Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Anthony DeVito: Jersey Boy

Episode Date: November 23, 2020

Kippy and Foley are back with another WILD episode with hilarious comedian Anthony DeVito. Anthony talks growing up in New Jersey, finding out who is real father is, and growing up in a house with a guy on the couch. Its a hot one! Enjoy! Bonus Episodes: www.Patreon.com/AreYouGarbage www.PodcastMerch.com Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage. It's the show we sit down with your favorite comedians and find out if they grew up classy or if they're a big old piece of doodoo. I'm your host H. Foley coming at you on a beautiful day down here in Toody's basement on a Saturday. You gotta love it, baby. The sauce is ragu and the prescriptions are all generic.

My co-host coming at you from right next to me. He's the guy who put this whole thing together. He's the Elon Musk for Are You Garbage. It's got a Corvette out there in space somewhere with a guy sitting in it. Give it up for Kippy, Kevin James Ryan everybody. Hey gang, happy to be here. Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube.

Those numbers are true to fucking roof. Thank you very much. Also, you know, the bread and butter what pays the bills. What's that? www.patreon.com. Bonus content. Are You Garbage? You get bonus episodes, bonus videos.

We're going to be doing a live stream at the end of the month where we get to play with Are You Garbage with you guys. You get to ask us questions. It's going to be a big old family fucking patty. So check it out. And we got good stuff on there, good content. Yeah. For the first one, we called our moms. The second one, Foley made me have milk with dinner.

Plus some bonus videos. Some bonus videos. I just posted a video. Yeah, he just posted a video. All but whole. Yeah. Also, we got merch. Go to podcastmerge.com.

Get that merch. Get that merch. Get that merch. And let's take a second. Let's tip our hat to our old pal, our producer extraordinaire. They're very funny. They're very confident. They're very cool.

The magic man. Toby McMullen, everybody. T-Bone. What's up, T-Bone? The big T. Back there, working the ones and twos. But gang, that's all neither here nor there. We got a hot one.

Let's get to the fucking business we are to do at 2-4 here today. And that is, we could not be more excited to have our incredibly, incredibly special guest here with us this afternoon. This man is a very successful, very funny, stand-up comedian, actor, and writer. As an actor, he has appeared in Hardest Job in Sports, Vanilla, and the Chris Kettered presents. As a writer, he's written on The Break with Michelle Wolfe. And he was also the co-host and writer for People Talking Sports and other stuff with Sam Murrell. As a welder. What do you give him the reveal for you, dummy?

It doesn't matter with you. He has an amazing one-man show that he can't wait to get back up and doing once the pandemic's over. Called My Dad is in Danny DeVito. He has an album out called Dream Occupation. And as a stand-up comedian, this young man is performed on Gotham Comedy Live. Comedians in public. Adam Devine's House Party. Late show with Stephen Colbert.

He has his own Comedy Central Presents. And he just did the stand-up show with John Doar. But the big question, everybody's mind is, hey, does he work for the Imperial Center on Star Wars? You're right, I do. One of the fine senators of Naboo. This guy's a big Mandalorian fan. He came in full and bus-guard. Gang, do me a favor.

Give it up for the Precautious. The very funny, the very talented, the absolutely amazing Mr. Anthony DeVito. Thank you so much, man. What an intro. Thanks for coming, buddy. That mask. I love it. I get it.

If you're not aware, New York, we got a little spike going on over here. So we're all taking extra precautions. Everything's been sanitized down. We wore masks up until now. And Anthony's going one step further, protecting us and protecting you, the viewers, with his face shield. Yeah, it's for you guys at home. That's really who it is. We don't know how far this virus can travel.

Sure. And it could get into the wires. The headphones. You could find it in your kitchen. The headphones is what does it, man. It got to look crazy. Yeah, a little bit. There's so many things happening around my face right now.

But here's the thing. If this was like, He's got so many accessories on. Yeah, so many. I feel like a guy at the Met Gala. If this was like 1983 and you were at a college party, you'd be crushing everything. What kind of fucking college did you go to?

I mean, like, you know, like the whole nerd wave of the early 80s. What do you mean? I don't know. He looks like he's in, uh, what's it called? If he walks into a college party, get a fucking wedge. What are you talking about? I don't know if you've wedged this kind of guy. I'd argue with you, you wouldn't.

I think you'd be sort of afraid. What's the band that sings with you? He's got plutonium on him or something. Doc! Doc! More of that. The Libyans! Run, Monty!

Oh, man. That might be Gaddafi from the future. That's what I would say. I think time travel was so prevalent in the 80s. Yeah, sure. It was a hot button. I think you would be like, we got ourselves a time travel. Stay away.

I'm talking about, like, Devo and stuff like that. Oh, I see. Oh, yes, sure. That was very niche. I could definitely be in a German pop band. I think for sure. You could be spinning records in Ibiza right now. Killing it.

Anthony, thank you so much for sitting in with us. Thank you so much for being here. Of course. Give us the origin story. I know it's a little interesting. You're a Jersey kid. I am. I grew up in North Jersey in Essex County.

I grew up in the same town where the last scene of the Sopranos was shot there. Very, very Italian area. I found out, very, very big Italian family. I was raised, my household was my mom, my grandma, my great-grandmother, one of my aunts, and my shelf. Gee, all the same household? Yeah, same household. Was it, like, broken up into apartments or, like, one whole house?

No, no. We lived in one leather shoe. Oh, my gosh. No, yeah. No, my mom and my grandma slept in my grandma's bedroom on the first floor. Together? Same bed. Yeah.

Wait, your mom and your grandmother slept in the same bed? Same bed. Just like they were. Just like they were as kids. So they slept in the same bed. Then my great-grandmother and my aunt lived in separate rooms upstairs. I slept in the basement downstairs. And then there was a man in our living room who I just, my whole family would joke around

and call him the tenant. That's who I thought he was. You know, I thought he was a renter. And then I had a friend come over in first grade, first time I ever had somebody over. And you know, like, when you have somebody over and you're like... That kid went home like, what the fuck? He's like, yo, mom, no more of the Davidos, okay? Wait, hold on, hold on.

They're all wearing face shields. They're from the future, I tell you. 2020, you watch. It's coming. Wait a minute. When you say in the living room, was it set up like a living room or was it made to look like a bedroom? No, no.

It was very much just an ordinary living room. And they, he just slept on the floor. There was just a guy who slept on the floor. Like a pilt, like, did he have like a sleeping bag or anything? Or there was, he might have had a pillow. And there was just, I didn't even think he had his own pillow. I think it was a pillow, like a throw pillow from the couch. Oh man, that's a tough one.

So there was him in the living room. And then there was that moment where you're like, oh, I got, you know, you don't see any other families. All your life. This is your normal. Pretty much. From when you became self-aware. When, from when I gained consciousness, this is my life.

And then friend comes over, first grade, looks around, gets to the living room. He's like, who's the man in your living room? I was like, that's our tenant. And he was, uh, then later that night I was like, he was like, what's a tenant? I was like, I don't really know what that is. He's a guy who's on the couch. Yeah. That's what a fucking tenant is.

So, so I've been told. So then I asked my mom about it that night and she goes, I never thought we would have to tell you this. That's not the tenant. You never thought you'd have to explain the dude sleeping on a throw pillow? Man. I was trying to watch Saturday morning cartoons. Talking about shortsighted.

You know, it goes, it also goes to show you how much of a non inquisitive kid I was. She's like, you can throw anything in this kid's face. He won't say anything. It's this kid's fucking kid. He's never going to ask me. All right. He's fucking dumbass. I didn't think he'd ever figure it the fuck out.

Yeah, man. He's happy with life as it is at all times. So, who is he? So, I asked my mom about that and my mom goes, that's your grandfather. So, what happened? He cheated. This is the real thing. He was an old guy?

Uh, yeah. He was a pretty old guy. What do you mean? Wait, hold on. Oh, please don't. It's true. So, stop along the way. Sure.

I pictured a younger guy. Younger guy. Yeah. Well. If you were sick, say, what's he, like, 50s? Probably. I mean, you know, when you're real young, you're like... It's like 100 or 12.

Someone who's 30s, 105 years old. So, yeah, he was probably like 50s, 60s. Okay. I'd say somewhere in there. And then, yeah, he turned out that he was my grandfather. He cheated on my grandmother in the 50s. She never forgave him. You know, Italian couple, they didn't get a divorce.

Oh, man. The house was in his name, and she wasn't going to spend any more money, she said, on him, even to get a divorce. So, she just banished him to the living room, exiled there. All the food in the fridge was marked, not for John. He couldn't eat anything except the waffles. And, yeah, that's just one... That's a fucking grudge right there.

That's a bad Airbnb, if you ask me. Oh, man. I was scared out of... My grandmother, it's like, you know what I mean? This went beyond, like, threatening me with a wooden spoon. I was like, she could... Psychological warfare. Oh, yeah, that's nuts.

