Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Andy Fiori - Cash in the Walls

Episode Date: October 6, 2022

Kippy and Foley are joined by old pal Andy Fiori! Thanks for listening. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AreYouGarbage PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://www.bonfire.com/store/are-you-garbage/ Helix Sleep: https://www.helixsleep.com/Garbage Better Help: https://www.BetterHelp.com/GARBAGE Box of Awesome: https://www.BoxOfAwesome.com Promo Code: GARBAGE Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans

Ooh, baby, the wait is over. New dates added on the middle class famous store. Gang, we're coming to see you. Bring the squad out. Live stand-up comedy show. Play a little energy with the crowd. Great way to introduce some people to the show. Bring the squad out.

Kippy, straighten these bozos out. The Fat Man ain't lying, folks. This week we got Nashville and Indy. And then in November, we have two shows in Atlanta as part of the Red Clay Comedy Festival. Get those tickets. Then we're going to Charlotte, North Carolina. Also, we have a sold-out show in Philadelphia.

Sorry, smell you next time, Philly. Providence, Rhode Island. We just had a second show tickets available in December. Boston, the same thing. We had a second show tickets available. Get those tickets. Those shows will sell out. We'll see you there.

See ya. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage.

Hey, yeah. Little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that that's a good to be classy. They're just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're down here at Antonie's Basement. She's upstairs playing pickleball with the neighbor's kid. OK.

My Carlos is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage. He is an international businessman. He is not to be trifled with in the boardroom or the bedroom, but he's my best pal in the whole wide world, and I love him. Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Ryan.

Hey, gang. Thanks for tuning in, as always. Please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube as you know those known and bizarre. Turn around, cook it. And then obviously, wait, let me pull up my files. www.patreon.com slash Are You Garbage.

Stop playing stupid. Check out the greatest goddamn website of all time, Google, Kick Rocks. Amazon, you stink. Anything else? Facebook, you're doing all right. But patreon.com slash Are You Garbage, check it the fuck out. Yes, sir.

And have a nice quick shout out to our producer, extraordinaire. The magic man makes us all look good. Works the ones and twos, crosses the T's, dots the I's. Give it up for T-Bone McScruffins. Toby McMullen, everybody. What's up, dudes? Hey, T-Bone.

What's up, pal? I just met this guy we got in here, and I love him. He's talking about football, Beds. He's a good fuck. Handicap in the birds. This guy's a good chick. I'll tell you that right now.

He's a good hang. I can tell you that. Gang, we could not be more excited to have our incredibly special guest back with us again today for the second time. He's an OG. Came in and did the show very early. Back in the day, like one of the first 10 episodes.

Five, maybe. So do yourself a favor. Go back, check it out. He's absolutely fantastic stand-up comedian. He has a brand new special out right now called Check Right, which you can find over there on the Use Tube at YouTube slash Andrew Fiori, where you can check out his website andyfiori.com.

Ladies and gentlemen, Andy Fiori. Hey. There he is. Hey, the boys. I want a hell of a drink and bar. They're the big guy. I love going out with the boys. Two Tree Pops with Mr. Fiori is a good time.

Two or three in about a half hour. You know what Sam Morrell said, which I've been thinking about since he was here, and you'll appreciate this. There's nothing like being drunk in a New York City bar in the winter and coming out in that cold hitch. Oh, I was going to say, we could have ended that sentence right after bar.

It's not like you're being drunk in a bar. It's just something being drunk in a bar. It is. This is the best time of year for drinking. It's fall. This, first of all, fatso's like. You don't hate drinking in July either, right? I'm not shunning that either.

Not like those summer losers. But as a bunch of fatso's here, this is our weather. This is our clothing. This is our time to shine. This is the first time all year when October hits. I'm not just standing and sweating from just doing this. Yeah, you know it's bad when you're looking for where the air conditioner is to pony up next

to it, but you always got to be like six feet back so it doesn't blow over your head. I don't want my two-patum flip up like Spain and Tommy Boy. Try to find a nice spot between the air conditioner and the two-pops. Exactly. You know what I'm saying? I'll tell you what is a nice move though now.

Donnelly got me on this is the AMI Jukebox app. Yeah. I'm cutting everybody in line. These guys are such bar flies. They've downloaded the Jukebox app to their phone so they can fucking flex on other drunk idiots. I don't even want to get off my stool and walk over to the Jukebox.

Folks, are you tired of waiting for your favorite Abbas song to come on? Well, we got a trick for you. I can hear it now. I'm spending three tokens like a Dominican Pimp. Oh my god. Three tokens. Tokens.

I'm all out of credits. Yeah, I got a fucking. Then I'm all drunk and I got to hook it back up to my bank account. And I can't figure it out on my TD bank app. It's a fucking nightmare. Would you be the guy at a member when diners would have the little jukeboxes in the booth?

In the booth. Was that you? Was that you and your family? I loved it. Fighting over who gets to play Johnny D. Good? I'm from North Jersey. Diners was our whole high school scene. Yeah.

I mean, as a kid, like an eight-year-old kid to have that, you literally felt like a radio DJ. I was like flipping through. I'm like, I know this song. I know that song. Doing time and temperature. Yeah, doing the weather on Tuesdays, baby. And the time and temp is 10.45.

I got my curfew at 11. So I got to get out of here, folks. I got a high-tail it out of here. Cloudy with a chance of mozzarella sticks, huh? Come on in. Look out. Shout out. Here's a slow one for the kids who get to say

I love to do street lights tomorrow. Everybody coming from a broken home. No goes real good with a little pork or leg and cheese. Billy Joel, everybody. Hey, actually, it does. Really good. It really hits the spot. It really hits the spot.

Buddy, congrats on a new spesh. Check right. Thanks, man. You were telling us live before. Where does that exactly come from? My lazy dad. You know, I had an old dad. My old dad wasn't lazy.

His father was a very accomplished man. Fought in World War II. And won. Fought in World War II. On the winning side. How funny is that? Andy's dad is a World War II fan. Oh, really?

The United States? No. God damn, 101st Airborne kicked the shit out of him. He didn't see it coming. Can't even watch Band of Brothers. He fucking, yeah, he fought in World War II. He was an Olympian. Really?

Didn't have kids till he was 55. Shout out to him. What was he an Olympian in? La Crosse in 1950 in London. I like how you did that for me. Yeah, got it. That's when I played with the wooden sticks back then. I still have the wooden stick.

Yeah, my little sister's got refurbished. We gave it to him as a Christmas gift, which is also a trash move. As you give somebody a gift that already belongs to them. Oh, yeah. You just cleaned it off and repackaged it. Put some pledge on this thing. My dad got his wedding ring back one year.

I swear to God, from the pawn shop. That's all my family. We are not good gift givers. We give gifts like something that you can do with the person where it's like, yeah, I'll give you hockey tickets, but I'm going with you. Yeah, we're going with you. I got you tickets to see my favorite band.

And we're not sitting together. You got two rows up. Guys and dolls. It's not guys and guys. Big Seinfeld fan, this young man. Me and Kippy can go. We can talk in Seinfeld, I think. Yeah, we do a lot.

I mean, after a handful of beers, we really get into the nitty-gritty of. Chop it up. Jerry style. Just so I was going to say, I forgot the whole fucking point of check right. So yeah, so he was an old dad. He didn't have kids, he was 55.

I was his first dad. So you were 10, he was 65. Wow, that's an old dad. That's the math I always do. I go, when I was 15, he was 70. That's crazy, dude. Yeah, like 20 years old, she's 75. And totally still kicked the shit out of me.

He was in great shape his entire life. Like until six months before he passed. Was he a big guy like you? Cause you're a brick shit house. He's only 5'11. That's your mom, 6'2? Yeah, that's where it came from. My mom's 7'4.

