Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Alexis Guerreros: Newark Trash

Episode Date: March 25, 2021

Kippy and Foley are back with comedian and podcast host Alexis Guerreros. Alexis talks growing up in New Jersey and the kid knows his food! Its a fun one! Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AYGLiveShows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage https://www.sheathunderwear.com https://Stereo.com/kevinryan Subscribe on iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/are-you-garbage-comedy-podcast/id1499140700 Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage? Oh yeah. The show, we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out they grew up to be classy, or if they're just a big old piece of trash.

I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day down here in Aunt Toody's basement. Spring has sprung down here. Haven't seen her in a couple of days starting to get a little worried. That's all I got. We're concerned. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage. He's really an international businessman. Sure.

Gang, the next time- I've been to Mexico. Gang, the next time you reach for a best pal, do your favor. Go ahead and make it a kippy. Give it up for Kevin James Ryan, everybody. Hey, gang. Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. And those numbers are true to roof.

I think we harmonize there. And then also patreon.com. You can sign up to get premium content. You get bonus episodes of AYG. Which I don't think people knew are there episodes that don't get released anywhere else. So there's like a bunch on there. People didn't know they were different episodes. What? So there's an episode where we play AYG with our moms. We do milk for dinner. We do a whole bunch of shit.

So get on there, check it out. Also, hard feelings. This is me and Foley mixing up a little behind the curtains. You know what I mean? A little bit of HR, a little bit of business. Everybody loves them. And then we play AYG with you guys, with our top tier patrons at the end of every month. That's coming up. And also, we just passed 1,000 today. Shout out to everybody on the fucking Patreon.

Thank you so much. Everybody. I'm getting another Kia. One for the weekend. Just one to smoke in. Yeah. It's going to be pre-owned. Smoke and eat in. Just keep it light. I like it.

April 20th, Raleigh Good Nights in North Carolina. Get some ticks. And April 21st, Zanies at Nashville. Get some tickets for that one. Let's go. Chicago sold out. Sold out. Fucking three days. Sold out.

My kind of town. They're putting us to the screws. Let's go. What do we do to you guys? You got the Stimmy Check. Also, Raleigh. That's what they want you to do with it. Go out and enjoy yourself. Come see the kids.

Raleigh's moving. The tickets and Raleigh are moving. So if you're playing on going, get them soon. I'm going to eat a lot of barbecue in Nashville. You're going to get your money back. Come and see us. You eat a lot of barbecue here. I got a lot of barbecue on me.

All right. Real quick. Shout out to our producer, Jordan Eyre. He's the product of the Chicago comedy scene. We love him. You know him. Give it up for T-Bone McMuffin. Toby McMullen.

How are you? Good. I'm feeling good. I'm locked in. Little rocky start of that bony we just did. But I'm fired up now. Toby was 0 for 32 on the hard feelings episode. Shoot or shoot, dog.

T-Bone's got his plane tickets. He's ready to rock and roll. He's got his neck pillow on already. His kid's ready to fly. Oh, I got my little, my comfy on. I got a Snuggie and some fucking Ugg boots. Let's go. Kids ready to rock and roll.

Gang, we could not be more excited to have our incredibly special guest here with us today. One of our great pals. So happy to fucking have him here. He is a very funny actor, comedian, podcaster and personality. This guy does it the fuck all. Yeah.

You might have seen him in dollar store therapist. Minimox on Comedy Central. Bojack Horseman on Netflix. Get Money. And of course the indie hit timing. And you know him as the co-host of the Cooligans podcast. But the big question, but he's mine today. Is he garbage?

I know this guy well. I say he's going to be annoyingly classy. Yeah. Because he's fucking, he does it right. He's got a set of rules that he lives by. He's got a set of rules. He's clean. He knows a lot of good food.

A lot of good play. Does it nice. Yeah. He's the kind of guy that takes a good shower. Yeah. You can tell when he comes out of the shower. He takes a nice fresh shower. Give it up for Alexis Guerrero.

Come on. I am basura. Yeah. Mucho basura. Yeah. There's no one comes out of norc unscathed. Yeah. New works are tough.

You got stars on you. Buddy, I started my life with scars. I came out. I cut my own way out of my mom. You got scars. But you know a lot about fucking how to handle marzano tomatoes. Buddy, I got to class it up. I got to class it up.

Very classy, you know what I mean? Yeah. So, also for the listener, he pulled up on like a fucking fresh fucking Vespa. It's got like a fucking. But he was in a Bellucci movie or something. He came up with like a matching shoes. Yeah. I have an espresso.

I did not spill that. It was a Vespa with a USB port. I never seen that. Yeah. He pulled. He's a little new money. Kids got a little bit of cash. Yeah.

Yeah. No. I'm a hundred percent new money. My wife goes, you get $5,000 in your pocket. You spent 5,500. That's what you get. Oh man. We're back.

Shout out to Northern Boulevard K. Ladies and gentlemen. Just when I spent on dinner over the last couple of weeks and we got a couple of bucks coming in would fucking shake my mother's foundation. Who's the core? Buddy, I know I'm spending way too much money that I don't have because AmEx hit me up and said, we're making you reserve. Oh.

I got the reserved. I'm going in the Centurion Lounge. That's pretty good. In a fucking hoodie. I don't give a fuck. Hey, what a businessman. Move over. Yeah.

First they asked, are you okay? That was the first thing. You all right? Everything all right over there? You doing good? You freezing these chicken parms? What are you doing? What are you doing?

Market research? God damn. How much time do you spend in little Italy? Two dozen blue point oysters to go. What's going on over there? We're getting worried. He ate them in the parking lot. This kid's got a problem.

Grew up in Newark. Yeah, baby. All right. The streets in Newark. Yeah. Now, hold on real quick. Not an actor comedian. I'm a comedian.

Comedian. That does a bunch of other shit. Of course. Don't give me the fucking slash. No. I won't. I'll tell you what. Oh, man.

That was the fucking Newark. I'm not from Los Angeles. I'm from fucking Newark. I gave you the four slashes and I added personality for the first time I'll have you know just had a respect for you. You didn't fucking put comedian first and I'm going to be thinking about that forever. It's going to burn. It's going to burn.

I like that. Oh, he's a big guy. This guy thinks he's a big time actor. Yeah. But he is an actor and he's a good actor. I'm saying you. So you think you lead with that. I've walked the boards every once in a while.

Sure. Broke a couple too. We need to reinforce these boards. Can we get some steel girders in here? They just cast folly as the delivery driver. I played the ocean in Titanic. Yeah. We're having a good time.

Man, you delivered that with your hack. It was so good. It was so good. It took all of us half a second to be like, did he really? I didn't do it. I was a hop. Well, I didn't mean to disrespect by that. That's just my little list there.

I took some. I had personality for you. Thank you. Because you're a mover and shaker. You're out there. You're doing a lot. You're hitting the scene. I remember at like one point in June, I think, I texted you about it.

It was like mid pandemic. Everybody's home like sucking their thumbs. And then you showed posted a clip of you on stage somewhere. It was like 50,000 people. Yeah. Some of it was like right under the radar of COVID. It was like right before they were like, oh, fuck, we got to take this seriously.

You were like the last weekend somewhere. It was like Lollapalooza or something. It was it kind of felt like that. It was we were the host for ICC, which is like a huge soccer competition. I mean like 50,000 people. It was actually 2,500. But if you ask, add a couple zeros, this guy's doubling it up. It felt like.

Those are my cousins. All right. Dude, it was one of those. Megan Rapinoe, if you don't know who she is, she's like a huge soccer superstar. She's the lady, the soccer player who they said, would you go to the White House? She's like, I'm not going to fucking White House.

Ah, yeah. Right, that lady. So she was supposed to make an appearance. And it was like our time to go to the trailer. We'd come up and like, yeah, you guys having fun? And then we go away. And they were like, hey, you guys are comedians, right? And we're like, yeah.

And they're like, all right, Megan Rapinoe is 45 minutes late. Could you could you just go up there? I'm like, with a bunch of screaming little girls. And yo, we fucking crushed. I had no idea. Who like Barney? Loser. I had no idea I had PBS energy, dude.

I was fucking crushed and singing the alphabet song out there killing. They're all looking at Christian who can't grow a beard. They're like, well, he's our age, right? That's being an influencer. That Filipino girl is cute. All right. Let's get into a little business here.

I grew up in Newark. Let's go. Tough kid on the streets, as we said. But like we also said, you're a fine guy. Give us the whole story. From like birth? From birth. Yeah, let's do it.

Single mom, but grew up with my grandmother, my aunt, my sister in the house. It was a seven bedroom in Newark. It was like a, it was like, it looked like a mansion. But like, if you ever been to like bad neighborhoods that have big houses or that's what it was. Yeah. Like next door, one of the cops and on the other side

were like, was like a, they did like dog fighting in the basement. Nice. So it was like one of those. Like we were surrounded by both worlds. Yeah, dude, it was pretty cool. So the cops would be over there, by the way. They're like, I got 50 on that white one.

It was a great neighbor. The cops used to give us beer through the fence. They were wild. Definitely on the chain. Newark cops. Yeah. Back then, too. Back then.

Yeah. Crack era, Newark. Oh man. This is fucking Newark. You ever seen the 75 or whatever it is? Oh, buddy, I watched that. I was like, those were the good old days. Yeah.

Shit. Buddy. Wild West. And these cops would have like beautiful cars pulling up. They were definitely some suburbs above ground pools. The reason they were still in Newark is because they were doing wild shit. Sure.

Nobody like, yeah. And they could have moved around under two years and gotten the fuck out. But no, let's hang out here. Yeah. Flying to the radar a little bit. Yeah. Never had sideburns those guys.

They always had their sideburn shape. That's how you knew a cop was on the take. Crew cut. They were like, don't look that clean in a photo. Yeah. I mean, this ain't the army. Yeah. Grew up single mom.

Worked. She worked five jobs. Did you know your dad at all? I mean, kinda. Like we knew of him. And he stopped by once in a while. Your mom was born here as well? No, no, no.

I'm a Cuban. So here we go. First generation Cuban. First generation, my mom went through a hard labor camp for two years. They call him concentration camps, but that sounds odd. Right. She went through a hard labor camp for two years to get out of Cuba.

In Cuba? In Cuba. If you said you wanted to leave, Fidel's like, hey, just sign the paperwork. You can leave. As soon as you do that, the armed guards arrested you. Before you leave? Yeah.

