Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Adam Ray: Seattle Kid

Episode Date: December 20, 2021

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We love you. Bye. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage?

It's a little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that they grew up to be classy after just a big old piece of trash. I'm your hostage, Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day down here in Antutti's basement. She's upstairs, a little upset, toys for Tots. She went out, she bought a toy, she went to the local bar, thought she was going to get a tater tot appetizer for free, but that's not how it fucking works. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me.

He is the CEO of Are You Garbage, a brand new country album out right now, number one on the fucking charts. Give it up for Kevin James, Ryan KJ. Hey, what's up gang? Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube and as you know, those numbers are true to roof fucking cooking, baby, and then it's the holiday season.

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They're amazing people. Stanford grads, those two. Smart kids. Smart kids. We love them. A couple of eggheads. That's the way we like it, baby. How about a nice quick shout out?

Speaking of egghead, to our producer extraordinaire, the magic man makes us all look good. Didn't appreciate the egghead comment. You can't see him. He's up for T-Bone, McMuffin, Toby McMullin. What's up, dudes? Good to see you, buddy. Very, very, very excited to have our incredibly special guest here with us for the first time today.

From the coast. This is me. Oh, yeah. Out there. How are you? Rollers gating, I bet. I'm over rollerblading. Muscle man on Venice Beach.

He's on the rings. This young man is a very successful, very funny, standard of comedian, actor, and actor. Get a load of these fucking credits right here, because we got a little star power in his dump. Let's start out here. Human giant, according to Jim, two broke girls, workaholics, the heat, Rick and Morty, real house husbands of Hollywood, spy, Silicon Valley, Ghostbusters, Mad TV, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Bowler, Second Act, Arrest of Development, Robot Chicken, The Bellman, Power, Young Rock,

American Dad, Hacks. Love that show. Late night with Greg Ferguson, Gotham Comedy Live, Chelsea Lately at Midnight, The Church of What's Happening Now, Tiger Belly, Lights Out with David Spade, and of course, he is the host of the amazing podcast about last night. But the big question about the show is, what's going to happen to you? He's out here doing a corporate gig from Hollywood. He shows up.

Good looking kid, put together, brings his own burrito with him. B-Y-O-B, baby. That's L.A. if I ever seen it. He brought, yeah, he had that on a plane. That was a carry on burrito. He couldn't be more Hollywood if he was splitting out with Paris Hilton. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for L.A. for the show. The kids here.

I thought about not bringing the burrito. I thought it would be a nice topic of conversation. Just a spot. I have to fish through my Uber Eats. Just a random spot. I am a burrito on the plane guy, though. Is that a weird? Wow.

Oh, my God. These L.A. types. That's bad. It's really a fuck. I mean, I'm just a big guy. I'm a big guy. I'm a big guy. I'm a big guy.

I'm a big guy. I'm a big guy. I'm a big guy. I'm a big guy. I'm a big guy. I'm a big guy. I mean, I'm just a big burrito guy. My buddy called me.

Where do you get the burrito in the airport? Oh, yeah. And then just roll on the plane. I mean, that's the risky move you're bringing it from. Putting it in a Ziploc bag. I've seen that, by the way. Getting it through security. Dude, I've seen people.

I mean, and I have gotten accosted for some of my eats and treats on the plane. I had a British woman in front of me once. It's a lot. Turn around and I opened. I had a sandwich. I don't know if it was tuna, but it definitely stung. It wasn't tuna. Dude, you can't have tuna in a pressurized cap.

It's a good way to open. Somebody crack a window. Dude. So I started to take a bite and she turns around and I have my headphones on. And I see her just through the crack of the seats. Just turn around and kind of look and just like staring at me. So I can feel her staring. So I'm like, now it's just on me to decide when to look up and lock eyes with her.

So I see her looking and I know she's definitely pissed. So I took a little bit more time. I kind of like peeled things down and kind of even like just kind of for effect was like I knew she was watching me and I was like, fuck you, bitch. Like, I know you don't like this, this move right now, but I'm committing to it. So I started to take a bite and then I hear her start talking and I got the headphones on, but I can still see her and feel her energy. So I kind of then take them off.

I go, what's up? And she goes, are you really going to eat that? And I was like, yeah, I brought on the plan. I go and I got a second one in the bag. So saddle up. You know, it was going to be a long flight to Tucson. And then she ding calls the guy over and he comes over and I see her again, headphones on, but I'm just watching all this from my periphery.

And she's like, so then I see the guy just like, oh, all right. And then I see him like, do that to me. And so I go, yeah, what's up? He goes, yeah. You're killing me. Yeah. Like, but he's got, he doesn't want to have to like call me on this. He's like, dude, I'm trying to fucking make sure we don't crash.

Like there's other things going on. Who's going to fly the plane? There's some. Put your wife away. Yeah. Yeah. Put your wife away. So then he's just like, can you, can you stop eating the sandwich?

I go, not only can I not stop eating it. I got a second one lined up. And he smirks and he just goes, he goes, come on, man. And I go, I don't know what to tell you, man. Like, you know, we both bought seats and he goes, yeah, dude, just put this into some sort of sandwich fiasco. And, uh, and I was like, all right. I was like, I'll take two more bites and put it away.

Cool. And then the woman's like, she goes, two more bites. And the guy was like, two more bites and then I'll put it away. Me in the middle here. Yeah. Me in the middle. I'm trying to. Yeah, dude.

I'm with the British lady, man. That's trash. What are you doing? I know. I'm a coach. That's a coach move. That's a real coach. I was first class on the way here.

I was able to get bumped up. And so that's where I feel like, you know, you do whatever the fuck you want. Well, do you have Korean barbecue up there? What is it? You got your own hibachi. What's going on? We had every flavor of Dunkaroos.

We had Capri Suns without the straws. They just squeeze it into your mouth. Holy shit. What is the backstory of Mr. Adam Ray? Where'd you grow up? Give us the whole scoop. Totally. I grew up in Lake Forest Park, Washington,

which is like a real small suburb, about 25 minutes north of Seattle. Nice. Upper middle class. Nice. Or are we talking like Kurt Cobain's neighborhood? I mean, every part of Seattle has pockets where it feels like you could go from poor food stamps

to like, oh, they got a sports court, you know, in the backyard. So there was different pockets. I mean, the house I grew up in when my folks were together was, I guess, pretty nice. Two car garage, right? Big driveway. Plum tree.

Plum tree. But it was just, it was in a nice neighborhood, and then they split, and then we moved not too far from there. But again, so with my mom and sis, that was definitely like a downgrade. Yeah. Okay. Where it was just like, you know,

it just was shittier. And then after that, then my sister went to a girl's school, and it was just my mom and I, and then even shittier from that. And I true, like, I didn't want to have people over. Like, I remember the first time a girl came over, and I was just like, yeah, we're just staying here for the time being.

They're just laying low to the fence, you know, far back. So, yeah, yeah, for sure. I got drunk and burned down our mansion last night. You know how it is. It had a sports court and all. Yeah, what's a sports court? That's like, in the backyard, right?

A sports court is one of those, it's like a, it's basically a, I guess, tennis court. Basketball, tennis type thing. Oh, okay. It's an all purpose. There was one guy in our neighborhood that had one, and we would like drive and look at it, like as a family.

Oh, yeah. It was a hot commodity. I hear they're playing. Oh, those are the families that gave out king-sized candy bars in Halloween. Oh, fuck yeah. It was almost like, do you remember when, like, Fisher Price or whoever had the three in one,

like pool table, fucking Yachty board, and Bukaki, fucking, you know, it was some sort of three in one. Sure, ping pong, skee ball, billiards. I had one in the basement. You did, yeah. The Thunderdome. Oh, my God.

So, you called the basement or that was the game? That was the basement. It was $5 cover charge. Ladies drink for free. That was the safe word when your friends came down. Holy shit. Where did your, where did your dad go from there? So, my dad, so, so then they, they split.

And how old are you when this happens? Let me, eight and a half, nine. Okay. And so... Sisters older or younger? Sisters two years older. And for me, I was like, all right, we get to, I get two houses now.

Double up. That's how I viewed it. Until you saw the house. Until I saw the house and then went to my dad's and saw where they were staying, which was also kind of a shit hole, but not too far. And then, you know, my stepmom was Filipino and so there's a lot of kimchi around

and I was like, what the fuck is that? And then she would make fun of me for smuggling Doritos under the couch because I was a, you know, just, I love snacks. And so, so then went back home. Mom and I were just chilling for a while. Wait, so when they got to divorce, you went and lived with your dad?

With my mom. Okay. But every other weekend with the dad, yeah. Oh, okay. Every weekend with the dad. But both were kind of like... How quick did he get remarried? Pretty quick.

Okay. That's why they split, yeah. Gotcha. And so... Say no more. Having a stepmom is a weird thing. It's like, I've always said this. It's like, like, if someone brings like crystal clear Pepsi

to Thanksgiving, you're like, all right, nobody wanted this. But we'll take a couple of sips because dad brought it. It was very respectful. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And, but it got real quiet. Does everyone here have a stepmom? No, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have one.

