Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Andrew Collin: Upper Class Trash

Episode Date: December 7, 2020

Kippy & Foley are back with Andrew Collin and some wild stories from growing up in Florida. Andrew talks Jet Skis, getting arrested, divorce, and growing up with some cashhhh! It's a wild one!  Bonus Episodes: www.Patreon.com/AreYouGarbage Get a Shirt: www.PodcastMerch.com Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash now here are your hosts Kevin Ryan and H Foley everybody out there welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast this is are you garbage it's the show we sit down with your favorite comedians and find out the group classy just a big old piece of shit I'm your host H Foley coming at you on a beautiful day here down here Aunt Tootie's basement sitting around the table chopping it up with the boys my best pal in the whole world is sitting right fucking next to

me my knee is touching his thigh yeah and it's twitching because the kid is not come cool and collected a little bit of anxiety yeah kippy Kevin James Ryan ladies and gentlemen hey gang happy to be here I really do not like the fact that we're touching guys make sure you please rate review subscribe on itunes yeah available on YouTube yeah right there as well also patreon.com slash are you garbage you can sign up for bonus content bonus episodes videos at the end of every month we're gonna be doing a live stream look you guys that sign up for it look you know you get to ask us questions we're gonna be asking you

questions it's a whole fucking scene also podcast merch.com get yourself a fucking t-shirt let's go and the are you garbage card game is now out I hope so get that the link will be in the description just in time for the fucking holidays and gang don't forget December 10th we're gonna be in Royersford PA the announcement so there's a lot of them I go headlining and soul Joel's comedy club also have you seven o'clock spader-gooder to everybody let's get it all out now we're down we're in the fourth quarter of the season here gang I got to make a little bit of game let's go those Christmas trees are coming up low

on the bottom I'll tell you that empty boxes all around it's like a department store the foley outsold real quick let's tip our hats to our producer extraordinaire they're very funny the very very talented mr. Toby McMullan people my man we love you pal and that's neither here nor there because we couldn't be more excited to have her incredibly special got a hotly requested guest here with us today I think it's gonna be a real fun one you know this gentleman from you up with Nikki laser in his own podcast called puddles I slept on his kitchen floor and bushwick for six months we're bragging we called

ourselves roommates we hung out watch TV together talked about life learned lessons it was fantastic I'm telling you off the bat I know he comes from a little bit of cash but this kid straight he's garbage you just you have a like guy who smoked too many say you've you've seen some shit face Andrew Collin I remember stepping over your dead body every day to go to work and I'm like what are you doing fully I'm a waiter and I was like yeah right yeah you've been dead for six months and then and then he just go you just go like like a bear like a bear like that's woken up before his hibernation's over he's just

this guy sleeps 10 but then I saw you in that like French restaurant in the West Village and you're an amazing waiter like you were incredible like you live there did I walk the dog by there oh that's right yeah it was a nice dog you were working at that restaurant sleeping on my floor I was walking a dog you remember I just remember being you hanging out watching basic cable like laying around everybody else's right that house was a shithole next to that drug dealer named the king yeah and then one guy just disappeared and we never looked into it there was some Indian guy who thought he was like you move there

and he came from a decent family I think and he's like oh no now I'm a hood rat and I'll hang out with the neighbors they just disappeared and I swear I swear she's 69 yeah yeah I love that guy oh dude there's a great documentary on who love I watched I watched it all about 69 great marketing yeah can do what he was doing next episode we're going both the red bandanas if I can get a couple of face tattoo and some downloads you know I'm saying all right let's get into it I want to hear the backstory of Andrew Collin you're a southern boy I think right Florida which a lot of people don't say it's very annoying yes I'm a respected

family you want to say I come from money for this guy this guy fell off the back of the back of the I fell off the golf and I landed on a fucking twin bike from 1946 I imagine you rich and you were a nightmare I started from the top and I fell yeah no my dad's a doctor he's an oncologist and cancer doctor that's pretty good gage especially in Florida those guys what are you gonna say these no cancer no he's great at finding tumors I don't know that's all I know it's like that dog that sniffs them out did your mom work growing dessert dog yeah there is oh yeah there is a dog that does that orange if you have cancer just

brows it fully takes a dump on you what if you get like you're walking the airport he's smelling nice what a kind of fucking lung cancer I don't even smoke weed anymore that's a guy you put coke in his ass now I'll show you the tumor somebody get me cancer quick move some product in here that's just blow to the movie we started out it's a cancer ward yeah he's an oncologist he's an oncologist where in Florida did you grow up well I grew up I was born in Miami my dad's from Queens okay and my mom's from Chicago they met in Chicago and then they moved to Miami my dad did his residency at Jackson Hospital and I

was born in Miami I only lived there two years and then we moved to this kind of back then it was a smaller town called Port St. Lucie Florida okay I think I've heard of the med spring training sure and yeah I went from like you know 12,000 people to 200,000 over what a lot of cancer patients it was great for my dad this is in the 80s yeah so we know we're fueling the whole growth of this cancer yes cancer and cocaine which go hand-in-hand yeah we'll see and see factory yeah so we grew up there it's kind of a small town I was like the only Jew and like the whole you're Jewish I'm sorry I know I would have never I would

have never invited well thanks for coming by yeah I know I feel scared in a basement I paid you for it really yeah really I know he's new you were Jewish I get a lot of ice now I cannot say it's like it's like one of those 3d puzzles what you know where Waldo is you can pick them out right away the matching sweatsuit starts to pull things together yeah doesn't it yeah my dad's a cancer all right no so yeah so we grew up there nice house you know doctors I I'm not gonna say it is a little weird doctors get rich later yes okay that's a lot of schooling yeah I think they deserve you know like you know it's like it's not

like he just sold one house I saved a lot a lot a lot a lot of operation rolls off the residuals I get a check every month you know what my dad would do he just cut out a little of the tumor and then keep it going for years smart real Jew is that what you want is that what you all know this is down he's a dirty heaps that what you want and did your mom and did you know fucking married to a doctor she worked a little in the office I don't remember her working she she she had a company called rooms by Robin which was a interior design company for about three days that sounds like that sounds like a rich wife's thing yeah

hobby yeah I was talked about in a couple dinner parties and yeah the sequin hat that she made came out everybody was ever a couple bottles of wine deep like rooms by Robin it rolls right off the top I can see the business cards now she made business oh of course yeah it was the 80s ever dude if you have a business card in the 80s you were a fucking shmo dad pays for the whole thing of course he did so my mom I don't think she was raising outside funds for rooms by Robin yeah I mean it's probably why you cheated there we go first bombshell the coming in early right and then married the bitch oh so

they got divorced no yeah yeah I must have been a hell of a doctor I'll tell you that wait when you say she worked in the office was the office wasn't at the house was no yeah my dad worked on colleges at the library did the shed what are you talking about well doctors in the summer he's jumping out knees in the pool right next to the mind the kids now let's see your tips I don't mind the kids but I got some bad news the bad get out of here good news is you can stay for dinner the bad news is you got to get off the couch because the kids got us yeah no I yes no yes you've worked in the office my dad started like a private

practice when he moved there he was like the only cancer doc there was like one other guy that kind of did cancer gotcha and that in fireworks so my dad moved like to the middle of nowhere essentially you go from Queens being from New York my mom didn't want to move there mm-hmm so that probably started the unhappiness okay you know our temple one time I'm not a big Jew you know but back then we brought it up nine times already juice I'm a temple you're like thrown at people's faces I know your audience trying to get a table at a restaurant over here I want them to turn it off as

