Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Ari Shaffir is Back!

Episode Date: May 23, 2022

Kippy and Foley are joined by old pal Ari Shaffir! It's a fun one! Thanks for listening. Love youse guys. Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AreYouGarbage PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage https://www.Indochino.com Promo Code: GARBAGE

Welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash now here are your hosts Kevin Ryan and H Foley hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast this is our you garbage mm-hmm it's a little show we sit down with your favorite comedian we find it out to be classy yeah they're just a big old piece of trash I'm your host age fully coming at you on a beautiful day we're down here at Anthony's basement she's upstairs glued to the television watching the UFO hearings okay yes she says she

hooked up with an alien a couple years ago my co-host is coming at you from right next to me I got him that's the first time you ever got a guest I think I can imagine it I saw her she was pretty engrossed up there was just a guy from Sweden my co-host as I said at two four is the CEO the founder of are you garbage international businessman not to be trifled in the boardroom or the boudoir give it up for KJ Kevin James Ryan you got my number today big man what's up everybody thanks to and as always make sure you rate views subscribe on itunes full video valuable new tube as you know those numbers are

cooking then the greatest website of all time patreon.com slash are you garbage on if you get episodes a yg episodes hard feelings live streams and the $10,000 spin should be on there by the time this airs check it the fuck out then you read that as fast as like those disclaimers on the visor commercial I'm contractually obligated to mention the greatest website of all time patreon.com we may cause liver damage how about a nice quick shout out to our producer x short in there the fucking magic man he's the best in the biz we love him you love him give it up for t-bone Mcbuttons Toby Thomas Edward McMullen what's up

dude three of those names wrong this could be a hot one do we got one of the best in the biz baby we did I said in the intro your favorite comedian and it wasn't a mistake I said in a purpose because he's one of our absolute fucking favorites game we got him back here again family at this point been a great advocate of us he's a fucking good good man and he is gonna be in Brooklyn New York June 11th and 12th doing a little tapy wapy 11th is sold out get tickets for the 12th Ari Sheffield calm ladies and gentlemen the one the only Ari sheffield all right thank you thank you thank you for cutting up your screen

computer recorder for this I appreciate it the NSA will not know about this till it's out yeah no way yeah not getting caught I want about you know we typically ask how you're doing and stuff like that I just met him downstairs in the lobby breaking the fourth wall he tried to enter the kitchen of your mom's house and tody he tried to and he got stopped entering the building because he tried to enter without his shirt on yeah I was walking suns out guns out law the land suns out guns out who do you fucking Jeff Spicoli I'm walking by this guy wouldn't let me in I'm like wise you're gonna have a shirt on I'm like yeah that

makes sense he's like hey he's like where you going I'm like second floor he's like which which which which which office like I don't know I'm calm it's like sign in I'm like what yeah I can't ride a read you look homeless to begin with I didn't think of that yeah I have misshapen nips to the onion all you need is a hospital bracelet but I stay away from you I should have like I'm here to the president I'm not gonna hurt him or anything he was like do you believe this guy really questioning me trying to enter an office building with no clothes I almost said

something on the way I'm like see I know people when you guys came back I'm like he's with me it's alright we barely get in you kidding me that's good stuff you're a big shirt off guy sons out which they are too for all the home errors it would be in Judaism scuns out guns out yeah he's a big guns out guy this he's like you see my guns out you don't even have to look up the sun you don't have to look at the weather app this son is I got Bobby Kelly's kid doing he's always with the shirt off he's like told me yeah has there been any place that you have decided to leave because

they would not let you keep your guns I got thrown out of key foods once that's bad the lowest level supermarket who gets thrown out of the key foods yeah I've seen goats in there what the fuck man I was getting set for barbie July 4th barbecue and I was in there was like sons were all I mean you know guns were out and I went in I was I think I was with Gomez Lewis Gomez Lewis no middle end Gomez and I went in eventually the guy was like sir no it wasn't even like you have to it was like obviously not it's not America anymore like and city fields I got told to put my shirt on I was like I know baseball game how long

has this been a rule and he goes I've worked here since 74 it's always been a rule it's not NASCAR yeah but like back in the day I feel like that was a prop more of a thing well when there was riots at Yankee Stadium yeah they were a little loose people smoking cigs in the stands and fucking family's here now trying to sell corporate tickets I went to a city now Khamiski not Khamiski family no no the one in Chicago the real team in Chicago the White Sox no the other one the cubbies and I was I asked the guy we're sitting the bleachers I was like hey I can't take my shirt off here right he goes why would you not be

able to take your shirt off like fucking what here we go got him up any Mets they're better than us and we can get our balls out out here right what's the deal which you used to do a lot as well you were balls out guys yeah we had this thing we do the comedy store called cockings where you would get these nuts yeah you get a distractor someone distractor so like so you'd come at each be like hey what's Toby shirt you go over there look at his shirt I rest them on your yeah and so you got a bad bag too you went you went oh it's a bad man I can reach up I can reach up the word on the street it's a tough hang a

grocery yes I got a bad sack too oh yeah big balls low hangers low hangers not good you got uneven yeah that's where yeah I'm a you hit the water in the toilet bowl sometimes on the public toilet it's shallow ones yeah you got a hole now I know you gotta hold them up yeah like a Christian hurt himself for peasants yeah that's bad when you get the water touches like when the water is warm that worries me more when it's cold for some reason sometimes public totes the water is warm drink it out of it yeah it's like a fucking dolphin sonar yeah it's just everything you want to know it's

like a super computer speaking of bath we have it we've talked we haven't talked about us in a while I don't think we ever talked about it with you how do you if you're you know if you're taking a dump in public yeah which I feel like you don't have any qualms with you'll go anywhere for the most part dude I was on I don't want to say whose name because they don't seem uppity but I was on a private jet with a comedian doesn't want people knowing he takes private jets which is what was it I should do but anyway I was like so you just go to the bathroom like the door open like I mean you could and I'm like I just waited

till takeoff oh shit with the door open back defecation on a plane man that's living were you invited back I was not yeah dude I was spending my if I was spending private jet money and you shit in there with the whole cabin I hope I don't know you shit on a normal plane and I have done it twice ever really it's so awful it's not great and so I'm shitting I take a while you know I got my shirt off the usual deal this fucking stewardess comes in tells me I can't have my shirt off knocking the door six seven minutes in whatever normal time I was going as fast as I could knocking the door I was like I'm in here like I'm

in here click open she fucking went I was like hey what the fuck I lost it and she's like why I thought the door was locked for so long I was like I'm taking a dump and I got out what was it she was in there a long time like yeah dumps take a while couple knocks before you just open it to the world a couple I could have been fucking in here it's so embarrassing this is a flight attendant did this yeah how long was the flight I couldn't wait I couldn't wait but how do you clean a public toilet seat oh before him yeah I get my plunger yeah yeah cleaning these job I don't know today full wipe down on the are we

