Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Ari Matti Returns!

Episode Date: June 25, 2026

Are You Garbage presents stand up comedian and actor Ari Matti! You Know Ari Matti from Stand Up Comedy, Kill Tony w/ Tony Hinchcliffe, The Joe Rogan Experience, This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von, Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast, Your Mom's House, Stand-Up On The Spot, You Be Trippin' w/ Ari Shaffir, Story Warz, Bertcast, TigerBelly, Stuff Island, Triggernometry, and so much more! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! NEW AYG MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ AYG 2026 Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/pages/live-shows Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/pages/live-shows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored By: Warby Parker: Buy one prescription pair and get 20% off additional pairs at https://warbyparker.com/GARBAGE Promo Code: Garbage Rocket Money: Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at https://RocketMoney.com/GARBAGE. That's RocketMoney.com/GARBAGE. Promo Code: Garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Gang, Tootty's got a limited Fourth of July drop coming at you. Mm-hmm. We got some nice t-shirts. Show up to the barbecue looking fresh, clean, and patriotic. Yeah, don't be a bozo. Available at RUGarbage.com while supplies last. Happy Fourth of July. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast.

This is RU Garbage. Oh, yeah. It's that little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that it's a good to be classy. Yeah. Or just a big old paste trans. Trash, trash. I'm your host, A true.

coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootty's in the new addition. She's upstairs picking out the windows. Okay. My car's coming from right next. That's a quick one right there. Well, yeah, a little throat chop. Stick and move.

It's coming at you from right next to me is the CEO of, Are You Garbage? Bit of a, you know, international business man. He gets around. Germany, France, Walwood, New Jersey. Senegal? Yeah, I just got back. Really? You did like shows, too?

No. Nah. Now my wife's from there. It was just visiting. Your wife is German? Yeah. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ.

That must be hell. It ain't great. When I went to like backpacking trips, I would meet other backpackers. When you, anytime you saw a German chick, you know, she's going to be like so, like, strict. And like, they're like, they like, oh, oh, you were late. You never called me back. And then they like, there was these two German chicks in Romania and Bucharest. You know, in Bucharest there's like dogs everywhere eating dogs.

They're like the ribs are out in the corner. You can't even pet dogs that. They kick them. They hate dogs. They have a big dog issue. You can't. And it's illegal to feed a dog. It's like worse than...

You can bang a kid when she's like 13. In Romania, they're like, hey, it's love. But you feed a dog. That's like the biggest no-no. And these two German chicks just saw a random puppy. They're like nice people from Berlin, you know? So they take the dog to like local... Because they want to take it back to Germany.

So they want to get it like shot... Vaguer and the ear stripped and like numbered and stuff. And they go to like some... Veterinarian office in Roamed in Bucharest. And they're like, we want to, and they're like, you want to take a dog. They look at dogs like a piece of, like a piece of gum on the floor. So they're like, you want to take this dog to jump?

They're like, we don't even have a department. Yeah, we don't even know how to do that. Vaccinate a dog? I need a vaccine. There's kids that don't have it. I don't have a tetanus shot. Fuck the tetanus. It's all people in the vet's office.

And so did what they did, they did it. in the bag, with the dog in the bag, and then on the plane, it was like a big commotion when they found out they had the dog. And they got him to Germany and posted on Facebook crying, like, please accept the dog.

Like, they fought for a dog. Tom Broad. Kevin Ryan, ladies and gentlemen. What's up, everybody. As always, make sure you're ready to subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube, full video about Spotify. Boys are climbing the fucking charts.

And then patreon.com, the greatest website of all time. Is she, like, strict on you? Because I know these Germans are absolute lunatics. Honestly, no, not much. Not much. Does she like him?

We'll be right back. A German wife hates your fucking friends. No, she likes them. I stink, though. Because your friends bring him back to the level that she took so long to build up from. Yeah, no. Once a guy goes back with his caveman, Neanderthal friends,

you know, they all get Neanderthal together. Like a boy's woman. weekend is hell for a German wife. What do you think we're doing eating deer meat and fucking making cookouts? You guys have known it for a long before marriage, right? Yeah. Yeah. And have you guys like got on hookers or something? Hookers together?

It sounds like he's about to give us like sell us. You've done something together. You banged like some half passed out broad. On the road in like West Virginia. He's hit me like you know. In like West Virginia or something, you have a killer? And you did it to where and that's like a secret between you. Yeah. And now you we killed the, we did kill a guy. I knew

you know each other deep down. Now we creepy, creepy, guys. So you know that secret about each other. And she hates that. It's like our own little Epstein Island. We have Epstein at home. Ladies and gentlemen, we couldn't be more excited ever incredibly. And I mean, incredibly special guests back with us again today.

You know him. You love him. One of the big stars at Austin, Texas. Give it up for Mr. Ari, Maddie. Thank you. The kid comes in, as they say, hot, guns blazing. Bang, hooker. Bang, dead dogs.

Like, when her family looks at your job, do they go like, what is? He's got cash. Exactly. Yeah, I'm doing well. That's when they always. Will you tell them the real story? Oh, he thinks your wife's a goddamn Gestapo agent. She's from Czech.

Yeah, her family's Czech Republic. Oh, beautiful sweet ladies. He's got a very loving, happy family. She was born in raised in Germany. Her parents were Czech. Okay, okay. Refuge. That's a whole difference.

Yeah, yeah. So she's a thief herself. She's a pickpocket and a cheat. For her, consent is a vague spectrum. Don't go to the ATM machine here. I know. Those people are old-school. Check? Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah, I had check. You don't like checks? No, I love, we. I don't know what it was on. Who do you like? Give me the hierarchy. All the thieves and rats of Europe. Anything east.

You're Croatian? Estonian. Estonian. He's just slapped the shit out of him. But I have some Finnish heritage. I have some Ukrainian heritage a little bit. So we're all mixed, you know. And Czechs are like, they're,

They're just like us. You're all Polish to us. I'll tell you that. Who don't you guys like? That's literally worse than a gypsy. Give me to, give me those. That's worse than a gypsy.

Who don't you guys? Yeah, give us a break. Well, Polish people are like, like Estonians go to civilized places like Finland and Sweden and UK to build their shit. We're like the Mexicans of them. Gotcha. The Mexicans for us. Yes.

Polish? Ukrainian and Polish. That's all they build. They just built. Really? Really? One dollar. They build you house.

It's crazy. I dated a Polish girl for a long time. And I used to work construction. It's a big issue because you would have your license and you're like a nice guy. You're on time. And then the boss is like, don't get cute because I can call eight Polish guys. We'll do this for 10 bucks. In one room, they love living together.

Really? I thought they were a little more. He doesn't know what he's talking about. What are you talking? No, I love Polish people. Of course. I thought they were a little more. I like, you know.

Oh, it's Warsaw. It's beautiful. Yeah. I grew up in, from third to eighth grade. I was in Poland. in Poland. Who's got more cash, Estonia or Poland? Polo have the numbers, but I mean beauty-wise. See, we're close to Sweden and Finland.

Those businessmen come over and fuck our women. So I got to finish that. Everyone's got to finish that or a Swedish dad. So the money comes in with the prostitution and all the boozebags. That's all they do. They come over and they just get fucked up in our country and it helps the economy a lot. Who goes to Poland?

Yeah, it's a good point. Let's hang out at Auschwitz. What a great weekend with the boys. That was just such a good open. Who goes to you? You're like, yeah, I guess. I don't know. I never thought of it that way.