I just kind of strike a chord. No, I have one too. And you took me back to like 93. It's just the analogy that you made. He was saying about the crystal Pepsi, to be honest with me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This guy seems all right. I don't know.

Yeah, my mom did some fucking winners too, for a minute there. Really? I mean, there was this one guy who came over and it was just such a weird thing to try to, you know, I mean, we were just truly like running on empty. Like, I mean, it was like a lot of TV dinner type situations, a lot of like soups, spaghettios, right?

Sure. Just your, whatever to get by. So it got tough after the work. Yeah, for sure. And I don't even remember it being that glamorous pre-single mom. I think like spaghettios were still in the mix with two parents. So fucking what the fuck, dad?

Spaghettios used to have meatballs in them. It's a good serving of protein. Yeah, we went from spaghettios to bifurone when dad left. And so we had, she had this guy come over once. And you know, just when you're trying to impress the kid, you're just going for, going for gold. And so like, he came out, I'm shooting hoops. You know, we'd finally gotten a basketball hoop put in,

which was like. Was it installed or was it the movable one on wheels? No, it was stuck into the concrete. Which was a big deal. Honestly, for over a year, you know, it just took so long. And when I would come back from my dad's and you would drive down the hill and you could see our place was on the corner in this cul-de-sac.

So every time we'd go on the hill and, you know, I had no way to know if it was put up yet. And I'd always come on the corner and see if it was up. And it was like, oh, it's going to be this weekend. And then it just wasn't just, you know, put off and put off. And, you know, that's part of being a product of divorce, just constant disappointment. You're like, is there a hoop up?

Does it at least salvage some sort of happiness? I know. Nope, maybe another 20 years. Who was doing it? Who eventually put it? I put it up. A friend of my mom's who probably was fucking, I don't know.

And so this guy comes over and he comes out and I'm shooting hoops. He's like, hey, do you mind if I shoot some basket shots with you? And right away, I'm just like, what the fuck did you just say? Did he shoot number four? In passing. And so he comes out. They were, I think, going to go there.

He took me to a manor's game. No one, Ryan's last game. Actually, he retired in the first inning after he gave up a Grand Slam, which was kind of exciting. But the guy just looked weird. And it's so weird, even at that age, that you're assessing the attractiveness of a guy that's with your mom.

Sure. Just the fact that it was a new guy was kind of just tough to kind of grasp. Yeah, it's a lot to wrap your head around. But I'm like, mom, at least you can fucking like. Yeah. This guy's a three. What are you doing, Deb?

Let's go. So he goes, can we shoot some basket shots? And then he comes out and then I pass him the ball and he shoots it underhand. I'll never forget that. And I remember being like, dude, I remember going like. It's like an old school gym teacher. You know, at least you know there's a good chance

you probably didn't close at your mom. Those are his moves. If that's your move, I'm like, dude, yeah, it's like to fucking finger here. He goes like, oh, leg around her asshole. He's like, yeah, we call this the ventriloquist. Olympic Larry over here. This guy picked like a Tacoma.

Yeah, he got friendzoned real quick. I hope you shoot underhand. That's a tough look. Yeah, he was. That was a pretty. He was not maybe two or three more dates after they took me to Taco Time. I remember that, which was like Seattle's Taco Bell.

Got me some Seattle supersonic trading cards. Again, just trying to buy my love. But you know, which is that's half the battle when you're trying to impress a kid. Did you start getting wise to this and start maybe using this to your advantage when the next couple of bows those came around? I should have.

The next guy was like a glass blower and then there was. Your mom knows how to pick them. And then there was a guy that just was like, hey, I brought you a saxophone and it was like already wet. Saxophone. But now she crushed him. I stepped that George shout out to him. He's nice.

A home run hero. She's remarried. Your dad's remarried. Yeah, remarried. But Lake Forest Park again, had a nice, a good mix. But again, like there's just different. I was on the lower end of things where it was like, you know, I bought a lot of clothes from value village.

You know what that is? I can imagine. I can put two and two together. I don't think it's Nordstrom's. There's no mob smashing the place to do a smashing grab job. I would assume. Yeah. Yeah.

There's no Tommy Hilfiger. Yeah. That's so funny that I just asked you. Value Village sounds like. That's a high end place, Adam. I don't know. It's pretty weird out there. There's a Jamba Juice inside of it, right?

Yeah. No, it's. Taco Bell. Taco Circle. It's like if you can't get it at Goodwill, you can probably find it at Value Village. OK. And so a lot of clothes from there.

But you know, mom did a good job of, you know, working. What did she do? Three to five jobs. Three to five jobs. Oh, yeah. She was, I mean, Jude, she was a activities coordinator at a senior citizen home. She was, she had a lot of assisted living, which was helping

placing families that had, you know, in assisted living homes, right? Like the people come to you and go, yeah. Home is insane. It sounds like it. Therapy, family counseling, kids counseling. I mean, just, just crushing it. So then I can at least like have a basketball uniform and stuff

like that, but nothing too crazy. I mean, didn't even get a, you know, a gaming system until I had my Bar Mitzvah and got some cash and she was like, you can buy that shit for yourself if you want. And I was like, I will. And then I bought a Sega Saturn, rolled the dice. Damn. That thing came and went so fast.

That was around for a hot weekend. I was the only one that bought it by the way. I remember even in the store that guy was like, dude, don't buy this. And I was like, fuck you, Neil. And I was like, you know, just, it's my Bar Mitzvah money. Let me spend it however I want. But that game came with like, and it came, you know, the system

sucks when it comes with 15 free games. Yeah. It was like stars. Wraiths were striking out back then. Jesus Christ. Yeah, it was, it was, it was a rough time. Humble beginnings. I like that.

Humble beginnings. I mean, yeah, dude. I mean, just mom instilled the work ethic. And also you just go, I, I think I, and comedy I found because, you know, it was a real big kid, got teased a lot. And then I started to make buddies laugh. So then it was like, OK, cool. I'm not the fat kid.

I'm the funny kid. Yeah. And so then I just kind of. Been there. Rode that train because it was like, cool. That's truly just not, it's taking whatever the assaults that are coming at me off the table. Yeah.

They're coming to me for, for goofs. And it just, you know, came, I mean, probably for all of us, right? Just comes a little, you're not thinking of it as a true skill set. You're just like, oh, I'm just, I just think of something or I see a moment to do something. I'm doing it without really hesitating.

And also just. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. And also just making people laugh like just, you know, just felt good, especially contrasting to like, you know, getting the opposite. Yeah.

Titty twist or something. Yeah. Or a titty fuck joke. Or a titty fuck. I did slam that gorilla bar. I was like, I get it. I got a way problem. Yeah.

You fucking dirtbag. Yeah. Those dudes party. What the fuck? My dad left. He's back in a Filipino and they got my mom sleeping with. Can't throw a baseball three feet. Think I need your shit right now?

The fuck. Put on the 18 and beat it. We are. What was the. Oh, is the 18 with you? Underrated series. That's right. George Rappard.

Shout out to him. What? What was the school your sister went to? It was, I think it was called Cross Creek. There's a private. Yeah. So do you see that Paris Hilton doc? She, Paris Hilton went to a school somewhere to this where it was.

Yeah. It was sent away. She stole my mom's van. Oh, I was at my buddy's house. I'm sorry. Just why does your mother have a van? Oh, I like a family van. It was a silhouette.

Wait. She drove a 16 passing. She drove a maroon station wagon for a while. From the Muppet movie. And then. That's a bad one. And then my grandpa was like, you got to get a fucking new car. This thing's falling apart.

So I think it was like 1200 bucks. My mom swindled this guy or fucking blew him up. So we were at the. And we got a deal and we drive home. Sounds like you blocked a lot of shit. Yeah. It was a. It was like a space fan.

We called it. It was like a round tip. Of course. Yeah. And I was fired up. Looks like something from the Jetsons. Dude, he did. Yeah.

Every time we got in, we were like. And waiting for the wheels to fold up. Dude, it was awesome. And it was just a new car. Right. So that. That gets you jacked up. So then we.

She's sister was dating some guy and just. How old she at this point. So I'm 13. I think she's 15. Okay. And and she's. I was in eighth grade and she. My mom calls me.

She's like, Hey, can you see if Kirk's mom can give you a ride home? I was like, yeah, why? What's up? She's like, your sister took your clothes. I think your money probably that was in your. Your little bank there. My money. My purse.

My bubble. That's that. And, and the car. And I think she's going to Arizona. And I was like. Yeah, no. So I'll get her right home. I'll figure out dinner for myself too.

Did she take the meatballs that were frozen in the fridge? Is that basketball in that up by any chance? I don't have a bad time to ask about that. Play a game of knockout or something when we get home. This podcast is sponsored by better help. Is there something interfering with your happiness or preventing you from achieving your goals? As you know, me and the big man are big proponents of mental health

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What? Why would you take your clothes? She, for her boyfriend, I think. Yeah. What the fuck? Yeah, and just took everything and then got stopped. Are you still together? No.