talking about the break the break in the toilet in the middle no no no you know there is no all the way around you don't go like this goes like that you stops in the middle stops in the middle you touch that no take a I wipe that because there's typically a lot of pee on that I don't want someone else's pee on my way so you got what the top of that which I'll lift up go under a little bit wipe the inside you had balls and dick might touch at least inside the front and then the toll different one hole with water whole seat where do you get the water sick smart follow why you give him your rundown real quick I do something

similar well document on this broadcast I do something similar but I get the water from I from the toilet come on dude no no shit a couple of times and then just dab a little bit of water and give it a bowl yeah man there's a like fucking shit in there as soon as it comes in it's touched so it's instantly it's instantly wrong again the water is the water in your bathroom at home has also touched a million different people's buttholes I don't use that water to you actually what you actually we're using that water sink is right there oh I apologize I'd rather I'll spit on it like I get if a public since it's not

right there if you're in a stall yeah yeah yeah spit on it wipe it down like you're fucking in prison yeah I respect that more than toilet bowl water or dry before toilet water you're re-infecting it now I need to wipe it down again I assume that water is clean oh you're crazy that's the wrong assumption if I wipe it down and I throw you throw that thing in the toilet if the of a drop comes back out like rewrites are over the whole thing again gotta do the whole thing again all right I'm working on it I'll try it I don't believe you throw a graphic in there that made me think of something have you ever been

thrown out of anywhere of a bathroom no no just in general well key foods the key food other than that without the shirt it's a good question let me cost out of a restaurant have you guys a bars in my drinking day like you know young 20 yeah drink it too much you ever just try to do 21 drinks for 21st birthday yeah no one makes it yeah blacked out more specifically have you ever been banned for life from somewhere that's pretty good you got real banned for life face I shoplift a lot and I really like principles to shop a lot yeah oh yeah so I'm worried that one day I'm gonna walk into a whole footage of 7-11 with the

picture of like this is a thief and I'm like turn around nope good-looking guy yeah my friends and on it where they were like they were like she was young but like they were like hey you stole you forgot to pay for some of your things last time she was oh my god I'm so sorry it's a mistake I was just holding I realized like we've seen you do it eight times yeah that's it back when was the last time you stole definitely this week I don't know this week for sure I was constantly what'd you steal little things I don't even know it happens so much it's like it's like children what are we talking about groceries you just go in

and take something to walk out where you withhold as you pay for the rest as you withhold that's an easy one anytime you see anything like if I'm if I'm made a sporting good story I'm tossing around football I see if I won't toss it around and then I realized like hey no one's even looking at me right now you know it's out of the golf club and I could go for a Hail Mary at the front door no because you're like that if you're not trying to hide it if you're just like this yeah like whatever and then if they if they catch you on the way out go oh my god I didn't realize I was in the fucking because clearly I would have tried

to hide it and they're like I saw I was walking around with like yeah yeah yeah please put that surfboard back right right right it's in a full wetsuit well give me an idea a little I won't steal from mom pops yeah that yeah okay yeah foods I'm sure you fucking go ham in there yeah for sure unless it's the one I have to go back to a lot and then I'm like this can be embarrassing I really affect my life you're not sliding meat down like the front of your shirt or anything like that are you don't like salmon the other day why you stole salmon yeah nice raw salmon $30 cooked it up fresh tastes better we're gonna

spice on it what where'd you put it underneath you self-check and I put it on anything I just put it to the side so did you go to the guy at the airport constantly airport that's a big comic thing comics all which I don't know how you do that do you want to jam pillow you put it on the they're not looking it's they're not gonna die for you this isn't their product they're working there on your roller bag you put it on the shop around for the stuff by some nuts out of there or don't buy the nuts you got a scope do the nuts if they're not sure don't sure the salmon did you walk up

to the guy at the seafood counter and say hey give me a give me a pound of this really you stole it ah man you did that to the seafood guy it's not it's I thought whole foods was the what time are the discount whole yeah give me the whole discount you got the money wild caught what if you got freshly stolen can't let's talk about Indochino Indochino Indochino Indochino Indochino I'm sure throughout your history you've been in some situations where you showed up dressed like a bozo most of the time I've dressed like a bozo because I don't know what to buy where to buy it what to wear we talk about that on the show all the time

well how would you like to have a place where you could get nice blazers custom shirts custom suits the whole nine yards so that way when you show up to your cousin's christening or your nephew's wedding you don't look a complete loser sure but I feel great confident enjoyed a big day without clothes I think I would over there at Indochino let's go they sent us some clothes I call my fancy clothes I walk around strutting my stuff sometimes shirt on sometimes shirt off maybe just the pants I got a nice tie that I enjoy show off the derriere um it's fantastic guys it takes the guesswork out all this stuff listen everybody listens most of us are bozos we don't know what we're doing

if you got something coming up to summer a wedding or whatever you don't gotta think about it peep out Indochino it'll square you up bout a bang bout a boom have you looking like I don't know a bajillion dollars there you go every suit is made to your exact measurements you can customize every detail create a suit that fits uh you your style perfectly with options for fabrics lapel shape custom monogram statement linings and more big statement line go big lapels are coming back yeah real peshy style yeah um the best part Indochino suits start at just $4.99 and shirts at $79 Indochino also offers completely custom fitted shirts casual wear and more get a wardrobe personalized your style without spending a fortune if you got a big day coming

up getting the perfect look is no big deal with Indochino get $50 off any purchase of $3.99 or more that's cold hard cash we're talking about over here not percentages $50 off any purchase of $3.99 or more using promo code garbage at Indochino dot com that's $50 off a purchase of $3.99 at indochino dot com promo code garbage all back to the show Indochino yeah create diversions how was it i was at october fest i won one of those big beer signs and they have people that's obviously what you're gonna steal so they have people like no no no i mean my brother would just there like we want these fucking beer signs so we threw a pipe bomb in the parking lot hold on manta is a medic and got the fuck out of yeah um and then it was um yeah there was a

fight broke out this coulda guards were like down on out and just fucking take off jesus yeah it's wild what do you got caught right it's on tmz arisha fear caught stealing halibut that would be an improvement from the last time it was on tmz yeah yeah yeah true true it'd be cooler moving in a petty crime okay i've told it down yeah this week you're stealing i'm sure it's like it's a non-stop thing never been caught huh not since i was like in high school or something and even then my sister interrupted this she got the phone call hey uh your your son stole from she was like i will talk to oh i'm like no i didn't i tried to deny it she goes you didn't steal a pair of sunglasses i was like no she goes i think i just guessed that you're wearing you're wearing them yeah with a tag still on it

where'd you get those oakleys arie sit back like this i don't know what you're talking about that's thank cool that's a good sister though have you ever ran out on a check from a restaurant no i've wanted to but no it's always like it's a it's a jet you're like dying to it but no way yeah yeah i can't do that can't do that yeah they will track you down yeah that's happened to me that happened to me on st patrick's day also but really and i fucking tracked the guy ran out fucking ran down the street i went the other way dropped everything i was like i don't give a fuck i'm going at this guy you're uninvolved huh it's not your restaurant no he was work you were i was waiting tables yeah i wasn't just