Who goes to Poland? Huh. You want to hang out in Poland? Let, like, food go bad in your fridge and hang out there. I got a bad avocado if you want it. Ari, how do you been, man? Oh, good. Yeah.

How are you guys doing? We're doing pretty good. Wow. You're out there. You're killing it. You're on the road. Yeah, it's awesome. Climing the charts, as they say.

I don't know about that. What's the living situation? Now, you still got the same spot? Yeah, in Austin. Yeah, yeah, same spot. a little house there. Texas, you can get like a tiny house as much as a fucking one bedroom apart

with a Dominican guy here. Did you buy it or you see you renting? No, no, I'm renting. Buy, what? Have you made any improvements since the last time that we've seen you? A little bit of cash coming in, doing well. Any upgrades you're making any significant purchase?

New couch, new TV. Car. No, no, I don't even have a driver's license. You know, I'm like... I'm not good with documents and logging in and like going to, like doing this stuff. I can drive a car. I've driven cars growing up in the country.

That is such an Eastern. I can drive you a car. Hey, get a car right now. Just let me rip. Anything with wheels, just a million rip. I'll know how it works. I'll figure it out. I'll go slow.

Just give me the thing. I hate that you got to take, you got to be like, whoa, well, and they ask all the questions. What's your ID? I like riff through an intersection. I've riffed through high school.

I don't know, like, numbers, but I can riff. Like Poland. I don't know when it was made or where it's at. But I know, like, the people a little bit. it out. Yeah, I'll figure it out. That's good.

You said you were getting ready to go to, uh, to go to Estonia, right? Yeah, yeah. Any big plans over there? Well, we have midsummer holiday on the 20th. I'm excited about that. What does that mean?

It's like, uh, the longest day. So the sun never goes down. It's the longest day of the year. That's where you are with the sun don't go down. Well, really? In the winter, the sun don't even visit.

So don't worry about that. The sun, he's a bastard. Where are you? In Eastern, it's Eastern Europe. Well, it's no, no, it's northeastern. I really don't let me look. I really don't know where... I thought that was in the Arctic Circle.

The sun doesn't go down. But during the winter, we have the gray, so it's all gray, and that's when you kill yourself and do bad stuff, and you drown the kids in the top, wait for a wife to get home. I thought you were more down here. I didn't realize you were up there. Yeah, sure, we're Moldova. I really thought you guys, you're bumping with the Moldova. Latvia?

Latvia, you're above Lithuania? Gotcha. You know what's great to do as a country that's very invaded all the time? Get really high. Smoke 22 bongs and start zooming out on Google Maps and seeing how big Russia is. Holy fuck. I didn't realize you guys were, yeah.

Wow. Every time I look at it, I get scared. Wow. Yeah. Most of that's parking lot. What am I going to do here? Holy shit. I don't realize you were that close to St. Petersburg either.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In Petersburg, Florida? Way better than the original. Let me tell you that. I went to St. Petersburg, Florida. It's beautiful. love it. It's great.

I would retire there in a hard... I love it. Love it. Why am I here? In New York, Austin? As soon as I went to Florida, I was like, Joe Rogan, we need seven clubs. It's amazing. And the whole...

I love Naples. Everyone was like, oh, Miami, Miami. Everyone's coked out. I don't like... Lots of tension in the air. In Naples, I can kill everyone on the peninsula because I'm so strong compared to those people. And that's when I'm on vacation. That's all old people, right?

Yeah, it's all old people. Flex on a bunch of old Jewish guys. And everyone's chill. And everyone's chill. You go to the tiki bar. I'm the most alpha guy. The cop show up. He's an old guy.

I can rule Florida. Now I'm relaxed. At least a panhandle. In Miami, I saw a fist fight next to a cabana. Who fights on her? And it was over a cabana. You know, one of those rented cabana. So your theory is who's fighting when there's cabanas?

Everybody relax. Have a good time. There's chicks around. But they're all coked out. But there's chicks around, exactly. Yeah, they want to. So what happened was, they go for a dip. But they don't leave a lot of stuff in the cabana.

They leave like one shoe or something. You know? And then a new Royed up. You're insane. Shows up and takes over. They come back from the ocean. And within two minutes, I saw a fist fight. Who fights coming out of a dip?

Yeah. How angry are you? Also, fighting in sand's gotta be tough. Oh, fuck that shit. Straight-rested. And then the chicks are, yeah. It's all because of the, even the guys, whenever you see a fight, they don't want to do it. Dude, I told that to my wife.

So now I have to. And you're not going to get wet, your pussy. Even if I back down and we survive, your pussy saw what happened. It's over. And it's over. It's a wrap. He's a rap. He's my man, even a man.

He's not. I can get a Cuban guy who'll fight the police. Now that's a man. And the pussy saw what happened. Oh. So you have to die for the. So you have to die for the. Yeah, that's, you can fight, though.

You can scrap. You know what you know. No, I can fight when it's like the mats are down. We warm up. We do the robbers for my shoulder. And you're my friend. And you're my friend. And I'm training with my friend.

We're rolling around. I'm making gay jokes. Yeah. I can't do street 3 a.m. fucked up. I need a big warm up and clarity. I'm not combat ready. He's got to listen to like an Eminem song or something to get pumped out.

Yeah. When you did like M. Everybody thinks like I'm always like, Alex Pereira, I'm ready to go in there. I haven't sparred in 10 years and I'm a pussy at heart. I'll let my girl get punched before I. I literally, I'm a terrible fighter. I'm a great witness.

Are you dating now? You got a girl? You locked in? You're playing the field. What are you going to do this to the guy? Hey, dickhead. I dated a girl for a little bit, you know. You know how it is.

Lost her in a fight in Miami. Are you both like married? No. Well, I'm on my way out of a marriage. Really? I'm married. Yeah. You have a little bit of tension around you.

You think so? Way more than last time. Are you kidding me? I'm very relaxed. Well, your life is about to get good. But is it the money that you're, like, losing? That's what making you angry. I already took care of that.

Really? Yeah. Bong on. I swear to God, the way I've heard about these American divorce. In Estonia, you can leave your wife with two kids on the curb who gives a fuck. It's mine. Yeah. That happens all the time.

That happens to my mom. too. That's if you have a lawyer. That happened to my mom. My stepdad my stepdad bought me a PlayStation and I said can we get it modified so I can get the games. Remember you would get the games like for $1? He says if we have money to buy the PlayStation, we have money to buy the games like a baller.

Six months later, six months later he moved out. So now I had no games, no nothing. Me and my mom for fuck. But these divorces here, yeah, you guys. It's messy. If my, no matter how much money I have, if you take five grand, from me, I'm killing

your cat. You're not taking my money that I worked. I did a weekend in West Virginia in front of incels for this. I was in the double tree with me and the fan thinking of suicide. I worked for this five grand. You're not taking it.

All right, what is wrong with you? I don't know. I just I've heard so many horror stories. It scares the shit out. I get it. Bad news. I get it. I had to have the conversation to my wife recently because we have a one-year and we walked out of the store there was a crazy guy

who was like screaming and stuff and I just said get on this side of me so mainly protecting the kid for sure my wife can handle it is you know there's check broads you should protect yourself

you can make the kid he can make one of you what are the chances he's also going to be a star how flattered you called me a star big bucks and I just said you what if

you know in the rare instance that there's an issue. I go, you get the baby and go. Do not try to prevent. I'm not an engaging. Really? I'm just going. I think Ari disagrees with this philosophy.

