Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - A Very Trashy Christmas w/ Kippy & Foley

Episode Date: December 17, 2020

Kippy and Foley are back with the first ever Christmas Extravaganza! They boys exchange gifts while talking trashy presents, trashy holiday foods, and trashy parties. Merry Christmas everyone - thanks for listening! Bonus Episodes: www.Patreon.com/AreYouGarbage Get a Shirt: www.PodcastMerch.com Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomey Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash now here are your hosts Kevin Ryan and H Foley hello everybody and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast this is are you garbage mm-hmm the show we sit down with your favorite comedians and find out they grew up classy or if they're an absolute trash I'm your host eights fully coming at you on a beautiful day down here in Toody's basement she's got the joint set up nice for the Christmas now we need is a

couple of bucks for presents my co-host is coming at you from across the table so you know what that means it's the fucking are you garbage Christmas extravaganza extravaganza you are just just for family yeah family episode fan question episode we got a couple of fucking heaters coming in till we reach out to the Facebook group and the fucking patreon members and everybody's coming through with some fucking hot we want to wish you guys a happy merry Christmas to everybody we love it my co-host put this all together all right put the cookies out for Santa gonna be returning in the receipts at the end of

by the way he's been foot in the bill and a lot of fucking fly by night expenses it's gonna be going right back to CVS after this episode turns out I'm Jewish I did get it at CVS can't be Kevin James Ryan everybody hey gang what's up everybody as always thanks for tuning in we appreciate all the support it's fucking fantastic it means them it means so much this has been a fucking whirlwind of a year for us I gotta say we started off this year a couple of fucking slugs couple and now we got a hot pot on our hands daddy got our own office got our office space we got all New York City and it all it's I can't

stress it off it's all the fucking fans it's all the fucking listeners you guys are the fucking shit the patreon members everybody that allows us to fucking do this I thank you so much from the bottom of my fucking hat that being said a little bit of business to fucking get into daddy oh fucking the kiddies need their presence going to the first quarter hot gang guys please make sure you subscribe on iTunes yeah those we're almost at a thousand fucking iTunes reviews hanging out there with the big dog so get on it leave a fucking review and that's something you could do for free that's a freebie I don't care

if you want to join the patreon grade if you want to buy a t-shirt that's great and if you're breaking COVID laws this year and you got a whole bunch of family members on holiday go through some purses grab some phones go to their itunes you're home for the holidays grab my fucking cell phones you don't know what's going on yeah that's right play a bunch of apps suited up on cooking maybe Venmo me a couple of bucks whatever you need guys actual also full video available on YouTube please subscribe there we're almost at 10,000 subscribers we're flirting with it coming up on 9,000 HD video HD video quality shot by the

fucking man T bone himself it's all very good we appreciate that and also patreon.com helps us pay the bills helps us keep the fucking lights on let's us do this podcast as we want to do it no big corporate sponsors here daddy L that's right couple of kids running and gun it with a patreon account that's right it's patreon.com slash are you garbage you can get bonus episodes bonus episodes of are you garbage bonus episodes of hard feelings where it's me and foley behind a curtain a little bit yeah I'm doing some mud slinging t-bone gets in the mix also too at the end of every month we're do I feel like you're

reminding me of this I am yeah I can see your notes or it's really got a patreon also to I hate doing all this but we got to do it you got to do it we do live streams with the top tier people which we did last week which is fucking phenomenal we're having a good fucking time on patreon involved in that's what you need to know tubby time with kippy went live today episode number one you get a shot at the old saucy that's it everybody thanks for tuning in we appreciate it and check out podcast merch.com pick up a little something for somebody you love for the holidays it might not get there before Christmas but

who cares yeah and on that note how about a nice big round of applause for our producer extraordinaire the fucking magic man kid from Chicago small town kid went out there fucking Wrigley Field made it good Toby McMullen everybody. Yeah T-Bow. Merry Christmas pal. I'm excited for my Christmas bonus I got the in-ground pool going in. Put it over there grease ball. Hey McMullen have a good holiday. Just watch Christmas vacation still holds the fuck up. What does it get jelly of the month club? Jelly of the month club. I'll tell you what if the Covid's has done anything it's you know for me it's made me take a

minute appreciate things smell the flowers a little bit and you know even though we couldn't you know go out see the tree do all this fucking bullshit they're in a lot of money or you know for Christmas presents this year sure you know I got the old macaroni and fucking Elmer's glue out fishing line and that fucking fucking Rigatoni when you make something it's from the heart yeah but we you know we decorated the apartment make a snowball with snowman with balls I used to hate those days those days in school the high pressure dude the sound are you got 25 minutes to make something for your mom to make her

fucking proud you're gonna lose her I'm doing the hand turkey freaking out making an ashtray for I did make your yeah dude I made my mom my mom didn't even smoke she was getting fucking ashtray what are they doing wasting people's kids times in fucking elementary school what else are they gonna be doing to teach them how to fucking balance a checkbook some shit elementary whatever I could have used some fucking real-world experience I could have used something not making a fucking ashtray for my fucking mind in a kiln you big kid shut the fuck up I don't know I appreciate it was nice the hair down a

little bit you know we could be learning a lot of better things to prepare people for the for the next millennium age fully 2024 everybody Jesus I didn't get so fucking political in the Christmas I didn't like making that shit okay well fucking 50 years ago let it go you got bigger fish to fry that's patreon.com we got a cup of coffee right Jesus Christ what were we talking about though supposed to be Christmas you were saying you were decorating on your own oh yeah we were really getting into it you did a tree I didn't get a tree yeah we're gonna get a tree we did a little baby cheer we usually do a big size

tree but we're not gonna be here for actual Christmas yeah a little baby one yeah and then we've been watching the movies we've been fucking making cocoa man made a gingerbread house who would have known you did that in August real tree or fake tree growing up oh I'm who's this pose this guy just checking in what are you talking about that's 60 episodes in a day we paid our rent real trees are your tree yeah we did have a fake one for a few years I think my brother was like really allergic we got a fake one now you guys saw it when you went down to film the thing yeah yeah that's different your parents are

old and out the lunch they can't be fucking dragging in a real fucking pine tree it's upside down yeah as you get older obviously but growing up we had a fake one and I fucking hate it's whack one yet only put it together it was like the green level the red level the arm like it took nine hours it looks weird on the it does dude a lot of docking going on I was not a fan now and then finally we're like fuck it Danny can joke to death get to go get the Douglas for fucking bring him back Christmas joy to the desert drop yeah like it was it was just buying for a cent no I got my first real tree this year with my girl ah delightful

experience it's great it's Christmas magic it's great I was opposed my whole life and I was like who gives a shit and I went I'm all in I put it through the net machine remember that when you were a kid I wanted to get in there hey how is how is no like Christmas holiday villain been vanquished with the net machine yeah that's good you know like a home alone three they tossed any DeVito in the fucking thing get Netflix on the phone yeah you garbage Christmas me and you save Christmas come on I'm in any producers out there or anybody want to give me 20 one of the other I got to get a tree and they're expensive in New

York you're that guy you haven't gotten a tree yet I'm sorry we've been busy for next year maybe bozo it's over if you were my you're leaving tomorrow sure what do you first of all I don't have children you know you have you have you're leaving tomorrow yeah I still have fucking you know nine days you want my tree no you're a holiday shrub but no I'm going to get a big man I got a big fucking living room when I tell you don't spend any money dropping a fucking big one whatever my wife can afford I'll tell you that much I got the biggest one but that's my favorite thing in New York and obviously I just I'm sorry to

interrupt what you've been doing at all show but continue why didn't you get a tree earlier you're supposed to put your Christmas tree up after Thanksgiving I explain it to you we've been days before there are recording schedule has been fucking bananas hmm because you're leaving you're leaving for two weeks so I don't have a Christmas tree so you go to fucking Hawaii and run around with that girlfriend of yours and I appreciate yeah so you get it by meanwhile you're you got your fucking feet up in a my tie I'm still out here fucking taking enemy fire what if Kippy got that tree yeah right fucking breaking my balls were

recorded 19 episodes a day so you could go on vacation I'm sitting around a bunch of fat guys in the beach that can be got the tree yeah where's my friends where's that patreon money wait for a fucking to be like you're gonna be like Newman in the beginning of Jurassic Park yeah this is like this is the epitome of our relationship I'm like waking up in the month we're doing like 15 hard to but I get the tree after Thanksgiving like a gentleman yeah well I mean we're through the second we're done we're done recording tonight for the rest of the year and it's vacation mode we're getting the fucking tree tomorrow we're

hanging all this shit we're doing it fucking right I just need to get all this shit behind me hmm does your your girl is German she's German are you gonna do any like German Christmassy things you have to like put gold in some sort of claw they do something with shoes like I remember in French class they did some shit where they put like toys inside cake or something yeah the German they put out if they put change in there yeah it's like yo bitch I ain't chipping my tooth on a nickel for a fucking piece of one on a fucking Deutsch mark they do the Germans do something with shoes I've never really

