Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Andrew Santino: Chicago Kid

Episode Date: April 11, 2022

Kippy and Foley are back with Andrew Santino! Its a hot one! Thanks for listening. Love youse guys.  Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AreYouGarbage PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage https://www.MintMobile.com/GARBAGE https://www.HelixSleep.com/Garbage https://www.BlueChew.com Promo Code: GARBAGE https://www.Coinbase.com/garbage

gang quick update in the middle class famous tour we're going to be coming to the moon tower comedy festival that's austin baby taeha April 22nd and 23rd April 22nd we're going to be doing an evening with r u garbage that's our stand-up show and then we play a little a yg with the crowd yes best news is it's open to the public get your tickets links will be in the description you get them on the moon tower comedy festival website find the link get the tickets and the next night we're doing a live r u garbage podcast recording with a guest to be determined it's going to be good get your tickets that austin let's go barcos welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute

trash now here are your hosts kevin ryan and h foley hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast this is r u garbage oh yeah it's a little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find it after you're to be classy yeah or if they're just a bagel piece of trash i'm your hostage foley coming at you on a beautiful day we're out here on the left coast coming at you for a big away game here at paragon studios known as the brothel on certain edges of the sunset strip oh baby we were supposed to be doing this broadcast from our 10 000 dollar week airbnb in hollywood hills but we were kicked out this morning at 9 0 6 p.m. a.m. for more details on that check the old patreon aunt hoody is very upset she's at home back east mounting

our legal defense pulling out the big guns already talking about judge joe brown how to defend us so this guy's in fucking trouble my co-host is coming at you from right next to me he is extremely mad at he is the ceo he is my best pal in the whole wide world and if i don't tell you enough i'm sorry and i love you give it up for kj it's kevin james ryan hey gang thanks for tuning in as always please make sure you rate views subscribe on itunes full video valuable on youtube and as you know those numbers are true cooking and then obviously the greatest website of all time patreon.com slash r u garbage say it over five million hours of content on that episode on that uh that website there sign up get involved it's a good fucking time check it out and a quick shout out to our

producer extraordinaire who made this all happen in no time t-bone we love you give it up for toby mcmole and everybody what's up dudes dude i'm in the booth i feel like we just signed with water brothers we got the sophomore album ready to hit the charts dude spike up and start cutting the vocals you know what i'm saying gang we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly and i mean incredibly hot one here with us today for the first time he is an extremely funny extremely successful stand-up comedian actor in podcaster you might have seen him in but not limited to the office arrested development children's hospital mixology the league american dad the disaster artist 20 episodes of i'm dying up here curbri enthusiasm fair facts 20 episodes of

david still counting the hit show keep your mom's house come on kill tony come on conan more half hour comedy center james cordon tiger belly more what the fuck with mark maryon and of course the big dog that had cheese around here the joe rogan experience he has an amazing special out called home field advantage and of course he is the host of whiskey ginger co-host of bad friends and the big question of his mind today which i'm stumbling over is he garbage got a little bit of cash he's a good-looking kid height body on a tight little body on rolled up in a tight little whip and every time he looks at me i think he's disgusted so i don't think so but give it up for the one the only andrew santino everybody thank you guys thank you so much man i appreciate

there he is thank you for having me thanks for coming in man what happened why did we get kicked out of the old place we're gonna get into it uh yeah there's a very strict no smoking policy and uh someone we got caught got someone got caught smoking and then i was like dude no one was smoking i don't know what you're talking about we've been walking out to the street no one's smoking on the property and then i got shown a very scandalous a scandalous pick from a ring camera of that now who's that but honestly whose body could that be of your friendship circle who could that be that could be anybody that could be anybody in the greater los angeles area yeah that looks that looks like a lot of guys a lot of hollywood guys he's a big problem in the us you know what

i mean that could have just been anybody walking down the street especially here in la that looks like most hollywood actors that could be jay jillan hole for all i fucking Christian bale it looked like bale from the back bale from the bale from the back so what you're ripping heaters in the middle of the night you lied to the boys and you said i'm not smoking and they found out dude i was going to i was going to task with the guy in the chat did you lie to them did you say i wasn't smoking he claims he doesn't remember yeah well yeah if you were you were you it was years ago i don't fuck yeah so long were you drunk i might have had a couple of cocktails well then so you know that is kind of admissible in court yeah yeah you don't remember you don't know you can't prove

that to me and you can't prove that's a cigarette that could be a blow pop for all that guy fucking god bless let this man go free free this man which i had my blow pop right after the cigarette i'm not gonna lie we know give us the scoop what's the backstory on andrew santino where'd you go chicago kid chicago what's the easiest way to say all of this condensed into one my uh my dad was a cocaine addict that went to prison okay my parents got divorced before i was one my mom raised me till she met my stepdad when we were maybe i was six just you no brothers no sisters they had a kid together okay they have my sister step sister okay half half half steps yeah correct and then um uh then i've got my dad has you know i don't know nine

to twelve kids somewhere floating around really i mean we have no idea yeah there's like five that i think i know of uh and then you still talk to your dad at all sometimes me too i like that kind of relationship now but he's a clean he's clean now he got his life together but we've gone in two separate you know that song cats in the cradle of course that's about my whole life where it's like now he wants to come back in and i'm like hey i got uh i'm already my own guy yeah so we you got a couple of bucks on you yeah i don't want him to take it that's when they come sniffing back around yeah like a dog where are you at when i was an open miker yeah the commas go in the bank account i always loved you son yeah you know i was always your dad dad i knew you had it in you

get over here already my name's andra yeah whatever so he so yeah we so my mom remarried my stepdad what he'd do phenomenal dude phenomenal he's a great guy he's my dad he raised me he's the one that like taught you to fight through a football you know like chicago stuff yeah those two things that's all he taught me so you had to do shots of whiskey and knock out a bartender yeah smash a bottle over somebody's that yeah you they talked back you fucking crack talk back you get cracked and then we moved from the city of the suburbs and then i went to high school in the suburbs junior high and high school in the suburbs nice nice area real nice what did he do for a living again he was my stepdad was the uh my stepdad was the vice president of sales for turtle wax baby

but but but turtle wax let's we all want to say this about fuck turtle wax they fired my dad after like 30 some odd years of work out of nowhere just kicked him to the curb severance package i mean i mean barely what they gave him was a couple of cases of rain eggs yeah hey we went and you're gone they got it they gave him those armor all wipes fucking kick rocks no he so sheared with those things fuck turtle wax forever i've said that on every podcast and they uh they deserve it because they fire they fire my dad out of nowhere they i think the company got taken over by the kids the kids that you don't know how that always goes and they fuck it up inevitably always sure and so they and fuck them too because who's out there on a saturday using

that bullshit take it to the fuck take it to the car wash get employ america let's go so he so yeah he got kicked out of that we uh and then i left chicago or i left the midwest when i was 18 to go to arizona state university nice i'm a scholar maybe the trashiest college of 100 was always the number one party school we fight for that title like it's a proud thing yeah number one party school but now this is what the saddest part about as you people now it's actually got a little bit of rep like their business school is actually ranked okay in the nation and so now they'll do that thing with like you know we've got blah blah blah and they'll do that thing that i just did but inside you're like no this is a piece of shit it's going wild started yeah it's where uh

the dean is john taffer yeah let's shut it down the dorms got the the the frats got kicked out that's the best because the year that i was a sophomore maybe there was a porn called shane's world you can google this really shane's world did a porn live on campus and a guy was wearing whatever sigma f asu shirt and from that point forward they banned it so in my generation frats got leveled frat road disappeared because there was a car the president of the time guy named michael crow had big nazi real real nazi he kicked out all the frats he said he didn't want the kind of lifestyle to continue on the campus that's what happened to jenny and so the guys that were actually in the porno were actual college guys yeah they were actually like i i

misquoting what frat because i don't know but they were in the porn actual frat dudes and it went viral i mean it went nuts this shane's world you can look it up shane's world asu and it got and it got it got clipped and so then that was the beginning of the end they had already had all the frats had violations and all this shit but frat row was this this like it was like two cul-de-sacs on campus but right off to the side and it was like a little it was disney land for douche bag sure incredible and so then they he decided one day that it was over so then they leveled it so my generation was the last one to have it to have them i wasn't in a frat but it was wild to watch this all go down yeah that's like you crazy it was watching it was like 9-11

it was watching the tower saw i've never got where i was i remember dude i was at the cafeteria when i heard the news i watched them take the sex swing out it was brutal that's fucking were you a big student and yeah actually in high school i was not because i was you know us you know our i was a distraction to other students hyperactive rude talk talk back talking you know you get those you get those lists that they send home and so in high school i was like a c student okay and then in college i graduated with honors whoa because i went to school i went for journal journalism in english like i want i knew i wanted to be something i knew i wanted to learn entertainment and learn about all this so the so school was easy because it was shit i liked for the first time