You got to work for two years to pay your debt to the state. But these were like. Guy runs a tight ship. I don't know what you want. Fidel's got rules. I mean, what do you want for me? What's the break room? I wish they would have, my mom's like, I wish they would have told us

the rules because maybe we wouldn't have signed up. But didn't she have to kind of cool her jet somewhere when she got here too for a little while? Well, they made her, they were only allowed to fly first class roundtrip tickets to Spain because Spain was communist at the time as well. Okay. So they lived in Spain for nine months to work and get enough money to get to the U.S. where like, like someone had to be like your contact and say like,

I vouch for you. Sure. It's all, it was easier than getting in the cellar. It was like, you know, it's like baseball. Someone said like, yeah, they're, they're, but that person happened to be an orc. Like everyone else's was in Miami. People like fucking flip flops.

I'm wearing Tim's like, what the fuck are we doing? Right. So someone. What the fuck? Yeah. Someone in Oregon is like, I got him. My mom's like, no, no. Delaware or something?

God damn. Do we beach? Anybody? That's awesome. So we got fucking stuck in norc. But I'm happy. I'm glad I grew up in norc. Cause I, when I was a teenager, I got caught in a stolen car, which is my way of saying

I had nothing to do with it. Like a fourth world world 14. That's like your bar mitzvah door. Hey, you bris. I got your arm around you. See that cutlass over there? That's your present. If you can get into it.

Are you the moll? So I fucking, my buddy pulls up in a Mercedes. He's like, Hey, let's go for a ride. I'm like, okay. 10 minutes later, I'm like, wait, whose car is this? We're 14. How many baseball cards did you sell? He must really taken up the trash a lot this week.

What do you know, the cops next door? Wait, hold on. Let me ask you a question. Where's your grandmother? My grandmother is back in Cuba for nine years with my uncle because he's a draft age. But you said you, you grew up in the house with nine years later. They came really. So your mom was the first one to come.

My mom, my aunt and my grandfather. She wasn't pregnant with you yet, right? No, no, no, she met my father here. Okay. The fucking prick. All right. That's very new work of your dad. Yeah.

She met my dad here. Fucking scumbag. Yeah, scumbag. I wish I could see him. He actually asked for my number. I told my sister to give him the number to life support or some shit like life insurance. You refer to him as your mom's baby daddy. You don't even say to my dad.

There's marriage photos. So my mom's baby daddy. Was he American? Uruguayan. He was from Uruguay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was living here, obviously. Yeah.

He was living in a big Cuban neighborhood with my mom. Gotcha. Where they lived before, like right around the time before they moved to North. Okay. Because they got an apartment in West New York, like what, Union City? Sure. I got you. Bobby Connelly's from there.

Nice place. I got you. Yeah. Union City's nice. Yeah. Junien City, as we pronounce it. So anyway, they met, they met, but they like went on a couple of days. They didn't get married yet.

Everyone's living in North. My mom's working like, you know, day and night trying to fucking save up enough money. They buy a house really cheap at the time. I think it cost them like $18,000 was like nothing for this house. So that's the house I grew up in. Okay. My father bounces by the time I'm three months old. Okay.

They break up because my mom catches him cheating on her. He leaves. This is the seven bedroom in Newark. We're talking about it. This is the seven bedroom. Got it. So they redid the basement. That's where they added the extra space.

My bedroom was the attic growing up. That's the seven. And right now it's just you, your mom and your dad. The family hasn't come over yet. No. Me and my mom, my sister, my aunt, my grandmother, and my grandfather. So your, their mom and dad had two kids together. You and your...

Yeah. I'm the second. I had miscarried or whatever. It was born dead. I don't know how that works. Still born. That's the word I was looking for. Yeah.

They don't call it born dead. I've got the medical... That's still the best Bon Jovi song. Who's a doctor? Springsteen? What the fuck? This one's born dead. Terrible.

Best karaoke song. So, yeah. So it's the five of us, whatever, six of us in the house. And it's like little Havana. Like, you know, it's rice and beans. And it's like little Havana. And it's like little Havana. And it's like little Havana.

And it's like little Havana. And it's like little Havana. So, yeah. So it's the five of us, whatever, six of us in the house. Okay. And it's like little Havana. Like, you know, it's rice and beans every night. It's not that...

What'd your mom do working? She worked all different, like, hospital-based jobs. So, like, surgical tech. You know, the... That's pretty good, though. That's like a, you know... It's a step below a nurse. Yeah.

Yeah, she did all right. She worked, like, whatever the endoscopy and colonoscopy, you know, tubes up your button down your back. Sure. She was, like, the clean. She cleaned those. She worked at a doctor's office, like, as a receptionist. Hospital.

She fucking... That's where I get my energy from. Like, I don't think, unless I'm, like, exhausted by the end of the night, because I did so much shit, I don't think I'm doing enough. Like, that's from her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She worked, like, five, six jobs max by the time I... Like, throughout my youth.

I was 11 years old. I learned English by the time I was, like, nine. Right? So, by the time I was 11... Because it was only Spanish in the house? All Spanish in the house. Does your mom speak English now? She speaks English with a heavy accent, even though she's still...

She completely understands English. She could communicate for hours. Just has a real thick accent. She still thinks in Spanish. That's, like, the big switch she didn't make. So, like, I was, like... I want everyone's wearing, like, cool clothes. My friends got, like, Timbs and all this other shit.

Like, I want that stuff. Strong Cuban community over there. For the most part. By the time I'm, like, 10, 11 years old, it's mostly Dominicans and Puerto Ricans. Okay. A lot of Caribbean black, too. Like, Grenade and Jamaican. So, like...

You know, me and my black homies, we'd say, walk one to them. Like, they weren't... Popping over there. Food was probably out of control. Let me tell you something. A couple of sternos going. Good. They were smacking like...

Oh, my God. Dude, everybody's backyard smelled different and all amazing. It was so good. Damn. Yeah. It was, like, an old-school Eataly or something like that. There was one African-American family, and everyone else was, like, Caribbean. If you were black, you were Caribbean, like, Dominican, Puerto Rican, whatever.

Haitian, whatever, yeah. Oh, Haitian. This was, like, straight-up African-American. They invited us all to a cookout, and they're, like, cooking, like, southern black food. Yeah, like macaroni and cheese and shit. And everyone's, like, why isn't this spicy? It was. It was, like...

They were, like, we're not. We make amazing food. That's what I'm talking about. I'll never forget, they wrapped fried chicken in newspaper to let it dry, and when you unrolled it, it had the print of the newspaper on it. Oh. It was the most delicious fucking... I got a ziggie.

It was... We should do that with Silly Buddy. Oh, my God. I almost threw up. It was the most amazing fucking fried chicken you'll ever have. And it was cool. So, Mike... Have a nice meal and find out what Marma Duke's like.

I'm fed. You're, like, middle Bailey. What a fucking character. Crunch. That made me want fried chicken so bad. Anybody need an 88 Buick? Yeah. That OBO or Best Offer.

Mom, sixth job. Look at this. Oh, shit, Steve died. So, like, fucking... It was, like, a fun town. You don't realize it's, like, super dangerous? When you're in it. Yeah.

When you're in it. You know what I mean? Like, we knew we had that idea. But, like, I still live my life that way. Like, I don't... I don't take my iPhone or iPad out on the subway. Like, I still live, like, on the North... You do have those traits.

And that's a really fine line separation. Because I worked for a guy who has a similar background like that. And I remember, like, you know, you know, we think we're from whatever. But when you're really from herbs. And there's a line like that. Well, there's just those habits. Like, I took money out to, like, give him back.

And we were in the West Village. Like, you know, like, we're on 7th Avenue, like a nice part of town. Put your fucking money away. Put your fucking money away. Don't fucking put money. Don't hand me money out. Let me tell you a quick story.

So, I'm 12 years old. I know English. I just got a job. I got money in my pocket. Right? Just got my third job. By the way, I got fired my first day working at a factory when I'm 12 years old.

And my mom treated it like I got let go and we don't have to keep the house. Like you lost your pension. Yeah. My mom was like, that's not what we do in this family. It was a while. Like, I got punished.

It was a while. I couldn't carry four pallets at a time. What do you want from me? They made me go back. My mom made me go back. I got fired on a Friday. I got the job on a Thursday. I got fired on a Friday.

My mom made me go back on Monday for my job back. There's nothing worse than when the parents get involved in the job. Like I had that too where I was like, I told the story on this.

My mom made me call back in and walk back into work. And I was like, devastated. My mom's like, tell them you'll take less money and I'm like, I don't even know how much I'm getting paid.

Like they made me fill out paperwork to pretend I was 16. I put my social security number was like nine. I didn't know. Four, four, five, five, five. I'm like,

what are these dashes for? Is this a phone number? I didn't fucking know. So, I got money in my pocket. And there's a guy. He used to be Italian in my neighborhood before the Latino showed up. Okay.

And there's a guy named Dickey who was like the mob boss in the neighborhood. And he's the one who collected like protection money. Numbers, all that kind of shit. And I knew he was dangerous. You know when you're a kid,

like I don't care where in the world I am. I know when I'm near the projects. Like I just know. It could look different. They could look like homes. I know when I'm near the project. I just know it.

We're talking what? The 80s here? 80s early? 90s. So this guy, I knew he was dangerous. First of all, his name was Dickey

and no one made fun of him. He had balls for it. Not one person. He was 900 pounds. Everybody said he looked good. And whenever he left the fucking pizza shop or a bodega, whatever,

everyone was like that. Whoever the owner was, was like, fuck that guy. Man, I hate that fucking. Like I knew. Something was up. He's dangerous. So he always,

he loved my grandfather. My grandfather was like, buddy, oh my God. Great pizza shops. And also whenever he walked in, whatever food he ordered, that's what everyone else ordered. He was like,

that's gotta be good. Like if he was like, I'll take the, you know, I'll take the veal, the veal color. Dude, I do the same shit. I fucking love, this guy knows what he's doing.

Yeah, yeah. You go with that guy's order. Absolutely. 100%. So he always respected my grandfather. We had like a green apple tree in our backyard. And it was the sweetest fucking apples.

He would give the apples to little old Italian women. Because my grandfather knew we need to be protected in the neighborhood. Sure. Smart guy. Keep your head on swivel.

Absolutely. He was like. Check your fucking six. And dude, my grandfather was here with my aunt and my mom. First, nine years later,

my uncle showed up. Uncle moves to Puerto Rico because he can't stand the weather. So he got you. Gotcha. So my grandfather, like my bike got stolen when I was a kid.

10 minutes later, I'm not even making it up. 10 minutes later, fucking one of the guys is like, this shit bike, right? And we're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And my grandfather was like,

we like, he didn't know how to. He's like, what's the appropriate? I don't want to get involved. He's like, what's the appropriate? Thank you. So we don't know you a favor. It's essential my grandfather was like having a conversation with.

Got a couple of Granny Smiths in the back. You know what? Take the tree. The shovel. We got to dig up the roots. Everybody got a D Ruda. Quit Jamaicans.

Get over here. You know, it was like, they were like super nervous. And I was like, thank you for the bike. And they're like, no, you wouldn't have a problem. They're like the apples.