caught on to but it's like you leave your shoes out you put popcorn in on those year those nico last comes and fucking urban father Christmas and shit who do a fox hat but they do do they do these fucking Christmas German Christmas villages where they fucking second it because all their towns are like old school towns right it's like yeah they're from like the fucking 1300 I just realized I'm chewing gum I'm gonna take it out thanks for letting us know somebody bitched about it so it's Nick Oreck gum to yeah that's how trash he is I'm almost so so let it go 15 minutes he's gonna be screaming at me I'm doing

pretty good with the no smoking buddy I smoked I mean I don't know who we're lying I haven't given you six all week no I've had one or two here and I say no just give me a sick like you're my dad one or two here and there we had one after well spend it however you want you had like I believe I will yeah sure things are going well yeah shout out to fully for quitting smoking German thank you German Christmas Village they do it nice it's like the heated wine and it's all the fucking treats it's fucking nice dude yeah I get that but those you're a big Christmas I'm telling you you would fucking love it it's

fucking fantastic I would like that you get the hot I'm not pulling out of a shoe I get no one's asking me I'm talking about the German Christmas villages hmm yeah Europeans is weird shit over there Crump is your here crump is crimp it's you know he's like the big crimp it guy he's the wolf man that comes around and get you if you're a bad kid Krampus Krampus is that real yeah yeah it was also the punchline of the show about two minutes yeah I know you're right oh yeah what's the story I don't know the story I he's something like fucking Bigfoot that goes around and fucks up

kids that are bad a couple weeks before Christmas fucks them up when you beat some up movie I saw he was he was killing people yeah so the deal with Krampus is that like in American folklore if you're bad you get a lump of coal in German folklore a fucking yeah right by the bear from revenant yeah dude is the shadow of Santa Claus comes down and steals all the children and drags them to hell yeah I don't like that shadow shit no no I didn't even like Santa how would have been Jewish I'd rather be Jewish in Germany than the fucking Krampus yeah take my I'll take my shot with the Nazi fuck that I'll

roll a dice in his brisket yeah good it is you and your shadow monster can hit the fucking bricks dude dude I swear to God I love I love Santa Claus more now than I did when I was a kid well let's I let's get a we got a we got a we got a fucking tight in the ship here a lot we got a lot to go over so we have a nice time Christmas hey we were just relax what do you think I'm gonna change it to start talking about taxes what are we doing I got Christmas stuff I don't want to talk about taxes yeah March it March is coming quick yeah um I'm gonna punt that another year claim the pandemic from a veteran for God's sake

Krampus got me is that it can I check that box on my fucking tax return shout out the Krampus what we doing presents what's going on with you I went over the show like nine minutes ago what you need are your boys your blood sugar low again I feel great it's this Christmas time and now I want presents I was up at 530 pacing the hallways let's fucking go every morning every Christmas how well when did you stop leaving in Santa Claus let's get to the fucking nitty gritty of this first of all we got a lot of questions to get to from the Patreon and Facebook like I said we got a fucking and then plus we got it me and fully got

presents for each other we stuffed our stockings but you got me a black and white one what the fuck hit the bricks with that there's last minute yes probably your old sock so they had I was gonna I was gonna do that too I was bought a pair of socks and CBS but they went just like a bar so last one they had a footlocker I was gonna get you compression socks too but I have compression I know how to lay it on my bed you know like a regular grown man yeah mommy can you give me compression shot I can't feel my toes she's so she's so fucking on point and I'll admit that I'm spoiled in that regard she's so on

point but we got there that day bed was made fresh fucking everything was sitting right and I love it be weird if you showed up and there's no sheets on the bed I mean well it's not a motel six what the fuck and they're better if you're showing up to your mom's house you think that's spoiling you I'll look at it she even fucking put the windows back in yeah she's good with that stuff how old were you when you when you stopped believing in Santa Claus or found out about Santa Claus I still believe in Santa Claus I realized what real what the real Santa Claus is now you're the real Santa Claus I'm the real

Santa Claus Toby's the real Santa Claus all those dads and uncles and all that stuff out there and ants they're the real Santa Claus is it's a spirit it's an idea it's a fucking it's a movement okay going back to the question I asked what how old were you when you fucking found out Santa Claus wasn't real what are you running for mayor of the North Pole or something what's with these answers I can't be in a good mood yes you can but I ask you when you stop believing in Santa Claus well actually that's a funny question you bring that up great question mr. kippy actually blah blah blah blah I don't know man I'm

sorry my bother you with this line of questioning I don't know man what are we doing here 1112 I would say yeah I cuz we we stumbled across a bunch of shit I've been near our house there's not a lot of places to hide it this is when we were living in town line in the townhouse you can't townhouse kids find out early oh yeah she pull she packed to my mom put all the presents put a blanket over a new bike don't look at that that ain't yours don't go in the living room for the next three weeks what are you painting no she stacked them all in the in the dining room and and she went to when they were just but no names on them

she drilled yeah it could be for could be for the ants and uncles whatever yeah but then one night she went to work and my dad was away and I was sitting there and my brother walked in with a brand-new pair of sneakers I was like dude where'd you get that there's a box up there's fucking he's like he's like come here and he figured he took a razor blade and slit the the Scotch tape in oceans 11 what the fuck I did I looked at it I thought he was genius yeah he comes down on a rope I was like who are you fucking seal team boonie over there but yeah he slipped the things we sold all of our presents out we looked at all

of them we put them back perfectly nice haul he got skis I gotta say how do you hide a set of skis in the dining room of a townhouse he found the boots it's going to school in on the next day he found the boots and then a couple days later we came home from school and my dad was there he was supposed to be in like fucking New Orleans or something like that sitting there full navy uniform fucking smoking at the kitchen table pissed yeah piss talk about ruining Christmas we ruined everything yeah vacations I don't know how they did it honestly I would have fucking been gone he's like I'm like what's going on

where's mom he's like she's over at your ants balling her eyes out see a mob boss you know what she is she's in a hospital right now AC says 10% you know that's from now angels with filthy souls at home alone yeah deep cut who goes with that line I just watched it last night I told you watch your Christmas movies on the brain you filthy yeah go with the high heat you're giving me the fucking deep cuts on a non on a fictional movie also way to know the name of the fake I am talking about that guy oh that guy's great John Hughes shout out shout out that's right now Chicago Chicago oh there you go like

Shore Drive they filmed it over there I drove by the house one time down there on Rotterdam Avenue hey fun fact about the old home alone house there no longer got the curved drive driveway because people were pulling in yeah I heard that sure you and your bozo pals are one of them all smoked up in an old fiat went out front in the park right out front in the front lawn so to dance like Michael Jordan hard work cut out whatever so we got busted so we got nothing sure so Christmas morning woke up what you go return everything probably Christian get fucking sick at flush with a little bit of these fab bozos aren't going skiing

anyway by the way you weren't a skiing family what were they for the yard you guys couldn't afford lift tickets I told you we went to Sprite brothers started skiing for a hot minute in his jeans he had jeans and gators remember those things that those like little they were like windbreaker material they were for but they were for dirt balls who's skiing their jeans they were like little like and they singed did they sing yeah and they came up like to your knee mm-hmm I thought they were so cool yeah and yeah we opened all of our shit that morning and they were they was all filled with dirty clothes dirty clothes yeah

she filled all the boxes with dirty clothes yo your parents freaked out up and then eventually you fucking little whitey tighties with skin marks in them and then eventually they later that day they gave us everything after now I know why you are fucked up after a couple complete meltdowns oh my god gang let's take a second here and get serious mental health is something that affects everybody whether on a large scale or a small scale I know we like to joke around and have fun here on the podcast but if anybody out there is hurting we think we have the answer for you it's called better help dot com think about this what

interferes with your happiness all right is there something that you think's preventing you from achieving your goals I know when I was coming up before I got in the comedy before I met my my good friends in comedy I didn't know how to take the small steps to be successful and my anxiety crippled me and my self-esteem crippled me okay better help dot com can help you with this if you're feeling something similar all right what they do is they assess your needs and they match you with your own licensed professional therapist they can connect you to a safe private online environment so it's real convenient

and you can start communicating with one of their counselors in under 24 hours so if it's something serious and you need something right away they can help and remember it's not self-help it's professional counseling yeah and they have licensed professional counselors who are specialized in everything from a to z baby with depression stress anxiety relationships sleeping trauma anger family conflicts lgbt matters grief self-esteem if you're struggling with it chances are better help can help you it's easy to send a message to your counselor at any time you'll get a timely thoughtful response you can set up

weekly visits where you Skype in use video or phone sessions and with the pandemic everybody's doing it over the video video chat anyway so they're already ahead of the game it's perfect if the service is available for clients worldwide every state broad range of expertise available which may not be available to you locally wherever you are if you're in a small town you need somebody who specializes in something better help can help you it's convenient professional affordable I want you to start living a happier life today as a listener to the podcast you will get 10% off your first month by visiting our