in my life i was like this is fun i get to fuck around and learn editing and video and broadcasting i was enjoying it high school was shit because i didn't want to fucking learn any of that stuff i hated all that was it a nice high school nice area yeah it was really nice yeah a little bit of cash a little bit of cash any sports basketball till i found drugs my kind of guy then i did drugs i dropped out i quit basketball senior my coach approached me one time and was like you throwing away your life your whole life for partying and i was like i would i could make juco at best yeah and i'd bench i'd be benched at juco i had i didn't have enough skills to do anything so sports to me was like this is good for health sure i'm not gonna fucking do anything

with these this is it was miserable i was like why am i wasting i wanted to try i thought you could go all the way though he thought i was he thought that he's that's the back in our generation coach i don't know if they still are around but it's like this is the only this will shape the rest of your entire life you become a man right here right here this is where you learn life lessons no it was miserable i did and we had my school is a big school naperville is a big big suburb of chicago all right we lived in a place called woodridge which is right next door sounds pretty classy woodridge is not woodrace is the we're like the people is giving the money signed back oh yeah naperville yeah naperville's got some key they got some cash they got some cash keeping the

irs man one step behind them i like naperville has got some cash so we lived in woodridge but i couldn't go to downers growth schools because they were packed so they sent me to naperville schools which is better they're better schools but um they you know we had in my four years i think we had like seven pro athletes there you go it was nuts canis parker went to like the best female but she went to our sister high school my school had uh my class or above me had two nfl players chris brown the running back he was he was a year or two older than us justin and jay mccaron's i mean like fucking world-class athletes see look at that it could have been maybe eight if you would have stopped playing grab what your fucking junkie friend

i got out of basketball i got out of basketball and i went and i went downstairs and when you see these grown adult men showering you go home you shower at the house oh yeah i don't shower there these guys have grandfather clock arm cocks dragging on the floor your basketball team in high school yeah man these are we had adult men you wouldn't shower with them fuck no oh that must be either that must erase my little fucking irish cock yeah with these big black behemoth dicks no way it was nuts dude that's what i'm saying we had pro athletes guys that went on to play college these were there in your jersey and shorts i i just left in my warm-ups i would put back on the warm-ups back all right my dad's coming i gotta run he's here i would never shower at school i was

so afraid to have my little penis around these big adult men the announcers bringing you up like that give it up for Andrew Santino also known as egg noodle dick here comes tiny tim i don't i mean seriously these were like i don't know if you went to high school with dudes that were like that couple of hammers they were already men when we were freshmen they were men i didn't even be able to like 22 yeah we were boys it was nuts i was so afraid when i saw these guys getting naked in front of me i was like what the fuck yeah when does that kick in when do i get the upgrade when is that yeah someone's got to turn mine on so yeah i went to arizona state and then nice uh i moved out here and oh oh 607 okay oh six and then um lived in long beach on a lazy boy for like three

or four months there you go at least it was name brand name brand baby i know it was pretty it was fancy it also had the it had the it wasn't just the cranker really yeah it was me yeah it was mechanical all right the crank was really nice i like the mechanicals go after a while they don't last i know that's always you need both you need it's like a if roll down windows also should have the you know the automatic and not but i lived on that and then i moved up to culver city and i lived in a uh partitioned off dining room for four hundred dollars a month with three other guys in one bathroom damn that was hot that was my beginning years of la the struggle is real that was very real now look at you now i'm fancy rolling up on the growler i still live with three guys but that's

just that's my choice guys from the high school team yeah hi jamal hide some things you can't unsee uh let's go was so was the time in between your debt when your dad left and it was just you and your mom that was that was a rough patch well i mean it was i didn't i was too young to to remember didn't yeah i mean i remember i remember pieces of it uh you know i was like a semi latch key kid so you know like uh i would have i would go to school like i remember when did they get married and move you and you guys out of the city to the berms when i was seven years seven yeah eight years old i think i was yeah because my sister's nine years difference okay and which is strange because we you know i was out of college before she got to high school so we connected now as adults

i love seeing her but when we were young there was i didn't know anything about her she was on like a breathing she had trouble breathing as a baby so all i really remember is is giving her this breathing machine when she was that young and so that's how i see her she was my little tiny baby sister it wasn't and now we connected as adults but yeah we when i was eight we got out we went to the western suburbs because my stepdad had moved to the western suburbs when he first moved to Chicago from north carolina and he was like there's this there's this area that's nice woodridge downers grove neighborville it's like growing now it's the fucking no it's huge it's the spot well it was always kind of nicer but now neighborville has it's there's so much money there do they still live in

the same house oh yeah they'll never fucking leave those people don't leave i know i want them to get out i told them sell the house go to somewhere nice my parents my dad specifically he's falling in love with florida he's florida trashed it all the way my pet my parents my mom and stepdad are doing the same thing they're like sending me properties in florida like we might go tampa i'm like go you're talking about your proper dad no no no no when i say dad i mean stepdad okay when i say proper dad i'll say i'll say scumbag i'll say real my font my biological father not the deserter so since they still live there you i don't want you to give the name of the actual street that they live on but what is it uh did you grow up on a road an avenue a drive a place a

circle cul-de-sac but what was that like was it like third street or what was the name of the court cool courts are all right isn't that what a what a cul-de-sac i think it's court i think that's right yeah it was a cul-de-sac so it was only like four houses on our street nice did you have the basketball net out in the cul-de-sac no you know what's so funny there was a how do i say this nicely oh boy strap in t-bone get ready to add strap strap on there was a lesbian couple who had a basketball hoop in their backyard they had like ripped out a play set you know like someone had a playground okay and they moved in they ripped out this place and they put in a basketball hoop and it was fucking and i mean beautiful it was like top of the line shit

and we would go over there and they wouldn't let us fucking play what so we would wait till they would leave yeah and then we would go over there yeah no what the fuck what are they doing hey it was so weird i never saw them out there hooping on it either it was the strangest thing but so we would play there but we didn't have the hoop in the middle of the court because there was nowhere to put it like the cul-de-sac wasn't it's not big enough where and then it's on a huge hill everything would have rolled down yeah so we would sneak over there and play uh into the uh the backyard of the strap on queens what an odd choice for that for them to to have a yeah it was so weird and then we but figure a shot put or something like that

softball something yeah they had a softball in that too no but they but they yeah they didn't want us to play over there it was so i was get off my field hockey field so we would sneak over there and play but we didn't have a we didn't have a hoop never on our on our court but we'd sneak down there when we could or there was a park about a mile we would walk a mile to like a local pick up there was a pickup game park that was great nice a lot of a lot of violence who's santino santino santino is my biological yeah i never changed my name you know my stepdad tried to adopt me when i was a kid he said he was gonna like do the proper paper yeah yeah and you know it's weird as a kid i said i wanted to keep my name and my mother was livid

because you know she's like everything he's done for you yeah but my stepdad you ungrateful bastard my stepdad was like you you you know you're a young man and i'm i appreciate that you're making your own decision and then we'll talk about it when you're older and still to this day he was supportive he was a he's a really good dude but he was supportive he was like yeah you didn't want to change your name that's it's who i am yeah i just bust my ass every day to feed you clothing yeah i don't wait putting a good school meanwhile you're with the lesbian shooting oops don't they didn't teach me how to throw football well enough let's put it that way friend for me to take his name i can't get a perfect spiral every time teach me that then i'll take your name dad

greg you see this curveball it stinks that's why i'm a santino so yeah no i kept i kept the santino so santino my dad's a salient your dad's a salient and my mother's irish yeah yeah big salient guy huh he was like when i was a kid i thought he was a giant and then i became a big guy and then i was like oh he's not but he's six two but at the one time was a big dude 250 he was strong who's a big big boy yeah prison will make you strong how long did he wait for he came and went he like it was revolving door like to check in a few more times yeah pop in see the boys yeah hey fellas he's back it's me andy what's going on i think he went away he's a fruit cup i think he went away three times okay but as a kid i blacked it out sure yeah he was supposed to

get out one time this is a wild story he was supposed to get out one time and his roommate his celly was his roommate his roommate that's what we say that's what we say holy if you have family and prison you call them roommates he's not a freshman at columbia the warden's the landlord jupy rent this month i got damn supers busting my balls about digging holes in the walls his celly was on drugs and i can't remember what he said he had told me the story as a kid he told me too much for sure but he but he told me that your bedtime story yeah so there i am in the yaw smoking crack i don't know what he was on maybe let me teach you how to make hooch crack or meth or something like that god damn but he had gotten he had gotten into an argument with my dad my biological father