Now she's married to a white rapper named Dirtay. Yeah, more on that later. Let's put a pin in that. Yeah, absolutely. How do you spell Dirtay? D-I-R-T-A-Y. Look him up. He just dropped a song called I'm Lost, which is great because you're like, cool.

Dirtay Rappers. Dirtay Rappers. Holy heck. Hey, Dirtay. He wants the sneakers back, all right? That guy looks like he could fuck someone up, though. This guy? Yeah, baby.

Holy hell. Never mind. You look great. Shout out to him. Man. Yeah, yeah. No, so that's who she's with now. OK.

So that's a much better choice. So the guy she had in high school. She's a kid. She's making mistakes. She's a kid. Got into some shenanigans. What was in Arizona? A better life.

I don't know. The Phoenix Suns. Dan Marley. Fuck that. You tell me, man. Better burritos, you know? I think that was probably their Florida. For us, that's Florida.

I'm getting out of here. I'm going to Florida. Oh, man. I think she was going to Glendale. So my dad lived there for a little bit. And she stayed there for a summer with him. And I think she just really got keen on the spot. And we were like, OK, fuck.

And then they ran out of gas and organ, picked him up. And my grandparents were like, my mom was like, I don't know what the fuck to do. Like, this is just truly. Is this her first big gotten trouble? Yeah. I mean, that's a pretty big one. She wouldn't come around for a while.

You know, friends come over to smoke. And it wasn't like she was doing fucking crack and stuff like that, but just enough wear and tear and stress on my mom. And so as a result, I would like, you know, I became a good kid. I think Ed's definitely a result of that. Like, I don't think I was some piece of shit anyway. But I definitely.

You told the line. I was like, all right, I'm going to fucking clean the house. My mom is gone all day during the summer. So because I know she's already freaking out that my sister won't be home for a couple of days, stuff like that. Good man. Sweet kid.

Yeah, sweet kid. And also my grandpa told me. My grandpa told me 1.2. He was just like, you're the fucking man of the house. And like, you know, he was fucking holding my cock away. So that's what you received, you know? Yeah. They party up there in Washington.

Yeah, this was in Oklahoma. Yeah. And so then it picked her up and my grandparents were like, I mean, you got to center to a place like you have no control at this point. And my mom's like, I think something's going to happen to her if I don't do anything. Right.

So center of this school and it was kind of a shady thing. How'd you swing that? How'd your mom swing that, if you don't mind me asking? What do you mean? Center of the school? Yeah, to center away. Oh, grandparents. OK.

So they stepped in. It was a tuition. And $20 grand for a year, probably. OK. Maybe more than that. I don't know. But a total shame. I mean, parasoten kind of outlines it in this documentary

about how abusive it is. These places, like, they fuck with you. They kind of get you in and when you go to visit, they're just like, what's going on? Hey, Adam, dude, you want some beef stroganoff? Dude, you want to play some basketball? I've heard about it. Yeah.

It's not basketball. It's basketball. We're having a good time here. No, when you leave and when we dropped her off, it was like, you fucking slut. You whore. You're dead. I mean, these people lay in on them.

Really? They came back more fucked up than she was when she went there. Jesus. So that, like, added to the dynamic of, like, living in this shit hole with her and being fucking, like, cuckoo for cocoa puffs and trying to adjust and get back to normalcy. And then mom's still trying to figure it all out.

And now you're dealing with the animosity of, like, Sis being like, you fucking dropped me off. And like, let me. Of course, yeah. And she's already, you know, and then when you have dad bouncing and then your mom does that. Yeah. That's a, I mean, we've just kind of probably gotten to a point

in life where, like, there's maybe a little bit of, like, forgiveness that's happening. Really? Is this supposed to get this real? No, this is great. I fucking love this. I'm always like, how much to. It's trash, but I love it.

Yeah. This is fantastic. I got to say, trying to paint the picture. The burrito is making a lot more sense. Yeah. Oh, yeah, dude. You're dealing with a fact that never left. I pictured you guys, like, family portrait.

Everyone's wearing white on the beach. I was thinking, like, fly fishing. Yeah. Are you saying that for the Joker, for real? No, being serious. I thought you came from a little bit of a cage. Oh, man, no way, dude. Paid off my college loans maybe two years ago.

Really? Oh, yeah. Where'd you go to school? Went to USC for acting school. You did? Yeah. That's pretty good. So I auditioned for the school to get in and, you know,

my SATs were dog shit. What'd you get? This is big on the show. 11, 10. That's pretty good. You mean you're a fucking genius. The mean average. The second highest in the room.

Hilarious. The mean age or average coming into my freshman class was, like, 15s, 70s or 80s. Smart kids. Fuck yeah. It's SC, man. And, like, these, so they were like, I had extracurricular stuff.

My GPA was pretty good. You know, I tried to ride the Jew thing as far as, like, diversity. Shalom. Get a 10. I mean, when I, when I bad grad, ride the Jew thing. Shows off like a rabbi, you know?

My picture of your grandfather telling me, hey, ride the Jew thing. Every time I walk in there. Really ham it up. Yeah. Always. I don't ham it up. İd you make it straight out of here?

How can you not do it? There is a sow. All right. I think this is a sandwich. Well, even though this is a sandwich, it's true for Charlie. lt's coming in looking like that. It never took a sandwich somebody can put cheese on.

All right? Trying to get you in here. Always trying to make comments about how I just got back from a bristles wedding. Right as later. Its just given a snip. You guys know Moyle. This guy is a Jewish guy, huh?

That's what Jewish guys say. Drama. That's right. You wouldn't believe it. I'm Adam Ray and this is Evil. All occasions do inform against me. You know what commercial I love? Abbey's.

We've got the meats. So. So. So. Are you full Jewish? 100%? Yeah. Nice.

I mean the mom's Jew. We did both for a little bit. I guess when my folks were together Christmas in Hanukkah and then just straight Hanukkah. But yeah. So. So. You know, even when I bagged groceries at Albertson's,

it was like, you know, when I would get tan, like old ladies thought I was like Cuban and shit. So even at one point the guy was asked me because he was like trying to find the admissions guys like trying to find other ways to try to like get me in because he's like, fuck, I don't have the SATs to really be a determining factor here because you seem like you'd be, you know, it'd be a great fit. And then they suggested audition for the acting school because

they were like, if you get into the acting school, if they take you, the school has to take you. Nice. Because I wanted to minor in like acting and then have room to take, look at all these cool classes. There was like Beatles history and I want to take film class. I want to take business classes. I want to minor in something.

If you're in the BFA acting program. That's all. You have your schedule laid out nine to six. You have, you know, better teachers. You have class shows. You're truly going for it. But at that point too, I was just like, I don't know if I want to do acting.

I want to do it maybe is for fun, but I don't know if I want to make it my soul, you know, focus. So then I auditioned and got in and then they were like, and by the way, I was, I went down. There was a kid who was on the school paper with me, which by the way, I got kicked off of because I wrote some article where I was like cursing in it. I was like about the money that like baseball players make.

I was like, can you be fucking a rod? And the woman was like, they printed that by the way. They printed your fucking f-bombs in the paper. This high school? Yeah. And I was like, I was fired up. She's like, you're done. I was like, all right.

And so. That's crazy. So then me and my buddy ran the high school news program instead where you could like, nobody was really like, when we took it over the seniors. Like a show? Like a chat? So my sophomore year was like a 10 minute, the seniors.

Live with Adam. Dude, it was awesome. It was, oh man, if we could go back and really push the envelope. Our sophomore year, all of a sudden they start airing every morning before class, like 10 minutes of the seniors who just thought they were funny. They'd be one of the star basketball players like,

and now with the weather, it's Yusef Arifi Afshar. And then he'd be like, it's sunny outside. And then somebody would pour water on his head. He's like, oh shit. Maybe there's rain too. Back to you guys in the studio. And we were like, is this comedy? And so then my buddy and I took it over sophomore year.

And by our senior year, it was like a 20 minute sketch show. So it was like that somehow, and at the end, we would scroll the announcements. Like, there's a dance, there's a blah, blah, blah. Yeah, there's a what? Sweep, sweep coming up. We got to fucking clean up. Tide's going to rebuy.

Johnson and Johnson's on the horn. They were a big hit for us. Trying to get Tom Cruise in here. And dude, a pledge of allegiance. Brad Pitt's plugging a movie. Maybe we can get him. Oh yeah, dude. So we were jamming away on that.

And what was I saying with the albums? Oh yeah. So the diversity thing. So I was just trying to push that. But I went to LA to stay with a buddy from the paper who was in a frat at USC. And he was like, stay with me the night before you audition for the school.

And I'm just thinking, cool, a place to crash. I'm not thinking about the fact that I'm staying in a frat. I'm like, a Thursday. My audition was a Friday. Thursday's probably the bigger party night. That's the big part in it. And frat row at SC is just bonkers, dude. I mean, it's truly just a row of fucking madness.