fast as possible no but like they put swastikas all well they spray my uncle Florida that's how they asked me to prom yeah it's cool dude Florida is something else yeah I don't even know if it was skin I guess it was skinheads you know I mean it was it wasn't the Shriners swastikas everywhere there was died six million left which is kind of witty she's and and I remember I brought my Irish or my Italian Catholic friend he's like it's just it's just all the time and I'm like nah it's just for you he's just for you you brought him to temple then it happened to be the one day that they swastika did up and he was

just like yeah and I mean let's sleep over at the Colin house I had a lot of friends for the hate crimes so many hate crimes growing up and it came from their parents you know like I don't know where the fuck it came from sure you know I am they had I remember when I'm walking in my one buddy said mine comp like nine different copies like okay you know this is pretty paperback in hard catching sniff you could actually smell the dead Jews it was pretty cool that's funny because the area I grew up in was so like when I was born in upstate Pennsylvania that was like fucking 1950 but when we moved down outside of Philly

it was such an eclectic you know temples Catholic churches you know Muslims everybody was mixed in Korean it was it was crazy yeah we used to live a little bit of that life and I couldn't imagine if I went over to Beth or temple to go to temple with one of my friends and we were going to fucking have a nice dinner afterwards and I saw that shit on the wall it would ruin the evening yeah that it was I say I grew up with my whole neighborhood was Jewish like half the half the school with her all yeah everybody was like 9,000 bar mitzvahs I went to should have been over in Boca or something yeah I know anytime I say

I'm from Florida I'm Jewish oh really all that hard a little New York South and I'm like fuck you bitch yeah I got stabbed fucking Podunkville yeah well it's like Mahoney it's always my bar mitzvahs to people that didn't grow I always just thought you grow like I just thought they were it was just regular than everybody grow but you don't realize that in most of the country there's not a lot of Jewish it's really it's really like so that was a thing yeah it definitely was a thing your house ever get vandalized anything yeah what is an insurance scam yeah come on someone had to pay my wife's Jewish and we had to pay

for the radiation in the living room no no there was nothing like none of that but is that what's up no but one of my buddies I remember he lit us again a swastika but on fire like with us swastikas are big yeah I don't know if they know what they are they don't think they're cool yeah little kids do that shit you're like you're a fucking idiot yeah and I remember but it was like a good friend so he let it on fire yeah he lit on fire and then he and then he shot a BB gun at me under the bathroom door and he's like it died Jew while listening to tool and I was like this is and then he wrote me 20 years later

apologizing because he went into rehab and he's like oh you know vegan now my life fuck yeah get in the bathroom want to shoot shoot yeah wait I like you better as Hitler yeah he wasn't your friend what do you mean you were friends we were good for you know these friends that just destroy you but you're like oh they take big fight for me you know these friends was the burning of the swastika and BB gun incident what grade probably 8th grade I would say Jesus but I make it sound bad they were good like I like it sound bad yet a hate crime kind of pizza in a dark picture we had some good times too you know I would skip

school you know those were the good days you know yeah no you get a stomach bug you don't go for three days but I went because my dad had some money my mom wanted us to go to private school nice so I went to private space called St. Edward's okay you're Beach Florida and we would travel an hour to school every day Jesus how'd you get to your mom drive you or did you bus it bus it so they would go collect like the people from yeah they collected you know they would drop off some not at school I don't know where they were going no that's not what I was saying yes you were they put us on a trolley and burn us is that

what you want to take a yellow bus or would it be like a nice no it was blue for you let everybody know on the highway because my body went to a private school it was like far away as well and he would have to bust would come get him like three in the morning it was like a fifty mile radius it was insane you had to get it was an hour to school about an hour five and I played sports so like she's so like you wake up 6 a.m. this is why I'm lazy now you know I did it all by 7th grade fucking pulling 18 hour days as a nine-year-old I said really really work because I was working three I'd working I played three sports so I'd

leave at 7 in the morning I'm not back till 7 30 at night sure you know I mean just fucking and then you eat alone yeah yeah you eat alone and you're just like banging you can microwave food alone my mom's drunk you know fucking alcohol that's getting late on the other side of town by a waspy woman with fucking huge tits my dad sent a picture of my mom in a bubble bath not like a year ago to the fucking mom or your step mom of my step mom okay it's like yeah good thanks you know how old is she she younger she should have went younger he could have went you could have went younger she had three kids so yeah and

they worked at the same office together all the kids no no no no no no the girl yeah yeah the woman worked there oh really she was like her the same thing with my dad did she work there while your mom worked there no because my mom you know was only there a day and then started ruined by Robin couple bottles of peanuts by Robin really honestly yeah that's pretty much so how did how many brothers sisters I have two brothers and then three step siblings now yeah are you close to the step growing up it was just the two brothers I don't even know their names huh growing up it was just the two brothers yeah pretty much when did the

affair happen or when did he get busted ah shit I still remember like it was yesterday so yesterday man I got a call from right even into what I can tell you're a real fucking dirtbag I'd love to know how many dinners he's ruined growing up a lot of silence going too far so so yeah no I think I was I got divorced at 13 they found out around 12 did the were you aware of any this were you sheltered from it oh I was yeah I was fucking told her she had rooms for robbing money I was a cuck early on no no it doesn't seem like they keep a lot of secrets to be honest with you so little loose lip as any size fucking selling us

the house you asked for the story yeah we want it I know I'm just saying I'm sorry I'm coming hot I love it but nobody a tight-lipped family doesn't produce this this guy's letting it all hang out let it hang so I love it so I was like 12 and I remember the the husband of the wife that he cheated on called my mom god damn it yeah and he found out he got out he so she was married had kids of her yeah yeah she worked at the office those two sparks started flying one thing led to another yeah and my dad looked for a tumor inside her pussy it was an exam I love this loves his job she had a referral what you want me to do I had to take her look the dog smelled it

so so one night the god damn dog would stop barking at her I said let me take a look at that thing I love this dog this cancer dog there is a cancer dog what a sad life he's like a beagle or something no I just want to live no good news I just want to run everyone hates him cancer get him the fuck away yeah nobody ever likes him that's great the other dogs don't trust them the latter he barks no farther along it it is um no so yeah 12 13 phone call one night and I remember they sat us down and you don't remember the off call was it was it rocky before it was rock it wasn't like yeah I'm just asking I don't know it was like sometimes they can you know it was bad at least keep up appearances like for a year I

would say like two years I'm not even fucking with you every night it was like it's impressive almost when you think about it but every night they're screaming at each other fucking fuck you you ain't and I'm in my room you know watching boy me doing shit like basketball you ain't shit she dunks on it and one bitch yeah it's wet they're in the driveway settle the score I wish it was basketball that's crying yeah so yeah so then you know haven't been able to play a game a whole sense this was great this was great about the divorce so they so they're getting you always love that's it they're separated right wait hold on take me to when they sat you down oh they sat me down my mom's crying on the floor um whatever you know being annoying uh floors by

robin that's why you're in this spot right look she picked them out yeah it's nice little little olium there floors by robin she's crying because the floors don't match the wall floors by robin tears by Andrew this is falling his eyes out and so whatever and then yeah he's like you know I'm gonna move out I'm moving to a condo and then he moved to a condo and you know the did he ask if you want to come with does anybody know he kind of knew that he was losing this one you know when you cheat you don't have an upper hand yeah he could say look I make all the money I pay for the kids schooling I paid for your jag wire but you know you cheat you're fucked hold on it's jaguar by the way no jag whatever the hell what's that your new money yeah so you threw a couple

of different syllables what's the name of the car what's the name of the car are you dirtball he had a Mercedes he had a Mercedes he had one of them Mercedes had a Mercedes bans a jaguar jaguar I don't know what sometimes it comes out you know but that's a good guy that's classy he you know he yeah sounds like a great guy well I'm just saying yeah I mean you won't you leave committed adultery cheated I ruined but you leave the house is apart you leave the house in the family with the with the wife and the kids yes yeah yeah so he put him in a fucking condo by the airport no we had a nice house too we're not gonna sit here condo and my dad has one diet pepsi and like a half a pizza box and he ate them paper like that's what a divorce