and they got into some kind of you know argument about uh about him tweaking out and he was like you know he's like well call the guards then or something on my dad and he's like no just shut the fuck up and they got to do a fight and the guy had a um a long pinky nail like a coke nail yeah and he cut my dad here like my he had a cut on his neck damn and then my dad heard him pretty bad really so he had to spend a little bit more time in a slammer he was like i of course he was oddly proud of it at the time he would be embarrassed to tune it up guys in prison it's pretty cool yeah in the moment you're proud he beat the shit he beat him he beat him bad enough to give him another like six months or something like that damn and he probably just didn't stop yeah and i don't think

he did it anytime in the hole for sure yeah solitary was normal when you get into fights i think they do yeah they pretty quickly put you inside don't put you with another guy you're about to beat the how about this guy you want to fight this guy too hey he played nice with this one so he killed the other guy but he was a rough neck kip let's talk about mint mobile baby mint mobile one of the best in the biz mint mobile mint mobile mint mobile let me ask you a question bozo what's that big guy is that if you're trying to save money in all these different areas of your life in 2022 yeah trying to get it together why are you still paying outrageous prices for phone service because i'm a bozo and i want to stop being a bozo 15 a month baby what are we doing

yeah for people looking for extra savings this year mint mobile offers premium wireless for just 15 beans a month baby by going online uh only in eliminating the traditional costs the retail mint mobile passes significant savings on to you so you choose what you do with that extra money all plans come with unlimited talk tax and high-speed data delivered directly delivered on nation's largest 5g network switched to mint mobile and get premium wireless service starting at just 15 bucks a month to get your new wireless plan for 15 bucks a month and get that plan shipped to your door for free go to mintmobile.com slash garbage that's mintmobile.com slash garbage cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month mintmobile.com slash garbage do it yeah

helix helix helix baby let's talk about helix love that helix yes sir gang why are you still going to match your stores and buying beds off of bozos that probably got bed bugs and stuff like that in them probably boogers all over the place you go to helix sleep.com take a two three minute quiz two three minutes two three minutes find out how you like to sleep do you sleep hot do you sleep cold do you sleep big it doesn't matter they got your cupboard take the quiz and get a mattress yeah the good folks at helix were nice enough to uh send me and my lady friend aka wife uh a mattress we took the two-minute sleep quiz we got signed up for the twilight mattress and it's a homerun best sleep of my life it's my first adult mattress if you're

out there and you're a bozo you're sleeping in a race car bed step you're fucking game up will you let's go uh so if you're looking for a mattress take the quiz it's easy peasy helix sleep.com slash garbage take the two-minute sleep quiz they'll match you with a customized mattress they'll give you the best sleep of your life 10-year warranty you get to try it out for 100 nights or it's free they'll even pick it up if you don't love it but i'm giving the kippy sample approval you're gonna love this thing helix is offering up to 200 dollars off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners at helix sleep.com slash garbage one more time helix sleep.com slash garbage go but he grew up like that they grew up him and his brothers i mean the you know

my grandfather you want to tell i will get into the threshing my my grandfather till the day he died which was a year and a half ago worked at the dog track and the horse track holy where's her dog tracks i thought they got rid of that well this the last one was maywood dog track in chicago it's gone now it's damn but arlington is the horse track maywood is the dog what did he do there he was a taker he was at the window because when he was a kid he was a numbers runner for the mob nice that was his game that was his more generational dirt bag 100 yeah so he and he lost i think he lost my grandmother's house like three times from gambling guys the guy put in the back though he's gonna walk away from the table on a he was the fucking man but he was that he loved

gambling he was his vice i mean to a degree that was absurd he would spend all his paycheck money at the track so he'd work and this is your dad's dad or your mom's dad my dad's dad yeah yeah the but this is all the sicilian side damn that's all the italianos yeah so he would work at the track you and and i'd go as a kid but i loved it like they had boxing nights i used to love it like monday nights were like amateur boxing nights this is local idiots from local fucking going to local guys who hang sheetrock punching each other just getting brain damage yeah it's funny because you're only what 38 or something like that yeah you're describing a childhood from the 1970s i know or 20s yeah i was so i took the street i had to run the numbers yeah i mean we did we we had

nights i mean i because my dad lived that like street lifestyle i kind of got to see that that world as a young kid it was kind of wild it was you know and he was also he was a people guy he was a a contractor and he would contract in the worst neighborhoods and they loved him he would go to the worst neighborhoods because he knew like they also have money and no one was going there but he would go like i to his credit he robbed their house but still yeah 100 plus his plug was over that way too he gotta take yeah are you on your way yes i've got a job to do i'll be right back andrew four hours later were you a fighter growing up at any scuffles was the last time you got into a fight fist fight not since i was in college okay i learned my lesson my uh we've beaten

up shane for nailing your girl yeah you didn't have to record it dude come on when i was a little kid i got kicked out of um i got kicked out of a catholic school you seem to have a bit of an edge to you yeah it came to it hot temper i imagine they called me slugger santino what because i hit i hit a couple of kids i got kicked out of catholic school and then i got kicked out of a daycare a daycare how old were you a little baby i was fine i like i just would i got violence running numbers would they get you for the biggest 20 bitch i got 30 says brian shits his diaper i don't care who your brother is all right so i was fighting as a little kid i used to love fighting with people that was my favorite shit well because it was defense mechanism i was i was angry people talk

shit they'd make fun of you i'd immediately hit them then when you learn your words for the chair how you learn your words yeah then you leveled out but i haven't fought since i was in in college i the last fight you get into you know why it's your last sure you know how it feels yeah we were punching the fucking even if you win you're on the couch the next day everything hurts you've always lost every fight of course even if you got the better of the dude you lost anyway yeah your face is sucked up you feel like shit you like you're physically worn out and you're like i didn't even i didn't even start that the guilt the shame comes in hangover sucks the shock of being punched in the face every human being should experience once yeah i think everyone should get by there's

a couple of people i know alex and there should get punched you should everyone should do it on the patreon yeah let's do it patreon.com switch over now switch dump it no i think i think everyone should the war but the worst i got we got jumped in college a bunch of us got outnumbered i got kicked in the head i know that i'm kind of beginning of the gang fight you know what it was it was like a bro frat this guy comes out of this house yeah man it was nuts it was like a total disadvantage for no reason my buddy was actually doing the right thing this guy was fucked up and he almost hit this girl with his car in an apartment complex he's pulling out he almost hit this girl my buddy's yelling at this guy and we've been drinking too much so they get into it but little do we know

he's got a whole gang of people that come out they hear this scuffle they come out we were done we're fucked but i got punched and then i got kicked and that was like the last time i think after that i was like i'm not gonna do this anymore i'd never run yeah i'm hanging them up like that's it for me my neck is in a brace you're taking off the batman cowl yeah i can't do it i can't do it i'm done alfred yeah so after that you i learned you know and then when you see adults talk shit and you're just like it's ridiculous both of us don't want to do this oh are you not i just want to be like let's get to the point where we both just walk away yeah we're not gonna do this when i see those videos of like some drunk dad coming out of like a giant's game running his mouth to some vikings

fan he's got like a five-year-old kid with them then one thing leaves you another and he's getting knocked out in front of his kid yeah that's a tough i mean you see it you see it here a lot i mean back in the you know the dodger stadium they put that kid from san francisco into a coma yeah but i remember when i first started going to dodgers games out here and you could you know you could only afford either the way way way ups or the bleachers which is the favorite for fighters i mean that's they're fucking that's they fighting loves the bleachers yeah nobody's fighting in a club box you know what i mean there's not like free hamburgers like you that's my filet mignon yeah the sweetest meatballs here what are you doing you would see so many fights at dodger stadium back

in the day oh of course and it was always so daunting because you're like this is just someone said one wrong thing and sometimes you see a dodger guy fighting another dodger guy like the booby dodgers you're like same team dude what's the deal and you know it's just because some guy talked shit stepped on it yeah something stupid or whatever he's like you shut up bitch or whatever it's like i saw it so much you're like i can't believe adults are still getting into it but it's also because too much booze oh yeah when you're when you're liquored up dude you there's nothing you could see you could walk up and call my mom a dumb bitch and i would be like if i was sober i'd be like yeah maybe she deserved it i don't fucking you know what i mean but like if i'm drunk

i'm like that's fucking good i got a couple saw the omblong swimming yeah you know you get saucy on the camps get the back you know what i'm saying that's your mom uh let's have a fan do that let's put that on patreon and see what happens this guy this guy's a thinker over here let's see what happens let's let's go back a little bit go back to your childhood what was the name of the grocery store that your mom went to joule joule gotta go to joules yeah you gotta go to joule lasco respect back in his damn beowitt gotta go to actually uh oh dude sarin getty got out wow dude i used i used that music as my intro music for my special favorite actor denny yeah that's right favorite drink adults bears toby turned us on to that when we went to chicago for the first time