I mean, I ended up being in the Jew frat A pie. And one night went to an exchange with a sorority fraternity called Saving Lives. That was the theme where, and I dressed up as Batman. And I passed out. It was the first and probably one of three times I've ever blacked out and was carried down the row by a couple of football players.

And my buddy, like very Jerry Maguire, Cuba Gooding Jr. was like, dude, you got to try to wake up and see this. As it was carrying me down. Because I guess it was like a packed row. And everyone was applauding and screaming because they see Batman being carried down the fucking row. And he was like, bro, you got to wake up.

And I was like, what? He's like, look, dude, they're going nuts. And I remember just opening my eyes, seeing people going, Batman! So then I'm auditioning for the school. And that night before, we're having a big party tonight. I was like, cool. I was like, I'm probably going to just stay in the room,

go over my shit. Cut to, I mean, first time I took bong rips. And I don't do it. And dude, and then drinking. And then there's like this perpendicular to the frat row is a row of fast food that is just everything. It's like the Vegas of fast food. Name a place it's there.

Subway, Tommy Burger, Chipotle, fucking Del Taco, Taco Bell, McDonald's. I mean, a whole strip of it. In my stony, baloney mind, I go, I'm going to go to every place and get one thing. So I went to Mickey D's. I got a fry. I went to Subway.

I got a cookie. I went to fucking, and I went down the whole thing, came back, threw it all up, fucking smoked more, stayed up to like five, passed out, I think on the front steps, or the lawn or some shit, woke up. My audition was at 11, showered. Was just like, what the fuck? So upset at myself.

Like, why did you do that? You gave in to peer pressure. Which, I mean, it was so easy. My buddy was just like, you should come out and have a couple drinks. And I was like, nah, man, I really got to go over my shit. And he was like, or a quick bong rip. I was like, I'll do that.

Yeah, for sure. What were you auditioning with? A couple monologues I've been working on with some local Seattle acting teachers. Scenes from Mrs. Doubtfire. Do you remember the final scene of Air Bud Golden Retriever? So I played the dog, and there was no dialogue. They thought it was genius.

I asked the guy that threw a frisbee in my mouth. I called it. And no, it was a couple monologues, a dramatic and a comedic one. And I remember just being so sick that I was like, I don't honestly give a fuck what happens. And I think that helped. You got in. Yeah, and I got in.

And so then they took me, and then the school had to take me. But then, I mean, grants, loans. You got the single money, a single mother, like we feel bad for you, cash. Nice. And then loans, which were kind of a bitch. And then a little bit of financial, like a scholarship for just some academic stuff.

For those bong rips that you did. Yeah, kids are right. She is kind of a three-footer. But yeah, so thank God for that, you know. What was the number on the bar mitzvah? What'd you pull? Oh, dude, it was probably... 5, 10?

I mean, back then, too, this was, what, 95? So I probably the biggest check I got was probably some hundreds, right? OK. And then cash, and then a lot of... I remember, too, seeing certain people like buddies with the sports courts and seeing like a 20 in the card, being like, what the fuck?

And then one kid gave me a Hakim Elijah on Jersey. And I was like, this is cool. I did ask for cash, but, you know, this is a nice consolation prize. Cash, ports, I love that. I do love the dream, you know. And then, probably... Grand total, probably close to like 5 grand, probably.

That's pretty good. Yeah. I think for a sixth grader, yeah, it's pretty good. Yeah, it's not bad at all. And that's why I bought the Super Nintendo right after that. Really saw that coming the other way, huh? Talking about being on the wrong side of history. And that's when I bought my fuck swing, you know.

I put it all in Enron and kept it moving. I like that you bought it out 95. You're like, 5 grand, but with inflation, that's like 10, 10, 5. That's like three Bitcoin nowadays. It's a million dollars. Oh, yeah. Also, AE Pi, I went to Temple University.

And AE Pi, their slogan was, we put the brew in Hebrew, which I thought was some of the best marketing for a frat ever. That's brilliant, yeah. We put the, I'll never forget that. Dude, they called us AE High, because I mean, there are so many people smoked so much pot. I mean, it was, we had a five foot bong.

Jesus. That just got ripped by this kid named David Spiegel, Jew, all the time. Steven Rabinowitz. Yeah, all the time. I think he now works for the government. Cut this. What do we do?

I don't need a fucking drone strike on poties. What the fuck? Just signed a new lease. I'm gonna be on the wrong end of a fucking Stinger missile. What did that, what's your pop to? Dad was a doctor. Dad was a big cardiovascular surgeon, just retired actually last year.

Wow. What, 50, I guess years in medicine? Wait, so he did good. He was crushing it, yeah. And then... How was he with the... Well, so I ended up losing, I mean, ended up losing his license.

Oh boy. For prescribing Andy DePresence to his secretary to like give to him. Like, really like, I mean, yeah, I guess ethically fucked up, but... But I mean, come on. He was such a good doctor, open-heart surgeries on the reg.

Wait, he got in trouble? And big hospital in Seattle. Yeah. He gave his... Yeah, because I don't think you could be on that stuff or maybe... Yeah, it was Andy DePresence. You couldn't...

Oh, he wrote a prescription for his secretary so he could take... Yes, yeah. And he shouldn't even... I mean... Doctors aren't allowed to take Andy DePresence? I don't even know that. Probably not if you're doing procedures,

maybe not. Maybe, I don't know, I'm assuming. I'm not even sure the true, you know, order on that. I'd rather have the doctor calm than have him be fucking nervous. 1,000%. Take a couple zanibars.

You got your head on straight. My heart's open already. Yeah, you need a school bus to get your head on right? Let us know. I've heard stories of like some of these guys like, you know, pulling these all-nighters and like 40-hour surgeries,

like falling asleep at the fuck while they're cutting. So it's like, yeah, hey man, put them on whatever they need to do the job. Yeah, what the fuck? But that... So that kind of cut the supply chain off and then made things extra tough. And then they...

And then he was just up shit-greak without a paddle for... For... I mean, has always been since. So... Did he ever get his license back? Yeah, in certain spots, but... Yeah, and was able to start working again

and then move to... Sounds like he got real rude a little bit. So he went to AZ to kind of work for a little bit, then move to an island called Midway Island in the... Which is like, you know, halfway to, I think, between Guam and Hawaii.

Wait, what? It's on Midway? There's like a hundred people out there. Is that where MASH took place? That was one of the biggest battles of World War II took place. Yeah, do you say MASH? Yeah.

Is that where they film MASH? No, not at all, dude. They filmed it in Burbank. What are you talking about? I don't think they filmed it there. If this is where I find out that none of the... The Filipinos on that island told me that I was fucking walking around

where Alan Alda was taking... Is your dad Alan Alda, I think? Oh, God. I wish, man. I wish. And that's not the first time I've said that. Yeah, so then he went to Midway, then he went to Quajolin,

which is another island deep in the fucking middle of the ocean. Damn, that's fucking crazy. And then Taos, New Mexico, and then... Sounds like tax shell. Laughlin' Nevada. They're real loose out there in Guam.

That's technically a territory. Take all the antidepressants you want. Doesn't matter. Load this guy up. This is seeing his prescriptions. There are these things called goonie birds. Don't cancel me. And they...

No, these giant-ass birds. It's called goonie birds that were on Midway. I don't even like little birds. You land. And they were like giant pelican flamingo things that literally were like everywhere. Like, you couldn't walk without fucking... I mean, it looked like the scene

from Hitchcock's Birds, where you're just like, I'm gonna fucking get eaten by these... Neverending story, you know, Tasmanian devil things. And they're just flying around squawking and cocking at you. And it was cool to visit. Played a lot of basketball. How old were you when this was going on?

When he moves out to Midway. So that was probably... That's crazy. That's an insane statement. Yeah, I thought that was just like a military base. Yeah, no, they had a handful of American... Maybe 30 Americans out there, and then he was one of the doctors out there.

And they would do a lot of stuff and then send people to the big island if they really needed it. And Quadzill was more like 2,500 Americans where they had middle school, high school, you know, Elmitch school, so my half-brothers were out there. And that was cool to visit.

How often would you go out there? I went out there maybe twice. And how old were you when I started asking? In high school? So when he was in Midway, that was sophomore year, and then Quadzill was a junior. I actually went on the show Blind Date twice as a joke.

I wore wigs to try to fuck with these girls. And one was awesome, the girl got blackout drunk and fell out of the van. And it was on ease, 101 dating moments where we're at a bar, and she slips and falls and I just go, woo, as she falls,

and they put that on the fucking, I was like, could you pick a better moment where I'm a little more supportive instead of just watching her fall? Wait, Blind Date was the one. Are we jumping around here a little bit? With Roger Lodge, yeah. Wait.

Yeah, that was the one where you would like, you would like go like do like a boxing class and then like... Yeah, and there'd be the thought bubbles like, this guy's really about to take the real punch. Oh, man. Some of those would get hot, some of those would get hot and steamy.

