay? All right.

I ran some ideas by you. Listen, Ryan is a craftsman. You're a woodworker. You have your own workshop. You build stuff. You're an inventor, an artist of some kind. You know. Sorry about the gremlins.

Bit of a bad employee. So I really wanted to make sure that, I got you something that was very useful and that you would find, you know, what I mean, that I think Diesel's making out the best this whole foot this day. I'm keeping my mouth shut about it. So here you go. And there's a little bit of a story behind it. There you go.

It's broken. So, whoa, ladies and gentlemen. This is huge. And listen, I'd like to thank the good folks at Home Depot. Why? because all right so get take out the tool first I didn't even see the tool yeah that's bigger than the one you wanted

this is expensive stuff this is a good Christmas this is really good this is really good not a dildo relax what's that is Sander we got a jigsaw Jigsaw the big boy the Walt jigsaw

the Walt jigsaw right let's play a game I mean follow your naked chained up Folli Folli's like I think there's a cell phone in my ass. There's not. Just trying to get me to go digging. So you wanted a smaller one than that. I think, because they didn't have it.

There you go. You wanted one for $1.29. I said, that's right in the price we're looking. And I'm the kind of guy that'll spend money and then throw it in your face. That's what I learned. Right? So this one was $2.49. I said, you know what?

Good kid. Really needs it. Mm-hmm. You know, I'll do it. Plus, I was in a fucking, you were recording in about 45 minutes. I had to get, I can't leave empty-handed. And I'm a DeWalt, man. You really got the Christmas spirit.

I'm not going to get you. Cutting Stark. I'm not going to get you a Ryobie. You know what I mean? I can use this tonight. There you go. And then we'll check the other bag. Kind of weird.

You get up to a Christmas day. There you go. Fresh. The double fresh battery pack. The big boys. You want to hear something good? Does that go with everything? Yes.

Really? You want to hear something nice, right? So I go, you know what? 249, kids worth it. Okay. I'll do that. Okay. Gentleman helps you.

You're in New York, so you can't just be grabbing the stuff. It's all chained up. He goes, I got to take this up to, I'll take this up to a. Nice. Cash register number two for you. Okay. You can pick it up there. I go, thank you very much.

I appreciate your help. Nice guy. I'm walking around, looking at other stuff for people. He finds me six aisles over. He goes, hey, do you mind following me? I thought he called me stealing Foley's president. I said, I was going to pay for him. So he follows.

So then he takes me over to this area, and he goes, there's a wall of the wall specials they're doing. He goes, we're still running a Black Friday special, right? The tool you have is 249. But these batteries, you buy the batteries for $199. If you stick him down your is crack. If you buy the batteries for $1.99, you get the tool for free. What?

How do you do it? Are you kidding me? Swear to God. This guy didn't have to do that. Tracked me down, found me, and goes, I'll meet you upstairs in 10 minutes. I'll go, buddy, you saved fucking Christmas. I'm forever a Home Depot guy. Wow.

How long did you have to suck his dick for it? I did that for free. So this was free? That was free. And the thing is, he goes, I need two new batteries. He goes, I need two new DeWalt batteries or the, or that. I gave me it. First of all, I go, hey, man, what do you need?

He sent me direct links to the stuff and then goes, I can pick it up tonight if these are approved. That's what this fucking guy does. So listen, here, you want to think dirtball Christmas. You got two new batteries. You take this back. Then you're sitting on 250K. I don't know I got to make the Caesar salad. We go to Tony D's and get fucking lit.

One time, is that the family style? I didn't necessarily realize that. I ordered Calamari. They dumped half the fucking Pacific Ocean on me. I said, it's me and two other guys. I said, miss, miss, miss. I'm going to need more marinara. Dude, to bowl the marineri, they gave me the size of your salad bowl.

A small? Very nice. This is a huge Christmas. Yes. I love you, buddy. Great job. These are great gifts. Thank you so much.

For all your work and your wonderful gift, this is beautiful. Thank you so much. Very good. you to the fans of course oh there you go whoever moves into my apartment are gonna your headphones are on by the way thank you buddy there you go all right let's um let's do pitouki luke get your skinny ass over here you little brat um all right let me go first on lukey okay good kid nice kid what do you got something after this

Yeah Are you going out Nice little holiday party You do another one Yeah you're not Can I go to this? Nah Why?

Do cool Come on Yeah for fucking This is a goddamn mess All right Mm-hmm I said I'm a little hand Luke doesn't shop

At Home Depot People of Luke's ilk Have you ever been to Home Depot Just to get light bulbs He wants to hire daily He needed Someone to resurface the pool Didn't want to pay union

Scab Got the rat out in front of his house So I I don't know I don't know what to buy this fucking Fucking bougie-ass rich kid Sure You know what I mean?

I think for what they had to offer This is as luxury as I could get It's not center cord front seat Nick's tickets No and I didn't know this existed And I might have to buy one For myself That's how I, listen, this is one of those gifts.

If it works, I think you're going to use it all the time. It probably doesn't work. You know what it? Like it doesn't work? No, like it works, but I just don't think like the, you know, the, it's not super practical for. Okay. Whatever. Let's see it.

All right. So it's going to, the second I move this, it's going to give it away. But it's a towel warmer. Whoa. A luxury towel warmer for your bathroom. Nah, they do work. Do they? I've never seen them.

That's nice. I think this is going to be a big hit. That could be a big hit. Cold New York winner. Look, there's Luke in the older ladies. The older ladies he's into. His nanny. He kind of is an old woman.

You hear that mom? Yeah, there you go. That's not bad, right? That's great. That's a pretty good swing. That's great. The girl's been freezing at the apartment. Oh, it does everything.

