Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - America's Sweetheart w/ Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: January 27, 2025

Are You Garbage is back with America's Sweetheart, Ari Shaffir! We're talkin' cheating at the poker table, drinkin' beers and answering your garbage questions! You Know Ari Shaffir from Stand Up Comedy, Protect Our Parks, the Joe Rogan Experience, You Be Trippin, This is Not Happening, Kill Tony, 2 Bears 1 Cave, Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast, The Tucker Carlson Show and so much more! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! AYG 2025 Tour Tickets: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Truewerk: Get 15 percent off your first order at https://truewerk.com/garbage This Show is sponsored by BetterHelp, Better Help: https://www.BetterHelp.com/GARBAGE Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Attention, attention, Army of Garbage, the boys are back on the road for the Back on the Block 4, baby. Talking about stand-up comedy, plus we play RU Garbage live with the crowd. It's a great way to introduce people to the show, so grab the squad, come out and see us. Yeah, we're, this March, we're starting in Pontiac, Michigan, Indianapolis, Indiana, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Madison, Wisconsin, Minneapolis, Minnesota, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Cleveland, Ohio, Atlantic City, New Jersey, and gang tickets are going quick. Get them while supplies last. The boys are coming to town.

See you out there. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash Now here are your hosts Kevin Ryan and H Foley This is our you garbage That little show we sit down your favorite comedians and we find that to be classy Yeah, but they're just a big old piece of trash trash trash trash.

I'm your host, a truly coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Tooties in a new edition. She's upstairs practicing bending spoons with her mind. Oh, OK. Is that an HFOLY original? No, that's some Tooties tall can over there on the old Patreon. He thought it was a think piece. He's subbed out the Tooties Tall Can over there on the old Patreon. I thought it was a think piece. He subbed out the Tootie jokes to Patreon.

Is she using her hands? You gotta really use her hands. Yeah, see, he had a thinkin' tool. Ari got it, you didn't. This guy, you're a real popcorn kinda guy. Ari Keller. Bubblegum movies. It's a think piece right here.

That's Tooties Tall Can over there on Patreon. I'm having a good time with him. My coach is coming at you from right next to me. Extremely unamused this week. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage? He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world. Word on the street, he's gonna open up a Cold Stone.

Creamery. Kevin James Ryan, everybody. What the fuck happened to you over the weekend? Hey, gang, shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in. As always, make sure you review, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. And and obviously the greatest website of all time WWW.patreon.com

Garbage gang go over there you get all that bonus content and the boys are back on the road the back on the block door all Tickets available are you garbage calm absolutely again? We could be more excited ever incredibly and I mean incredibly special Yes, back with us again today. He's family at this point. At this point, yeah. He's been up. He's been down. He's been trash. He's been class. He's been crazy. He's been not crazy. He's tried to smoke in here several times and he's got a brand new special out right now on Netflix

that you got to check out. Give it up for America's sweetheart, Mr. Ari Shafir. Thank you, everybody. There he is. Look at him. Talking to a lawyer right now about changing my name to Aru Garbage. That's really cool. Hey, as an international businessman, I'd get on top of that.

The seat over here. Let us take you. I like that. That's good. That's not too shabby. You could do Aru, you Jewish. That would be better. Yes. I'm not, but my mother is. That's a think piece. Talk about thinkers. You guys are going to highbrow now. I know. I'm trying to. This guy over here.

You went from unibrow to highbrow. I like it. I still got a uni cook in a little bit. I used to tweeze mine in high school. That was my big thing. Yeah. Really? How else would you? Yeah. Tweezing that was due to high school was bad. I look like that. It just freed up on its own? Yeah. It just

kinda I think from doing it so much, it went away. Your body was like, we get it. Yeah, we get it. Yeah. How else would you do it? Shave it? Yeah, I shaved it sometimes. That was bad. Yeah, but you get you get nicked up on that. Get Tootie

on to wish it off. Were ha ha ha ha. Hmmmm. Were you a unibrow kid? I could peg you as a, you're a hairy man. No. None? No, no, I got hair in other places. Got good separation. You have hair on your shoulders?

Yeah, yeah. Did you have the on your shoulders in high school? No, it came afterwards because God sucks. You must have. Nowhere else I could think that I'd want more hair. More patchy hair. You must have been else I could think that I'd want more hair That's more patchy air You must have been an odd-looking I have to say 1415. This is my favorite re look You look like a good-looking guy here the beard pretty good bald, but cool. It's still pretty good

Sometimes you come in it looks like you came in out of the fucking subway nine different. He's a haggard It looks like you came in out of the fucking subway nine different people haggard Sometimes you're almost like going if I don't say it's a coin flip Yeah, you can look very Devon Aaron swab and even even when you shave the top Yeah, it did sometimes that looks better. Yeah, you look put together was that Norman's bachelor party I had a fully shaved top sides like the crown. Yeah, I'm good with that. Yeah, it's funny Yeah, I extra shaved it extra balled it Imagine him 1415 it was like the a YG and friends He came inside face to face hair back and then and then kept it for for months

You had the but I have the half and half ruled. Yeah, you kept that drunk white chicks loved it They were fighting with their boyfriends on the street like yeah you're a piece of shit yes it's two different people let's go take a picture with this semi homeless man that or like little kids little 12 year old boys it's there I mean they go to their mom they wouldn't take their eyes off and there's go like a horror movie when like the UFO's coming in? I get that sometimes from little kids. They look at me like that.

I've seen it. How come there's so much of that, man? Yeah. One kid one time I was... Put a dollar in your belly button. I like the Western wall. The prehensifoli. The wailing wall.

Stuffed in notes. Put little notes in his folds. I got Japanese tourists climbing on me. Get off me! I just want world peace. Beat it. No, I was. I'm trying to take a nap here. You know those things that you shower in after, when you're done on the beach,

like the little public little sprinklers? I was in one of those. It was written off some sand on me because I had been rolling around the beach. It's a Dorito dust on my back. I couldn't Shake I'm biting at it And this kid was like his kid pointed at me because mommy why is his belly so big? Oh that hurts belly so big oh that hurts because your dad left now beat it what did you do did you guys you started laughing you know you got a play little kids you gotta play along I've been called Santa Claus a couple of times mommy is that Santa Claus or daddy is that Santa Claus you're so ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha real people. What little kids gonna do? That guy was all over the news. The fucking Bridgegate,

are you kidding me? Bridgegate completely killed your beach. Wildwood went down. No, that's not Bridgegate. Bridgegate was like nobody could do vacation that week. No, Bridgegate was he, it was the GWB. Yeah, he was jamming it up. He was fighting with edge with edge water or somewhat one of Lee Fort Lee and Shut down one of the lanes on the bridge which just fucking Just just crushed the the town. I gotta tell you I respect the fucking overall whole fucking region 100% if you're if dude if you're in an office like that, and you're not playing fucking jets with the roadways You're crazy. Gotta go hardball.

100%. Shut down the Empire State Building one day. Just get some gigs. Put fucking cones up everywhere. The line's gonna be six blocks long to get to the top. Buddy, can we tell you this? We love you. Yeah, I love you too.

Congrats on the special. And that's all the time we have Seven minutes are you leaving? Thank you very much, I appreciate it glad it finally came out happy for you looks beautiful Yeah, again wild set design. Yeah, right. That's insane. Yeah, the eyes are on us we either got a like top it or we gotta do like a blank white like holodeck wall and uh let's go for it. Yeah, I mean Ari Schaffer, guy takes chances. The guys out there create, they can swing, goddamn artist he is. Why do you lock down something like that? I met Aaron Judge. We were there for that. And you turned into a dim-witted 12-year-old

when that happened. I don't remember any of that. Hey, Mr. Judge. This podcast continues to be full of lies. What do you think? I was. I was a bubbling idiot. Where'd you score that kind of greenery?

I had to source it. It cost a bankload. Was it fake, or was it all real? No, really? All real plans. You can hear in the beginning of the special my nose little stuffed up from the pollen oh my god that's how real it was and look like you were in a video game is that another Benadryl yeah yeah this big elephant

ear plants like that one like that one but real those are real we have someone come in and prune those every day are yeah every two two weeks. They're real. Ari, you don't know nothing about horticulture. This guy's name's Steven. Ari, don't touch it. They're poisonous, Ari! Oh my god, you just killed us all. I'm more interested in horrors of culture. Oh my god. No, they weren't all real.