trying to be he wasn't this same patty's day yeah i was like damn dude you really getting one of my cats in america hold on man get my ass kicked does it come out of your check when somebody bails on a check that's what he always has a rumor it could but it's not even that it's the fucking i don't want to be fucking doing this anyway you think you're fucking better than me you're acting like a fucking dickhead then you fucking run out on me because it happened to me years before this it was like the the the nolan ryan incident the fucking somebody charged the mound on me years before that i ran after them they're like no we left it on the counter and i went back and it wasn't there and i fucking oh you fell for that fell for it why who runs out

of a restaurant after they paid the bill i was new in the industry i don't know what to tell you sellers like we pay is like where's your stamp in your stamp yeah but this guy i wasn't letting go he wore it he was wearing a kilt too and i fucking i i closed my car like no you didn't i saw you then you're like it's so embarrassing i saw a guy shoplifting from a fucking mom and papa odaiga i was coming and i go there all the time and i was coming in they grabbed this guy he's like let go of me whatever well dressed like not poor you know like middle-class guy 28 30 something like that and he's like i didn't say and they tried commiserating with me he's like and he goes i have these you don't even sell this big back at m&m's like what about the doritos what about the

whatever yeah and he starts commiserating with me he's like that just accused me for no reason i was like hey man there's zero chance that you're just gonna accuse a random person of shoplifting yeah it's like just give it back and he goes i need to steal anything i'm like hey man you got caught i get it but once you got it right now don't say anything now he opens up his jacket you're gonna blow for both of us man yeah but it's like if you get caught and you still do it that's that's the same as just shoving them over and taking a shoplifting is a quiet crime sure you're caught you should be embarrassed and say i'm so sorry and walk out and never show your face again you don't say i didn't do it you're caught have some respect for the game respect there's a code shoplifters

but he's just like you just not as good you that could be you getting jacked up by some mom and pop we talked about it she's like we see the fucking you go around the corner we see you hanging out there with his only apples for fucking 10 minutes and come back we're watching you did you ever see that guy they got big on youtube and like instagram and stuff the guy the gas station guy fucking love him he's it's like a young kid i don't even know if his family is like owns the since i think they're in cleveland and he people come in and steal fucking everything and dude he's got and he's like a master in behavior yeah oh dude he fuck and then he he dubs it over it's fantastic don't look up at the camera they're hanging out here they're moving around there they'll come up

and pay and they'll be like i do you want to get those skittles out of your pocket and like what the fuck i brought these or whatever he bought them cold it's great i steal so much you know how they say like if you cheat on your wife or girlfriend or boyfriend or husband then then um you start thinking they're cheating you know that's like a standard so now whenever i go into a store with like an open water or something like that i'd be like hey before i go i bought i already have this and like yeah whatever i'm like no no not whatever yeah i would think i told you sure of course i i think i just stole this from the store down the street yeah it's mine now though it's mine i thought you'd make you thought people were stealing from you oh whole food's broken in my house

where is that produce here the fucking fish guy came back and seafood guy's looking for me beautiful all right let's give this some cues some patreon questions game cues for mr sheffir peaches the page 11 june the homies brooklyn new york june 11 to a brooklyn there guys come out you live in new york area come out see the guys grand let's go special and it's my best one yeah oh yeah it's the one i worked on the hardest i didn't have any like storytelling show editing distracting me it was just like why would happen to that guys we're having fun having a good time it would have been great if you would have knocked it out oh my god if i just lost it

hey the clip alone on air steals the Pringles and leaves what the fuck yeah that's right like did you ever steal toys or anything like that when you were a kid from your other friends kid oh when i was yeah i did steal these kids stole my nephew's playstation uh i can't fight back they're weak they think i'm an adult so it's like doesn't make sense to them i'm like that i'm out the door um uncle larry have you seen our dog no i've not yeah i stole a baseball car from this guy george brett rookie car i still feel bad about it sort of still have the car i still have it at my parents house now i don't know long gone but i should go back and get it and just give it back to him now that the bottom is dropped out of the market now that it's worthless you can have it

was like 75 bucks back then and then it went up like 200 now it's probably like 80 cents i'm like oh hey man i'm making it up that's fucking yeah give him a coin as you know when you sign up for the patreon get your questions read on the air now if you don't want to sign up you just go over to patreon.com and then you enter from there's a search bar and put r u garbage three words that'll bring up the most important patreon podcast of all time obama had a patreon podcast that he did with donald trump for a while that was less important than this yes that's right didn't obama have a podcast he did they spot if i didn't renew it they were like too boring billy joel haven't billy joel no brish springsteen it might have been springsteen it might have been he had one

with a famous guy i was gary bucey i think shout out to the abuse obama and bucey uh good shit all right let's lock into some cues here let's do it yeah it was bruce fucking brinkstein wow really yeah what did they talk about yeah what did they talk about i heard you like doing drone strikes i was operating a strike my ptsd for my dad shout out to the boss we're not being disrespectful you ever been to new jersey if you ever had him on here you should ask him like when's the last time you were actually in new jersey like next question i'm out he just got you just got arrested for drinking and driving didn't nice dude so bring it in jersey didn't you're matching the fucking true how much how fucked up you gotta be to get pulled over by a state trooper in jersey

yeah it's like a standard here yeah that guy's getting ostracized at the fucking troop i could tell you that can't be trusted you're bringing you're bringing in the fucking boss yeah what that's the boss are you kidding me i sign your paycheck mother fuckers i'm gonna ask you i'm not gonna ask you have you ever i'm gonna because it's obvious i'm gonna ask you when's the last time you drove drunk boom boom boom high school maybe once and i regretted it to this day never once because i never got my license loophole fair loophole that's a good jew loophole we'll cover that and more and aria heard jew taping uh june 12th and june 11th roulette brooklyn uh yeah hang our guys some more water please uh maybe a splash of vodka in there um i haven't drove drunk in a while

i really as a young as a youngster a lot too much um he's talking 12 13 to the point where i like as i got older and you mature more you don't realize you think you're unstoppable yeah exactly and uh probably early 20s was probably the last time i really got became a pussy i got like really scared of it i'm like no i was just like i've made it this i'm like this is my friend started getting duis and stuff like that that is a nightmare my dad instilled that sent us very very hard but do you i'd never fucking do that right yeah he's like you ever get a fucking dui i'll beat the shit at nine not so much uh you got one no i never got one but i'm just saying we we also we won't get young fellas out there that will do the fuck up don't