It's just a warmer. It does bath towels, bathrooms, blankets, and PJs. And hot pockets. That's like who invented this creamer And you can do it all while you're doing so much I was literally the only thing in Home Depot that would have even peaked your interest What do you got rich kid at home? Yeah I got a rich kid

I have 14 that's where the rich kid stuff is She's the wall of me He's probably already got five of them but you know Yeah there you Wow thank you love it I love you great job love it We love you pal thank you boys Of course

Oh shit That's for you doing a program here Now I know Listen before you open it I know you're traveling You know so it's I got Small ones If you want to take them with you and do them

See as I'm gonna open and play with a Christmas Eve Let's go That's the Lego F1 series And I couldn't just get you one Because how do you play with them So you got one two and three there Thank you very cool And I didn't know the teams

You know what I mean But I know you're like, who's the kid that you like the other thing that I got you? The Mercedes team, but we got, I mean, I love these. You got Max? We got Max. We got Verstappen. We got Fernando. Yeah.

We got Pierre Gasly. Yeah. Very nice. Are they all on the same team? No, they're all different teams. Perfect. So you can race them. Exactly.

Yeah, because if they were on the same team, they couldn't race, obviously. No, federal restrictions. I love it. Thank you. Very cool. I needed some Legos. And yeah, this is a great. Love you, kid.

Love you, brother. Good shit. Love you guys. Great job. Another good year in the books. Give me a favor. Clean some of the shit up for you go upstairs and disappear for the rest of the day. No smoking weed now.

Yeah, I can smell it. Cody's putting out dinner at five. Don't be late. And you're not going out tonight. Now you give yours. I forgot I'd get more gifts. Oh, yeah. Ain't them.

Luke didn't give us anything. Where are you going? You're moving the chair? Oh, what did you get us? Where are you from Nordstrom? Listen, I like, I like, listen, best gift you could have got me, I'm going to spoil it. La Juree. Something I can give my wife, because I didn't buy her shit yet.

You got her at the Walt. Babe, it's just what you wanted, a mitre saw. Throw all that mitre in your doing. All right, we'll do Foley first. Why are you kneeling? Why'd you take the chair? I don't know. I like it, though.

Okay. Thank you, buddy. Beautiful rapping. Nordstrom, very nice. probably not going to fit let's see that's why I got this one ooh

oh an uggs scarf a very nice butterscotch scarf wow bringing back actor folet perfect time I know

very nice impossible to deal with diesel my sunglasses and something from my throat semen this is beautiful very nice you like it

I love it yeah I know somebody It has one of these, and I admire style very much. Okay. Sidney, sweetie. Work of style. Now you got a way to, now you got a little way to get in. There you go.

That's how I... Lime! Oh, yeah. Lime! Looks like you've been a car accident. I'd go, I'd go, I'd go, I'd go. Your Honor, I was at a Christmas party with my friends. It's a tough color.

Beautiful, thank you. No, I'm saying a tough color, it looks like a neck brace. Yes. Very nice, Lucas. Beautiful. And then for the man who has it all I got shit I got headaches

What do you get? I got back taxes Am I in there? That's beautiful thanks buddy Of course love you Okay Now a guy he likes to unwind A guy like to unwind

He likes to unwind He likes to unwind Ryan looks over He do like that one Usually takes about six weeks to do it What's that means It means you're wound up tight And you're an asshole

What the fuck? We're having a nice Christmas Henry now. He's got to self-sabotized. You know what I mean? I push people away because I was abandoned as a child. He supposed to get abandoned as an adult.

Sounds like what? He says, you're about to get abandoned as an adult. About to get a red baron, huh? A little pizza in there. Because we're all walking. There's a bit of a kit here. Okay. A few different gifts.

That's what I like. A project. There we go. Is there an order? should be open to these? Nah, just go for it. Very nice. I hope it's bath salts to chill you out.

Oh, it is. A bath soak. A bath from bathorium. Whole little bath kit in there. As you know, I like a tubby time. Very nice. Smells great. That's awesome.

Good job, Luke. This is great. Lucas. You didn't do this today, did you? About 11 a. Because I was getting the alerts that he was taking an Uber on the company account. So I knew when he was getting picked, I took one there. You didn't need to take one there.

They could have taken a subway and then taken one home. But he took one there. It's the holiday. I went, I literally saw it. I went, oh, because I get a text. Oh, you better believe. I don't like that, by the way. What?

You get a text when I'm doing my business out there. I didn't get it. Oh, man. It smells like hot guy. It smells like a girl. Smells like an Uber black. Breadbitts asshole. Is that a lot?

It's not a little. Um, yeah, it's all, like, kind of different stuff. Very nice. You got the snooze bomb. Call that, hey, fully set. How you do? I just, I just play some of the dailies, and I take on that. Some of the Toonies that didn't work.

Um, the body zone, scent discovery set, lotion bar trio. I used my, boost those. I used my last piece of soap today. Pretty good. Really? Did you flush it down the toilet? No, it literally, like, it disappeared in my hand. It might be in my taint.

I don't know. Let me get to this fucking serving clause. I've done that before. Very nice. Thank you, buddy. I got one more in here. Yeah. That's great.

Oak Essentials, the perfecting body scrub. Ooh. Oh, buddy, tonight's going to be a good night. I'm putting a baby in the wife to bed. getting a garage beer taking care of myself little me time thank you very much that's great luke great job pal we love you love you buddy give me a hug come here give me my stepson you need some money for school come on to see it oh look at that okay listen best christmas yet Just me and you.

Right? I got two for you, technically. I pulled the H-foli. I went up. Yeah, I got three for them. Hell, you know. Thank you. The one's still in the other room.