Very strongly. If I have a problem, I look at my boyfriend, like, honey, suck him off. Bias time. I tell the kid, go get the cops. I'll actually, I'll go get the cops. You stay with mommy. I'll go get the cars. I'll be right back with the money.

I'll wink. Do you want to have kids? I guess so. I mean, I want to, yeah. How would have a fellow are you? Thirty-four. You're 34. As a guy, I can go al-Paccina, you know, find some.

Bah, ba, ba, ba, ba. Yeah. That's so good. But all my friends, chicks, they're all fuck now. Dude, if you're a 34-year-old woman, you're literally over. They call it- In culture. In culture. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love you angels. These aren't your personal beliefs. Ari Maddie's personal. This is society. It's not my, I'm portraying what you guys have done. Don't play Mari. Also, after 35, it's called a geriatric pregnancy. I don't like that word.

That's crazy, right? That's crazy. I go, no, the women didn't sign off on that. Some dude came up with that. A geriatric pregnant. 35, ew. But in America, with these female comedians, they have cash. When they got cash, they have kids at 45.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do the fertility, freeze your eggs, crazy eggs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Over easy. And all of my age women, they want a stability, they want a career, they want a driver's license, you know. I'm with an e-bike. I'm coming in with a lime scooter. That's what he texts.

He goes, I'm parking myself. city bike. He goes, Ari Matt, he's driving around the city on a fucking city bike? I guess.

You have no idea. I have nothing. Yeah, I don't even know. Yeah. So I don't know. That's tough. How do you get around in Austin? You just take Uber's?

I got a bicycle on my little legs. Really? An Uber. Yeah, yeah. So you're downtown. I don't like the fact that I have a thing under my ass that I can kill a whole family with

and now I got to deal with that. Yeah. Oh. Because I want to drink. I want to chill. Sure. I want to chill. Really.

I don't like responsibility, parking, are you kidding me? What? Let me stay here. Where? I'll be back. I swear to God, I'll be back. I don't like the rules around barking for sure.

Sure, I get that. You're not a rule guy. Who's cleaning the house? Are you cleaning the house? You got a cleaning lady. I really tried to do this American. Well, I dated for a girl for a while. Oh, my God.

It's like you reach a new age in life. The beds, the pillow don't look like it's been pissed off. It's crazy. It's a crazy. upgrade because I haven't been in a relationship for a while. Oh, I'm a new man. It's crazy. Things smell.

You're in an adult relationship. There are so many weird smells in my house that I don't know where they're coming from. Like, and women will clean a house, clean it. Like they'll move a shelf. Behind my shelf right now, there's Avatar. I mean, it's bad. I don't clean that. I don't see it.

You don't clean. I mean, so I thought about the cleaning lady, American, American American. You know, you guys do that. Very American? Yeah, we guys... You don't know. Cleanly is in Europe? It's a big, big boom in business.

My wife doesn't tell her family and friends that we have. Go to Angie's list or something. So then I tried it two times. I got cash lying around. I'm worried. I have the paranoia. And also, I clean for the cleaning lady. Yeah.

You cannot see my default. You got to get into a presentable place. When chicks come over to my place. That's very American. And I tell them, I... Sorry, so messy. That means I have cleaned for four hours. I'm so sorry.

To get to this messy. Not normally like this. And the shame I felt like when a cleaning lady saw what's really going on in a single man's life. It's bad. Bad. So now I'm cleaning for the cleaning lady. And then the whole operation fell apart. The girl left.

Yeah, I'm just a happy pig and shit, dude. Yeah. I'm not going to pretend like I'm better than anybody else. I'm a little pig and shit. Yeah. But I do other things. I talk. I walk.

Like I'm, I have other qualities. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you have a lot of good qualities. My dick works. It's not the biggest, but it works. And it's fun to be with me. You know, I don't have a driver's license, but we'll take line bikes downtown and we'll laugh the whole way. He's on the highway. So the chicks I'm banging right now, they're all coming out of.

Are you wearing your own merch too? Don't worry about it. It's like a Heil Hitler, but we'll like. He's the funniest person. So the chicks I'm dating right now, there's a lot of women coming out of divorces right now. And that's when they go for a guy like me. You son of a bitch. That's when they go for a guy like me.

Yeah. Because I'm a fucking loose. Yeah, you're fun. You're edgy. I had this husband. Yeah. Piece of shit. It was an accountant or something.

I don't know. And I don't even listen to you. I'm like disrespectful but fun. I don't answer the calls. I'm like a wild bull. Warby Parker, Warby Parker. Warby friggin' Parker, baby. Listen up.

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Listen, I did not grow up with financial literacy. Nobody taught me nothing. I've had to teach myself and rock of money has been instrumental. instrumental in that process. You download the whole dashboard. They got a lot of features. I get emails every week. Hey, you have these recurring charges coming up. Hey, I just got one. Hey, what's this charge? You just came in for 300 bucks. It's higher than normal. Get eyes on it. Get ahead of it. And it makes you just understand what's coming in and what's going out. It consolidates your checking, your savings, your loan investments into a single dashboard and gives users a clear view of the financial

picture. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel on one of subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join Rocketumoney.com slash garbage. That's rocketmoney.com slash garbage. One more time, rocket money.money.com slash garbage. Do it. Huh. What's in your house that makes you feel classy? Or what have you got? Yeah, what is something you do? You spend money on, you know, you buy that makes you go, oh, I feel this makes me feel. It doesn't have to be classy. It doesn't have to be, you know,

It could be flying first class. It could be staying at a nice hotel from time to time. I try those espresso machines. Too many buttons. Yeah. What the fuck is happening? You're like a cave, man. Too many buttons.

Yeah, yeah. And then an error, you ever see an error on a device? And you Google the error in history, it has never happened. Yeah, you got a B-94 warning or something. Yeah, yeah. Chat chip, it is like, you're on your own. Mm-hmm. So I do a French president.

I'm a gentleman Yeah I like It takes a while Do you like do you ground the beans yourself Of course I'm a big coffee guy That's my little There

The beans where The house or down at the supermarket And even the machine The middle Oh yeah I go down to the place Place place with like The LGBT flags The good coffee

I smell it But even the uras And there's a ura like an E5 Which is the regular ura With the button Has an internal grinder What I want is this machine. You like the espresso.

Yes, but the small one you get at home doesn't have enough pressure. The big ones cost $100,000, by the way. And they need maintenance. If I'm going... You get a clean of it. If I'm really going for something, that's my dream. But the French press takes time.

You wait. You push it down. You push too early. You feel bad about it. Sure. I like that. Usually give it about seven minutes. You don't want the water boil.

I take breakfast. I have a nice garden. No shoes inside. So there are some. No shoes inside. Very nice. I bet you his place looks nice. The way Americans literally come over.

Just like Austin, AIDS. Yes. You see like the ball of. A band-aid on there and stuff. It's bad. And chicks are like, what are we doing later? Maybe cleaning up. I don't know.

See, I bet you he's real neat. Takes care of his shit. No, actually not. I think he's crazy. And those are just things. It's not dirty. But it's messy. It's messy.

But it's messy. Clothes. merch thrown around. There's like different jurisdictions of of clean clothes. You know, there's like the chair. You know, the chair. Yeah. The chair means I already went to the party there.

It's halfway there. If I go like, this, it's pretty bad. But for a friend, it's good. But if I want to hold on to a girl, it's a problem. So that's the chair. That's the chair. Then there's the floor. One might think the floor means wash.