that's my dad's money sat us down they told us and he goes he goes because it was me my brother anybody want to come with me today we're like dude get the fuck out of here I'll walk you out yeah I'll see you out but I'm not fucking leaving my crib I got all my fucking shit here my fucking go stay in our house for 40 minutes away do you got a gt bike at your place yeah yo we got a gold card outside motherfucker you can you fit that in your trunk you see that pantry pussy I'm staying here dude I'm going there yeah so then how many unfinished guest rooms out of sleeping in his house he was moving all the time dude those fucking beds a divorce dad's bed in the second room the second room at a divorce dad's house is so no it's never finished

it's on like wheels it like moves around because he knows he's gonna move again and like you try to jerk off on it and you fall off the wall like it goes against the wall he end up in the hallway because an exercise bike right next to it and always ironing boards but it's not hooked up it doesn't even turn on yeah yeah divorce dad's rule that's why you have to get a wife that's why you married the woman because you couldn't do anything on his own you know other than you know save lives so how long was it until oh man so that's what I'm competing against you you know your dad's I mean I'm sure your dad's were degenerate losers now you're a guy I haven't talked to him in six years great guy my dad saved lives yeah I had to compete again my dad abandoned

us when I was 27 think about that is that possible I don't know I think that sounds on you that sounds for sure he was like listen did I did 27 years I'm fucking done this kid stink they had a party for me I can't fake it I'm out at 27 you're an adult man you gotta let it go I have I don't it's like I drive by his house anymore dad he just let you know how bad he hated you yeah oh yeah I said that about my dad my dad was unbelievable and there were so many times when I look back and I can't believe he didn't he didn't he didn't leave just just from the torture that me and my brother put me through yeah just fighting and just being bastards do each other breaking shit ruin and everything that they got I don't know how he didn't just get in the car one day and never come back

I mean you know probably have a hot secretary yeah he was a secretary if I know you I know your dad didn't have many choices yeah he did he had a great job he was great I love you daddy yeah I do love you buddy no he's watching right now yeah from below watching from hell dog didn't get them in time he just seems like the bottom of our feet um yeah so anyways yeah that was pretty much it and then he moved out and then he ended up no so the what was funny I had a bar mitzvah my friends had no idea what it was sure clean up seven grand I bought a used jet ski I spent every day I didn't have gas how could you be new money at 13 fucking that's insane new money at 13 by the jet drop seven lard I bought a yamaha three-seater I

only had one friend I was like come on what are we doing here who are we lying to save room for the town races yeah yeah right bitch that's that might be that's like that's an insane thing to do what trash to buy it yeah I mean it's trash to buy one as an adult but as a why are my parents let it I'm gonna do first of all I shouldn't I should invest at least two grand of it I'm surprised I didn't take half of that they probably did the Catholics they take the whole lot really yeah we have our version is communion okay I got I think I got we don't get jack shit thank you I made I made I remember making like over a thousand bucks that's like my mom took it all I made 200 never saw there's some Jews in Long Island and make like 70 grand my friends growing up that his parents must have spent

a hundred grand on this thing they had a huge like wall size neon sign made that said hats off to Derek it was black tie it was black tie catered Derek his name is a whole nut Derek fully your idea of what a hundred grand oh yeah they go you don't understand they had a neon sign that they wrote it out the whole applebee look they misspelled Derek they had to hold you know how like there's a step up they had the whole the whole bar area they had people even knocked on the door they told them get out of here till 7 p.m. they had them little swords for the cherries it was crazy oh that was class back oh you're gonna surely temple with a sword in it I turn into zero I turn into Zorro real good night you just bought an extra half hour at the table they had seven balloons it was great

they didn't they didn't even float nothing compared to communions though no no no and you got seven I got seven which is bad I don't know you don't you wish I honestly had it now four times don't you wish you had the seven grand yeah of course no I lost a hundred I lost a hundred dollar bill when I was like fucking 14 and I've been looking forward ever since I go back to my mom's house and dig through the closet I could have turned the whole thing around man if I had that hundred bills bro I don't I'd be a different kip that's like 12 grand now well I asked my dad inflation right in Canadian how much bitcoin is that I wouldn't dude if I had that hundred bucks I would have gotten the bitcoin early real early you would it is I don't even I don't even know what

happened to jet ski to be honest I really don't I asked my dad yeah I was like what do we do with that you know he wasn't there but whatever just talking in an empty guest room he's working so yeah so then um after that I don't know my dad remarried my dad married my stepmom at Marlar go isn't that crazy that's you guys got a little bit of kids I'm so poor I can't wrap my head around what Marlar go is when it goes not how you say is it one house but because he's go he lives there who Trump yeah I thought you meant my dad yeah yeah pretty sweet no but Trump is that a resort it's a it's a private residence yeah that's probably I don't know how many probably 15 acres I'm guessing okay it's big it goes from ocean to river on like Palm Beach Island he bought it

it was like his best investment ever he bought it for like a couple I thought it was about now it's worth 40 million dollars it's not is there a golf course there no there might be like one like small hole I don't really remember so it's a private residence that they ran out for weddings and shit yeah I think my dad's like the first wedding that had to be expensive yeah I was like this is interesting that your mom go she watched from a canoe she watched from my jet ski she watched by the guys at the Giants games yeah sitting there waiting for the corsage he's gonna cheat on her too scumbag oh where did they where did your mom throw it farther where'd your mom and dad get married not fucking Mar-a-Largo no no you've said it three different

times it's been wrong not Mar-a-Largo Mar-a-Largo Mar-a-Largo Mar-a-Largo now he got me fucked up Mar-a-Largo I don't even don't matter we ain't ever gonna be there Mar-a-Rose we'll never get the table at that joint well look I remember not with your cool new jacket on but yeah so yeah we were there and I don't even really like yeah the wedding was nice I guess I at that time Trump wasn't Trump yeah right he was just a guy that was pretty fucking cool back then you know I mean whatever and uh and uh yeah I don't know so then they got married my step brother moved in they got a townhouse my step brother moved in my step brother Jake Jake the snake okay and he's he's uh he's as Florida as I should show you a photo I'll show you a photo after yeah he is and this was a step up for her

she was a receptionist at a doctor's office now she's got the doctor she's got Mar-a-Largo I didn't even think it out wow now she's spending some she's she's not Jewish no no she's the one I was like why do you have spray paint on your hands Jeannie and that's how they found each other love and hate is very good that's too you know so and I'm sorry are they still together your mom and your your step mom and your dad are still there they are they are so they must have turned on the spending once they got into the castle huh yeah a little bit one time my brother my dad bought a boat right he bought a Jupiter or a not Jew whatever one of these nice center console boats probably 70 grand like an expensive boat okay center console nice yeah I you know I'm from

my dad's from New York my mom's from Chicago we're not like a big like you won't find me in the mangroves in Florida you know but my stepbrother he is a mangrove you know he is on a walking alligator he's still a picture I picture him in a sleeve I picture him like Larry the cable guy I don't know why no he's skinnier he kind of looks like he could be like in bloodline but he just works on the dock okay he doesn't have a talking rule he's a deckhand I got you he's still in a couple of crab traps in his day yeah he lives in a crab trap yeah yeah he started first to steal a little lobster he sells he knows his way around a crustacean I'll tell you that much we got hot we got hot lobsters hot lobsters um yeah so uh so you know what I remember I was like I remember