last year the best which the then we did then did two things for a straight week we talked like sebastian man of scotland the entire time that we were there and we quoted that song yeah and every time we drove by jules back into beowing and we'll be back may 11th and 12th zeny's check it out zeny's downtown no we're doing both i've never been down out to rosemont this is our first time too yeah i've only known downtown and then because rosemont is i guess relatively new i'd been gone for so long it didn't matter and i didn't start in chicago anyway people are always like oh you're from chicago i started out here when i left college i went right here because if i went back home i would have never left home i would have never left chicago yes all my comforts were there but i started

out here but back when i would go back when i was a young comic you know burt would let me do like little nuggets during the week at zeny's with other comics but that downtown room was so hard when it was other other chicago comics because i was not a towner yeah it's like i'm from there fish out of water right right it was so wild but i love that old little shitty straight everybody thought you were a cop when he came back that's what they say used to be a fucking cabaret titty bar show or whatever and then then they bought it out and turned it into a nightclub and then a bar and then the comedy club but i loved i always love fucking zeny but um what did you say you said what take it back to what is it oh jules jules jules you got jules um dominix rest in peace all right

p dominix is gone it got taken over by a new fancy chain called mariano's you guys know about this no mariano's a lot of turtle mariano's mariano's is like the it's like the fancy it's like midwest it would be like the midwest version of uh whole foods well we have gelsons out here do you know what that is that's like super classy right it's an overpriced growth what is it in new york and you guys have a um whole foods is kind of top yeah but whole foods is everywhere you guys z bars is pretty expensive z bars is like yeah but there's not that many others only like you know a couple of those yeah but i know what you mean oh what there is an italian one an italian mark it's like it's like one notch up where you're like why is that what are we doing here why is that why is pasta why is

pasta is that are we talking about no i know that no i know that but it's like that's what that's what mariano's has become now but jul is still around but we were always julasco or nice for the longest time there you go julasco dude a chicago accident i'm all bored we're gonna be talking in chicago the whole way to la joya we're just gonna be done gotta go to joseph and the deep dish pizza yes but as always an asterisk by it uh i think tavern style is better we this is always a long argument style tavern style is the best when it comes to pizza you gotta go tavern tavern gotta have your square cut i like an old world pie if you ask chicago people about pizza we never say deep dish right there's a weird bullshit lie that like i love it but we have it once a year yeah

it's a fucking it's you know i i don't even know how to describe for us it's like a it's a thing we do because it's culturally a thing sure sure families like to be like what if we get a lose and you're like yeah that's a fun you know it's like going bowling you're like yeah i get a little bowling let me go for 10 minutes yeah it's fine but no it's different and philly because everything you heard about the cheesesteak is 100 true we eat them breakfast lunch and dinner fucking lopam for sure i do love those whatever i go there i do eat that bullshit but we have italian beef which is my yes we've been the portillo's okay italian beef to me is the ultimate chicago food okay because i don't know anybody that doesn't like italian sausage or

a time i used to get the combo when i was a kid which is fantastic sausage inside beef on top damn yeah he comes to play yeah i fall asleep after now i can't have that shit all right let's hit him with some cues all right and what was uh family vacation like growing up we almost never took them really i mean it's seriously i got to take vacations with like other families oh you were that kid that's a bad look same thing though ladies are taking it with them like i would we would take it i my friend heather we too we drove to florida i think we did that twice what with her family mm-hmm yeah yeah you drove to florida from chicago with another family oh yeah oh a lot of chicago people florida was our california that's our california you fly like a gentleman

no thank you i don't think no thank you that's true no thank you florida was our california that's our fancy place yeah i think florida was your florida if we did any vacation we did um it was always like we'd go to see my dad's family in north carolina uh we would go to wisconsin to the dels what's the dels we heard about that from some of the dels it's like or we'd go up to one of the lakes up up in wisconsin we'd go to geneva or my grandmother's family had a house that they would rent the same house from a family friend a place called lake delavan lake delavan is like the dumpy little tiny bullshit lake that they don't and they don't they don't whack the seaweed so like you know you're always getting tangled up a couple of

kids drown every year here in the lobby of the great lake yeah that's real yeah so we'd go up to wisconsin we didn't take we didn't really take no disney world nothing like that did for my little sister when my little sister was old enough we took her to disney land world sorry florida never went out how old were you it's what were you 18 yeah 32 i think i think we took her when she was six or seven or something like that all right so then i was nine years old i was 15 when you went on vacation with heathers family yeah well you guys were they staying at a hotel or were they staying at another relative no we stayed in a we stayed in a rental house a rental rental house yeah always we ever thought now for smoking in the driveway i was allegedly yeah yeah those pictures

went out of me uh what how old were you when you got your passport oh man college oh college oh college because i went to uh london when i was a junior study abroad or just went exchange what couldn't afford study abroad wait a minute this is a first you were an exchange you were the weird guy i lived with the locals yeah because we could the study abroad program was like so much money yeah to put yourself on my old man was like we're definitely not paying for that shit so i said okay what if i what if i get an exchange program the only exchange that had my sister school like in london that i could do a true exchange in that study abroad was a place called university of sussex in brighton shout out shout out to brighton shout out to the dock workers try uni sussex uni

and so i lived with all brits all brits a german kid and a swedish girl lived in a wow in a in a flat with you know six people it was four girls and me and this other weirdo german kid god konrad yikes he seems like a white Hitler youth all the way dude in the middle of the night i'd see him goose stepping while i was sleeping but i was in exchange right yeah because it was you better be doing yoga in there like i'm trying to get some sleep study abroad was too expensive so i did i did that yeah i did you didn't move in with a family over there no you lived with students in their dorms okay like in and it was just you was a rotating the flats were these rotating like two other guys were same thing were exchanged from one kid was in exchange from another european country one kid

was from fucking northern canada so it just was like this rotating exchange you did but i actually fucking loved it too yeah it's a good time especially that age fell in love with a british girl yeah i like fell in love with the brit don't get yeah all right first car uh was it out here no it was out no no it was my mom's a gift my dad had bought for my mom i drove a 1985 325 ebm w two really it was her it was the it was the first it okay yeah you know that was back then when you could be in sales and make like an okay living sure but yeah no it was how many years after your mom had it did you get it i got it when i was 17 17 i think i was really so what you know yeah it was it was a year it was two years younger than me zippin around the

summer of chicago on a beamer yeah 325 it's all right what color are we talking blue blue a beautiful blue it was like a blue gray i still love that car i'd buy that car again you know norman bought norman rebought yeah yeah 2002 i think that old mercedes no beamer beamer old 2002 because he's got that same affinity for those things but that's what rappers are doing now like you know like older rappers that like they came up in like the early 2000s they're all going out and buying those old like so cool those old fucking you know 550s and shit like that with a big body on i think that that that was it was a gift that my dad had bought for my mom and it was in pretty good condition because then she had gotten another car but i drove that man for that's all right two years and then

i went to college you remember when he gave it to her to do the surprise with the bow in the front yard no because i was young when he had given it to her i was like a little yeah no no we were in the city oh wow when they got it we were living downtown and then we had taken it out to the suburbs yeah he was fancy it was a fancy little gift i'm sure back the whole house about that it was like six grand yeah it used to be mad jeep back yeah coinbase coinbase dot com ladies and gentlemen coinbase what's that that's where you combine cell cryptocurrency like me that's what i'm talking about i'm trying to get my life together i'm trying to get things saved up for the future and coinbase is where you want to go a trusted source to be doing your crypto trading and