There's no way. Yeah, all real. You just threw all that out, and everybody gets to take it home like a centerpiece in a wedding. Yeah, the flowers we made centerpieces out of it, gave it out to the crew. The Elephanier stuff, those will live for like 50 years. Those went back, and then we'll use it for other stuff, a flowers and wedding. Yeah, the flowers we made centerpieces out of it, gave it out to the crew, the elephant ear stuff. Those will live for like 50 years. Those went back and they'll use it for other stuff,

for weddings and stuff. That's pretty cute. I like that. Yeah, they want nuts. Foundry design, design foundry. They were like, I told them the idea, they're like, you can do this for like about, I'm like, oh, that's not, that's like seven plans, no way.

Cause that's very in style these days, is to have a wall of green hair like that. Uh-huh. Did you know that? I was taking pictures everywhere. Everywhere I went wall of green hair like that. Did you know that? I was taking pictures everywhere everywhere. I went I see something like that. I was taking pictures for like yeah effect But then a living wall they call it I believe Some call you that as well The kids are firing today gang yeah, we told them what I wanted I'd send them the Material like oh, this is cool.

All right, you know what? Let's go nuts. And they just on their own just kind of like went above and beyond. Very classy of you. Can I tell you that? Whoa, that's one point in your favor. That's all I've ever wanted.

One point. You are a classy guy when it comes to friendship and unity. Sure. And stuff like that. U-N-R-T-Y-S-T-U t y st uff you're a nice guy hygiene dress not so much every way out then it really falls apart into like you know crackheadiness yeah I tried a year ago you're reminding me that I said was

like let me try no deodorant for a bit let me see if I could do it and then the thing is I wouldn't shower every day. It's like those people who go like, I can't afford this new apartment. I'll just quit smoking and I'll have extra money. Yeah, good luck. That's a great plan. Who's ever done that? Yeah, no one ever has. Yeah. But yeah, then I was like, I can't cover it as rent on the first. I wouldn't shower. Then I'd be out and whoever I'm with like, what man like oh yeah how many days a week you say you're showering I would like to say I do it every day no I know what you would like you'd like to say a lot of things how many days yeah I'd like to say I'm not Santa Claus you're what I can't you're under oath you're in front of a jet you're actually you're in

court hey how many days a week did you shout out on the Bible Old Testament? I'm a scroll. Yeah touch the back of the scroll Trying to get you to technicality you'll swear in the New Testament anything We're all gonna make this up anyway, I'll swear post like a fan fiction story. I don't know. I mean, if you're watching, I apologize. It's like, Oh, wouldn't it be cool if there's a sequel, an unauthorized sequel? Hey, I don't appreciate that. Catholic household. Don't he's upstairs. You're going to come down. You're going to be pissed. She Get him out of here! Ow, Tootie stop! Tootie stop! Tootie stop! She picks you up by your neck. Oh my god, it's like Darth Vader's me. Oh.

I don't know, maybe five. Maybe five. But I'll go like four days in a row without, and then do every day. And you're like going, or is that you're just in the house, or you're like, you're going to do spots and stuff? Yeah, so I'll go like one day with no, and then if I don't have a spot the next day,

I'll just run it. I'll just run it. Can I, can I, can I, can I be honest? Of course man? That's all I've ever wanted out of you. Thank you. Are you gonna start now fucking five years in? Johnny Mclyers in The winner We both know where this is going and it's to he does what he likes to call shutting it down. I like to read he likes No, you go a day

Okay, yeah, and then the next day goes again You don't shower. Yeah, you really start to get into like a Film and a feeling that I know is not good and probably somewhere in the depression sphere. Oh, it helps. It helps. If you really want to be depressed and lean into it, no shower and really get to it. Let that film build up and slide right on into it. And then people leave you alone. It's like a compound disinterest. Yeah, they distance themselves. Because I don't get like, you strike me, and no disrespect, you strike me as your traditional Bo kind of guy

Like you got real hoagie smell. Yeah, I'm not a curry guy Like right right up the middle. Yeah right at the middle of just like Bo I'm a fat guy be a little bit of it's like musky and harder hours You get the ball once you get the ball I know it smells here Between my leg in my Fat upper pussy area. Oh, do you get some cottage cheese in there? Because you can't smell your own farts and you can't also smell your own but sometimes like who says you can't smell your own farts

You can't smell your own farts buddy They're not as bad. You can handle them. I think you enjoy them. It's like opening up a sandwich on the plane. It smells fine for me. Everyone's like, what the fuck? Who's doing eating Brussels sprouts?

But when you're ready with some cheese, an unready cheese smell is like, ugh. Oh, you're not wrong. Yeah, so if I could smell my own pits, it's real bad. Yeah, and you seem like a right up the middle, extra onions, a little bit of oregano, red wine vinegar, and olive oil. Little hummusy, too. Yeah, yeah, make my own paste.

Is that real tahini? Tzatziki Shafir. Tzatziki Shafir. That's pretty good. That's a DJ name. Tzatziki. Can you. Tzatziki Shafir. That's pretty good. That's a DJ name. Tzatziki. Can you win a Beezer for the weekend? It was like no one's near my booth.

They're all 20 feet away. Woo-wee! How many days did you make it? Adrienne was, Adrienne, we were flying to somewhere, Pittsburgh. And she, I saw her come back, I was in like row seven, she was in like row 15, she comes back past me after she sits down, and I'm like, what's going on?

And then she goes back, and I'm like, what is it? She goes, I can't, someone stinks. They went back to inspect themselves to see if she wasn't just careening, and they go, we'll get you. Really? Yeah, and I was like, how bad could it have been? When they were deplaning, I was taking my time because I was waiting for her, and it

was like, oh, oh, oh, that's gotta be them. They came down to me, and it was so bad. You should be, no, you can't be on this plane. It's old, and it's a hackneyed premise, but the same sometimes you get in a car share or something, you're going, how is nobody done it? This is wild. Start with four stars. Yeah.

You're maxing out at four. If everything's great, play this good and I get mints, max you can get us four if you got that BO. I dated a Polish girl one time. Her old man. Congratulations. They really are dumb, huh? That's really cool. Nothing on there.

How many Polak jokes must there have been? Anytime you get something wrong, it's like, noise. Her dad came over, man, you didn't know what it was. The scent was nuts. Yeah, perogereak. The BO, and I've said it before, the dumps were unbelievable. Oh.

You couldn't piece it together. You couldn't even figure out the food group to try to track it down. It was just strange. You ever smell an extra bad dump? Like at the airport, sometimes you can smell if someone's taking a dump. Sometimes it's like, what the fuck?

A nuclear poop, as I prefer to it. What are they eating? My dog will do that sometimes, if they touch the new food. Extra bad, but a human. I mean, I think you might have walked in on me in the bathroom once or twice. I mean, I definitely.

Kevin's body's revolting. My wife asked me recently, have I ever not had diarrhea? That's what she asked me recently. We shared a hotel room for four days. She goes, has it ever been solid? Still in the honeymoon phase, huh? That was me when I got back from Asia, and Rogan was like, do you have diarrhea?

I'm like, the whole time. Exclusively. Four straight months of diarrhea. Highly encouraged over there. Talk about a cleanse. I would assume your digestional tract is probably pretty weathered and pretty pretty strong at this point. Yeah. Weird places you've been. Sustained a lot of stuff. Yeah. What is the weirdest thing you've eaten Mr.

Schaffer? Talked about I think I've eaten guinea pig. I've eaten a worm. Worms was enough. Yeah. Beetle larvae. That's what it was. Ants. Well, they are. Whale. I've had whale burgers in Norway. A burger. You don't even get to stake it at zebra burger in the UK. What? Yeah. Zebra burger in some market. I've had kangaroo. Kangaroo ostrich. Great.