do it it's like 15 grand to call shit and then if you get a second one you're that's it you can't drive you know how much that fucks your life or less in new york than other places but like my dad never said it because it was like assumed like what yeah what are you what are you plus everybody in the circle knows about it moms are talking about paper for fucking crying out you become the fucking bozo we don't do it my buddy did get my buddy had two and uh he had to have the breathalyzer installed and wow wow it started up to start it up and then every like 15 minutes you had to blow into it as well it just like that's on the road that's on the road at all times yeah it's quite it's crazy in the burbs it's wild you would think cops would just sit outside bars

and just snag people left and right yeah i think in beach towns they're just like yeah it happens yeah it's a little yeah um it's what they make their money though yeah but like off season and like shelter island you know they're like it's your locals yeah i assume i don't know we're shelter island just like deep deep long island like oh i know we're shelter island yeah but it's like the locals a lot once the the tour is talking about shutter island i was like that mental institution i guess you know lean under the capio yeah shelter island's different it's all locals and yeah yeah it's a good vibes that's a key west i imagine everybody just like you just assume everybody's got a couple in them it's like don't

push it yeah yeah a couple in them it's like the normal stance but like couple in them was the 80s and 90s that's what i started saying buzz driving is drunk driving remember that campaign that came out big but then you're like but then what's drunk driving then what if i'm drunk then what is that is that buzz driving no it's different shut up it's different all these campaigns they're like don't tell the whole fucking story if you don't tell everybody the whole story then it's like it's like these condom or baby like or pull out and throw them on our fucking tits and not have a baby don't don't act like that's not an option getting the campaign slow yeah this guy's nuts yeah it's it's uh it's uh put your shirt back on the sixth trainer six feet under like no no

it's the likelihood goes up but come on sure sure sure anyway don't drive drunk don't drive drunk kids yes don't make sure you don't have your shirt on all right dude we're going through a what's it called checkpoint a DUI checkpoint no no no no a toll a toll jersey toll or whatever and we're we're coming back from woodstock adopted there and we're you know you get the ticket and you have to give it back to them this is pre-covid you have to give it back to them i see how far you went then that's how much they charge you and so we went we're like where's that ticket we're like we can't find it and you never got out of your car we just can't find the lady's like all right i'm like i'm sorry miss i can't find the ticket she goes but you got it like a few

exits i know i know and she's like where you're coming from and we're just like both stoned out of our minds and she's like where you're coming from we're like woodstock and she's like i believe you smoke billing out of the window i can't be cool man be cool man i'm pulled over i can't pull over any farther uh mr shaffer that's funny as shit all right guys some questions um this is from will have you or anyone in your family called it a laptop instead of laptop i 90 of the time i say laptop no yeah i just say like laboratory yeah i assumed back in the day i assumed it's what scientists use to do their research i mean a laptop laptop like why are they called top it's on top of the lat like you're in the lab it's on top of the i don't know man i'm clearly

wrong it's a it'd be lab desktop sure no it would be lab top well how would it go would you do on the roof conversation i've ever had no you're right yeah it'd be lab tech or lab computer if you're if it's about a lab yeah it wouldn't be on top of the lab he's right yeah like you're doing on the roof the top negates the lab but not the lap yeah i didn't put a lot of thought in conclusion you're stupid oh yeah for sure i've never called that no laptop laptop yeah my mom once said i was like upstairs she was using a computer for early and i was just like where's that file like it's in the desktop you know i already know it's going through i'm looking at where it's nowhere i'm like it's right there there's nothing on your you're so neat six things on there so i could buy

a stapler i'm like oh Jesus let me help you my mother refers to our laptop our tablet no matter what it is she calls it the ipad sure she'll call she'll call the she'll she'll say go get the ipad i'm like you don't have an ipad just anything in the the laptop she calls it an ipad oh i can see another brand of of tablet calling it an ipad but no no that's all shut that's the technology she knows and that's the technology she calls it i think that was the first all your garbage question that i passed three or three episodes yeah so i know what i did just see that was kind of was you were the first one the clip came it was somebody tagged us in the clip as you were used to microwave eggs yeah that's what i always talk about that's wild man not used to no no

i had done it it wasn't like that was my thing for a period of time whether it was once or twice you did it all right so but don't say you used to do it you have you once did it is different than you used to do it do you steal the eggs too you ever steal eggs that's too cheap that's what you pay for yeah that's like a dollar that's the loss leader hey i'm only getting a dozen yeah yeah twelve filets in here or you try to open up one that's a good i open up one in between the like the right in between put another egg close it up oh my who's stealing one egg yeah it's for ten cents what are you doing why would you risk that when you go buy eggs what are you buying carton eggs and two tubes you're buying like just the cheapo ones a $1.99 you know anymore because

i spent a month in um an Edinburgh a few times but you guys should do at some point uh it's a comedians fucking write a passage and the eggs there it's so natural the yolks are this orange just deep orange love that i mean they're not refrigerated yeah they don't they they don't wash them off so they just my my roommates would leave them on top like hey they're gonna go bad like what do you mean why would eggs go bad that's the first time you see that it blows your fucking mind it's because they don't treat them with something they don't sprout we spray ours with something they don't wash off the one of my door sound idiot i was like that was a good shuffle yeah um yeah and we wash ours off because they look better but then they they have to get

refrigerated yeah we spray them with some chemical that then they have to be refrigerated they bleach them yeah the bleach eggs to sell sell better so now you go for the fancy ones yeah so i'll go for organic or like farm raised because i'm like why are these yellow it doesn't make sound orange and like i look into it and i just felt healthier eating them they're cleaner they feel cleaner it costs a little more they cost like 50 cents an egg instead of like 10 cents an egg but like that's 50 cents an egg i thought the food in scotland everybody stayed away from i wouldn't trust the haggis haggis that's like a pig's asshole or something right dude i ate shit it's it's you don't want to bury it in the ground it's like isn't it crazy you'll bake it in the head

it's it's try it's like it's like intestine they shove full of like uh it's delicious it's delicious it's so good i went into it like a lot of foods i'll go into try like i'll try this so i can say i had it i'm not going to enjoy it those undeveloped eggs in uh like cambodia and um in the philippines you know that little baby fetus egg shout out balut really yeah and i'm like i'm gonna hate this and i did it's not it's whatever but there's some things oh yeah dude fetus the bones aren't even congealed yet so like yeah so it's like it's like the the texture of like dude stop stop we get it stop explaining it that's what i want it's like it's like this one right here pulls one out when you slurp up that beak oh that beak is the texture of a human nose that's

what i'm looking for yeah how's the nose tonight yikes have you ever eaten dog uh i think by accident once oh i was in uh he's team warren and uh and somebody told me i was like what is what's what kind of meat is this they have these wall rooms it's like it's like it's kind of like a pizza well you could like point to the difference like one with that slice and it's like that with different meats like what is that and like duck i'm like duck like no duck like i mean you know where it's going sure then i'm like and they call rw sometimes too and then eventually i was like oh and i probably would have had it if it wasn't like left out you know just like sitting yeah just sitting i'm like that's not the way i'm gonna have dog but then another thing i was like soup and