sponsor better help dot com slash garbage that's better help dot com slash garbage join over 1 million people who have taken charge of their mental health again one more time get a pen write it down take charge of your life better help h e l p dot com slash garbage now back to the show I can be pretty persuasive Jesus Christ fucking deny a little fat fully of his toys they were in for a fucking hell of a day they like tantrums you throw a tantrum now when you don't get your way of 24 couldn't imagine you would not get in fucking what's the best present you've ever received straight up so my parents split I

would say the fans of this podcast love you guys it's fucking Christmas sometimes he just gets in these weird moods where I I can't read them I don't know what's happening chestnuts roasting on an open fire yeah it's got scratchers on the brain best if I ever got was so my parents divorced and my dad was obviously my dad always went big to like you know my brother the one year fucking to talk about it talk about a dad trying to outshine fucking single mom what would you do we'd wake up in the morning at your mom at my mom's do presence then you always claim like I did presence as a kid the night before

sure I spin that narrative yes and we'll continue I trash-kipping the other day but thank God we lost the recording you really fucking trapped in the intro like this guy blah blah blah making me look like you don't like that shit yeah well why do you why don't shit on you in the opening of the intro I'm gonna start you make up for it for most of the episode though and in real life yeah in comedy but you really fucking no really needle I love you what do you mean without you what would I be doing check my best buddy um my my we'd wake up we do presence at my mom's is the other guy there yeah yeah my stepdad was there

from an early he wouldn't he wouldn't stay there early how long with how long before he was rolled in the front door not long before he was sleeping there from when the divorce was I don't know three weeks four weeks what are you talking the ink wasn't dry now I I was so young I don't remember but yeah I mean they got divorced I was like three or something a couple of years after that I think so he would come in the morning it was before he was sleeping there so he would come early like seven o'clock in the morning or whatever that's a tough look fucking coming in dealing with you I mean my Christmas morning you're

eating boogers and shit who's this guy yeah open in other people's presence I was a fucking wreck so I fucking so we would we would do my mom hanging out of your mouth we would do your Christmas dinner rolls we would at breakfast we would be for Christmas dinner rolls at 7 a.m. so we would do open the presence of my mom's and then sometimes they would team up and allude to a present I was going to get in my dad's cuz I caught my mom and dad I caught my dad when I was okay yeah it was for the kids I mean they kept yeah you know they kept up appearances for us I'm sure they hated each other but when I caught my dad when

he was still living at so I was like three and I called him bringing down presents from the attic and I was like what are you doing and he hit me with like I walked in on him on my mom like fucking heavens he's like I go back to bed you know what I mean I'm like back I'm like what are you doing dude he's like I'm helping see kind of fucking stack full of presents coming down from the attic I'm like what are you doing he's like I'm helping saying I'm like I was already suspect about this whole fucking charade as it is fucking you gotta get up pretty early in the morning to go back and throw the cookies out yeah

so don't addition to sing I knew from a young age I knew so they would allude to like a big present that would get at my dad so like the one year my brother got a go-kart and I got a mini bike and does it get any more but we got the helmets with our names on them at my mom's like we got like custom fucking like race car helmets tell me you still have that you've got to have that somewhere I don't know that's gotta be in here I gotta see it we might I was this hot rod it was that same it was it was the same one from dumb and dumb with a little red one that he that they drive that's what I got seven my brother got

a go-kart seven and I could be yeah so I thought you could right now I crashed at the first I got on my dad I was like I was like dude let's fucking go let's fucking take me to the fucking seven take me to the went to this like big empty parking lot on Christmas day and I made it fucking like 10 feet and I couldn't it's like you just hit the you're rev the engine and I don't I'm fucking gunning it at a big cardboard dumpster like at a big dumpster for cardboard why don't you try it in a field not on asphalt I don't know so I fucking dump the bike I spunk it and get fucking right road burn all over my

fucking arms go home the next day I'm sitting there my mom's like what happened to you and I'm like I'd like it's the first time I got caught lying in my mom said I fell off the monkey bars and she goes that don't happen from she's like you're lying to me that don't happen from monkey bars I'm like I dumped the bike wait a plate cool fatty the monkey bar yeah looks like I looks like I had dragged behind a car for an hour and I said the monkey bars got me oh man I found out early but they used to wait did you scratch up the bike that so you fucked up the present group that would have been a problem if I broke anything

Christmas morning it was in it was it was an issue it was a serious I mean it was like I mean it's a little it's not like I broke a puzzle like I fucking I thought my dad was more concerned about the pain up was he was like a fucking $300 mini bike you never do cotton or anything it's like I'm telling you got me a Harley it was it was like fucking 300 bucks big saddlebags on the side I fucking love that thing dude did you take it did you use it again yeah yeah for yeah I took it to prom you know and toots you got to find that helmet but what are you I knew he would keep the big present he would always get a big

present we keep that in the empty we talked about this on the one episode he keep that in the empty living room they're like that living room okay like the dining room didn't have a table in it so like I'm like I know so I know I'm getting something so like I waddle over like I open up the presents I'm like there's still something big you were always killing time till the big one yeah I know I know I feel it in the air dude where's the oh yeah with the fucking zinger let's go my parents are going they pulled out of the couch they got well there's one more thing Santa let go yeah um here's was a ham so I like

Gallop potatoes walked over to the fridge to be like I'm just gonna get a drink so I could peek into the dining room and sure as shit just sitting there really odd because you have to wait and go through the standout ceremony with the guy they rolled it out yeah I was like oh shit whatever I don't know so you motorcycle in his living room I think it was a dining room that didn't have a table in it technically wow yeah that's where we used to play knee football remember knee football do well knee football and knee Nerf basketball get on it dude especially around the holidays yeah my dad would take my dad thought he

was back in his fucking semi pro days dude he would fucking truck us fucking put my head through a wall knee football was great yeah all right you want to get to the presents and then we'll do some questions yeah yeah two presents all right here you go I okay wait do I want you to open yours why would you open my presence no I mean what did you guys do one here all right I mean I want you to open no yeah you open your second I'll open mine okay either way what was the price limit on this well I think I found one thing I spent a grand hang on wait all right can I give Toby is sure let's give Toby his first T bone T bone you

had mentioned a certain film on the podcast so I got you all we got you we got you all the cars from Fast and the Furious yeah don't know that right fucking rule yeah watch the cameras Merry Christmas buddy we love you Merry Christmas pal thanks for all your hard work yeah that is your raise for the year all right good job boy who needs the in-ground pool I got a fucking charger on the fucking desk yeah man we'll put some back here too I figured yeah damn shut up shut up Paul Walker yeah I know you're on it I know you're on a diet you're watching what that's just fucking diet food yeah I was gonna put it I was

gonna put an onion in there's gonna be a mini bike in here I'm a freak move the couch it's a new car it's a scale in a life alert I see one fucking thing that says you don't want it I you know I got you so I got you so well they were at checkout I kind of that was a filler I'm an impulse by that was a filler that was a those are free Russell Stover sugar free come on that's pretty good you're turning me into toady over here what do you mean start playing bingo my Aunt Mary captain used to fuck with the sugar-free candies and when you would not realize it and grab one of those instead of a real worthers take the

skin off the top of your mouth I don't know what chemicals there you but I figure your big chocolate candy guy figured that's in the wheelhouse it's a little bit of a cheap but okay whoa you spend money you're gonna be disappointed big man's going on a trip I got an inflatable neck pillow neck pillow on 99 not too bad see what else we got here whoa car on that's pretty cool you're a big toy guy great yeah I love it it zipped off the fucking cash register said it was a wind-up one pretty sweet thank you buddy mm-hmm see what else I know you're going away with your lady so I got him that's Adam and Eve.com I got

him a personal tub of Vaseline huh I know we can get dry in these gold months peg my own self huh get out of the beach some tummies thank Tom's because he's got a big acid reflux problem that might be it the rest is just back I was worried hey when I shit the street those are the bags it came in at a 12 and a stocking that was 1299 all right great nice I feel good about this I just saw one thing in your stocking and I think you might have just filled it with things you want by the way he got me a thing of fucking Hellman's that's probably expired what's the date on this now it's fresh all right I got it that's a real good

gift right there yeah me some Hellman's this is all just stuff in your car I think what are you talking about because he's also got me honey mustard barbecue sauce and hot mustard this is all stuff you want that's the trio right there did you go to McDonald's today no when did you go I went and I bought those specifically you can't you can't yes you can't I have the receipt of my car I went and bought a bunch of them I had a 19 cheese I had to buy I had to buy see that receipt I will I'll show it to you it's out of the car I had to buy four of each sauce if I wanted to make that make the transaction so where the other