Yeah. I've had both. Where? Australia. Had it right here. Fucking New York City, baby. That's not kangaroo and ostrich great. Yeah, I've had both fucked up where say Australia had it right here Fuck in New York City, baby. That's not canger that's homeless They served your homeless and called it was a McDonald's and flushing clean. I weren't a kangle hat What you're right here as a stretch? Well bear bear burger used to do that, right? Ostrich burger now. This was at the water front ale house on 30th and second. They had kangaroo. I heard that kangaroo burger back so punch I'm sorry. A box. Alright. Damn. A real Norman episode for us here. Got that. Keep it in. Shout out to Mr. Norman. Shout out to Mark Niemann. Get what's talking about true work. Shout out to Mark. And I'm and get what's talking about true work. Yeah, the true work gang gang.

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Man, I didn't realize that. I grabbed it. I threw it on. I had to go walk the dog. Whoo. Dude, it was snowing, rain threw it on, I had to go walk the dog, whoo, dude it was snowing, rain, sleet, everything. I was in there, snugg as a bug in a rug, daddy-o. Fantastic, every TrueWork product is-

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No matter what's going on. It's better to talk about it than to keep it in keep it all bottled Hey, you lash out of your co-workers. Oh, you said it dickhead I'll tell you that right now gang do yourself a yourself a favor. If you got something big going on, if you have something maybe unresolved from your childhood, which apparently I had, I don't know what this guy's problem is, but apparently I'm a little bit screw balls. Sure.

Do yourself a favor. All right, talk it out, man. It's not worth it. Blow off some steam, whether it's big, whether it's small, get on the phone, get on the video, do what you need to do and talk it out with better help. Yeah, it's fantastic.

Listen, new year to new year, new you. This is a time to be like, you know what? I'm going to take that step and better help is an easy step into the pool, baby. You get in, you can figure it out from there. It's super noncommittal. You can call and text. You're going to send an office, talk to some guy. My guy used to fall asleep on me until I got a can you.

I got to sit in here. I talk to some guy, my guy used to fall asleep on me until I gotta can you. I gotta sit in here. I apologize Steve for that. BetterHelp is fully online, making therapy affordable, convenient, and serving over five million people worldwide. Access to a diverse network of more than 30,000 credentialed therapists with a wide range of specialty.

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We love you. Sure. Thank you. Enough thinking around here. Let's get into the goddamn questions. Oh boy, what is this? This is the first episode we've ever done kind of, he's gotta do something. Oh, here goes the fidgets.

This is the first episode we've kind of done with you straight up. Because the first one you came in Straight up as a first guess where we decided if you were garbage or not You want me to be you wanted me to be impressed by your shuffling skills. Holy shit. All right Well, let's start right there. That is a question. I swear to Not show for a couple of days like that fatty this, fatty? This is from Tony. These are stiff. Are you garbage if you brag about how well you can shuffle cards?

Yeah. I do brag. When you see somebody shufflin' like this, just like that and pushin' together, I'm like, let me show you. Yeah, but that's kinda, the dealers go corner to corner a lot of times. Yeah, and then they just push them in,

but I'm like, no, dude, I want. You want that, and then, look, I believe it's called the waterfall. They don't even shuffle anymore They got that fucking machine there. Yeah poker. They do or a lot of time. I guess maybe not anymore I guess they they they do but that is very why is that that is a very garbage tendency It means you're not good. You don't got a lot going on if you're like check out how I shuffle cards your All your time is spent in between hands. Yes

I know right there with you all your time is spent in between hands. Yes At a table doing it yeah, I always thought it was cool as shit. I always respected it I used to I was to play a lot of poker in LA you get good at it from poker And then I was with my friend were playing in blackjack in a casino in Vegas And I was doing that shuffling the chair. I do that too. That is cool. I do the shuffle It's just like you know look at you do two hands and goes Yeah, the Russian mobs looking for you The chip shuffle at the table at like a fucking roulette table to blackjack table Whatever let you know you've been right in my first fucking time here now count me a room I'm shuffling $31 chips. You ever been thrown out of a table?

No he doesn't like how I he thinks I get a little too testy at the table. Testy with what the dealer or the people? The dealer. Yeah I'm having a good it's all in jest Ari. Making fun of him. Come on what you're doing is terrible. I'll go I you know You're a fucking piece of shit you're ripping me off. Literally that's the kind of stuff it'll say. We'll know why it's a piece of shit Literally, that's the kind of stuff that'll say we'll be sitting there having a nice night No after a lovely meal nice four dollars stake over at the old quarter How'd he come to your house and stick my dick in your ass Realize it he gets a couple of them fucking drinks. Oh, it's so great. It's so great No, listen, are you fucking piece of shit? No fucking screwed me. It's not like I will be kids

I will say you screwed me. I'll never direct it at him. I think that's fair. They're gonna do who the dealer Oh you go. Hey this piece of shit over here I don't say anything with dis bozo in the vest. For real piece of shit. Hey we're all friends here right? And I'm like this is fucking. Hey Jimmy did you change your name tag to Jerko? Watch this guy's a real fucking scumbag before you sit down.

Nah you're really painting me in a bad situation. It ain't good. It's not. What do you do? I'll have fun with it. It's not like they just come in'll have fun with it be it's not like they just come in they deal me a bad hand I'm like what the fuck people pop call my low life piece of shit just having fun I have fun all one time

listen I tip very I tip very very heavy and I'll go out you know I they're true like I Luke Luke back me up on that it's very much at the tables you think he does he every time he wins anything Every time does anything when you win you pass it down, but when you lose it never give it back What's up dealers? Exactly why I'm upset with We were boys How great is this when you like tip him a dollar or whatever chip and they go right it and they're like

Those are that they ain't doing that it's fucking the Bellagio. That's a those are a little questionable though Those are fun because they're going I know the odds are against me But I want to be I want you guys all friendly. I don't watch Kevin yelling at me again I was here last time he came in and I said go to therapy. So you're bald friend causing bit of a scene Now it's always fun and light-hearted. You're painting out to be a bad guy that's not the case yeah um I got thrown out once for what stealing chips who's a commerce casino I've cheated me and Renaz is used to cheat poker yeah just stay out of the hand we'd like give taps of like I have eight aces or Kings and then we give a tap to me like raise no matter what you

have I'll re-raise then you come back you can get out then why Why and then who so whichever double raise. You're kind of playing together it's like hey don't let's not fucking bump heads in the pot we're here to take their money. Yeah so in limit I'll tap if he's if I'm sitting there and Renaziz is sitting here I'll give him the tap and so it goes to me I check right it goes to Kevin he checks then I bet it comes around again you double bet that's on limit poker so that way I can get a double and then and then I'll be Like now I'm out. Yeah And so now everyone has to stay in for double, but we got caught once cuz I told them I really got lazy I got aces yeah, no I go

And then it came and some guys just like like looking at me across the table, and then I raised goes whoa What the fuck? Another play yeah, yeah that I'm playing against and he goes what the fuck like what? He goes you just said you're gonna raise he raised and then you re raised and I'm like no Bro, I'm a foot away from you Sorry, you're clearly lying I Got talking to on that one. No I got thrown out once cuz somebody beat me out with a jack-in-the-river I had him the whole way I had him and then uh and then he was like stacking

He talked a little shit just like you think I knew what I was gonna something shitty And then I waited and he stacked up all these chips and as soon as he stacked them I just I just reached over that's such an Ari thing dude. I just knocked him down such a dickhead And they were like no he goes what the fuck he got mad. They threw me out. They're like can't know sir absolutely not you're out Five years old Behind one of the wheel of fortune machines to start shit in your pants What a great noise that is. Uh, alright, staying in casinos, this is from F. Holy, the $10 pizza and milk guy. Uh, are you garbage if you take a photo, oh wait, this is not it, but we'll stay in here.

Are you garbage if you take a photo of the dead guy at an open casket funeral still think my aunt posing my two cousins in front of grandpa was a bad look. Worst part, she made them cheese. Yeah. That's tough. Wait, she made who cheese? She made the kids smile in front of grandpa was a bad look worst part. She made them cheese. Yeah, that's tough Wait she made who she made the kids smile and don't take a picture with degree Yeah, and then it was like cheese like you don't smile on that one. That's a no smile I think all pictures are for sure no smile for sure for sure you shouldn't be taking pictures of the dead guy You shouldn't he's that's nuts

but there's a big thing that dirtbag families do is a Lot of their family pictures are taken at funerals because that's So it's like out front of like, you know, what's the cemetery on a nice day is a nice beautiful backdrop. Yeah good backlighting No for sure that's a dirtbag thing you can't be taking pictures. You can't be taking pictures with a dead body Unless you're out. Unless I will allow it. Polaroid. Be around with a dead body going like this.