Oh, I wanted to get to the hot tub, so I brought that back. The hot tub? Man, I was like a 12-year-old. If they ended up in that hot tub, my pants were coming off. Dude, 1,000%. It was just like a porn hub back then.

It was my CT. I might have jerked off to you. 1,000% you did. I'll do it right now. Dude, it was like, because they would show, it wasn't just like you'd see them like start to inch in and kiss, and then they'd cut away

or like close the door to the house. It was like, they'd show them like sloppy, making out for like a minute and a half. Yeah. The guy would be touching her tit. It was a lot. Let's talk about the good folks over there, a black buffalo baby.

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at mintmobile.com slash garbage. Do it. Now back to the show. Did you make out on the show? So I tried to, I brought the Batman suit because in my head is a joke. Oh my God. So she rips my wig off.

That'll seal the deal. I wasn't trying to find love. Fuck off. I brought the Batman. Hey, you want to kiss a virgin? It was all a big goof. I got one hand job to this point. Yeah.

It's talking about double dipping on your greatest moments. So my hope. They carried me down flat row in his thing. You're going to love this one. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah.

Well, because in my head I go, as a joke I go, I want to get to the hot tub so that there's a wide shell of me in the Batman suit and then she's sitting across from me. Wide shot. He's directing the thing. Dude, I was. What's the boom situation?

What's the jib situation over here? And then I go, they'll cut to me. And then I'll go, Batman suit. They said, bring a bathing suit, not Batman suit. That's a pretty good bit. I'll give you that. That's what I wanted to do. And then, but we didn't make it that far because she

fell out of the car and they sent her home. She was from Chico, California, which is, or she went to Chico State, which is a real, we took like, we did body shots. I did a, they were like, so you're a Jewish guy, right? And I was like, yeah, that's probably a better way you can say that. And so we're going to do a Hebrew lesson in the park

and drink Manashevot's wine. So she never had that. So we do that. And then we're taking, I mean, triple shots of tequila at like the lunch portion. So she's hammered. And then, and that's why she fell out of the fucking van and then that was a wrap.

And I was like, so we're not going to the hot tub. And then she goes like that to me as she's like puking and they added a gun sound effect. So I was like, that's not a gun. And so, and so then the second time I went on, this girl was, I'm talking about my dad being. Is this when you're at USC? In college.

Yeah. Okay. And I was like, I was in a quadriline. That was the whole point of this. And the girl like was such a prude. And she was like, she's like, you just make up islands where your dad lives. No, that's a real place.

You can look it up. She's like, yeah, no, I think you're lying. I go, you think I would make up an island that my dad lives on? I go, I gave you a little bit of the backstory about how my folks put and you move with this new family to, this is a lot of research for me to do to like come up. How much do you think I really want to impress you?

You already said you don't drink and you don't like spaghetti. I was like, you're over two as far as I'm concerned. Lady. I got spider-man outfit under my shirt. What are we doing? Sweating over here. Trying to set this bit up.

Trying to set this really stepping on my shit. We're running out of filming. We got one shot at this and the sun's going down. Yeah. Yeah. We got one Roger Lodge outtake in the can. If this doesn't go well. Let's go.

Adam Ray coming in here fucking stunning us. I mean, so, so then, so then, yeah, I went out to visit dad. And then so he moved all over Laughlin, Nevada, then he moved out of a couple places in Oregon. And now he's in Salem, Oregon, but just retired. But was crushing it when he was in the heyday of it. I mean, truly. Son of a doctor.

Yeah. But then also, I mean, again, like going back to just like living with my folks together. I don't remember like, you know, it's not like we did crazy trips or anything like that. So it's like, where was that money going? You know, or, or, but, but, you know, historically my, my pops is, you know, probably not been the best with,

with handling all that. But, but yeah. So it was a, it wasn't too going from that to then being with mom, like was, you know, things were dicier and just more like fucking, we can't do as much and you got to like watch things more. But it didn't feel like that crazy of a thing because before it wasn't like a lavish.

I wasn't living doctor kid money. If that makes sense. When you're a little kid, you don't really realize. You don't even know. Yeah. Do totally. It's like, you get a playmobile fucking pirate ship. You're like, that's 14 bucks.

I think most people can fucking pick that up at the store. You know, and so you said your mom remarried now, remarried now, settled down. I mean, she's good. She's happy. She had that 10 years of, of trying to figure out with a glass blowers and basket shot throwers and how about the sis other than sis remarried, married Dirtay and,

and finally got her shit to go to. She's doing okay. Yeah. Doing, doing okay. I mean, yeah, there's every family's, you know, as you just get on, you go, man, there's just like no, nobody is immune to the family drama, the bullshit. No.

No one's perfect. I mean, that's like, you know, and I feel like I've, I've not maybe been the glue to the fan, but definitely tried to sound like a little bit trying to keep my own shit at bay and never bring that to the table because everyone, I feel like it's just dealing with more stuff. And I'm like, I'm kind of getting to do what I want. And there's, I mean, you know, you guys know, it's like we

have in the daily grind of all this, there's so much stress and stress and pressure and, and things that can get you down and get you up and, but, but I still feel like it's, I have less to complain about. Yeah. Yeah. Of course. I mean, I give you credit for that because it does sound

like you did it. I mean, the last thing your mom fucking needed was you walking around in a Batman suit. Yeah. So look at it. We're stealing her other minivan. That was the last time I was on TV. She probably would have killed herself.

All right. Let's get into some fucking, uh, are you garbage? You queues here. Yeah. Um, I mean, the writing's on the wall though, but yeah, man. What a tale. What was, did, nobody lives in the original house that you grew up in, right?

Uh, people do now. Yeah. Like, yeah, not your family. Not my family. Yeah. So what was the, what was the name of that street? Cause you mentioned cul-de-sac. Oh yeah.

Which is pretty good. Which is pretty classy. I'm a cul-de-sac kid myself. I love them, dude. Yeah. The amount of like front yard baseball, I mean, like was, you know, and, uh, Don't even have to look both ways when you cross the street.

You don't, man. So what was the name of that street? Uh, I want to say 35th place maybe. And then Ballinger Way was where I lived at the, uh, at the end. That's pretty good. Ballinger Way. It is really good.

Yeah. It's okay. Yeah. It was all right. But I mean, you know, working at the, uh, the Albertsons grocery store in high school, I mean, it's like, again, you saw, that's where you got to see like people coming in late night, the fucking skeezy, shady people buying like just peanut

butter and lube, being like, yeah, man, you know, you got, you got diet cashews. You're like, that's not a real food, man. But it's good to see you again, Thomas, you know. Diet cashews. Yeah. And then, and then you get the people coming in, buying, you know, $500 a day worth of groceries, just the moms that are

like, you know, just making the best lunches and, and you know, just, you know, having affairs and just, you know, all sorts of Lunchables for breakfast. Real classy. Oh yeah, dude. Definitely pulled some of that. I mean, yeah. The, the, uh, the, uh, town centers where that was, but again,

that's where you got to see all the different level, uh, levels of money that was coming through. Was Albertsons where your mother shopped? Yeah. Growing up. So I, so she, uh, she was like, look, I'm going to help you get like a, um, a car and, uh, but you got to pay for the gas and the insurance.

We only got some for about eight, 900 bucks and, um, and then, uh, real piece of shit, little Chevy spectrum that was like, I mean, four seats, but like we packed in. I was one of the first kids to drive and one summer we packed in probably 12 kids from the basketball courts we played at in the summer down to like where the lake was. And the car was just like scratching on the ground on Ballinger Way.

Was it a hatchback? We were all just laughing. No, it was just a little four seat. Um, Was it a hatchback? No. Because I had a Chevy spectrum hatchback. Did you really?

I was sick. My brother. Fuckin' loved it. My brother. Wasn't it a great car? Fuckin' zippin' around. You drove stick too, huh? Oh yeah.

I was always real impressed by those kids. I'm surprised you didn't. That's a very trashy kid thing. To drive stick? Oh yeah. I thought you were fucking- Who's got automatic money? For real?

Yeah. The stick is- I thought stick just was like, I don't know, it was cooler, it was just- Sticks are cheaper. Oh really? Yeah. Manual transmission is much cheaper than automatic.

Especially back then. Yeah. I mean, there were no windows on my car, but yeah. One door warrior. And for the record, Foley's scraped from the ground too. Yeah. Just me in there. Yeah.

Yeah. So yeah, so then Albertsons was the job to kind of pay for all that stuff. Which sucked too, because I'm the only kid working during the summer. All my friends are coming in. And the Albertsons was at this town center across the street from the lake. So they're all coming in. The girl- It's like freshman year-

Everybody's a bikini. A thousand percent. Making out and stuff in your bag. Customer service. Hey, bread on the top, Adam. Fucking smooshed people's eggs and shit. Oh dude, it was the worst. Hey Ray, make sure you cut my crust.