sauces just I figured only bring a few of them for you I'm not gonna eat them hopefully I'm telling you four of each sauce so there's three sauces so that means he's he's got nine other sauces somewhere at a minimum minimum he's got nine other sauce I think we threw them away or crystal has him hidden somewhere dreidel treats your wife's Jewish got you a little you know something for the other side thank you it's got little candies in it okay I think that's it now there's something else oh yeah this is your big present oh a big mama jamma York peppermint patty I remember in the summer when Kippy went down to the sure

on the old episodes we were doing them on the zoom and quarantine check them out on YouTube you stumbled across a bag of those in the back of the freezer dude these will blow your fucking hair but since I can't have them anymore I want them they all are things that I can't have anymore that I would like you to enjoy except for the mayonnaise the only way to eat a York peppermint patty is to take a little bite and suck it out like you're a like you're a you're sucking the brain out of a fucking insect here wait the juice out yeah yeah you bite and then you suck the inside out just kids from Chicago these Chicago guys are

bonkers now you just you're just biting straight across well I like them in the freezer where they're fucking real nice what do you eat this guy's already eating candy hey tubsie come on we're doing a podcast here he just the sugar freeze no good I didn't give him back give him back give him back not actually okay who takes a present eats it and goes this present sucks what was it putting it pretty good I switched out the labels it's actually sugar alcohol it's the real stuff I just want nobody to get mad I know a guy at the factory he mislabeled a couple for me the big man needs his stuff you know what I'm gonna

keep the big man happy now what I would do now thank you very much Merry Christmas I love you mm-hmm I love you both is now Merry Christmas guys what would happen is there would be some sort of quiche that would be served to the family okay my parents would break off my dad would go watch TV my mom or whatever it mean my brother and each side of the living room would then create our presentation of presents presents weren't allowed to get taken upstairs where they had to sit there for a couple of days so when people came over they could see the presence so your job was to set things up on the boxes like put

the sneakers out like a display set your GI Joe's up real nice best president I ever got GI Joe headquarters and it was the year my house got robbed and I thought that's what they took who broke in 11 year olds that you know a little rascals me while they got your mom's fucking wedding ring the safe deposit box thank God my GI Joe basis I did my mom was crying her eyes out because they told they took her her mom's diamond necklace dude as you guys were opening your presence I don't know if you noticed but you said the price of everything which is hilarious to me didn't he pretty much I did I spent more

than you well you got to be in the next pillow having to display your children's gifts to flex as a level of track that is fucking great over the neighbors take a look at that that's a story Jackie I want to treat it for stores to get that thing right that's the real cabbage patch kid right there that's a radicchio guys that's trash also so we did it one of it was I forget where it was brought up but somebody brought up wearing the new clothes that day what of course I know we were supposed to I know but you show up to dinner or whatever you still go it looks like you got the hanger in your back everything's got

the fucking creases and the folds some of your cousins got the sticker on his chest the jeans say 34 34 on the back fucking drove it off the lot baby here we go look like a real jamoke dealer tags in the back of your shirt yeah you look like a real idiot when you're wearing that present that day I showed up to so many Christmas dinners at my hands she was with like the jeans rolled back up fucking four inches yeah they were too big fucking sleeves hanging over your hands you look like an idiot I remember I showed up dude as an adult like some picky ass sweater this like I was I was an adult I was like 20 I was

probably I was in college I was probably 20 and I showed up to my cousin's house that night like I drove over and I got like new polo black or whatever and I like you know I diced myself doused myself in the polo black three or four spritzes I show up I hugged my cousin at the door goes well someone got alone I was like oh man I'm a fucking idiot hide the core you just checked out one more thing real quick before we get into the the listener questions sure do you have any traditions like like fully you said Christmas quiche in my house it was corn chowder we'd always have because orange this kid's a fucking hillbilly

well it was because my dad hated it or no it was either corn chowder a split pea soup but I don't remember but he gets those two mixed what are you guys homeless who does split pea who does soup on it just wait about water I'm literally no no it was split pea soup my dad hated split pea soup so my mom was like I'll make it a tradition so I guarantee myself will split pea soup ones for breakfast yeah and after breakfast for dinner Christmas Eve you fucking idiot let's make with the baby whatever I got Legos to build honey have any Christmas soup my favorite dish of the year and to make the

special time Ebenezer Scrooge bounced in and made it rain in there I can Bob Cratch it over eat it on a Tupperware Jesus my mom trying to give me soup all fucking Christmas it was a fucking four-course I start with a soup you have a salad you have a main I can soup croutons and water a four-course meal I convert the Muslim if I had to what was your favorite present you ever got best present I ever got hands down was the soup was this soap it was my Chicago Bears Jersey shout out to her lacquer best guy in the game I tell you what it was walking in his 80s Rosemont for the first time

clubsticks shout the Brian Zane Zolton though another story best gift I ever got hands down no question my at the first year I was dating my girl together like almost five years now she got me my first like professional camera yeah it was like a HVX 200 Panasonic unbelievable nice it's a bit it was like cuz I'd always talked about wanting to get a video and the blah blah blah and then she was the first person to ever like facilitate that that's she was I was broke at the time yeah shout out I'm broke now what are we talking about this is all this this is all the fucking smoke at the point set

is though all the catkin at yeah 999 nice gonna return him sell them on the street you ever cried Christmas cuz you got something no camera maybe cry straight up really straight up you still talk to his brother what yeah I live oh oh she ever talk to this broad I thought it was a love of his life I thought it was an old guy I thought you said your first girlfriend or something no no no Sam oh that's a keeper right there but she's the greatest hang on to that I love it she also got me that never mind no tell me grant that thought oh no she got she's the best best Christmas presents ever give me

what about you you brought up crying and I'm not somebody I don't I don't want to overstep it cuz I want to give him credit this dude Roman from the Facebook groups this is Jim receiving an iPad from your brother-in-law but you're drunk and for some reason you just start balling your eyes out in front of the whole family dude that hits so close that's such a deep cut it's been a long year you don't feel loved that's fucking fit so I dropped a fucking I busy on you good night let the waterworks fly man crying around people you don't want to cry around is a real vulnerable dude but once you get that

out it feels so good that's fucking all the fuck's wrong with Danny you said this guy was cool what was it what was it actually an iPad yeah yeah I got an iPad from your brother-in-law so I assume he's at the other party's at the other half of the family he's not even at his own place that's great he's on enemy territory that's fucking trash yeah let's get into some patreon questions let's do it let's do it this is a fucking homerun that's big at the Ryan fucking Kelly household here this is from will Campbell in the patreon what about those fake fireplaces people put on the TV it's called a you log yeah you go to like

channel 898 and it's three hours of a you'll log yeah we're big on the TV that's on every TV in the house like it a smoke detector ain't going off we got that thing playing loud we used to do the proper fire but then the kids there's too many little kids and then you're looking at that what's real trash is back at you know before there was little kids I mean because there's fucking six there was drunk adults there's six kids now all under you know seven so there's just too many fuck you can't you know you can't have the fire go plus I'll say this unless you live in fucking Antarctica that fires cool for about the

first hour then you got fucking two pounds of turkey or ham or a Thursday in you and you're trying to sit in the living room and eat your dessert was IPA and a fucking wool sweater that don't fit yeah that thing saw open the back open the screen door with you that's when you got to go out to the back porch and rip up Bernie and then you come in reekers like but yeah dude smoking cigs in the cold weather and coming in but it's like being fucking cryogenically frozen and that shit's tough and it stinks I like the fire but we used to real trashy do we used to burn the fucking the wrapping paper we

would just throw it in there and fucking torch it up fucking shred like yeah like we was like fucking home on home home on the rain it's a good idea though Christmas day we would go to my uncle's place and he would we'd have a big breakfast and you'd always get Bojangles biscuits which fast food I know right but the thing about it is it's no there's no thing about it those biscuits are better than any biscuit you can ever make at home they're unbelievable biscuits these biscuits are incredible I'll hear no side of McDonald's makes a hell of a fucking burger we're not having burgers I'm fucking and we'd wrap

them in wrap them in tinfoil with some with some ham from the night before and some cheese toss them in the fire get them nice and toasty pull that bitch out wait you're really cooking on a in the fireplace fuck yeah Toby's giving it up today man he really is he's letting us really know cooking on a bonfire and eating soup and foil what are you freebase and fucking you never been camping throw some food in tinfoil yeah I don't camp in the living room or on Christmas that's the best sounds good though yeah ham and cheddar biscuit I like it fire I don't like the mechanism of it this is this is from Jeff and the

patreon matching pajamas question mark he goes my wife makes the four of us all dressed up which I cut this is I think yeah if you're new if you're like a newlywed couple and you got a new kid you know a couple of young two three four five year it's like it's fun it's fun for them it's fun kids if you're doing it or do you do I feel like you might do this no no no it's weird to me we never did it it's like I don't know we've done two childish we run around like a teenager like your mom we would usually have a Christmas party every year my cousins and all our friends and family come every every couple years they'll be