Uh-uh. The floor means I take the trash out with that shirt. You know. I got you. I'm right there with you. Then it's in front of the washing machine. It's in front. You think that means next step is washing? I might not. I might walk past it and see it and be like, I'll just put it on parking. A little bit of life. You are a very nuanced, complicated man. You know that, right? I've never heard anybody so eloquently describe the clothes on the chair. It's very good. It's like that is, that is like around the way.

world. Yeah. Everybody, that resonates. That is funny. But if you have a wife, the chair needs to go. Wives have two jurisdictions, dirty or clean. Yeah. They don't like the, oh, don't.

So many times my bitch was, throw the fucking shirt in the wash. I literally wore it one time to one spot. I didn't even, I was in the Uber. I didn't even walk around in it. Or not even sweat in it. Or a specific kind of guy, Ari. But, you know, women don't like that. I was a little sleepy before you got here.

I'm about to go. I get a divorce, dude. I'm so sweaty, too. I came from a steam room. You did? Yeah, I went to Lifetime. No kidding. You went and had a steam.

A little schvitz, as they call it. Then by the pool, I see like a... You know what I love seeing as a man? 65-year-old guy? He still keeps in shape. He does yoga, and he's super tan. He got a good job in New York. He's got a black girl fan about 28.

She's a little chubby. But for him, she looks like an angel. He looks like an absolute ass. You know, like a skinny old guy with the flab. Yeah. I got that guy. Not skinny, but I got the saggy gorilla titty. You know what?

When you get older, being fatter, looks better. It's skinny, all the skin and they see the veins. You know when the veins are, some of them don't even work. They're like, they're like trains. Like the tracks have been shut down. Like the hard done, retired. Like an old subway tunnel? Oh, like your own subway.

They're about to flood. They're about to flood. that tunnel. It's not no use no more. But he's got a young like chubby fat girl. What this is because of co-ed spa? Co-ed spa, co-ed spa. And what's going on in there? Anything? Well, for 300 bucks a month, I will

look at pussy. Now, do you have the one you can go to any lifetime in the country? Yeah, that's a good past. You've got to get that one. Yeah. You're traveling. You're a big spa guy, huh? My favorite thing is... Eastern European, man. My favorite thing is go to the lifetime. And in front of me, there's people who look at their lifetime basic, so they can go to their bum fuck hoboken one. Don't come to middown.

They can't move. Don't come to middown. And they get denied. I love that. What do you get done in there? Classism. That's another thing that would go back to the fancy thing that makes you feel fancy. I feel better than you because I got the 300.

Another American experience. I never knew first class. It sucks. I mean, aviation sucks anyway. Like group three is boarding. All the animals, group six, seven, eight. They're all, which I often am. Sometimes that's expensive.

Anyway, but I'm speaking of the one time, once a week I spend dealing. And I go right fast and everything. And everybody looks like you're retarded because I'm playing my music. I'm not actually not playing music. I want to hear the hum. I want to hear the hum. I want to hear the whispers. I want to hear the whispers.

But everybody thinks, oh, he's going to get denied and it's going to be a shame that come back with group eight. I'm not one of you. And even they go, we'll just group three and then you show that. Ba, ba, bah. You know, it's a different color. Sure. It's red.

They got the blue. I'm the red delta, dude. Papa, hook up! Straight into the tunnel. That's a good feeling. Everyone else is worried. I get, thanks for being Diamond. I get a, hey, thank you, Mr. Ryan. Wow, I don't have that.

If someone's behind me and they hear that, I turn and go suck my dick. Feels nice. It's so good. Feels nice. And then I love that the way they do it brutally do, that you sit down. What?

Animal. Will you make eye contact as they walk by? You look at them and disgust? Depend. Some people I see, I'm like, they're like me. They're like, they sometimes maybe afford it or sometimes they reward themselves. So they know the rules. Yeah.

They know what's going on. They know what's going. They're like, oh, good for you. And maybe one day, maybe next Friday on my shorter flight. It'll be me. It'll be me. But then there's people who will never be here. And that feels good.

You belong back there. Do you ever take anything from first class? You take like the little kit that they give you the slippers you bring that home or nothing? No, no, I don't like that. No, no. I saw a guy. We was fine to Germany.

We land in Germany. Lufthansa? Yeah. The little bags? By the way, I had those little backs still. Yeah. So you do take them. Sometimes, yeah.

They give you. I didn't want to say it. They give you nice blankets, too. By the way, I keep everything. I know you do. I'm taking this back and the one from here. Well, the guy. That guy doesn't take.

The guy was walking up from coach to get off, and he was going through ransacking every month. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll never. I was like, you'll never, you don't. You know you don't belong, guy.

You know you don't. Ian Finan took my slippers one time. Really? You're on the same point. I mean, yeah. They do have some nice stuff. You guys just toothbrush in there, some lotion, some cream, something like that. But have you heard about these darkest airlines when it's the shower?

Yeah, that's so. That water, it can't be good, though. Can't be good. It's full of recycle. Yeah. There's no way we got enough water. Why the fuck would you have to take a shower on the plane? You want to take a shower on the plane?

a shower when you get off the plane? No, no, true, true. I get that, yeah. You have to plane. I would take a shower? I would do it for sure. You would? Yeah, when the fuck else am I going to get a chance to shower on a plane? Is there, wait, hold on? Is it a shared shower? No, I think it's you. No, no, no, no, no. You get a slot. You get a slot. A 15-minute slot and you get a slot. So, like, most people do it right before landing, you know, you just press it up. Is there one shower, or is there multiple showers on the plane? I think there's two showers and they clean everything. And the bathroom is big, big. Yeah. Yeah. And it's, I've seen the pictures. It's Really?

But they clean really nice to it. Like between every bathroom, if you go, there's a special attendant that cleans after every person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What if you had a turbulence in you're in there and you fucking fall out? Your balls are hanging out. Everybody's seeing my little wiener. Fucking need that bullshit. You got my hair plugs in.

Coming back. Have you ever seen, like, pictures? How flying used to be 70s, there's like a bar area. Yeah. That's so cool. Fresh fruit, shit like that. I know. No seatbelts.

Those things went down. One 9-11 a year versus a bar on a plane. You're saying the trade-off is worth it? I mean, Jesus Christ. I don't think that like 9-11 is why I don't have the bars on there. When you go to Estoney, isn't it a big jumbo jet with a bar upstairs? What? I've never even seen that.

They don't have that shit no more? The bar's upstairs. I thought you said that the ones that have the bubble on top, they got a bar up there. You go up there and hang out. You make up a lot of stuff like that. You watch some AI video of a bubble. and you think it's real? There's no bubble.

There's those big jets with the hump on top. Yeah, no, there's more seats up. Second floor. No, they're not. No, they're not. There's more seats up there. I think that's all. I just took one.

I just took one. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can ball. Yeah. Where? To Germany, the Lufthansa. With Lufthansa?

Yeah. They have one with the second floor that has like eight seats up there. The Austin. Dude, the Austin one, we have ashtrays. That's an old. That's an old, yeah. Sometimes you'll get on a plane. It'll be an ash tray in your hand or your armrests.

You're like this thing's got to be. I know, yeah, yeah. From fucking 1978. They're still the same model, 747s, 80, 320. Those are all models from the 70s, dude. They got new shit in it, though. I got the hydraulics, a computer, shoot down radar, all that shit. There's like two planes of ours in themselves.

Two planes. Yeah. You would know if you're getting on that plane. It's like the Air Emirates flight with. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, they don't have them. You know, Delta flights don't have them.

Yeah. Damn. Hmm. Okay. Look at that. In the world of travel, let's say, Let's say you have a flight at noon. What time are you showing up to the airport?