I hope you can drive stick. 1983 Chevy Spectrum. Needs a little body work. Okay. Yeah. you want to go first i'll go first this one is for uh the little bambino the little kippina this is from all of us this is from from me and the boys very nice just a little christmas present um i think i got the sizes i got it at dxel how long you've been right now on

about 25 minutes all right i have the receipt too just in case the uh the one thing oh yeah throat slitter just in case the one thing doesn't fit I do want to picture what I'm in the outfit at a certain point whenever he gets into it he doesn't he's not doing pictures at the moment no no press browner radar got to keep it fly over there now that's for a one-year-old

whoa so I figure you got 35 minutes I'll get into it 12 months that should work yeah they might be a a little long. Yeah, it'll work. A little pants. Look at it. Huh? Now, what do you wear that with?

A set of timbos. That set of timboes. A nice fresh set of butters. Yeah. I was looking for sunglasses, but I couldn't find them. Look at that. Now, there are fives. He's foot's not that big, right?

No, I don't think he's in shoes yet. How big is his feet? About 13. What's shack? No. I don't know. That's crazy big. He's not in shoes.

Yeah. His foot's not that big. So I might have to save them for a year Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're gonna have to I don't think, I don't know, but he's, they're, I just couldn't tell it. I didn't want to get him six month old shoes. No, I don't know.

Like, you know, like shoes for six months old. Well, he's not working yet, so he doesn't have to wear shoes that much. You know what I mean? No, that's awesome. Thank you very much. Of course. It's very sweet. Oh, great.

Fresh beer. Yeah. Look, all you selling fucking dine bags and all fucking Academy Road. Pull one of the pant legs up. Yeah. That's fucking big Js. That's a big J outfit if I've ever seen one. And then listen.

Uh-huh. We drive you crazy. Sometimes you can't. I drive you crazy. Sometimes you can't take your frustration out on me the way you would like to. Well, this is... I feel doing a pretty good job of it. This is a non-lethal way you can take it out of it.

What do you get the boss? Which is what you get them. A nerve gun. So you're going to end in a fist fight. Merry Christmas. That's sick. You got three styles, a 48 round clip, motorized, automatic. A little fucking nickel.

You respect me. I'm going to start fucking. Everybody better tooteline. You can put it by your desk in case the Uber Eats guy acts up. Look at that, huh? Look at that. That's heavy artillery. That's bigger than anything I ever had.

Assault commander. Customize your ultimate blaster. Look at that. Yeah, you can do a handgun. Three motorized auto firing. Do you get permits for that? I don't have to blur that. This is a joke.

This is all. This is a P. You're going to fucking... I'll purchase. That's great. That's sick. The only toy I really liked were guns. Yeah, of course.

You know what I mean? I know. That's great. Very cool. I thought I got everybody's personality on this round. That's great. Keldon. Very nice.

Diesel, creep up. Luke likes the F1, European, I'm an indie man myself, John to the 500, and, you know. I got you two gifts. Please. One's a little, not gimmicky, but, you know, a little cutesy-wootsie. I love cutesy-woozy. You know, you love getting cozy, right? You're a cozy guy.

You love the changing of the seasons. It's cozy, it's cozy season. Yeah, it's cozy. You know what I mean? You have some cold, long nights, you know. Ahead of me? In general, a lot of people do. That's what I'm saying.

You know what I mean? I got you a heated. Wow. Look at that. Whoa. That's beautiful. Just something to cozy up by your... Look at that handy heater.

When you're sleeping on a park bench. Folks, you all loan this Christmas season? And a 200-foot extension cord so you can steal power from a nearby deli. I got to warm this thing up. I had a starboarder as close as a nine. That's beautiful, Kippie. Thank you. That's just a cutesy-wootsie, nice little funsy-onesy.

Look at all this. And then this was the real, and listen, this is a little more practical for all of our day-to-day life. Okay. But I wanted to get you something you actually use. A lot of times you buy these gifts and just practical, whatever, you know what I mean? Okay. I got you this. Did you go to somewhere else?

No, I just stole your bag. Oh, see. What we got here? What the, no way? What? The dildo set. Cold brew maker. A cold brew maker.

You like your little small cold brews? I do. I like my C.Bs. I like that cold foam, too. Uh-huh. This is beautiful. So I figured if we have it here, you don't have to do the hot call.

That, because you spend a lot of time here. Yes, I do. So it just, you know. More now than ever. Sure. He cozy up with a heated blanket and an ice cold brood overite and a little tuby. Yeah, I thought it would be nice for you. Home run, kid.

Home run. There you go. That's beautiful. Got the 42-ounce removable reservoir. That's great. Tip. Three cup size. I never got that reservoir tip.

My whole weiner fit in there. No, that's where the... Yeah, I got you. All right. It's where the cold foam goes. There you go. Beautiful. Thank you.

Very nice. Happy, Merry Christmas, everybody. Merry freaking Christmas. I think everybody got it. I mean, that might have been the best. That's the best year ever. That's the best year ever. That's a pretty good theme for us, is everybody pick a store.

That's fun. Because then you really, you're like kind of pinned down to make the decision, you know what I mean? In a good way. Very nice. Very nice. But being our Christmas spectacular. Of course. We have to get to some.

Y-G-frigging questions. Gang, as you know when you join the Patreon, we will answer your garbage question or tell your garbage holiday story on the air. A couple of good ones. Makes a great gift. Makes a great. It does. You can now gift a little too late.

Listen, also, it's Christmas Day. You're jammed the fuck up if you don't have a present. Patreon membership. Sure. Out the door. All right, let's see here. All right, let's start off with a little bit of a Christmas story here. I love it.

This one's from J.B. $10 listener, sort of new. I left the East Coast for all the standard garbage reasons, mainly heroin. I moved to Montana and reset. Very good. Fast forward many years later, I started an HVAC company and met a woman who has kids. Times were tough in the beginning, as it was six years of struggling to keep my head above water. You could say I was jammed up.

