Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Are You Rubbish? w/ Ari Shaffir!

Episode Date: June 18, 2026

Are You Garbage presents stand up comedian and podcast host Ari Shaffir! You Know Ari Shaffir from Stand Up Comedy, The End, The Joe Rogan Experience, Protect Our Parks, You Be Trippin, This is Not Happening, Kill Tony, 2 Bears 1 Cave, Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast, Flagrant, We Might Be Drunk, This Past Weekend and so much more! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! NEW AYG MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ AYG 2026 Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/pages/live-shows Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/pages/live-shows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored By: Helix Sleep: Go to https://helixsleep.com/garbage for 20% off Sitewide | 25% off Luxe Mattresses | 30% off Elite Mattresses. Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Gang, Tootty's got a limited Fourth of July drop coming at you. We got some nice t-shirts. Show up to the barbecue looking fresh, clean, and patriotic. Yeah, don't be a bozo. Available at RUGarbage.com while supplies last. Happy Fourth of July. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is All You Rubbish.

Hello. What's old is then? It's a show we sit down with your favorite comedies and find that if they turned up to be classy. That's all we got. Or just a big old piece of trash. And that? I'm your host, agefully, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootty's in the new edition.

She's upstairs. She got the lanterns ready. All right? One if by C. Two if by Toyota minivan. That was an Hasidic joke. That's America. Mike Cos is coming A from right next to me.

He is the CEO of, Are You Garbage? Bit of an international businessman, but born right here in America, stands up for the stars and stripes. Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan. I feel like I'm going to be doing a lot of heavy lifting. What's up, gang? Shout out of T. As always, thanks for tuning in. Please make sure you rate with you,

subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube, full video available on YouTube, full video valveball, and Spotify. Now boys are climbing a friggin' charts over there. And obviously the greatest website of all the time, www. www. patreon.com slash are you garbage? Join that like a goddamn patriot.

That's right. A fucking Benedict Cumberbatch. Gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I'm an incredibly special guest. Back with us again today. It's his last time before he heads overseas

starts kissing the crown over there. Bit of a fucking turncoat. Uh-huh. All right. USA all the way. On the goddamn centennial, too, by the way. I know. Coming up on 4th of July.

I'm a goddamn 76, baby. I don't like this shit. Give it up. Ferrari Schaefer, everybody. Thank you. Are you changing your name to REO Schaefer or something? Yeah, it might be.

Colitiscope, Shapiro, Cheerio, boys. Cheerio indeed. Gentlemen, what's how it is then? Oh, the lift was so slow today to get up here. Ari's off to London, man. He's moving over to jolly old England. I'm leaving.

Every time I leave, I come do your guys' Yes. We love it. This one, this one, listen, you go travel. I'm going to fucking wherever. I'm going to Istanbul, East your pip, whatever. That's fine. Fine.

Moving to fucking... Jesus. Moving to the fucking enemy. Territory is crazy. Yeah. That's like, that is some fucking... I'm pretty nervous. I hope you don't wear that over there.

You're gonna stick out like a sore thaw. I'm just gonna wear this everywhere at bars. I'm like, is this not... I'm gonna use all their slang immediately. Starts wearing a chain with a crucifix on it. Starts going to mass. Lights on Friday. This is awesome.

I'm sorry. I was gonna say, buddy, we're gonna miss you. We fucking love you. I was trying to think. I was getting a little emotional when we were hanging out before. I'd be honest. Yeah.

Of course, I'm going to throw it these days. You're still going to miss it. Yeah, that's going to be the hardest part, I think, because all my friends. Sorry, it wasn't funny. This guy's really adopted the British demeanor already. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I'm doing full British comedy.

Let's be not funny for like 35 minutes of this. Yeah, you're walking to the Eagles nest over there. Fly Eagles fly. What's the, oh, I got a sparrow. Fly homing pigeon. Do you have a football team you're going to root for over there? Tottenham, the real spurs. You're an army.

I was assigned them. I feel like you just had GPD England. No, I was assigned them. I was in Edinburgh and they were all like telling me like I was doing some powder with some people. And they were telling me I got to get a football club. And I was like, what? And someone was like, okay, Arsenal. The one guy was in the bathroom comes back.

Like we gave him arsenal. They go, no, Tottenham. And they were all like, oh, yep, 100% Tottenham. Why? So what's the? I don't know what the hell you're talking about. Is it the Jewish team or something? They are the Jewish team.

They're known as Yid Army. They must have a bad, bad. Most lawsuits in all the league. Every time they get hit, they're on the ground. They get a yellow card and serve. They fake it way longer and everyone comes in and chases them off. Lawyers rush to field. They're in the Jewish neighborhood and they all do Jewish chance and stuff.

Oh, there you go. It's perfect for you. Yeah, so they're doing the thing of like, oh, oh, like how would you like it if they did Jewish chance? I'm like, they do. All my favorite team, the Tottenham Hotspurs, and everyone loves it. Hava, Nagita. Everybody's in chairs. Yeah. Leading the players on after goals.

Now, there are differences, okay? What are you looking forward to and what are you not going to, what are you not excited about? Because I'll tell you this right now. I've heard that white stuff over there ain't great. Well, I mean, the Indian food is going to be bar none. It's a very good Indian food. I got the hook up from my friend, Akash Singh. Which, by the way, valuable friend with that name now.

Yes. Everywhere I go, I'm like, I'm friends with a guy named Sing. Singa. Singa. So don't give me the old non. You even made that Jewish. Singa. What are you looking forward to?

I'm looking forward to a new comedy scene. Okay. What British stuff? What are you like a bangers-and-mash? The breakfast art rule. Can you name, could you know the components of a full, English breakfast. That was one of my questions.

You got the traditional English. The bacon that looks different. You know where you know what kind of bacon that is? You know, they got a lot of bowls over there. They say our bacon sucks. What? It's great, dude. That's crazy.

That's a different style of bacon. Still has like hair on it. It's like, get out of here. Fucking medium rare bacon. What are you doing over there? What are you doing? What are you doing? It's usually back bacon in the UK.

It's less streaky than American bacon. When I heard these two black guys in D.C. Talking and I didn't know, you never heard a black accent where you're like, what do you even say? saying. It was a security guard. I was leaving a museum and he goes,

man, put sugar on that bacon turn brain. And I was like, what? He goes, put sugar on that bacon to brain. I finally said, if you put some sugar on some bacon, it'll brown. Yeah, it'll brown up. Yeah, little maple sugar bacon.

Yeah, that, they got the tomato, a little saute. Yes. Mushrooms. Mushrooms. Those beans. Get you farting through the day. But they're not sweet.

That's the problem with those beans over there. They're not, oh, yeah. I like baked beans. Yeah, in a can on a campfire like America Metro. Yeah, beans on toast, I'll give you. They do that over there. I like that. How do you feel about black pudding?

I love it. Really? And unfortunately, it'll be London. It won't be Edinburgh, but I love, love that fucking Scottish shit. What? Scotch, scotch eggs? No. Haggis?

You do? Love it. Ugh. Yeah. You got to have it done right. Man. You can only shower once a week over there. You're wearing that?

That's the law. You can't use the odor. And either. That's not a London thing. Yeah, it is. And you're not going to have all the chemicals over there. You're going to be eating all the organic shit. I'm excited for the girls who know their place with their janky teeth.

Hey, listen, you're a six at best. You'll get this. How do you wouldn't last one minute in Soho? My teeth are perpendicular. No ice? No air conditioning? Oh, yeah, warm beer. I'm not looking forward to that.