My mom loved the apples. In fact, she brings over some sausages and tomato. It was like the fucking, the guys were like, my grandfather was like, please don't ever talk to those men.

So the fucking Dickie comes up to me. I'm with like four of my friends. He takes his fingers like a gun. And he puts it to my chest. He goes, give me your fucking, give me your fucking money. My friends. Like, you know,

when you hear your friends leave you, you hear the silence behind you. And I'm like, it's always tough when you look left and you look right. You're like, I know they're not going to be there. I know. I was just like, fuck you, man.

What the fuck. So I, how old are you? I'm 12 years old. I take out my wallet and I give it to him. And he goes, see, that's the fucking problem.

He's still got his fingers in my chest. He goes, that's the fucking problem. I ask you for your money. Not your wallet. And I got money. I got like 20, 25 dollars. Why don't you have a wallet at 12? That's right.

It's got a fucking job. Yeah. That's the whole thing. I got a newspaper folded under my arm. I didn't get a pack of palmals. Black coffee. I didn't get a wallet until about a year ago. I swear to God.

You know what? Honestly, I believe it. I've known you for 10 years. I believe it. Foley's wallet is also Velcro. Fucking just coupons in it. It's one more, one more coffee.

I get a free one. Couple years. He takes the money out. And there's like photos of my mom and shit. You know, there's like the library card for school. And he was like, what's this? And I go, those are photos. And he goes, no, these are papers.

So he takes the wallet with the money in his hand. He folds it. He goes, put that in your back pocket. And he goes, what's this? He's like, I'm like, that's money. He goes, this is what I fucking asked for. So he gives it to me. And I go and I open my wallet.

He goes, no, no, no, no, no. Wallet in your back pocket, money in your front pocket. He's like, you put the money in your front pocket. Yeah, I do it. So then he goes, boom, give me your fucking money. I go to reach my wallet. He pushes into my chest. He's like, I said, give me your fucking money.

And now one of his guys like, hey, dude, what are you doing? He's fucking 12. And he's like, shut up. And he's like, I said, give me your fucking money. He's yelling. People are watching. And I go in my pocket and I go to give it to him. He goes, throw it behind me.

And I throw it. He goes, if I'm robbing you, what am I going to do? And I'm like, you're going to turn around and grab the gun. He goes, I grabbed the money. He goes, and when I turn around, what are you going to do? He goes, you're going to fucking run. So he goes, now what's in your back pocket? And I'm like, my wallet goes with what?

And I'm like, my papers. He goes, papers take fucking weeks to get back. Money you could find on the floor. He goes, pick up your fucking money and don't ever do that again. I just walk him by to this day. I'm not making this up. Wow. To this day, there's my money.

Damn. And there's my wallet. No fucking dollars ever go in my wallet. To this day, like, that's it. He taught me that. He taught me that. And I was like, that's it. Take that Sesame Street.

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And save today. Woo, baby. Want to take a quick second talking about the good time that Uncle Hank and the old kip-kip-kip-arino are having over there on the stereo app. Usually every Thursday nights at 9 o'clock we're taking your questions live on the air. Yeah, guys.

It's an awesome app. You can use the link in the description to sign up. You join. We get to wet our beaks a little bit. It's a nice live Q&A, a little after party, a little extension of the show. Good way for us to interact with you guys. You record your question live.

We play it live. We answer it live. It sounds great. We get a couple hundred people in there. It's a good old time. We get trolled by some teenagers, which is fun. A couple of teens hop in. We mute them real quick.

Boom. Pow. Sticky move. I tell you, those kids with the iPhones. God love them. Guys, go to stereo.com slash Kevin Ryan or slash H. Foley. The link is in the description. Sign up today.

We'll see you then. Now back to the show. That's Norkin' like a nutshell. You know what I mean? Wow. That's like the best way. Holland, Pennsylvania was nothing like that. How did he make out?

Is he OK? No, he didn't. So we found out. Sticky had a bad run. Sticky had a bad run. Sticky had a bad run. Sticky had a bad run. I found a gun in a trunk.

They were all Imperiali's guys. Imperiali was like the dude who ran all the Nork. And that all started crumbling. They all started. They found an ambulance full with guns. There was like a turret attached to the front of it. Damn. Underneath the hub.

Yeah. Those guys were. I think they started going crazy. They thought like people were listening in on them. They probably were. But not just the government. Like they were afraid of everybody. That was like a massive house over by the park.

And those dudes like they went from like parties and you could ride your bike by and they'd be like, yeah, you want some whatever. Got a little dicey. No one was out there. Guys with like hands by their hips. It got real weird. And then all of a sudden they all went away. They were gone.

And then the main restaurant in Nork moved to the mayor who ended up getting arrested for being wildly corrupt. He took over the restaurant. So like I think it was like a huge power play. Those guys were getting old anyway, but huge power play and everyone just disappeared. Like I remember how I know the kid whose dad owns got even, which is like the big bodega there. And I said, yo, whatever happened to the guys who used to come by and collect.

He's like, one day they just stopped. Damn. And I thought like power vacuum. It's like they lost the neighborhood by that point. Yeah. Yeah. Was that the same mayor that was like a caught up in the abscan thing in the sharp James. Yeah.

Yeah. Road. His last day in office, he wrote a bike through city hall wearing a Malcolm Shabazz hoodie. Not a hoodie. A wife feeder and a hat. That's the school there. Fucking. What a legend.

Right in a huffy through city hall. Man. And he said, he said, I won't say the whole thing, but one of the reporters was like, Hey, what do you have to say about the people who said you gave because he gave land to his goomads, like to his girlfriends. And he goes, he said, I say, fuck you. And he said, that was one of the last things he yelled through city hall office. Yeah.

He was technically still the mayor. It was just the fucking best. Fantastic. And then Corey Booker came in and we're like, oh, this guy's too clean. He was. Booker's a nerd. He's such a fucking nerd. He's such a nice guy.

I don't know about the paper and the wallet thing. I bet you'll be asking for it. He'll give you his money. He won't even know. He'll just give you his money. Like, listen, I have Venmo. Take the tree. Holy shit.

All right. So what was high school like? High school was rough because, all right. So I get expelled from elementary school. You did. You got expelled from elementary school. I got expelled twice. I got expelled twice.

Once in elementary school, once in high school. So what the fuck? So the stolen car thing was how I got expelled in elementary school. You're not apparently in nor can not allowed to get arrested. Big shock. You know, the cool thing was the guy who arrested me was partners with one of the guys next door. So he brought me home.

He didn't bring me to the police department. But my name still made the fucking the report. So when I got back to school, all the kids who really did steal the fucking car and me were all called to the principal's office. Next thing you know, I'm going to school in Nutley, which is the mob town. That's where the writer for the Sopranos comes from. Martha Stewart's from there. Beautiful town.

I ended up hooking up with this girl. Beautiful redhead. I'm married to a redhead now. Probably what started it. Right. Beautiful redhead. We go to our house. There's this fucking massive photo.

I mean, the size of your wall, this huge, like, beautiful frame. Like the kind of shit you see in a mall and you're like, no one buys that. Sure. And it was the dad with his legs crossed all wearing all rings in a suit and his daughter and his wife next to him behind the big chair. And the guy you could tell is like four foot eight. And I said, what the fuck is that? And she goes, that's my dad.

And I'm looking at him. I'm like, I got to get out of here. I was like, no, that's I'm like, all the furniture is like really ornate. I can hear meatballs being cooked. And I'm like, it's like all my sensors are telling me, run the fuck out of here. You throw your money down the hallway and take off. Dude. Dad's playing with no serial numbers.

Dude, I got super fucking nervous because she like would we would like hang out. Right. And I got super nervous. I was like, yeah, I don't think we should hang out anymore. And she was like, dude, it's probably because you think my dad's in the mob. That's bullshit. That's not real. Like two years after high school, she were we're in college.

And I said, like, what happened? And they're like, oh, she owns like three tanning salons in New Jersey. And I'm like, I know it. I know it. She's managing a rock club down the shore. What the fuck? Yeah. Waste management.

Could you believe it? We found a bag of pinkies in her house. Yeah. Imagine they were just honest. They're like, yo, she presses a couple of local unions every year. She's great. That's like, that's like our buddy Chris Scopo. His dad's in.

He's like the biggest move from Queens. And I'm like, oh, what do you do? What's your dad do? He's like sanitation. I'm like, could we get any more fucking storybook mob here? Did you ever see what was that? The most dangerous year in New York or whatever? The most dangerous year.

Yeah. There's a guy. There's a guy in there. The oil. The oil. There's a guy. There's a character in the name Ralph Scopo, which is Scopo's dad. Scopo's uncle.

No. But he goes, oh, it's like an uncle we don't really know. He got shot. He got fucking ran up on in Staten Island and the dudes that hit him. Hit him. Like, I'm in like, I'm fucking Johnny mob over here. What part of PA are you from again? Holland, Pennsylvania.

Hey, Donnie Baldo. You know, I met that guy's kid, Donnie Brasko's kid. He's a film director. Well, isn't Donnie Brasko like, he like, after like, Alexis, there's all over the place. I think you're in the mob. He said Donnie Baldo. Far as Gumpa Newark over here.

The guy's real name is Pistone. Yeah. I met his kid. His kid's a director. And the reason he said I made a movie and it was called like Federal Cash Flow. And I didn't hear him. I'm like, you made a movie called Fidel Castro.

And I was like mad. And he was like, no. It's called Federal Cash. It's about like bullshit loans or whatever. It's dope. It's awesome. We need some bullshit loans. Shout to Biden.

That Stimmy's got a hit. Moneybag Joe. Let's get it here. You guys had your toe and everything over there in Newark. Buddy, you know what's funny? You live different. I meet people in New York now who aren't from this area. And they just, they don't know how to tip right.

You know what I mean? That's big here. Those are the things you learn on the streets. Yeah. Those are the things you learn. It's not the streets. Yeah. But like more blue collar people, Middle America tips better.

They know how to take care of people. Not Middle America. I think it's East Coast. No. It's 100% not Middle America. I meant like middle class. Middle class. Yeah.

I've been stiff by some lady from Wisconsin a million times on a waiting table. I'm trying to say. I'll leave them 8%. 8% and you broke my balls for an hour and a half. I'm trying to say normal working people from, you know. From here. Yeah. It's a Coast.

I don't know. It's an Eastern seaboard thing. Because it's a very mob thing. It's like cash. You got to hit them with fuck. I remember being like fucking seven and being like my dad just like fucking breaking dudes off with your money. You got to do it.

And it's just like, I go, oh, that's what you, my dad would agree. He would call it greeesome. Yeah. We went to Vegas. I got remarried in Vegas at the Bellagio. Yeah. And I remember just everybody getting dubs. Buddy, I just picture everyone wearing jeans and matching linen shirts.