this was like later in my life and I was just like hey I want to take the boat out he's like you can't take it out without the captain and I'm just like who the fuck you're the captain of my dad's boat I can't use my dad your your stepbrother my stepbrother oh I would have called him I would have called him anybody if you bring in some girls man you gotta let me get out there Jake's got to get a taste okay he loved his puzzles he'd get mad if I went near his puzzles that was another thing about him he's like you're going near my puzzle man he sounds autistic wait why did you wait why were you too good in here you two were living in a car wait were you living with him no moved in who me no never are you didn't move in with Jake and your and your stepmother dad

oh like when I was younger we would do Wednesdays every other weekend that kind of Wednesday that didn't have a good lawyer did he Wednesdays every other weekend Jesus it's like six hours a week that's the night NYPD blues are you a good great lawyer you didn't want to see us yeah he was the best lawyer ever well it's also that puts like Wednesday's a little much he's gonna act like he fought for you Wednesdays fuck god damn it Wednesdays how long was the the the hearing's long no it kind of rolled over real quick actually they go Wednesday all right that's it we'll take take it um that it it's always tricky too because I know with my same thing my dad had some cash when they got divorced and uh same thing the the younger woman from the office moves oh really

same exact thing and uh they start spending some cash she's known at his mom's house as the who is she no no no no no um they're no longer together anyway uh things aren't real not that you know how would you know yeah sure they could he said outside thanksgiving he's blocked you on everything including real life but with the mom that because now your dad's got to cut money your mom your dad's got to give money to your mom every every month so then he's she's going he bought a fucking ball it's like she's now aware of the spending sure that her and the new wife that him and the new wife are spending having a good time over there and you're just sitting there trying to eat your fucking chicken fingers like you know what my dad would do you know what my dad would do he'd have

my stepmom cut the check so every day she's writing this big check to my mom and then she's like well diabolical he's like I'm saving lives I can do whatever the fuck I want he's a king yeah he's a fucking man honestly they would call like I remember going into his office and people would be like your father saved my mother like he was treated like that's awesome yeah I mean it was pretty cool like you know my dad is our relationship now is actually way better than yours like it no but it really is personally it only got better I don't mind dad still loves me yeah well I mean here's the thing that tolerates me but here's the thing this way I look at it if they were you know he does have this job okay that's not a regular job he's saving people's lives I know there's a lot of money involved

in it but you don't really get into that shit for the money per se to a degree you're trying to be a doctor to save people's lives it's a nice after effect but if he's at home getting his fucking balls broken there's fighting and yelling I mean push comes to shove what's gonna happen I mean I think I'm saying so you can't be that many it's like you have a grudge against him no I mean I did for a long time when you live what are you talking about no no no I get what he's I get what I'm saying but nothing why the relationship is not nothing yeah but as a kid you're not being like well at least he's saving logic I know that's a fucking jerk off I know that but that's the problem my relationship is good yes now you see your father as a human and not this monster that just cheated

yeah and there's way less emotional investment in him you're like I don't really care and you get older and you cheat and you learn how to cheat and you realize that your dad and you get a boat yeah no but you realize like okay people yeah they're human yeah we're human and uh and you know my and like I didn't know the guy I said you know you know we never had conversation like I didn't but now we talk like now like I don't know it's great now um but yeah back then you just see him as this like this character your mom draws sure sure yeah I'm sure she wasn't oh she wasn't thrilled yeah no no you heard it every day when you were living with her yeah it was bad but she got the house she got the house which had a balloon mortgage so then she had to sell yeah it was cool

it's like down yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it's pretty cool yeah oh I'm sure yeah keep the house no problem yeah she's seeing three years yeah all right so you want the house and only get them on Wednesdays all right I guess so I guess deal play a lot why don't I sign all right play the lottery after that you got a hot hand yeah he drives away like no and then right down the street he just says you hear the radio turn up now that I'm free he's my dad he's not slipping as like fucking Kaiser sose and like that he was gone he just he drives an old piece of shit card gets out there's a new one yeah yeah he throws a match in that thing it burns takes his watching his wallet off keeps walking yeah no I mean but yeah so I mean that was pretty much my childhood

sounds great and then where was the yeah yeah yeah yeah where did you go from there would you go to school your bro because your brother does well doesn't he yes he does he uh what's he do for a living he's uh this private equity fund so it's like Richard gear in scent of a woman he a pretty woman oh yeah pretty you're the second person to compare somebody yeah Richard yeah her dad was Richard here in pretty woman I said I'm a woman yeah my wife is a who I look my brother how much to stay tonight how bad how bad would you fucking feel if my brother fucking had a grenade in his hand and it fucking took out his eyes how bad would you feel and I was actually right I couldn't drive a stick and I saw it on the road anyways he was like Al Pacino and got in any given

we're gonna win this game we're gonna get him on the goal we're not gonna no that's Rudy okay a game of inches that's what that speech that's a great speech I love a good fucking sports any given Sunday is very underrated that's a great it's a it's real fucking hammy but it's all yeah it's all right also is it underrated I when people say these things I don't understand these ratings you know I just you could throw that out sometime too that's real underrated no one ever goes actually it's quite rated for what it is actually they actually did okay on the budget it's moderately rated I think they made their money back they had mixed reviews and it did okay domestically I mean people say that about like Bill Berger like Bill Burr most underrated comedian it's like underrated

the guy has 20 million dollars what are we talking about how many jet skis is that a lot of used jets if I do the math it's a lot of bits it's a few months so your brother's done well so my brother did very well my brother is this where can I ask you is this where the house in the Hamptons comes in yes okay yes because I see you you're one of you can operate in that world I could see you you put on a nice pair of fucking salmon pants and a duck belt put a fucking eyes on on I could see you hobnobbing at these yeah a fancy eyes on yes but then I think you all yeah I know he's like look at you I could see you put it on yeah like in polo look at your what your college shirt and your knee you know what you know what I know I know exactly you can mix and I can but then you also know what

guy that works for the catering company and walked up to and say hey where do I get a 20 bag later on I think that's a great I think it's great too it's why it's not just a skill I think it's like I really do appreciate both both ends I really do like and it's like you're a centerist kind of like but you know like no just say you have money just say your you know but I'm like don't look me in the I stepped over your dead body for seven years like I earned it like but you know what I mean like I but I've always felt that way I've always felt I got you that way like where you where I I always felt like an outsider and with the rich sure real rich but I don't know but yeah yeah I can it's funny there's not much difference when you think of course you could just nice our house is better

clothes yeah and once you're involved seafood fresher seafood fresher yeah you're not getting crab salad from a subway which you think is a delicacy that's worth a hundred grand I love it yo they don't make it anymore so if anybody had subways watching bring back to seafood the light please oh you would get that oh they did they do it great I didn't even know they sold I'd rather eat seafood from the subway than fucking from a subway tell me tell you something subway seafood salad on a fucking on a 12 inch fucking wheat roll with a little mayo and some sweet peps good night throwing a bag of sunships and a dr. b yeah they were so big on sunship they are give me a dorito what are we doing with the sunship get out of here they make you think it's

the harvest cheddar harvest get out of love what sunships rule king no it's like eating a cardboard box the salsa the salsa is fun the garden salsa is awesome when those things hit my parents oh I thought we fucking my dad got a promotion when those things showed up out of the grocery I love seeing your family cut up that seafood delight in 12s we're eating good tonight kids I call the end one sunship each no one wants the end you want the end I wonder why your dad doesn't talk to me yeah right what he's like give me just a crust I thought he was talking to you I'm sorry yeah all of a sudden I'm the asshole here no you're eating seafood from subways that they probably served you in an ice cream scooper that's part of