You look like you drink beer out of the barrel. Yeah, I know. My mom's a fucking 5'2 midget. Really? I don't know. Really? That's vitamin D with dinner every single night. That's milk with dinner, baby.

Every single night till about 18. What does the male man of the neighbor look like? I think so you gotta ask. You know what's weird is that all three of my best friends were going home, all six feet and above, none of our parents are tall. Really? Very fishy.

Yikes. That's what I put in a water down there. Yeah, that or the male man was a real slippery one. Yeah. Slippery one is a great one. He's seven feet tall walking around the neighborhood. He's always knowing the males here. Tony!

So my dad, as he got older, when I was like 8, I started to notice this thing that my dad would do when he was driving. We'd come up to an intersection. He'd look left, he'd just go, check right. Oh, so you were the eyes on the right. Yeah, you were the eyes on the right side of the world. Yeah.

We'd get that too. How am I doing over there? I get that. How am I doing? What the fuck is this? I'm six, dude. I know. I don't know the timing and the distance and the fucking

spreading. Yeah, I can't. My mind is still developing here, dude. This hunt is closing in pretty quick, but I think you can get it. Here's the other thing you learn real quick. Not to mumble words that sound similar. One time I gave him a no, he heard go and took off.

Right in the traffic. Andy, what are you doing? You got to give him an all clear. Something you got to really shout and a nothing. He didn't hear great either. All clear. Yeah, he was 100. I know.

He was in his late thousands. Holy shit. You're in a car seat, man, in the 50 cal. Yeah, you're riding shotgun, literally. That explains all these dents on the right side of the vehicle. That's really good. I like that. Yeah, man.

He was a classic American character, dude. So yeah, we named it after Czech, right? And yeah, it's getting released on 10.6, which would have been his 99th birthday. So it's a little sentimental. Yeah, that's fantastic. That's awesome, buddy. And Andy's a killer.

Make sure you go check out the fucking spash. Check it out. 100%. We love you to death. It's been a minute. It has. So the show's evolved a little bit since you were on the program.

Before we get into the Patreon questions, we wanted to hit you with a couple. We'll check in with you. We'll check up. Something I haven't had in four years. You and me both, sister. Really? You check up?

Stay away from the doctor? I don't like that news. I don't like that news. I don't want to know what's going on in here. I want to ruin the weekend, man. I don't want to know what's gurgling inside. Really? When's the last time you were at the dentist?

Dentist, I'm good at. I do twice a year, because I have dental. OK. So I go get the cleaning twice a year every six months. The dentist, I don't do the dentist, but the eye exam I'm not bad with. I like going to the eye doctor. Since I think last time was on, I got the LASIK.

Really? Yeah, got the LASIK. Wow. Did you have to come out of pocket for that, or is that covered? Little covered, but then mostly out of a. What are we talking? Four large.

Four Gs? About two and I. About two and I. Hey, doc, just do the one. I'll be back in a couple of months. I've got to save some nickels and dons before we can do righty. About two and I.

Just do the one. I like that. You just go like this every time you drive. Put the left one on the AmEx. Yeah, put the left one on the AmEx and that. What did you guys take to discover? Getting LASIK on a diners club card, like a dirtbag? Oh, that's good.

Well worth it, though. What is the credit card situation over there at your house? What are you rocking? AmEx, Delta. You got it? OK. What color? Gold.

Good. Really? Solid. You? I owe them a nice chunk of change, though. What's the credit? Man, they always come knocking. Tomorrow, tomorrow.

Oh, really? It's the fifth every month. It's like those motherfuckers are waiting around a calendar all goddamn day. You come in and take your eyes. I talked to you for a second. What are we talking? Ballpark.

How many? I have two cards. I have two credit cards. No, what do you got to break off tomorrow? And you pay it all at the end of the month, you little rollover. You're a sweet kid. Fucking country bumpkin over here.

I thought AmEx, you had to pay it all at the end of the month. You used to. You used to. But if you have a good use, come back. They still want you to. I just don't. I mean, legally, I'm obligated by the terms and conditions to pay on a fifth.

No, if you have a good track record, they'll let you. They just instituted like a pay-over-time. Yeah, I'm paying overtime. They gave you a little breathing room. Yeah, and I need that breathing room. My lungs are collapsing. Goddamn scuba dive right now.

I need every bubble I can get. If you come up too fast, you get the bends. What are you doing? You give me a number. And then I'll tell you if you're close. You have 10 grand in your credit card. You're fucking sweet. What?

It's more than that. Yeah, I got it fucking. I'm paying this off over time. 25. Yeah, we're in the ballpark. Holy shit. Next round's on me. I will take donations at Andy Fiori Venmo.

Anybody wants to help me knock that down a little bit? Every little bit helps. Others. A little can go a long way. You're like UNICEF over here going around following. Is that big purchases or is that just you? We did just self-produce a special. That took a nice chunk of change

to make that happen and look pretty and pay all the people. There you go. It's production cost. That's a write-off. Absolutely. Oh, yeah. We're talking to the IRS at the end of the year. I got a call from Mr. IRS directly.

We can't create him. I got an Asian kid. He knocks it out. They're getting created. You guys like the jukebox, huh? Hey, guys, I'm now a charity, by the way. I'm now a to the first church of Andy Fiori. Like in Joel, stealing it over here.

Dude, I got to make some changes. OK, all right. So yeah, what was the credit card talk? There was a question. So you got the MX gold and what else do you got? I got a Capital One. Oh, OK. And that one is really for emergencies,

because I like using the MX because I get the Sky Miles. Sky Miles are big. That's how they keep you on the wheel. They keep you up. So you keep that one down. That one's there's not too much on it. Not at all. That's why I'm trying to run it, too.

That's for emergency. Like last call. Or if the wings look good. These jukebox tokens aren't paying for themselves. Is that the snake sandwich? You know what? This is too. Let's go.

Holy, what's the limit on that? That one's what's like $5,000. That's more than me. I don't really use that one. It's wild. Dude, you have an MX that you can put $25,000 on. That's a lot. Don't give me the limit.

They go, you can just have $30,000. I go, that's not going to be good for business. I'm going to regret this. Exactly. That's like when you cover the phone, $30,000. Fucking idiots. That sounds good. Thank you very much.

Yeah, you just try to rush them off the phone. Whatever you say. This is legally binding. Oh, my lord. Yes. And then I just got my debit card, which I try and use that number one, you know? Yeah, of course.

Of course. Of course. Who you rock with? TD. TD. I'm going to touch down bank. Shout out to him. They used to be commerce.

I go, I rock with. You've been rocking since Commerce Day, since the big C. Yeah, the blue and red. Whoa. Yeah, baby. So you've been, that was that your first? That was 20 years.

Yeah, it was college. I had a checking account in college. Wow. Because you had, yeah, Villanova University, baby. Commerce Bank. Shout out to the Wildcats. Absolutely. Let's fucking go.

2016 does an 18 national championship. Philly's looking all right. And it could be a bad situation by the time this, when this comes out. You have to, Philly's are in the fucking playoffs for the first time in 11 years. Birds are going to take 10 years. Birdganger doing well.

Birds are doing good. It's all right. Hmm. And you're over there in Queens now. Story, baby. You're in a story. You live solo, you got solo. Solo, yeah.

Where do you do your food shopping? Seatown. Whoa, yikes. No, Anne-Mex will pull you out of a seatown. No kid. Seatown is, I, Carumba. It's a cat's work in the register. No.