No, we did. All right. I had a suit, but I did wear a sweater. It was just a sweater and a jacket. I look like Tony. It's a brand. It was at a gold chain. But he would call it greeesome.

You got to greeesome. And that's what I learned. I'm like, oh yeah, you got to fuck it. Everybody's got to get, everybody's got to wet their beak a little bit. Sure. And then all my jobs were tipping jobs growing up. You know what I mean? Yeah.

And a new guy today, I went to the butcher shop to get bread and meat and the brand new guy. And I was like, oh, no, I'll wait for Vincent. And he was like, oh, Vincent, he's off today. He's like, I can help you. What do you need? And the guy was cool. He was like busting my chops a little bit.

We joked around the cat. We joked about the cat. And I'm like midway through, I was like, yeah, he's going to get a tip. And I fucking, I gave him 20. And he was on top of the thing after the credit card. He was like, oh, no, you gave me the credit card. No, it's for you. And he goes, cool.

And he said it like, oh, and I'm like, next time I go in there, I'm not going to have to wait for everybody. Yeah. Or even if I do it, I'll be like, I got you. Or give me the good pieces of meat. Yeah, check me. You got to check me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like you pay for the better service. And all these old, fuddy duddies with money, they don't know how to fucking do that. And those are the traits that you have that I like when I say, you know, you might have come from a rough, from a rough part, but you know how to like, well, how many guys, you know, goes to the butcher shop? Yeah, well, he's, well, so hold on. You have a specific thing. He's a food.

He's a big food guy. Big food. Yeah. Big Italian, everything. But it's sort of like you're, you have a lot of rules. Pizza was what gave me my name. Yeah. What got me my name and food.

Yeah. Yeah. So it's like you're very, he likes to butcher shop. He's not going to get fucking, you know, he's not going to the fucking shop right to get, you know, thieves and Watson. He knows how to handle himself in a deli. When I get wings, when I get wings, I go, are these air chilled? Because if not, I don't want them.

What does that even mean? Because if you, if you freeze them in water, then the skin will never get crispy because it absorbs so much water. So you've got to get air chilled wings in order to get the way. That kind of shit. Yeah. Yeah. That kind of.

He told me that about the pizza at Fierro's or what's it called? Fiori's. Fiori's. Fiori's. Yeah. The reason that it's. The bacon or the pepperoni. When the sauce is exposed to the heat, it melts down and reduces and gets more flavorful.

Yeah. That kind of shit. It concentrates the flavor. That's the purpose of standing on the stop pizza is the sauce is exposed. So the cheese doesn't completely cover the sauce. If the cheese completely covered the sauce, the moisture would actually settle into the crust. I know.

Yeah. He was yelling at me for eating Elio's at the time, I think when we had this conversation. All right. So let's get into it. You were like screaming at me. And you had to do a frozen pizza. What are you doing? I'll go.

Gone to your head. It's going to sound shitty. I'll give you the bullshit answer and then I'll give you like the what you want to hear. The real answer is I'd probably go for like table 87, which is in all Whole Foods. It's made in New York and then a vacuum seal. Class. Class. Class act.

Class act. If you want to hear like you're at a bodega that what's available. You had a seven. A bodega. I wouldn't get frozen pizza at a bodega. You're at the soup. You're at. I'm just saying they don't have options.

They don't have options. Right. I'm going to shop right. I'm going to shop right. I'll go. Not the French bread. But I'll still first French bread is lights out the right answer. I got to be honest with you.

It's great. But it's not to me. It's just not enough. Pete. Like I still want it to be somewhat pizza. I see what you mean. I mean, it's fancy. It's on a roll.

To me. It's basically sauce and cheese on a roll. That's a French bread pizza. Yeah. There's not even a lot of sauce on there. I'll give you this much. You know what? I will go stove for his French bread and I'll throw it in a toaster oven because that's

how you do it. That's how you do it. Last key kid. Microwave. You see someone start their oven. You're like, what do you do? I have to do it now. We start the oven.

I don't have a toaster oven. You got to get a toaster. Were you a toaster oven kid growing up or toaster? I was a toaster oven. Did you have a toaster growing up? Or was it toaster oven? No. We never ate sliced bread like that.

Only for sandwiches. So we never toasted them. No. I was on a day morning and they'd be eating two pieces of regular toast with butter. I had a butter on that. I'm like, what do you do? Wow. I remember the first time a friend of mine, we had pieces of steak and tater tots at his

house and the mom brings out milk and I was like, you guys actually do this? Milk with thinners. Yeah. I was freaking out. I'm like, oh, white people are crazy. I'm, like, you must take the dumbest shits ever. Milk with meat and tater tots. Eat every part of the cow.

I have another question I want to get through. Do the pizza. What are you getting? Which one? Like if you're in a shop right. Mine is, so you're not going to forage bread. No, I'll probably go like a Elio's if it's like garbage. You will.

Okay, good. Elio's is where it's at. I don't know if that's a national game. You're saying that now, but you really wouldn't do that. I just wouldn't eat pizza. Yeah, you wouldn't. But he's a gun in my head. What am I going to not listen to the guy with the gun on him?

You're in a supermarket. It's only the frozen pizzas. You're in the first part of the story. I see some nickel. I just start listening. This guy's a fucking maniac. He put a gun in my head. He wants me to eat a frozen pizza.

Buddy, we're getting some Elio's. I'm not even putting it on a toast. I'm eating a cold. I'll eat the cardboard. I don't give a fuck. I got a very important question. Go ahead. It's been a spot.

This was the next question I was bringing up. Hit him with it. If you're going to not like a deli, right? You're going to like a Brooklyn bagel or like you're going to a place that makes the bagel. I know the answer to this. No, no, no. It's not this.

You don't toast it. You don't toast the bagel. Dude, that's what this is why I love him. That was leading the way. He didn't even ask the fucking question. He wasn't. I knew. I knew the question because of how we know because of he was like a real place to be.

Exactly. No, no, that's important because you toast the bagel everywhere else. It's a place that makes it themselves. If the bagel is coming out of a plastic bag, you fucking toast that. Yes. Yeah. If it's at a bodega like in the storage bin and you know they don't bake it themselves, you got to get it toasted.

Here's the truth about toasting a bagel. It caramelizes the natural sugars in the bagel. Hit him with it. Drop some fucking knowledge on T-Bone. Toasting a bagel will lift the bad bagel, but we'll drop a good bagel. Yes. To mediocre. Dude, all right.

So first of all. That just happened. This dude grew up in a neighborhood that was a UN cafeteria at the fucking shows. Dude. UN cafeteria is such a wonderful way to talk about North Norica. It's the way because. Like Kofi Unan's walking around. Someone in full headdress just sitting over a fire pit.

I'm like, this is, that's my neighbor Steve, dude. I refer to him on this stuff and he's right. That's right. That's it. Because if you have a piece of bread that's not that fresh, you toast it. You toast it. You toast it. Like you go to other parts of the world, they call it like toast bread.

They're like, yeah, we don't eat white, but you toast white bread. Sure. Yeah. Like all the Americans eat like proper white bread. Oh dude, the kind of shit that gets. Everywhere else they toast it. That Wonder Bread type shit that gets stuck to the roof of your mouth. Is she eating a sandwich?

You got to toast it. I love that. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, if my sandwich is like flexible in the bag, I get nervous. You don't like it. What are we doing? It's got to stiff.

I need, I need structure. You're a chips on the sandwich guy too. We talk about it. Yeah. I tweeted the one day, we got to normalize the bodega putting chips on your sandwich. He goes, they do it. You bring up the bag of chips and say put these on. He goes, yeah, for sure.

It blew my mind. Holy shit, I never thought about that. It blew my mind. Yo, throw some Doritos on there. Heck, there let's go. 100%. Man. How about this?

I'm going to, I'm talking to a guy now about starting like a YouTube food channel. Just because I have like all these rules of how you're supposed to eat and not. And one of them, he didn't know this, that you could go to a bodega and be like, you go get like whatever you want. So I went with him and I was like, check this out. I went and got Takis. And I gave it to the guy. I was like, yo, can I get a breakfast burrito with Takis?

The guy was like, okay. He opens it up, spills it in the burrito, makes the burrito, puts it in, boom, boom, boom, wraps it up, gives it to me. Gives me a little bag with a little bit of the Takis left. Done. They're the circle ones with all the spices on. They're like rolled up Doritos. Basically.

They have a lime hint to them, don't they? The hyena, the spice. Yeah. They're pretty fucking good. They're great. Do that with eggs. Fantastic. And the melted cheese wraps around it.

Dude, they're fucking great. He does it right. He does it. Dude, I still think about it and I don't know the place. You'll probably be able to pinpoint it. You posted a picture of a chicken farm about seven years ago. Milano's market on the Upper West Side. I said, we go, where the fuck is that?

You go Upper West Side. I think about this fucking thing. Oh yeah. There was a run for a while leading up to the pandemic where you, because you would do the pizza tour and all that stuff, and you had ins with all these amazing pizza places that did Italian specialties as well, which I think I always say is the most underrated food in New York City. It is a good pizza place.

Definitely. They make a fucking great peniel of vodka or fucking chicken france. Most of the time. And you were somewhere and it was like a nine course meal of like Rolandine and this and that. That's L.M.B. Spamone Garden's chef menu. Crazy.

It's a fantastic menu. It's wild. You got to be like there. You're there for a day and you're sleeping for 24 hours after it. They feed you like an Italian grandma would. Stop being an idiot. Eat all of it. It's fucking wild.

And it doesn't stop. It just keeps coming. It took us three hours. We sat there for three hours eating. Not like downtime. Like more. As soon as you thought you were done with like a bowl, they brought a different meal out.

It was freezing. I always have a problem being around you because whenever we'd run into each other at a club, this is the conversation. I don't even need the cameras right. This is what they've been doing. And then by 15 minutes later, I'm fucking starving. The people who live above New York Comedy Club on 4th Street are like these two again. You and I.

Dude, I had a strong bully the other day. To die for. The chick and Rolandine. But he does do it good. He's never, he's never missed. He does. He does not miss. You've never given me a bad recommendation.

And to be honest with you, our friend Mike Feeney, who lives in the same neighborhood as me, he's a foodie too. He's never given me a bad recommendation. Him and I, back in the day when he was still doing the beer distributor shit, he would basically drive around and it was like, he would get paid to eat lunch. He'd be like, oh, I'm talking to them about beer and he would go to great restaurants and shit. He would always hit me up and be like, yo, I just ate this.

You've got to try it. Him and I would trade spots all the time. Food spots. Why were we here? Why were we on the fucking subject? Best slice Manhattan. One slice. Because you said Manhattan.