the fun makes you feel like a seafood dessert you know what I mean I see you bring it to cold stone you're like mix that in can you can you chill this can you chill this a little more can I get the crab with the Reese's species make a smoothie yeah if they don't serve in an ice cream scoop you're getting ripped off you gotta know what you're getting three ounces let's go measure that shit out you don't like mashed potatoes served with an ice cream scoop oh they're always good mashers where are you ordering mashed potatoes that come out like that if you go to like a vfw buffet they got spaghetti meatballs look how he says buffet the guy says buffet like like he's like uh in an eye's on shirt yeah buffet the buffet yeah real real fucking loose b buffet a buffet the buffet

yeah so yes so I don't even know where we were with that I don't even know the Hamptons oh the Hamptons your brother does good what about your other brother he does good no no well they're both my real no I know that's what I'm saying yeah not Randy we're talking about it we're Jake the snake might as well not the captain the captain's gotta gotta line on a charter yeah doesn't feel like a Hamptons kind of guy to me we're like a Hamptons in fella extended state so he's got a stove he can we stayed in we stayed in an extended state placed down the shore for vacation once had a kitchenette we were like yo what the fuck is this dude an extended stay breeze four hours get him out of here it's an hour you can shower but then you gotta go

the hooker's gotta come in no yeah so yeah no my brother like he was gonna go uh be a doctor but he did like pre-med and he couldn't figure it out so he had like organic chemistry so I was like if he can't do it I'm not gonna be a doctor you know what did you attempt it would you go to school for I I had cheated on everything I was a finance major just like your dad too late that was one take after the old man Kevin that was one thing it was one thing and it was my mother I'll never forget my dad's guy's just spitting image of his pop huh we're one in doubt cheap and that's what I got to know my dad no no no yeah so no I would I majored I majored in that because my brother went to Tulane too okay he majored in finance I was like I'll do finance

and make everyone happy kind of thing and did you work in finance after no no no I it's a I mean my job is a whole another like probably hour and a half but I I moved I went back to Florida I moved to LA to be a PA uh production really shoots for the stars huh who the fuck moves the LA to be a production I thought I had a job it was a weekend it was it was an hour it was a music video or something it was a waffle hour I hop with Joel mackay oh I hopcumerture I thought it was I thought it was like I thought I had a job for like with benefit you were going home with Joel yeah yeah so I'm like your guy now huh I wore a suit I wore a suit no you're like you're moving boxes and I was like does that mean I'm getting residuals I like read a book about product like

a production for like dummies or whatever dude I did a PA I never I never done it before I moved up here though if we need someone it was like a friend worked there is it I need someone for the day pays up you know 12 bucks now I'm like I'm in and I'm like I'm doing it for a music video I'm like what do I have to do it goes just wait till someone says we need a PA on the walkie talkie and then go do whatever they tell you to do I go okay I'm standing there I'm smoking a cigarette all I like just listening to like someone's in the shot I'm like sitting there smoking they're like someone get out of the shot I'm dude I'm not like I'm like well they're not saying a production Jerko I'm sitting there smoking a cigarette get you get out

your dad's not gonna call you back next month okay hey single mom face Kevin's like wow someone else I felt like such a fucking asshole yeah so I drew again so you know LA didn't work out for me to say at least I did and I ended up Tuesday it did well I lived there for like a year and I'm gonna make it big one day I'll be making 17 bucks did you start doing comedy when you get out there no no I walked by her I lived like an hour and a half away from West Hollywood too I don't know what I was doing and then I lived in Hermosa I'd walked past to her most of comedy club and I was like one day I'll walk you know one day I'm gonna be a PA there yeah one day I'll do that guy's laundry and uh no but like yeah so like I remember I wrote like a little

like a sketch like a skit sketch whatever like about my foreskin I was gonna wear a turtleneck on stage oh man it would have killed it probably would have killed got a real carrot top over here wait you're not circumcised never really what yeah I'm circumcised I was gonna say you didn't mean that's what we sell it on the fucking first shoes um no no uh yes I think they get their cool hats so it's like 10 skins 10 skins a hat some big pieces it takes like 400 to make a look you gotta do something with them so so anyways so yeah so I lived in LA I ended up uh long story short I I I I go to New Orleans and uh to hang out with friends and I end up doing too much blow believe it or not and uh believe it I I actually never oh we believe

you I never bought cocaine okay in my life ever I did it like probably like 15 times to this date yeah to this wow I'm surprised at that yeah and uh but I did a lot that night okay with a stripper okay overlooking like poncho train talking about lights we weren't even fucking we weren't no dick was hard no pussy was wet it was just hey what is life you know and next thing I know I did a a gravity bong hit you know you know that is like when they cut sure yeah and um Nick and then my body went numb I couldn't move my arms and uh I thought I was having a heart attack stroke and I had my buddy drive me to ER then I spent three days in the ER in the heart ward okay blood thinner put in my stomach eight grand ran up a bill and I was like oh maybe I'll go back to

Florida you know like like that's when I decided I mean it was you know I was in great shape then to go back to your moms went back to my moms moved into my moms I was uh I was living there I had no idea what I was going to do and uh remember I found this like note or this letter that was written to me from a girl on a cruise from a cruise like years before and I was like oh this is why I had the coke overdose and failed to find this girl and then was I hit her up on Facebook she wanted nothing to do with me and so then she's talking about pretty woman huh yeah real fairytale yeah yeah but you know uh so anyway so I end up uh I get it I do real estate real estate was booming then yeah so I got a real estate life so many dirtbags try to get into real estate

bro oh all my comments were you cleaning up huh were you cleaning up bro I I I made 300 grand overnight like so so I fucking I had no money right I'm in debt I just got a drug a mild overdose and then I end up getting my real estate license on the second try and then I end up uh you know what the first one I was like whoa this is hard you know first one was to take the pictures of the test so so I'm like this one is a steel scantron first just I'm just casing the joint it's like oceans 11 but it's like so sad it's like yeah oh you just have to write see uh so so Florida Florida so I get my license and um and I'm like trying to sell houses I don't know what the fuck to do and then my buddy Rusty the third uh good friend for my school he's actually a Labrador

have you seen airbud he's a cancer sniffer I love a dog that does real estate it's so great shit's all over the living room but get your hell of a mortgage we're gonna have to get a rezoning what do you think sport he's so prime Rusty stop wiping your ass on the floor Rusty the best is when a dog talks and says English but also in a dog for like yeah it's a prime dude anytime anytime animals do human things I fucking love it I do love it forget about it so and then like yeah so he's like we should sell land so then there was these orange groves that

I had no idea but he put he figured it out you put together some parcels and you sell them to home builders that would clear the land and build so this was like the height of the market so we had it under comp we got um six parcels under contract okay who paid for the actual parcels so this we found this buyer from south Florida right so he had this I saw his pro forma you know what those are you know no numbers things anyway whatever it just shows what you're gonna probably probably earn from profits right and it was like insanely high and I was like then the guy got cancered I was gonna buy it one of the partners so they were gonna back out and so I had my uncle who was big in real estate in Chicago come down he bought it yeah for like 7.8

million next thing I know I get cut a check for like $280,000 and I'm just like okay this is uh pretty cool you know you've never had any kind of money like that before in your life no no not at all he was a production assistant for a weekend yeah yeah what do you mean this couldn't end Joel McHale wasn't paying like that oh it did not end well it did not end well at all so then I end up doing a one other deal I make like 90 grand and then we had that deal under contract for 7.8 for 16.1 to a home builder so everything was like perfect you know I was just gonna make another like literally million dollars like literally a million oh wait why would you get paid yeah get paid for the flip too oh okay and because we found the buyer too and so next thing you know