they were like it's all the meats and i'm like i had probably dog was in there oh and you're a dog owner i mean it was before i was a dog owner i still have it you gotta try it never this guy's nuts dog eat never i would have to be pretty drunk and driving but i think i could do it i would kill everybody in that restaurant why i've eaten dog you're a cow brain no there was a place called animal and melrose and i think it was melrose no it was one of those up and down streets connect with the melrose and they had yeah how about a turkey sandwich did you grab a slice of pizza don't you aren't you interested when you had some weirdo uh food we were like i gotta try that dog it came the dog yeah but you're looking at it the way you know

they don't look at the dog that way they don't look at it yeah apparently there's a i know a travel writer you act like we're gonna go home and eat your dog right now that's how you're acting touch my dog daisy run don't trust this man with no shirt on i don't have a craving for any dog but a vampire hey dude you sicko like a former fucking pedophile around your kids i'm fucking not allowed with a 50p of any dog park i can't even walk into a pet house gerbil oh i had guinea pig and an Ecuador oh and i had that that's the dirtiest of the animal it's so good oh dude it's so good you might as well make cigarettes guinea pig did we get a bomb asking for a cigarette like no and then he stands there

watching and you're like oh and then you know he just wants to smoke the end of your butt but you already said no so now you gotta smoke it down to the fucking filter hey sorry yeah um yeah that was better hog is just delicious what the fuck i don't smoke it down to the field i shouldn't just give it to him like i don't have to touch i don't want any yeah i will leave it here i'll do that i'll leave it here wait 10 seconds if i'm walking the streets i'm smoking a joint i'll pass a homeless guy and i'm i'm almost done because i know that's their dream then i'll like i'll walk by and i'll just like as i go i just like put it on the ground and let him see me and then he's like stay stay stay release yeah now if you'll excuse me my gerbil's ready yeah i think

i did at chicago i was he was like yeah my gerbil's ready i got my appetite chicago you had it no no no just that joint where he's like oh that smells good i was like yeah i must have missed that part of town yeah in the mountains of equator they have it and it's so fucking good but they leave the fucking mouth or you want to insert a fucking photo i'll show you a photo there with the little teeth yeah the teeth they're in there it's like smiling like this oh i like they're smiling yeah yeah they have spit roast them on some it takes like a while you gotta call it ahead sometimes for the really good restaurants it's like 30 40 bucks too it's like expensive there that's like

something from star wars man that's fucking it's so good it's a sustainable ask the dude who fucking killed himself because that dated that actress who who the guy who killed himself because he because he didn't know how fucking terrible all actresses are the cook guy who went traveling ordain yeah he he went there and he was like this is sustainable meat it's it's it's good for you it's it's so easy to raise i was wondering how he gets from gerbil's the 14 yeah have you ever had to kill anything yourself and eat it in your travels fish only but no just fish yeah me and bobby kelly caught a fresh one at fucking pound it immediately fried it up that's fresh water it was fucking good what kind of fish trout i don't know who who who killed it you were bobby bobby

he sliced it open man's man he's a man he's a man could you do that could you slice those want to fish yeah but getting all the okay i'd rather not let a guy do it plus he's not going to be around much longer would you kill gerbil and eat it i've made me crush it over the head and uh because the good thing was i'd already eaten the gerbil and then we went to um the um a crater line and they have like real displays about all their cultures from the amazon to the mountain so all the different indigenous people there and they have a display about gerbils and they had gerbils there my dog was like what the fuck but like once you see the cuteness of it i'm like i'm glad i'd already eat these yeah i don't think i could do it they're so cute

fuck that dude they're responsible for the black plague eat them all man eat them all gerbils yeah was gerbils really not rats people have that many gerbils his pets back then i guess i'm probably right i don't know maybe haggis was delicious that's another one i went into thinking this is gonna be shitty but i have to try it it was so good late night fried up that is the thing when you do go somewhere else and if it's like late night you got a couple in you and it's like fried up you're not like there and like they're hitting through like oh this is pig intestine it's just like a chunk of something you gotta have some hamster it's been deep right what are you gonna do let me get a side of a peanut or

yeah i that's that's typically when i get more uh yeah for adventurous yeah what about pear oh dude so i saw uh i got indy's team where i saw a guy who stayed in this cool lodge by the whatever um just traveling on a moped and i walked by this guys just looking up in the woods and i'm like uh what are you doing and he goes um hunting parakeets i was like what why he goes yeah to eat parakeets i was like because he had this air gun i was like no way have you gotten one and he just lifted up his shirt he had six dead parakeets hanging on his belt yeah damn push that's wild it's wild but also like i get if you're used to it i don't know was he a local yeah i'm gonna sound like he was from brooklyn yeah

i'm just shooting these fucking birds you think i'm doing that cat i'm hunting two can now shut up if somebody's serving you like they're like hey you're on a nice dinner a guest you're in some foreign place and they're saying we're serving you parakeet you're eating it oh yeah parakeet i'm gonna probably that's a bird that's a chicken to me anything i'm saying what they serve you monkey you're eating that i know i listen i know my logic is flawed in this all animals are adorable we shouldn't be eating animals etc etc but there's just somewhere i can't do it i could eat most animals i couldn't eat a koala i couldn't do that i could do it also i'm saying it's on a burger maybe pick yourself up like the local like mayor's house and just a nice

dinner and they serve you all these things like what is that like and it's that it's koala you're gonna not eat it and his fucking face what am i trying to what am i trying to get out of the mayor am i trying to buy some land nothing just heard you were traveling podcasters and patreon people patreon.com didn't i would say no unless i was looking for him to play ball with something you say no yeah but i just wouldn't eat it so this is a big insult to my country that's the other thing you want you do want to please everybody if it's there you're gonna go no thanks that's the main court and i'll say i had dog for lunch all right that's what i'm saying i'm all had about six hamsters earlier today and you should try it i had mice for breakfast i'm sorry sir i don't

mean it would insult you get the ad here yeah depends if i was trying to get them to buy arms or something like that if i was doing something something shady for a company a no bid contract yeah do what i had you gotta play yeah yeah yeah if you need something what about bugs crickets and like they serve that in mexico all over i had them in uh columbia in bogota i had ants ants and they taste like lemon yeah they do that noma i couldn't eat an ant right they they were placed lemons with them it's like it's literally like biting into a lemon like it's like pure lemon zest it's they were again i was pretty banged up and i was like is this ants on the steak he's like yeah and then as a joke they brought out like a bowl of them and i just started you're wiping them off

kind of fucking joint instance i got a bottle i got a bottle of raid jesus what kind of waiting you got here i'm gonna um i'm gonna show you a video then ants are too cute i couldn't eat an ant too cute too cute what the fuck is an exoskeleton step on them at no time i i can't kill 15 ants today on the way here no i didn't i don't kill bugs at all that's why when you killed that spider in chicago i was very upset it was me or him and i ain't leaving i like breathing he was a mean looking dude yeah that's one thing we don't need we didn't need in the green room there's a big spider i gotta show you guys the maybe the worst one spider you ate man i a caterpillar this is also an equator caterpillar a roach eat a roach did you eat