Hey, hold this in a dark place for three to five minutes. You got it. Yeah, that. Okay, I'll give you that. That was alright. Do Jewish people do open caskets? What's the rule on that? No, there's a weird one with the body camp before it gets has to be buried quick

like within a day. Okay. So in overnight while they're waiting for everybody to come, it can't be alone. I respect that. Is there a viewing? I don't think so. I'm trying to remember somebody's got to stay and hang out. Somebody's got to stay. So what they have is volunteers, the high school kids, whatever will help the community like like with the body all night Oh, so you are sure that you have to go in and like be with it. Well, that's not like a family member would do that I'm or grieving. Yeah. Yeah. So so I mean they must have really worried about people fucking those bodies

Don't ever touch one like poke them. Well, you've done it before You know, they're just in the casket. You're just in a room with a with a casket You just have to relieve somebody you just sit there for a while. So you got good. I peaked I peaked You went in there like yep, that's good. That's a big set of cans Yeah, it's like Whoa Let the girls out what are they naked no Like the graduate What are they naked no

So long ago, I don't remember no they're in the casket. They're not naked. Yeah, they're all dressed up, right? I think so. What do you guys get buried in the plain box? Yeah, but it like well like all the stuff wise like I assume almost nothing Yeah, the guy anything guys were shelved shelling out cash to bury it Yeah, we're not gonna waste money on a dead guy Drop you off at the junkyard. We don't want to waste money normally. We definitely don't want to waste money on a dead guy An old Adidas box. Yeah, exactly the high tops though Can you guys get cremated is the rules against that? No cremation not allowed

Not allowed. No tattoos. Can't have tattoos, but that's a that's a wives tale. Oh, it is? Yeah. So you can't get buried in a Jewish cemetery. Yeah. That's what there's no such thing in Jewish law as a Jewish cemetery. You have to bury somebody. Would you do a mausoleum? You know, the little the little things that are above grounds. Yeah, I'd want one of those with something interesting. I mean, you hang out in there like your boys could come like catch a heater. Can't have a lot of cash for that. Those things are expensive as shit. Yeah, immersive art.

Yeah, a heater would be nice. Oh, you're saying catch a heater. Yeah, smoke a cig. Not me, I'm off the heaters. Engrave, like light up here. Safe space. Yeah, post up, maybe a little stone ashtray. Build in.

You have a joint, like a roach clip or something. Ash run out for the dead. Leave your roaches. Leave your roaches., yeah, yeah roach for the dead that was big when that went your blunts in the end Yeah, then I'd be in heaven and talking to God and God's like so what do you what do you want? What peace was I'm like? That's the good stuff do I think if everyone just got some Doritos, everything would be good. Seven eleven up here. And I had a picture I sent to the group of you with your eyes.

Oh, my God. I was. Insert that here, by the way. Lit, tired, drunk, full all the same time. Guarding aggressively guarding my Pepsi Zero. Sure. That is a big telltale sign of how garbage you are. When someone passes when you're younger, like in high school, we had a lot of kids died

in our high school. It must have been poison in the well or something. But a lot of people, and that was like, you'd go to the grave and like, we're gonna go there and smoke a blunt. We're gonna go there and drink a bottle. Well. I got a bottle of like I got a bottle of cap that we're gonna go and fucking drink it on the birthday like Yeah, we did that shit all the time. Yeah, everyone goes to who does the his face the what's his face Who is that? It's a rapper fromland people go to his grave and smoke on it

Yeah, I don't know T-h-i-z-z what do you got new guy luke how do I get away spell that he h-i-z-z and luke stumped on a hip-hop It's gotta be an older hip-hop. It's like a Yeah, he was fucking seven during Hyphy verse thyssen this okay. Yeah, who did this face? Talk about the risk Chat GPT AI's gotta know something about this is in peace Mac Dre

Great yeah, you would go to graves, and you would yeah, but you know at some southern comfort I don't know if I guess you pour some out I mean I didn't really I've definitely partake in but like my friends like we're going to go and like fucking I got two blunts rolled one for him sorry Ari that beers warm by the way why'd you tell him he's touching it he's going to call one we

got oh we only have like we got Christmas sales Christmas ale bring it yeah bring it all right I have a nice Christmas ale I'll just talk about drinking on grades Don't dry January to so this would be a nice Good they record this a February is really bad at it Are you really doing dry January? No, I thought about it this year I did it last year

I thought about it and I was like now I guess not cuz I was gonna go on Rogan's and I was like we're definitely Drinking with Shane. Yeah, and then I was like like well. I may as well then drink our drinking now Yeah, I respect the move I got one are you garbage you have mixed matched beers in your fridge Christmas just passed. What are you talking? It's fucking January. That's from last year. This is from two Christmases Oh, that one's all right. What is that? A Brooklyn. A Brooklyn what?

Brooklyn, winter IPA. Halloween ale. It's a Sledder's choice, and I'm a Sledder. Civil War ale. Yikes. Derogatory turn. That's all we got left is Christmas beers. Big Man drank all the Bud Lights the other night,

but in here by himself. I had one Bud Light. Well, a really big Bud Light, though. Why don't you plug that thing in? That's himself. I had one Bud Light. A really big Bud Light. Why don't you plug that thing in? It's broken. We've gotten two new ones shipped here. They've shown up broken. It's a whole thing.

It's such a cool part of it. I'm well aware. It's a very annoying thing we're dealing with at the moment. Yeah. We're working on it. All right, let's see here. This one I don't think we've ever discussed. This is from Cody, $10 dumpster fire here. What's more garbage when getting a haircut?

You do the square or round neckline? Ooh. Is there a classic? I don't think either one's trashy. Is there a gentleman's offer? They always ask. And every time they ask, I go, I don't know. I'm totally stumped. I don't remember.

I don't know. What's the right way? I always, is it, they always say, do you want it natural or squared? Natural I get. That's kind of a fade in, like it's already grown a little bit. It's normal, like the way it would normally end.

Sometimes they do the round at the end, and I'm like, and when I'm like square, I'm like, oh, that might be lame. Do a touch. They never get taken too far. They've taken me too far up to like the bottom of my ears man. You look like a computer broke reverse the It's a bad look here's the one when they don't go down enough when it's not like it'll one when it gets down to The neck when it's at like a three get an edge, and they do that it looks like you're wearing a piece

It hangs over the natural hairline. That over the ears. Sometimes if they're going over the ears and they go too far out, when they go over. Yeah. Yeah, you got canhead. Hey, Lego head. FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling saying I do. Who wants his last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning, in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated.

19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. You ever get an haircut and they're like, all right, cut it on like a three or whatever if it's like trimmed and then you see it, you go, that's actually not short enough.

Can you just go over the whole thing again? I feel bad. I had one guy go, I'm not done yet. And I went, all right, well, here goes your tip. He also gave you the worst haircut ever. It was pretty bad. I had one guy go, I'm not done yet. And I went, all right, well, here goes your tip. He also gave you the worst haircut ever. It was pretty bad. I had to wear a hat for a cut. I got to grow into a haircut a little bit. I need two or three days to grow into it.

Are you just cutting that yourself? Sometimes, or I'll go down there and just buzz it fast. Have them just buzz it. Yeah. It's as easy now. This part's taken care of already. So there's no in between anymore? I mean, I go, yeah between anymore. I mean I go yeah No, I want to go to Turkey. I want to get that thing Did I was just Travis traveling back from Germany in that airport man?