a pajama one where it's like everybody wear their pajamas for tomorrow was it school spirit week who does something like that yeah everyone dress up you know showing up and everybody's fucking it was flopping around it was my dad said his underwear yeah see I don't want to see your fucking Uncle Steve's piece flopping around when he gets up to get booze you're aware undergarment it was when those old Navy flannels became hot 10 years ago whose family does pajama parties lingerie

tenies for the girls but another thing Christmas Eve as a kid at the Foley's we go out to the car to go to midnight mass is when we were really young right to the car to go to my mass my mom stays inside for a second she puts two fresh pair of pajamas on my bed and on my brother's bed old school ones like the button-ups so we looked good for the Christmas pictures in the morning that's a little bit right there love how old were you though she did it she did it up I was in my 20s when she was still doing it man but my brother had already had his own place and stuff so it was just me but we really yeah we

still dress up in the pajamas what party you as a man goes my I can't do this fuck your brother's moved out he's got she was breaking me off you're still dressing up she was breaking this guy I'll do anything for a buck if he knows there's gonna be a couple of scratches coming down the steps do the funny faces rallying oh yeah man go to the mall get a picture with Santa and the dog I do it all baby man you are the shell of a man hired for the holidays my girl got a Christmas my girl got us matching pajamas this year and let me tell you what hilarious love it I always that's a guy in love yeah meanwhile you're

just eating soup on Christmas so anything's fucking nice for you can I say this one of my soup out of the nice China guys come on the soup it was good soup homemade soup split pee that's depression error shit yeah you know you're fucking get some French onion class it up a little bit slice some provolone treat yourself back 99 cents fucking bowl of gruel holiday tradition at the big bowl my favorite goulash yeah the Scottish roots that those those onesies that the ladies wear you know they're like with the back flap let me tell you something about the access you know what I mean let

me tell you something about that back flap one of my most erotic moments when I was in college with my girlfriend she wore one of the I'd never seen this on an adult before and that she came down Christmas Eve that in a pacifier maybe a rattle diaper whatever you need to get you going big man hey it's 2020 I don't judge no it wasn't a Christmas onesie she was like dressed like a prospect parallel jobs in a little mini show yeah she had a sifter and a pot one gold tooth bowling it down the steps fucked her in a wagon no man hey penthouse chronicles we gotta get through these we gotta get through these questions what

are you busting my balls we're having a good time I know I made a joke relax do you can't take it personal honestly this thing was hot yeah also I don't need to hear about you and some fucking lady and lady and fucking PJ's going at it okay the fuck this is a fucking PG episode this is a Christmas this is basement me while you're fucking reliving this you're reliving fucking fantasy days torn up chill out will you come on I gotta get back into the fucking you know talk about Tim Allen's the Santa Claus too big I get loose somebody got into the egg not the network's gonna be all over us we can breeze to this this

is from a breeze or anything relax I know what I'm doing it's Christmas I know we have like there we literally have like 60 fucking really good things I want to get to excellent I'll be quiet I don't want you to be quiet this is a podcast I also don't need you to talk about you talking on your little route it's the second time you brought it up was sexy the sexiest thing I've ever been involved in what are considered trash stocking stuffers obviously you go Lotto tickets that's probably the trash coconut cashews and Vaseline I know I was gonna get you in the mood yeah you can pop into the bathroom between Epps I

would what were your goats well what did you always get the stock we always got cologne batteries for like whatever remote control like whatever it was always like the accessories they're making the batteries its own present that's in the stocking still so Philadelphia Christmas in case the fuck the cowboys are in town you gotta fucking tune someone up right quick nine volts for the best no it was always like you know it was sure it was scratchers we didn't get lottery tickets at the foldies we did which we yeah I mean my step that we were we're presenting at the foldies well you're a 25 year old man in pajamas so you can get

50 bucks out of your mom you ain't presenting nothing 75 it was 75 at a while while gift card 75 a photo I did photos outside it was a hundred would you get in the stocking there big man cologne watches socks was big in there hand warmers I don't know why always with the hand yeah I was a hand warmers it was like I was a talk worker so yeah what do we go from the house to the bus to the fucking homeroom you drive me to school touch I make sure you preheat the car before I get into oh yeah that was always an issue send her out there I used to finish up my apples and cinnamon oatmeal I used to be passed on the way

to school when the car was cold it was only like four minutes I'm like it's not even gonna be warm by that fucking time I get oh yeah I'd send her out there hey get the car warmed up and throw stern on will you see what Robbins you happen about this is just this is I this is a trashy tradition from Victoria make no mistake doesn't want to be sent to the back love it my pop-up takes down the Christmas tree during Christmas holy during Christmas dinner cuz he and my mama I'm leave for Florida the next day why even bother buddy just fucking took a big cut out a picture of one or something setting it up and taking

there's a man who doesn't regret having a family yeah that's a man who drinks his coffee black wow no frills with that takes down is I wonder if it was a real tree that's even worse he drags it out the front door whips it into the fucking street neighbor comes out and takes it still got a couple hours Johnson's already got rid of the tree damn that's hardcore that's fucked up yeah they go down to Florida this is a mean mean T bone we've debated this a little bit this is from Steven Whitmer on the patreon does your family watch die hard during Christmas and call it a Christmas movie if so trash I believe die hard is a

Christmas movie we don't my parents are never really got into it irrefutable I watch it every year with my family with my favorite bowl of soup my big ol bowl of split pea and or clam or corn chowder soup I love die hard around the holidays I love lethal weapon around the holidays and but my debate is it's not about Christmas it just takes place around Christmas right I think the way the story goes I could be wrong the guy who wrote I think all these movies Shane black but again I could be wrong he purposely likes to set things around Christmas just he thinks it's interesting but when I picture a Christmas

movie it's like it's a story life sure right it's about the holidays it's about learning a lesson about what the holiday is the Santa Claus fucking L fucking the Grinch fucking Christmas party ho ho ho on Christmas now I have a machine gun that's I'm just saying Christmas I'm just okay but yeah fair that's what we saying yeah it is trash yeah yeah I mean if you're watching fucking buildings well up on Christmas California that's a great the movies that made us on Netflix movies that made us and the toys that made us were great fucking phenomenal movies that made us is great and they have died hard it's a great

story you know was originally supposed to play Bruce Willis's part I do but I forget Frank Sinatra because it was the second book of this guy who wrote a book in the fucking 60s that became a movie that Sinatra was in so even though Sinatra was in like his 70s at the time he still got first refusal I swear to God imagine that with fucking Sinatra lie me to the moon yeah come he bested baby all right this is this is from Jordan I don't think that you know this is just not where we grew up growing up to do ever have a dish on holiday that was consisted of wild game ours was squirrel Jesus that ain't good that ain't good for

business see it Easter pain sounded too bad get me a bowl of soup you know 86 the squirrel get me the split yeah I guess I guess split piece of treat when you're eating fucking mongoose the rest of the year holy shit squirrel meat we would have a neighbor that would go hunting because you know Pennsylvania where we live there's a lot of hunters sure mixed in there would show up with some venison yeah that was so my not too shabby my my brother-in-law his family's from like upstate Pennsylvania like you know you know the sticks kind of sticks and so a lot of white Dodge Rams driving we were

more we were more city folk you know what I mean suburbs but city-centric fucking people like nobody ever hunted or anything and then my sister the first time she ever perks she told me show which I'll get that's the next question which I'll have an answer she went up to who you got him she went up to her my brother-in-law's place for Christmas and her dad popped it a VHS like him gutting a deer be look look at this eight point deer my sister's attacks like these people are up I was like yeah dude we don't do we were never hunters or anything I'd rather have that though than fucking pop-up taking down the