a fucking tarantula do you eat a tarantula dude snake i've seen tarantula in cambodia and some of the items they're popped open rattlers this was the fucking this is not it but this is um what's it called will be caught a piranha piranha you ate a piranha see that i would eat that's real meta yeah you eat a piranha and is that true about piranhas does that really happen if you fall in yeah they rip you apart yeah in a swarm uh i don't think so they're not that aggressive i don't think so i it's i think that's the movie version of it yeah they're not a myth yeah don't get you t-bone give me a couple of things over there uh this says in truth it is the piranhas that are routinely eaten by people that's crazy you can't eat fish with teeth like that yeah only

if i would it's like kissing your grandpa wait why i don't know you never kissed your grandpa you never kissed your grandpa dentures i don't know uh they they attack a lot of people in the amazon basin but they don't generally kill them but they will bite the shit out of you it'll jam you out yeah they've killed like they've killed a handful of people so those are grubs what's a grub grub is like a beetle larva that's wait the black things on the stick what are the black things hanging is that the coals that's his head oh they're alive they're alive and they cook them just a little salt and pepper that has to be oh that's like a fat caterpillar it's like a fat caterpillar it's like you're

eating a disney character that's fucked up no way dude oh i can feel oh look he's still got his head sticking out oh you're a fucking psycho dude damn dude yeah was it good the first one was not good but i was like but it had been on the grill for a bit and this one this one i'm like right into it too tender and then i had to get oh so this is how they're just like in there oh they just pull them out of like the trash can oh that's like larva oh the way they move they like shoot like liquid you know what i mean like they like it's like fuck and then i was like i gotta try this again so i did it in one of these like other towns but archadonna where they really pride themselves on food and it was like this was good

it was like how'd you do it little salt and pepper touch of oil and then just like wriggling and then they wriggle faster and then wriggle slower and stop it's not what you put on it's what they eat larvis fed very well yeah one time i had some shells and cheese on mushrooms i thought were bugs that kind of freaked me out what shells and cheese mac and cheese oh shells and cheese damn all right yeah well welcome back to are you gross arry is for sure all right let's see this is uh this is from kiefer if you're cooking a frozen pizza like personal size or any size i guess i'm a celeste so we're talking about the giorno what are we talking about what do you do what do you do well in the poor comedy days it was mama celeste

yeah 99 cents yeah i don't know how many mosquitoes do you like on your what's the grub selection at a key foods share put your shirt on okay let's picture mama celeste okay mama celeste okay very trashy by the way but she's good that was good poverty stricken she's good it was good it was it got you by they're all fucking good they're all great the totino's ones the party pizzas totino's pizza rolls of course yeah bagel bites or pizza rolls why did i say that weird bagel bites or pizza rolls yeah pizza rolls back then i get bigger bites too totino's got me through poverty yeah that and peanut butter jelly and just plain pasta do you have anything like that in your refrigerator

right now do you have anything like that no i would never go back to that if i had i mean you what's in your fridge you can't go that in new york you can find pizza sure at 4 30 a.m you can find good pizza so there's no reason for it back then in LA what is in your fridge um coffee some a fridge leftovers okay nothing so in your freezer there's not like some takeout from totino's or no nothing like that do you have them i used to have those corn dogs were really good those microwaved corn dogs okay all right no what no you're a corn dog right now we're separating that was real hillbilly shit when i was growing up corn dogs are great i think i've ever had that's fair food for sure yeah but i never got fair if it's like you know this guy's

eating boogers what are you talking about he's eating fucking bugs i'd be happy to see a thing i wish you the whole thing was corn dogs and i walked into the town uh oh bad you're gonna aries for dinner like the temple of doom we're doing arby's commercial make it aries and just have all the bucket aries where's the bugs yeah we got the bug we got the bugs i can hear big rames doing the fucking we got the bug damn um okay what's so what's your do you have a frozen pizza now or no no i would be on the road so you know sometimes they have those little like kias at the bottom of the hotel they get you through they get you out of a pinch man they are deadly because they got those jimmy deans breakfast sandwiches that heat up just right

microwave they got the noodles and then they got the the the thick um soup the chunky chunky soup and they got the pizzas and they got microwave pot they got i'll come back from gorging myself at a diner and then you pass by like wow let me just snickers or something yeah seven bags of gummies i know because you go i'm like oh i'm gonna need a water for the night or whatever so you stop and get the water then you're there and you're like and you also there's no cash transaction you're like put it on 403 put it on the room from them right gotta steal from them i don't i come out if they're not looking i'll just go but yeah you're staying there all weekend what are they gonna do oh man fight me that's really like you gotta fight linda the fucking reception at the holiday

in express she's like sir you didn't pay for that he's like i'm ready so how do you cut how would you cut the the pizza is this the question yes okay um you take it out god bless you um so a lot of them this the question is rooted in a lot of them come with the cardboard circle yeah you just put it well you put it back on that and cut it and then take your serving so or will you just put it on a plate cut it and take the whole thing yourself i remember being able to afford eventually afford a pizza cutter i want so bad yeah it's they're not that much but it's you know poverty days you just like yeah you just take a sharp knife you just cut it and then you cut the the board to yeah you know it'll cut through yeah that's how would you ever

put it on a cutting board itself no way yeah that's crazy i didn't have a cutting board for the longest time cutting boards are pain in the ass to clean too yeah i do it right on cutting boards are painted they could seep in or some of the wooden ones out of here with that shit get out of here with that folks you having trouble with bug guts on your cutting board try you if you want to see me go back into poverty come see me sink every dollar i have into arish if you're jew taping jew 12th and 11th and self-produced yeah self-produced look at that the last three has done that right oh yeah you do it that way that you sell it afterwards he knows what he's doing he has real hollywood over here what's going on what's going to his head

oh the cockroaches i can eat yeah you save money on cockroaches put that savings right into your specials would you ever grab a cockroach from your apartment a pop it in your mouth and eat it fuck you you think i live in a place with cockroaches you're crazy dude that's a double insult double insult toby's got something dude a girl was walking out of my building today after just meeting with the with the with the booker the broker she's walking down the street and i walk past her and i was like do not move to that building there's bed bugs and roaches and it's the first time i felt like i doled out new york justice dude wait how'd you know because i had bed bugs and roaches dude nice well it was a while ago he doesn't have them anymore

yeah yeah that's great you gotta tell them but you can't tell them in front of that person because then they'll be like we're raising your rent next time yeah oh yeah i'm moving out and i'm literally moving out tomorrow oh great oh yeah don't you have a any sort of like fantasy of like fucking over your former buildings like going there with a picket sign and be like the the thermostat makes noise in the winter they won't tell you they won't fix it yeah former buildings former bosses the whole nine yeah they'll raise your rent 15 which is what i'm going through now these fucking 15 15 more than that i'm like i know but i'd live here how long you've been in this spot one year and i'm like come on man i live here you've never run to this like looks rent rents her sky high