No, Seatown's a tough luck. Seatown's trash. Just for the folks out there that don't live in the tri-state area, when you're in a story, you want to be at a trade fair. You want to be the key food trade fair. Seatown is on my block. Yeah. You could get a human liver at fucking Seatown.

They do lay, they do lay sick in the back. They got horse meat. My friend Jay Riemeschiner eats horse all the time. He gets it from his butcher. I thought Seatown was OK. No. I'll be honest, fellas. I'm not a big grocery shopper.

OK. Are you ordering it a lot? I'm seamless. Where do you think that fucking credit card debt comes from? You can run up a seamless tab with a fucking couple of mozzarella sticks and a Coke, plus $43. Holy shit, that's what I like to see. It's such a ripoff, but I'm such a lazy piece of shit.

I know. Do you? Right there with you. Do you pay the rent on the 50? You pay it on the first. No, I'm good. I pay the rent on the first. I get that out of the way.

Because that's the first thing come knocking on the door if you don't have it. And you know a story. I got a little Greek landlady. She's in the laundromat on the corner 24-7. So I can't even avoid her. I can't duck her. She'll be tackling me into the street.

OK. That's respectable. I assume this is nationwide. But you really don't have to pay your rent until the fifth because of social security purposes. I know that's the way it is in the city. You know what? It's not the passive aggressiveness I would get from them.

Really? It's not worth it. Really? I respect that. I respect it on both ends. I'm always on the fifth. That goes underneath the door. That's the credit card on the fifth.

11.59. The beginning of the month's a tough time for the kid. Oh. You got to space him out a little bit. I wish I could. I wish I could. Anytime I get an option, do you want this on the first of the 15th?

I'm like, give me the 15th. Yeah. Give me a couple of weeks. I don't know. That's when the dust settles a little bit. Get your fucking head on straight. Let me get my head on straight. Let me talk to some people.

See some numbers. I don't remember them giving me the option on the 15th. I was just listening. I was reminded of a story of, I remember I called him one time. This is probably three. This is right before the pandemic. I called him on the phone with Ty and Warner, somebody, Con Ed, somebody, about what time they processed the payment.

At what time it's going to be taken out of his bank account. And I'm like, dude, I'm like, you're trash. He's like, nah, he's like, I just need a couple hours. I'm like, dude, if you're calling to buy a few minutes. Just give me the 5.30. Are you going to hit me before lunch? What the hell are you talking about? I'm not keeping the plates spinning.

Jesus. Who gets up before noon? Come on. What are we doing here? Real overachievers down there, Ty and Warner. What's the, is the credit score good, though? The credit score is not bad, because I make the payment every month.

But seven, honey? You got it. Once you're in the couple of thousands, that minimum shoots right up. OK. I am, it's, oh, 700. No, 700. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're right around there. Yeah, it's good. Are you a minimum payment guy? This month, I am. You got to pay that full balance. Here's the thing. I've had really, I've had really. You got to pay anything more than the minimum.

They're like, even if it's $10 more than the minimum, because otherwise you're just paying interest. I've had really bad credit in college. I went on a CD shopping spree. And that fucking got me in debt. And then it's, but it's, people don't realize how, if you can pay off. CDs, like music?

Why don't you use two Columbia house, like everybody else? I did that. You're the guy that they jammed up. I ran out of names. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Here's my thinking. I'm a collector. Hey, we're looking for Clint Parker.

I'm a collector. I like having things, I like things on the shelves. I like the things to look at. So in my head, I was like, I'm going to be a, I'm going to be like a cool music guy. And like, people will come over to my house, and they'll be like, this guy's got good taste, you know? Do you still have these CDs?

I fucking threw them all at, my mom moved. And I go, chuck them. I don't want to take them back. Chuck them. I got the MX hangs up. Chuck them. What about DVDs? You still have those in the house?

I still have my DVDs. Again, Andy's a big movie guy. Yes, I kept on them because I still got a PlayStation. You can watch the movies anytime you want. I can still use a DVD. How many DVDs are we talking here? Probably about a hundred. Oh, are they out?

Same thing with music. Can you see them? If I walk into your house, do I see the collection? On display. OK. Yeah, they've got their own. They've got their own tower. I got, you do come over.

I'm proud of that collection. That was my whole thing. I was like, people are going to come and appreciate my taste. That's such a college. It's like field of bozos. I know. I thought it was going to be getting me laid. Don't fucking.

If you blow it, they will come. Do you have music posters on the wall, framed or unframed? Framed, baby. What are we talking? We're talking, there's some Hold Steady, which is a Brooklyn band that I love. Oh, that's even worse. Are you in it?

Cool posters. Sounds like you live at a hard rock cafe, by the way. Slash Planet Hollywood. I do have. You have Stallone's jacket framed. I have guitars on the wall, too. Do you play? Barely.

Oh, my God. What a bozo. They're purely for show. They don't have strings on them. They're the guitar hero guitar. Oh, I swear to God, one has a hat on it. I just used it as a fucking hat rack at this point. Damn.

Oh, Fiori. Can't back out big news on Helix, baby. What's that? Ooh, got one on the way. Yeah? Yeah, let's go. Got the fam on one, too. Went over there, took the quiz.

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Yeah, I got the frame music posters. There's a fish one in there. There's a big fish head or dead head. Both, I love the dead. Dead's my favorite. But I've got some frame stuff. I got some movie posters frames too. What are we talking movie?

Coolhand Luke. I've got an exorcist still when he's walking up to the house. It's got the light shining on him. That's frame. You can throw anything in a fucking frame. Sure. It's a little classier.

Yeah, exactly. I don't have anything loose. No, I'm not an animal here. That Coolhand Luke is an original print. Oh, I love it. Yeah, my brother gave that to me. Yeah, I got a similar one. It's like that.

It's like blue and it's got them digging on the chain gang. Okay. That one's great. That's pretty respectable. How do you... That's cool that is. Thank you. You're a single guy. Yeah.

Right? You're living, you got your own place out there. Yeah. You're Queens. What's the, what's the, is it clean? Yeah. It's clean. Beaning lady, once a month.

What? Once a month? That's good though. Mary comes. She's the fucking shit. Once a month? Am I the only one on this? What are you looking at me like?

Once a month? Once a week, I'll give you. You don't even have one. What's a week? Am I clean though? Is that the only time the house is clean? I'm sure he's straightening along the way. I'm not messy.

The biggest mess I make is leaving clothes on the floor. Okay. He's got the guitars on the wall. I'm so scared of New York City bugs and infestation. I don't keep shit out. Really? I throw shit away. I try and clean.

I have a cleaning lady come once a month, dude. It's all you need. You fucking do the once over and you're good. It's really for the bathroom. I don't want to clean that thing. Sure. You know. Just got a tushy bidet though.

Tell you that much for free. Really? Yeah. Sponsor? Life changing. No, not a sponsor. Just a fucking it. Just made a purchase.

Things needed to be done down there. Got to call in special or heavy artillery. It's an emergency. I had to bring in a team. Have you ever bought the floor model of an appliance or TV? Absolutely bought it. My TV off the wall.

Really? Where? A bar? I'll give you 80 bucks for it out the door. Yeah. Patty McGuire's gave me this one. It's a 75 inch. Samsung, 2013.

I bought it at a Best Buy Wall model. It's fucking, it's beautiful. It's got one small. Yeah, of course it does. Of course it does. It's got a tiny, tiny, tiny black hot. You're even trashed. Wait, it's got it on the screen?

Only I see it. One pixel's missing. It's got one little, it's like smaller than a pin head. It's a little black dot. The only time it comes up, if you're watching a hockey game. It'll drive you nuts. That black dot on the ice shines through.