Holy shit. Well, okay, here's the thing that I'm curious about. How would you not... Even if he did cheat, and him and this... There was a strange relationship between him and his grandmother. Why... They never introduced him to you as... This is your...

The guy you've been living with... It's fucking cold-blooded. ...is your grandfather. No, I think... He didn't pick you up and hold you and give you hugs and kisses? Well, he did. He would try those things. And a tenant.

I just thought he was an... I thought he was an affectionate renter. I really did. Oh, my God. And then, yeah, it turned out to be that. And I think my mom didn't want to see an example of, like, what marriage could turn into or whatever. And I think at some point they thought, like, he'd move out or whatever.

They didn't... He lived in the fucking living room. They didn't know she was... That's... You're even more fucked up because of that. Probably. All right, there's got to be so many things in this jar. Not that a guy gets a hanker in every once in a while after a couple of schlitzes.

Jesus, we're fucking human beings. What did that do to you? I don't know. There was... I just made him become a welder. Yeah. That's when I first... Picked up a train during the union.

Yeah. Get some good pennies. Let's go. You were sitting there with a mask on. How do you think it did? I went the next day. The comics have some fucked up background. Went to my first union meeting.

Joined the local. Yeah. What if it was like, wait, was a pandemic going on? Just doing some jig welding downstairs. So it's three years. Finally, the world's caught up. Dude, that's nuts. Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, it probably did things to me later on in life. When you're a kid, there's just so much nonsense. That's just what it is. Did the relationship change after that? Not really. What? You didn't say, hey, you're my... Hey, you're my fucking grandfather?

Why didn't he tell you? Well, I think he was under the assumption... He was clearly afraid of the grandmother. I mean, he got the guy sleeping on the fucking floor. What the fuck did he leave? He's better off out of her. Well, the house was in his name. He's just like a very proud guy.

What did he do for a living? He was a mechanic in the Bronx. So he was getting up and going to work every day. Coming home to sleep on the Harwood floor. Oh, yeah. What, he put pajamas on? Well, yeah, he wore these black sweatpants. He never wore a shirt.

I never saw the man with a shirt on in his whole life. He wore these black sweatpants. What the fuck? Yeah, he wore these black sweatpants. He'd watch animal shows, and he'd eat waffles. That's all I knew of the man. He didn't talk much. You're great.

He didn't say much. He didn't... No, like, he was under the assumption he was... He was under the assumption that I knew he was my grandfather. So he was just doing grandfather stuff. You just thought he didn't like him? Yeah, he just thought I was... This guy, I don't like this guy.

Yeah, he's like, my grandson's a little cold. Yeah, but this kid's weird. I'll do my best here. Can you find this kid ice cream? He goes, thank you, renter. I'll put in a good word for you. Boy, he lives by a weird code, but it's his. You call him Mr. DeVito or something like that.

Would he take you to the park? No, never do anything like that. I didn't see him too much, because he worked long hours, and then he had another... Later, we learned he had another family on his side. You know, the man had a busy day. Hot meal. So he was gone for most of the day.

I would see him on weekends a little bit here and there, and then I would see him when I left for school, and then maybe late at night, but he'd probably get home like 10 or 11 o'clock. Did he sleep there every night? No, he did. So I think maybe he had another family and moved on, but he stayed there a couple of nights a week

just to make sure, legally, that he still lives in the house. Probably. Yeah, he was there probably... Now, looking back, he's probably there like four or five, you know, four nights a week. But wait, if he had another house and had another family, why didn't he just sell the old house? Or... Well, because my whole family lived there,

so I didn't think he wasn't going to do that. So why wouldn't he just fucking bounce and just stay? Nine women would be on the street if he did that. And a kid with a face shield. Why wouldn't he just fucking, you know, not go to sleep? Yeah, I mean, you're also thinking this like logic. Like, who knows? I mean, he decided to sleep on the floor,

where he's clearly not like processing all the fucking options. To some degree, he's like, well, he still looked at it as like his house and his family, so he wanted to be around him. Put time in and fucking sleep, be semi-present or whatever. Because my mom and my youngest aunt who lived in the house... And was that their dad? Yes, exactly.

So this is their dad. Yeah, so he's like in the house with his kids. And they still loved him. You never heard your aunt or your mother call this guy dad? No, no, no, no. He was John. They would date... I mean, they were funny, so they would just call him the tenant,

and I just thought that's who he was. And then them just hearing that, they were like, ah, man, this kid's just 60s a tenant. We'll never have to tell him this weird thing. I'm fucking blown away. Dude, that's bananas. Yeah. That might be the one of the...

I mean, we've had some wild fucking stories, but that's up there. My family, they're great, kind and loving people, but they're out to lunch. I mean, this is just the one thing. Allen left Phil with a hockey stick. Yeah. They don't even know.

It's a broom. They think it's a hockey stick. It's not a real one. So no brothers and sisters. No brothers and sisters. What was your room like? My room, I slept in a very just... a very unpolished damn basement.

Dude, basement kids can go either way. It can either be really cool and tricked out, or you're just like in the cellar. It looked like... Yes, it looked... You ever see those like black and white footages of like a steel factory in Pittsburgh? Very much looked like that.

Kind of Blair witchy a little bit. Yes, very Blair witchy. Sure. It was just a electrified of the dark. It was just a blast furnace. Oh my God. Water surging through pipes at odd hours. And then just an already scared boy.

Just under the covers. Freaked out. Are you the penguin? What the fuck? Yeah. That's nuts. I do have an affinity for fish. Let's not rule it out.

Wow. A blast furnace. I do like a nice mackerel from time to time. What a nice mackerel right out of the ocean. A dehumidifier scares a little kid. A fucking blast furnace. Dude, I was just... I was just at my parents' basement getting all this shit.

And I was legit. I took one look into that crawl space and hit the fucking brick. I ran up the stairs so quick. Horrifying. I was a fucking 30, 40-year-old baldy man. Oh, yeah. I am so glad you said that. I would run up the stairs.

I got this in my head that, like, the dark could get you if you didn't run fast enough. You got a stick and move coming out of the basement. Man. You weren't yet. Yeah, man. I was, like, fighting Ali down there. I would run so fast from my bed to get cereal. Man, it was, like, lightning quick up those stairs.

And if I, like, fell or tripped, it was like a guy in Vietnam. Like, I just kept going. Go without me! Save yourself! Hey, tenant, save yourself! The darkness got me. Oh, I thought the darkness could get me. Oh, yeah.

I legit still think that. Real cool kid over here. It wasn't real fun at sleepovers. No, no. I'd leave him every time. A stomach ache would hit every time at two in the morning. Really? I'd leave every sleepover.

He's like, hey, Timmy, can you turn the blast furnace up a little bit? Yeah. Trying to feel at home over here. Does anyone have night terrors in your family? I'd like to get a good night's sleep. I figured you'd want to do sleepovers. Yeah. Well, I liked when they slept over.

But if I slept over at somebody else's house, you know, I would freak out. Because I was petrified at the dark. So once that, you know, the movie ended and I was like, I couldn't sleep. So then everyone was sound asleep and it was just me and my old friend, the blackness. Buddy, I was laying there looking up at the ceiling. Like, how the fuck do I get out of this situation? Is it too late to call dad? What are we doing?

I didn't. I was so afraid I would march into parents' bedrooms of friends. Really? And just knock on the door and go, oh, that was a bagel bite. Students didn't sit right. You got to get me out of here. Call my mom and then she'll pick me up. Like an old Jewish account.

Yeah. I go, why don't you look at your books? You got your receipts on you. Mrs. Stevenson. What was in that pot room? And then out the cells are in a cab quick. Kevin, let me ask you this. You're, you're a first, second grade.

You get the big invite over to your good friend, Anthony DeVito's house for a nice sleepover. Happy to have you. You have a nice. Bring your own. Well, you have a nice time and it's time to go to bed. And he puts me in the basement. He starts leading you down to fucking Buffalo Bill's place. It puts the jammies on.

It puts the jammies on. What's this bar of soap for? Don't worry about a young Kevin. Just clean yourself. How long are you hanging in there before you got Denise on the phone? Dude, I mean, I'm putting it to the bottom of the stairs. Buddy, could you have friends sleep down there with you? Yeah.

Well, I got a couple of big ones. Was the floor carpeted or was it like cold concrete? Oh my God. You'd get arthritis if you're down there for too long. Oh, probably cracked and shit. Oh, absolutely. Just poorly painted. Black mold everywhere.

White cinder block walls. That's like an insane asylum. It very much was. It's wild that I'm somewhat adjusted as I am. That's a good point, Kevin. This was pre-pandemic, folks. We've had this one on in the can for a couple of years. I'm telling you guys, there's a thing coming to the States from China.