Are you going to get that early kind of guy? You run right through. You sprint through. I feel like you're probably, you're like packing your bag running through the terminal, I feel, a little bit. Smelling your shirt to make sure it's still good. If I get there five minutes before boarding, I am already in a good time. Get to the airport or to the gate. You know, the airport? No, they get to the, say boarding's 11.30.

I'm so fucked, dude. I have, I don't even know how I have a career. Can you ever miss the flight? Yeah. Are you kidding me? 50-50 every time. I'm so like... Why?

I don't know how... Dude, time is a weird thing where it's like sometimes it's so fast and sometimes so slow. I like the way he's living. Because I don't even know, like sometimes I'll get up at 8 for a 10 o'clock flight. I'll be there like half an hour early.

I'm like, how did this happen? Next time I wake up at 7, I miss the flight. What is that? You can't tell me time is same. It's relative. It's a good point. I mean... It's crazy.

You've got good points, dude. You really do. Do you ever have anxiety or anything like that? Or what? Or anything? I don't think so. No, yeah. Oh, no, no, no.

You do? You get anxiety? Yeah, you know. Do you worry if you missed that flight? Oh, yeah. I mean, I have a full panic attack. I'm always worried. This ain't easy.

It's not my fault. It's not like Leonardo DiCaprio. La la la. Catch me if you can. I'm not that guy. I'm worried, though. I'm fucking. Oh, fuck.

But then time goes so quick sometimes. It's crazy. You literally look at a watch. Like, okay, okay, okay, okay. Two hours. What? I just sat here. Yeah, I hit it down more.

It's weird when shit does that. Sometimes it goes so slow. And then sometimes you talk to your wife and you're like, whoa, what the fuck? We've been in for hours, two minutes. Here, here, here, here. Oh, my God. Huh. Okay.

I would have pegged you for a little bit more showing up early, being on time. Oh, no, no, no, being on time. Look what happens. This kid's a loose cannon. I know. You weren't late today. I was late even to my high school. Dude, I have a memory of high school graduation, not graduation, the exam.

Uh-huh. You have to do, like, um. What do you examine? SATs, we call them. So that's the unanimous, unanimous. The score? Just took a shot at that. Yeah, everybody.

Well, yeah, we said the SATs are like the nation, everybody kind of thing. But is it different subjects? Yeah, it's English and math. English and math. Like, yeah. Oh, we do like too mandatory. I think it's math and the literature. And literature, it's not, it's like you have to write an essay or something.

Yeah, they had that. Yeah, yeah. So that, and that is the most crucial part. Which we, because you can be, see, that's, another thing. You can get creative on that. I didn't know nothing. The topic was like, like, vendetta or something. I did my own thing. That's why you're studying in vendettas? Or something. I don't know. There was something cool, like something, ooh. And I remember that morning, I know ex-ed-sam. It's my high school exam. The most important day of my life probably to graduate

this fucking thing. I look at the time. The vibe is off. The vibe is off. I go back. And I have that thought in the bed I go I miss it up I just went back to bed no shit like half an hour late and then the teacher do they send like an outside person to look at the SATs to control yeah yeah yeah it's like a proctor they don't do not yeah yeah because it's a conflict of interest yeah yeah yeah so there's some cunt there who already closed the door and the exam is going you can't be late you are so it's already going but my teacher loved me loved me and she goes with the it's yeah proctor proctor proctor we would say yeah proctor and then she grabs me and goes up to the tractor and goes to goes to her like like all he has a difficult family life and and like uh you know he's

from a violent home and he works dude i worked at a trampoline center just to bag those chicks and my mom loved me my mom gave me snack i was eating snacks this morning playing gta before that so she goes he was late because he comes out of town dude was right here Did you usually work at a trampoline place? I worked at a trampoline place. What, do you mean like where you go in and jump around or you sold them? You know those big rooms? There's like a lot of walls and shit.

Yeah. Yeah. And then there's all these like moms with their kids coming around. I would hit on the moms, watch the kid. I wouldn't really watch the kids. So many kids fucking broke their legs around me. That's crazy. One time I saw him, he's legs.

Anderson Silva, you know, like. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Because he was so fat. And then another fat kid. jumped on the trampoline at the, and it's an inertia. It's a double in inertia.

Go, go, go. And full snap, the mom is crying, but she's vulnerable emotionally. And that's when Ari swoops in. And then I had to hold the leg and act like everything's good with that. And I feel the clean bone, like between my hands. And I'm holding, I'm hitting on the mom. So what are you doing later? Yeah, I'm telling him.

Where's his dad at? What are he's like crying? I'm telling he's going to be okay. God damn. You know what I want to ask you? When it comes to literature in Estonia, uh-huh. Are you doing like Shakespeare and shit, or is it more like...

Russian, Russian, Russian, Russian. Really? So like Dostoevsky. Dostoevsky. What was that? Crime and punishment or what's it in English? Well, Warren Pee, crime and punishment. Is it crime and punishment?

Yeah. Law and order. Huh. War and peace, I would assume. Oh, yeah, war and peace. I didn't read any of them. I read the cliff notes and I riffed. Yeah, that must be so hard.

American English or American literature is brutal. Man, trying to get through fucking war in peace. I would never. You give me a million years to read that shit. It's... Let's go! And also with my generation, I'm playing GTA3. Yeah, and the pivot to that.

I'm murdering hookers in an alley, and during the day, acting like I'm a nice guy and following traffic lights, and then at night, I murder hookers. You stomp them, you get your money back. You know, it's how you lose 40 for the hooker, but you get 75 back, and you're like, That's in the game?

What's the 35? Yeah, yeah, you can stomp a hooker to dead and get the money back. That's the year, yeah, you ever played? Jesus Christ. That's the Estonia version. And then I try to read like a Dostoy where it's like a seven-page heartbreak moment. I just murdered seven hookers went to bed. At the best night's sleep.

Exactly. I unlocked two islands and helicopters were after me because I shot cops. I'm shooting police officers. Yeah, but let's talk about that chili pad. Chili pad. I know you're a hot sleeper. You sleep hot. Hot box in it.

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Spotify, it's Jay Shetty. Are you one of those media strategy people? Scrolling through spreadsheets, searching for an audience that pays twice as much attention to your ads than they do on social? Let me introduce you to fans. And they're here with me on Spotify. Trust me, I know fans.

They don't skip, they stay for hours. They don't move on, they manifest. They're not a demographic group, they're fans. Spotify Advertising. You're among fans. What was the last book you read? Or tried to read. No, no, no, now on the Kindle, I read a lot.

But only autopart. I don't like anything made up. Auto by, yeah, I'm the same way. I hate Harry Potter. All of that. Like an owl talks to me in a train. Get the fuck out of here. I'm 34 years old.

I don't like Marvels. I don't like any. It's so weird. Give me a guy like trying to pay rent or something like that. You don't like superhero movies or nothing? Like, grown men will watch like, what is it? The Galaxy Guardians. Right?

And like a three. He's clever, man, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. I'm moving in with this kid. Wip you into shape. I don't know. I can't get into like the matter. James Bond, I like, because he bangs.

That's real. That's a real guy doing real shit. It's doable. It's doable. I could do that. I don't get the superheroes. They have, like, weaknesses. And I'm like, well, just write the weakness that he doesn't have it.

Just like, can he do it? Can he not do it? Does he have powers? He's not have powers. You're going to save a day? Oh, let me guess he saves his day. And then Dr. It's like Dr.