the market starts to get a little worse I'm like nah but you know we're buying bottles I bought a tundra like a truck I love how that's he bought a Toyota tundra he's dropping out like 42 Gs he's dropping out like it's Jaguar so I got the tundra out back but you don't have to give any the 300 grand back right no not that did your tundra have that extended cab gate that like an extended stay the tundras have that never mind no I get what you're saying I get what you're saying it was 42 Gs I put I put rims on I put like 22s on it not spinners but they just sat still but that's insane and then I traded in the truck for a Mercedes with my used car dealer friend named Jack Hardy go see him on us one and zero good guy he'll take you want to get arrested

still let my beak a little bit I still I still get a couple of points if I send anybody to already wait did the was the parcels a legitimate thing like like you know yeah they were 60 acres of orange like has that been developed in a real estate so this is where it gets fun your uncle doesn't talk to anymore I'm still in the hook do you know any buyers and that's the podcast I think you guys figured this is like I invited you here you need to find five friends you start smoking fully you know you're a smart guy you burned a few bridges in your day you know what a bridge is burned uh so no I still owe you 50 for staying at the place I don't think I forgot uh so anyway so I ended up uh yeah the market just kept getting worse and worse and we keep spending more and

more money I bought a condo for like 220 grand oh by the way I traded in the truck for Mercedes yeah AMG and I threw seven grand in cash at his face in a brown bag it was the best day of my life because I had to like split the difference it felt great I love it guys nuts yes so then I end up losing everything right so my house went from 220,000 to 60,000 on a bike to your brother bought you wait how much it was worth I didn't think you saw the tundra of the AMG buddy they're in my parking garage pulls up here in a wave runner dude mine you got a dock where do I put this you guys got bumpers for this thing so so I end up uh I don't know yeah so we end up losing everything my house went from 220 to like 60,000 did you have one of those mortgages too like all

sudden your mortgage was ridiculously high no but these mortgage but the house was no longer he was he had a $200,000 mortgage for a house that's now worth $60,000 wow so I had to short sell it and it's funny when you short sell a house they give you like $1,800 like you did it like like it's supposed to like I already put 40 grand into it you know how much did you get him selling the house for 60 you sold it for 60 yeah like $60,000 and did you get any of that money I got 1800 holy shit yeah that's it I thought that was a bonus or something yeah pancakes on the brain what are you just he literally just explained all the numbers I didn't know that was all he got for what 60 you looked at the pro forma what was that I didn't know that was all he got yeah so that's all I got

and uh then I was in debt whatever I can't really talk about that fair enough yeah and uh but the 300 not at least for another seven years yeah yeah so I ended up getting my car repo'd nice it was pretty cool for my dad's nice house which was pretty sure he was thrilled the tow the tow truck driver looked at my dad's house the Mercedes this doesn't add up hey he's like you said it was 112 mockingbird way yeah no it was actually a uh old Yukon which I traded in because I would pay less payments but the gas money really got me on that which wasn't smart I wasn't I'm not as smart I'm not good with money you know I started I started with a jet ski you know my brother fucking took his bar mitzvah money most people bought Disney stock you know my brother like made

nine million off of whatever so um yeah so anyway so I lost everything and then uh I was in debt and I mean really the story then I went to then I moved to New York for a while I thought I would be a screenwriter I tried to write a movie that's when I was like oh I'll be creative was it the story of you you would think no it was about laughers for hire like it was just some random write what you know come on about a scumbag from Florida it was the dumbest movie you've ever and I sent it to a buddy and he's just like he worked for like a big production company in LA he's like this is the worst thing but I need a PA this weekend if you can make it out I'll drive I'll drive can I borrow a car because mine just got red they just took the Yukon so yeah so I ended

up moving here worked for my brother for a while that didn't work out had a panic attack in the middle of night I was working in Ohio in Ohio for his one of his companies so they like buy manufacturing companies and flip them after they make them run better and then fire everyone and then sell them for more money and uh I was working in a factory with a hard hat on I'm like I'm just trying to be a creative here you know how do I have a heart and I just had a panic attack I was working in a shift went back to Florida then working for like a company called nurse on call where I because my dad's a doctor and it was at home nursing which cancer patients need to have sure and um so anyways long story short then I got into comedy at 30 I will say this though there

is something to be said for that because I've had that that moment too and I think that's how you know you really want to do it is when you are in the regular life and you have the hard hat on and then all of a sudden you have that moment where you're like oh my god I don't want to be here so bad this is so far yes from what I feel inside and I should be doing with my life that's a that's a scary moment you need it but that's a fucking that's a that's a you know you never want to go back you know what I mean you know okay I'm going to do whatever it takes to get to to get to do this I think so I think that also it's like every job I ever had was nepotism or some form of like a connection a connection and I'm very lazy you know I've always was lazy and

stand up you can't you really want to earn it you gotta earn it and it felt good to fucking earn it you know sure yeah it felt like sports again or like something that like oh shit I it's very merit-based yeah it really is and uh yeah so I my buddy had a divorce and uh his wife left him for like some guy with a big dick and uh so then they wrote the bottom of the uh a comedy class the right joke okay about his shitty ex-wife and then he bought he's like you gotta take this class at the improv and so he paid for this class and this is in Florida this is in Florida in west Palm Beach huh and that's how I started stand-up damn there you go and I moved to New York like a year later and then yeah that's pretty much yeah and now as a dog walker who's six years you know why

you were pursuing stand-up why I was pursuing stand-up he never had that feeling as the with the hard hat on again I mean I would say that feeling came every day I picked up dog shit I I think this sucked him more to life here yeah but at least you know you're moving in the right direction though uh yeah at first I mean you moved to New York we all like romanticize it right also at least you're surrounded by comedians you're doing some sort of shows and stuff you're like but I'm in the world I'm doing this is a means to an end right it is brutal I would that's listen we did five years in Philly that was like kind of fun we were crazy but it was kind of fun and you know it had like you know you feel like it felt different but here I would not I would you could take as many

years off my life as you want I would never want to go back and do those first three years oh yeah yeah fuck it it just sucked I mean it was fun it sucked yeah drink a lot of beers thank god we're naive tender it hit exactly you gotta be naive yeah I mean do remember I remember showing you Tinder off one of the villages drinking beers you're like wait so these are all just girls around me I said yeah if you like him you go this way if you don't like him you know what I mean you don't have to just wait by the docs he's a free you're telling me these are free yeah right no but yeah so yeah I mean yeah you just you you you get motivation from doing something that your family doesn't think it's I remember my dad I was like I want to be a stand up oh sure and he said something

to me he goes he goes yeah I wanted to play third base for the Yankees which is a great line yeah and he remembers saying it I actually don't even like really remember he said it to me he's like I think he came up with it later but no but like I yeah yeah he just no but like that's like you know so yeah so yeah damn New York and then I'm walking a dog and Nikki Glaser takes a photo of me picking up dog shit and then my life kind of changed from that day because I was walking a dog with wheels that's insane she I'm walking a dog with wheels and you didn't know what she takes a photo I don't I met her maybe yeah but she didn't know me yeah she thought I was the owner of this fucking lazy dog who fucking doesn't use his back legs and and and she puts it on Instagram and then one of my

buddy like Ryan Beck or something was like oh that's tag me it was like yo that's a comic she follows me that day she doesn't live in New York at this time she's just visiting then a couple years later she moves to New York and she's like you probably not still dog walking I'm like no I fucking am I am a dog I'm a actually I sniff tumors now I am a dog here I got another wave runner I gotta pay for what you got make go with the cash toots and she fucking hires me as her dog walker in the first fucking day I meet her I'm telling you know I open up to be me see how I am but like and she's like well why don't you host for me at Caroline's okay first day I meet her within first hour there you go and then it kind of just right we I walk her dog twice a day