One especially bad Christmas, I had a client who would just not pay on time. It's commercial work. and there's a lot, there's not a lot you can do if they don't give you the draw. Right. Which I know my family deals with that still to this day. You invoice, they go, I'll see you in 90 days. Well, I needed the money to pay for Christmas, but we weren't getting paid for our November draw. Me and her, me and her could wait, but these were young kids.

We had to have something for them to open. I had credit at one of my supply houses still, so you can guess what we got the kids. Or maybe not. We got them lumber. and we printed out skateboard ramp designs I even got an outdoor I even got them outdoor rated screws I don't think it was their favorite Christmas

worst part is we never built the ramps I love that if that's not a dirt bag going I gotta get you something putting it on the business account I would never have thought of that that's what being a fucking dirt bag on Christmas is all about I would have been pumped as a kid

right that the thing he never got built but you know listen everybody kind of knows you get a half pipe fucking schematics you probably ain't happening but what the what's how you get hurt talk about keeping the plate spinning yeah i fucking love that's beautiful shout out to you that's fucking great and shout out if you're kicking the h yeah there you go and start your own company i tried to score out there montana it's tough talk about dry uh that's amazing what a fucking also those kids probably i mean probably wasn't their favorite they'll remember it forever

remember forever and when they realized that oh yeah what you did as Is it like they get older and they have kids? You can throw it in their face. You're right, bastions. I'm not even your real bad. I got that a couple of times. What'd your real dad get you? What?

All right, let's see. This is from Schmugly. Great name. Every Christmas Eve, my family meets up in the afternoon and just drinks till the kids start yelling about Santa. The last three to four years, a bunch of adults have been hitting the casino after. Shout out to parks.

Oh, my God. Shout out to parks. I mean, that is a thing Because as you get older I mean, you've experienced it a little longer But like when it stops being about You and your brother I mean, you probably hated it

Yeah And it's about I'm over it now But for a while Like from like 30 to 40s 8 It was like what the fuck Maybe today But shout out to Patty

She would always get me a little toy If it was like something like the Star, the Tie Fighter I got to have something to play with But why? Because I'm fucked up Okay I gotta have something

Uh huh Especially if I laid it out nice for everybody Yeah Come at me with some magnet What kind of spill you got going on over there Jesus Christ Cup soda I don't care what it is

Um And then when I got too old for that She started getting me Those Hallmark ornaments But she would get get me like a Star Wars one, where it's a spaceship. And if you unscrew that thing that hooks onto the fishing line, you got a toy. And some of them light up.

She gave me a Star Trek Enterprise that lights up all over. It's like the real thing. If I can, you know, warp speed that a little bit. You hear that other jealous 50-year-olds? You too can deconstruct Christmas ornaments and make your own toys. I've got to do something while I'm waiting for the Captain Chuckies to get brought out. Fair enough. A shroom cocktail.

There was a handful of years before my brother had kids. And he wasn't in a super serious relationship or whatever where me and him were rolling as adults. Sucks. That was the, what do you thought so? I mean, yeah, I also didn't want to still be a kid. So we had a bit of a different outlook on things. No, we were in our, I was probably 20, he's 25, whatever. And we just, you know, we party hopped a little bit.

A couple beers here, then we go to N.Ks, and we go pop over there. Then he's going to meet our boy, Nicky, and I, I'm going to go meet Pat, whatever or what. It was just like... That's when he kind of don't really give a fuck, and you're like, give me some cash. Yeah. I'm with you on. I'm still like that. I mean, this is Christmas aside.

You know, I got something done. I forgot I had a kid. Well, let me tell you this. What also supplements the not getting toys anymore is when the kid, when my niece and nephew were little, I could get toys for them, especially the kid. Sure. Because I, you know, he was in Legos and Star Wars and all that shit. So I get all that shit for them and then we play with it together. We're currently at the point now where it's like not about, it used to be about the super about the kids.

And now it's like, let not to say that it's not about. It's more about like all of us as a family because the kids are a little grown. Yeah. You know what I mean? So it's like not as, it's not as fucking magical and stuff like that. It's more like we've done this a bunch and now. Now it's more fun as a family. As a whole, which we've never, like I said, we play those games and stuff like that,

and everybody has a good time rather than being, like, super focused on the kids, which is very fun. This year, I didn't tell you, they're trying to do the Grinch. No. We all got to dress up as the Grinch or something. That's the trashiest. That's got fucking scars, kids. My brother said, because they're like, oh, Kevin and Danny are the Grinch.

My brother goes, I'll go full fucking movie level and scare the fuck out of every. I will ruin this motherfucker. You call me. He's thinking I'm a bad time. You want to fucking, I'll call your bluff. Your house is on fire. Yeah, just show up. You look out, your cars are torched.

Me and him are out front smoking. You're doing that. He's doing that dance. Which I'm like, that's not fun. That scares the fuck. I mean, listen, that is a dirtball move, and I respect it. The worst, the costume is the better. One time it was just a guy in a green hoodie running in.

It looks like you're fucking robbing the place. You got your hand in a brown paper bag. I see one where the guy gives in and beats up Santa. You know, it's like, you know, they're doing, they're all in on the bitch. I know I know how showbiz works. You don't have to tell me, guy. Yeah, man, the kids freak out. You would have done that shit in the 90s.

That one, there's a caught a fucking Zima bottle to the head. Fuck that. Try still my fucking GI juice. I'm a hopped up on Mike's hard, dude. Try that. There's that one. coming in and your legs you're going out on your back Grinch sneaks around the tree outside

and ruins dude just ruins Christmas for the neighborhood. Those kids lose their fucking shit. That's so fucked up. Just what do you do when you're trying too hard. It's so fucked up. I kind of like it. What's the deal with the Grinch? They didn't

do that out of your house, did they, Luke? They did not? Yeah, you'd probably sue them. I'll call my lawyer. Get left-right center and that That's it. Another big thing left. The games are big, and I love that.