The city. Dr. Manhattan. Manhattan. You don't like that? You don't like that? He's like super, super, but then he's like a pussy also. That doesn't make sense, dude. What are we talking about? I'm with this guy.

He's already had superpowers. And I love autobiographies. Who do you read? All the musicians and all the comedians, all entertainers. There's a great one by James Brown. No, it's not even his. It's his manager, I think.

It's called The One, if I remember. I don't know. And there's like, it's a great book where there's like chapter by chapter, it's like James Brown's account of what happened. And then like, sideclothed from his manager. Oh, that's awesome. And he's great. Like every story is like, you know, like, I didn't do nothing, man. I went home, went to bed.

Being in the 70s, there's a black man in Georgia. It was a rough time. The police always gave us trouble. Police pull us over, left us in Georgia all night. And then you read the manager. He had a hooker in the trunk with a shotgun. Different account of it. You know what I mean?

That's good. Reading on the Kindle, that's good. You're staying engaged. This kid's a psychopath. What are you talking about? I'm trying to get on his side so it doesn't fucking hurt me. No, no. No, I'm kidding.

How often are you in the gym? What's the, what's the daily routine of R.E.M. I wake up. You got your French press? You do the French press. So late. Bro. You're not doing the French press when you leave for the airport.

Are you? I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I could go to bed at 1 a.m. or 5 a.m. Or 7 a. I sleep at 1 a.m.

Whatever the... It just happens. Do you do the coffee at the house before you go to the airport? If you got an early flight? No. You get the coffee at the airport. No.

What? I get the coffee. When I get to the place, I take a nap at the hotel and then I go... So you don't want any coffee in the water? Yeah, exactly, because it ruins the fucking... I get a little bit. I'll get a little too, I'm missing the flight.

I don't need to. coffee and I mean fucking warm I need to calm down well you sleep on the plane no I'm I can't do that I don't know I'm also like a big you're a bigger guy I'm a big Neanderthal and I can't I don't know I'm so uncomfortable people always hit my leg I don't know if you get to lay flat can you it's a weird sleep it's one of these yeah I'm not seeing shit a guy in 4B is real chill yeah I'm not seeing shit And I'm like a crazy sleeper too. I kick, my dad.

I can imagine. Oh, my God. You kicking your sleep? I don't know. I just move on. I bite my teeth. I don't know. Guy grind his teeth.

I grind your teeth. Oh, my God. Grind it down, dude. When you're sleeping? Yeah, it's crazy. That's crazy. Stop doing that. It looks insane.

And then I, that was so oddly scary. You don't let it doesn't look like you and I'll never not see, never not see that. And then they say get the gum shield, dude. Yeah. So gay. to like worry about your teeth that night Jesus Christ Just be a real man's man

Turn them into dust Or to the steam room You don't plunge after Isn't that part of the thing? It was close today Really? What the fuck? You get some of that 300 back

I know it's crazy How often do you do this? Be serious how no every day Everyday every day every day I have to find a sauna every day Oh it's in my culture We have a sauna and a shower Next to each other

We built a sauna before the bedroom It's a thing I have to do it You sauna every day Every day every day every day I'll find a way. I mean, if there's no sauna, I'll fucking figure it. How long are you in there for? Half an hour till I absolutely want to kill myself. Sweat.

I count down a second. You sweat it out. Sweat it out. It's good for you. Yeah. I drink a lot, too, so I got to do something. You got to get it out. And then you shower off or cold plunge. Co-plunge shower.

And then you feel great. It physically feels good. I don't feel good, but I feel better than I did before. Uh-huh. So I can now. Every day. Every day. Do you have a sauna at the house?

No. Those are not worth it. It's not the right experience. But I moved next to a sauna place. That's a Finnish sauna in Austin. It's super nice. Very nice. Really?

Hard as fuck. 2.10. 2.10 for 20 minutes. Oh. Oh. Feels so bad. Good in there. banging out.

Yeah. And then you come out, you become a new person. Everything is where all the sins, all the creepy stuff you did last week. Fresh start, though. I want to hang out with him. All the weird shit you said to that lady. He all sweated out. You all sweated out.

Repent for your sins, dog. Yeah, that's my church. It's all, boy, I know you're a goddamn sweetheart. I am. I'm actually, like, so scared, dude. I'm scared. He's the sweetest guy in the world. I'm literally terrified every time.

Ladies, man. The chicks all love them. Even. You know, I'm always doubtful about New York. I like nature. I like calmness. I'm already an anxious person, so I don't need another New York ramping me up. You're anxious?

Or, like, I'm already, like, on edge, you know? No, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we get it. So, kids are volatile. But this visit has been like magical in the sense of stuff that's happened. I get in on Sunday. Take the elevator. I'm at Citizen M, you know, Citizen M.

Like that chain, Citizen M. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Citizen M. What their thing is, nice rooftop, nice people, nice lounge area. The room are all very, like, small but functional. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They got good stuff, good beds. It's like a traveler's thing.

And the check-in is there's no... Oh, here's the card. You just go, pa, pa, pa, pa, and you take the card. That process needs to be completely changed. It's crazy. It's insane. Checking in a hotel in a room. It's meant for like a working person, and it's cool.

And backpackers use it, and hip people use it because they have a rooftop bar open until 2 a.m. Only for the hotel guests. I like that. Very cool. I hate. No riff, riff. I hate when you have a nice hotel and then the. Oh.

Just people from the street are in there. I saw you on the plane. Don't come up here. I saw your pass. It was blue. Now, you go up to this, when you're in the city, like, who you've been hanging out with? You go by yourself? I mean, it was the UFC at White House, so I wanted to see that at a bar.

I didn't do any spots that, and I need to relax for a second. So I go and take a few beers at the rooftop bar. Very nice. You burned it. I take a few beers at the rooftop bar. Are you talking to people at the bar? He has to be. Sometimes.

I'm scared. You're chatting people up. First time in my lifetime. This has happened. I'm 34 years old. I've traveled a lot. I've done a lot of stuff. I've never had this happen.

I go to the elevator. Chick walks on. I'm on floor 17. She's 15. She walks on. She says nice shoes. I say nice dress. You know, I go come back quick, too.

She says, I got, the rest of it is nice too. Whoa. Whoa. How you done? I'm like, where are you going? You tell me. Like, that's what she says. I mean, what are we doing?

You're Jane Funt. What are you wearing? A dirty shirt that was on the chair. A chair. I'm wearing a good. Call good looking kid? No, no, but I'm not like that. So now I'm trying to figure out is she mentally ill because that seems that seems that seems like this is a guy who thinks people are out to get him

Is she mentally ill? I know I mean I would have to I would also agree with you for sure Exactly so you just go let you go you try this don't happen you're trying to get one oh So I talked to her name's Catalina nice girl big tities Nice girl big tities laughs great she's got a big round face those are the best chicks that have a big round face the echo chamber It's like a big laugh and they're fun personalities and they always always suck dick. Dude, when you see a chick with a head like Stewie from Family Guy.

When you see a chick with a head like Stewie from Family Guy, a big American football, she sucks thick. Look into it. I've said this on multiple podcasts, look into it. So this chick's super pretty, so cute. Big titties. I talked to her. I try to see if she's mentally ill.

I ask her seven times eight. She says 56. I'm like, wow. 56? No. No. I ask her. What seven times eight?

Oh. You go 50. I thought she was 56. It also seemed like you were questioning if you didn't think seven times eight was 56. I don't know. It's 81, motherfucker. Yeah, okay.

So I find out she's cool. I tell her, I want to watch the UFC. That's what I'm doing tonight. And I don't want to bring her because I want to watch UFC by my... I don't... With my friends, I can, but if my friend doesn't...