Holy shit. I thought it was the puck about 40,000 times though. Get it, what do you think going the wrong way? His team stinks. They're all dumb, no chase. He's skating fucking backwards, asshole. Shit. Do you have a stereo system?

Hold on, that might be the saddest thing I've ever heard. One black dot watching a hockey game on a floor model TV. How much did that take? Did that take all of them? Good amount. Dude, it's a 65 inch. I bought it in like 2015. It was like 600 bucks, dude.

It's great. It's a Samsung. I'll go to bat for this TV. I fucking love it. All right, I'm in. I agree. I guarantee you won't even see it unless I tell you where it is.

Nobody has ever come over. Where is it in the, is like middles in a corner, upper? Top right quadrant. Okay. Yeah. That's not too bad. Does it end up on people's faces and close-ups and stuff? Like I said, I know where it is and I barely even see it.

Okay. It's because it's mostly, yeah, blends in. It's clearly a denial. Dude, a good deal is a good deal. Sure. Do you have a, do you have a stereo system at the house? Not anymore. You know, how long are we talking?

Five years. Okay. I got the Bluetooth. I got the speakers. Okay. Yeah. And is the TV hanging or is it sitting? Hanging.

I got a guy. It's hanging. And you have a one bedroom or a studio? One bedroom. Was there a TV in the bedroom? Yeah. Really? Oh yeah.

Also hanging. How many dots on that? Thanks for the, thanks for the between the guitar. I swear to God. Are you excellent? Do you have the guitars in your room? Yeah, there they are. Where do you live Sam Ash?

What's going on here? Oh man. My girl's got to wake up there and be like, I got to get the fuck out of here. Not bad. I'll tell you. I bought a, like a 30 inch. I don't know why I thought I knew.

30 inch. I know it's so small. It looks like a fucking computer monitor on my wall. It's so small. Is it? Okay. So if your bed is your, first of all, is your bed in the middle of the room,

like up against the wall? Middle. So you could walk on either side of it. Yep. Do you have night tables on either side? Yeah. And is the TV straight ahead of that? Yes.

30 inches. Yeah. Picture in picture. He's only the picture though. It's fucking small, dude. Holy shit. I'm a big, I can't go to sleep without it. Okay.

I can't do it. I'm with the fucking adult night light and it's, do you set the timer or is it staying on night? Sleep timer. Need a timer. Two hours. Okay. Yeah.

It's not good to sleep with those TVs on you. That's why I turn it off. Two hours. Anything on, I like the two hour moves, the power class move. Because the half hour, the 15 minutes, I'm like just waiting for it to turn off. I'm like, I'm getting anxious.

It's gonna shut off in the middle before the show. I'll tell you what's up. Then the scary start. I don't think I can fucking Jeepers Creepers get you. You ever set the two hour and you go, you're laying awake at night and you go, I think I'm creeping up on the two hours here. And then you see that,

you ever thought that's TV shut off and you're still up? It's a fucking bad feeling. It's like someone turned off the power grid. It's like they're going through a draw. No good. God, that's fun. You have name brand luggage.

Samsonite. Whoa. Not bad. It has a gift though. Did not purchase myself. Christmas gift? Hold on, is it Christmas gift? Is it just the roller?

Or do you have like a set? The roller, it's the stacker. Cause you can fit it in the overhead. I made sure I didn't want to check anything. Stacker. It's compact, but it stacks up. It expands. Oh, I know what you're talking about.

It's got an extra layer of zipper. I gotcha. If you keep that open, you can get a couple extra rows of teas in there. Gotcha. Like that. Throw your board shorts in there. Gotcha.

Okay. And what, you said you're a Delta man. What level status are you? Delta Diamond. Oh, what a fly in. Damn. What a fly in. Diamond.

You guys got to be close. No. I just got silver. But he, he, you're also checking in under his name. I know. You don't know what's going on. We just got silver. I just got silver.

He's got. I know Kevin Ryan. God dammit. It's ridiculous. For the listeners. Voli try checking into a flight with my boarding pass. I show up 20 minutes later. And the lady goes, oh, sir, you're Kevin Ryan.

I was like, yeah. Why did you have his? Because they, because he books them under. No, I didn't book those days. You're not booking your own flights. No, I can't even, he can't even go to the airport. He couldn't, he can't even check himself in.

When they ask Voli, they go, did you pack your own bag? He has to answer no. It's none of your business, young lady. I've never heard somebody answer no to that question. No, I'm wearing whatever Kipi gave me. Kipi does my packing. Comes over the night before. So who's doing,

who's printing out their fucking boarding passes in 2022? I was on the phone. Yeah, on my phone. That's why they're, they're next to each other. They were, they were like, I download. I checked in and I downloaded both. So I sent it to him thinking only sent his, but I guess it sent both.

You gotta throw yours in the wallet, bro. That's the move. I put it in the wallet. You put both of them in the wallet. He had my wallet, his wallet. Well, here's the thing. TSA, whose wallet? Sometimes he forgets to put my TSA pre-check number in.

I like that you're making it his fault. I love this. A little bit. So he forgets to put the TSA- I didn't even book these flights, idiot. Fair enough. Sometimes the TSA pre-check number isn't there. It happened once.

That happens. But it's on his. Rarely, it's rare, but. For whatever reason, it doesn't take it. It happens on his. So I'll use his to get through. Oh, to go through pre-check. Yeah.

I got jammed up and fucked. And we were in LAX yesterday, right? Two days or whatever the fuck it was. But they're not checking IDs for pre-checks. They do. So they let you, they let you in the first, right? Yeah, yeah. The guy just makes sure the checks on the thing.

They let you in the maze. Love that. They let you in the maze. We get there, I go, hey man. But it's also, I'm like, you can just, I said, hey, it's not on there, which he can just fix. You can just go online and he can fix it himself.

But he doesn't. So then we get in there. We get recognized. This guy goes, oh, you guys, I know you. You got a podcast. I know you do. You got a podcast. And then he hands them his boarding pass.

She's like, sir, you're not pre-checking. He goes, yes I am. She goes, no, sir, you are not. He goes, I'll tell you my number. Like that's how it works. You know what I mean? He's like, I'm two, four, eight, nine. She's like, sir, you have to get.

I'm impressed. You know that. I don't know mine. I don't. No. I was fucking bluffing her. I was waiting for this broad to fold. God damn half a salamity.

She called you bluff. Yeah, she kicked him out. Kick me out of the line. Dude, I acted like I never met him before. I turned my back so fast. I put my back up on the conveyor belt. I was gone, dude. You were shmoopy at the soup, Nazi.

You had no idea what that broad was. None at all, dude. So here's the thing. You can't fuck with pre-check, but you can cut in line when they're calling classes. Yeah. When you're boarding, if they go a Comfort Plus or priority, just go.

I saw them bounce somebody. I saw them bounce somebody, too. Well, you can fake an injury easy. You can fake a heart attack. You can fake a limp. You and a wheelchair. We'll be a fucking bulletin first every time. It's cruising through in a fucking scooter.

It's a scissor handler. He did pack his bags. Yeah. Oh, man. It's a tough look. Now, the flight situation is pretty good. I know it. Diamond's good.

I'm closing in on gold. And I might go to LA for the weekend just to get the status. You start flying places you don't normally need to fly to. Yeah. I went to Vermont a few times. I needed to just push it over the edge. You've got to earn the miles by the end of the year to get it for next year.

And if not, you starting over again? I'll stay silver. Yeah. Fuck that. So if you get close and don't make it. Taste it. Ugh. That's bullshit.

I mean, you stay. You don't start from scratch. Oh, OK. So you've earned silver for next year. I'm trying to go for the gold. I'm trying to be like Andy's dad here, Olympian. Go for the gold. So if he's got an eight leg Delta Parley going.