Yeah, it's fun. It's made it, like, that's what I'm saying. Like, it's, it's, it's more communal, right? Yeah, it's like, it's just fun. Which I love doing. Yeah. All right, let's see here. This is a great one.

This is from Andy Caps, Hot Fries. Shout out to you. $10 figgy pudding here. Great. Never had one read. I got my mom a $3 VCR for Christmas this year so she can watch old home movies. That's great. Trashier, classy or classy.

Yeah, now is the sweetest thing I've ever heard. It's the sentiment. You know, it's trash, but it's sweet as a pie. I don't know, man. It's not classy. What a $3 VCR. I mean, if I'm sure there's a, I'm celebrating. They're not selling $100 VCRs anymore.

I can get you on. Go down to home deep, though. That's just what a VCR goes for. That's adorable. You're giving her the gift of fucking Christmas pass. Yeah. Or she sees him be like, times ain't as nice as I remember. You know what I mean?

Looking back with rose-colored glasses on. A grinching black and white. Nothing on it I didn't I didn't I was thinking more like The dad hooking up You know I don't know

Something I'm with you You went you went to Grinch I went more Yeah Trashy I'm doing a callback No showbiz huh

You better have the cables With that VCR machine Now That's gonna do You gotta wait till the stores open On Tuesday Fucking jammed up Man

Got a good cry in This is a perfect This is what the holidays or about this is from Brooke T. This is the first year, oh, the first year my husband and I had Christmas dinner at our house, which is always big.

You're trying to set the new tradition. Yeah. Because that happens. We were talking to me and my wife. Those shifts are tough. We're in one right now. We're kind of in one as well. We're like my,

we just did the last Thanksgiving in my mom's house. She's moving. You know, we don't, we no longer, like my brother goes to his in. Like, we're just all kind of nomadic a little bit. Sure.

For the dust to really settle. And we're figuring that out. So this family, this couple's trying to do it. This is the first year, my husband and I had Christmas dinner at our house. We invited both of our families. Dun, dun, duh. His semi-estrange mother and dirtbag brother hadn't spoken to each other in 18 years. Holy shit.

That's your first mistake. You don't invite one of them. And probably the mom, because you said semi-estranged. You bring that to neutral turf. You needed a parking lot or something. Let them talk it out. Yeah, no, make sure no one's carrying weapons. over a dunk and don't have a coffee and then you just come to the house that's it's coffee

and a couple of heaters sure leaning on a car walking around the car not looking at each other for a couple of minutes uh-huh you know then you're crying by the end um they were both in the house together all christmas and never said a word to each other the brother ate dinner in the basement so he didn't have to sit with the rest of the family and he hotboxed our basement bathroom without asking we only invite my family over for christmas now you got to learn the hard way you gotta learn the hard way what's wrong with that son how old was he i mean 18 years he's got to be over 18 you go downstairs and eat in the basement you gotta figure he stopped talking to her at 18 so he's in his 30s Jesus that's crazy he stopped talking to her two with no one

estranged from their mom it's i wouldn't do that because how are you gonna get seconds you're gonna go up to fucking stairs and walk by everybody i don't think he cares i'd take two plates down that's what i'd do uh let's see This one's just cute This is from Dirthead Hey gang Love All Happy Holidays Is it garbage to try and trap Santa as a kid

I remember setting up trip wires And hitting cameras To try to catch them slipping I live in Fairbanks Alaska Which is right next to the North Pole So I figured I had a pretty good shot To get them at my place I could stop him and his elk

It's dead in their tracks Get them early in the night Or late Maybe that's the last stop You know what I mean? he's tired you know you fucking catch him slipping either i ended up killing my uncle either what listen if i lived up there you got i mean you gotta think you can get them yeah you know what i mean it's just by proximity sure he's got it you know you're in a neighborhood

probably like seven in the morning by then he's exhausted you know what he's got those two three wines in them you're all fucking full on cookies and milk and she's sluggish it's probably bumping it in that's how you get them Yeah, catch him slipping. Have you ever done that? What? Me and my cousins one time, we tied fishing line from the coffee table, like into the couch. Got my uncle good.

Because you're trying to catch the Easter bunny. I chip my tooth. He's all pissed. You little bastard. You're like six. Oh, my God, who fucking kill you. Yeah, dude. I don't got dental to work.

You bastard. He tripped? Yeah. Dude, you're lucky you didn't kill him. I know. You catch the corner of a coffee table. You're fucking a bye-bye. Yeah, that's tough.

Also, now as that uncle, if you're, like, I got nieces and nephews that are six, I'd be. I know how that fall feels right now. That's fucking funny. Oh, my God. Everyone's your brother and your shirt kind of laughing at you. That's embarrassing as shit, dude. One time, this was in the summer, our dog. I thought raw chicken was poisonous to dogs.

And I was bringing out a thing of cutlets to throw them on the grill, like a chicken breast to put on the grill. Oh, Christmas? No, that was in the summer. I was going to fuck real chicken breast. On Christmas. I was like, bad damn guys are fucking ass backwards out there. I mean, these motherfuckers love cutlet.

I'm not there doing brisket like a dick end. But I had a plate of raw chicken, and everybody was in that sunroom, the heater room okay and uh people are hanging out in there in the summer you got gas masks on in the summer it's all open that's heater town usa it's right now it's heater town oh man to walk out there that that cold dank oh patty just standing there with this look on her face and her robe just yeah that was the show brutal but in the summer it's nice and it's all aired out anyway that's not what we're talking about here it's not everybody's sitting around

Yeah. Okay, I got my bathing suit on. My dad bathing suit on it didn't really fit. And my ass was kind of sticking out. So the dog bites his chicken breast and he's got in his mouth and won't let it go. So I'm like, fuck, it's great. And I'm trying to get out of his mouth. My brother takes his finger trying to be a smart guy and shoest it in your ass.