That is a tough look going through those guys are going through security with a headband and a swollen ass head It's all they look like a Ken doll Everybody on there is in a headband They all laid over in fucking and they all laid over in Frankfurt My wife was like there's no way you could ever do that Why you suck it up for a couple of months you'd be all right I want to know what the recovery time is a couple months two weeks two weeks is fine I can just know it's like a two weeks like no water so the ink starts to go away. Yeah, it's like two two week ink

It's two weeks Hair oh it is. Yeah, that's your new hair. I thought there was little dots. And that's how they that's how they put it in there. Like they put the dots there. That's the new hair follicle. Oh, it is. Yeah, I don't know how they do it. But also, I don't need a bigger head, man. My that's swelling goes it might not go down. Well, you think it's just extra put someone else's head on top of your head. I thought they

put little dots. Like they put. I thought they put little dots. Like they put a thing over you, put little dots, and then that's where they know where to put a tracer. They might, but those... They put the piece of hair in there. I think you're seeing the piece of hair, because then it falls out and then regrows or something like that.

I don't know. It's a bad look. I do not want to be that guy knew everyone was looking at him. You know. Yeah, you're going to have to do a couple of months of like... If I got it, I would just lean in. I wouldn not want to be that guy knew everyone was looking at him Hey, you know yeah, you're gonna have to do a couple months of like if I got it. I would just lean in I wouldn't pretend to deny it or anything. I'm like check out this new fake hair Back couple of months you sluts all be sorry. Yeah doesn't grow back Yeah, people try to talk out of it like it's gonna make it look shitty. I'm like I mean

They look really good now. They do look good better, but you but it looks kind of like online dating. We got shell-shocked when we were little like that's for nerds Now I mean dude there's we've had someone offer Yeah, one weird summer a listener his dad a listeners dad is one of the best guys in Turkey And he offered us like a full do you want to do it? He offered he offered us like a full-blown come over they put you up they give you like a Lamborghini to drive around in I mean yeah let's make it a trip let's make it a comedians trip pretty cool you get some more hair I know I would go just for I go just for the heck for the desserts just yeah someone's getting a harem and you're just rolling around in Turkish delight I'm a sucker for all that food man couple of pistachios. Yeah, someone's getting fake hair, someone's getting a harem, and you're just rolling around in Turkish delight.

I'm a sucker for all that food, man. Couple of dates, a little bit of fucking hummus. Hoo wee! Big Turk, one of those underrated candy bars. Canada only. Big Turk. Yeah, it's Turkish delight wrapped in chocolate. You go to Canada, shout out.

Great white North. Have you ever had Turkish delight before? No. It's like a nougat. I'm a Hershey man, everybody knows about that. Nougat mixed with gummy. Yeah.. Shout out. Great white North. So late before now. It's like a nugget. I'm a Hershey man. Everybody. We're good. That's a gummy. Yeah. I'm a little chewed away. It's got some chew. Couple of almonds.

I'm good. They really do. Yeah, right. Yeah, that's all I have covered in new. I'm I can't do it. Let's all hang out at least. We can post out later. I'll just go to third. You go.

We'll decide when we get there. OK, that's so neat. It's go. We'll decide when we get there. OK. Get something to eat. Get some of them sandwiches I like. No, I like the sandwiches. And Turkish beers, they got the weird cigarettes. We can hang out here. We can smoke weird steaks and weird beers here. Facts, facts.

Yeah, I guess it's true. Save the fucking $35,000. And the headache. My god, the headache. All right, let's see here. Treat me like a king over there. What are you talking about? What was that question? Do we answer it? That was the back.

I would say square is probably the more gentleman-y thing. I don't think it makes you garbage or not. I don't think it's not garbage, but I think the classier one would be square. Classy square. You're saying no. You're saying no. Square seems more military from what I'm seeing, and then it's also more military. I don't think it makes you garbage or not.

I don't think it makes you garbage, but I think the classier one would be square classes You say no no square seems more military from what I'm seeing and then it's also easier to keep up a square So you can do it yourself for longer no I say a curve is better because when it grows in past it It looks okay square with some extra. Yeah, no, but if you're touching it up yourself The round one's more natural I don't know but the kid in high school that had the fucking hair back here was fucking a rough look I used to have to shave my brothers Shave the tornado down the back the back of his neck yeah

Brutal I never had that Italians had that The Italians You ain't lying Never had that Italians had that the grits the Italians You ain't lying I Was I mean we used it out to our advantage my boy Vinnie with the skinny he was about 16 Sent him into the beer distributor in a wife beater and board shorts in the summer And they were like you got ideas like I just came from the pool and they went yeah I mean you could look I mean look like a fucking you know like a mechanic and I like underage beer for five years Yeah, these kids got to start dying their hair a little gray

Well, do you see people are doing that they're dressing up as like old women or old men like you know There's like you can get enough fake prosthetics like a wig and all this stuff and go in as like a super old guy Grab a sixer and guy behind the counter is like, yeah, whatever. Hey! As someone who used to have to check IDs. I just shit my paint. Yeah, yeah.

I used to check IDs at the comedy store and this was all normal situation, not everybody. I would just look at the thing and hand it back and say, go. I would, you could be giving me a black woman's thing and I'm like, okay, 1991. Who's doing the math? Yeah, it's just like, you know the year.

Welcome, Ms. Cleo. I didn't do it before. Ha know the year. Welcome, Ms. Cleo. I've done this before. Have a nice day, mon. I don't think either one of those is classier trashy. I think it's just better or worse. Sure, it does open up for a pretty good debate. And I never know.

Sometimes I go, whatever you're feeling, man. Also, English, there's a tough language barrier where I get My haircut a lot of time I gotta talk to the guy next cuz I always get the bad guy cuz I don't call in and make my appointment at the Dominican spot so I always get the guy who's just sitting there waiting his cousin He don't speak English So I gotta talk to the guy next to him and then he's got to talk to him and or if you get it back Where your wife lives like you want the Dolph?

No, I don't want the Dolph. They give it a high and tight over there. What's the Dolph? I just like a little bit of spiky all shaved and down hard. Yeah, just some Russian Europeans do a very nice They go bald very that's like way more The receding hairline hairstyle still like the car they push it in yeah, I do it nice go for it I gotta show up coming to a podcast Yeah With a little bit of swagger. Yeah Who's the fuck in him? He's got some young chick girlfriend. Oh, I just like him like right yeah, right He looks like he was born in a mushroom patch Hey portobello get the fuck out of here

Don't his thing though Yeah, oh for the record fuck Mark Davis Open rules there you go Yeah, that makes sense. I see what you're saying there gay All right, let's see here. This one's from Phil $10 pizza pervert never have one read is a garbage asleep with your hands in your pockets sometimes Sometimes it's comforting sometimes. I feel like a psychopath. Always psychopath. Even if you want to put your hands out, why pockets?

What the fuck are you? Keeps you tight. I'll do it on a seatbelt. I'll stick my hands. Seatbelt rules. Seatbelt really helps you. But then why not pockets? I'll stick it underneath the seatbelt.

Because you're in a bed. A pocket on a plane, I'll allow. In your bed? What are you sleeping in that has pockets? I'll give you that. You're gonna do it all out in That's act religious. You've been robbed one too many times. I saw a video and said somebody's trying to keep stealing my change. It said somebody's trying not to get robbed in Philadelphia. Waiting for the bus. They're trying not to get mugged. And so they get to the bus stop and they just go like this.