I got three layovers on my way to Philly. Anybody know anything about cricket? I got a Parley cooking here. Trying to get in Delta one. That's so funny too. He didn't make it in Dallas. Killed the whole thing. Fuck it, Dallas.

He missed his connection in Atlanta. Didn't make it. Stephen A. Smith's trashing it. Kippy will not be. Go. I assume you're a lounge guy. Go to the Delta Lounge. The first.

This is my first year of dining at a lounge. Buddy. Yeah, that's another thing. The lounge. The lounge where the lounge, where it's nice, it's nice. The LAX one is nice. LaGuardia sucks. Well, here's the thing.

The one in LaGuardia is like a hospital cafeteria. And also now LaGuardia queen. It's five minutes from my apartment now. And they did the renovations and all that. But it's a fucking three mile walk to the taxi line now. I know. And I'm like, because my whole thing was, now the lounge makes it easier.

But I used to love the pre-check and the boarding early because I go, I'll get out of bed 40 minutes before my flight. Roll in. Hop in. Zip zap, yeah. Yeah. This is pretty elitist. But the lounges stink.

They suck. I would rather just go to a bar and be able to not like, I want to be like, let me get a burger. There's a few. Atlanta's the nice one, the hub. Yeah. That's your. JFK is all right.

LAX is nice. You find a nice Jack Nicholas in one of those places. I treat you right. I always look for the celebrity though first. Oh, yeah. Jack Nicholas is fully snubbing one. Head over to Randy Jackson to get my head on the street. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Big unit. The Kelly Clarkson burger. Let's go. I don't mind it. Triple bacon. Go. No, I got nothing. OK, that's it, folks.

Thanks for tuning in. Do you know how to tie a tie? Absolutely. What's the suit situation over at the house? I got two suits. I just bought a new one because I officiated my little sister's wedding. Nice.

So I thought that would be a good occasion to get a new suit. Very nice. What'd you get? Missy's men's shop. It's all right. They throw together a nice suit. Missy's right there. Yeah.

I got like a, it's like a Ralph Lauren. It was discount. It wasn't expensive. I'm not an expensive suit guy. OK. I never wear them. Sure. But I do like wearing them.

I do like the way I wear them. I bet you look good in a suit. You're a tall guy. Good frame. Yeah. I always get, and it's a pet peeve of mine, but I hate it. People go, you clean up nice. I go, yeah, I thank you.

Yeah, that's just telling you you're a schlub every other day of the week. Hey, you're typically a real piece of shit, but today you look all right. Look like a normal member of society. See what happens when you take a shower, huh? See what happens? You could try a little.

You clean up nice. I get that though. Absolutely. Hey, you know, there's a bunch of a fat piece of shit. You do have a good face and body and aura for a sweater, too. You wear a nice sweater. Good sweater. In the winter?

Yeah. In the winter. You're cozy up next to him at a bar. You got a nice, nice mohair sweater on or something. Smell the old spice on him a little bit. I'll spin a yarn. Yeah. He's telling you about some old tugboat or something, you know.

He's talking about a new bed for a cinnamon whiskey drink. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I'll tell you about old Connecticut. Exactly. Tricking a car, Michael. Scrimshaw. Scrimshaw. Speaking of drinking, when's the last time

you left a debit card at a bar? Nah, I'm pretty good. I'm pretty good. I am not. I am very bad. All over town, Kippy leaves them. Well, Patties is a little different for us because they don't take the card.

Also, I go to bars where I'm known. Yeah. He goes to three bars a lot. I go to three bars. What he goes to Milan. And do you have a plaque on a wall in a bar? What's your Mr. Fiori seat? No, you know what's going to happen?

There's going to be one when I die. They're going to put a two. Yeah, there might be that. I've been to bars like that where they go, that's Joe's seat. Yeah. And then they play. To the sign of the cross. What do you die of?

What do you think he fucking died of? I'm saying, cirrhosis. Well, pleasant parachute. But spoke post is back, baby. Oh, yeah, that box of awesome. The box of awesome just in time for a fall. You like stabbing bears? Get yourself a good buck knife.

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Code Garbage, I'll back this out. What's your bar in the story that you go to? Let Love In. OK. Yeah. All right. And then the Rover. Irish Rover.

I don't go to the story that much because I'm always in the city doing spots. So it's always Paddy's. It's O'Hanlon's. It's Leaven Street Bar. She's got a Leaven Street Bar. Was that where your birthday was? Yeah, it was my birthday.

The owner is an old buddy of mine from college. He bought it like three years ago. Danny Sweeney. Great guy. Shout out to Danny. Leaven Street Bar. Go there. Yeah.

It's nice, nice watering hole. Oh, it's a great Irish bar. But no, I'm pretty good at signing. You know why? Because it's respect for the bar, which I have. You know, like, I drink a shitload, but I don't ever want to be the reason. Don't I ever cause noise?

Back in the day, I think Kippy kind of had not did it on purpose, but I mean, we've all had our moments. If you got away with leaving the tip for 48 hours, that probably helped you out a lot. I never did it on purpose. No, I would. I just did it not too long ago. I do it.

Oh, where was I? Oh, this is wild. I was at the stand, right? And I left my credit card there, like, literally two years ago, or like 18 months ago. Never went and picked it up, got a new one. Yeah. Went a year and a half later, opened up a tab.

Light started flickering. Closed out. I was like, hey, I went up, I'm like, hey, can I close out? And since I was a comic or whatever, they're like, oh, you're good. But they gave me my old card back from 18 months. And I went to use it, and I was getting denied all day. I'm like, this is fucking crazy.

That's so funny. I'm like, oh, this is from two years ago. So I couldn't go back in and be like, hey, I was drunk 18 months ago and left one here. That's the one you gave me. You also still have my real one. But, Tob, no, here's the thing. I use my debit card too often to not have it on me.

You cannot realize you have it. I need it for the cab ride home. I still, like, taking a yellow taxi. I don't like taking the car rides. Really, you're a yellow cab man. That's now cheaper again. It is now cheaper, yeah. He's real old school in New York, too.

I love it. He's all right. He's all right, man. I tell you, yellow cab. Now, I respect the integrity of that sentence came out wrong as soon as I heard it. The integrity of the bar to fire. You're not calling.

I'm pretty much doing it. Kid likes the booze. Look how red his face is. Yeah. Do you have any, do you want any $2 bills? I don't, but my dad, boy, did he have a coin collection. Yeah. That I now own.

Really? Yeah. Lay it on me. He was buying infomercial coins at two in the morning. Whoa. We have them all. He didn't set the sleep timer, I guess. No, he didn't set the sleep timer.

He would have saved 10 grand in his mind. These old guys are up pissing every 20 minutes. You're going to see a lot of infomercials. They got QVC on speed. See a sack of joeira. Starts catching your attention. Anything worth anything? No, they're all fucking.

My mom, she was like, see what she'd get for? I'm like, this is all sentimental value. Yeah. The only value, dude. Man, that's funny. Wow. OK. Left money around the house.

My mom's moving now. She's like, moving to a condo, you know, she's down. Scaling down, yeah. She goes, I found $400 underneath the bathroom sink the other day. Oh, wow. Old school mentality, great depression mentality. Just have cash on hand in case you need it.

You got to go down there and take a lap. Dude, she goes, if I don't get rid of the house and I die, she goes, comb this house for cash, because who knows where your father left money. Yeah, dude. Totally. My, uh. She'll be down there.

My uncle did that, was read on the walls. I got a fucking belt. My uncle did that, was redoing the basement. And it was like an old, there was like a, you know, 100-year-old guy, an old couple to live their whole lives. And he was redoing the basement, found like eight grand, or nine to 10 grand or something, yeah. You got to stow it away.