Man, dude. It's amazing. Hold on. Now I want to hear about this room. I'm amazed at how normal you are. Yeah. At this point. And guys, we're not even at a fucking second grade yet.

Oh, sure. Let's fucking take a minute to appreciate that. Yeah. This kid's not even middle school. Yeah, honestly, we're not even at the whopper. This is just other stuff. Yeah, more about the basement. Yeah, it was very scary.

I don't know. I just think about it. I don't know what you want from me, man. I don't like that place. I'm like going back there, Kevin. Is the house still there? No. They tore it down.

Yeah. Yeah. The city? Jesus Christ. The state stepped in. The artificial came in. Hey, this is going to see. And burn it.

Yeah. Yeah. No. A pope from Rome came. There was all kinds of chanting. And they seemed to have exercised whatever it was. Oh, yeah. The priest had exercised that post.

Definitely smokes. Yeah. He wrote an autobiography. Dude, that's crazy. The exorcism of Anthony DeVito's basement. Yeah. I never put it. It was like one of those things, because you know that growing up when you're a kid,

you just take everything at face value, and then someone comes over for the first time or you go to someone else's house. Sure. And then you're like, oh, things are not what they see. Well, that's kind of what this whole show is we found out. It's like, oh, it's weird to fucking do. It's weird to have a tenant. Totally.

Yeah. Yeah. That one is really weird, for sure. Yeah. I've gotten some other, I guess it's kind of, not that it's very common in Italian families, but like other Italian people have been like, hey, I kind of had the same thing. Really? So it does seem to be like, yeah, this like weird Catholicism, like our struggle.

It's rooted in Catholicism, for sure. I guess if it, if, if he didn't cheat, it would have been less weird and it would have seemed right. So it's a very thin line. Right. With the conservative Italians. It's either going to go, it's either going to be great fucking gravy on Sunday. Hey, everybody's here.

Or it's fucking blaspherness time. Yeah. Spit on the floor. Yeah. Your grandmother sounds like she put a fucking curse on somebody. Oh, she was a piece of work, man. Yeah. Put your picture in the freezer.

Fuck that. Yeah. No, she could, she could mess you up psychologically. That was her move. How was the cookin' though? Good cook. Good cook. Not, I, not, you know.

Did they feed you? Oh yeah. Fed well. Oh, they were great. Were they affectionate? Your grandmother affectionate? So affectionate. My, my mom and my grandmother.

I mean, Italian mothers are, it's notorious. Well, yeah, you think, but I don't fucking know what this squad chases Christ. Very true. But no, no. Wildly affectionate. Very much fell in line of the Italian stereotype there and probably exceeded it a little bit. So they took good care of you. Very good.

Okay. Yes. No cook every night. My grandma, not, people would always say like her grandma's meatballs. It's like, yeah, she put peas in everything for some reason. She's like, her cooking was fine, but a little bit off. Really? Yeah.

A little bit. Huh. Interesting. I kind of like that a little bit. Like the crazy. Yeah. No, she, you, yeah. I think it was a fully girl.

But yeah. And then, you know, then the other whopper is my, I didn't know, I didn't find out. My mom had told me my whole life that my dad had died in a car accident. And then when I got to high school, I found out that my dad was a maid man in organized crime. So. Oh, and shit. Yeah.

They found, I mean, she wasn't, they, you know, they found him in a car. Oh, they found out when you were a kid. He died before I was probably like a couple months old or whatever. That's when he actually, so when he actually died. There was an accident in a car. Yes. Technically not a total lie. You know.

She didn't crash into another car. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Accidents go. They accidentally fall under the trunk. They accidentally. Yeah.

Oh my God. They did. Yeah. But you never met him. I never met him. I never met him when I was an infant or like me a couple months old, like really, really early on. And my mom, she just, she didn't want me, she wanted me to know.

And she also, she didn't want anyone to look at me differently. That was her thing. Sure. She was like, you know, growing up, I grew up, it was kind of, it was not an affluent suburb, but it was like, not everybody came from like strange Italian fam. Like we had a lot going on. So to add one more thing on, I think she was like. What was it?

You don't need that in your life. Yeah. Just try to keep it a little more normal. Yeah. She wanted to give me a real puncher's chance. It was an affluent area, but you, you, you guys live like a single family home, right? We lived in a, we weren't part of the affluence. I got you.

We were, you know, struggling to make it as a family. Okay. I know it means like, were we like super poor? We were lower middle class, but like that's where our situation was at in comparison to everybody else in town. I got you. So that would even make it worse. Yeah, exactly.

Damn. So yeah, I didn't find that. And how did you find out? Yeah. How did you find out? What happened was it was sort of another kind of just like happenstance accident situation where I was playing basketball in high school at a local park and there was a guy there on the other team who looked a lot like me.

Just, and he, I never seen him before. And then everyone's just called me DeVito on the court. And then after the game, he was like, your last name is DeVito. And I was like, yeah, he was like, I'm your cousin from your father's side. And I was like, I was excited because I didn't, I didn't know really anybody from my father's side. I'm an only child. So to kind of have someone close to my age, like a brother.

Yeah. There's also another guy, like it's all women who raised me. So I was, I was jacked. I went home to tell my mom and my mom, she was like, I need you to sit down for this. And then she was like, your father didn't die in a car accident. He was a made man in a crime family. So, but when she told me she was like, my mom is like, I was saying, like she's very like overly kind.

Like so. And when you're only child, your mother is everything. You know, so it's like, I never wanted to see her have any pain whatsoever. So she, when she was telling me she had water in her eyes. So I was like, I didn't really pry any further because like I could see how hard it was for her to even tell me that. So I just kind of accepted it and then just kind of moved on. And then later on, when we got a computer, I started to kind of look more into him and

found out more and things like that. Man, you're a good fucking dude. I'm saying that right now. I'm all right, man. You know what? Now I see the whole picture. The whole picture is your wife would have met your life would have been completely different. If your father was alive, you would have been the son of a fucking made guy in a crime

thing. Yeah. It would have been the Sopranos. Basic. But instead that happened. He gets, he gets killed. Yeah. So then it went the other way.

Yeah, exact. It goes the other way. And then the whole thing was protecting you. Totally. Yeah. It's crazy. What did they say about your, like, when you were like, hey, did dad have any brothers or sisters?

Yeah, what about that? What was the lie about your dad's family or something? You know, that they just. And why did they want you involved with them? My dad's family. They're criminals. Well, just as dad was. The cousin wasn't.

No, they just wanted, they, I mean, you know, that's their son and I'm their grandson. They weren't necessarily like they want to recruit me into the family, you know, business. That's what I'm saying. Like, didn't your father, where was your father's parents? They, well, there was my family or my mom in particular just wanted them solely out of the picture. So that became like a legal issue. Wow.

Just because. So they did want to see you and have. They did. Yes. And we ended up having some kind of relationship. It wasn't. After meeting your cousin? No.

Or even before. Yeah. But I didn't know. And it was just like, Hey, this is your dad's mother. This is your grandmother on this side. And there were, I think we would probably see her like once every couple months, you know, nice lady, just eight eggs at a diner kind of thing, really unassuming. And then later on in life, when I found that out, it was really seeing how scared my mom

was that I never, like I never wanted to reach out. You know, like they, they could be fine people. They're probably great people. You just respect your mom's. Yeah. It was more of that. Your mom didn't want it. So that was it.

And she, and she was a good mom. You know what I mean? She wasn't a good mom. I might have been like, all right. Push back a little bit. Yeah. Like she didn't ever ask for anything. And she gave me a lot.

So it's like, for her, just to ask of this one thing, it seemed like very easy in a way for me to just fulfill that wish. Sure. Now was your, was your father the only one involved in organized crime in his family or was his father also involved? They, yeah. They, their family was, it was a family of, uh, yeah. Yeah.

He's like, yeah, just, uh, well, yeah, I keep your mouth shut. I was, I was going to ask him if he ever made his own Jell-O-Shots. Well, another story, what if I have like some dark horrible tale about Jell-O-Shots? That's worse than the first. That was my dad's final meal. You're like, oh, fuck crying underneath a welder's mask. I can't believe. I have one thing you're not supposed to bring up.

Yeah. I have two Jell-O-Shots home for me and my mom. They got them. They got them. Anthony. That's insane. Yeah. There's a lot going on.

I mean, and I knew when I, like, also too, when you started working on your, the one-man show. Right. Like, you know, before the pandemic, it started making like the stories, they're like, you got to hear this fucking story. That's right. Yeah. You got to hear the story.

DeVito's story is crazy. Yeah. And for me, it was like, um, I, I always, I never talked about it just because my mom told me not to, you know, um, and then eventually, I mean, you guys know, doing comedy, it's like, you burn through where you're from. What do you do? You know what I mean? Yeah.