Sticks it down my butt crack a little bit and gives me a little. Oh, really? Yeah. So I fucking freaked on on him. I'm like, the goddamn dog can fucking die, you asshole. Everybody looked at me like I was nuts. You think I'm the one that. It's well tight.

It's crazy. How do you think I'm the angry one? What? I didn't have bansle. I didn't have baffles. Yeah. I don't like that shit either. Slap this shit out of you.

You would have done that to my uncle Joe or Uncle Mike and my dad. Ooh, you would have caught a fucking dress shoe in your ass. Yeah, that's what fucked you up. It's my immediate. Like a little butt plug boy. Stop spilling the droid. I'm not. Just club soda.

I don't care. what it is. It's just odd to have a conversation with the guy who's just fucking in an earthquake all this sense. I'm sitting a little loose wrist, loose wrist, Lucy over here. Sit you like a Dean Martin? Yeah, what the fuck? Oh, folks, I wasn't supposed to be here.

But I slipped on an ice cube and fell. You need a screw top on your scene. I'll get you one of a little Caparino sippy cups. All right, let's see. This one's up. for debate, and I can go either way on this, depending on your budget. This is from Tootty's Tight Leather Pants, great name,

$10 heater dealer, never have one read. Got a holiday conundrum for the boys. Please. Say you're a part of a secret Santa and there's a $50 minimum on the gift. Okay. Right? Which you never hear minimum, which I kind of like, if it's a good circle.

$50 minimum. I kind of like that. I like the maximum for like work people, but if it's like, if everyone's loved ones, a minimum's nice. I'm like, give them that extra, because there's such a nice difference between the 20 and the 50. You can get something intentional for 50.

If an office thing does the 50 max, you always go 100. Yeah, you, yeah. Because you look at, you know what I mean? Especially you're trying to make out in the office. I did one. Bad. You did? I never told you that. What? It was so embarrassing.

You hooked up with somebody in the office? The holiday Christmas party. Oh, you did tell me about this. Her mom worked there, too. Her dad was the owner of the place. And her mom worked at the place you worked at. I mean, I forgot about that. I didn't, I don't, no, no, that was, okay, two different stories.

That was an Easter party. That was my cousin. Shout out to Debbie. You're a great girl. I forgot about that. You did, huh? Wow. Were you making out there at the Christmas?

What are you talking about? Were you doing it at the Christmas party? I'll make out you right now. Are your pigs in the blanket breath? Yeah. No. Well, the one that you're referencing, no. The one, the story I was telling, it was like we were all out.

We all went to like a hat, like a roving happy hour bar to bar, like 50 of us. They had it set up. And man, I sure is fucking Baroutes McGoots. Probably enough toothpicks in your pocket to fucking reforest the Amazon. And I did have a blazer. on of some kind of nice the worst part is uh it was a thursday night so we had to go into work on a friday which was nobody can call out either oh dude it was so embarrassing hey hey yeah there's this wall it was sorry i started crying

you don't know it doesn't happen to me dude we walked right with dude there's a long hallway and we you know it's just me and her in it we had to walk all and just like a I think she looked down, rightfully so. Ouch. It wasn't my best. Is this when you were at your plumpist? I was at my bigger. Yeah, this is Raven Lounge years.

This is when I was eating from that food truck and that girl wanted to date me. The Estonian girl that worked the daughter that worked the food truck. Oh, man. A bit of a ladies, man. Listen, my. You want to date? My daughter? Nah, just give me the cinnamon raisin with the extra cream cheese today.

Slices of bacon. I was doing those cobbasa sandwich is for lunch. Imagine watching a guy with... After roll, please. Imagine watching a guy eat colbasa every day and smoke heater. I used to stay in 10 feet away. I'd eat. I'd eat standing.

The other customer, can he give us a break with that? I got soup here. I'd eat standing up in crank eaters. I eat kibasa multiple days away. It was five bucks or something. It was between Italian sausages and the klobasa. I got on the kubas. I was never a big fan of kubasa, but they ran out of sausages.

Cabasa's great. I eat them out of sausage one week, so they had to pivot over to the fucking to the bossy. Oh, we got his tofu dogs. All right. Yeah, imagine seeing like that and then hit. Asking me out on a date. When you blistered kibasa, when you cook it at high heat, it gets a snap on it like you wouldn't believe.

Yeah, great snap. That water will burn, you know, inside. That juice, that's a lot of juice. I know, and I used to feel I would get that juice on me, and I would smell it. But hours later, I'd be like, I'd smell it hours later working and be like, I smell like a Polish fucking meat factory. Yeah, the only problem with that is every once in a while, you get the tooth in there. You know, like the little white chunk? Cartilage or something.

Yeah. Something has got to be rerun through the grinder. It looks like baby teeth. Oh. All right. We got to switch gear. We'll do our other cobasso stories on a later date. Let's see.

You say you're a part of the Secret Santa and there's a $50 minimum on the gift. Now, what if you find something that's over 50 bucks but was on sale making it 30? Is it trashy to count that as hitting the? the set minimum, or is the classy move not counting as hitting the minimum and buying a second smaller gift? No, don't buy a second smaller gift. If you've done your job, that ain't your fault, what, you know, what that retailer decides to put on sale or not sale.