I remember a girl came in, was it Siobhan or maybe Ellen, right? Just one of these girls- Let's go with Siobhan. Let's go with Siobhan, yeah. She's just crushing the game. And she's like, and sees me, and it does a wave, and then comes over and is like, do you know where they keep the- You know, it's just some item that was rubbing at my face that I couldn't-

The tannular or the titty. I need somebody to- I wish you could do it, but you're putting the fucking bagel bites on top of the toaster strudels. I don't want to get your lunch meat stinking on me. Nice apron, Adam. You're like Daniel LaRusso back there. Oh yeah. I would always go out to collect carts so that I could just like get out and try to like,

you know, meet up with some of my buds and get the scoop on what was happening. Like, who's over there and they're like, oh dude, you gotta- Can you just leave? No man, I gotta pay for my spectrum, man. How are we gonna get from the basketball court to the lights next week? Well, look at you now, baby. Yeah, man. Look at you now.

How are we doing okay? Probably have three spectrums if you want. Go back there and buy that. Albertson's a top notch. I used to be an Albertson's employee myself. Top notch operation. For real? Yeah, they bought Acme.

Acme's out here, you know, on the East Coast and Albertson's bought Acme. Albertson's good, man. They always had like good, you know, like the potato salad. There was a girl that worked behind the service deli. It was like the first time I remember like getting like a hookup and also hooked up with the girl that was in the service deli. And she was like five years older than me. I think I was 17.

She was 22, maybe even 25. And she wanted to date. And I was like, I'm fucking 17. And then she never gave me fucking, she never, I remember one time we had like a weird text exchange and then I walked up to the, on my break and I was like, hey, you mind if I get some potatoes out? And she was like, gonna be a minute. And I was like-

Oh, taking number. Wait, had you already gone on the date? No, we didn't. We just had hooked up a handful of times. And then she kind of wanted to like date. And I was like, I, like, I know nothing about, I still- Take it tied down right now. I'm driving a spectrum.

I'm driving like, I can't get tied down for sure. Take the only place I get my potatoes out, honey. A lot of grocery stores in this tri-state area. Let a player play. You know what I mean? Stop putting raisins in the coleslaw. Maybe we'll talk. I should cut you off, huh?

Yeah, yeah. I saw you kind of shortchanged me on those JoJo's, huh? You know what JoJo's are, right? The little potato, little potato, fuck it. No, but you're trash, man. Let me get a bag of JoJo's and what's that mouth do? What's that mouth do? It's so creepy.

Oh, man, especially at 17. Took that from my uncle. With a lot of swagger, what's that mouth do when you've done scooping that fucking slob? Man. Oh, my God. Yeah, so she's still there. But no, she-

Definitely not as attractive as you remember. Yeah, that was the end of that, man. I think she dated a military guy and I remember like- Kept tabs on her, huh? What's your Instagram handle? Well, I was still working there because this- Big guy, let it go. I'll get you some potato salad.

Toby, come- Get Uber Eats, yeah. What the fuck? Get the guy some goddamn potato salad. Oh, my God. That's beautiful. Too good, too good. I haven't told that story in a long time.

I felt good. I felt good to get that off my chest. There you go. Hold that one in. Start crying. Oh, my God. All right, I got one. Have you ever crashed someone else's car?

Oh, yeah. I mean, just, yeah. It looks like you're counting them in your head. I feel like the Adam Ray legal department is looking that over in your brain right now. I'm seeing a couple right now, yeah. I do not recall. You guys filming this?

Yeah, I mean- You guys aren't recording this, right? I think really just, I mean, my fiance's right now, hers just got kind of not totaled but banged up pretty hard just on her street. I mean, it was totally not my fault, but the person just wasn't looking sland right into the driver's side. Oh, damn.

I mean, it's a real great story. I mean, again, probably mom's car fucked up a few times, but- Everybody crashes their mom's car in some way. Yeah, you have to. It's a ride of passage. Yeah. It was also, oh, yeah. When my mom's car got jacked up the van,

it was coming back from a Dave Matthews band concert. Oh, that'll do it. And- She wasn't with you, was she? No, I was driving my buddies back. She was selling balloons. I fell asleep at the wheel. You did?

Yeah. And I remember falling asleep like this, and then we didn't sleep that last night, and it's like you party all night, and then the sun's up at like four. Everyone camps out at the Gorge, which is like an unbelievable venue in Washington state. It's where they close their shows at.

I mean, Tom Petty used to go there all the time. The big festivals, rap festivals, reggae festivals, it's like the amphitheaters on the edge of this canyon with the Columbia River behind it, you camp out. It's fucking incredible. It's like three hours east of- It really is all over the place with the lake and the Albertsons. Yeah.

And then- There's a mix. I'm trying to- I know we only got like what? We got like two- I don't know. You're paying them a great picture. I'll cancel the corporate party.

It's a big mix. Yeah. So we're driving back, and I didn't sleep because I- you know, those Dave Matthews bands' concerts, you're walking around, everyone's playing songs, everyone's like, dude, man, Saratoga, 98, man.

That version of LionR Graves. It was maybe the best, man, because there's like- Carter was ripping it on the drums, and everyone's just like feeling good. You did a bunch of drugs. What's that? You did a bunch of drugs.

I did, yeah. I didn't think you were drinking protein shakes all night. You're trying to explain it like- So you're like, oh, they're hanging out, man. I finished my third strawberry go-gurt. You were all skits out driving back. We get it.

I've been to a concert before. Not a Dave Matthews band concert, though. So I eat a bunch of edibles. And my buddies leave. My buddies leave. I was with probably three buds, and I wake up. There's like two hours where everyone's out,

like probably four to maybe six, where it's still dark, and it's just fucking quiet. There's maybe a couple of people up. You still can hear music faintly. And I wake up at this person's camp thing, and it's a fucking big campground. And you come in the first day of three days,

Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and you park, and then you set up shop, and I didn't know where the fuck I was. And I wake up. I'm so disoriented, like truly and very high, and just not going to panic mode, because I'm like,

there's no way I'm going to find cells dead. Like, there's no way. So I walk, for no joke, a little under two hours, all over the campground, finally see my buddies fucking see the thing. I start running. I go, wake the fuck up.

I start kicking them all in their sleeping bags. They'll maybe start laughing. One of my buddies was getting a handjob during, as I was kicking them, because I'm hurt. This was like blinding all over me. Get to Batman. And then I get it,

and we wake up that morning, and we drive back, and yeah, so I mean, I was half asleep, and I, you know, jostled the car once, and I look in the rear premiere, because everyone else was sleeping,

and I see one of my buddies go, and then he wakes up, and he just goes, did you just fall asleep? And I was like, no! Yeah. And then they kept driving, and then fell asleep again,

and then just like scraped alongside a car, like on the freeway. Crazy. Yikes. Yeah. And lived to tell about it. Ha, ha, ha. Ever wear a pukashell necklace?

Uh, yes. When I was on, uh, Midway Island, for sure. You know what I'm saying? When I was out there on the, and Quatch. Midway Passport. Trying to blend in.

A thousand percent. Dude bleeds my hair for a little bit. Yeah. Had a fucking, uh, sugar ray. Start talking that you're making accent. Like, dude, wrong country. Yeah. And, uh, we can adjust.

Yeah. Um, can you name the guys from Paul and Stars? Oh. No. Oh, that's a good sign. That's good. There you go. No.

Have you had a slider in the last 365 days? Oh, yeah. Okay. Love those. Do you have a nice watch? Ever wear one? No, but I had a Dick Tracy watch.

I remember those. Like, as a joke? Like, as a kid? That was a great question. Is this a bit again? Are you doing a bit? Like, for real, man? Like, you wanted that?

I mean, were you a little... Like, you asked someone to get you that instead of something else? It was like a decoder. Yeah, it was like the... Because remember, Dick Tracy had that thing where he would, like, always be like, Hey, Al Pacino.

Madonna's showing her put, you know. Was it a Happy Milk thing? No. It was like a, um... You were an adult when you bought it. No, this was a kid purchase. Okay, all right. That's okay.

No Mickey Mouse watch. That's perfect. But I had a... I mean, I just posted recently a pic of us at Disneyland. My mom took Sis and I, I think, shortly after they split to kind of like, Hey, we'll go to Disneyland.

That'll fix everything. And I had a fanny pack and a Michael Jordan shirt and, like, fucking some Nike. Like, it was a mess. But a Disneyland hat and, like, a goofy sweatshirt and, like, goofy... I mean, it was... Fuck, dude.

It was a bad look. That's not that bad. I'll give you that. Right? Yeah, I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna throw you out of the bus for that. When was the last time you did karaoke? Oh, I love karaoke.

Big karaoke guy. Yeah. What do you have a go-to song? Um... Once you got one song and you're closing out the night. Everyone's pumping you. Come on, get up, get up. Adam, dude.

You gotta fucking... You gotta make it right. I mean, Bohemian Rhapsody. I'll do the whole thing and I'll go for it. Really? Oh, yeah. I did it when I studied abroad in London in the Midam Tussauds Wax Museum.