Get to the, get to the stake, baby. I mean, I'm sorry. I see Toby, man. Every time I laugh, it's such a crazy cackle. He keeps adjusting the now. Enough with the Chick-fil-A bits, huh? But, um, I'm trying to, all right, cool. But, um, yeah.

Kind of that. And then also, you know what it is with comedy. It's like, uh, like truth is currency. Oh, sure. So it's like to have something that you can't be honest about, um, was really hard on stage and off stage. So, uh, you know, cause you, you'd be talking to people and they would reveal things about themselves.

And then they would be like, yeah, what about you? And I'd be like, yeah, never met the man. Love Jello. What are those wings coming? You know, but I mean, that's really an accredit to your character and that's really an accredit to when, you know, art comes out in an organic, natural way. Other fucking bozos, that would have been the first thing out of their fucking mouth. That you, you know what I mean?

Right. You're, you're a good person and you didn't want to share. That's what, that's what's probably making the show so powerful. Yeah. You know what I mean? I, I, I would hope so. I mean, thank you. I was very nice to you.

Um, and, but, uh, yeah, it's also a thing too where like I wanted to do the story justice. You know, when you first start out, like you don't know, I don't even know that I know how right now to be like necessarily like funny and sincere and all those things. When we first started out, like, we didn't even know how to just be funny. Oh, so to add on a little bit. You would have been doing it like my dad, you would have been doing it like real. Like central Jersey. Talking to the camera.

And that's what we did it back in my town. Yeah. Yeah. So I told him to grab my sausage and then my dad and the drone. I don't know what I mean. Like, so cartoon. Baseball bat tapping in my hand as I'm doing this. I know.

I go out to the car to get the groceries. They open the trunk. There's my old man. I'm like, oh, but that's broads for you. Yeah. Exactly. So funny. For me, it was like, I have to do.

This has to be. You wanted to wait to become the artist that you want to tell the story and do it. Yeah. God. Justice for my fucking guy. It's also so funny. Yeah, I wanted to be this artist and I just looked through it in the mask. The face shield.

It's so funny. We're having this. Like, yeah, that's when I realized my true art was in his wear. He's wearing a face shield that says face shield. What are we doing? I told you that. I felt the microphone clip the plastic of this and I was just laughing at my head. But I'm so funny.

Yeah. And also too for like his family. You know what I mean? Because it's like, yeah, you write these people off. And I think the Sopranos did a good job of rounding out kind of who these people are. Of course, as humans rather than just cartoons. So it's like, when I told this story or I'm in the midst of telling this story, like, I wanted to honor him to them as well.

You know what I mean? That's fantastic. Yeah. Because it's like, well, look, you know, you're not just, you're a product of circumstance to a big degree. You're not just like a born, however you're born. Sure. And it's also, it's like, there's shades of him that aren't just like what I could read

about in the paper. So for me too, it's like, I wanted to investigate that so I could paint a whole picture for myself. Of course. Yeah. Because it's like, you know, because he's someone where it's like, yeah, I could read about, like, you know, I found out, however, I found out by reading an article about him. And in that, you know, that's just like, they're just relaying information.

But like, to my mom, that's her husband. And to me, that's my father. So for me, it's like, yeah, I need to kind of carve out a full thing. Otherwise it's like hard to reconcile with just what you see in print. Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to ask you a question. Oh, yeah, go ahead.

Just because of the piece of shit that I know I am. Please. I know you're the opposite. You're a great guy. But when you read that article, I know if it was me, was there any percentage of you for a second where you were like, that's pretty fucking cool. Of course. Okay.

Yeah. Because it's so romanticized in American culture. What? Like, dude, there's like Polish guys who are like fucking right. Did you start dressing differently? My second cousin's Italian. You started dressing differently immediately. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fucking wingtips in a suit to school. How you doing? Good to see you. Boom, boom, boom. Fucking breaking off the gym teacher. I got a bad ankle today, Jimmy. Yeah, I don't want to do the ropes. This is for you.

Make sure it's a B plus. Climb up there. You're looking at my balls. That's so fun. I don't even ask for an A. Yeah. It's a B plus. All right.

I don't want to draw attention. Yeah, I don't want anybody looking over here all of a sudden. This kid's smart. Dude, that's what you got to do. You can't let the heat on you right away. You got to fucking middle of the pack. That's too funny. Yeah.

There was a, yeah, there is that part of you where, you know, like, you're like, yeah, I don't know. I'm a guy at 18. You know what I mean? Who's just like, yes, this is cool. But then also, but then it just, I would always just see that vision of my mom. And that was the part where I was like, I can't think it's that cool because there's clearly a lot of pain associated.

Of course. Yeah. There's no romanticizing for her. Yes. Exactly. There's a perfect way to put it is this thing. Is it still an ongoing thing as far as like how gentle you have to be as far as names and all that kind of stuff?

Is it still? Um, I don't, I don't even know. I treat it that way. Yeah. Yeah. It just goes to black for no reason. But journey starts playing. Last thing you see is a plate of onion rings at the table.

Shout out to Sopranos. Oh man. Uh, yeah. No, I treat it that way. Um, in case, but more so because if, um, his side of the family ever heard it, I wouldn't want them to be like, Hey, we're, we're sort of misrepresented here. We're disrespect. Of course.

Um, so yeah. And also too, I just think like treating something that way, you're going to get more depth out of it than just, um, just kind of, uh, going the easy route. Of course. What you're saying. Yeah. Are you still, right? Do you have a relationship with them at this point in your life?

Not really. I mean, we, uh, maybe we're like, we're friends on social media, but that's the extent of it. And not that I'm opposed. You know what I mean? Um, it's just, uh, what it is for right now. Yeah. Wow. I must have you.

I thought, I must have you confused with somebody else. I thought your mom was dating a blind guy. That's, that was my grandma. That was your grandmother. Your grandmother was dating like a, you have the bit about it. Yes. Yeah. My grandma.

Jesus Christ. She met. Yeah. She met. I know. What do you mean? What? We're shooting hoops and riding go-karts.

I thought you were talking to me. I had a mini bike. Shout out. Take it for yourself, fatty. Take it for yourself, God damn it. Fucking embarrassing me for anything. And we had two tenants. I don't want to brag, you know.

I don't want to brag, but. And a grandfather. Yeah. When did the, when did the, when did the blind black guy move in? That, he never moved in. She was, uh, she met him in a nursing home where, uh, she went into the nursing home and then my grandma, you know, she's an Italian woman from Jersey. Like this is a, this is a racist woman.

Yeah. That's, yeah. To put it delicately. Um, Let's not split the ways. Yeah. Let's just, let's say she's from the old country. Yeah.

So she meets this, um, she's like horrible. She's, uh, depressed in the nursing home. The first couple of months meets this, uh, blind black guy with one leg who's 25 years younger than her falls in love with him and, uh, wanted to marry him. They never did, but like, you know, we looked into it. We, we couldn't figure it out because, uh, he, uh, his brother was his legal guardian and his brother met my grandmother and said, you can't marry this woman. Really?

Which I always think is great. Um, She's 25 years older. Yeah. How old was she at the time? She was, uh, uh, nine, like 93, 92 to 95 is when she was in the nursing home. Wait, the years or the age? I love how both families were like, we can't be doing this.

Yeah. We're like, this is crazy. This is, this is a responsible all parties. You are not wrong. My mom would try to like say like, why would be like, why do you think it's wrong? She'd be like, it's just, There's an age difference. Just trying to squeeze that little nugget of like, just say it.

Wow. But yeah, no, they, yeah, this was like this unlikely relationship. Yeah. They fell in love wanting to get married. That's like a bad sitcom. Yeah. It kind of, yeah. They're a great one.

Yeah. Well, I'm just saying like it's over the top cheesy sitcom. Yeah. What can we do? Let's get the old racist Italian and the younger, you know, the younger cool black guy. You don't have any network meetings. I was in that they just went, you got a multi-cam on your hands. And every time I sat down and I went, I'm writing the biggest piece of garbage.

Oh yeah. Like did exactly what you were saying. Oh, single cam. Good acting. It could be. Yeah. I, if I like it. Foley is the lead character.

Maybe you have a guy who's a podcast. They started a Patreon. Good dude. You know, underrated. I'll play the basement. You're the, you're the blast furnace. It's like Avenue Q. Now, did they, did they move in together in the nursing home or anything?

No, they, they didn't move in together separate rooms. They wanted. They're waiting for marriage. Yeah. That's old school. Yeah. That was my mom's. I've done a bit about, but that is, but that was my mom's fear is that they wanted to

get married for sexual reasons. So they could move in. At that point, let them, you know what I mean? What do we do? I assume nursing homes. Everybody's fucking. It is. They're rampant.