Yeah? They pump it like this. Yeah, that's pretty cool, though. That is cool. Oh, no tipping. I'm most looking forward to that. Oh, there is some tipping. It's two pounds, 90 pence.

And you're like, all right, here's three pounds. Like, here's your 10 pence back. And I'm like, no way. Are you still going to do that thing? I feel like you should represent Americans by tipping. Yeah, come on, man. We'll embarrass us over there. I'll tell you what, I'll do both.

I'll tip, and then whenever we see a cow patty, and they're sleeping, I'll fucking shove those motherfuckers over, too. I'll tip it every sense. All the houses are powered by those things on the water. Those, like, windmill things. Water. That was a good bit. Is that Holland?

Wikipedia over here. Yeah. Well, Wikipedia Jones. All right, let's get into some, see how British are really is. Are you rubbish? Yes. See how if I'm trash over there.

Yes. Well, I'm going to see if I'm regal or rubbish. Regal or rubbish is pretty good. Royal or rubbish. Oh! Emma! Okay. Yeah.

I met a British guy last night at the cellar and he said, I just remember I forgot about this. He said, I want to thank you for, you guys are bringing American like nuanced subcultures that as an outsider we've never knew

when you guys are bringing these things to light and what it truly means to be an American that's right I was drunk wow you guys are the real

American and slapped them over the head I want to see if you're going to embarrass yourself over there cause an international incident be sent back I'm going to try

I'm going to try my best people say I'm going to get arrested and I'm like do you know how much that'll skyrocket we've had cancellations we've never had arrests here what are the we what about what's the buck and shackles scotland yard oh

the yard oh get one of those pipes to go like that you're not to detect solve crimes where's the best sales here what are the weed laws in in london oh they're not like us yeah no yeah you're gonna be you get kicked up me and i forget who was a l a l.a comic we're in edinburgh an outside pop-up bar it was like inside and we're in the courtyard we lit up joints and the bouncer was like, are you fucking crazy? That's pretty crazy. In an establishment? In the outside area.

And he goes, would you do that where you're from? And we're like, dude, yes, that's why we both did it. This is completely normal where we are. Huh. What are you got? It's not, you can get your medical card, though, which that's starting to open up. You know what I had in my last medical card? So I had it in L.A.

And it was always sleeplessness, whatever. And they had a period. You look like a really cool DJ. at like electric zoo or something. Fucking bloody arie chaffin. Blotia, bloody out, bloody out, bloody hell. Abiza, what's up? Yeah.

So anyway, he goes, what do you want to put down? It was like that one year period. It was medical here before it was fully legal. And I knew a doctor. He goes, you can put down anything. I don't care. I'll just sign it. And I was like, AIDS?

And he goes, I can put AIDS on there if you want. So by the New York Medical Association, I did have AIDS for one year. I magic Johnson did it. I guess. Wizard Johnson. That's where I'm going. What's that? They have wizards.

They don't have magicians. Oh, man, they're going to know your high right away, dude. Dude, I'm going to mock their accents from day one. I have that problem. I start talking like, I start talking like people. Don't be like fucking Madonna. Don't be coming back here. Let me tell you something right now.

You start coming back here and you start saying cheers when somebody gives you something. Oh, 100%. Or start calling people, mate? You're going to hate it. me when I get back. First of all, legend. Legend for that. Cheers.

Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. That or if you do, oh, it's half tail and stuff like that. Half tail. Yeah. Fuck you.

It's just like, oh, what's hot? It's cool. Free. Remember we were at that bar in the fucking. It was a great bar, but the bartender would, he said cheers and called his mate.

It was 11 years ago. He's not over it. He's still. Swear to God. It was 11 years. He's still hot on this. Also, no, he didn't call his mate.

He said cheers. And it's like, well, he is giving two guys. It's like, no, fuck that. It's not like we were at like the fucking the CVS and he's like cheers. Yeah, good day. It was a British pub.

Yeah, anytime somebody's like, cheer you, it's Tuesday. I'm like, it's Tuesday. Listen to this idiot. Listen to you the way you talk. You're wrong. You're wrong. Can you name five people in the royal family? Prince Charles.

Prince Edward. Prince Charles. Prince Chucky. Diana. Princess. No, no, no. That are a lot. today. Princess Barbara.

Who's that? She's the ugly one. They keep her in the tower. Countess Louisina. No, I cannot. Are you kidding me? Prince Edward. Prince Charles. Who's Prince Edward? That's when you get your dick pierce. That's what that is. Prince Harry. Harry Styles.

Simon Cowell. All right, you got Charles and Harry. Well, one of them's out, right? Whatever. Edward is counts. Edward counts. Who's Edward? That's a blind guest. It was. But he was.

the youngest kid. Ruficina? Rufusina. That hairline looks real on you. It's fucking me off a little bit. He's got back from Thailand from Istanbul and they go, no,

it doesn't cure Grang. I'm like, oh. Can you name five people of the royal family? Charles, Harry, William. That's the Royal Rumble right there. Andrew and Fergie.

Fergie from the black. Black-eyed peas? Black-eyed peas. No, Princess Fergie. She was the, she was the Hughie in a group. Oh, yeah. The red hair, she was running around banging everybody.

I had no disrespect. Have you ever been... What am I talking about? What the fuck you guys gonna do? All disrespect. He said, MI6, everybody to kill me, guy. What are they gonna do? Come over here again and try to take it back?

Yeah. You failed twice. Actually, you know what? They came back a couple weeks later and burned the White House down. Did they really? Yeah. That's why it was white.

It's blue before that. And they just put a quick coat of white on there. Show him he didn't lose. Cover it up. They've never changed. What's the call, what's the British term for standing in line? Cueing.

Very good. Very good. I'm edging. Have you ever been pictured with Prince Andrew? He's the one that got in trouble, right? Yeah, we had some photos, and he was very adamant. Those had to be deleted immediately. There goes, there's too many people in there he did not want to be seen with.

In hindsight, I'm glad he got rid of those. He's got his hair and pigtails. I was trying to pass as a 12-year-old. Just trying to get a free trip I have one of those big lollipops And like one of those suits with shorts I'm like, oh, you mate? Wait, why are you?

Still have my innocence. Ari, if somebody holds a doorwrapher for you in the UK What should you say? Cheers. Nope. Thanks, brov. I can do it myself. You can say in a high British accent.

Thank you very much. Thank you very much. What? That's what you say here. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. We are unprepared. Who's in the research department? Are you garbage?

Unfortunately, it's us, too. Are you riffing? Are you reaching? Are you reaching? Are you reaching? Are you rich? I do want to be royal. What's the name of the British flag?

The Union Jack. Who's the lead singer of the Rolling Stones? Hold on. That could be Australia. No, I think that's right. Who's a lead singer of the Rolling Stones? Robert Plant. Damn.

Is it? No. No. Oh, fuck. Jacker. Oh, yeah. You're going to get your ass kicked over there. Which I don't know if I wanted to be British, but I wanted to be American.

My boy can't be a fucking turncoat on me. They're going to be playing peanut black in a bar. You're like, I love the Beatles. What do they have beer pong? What's their beer pong over there? They probably, I don't know. Tennis. Tennis.

On a grass court. Wow. Are you going to do like, uh, you're going to go to the, learn how to play snickerdoodle or whatever? Yeah. I'm going to learn how to fucking do a field hockey on a horse, whatever that fucking polo? Polo. Polo, yeah.