right now and i'm like i can't find my ticket man just be cool man somewhere yeah i was wearing tie-dye also you got the star glasses on you're like jenny for far as gone oh yeah i just want to go in yeah i had it yeah i never really had any bad uh landlords or anything bad bosses or whatever but i would just end up quitting those jobs you're like i'm fucking i'm fucking out of here i remember they had me train somebody at a restaurant that i was working out like the last couple days that i was there and i was like listen man you do what you want don't fucking work here you're gonna hate this place yeah you told them because you asked them do they know you vouch for my unemployment yeah well you say they fired me right i'm gonna need

numbers dude that's a different are either your garbage or you're not is if you go on wanting to get fired to get unemployment versus wanting to be downsized you can get a recommendation yeah yeah that's yeah yeah i remember i didn't know i was i used to work at a grocery store in high school and uh things are going well uh just quit two weeks ago and uh i didn't know i had quit games i joined the union they make you join the union because it was in philadelphia so i the baggers union no was the it was technically part of the team the team's bag is 101 and i was in i was in the one hour photo department arie you had like a no no show uh paid well they wanted me to fucking they went on strike do not touch that head of lettuce and they were like what are your hours

to pick it i'm like i got i got a fucking gym class today what are you talking about pick it i'm like you're paying me eight bucks an hour how do you feel about more tough cocktails huh the only picking item that was this nose but i try went to i was like i'm gonna get fired and i was like so i showed up late like 64 days in a row wow and i was like she's like you've set the record for consecutive latenesses i'm like can you just fire me and she goes you're in the union you're never gonna get fired i'm like fuck me i didn't know like yeah they can't fire you i'm like mother fucker like there has to go to like a me you know we have to talk to like the shop store then he got to talk to his boss where they could just do it i give you permission i know

yeah i'm like please because my mom's like you gotta have a job i'm i was just like i'll get fired a couple of months until i find it was the summer you know what i mean oh then live off unemployment it's so great i lived off unemployment for nine years you know i because every time you book commercial it's like you're paying back in and you're like i would have done this every day but they downsize me after two days you just keep paying in it's great ah 1 800 300 five six one six what's that the number for unemployment in los angeles there's no way that's right but it might be man i weren't you working at the store that was under the table uh that didn't it wasn't they paid you 25 bucks a shift highly illegal pay and and it was just

like that so you make 25 dollars off your 450 a week but they just tack it on to the last last seven months this guy's scheming i think those are the fourth crime he's admitted to i know and the most important one i mean so far we have petty theft uh drinking and driving well there's a limited hey have you guys ever called this this is perfect statue of limitations yeah the statue of limitations you've got that question here right i i probably say 100 percent in i know it's statute but like i probably in conversation like i say laptop i probably i also say i say library but well that's trash what about banana what no no what what no one of you think it's that most of my family says banana give me a banana where they have or a hamburger

let me if it's an accent i get it a what a ham what hamburger hamburger they drop off the ur yeah and they throw it under the banana yeah so i felt that was good okay and that's why i've never been a hamburger yeah no we just it i wouldn't say it's an accent thing although the accent is there and it sounds trashy with the accent it's just the area upstate pennsylvania near where where wisecrackers is wolk sprays from where my use no way you've done wisecrackers never now okay nice crackers in the bits and then yeah no no no no there's no way thought at some point yeah i couldn't get booked at those places until i was past them okay yeah this is like uh this is like a weekend room ramada in lobby yeah i would have loved those for forever

and then at some point they reached out i'm like i know i'm not coming to your place for 300 dollars for the week yeah i could have back then i would have loved to when you wouldn't have had me yeah but that's where they get it from upstate pennsylvania interesting yeah that's yinzer area or no that's western that's western's yinz what's the instead of us like philly says use like what are you doing pittsburgh says yinz someone knocking are you here would you spot a grub or something what are you doing no i totally looked over there you got me oh i was looking at the cameras oh what are you guys on goof i know what's going on this whole thing fairly important the last three seconds let's go into his patreon questions guys you can submit the patreon questions at patreon.com slash are you

garbage got a consummate pro like uh this is from john never had one read is a garbage to lick the lid of a condiment if you spill some on it before putting it back in the fridge will you lick the nozzle no you wipe it with your finger like like a sriracha yeah wipe it with your finger you don't lick them oh yeah somebody else gonna use that what are you garbage what about this let's say you have um something that has an under like a film thing like a yogurt person like sabra hummus is a big hummus yogurt those kind of things cream cheese oh the same way comes up yeah yeah you lick that like that but throw it away you do you so if i you would a thing of cream cheese all right take the lid off it's got the foil thing do you rip that all the way off and throw it out or

do you know do we use it it's like it's like your own like uh see it's an extra barrier for the air you do you leave it but but you take it off with a knife or something i'll leave it to reseal in a way but but you take over the night or sabra is a good example take some bread and wipe that off but you leave that plastic thing on there yeah sure we're gonna throw it away it's an extra chore yeah i throw away yeah take it all the way up it falls into the old hummus and then you're like it's on your fingers sticky and it rips no you don't you don't take it off like you don't take it off and touch the inside you're not going and like i'm pushing it over flip it back you gotta flip it back it doesn't see there's not a hinge on it you know what i mean yeah it's

it's got dust and stuff on it you're saying it's just gross yeah because then it falls into the fucking yogurt or something like that do you not see what we're talking about i'm seeing it i'm seeing it i'm seeing it this is why you're eating insects okay this is a problem here i mean hurry is you're from another planet dude and the thing with the roach what i meant was now in those places they farm those bugs they farm you know they're they're in the woods but would you if there was a restaurant in the city that served new york city roaches anything like that was a michelin restaurant if it's like you're going to a nice restaurant we have this thing i'm like that's an exception you go to a michelin

you go to a michelin a three-star michelin michelin restaurant is that a thing yeah and they're like the special tonight is subway rat are you gonna try that are you gonna try that it's not what else is on the menu is there a t-bone wait what is it a prefix i don't know would that be a move you would make or do you have subway rat i know it's extreme you got to catch your own too rat i can see rat everybody that book king rat no actually it's not a great example i think i know that in star restaurant i would go this guy is that the best you know he's the best at what he's doing on purpose yeah or he lost his mind the week ago true he knows better than i do you know what i mean yeah it's on the menu and if it

comes out and you don't like it put it in the napkin put it on to the table you're gonna like it he's gonna make it right sure he knows what he's doing that's the scary part yeah you're gonna get addicted to it yeah actually you know you're on the e-train then you're real handsy mole people going down they're trying to get more rats but i think obsessed with those people for a while i've wanted to see them so much i've never seen them there's a really good documentary on them because they said you can see it from the train so i'd always be in the very front so you can see through the through the past to the driver's how long you've been working here stuck looking for him the whole way is never yeah no they're closed tunnels so at one point amtrak had a set of tunnels that they then