And at the end of it, my buddy said where I was in the program with, we went, got a little Stony Baloney, walked through this at the end. There's a huge, like, a huge open area. Like, you know, through the museum is pretty, like, close-course, but there's a huge, like, café and there's a big stage and they have,

you know, British Idol, whatever. They have Simon and another judge and then an open space for somebody to come sit and then somebody hosting so you can be on, you know, British Idol, whatever. And it's basically karaoke in this big, open area at the end of the tour. And so I was like, I'm gonna go up there

and sing a song. And now all the songs, by the way, are maxed out, like, 30 to 40 seconds. So I tell the guy, I was like, hey, do you got Bohemian Rhapsody? And he was like, yeah. He was like, but that song's like 19 minutes. I go, do you mind?

Start slow, come in heavy. Yeah. Watch me for the changes and try to keep up, will you? We're gonna drop a ton of the key of C and blow these Brits hairs back. I want that big Simon to come to life and start applauding. And so I do the whole thing, dude.

And I like, it was a wireless mic. Like, I was on tables. I went to the fucking... He's got the headset on. I mean, I'm in acting school, so I'm just full on theatrical. Yeah, hamming it up. Yeah.

And I'm like, dude, like, this place was so... No one's paying attention to it by the end of it, dude. Everyone's watching. People are fucking applauding, getting into it. I fucking was like, you know, pulling people up on the tables, fucking singing, like, giving to the mic, like, going like that. And...

You melted all the wax figures. That was so hot. Get throwing heat up here. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, fake Betty White came to life. And so... You're dancing with her? So that's a go-to...

Also, I mean, any 90s, you know, R&B thing, if I'm real fucked up, or Billy Oceans, Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car. You speak English language. Love the Billy Ocean. Love karaoke. Anywhere. I mean, dude, when I was...

I remember running one of those rooms and done, like, a party. Oh, yeah. Those rooms creaked me. There's no windows. It's weird in there. Yeah, it's awesome, though. Take the worst casino. Yeah.

When I was hoping for Adam Devine on... We did a little Australia tour, and then Japan, a big troops thing. And we went to some dive bar and did... Him and I were just so hammered and did a duet of Creed's Take Me Higher. And like... Sounds like a good time.

Gotta be honest with you. And got a lot of people involved. And it was like... It was like, sad... It was sad how into it everyone was. You know what I'm saying? We're like, how many of you are looking over, seeing a couple like being like...

You know, it was like... Somebody proposes. Yeah. It's a bitch night of my life. There's a fly over at the end of it. The Blue Angels show up. Crocs? Wear them?

Fuck no. Okay. Hard pass. Have you ever started the wave at a sporting event? Oh, all the time. That's a Seattle staple. I remember when I was... First time I went to Fenway in Boston

for like some choir orchestra trip, when we went to a Red Sox game, and I tried to start the wave, and somebody goes, shut the fuck down. And I was like, it's a Seattle wave. He goes, fuck you. Nobody gives a fuck.

Fuck you. No, mom. I agree with that guy. I want to go on record. I'm friends with that guy. Yeah. But that's a big Seattle fan. Obviously not a blind date fan.

Yeah. This guy's a... Season 9 episode 4. Give me a Batman suit. Yeah. Fucking celebrity up here. I know Roger Lodge, man. Take it easy.

Oh, you met him? Provid. Growing up, did the refrigerator that you had in your house was it side by side? Freezer on the top. Oh, yeah. It was a fridge and then freezer.

On the side? Yeah. Did you have the water in the ice? Like where you could... The chilled water in the ice machine? No. Okay. Yeah.

Not to maybe... Growing up, no. And then high school, yeah. All right. All right. Anyone in your family really into Harry Potter? Did you read all the books?

No. I did a girl in high school that was really into it and always and was really always definitely bummed out that I was like, couldn't get on board. The fantasy stuff, even... I've never... I've seen 20 minutes

of the First Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones. Yeah. I mean, I know there's a lot of butts and dragons, right? Mm-hmm. I love World of the Rings. The thing of the Harry Potter

that I can't get my head around is that adults were reading a 1200-page book about children's fantasy. That's what always freaked me out about it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's... That's what I thought was trash.

A thousand percent. And it was nine of them. Now, that would take me eight years to read that. It seems like a lot of your life to dedicate to something that doesn't matter. Yeah.

Sorry. Sorry, everyone who loves that stuff. Yeah. We just shadowed most of our fan base. Yeah. Toby, cut that. Patreon.com. I just couldn't do it.

If I had to pick... I mean, the Harry Potter ride at Universal is pretty cool. Yeah. I mean, if you like motion scenes. I love the movies. Don't get me wrong. I'm a Dumbledore fan.

Oh, yeah. I just don't know how anybody fucking read those things. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. Do you have a Harry Potter guide to you, Bone?

Dog, I waited on my front porch for FedEx to deliver the fourth one. Did you really? Oh, yeah. Just two weeks ago. You're so fired after this. Wow. And you sat there and you read it.

Oh, yeah. How old were you? Oh, 11. Oh, okay. Yeah. Listen, as a kid, that's what I'm saying. Were you pumped? Like, when you read that fourth one,

you were like, it's just as good as the third one. Did you leave your head beer in or what'd you do? Do you beat yourself up after you? Yeah. I gave myself a wedgie.

I close it and I was like, I think people have to wait two more years for the next one. I was legit said. She was cranking them out too. She did. That was smart. She probably had them all ready to go.

No, that wasn't money. As you guys are younger than me, I forget. If you were a kid and you were into it, I thought that that's great. Yeah. 11, 12 years old. I mean, now.

Reading a thousand page book, that's unbelievable. But my problem is like my generation, they were reading it too. It's like, you're 31. Yeah. Yeah. What are you doing?

Now, how do you feel about with comics? Because like I, so I went, my first job out of college was a tour guide on the tram at Universal Studios. And then I played Wolverine for a couple of years. And the other guys that were Marvel comic characters. Really? That's pretty sweet.

It was cool. It was, yeah, it was like 23 an hour. And the tour guiding was like 8.50 an hour. Did you have to take the suit home with you? No, I didn't. But I did get, I mean, there was, I mean, there's just stories for days on that too. Did you hook up with any other cast members?

Yeah. I mean, it's any work job. Superman. Beetlejuice, Shrek. The second, the backup blues brother. Beetlejuice, John Goodman's character. What the fuck? John Goodman.

He was that good. No, I'd go character to talk to a lot of celebs, man. I mean, dude, I remember it. Full Wolverine garb was just like, you know. Just doing this on the paycheck, man. Going to break Maddox. And I was like, dude, I'm a huge fan. He was like, what?

From the Braves? Yeah. He was like, oh, okay. He's like, can you just break character? I go, yeah. Holy shit, it's Lenny Dynstra. As I live and breathe. I thought you meant like celebrities, like people in the industry.

Tom Cruise or somebody. Yeah, that could help you out. I saw Michael Jackson. John Stamos. So I did as a, I was also a New York cop and who like, wasn't from anything. And you're walking. There's like a small section. I thought you meant in real life.

Like I thought you weren't. I was like, this guy was on a job. Well, yeah. You know, I had to protect the, you know. So you worked at Universal. Fiona from getting accosted by Dora the Explorer. It was a lot of stuff happening. You worked at Universal Studios as an actor.

For about eight years. Yeah. Wow. It was a lot of fun and a lot of cool people there. But yeah, Stamos, I'm doing, I'm waving this night stick. And I got this big Orville red and buck and mustache and a whistle. And I blow it. And I go, I go, hey, slow down.

Speed racer. I go, I go, I go, they're not going to run out of moose at Vidal set soon. And he just looks at me and just goes, nice. Like basically like, I get it, dude. You're an actor trying to do a bit with me. Like just, I mean, rip the rug out from one of me. I was just like, all right, you have a good day, Stamos. Take it easy, Uncle Jesse.

But you're putting your resume back in your pocket. You put your screenplay back. I guess you won't be needing this, Mr. Stamos. Oh, there's those people there. Dude, Spielberg came in the park one day and people definitely brought stuff and were like, had it on them. And this is my point about the comics. There's a lot of the guys that were the other characters were obsessed.

And they'd come in the break room. I remember the guy just as Beetlejuice, been there for like 40 years. And I walk in one day, I'm peeling off the civerns. And, and he, and he sits down and he just takes it. He goes, he goes, fellas, he goes, take a look. He takes it out of this like package. He goes, mint condition, Archie or whatever fucking, and they're all like, holy shit.

And I was like, whoa, wait, so what is that? And he's like, I forgot Ray, Ray doesn't like comics. Because I just was like, you know. Yeah, I was never a comic guy. I think I had a couple of Ninja Turtle ones, but never enough to really like make it a part of my routine. But that was like, because you were probably a Ninja Turtle fan. Yes.

So it wasn't like I'm a fan of comic books. I'm going to get this. This is the problem. But these are adults still in the comics. So this is like my question. Like, is that? This happened in the not like, growing up the only association in the 90s with comic books was comic book nerd.

Right. You were a nerd if no one, and then comic book movies came out. Yeah. And it's like the coolest thing in the world. All my friends are like, I've been reading the comic books the whole time. I'm like, nobody fucking told me.