Field hockey on a horse. Are you going to go to Wimbledon? I'm going to be such trash there compared to those people. I'd be like, oh, all, everywhere I go with just me normal, which, by the way, is way classy here. I'll tell you what you're not going to do. You think you normal is way classy? Compared to the-

We have nine episodes proven that you're not classy, Ari. What are you talking about it? I'm still so mad about it. As soon as that out of my mouth, I was like, he's going to call me on that. Ari, you know the one thing you can't do over there? Do you tell? Steel? Yeah.

So you have to pay for your almonds or whatever you steal from airports. They don't fuck around with that guy. H? Challenge accepted. Oh, God. You're nuts. If I come back, like, Ari got arrested like, for jokes for like really dark jokes

like no straight crimes you're gonna be in the tower of London with chains hanging like that oh one of those stocks yeah and throw tomatoes at me tar and feather you whatever you'll like it oh probably the stocks bro that's gonna be that's gonna rule I'm like can I get a seat on the stocks though at least

I'll sit down and do it I don't understand the whole Is it acceptable to use profanity in public in places in Britain I'd say oh it's yeah in some place like Camden nope no no those people are They have real garbage there. They have original garbage. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where you're living? O.G. Can't be walking around nodding hill acting like a fucking jerk off. No. That's where Hugh Grant lives. And he lives there with Julia Roberts. So he fucks those trans.

Wait, was it trans or just a hooker? I think it was his nanny or something, right? No, I think it was like a black hooker. It was something undesirable. Trans were a lot of them. The term is escort. To them. It wasn't an escort.

It was a street lady. Lady was loose. Do you know the top five UK? Exports. Oasis. Fuck yeah. Shout out to the boys. Let's go.

Oasis. Dingleberries. That delicious. Class system. What else is there? Paul Malls. Paul Malls. That's American.

Winston's. What are you talking? Benson and Hedges is what I was looking for. Winston's. The Winston Cup. This guy's nuts. And fuck. Fuck.

I don't, fuck. You do, you have a, dude, with that hair, you have a founding father face. It's crazy. They looks like he should be on the back of the nickel or something. Sorari Shafir found of the first deli in the United States. He brought Bobka to George Washington. The Lou. The Lou. The Lou. The Lou? The bathroom?

Yeah. Is that the Louve? Yeah, they're not exporting that. You're going to start calling it like a water closet and stuff? WC, aluminum, the urinal. Urinal. Oh, yeah, dude. They're fucked over there. What?

That's the urinal. Your rhino? Your rhino. Dude, every time I've been to glass of where I can't stop laughing at every time they talk about going to the bathroom. Just say, hey, man, where's the bathroom? Where's the bathroom? Where's the shit hole? Go birds.

Yeah. I might take on the birds. I think that's a shrews fan. Trashy organization to really, like, step myself apart. When greeting someone knew. Can you pick your nose in Britain? No. Oh, no.

I'm going to hate it there. You can't eat boogers either. What? Then what are you going to do with them? At 10 o'clock at high tea. Hi, T. Yes. I'll have the boogers, please.

You got to do with your pinky. Pinky's out. I'll do a cup of old gray and what type of boogers you have. When greeting someone new in Britain, people tend to, A, hug them, B, shake their hands, C, kiss them on the cheek, or D, hit them with a ball tap. None of the above. It's D, hit them with a ball tap. It's take your sword, move into your weak side.

do a full bow and then lay down your coat for them to step over a puddle of which there are many quite the gentleman yeah what are the fuck get ball tap oh i got to make ball taps there i got to make a list of shit i got to bring it to a british society you really have an opportunity to change the culture over there i really do you really do because you're just crazy enough to do it or you're going to turn to the joker yeah oh i'll have one of these i'll bring to them oh god damn patriot right there put this away until I got to England. You're gonna take? Well, I say to you, sir, hey don't.

My fungo! I feel like they invented those. No, that's the tat's all tiny. Wake out. Chub off. I think it just makes shit up. Fuck, oh, man. Do you know any cockney sayings?

I'll remember when I get there. Give me some. What's this mean? I'm outside having a hairy rag. Changing a woman's tampon? I would have to assume. From what I understand from Guy Ritchie movies Is that they like to rhyme

So I'm half to Sears having a what? Harry Rag. Harry Rag. W-R-A-G-G-G. Oh. Which I would assume is a synonym? No. It's got to be a beer or cigarette.

Rhymes with fag, which they call cigarettes. You're outside having a cigarette. Having a sig. Yo! Harry rag. I'll go Harry rag over. I can't. A hairy rag.

A fag. I'm having to smoke, mate. Before we do the job. Bees and honey. money. One time I was at the comedy started working the door and there was some British guy and he goes and I was so over everyone trying to make jokes when they came in. I was just over

it. We had the best comics in the world you're gonna fucking make a joke and so I was ringing somebody up and I turned and he goes do you allow fags here? And I was like yes. It's LA man everybody sucks dick. And then I turned back around he already lit up and I was like oh no that is actually not allowed. You're all over you turn around your dicks out. Oh shit I'm sorry Okay, let's talk about Helix

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Sash garbage, do it. Do it. Jonathan Walton here from Queen of the Con with a brand new podcast series to tell you about. It's called Hardcore Con. In each episode, we not only tell you a crazy con story, but we expose the specific brain hacks professional scammers use to get what they want. Sometimes it's money. Sometimes it's marriage.

Sometimes it's murder. Scamming is a billion. industry and I'm going to teach you why con artists are so successful these days. Listen to hardcore con wherever you get your podcasts. Just search Hardcore Khan. Damn, I didn't know Harry Rag. Guys, I'm going to be in a lot of trouble there. How about, how about, are you, are you and when you're with, when you're with a lady,

are you a big PDA guy, like public displays of affection? No, only strangers. You do a little smooching? Only strangers. Only ever strangers. And I do the thing where that people got back from war and I'll just take a random Girl dip them and then give them the long kiss. True or false, public displays of affection.

Like, passionate kissing are widely accepted. No way. That's because of their breath. Zero, two. They make their teeth tangled. They'll be like two dogs after sex. Unable to excess exes. Or two deer.

You ever see two deer tangled up? And one just walking around with the other deer's head. Oh, the head. The one died. He's like, I'm still living. Yeah. It's going to be you. I'm a survivor.

What would it mean if I said I'm Hank Marvin? Okay, it's either going to mean that I actually am a guy named Hank Marvin, which I doubt that's what you mean. I got this. I'm hung over. Hank Marvin, I'm starving. I'm hungry. They rhyme. Yeah, that's what they do.

They all rhyme. I thought we had that's that. No, Cockney was criminals. And that was their code. Wow. I'm Hank Marvin. I'm starving. Stavent over here.

I'm starving. It beans and mash. Hello. What's so this then? You're pretty good. You can't visit me. No way. In this political climate?

I don't think so. Hank Marvin. I'll just watch the episode. I got to write all these down. I really want to day one use every slang thing I can do. I picture you just listening like you're just sitting on the plane

just watching this episode over and overriding it down. Hey, someone in the comments, write down all the slang so I could just look at that and then get it all. All right. This is a true. tricky one. Wait, right, how do you say? Tricky, top level ADM guy from London.

Yeah, I know tricky. Yeah. Trickey was in the fifth element. Fifth element. Yeah. Killed in that. He was great. Okay.

Come on, trickster. Okay. If you're running late for an appointment. Yeah. Ooh. You forgot to check your what? Timepiece. No.

Pocket watch. No. Big Ben. Big Ben. Old Ben. Something maybe you write down to have your appointments. Note? Sure.