decommissioned and they were all living in those tunnels how many people you think are down there realistically a couple hundred for sure do you ever hear the rat king they're bringing that back was a rat king is whether they're all yeah there's their tails all tangled together and then they start moving in unison oh really i don't know that's the that's the folk i would freak out they probably just end up eating each other if you were offered to be able to go down there and take a tour i'd go you'd go yeah wow you want to meet him and see him it's like he's going on a safari he's got like a yeah a lit torch you know that you want to just like who's out there you get down there like norman cheers like awry i got dibs on the grubs you belong here yeah exactly we got a

whole platter for you you would eat the grubs but not i don't want to be rude will you eat in the bathroom my own bathroom yes drink coffee for sure on the toilet while you're pooping yeah and what's the what's the regiment when you're pooping the coffee there's not a regiment you have an ipad or anything have a cup of coffee uh phone my laptop your laptop you'll sit there okay sometimes or my phone and it really is a laptop at that point any magazines in your bathroom no but i like those days with magazines it's better what you want that's a good chance for your mind to wander a little bit it's fun yeah if you go through what do you got 45 minutes an hour you're taking whoa i'm in an hour at a friend's house and seeing what the mom has in a little in style

something like that mm-hmm i saw meme and showed a can of like bug spray this is what people do this is what people read on the toilet oh yeah 100% i used to read the back of shampoo all the time yeah all the time i remember reading cereal boxes too when i was eating my cereal well yeah it's just read something you need to you know something to do better days mm-hmm a simpler time one would say all right let's do a couple more then we got to get mr shaffir out of here okay uh this is from eraser uh first i am red did you do you have you ever personally known a hoarder you are yeah i fight it constantly what do you hoard what is your apartment like i love this i know i picture something nice because you got a lady

don't you it's nice now i did a episode of my podcast arish for skeptics thank a long time ago where me and matt agar and tony hingecliffe and maybe damondonia i don't know but we all de hoarded my place whoa like what is this i had a pile and i'm not kidding the the width longer than the width of this table and a triangle like the pyramids that we built aliens he means you're a pain suit of unopened amazon box of shit that i had gotten high online and just like i'm like why don't you open i'm like i figured i'd open it later and then they just piled up years worth i just wouldn't throw stuff out i just wouldn't throw

stuff out i had an unreasonable emotional attachments to shit and then i didn't think anything of it and then i saw that show hoarders and it wasn't as bad as that i didn't have dead cats around but it was on that line and i was like oh fuck was there a smell no okay and so then i yeah anything like like food stuff it fell i'd pick it up okay um but then it's like i was like i gotta fix this before i become like those people so we had a de hoarding but it's something i gotta fight did you open all those amazon boxes just yeah i had multiples of multiple things that i had ordered something high and like oh i want that and then i guess six months later like oh i want that and then got it again without because i didn't have it yet right

we just did christmas christmas in july like how many rhinestone belts can you yeah and everything i opened i was like wow this is awesome because like yeah you ordered it for you man past r he's awesome yeah that guy's great all these good ideas oh man just boxes what about you guys i'm bad with the mail yeah and that's like it's an anxiety thing and once it passes the first level like let's show some mail like oh i gotta respond to that or it's a bill whatever the next time you get mail you put it on top that first one is gone forever now it doesn't matter because i've let it sit there for literally a year we just did this because i was going through looking for w2s and 1099s and shit i went through a year's worth of mail that i i gotta do that i gotta look to that

nothing matters i gotta look to that mail unless they shut it off yeah like unless you're like oh the power got shut off i got a business manager because i was paying so much in late payments and the credit cards and the and the account ed and all that stuff like well sir do you assistance like finance show i'm like no no i'm actually doing well now it's just like i'll do it later i'll do it later i'm such a bill pay bill pays tough for me i used to do that for my job i used to pay rich people's bills oh really and uh like billionaires and i would forget they would show up to their apartments and they'd be like the wi-fi is not working i'm like ah i had an excuse like ah they were doing construction in the area the services might be out i'll call

and i would call them but yeah you owe 400 bucks and i'm like hey they just sent a signal try it wow that was your job they're paying you to do it for them and you're not even doing it yeah what are you my boss already jesus christ that's a crippling phobia though yeah but the male my wife's like you gotta do something i'm like not today i'll deal with it tomorrow and then it gets worse and worse and worse he's piling up and i just throw it all out at one one time i once said i had a i had a tops had those baseball cards with comedians for a while and so people would yeah they salve got it first and then he recommended a few people and they recommend a few people and um some special edition ones and some whatever one was from a special they're like do you have

anything special and they add a little circle in the in the car they put on i put a shirt that i wore during a special at the comedy that's pretty cool cut it up put it in yeah it is but people would send him to you with a self-adjusted envelope to send a p.o. box before everybody hated me and then um uh so they sent him death threats yeah yeah yeah it's box you can close it i don't need it anymore anthrax um yeah and so it was just pile up and one day i was just like i think before i went to ecuador i'm like i got it was like a year and a half's worth and i just like if you still live with this address here it is here it is and just took like hours and signed and put them back damn feels good though it's good it does feel good yeah you yeah you get through that stuff yeah yeah

that's great hmm we're learning something here look at that one of the ways that internet addicts you i just read is that that number of like oh you have six uh messages or whatever your your mind wanting to like get order is like okay i gotta go through those to get that number gone yeah so then then it'll pop up four more like okay i gotta get down there it's like you feel like you've accomplished something i've kind of broken that a little bit it gets to a number where it breaks i used to be the person of like if it came in i had to do it i had to do what i had to do it and if i my wife i'm like she'd be like i have 32 unread emails i'm like that's fucking insane to me yeah you want to i'm like even if it's a fucking just an advertisement just open it and clear to

delete it now um i have multiple accounts well over 20 000 right so then it's okay then i'll go yeah there's no looking back you're in the multi 40 years there was a 20 644 because i don't need to if i look at it i'm like i don't care what the number is there's a bubble there with a number i don't correct it's liberated that's zero inbox is like what that you've heard of that people doing that sort of gets to zero like no messages yeah not that's the way i operate it like that for really time yeah i didn't have a lot going on so i wanted to feel important that's bad bad than me i won't get off my fucking back send me coupons every fucking time send them an email can you hop on a call real quick all right let's boogie june 11 june 12 june 11 is sold out june

12 get some tickets arishafir.com in brooklyn go fucking see him he's the best we love you love him always love this podcast i hope you guys uh you know you were one of the early advocates of us i will never forget that never this is how much weedy smokes i saw him right after he mentioned us on rogan i'm like hey thanks a lot man he goes for what i'm like you mentioned us on rogan yesterday he goes oh yeah oh my god all right let's go get a big bowl of crickets and celebrate we'll see you next time