Jesus. That's old school. You're peeing in the shower, I assume? Absolutely. Pressing your teeth in there? Nope. I do that over the sink. Electric toothbrush, regular toothbrush.

You floss it every day? Not at all. OK. Although, I'm thinking about getting a water pick. Ooh. I tried it. Everybody talks about it. That seemed, I floss, it's very, I love it.

I'm the only thing I do. You know, water pick seems like it would be reasonable. Yeah, water pick's a lot, it's, I don't know, it's just not convenient for me, didn't seem to do it. What I do recommend. It takes up a lot of counter space in the fucking bathroom, which I don't have. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I keep it, not in, I keep it, I have like a thing in the hallway where I keep it, but I recommend to keep it in my asshole. Do you do that in the hallway? No. OK. It's also just like, have you ever done it? Do you carry it in and plug it in? It's, no, you don't have to plug it in.

It's charged. Oh, it is? Hold the charge. Huh, yeah. It's like a vape. It's pretty good. Charging my vape, bro. No, it's like, it's a weird, whatever.

It's right next to the door to the bathroom. It's kind of like in the bathroom. But no good? Your mouth fills with water, it's like, I don't know, I can never get it cooked into the point where I go, oh, I feel clean. I mean, for me, it's better than nothing at my point. Try the pics.

Like the little, I'm telling you, dude, there's one called Glide that's like orgasmic when it goes in. Really? Yeah, yeah. It's not like traditional floss. You don't got to get in there. In and out, I'm telling you. I don't give it a world.

Give it a shot. Andy, do you know your mailman? Kind of. Yeah? We're on a heads up basis. We not first name basis. But when he's around, he's a young guy. Full uniform?

Full uniform. Full uniform. The younger crew gets a little laxadaisical with it. A little like a t-shirt and a short or whatever. There's actually two guys. One guy, he puts his phone on top of the mailbag and he just pushes and he watches his programs. But then the other guy, he's a little more formal.

He's the one I know. But you know, Queens is straight, it's more residential. So everybody does kind of. But yeah, it's just like, hey man, how are you? No first name though. Not bad. I haven't talked about this. I got a hot Dominican chick now.

Really? Hot, young Dominican chick. It's crazy. Oh my God. It's crazy. The uniform. Second mile. She's got the shorts on.

She's got a tight t-shirt. She's out smoking Newport 300s. Dude, these things are huge. She's out there. You're sending yourself birthday cards? Ha ha ha ha. Lot of junk mail today, huh? Bet that wool's pretty hot, huh?

Another letter from the Large Peanuts Society, man. I believe that. It's twice this week. Right, sorry. The LPS. He sent me my achievement award. Lifetime achievement award for a huge Dongitis? The LPS.

The Society. The Society. Just the Society. You open him up in front of me. How's the fucking Society? Yeah. You got any fireworks in the house? Not in my apartment.

But you can bet they're at my mom's house. OK. Really? We have a big, our whole block. Fourth of July? Fourth of July. So it's like a neighborhood thing. That's awesome.

When is she moving out of there? The end of this month. Is she keeping the house or is she? No, I sold it. Do you know the people? No. Damn. I know.

You got to get down there, dude. I'm a little sad. I can imagine. I can imagine. Yeah, if I can comb the walls a little bit. I know. I know. Yeah, that's a bummer.

Yeah, a little bit. But it's not the house we grew up in, but it's right down the street from the house we grew up in. You guys moved right down the street? They moved. There's one in between. One house? So this is the third house I've lived in.

I actually never lived in this house. I was already in the city. But my parents, when we were like 14, I was 14, they moved across town. And then I had graduated, my sister graduated college. My university is seven years younger than me. They downsized. OK.

But they liked that neighborhood. And they were like, yeah, we just bought it. Indian Head Road. There you go. How far? It's a nice road. Wait, how many houses in between it? Indian Head Road.

Yeah. It sounds really good. It's nice. It's private. It's like one house in between. So they moved to like. They're very spaced out. It's more woodsy.

You know? Woodsy. More rural. Yeah. OK. Nice, man. What's the condo situation your mom's looking at? Nice joint?

Yeah, three bedroom. OK. One floor. OK. Elevator building. That's, yeah, pretty standard condo. I just like that security that the shit ever went down the toilet.

I know I got a spot. Exactly. You know you got three bedrooms and then you got a spot. Right. Elevator building. She starts talking about a studio. I know, I know. I'm already trying to figure out which bedroom I can take.

I think I'll put one. Get your posters up. Ma, you got a good frame guy down there? I know. Put the bunk beds in here. I don't want to hear any bullshit about a sewing room. Now, how the studs in this new place? Can they hold a 30 inch TV?

Wood studs are metal. What are we talking about? I got to get my ma on. I got to get her some TVs hung on the wall. She's still got a cabinet. OK. And she's ready to bring it over. We can save so much space.

It's this fucking huge thing. And it's a stupid 20 inch, like the first flat screen ever. Sure. Because she doesn't care. She just got a smartphone. Literally, she called me today. She goes, first phone call on the smartphone. She got an iPhone, like six.

And she's like, you got to teach me how to do all the tricks and the gadgets. It'll drive you nuts. We're dealing with my mom. She's OK, though. Once she learns it, she'll be OK. But she fought this so long. She was a flip phone up until yesterday?

They're shutting off 2G. It's just shutting down. Wait, she's got 2G. She had. She literally finally upgraded it. She has one stand. And I like these theories. The clamshell.

And they go, we're cutting it off. You won't be able to use 2G in this country. So you've got to go to Guatemala to use it, yeah. Nice at weekends, though. So my little sister took her Verizon. They got her an iPhone 6. And she could take pictures now. And like, I don't know.

Maybe we'll get her on the gram. There you go. Get her on the gram. Get her on the gram. Gram on the gram. Hashtag check right. Check out the new stuff. I need everybody pushing this guy.

Get on the gram. I need eyeballs. Get over here. We dropped a promo today. Boogie Nights reference. The Boogie Nights. It's a real film, Jack. Oh, I saw.

I saw, yeah, yeah. I'll put it all up on YouTube and shit. That's awesome, buddy. I like it. I like getting fun with the promos. You know, I love doing the movie references. Big movie guy. Yeah, I think it's just fun.

Maybe we'll recreate a Seinfeld one. There you go. Yeah, I like that. That'd be fun. Have you ever gone to a midnight movie and dressed up? No. That's a great question. But I did, I have started to see my favorite movies

from when I was a kid in the theater that I never saw in the theater. I never saw Jaws in the theater. OK. I just went and saw the 50th anniversary Godfather. OK. Like in the theater. Woo.

What a ride that was in the theater. There's a. I would like that. I would really like that. I talk about it a lot, but I was dating this girl in New York and they reissued or they put ET back out in theaters. Yeah. And dude, our relationship was on the rocks at the time.

I was in a real bad spot mentally, financially and physically. And man, about halfway through it, I'm balling my fucking eyes out. I cried from the middle of the movie all the way to the end and then we get back on the spade. I was crying so hard when we left the theater that she walked to the other side of the street and walked down it.

Broke up with me like the next day. What a smart lady. Dude, it got me so hard. ET. H Foley, go home. The funniest. One of the funniest things I've ever heard my entire life is Big J.

Oaksson used to describe. He goes, one time I saw the worst finish line I ever saw. It looked like when ET was dying down by the river. It made me fucking cry. Because we all know exactly where the fucking train and the shrivel. Poor little guy. I left him there.