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over there sign up sign up at coinbase.com slash garbage for $10 of free bitcoin this offers for a limited time only be sure to sign up today that's coinbase.com slash garbage do it yeah gang let's talk about blue chew blue chew blue chew i ain't talking red chew i ain't talking yellow chew i'm talking blue chew baby yes sir gang time to get off the couch and get back to work and i think you know what i'm talking about because spring is sprung and the love is in the air and who couldn't use a little help i know i can big man needs it best part it's all done online so no visits to the doctor's office no awkward conversations no waiting line in the pharmacy blue chew is unique online service delivers the same active active ingredients as viagra and cialis but in a chewable tablets

at a fraction of the cost you can take them any time day or night so you can plan ahead or be ready whenever the opportunity arises you're saving money while you're knocking boots what are we doing so if you could benefit from the extra confidence when it's time to perform blue chew can help and we have a special deal for our listeners try blue chew free when you use our promo code garbage at checkout just pay five bucks for shipping that's blue chew dot com use promo code garbage to perceive your first month free visit blue chew dot com for more details important safety information and we thank blue chew for sponsoring this podcast now back to the show back to the show ever been magnet fishing no but i love watching those videos so good so but i know they're never

gonna find anything legit no but i still want to watch it i also got our bubble burst a little bit say fake sometimes when they do find cool stuff they fake yeah welcome to hollywood no i never been but i pull a shit new york but i want to go noodling that's what i really do this thing yeah i want to go yeah let's fucking go my dad my dad's from the south and he's like it's so much fun and i was like we got to go i want to put my hand in the hole and find out what that's so scary dude i wouldn't even step in that river get the fuck really what you pussies get in there i'm in did you edit on a lake when you were kids yes big lake you told my feet touched the ground and i freaked out so you're pay you're that guy oh man i love freaks i love creepy water let's go

what's gonna happen really it's the rush it could be a gator or something down there no there won't be though that's the thing there won't be i'd let this guy's making you know what i mean they're just won't be how many kids you know get eaten by gators exactly here's what it really is a couple of guys these psychos out here they get bit by sharks every fucking year i'm more fucked up about the ocean lakes and rivers don't bother me it's just it heals and slimy things eels where where amazon what the fuck no okay the most you get like a water moccasin you get a fucking bullshit snake it's not gonna do when you see them cooking across the water that is fucking it's fun you learn how to swim rubbing a good time oh it's closing up no big deal that's what you that's

someone suck the venom that's how you learn as a kid how to how to fuck with your friend that's lakes and rivers that never freaked me out really we used to do um we used to put up in the shitty river we put up chicken wire because it was run it would run off from the we put up oh wait wait wait dude because it would you trying to dry out the competition you're jamming up the river they were building the resort down the street it was a golf course the golf course was up the road and all the idiots that would hit balls into the water it come all the way down the river and we chicken wire it then we get the balls clean them go ride our bikes up and sell them back to the golfers are the fence are you kidding me yeah it was genius my buddy even said that he goes

look at all those golf balls by the rocks and it was a net it was disgusting a river runoff and so i was like let's go get him we jumped in and got him and then he was like we should just put something up to stop all these golf balls so we went to fucking home depot got chicken wire put it up we should kept kick golf balls we'd ride him bike on him on the back of our bikes on fucking pegs he would hold a bucket shout out the pegs peg peg life and then we go clean him and sell him back to him for a dollar of balls that's how we made a pony start i know back your friend's got to be a billionaire now right yeah multi multi multi yeah are you being serious he really is no but actually no we still know you know what's funny he got shot in front of the jewels he is

extremely successful he's there you go that's an odd that's a that's a smart designer for nike he works for nike now he's like a fucking high-end dude at nike i just saw him i just ran into him i just want to stole the balls and smash windows we did that too we broke a lot of we broke a lot of balls that's called overhead right there um favor flavor of gatorade lem lime old school original original in fact you know they brought back the cans you can buy them in the can now very nice were you a gatorade gum guy growing up fuck no get out really talking about it lasted two seconds it ran out of flavor immediately i wanted to like it i would buy it all so well no i'm talking i'm talking big big league chew all day sure i was a big chew guy have a bubble

tape how fuck was some bubble tape but you i put the whole thing in my mouth it's like it's nice to get that last job yeah you eat the last chunk uh-huh no so i couldn't i could i didn't like a gatorade gum because i just think it was it was you got a little gatorade flavor and then it gets tough yeah fuck that no it wasn't good here's a deep cut what about the razzle did you like the razzle what's the razzle candy that turned into gum the little jones like that no you even got a picture i don't i don't remember i don't even know he knows candy that no one else is seeing but i he's like a test market they would call him and be like hey we got this new shit how about you know the bazoo you know the bazoo i don't know what that is no i never had i never had it but i

didn't like i didn't like i never liked blowpops i never liked the sucker with gum in it because that also that gum was bullshit it was sticky would stick to your teeth it wasn't chewable gum it was like uh it would just get stuck in the crevice yeah i did like them huh tootsie pop man i'll fuck with a tootsie pop that's fine but i'd rather just have a tootsie roll on its own this guy sounds anti lollipop i don't know if i like this he sounds like kami talk to me let me tell you something you with a lollipop in your mouth and me without one look who looks better you know i mean you sucking away with a stick hanging out of your mouth and me just looking like a regular guy not doing that just eating a tootsie roll you dead the right i think i think i win but i do love that

that was a picture of you with a sucker fuck that airbnb thank you buddy that cox has already has a list of tonight too by the way i looked everywhere and be airbnb's and that one rented again rented again i wanted to i wanted to mess and be like hey man big you know in town for the night yeah just just one just one night that's all i need have you had mountain dew in the last 365 days in a year yeah for sure i gotta okay on the road i'm sure i you're a soda guy you still do a soda yeah you know what you keep it pretty tight yeah but but i go through big waves i've always like a coke in a bottle is unfucking beatable good man you know i drink diet coke i do this for the for the idea that i don't have this sugar it's bullshit but coke in a bottle when i have pizza

when i have popcorn a burger i won't not have a coke i used to think i could get away from it i'll never not have a coke for the rest of my life that's why i got us what's i'm gonna go to the gym so i can have a coke what's on the pizza will you do a hawaiian are you out of your fucking head hit him so i think i think people that put a fucking pineapple on a pizza i mean it's beyond not it's not even a joke anymore it's like disgusting so we are repulsive disgusting behavior and the places that carry pineapple shame on you dude get a fucking friend i didn't graduate the bottom of my class at arizona state to be treated like this this guy they brought it here you insult me i didn't go to sun w and catch a couple of sestides i'm talking either i like i

really love pep is old school i pep is my go to but gentlemen's move italian sausage with peppers and or onions sure mushrooms i'll fuck with two but i don't like too much shit on my pizza then it weighs it down it makes it annoying did you have a go to frozen pizza growing up as a kid yeah you know i mean honestly this might be a little fancy here we go but but if we were going to get frozen which we never really did because we would just order pizza from the street sure i i really love those stoffers french bread pizza buddy fuck me and that was a little fancy there's a little that's a tent pole and a little fancy but stoffers french bread i'll still get that i texted that i i tweeted i tweeted them one time and i said it took me 30 years to figure out

what why it had that you know what the flavor that's a little it's the fennel seeds they have little fennel seeds and that's like that little nugget of a ride yeah a little bit of difference in there and so stoffers to this day feels like an aristocrat those things they're individually sleeved okay so here's what it is though did you guys cook them and then cut them or was it cook them and eat it whole eat it whole okay right see i would go over to french houses and their mom would cut cut it and i was annoyed yeah then it was like why you're not eating a slice of pizza i'm just having a couple of nits it's a fucking get me my lover let's go what are we at a wedding let me my oh yeah that was my that was probably my go to if my mom bought those i was

like fuck yeah we have fucking french bread pizza and they were all right because if we because for us probably you guys too is the same thing if you want a pizza my mom quick to order pizza she said oh i don't have to cook you fucking idiots oh 100% friday or pizza mate fantastic magazines in the bathroom now or as a kid now oh now it's uh now it's like bullshit i have a woman that lives with me so it's like gross yeah this guy so no playgrounds i'd imagine no so it's a lot of like hustler tasteful stuff she likes to rough stuff be uh uh squirty beaver there's a lot of squirty no when we were when we were kids it was sports illustrated okay me yeah from like 1922 and that was me and that was me as a kid it was uh sports illustrated and then i'd sneak

into victoria secret that i would steal from my mom oh yeah and then one time my dad was like to comb your hair with yeah but that was like why is there a bunch of mom's victoria secrets in your bathroom and like what what are those doing in there i don't even the male fucking male man you know that guys we should fire him if you can fire him dad can we change routes yeah but no yes sports illustrated forever it was stacked to the ceiling and i and i was obsessed did you ever get anything from them do you ever get the football phone or the windbreaker out of your mind that's i mean one of my favorite tapes to this very day was uh the greatest bloopers in baseball from bloopers illustrated and i had and i would i looped that tape for hours and hours on it and it was all

footage of like guys having a home run bounce off their fucking head or they did like a whole piece about joseo kendo who was the greatest utility player at the time like i i almost remembered if you put that tape and i could probably recite it back to you but i got everything from there and i was a marlboro miles kid because my my real dad hit me yeah so i had jackets i had beanies sleeping bag marlboro i didn't get the fucking bag it was way too many points my boy had he showed up to a fucking sleepover in sixth grade with the marlboro bag we were like whoa that guy's a hot shot that guy's and that and then whoever gave him those points is beyond oh yeah 25 years ago they were menthols too yeah my my real dad and every woman he ever dated

or married again just always smoke and so i would literally be like you have to collect those for me and when i would go see my dad he'd have zip lock bags yeah that catalog was fun to go so amazing that's a tough look if that's the connection between you and your dad yeah i got as many as i could i was like that's not enough gotta do more did i earn your love boy um have you had poison ivy as an adult no but as a child constantly all the time i had it all the fucking time actually no that's not true that's not true i had poison ivy got it on my leg searching for a golf ball that's you know that's i'll give it to you are you trying to sell the golf ball or no i should have just to pay for the medical bills uh any any allergies no you know what's so funny i don't