This is going to be three hours. No. Are they using coal or what do they do? I started this conversation with somebody on stage that runs a light and I still had to run in there to fucking do it. One name. If you had to say Manhattan, I think the best slice of pizza is actually in Brooklyn, but if you had to say Manhattan, Scars.

Scars. Scars on Orchard Beach to Iniesta and Canal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I used to be friends with Scars. We don't get along anymore. It's still an incredible slice. There's no reason you should go anywhere else. Just prepare yourself.

How do you have a beef? Who has beef with a pizza plate? We used to be good friends. The guy's name is Scar. I don't think he's making friends. It just, it was over some dumb shit and it's one of those things where we both agree. It's not that serious and it's never going to be solved. Let's just walk away.

Guy takes his pizza seriously. Nobody else would have that. Can I tell you something? You want to know what the beef was? His ingredients. Yeah, he's like a pizza nerd. Yeah. He was saying something about an ingredient and I disagreed.

It became a whole fucking thing. And I was like, yo, you're starting to cut corners. I don't like it. And became a whole thing. And true to his word. Yeah, true to his word. He went back. He went back.

He's using great ingredients. Wonderful pizza. You probably won't see me hanging out there, but go eat his pizza. Talk to Alexis anymore. He insulted my mozzarella. Did you ever see Pope of Greenwich Village? Yeah. My favorite movie when they're, when they're sitting there talking about the horses.

And he was like, I know, I know cheese. You actually don't. We had a mozzarella stuff. He, what do you say? Like I forget his family's name, whatever the. The Hong Kong mozzarella. He goes, yeah. He goes, the Vitellis have never sold a tough pizza mozzarella in their lives.

It's such a great line. I love that fucking line. He gets his thumb cut off the next scene. Yeah. It's such a great build up that script. I could talk about that script forever. Love that movie. They will always give you some like bullshit town, like local shit.

And then something bad happens, right? Like life changing happens after some like innocuous conversation. See, that's very you. Cause remember in the one scene where they're eating lunch outside, they go to like four different places. I remake that sandwich every year. And they, they go and they get the cheese from here. They get the.

They go to the studio for bread. They go to Joe's Dairy to get the cheese. And then they go to Peano's Meat to get the meat. And then they sit down in a bar to check on the chess table. And he said they should give you a permit to take a shit in the shit at the horses. Man, you got to step your fucking fat guy. This guy is putting you to fucking shame. You ate McDonald's three times this week.

He's fucking going to four different stores to make a sandwich. I'm Leo. I'm real lowbrow. I'm greasing a butcher and you're hanging out in the drive-throw. You're walking through the drive-throw. Extra pickles please. Put a couple of toys in that, in that, in that Happy Meal. That does not look super shite.

I'm real good with that stuff, but I'm on a very garbage level. Like you, you wouldn't do, we're two very different eaters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? We come at it from different angles. I have another true question. Yeah. How have you been handling COVID?

Because the delivery, it's just not the same. It's killing me. My wife is also a very good cook. We've been doing some shit. Yeah, she throws down. I've seen her on Instagram. She's pretty fucking great. She's also one of those people that has that little bit of fucking Jersey,

knuckle-dragging Italian in her. That her families don't like Hoboken, Jersey City shit. Where if I'm like, yo, this meal is amazing. She's like, yeah. Oh, is it? I could fucking make that. And now I get like three versions of it the next week because she's like trying it out. Like she made a tiramisu.

She has a fresh pasta. So she does her own pasta. Yeah, she makes her own pasta, everything. So when I was a kid, I worked at a restaurant. Tiramisu. This is real guinea shit we're talking about. Oh, how do I deal with it? In-house.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We handle it behind closed doors. I go down to the cheese seller. I also live above a restaurant right when COVID started. He's like, you want all these clams? I don't know what to do with clams. I just made a bunch of clams. It was fucking amazing.

I love this. He delivered. He just gave us a big- COVID clams? Half off. Back now. As it gets further away from the date, you just do them different. By the end, you're just frying them.

It was fucking great. But my wife, so when I grew up, I worked at a restaurant and my buddy's dad owned it. It was like a way to get us off the street. And he made, I said to my wife like 10 years ago, he made the best tiramisu I ever had. It was like a trifle. You had to scoop it into a cup. It wasn't like you cut it like this game. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I would talk about this tiramisu. It changed my life. And I don't know where my wife the other day goes, I'm going to make dessert. Don't eat anything sweet. I was like, all right. She brought over a piece of tiramisu. I tried it. It was incredible.

She goes, better than Virgil's dad? She just said it like that. She remembered 10 years later, while this part, the next day I got a phone call, Virgil's dad died. Oh. I was like, I heard you were stepping out on him. Yeah. You know, you know how I answered because it wasn't better.

I was like, it's different. You know, it's different. It's just a different tiramisu, but it was so fucking good. I'm like, this is my life. I get to fucking joke around about soccer and talk about fucking pizza. And at some point, my wife was like, this tiramisu better because if not, I'll make another one. We'll run it back.

Yeah. You think I won't remix this shit? That's funny. Yo, I met this guy 40 minutes ago. He's my new favorite guy. T-Bone. Buddy, we're going to North. Get your headdress.

Take your money out of your wallet. Put it in your pocket. Take it right in the bedroom. Put your keys in your asshole. All right. We got to get some regular questions. However, before we do that, I just want to finish up the tale that kind of gets us up to date.

Did you go to college or anything like that? Yeah. Yeah. I got accepted into NYU for filmmaking. It did. Yeah. My mom was like, I got accepted to Tish for filmmaking. Or is it Tish?

Whatever there. Yeah, Tish. And then I got accepted to Stern for general under the general studies program. What'd you get on your SAT? That's pretty good, man. I think like 1250. Dang. That's not bad.

Did you end up going to NYU? No. They wouldn't give you any money. And I was like, what the fuck is wrong with you? I got accepted here twice. I can't get it. You know, double it up. My mom was like, you're going to go to school to make movies?

I was like, well, yeah, I want to be a film director. I had a class in high school in like a shitty little high school, but they gave us like a filmmaking class because the guy used to work in Hollywood and he was like, yo, you're doing good. You should do this. And I loved it. I loved making this movie. I just like, all right, I'm going to go to school filmmaking.

And my mom's like, look, she sat me down. She's like, do whatever you want. Look, you stop fucking up. Your life is straight now. You know what you're doing. Don't do something that's going to make you still live in Newark. You want to get the fuck out of here. She's like, go work in business and then be the movie producer, not the director that

can't find a good apartment. A chestnut checkers, baby. Yeah. And I'm like, all right. And then exit. That was probably a great speech, though. And I wanted to be a comedian. Like when I was a kid and someone said, like, what do you want to be when you grow up?

I'd always say comedian. Like one point I said, calm. And my mother covered my mouth and she goes, pewter science. Like she knew. Yeah. Like this kid's got to fucking. Yeah. And that's a true story.

I don't tell that on stage. That's like a true story. Like I knew I was going to disappoint her. But she was like, look, go to school for business. And the only school that had business and was willing to give me money was St. Peters in Jersey City. OK. I thought it was in Russia.

No. So fucking the killer peacocks, killer cocks, running cocks. Let's go. Where is that? In Jersey City. Yeah. They're asking about what they suck every year. They're always good at the NIT.

Yeah. Did you go and stay there? No. I lived in Newark. OK. So but my wife also got accepted to NYU. Couldn't afford it. Went to St. Peters and that's where we met.

Ah. Yeah. There we go. I'm actually guys eating a long piece of spaghetti. And at the end we're like, that wasn't cooked right. You both have notes on it? Did you think that was up then? Yeah.

I don't think so. Do you guys know the restaurant? They use canned tomatoes. We can't come here. You know the restaurant, Lilia? Mm-hmm. It's like a famous restaurant in Brooklyn. They make their own pasta.

It's like really super high end. Like actors and shit will hang out there. The lady breaks up with the partner and she opens up a place called Missy, right? So I go to Missy with another chef friend and they're like bringing everything out. It was like one of those meals where you don't pay a dime. Love those. I've only had a couple but they're fan past. Dude, they're the greatest time.

Go eat with chefs. Everyone. Befriend a fucking chef. So they're bringing out all these plates and wine and the whole nine. And at the end of the night, we get up. Missy comes over and everyone's like, you know, because she's here. And they're like, that was, you know, thank you so much. Everyone's like, thank you, thank you, thank you.

And she's like, oh, what'd you guys think? And they're all breaking down the meals like the same way I would. And she comes to me. She's like, what'd you think? And I was like, do you use Laval tomato? And she's like, yeah. And I go, you're better than that. That's all I said.

What a cunt. I like it. Dude. The lady looked at me. Little pedestrian. She goes, the lady said, Missy said to the other guy, she's like, is he with you? And he's like, yeah, I'm sorry. Yeah.

And they're like, you know, one of them is the guy who invented Mike's side honey. She, he's like, this is my client. You gotta fucking. And I was like, come on, you're better than that. I mean, you charging us that much money. Like you're better than that for Laval. And I was like, I could get you better tomatoes if you need. I know a guy.

Yeah. That's what I mean. And she was like not having it. So that was like two, three years ago. I just talked to them that way. It's like Tony asking Arthur, who does his dry cleaning? Who does your dry cleaning? Yeah.

This guy doesn't use Yelp because he says it to your face. Yeah. I love the meal. He likes to feel the knife going. I'm more Krav Maga. I would like to give you one star. One star. Dude, I saw her this weekend and a buddy of mine knows her really well.

And I'm walking with them and like, oh, are you selling your home? Like they're having like rich people conversations. And she was like, hi, I'm Missy. I was like, Hey, what's up? I'm Alexis. And through the mask, she's like, did you ever eat at Missy? And I was like, yeah, she goes, I changed my tomatoes. Yeah.

I was like, because that could have gone real bad. That was this weekend. And you're a prick. And you're an asshole. Yeah. She goes, I want to come see you perform. I know she's going to hack. Oh, man.

Yeah. She's going to fucking be waiting for you. She'll be waiting for you. Throwing tomatoes at you. All right. Let's get into some, are you garbage questions? Yeah. Let's go.

Okay. I am so excited for this. I've been waiting for this for a while. I got a couple, two, three food ones that I just want to, we can hit real quick. Sure. We got to throw some curveballs. Yeah. Yeah.

We got to throw out a Hormel pre-sliced pepperoni. You guys did your fucking research. If it's cup and char, I'm okay with it, but they use, I mean, most, most pepperoni makers use picnic, which is like little pieces of, it's like emulsified pig, pig parts that like no one uses. Who are you? But they use, they use a cellulose on the edge, which is what, why the pepperoni comes in jars.