I watch... That's the only sport I watch. If you don't know, I don't want to hang out with you. Yeah, you want them to know. So stupid. You're going to ask stupid questions. You're like, oh, this is kind of gay. Yes, move on.

I want to go. alone to a bar. So I'm watching drinking the beer and I start getting text messages. Start sending me pictures. Her in the room like really?

The hole is out. Like sexy pictures. Sexy pictures. I picked up on. And she's like. You said the hole is out first. She's like, how about you finish your gay little sport?

Then you come over to my room on the 15th floor and fuck the shit on me, you know? I didn't go. I was scared. But I've never had that happen. No way. That's New York. That's not the New York I live.

So next day I wake up The Norsefir gets me a spot at the audition at the seller. I've always scared. I've always scared to ask. I get that. I do Joey Diaz's podcast, which is I'm doing your guy's podcast. Let's go. This is like a good trip.

This is like a good trip. Puerto Rican girls. There was the Puerto Rican day on Sunday. I walk around. They can't call me. They call me vanilla. And I felt offended. Like, like they're scary too.

Yeah, yeah. And attitude. You didn't go and hook up with the chick on the 15th floor? I was scared. Yeah. But it was hot. It was hot. Foll was going to go check out the hotel.

What hotel, Citizen M? I'm here for the fight. After the, you know, after the, like, after UFC and, you know, it's like, I'm like a guy that if I need to do something like that, it needs to happen. Like, the ball needs to get rolling. If I. I'm not like a zero to a hundred kind of, yeah, yeah. Hey, hold on. What do you mean the ball needs to get rolling?

Like on the elevator and then, but then when we step away and I start thinking, I'm scared now. I'm scared now, a little. You're going in like cold, kind of. You're like going from like, oh, we're just going to go and do this. But if she would have been like, come get a drink, we'll hang out. She wanted to get a drink too, but I don't want to really like, I'm going to watch the fights.

Yeah, I mean, holy shit, just in case, she's reading the declarat. She's not, he's not reading, but he's looking at the declaration of independence and then walking out to fight the Spanish guy. If she would have said, hey, come on back to my room now, you would have went though? No, that she kept texted me all night, of course. No, but I mean, right there in the moment on the elevator.

No, no, then definitely not. Really, why? It's scary. You got to be... You got to hit over the head with a sack of nickels when you get in there. You got to watch. I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know. So you would... You would... But the fact... The fact that you gave me, like, verification or, like, hit on me. That's sometimes enough. I went to the hotel and jacked off alone thinking of her. That's a pretty good philosophy.

You know, sometimes that's even better. Just the fact that... Yeah. Because usually you talk to girls. I got all... I mean, like... For four hours, I got a, please, I'm a nice guy. I'm actually a sweet guy.

I'm scared, please, please, please, please. But I've never had someone reverse that on me, where I'm kind of like a, whoa, what is this? Put you on your heels a little bit. And she liked it too. She was like, I was scared. And she like stepped up to me in the elevator, like steps right up to me like, huh?

Because she knows what she got. And I was like, ah. Big Stewie face. Those are the best chicks. All of my, well, not all of my ex-go. Actually, yeah, the two last ones did it. And also they weren't the best dick sucker. There's a pat.

But they got a big laugh. There was laugh. A lot of teeth. You need to see a lot of teeth. It's a big mouth. It creates a lot of reverberation. Those are fun. You've thought about a lot of things I've never thought about.

Some girls have a little like a mouse mouth. And you know, it's going to be like, you hear girls that you can't even hear what they're saying. I hate to be a girl like that in a restaurant in New York. We get the shit table in the middle. I can't even hear you. I don't know. I'm going to get the little cell.

And a little bitch that I can hear from the bathroom. Somebody that's ruined another. Ari, what do you want? I need that. What if I fall down at the stairs and we need help, dude? Can anybody? I need a big bitch crates and echo throughout the cave. I'm sweating.

I'll not say you're at that dinner, right? Is there any dinner you're out with a lady where you're not picking up the check or you're always picking up the check. I used to not pick up the check due to financial reasons. Of course. I'm saying now to your new budding career, obviously, you'll pick up the check. I'll pick up the check because that's like what you do and it feels good. That feels good.

And also, girls are pretty. Even a pretty girl that's a con and you don't want to fuck. Give her the dinner. Just feed her. They deserve it. They're out there fucking in an alley, getting approached and seeing cock and it's scary being a girl. Sure. It's scary being a girl

You gotta get the baby You gotta do a lot of stuff as a girl And you gotta be pretty If you're not pretty I don't even look at you It's a rough life as a girl So I'll buy you dinner For all our sins

If she's pretty but she's not nice Does that that's a turn off for you? I hate that It kills you Or Kills it You kill Even a thank you

All of the girls that I've ever dated In my life Have always been sweet In the sense That if we go on holiday And I'm picking up stuff for something. They've always, and it's not that I need it.

This is, it's not that I need it. But it's just a nice, oh, a little thank you. I don't need you to be fucking. Just, just recognize that it. And then, you know, the things I do to you later at the hotel, now I say thank you. Because I'm also doing some things that shouldn't be done. You're so beautiful.

I'm a fucking, like I look like ass. I mean, like a pig. I mean, you know, I'm not like a, I'm not like a, I'm not a lady. Ladies are so much more beautiful. Very true. I like them a lot. I know, yeah.

Have you ever, what do you guys prefer? Like, pretty girl? Or let's say you're out on a night and you're having fun. You're coming back to the game and you're doing well in comedy. And you're hitting on a group of chicks. One is really pretty. A group of chicks? You don't know me.

No, no, no, no, no. You're not. I'll stop you right there. Time is a flat song. to fuck me. You're like scouting. You're scouting. Okay. And there's a pretty, pretty girl that you up front start noticing because she's the hardest one. But she's such, even the voice.

Yeah, now, then I'm out. But then there's a jolly one in the back. And she's going to incredible. At first, you're like, wow, you're ugly. She's eating wings or something. Yeah, she's got the mustache illuminating. Yeah, I can. No, no, no.

But she starts laughing. She adds a little tag. She starts to look at it. cheese in the corner. I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's burping. And she starts smelling better and better because the fairerom is liking her as a person.

Sure. You go for that girl? Yeah, I mean, honestly, it's whatever floats my boat. You know, if I'm feeling it, for sure. Like, if, whatever the physical, whatever the physical attraction is. I've banged girls so ugly. But there are such fun people to be around that are, and then you bang and you keep looking up. They're like, don't look down.

Just hear the riffs. And then you're like, dude, I was banging this one broad, maybe like, this is like three or four years ago. And I brought, I don't mean that disrespect. That sounds, she's an angel. But she was late 40s, but an angel. And she's so ugly that it's like, like when I'm kissing her, I can smell her pussy already because it's like it's bad.

But she was such a great hang. I'm going to throw up. And then I'm banging her. Keep looking up. She kept saying, I can't believe this is happening. I'm like me neither. Don't tell no, but. And then, yeah, you closed it.

And then, I think that was a Citizen M2 where I met her. And then the blinds are incredible on the iPad. And it's a full blackout. You need a full blackout for this one. But then in the morning when there's, wow, and you see her in the morning, you're like, wow, what did I do? But the attitude is what gets me. Yeah.

The way you make me personality. All that gives me anxiety. The way you make me feel is what matters. If I'm scared of you and you're like intimidating and you're trying to do this alpha chick like come on and get me. You know, like, ooh. I don't like that. You don't feel that. I like a chick that pushes me around and tells me you want to.