i don't think so but i've never tested for them so if i have something that makes me sick i'll just probably eat it again another in a couple months i don't have any i mean i'm uh i i there's things that like raw tomato makes me nauseous really yeah cook tomato i love yeah same but a raw tomato like if it's on something i'll i'll do that really i just made me feel that no tomato on the sandwich raw tomato is so it's mushy wet wet it ruins everything around it look what it does to the bread look what it does yeah but when the tomato mixes in with the male that's where it's all that's what it's all about what what why but why i don't know i don't need it because i'm a fat piece of shit yeah but cook tomato home run stewed tomatoes stewed tomatoes

sun dried cooked sundries are all right little tiny like um little tiny romans but any of that you put some heat to it perfect raw it's shit it's a shit it's shit it's kind of a gentleman fruit do you want a tuxedo no fuck no you know i barely got a couple of suits wait what's your suits situation what's that rundown i only i i get a suit every time somebody dies or gets married yeah i've got four okay i've got four suits now but i literally started from are they fancy i mean one of them well two of them are uh my my childhood best friend you had to buy you know they set it up for you at joseph a bank so you had to go and get the suit that they because it's so much for nice for the wedding yeah yeah yeah okay for the funeral my great guy yeah same guy same guy

two weeks later this guy died made me buy a suit again one of another fucking suit hey Andrew that's a sweet purple vest you got it i only got it like steve harvey and i never had a suit for anything hollywood because you never i never had to have a suit for that so i never bought anything until fancy weddings because forever i would just wear a sport coat my dad i would give one of my dad's i would go home grab a sport coat yeah and go to a wedding or because all the weddings for me were always people don't get married out here everyone out here is a bad person so i would just have to go i'd be back in chicago is where i'd go but i have four suits now but they're i mean they're hugo hugo boss all right it's nice what's the most expensive piece of clothing you own

would you know to the top of your head thousand dollar jeans shoes no fuck no i don't like that kicks kid i have a lot of kicks but those were i bought them years ago and they were all you know like jordan's i used to love sure uh but i think the most expensive thing in my closet probably is that's a suit okay probably gotta be a suit because those suits are like a thousand eight hundred dollars yeah how many pairs of dress shoes do you have three and i have one very nice pair of dress shoes that's right yeah i have ferragamos i have a nice pair of ferragamos yeah what about uh what about uh i used to love i used to love watches i have them and i never wear them anymore but i've got you got a paddock no no can you believe no what if i know i've got uh he doesn't

know what that is by the way yeah i heard it in a drink so protect sleep no i you know i've always wanted an otomar an ap i would love that to me if i made enough money i probably still wouldn't buy it but i think otomar is the nicest i've got a brightling i've got a um i've got a long got a rolly long jean i don't like rolex you got a long jean yeah i have a long jean and i have a brightling i got a short jean nothing but i don't i rarely wear them their watches that i kind of bought as like i bought my first i bought a brightling uh when i got my first sitcom that was the next question gift to myself yeah what was the first big thing or anything any purchase you kind of regret when you're like you might not even had it but you got a check and you're like i'm so

cheap dude i was cheap you know i've been cheap my whole life i've never i never bought anything for the i bought my parents the the first the first check i got uh period but way before the sitcom like the first check i got i bought my parents an iMac desktop computer okay and because they had had a computer for fucking 20 years and i brought it home for christmas and i thought i'm gonna be the bell of the ball like they're gonna sell they're gonna fucking put a statue of me in the front how much was the check the check was for six grand okay yeah spent half it on computer yeah like a fucking didn't even think about that yeah so i but i brought the iMac home and my dad my dad uh my dad opens it up my mom was like wow an apple you know because it was like holy

shit and my dad was like where's the base you know where's the floor part i was like no it's in the thing and he's like yeah right there's no power this thing i gotta start he was literally like what else do we gotta buy yeah go get me a dell it was so annoying he hated it he might have never used it once really my mom used it yeah yeah guys old school i like it that was the first that was the first gift but i never bought anything i've never done the nothing reckless jet skis no man honestly i've never bought and i'm not i'm so cheap i was so worried it's all i'm so worried that i'm never gonna have it again sure because i started with such little money right like i got you no money so i was always like oh man you got some investments cooking now you diversify a little

bit it's all gone yeah i don't even see it all the money goes into a fucking savings thing the only the most expensive thing i've bought is my car my Nissan cube okay that's my that's my you you guys heard the cube outside you heard the cube i believe you for a second it took me a second the cube is outside i was like maybe nissan came out with a really cool new one other stop making him in 2012 and god bless rest in peace because you know i love the cube and my nissan folks no shout out to nissan cube the greatest car that's ever all my money goes to my miata dirt bag too busy with my cyan pretty classy guy here not bad i got some trash in there what kind of air freshener you got in the car no air freshener don't believe in it really i can't do

it you get in the car detailed when you get a wash you just get in the regular run through regular wash in fact inside and out you want to schedule only outside only what only outside who cleans the inside me oh you eat the car saturday never eating the car ever smoking the car no anything like that goes in my wife's car nice should we bought her a jeep that's kind of like our the knock around okay you can do whatever you want in that thing really in my in my fucking nissan cube you don't there's no eating in the car absolutely not damn absolutely in fact i'm picky about who i'm totally a tardo of you i don't think you'd make the list big yeah certain people that wouldn't be able to get in the car certain people in this room just wouldn't be able to get in the car

sometimes a round peg doesn't fit in a cube you know and we're gonna figure out who that is right after these words yeah no eating in the car no fucking way this guy's pretty classy i like that's my that's my um my cars the cars are the only thing i love and so that's the only thing i ever paid attention to was like keeping a car nice because when i was young when i first moved out here i couldn't afford i had a hunday sonata was the first car i bought and i was like i'm gonna work hard enough and every year i upgraded a car i would like sell it get a new car sell it get a new car like my first car that had a little bit of cash a well i had a i had a Subaru wrx because i love i like speed and i was like this is a fun cooler you would have to rock a guy you put blue no i

never touched i never touched it because i didn't know what i was doing what color are we talking black black jet black one's nice with the red trim and red red brakes i that was that was like the best car i thought i ever was that a stick yeah is this a stick you have now no that you can't get these things in stick okay the cubes you got a special order the cubes if you want it i got to know a guy but i had to plan pt cruiser with a stick the stick and wheels the stick is up here it's a huge not no i yeah no i i wish i wish more cars still made fucking stick any uh any runaways or anybody missing from the family growing up mentally yeah a lot of people that are missing have them a check out no no runaway well no we got my family's so big my mom's one of 10 kids so

like yeah my mom's one of nine yeah i'm the same way damn it's crazy that's irish there's a lot of people that just went away that we don't see anymore okay that like they kind of probably got sick of the family and they were like fuck this anybody on the local news in chicago for any reason growing up probably probably yeah yeah and i can't be disclosed here on this hey fat boy keep it moving i've got i've got i've had a few yeah we've had a few unfortunates in our family but also fortune it's you know it's uh it's for them to tell of course that's a tough one of course uh that shows class right there yeah most people be chomping at the bit yeah but that's like old school chicago dirtbag i don't talk outside of school you know we don't we don't need to give them

a hand in our business i'll let my attorney tell you what they need to tell you you can home your dad's yell now what the fuck you talking about you're out there on the pocket what's the matter with you garbage i'm like you watch the show i love that show hey dad that's patreon uh anyone in your family live on a houseboat for any period of time oh no but my uncle used to own a uh a pontoon which i thought that's that was to me that's a good time the closest we could get to boats when people were like oh you guys have a boat i'm like well cuz got a pontoon boat we can fit the whole fucking neighborhood on it they're literally called party boats yeah they're party boats when you're one of ten when it when you have one of ten kids and everybody all the brothers sisters have

kids you can't buy a fucking boat yeah you have to buy something every weekend yeah we had a same thing my my uncle my mom's brother had a pontoon boat i think like 60 people go out drinking party and speed boats are fun for like 15 minutes and then they're annoying you can't hear anything yeah then talk yeah pontoons it never starts it never stops it's a it's a continuation of you walk out of the dock you're still on a dock getting drunk and peeing in the lake that's a saturday right well if you ever pooped in a lake no of you yeah i pooped in a lake why cuz i was having so much fun i didn't want to get out you're joking no i pooped in that lake i pooped in lake dollavan shout out the lake dollavan how old were you pooped in that lake 20 20 would you swim over no i was probably