Keep going. I didn't check my note card which would could be what my rollid decks when you when when when you're you're oh you are the biggest donor of all time my note pad I know I just say it's just years of being I'm just crumbling under pressure my roll a bus has to stay on time my no time my no time do you know what it is A bus has to stay on schedule. My note schedule. Schedule. That's right.

I mean, you led me on a joke that I couldn't even figure out the setup on. Ari was stuck outside on that. And when you get there. I can't wait to go to like a real like EDM bar and be like, punch my dance card. My lady. Oh, my lady. Got to hit some people with some milady. When you get to set appointment and you're late, what is the proper thing to say?

I blame it on the tube. The overground was delayed. That overground? My lady. All apologies. Disculpe me. You're close. My lady, the tube was delayed.

It wasn't my fault. You had the right word. Apologies. Apologies. Apologies. Apologies. And then take my sword. Oh, this Japanese culture.

Take my sword to stab. Yeah. Whip it around. No, that's Japanese. Sorry. I'm mixing on my cultures. You do that in middle of herons? They throw you out.

We're going to every bar. We're like, who have we colonized today? Somebody give me my spices. Where's my myrr? Any more intense and meur? Can't spell Punjabi without Ari. Punjari. It's my boy Punjari.

What's it mean if you say this guy is full of beans? He's lying. That's pretty good. He's full of beans. Or he's mean. He's mean. He's full of beans. He's lying.

I'd be pretty upset if I was full of beans. Or he's stuffed. He has to use the band. Oh, he's farty? Farty? Could be farty. I say lying. Yeah, he's full of beans.

Yeah, full of beans lying. I thought you guys knew. No. What? He's looking at him. He's a computer isn't even on. He goes, oh, I asked a question. I start guessing.

It means he's energetic. Oh, full of beans. A lot of energy. Yeah. Pepp and beans or whatever. That sounds right. Full of beans. Oh, you guys are full of beans today at my Tauntonham game.

Tottenham match. What are you saying? What's it mean if I say have a Captain Cook? I have a Captain Cook. I have a Captain Cook? Oh, for Shanghai to bend the knee to the crown. I didn't even get that. Take back Hong Kong.

I think Captain Cook was the one who launched missiles off the shore of Shanghai. I don't know. Captain Cook? I think it was Captain Cook. Shanghai has missiles? No, they didn't have shit. So he just launched a warship right there. And he goes, take our opium.

And they go, no. He goes, take our opium. We'll just destroy fucking Shanghai. Well, Sir Walter Riley, who defeated the, the Spanish Armada with a burning ship. They were parked too close together. Really? Yeah.

He sent him in. Speaking of too close together, shout out Oliver Tree. Let's space out with those helicopters from now on, everybody. Shout out to Mr. Oliver Tree. What a fucking... Legend. That works there. Oh, yeah.

Works as British slang. If you never listen to the song, Cowboys don't cry. Do yourself a fucking favor. Listen to it. Slag off, Oliver. Slag off into heaven. Godspeed, Mike. He looks at me for approval.

You see more British than I do. Are you going to shave? Are you going to change your appearance when you're over there? I'm going to reinvent myself, dude. I can be anything. It's first day of summer camp. You should start wearing suits all the time. Yeah.

Yeah. And a waistcoat. I'm going to fucking home invade Jimmy Carr. He won't know. Those guys have no security. Home invade him. Steal all those fucking suits. I'm coming for your car.

Do you bring any guns with you? All of them. There you go. Yeah. And crossbows. I'm going to do their shit. I'm getting a mace on a stick. I'm taking an over.

over bro you should start wearing suits you should shave walking like a gentleman you know what you need to get though sword in an umbrella yeah you got to get an umbrella umbrella umbrella with a sword in it yeah and there's one more thing you need what's that a london fog jacket that that a hundred percent you need a raincoat no joke i'm be getting that you need a pair of wellies a nice duster have a pair of wellies what's a wellies are boots that go up to pretty much your knee just rubber boots they're their first they're for festival me wellies are you going to get a range rover like an old range rover i don't think i'm going to have a car out there really yeah but But coaching horses.

Oh my God, dude. I'm going to pull up to everything in a coachwork. I bet you can rent some like you can rent limos, and I'm for sure doing that. Going around like Jack the Ripper? Just any comedy party, I'm going to jump in from my, this outfit's jumping out of a stage. Cheerio, gentlemen.

Has the Mully gotten here yet? Yeah, that's right. Get a hooker and have her come out gently. I'm like, all right, seriously. My time's up. Oh, man. Oh, my God. I can't wait to get a stage coach to a fucking party.

Is that a thing? I don't know. I will be. I don't think it's a thing. He's going to cause. This guy's going to cause problems. This has international incident written all over it. Ari might have been contracted by the CIA to go over there and cause a lot of trouble.

By the CIA, shout out to Justin. Yeah, shout out to Justin. I always keeping it. Love you, buddy. Justin, come over and get some bangers. CIA. CIA. Central intelligence agency.

That's right. I'll bring a tour to the culture. That's right. What's percentage of a typical tip? for good service in old, jolly old England. I know what it is, but to the Jews, they have a separate amount there. Shout out, Hot Spurs.

What is it? Zero percent. No. 10% I know is their standard. 10% is their standard? That's fucking no. No. You're not going to tip.

I'm going to ask for cash back. I'm going to ask for a discount. I'm goddamn R.E. Schaffer. If I pay cash, can I get the fucking pro deal? I love that from Dice. He goes in at 7-Eleven and pays like, I'll pay cash. He's like, I'll pay cash. What pro deal?

He goes, come on, come on, come on, cash, cash, for real. Cash is king. The pro deal. I do love paying cash and any bodega here. They go, yeah, of course, no tax. We'll keep this to ourselves. Oh, yeah. 10%.

Oh, well, you're also not supposed to tip in pubs. No, right. They just give you back the nickel. Yeah. Yeah, I would, you'll keep them. You have to deal with all that change all those quarters. I'm going to tip. I'm going to change your culture and tip.

I can't not. Even in Australia, people come back and they go, are you sure? I'm like, no, not anymore with that attitude, but. Yeah. Yeah. I had a taxi driver tell me no one time. No to a tip. He was just like, no, I was like, it was like, four euro.

I was just like, oh, here's a 10. And you're like, because in my head, I'm like, I'm not going to sit here for like the dollar. I'm going to give you two, three bucks anyway. So it's, yeah, yeah, sure, just keep it. Take the six. It's such a power move to just go keep it to any, but bodega. Just like, it's fine. And they're like, oh, nice.

I, I, I, I, me and Jay were in, uh, Ottawa at a festival, drew mushrooms. So we ordered a pizza later. and I couldn't tell, you know, when you're fucking flying. I couldn't tell all the bills were. They're different bills, and they're all crumpled up my pocket. They're just, like, go to the delivery guy and just like, here. I think I was like, take these back. I'm like, all right, thank you.

Honest guy. Honest guy. All right, what's the proper way to greet a woman that you don't know in Britain? The thing on the puddle. Trenchcoat on the puddle. Okay. Kiss their hand. You go down to one knee, kiss their hand, tongue.

Hit him with a googe Yeah, take the hair and go Like that And I'm gonna take American culture to there I'm gonna take another one day My lady Yeah, baby Yeah

Oh, sir I gotta watch that movie again Dude, we were just talking about it Brush up on British culture That's gonna be all dated Shagging Yeah Let's have a shag.

Do you know the current exchange rate between the U.S. dollar and the British pounds? I'm Jewish. 1.33. Jesus Christ, is it? Yeah. Man, you are Jewish. Well, I have it the other way. 1.35? No.