It, it, it shrinks when it heats up. There's a place called Etso. It's a farm out of Cleveland. It's a manufacturer out of Cleveland. They use. We're trash from the suburbs. They use better Cleveland. Hormel and Dinty Moore.

Hormel and Dinty Moore. I was, first of all, he's talking about pizza. I was just talking about eating them. Yeah. We're talking, we're talking about Hormel. Oh, I didn't know you meant football. Max. I'm talking about what a pizza cheddar.

Yeah. Talk about roll-ups, maybe. Talking keto. Because you like the fucking, the pizza, you like real pepperoni. Yeah. That curls up. That curls up. All right.

So there's a place called Bielsa in on, like, not far from you, actually, they charge $15 a pound for theirs. It's regular pepperoni. It's like salami almost. Shit's so fucking, they make it in-house. It's so fucking good. Love a good piece of cured meat. Buddy, cured meat.

It doesn't matter. I love when my arteries harden. It just feels like home, you know? Love it. So what are your thoughts on the Hormel pepperoni? It's fine. It's fine. That's it.

If you charge me more than $2.75 for a slice of Hormel on it, we're having a problem. And it's going to be out loud. Okay. How do you save an avocado? So you say you have a half of an avocado in the morning? Uh-huh. How do you store the second half? Me?

Yeah, you. Like you're at home alone. Squeeze a lemon, put it in a Ziploc bag. Is that happening, though? Yeah, so 100%. It's pretty good. When are you not using the whole avocado? Because if I'm saving the other half for my wife.

Yeah. Or he's also not an animal. Because then it browns, and even though it's still good, you just want to eat it. It just doesn't look. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, when you open them up and they're all black inside, and my girlfriend tries to make me still eat it, uh-uh. No.

My wife will do it. It tastes like metal. I'm like, they're a dollar. We'll go buy a hundred. Yeah. I got the Patreon. But it will load up the Kia. I'm not.

I work too hard to eat bad fucking avocados off the jump. For some reason, avocados in New York, that's the one thing that really has a season. There's a while where they're- There's like a two-week period where you got to get them. And then you catch them in the winter, they look like lines. You're like, that is fucking green. They come out. You go to check if they're good, and it's like-

Yeah. You're like, oh. Yeah. Do you ever get to- because I live in the Heights, so there was like a shortage. Oh, it was when there was a drought in Mexico. I think it was maybe last summer or something. Yeah. There was something in Mexico.

And the fucking cartels took over the- Yeah. Yeah. And so there was a proper shortage. And I like- Kippy likes his Avi, you know what I mean? So I'm fucking looking for him. And you're going to like bodegas, and like here, like you go someplace and they got a couple. Do you ever- I think it's the Florida ones.

The big green ones? Yeah. Yeah. The massive Hass avocados. No. The Hass or the small ones. Yeah. No.

These are like the size of a volleyball. Full GMO joint. Yeah. I'm like, what? I'm like, you have avocados? He's like, yeah, here. He's like, boom. I'm like, where are these?

The Avengers are making avocados. Yeah. They're like the Brontosaurus ribs or whatever. Yeah. They're literally- they're like the size of your head. And I'm like, dude. If you ever go to Puerto Rico, like my uncle brings them back, they're this big. They look like- they look like a weird bird skull, you know what I mean?

They're like super long. I've never seen them. Yeah. They're crazy. They're odd-looking. Okay. Avocado. That's the classiest way to save an avo.

Yeah. Oh, you know what? Just eat the whole fucking thing. Who are you kidding? And when was the last time you had Yuhu? Oh, God. I loved Yuhu. Because if it's been in the past couple of years, you're trash.

Oh, no. Probably less than a year ago, actually. 100%. Really? Less than a month ago. I'm like, I fucking jerk off from America. Yeah. I love a Yuhu.

Yuhu is great. I actually tried something called M&M milk. It's Yuhu with peanut flavoring in it. Where'd you get that? There's a- Do you buy it? Like pre-made? Like in the bodega?

There's bodega sells like weird shit from like Europe and stuff. Like random shit they find. Like how'd you get it? They get it because it's all like defected or something. It's past the expiration date. 100%. Dude, peanut flavoring is basically like moldy box you find in your grandmother's attic. It is disgusting.

Yeah. It made me sick for like two days. How would you rate, you know, your knees coast guy, what would be your- give me your top three or four chocolate milks? One, what are you doing? Was that in the house when you were a kid? No. Chocolate milk was school.

Chocolate milk was school. So like, remember like they would bring out the trays of milk and everyone would get chocolate first and then you'd get stuck with fucking whole milk. Rosenberg's was our brand. That was like the local. We had Clinton. Clinton. I didn't sound good.

No. Clinton also made an iced tea in the same place that distributed the milk. And we would take the top and crunch it and we would use that to kick around with stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The kids with it, like the little kids, it was fucking great. It still tasted like medicine. It was horrific, but everyone drank like four of them because nobody else wanted them. But the chocolate milk was Clinton.

And then if you go to the store now, the chocolate milk I drink now is that Ron Berry Farms or whatever with the little, comes in a glass bottle. I know what you're talking about. Yeah, that's classy shit. Oh dude, is that Ron? There was no Hershey's? Nah, we never did Hershey's. What about Nesquik?

Were you a Nesquik guy? Nesquik powder in the vanilla milk. And if you're good, you get the little, the powder chunks that stick together, you could chew. They kind of flowed. Nesquik was fucking bottom of the barrel. But anything powder. You want to hear Pure Trash? My mom wouldn't get cocoa pebbles, so we put chocolate milk in the regular pebbles.

The regular pebbles in the, in cocoa, not cocoa pebbles, whatever. Fruity pebbles in a Nesquik chocolate milk. Holy shit. Yeah, trash. Wow. Fruity pebbles in chocolate milk? Basura. That's disgusting, but that's gross.

Email me the recipe, please. Yeah, that's gross, but I'll have to investigate further. Dude, you know what I did? The first time we got media passes to MLS Cup, it was in Toronto in February. It was like freezing. And they brought us all into the media hub. And we're not real media. We're not asking real questions.

And they had like coffee, hot chocolate, and like those little boxes of cereal. And I was just so cold and so hungry. I took a box of cereal and I go to get the chocolate milk or like those, whatever. And there was none. There was like hot cocoa. There was none. So I was like, what, they just had the powder. They were like, we're out of the water.

So I was like, and I had already poured it over the cereal. So I just poured coffee into the thing and I made like a mocha coffee with cereal in it. And I'm eating it because I just needed something that was hot and food at the same time. Maybe we're not that far apart. And one of the other reporters is like, you know, and he looks up and he's like, is there coffee in there? I go, yeah, and hot chocolate. And I'm eating cereal. And I just realized this is why no one talked to us for the rest of that trip.

That's on the front. You're in there eating. That's the lead story. There's Paul from Newark arrives in Toronto. I'm like sucking down ketchup packets in his mind. It makes it makes milk out of creamer. If you're the biggest dork at the American soccer event. Oops, I fucked up.

Did you have a car when you were in high school or anything like that? Did you ever have a whip? No, but college I did. I had a 1992 Mitsubishi D'Amani with the radio buttons on the steering wheel. And you could, I thought it was a. What's a Mitsubishi D'Amani? It's all the your fucking trash. All the original fucking brute.

Not Bruce Lee. Who's the guy that from like rush hour and all that Jackie Chan. Yeah. All the old school Japanese Jackie Chan movies, which we would like watch all the books. Oh, that thing stunk dude. Those were like lawyer's cars in those movies in Japan. So I thought I was King shit. Dude, Mitsubishi.

Sounds like a Japanese Italian guy. Unless it's a zero. Mitsubishi's D'Amante. That's the eclipse. Owns a fusion restaurant. There was those. Look at the interior and look at the steering wheel. It had radio buttons on the steering wheel.

It's like a bad Galan. It's like a pre-made. It's above the Galan. I don't know. 100%. That's their Avalon. You know what I'm talking about? They're Avalon.

It's not their Camry. The Galan is the Camry. This is their Avalon. This is like Uber drivers. If this car was still around, this is what the fancy ones would drive this. This would be an Uber Black. Dude, those things. Right?

Okay. It's pure trash. The thing used to spit out oil that smelled like onions. It was disgusting. Did you ever put anything, any aftermarket items on this car? Any hubcaps, any 6x9s, any sub-bulter. My question is, did you ever put the fake bullet holes on the car? My stepdad had those.

Are you kidding me? I put those on my mom's minivan. She had it. My car got stolen. I ended up getting a WRX after this car and it was a fast car. It was a nice one. I had money at that time and it got stolen three times. Every time bullet holes were coming out of the trunk.

I was like, I don't want this car back. Something bad happened in it. I don't want it back. My mom gave me her old minivan. It was a 1992 Plymouth Voyager. The grill said Dodge, the radio said Chrysler, and the trunk said Plymouth. It was the fucking best. And the lease said repo.

Dude, that's a real American car right there. You could take the key out of the ignition while driving. I would toss it to my friends in the back. At one point, my wife, who was my girlfriend at the time, gets in and she's like, what? This is disgusting. And my buddy was like, yo, switch with me. Sit with my girl in the back. So my buddy's in the front seat.

His girl's in the back with my wife. And they're having this conversation. They're like, this car is horrible. And at one point they move the carpet and she's like, I could see the highway. There was like a big rust hole in it. I put bullet hole stickers all over that fucking thing. To answer your original question, the DM Monty may or may not have kicked her sub-lifts in the trunk. Yeah.

Dude, getting subs in the trunk in high school was big. This was college. But here in the trunk rattle. So my buddy had, he had a cougar, like a 2002 cougar. Buddy. Like the real shitty ones that had like a weird hatchback. It was like European looking. Yeah.

They tried to make it like fancy. It was a real piece of shit. It was a Ford Puma in Europe. But he put a fucking, he put like. Those European cars. You ever see a Russian car? Oh yeah. Yeah.

The whole front opens up. The wheels on the roof. Yeah. This looks like two Volvo fronts welded together to the whole car. Yeah. They got real geometric with those things. You're like, no one designed a back? This thing's got two hoods.

It's got two hoods. It's got four steering wheels. Yeah. We made the two fronts. Yeah. How many radiators does the thing have? Where's the gas go? We didn't design.

But my buddy had a fucking like a $4,000 system in a fucking $2,000 car. And the subs, they were like the JBLs. I mean, he dropped every dime he had into it. And every accessory, dude, every mirror shook off. The visors shook off. Dude, you're just being there like. What is a good song? You have to listen to everything on nine?

Yeah. Dude, stop it. Yeah. Trash. Dude, I told you I'm basura. Yeah. That's tough. Have you ever had your picture taken on an extra large piece of furniture such as a couch or a chair?