honestly i was probably 12 or 13 and you swim over your poop and then you swim we were already out there i had a shit what if it came back and floated around the river i can understand oh lakes have a tide too my friend lakes have tides too and they smell like shit yeah well this lake already stunk like shit that's just the seaweed lake that i was talking about and they never so that was the thing like the nicer lakes they carve the seaweed in the season right so then it they get rid of it that they do the carve it and they have a boat come net it out and get it out but this seaweed throughout the whole fucking thing and sometimes it would grow all the way up yeah so it's like at the oh dude everywhere you'd step all that freaks you out i love it get those

icky cuz i would you'd fuck with the kid cousins we'd fuck with the younger ones oh yeah of course there's snakes under the water and like yeah there's snakes and you grab one and fuck with them did somebody shit in here what's that brown snake what is that ever been to an air show absolutely well the air and water show in chicago is probably one of the greatest shows i've ever seen that's where the blue angels fly have you ever seen that of course god bless god bless have you ever seen the crash in an air show nah i wish i'm not lucky enough that's like a hole in one i've never seen one of those either great answer i want both have you ever worn pants that zip into shorts 100% whoa well well that's not true that's not true pants that tear away

i've worn tearaways that oh no no i've worn uh oh yeah yeah yeah yeah hiking fucking pants yeah yeah i've worn those before but in the appropriate venue okay i'm not wearing those i'll wear them to the store to get lunch no do you go hiking sometimes yeah i'm not really that guy you have a gym membership uh kind of elaborate you ready for the classy i i love golf it's like my favorite thing okay so i joined a golf club remember hold on a second stop the presses we talking public private semi-private what are we doing you're a member of a country club but no it's a golf club big difference why country clubs are for families with pools and kids this is just a golf course we are exclusive for golfers okay you can't your clubhouse can we go have lunch

you can't i can as a member i can yeah i can go with the guest policy situation i can bring a guest page they always say i can bring one of two guests uh can you smoke on the premises you certainly fucking can okay you could it's a golf it's a men's club so to speak it's nice it's a golf club uh eat those broads out of your hair that's pretty no no no nothing like that we let the ladies no but it's a for an hour on sunday traditional golf course it's just to do the cooking yeah clean up and get out no i it's so it's a golf course that has a gym at it but it's it's only golf you can't join unless you play golf so like that's pretty nice you can just join a country club for the amenities sure there's one in your neighborhood the pool the fucking right you guys have a club

you can have lunch there you can do this you can do that yeah but it's but it is you got you're there for golfing what are you shooting nowadays there mr sandia five point two index five two index so i'm depending on what course you're talking about i mean i'm like a seven seven handicap what was something like that run you for a membership for a year ballpark i don't know what do you mean you don't want to tell you he knows he cut the fucking check i'll say this i'll say this is it more more or less than the cube it's it's about the same as the cube but the club i play it is pretty like uh it's pretty level as far as la has some of the most expensive clubs sure nuts but like the highest end would be like riviera or uh la cc los angeles

country club or belair what are we talking about something like that five grand a year those are like a quarter of a million to what a quarter of a million to a half a million we're talking money out here well no according to half a million just a joint right that's the joint then the greens and then their annuals are i don't even know i don't know restaurant minimums the whole nine but then we're nothing we're i'm nowhere even remind you i don't know you wouldn't tell me the number that's pretty classy i like let's say this on the lowest end the lowest golf club would probably be like around the country it'd be like eight to ten grand a joint so it's it's more than that but it's way way way less than it does all right it's not cheap would you consider yourself

good at laser tag at one point i was dominator i was undefined pro yeah i should have went pro should listen but i am i'm a bar game king like i'll fuck you up in darts i'll get you in shuffle board uh do you have any these at the house you have darts at the house darts at the house without a doubt i want i want a shelf board at the house we don't i don't have any fucking room that's that's the goal for every big for every irish dirtbag we don't have a basement out here we're out here we're lifted on fucking slabs we don't have basements out here because it's bedrock it's i mean if you if you have a basement out here a little bit cash cash show where's the dartboard it's not like in the kitchen or anything is it garage where it belongs give the garage set

up nice we're getting there man i've taken it's taken a long time because they wanted the amount of money they want in la to fix these garages uh it's absurd so we've been cleaning it out my old lady's dad is a contractor they built their house with his own hands so he's helped he's got big dude i wouldn't have picked up if you didn't do that this guy's got baseball mitts for you and when you meet this her her dad's hands are it's absurd it's the size of this table it emasculates you immediately when he shakes your fucking hand because he has a he's a man hand that built stuff and we touch microphones yeah i mean sad sad sad i knew me get scared of seaweed yeah great to meet you thanks for coming up yeah kiss it kiss it kiss it kiss it that'll

be five hundred dollars what's uh what's the floor in the garage looking like you got the gray with with the paint chips it's cement it's cement it's never i haven't redone any car one car it's four two cars but cars don't go in it okay it's storage and shit i got you to darts what about in the kitchen what's the fridge situation you don't viking sub-z stainless steel stainless steel it's what came with the house you got one of these or you got the drawer at the bottom one big and one pull drawer it's a bit one big door and one pulled right island in the middle no kitchen no no we have a very humble home okay yeah we don't have a big house gas gas stove electric stove gas but i wish i wish it was electric i like electric more but it's gas yeah i'm

that's trashy yeah that i like electric you like the coils because in college we had electric and i loved it yikes yeah i loved it lights up immediately yeah mac and cheese nice that's pretty good yeah ice huh we eat ice of course what do you mean every drink every drink that has ice in it you're gonna eat it you're chewing it you spit in it will you put it in your mouth and spit it back into the cube it's too big you bite it in half spit it back in the drink okay yeah and then you then you end up finishing it i've never had a drink with ice that i haven't eaten the ice great which is funny now that i think about that because i've never unless it's this unless it melts into the coffee yeah that's the only way that's very interesting i now you're making me think

about because i've heard people say like you chew ice i'm like doesn't everybody chew no it's relatively it's a trashy behavior it is i feel like i got your ropes now we're about to crack this get wide open you put on a good thing while i used to smoke i used to dip i gave up all that did pee in the shower what that's insane you don't people that don't pee in the shower okay good i'm blown away why i don't know why i don't it doesn't make sense i brush my teeth in the shower yeah that's trash i gotta follow up i keep a toothbrush you keep it in there that's fucking disgusting where does it need to go outside the dude that's where does it need to go this he put on a real real good story when he walked out of here i feel obligated to tell you if you

want to lawyer up right now you probably want to go ahead because it's about to get ugly in here yeah i brush my teeth in the shower every morning it feels so great i love it as i'm the waters running all over me i love brushing my teeth in there you ever take a poop not wipe getting a shower and just clean out that way did it this morning holy shit wow because i gotta tell you this is the classy part of the trashy i'm classy and trashy i took the shit but we have a shower where we've got the wall things the wall sprayer sure so one is right at my asshole that's like a bidet right exactly that is a bidet that's why i built the fucking shower that way we redid the bathroom i said i want the ones that are i can clean my nuts in my asshole i told that fucking

plumber told their fucking asshole nozzle in my ass so i do i have a bidet i spread it open i clean it out it's delicious there you go all right i'm wasting toilet paper i'm saving the environment when that when that when that wafa poop hits your face though when it went when the hot water hits it no i like it it's like fresh cookies in the oven reminds me who i am reminds me where i come from oh man he's falling apart quick have you ever want to kiss me on irish shirt yes of course in fact i made i made one whoa my freshman year of college i i found a gala an old like a um a gaelic dress at a at a fucking salvation army thrift store yeah yeah what is it gaelic dancing you know irish dancing river dancing yeah river dance and i wrote uh fuck

me i'm irish on it for st patty's day my freshman year of college i walked around with it and i got laid by it away so his name let's go michael nice irish good irish lad michael oh flanagan a nice tiny irish dick you buy sneakers will you wear him out of the store oh no when i will you know what that's a need for a bag i'm away in the shower this is where we're drawing the line i wear i wear him out of the store unless i think i should save them for for a special occasion fair enough but i will i will i'll wear sneakers out of the store that's fine have you ever worn a kangle hat no my grandfather used to give me a thousand of them my grandfather my grandfather the guy who worked at the track numbers you need a kangle hat to

run numbers i tell you this is this is hard to explain unless you've seen the guy but so he he had friends that worked in factories on the west side of chicago and he would go and get wholesale stuff you know at cheap prices like he used to he used to go get floor mats for kitchen runners for kitchens for you know uh commercial kitchens yeah okay and his body worked at a rubber store so he would cut he would cut this from the factory put him in his trunk and he always had a hustle so he'd walk into a he'd walk into a restaurant this is no bullshit and he'd be like i he'd go i'm here to check out the kitchen nobody would argue because yeah you work at a restaurant or a bar yeah you would just go oh whatever i guess steve ordered on