Oh, from Brits to U.S. From pounds to, from dollar, one dollar is how many British pounds. But you're probably right the other way around. 0.75. Yeah, it's tough the other way. I don't really have you. You just looked. No, I didn't.

Is that right? Yeah. Hello. Ado. Out of mate. There you go. That's all we got 75 cents? They got 25 cents on us?

What did you say it was? 1.33. It's 1.34. Man, you're Jewish. Damn it. He gets the, he gets the trades everywhere. Let's keep that war in Iran going. Get that dumber down.

So are you getting, you're going over there. You're getting jammed up. What do you mean? You're losing money. No, but this shit costs less. You get a shot of whiskey for $2.90. That's what you're focused on. That'd be $5 bucks.

That's what your economic plan is based on. Whiskey shot of whiskey. It's all scotch. I'm just putting all my money in scotch. You have a British beer that you like drinking. You don't go there and like don't drink the cheap fucking, you know, Croatian beer. Look at this piece of trash. Cider, bro.

Beer. Me. Fucking garbage person. You get the balls on this guy last night? Cider. I'm sitting there drinking a Budweiser. American beer. Boond visor.

It's actually a, I believe it was a Czech beer. There is a Czech Budweiser still around. Yeah. I think it was the same. Or maybe there's no relation. I spit in your face. Slap the shit out of me. Budweiser.

I think it might have been the same family. But any who. Yeah. Any who sounds British. Anywho? I go. He goes, he's already trying to be. He thinks he's classier than he is.

And he goes, he's across. He doesn't even come over. Like, there's like 15 feet. He's talking over people. He goes, what kind of beers Budweiser? Like he's like contemplating. Is it a logger? He goes, I go, I think a logger?

He comes over. Is it a pills? He starts reading my label. I go, get the fuck. You won't want or not, dick it? Fucking getting over here. Meanwhile, then I got to pay for his beers. I got wings coming here.

Here, let me show you how I'm going to go into every bar. This is because I do do this in England and I love it. It's this. Come in. Sit at the bar. Get beat up. Put your knife down. Let him know you're not in trouble.

So you go. Lager. And that's it. A logger. Yeah. Like you're in a movie. Just punt you on. No blades, no bows.

Leave your weapons here. That's right. That's right. Do you have a brand that you like of? I hate the money. What about bass sail? Don't like a nice bass ale? Oh, that's theirs?

Yeah, I believe so, right, Luke? Luke, can you give me the list of the top five? Black and tan. Give me a snake bite, make you quit. Sex on a beach. I love a black and tan. Top five. I'll do a blue iguana and some of them crisps.

British beers. I know Magner's is on there. Magner. That's a cider. That's a cider. That's my jam. And Govervrofton or whatever it's called. That sounds German.

The flavored, the flavored one. Riedel. Riddling. I don't know. We got a Beaver Town? Fuck off. No, no. That's a made-up.

That's an IP fake. That's an AI fake. Nope, great. What? This is a bad list. Bad list. AI is always wrong. Bass ale.

That's on there. What about the green one? There's a green one. Mickey's Big Mouth? Fullers seems to be a big one. Fullers? There's a green one. Magners.

I said that. Yeah. Fullers. You got Newcastle. Oh, of course. The black. Yeah. there you go that's a nice that's a nice little pop ice cold new castle what's the

fucked up old peculiar tenants it's tenants i don't know john smiths ms ms smiths hey the point of jones smithwicks smithwick smithwick's tennett's is great newcastle marsdens timmy taylor's people's like timmy taylor i mean a couple of timmy tatters in a pack of gris bait i don't know any of the camden town show off this looks like all new age shit yeah these are like these are micro bruise you know what you're got you know you are going to Enjoy over there? Gens and Gun. I know you got a bit of a sweet tooth.

Oh, yeah. Nice British candies. Get a lemon sherby. Lemon sherbert candy. A little shirby bit in the middle. Like the one where you stick the push pop? No, the Flintstones? If that helps, sure.

No, this is a hard candy. Lemon sherby. Right, Luke? I'm really going to try the part. Percy pigs are a big one. Percy pigs. You know what those are? No, what's their least flavorful candy?

What's the British, like, recession candy that's still around? Probably like Hawley Black licorice or something. Hey, two chips of wood for you, are you? Are you going to start eating goose? Yeah, patte, goose, foguas, oh, that's French. Yeah, that's French. You can't get a decent piece of foie gras in England. Maybe you can, I don't know.

I've never been there. Seems like a lovely country, to be honest with you. Shout out to him. I like the stones. Not a fucking asshole. The rolling? Of course. Stone roses.

All right, which of these is not considered a British social norm? Holding the door? littering using please and thank you or giving somebody you don't know a wet willie I think I don't think it's the last one I gotta believe it's the last one but also let's test it

let's see with these people how they feel about wet willies or nougies I feel Nogis are more aggressive what you fuck isn't no if somebody gave me a wet witty do wet willie it's on site you'd be more upset by a wet wally but a Noggi is more violent yeah but a But Willie is they penetrate you.

They enter, they, they, and they lubricate themselves and then enter you. And you get in there and it's like deep and you can't get it out. So like kind of all day, you feel it. The answer was, uh, God, you guys are wearing headphones right now. Oh, dude, I just went through my head. I said, thank God he can't get me. Be littering. You don't litter in Britain.

Oh, so there's two. No, I made the second one, the last one up. Nuh. Comedy show. Comedy podcast. Oh, you rubbish. I was going to say littering. I do it in New York now

Just because it's like You're littering? Done with a bottle I'm leaving Fuck this town Man what a piece of shit Old York This fucking guy

I'm that old York I rap old York I'm old South Yeah Are you gonna get a British Citizenship I can apply after three years I got my

I got my artist visa I'm five years in I can vote I probably won't I can vote I can That's crazy Who do they vote for

I'm just just voting for the fucking tallest one. I'm gonna fuck out the system. How's the air up there? Who do they vote for? I thought they get a king. No, no. Oh, prime minister.

I'm also gonna call. Parliament, I'm sure. Judges. All right. I'm gonna call them president until people leave me out of political discussions. That's what I'm most excited for. I so don't know their system,

but people are like, you can't join in this conversation. Like, that's all I ever wanted here. Can you go to parliament and watch? Those guys are killing over there. They're murdering. I believe they do have an open. Yeah.

Dude, those guys are all funny and shit. God, if you saw me on stage yesterday, I could be one of those fucking guards that won't laugh. Okay, anyway from audio audits yesterday. We have the hat if you want it. We have the beefeater hat. Yeah. It doesn't look right now. It's a beef eater.

What is that, Jen? Yeah. In Toronto, every arrival is a statement, and nothing says it better than this. Cadillac Optic was the number one selling luxury EV in Canada for 2025. Find your rhythm across a seamless 33-inch display and an immersive 19 speaker AKG surround audio system. This city demands agility and optic delivers with precision. to make every drive extraordinary. Let's take the Cadillac.

Find out more at Cadillac Canada.ca. Luxury sales claim based on S&P Global Mobility, Canadian New Vehicle Total Registrations for calendar year 2025 for the Cadillac definition of luxury. Jonathan Walton here from Queen of the Khan with a brand new podcast series to tell you about. It's called Hardcore Khan. In each episode, we not only tell you a crazy con story,

but we expose the specific brain hacks professional scammers use to get what they want. Sometimes it's money. Sometimes it's married. Sometimes it's murder. Scamming is a billion-dollar industry. And I'm going to teach you why con artists are so successful these days. Listen to hardcore con wherever you get your podcasts.