Original retail price. Okay. Sales don't count. I got to, I mean, listen, in the, uh... What are you doing? I was looking at my phone. What do you think of? You get nervous.

somebody calling for me yeah that's what you think it is who's that is it a guess about me I should know it's coming I think there's a thing where listen if you don't really like the person sure go fucking but if you're in the holiday

gift given season I get him the second gift I would say that's what I would say this is office this no I mean it says the minimum 50 so I'm assuming it's a little more

you know of loved ones of some kind or a little thicker connection I would say do it but that's just me yeah I get either way though for sure definitely scum bag them sure lights just go off and come on again I don't think so what are you having a stroke it might be what the fuck that's bubbling yeah you guys see that right they're old school lights maybe we get a lot of comments on the old school lights of Ryan d found him on eBay this one's not working. Well, look at that. Do you work here?

Yeah, we didn't use here. Oh, these aren't new? No. All right, let it go. Back here, doing a show. Give it a blue show. All right, let's see this one's from heaven. $10 home.

He never had one read. My sister got so drunk on Christmas Eve a few years ago that she took out her partial tooth denture to eat, and she misplaced it. The rest of the night, she was convinced she swallowed it to the point of hysterically crying and wanting to go to the hospital. Nobody knew where it was, and my mom ripped apart at the house and even the garbage. Christmas morning, my older sister found it in the fridge in a bag of lunch meat.

I guess my sister forgot she put it in there when she was making a sandwich. In fact, this was my husband's first Christmas with my family. Dude, lunch meat on Christmas is no good. That's what, dude, let's run this series of avenge. Lunch meet on Christmas, then lunch, meet Christmas morning, because the sister found it. That's what you didn't pick up in the story. That sister woke up and went, I'll do a turkey sandwich and found a dench. Who's putting it in there?

Your family is Annie Mao. That's crazy. But in that, in that same vein, my brother. Uh, this is a couple years ago. The show was happening. My brother, we were doing like the, we do like a roast, like a steak or whatever, a filet roast or whatever. I think you meant like, uh. Guys, my, Denise is here.

Everybody give it up for Denise. Ah, my mom, everybody. You got the whole day and set up in ship. Jeff Ross is there. Uh, and he bit on the, like a chewy, a tender piece of meat, cracked his tooth, swallowed it. A chewy tender piece of meat? Ah, whatever. piece of meat you drinking over there what are you just spilling all over to play that was an accident

okay getting oddly defensive about the spill if someone else around you spilled five times you'd make a comment on it she shut out uh you're like i it's just first of all nobody accused you of drinking and you said you weren't drinking seven times a bunch of pills fall out of my um you're so you've been on a tough piece of me i guess or yeah whatever you do a roast yeah Thank you. Mm-hmm. I don't. No.

I eat it. Would you know even how to cook a roast? Put in the oven. That's it? My brother's teeth fall out. That's tough. He cracked his tooth, swallowed it. And then we were like,

you got to swallow my tooth. It was like the first bite. And I was like, dude, we are dirt bags. I'll take his plate. You're going to finish that roll? Yeah. Yeah, we do a roast. Hmm.

For my small family on Christmas Eve. Like my... With all the trimmings? Yeah, I guess I don't really remember I don't know if we're doing Like Cheetos and pretzels Got him arranged around it

With a Gatorade How's you We turn it into a dip somehow You dig out a hole For ranch dressing in there Uh yeah Filet bowl Fuck a bread bowl

Um That's great All right let's see This is from ranch on pizza Longtime Comrade of Zepbound, shout out to you, never have one read. Is it garbage if your parish pastor had to cancel midnight mass going forward because too many people were showing up drunk.

Nothing like hearing 50 drunk dead scream sing Silent Night. That's awesome. That's the one they all try to. That's the one everybody checks in on. It never occurred to me to do that until a couple years ago. We usually go to St. Helena's. But the Monsignor, or one of the, One of the fathers, one of the priests, my mom, like, went over to visitation.

It's the Italian church. A little bit older, a little bit older. But it's an old school church, Italian's in there, the family and all that kind of stuff. It gives you a good vibe. Sure. You know what I mean? You get over to pepperoni smell. It's nice.

The incense covers that up. No offense to you and your family personally, Mr. Dee. Slip my throat later. Good thing I had to get a piano wire, huh? What? Sorry, I'm reading some questions. I got to produce the goddamn show. It's not all here to make fun of our Italian friend.

Anyway, but we went to my cousins, and then we did a midnight mass, and I had two, three, in me. It was real nice. Yeah, I stopped doing a mass about a decade ago. You don't go at all. You don't go at all. Huh. Then he stopped fighting me on it. I think they stopped going as a family, too.

Now there's so many. The peace goes. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I can't let my mom go alone. She does it every week. I mean, she probably goes with my sister. My mom? I don't know what she does in her spare time, but apparently.

Hey! What? No, my mom probably goes with my sister. She knows the YMC wasn't topples. I didn't her fucking fault. You put a sign up. She thought it was the village people, YMCA. I thought he's partied.

Yeah, my mom goes with Denise. My brother and his family go over. Your mom goes with Denise. Your sister goes. My sister, whatever. My mom goes to my sister. my brother and his family go on their own. Yeah.

And then I'm just not, not for me. Heathen. Yeah. That is what it is. I have my own, I have my own, you know, traditions. You have a good time in hell. Yeah. Won't be lonely.

Mm-hmm. Just watch Man on Fire. People talk about him. Dakota Fanning and that. She's like 10 years old. Killing it. Killing it. Crazy.

First time I cried ever watching a movie. Oh my God Didn't know Hungover Then doubles back at the end What the heck is even that Why did he have to give himself up You had the brother

Your life for a life But he gets two lives out of him I know I know Listen Hollywood What you want for me You don't know Hollywood Welcome to show business I want to get that jacket he wore

It's not cool if he walks away I know Nobody be talking about that fucking movie He hops on the jitney to Cancun Alright later He was all spent anyway He wanted to go home he was he was he was gonna die anyway that's why he gave himself he was fucking

lit up fucking guy was the brother caught him with one in the lung uh huh yeah he was done so he's going yeah okay i'll fucking the wife was great in that too she's having a resurgence is she she was in white isn't that her from white lotus no who yeah she's one of the friends of the the actresses in white lotus isn't she no kidding look stop playing with your toys Uh, two hearts of crazies, London has fallen. I could be wrong on that.