Connery is like a rampant problem in nursing homes. Yeah. Yeah. STDs and. They let them fly. Good for them. They don't have to. Nobody get pregnant.

Nobody's just fucking dumping clips. Mainly they don't have the dexterity for condoms. They never try to see them manipulate a fork. There's no chance. A little meatloaf, some jeopardy and a little fucking little butt. A little bit of haljeh vajah. And so she was in love with him and happy with him until she died in the nursing home. Yes.

Yeah. And is she still there? He is not. He passed actually a couple of months before her and then she went. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. And where's your mom now?

My mom is in North Jersey in an apartment. By herself? Or is she with the aunt? No, no. She's just by herself. Where's, where's the aunt? I do a lot of them pass. And then it's just one aunt who lives in Delaware.

No, the aunt that lived with you. Yes, she passed. The young one? Yes. Unfortunately. Yeah. Natural causes? Natural.

Yeah. I know you got to ask my family. I like how you didn't pick up on that. He's like, a lot of them passed. You're like, no, to what you were living with. I'm like, Eddie, that's him saying she passed. Yeah. No, my family.

Yeah. The young one? The young one died. Yeah. No, no, no. It was a shame. All right. That's totally fine.

Yeah. We're, yeah. They're just like, my mom said at least a history of cancer in the family. So like a lot of them just got it. And that's, yeah, what happened. But, but yeah. And I mean, like, you know, growing up, it was a very large, big Italian family full of women.

It was a lot of fun. Okay. High school was somewhat normal. Like once you found this out, processed it. Yeah. Pretty, pretty normal. And also it was like sports to play sports. Yeah.

Basketball, soccer, you know, um, yeah, it was kind of a thing too. We're like, my, within my family, there were so many lies going on with like my kids. So it was like finding that out. I was like, why not throw in the mix? Yeah, whatever. Okay. At this point, um, it wasn't until reading, reading the graphicness of, uh, how he died. That's when I was like, Oh, this is, this is, I felt the impact of like, Oh, this is

going to mean more faster than, than anything else. Everything else. Wow. But yeah. Um, but it is like, you know, I don't know the, the good fortune of then doing comedy and having all of, like just having this wealth of material sort of at my fingertips, that's the one thing that's like, that's the pressure that I feel because there's so much to, you know,

You feel responsible to the story. I feel responsible to the story. That's a fucking good comic right there. Yeah. Thanks a lot, dad. My fucking dad. It was a fix his air conditioner. I can't even fucking do something cool that I can't go one man show, but I can't stop

my father. There he was. You know, this thing wouldn't even get to the outlet. But there's still time. He didn't even have his crescent wrench on him. All right. Let's play a little bit. Uh,

I feel like we should muffle your voice. That's what the shields for. I've never had a lunch. Uh, let's, yeah, let's dip into a little Ari garbage. Now I'm going to ask you this. We're going to kind of let's take it from high school on because that's what I was trying to kind of get in that. Uh, do you think you're garbage?

I don't disrespect. No, no. No. No. No, no, not at all. Did you dabble in high school at all? Little racketeering, any bookmaking, anything like that? Did you keep a book or anything?

Well, I kept stats for the football team. So maybe I am at the right actually. It wasn't like a book. I was fixing the game. Yeah. Yeah. There's some tackles. Who didn't back then?

That's what we would do it. Okay. Yeah, I think so, man. I mean, definitely like, uh, myself, sure, like I live in sweatpants. I don't, I shower every four days. Absolutely. Okay. Nice.

You know, I look like a pile of what leaves come to life. Well, you kept yourself a steam up. That's good. You can see that. Um, were you a good student in high school? Uh, I was okay. I had to really apply myself. I knew that where I wasn't very, I know, not very, very smart, very dumb.

I'm like someone who just got recently struck by lightning. I'm just like a little off. You know, I would say that's the best way. You're like Michael. Yeah. You're kind of like Michael. That's where my brain is. Phenomenon.

Was this named Michael? No. Michael was the angel. The angel. Phenomenon. Phenomenon is when he gets struck by lightning. I picked them up in my head. Sorry.

Phenomenon should be the angel. Phenomenon should be the angel. A real candy Zuko over here. A real face off. Yeah. Real John Steven. What did you go to college? I went to college.

I went to University of Miami. Whoa. Okay. I had a state pretty good school to get in. Proper? Like some satellite campus? No. No, I know what you mean.

Like University of Kansas or something? Yeah. Like the Maritime Campus. Like trash. In the middle of Key West. Yeah. It's like a cruise ship. That's not bad.

Middle of Key West. No, that's not bad at all. But, uh, no, I went there. I had a ton of financial aid, uh, given to me. Um, and... Is that what you call it? Yeah. I showed up every month in a brown paper bank.

Yeah. I know it's a bundle... Someone would call it blood money. Yeah. Okay. Bundle, Acacia, Manila, Envelope. That's financial aid, right? Um, so, yeah, I went there.

I went there. I actually studied, uh, I have a bachelor's degree in architecture. I studied architecture. Holy shit. That's pretty good. You gotta be good with math and stuff. I am not. No.

No. What'd you get on your SAT? Yeah, so I was getting... Oh, I got a 1060. It was low. That's all right, though. Not bad, not bad. You break a thousand.

You're, I mean... Yeah. That's the best way to measure intelligence. You know, I wouldn't feel bad for yourselves there fully. Sounds like a 1060. I gotta love the rules. You know, you come to the parties, you know. Sounds like what you say sometimes.

Sounds like a 1060 saying that. Yeah. It's a bad rate of test, you know. Yeah. No one who gets a 1400 is going, it's not a fair test, you know. That's fucking... That's three digit people shit. These things are accurate.

That's C minus talk right there. That's so bad. Yeah, we're all good. We're all the same thing. Right at the B part of the bell curve. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No way.

Put his face shield on. I need to protect myself from the dumb. Yeah. Okay. All right. Yeah. No, I wrote a good essay. So I think that's what really got me in there.

Did you talk about your dad? Oh, I talked about my aunts dying and things like that. Okay. And I think I was always pretty decent writing. So I think that's what really did it. And then architecture. No, I was terrible with math. It's such a blessing that I'm not an architect.

People will be dead. I'm horrible with logistics and math. I was good with like, because a lot of in college, especially is like conceptual. Yeah. Like it's like theoretical. Yeah. So I could do that very well.

I could make connections. Okay. I could design good, but like everything else. Like the actual like structural integrity. There's nightmares about buildings and Fort Lee that I worked on. Really? Oh, absolutely. What made you want to be an architect?

Well, this was the basement. Yeah. I wanted to design a bedroom. People should not have to go through this. No. It was when I was 16, my youngest aunt, and she was on her deathbed from cancer. She asked me what I was going to do to make the family proud.

I had just watched three minutes of baby the night before. I remember Tom Selleck was an architect in a pinch. I'm going to knock some broad up and live with my boys. They look like fun, man. What do you think I'm going to do? Yeah. I don't know. Hang out with Steve Gutenberg for an hour and a half.

What are you nuts? So I just, I had that in my head in a pinch. I just said it. And then she lived and my family never forgot. And so that's what happened. Dude, you guys are fucking sick. You promised on a deathbed. You were going to be an astronaut.

Now get in that rocket, Anthony. Come on, I'm scared. I don't know. I'm going to put a curse on you from heaven. Get in there. You're going to see me looking up at you from the moon. Looking back down. Don't you fucking embarrass me.

Dude, that's like fucking Vandettish. All right. I'm going to become a fucking architect. How Italian are we talking? Sicilian? Half Sicilian. We're talking murder in a trunk Italian. What are you talking about?

How Italian? We're not talking about a Jara Rios. I mean, how Italian? What? Dude, I'm dead. I mean, did your mother make a sauce? Shut up. The guys connected.

He's a big man. How Italian? That's like asking a leper. Have you ever been to Ireland? You're going to get a fucking clip over here. Shut up. You guys are good boys. You're good boys.

You're good boys. They're not going to happen to you. Your friend told me I'm going to have a... Oh, God. This has to go on beyond the Patreon or something. I'm too paranoid. Yeah, we're in the woods behind some rest stops. So I'm using a funny guy.

This is going to be $500,000 on Patreon. Small bills. Not sequential bills. Holy shit. I'm just saying, man, that's why... Now, I know what you're saying. I mean, it's not even like a baseball player or something. An architect.

Do you know how hard it is to be an architect? Very hard. Too hard. Yeah. Yeah. Tell me. I had to take high school math when I was in college. I took the mic.

The only architect who went to summer school. It really. You're not wrong. I had to take this night class. Everybody in there was 45 years old. I've had to take those, too. This one guy. I never had to take a night class.

That's trash, man. Yeah. They give you a sick break. Just quit. Just give it up. We're going to take five. I'm like, all right. It's like an AA meeting.