Just search Hardcore Khan. For a guy, that's the, this is like, I'll do it. For a guy well-traveled, you don't really know what the hell's going on. No, I'm really a bad traveler. Speaking of travel, I have a travel podcast. Of course. Called You be tripping. You've both been on there individually and as a group.

You'd be holidaying. Get out. Oh, you'll be holiday in. You'll be holidaying. Don't go. If you start fucking talk, it's going to bother. Where are you going to go on vacation? That's going to make me more likely to say it.

I know. And that's what bothers me. That's why I love and hate you. If I see it bugging people, I'm going to do it. If I see it actually hurt people, I'll pull you aside to a real apology. But if I see it slightly annoy anybody, I'm digging in. Where are you going to vacation? Where do British people go on vacation, Luke?

The Yorkshire's. The Yorkshire's, Bristol. Anyway, every year. While I travel podcast, you'd be tripping, I give out awards. Best trip, best guest, least adventurous, biggest piece of shit award, the Joe DeRosa Award. And I have every year, most disgusting as an award. It's usually for stepping in a puddle in fucking India that's like too yellow. I cut my foot off.

So this year. I'd rather a wet willy. I ain't done. What the heck says? The trippy award winner for most disgusting. age foley for shitting in his pants on a fucking shitting right in your pants oh wow it's a butt plug that's beautiful all right thank you congratulations

two thousand twenty nine 25 trippy award yeah most disgusting bus shark oh for route 66 yeah it happened so many time you didn't know I like I only told you about one I didn't know I shit my pants in grease I like to think I like to thank the good folks at McDonald's for really making it possible. Shout out to the Taco Bell canteena menu, everybody. Ari, that's nice. Yeah, congratulations.

You've been a crap, you get me. Grief. Beautiful, Ari. Thank you very much. You're welcome, thank you. Thanks for shittings for the benefit of my audience. Of course. Sharding, excuse me.

Of course. I'm a goddamn award. Yeah. Next is an Emmy. Who's the Karen Prime Minister? Margaret Thatcher. That one I know. It's a big bitch.

The Iron Lady. Margaret. I'm just going to answer confident like Americans always do. Sure. Margaret fucking Thatcher. So what do you guys think? Tony Blair's doing a good job? It's Tony Blair.

It's not. It's Bruce Johnson. Bruce Hills. Bruce. No, it was. Bruce. It was Benny John. Bruce.

Benny Hill. Tim Burke. Who is the current prime minister? It was Johnson. And now it's some other dicket. I have it. Some other dicket. It's Kyson.

Kyson, is it? Kaiser Soz is the current? Yeah. It's Drusky. It's ice show's feet. Drusky and drag. The current prime minister of the United Kingdom is Keir Starmer. Keir?

Who assumed office on July 5th, 2024. You find it weird that they take fucking office after July 4th? They have to take it a big L. They got to fucking get a new squad in there. The prime minister is the guy who's in charge of severance. Kear. I don't know. That's a deep turn.

Kieran Culkin? A bunch of people. Some people will get it. Have you ever seen the show? I don't think anybody gets it and I'm pretty sure you don't get it. I don't know. Kier runs it. Kieran Kalkin's the prime minister of Britain?

Yes. What's, okay, here, let me ask you a question. This is for the ones and twos. What's the difference between Britain, England, and the UK? What's the difference between Britain, England and the UK? The United Kingdom refers to all of her majesties or his majesty's territory. So the colonies too? Yes.

Like Canada's the UK? No, not anymore. No, they broke up. Yeah, but that's what it referred to, the United Kingdom. The Seychelles? Britain refers to everything on the island. Britain, Northern Ireland, and Scotland. Wales.

And England refers to the actual, you know, property, England. This guy. Is that right? What's the... This L-theonine's really working. I'm smarty as shit. But in that, you said the thing, British is on the island. Britain refers to

Great Britain England Northern Ireland And Scotland Gotcha gotcha gotcha And then England is England And then soon Scotland will break free This is one I'm gonna arrest it for

Have another referendum You guys are out You will take you And give you tons of fucking free shit They'll pay for your college Who are you talking to? England pays for the Scotland's college Everyone in Scotland gets free college

Because they fucking bent the knee Okay So you're saying That's the only reason they don't leave You want Scotland to leave and go to the EU? Free Scotland. Everyone's talking about free other... Palestine, free fucking tacos on Tuesday.

How about free Scotland? This episode's slagged. Yeah. Will you be going back to school? We'd be going to university. Uni. Uni. You're going to go take some classes?

I'm going to go hit on fucking uni chicks. Try to get them back to the New Browlachicks. Uni Brown. You go to Poland? Poland. Yeah, maybe I'll go to uni and take a class. Take a class. Didn't you already take a, you took a writing class in France?

Finishing school. I'll go to finishing school. You have to wear the book on your head? I'll become a gentleman. There you go. I'll learn to be the opposite of this. How to bend your napkin over and dip it and bend it back and hide it. Well, they used to use the tablecloth back in the day.

No way. It was considered, it was known to use the tablecloth. Spoken like a rogue. I'm telling you're going to get it. Rapscallion. Can I get my ass kick? A rap scawion. Stop it, you, Nerderwell.

Stop it, you. Nerf pistols at dawn. Unhand me. Your friend Jimmy Clark can induce you to some people. You got to get on that goddamn Graham Norton show. He's the biggest thing over there. Who the fuck is Graham Norton? Why does everybody say that?

Who the fuck is that guy? I'll tell you right now, and I'll tell you what. You just went to you. Somebody get this back to him. Graham Norton is the best late-night talk show host. Ever. Graham to spell it. He's the best format. He's got all celebrities on it. I'll drink of wine or talking. Drinking wine? I'm back in. Graham, I'm sorry I disrespected you. I'm here for the wine. You don't know the Graham Norton show? I'll just hang out in the green room for that wine.

Who's on there? You're treating like the green room of the mothership. Yeah. You're in there dropping asses. Guys, I'm glad you enjoyed your punch today. Now for the surprise. I do those hell in Aaron. I hope you packed your bags because you're going on a trend. How do they say dosing in England? Illegally dosing. you. By the way, everyone in England, when that person came out, they were all like, yeah, my friends have all done that to me. They lived harder there. Maybe this is northern England. So you're truly going home to where you belong in? Truly, truly. You're going to take those black cabs? Hey, they're African-American.

Easy. Now we're getting flogged. You're going to take the, the Penny Farthing. That's not what they're called. Penny Farthing's a bike. And I'm getting one. And I'm getting one. That's pretty good. Anyone who has a for sale used Penny Farthing. Farring. Bring it to this guy. Reach out to me on Instagram. Yeah. You know I'm talking about the black cabs.

The black, the black cars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you sit opposite each other. You can fold down seat. So four people you can face each other. Oh, that's pretty sick. It is pretty sick with a lot of room.

Yeah. Penny Fothing. A penny farthing. Yeah. Get you one right now. Dude, I'm going to take a penny farthing to the coaching horses, rent that. Then Penny Farthing. Two grand.

No, there's one for $11. That's a key chain, you bozos. What about the one on top? That's a key chain. What are these keychain? What do you think? You're going to buy an antique bike for $29? I want a new.

With free shipping? You fucking idiots. Penny Farley, the exact Republic of 1880 includes shipping in the price. No, no, I want a new. I don't need a fucking antique one. I just want a real functional one. That is a functional one. Models has one for 1850.