we became friends then she had me on the radio show right and it just all like but I was ready you know yeah yeah yeah you kind of you know I had a very good showing at Caroline's sure which was scary because Caroline we all do Caroline's it's like on a Wednesday and there's like four people there's five hundred so then you go in there and it's like fucking sold out on a Thursday and I just the mom like my jokes work yeah you know and it was fucking yeah and it was all like yeah it's kind of crazy how it all like kind of came and then COVID hit and now we're now we're again yeah yeah yeah but like no but things are you know finally moving in the right direction I guess that's a hell of a fucking tale right there brother 100 percent yeah garbage garbage

yeah oh I didn't even I didn't even get into like all my garbage story I could go on for days about something horrible things I've done you got anything you want to ask this guy well I mean I think we should run through a couple of questions at least get some yes or no's you know what I mean let's find out what are you talk too much no no no no that was fucking beautiful fantastic where are you living now so I fucking lived in Bushwick in the middle of you know nowhere for fucking six years right and because thousands of people died thank god I got to afford an apartment in the city I got a penthouse on 48 I'm actually your landlord jerk off give me the money no I gotta I moved out I got my own place that's great nice on 7th and well actually I shouldn't say yeah but like in like

no ho area nice it's the best thing I mean when you live in this it's like changes your life sure I mean whatever yeah we moved to a two bedroom and it does change your life yeah and like a weird way I mean that's also because we're not living you know I mean we're crawling through you know I'm sleeping on your floor you're dealing with a guy sleeping on your floor when you have a little bit of breathing room and a little bit of this a little bit of that and you feel you feel like an adult you don't feel like a fucking cockroach yeah yeah people are always like you know New York you must fuck someone I didn't fuck anyone for like six years because I was a dog walker and I had no self-esteem yeah I just got the bike yeah I just yeah my brother doesn't even know I have it

all right let's hit him with a couple of the patreon questions uh all right well let's do some of the basics okay let's run through some of the basics do you brush your teeth in the shower I do of course you do because you're a fucking scumbag and you're the only one that ever say it like a huge smile on this hand again award yeah I do thank you so much maybe just gave him an Emmy yeah I just want to thank everyone that got me nobody no I fucking I have I'm not the best brusher I've been known to not I didn't brush my tongue for 15 years I didn't know you even do that so apparently you brush your tongue I didn't I put it in the shower it's another step of washing sure now I don't even think about it I want my breath anyways

do you keep your toothbrush in the shower I do why who's against this you are yeah this fucking jerk off what do you do you do it I do everything in the shower okay that's why it's gross to brush your teeth in the shower my girlfriend I eat him Sam that's why I keep the hands of the light growing up did you drink milk with dinner no Jewish yeah I was with dinner he's still he's still no you don't still as a 45 year old man that's just because you're Jewish that's why you didn't drink milk with them no because no I don't live in a fucking I'm not like in the Hoosiers movie you don't fucking drink milk unless you listen live next to a corn shooting free throws in the dark yeah you're like it gets you vitamin D that's what my dad would

tell me all right growing up did your parents keep your mom keep the butter on the counter or in the refrigerator it's a good question I'm in the refrigerator did you guys have a garage fridge growing up you have a second refrigerator we did but we had a shark in the garage we had a my brother caught a shark very for what are you talking about my brother got a nurse art an eight and a half foot shark it was a what in Captiva which is on the west coast of Florida biggest nurse work ever caught in whatever what was it in Captiva would you keep that the sugar substance no it wasn't a lie we stuffed that bitch and we thought you had it in like an inflatable pool or something to the back seat I'm like these guys are hillbillies is that a doctor

this is a fucking animal no but it was stuffed so every day I if I had to go get a drink in the garage I had to walk past we named it herb because uh the guy that uh nice Jewish name the captain of that boat not my step brother he he died like two weeks afterwards at sea like fell into the ocean or some shit I don't know exactly what happened and so we honored him instead of you know buying a bench we just named the shark her kept it real so every day I'd only got the shark I mean you might as well name him what was in this refrigerator juices sodas beers uh back then I'm feeling there weren't many options back then with drinks I maybe some coax okay you know some sprite you know respectable there wasn't like v8 or like fucking gator maybe gator aides maybe gator aides

back there yeah why remember to be a kid that drink why do you think v8's classic my stepdad that's it ain't classic oh it's like drinking tomato soup that stuff sucks bro v8's disgust I remember my indian friends would drink it I'd be like that's why you smell there was no not because I'm not generalizing that's kid smell it was frank all right his name was doctor doctor so you wait I'm not even kidding he was a doctor with the last name doctor anyways um all right I got a couple of random ones here have you ever gone tubing down a river yes yeah come on it's a real trash at his dad's wedding what do you mean that's how she came in that she came in that's a lot of fun I'm sure Jake was probably the leader of my good friend

pushed me I was like I don't really want to go down this river they're like no it's fun uh have you ever had a chain wallet no but I had a velcro's wallet that's pretty it was like a no fear or something what was it probably yeah I had some no fear shirts big dog big red dog the big dogs no fear or absolute was another big one like absolute party man or absolute uh football why can't I think guy harvey's a big florida shirt yeah if we saw you as that's all fish my stepdad's all my stepdad wears this guy harvey if we saw you as a kid it's all fucking guy harvey what's the other one though not no fear a big john's big dude if you if you were walking around in the 90s with a big john's a t-shirt you were 100% so if we saw you as a kid we would know you were a florida

kid you're telling us right now what'd you look like what were you had a boomer what about the book of shells you wear those a little bit but no I had a hemp necklace for a while during my day period we ever have frosted tips uh I did dye my hair blonde but it just came out orange but no I never did 80 years when that hit that was big for a lot of people yeah I was like 18 it wasn't as a kid but yeah yeah you mentioned Dave Matthews did you follow him on tour at all I went to like probably three concerts I love Dave I had a Dave moment I used to like listen to the fucking Dave and cry in a bunk bed you know have you ever done nitrous I have done nitrous but I didn't do it in Florida I did in New Orleans at this place they call them easy beats you go

into this record store and you go hey get some easy beats and a little cracker yeah damn it's pretty cool wow yeah remember that we used to call it hippie crack yeah it was such a stupid it's the probably the dumbest my buddy uh shut up well probably heroin or oxy but he was like a mechanic and he had a license where he could go get oh forget it the big tank so like he could go fill up like a fucking five foot tank and dude at one point like he would just like we'd be like at the ball he would like pull up when we're like dude you're just doing this on like a Tuesday like what the fuck where's that right now where's that we got appetizers coming he ain't listening I know that I mean it's just so fun to have a tank it's like your own keg it's like oh dude you roll around with

it like yo I got that I got the yeah I got the tank yeah you just keep hitting it we had one in our fraternity house oh a tank yeah of course always there was always a tank there were always outside those kind of concerts there would be one guy with a course yeah fucking five dollar balloon that acid weed fucking like acid goo balls yeah that's how goo balls they were fuck I've never done about it you just all like once my friend into Dave and fish yeah peanut butter right it's like peanut butter and acid or mushrooms or something I remember this hippie we went to a fish concert in New Orleans I was with all my fraternity friends and and this hippie came up and he's like hey man you want any goo balls they're like no and he's like man he's like and he's like almost

crying he's like the cops got my friend the cops got my friend man they they beat him up real bad and my buddy looks at him he goes you ever thought about joining a fraternity and the guy's like so fucked up he's just like like like it didn't really he's like pica baffle with lobby yeah it was so fucking great but your gpa like this yeah are you in any extracurricular activities they really like that on a resume I like these questions these like Florida redneck um have you I guess you probably put a sound system in your car of one of the cars you would think you went rims but no sound system yeah I came the tundra came with a pretty good system yeah I had a couple of good six by nines I never put a woofer in or whatever a woofer woofer