But they give you a book. They. There was this guy. I remember. Because it was like every. I was so behind in math that I had to take this night class on campus. Everybody in there was. Fuck.

Everybody in there was. Everybody in there was divorced. Everybody in there was old. And then I just remember the last day of the class, the teacher goes. There was this guy. He kind of slept through every class head down. Like this was a real drunk nap. And the teacher goes, all right, what does everyone want to do?

He pops up and just goes, get drunk. Go to Flanagan's. And then just went right back to sleep. And I was like, this is, this is nuts. Now he's an architect. Yeah. Tread lightly, folks. He did the new edition of the Guggenheim.

I'm not familiar with the University of Miami School of Architecture. Is it an accredited institution or. It is an accredited institution at the time. There was this group that was running it called the new urbanists. Who you guys see the Truman show. Yeah. So that's a real town in Seaside, Florida. So that was their whole model of thought was like turning in America into sort of spaces

like that. Sure. They did the same thing with Section 8 housing in Philadelphia where they modeled after a Holland design company. Yes. To not make it, you know, the high rises, but to make them like little almost town homes. Yes. So that's that.

So the school at the time, I didn't really know anything. I literally went there to not disappoint my family. I didn't know anything about architecture. Yeah. Everybody was there. Talk about like Catholic guilt. Dude, you're like the guy who knew too little and asked nothing. Literally just going through it.

For sure. I would have been, you know, I would have been fine in my father's line of work. I tell you what, dude, just kidding. And he don't ask no questions. No. There's been a guy on his floor for six months. He hasn't said a fucking word. I know.

Yeah. You'd be running things by now. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, there's still time. We'll see what happens. That'd be a great ending to the story. Listen, we got a big meeting.

All right. I got to keep a face shield all the way. Yeah. Meanwhile, exactly. I'm afraid of my girlfriend. Who's this fucking guy? Listen, Michael Ma's going to be upset if I show up without no mask on. Lorenzo.

Who's this guy? Who's this fucking guy? Holy shit. God. So. Fantastic. You just went to Miami. Yeah.

To be an architect. Yes. And I don't know. Did you do any architecture after you graduated college? Yeah. I worked in an office for like a year and a half in North Jersey. This like family firm. It was like the dad, his two sons.

His wife did the accounting and it was horrible. It was a nightmare. I mean, I was, I'm also like, I'm too shy. I'm, I have this like great combination of like being completely incompetent, but then too shy to ask any questions. So I was just, just everything was wrong. He would just come over and he would just be like, we're going to get sued. If you do this.

Because like architectural drawings are legal documents. So it was, it was a nightmare. I was a horrible employee. He was a verbally abusive man. It was, it was brutal. And you probably weren't used to that shit. What's up? You weren't used to that shit having a fucking bust in your balls.

Oh, no, not at all. I'm sleeping on the floor like a dog. Kick him when you walked out the door. Yeah. Move over you. Yeah. Johnny Quest is coming on. You better not pee when I get back.

He did like Johnny Quest. You're not off. Johnny Quest was awesome. That was good. Man. Yeah. And what about now? Now.

Now you're, you're in a relationship. Yeah. Now I'm in a relationship. Yeah. Architecture is long behind you. Long, long, long time. You've been doing stand up how many years? About 11 years now.

Processed everything to a degree. You're starting to talk about it. Yeah. Well, that was always the thing with everything. There was always a lot of love behind it. So it never really, it never, you know, maybe it messed me up in certain ways, but it never, it wasn't like so detrimental because it was like, yeah, but they were always just nice to me.

Sure. So it was like, I mean, it never really was like this like brooding thing. This horrible thing. Yeah. Like there's like aspects where it's like, oh, that's probably related to that, but it's, they're, they're flashes. They're not just like, It's not driving the bus.

Exactly. Yeah. And you know what's adds to it a little bit, makes it endearing a little bit sadder, a little bit, you know, awesome too, is that they're all, they're all gone now. Yes. The promises you made as an architecture, they're all, they're all, It's all done. Your grandmother, your aunt, your mom, your mom still, your mom.

I'm not still alive. Your mom's still alive. Yeah. Okay. And she, how does she feel about you being a comic? She's happy with it. Oh, she loves it. No.

Once comedy started. You're still lied to me. You're like some sold out special or something like that. Well, that's, my mom told me so many lies that it's like, I, she's got no grounds, you know. Ah, there you go. No, she's so, I mean, the bar's so low for me, as long as I don't become a criminal. Yeah.

So. Though you don't end up in a trunk. You're pretty good. Exactly. So, no, she, she loves me doing comedy. And especially like when it, when, you know, having some success at it. Yeah. She totally didn't care about the architect anymore because she's like, well, okay, you've,

you've made, you've made more doing, you made more here than you would have there. And you're happy. Sure. You're all the things that I worked so hard for you to be. That's great. So that's fantastic. She got the payoff. Well said.

Yeah. I thought I loved you before. I love you even more now. Fucking something else. But unfortunately, this isn't all fun and games. We got to hold your feet to the fire. Business to get to. We got to talk about the election.

So. So are you garbage questions to see how you're shaped up? Now you mentioned the sweatpants. All right. Now listen, the story is sad, but we're not the fucking school board university of Miami. We're not giving you any passes. Nah. All right.

Because let me tell you. I don't care if you're another guy with fucked up life. You're sitting across from him. Yeah. So any superstitions do I have to ask? No, I don't think. Would you walk under a ladder? Yeah.

I don't care about that stuff. I don't care about that stuff. It's pretty good. Yeah. You ever carry a lucky rabbit's foot? No. I did carry. Some guy's pinky.

Yeah. The tell of a man who crossed me. Yeah. Now that you mentioned it, 1995 was a weird year. No. I remember carrying. I went to a strip club in Miami and one of the strippers hair fell in my wallet. So I remember I had that in my wallet for a little bit.

A piece of hair? Yeah. What? Yeah. You know, you really, you get a guest to open up and then you go, I can see anything on here. And then you go, one bridge too far. And you're like, I think that's my time, guys.

Welcome to Are You Garbage? Yeah. For what reason? You wait, it fell into the wallet? Yeah, fell into the wallet. And then you found it later? Are you solid? No.

It just landed in my wallet. And I was like, well, I'm going to keep this because I want to remember her. Okay. A little token. Oh my God. Creepoast. Yeah. Look, hearing it now.

It's a little strange. How did her hair come out? Wow. I had my scissors on me. Of course. Well, you know, who doesn't go to a strip club without their blade? Excuse me. Touch it.

Just how many lap dances did you get? You fell in love, didn't you? Yeah. Of course. It was like one of the first times I saw a naked woman. Oh, okay. Especially when you come in. I thought this was like a couple of weeks ago.

Oh, no. This is college. This is like 20 years ago. I had never seen a naked woman in my life. Sign me up. Before the pandemic. Yeah. The first time I got a lap dance, I stole her shoes.

Still wear them. Oh, I get it. Was it one strand or a couple? It might have been a couple, you know. How long did you keep them? As long as it wasn't there anymore and I went, well, I guess that's over. I guess she's moved on to other people. Did you ever smell them?

No, I never smelled them. Dude. It wasn't, it wasn't, it was more like when I would look at that, I would think of her and that was a nice moment. It wasn't like I was like, hey, I need to go into my private room and inhale her hair. It wasn't anything like that. It was a little token you took with it. Yeah.

Kind of like a serial killer. Kind of. I'd go in the shed. I thought you were trying to sugar, no. I was trying to draw them down and hit them with it. Like a real good host. Trying to get them to confess. It was quite a good cop, bad cop.

Quite a hammer. But no, I was, it never, I never saw it as like, you know how like you read about serial killers or psychopaths or whatever and they really. Because he's sitting here with the shield on. I swear to God, it was completely normal. Yeah. Given my familial history. Yeah.

No, but you know how like they freely, they have such gum should have fallen through on there. It's such an obsession. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. So I wasn't, I wasn't putting in that much effort. You know what I mean? Of course.

I was really toeing the line and doing things and putting on kabuki masks and things of that nature. I might have said I've got some things going on here. So, but it was more for me. I was like, I'm a horny innocent. I know exactly what this is. Okay. Yeah.

Okay. All right. Oh man. That's fucking wild. Do you currently have on matching socks? Let me check. Yeah. These are good matching guys.

But that's not every day. Nice pair of veins. Oh, thanks. They look new. Unless you clean them or they know where to clean them. Julie got these for me for my birthday. I'll say they'll be matching, but more often than not, a sock, I'll have a hole in it. Sure.

Yeah. It's okay. Yeah. The sweatpants are nice. You got a nice clean shirt on. Thanks. Oh yeah. I'm doing my, you know, I've been doing my best here.