Let's do a couple from the Patreon here, gang. Shout out to it, guys. When you sign up for Patreon, we will answer your garbage question on the air. We have a little bit of a backlog, but we're working through it. It's just the best way to do. We get submissions, people hit us up on Instagram,

everywhere, guys. Patreon gets first crack at it, I'm sorry. Although we love everybody. Be a homie, not a bozo. Let's see here. This is from Carl Dadman. Did your parents ever take you to the horse track? No, I've never been to a horse track.

Really? I've never even been. Wow, that's a good time. We would go as kids a little, my step-moms dad. That's a stretch. Would take us. He was a big... Your step-grandfather. Yeah, but now he's...

You called him by his regular name, though, I assume. Yeah, yeah, that was Jim. Grandpa Jim. No, it was just Jim. It was just, hey, Jim, how you doing? Mr. Jim. James for the first couple of years. Jimbo!

You don't have to be 18 or 21 to go to the track? To gamble, no, to go. No, 18 to gamble. That was also the first time because we were big degenerates. That was the first legal bet I ever placed was... We went as kids to the Philly racetrack as like a whole family went one day. On the weekends, I think on Saturday and Philly,

on Saturday and Sunday, I think they run. It's a great, you're outside, it's fun. The kids like the horse, there's a whole nine year. That's real dirtbag mentality. But it's a good time. It used to be my kind of thing. It used to be BYOB. So you roll out with a cooler, you post up,

put a couple of bucks on the ponies, catching your siggies outside. No, the biggest dirtbag thing is that you had to say first legal bet. Sure. Oh, what a fucking asshole. I think Spain's been sitting in ivory liquid this whole time. Dude, I love a BYOB.

BYOB anything is great. Can I tell you my favorite BYOB? BYOB is bowling. BBYOB. They do... Yeah, that's a tough one, right? Where do they do that? Fuckin' Brynmore, Pennsylvania.

That's what we did in college. On Friday after three o'clock, we'd take a rack and split it into teams of three and you'd fucking... Just have that. So you'd get competitive and you'd just pound fucking natty lights. And that's where you started your weekend.

Dude, I was talking about this at my college by the other day. The funnest times you've ever had. Just a 30 rack and three on three bowling. You'd compare your scores. Kicking things off. Dude, that's a fun time. I would do that right now.

Let's get out of here. Put it on the MX. Yeah, anything BYOB. Philly's big on BYOB restaurants, which is I love. You roll in six packs. It's like the ice, everything down for you. I mean, taking beer to a BYOB.

It's supposed to be a couple bottles of wine. As a family, I remember being in a couple. I think there's this place from the boot in Washington Hill or something over there. It was a big deal. We were at the dinner for the first time there. My brother, I knew the place. And we walked.

We rolled in there with a cooler. A couple of younglings fucking doing it right. If you're going to do beers, it's got to be bottles. You can't be cracking cans in a fucking BYOB restaurant. North Jersey, hot 22s, BYOB strip club. So Pennsylvania has some. Yeah, we used to call it the Concha Hocking Ballet. We used to call it.

That's where he lives senior year. I wish I actually knew the real name. I'm down here at the ballet. I'm a big patron of the arts. We call it. Anybody want to go dancing today? We'll go to the Concha Hocking Ballet. Do a little two-step in the parking lot.

Little slow dancing. Listen, here's the deal. I'm really upset with you guys. You've been hiding the most for me for a little time. I've been drinking with him every weekend. What are you talking about? All right, we'll hang out next time. It's Obey.

Come on, man. Hey, he's all right. You know what it is? We're on a strawberry for me and my friends. I just did the Seinfeld guys' pot the other day. I came up with it. Well, these pretzels are making me thirsty. That one.

Shout out. We've done it. I've done it. Have you did it? I've not gotten a chance to do it. I'm looking forward to it. It's so fun. They're so fun.

Yes, I am. They are not. He asked you two years ago. You're not going to do it now. I've been jammed up. What do you mean? I'm in. Jerry.

I would love to fight. I would love to go. Bowling in New York City is a goddamn atrocity. They only have that one in Brooklyn, I know. Houses and some of the hollocks. Yeah, and they got the lights in the bag. That's a shit. It's not a mom and pop.

No, you don't want that rock and roll bullshit. It's $50 to rent these piece of shit shoes. And it costs like $80 an hour. And yeah, I mean, it's a real fucking yearbook. There's a place where my mom called Fisenda Winnaker. Fisenda Winnaker. And somebody got shot there like a couple months ago. It's the perfect kind of spot.

Little shitty arcade off to the side. You need an arcade. The mozzarella sticks are fired. Yeah, we had a. I'm having my next birthday party there. Brunswick Zone. It's a great time. When I was in college, you come home for the summer.

And on like Tuesday nights, they did dollar bowling and dollar beers. But they had to pay full price for the shoes, which you didn't mind because you're getting a dollar beer. You know what I mean? You beat them up on that end of it. Don't worry, we make it up at shoes. Guys, I was like, I'll throw up.

I'm like, listen, I'm going to charge you full price for shoes. Just say, OK, beat them up on a beer. Beers are a nickel. Shoes are eight grand. You know, there's one guy in that group who goes, I brought my own. Man, there's always a kid that tried to bowl with Adam.

Man, those floors will take you out. I stole a pair in high school one time. We went to have a ski trip to Vermont, a high school sponsored ski trip. And I ganked a pair. Gang to try, if you were. Like Burlington. Oh, love that.

Show up to a mixer wearing those. It's not a lady show. It's show up to the ballet. That's a big velcro strap over there. Smell like chemicals. All right, this one's from Alex in the same vein of Clash Trips. Is it garbage for your high school

to take your class on a field trip to the local jail? We did. That's like scared straight? Adam's going to say, scared straight. No, we did just to learn when we were learning about government. We went to the courthouse and then the jail. Well, we couldn't make it to the jail because something popped off that day.

Do you have kids? Quickly, quickly, quickly kids. Nobody wear red. Nobody wear red. That was the day they transferred the Iceman in. Shout out to the Iceman. No one make eye contact. Holy shit.

You know what? You might have jogged the memory. I think we went to the courthouse. Yeah, so we were supposed to do the courthouse, and then we were supposed to do the jail. The courthouse usually has a small jail. Well, no, we were supposed to do the proper. But that got, you know, whatever.

Shit, shit, popped off that day. So we just did the local one in the courthouse. Yeah. Now, fuck that. We went to. And then I got caught smoking cigs at the Burger King. We did the Hatfield plant, Franklin Institute. Hatfield plant.

Yeah, that was it. What, are you going to pick up a job application? He's going to see your future. Hey, these guys stink. Take the idiots down to the Hatfield plant. This is where you cut their throats, all right. If you just go into a rendering plant. Uh.

What are you doing with those horses? What the fuck? Everyone's crying. Hey, you like glue, don't you, kid? Shut up. You like doing those arts and crafts, huh, fat fuck? Now you stop crying, and pick up a hole. Chuck it in.

I don't have a laugh this hard. Hurry up, you little fat bastard. The vat's cooling off. I don't get how they make glue out of it. The vat. Vat is, there's so many vats. Why don't you use a good vat? That's fun time.

Yeah, it's good. Thought I had more there. I was waiting for something to be honest with you. Love a vat. Good fat. This is from Oliver. My question is, does a garbage eat cereal out of a cup? I remember the day I found out my brother was like,

just put it in a cup and let's go outside. And I was like, blew my mind. I mean, I don't know if I disagree with it. It's just too small a vessel. It's true. It's more of a snack. I need more golden grams than that. What more blew my mind was when I realized

you didn't have to use a cereal bowl. You could use a mixing bowl. That's, now we're talking. And also, when I realized. Upperware was big for that. Oh. That's the thing we make the Zedian. See, it's got the red shit on it.