Christmas true yeah why I'm mac lapping up some ambrosia yeah I'm saying this is from Mr. Crickner the Sun God have you ever had extended family not off during a family Christmas celebration no but that would have been me now now I've dived poked around when I got to the house see if anybody had any recent surgeries or procedures you did that when we shot the Cribs episode you were poking and I just do that anyway just take an inventory see what's going on generic see who's taking what I did that Lipitor you nodded out yeah what I was fucking riding the light wasn't candy canes dummy I was like 24 and I went

down to my folks place in Florida and Christmas Eve dinner was a disaster my parents were fighting the whole time so my mom was off her meds yes and the apartment complex they were in had a big courtyard and everyone in the place was meeting up to like have drinks or whatever so they all go out and my mom's like and you're gonna be out there and you're gonna have smiles on and so I'm just standing there my dad just silently makes a martini and walks out there and I'm like God my mom is off her meds and I was like oh shit my mom's off her meds there's men so I go yeah put into and do together take a couple shots grab a

beer go out for go outside and there's like 25 what were the pills I don't remember yeah miscellaneous yeah I like it yeah it was enough that I was like that I was like oh this is gonna be bad for my liver and I go out and I'm like shucking and jiving fucking hey you been mr. better first 15 minutes dude fully blackout right wake up in my bed like oh no what the fuck did I do and the next morning everyone in the building is getting together having fucking lunch breakfast whatever I walk in there I'm like so ashamed I'm like oh god and then people turn and look at me and it was like Chappelle walking into film a

special I'm getting fist bumps and bad on the back oh that's funny we never so it's the cute through his mom in the pool man T-Bone you love it T-Bone dude's badass man these bad rips dude parties I don't know where you got them fireworks from but god damn that manager was pissed

we have we had one section of our extended family I'm not gonna get to intricate in details where some of the people had issues with substance abuse and hey the opioid epidemic touched everybody touched a lot of people so this was an extended thing and my mom was at this party and the one guy at the party would give everybody some pretty hefty fucking TD bank gift cards right like everybody got whacked off of like a 200 spot or like a 3 400 spot guy had a little bit of key we would whack everybody off with their own like TD and they used to come in like the green boxes or whatever so like they did that

before and then my guys coming into Christmas party whacked everybody off we had an old uncle that had it was cash envelopes yeah and he kept it in his pocket all night and everybody's everybody's clock in the pocket oh clock so fucked up I know you'd walk in there with 60 70 bucks a Christmas that wasn't yeah my aunt fucking hits me with a couple of hundos still Chris beiners to keep the fucking small bills walking around money keeping these the fucking keeping these the heavy hitters go to the IRA give me the blue-faced Benny's nothing but so this it's okay T-bone has my charger so they give out the they

fucking gift cards to everybody and then they call dinner so everybody goes in the dinner and my mom was like oh shit my cell phone or something went back and one of the guests was digging through her purse opening up the fucking this is how they just take these gift cards they were some for me they were suckers like me you know my siblings didn't go that was always a good feeling to when you got money when you were a kid right to your fucking handler right to mom right to mom well we weren't even honey put this in the purse for me where I'll get it on the right home we weren't even there was a cake give this to the kids

you know whatever cuz where were you different people different aspects of the family keep it things bank trust on a fucking pin me down will you it was me I was go but my mom came out and the person was opening up the box to steal the gift card out to then close the box put the box back in the purse real so you don't even know it's gone until you get home I'm like was it even in there I don't check real shits to move needless to say those people were not invited back to the patty out from then on ouch I do used to say a perk a set around Christmas really gets you in tune with the holidays it's nice sure it gives you

that warm fuzzy feeling you know I'm saying no I was never big into narcotics fully big booze guys well we all have our own family traditions big thing my uncle shout out to my uncle John and my uncle Mike on Christmas day we all go to my aunt's house and she's got this old fuck it she just sold it though she just she had this old fucking stone house out in East Falls which is like real fucking old-school money it was like you know all this like house from the 1800s real fucking nights looks like it would be on a fucking Norman Rockwell painting inside all fucking done I'm she cooked this huge dinner and my uncle John

makes fucking manhattan's and that's when we all drink manhattan's that night and the fucking martini glass and they call him loudmouth soup my uncle have about six of those and start telling you how he really feels about something and we love it dude every time we show up we're like fucking hit me with the mayonnaise you know what I mean we fucking go oh it's great and like get to the point where he's ordering like these like fucking $40 things of cherries offline that's like the best I fuck brandy cherries nothing's better than rolling in there in a fresh sweater fucking getting handed a fucking manhat

and the fires go in the fucking hands cook and the steaks cook I never felt comfortable in anything I wore on Christmas because that's exactly what you said and as a fat kid it nothing nothing ever I always hated my fucking brother my brother was a fucking good-looking like athletic build he could take a suit off the rack and it fit you know what I mean me I'm like my fucking pants are over my shoes and fucking stepping on the heels legs are running together in the room in the crotch my fucking undershirt show in I look like a fucking eight like the last 20 minutes of a wedding yeah alright

let's fucking start cooking through some of these hit me um this is from this is but we kind of touched on it a little bit this is from Kristen Kennedy in the Facebook group one of my husband's uncle's dresses up as Santa at the family Christmas party he has each kid sit on his lap and they get a gift and then he spends the rest of the night trying to get his family's wives or girlfriends on his lap telling Uncle Danny to back the fuck off is now an annual tradition Jesus yikes you can't expose yourself like that I don't trust anybody in a fucking Santa suit I do Santa Claus I don't trust you I do it

great and get a pill head like you in a Santa suit there's no barrier just talking about how you're rooting through your family's medicine cabinet what's just out of your Robin a liquor store when you already got the disguise on you know what I mean there's a fat guy with a beard on this night I always do it right oh yeah I know I'm just saying I I never got we never had the older pervy guy at the party socks my so we do never be that guy we do a man look at her what do you want from Santa yeah meanwhile his wife looks like a pit boss from Caesars you've been using that punchline for a decade

fucking turtleneck short haircut we're in a blazer you know why he's sniffing around 500 my so I think I might have said my family's so big that we can't have the the Sullivan family Christmas party at a house anymore it's just there's hundreds of people not near a school no so we have it at this hall in in Philly and man it's great it's a fucking Polish hall we have it we fucking cater it they put then we pay a Santa to come it's DJ we bring a sample that's weird what paying this a family member should do it as long as he ain't a grabber hiring a guy you know that's when it gets no one of my family's over

300 pounds so they pay this old my pillow they pay this they pay this guy to come dude and I'm not it's like out of a movie he pulls up in a fucking crunched up Ford Ranger he's dude he's fucking three sheets to the wind and we're like oh sand is here dude he stumbles out of the car they said something to him last year because it was dude he pulls up out front park same dude yeah we've been getting them for like a decade he puts like the car half up on the curb half off because it's in Port Richmond's and like the tight tiny little side street he pulls up on the curb out front again where am I going like move we move them

in we sit them down on the fucking in a chair and the kids come up and we say hey this gives for Toby this gives for Steve and he hands it out to the little kids and then he fucking we hand him like fucking four bills he hops in the car fucking crunches his way down he stinks like roast dude he's fucking he should not be driving this just wreaks a Vajju and Jen's fucking Nick Nick Nolte showing up to a road gig dude that's exactly what it's like he pulls up banged off there it a little princess good boy little boy Jesus yeah alright let's see what else do we got this is

alright I'm getting there buddy this is from Zach Buckman the Facebook he this is just a statement which is pure trash got condoms is a stocking stuff from my mom when I was like 12 years old well I think she was trying to give you a signal shit she was looking for the high heat you probably got stuck in the dishwasher later that night meet me over the meeting under the mistletoe big boy it's a deep gut if you're into that kind of stuck porn ladies and gentlemen you never seen a stepmom get her hand called listen this is what happens she takes her ring off to do the dishes it falls down the sink she puts her hand

down there and then I guess she doesn't realize you close the hand to pull it out she's got her hand open so she can't get it out she's jerking off the thing while the stepbrother come the step son comes he starts poking right what are you doing she goes I'm trying to he goes maybe I'll try to pull yeah I've never seen it this is I've read the clips notes you get real specific over there you man I mean that's like a what porn do you watch that's a trope in porn now that's like that happened that's like you see memes like that like oh my stepsister got in the window what's a trope this is your comedic genius ladies and I'm being

serious a trope is like a thing that's used that's an old trope lay an old device and oh okay it's pronounced troop I believe no it's trope is it Toby just goes doesn't even look over it's not I'm not even on Mike well we could split hairs all day here if we want um yeah my body I remember my body like teen at 14 15 16 maybe he got like a carton of new ports and this is from like a learned family because dad was like a financial advisor just to go back I think that mom was probably worried about him you know one you know was looking for safe sex and never know starts don't start figuring out yeah well I think that the

appropriate with being good to have a conversation say hey I don't think you're ready for this yeah you don't know the batteries don't throw a thing of fucking you know Trojans in there and hope for the best read for her pleasure this is pretty funny this is from Scott don't be a lie fucked your name up last time and you got pissed at me I don't care thank you Scotty shout out to Scotty my mom had these wood blocks that spelled out Noel I always used to switch them to spell Leon which is a fucking home run joke dude that's a fucking home run that's so funny to me I did I read that one and I laugh Leon just something like dude

that's so funny to me that's fucking gold which then the coolest thing you're got a fucking awesome family that became one of our traditions and now I own the blocks and that's just what we do because I also used to put mr. T in the manger oh mr. I got a mr. T one year the best mr. T and the smurfs big but H means yeah they're I was fazed that was too young I was gonna say crying I cried when I got a I don't know why my mom got me a towel set of the smurfs like a washcloth and a towel and like a bad kid likes to bat huh Jesus Christ well I opened up a time with kippy on the top layer for me to run when I opened it up I

started crying because I love the smurfs so much man you are twisted I've never seen anybody fucking cry over a rag before it's Terry come on I love Leon that's awesome this is from Lex Adams growing up my dad was too cheap to buy a tall Christmas tree so he'd buy a medium Christmas tree and oh my god he would put it on top of a spare tire in the living room wow and then covered it with a tree skirt wow my dad my dad always used to go too big we did have a big a big a tall ceiling in our living room because it was like a something like a step down in the living room so you know was like an extra foot higher or