Sure. Yeah. He gets a bus comes like, all right. I'm ready. I made a business suit on the briefcase. I'll never pretty good. I was driving down Gerrard Avenue and there's a trolley on Gerard so there's like a People wait in the middle and like a little island and man this guy is it like fucking Gerard and Frankfurt or something this guy Nod now as I was passing them and like leaned over my guard. I just zip right

Oh, I almost took that guy's fucking head clean off. I didn't even know what happened They don't know you just popped up, and then you know you hit him with a frisbee They won't even notice I want already get to that next beer because I want to see how bad that's a scotch ale What the hell is that? This is not a bad IPA no, it's what makes it Brooklyn's a great beer It's in his episode is brought to you by Brooklyn lager by Brooklyn logger beep this whole thing yeah they're fucking close they can cut a goddamn jack put a picture of penis in here Ari Shafir loves penis I'll try that right now then I'll do a little mixer never see a mixture outside of a foot rockers your own rockers mixin beers no

mixin soda so oh you about to have this question before no if you get to the You never see a mixture outside of a Fudd Rockers. Fudd Rockers? Mixing beers? No, mixing sodas. Oh, you must have had this question before. No. If you get to the fountain and do a mixture. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've done a mixture before. I didn't know Fudd Rockers was the same as Ford. I think, yeah, they had their own, it was just-

So you fill up your thing, but you're like, little Coke, little cherry Coke, little Sprite, little orange. See, if you can find the name of that, I heard a pretty good name recently. For doing your own soda? Your whole, like, doing one of everything. It's like running the gauntlet or the tornado. I know exactly who did it. The guy who owns that burger place. The guy with the with the with. Butterbuckers. The guy with the gray uh mutton chops that owns that burger place. Do I know like no one personally? No. Oh. Superior audio burger. I got two for you. Suicides and garbage juice. Garbage juice. Suicides is pretty do doing a suicide. Just having to do it all everything but diet coke

Yeah, you gotta pull a diet in there too that will really ruin it. They put a pickle in it, too I'm pretty sure a leap of How is it sorry oh you don't have it yet Scotch ale ladies and gentlemen here for the first time already tries a four-year-old scotch ale if don't throw up or we Totally will be pissed. I like it pretty good. There you go. Pretty good. It's actually legitimately good It's a it's a it's a brown ale for sure like a Newcastle. Okay For sure like a Newcastle, okay China fell in love with them Newcastle. No, okay. No, really? No, it was always something that some like cool guy. Yeah, some hippie guy was like, oh you're drinking those

I'm drinking Chimay. It's a get out of here Fucking Chimay Chimay is aware guys today's episode is brought to you by Bell's Christmas ale Scotch ale I'm a Bell's two-hearted man If you're ever in the Comstock, Michigan area, come by the factory and take a tour of the Bells. Is that where Bells is? Maybe. Yeah, they were in Brooklyn.

It says it there, I don't know. All right, this one, I mean, this was from Fatshicks Only. This is Garb. Fatshicks Only, that's a solid name. Is it Garb's you get picked up for a custody exchange on a motorcycle? My dad would have to pick me up on My dad would have to pick me up on his motorcycle

And I would have to wear my stepmom's helmet and had a sticker on the back that read bitch. I was 10 years old I mean a thousand percent yes Just riding it's riding bitch, right? Yeah, you're right behind your dad Man, that is if you got a dad who's got a stepmom. You definitely want to hold on tight. That's pretty cool, though It's so I mean you have to is a weird word for this guy you get to yeah exactly Doesn't want to go like that new husband was a huge pussy and scared and scared of the dad for sure yeah Oh, yeah, yeah, he'd be like alright mark relax. Are you mixing the beers now? I'm gonna mix, but I'm gonna wait till it settles, and I'm gonna have a little mixture The weird guy what do you do the oldest eight-year-old I've ever met in my life

I've ever met in my life. He's America's sweetheart. That's right. Now on Netflix. Now on Netflix. Beat that, too. Aw. Aw. You get one plug up front, Ari.

That's all you get. This is the cinema, but it reminded me of when sometimes if we were going to stay at my cousin's and my parents were going somewhere, they lived right off the turnpike. And there was like a get-on, like for emergency vehicles. Get-on? Get-ons? Yeah. What kind of get on? What kind of city planner are you? I want a great way to call an on ramp, a

get on. It wasn't an on ramp. It's not a get on. I know that much. It wasn't an on ramp. It was just a gate like in case there was a bad accident, they could put an access point emergency access. Yes. So they would just pull off the off the turnpike and let us out and we would sneak through the chain link fence And my aunt and uncle would pick us up and they'd take us to their house for the weekend Wow Real refugee shit. Yeah, just enough to turn around Paid a toll. It's all yeah. I'm on board with that actually know what every can't

Jew is still on YouTube right now You know what? I recant my previous statement. Jew is still on YouTube right now. Are there any other terms that you've been using that when you find out as an adult like, wait, that's not the term? We just did one, it was just wrong, it's one of those idioms that you hear and you just, I heard it wrong the whole time.

A ration of shit. A ration of shit. How'd you hear it? I thought it was a rash and of shit. A ration of shit. How'd you hear it? I heard it was, I thought it was a rash and a shit. Like you're giving me a rash and a shit. A ration of shit over here? Like I was chafing. Not a ration, like a portion.

Yeah, I was chafing from all the shit I was getting. Nice. You know what I mean? We convinced a friend of ours, the La'Lanis Morissette song was a cross-eyed bear that you gave to me, you know that? You know, you oughta know. The cross-eyed bear that you gave to me. you know that you know I don't know the cross-eyed bear that you gave we convinced him that it was about the guy from Full House who gave her

Teddy bear that had crossed eyes So the credit goes oh, yeah I know I just don't want to tell you It's all about Dewey Beach That's also a time when like unless you bought the album you couldn't learn the leader No, hold on back that detail up Yeah, it's a we beach I got a ticket for public urination the whole town to believe He could have been the mayor

Whoa, you know that screwy talk and toss Fridays Yeah, this was just one is from Nicholas ever thrown a bicycle Oh god, this one's just funny. This is from Nicholas. Ever thrown a bicycle? And a fit of two dads. Absolutely. It can't be in a nice mood. Absolutely. Fucking lute.

You are real fucking pissed to do that. Yeah, throw a bike. Wow. They're so awkward. You gotta pick it up. You really gotta commit to over the head too. Yeah. If you're doing that.

They would hurt too if somebody would throw one at you or when it when they push push you down on your bike man those fuck can't block it. No. Yeah, there's no soft part you can try it out. Park catches like your elbow bone or something. It's coming frame first at you. Yeah, damn. That's classic. I've never thought of that. That is an angry man right there solid solid solid god All right, let's see here. This is one for uncle dude Hit me, please drive on to the train tracks by accident. What how? We did it in Portland Bridgetown festival. We were driving draw Rob a bank and we saw a cut through Cut throughs a real term right? Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, that's a 50-50 No cut through is definitely a through and we saw a cut through cut through is a real term right yeah I don't know yeah that's a

50-50 no cut through is definitely a through and a get on isn't about to get off every get on at the cut through we're like we can go this way then back up then back up to the to the afterparty but like oh it's right there you see the road and it goes so it's train tracks but like we can drive on it but then the road dropped the the train tracks stayed a little higher. So we were driving, and all of a sudden, we were just skidding. Yeah, it was me. Who else was in the car?

It might have been Canaan. It might have been, I forget who else was there. It might have been someone who lived there. And then we were like, just stop, you can't go, the wheels aren't touching. And then we're like, oh, what do we do? Scatter! Yeah, we're like, and it hit us.

We're like, guys, if a train comes. You're killing everybody. Yeah, this is fucked. And we're like, oh, what do we do? Scatter! Yeah, we're like, and they hit us. We're like, guys, if a train comes. You're killing everybody. Yeah, this is fucked. And we're like, we got to call 911. And whoever's driving is like, I'm drunk as fuck. And they're like, all right, you leave. You guys are just all in the backseat. Who's the so-called risk?

I don't know whose car this is. I don't know how we got here, but officer, we need help. Yeah, we had to call. And we're like, we're on the train. First, you got to call Amtrak. Tell them not to come right now we all tried we got everyone out of the party at British that we try to like lift it and So the comedians are incredibly weak

Hey, I'm hold out them broads that they get stuck and they flip the car themselves push it back Well, you have to be a mom with a kid underneath it. Hey that's superman strength. You couldn't push it back No, it was skidding. It was like pushing the whole thing We just couldn't do it It was fucked cops came like who's drove and we found like someone else came out of the party like I drove sir This is clearly a sober person's action. I am sober. Why do you ask who drove they still probably got a ticket for it though, right? Yeah, we got a ticket But then that guy who drove is like I'll eat the ticket fucked up if he didn't

But then that guy who drove like I'll eat the ticket fucked up if he didn't hey buddy. Oh, yeah driving there Where my keys at I got some trim lined up Home all night with my kids, and I gotta hear this shit. I know someone who did that gotta You know they, they had been intoxicated, this is decades ago, they had been intoxicated, crashed their car, just took off, got home, ran home, reported it stolen. That's smart. Because if you abandon your car,

like I'm just gonna get out of here, you're like, oh, but the evidence, it's registered. You can't get away from that. There's plenty of things you get away from Not an accident. I think the cops knew the whole time the cops are like you were in the car He's like buddy. I had snoozing. I don't know what to tell you. Do you have evidence of that? Yeah, he's like your fingerprints in there. No shit. It's my car. We had that in high school, too My buddy was driving. He was a little he had a couple chardonnays in him and we pulled into this We don't condone by the way. Don't do that out there time of course don't be silly to use