That's good. He's got his going out pants on. Have you? Yeah. Well, I knew the cameras would be rolling today. I got an HD cooking there. It's 1080. Have you ever been to a circus?

Ah, yes. An actual proper circus. Yes. I remember we went to Barnum and Bailey when I was really young and I hated it. Me too. Yeah. That circus. That's fucking garbage.

Yeah, it really is. We never went. And you know it when you're a kid, when you walk in. Yes. Yeah. Like this is fucking trash. Stinks like peanuts and elephant shit. Yeah.

Everybody's got glow sticks. You're like, well, what is this? What are we doing? This isn't an airport in the fifties. Yeah. This is. What are we doing? Yeah.

You see, something just seems wrong. You know, the animals aren't happy. You know, the clowns are all fucking weirdos and creeps. Yeah. I don't care how much cotton candy you got. Get me the fuck out of here. Well said. Yeah.

Close those things down. I hope that's Biden's first ordinance. Those probably aren't too far away. Have you ever been to a pawn shop? I feel like I have, but it doesn't. Have you ever pawned anything? No. No, I've never pawned anything.

No. I feel like I've been in a pawn shop, but there's no, I don't know if I, I think I was just there out of curiosity. I don't think I was there. For business. Yeah. Just like, hey, I'll peek it. Yeah.

I want to know what's going on and these things I've heard about them for you. You weren't trying to, you weren't trying to get a gun or something. No, no, no. Yeah. I went, how much? I need some nickel on it. How much for Nicole's hair? I mean, sir, you need to leave it.

Give it a human hair. I'm going to have to bring in my hair guy to take a look at this. I got a guy who's all about stripper hair. Hi, I'm Anthony. Hi, I'm stripper hair, stripper hair, stripper hair. And today I'm here to, my girlfriend says this is garbage. I'll open it to both of you. Gentlemen.

At night, do you ever take your socks off with your feet and leave them in the bed overnight? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm big on that. I love slipping them socks off. Using the big toe to hook and pull. There's nothing better.

And you get a reminder of the power of the toe. You know what I mean? You forget what these wigglies can do for a day to day basis. Once that big toe slides that sock off, you go, you got something down there. There's a big difference between big toe with sock and big toe no sock. It's like condom, no condom. You know what I mean? Absolutely.

You wait for the second one. The second one's better. The second one's the best. Yeah. I mean, what am I? My girlfriend says that's garbage. You know, I'll do respect. She seems like a nice girl, but she's dead wrong here.

Okay. Well, you're sleeping. You're relaxing. The whole point of this thing is to be in a complete state of relaxation. And now you're leaving the bed through this, this warm cocoon to throw socks on the floor. No, now's the time to treat yourself like a hotel room. Yeah. And just, just enjoy.

Yes. Well, my thing is my socks don't make it to bed. That's what I was going to ask too. What, what do you sleep in? The face shield. I do. You got to be careful. Face shield, condom, jockstrap.

Those are my rules. With a cup. What, uh, sweatpants and then, uh, underwear. Underwear. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I'll do underwear.

And then if I get to how I'll take the sweatpants off, I like to take the clothes off in the bed more than I do before because then it's a whole temperature chain. Sure. You know, it's like going to a different climate right away. There's something about it. A little vacation. Yeah. It feels traveled.

Yeah. I get it. Take the fall, first fall day. Hey, babe, I'm going to head over to you. I'll be right back. Yeah. Yeah. So I like that part of it.

T-shirt? T-shirt, yes. Yeah. T-shirt, if I get you hot, obviously take it off. And then, uh, and then. She's not doing a lot of moving and shaking. I know. Oh, it's a whole, it's a whole, it's like a Britney Spears concert.

There's multiple changes. It's like going to see Bowie Lyme. In the 70s. Did you see the number ant he came out in? Socks are on his ears. Yeah. It's Pankos. Oh, mix it up, you know.

And then, you know, upon request, obviously, uh, the girlfriend wants the shirt off. I'll do that. I don't think she likes that for some reason. Unless sex, unless, you know, we're, we're, uh, having sex. Then she likes it, obviously. But, uh, in just normal times, she's more a fan of the shirt on. I think she likes a smoother surface. Oh, yeah.

Rather than my chest. I know. She's got a hairy chest. Yeah. Okay. Alright. Interesting. I, uh, I got a couple from Patreon.

Yeah. I got a couple from Ian. Shout out to Ian who joined the Patreon. If you join the Patreon, we'll read your questions. Um, that's what we're doing. Cause we love you. Cause we love you. And we just get so many from everybody.

We get thousands. It's like, we're never going to get to them all. So, you know, when you join, we'll answer one of your questions. This is from Ian. This, did your family frequent yard sales on the weekends? Hmm. Yes. Really?

Yeah. My Aunt Midge was a big yard. She was. Midge. We got a Midge. We got a Midge. Wait, as opposed to a real name. Margaret.

I don't know the names that weren't her name. Oh. I had, I had an Aunt Soupy. Uh-huh. Oh, Aunt Soupy. Aunt Soupy. That's great. That's amazing.

Aunt Soupy. Aunt Soupy sales. She did an impression. I don't even know the story, but it was Aunt Soupy. My mom. Yo, Soup. My household talk about. Yo, Soup.

That sounds so crazy, but you know how many times I've heard. Yo, where's Soup at? I love it. The amount of times I've heard Soupy sales mentioned in my household. Really? Oh, yeah. My mom loved to tell me about, you know, the scam that Soupy sales ran when he was a game show host.

He did this thing. He kicked off the air for this. Oh, did he really? Yeah. He said, kids, go into your mother's purse. Send me a dollar. And they, they all did. It was like millions of people sent him money.

Yeah. Yeah. Soupy sales. This cartoon thief got a bunch of children to send him money and envelopes and gotten a ton of trouble for it. Why are you getting trouble for that? Uh, I guess soliciting. Yeah.

I don't know the law, but it seems like something you can do. He's an architect, not a lawyer. Yeah. Yeah. Folks, get an envelope. Send a dollar. Send an RU garbage. Just go to Patreon.

Send five of them. How about that? The reason the studio is called Aunt Tooties is because Brian, our buddy, Brian Six, has an Aunt Tootie. Oh, yeah. Tootie's great. Tootie's the word. She said she sounds like she's from Goodfellas.

Yeah. Tootie's amazing. Midge is all right. Yeah. Midge was, Midge was great. She was, uh, she was by far our, she was the only person in our family who did have money. Um, uh, but she shopped at a garage sales.

I don't, we never, I never could put it together as to why she would take you with her. Um, yeah. I went a couple of times with her. It was so boring. Yeah. You know, cause she always think I'm going to get something and then they fucking think absolutely. It's like a G. It's an arm of a G. I. Joe.

Yeah. Half his face melted off. Yeah. And then she's like, look at this old lamp. And I'm like, I just want this data. This is horrible. How much for the money? He said something about milkshakes after this.

I'll give you a nickel for it. Uh, yeah. Uh, this is from Kayla. Have you ever used a Bluetooth speaker or headphones in your car because your stereo was broken? Oh, that's true. Oh man. That I've used, uh, I didn't have a Bluetooth, but I remember like, uh, the, I, I, I just just definitely memory of like iPod wired headphones in while I'm driving.

Yeah. I still do it because my car now just has a CD player. Uh-huh. And, uh, when we go on trips, we'll bust out like the Bose and put it on the dashboard. Oh yeah. Yeah. We're trash, man. What do you want from me?

Well, I listen to the fucking radio like a jerk off. Who has CDs? I got to get into the Phillies. Yeah. Exactly. I was like, dude, you're checking the weather and traffic on the eights. What are we doing? Give me some fucking Pandora or something.

Yeah. My buddy's dad had a, his radio was broken in his car and all through high school. He just had a boom box in there. That was like, it was in the center in the front. He had like those, those bent seats. Yeah. And it was in the front. That's great.

It had bungee cords around it. The worst part about it was when, when the Bluetooth. When the Bluetooth speaker dies, it's like, just gets real quiet. So where are you from originally? Yeah. Just me and my wife. So. We still love each other, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Jeez Louise. This is a big one that we've talked about before. This is from, this is from Nick on Patreon. Do you put the twist tie back on the bread when you're done? Or do you like to twist and fold? What are you?

Do you knot it? Pure, you're kind of crazy. Pure psychopath. Not it. I don't know what you're doing. I'd love to climb in there and find out. And I'm in there. I, no, I twist it.

You twist. I twist. I don't think I, I think I do probably a bit of both. I don't, because some people will twist, twist, twist, twist. And then it's like, well, the next time you want bread. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. And then I go, I'm just not going to have bread then.

So I do, I probably do two twists and then I do a fold. A tuck. Yeah. I do a tuck. Really? Yeah. I think that's the gentleman's way. I, I believe it's called.