so he'd walk in the back and he would see the the rubber mats and be like these need to be replaced immediately and he'd rip them out throw them away and go put in his new mats and talk to the manager and be like you know i'll give you a good deal on it but these are a safety hazard and they would every single time it's a good he was a hustler damn he was a bully he was a he was a bully but he always had he had kangle hats he had jackets he was he was like canal street in an old's mobile you know these steps are unsafe no one's fallen down them they're about though have you ever gone ghost hunting yeah of course of course when i was a kid we yeah you know that was like not as an adult though no but as an adult i'll do some i'll do some kitty shit you know i'll do

i like going to haunted houses and shit like that okay that's all right that's fun i mean of course yeah i'll get in the spirit i like that i decorate the fuck out of my house christmas a halloween real tree really go all in we get both whoa we get both a real tree and a fake tree because we we wanted a tree in the atrium or when you when you come yeah the real trees always a tiny tree um or the we don't have an atrium a front room yeah for your front room door front front room big room front room no but we'll have a we'll have a she wants a small little one for the smell and i agree okay so it doesn't make the best but we have the fake one in the front because uh what a fucking nightmare once you once you have your own place and you get trees

you're we used to get real trees all the time it was a fucking nightmare it was a fucking a lot cold lights white lights colored gotta have colored white lights white lights white lights trash color lights at the best trash color like the rest of my life you know what i got color lights on the tree and on the outside of my home i color like the fucking the roof the roof the roof yeah fuck yeah dude kids trash i'm sorry you're starting come on done do you sleep with some sort of weapon near you uh there's a gun nearby really i meant like a golf club or something yeah there's a gun nearby this guy's second amendment all right hey man who raw let's go the best country in the fucking world all right there's a gun there's a gun nearby so for any criminals come on over

and say hello come make fun of my colored light gun nearby come near my Nissan cube and you'll get dude a gun nearby sounds like it's a 7-11 yeah it's nearby that's the name of my next special there's a gun nearby that's good can you play chess fuck no checkers all right yeah chess who knows how to play chat do you know a lot of people no we're trash though well yeah then i'm on your team i can't play chess no i didn't that chess is any though any any smart any fancy smart people shit i have no business do you don't read do you read come on no way no way why if you ever recommended a book you didn't read to somebody constantly if i'm in the airport and i see like one of the nation's best sellers i'll say it to a

guy on the plane or something you know it's really good Matthew McConaughey's book yeah you got to read heartless it's fantastic it's amazing you know it's one of oprah's picks we only got a we only got time for a couple more here all right we got to wrap it up you know karate i know what it is no i never took it as a kid i never did jujitsu or any of that stuff i i never got near any of that i never liked it do you want any Cheryl crow cds do you want any i'm sure she's on my playlist okay i'm sure she's on my spotify somewhere sure all i want to do is have a little fun before i die we eat at a counter at a diner exclusively really your counter and you sit at a table as it depends on how many people you got because it ruins the hang i don't go out with too many people

if i go out with a group of people it's to a nice dinner if i want to go to a counter i if i want to go to a i it's so funny it's called at the counter if i go to a diner yeah i have i love the counter the swivelese come on man so you got to do it with a couple of pals couple of friends a couple of comics all doing pretty well you know yeah some of your peers we go to a nice i want to go to like if i go if we go to no boom or something i want to go to like a nice dinner if i'm gonna go out and take the time but what about the check who's picking that check up it depends on the level it's all levels dude it's levels who's doing well you know what i mean it's like sometimes if i'm with if we're all the same yeah it's like a throw the card in and whatever okay

sometimes credit card roulette that's always fun okay but but if there's guys like a fun with guys that i know that you know they're i'll pick up the tab yeah i'll pick it up you take leftovers with you um depends on where we are that's really interesting depends on where we are first of all there is no leftovers in most of my meals yes that's where i'm at i mean breakfast is my favorite meal and there's never never will there be a leftover you don't take breakfast but lunch too i don't there's not much that i like it i'm eating the whole thing i'm gonna finish it yeah dinner is a leftover night but if you go to a nice spot you can't take leftovers if you go to a nice why do you say you can't just it's tacky get tacky hit me you go to a nice spot

you gotta leave it it's like i had it i tried walking out with a bag like a fucking jerk off bag yeah you can't do that yeah i think i'll go maddy waiting for you like the valets like hey where's fight you over here get kicked in my ear be be free insult me you go to a good friend's wedding recently you're doing well yeah a little bit of cash what's in that envelope what's in the envelope this is what we want to know you know what's funny i've only done that i let the lady take care of that she we buy stuff off of the thing the register do yes you're breaking my heart because money feels like it's uh money feels condescending money is like here this is for you and your little family that's pretty good see i like he's got deep i buy stuff off the thing and i'll buy a really

nice fucking expensive thing off the thing okay that way i feel less bad because cash for some reason always feels um like it's uh it's a you need this you could it's like a tip jar like oh you need a couple bucks in your little jar for your little wedding you're talking to you by like a $500,000 item something like that yeah yeah yeah i'm the most i think i have the most expensive thing i bought a thing for someone that was a grand i gave you to blend yet i bought a great jihad nice it was a gift it was a gift it was a thing that they wanted and i bought them the thing very nice yeah i mean he's got some good principles in him buddy's track i know a deep down disguise i keep wanting to give it to you and then you said you were kicked out of nursery

school or whatever and i'm like i can't you've been doomed from the start but he's smart with the cash which is pretty good that's the only thing i can yeah that's the only thing that i i've always been a pincher like because genuinely as a comic you're always like it's coming and going when is this going to come again sure i wish i thought like that now you love you piss it away huh oh my yeah oh it's gone i see how we do all right and he is we just started we just started doing okay the first like uh month that the patreon was like sizable i went and bought my mom like a $2,000 necklace see but okay different i'm okay with buying other people's stuff okay i'll in the past in the past three months he's been to not for work he's been to france hawaii and miami that's all

for you my you make a little bit of a honeymoon phase you got it you got a 401k yeah you sit next yeah no i think i think i think i've always had that mentality that i did you grow up with a little bit of money no nothing i mean we were a lower middle class but did you have a safety net uh like they would bail you out would they bail me out like like like like say you got say you're like i'm out i'm tapped out could you call mom and dad he is oh i got but you'll call and they'll send you money i would drive no drive home and stay there but i mean they would give you money if you need if you needed 200 bucks your mom would your mom would hook you out constantly yeah i'm in the hole see my parents were the opposite they were cold as ice like they were like we love you we support

you but also don't fucking come i would get small band i could move back in right now my parents would be like you gotta figure this out man you're a grown-up when i bought you the computer yeah yeah and he's like this one don't even have a goddamn tower no he they they were big on the whole independent thing they were super supportive that i was gonna move and go try to be in entertainment damn but they were also like that's on you you know that's not there wasn't like a anything you need it was never the conversation i'm gonna hit my mom i'll be like hey i'm like 400 short on rent like just i got that check coming in i got that gig just she'd be like i can give you 60 i'm like 60 jesus my fucking sell something don't even bother and she had the cash no i never

got i never asked that was always kind of a looming uh you do it your own way you got to be on your anybody come to you family members friends because now you don't i've had people i've had people ask me for money yeah and i never ever have given friends money sizable sizable alone i've the the only thing i've done is i gave somebody some money and i said don't ever talk about it again and don't pay me back and don't come looking again i just don't want it's like almost like a don't because i don't want this was it a nice chunk of change it was a lot of money yeah but it's like don't i don't want the money back don't talk to me about it ever again yeah because if you owe someone buying your silence there's a thing if you owe people owe you money does this weird i don't

want any of that uncomfortable it's like take the money it didn't happen we won't talk about sure i'm changing my thing he's all class i'm telling you he's a boss and i need to talk to you off air for a minute if you don't mind ladies and gentlemen mr andrew santino yeah fucking fantastic anything you want the folks out there to know uh go to andrew santino dot com and see me i don't know when this is coming out do you know yeah next week probably yeah so next next well what friday and saturday i'm austin and dallas nice and then i go to uh then i'm doing like uh vancouver lake tahoe montclan new jersey hello i'll be out you guys's way and then i do uh niagara falls and the amount of fucking people that are like why niagara on the on the us side

i was like cross the border yeah you can cross it's a fucking line of water i can cross you can cross yeah so come on see me go to andrew santino dot com for those tickets and that's it man that's all i gotta play watch bad friends and whiskey ginger and mic podcast of course buddy you're absolutely fucking amazing thank you brother fantastic thank you so much for coming and sitting down with us we love you we're so happy to have you kippy what do you got for him same thing patreon come see a live show we're all over the fucking country uh we'll be at moon tower we're just down to that get down there to austin second show out in chicago i believe come see us gang we love you peace peace that's great thank you man thank you so much