Yes. Oh man. Yes. Dude, for my 15th birthday, my mom thought it would be a good idea to get the photo that guy had in his house, basically. It's me on like a big, stupid fucking Latin chair. The kind that we had to take the plastic off of for the photo because we used to put plastic on our furniture. Because we had two living rooms.

We had the nice one that no one sat in. We call the living room and the family room. Family room was the knock around room living room. You get caught in the living room. Yeah. My whole family stood there when I first started dating my wife and watched her sit down and they were like, huh? And she's like, are you going to join?

And we're like, we're not allowed. You're all just standing outside the room. Only unless we're opening Christmas gifts. That's the only time we're allowed to sit in that room. That's fantastic. Yeah. Dude, of course. Your parents are always trying to flex on somebody when you're sitting in there.

People would come over to my mom and be like, sitting in there reading a book. I'm like, what the fuck? You're staying in this room. We're fucking sitting here. She's reading the paper upside down. Let me ask the second part, the Kipi's question. Has that photo or a family photo ever made it onto a t-shirt that you all had? No.

All right. So we didn't do like, we had a small family because of the people that were here. We never did like the cookouts or like the family reunion. No. No. But I did trash, but I was always so jealous. I did want that photo to be used if I was ever like murdered or something as like the RIP shirt, like the airbrush shirt.

We all had- That's a kid from Newark planning his fucking airbrush t-shirt. We all had it. We all had it, dude. If I catch a stray. This is what I want on the decal for the back window. God forbid. God forbid I catch a stray.

Everyone's God forbid. That's great. Have you ever had your birthday at a Hibachi restaurant? No. No. Not at a Hibachi. That got hot one time when I was in like college or something. That was the thing to do.

Hibachi. I went there one time like this. I'm eating with these other fucking losers. The fuck out of here. Your birthday person has to catch the shrimp. Yeah. You know, what are we doing? Are you talking to community tables?

Yeah. There's not a fucking chance in hell. They tried to pull that on me down in Chinatown one time. First of all, you're trash if you don't have enough friends to fill that table up. Yeah. That's a big table. Nah, it's just the two of us. But there's a place down in Chinatown that's really good.

It's not Wohop. It's the one up the street. Is that at the Wohop? They have the family style tables. We didn't realize that walking in, it was just me and my girl. And we were like, it was like a bunch of fucking businessmen from Belgium. I'm like, I'm not eating with these fucking dirt balls. Also, if you do that, all the Europeans look at you like, oh, fat American.

Let's see what he's going to eat. You're like a fucking monkey behind a fence. Your wife's feeding you. Throw a niche shrimp. They're paying for the meal. No, no, no, bring more. More low-main. We want to see this guy.

Yeah, I'm not a family to the community tables. We know. Growing up, did you have a banana hook? Like in your kitchen where you would hang bananas off the hook? Because if you did, that's top-notch class. Shit. All right. A banana hook.

The answer is yes and no. I never even heard of that. We had one? You hang the bananas on a hook. The banana hangs on a bushel. Yeah, it's like a paper towel holder kind of. We have one in our fruit bowl at home. It's still zip-tied to the bottom of the bowl.

That's real trash. I don't even know what your skin picture is. Pull it up, because you know exactly what it is. The second you're going to go, oh, fuck. You're talking about a coat rack? The guy who... A coat rack. The hang bananas on?

I don't know what you mean. Are you talking about a basket that hangs on the hook? No, it's like a little hook that comes up like that. It sits on the counter. Yeah. Oh, I do know what you're talking about. Yeah, like that, where you hang your bananas. We hung plantains off of it.

Of course you did. So that's why yes and no. We had one, but it was for platanos. Do you... All right. So I live in the Heights, big Dominican food guy. Massive. Fucking a lot.

Best chicken in the world. I fucking love it. Are people eating plantains just... You cooked them, right? Or are people eating them raw? No, you can't eat them raw. Yeah, you got it. You got it.

You got it. Yeah. But there's like... If you're going to make... If you're going to start shitting on plantains... No, if you're going to make... A little fucking mouthful and go, good night. Oh, my God.

I like the sweet ones a little bit of cheese on top, and they're all caramelized. Oh, buddy. Yeah, let's do it. That's Colombian. That's funny. Let's go. I'll eat plantains all day.

You have to wait until... You have to get them pre-pre-pre-ripe. And then if you're going to make the sweet ones, they've got to get ripe a little bit. So you hang it on that to wait. And when you start seeing the black marks, that's when you're going to make the fucking sweet. Maduro.

A thing of fucking tostones. Good fucking night. I heard about it last night. One time I ordered my goat to order when we go, is a thing of mafongo and then tostones on the side. I eat like 19 plantains. Yeah. That lady is like,

this guy has got enough vitamin C to kill a horse. Is she saying it right or is it mafongo? It is mafongo, but I'm going to let it go. What do I say mafongo? You say mafongo. Oh, sorry. It's mafongo. Hello.

We would like two mafungi please. No, my Dominican friend orders. Mafongo is Puerto Rican, mangu is Dominican, but you can say mafongo. It's the same shit. I don't know. They all say mafongo, though.

Yeah. You can say either horse. It's also, they're in New York. This guy's going to get us killed. But yo, there's a restaurant in Chicago that makes the little totonne and they make sandwiches out of them. Himarito.

Yeah. Himarito. There you go. By the way, they charge like four or five dollars for these things. We used to make that growing. We would take the food my grandmother cooked the night before. I'm like, damn, they made a whole restaurant.

What else did I make? I could make fucking money. Yo, I was literally about to ask you if you ever had a Hebrudo. They're great. Fire. Yeah. So good.

I love Chicago food. Okay. Burgers aren't that great there. Everyone's flipping out. How about this? You go out to dinner. You have a bottle of wine? Of course.

You taking the bottle of wine home with you if you don't finish it? I'm basura. I'm not pure garbage. You kidding me? Man, as you chug it at least. Yeah. Gentlemen.

Also, who doesn't finish? I did it on Sunday. Oh, my God. Can you remember the cork that? I was like, yes, I do. Throw some rolls in there too. Isn't it technically- You got a solo cup I can take for the walk?

It's not illegal anymore. It used to be. It used to be. They have to put it in an evidence bag and seal it. Oh, my God. Like booty free? I see your boarding pass there. You want a free upgrade to the police car?

Have you ever been ghost hunting? No. Okay, just checking. You seem like a straight shooter. I'm just checking. Everything else is kind of Latin? And then that question? I don't know.

Did you- I'm sure my aunts were all Santaria bullshit. So technically, I may have been like, you know, fucking- What's that called? I was going to say circumcised. That's definitely not. I'm not that. But what's the-

You're not cut? You're not cut? I'm cut. Cuban. Wow. Latinos. Yeah. Hoodie all day.

What's the thing with this girl in the fold? The girl spits this pea soup and she's like- Exorcist. Yeah, exorcist. I'm sure I have one of those on me. Yeah. My Dominican boy, his dad's into like, what is it? You know, all like, what is it?

Santaria, yeah. And he's like, I gotta go for a run. My dad needs a sweaty shirt of mine to boil. Oh, my God. Great, dude. Sounds fucking- Keep that shit away from me. They wear the beads.

That's how you know. Yeah. I believe that. I don't fuck with the- I don't fuck with black magic, dude. I keep it moving. Yeah. It's either Jesus or nada for me.

My buddy's growing up where Haitian and the one grandma was like, you're Cuban. So you probably know Santaria. And I was like, Santaria's bullshit. And I said it like that. And the whole family was just like- Yeah. They thought I was going to get striked down. Your fucking bulls.

I mean, I've always been this guy. I've always been this guy. As soon as I learned English, I'm like, I'm going to be a prick. It's like, I'm good now. Do you enjoy any of the following smells? Fresh asphalt. Yeah. In the summertime.

Who doesn't like that? Buddy, they just knew- No more potholes? Let's go. Gasoline. Yeah. Horses. No.

Really? Yeah. You like that? I like the smell of horses. I only- The first horse I saw that didn't have a cop on it was like- I was like 28. Oh, this shit, this one don't have a driver.

What, is there a riot? So this horse better find his driver. You don't have to track. Who'd they chase him? Dude, Jersey has the saddle racing? Yeah. Yeah. You never bet on the fucking chat guy.

Fucking zoom in. Never put money on a fucking chariot. Screw you. The races are too long. Have you been to the Trotters? Yeah, of course. Dude, I grew up in North Jersey. $2 a bet.

It's the fucking cheapest, best. And someone's like, I got a tip and you're like, I'll listen to it. I end up betting on like the Clydesdales. I never know. I always look at those guys, the Trotters, and I always said, that's not their real job. This is a part-time thing. Jockey, that's a full-time job.

There's no way these guys are- Yeah, Trotters are like smoking burnies and shit on them. Yeah. They're a handsome cab on speed. Get me a beer next time. We're doing pit stops. He's grabbing it like runners grab the Gatorade. Dude, I fucking went to the Aqueduct, that casino in New York,

in the middle of the hood. It's the worst. Every casino's in the middle of the hood. That's a good point, actually. Dude, they fucking, they have the- Some guys like, come on, come on. I look up at the screen. It's a chariot race from fucking Costa Rica.

This guy hasn't seen his kids in years. Dude, we did that all through fucking high school. We started going at like 15, 16. Oh, we did? Yeah. Well, they had the Philadelphia Race Track, which would do live races on the weekend we would do. And then during the week, we would go and just bet on the TVs.

Like Aqueduct at fucking Belmont, like wherever they were running races. Wow. It was the best line. He was like, this old guy's standing up, and he's got the fucking paper. And he's like, he's coming. He was like, betting on the nine-horse.

He's like, he's coming. He's coming. He's coming. This old fucking Kermudge next to him. He's coming in his pants is where he's coming. I was like, damn, that's a fucking- This is like a Wednesday at one. Yeah.

Yeah, Wednesday at one, and I'm 17. That's true. Dude, those are the guys who- Yeah, I'm trash. What do you want? It's my show. They'd have the newspaper with the writing and the edges? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I'd always be like reading it to see what they say. They'd bet on the cool names. Yeah. They'd be like, oh, this one's name here comes Sunshine. Like, yeah, let's do that. At one point- Shot to Gimme Shelter was the first fucking-

the first horse I ever won money on. First thing never worked out in my life. Yeah. And the legs. Right before she walked out on me. Dude, you could have had a Kia back then. You know? All right.

What do you got? Sorry. Go, go, go. TV growing up. Do you have picture in picture? No, we didn't even have a table. That was immediately the other night. You fucking thief.

We didn't even have a table. This guy's stealing my Are You Garbage question. Do you? We didn't even have cable. We stole cable. Wow. We didn't even have cable. Yeah, for a long time.

My friends would make references to, like, you know, fucking shows. The Simpsons or something, yeah. No, Simpsons was Fox. The National News. You're like, what? No, they would talk about, like, Nickelodeon shit when I was growing up. I'm like, what the fuck? Like, can't salute your shorts and shit like that?