No, they don't. Wait, Models, the sporting goods store, they closed 25 years ago? Yes, that's right. My references are old. Where are you going to shop? Models a lot. No, they don't know Models. No, no, no, Uniclo.

Uniclo's big. Uniclo? What are you? A Japanese tourist? Yeah, you can't wear that shit. You walk around a super dry, like a dickhead? Super dry. Oh, that's also.

I'm not wearing G-Star-Rolled denim and stuff like that. What is their stores? They have, they have like. You got Harrods? Europe loves G-Star. I'm only going to wear clothes. I buy at auction. What is that mean?

I'm going to bid on clothes. A Sotheby's? Yeah, Sotheby's. They make the cake. Do I have, for like, use shorts with like a hole in the bottom of it. They're here one, do here one, one, one, Do I want one, two, two, two from the gentleman with a white wig. Do I hit 2019 for the Iron Man graphic tea?

The gentleman in the back dressed like Sherlock Holmes. Let me get a garage beer. Have a garage beer, Ari. You brought you came to Skanks with like six garage beers in your bag. Allegiant Skanks. Yeah. Yeah. Because the stand, I don't like the stand's beer selection anymore.

Whoa. They don't have garage beer. But they got Hotchicks waitresses again. That's back. That's back. It's been a long time. ZR guarantee. Are you going to shop at Tesco?

Tesco. That's it. Yes. I have shopped at Tesco for a festival year. If you need a matching top butt, right? Yeah. I mean, there's so many people I want to thank. First, I want to not thank Kevin.

This is a real glass. Are you going to be upset with this? I don't know if I walk around with this for a little while? You walk around with it? just everywhere you go like i get my free drink go to 7-11 like free strawberry with the award he took he took arre's award to sardis the award took me to sardis

i go right to in and out he just spilled that garage beer well played god damn it arey well played you shook them all before you're not gonna fly to british pub what's your problem mate you're spilling out of garage bees what do they call it carriage house no what do they call a garage over there i don't know Quick go, hot shot. Carport.

Yes. Carport. In the carport. The gentleman. What? It's logger and pills, you just call it by the thing, right? Yeah. You would order a brand, though, too.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, like, that's the thing. Like, I mean, you could take yingling, America's old as brewery, Philadelphia, pots down Pennsylvania. You go, hey, give me a logger. That's, you know, they'll know. If you're in Philly and go, give me a logger. It's going to be that. They'll give you a yingling.

Yeah, yeah. You know, it used to be pronounced. Jungling, but people couldn't pronounce it. Did you know that? And they changed the Yingling? No. Did you know that... It's the guy's last name.

Did you know that, what is it? Dutchland. Dutchland? No, Deutscheland. I just told you. Oh, yeah. That the Amish are not Dutch. The Deutsch?

Of German descent. Yes, they're of German descent. But we call it Dutch country because we couldn't pronounce Deutsch. And then who made the pretzels? They did. That's Germans. That's why that's... No, but the hard ones.

The Snyders of Hanover. They rule. This is Ari of Jerusalem. I'm going to stop persecuting them. I say let them build their houses. You're not going to have those pretzels. That's very British. Sniders of Hanover.

You can't get pretzels over there. Hanover. Yes. Ah, yes, the Snyders of Hanover. The Foley's of Bluebell. Yes, the Foley's of Bluebell. Lovely splendid group. I will.

Okay, I'm starting to think of more stuff to do. If I have a party, I'm having an announcer for each time. Wow. Hear ye, hear ye, the fat idiots have a rite. That's definitely. And me and fully come here. I'll get everyone in the guests last here. The fat idiots have a ride.

That's good. H. and Kevin. And they're like, take a coat. Your honor. Your honor. Your excellence. All right. When you're, when you're having fish and chips, are you going to get haddock?

Are you going to get cod? I did not know there was cod. Haddock. Haddock. Haddock is more flavorful. I learned that. I didn't know there was two options. that played Queen, what's her name, the one that just died, Queen Elizabeth on the show, the Crown.

Kate Beckinsale. No, who did a commercial for Burberry. The one from Pete's show? The hot chick that cooks. The hot chick that cooks for her husband? Her husband, Smokey or something like that as a model. He's fantastic in the commercial. They had a Burberry commercial together.

He's fantastic. The chick from Peep Show, too? Yes. She died? No, died. Olivia Coleman's dead? She just did a, she just did a Burberry ad. Hey, can you, at the end of this episode, after the,

credits or whatever, can you put it in a memoriam for Olivia Coleman and just put all her like best stuff and peep show everything. And a God save the queen. We'll miss you, Olivia. I'm going to miss you, buddy. Yeah, fried Mars bars. Oh, I'll give you that. Now listen. You've tried Mars bars.

That's trash. You've never heard of that? How do you normally eat Mars bars? Not correctly. Hey, the Mars bars over there that I don't got the almonds in it either. It's a Milky Way. What? That much I knew, right, Luke?

Yeah, yeah Yeah So you gotta watch out for that A lot of time Luke just says yeah Because he doesn't want to type No he knows England He's been over there Have you?

My girl is from there Yeah, he's girls from Britain My girl Talk about my last My last Oh Sunday roast are How do you know How do you about Sunday roast?

I'm getting a local I'm getting a local A A person Local bar where they know you Uh huh And they have Sunday roasts And all the regulars of the local

Have the Sunday roasts They just go there for the Sunday roast. That's pretty awesome. I'm finding my local. I've got to find out where I'm going to live first, but that's the number one thing I'm doing. Figgy pudding? Sticky toffee pudding.

Sticky toffee? That's also anal sex. Sticky toffee pudding is also known as anal sex. Berries and cream? It's the original Dubai chocolate. Do you know the story of Dubai Chocolate? No. This is not for the show, but it was a thing you would go there

and get a hooker to poop on your chest, and they called it Dubai Chocolate. Dubai wants to redo their name. So they flooded the market with actual chocolate calling a Dubai chocolate. You didn't know about this two years ago, right? Right. No one saw Dubai chocolate two years ago. They're Google washing Dubai chocolate.

So now when you Google search Dubai chocolate, the sex stuff does not come up first. Why, that's what the boys like over there? Somebody does shit on their chat? I don't get that. I think tourists go there. To get shit on their chest? If it was good enough for Hitler, it's good enough for you. Why, did Hitler do that?

That's what we heard, but we weren't trying to give them his props or anything. So maybe we made it up. I don't get that. I mean, God love anybody what you want to do, but Jesus Christ. I don't get it How's he gonna wash that out You got hair in there It's crazy

You think that's the biggest problem Is the hair? I don't know Fair I'd do a finger in the butt Something like that I get a couple of drinks To me

A little Dude, good for you guy I'd like to get a finger on the butt And then have it come out In like this So it makes this sound I don't actually like that Never try that on me

Also isn't your asshole Actively falling out of your body Yep It is actively falling out A lot of the inside is outside. Yeah. You got dysentery, mate. I got to find some old diseases to get.

Guys, this has really helped me so far. I'm really getting some shit to do there. I have a few more. When you get your medical marijuana card, they ask you what you have you. I got the blague. The plague. Me so far now. Me bobs coming apart.

Hey, no bird. Stick your finger. Me butt holes on the floor. My blood holes in the mall. I mean, on the floor. floor don't be figuring me toot lass those British chicks are tough over there you're watch they're wild they'll stab you

they'll stab you wet you wet yeah you never heard that no make you wet from blood on the outside of your body look at you yeah yeah yeah give it old man I wet you I'll wet you I just smell like we in here it's Colin Farrell in we in here gentleman right oh the gentleman yeah great movie I tell you what that guy Richie he's great

He's great. He does good stuff. He does. No one doesn't like Guy Ritchie. No. You know what I saw? The League of Ungentlemanly Warfare with Henry Cavill. Cavill.