I'm not, I don't see, uh... Give me a couple years. I got her back in the business. Start making some moves. You know? Uh... Key. Sorry, I'm trying to...

Oh, I thought it was her. Or maybe it's not her. Nah, it's not. Um... But that, there's that one broad that looks like her that's making a... Oh, I know who you're talking about. Making a comeback. Yeah.

Oh. She was a wet load of season one. No, just the most recent one. Like the smart one of the three friends? Yeah, with like the Bob. She's had that same haircut forever. And then she was just in a, I think she was in that, that, the whores of Houston or whatever that show we were talking about. Oh, the hunting wives.

The hunting wives. I think she was in that. She was a, yeah, yeah. Yeah. How you doing? They're having sex with everybody. Is it scripted or in reality? You're a fucking dirt bag.

Why? It's it scripted. I don't know. Why, what would you want? I like to, I like to sell me Manhattan. girls and the selling sunset ladies. Oh, you like the hottest fake as world's ever? They're not fake, and I tell you what, they're great

business women and saleswoman. They make tons of cash. They close deals. I believe it's Carrie Coon. That might make sense. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, she's gildedade.

She's been killing it recently. That's what I'm saying. I think she's like a very, not very, but whatever. She was around, and then I felt like I didn't see her, now she's in everything. Killing it. Good for her. Yeah. Man on fire.

Man on fire. Check about it. Christmas movie. It is to watch around Christmas. Why? That's just cool. It's one of those movies you can watch over again. Any movie you can watch over again is great for the holiday season.

Like the Godfather's always running. That's not a Christmas movie, but it's always on A&E every Christmas. They run that shit back. I'm with you on it on it. Thanks, buddy. All right, this one's from Wade Boggs beers. Working in a restaurant, a bunch of us would get stuck working Christmas Eve. We would all, we would have a dip party.

Everyone would sign up a dip to bring and we'd have a spread. I'm talking taco dip, buffalo chicken dip, casso dip, you name it, we had it. That's great. We would close early and eat chips and dip, drink beers, and do white elephant exchange, some of my best Christmas memories ever. That's all right. That's what it's all fucking about. All dips. Just all dips.

All dips. You're sitting in the dining room, laughing, beep, probably going over your receipts, counting your tips, Talk trashing this person Trashing this person That's what it's fucking about I might switch over to all dips all the time Just dips Dips and apps

Yeah I'm not I'm not Christmas miracle I can do all dips But it's got to be different vehicles Going into the dip 100% Maybe some pizza

Some fucking some thick crackers Some chips Some chips Some pretzel rods All that stuff Are there's good vehicles for dips And some veggies Some veggies are nice.

I like the snap peas. That's where you lose me. Really? Well, I'm not saying it's not nice. You like cauliflower? Small pieces of cauliflower? I like small pieces of cauliflower. Not when it's next to a pretzel rod and cheese dip.

I'm sorry. I just, it's going to lose that battle 100%. If I have pita and vegetables, I'll stick a vegetable in the pita. You fold that like a little piece of pizza and then get the dip. Bang. Yol little sandwich. I need a pita buffer. Oh, for sure.

Yeah. For the carbs. Yeah. But what do you say? we wrap this up big fella i say we wrap it up gang i think you got a little something prepared i got a little something as you know not to as we do here we do a a retailing original piece sure of twice the night before christmas yes which it changes up every year and here we go shout out to the bozos and the homies yes sir shut out oh my conette check bounced

it's a christmas miracle it'd be a miracle if that thing went through Here we go. Twas the night before Christmas, ready? Mm-hmm. Twas the night before Christmas and all through Tootty's. Luke was tossing and turning, dreaming of Ganja and nerd clusters and all Christmas's goodies.

Kippie, the new dad, was wide awake, keeping an eye on little Kipparino so he didn't scarf down all the cookies he baked. A perfect Irish baby, cheeks chubby and red, eyes blue like the sea, and just like his daddy, not a single hair on his head. Tootty was bombed, cigarette and highball in hand. She was honestly so fucked up.

It was a Christmas miracle she could stand. They were all waiting for the bug man to show up, who left hours ago for a pizza. He's probably coked up to the gills and halfway to Abiza. It's been up and down with this guy almost all year long. He thought the past was behind him, but boy, was he wrong. L.A. was brutal, and Boston was rough then the boys put their foot down and said enough is enough just then the door flew open and

bugman appeared with the pizza and beer it was him and his best pal ryan diesel no drugs no gear just smiles on their faces and presents and cheer my apologies boys but traffic got bad and we stopped by the cemetery so i could finally say goodbye to my dad but the pizza's still hot let's all grab a plate I'm sorry again that I showed up so long and so late. Lukie woke up, rubbing his eyes to grab something to eat. Little Kipparino took his baba. He squeezed his daddy's hand as he wiggled his feet. They huddled around the table and laughed and they talked,

remembering all the good times this year and all the miles they walked. A crew like no other, best in the biz, like a Diet Coke at breakfast with its bubbles and fizz. Bugman said, it's good to be back and that we're all still together. He said, from the bottom of my heart, I am sorry for the worst summer ever. So to the Army of Garbage, man your battle stations, because the new tour starts up soon. We'll be in Toronto, Austin, Tampa, and I think Cleveland in June. Still some think it's terrible.

Never tire or fret because we're still in the fight. And a Merry Christmas to all and to all. good a night. We love you, gang. Peace!