whatever the living room my dad's house and would buy like a fucking 12 foot tree and then cut the top off so it was like flat on the top yeah that's weird look like you joined the military like buddy fucking when you ship out hey sailor dude and tinsel too that's a I mean there's we got a lot of things like tense obviously tinsel trash fake trees trash fake trees trash I want to know about you which we used to do and there's two ways you can do it this is a kippy going to look at lights did you do it buddy because there's two ways you can go look at like you can drive around neighborhoods the rich neighborhoods

looking at lights or a lot of parks do it where you drive we used to go to like Tyler park or Corcori park or whatever and drive through the light show which always felt disingenuous and trashy to me because it wasn't special was just a parade of cars I'm going well like workers put this people got paid to put these up yeah well now we had a couple of hot blocks yeah the rich there's the rich people thing that was all the time like that went and looked at their houses sure I remember just riding around just looking at like new homes and stuff like that we should do it in high school me and my friends we get all

smoked up and we just different during the day at school we drive around and look at that's way I'm talking about with your parent you're driving to look at other you're driving with your parents look at houses you can't afford let's go kick the tire see we get an open house maybe we could but no all through the Christmas season we would you know if it was a you know off the night we drive around look at people's houses loved it but there was a there was like a couple of blocks that were like this is the Christmas and they knew and they did it and they knew there'd be like somebody out there collecting money for charity or

some shit like that shabby blow right by him I live down the block pal there Canadian yeah yeah yeah yeah I would if I was going home for Christmas I would that would definitely be you know before I went into the house one night I would take a couple laps on a neighborhood check to join out another big thing to do it nice people doing my mom which they sent us something on Twitter he said he just got the new house or new money looks fucking great yeah gotta go on yeah for sure but there is a level of trashy that you can do it if you don't you can over the top is funny you're like oh I get that you're going

over the top especially now post which is fine but in the 80s it was there was the white clink candles were in the window there was a couple of fucking classy like an actual big wreath with a red big red bow never the plastic Santa Clause or the colored lights or any that shit remember dude remember when the icicle lights dropped dude they dropped in the 90s I remember being like what like that was like fucking nasty but they were too trashy that and they were cool they were hot that projects on the lawn or on the side of the house or whatever here also if you have music to your if you're like lights if your

lights do you know bounce around the music you fucking trash a big thing that we used to do in my fucking parent and my mom's neighborhood that they stopped for like 15 years then got back to it was the bag the candles that line the nothing is better class driving down it's about 6 p.m. and it's just the whole the fucking way down the street how to get the whole hood oh it's great yeah great I fucking love it my brother's neighborhood does that shit tight real tight clean living right there not too shabby let me ask this did anybody ever have the the Santa Clause or the snowman usually about two tree foot high you

get him at a home depot or a CVS you know you touch him and he does you know he does inside or outside inside we had a smaller one and say it was like a foot and a half he would sit in just like kind of do this like that but those things creep me the it would do even move his hips a little too yeah I don't like that what we used to do coming to get me in the middle of the night new we used to do so the front of my house has this like we have a big like bay window in the front of my house like above the full in the foyer and there's like a level up there that you can't get you got to get a ladder to get I know what I seen it I've

been in the joint we used to put I don't think they do it anymore now they're older but they used to put like a whole fucking setting up there it was like to it was like a street it was like kind of like you know it was a street and there was like a store maybe two street two like light poles they were like three or four foot high two people that used to like wave and do this it was all fake snow used to you used to hear the fucking motors running in the middle of the night creeped me out badio no way he's the fucking shooting with my baby gonna take him out well you know we were all about the trains growing up two

platforms the fucking Lionel Christmas trains which I don't I just my stepdad try to get a few Saturdays before Christmas those boxes came out smell those engines love that smell fucking put down the fake grass dad's got a couple of pops in them smoking sags clean live in Americana right there fake snow I told you we used to use the artificial mashed potatoes as the fake snow on them also do you ever do spray snow that stuff states I went out last night with my wife who we were like looking for like that's her chopping of bodies stuff for this stuff for the fucking studio and looking at your present and shit you're

stocking and there was a can of spray she's like oh how about this I'm like you got a lot to learn to it's because they ain't never going anywhere in my fucking house it's like fucking spray paint shit they used to mark out a soccer field it's true no way this is this is from Jose and you know I get this it can be a prank type thing whatever whatever is it trash to put the gifts inside a box inside another box inside another box inside another box or the like that's new boyfriend or you put something inside like a PlayStation box and it's like you know a DVD that's more hack yeah that's now and that's something can

pay off pretty good sometimes you be like oh yeah god I'm once in a while that's something the fiance does when he's asking her to marry him in front of her family or something like that that's what you gotta be doing if it's just like you two tickets or something it's fucking lame in a big box also that being said that we've gotten so many questions and stuff about Pollyanna's the you know the white elephant the secret Santa the whatever whatever we talked about it the Yankee swap Yankee swap fucking animals we just take the present you want we talked about it briefly it's trash right may be straight up Pollyanna is nice

it's alright you and your cousins okay I got Tiffany I got Johnny yeah you you set a limit 25 bucks everybody always goes over and just gets each other one nice thing bottle of cologne nice bottle of wine fucking you know whatever sure that's alright even at work to the Pollyanna's okay I get you know I get works a little different because it's like they got to create a culture and they would have or whatever it's not you know it's not by choice but that Yankee that pot thing whatever that's now well I want Steve's and I want to we did it for a couple of years and people got fucking but like there was like people were

upset you buy something for yourself people buy like a CD player and then they end up with like a fucking turkey base they're like what the fuck was this all about you know what I mean people get fucking but her yeah we never even our family's pretty cool with that stuff like I think maybe they do family presence now we don't even really do the Pollyanna I don't know there was so many kids born at the same time that that's that was like a good transition from like alright we're all too old to be exchanging gifts with you know 25 people sure sure sure I mean that was cash is tight what's a Pollyanna pop

I'm invited this guy Jesus Krampus over here it's fucking this guy a bowl of soup when you and your cousins put everybody's name in a hat and you pull out and you pick a name I got Toby I got thing and you get some of your Santa secret Santa yes secret Santa Pollyanna we used to call it a Chinese you got in your SATs wow really it hit in the 90s the Chinese Pollyanna and also I remember I don't sound kosher the first time we did it I think was that like my aunt Queenie's how it was that my aunt Queenie or was that soupy that adds up it was somebody's house and if you and if you pull the right one you had to do blackface so they

they I remember being like this is gonna and like some of my uncle's like what the fuck are we doing I ain't doing it give me a bug give me a but you know like but they were like let it happen I mean I'm it like it was an event and I remember some people trying to underst there was always like four people that can't understand the premise or the rules are like I get a pro you got to pick any present you know what number did you get that shit's dumb it's trashy just buy someone a fucking gift or don't and move it the fuck yeah once the kids came along as long as you fucking broke the kids off and hook them up nice relax through the

whole party this is from work the order this is from Facebook group as well by the way shout out to the Facebook group shout out to that fucking line for the hot baby oh my god the Wild West out there his name his name is I don't know if that's his government name that's great he goes at some point this is fucking bananas at some point growing up we stopped taking the decorations off the fake tree and we wrapped it wrapped a blanket around it and dragged it like a dead body up the attic ladder I could see it what yeah it's trash but I could see it since spending a saving time but I thought you

were Johnny Christmas I am I would part of it is like I said I can see it from somebody else's point of view no I think part of the part of the tree is getting the tree of course it is of course you drag it put a Christmas movie on when you get the tree you bring it back you put it up you water it you let it open up then you bring all the shit down letting it fall I remember just want to go into buy it and decorate it my dad's like you gotta let that fall you gotta let it settle but like as a kid I'm gonna get some water in it get a drink that hey don't I get that I'm saying as a kid all I ever wanted to do was fucking

decorate it yeah and it was like you gotta wait 48 hours I'm like fuck this dude the whole the whole thing is decorate we always order Chinese that's what we do always what's what's more what's more trash though wrapping it up and keeping the things on or taking it down the night of like that one lady her grandpa that's that's that's that's just heartbreaking that's the both of them are kind of I mean I get it that he's got to go but it's a little as a little kid I'm like what the fuck you can't wait one day or leave it up and take it down when you get back well that was the real tree I think she said it

was a fake try could be wrong maybe it was a real that forget either way grandpa's aren't doing that shit they're old like Korean war vets and shit like that they get shit done yeah that's worse though taking the tree down while you're eating fucking dinner because you're going to Tampa I'm going to Tampa oh you should see the hotel we're staying at the Don Czar very nice Google it it's fucking the Dan Marino it's about 400 bucks a night is it nothing on the Dan Marino come on but they Dan Marino whatever is it pink yeah yeah yeah that's about yeah but those days my parents used to live like 15

minutes yeah yeah that's where we're going it's gonna tow his parents for can't wait to get my soup tell him to heat up a shit tell him to heat up some chunks to pee and now I'm not bringing you home a bowl of soup it's not the holidays without this he's like breaking in my mom's house tuition pills get a soup no one year one year after Christmas we went down to a hotel on the beach the like it's like a like a getaway getaway you know what I mean like a little staycation yeah and I was like 17 and I remember my my folks went out and I was sitting at home alone like Christmas movies on the fucking

on the fucking hotel TV I was like fuck this I'm getting drunk and I went downstairs to the next floor found where the maids were cleaning found an open room cleared out their mini bar and just got Christ can bomb he's like on the beach for the dances are he's like a grown little rascal home alone for over here Toby McAllister getting the submissive Chicago so RIP to that person's bill jeez yeah what a dirt ball fucking ruined some guys marriage there wasn't any like luggage or anything I think they were turning it over someone just left yeah then they blame the maids they probably get fired yeah