Yeah, you have to salute your shorts. Dude, I used to fucking panic about, like, I can't see these shows. I don't get the references. And I was like, I was always trying to be funny. And I'm like, if I don't know the references, I gotta fucking- Yeah, you can't rip. Yeah, but did you see the weather report for this week? Yeah.

You wanna talk about horses? You wanna talk about horses? Did you catch a Six o'clock news last night? Give me your fucking money. I'm doing it to him. All right, I got a couple from Patreon. As you guys know, when you join the Patreon, we will ask your garbage questions.

Yes, we will. We have a bit of a backlog, but we're getting to all of them. Thank you for being patient. Y'all are the fucking shit. Salute your Patreon, by the way. Yeah, thank you. Shout out to you guys. Thank you.

They love them. They're fantastic. They're supporting a wonderful fucking show and two great guys. Thank you, buddy. Thank you. I purposely said too. I meant you and Kippy. We know the kid tells it as to how it is.

You get a haircut. You lose weight. You hit Rogaine. Are you using Jod Rogaine? I knew it. He insulted a top restaurateur in New York City. I think he's gonna come after us. Hey, he calls it like he sees it.

He's called Mario Battaglia hack. He's gonna hit us with a stinger. Said Bourdain was overrated. Well, sir, we're like, well, all right, let's go. This one's just a fucking home run of a question. This is from Tony P. Have you ever owned your own bowling shoes? No. Yeah, because if you are, you're trash.

What the fuck? I never got in a bowling thing, guys. Yeah, never. I stole a pair, I think. There was a time in high school where I thought I was gonna make that a look. And I think I might have worn bowling shoes for like a couple days in high school. I think everybody, a lot of dudes tried to be like, oh, these are cool. It was always someone who stole them from a bowling.

Yeah. These are ironically cool. They kind of look cool. They kind of don't. I had my own pool stick. That's fresh. You want to hear worse? What was the name of it?

My buddy got his own karaoke mic. We had a karaoke machine. No, no, no. He bought a mic to bring to their karaoke bar. It was gold and silver on top. Could he sing well? Kind of. Not gold mic worthy.

No, this guy should not have had his own mic. It wasn't Wayne Newton. But he had the bar. He's like, you know what I mean? He's like, brings his own mic. And you know he did it long, too, like people saw. Like, oh, fucking Johnny's breaking out the mic. 100%.

And if the other mic had nowhere to go, he's like, does somebody want the regular mic? I brought my own. I got mine. Who wants it? I'm not you. We had dance moves. It was embarrassing. Carioke is trash.

We would go just to laugh at him. It was great. But back to the pool cue. Yeah. Yeah. So you have a name for it? No, I never gave it a name. But I purposely picked one that was like, had like some Latin like design.

It had like the Mexican carpet kind of designs on it. Yeah. So they were like, it would like, you know, find me. Your personality. Yeah. And so my buddies all, we all played pool growing up. Like all of us would hang out like a, like strip joins during the day when they weren't strip joins.

And we'd always play pool. Like I knew the code of like where to put quarters and shit. Like I had the whole thing down. I rolled the stick before to see if it's even like the whole night. I'll do that. It's like, it's also like the confidence I have after making one ball on a table, dude. The way I walk, if I have to turn the corner. Oh my God.

You become Paul Newman. I flip my jacket. I'm going. You hope someone opens the door so the wind catches your jacket. I'm throwing the fucking powder up like fucking LeBron. Dude, I had my own fucking technique for the whole night. So I just got the pool stick. I would bring it.

Dude, I was such a fucking nerd. By the way, just for the record, a strip club that's not a strip club during the day. Garbage. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Shout out to the insurance office in the afternoon. Taste tastics. All right. A couple more here. This is this is from turns. These are all history. I hate it. People turns out power, but power, plug RIP.

History. Yeah, I know man. Love you to a great one. Fantastic. Turns out plug power is in blood, but put whatever you can know who you are. Is it garbage to have a black toilet? Yes. Do you ever see those?

No. I feel like I'm in a swingers house anytime I've seen one. Italian people always. It's always Italian. Black lacquer. Black toilet with a gold seat. Oh my God. That's that's real.

Never. That's a peek. Any shit. That is like the epitome. They like their marble. Those those Italian. That's like my my step. My stepfather owns a construction company.

Yeah. Like that's what that is. Like he gets the good deal on. There's nobody else fucking wants it. Everything in your house. It was like sitting. It was like their suppliers. Got this laying around if you wanted to take it.

Black tiles. Like gold. Like whatever. That I've seen. Yeah. It's true. When there's too much tile in a house, it really sticks out. Yeah.

Yeah. It's like a meat locker. You're like turn the fucking heat up. Something to hold up. Something to hold a temp. The dog refuses to walk because it's too slippery. What are we in the Parthenon? If you have a black toilet, you 100% call it a commode.

Oh yeah. Gonna hit the commode. Call it a can. If you had a black toilet before cell phones, you also had a phone hooked up in the bathroom. Oh yeah. You had to. That used to blow my mind. I had a couple of friends who had that.

Buddy, I was in the first time I was ever in a hotel that had a separate room for the toilet in the bathroom. It had a phone in there and I saw it and I fucking yelled out the D. I'm like D, call the other because of the extension. I'm like call the extension and I fucking, I used my elbow to kick it off and I grabbed it. I was like I might as well be in a yacht. Yeah.

Sure. Get me somebody. Anybody. Yeah. Tell Johnson to get his ass in here. Get the New York Times on a phone. Yeah. I said sell.

Just sell that. That's great. I had a StarTech. That made me feel like a doctor. Same feeling. What's a StarTech? Remember the old clamshell ones that would go on your waist? Oh yeah.

StarTech. Look it up. It's brown. It had the battery. It looked like a fucking, it was the best. Wait. Was it a cell phone? Yeah.

Jay-Z had one and I had one. I stopped the list there. Yeah. Other bunch of losers. Our first cell phone was the big one. It looked like a walkie-talkie. My dad had one. My dad had the car phone.

It was like. Was that the briefcase with the string attached? It was mounted. It was mounted in the thing. But you could move it, buddy. But it was like velcroed in it. Yeah. Like you could put it in the car.

The Amante had the car phone in it. I bet it did. Yeah. It wasn't hooked up though. You know how hard I tried to find someone to hook it up because they just wouldn't do it anymore? Yeah. Buddy, you know how dope that would have been?

I wouldn't fucking, I'm putting one in the key. In 2005, to pick up a phone with the fucking curly string. Oh, buddy. You were flexing. You would have been calling it an airstrike. Mogadishu. Yeah. Yeah.

I need a yacht in the Mediterranean. All right. Let's do one more while we're on the why we're on the fucking topic of cars. This is from Paige Johnson out there on a Patreon. Have you ever had a stuffed animal in your car? Yeah. Because we won it out of fare. But you left it in the car.

Was it in the back looking at the back window? You're fucking trash. Man, that's it. Pull the T-bone. Got it. It's just Pikachu staring at all the other cars coming in. It's always like a turtle. Yeah.

It's like, what are we doing? Any time I would see a Garfield, I wanted to drive them off the road. That was fucking brutal. You know what else is real shitty? It was like the banana with the Jamaican hat. That was a tough look or like the little Chuck Taylor's or the little Jordan's hanging over the mirror. Oh my God.

Boxing gloves with the Puerto Rico flag or the Cuban flag? I had that. I had the Cuban flag. Holy shit. Oh, what a hot one, baby. Yeah. I'm going to say, I don't have the numbers in front of me. I had a Cuban flag made out of beads hanging from my rear-view mirror.

Out of beads? Yeah. In fact, you'd wear beads with the, you would make them, make the flag out of beads. I'm just going to go ahead and close. Let me compute some numbers here. Let's see. Gary is six there. Divide that by two.

What does that come out to? Trash. Garbage. 100% Newark Garbage. I refuse to accept that I'm trash or garbage. I am basura. Yeah. Maybe a Newark, but a Manhattan.

You're trash. I got the fucking Vespa outside. You're trash. Do you validate parking in Antonis? You made it. You may know your way around a fucking slice of za, buddy, but you are garbagio. Shit. Diamante Guerreros over here.

Buddy. The bits of pieces of the diamond. That was great. Alexis Guerreros, ladies and gentlemen. Absolutely fantastic. Anything you want the folks out there? You got coming up? Yeah.

Plug it away. Social media. Whatever. Follow me at notalexis on Instagram and on Twitter. And you can follow at Soccer Cooligans, S-O-C-C-E-R-C-O-O-L-I-G-A-N-S. It's a podcast. It's a television show on Fubo. If you don't have Fubo, go to Fubosportsnetwork.com.

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And yeah, just listen to our show, give us five stars, whatever. All that stuff. Buy our merch. We got cool hats and shit. Fantastic podcast. Yeah. Great. If you're like soccer, we're the ones for you.

100%. 100%. Let's see what he got for him. Guys, as always, please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes on the top 200. We appreciate that. Love it. The fucking Patreon. Check that out.

That's fucking good. The YouTube numbers are true to fucking rude. We'll be at Zany's, Nashville, and Raleigh Good Nights at the end of April 20th and 21st. Get those fucking tickets. Get the tickets. You can tell I got a little hair up my ass about this. I want to see some fucking numbers moving in Nashville.

And then I'm at Kevin Ryan Comedy on all social media, go check it out. At age Foley and Ice on Twitter and Foley Grams on Instagram. T-Bone, you got anything? Yeah. Everybody go follow the podcast. Oh, yeah. Yeah. We got some big fish circling.

Make us look better. The social media. Don't reflect the listeners. Yep. Yeah. Told me you said a heart attack. We love you guys. Goodbye.

I'm not big fish enough. You got to leave that in. That was perfect. Oh, wait a second. Where the fuck are you going? Sit right back down. Don't touch that dial. And here, one more word about our good friends over there on the Stereo app.

Doesn't matter whether you have an iPhone or an Android, you can sign up for free. Yeah, guys. Come join the after party. I have a couple of beers. I sit, you know. I got a netty in me. It's a little unfiltered, you know what I mean? It's fun.

It's a good time. Me and the big man chopping it up, answering your questions once a week, typically Thursdays. Use the link in the description, www.stereo.com slash Kevin Ryan or slash age Foley if you're a fan of the big man. We get to let our beaks a little bit. It's a good time. Perfect way for you to interact with us. We've gotten some home run of questions on there, too.

Fantastic. And a lot of great shows on the app as well that are on ours. Yeah, a lot of good comedians if you're a fan of Comedy Podcast are on there, so check it out. That's stereo.com slash Kevin Ryan slash age Foley. Peace. Peace.