Yeah. Like you were all, everybody was doing it in secret for a decade. Yeah. And now it's like the coolest thing. Now it's the coolest, right? Yeah. And I mean, now they're, and now it's also,

they probably have like, you know, a step up as far as like knowing what stories are coming up next. I mean, like somebody told me there's like 30 Marvel movies like in the fucking waiting in the wings. Fucking awesome. Of characters you just don't even. Awesome.

You know. Yeah. Haven't even been introduced yet. I can't fucking fart cock or something. Like there's got to be some sort of. It's not my cup of tea. I can't wait for the Spider-Man to come out. I can't fucking wait.

Oh really? Oh. Big Spider-Man guy. Huge. I fucking love it. I love it. I couldn't read when I was a kid though. Still can't.

I couldn't get into the comics. I just, I couldn't. Dan couldn't read? My brain, I mean, I could, but I was terrible at it. Yeah. I didn't have enough attention to fucking get through all that stuff. When did you, wait, did you struggle with the reading in class? Oh yeah.

Fucking huge. I mean everybody did, but if you truly like, couldn't read. Oh yeah. They didn't find, I didn't get glasses until I was in like eighth grade. Oh so that was the problem. So I, well. I mean. Yeah.

That's the excuse you're using now. And then when I was in college I was diagnosed with like really bad ADD. Yeah. Yeah. I was bouncing off the fucking walls, but they tried to give me riddling to fucking take care of it. I went up to Penn State for New Year's Eve and we did a whole bottle in one night. So.

Oh. And wait, was there a moment where you read a sentence with like out any trouble and it was like the fucking aha moment or like you almost started crying because you're like, holy shit. I think I can read now. Like was there one moment, one phrase? I didn't do much reading that weekend at Penn State. That's what you're asking me.

Even pre or post Ritalin. Like was there a moment where you, I don't know, read the back of a catalog or a phone number. They never gave me another bottle after it. Gotcha. They were like, what, where is this? And they were like, how's that? How's that in real life?

Did you read something where you go fucking? I had no problems getting through that sentence. I knew all the syllables. I got the sound. I centered it out properly without having to do it in my head. Probably not. Yeah. Probably not.

Okay. Yeah. Let's go ahead and move on. Did you guys do it in like junior high? Hey, this kid's dumb. I'm not getting what I want here. A question. Would you guys have like pop?

You're still a moron? Okay. I can read a script. Oh, great. Yeah. Oh, cool. So it's just certain things that get in the way. Yeah.

Yeah. All right. Cool. Beautiful. Beautiful silence. Don't take that out. What was the next question? I forget.

I have one. Okay. You're doing well now. You're doing good. You're okay. Right? Well, you got your first big check. Did you do anything stupid with it?

Oh, yeah. Lay it on us. Oh, man. Got a... What are we talking? When are we talking? Probably it was after the heat was probably like the first cool thing I got to be a part of and get some like residuals from.

And I think it was maybe like a $25,000 residual check. What residual check? From like the, you know, all the back DVDs, whatever. Yeah. Or it... Yeah. What was the initial payment, if you don't mind me asking? Not too crazy.

I mean, it was like... Was it more than $25, right? No. Oh, no, no, no. No. Residuals or more? I have a week. Maybe it's...

Maybe I got maybe close to 20, but then you take out, you know, agency and tax stuff. Sure, all that bullshit. Yeah. But you got a residual check for 20? Just because it was the first thing. So there's like a not... And when you're... You know, I was...

I was out there for like a couple months in Boston doing it, but it was... I just... I was at such a beginning stage of it to where I think they could get away with... Sure. But you got a residual check for $25,000. Yeah. And yeah. So, I mean, I definitely did...

I think I took my fam to like a... You know, some beach house thing in Seattle and did a whole... And rented like bouncy houses for my nieces and nephews. You spent all $25,000. That's fucking awesome. A lot of it, yeah. And then... I bought a lot of weed.

Like I had a buddy that just... I just bought a lot. I always wanted a fan size about like having a drawer just full of fucking weed. So I probably dropped a thousand bucks on... I'm fucking a lot of weed. I like that. And then the trip. And then definitely some shoes.

And I might have been it. Nothing that grew in value, I would assume. No, no. I'll just quit. Those sound investments. Oh, I went back and got another Sega Saturn just to kind of relift the good old days and see if Star Fox still held up. They're going to come back.

I'm telling you. Yeah. Yeah. Very good. I think I just got one or two more here. Yeah. I think the writing's on the wall. Let me ask you this real quick, though.

You guys have Toys R Us Shopping Sprees throwing your face as a kid? Did you see commercials for Win A Toys R Us Shopping Spree? Oh, yeah. Is that a garbage thing to want to be...to fantasize about that? Or to think...like to want that? Obviously. I would want that now. Because rich kids are like, I can get that.

I can do that now, Jeff. Yeah. You're going to ton up a muppet giraffe in my face and think that's the way I get...right? Like... Yeah. I would have loved it. I remember it was like two minutes with a car. Oh, yeah.

Get whatever you want. And you're like, you had it strategized. Yeah. Like in between the Super Bowl. Well, not that. But it was like... I remember... We had to take a commercial break.

Kick it over to Kitty City. Presidential inauguration. Caleb's got 90 seconds. The Notre Dame game. What a rookie mistake. Rookie mistake. They take up too much space in the car. Bubble gum.

Go for the collectibles, Stevie. His parents make like four grand a year. He's so nervous. He just goes to the bathroom to take his shit. The whole family's futures riding on this. We were going to sell all these items. Make sure that cart's got four good wheels. Oh, my God.

That in supermarket sweep. You let me go in a supermarket and I'm cleaning up. By the way, diapers. Baby formula. Turkey. You commentating all... By the way, just seeing you commentating those things, they should bring those back and have you commentate.

That was amazing. Rookie mistake. I can't believe it. Like a younger Dick Vitale over here. Someone's going straight for the Barbies. Am I right, Jenny? Mom's favorite singer, you know? Oh, Bette Midler.

And I, yeah, I met Bette Midler at a holiday party. That's pretty classy. I was pretty drunk and went over to her and called. No, I called and she said what up to my mom. It was amazing. Oh, really? Mom says she like wants to come back as Bette Midler in a second life.

And I'm like, this is probably the second creepiest thing you've said. She's obsessed. Yeah. She's obsessed. Yeah. And Sinatra. Okay.

Yeah. All right. Shout out. Pretty good. And the lead singer of Smash Mouth. That actually put him over Sinatra. Based on that last video that came out. You see that?

Yeah. What was it? I did see it, but I forget it. Oh my God. Behind a KFC Taco Bell. It's it's somewhere. It's bad. Kind of seedy.

And he's just like, it's not just belligerent. Like he's on the moon. Yeah. And he, and it's the video, I think they even spliced it up to kind of make it. Sinatra we're talking about. Fly me to the. When him, Dean Martin got up to what the fuck?

No, there's a lead singer of Smash Mouth. Just going for it. It was at a, it was at a winery or like a vineyard type thing. And he was like spitting Q and on shit. He was just like, it was incoherent. It was, I think it was like, I think he just took a sip of beer and then like spit it on a woman.

Oh, that he did that too. He did everything you don't want to do with the mute in the Rockstar handbook. I think he forgot the words to like all star or something. It was like bad. I can do that right now. He was like, Hey now you're a good guy. I think so.

All that glitters is the GOP and they're going to take over. Pizza gate. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Adam Ray, 100% certified Pacific Northwest. Yeah. Kid is trash. Well, we fucking love you. That was a tail, man.

That was a good one. Thank you so much for being so open and honest about everything. Fucking absolutely fantastic. What do you got coming up? What do you want the folks out there to know? Oh man. So today, I don't know, let's drop to December 10th. I'm on this show called Crossing Swords on Hulu that the

robot chicken guys created. It's me, Seth Green, Tony Hale, Brecken Maier, Adam Pauley, Evette, Nicole Brown. Love Brecken Maier. Yeah. Nicholas Holt. It's a filthy medieval time show, but it's all the stop motion robot chicken animation.

Nice. It's pegged people in medieval times, but it's fucking super filthy. It's South Park meets fucking, I don't know, all in the family. It's an awesome show. Comes out today. Comes out today on Hulu, I think all the episodes. So when this comes out, it'll probably have an episode or two

out. People can check it out. Yeah. And then season two of Young Rock. I go back to film that in January. I'm playing Vince McMahon on that show. And then that comes out. It's fucking awesome.

It comes out in March 15th. And then the podcast about last night just had on Sandra Bullock and, you know, lots of other people. Damn. Love that Sandy. Yeah. Big fan. Yeah.

The best. And then adamrycomedy.com for tour dates. Check it out. Unbelievable. What an episode. What do you got? Back camera and comedy on all social media. Patreons, tribe to the YouTube.

The whole nine yards. Thank you so much, guys. We appreciate it. Gang, we absolutely love you. And we'll see you next week. Peace. Bye.