woofer woofer Wall Street uh any male family members uh uncles cousins ever have a ponytail probably not the step family step oh yeah that family did jake seemed like a big did you ever have to call the cops on anybody in the family uh there were some nights that got interesting my I don't know my mom my stepmom called the cops on my dad but then she got arrested which was pretty cool my dad came down in a t-shirt that somehow went past his knees because she stretched it was a big yeah she got arrested that's yeah it was pretty awesome and then my step brother actually used my I got a uh my my dad got me a truck uh died uh whatever anyways but my brother before I even got it drove the truck to get mushroom you just pick them up the cow shit

wow yeah you get them yourself back in the day and he got arrested cops came and for stealing mushrooms yeah because your trespassing geez and he ended up getting off but yeah but yeah no there were a few times where I got arrested a couple times okay yeah I can imagine uh I got one more anyone in your family assuming step side of the family is anyone into taxidermy well the shark got the shark yeah I guess I guess you're into it you don't remember her but what's wrong with you the nurse the nurse shark slash account yo we had a snake we had a snake my brother bought a burmese python then went to college and left the snake this you don't leave a snake wait is your brother a step brother my brother my older brother was in the you guys are the weirdest

jews I've ever met yeah this is crazy we're like redneck jews yeah which is not a mix you come by a lot dude I got arrested for speeding on a jet ski in a manatee zone that's a real what I got a I got arrested for speeding on a jet ski in a manatee zone you don't know this story it was right by foley's house we should end probably on this story it's a good story I got I got caught on like new uh it was like July 4th had some fake titty girl on the back of this jet ski I'm rolling going like 85 and a five you know no wakes on 80 I don't know there was speed limits on the ocean there is okay yeah yeah yeah so so so I get pulled over I'm hammered they don't give me a bui then they just give me a ticket they let me off what's a bui boating on the beam oh you're

you're a fucking jew no they're like no you're getting arrested so anyway so so then six months later I'm out on a date you are garbage with a stripper okay I swear to God with our landers well we believe you you don't yeah he's like I swear to God me this guy right here who just just described being a garbage I know you're not gonna believe this yeah so six months later I'm on a date with this stripper right she's gorgeous she looks like Shakira I swear to God she's like the hot she doesn't speak any English she keeps going you're so nice you know stop feeling like a compliment when it was the only word she knew and uh she's like she's what I did I'll take a useful night yes thank you so nice on the rocks and then I was like so we end up on she's the hottest honestly

one of the hottest women I've ever fucking met in my life I take her home she lives in like kind of a shitty part of Orlando and we're making out you drop ours hard Orlando not Orlando dude the more you talk the more you might be jake the snake when I start saying if you have me start talking about Florida he get down there underneath the mangrove that I said this ain't no manatees home take it down there Orlando right you know it's a hot down there I mean it's pretty cold it's pretty nice uh cold the sand Florida stinks yeah it's pretty cool uh so so so I'm dropping her off and the cop rolls behind my car and and shines fucking the light in the car gets on the speaker like yeah step out of the vehicle step out of the vehicle have her hands up and I look at her

you know tell him nice you know and uh I'm just like will you like put in a good word put in a good word and and I get out and he's like uh hands behind your back you know what the fuck he's like you have a warrant now for your arrest I'm like what am I like a what he's like were you uh and I swear you got he's laughing like he can't believe what's coming through he goes did you uh were you uh speeding on a jet ski uh in a manatees but a big titty girl with a big titty girl on big titty bra on your uh Yamaha zx 40 did you know you got a ticket for that when they wrote you up yeah but I was hammered I never paid the ticket I was living live you had a big titty bra on a fucking jet ski you know what you don't even have pockets he's got a bathing suit it's not worried

about the environment what's he gonna do with the ticket it was like an 80 60 dollar ticket and I was like can I just pay it now he's like yeah you could pay it out and I was like I don't have cash on me he's like well you're gonna I was like can we stop at an ATM I'll do it behind my back I'll do whatever you want and so then this is the bet like he I noticed his last name was like Hernandez and I was like oh you speak Spanish will you tell my beautiful like the most beautiful girl I've ever gone out with who just said I was the nicest guy can you ask her for 60 bucks can you just send up and and she ends up I go will you like you know talk to her and let her know that I'm not you know a murderer and I don't know what he said to her nothing out he that bitch she ran yeah

yeah he probably said it look I'll fuck you there's my address I won't send you back I think she was worried about getting yeah deported deported or she loved manatees I don't know what it was it was one or the other so then so then now I'm in like in the cop corn I'm like I can't believe you I'm yelling at the cop like such white privilege I'm like how could you like you know what he's like and he's like being nice you know he's like look I'll get you ahead of people I apologize I know this is an absurd reason to go to jail blah blah and you cockblocked me that's what I sweat and we were laughing about that I swear to God we were laughing about me being him being a cockblocked and I don't think he said again I'm gonna put you in the front of the line I think he was I think

when he dropped me off he's not the DMV I'll put you in the front of the line he's like oh you're Dr. Collins son it's not a table of Joe's friend yeah you're waiting sir Tuesday rolls around so they put me in I fucking went into a jail cell and I'm there with like two like badass motherfuckers and I'm all scared what'd you get what do you would that's exactly what happened they were like what's you know I killed you know I murdered a guy I fucking robbed it what did you do I was like and I wanted to lie but then I was like I couldn't think I was I was beating on a jet ski real fast should have seen me I was doing like 40 I was zooming dude you should have fucking seen me fucking pig so I was so scared I thought they were gonna rape and kill me like what a pussy

and the guy goes I swear to God to this day he goes was it a yamaha or calisthenics and I swear to God I go it was a yamaha and he goes oh that's a good ski that's a good that's a good personal water grab put the throat slitter away really let this one live if I said calisthenics boy who knows you know and that was like yeah so I mean that was a very Florida story I mean I got out the next morning but yeah it was uh it's kind of where my life was at at the time you are trash ladies and gentlemen it's your Andrew Collin you might steal the fucking you might take the take the cake for the most trashiest guest ever oh you're up there you guys are you guys are great at this by the way I'm not I'm not just trying to kiss your ass but like

this was a lot of fun thank you buddy is there anything you want the folks out there to know what you got coming up with check out the podcast yeah my podcast puddles with Andrew Collin I really just have uh women on there so if you want to jerk off to the internet go to my youtube and just look at the women that I interviewed it's pretty cool keep it classy right till the end of the show I like it it's so funny I was like when he first came in I'm like oh he's trash and then he's like I didn't and then I thought he I thought it was gonna be a nice Jewish boy and then it turns out to be a fucking redneck hillbilly from the panhandling yeah I didn't know we were walking to this this is crazy dude I got a shower uh guys make sure you write your views subscribe

on my dad after this yeah well I'm not I'm gonna try I don't think you I think you changed his number though that's don't love you uh at kevin ryan zero at kevin ryan comedy on all social media guys please make sure you rate review subscribe on itunes full video available on youtube you can get bonus episodes every week multiple episodes a week by me and h foley on patreon.com slash are you garbage we're having fun you can sign up you can support the fucking show you can help us keep the lights on pay to rent and also podcast merch go grab a t-shirt and this game should be available uh are you garbage you can play at your house with your friends it's gonna be awesome uh we love you guys uh andrew what do you got on social media uh andrew t collin on

instagram and then uh yeah everything's there very nice topster toby mcmullin everybody t t bow at toby dot mcmullin on instagram check it out excellent h foley on ice on twitter fully grams on instagram give us a follow give us a rating review the whole nine yards and come see us december 10th at sol jones me and kippy will be down there royers for great pennsylvania yeah heard i did it i did it it's great get some fucking tix seven o'clock show it's gonna be nice come down and see us peace peace