My platform for good we pulled into a Denny's and this cop pulled in behind us And we literally both got out from our perspective doors and just met music say you were driving. I'm like all right no problem And the guy was right behind us. He's like hey. What are you doing? And I'm like nothing. I'm driving wait You who's driving? I'm like I was he's like really and just fucking bought it I remember we went inside. We're like this fucking moron. I Was one time we try to take a cut through me and my buddy were leaving a house party real fucked up in our hometown I think we were like back for college or something. Yeah, try to take a cut through of what we remembered is it closing all the ass We remember as a kid of like oh we used to cut through here like on our way home from school

But then like you just you would you know was like in a car No, we were walking and we're like, oh we're walking back and we're like, oh, yeah It's like I think if you go behind this house, it'll be on that road or whatever but sort of not and we thought there was like a little path through the woods you would walk and There was and it just like a thicker and thick and then do we were just Stuck in saw which in acres of sticker bushes. And dude, every walk, you just ripped in and in and in. And then my buddy fell.

And he's like, just leave me, man. I'm never going to make you. We were calling people at the party. Like, where are you at? We're like, you gotta send help. No idea where we were. Those stickers, you'll find them after the laundry, still on there.

Worst part about it, we got back to my buddy's, it was like a two and a half hour ordeal We're and we're so fucked up. We're bleeding like it's just our blood so we got a tattoo drunk. We're just bleeding everywhere You girls go to st. Joe's I Got a dandelion hanging out of my eye and They go so we get back to my buddy's house And we jump in the pool to like wash off and his dad had just shocked the pool

And we started crying Bad night well because too much like chlorine too much He had just dumped like open wound yeah quad do we were I mean my mom was like that was my mom I was like you have a problem. She's like, look at your legs. I want to say something about the RE Garbage card game. This is the old card game, new card game coming soon. Sign up for the announcement on REgarbage.com. The third edition.

Same or just new? New questions. New questions. OK, but if you own the old one, it's still great. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Gives more. It's like a Settlers of Catan.

You get add-ons. 100%. Yeah, you get another 50-something. Well, I just saw this on Random. I haven't looked at it. I've just been shuffling like a champ. Have you ever owned a Snuggie? And I, it's, a Snuggie is one of the best party gifts

if you're going to a cabin or going to a family's house for Christmas. You bring everyone a Snuggie. They have a Flaming Hot Cheetos one I found recently. And everyone's, no one's upset with it. Like, I'm for sure going to use, even for just this weekend it's 30 bucks funny pictures funny post a picture everyone laughs yeah look at guy look at look at me no crap hot that's my only thing they get too hot take them off open back the flaming hot Cheetos snuggie is a new fucking development in the all-plain you

I never had an all I'm not I got I had one in college, mine was an Eagles one. Go Birds. Go Bears. Yeah. Yeah, mine was an Eagles one. Yeah, there's a few gifts that are like just will always work. Snuggies for a party. You're not wrong, that's a good time. Snuggies is a good time. I got it for a Comedians Basketball League once I got them all. Slippers too. Slippers is solid. A robe for a real present. No one has one. A real thick robe. Someone has a child, I got this from No one has one a real thick robe Someone has a child I get this from Norman someone as a child get him a collection of books like good night moon Like all those kind of books the Caterpillar one whatever the fuck that one was I'll be like oh my god, this is so thoughtful

I did this five years ago in a worked, idiot. Sucker. Idiot, dumb. You're gonna be a bad leader for your child. This is the one I was looking for for funerals. This was from Basura, $5 trash. Is it garbage if you're step-grandmothered? That's a bad statement right there.

Are these all Patreon questions? If you sign up on Patreon. So if you sign up for patreon.com slash are you garbage you can ask questions And if you don't sign up for patreon.com slash are you garbage you cannot you cannot ask questions well of those two options I'd say signing up for patreon.com slash are you garbage is Better for getting questions asked then not signing up for patreon 100% garbage don't bleep that you know what else is great

You know what else is credit print it America's sweetheart on Netflix starting our sphere. Thank you. I love it What's the question for this loser? Five dollar trash never had one read is a garbage if your step-grandmother's ashes were sprinkled at her favorite slot machine in Atlantic City after her funeral that her grandmother's ashes were sprinkled at her favorite slot machine in Atlantic City after her funeral. Double. Dot, dot, dot. They even allowed this kind of behavior. What the fuck? Somebody's gotta vacuum that up though. There's

so many levels. It's as you sprinkled already. Oshas at your favorite slot. All garbage at Atlantic City. Double garbage. Step grandmother too. Step grand. that's a quadruple garbage now I have step grandmothers I've had multiple step grandmothers in my past she was definitely in a rascal towards the end of her days it's a long cancer lung cancer god it's a grandfather the remarried or it's no to me I mean to me

as my step parents mother yeah I had one. Now I have an ex step grand step mother because of my they got divorced. Stop getting Christmas presents then. Yeah, I never got Christmas presents from that side. I get some hard candy from her though. Nice of Brax. Yeah, I'm so sorry. I love it. No, you were not sorry. You are a rude individual who I've heard is mean to blackjack dealers and or slot machine Yeah, that's very try listen I like that though that is You got a vacuum it up. Yeah, it's not gonna stay you know about your opposite a slot machine Let it go let they got a vacuum it up. Yeah, that's what I'm saying But she's gonna get back up vacuumed up. Well you got to do it a little bit at a time.

Yeah, so it's like, it's going to get in that. Can't make a pot. Get it in the carpet. Get it in the gears. You're sitting there kicking, like rubbing it in. Also, who has a favorite slot machine? Everybody that plays slot machines. Yeah, what do you mean?

Every single person. They wait over someone's shoulder? Yeah, that's my machine. Like a telephone booth? For sure. They wait. They watch. It's not primed yet. That whole culture is all about that stuff. That's a machine like a telephone booth for sure they wait they watch out. It's not pride

That whole culture is all about that's a lot. Yeah My aunt loves the slots. I Yeah, old person's dream because you could stay there for a while playing nickels And you can build up points so it's like you feel like you're getting something back and you're doing it I I I don't like the development of where they give you a readout do the coins to the coins We want to feel and also I want this I don't want buttons. I want to Yeah, feel I like the bucket to the bucket always bucket great soda cup The bucket that they give you oh for your coins

That's a soda Yeah, it's a bucket it's's not a cup. That's crazy. That's more of a popcorn thing. Also, think about how many coins have been in there. You ain't getting- You wash it up big. No dishwashers getting that metallic taste back. Yeah, it is.

No way, dude. The amount of quarters that have been in there? That's a nice cold soda right there. Do you guys ever take back the things from like a popcorn thing from a ball game, take it home with you, and use that as your popcorn serving thing Until your chick goes no this would drop in this way from like them like a regular

No, like a plastic one like a plastic one. That's coming home. It's coming home throwing that out used I used to do that I mean cups the same thing with the little helmets little helmets what am I an asshole you gotta take it you've never ever though Served yourself ice cream in one of those cups now,. And you should. And you should and we've all missed out on that opportunity. Yeah, you shouldn't. I love those. Small serving size. You're old enough to remember, you remember the little football helmets, right, that you get in the vending machines? They were the best. And you get enough of them where you could keep the standings on your shelf of like who's up, who's in first, who's in second,

who's in third, who's in fourth, who's in fifth? It's almost impossible to collect all them though. It was it was a crap never give you they never give you a Cardinals Corners again Houston Oilers were tough to get there I always loved that when the Cardinals moved to Arizona and that they would have like DAL verse a ri I'm like nice Man the things you think are cool when you're a kid. Ah, Kevin's Pub. Take a picture. It was like, you tell your cousins.

Eyes in fucking Toledo. And they're like, Kevin's Pub. It was pretty cool. Yeah, it's a pretty normal day. You're like, no, you don't understand. I was thinking of you. Finding that you'd be at a rest stop. I still do it from time to time.