I'm going to suck your asshole till. Chicken's like a deuce in a quarter. You know what I mean? Yeah. And they have attitude and they're fun and you feel relaxed. Yeah. And you don't feel so bad. Yeah, that's what makes you feel good.

And then you feel like. It's not necessarily based on the the appearance. It's I feel good. And then you feel like a prize. Yeah. What's wrong with that? That's a great. That's a perfect match.

You feel pretty. I've always been with, I'm always the guy like, please, yeah, you're a dumb whore who got genetically lucky. But can I please get a piece of the bus? But like a stewy head. I'm with it. I like that. That's what gets your mojo going. I know.

It's crazy. So sometimes you see like a guy, a hot guy with an ugly girl and you're like, I know exactly what's happening. She's an amazing person. He's the funniest person. Because if you see a hot chick with an ugly guy, it's money. You see a hot. Yeah, I mean, I kind of got that going on. But she was with me before the money.

I'm out. She's hot. I'm fighting about my way. Germans are like German Shepherds, too. They're loyal. German wives and German Shepherds, they're super loyal. That's good. And they're practical.

They don't make emotional mistakes. You did a Latina girl. She might be in Spain with the girlfriends and there's Drake at the venue. What the fuck? Sounds like a personal thing. And you're screwed. You're screwed. A German girl will look at Drake and be like, ah, you know, in the longer, like if I calculate the money, you know, he's going to make me get the jet to Toronto, bang me out, and then that's done.

But this guy here, the next five years, it's looking pretty good. They got Patreon, they have Patreon, they have Patreon. She'll break it down. But once you stop making money, you're going to be in trouble. Yeah. I mean, yeah, there was a long time in the relationship she made. She had them. I was like a proper loser.

Oh, she was paying for everything. She was paying for everything. Me too. Oh, my God. She's a real loser, Ari. Not cool guys like you and me. She invested in the, she lent us the money to start the first studio. Seed money, is it called?

Really? Yeah. That's like hot when your wife's like, go do your little thing. Yeah, it was very embarrassing, dude. It was very amazing. You get a little fat friend guy to do your podcast. Oh, you're friends. I ran back to him.

I'm like, I got it. We burnt, we blew through it immediately. You're like, honey, we had Joey Diaz on. Yeah, we had Joey Diaz on. Where's the rest of my money? Yeah, we paid her back in full, obviously, once we started. Took me a minute, but whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's cool.

Payment plan, you know. Yeah, straightened out. And you're, like, dating now? No. No, not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Yeah, just to be respectful.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. He's at the Drake concert. Yeah. I mean, you don't want to go to East Village tonight where there's a lot of hookers on that one corner here to stand. I mean, you don't want to do that. Are there? That would be disrespectful.

In the middle of a divorce, who would want, like, an angel for, like, no conversation in all money? They need to borrow a couple bucks. Yeah, you do a live podcast, then you hang around near the door with the chicks walk out. Who would want that? That's, like, disrespectful to the misses. You don't want to follow through.

You don't want to do that. Do do things right. Yeah. Of course. You want to show your Patreon number to open micr girls. You want to get ahead in the business. Show your Patreon numbers.

You want to show your Patreon numbers to do an open micer? You want to show your Patreon money to an open micer that's looking for a leg up. I can get you on. I can get you on. You don't want to do that. That's disrespectful. I know. All right.

I got one question. Then we've got to wrap it up. Speaking of cash. I've interrupted all of your stories. I'm so sorry. No, it's perfect. All right. This is the show.

This is the funniest hour I've had in like four years. Do you carry a Venmo balance? Does there cash in your Venmo right now? Let's see. Do you have Venmo? My ex-girlfriend set it up for me. I need to go through the website. You have to go through the website?

You're going to Venmo.com and log it in. Oh, actually, I do have a... Wait, let's see, let's see. Let's see. Let's see. This is a good question, because motherfuckers need to pay me. What needs to pay you? Of all the Fathers.

U.S. balance, zero. So you don't use... European balance. Crypto. What the fuck. You got crypto? No, crypto balance is zero, too. This is bad, huh?

You jammed off, kid. Dude, I went to the cheese bag to draw some checks off yesterday. The lady goes, what are you doing? Because I just had money and the checking. I have random things. I don't even know. The card doesn't work. I'm bad with checks, man.

They usually would avoid it. I know, yeah. that is a that is a new when you get they you can go and sit down at the desk anytime i ever had to sit down at the desk in the bank it was bad it was not bad yeah it was like we got to talk about this we're closing your account whatever whatever you're overdrafted you're not carrying a balance they just usually want a conversation now it's more of like do you know how we can help you mr riah really yeah yeah oh well i got a micky mouse card they don't ask me.

I got a Mickey Mouse card. You know, Mickey Mouse debit card, dude? I didn't know I signed up for the child's program. So my limit is like $500 deposit. I can't even put more. You can't put more than that. Yeah, because it's a child's like thing. I didn't know, I didn't see.

They just let me, I saw Mickey Mouse when I was registering. As soon as I see Mickey Mouse, I'm in. Maybe you are a child. Yeah, yeah. So I'm like, Mickey, Mickey, Mickey. And when I call the line, like some of, there's a problem. When I call the line, it's a Mickey Mouse team song. Because it's always not.

They have to speak to your parents. Mickey Mouse Visa. It is. Yeah, it's a Mickey Mouse visa. And then when they find out what I want to do with the money, they was like, wait, what? Let me talk to your parents. And then they go like, you want the credit card or the Sapphire, you want that, you know, and I say, I'll be there tomorrow, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I started up for me. One of the funniest. Ari Maddie, ladies and gentlemen. Appreciate you coming. What do you got coming up? Oh, hit them with the dates. It's Ari Matty.com. A-R-M-A-T-I-T-I-com. I'm doing some,

a few theaters in August. Yeah. Yeah, we're trying. things are looking. Yo, I see blue dots in my dreams. You ever see like the empty seats? The blue dot fever? The blue dot fever, maybe. Blue dot Monday, let me tell you. It's been on my mental house.

Sure, it'll get you. Never check the numbers. It's about to be over for all of us, isn't it? I can feel it coming. Don't you feel it coming? There's like so many new kids. Cam is with Eddie Murphy. Cam Patterson is on Eddie Murphy now.

He's the new Eddie Murphy. Bapa, blah, this guy, this guy, he's crowdworking. Jeff Farkuri, he's selling out the next thing. Madison Square Garden, every night is Matt Rife. Every arena is Matt Rife. I think we're done, guys. I think we're doing like a dying thing. And there's Ari Maddie with a $500 Disney Visa card.

Yeah, Mickey Mouse card. Yeah, I'm at the Mickey Mouse card. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you got coming up? He just said, he plugged away. That was it? I don't know, like, the numbers, but I know it's in Dallas is one. Okay. It's one is near Detroit.

Okay, that's good. out in my career. I'm in Detroit. Ponyak, Michigan? Does that sound right? No. So, come check me out. Yeah, check them out.

Ari Maddox. I love you guys. Kippe you what do you got for him? Guys, we only have Denver Comedy Works. Those tickets are almost sold out or about to be sold out. So get them. They'll definitely go out. So get them while they last.

He loves. One of the best. The best. I got a headache I was laughing so hard. That was fucking funny. Guys, we love you so much. Ari, we love you, buddy. I'm happy about your divorce.

Thank you. Let's go. We'll see you next week. Yeah, let's not meet open micers.