The bowl of cereal in a Tupperware. Oh, man. Absolutely. Close it up, shake it up, get everything all wet. Yeah. Get it nice. And also, too, the up step from the teaspoon to the tablespoon was big for a man very big.

Very, very big. I remember going over, I had to sleep over one time. And the kid that we were having his life added sugar. First time I ever saw it blew my mind. Really? We weren't just like, my mom never gave that option to us. He put sugar on a cereal.

I went, what do you do with it? My mom did that with special cake because I was pissed. There was no frosted flakes. You got to zhuzh up a life for a cereal, a Rice Krispies. Oh, forget it. That was standard operating procedure at the House of Crazy because my mom wouldn't get a sugar cereal, but she would get us Cheerios or Rice Krispies

and she would sprinkle it with sugar. Yeah. Straight to the source. Let's go. That's good living. It's like a little blue magic on there. Let's do it, Pally. No beating around the bush.

No kidding. Un-pure. Pure as a bone. Stepped on. Let's go. Stepped on? I don't want that street shit. Yeah.

Give me the good stuff. I don't want that. I don't want that. Kelly's got his fingers in it. That's my kid. Do the math myself. All right, let's see. This one's from Sean.

Is it garbage to consider certain types of jams or spreads as fancy? We thought marmalade was for rich folk. Yeah. Yeah. I thought it was, too. We never got that. But if it comes in a nicer jar other than like smuckers

or fucking. Palaner all fruit. Might as well have been eight grand a bottle. I don't even know what that is. It's the tall, thin European looking one. Yeah. Palaner all fruit. If you're calling anything a spread.

Sure. Spreads. It's not jelly. It's classy. We only got grape jelly. We remember that commercial? We're past the jelly. Yeah.

Remember that hill, Billy? It was, I think it was Palaner, maybe. I do remember that. Somebody will know. Somebody correct me. Yeah. Palaner all fruit. Past the jelly.

Some redneck. And there was also. And he was like a nice, like past the marmalade. And he'd be like, past the jelly. There it is. Palaner all fruit commercial. There you go. Damn.

Yeah, man. What a fucking snipe that was. Look at that. Yeah, we didn't get, did you, what did you, what did you get peanut butter jelly wise? Was it strawberry or was it smuckers? Smuckers, strawberry? Grape smuckers.

Grape jelly or grape jam? Jelly. Jelly. Here's the thing, I'm not too accurate on that because I didn't love the peanut butter and J. I like just the PB and bread. Wow. I'm a big P man myself.

Yeah. A lot of kids. Yeah. I was just playing. Just plain peanut butter. I liked plain things. Plain pizza, no peanut butter. Really?

I wanted one thing. I love them. I'm the same. PB and J. Same. I still don't do PB. Yeah, baby. Really?

Yeah. Same strawberry and jam guy. Peanut butter patties? Let's go. What are we doing? This guy's my best goddamn friend. They've been all my life. Chunky peanut butter or smooth?

Smooth. Smooth criminal. Look at you. Little boop, little boop, boop. All right. Let's do want to do more here. And then we got to rip her off. Fully disapproval.

All right. All right, I guess. Can wrap it up now if you want. If you want to live from here. If you want to be such a fucking asshole. Get this guy out of here. I thought you'd be a strawberry jam kind of guy. I can't help you.

All right, this one's from Fully Lies. He calls himself a half a gram homie here. You'll know what that means. Always knowing exactly how much money you have. Trash. Oh, yeah. Which I guess if you're. I do.

If it's in a, yeah. Down to the penny. Yeah. Yeah. If it's in a world, I guess that's under the assumption of like, it's countable. And you're worried about it. Always.

We clearly know my situation. We know how much money he doesn't have. Here's the thing too. I think if you grow up without money, you always know how much money you have. Yeah. And I don't think that'll ever leave you. Even if you make money, you still

will always have that in your head. I did this to him. We were on tour with Burt. We were in Las Vegas. He has no idea how much money he has. Oh, no. I think he forgets. Yeah.

No, but we're just beautiful thing going on. We're out doing this awesome stuff. And I'm leaning over to Kevin going, look at that. Right there, the 38 cents. I could have sworn something was moved out of my account. He's got his Navy Federal Banking App out going, something's wrong here.

And I go, I doubt it, man. They do five million transactions a day. And you're an idiot. So it's probably. I had him added up numbers. I'm like, what's 200? So I had my phone out. I'm going, 200.

And first of all, it's like the most elementary math in the world. It's like, 200 plus 5 plus 10 plus 100. I'm like, OK, man, I don't know. What do you got over there? Yeah. Yeah. We should have been focused on this great thing.

Just wanted to see if you got the same number I did. He's like, I don't know. I got to call them. OK, he's on speakerphone with Navy. I'm like, dude. You clipping coupons over there or what? No. He suffers from a bad case of paranoia and he's doffing.

Five dollars off anywhere in the area. He thinks Navy Federal is stealing money from them all the time. Well, they got these fishing scams. They take a little off at first as if you notice, and then they hit you with the big one. I ain't going to work with me. It's all in short. It's a bank.

I don't like it. It's the principle. The big short. Yeah, right. They whack you over the head. Sell, sell, sell. Big shorts with full of wears in the summertime. Uh, big shorts.

The rip shorts, the sequel. All right, let's do this one. We got to get out of here. This is Alfredo, $20 homie. There you go. Shout out to him. There you go. Is it garbage?

Have fake fruit as a centerpiece at the kitchen table. 100% Dude, that's all we had. And I would argue, I would argue it's still there. The grapes always look delicious though. We would chew on them. Anyway, they would stay, there was a little hole, and they would stick to your tongue.

Absolutely. I would choke on them sometimes. My mom would yell at me. We would juggle the fucking oranges. It was great. It's a fucking choking hazard, dude. It was, oh, we love. That's all fake fruit.

There was a kind, not the wax ones, but the rubber ones. If you took the grapes off the vine, you could squeeze it, put it in a little water, and get a little squirt out of it. I would take those, and squeeze them, and they would stick to your tongue. That's good chewing though. Oh, those are chewing. That was never-ending gum.

What are you talking about? Yeah, that's good chewing. Couple of boys sitting around having a chew. Having a chew. That's a lot of gum. Oh, we got to wrap it up. Gang. What a great time.

Thank you so much. The new special out right now, Andrew Fury on YouTube. Check right. Please. Do yourself a favor. YouTube slash Andrew Fury. Telefriend. Check right.

Telefriend. Check them out of patties this Friday. Yeah, seriously. And if anybody was asked, when does this come out Thursday? I'm not sure yet. I got to see you. Well, if you're in the city Thursday, April, October 6th, come down.

We're doing a thing at Spikes on 14th and 8, 7 p.m. I have a little release party. I would love to stay at the AYG Army. Love it. Say hi. Thank you, buddy. Anything else you want the folks that don't know? Plug social media, anything.

Depending on the soljoles in Potsdown or one of those, wherever soljoles is, Saturday, October 8th, Borgata, AC, October 14th, the 16th, Charlotte Comedy Zone, 20 through the 22nd, AndyFiori.com for all the dates and all the links. And yeah, just watch the special. I think you guys will like it. Tell a friend.

I'm proud of it. So I hope you like it. You're one of the funniest, buddy. And we love you. Thanks. We love you guys so much. What do you got for him? Guys, we're all over the road.

Check out those tickets. We had a show in Providence. Had a show in Boston. Those are going to sell out. So get those tickets now. Come see us in Hotland. It's going to be a good time. Hotland and Charlotte as well.

We love you, gang. We'll see you next week. Peace.