Jesus. Great movie. He was Jesus. No. Who is Jesus? Harry Cavill? No. Jim Caviezel.

Jim Caviezel. Yeah. You see how the mistake was made. So it's like, go easy on me. You like that movie? That's right. I did like that movie because it was made by Jewish producers. No, it wasn't Mel Gibson made that movie.

Fuck off. Wait, he made that. Oh, yeah, he didn't make that. He's got a new one coming out. Passion of the Christ, too. This time, it's personal. It's in space. Finishing the job.

Hell, it is. It's all about the resurrection and lots. Oh, really? Yeah. That would be fun. Very sci-fi. What do you know about British drill rappers? Drill rappers?

Oh, a little Danny Brown. He loves Brit rappers. Danny Brown? Danny Brown loves all that shit. I did a little drill in. Brazil. What do you rhyme? Are you Dr. Seuss?

What? A little drill in Brazil. If you dance freevo. Cut that. No, no. Double that up. Double and triple it. So we keep hearing the joke over and over and over.

Cut it, got it, get it, get it. I just start saying horrible profanities to dump it me. That's an old Keith Robinson trip. I thought it was Brooklyn drill. You know that when you're bombing back in the day when you were bombing like a Tonight Show set?

You just start going, fuck, Bull. They can't use it. I was going to just start cursing. You know who Central C is? No. Oh, I know. I know.

That's one of the spices, Spice Girls. Do you know what the BBC is? Big Black. Big Black channel. Yeah, I know the BBC. I think there's like four channels there and that's it. They don't even get HBO yet. Listen, for everybody over in England, Great Britain, the UK,

are a sweet law-abiding gentleman. Take good care of them. And shelter them in your bosom. Shelter me bosom. Find the good dealers. I'm excited about that, not testing your drugs anymore. Ooh, woo! You don't think there's fentanyl over there?

Nope. Look it up. There's not. It's an American thing. There's no fentanyl. You'd have to look hard to get some. Definitely not going. Yeah.

If somebody hands you something, you can just trust it. Oh, really? Yeah. I can't just do that anyway. No liens. There's no liens. There's lays, but there's no liens. What's a lean?

Lienes. Oh. They'll sleep on the street, but like... Heroin's big over there. Oh, heroin's big. Maybe I'll get... Nah. Okay, it's not big here.

Take a walk down Kensington. They still have quailudes. A little opium den. They have that over there? I got to be honest. I think you're going to London for the wrong reasons. And I think I'm going to London. Burberry.

Burberry. Yeah, we're a burberry. You go somewhere in burberry. Can you swing that stuff? That sounds expensive. Yeah, I cannot. But maybe I'll be. home invade John Malaney.

I bet he's got some burberry. John Malaney. He ain't that good fucking home care. I can break right in there. John Malaney live in England? No, but before I leave, I'm going to home invade that guy. Steal all his burberry. He's the only guy I know who would have burberry.

Classy gentleman at John Malaney. God, I love saying burberry. Burberry. Burberry, London Fog. What's some other brands over there? Haynes. Haynes? That's American to the Corps.

I name me a pair of scivvy. They don't even have grapes over there. They got a fruit of the looms. They don't have grapes. They don't have any grapes. Barba. Barber coat. You know, that's how Jack the Ripper got those broads to get into the carriage.

What? Offered them grapes. Really? That's how they tracked them down and know that he was somebody. And then he got angry and that was the grapes of breath. No. What? Are you sure about that?

He's sure about that? That's John Steinbeck and that was based on the Depression era, migrant workers. Sorry. So what grapes do they have? Only the rich people could get grapes delivered. They're the only guys that had Uber E's. over there delivery grapes fucking make a trip so what bodegos on every corner when jack your

ripper wanted to kill one of the streetwalkers to get to enticed him over to him he would be like oh would you like some oh grapes thank you governor they fucking and that's how they found out that who it was they knew it was somebody in high society because they'd fight grape stems all over these broads oh wow you ever seen the movie in hell it'll tell you all that stuff with johnnie there look at old culture cody over here oh that's from a movie You never saw in hell. No, you've been quoting Grapes of Wrath. You've been quoting Jack the Ripper, real history.

You're a fucking culture cody today. Culture Coty, dude. My favorite quote right now is from a Humphrey Brogart movie. I'll see again tomorrow. No. Not. Frankly, I don't give a deal. Here's looking at you, kid.

Yeah, that's Clark Gable. No. Clark Kent. I was born when I met her. I died when she left, and I lived for a few weeks why she loved me. Damn. That's pretty good, huh? Nice.

What? What movie's that from? I don't know. I've heard it 5,000 times in the last 48 hours. I want to kill me. I love it. I love that. How good is that? I'm going to steal that and a fucking poem to us. I'm going to be crawling with gunny juice, mate. I'll tell you there right now.

Hello. Oh, you're pretty good with the words, isn't he? I don't think anybody was going to break that walnut, but already have a game in here to go. Oh, B, hey. With a Clark Gable clip. I've got to study this pod. I got to study this episode of really good in there. You're killing it.

I got one more for you. I know we got a wrapper up there. No, no, no, no. How do you say wrap it up? How do you say wrapping? Call it quits. Shag off. Fuck, oh.

Fuck oh, mate. Fuck off. Once one more. You know, we're going to guillotine at the end of this episode, right? Do you really think we're going to let you go over to fucking Britain? That's crazy. All the cool shit we're doing over here? Do you really fucking see that happening, are you?

Oh, I'm going to fucking miss you guys. He popped his clogs. Okay, it's when you take a girl's virginity by shoving a shoe up or pussy. Oh, my God. You're going to do well. I'm making it out of that. Thinking of that, that might not be it. Popped his clogs.

Danced? Dance well? He broke his sneakers. He died. Oh. I don't know why, but that's right. Ladies and gentlemen, for the last time. Sir.

Before he heads overseas. nighted. Before he runs back to him. I can get Bob knighted. I'm going to throw a chair in the court until he fucking knight me. Sir Ari. Ladies and gentlemen, you'll be tripping.

Keep your asshole in. Whatever. Oh, there you go. I thought he was taking his asshole out, dude. What we got? See, all of his specials on... The end. Go watch the end.

Oh, the end is available right now at Arishphere.com. Seven one-hour episodes of stories from the best comics in the world, minus two. And, yeah, get an episode for six bucks. Get them all. Save seven for the price of five. That's a fucking British conversion rate.

But yeah, it's the fucking hardest thing I've ever done. So fucking go support and get an episode. We wish you well. Yes. Come back and see us. All right. Guys, you got to come visit me. I'll visit you in Ireland.

I assume you don't go over to London. You're visa. No, we're going. We're going soon, I think. I think we'll be there in October. Where? England? Yeah.

Get the fuck out of here. Why? Yeah, we talked about this. Yeah, but the audience doesn't know. And now they do. But guys, keep it to yourself because it's been no official. I'm going to England? Relax.

You're like a dog. There's no plans. October 12th through the 18th? I'm going to be there? What? In the Hampton Inn's room 609? 2028. Ari, you've been so great to us.

Buddy, I love you. We love you so much. I love you, too. I love you guys too. And we're going to miss you? I like you. Gang, we love you. And we'll see you next week right here in the USA.

Better believe it. Peace.