I'm not a fucking animal over here. Where do you keep the bread? Keep the bread in, we have a pantry next to the fridge. Julia has just put the bread in the fridge, which has been confusing. Um, but, uh, last longer. Yeah. I think she's trying to get it to last longer, but then it's like, well, now I have to heat up the bread in the microwave when I want a sandwich.

Not ideal, but you know, God bless her. What kind of bread you're rolling with at the house? You're just doing rye. You're doing white. What are you doing? I like a white. I like to skimp on bread. I don't, I mean, weed's fine, but, uh, some of it just gets too hard and it's too much.

I, I like, uh, I like a white more than anything. Like a wonder of strollmans. What are you doing? Uh, do you have a brain to go to or just? What is that? Nature's grain or something like that? Okay. White.

I got you. White nature's grain. Growing up, we had wonder. That was for sure. Uh, but, uh, yeah. It's, you know, it's got like a bale of wheat on it. I feel like it's like healthier. Sure.

Sarah Lee makes a country white. Oh, Sarah Lee. I've had that. That's very, very good. That's excellent. Oh, yes. Fuck it. It's like eating rubber.

Just moist. Perfect. In a good way. Good rubber. Good rubber. Yeah. Here that's Sarah Lee. I didn't want to offend you.

Good rubber. What, uh, what's the sandwich usually? Uh, sandwich. I like a, uh, so yeah, you got the white bread and then I got like, uh, honey maple turkey. And then I've got, uh, Swiss. And then Swiss. Yeah. I like Swiss.

Me too. Yeah. Holy. Not a lot of people are buying Swiss. Well, it's a powerful cheese for a powerful man. Yes. I love Swiss. And then, uh, I'll do, um, I forget who, who makes this.

It's kind of like, uh, it's like a rendition of a Big Mac sauce, you know, eventually everyone kind of came out. It's like a mayonnaise, ketchup, orangey, like, thousand island dress and things put together. Sure. Sure. So I'll usually, I'll fry that, um, with, you know, a little bit of olive oil, maybe a little bit of butter.

Oh, you make it hot. Yeah. I make it hot. I like it. I like, if I can. Okay. If I've got the time, I'll do that. That's my go to.

Damn. Um, but, uh, yeah. Interesting. If I have chips available, I'll throw some, uh, in the middle. Oh, I love a pickle. If I've got one, it's good. God knows, you know, they don't stay long though. If I got pickles, they're out the door.

You come a long way from the blast furnace. Honey maple. Swiss cheese. Swiss cheese is great. That's what Swiss cheese is. There's actually two Swiss cheeses. There's cold Swiss cheese and there's fucking melted Swiss cheese. Yeah.

Cause there was nothing. They're just two whole different things and they're both fucking absolutely fucking fantastic. I'll take a French onion any day at a fucking yeah. Absolutely. Right. You can't put any other cheese in that situation and make that soup possible. No, no.

No, it's fucking banging killer. All right. So that's, we know about that a little bit. Well, I mean, the Swiss cheese ain't pulling them out, you know, I don't know. I think he served his time, you know, he served his time in the fucking basement and in the dark, you know, I'm saying, I'm saying from even Kyle with the strippers here, you're not coming back. That's fucking next level wild.

I forgot about that one. It wasn't food. I don't, dude, he could just fucking shove Swiss cheese up his asshole. It ain't fucking, it ain't, he ain't coming out of it. That brings me to dinner. Stripper hair and, uh, wow. Man. All right.

I got one. How old were you when you got your passport? Do you have your passport? I do have my passport. Okay. I imagine young because they have to get you out. Yeah. You're right.

My mom, my mom's a very, she's a nervous wreck all the time. So I have my passport very, very young. Wow. Yeah. That's the first time anybody's ever answered for a paranoid reason. Oh, yeah. My mom, we had to be out that door. We had to go back.

Oh, yeah. In case that tenant starts to mount it on. Was that kind of a thing? God, kind of. It wasn't about that. It's just my mom's own neurosis. Like, did that really? I mean, it makes sense.

Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like, she has a tremendous amount of anxiety just in general. And then I think that happened and then it's exacerbated. Sure. Well, it proved it. You know what I mean? It's like, hey, horrible things happen.

Oh, it's the last thing you need. Damn. Yeah. So I had a passport at an early age and I got a passport now. Just doing comedy. And like, I had to get one recently, maybe a couple of years ago. It almost expired and I was going to do a weekend in Calgary or something like that. So I was like, I had to make sure I had it.

Yeah. Hmm. I think I was 18. I still don't have one. Oh, yeah. I remember. I ain't going anywhere. Why should you?

Greatest country on earth. That's right. Yeah. I remember my picture on the passport. Like, I was young. My picture was, I was super young. Oh, man. Yeah.

It's weird. I know. That is weird. Especially because Italians had puberty at like 12, so you were probably like, you like showed up to the border, you had a full beard on, and it's like a little kid in the picture. Plus the name on it's Larry Jones. Yeah.

He's got like four of them. He's like, wait, who am I today? Well, Mr. Ricky Convertible. Glad to have you in our country. Mr. Papa Giorgio. Oh, that's it. Ricky Convertible. Fantastic.

Fucking. I don't think your name's better than that. I got nothing else. My fucking case is closed. And I'm saying, I don't know. I'm on the show about the stripper. Really. Yeah.

Your garbage, buddy. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Well, you know, I happen to be on the show. Yeah. I'm on the show. I'm on the show.

I'm on the show. I'm on the show. I'm on the show. I'm on the show. I'm on the show. Well, you know, happy to be. It's not like he's not super guy. He's not classy.

Let's put it, you know, you're in the middle. You're yelling garbage. Let's do a couple of time breakers. Do you keep your toothpaste? Do you brush your teeth in the shower? No. Very nice. Well, that sounds fun.

No, it's not. Stay away. Where do you keep the butter at your house? You keep it on the counter or you keep it in the fridge? Oh, keep it in the fridge. It's all right. Okay. It's good.

What, uh, growing up, did you drink milk for dinner? Huh. Yeah. Time. Times. Times. Was it a steady thing? Water was every night.

I wasn't allowed soda. And I think probably milk on like Friday. Week. Milk was a weekend drink. Take the edge off. They're a long week in the cellar. She reward you with some fucking two percent. They want his bones too strong.

Climb out of the window or something. You'd be able to break the chains. All right. What an episode. Holy shit. Yeah. The one man show. Just so everybody knows.

So when the pandemic is over, Anthony is going to be performing it. He was performing it before the pandemic is called. My dad isn't Danny DeVito by Anthony DeVito. Whenever you fucking see that on social media. I'm telling you right now, you got a glimpse of it today. Go see that fucking show. Yeah. Go see it.

Unbelievable. Thanks man. Yeah. You guys are great man. That was great. I was love you guys. Thanks buddy. You guys have been a rad dude podcast.

Social media. Just. Yeah. Listen to my podcast. The rad dude cast. I do it with Brendan Ayer. Greg Stone. Super funny guys.

Greg who we had on. Yeah. That's right. Past guest. Check out Stoney. Somewhat of Italian. Yes. Yeah.

He's got a mixed bag himself. Yeah. Yeah. He was trash. We grew up in the same town. Yeah. You guys were like old school friends. Yeah.

We knew each other from high school. Middle school. Yeah. And he did. Yes. Wow. Yeah. That's interesting.

Yeah. And he would. That's another guy keep his mouth shut too. Oh definitely. Stoney's a vault. He's a vault. You're not getting anything out of him. He lives to be that kind of friend.

You know what I mean. Like that. He really gets off. Yes. I'm a good friend. Yeah. Absolutely. Love it.

But yeah. Listen to rad dude cast. Wherever you get podcasts. Follow the podcast on Instagram. At the rad dude cast. And yeah. Check out my album. Dream Occupation.

As always. Please make sure you write reviews. Subscribe on iTunes full video available on YouTube. You can subscribe there as well. We appreciate that. And then fucking Patreon baby. Patreon dot com slash are you garbage three different levels. You get bonus episodes content video fucking live streams the whole fucking nine yards.

Sign up today. We appreciate all the support guys. Thank you so much. I'm at Cameron comedy on all social media. That's right. At fully grams on Instagram and at age fully on ice on Twitter. We have mentioned that we did have a December 3rd show in Atlantic City. That unfortunately has been canceled.

We figured this was the you know the largest way to tell other than my doing to Twitter followers. But yeah. The show's canceled. We'll be making up that. We only sell two tickets. So mom and dad the shows. The numbers were a little low.

And Corona is a little hot. Another shout out to our amazing producer Toby McMullin Toby what's your Instagram again. At Toby McMullin. Follow Toby at Toby McMullin the magic man the guy behind fucking are you garbage here. We love you guys. And we will see you next week. Peace.