I didn't think about that of course you didn't well you enjoy that tonight when you're trying to go to sleep I don't think it's gonna phase them this is fucking this is from Kyle Noel Noel every year before me and the wife had kids we would take a bottle of peace bourbon for me flavored vodka's for the wife trash trash to the four Christmases we had both parents are divorced then at the end of the night we went to Applebee's for Jell-O shots cheap beer and half half priced apps which I can say is trash good for you but I do not hate that's fucking something else dude half price half to all night cuz

you're I know that feeling cuz I would do we would go to the fucking Rich Barrow pub after Christmas night so like my mom would go to my step-dads place my brother and sister and I would meet up I'd go to my aunts and we do dinner and I would drive back to where to my mom's area I mean a couple of my fucking buddies would meet up and just have fucking that's not stress but like the I'm done like all of my responsibilities are done I went cuz my family got like 19 people I got to see I got 20 presents I gotta buy for everybody so it's like this is now me time I get to relax with a couple of fucking buddies have a

couple of pints maybe a couple of pub wings good right I gotta get you a pub wing by the way the Rich Barrow pub they do blue cheese and hot sauce together and give it to you like that it'll blow your what do you mean it's already tossed in yeah they toss it in everything and it comes out like glowing orange not like hot sauce like looks like neon or it's so fucking good yeah we'll try on the patreon oh there we go did you I guess no you're like very traditional you never went anywhere on Christmas or anything like you you know now what do you mean we would go we do we do Christmas we do Christmas we do

Christian I'm saying like you do Chris you never like leave like okay I'm gonna go do this with my friends or go to my friend's house and do whatever like I also like popping around to my buddy's house I would now now I would get to I would get to go over to my high school girlfriends parents I'm not saying as a kid I'm saying as a young adult yeah as a young adult yes so your high school girlfriends parents yeah when I was in high school in college I'd be able to dip out a couple hours and go there and you know get due presents with them okay I wasn't let me go to the bars it wasn't a dirt ball you're a fucking dork

yeah I mean all the fucking kids are running I always wanted to go home and hang out with my parents anyway like get home around eight or nine on Christmas day pop the feet up watch a movie okay I always do get into the Christmas cookies that we took we have always took cookies with you we have to fuck was that I don't know something's going on outside it's only a gunshot as we got older we would always go I go over to my buddy Pat's house for a couple of pops after now like I do with my wife we go to my cut my buddy Pat's house see them because they're like my fucking second parents so yeah you know everything mm-hmm we

walk down to my buddy flips house shout out the flip we drink and smoke in his place you know a couple of good bottles of whiskey everybody's hanging and it's like this cool tradition that I finally have of myself like of my own like we go I go over to Pat's house to see his parents I got you the group grows we go down to Chris's there's more people come we see it's the only time in the year I see his parents everybody brings a good whiskey we this that good bottle of wine everybody's outside smoking burn any ended but some dirt ball bar two in the morning shout out the steam looking for a 20 bag yeah we stopped go now that my

wife comes the past two years we stopped go into the bar afterwards I just fucking hop in a new that's nice but yeah it's fucking a okay can't do it this year though can't do it this year but it makes you take stock and being grateful for next year yeah that's what it's all about this one comes from will and we can we gotta wrap it up here from the patreon have you ever been kicked out of an office Christmas party now maybe not kicked out but have you ever done anything freaky at Christmas have you ever done something embarrassing or freaky at a company Christmas my anxiety is so bad that every time I was in one

of those situations I would if I drank too much I'd wake up the next day like I never wanted to go to the to the brunch after a wedding because I'll what did I do what did I say how you know what I mean although there's fucking the waffle stations oh yeah nothing better than that yeah a buffet breakfast at a hotel whoo whoo man I never been thrown out but definitely worried about what I said did the next day I was 22 or that I was working at a law firm in Philly and we'd like when I was like a bar crawl with the whole office was all young dirt balls news and it was like 20 of us we're gonna go to Finn McCool's first for an hour

we got a special there then we're gonna pop over to the fucking tavern on broad for an hour let me tell you something that somebody in the service industry I hate it you fucking people oh I'm sorry you don't want my money I'm coming in your money you're not dropping shit you guys aren't tipping and you're using your company card at the end and whatever who do you think has a company card what do you mean there was always one card put a tab for the for the no it wasn't a party we were coming into the bar like to the bar and you were all paying their own well then I apologize to you and your friends yeah you just

don't like me but the fucking you come in you know the companies that do that where there's one card where the somebody has a company yeah company credit card they said put it all on this here open the tab they order they don't tip their fucking dicks and at the end of the at the end of the thing some jerk off who spent too much of the company's money tries to make up for that by short changing the fucking service so fuck you in your softball team what do you think about that guys guys a bowl of laughs today but we went out so we get all fucking bombed up sure kippy starts talking to some lady and fuck I don't

know what department she was but it wasn't the attractive one yeah right that was gold buddy that's what pays the bills around here Toby so if you don't like it I'll give you your walking papers you're the head of the busted team aren't you she's got a couple of socos and limes in her we were doing some shooters outside smoking with her yeah that was always that I was always the way you want to smoke CV you know you can finally get some a long time start talking to make a move but we like made out like fucking idiots and luckily people say it a handful yeah I don't know if they saw it or if it was like

people knew what was up unless you're unless you're both extremely attractive which we were not myself included I was president of the ugly I'm sure you look like two octopus fighting over a fucking goldfish yeah unless you're super super both people are super super hot that's really frowned but like she was dating I didn't know I so I was also talking so one of the bosses sons worked for the company as well who I was tight with I didn't know they were like secretly not secretly dating but like they had a history something there was something there which I didn't know yeah so I'm probably started last year at the

Christmas party bro's got an MO so I'm like talking to him like I think I got a shot with her and he's just like like I didn't realize I was like I was doing it right in front of him and I didn't realize I was being a fucking dickhead cuz I don't know how mom's the fucking word her fault right and you know so meanwhile this guy was way hotter than I am had a way much way more cage his dad's name was on the building yeah so I don't realize so then like we were gonna go home together but I lost my credit card or so I had to like go back or something I went back to the bar smooth as they come man talk talk about

clunky trying to save the deal like I stopped to get smoked real quick for you back to your place you got roommates no trash so I was like oh I got to run into the ball I had to go back into something and then you couldn't it's just you leave your car and all over town I'll tell you that he's still yeah I remember it's like going to pick it up and man yeah 2015 the fucking 2019 up here you fucking this guy Johnny leaves the car yeah you're like Cinderella fucking the magic DD bank card well when you're closing the deal you can't wait to close out a tab buddy I'll come back tomorrow right not not at any see a

Monday when I picked the car up yeah I get rejected in person and thank God so like it was super awkward the next day like it was like we're not the next day I think it was we went in Monday right so it was like you had the weekend but then you're like still in your head I was just weird it's not weird that type thing we went in it was awkward and then luckily I was fucking skedaddled not too long after but thank you do it anytime he makes fucking Christmas parties and co-workers or somebody's not something not everybody sends a humor lines up not good and people start making out doing this snort and you think everybody's

cool with coke they're not real all right let's wrap it up everyone's down for a hooker you find out the hard way I think everybody's down for a gangbang meanwhile guys thank you so much for writing in we appreciate all the fucking all the participation all the support these are our favorite fucking episodes absolutely happy holidays merry Christmas happy holidays merry Christmas happy Hanukkah happy new year happy everything to everybody we really appreciate all the

fucking support oh yeah we can't stress it enough this year has been you know I don't want to sound fucking cheesy but we owe a lot to all you guys and we appreciate all the fucking support this year's been a fucking whirlwind for us and you know thank you so much for supporting us and being on our fucking side and helping us you know keep this thing growing we really fucking appreciate it big things coming in 2021 gang big things yeah like sugar-free Russell Stoker Christmas candy gang we'll see you next week we love you peace