Being at a rest stop, like they had the license plate That's and you're like I'm on it. There's always a Kevin bro for 25 years You can't find it. I'm looking for an Ari. I stop every every one they have no no no no Chinatown airports For you gotta try is wait for an Ari the best. I've got is Ariana. I'm like come on. Give me one fucking are he personalized fuck You never got one check the bennington, tel aviv That's not having a simpson's have one of those where it's like barks looking for one is like Barry Ben Bort He goes what's this and he goes and someone else comes like my son is also named Bort

Simpsons is all right He goes, what's this? And he goes, and then someone else comes like, my son is also named Bort. I remember that. It's pretty good. Simpsons is all right. They're going to last. We got time for a couple more here. This one is a great. I wanted to do this one earlier. I forgot about it. Are You Garbage is the best podcast going right now.

Oh, thank you. It's fun, always. It's meaningless. You don't waste anything. It's just friends hanging out, drinking expired ale. Let's go. Some old meads. And he can mix and match here. Make a suicide. Also, you can't have two of the same beers. It's contractually, we're not allowed to

do it. Well, last time you were here, we drank everything but these beers. We drank everything out that we have. I still say we gotta have a party one day. Full party. How clear are these mics? If people are talking right there, would it... We could figure it out. We could drop some boom mics.

Yeah. Ari wants to have a party in here and film it. I wanna have a party. But no comics are gonna like let go and have a good time. Yeah. Yes, they will. Yes, they will. Can't be doing bumps and shit like that.

Yes, we can. All right. Right behind any of the cameras. Over there. Well, that's all. Hey, they will. Can't be doing bumps and shit like that. Yes, we can. All right. Right behind any of the cameras. Over there. Well, that's all. Hey, convince me. All right, I'm so let's get a bag. That's the bump room.

This is the not bump room. Yeah, and we'll just have a good time and then people will be on. We'll swap out. The fucking art. Tutty's gone. We're having a house party. It's not a bad idea, Kevin. Why are you looking at me?

You just want the blow. I've been pushing it for a while. Yeah, the blow. It's not a bad idea Kevin. Why are you looking at me? You just want to blow I've been pushing it for a while. Yeah the blow that's all part of it I'm putting that life behind me. I'm not drinking on smoking anymore Ari. You're not I'm drinking. It's not as much Have a beer That's what I'm getting waffle. I'm getting off of having a beer having to house party. So what are you doing? I'm just having like 10, 11 when I have them. We all went out to celebrate my birthday, my special. Thanks for the invite.

Yeah, special. It was awesome. You want me to have a party? You want to invite me to your party? It was Austin, Texas. You got invited? I was there. We had a good time.

It was awesome. We're so glad Kevin's not here. It was all Christmas beers. I did two podcasts of Joe Rogan podcast, which you guys never been on. It's a kill Tony, which you have been on. And then we all went out Tuesday. We're with a son, uh, Tony, uh, Matt Edgar, Wolfie, a few of the people. Good hang and a great hang greater to Rosa, which is the best guy to drink with. He's in my credits. My special is drinking with the Rosa. Did we make the credits, my special. He's a good guy. As things I love, is drinking with DeRosa. Did we make the credits? Special thanks.

How you doing? If I had a podcast part, it definitely would have been. I don't know. Well, this just got awkward. Why was it invited to the premiere party? I wasn't in the credits. I was watching the credits with Tony. We were watching late at night after we drank.

You know, I love his sandwich. And it was all these comedians I love. And Tony's like waiting. And he's like waiting and he's like so I wasn't on there like William Montgomery's on there, and I'm not on there Really like I don't know it's just things like I don't know respected. I don't know the list We were all we were on the last one or we were on somebody's Bert's Brass or somebody's no Bert's you're on someone else's as well. Yeah anyway. I thought for sure I get the nod for mr Shefee we were out. We're drinking. We're're making toast a song you know like I don't care anymore story story party this story boards me was I there was I talked about yeah but it sounds like I don't drink anymore it was like he's only special occasions and

we're like so this is a special Oh, yeah, right. Yeah, do it. Let's have a house party. Let's have a Tuddy's house I want to have a come I would have a card game here That's a pretty good. You built this place for a card get a dealer scream Some bumps Dude, we're doing blow No, no, we gotta keep the big man alive. Yeah, we're doing blow. We're doing blow. No, we gotta keep the big man alive. Yeah, we're doing blow.

We're gonna test our fentanyl, and if it comes up with that squiggly line, you can't tell. We're doing it one at a time. One at a time, ten in an interval. Ten minutes in between. That's risky. You gotta wait an hour to see. An hour? I got bloated too.

Everybody catch up. We'll put the Fitbit on. We're okay. Should test the fentanyl. Uh-huh. Gang, you special? Uh-huh. Is it there?

Oh, hold on. I wanted to do this one. I was a big closer right there. Oh, yeah. Artie comes, we get all scraped. I was broadcasting 101 right there. I was about to hit it. No, 101, you pulled it in the middle of a goddamn question.

We can switch off who's on air. It could be a goddamn party. It could be a seven-hour broadcast. Get sandwiches? Yeah. Oh, yeah, I'll get sandwiches. We'll get Joey who's on air. It could be a goddamn party. It could be a seven hour broadcast. Get sandwiches. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I'll get sandwiches. We'll get Joey Ro's sandwiches. We'll have shit there, shit there. Just like a nonstop party.

Get a dunk tank in here. Yeah, you guys might not be on at some points. Just get in there. We'll do like little intervals. Dude. Lock us out. Hey, it's our party, Artie. Of course we should do this.

The more I say it, this is a great idea. Yeah, it's our party. I do this. The more I say it shows a great idea Yeah, yeah That's the Christmas beer stalking. Where's H fully? He's like don't open that door Guys H would have wanted us to keep going a little Jewish getting there watching me I can't leave him alone. Look at that right there. Boom, America's sweetheart. Boom, that's how you close it. We'll see you out in a room.

We still have a... See that? No, this one's good. What do you got? Here we go. You ever have them sandwiches? No, this is ours. Jesus Christ, this guy's bonkers.

This is from Prison Wolf 001. Yousever almost drowned. That's a good one we've never talked about. When I was eight years old, Splash Lagoon almost took me out for good. A fake water park? That's how they get you. The rules are bad there. You always die in a lazy river.

I feel like that is a trashier type thing I thought when you ever drown it was like the surf kept tossing me. I've that's I've had that before yeah frightening And you're like oh this oh Your bathing suits all fucking Your kids only pulls you down in the pool You come up so panicked and everyone's laughing that's a tough one the crazy thing in the water is sometimes nobody sees you nobody notices you just have the most dramatic experience of your life and everyone's like the fuck Fucking you're seeing Jesus. Yeah, you try to come in angry and I was like no, I think it's oh

Oh stop it stop it stop Hate getting dumped in the water is my biggest fear older kids would get to the community pool start dunking young kids sometimes when you're a T you're a younger kid swimming with the big boys the waves would get to they'd start a they'd start a wave pool and like I didn't have the buoyancy to go up they start chopping you you're like a dog your your pat your fight or flight is cooking and you think you think that's it and everyone's having a good time and you're like I am going to die sure, you're in the three foot above ground pool. It's not just uncomfortable. It's going to die. Gang of specials, America

sweetheart. There it is. See how you do that right there? Boom. That's a pro. That's a pro. Wait, I got one more. America sweetheart, Ari Shaffir on Netflix streaming right now. Do yourself a favor. Go there and check it out. Plus, we're on

the road. Yes, let me hit the cities real quick. Go ahead. We are going to Pontiac, Michigan, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Atlantic City, Madison, Wisconsin, and Indianapolis. All tickets are on sale right now. That'll be in March and April. All tickets on sale are you garbage.com. Ari's got him too. Hit him Ari. Right. Nashville, San Antonio, Tampa, Denver, Schaumburg, Atlanta, Portland, San Jose, Orlando, Seattle, Vancouver, Calgary, Edmonton, Anchorage,

and then I'm done for a year and a half. Luke, cut all that and see me out. We love you. We love you. See you next time. Peace.