Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Ari Shaffir: Kosher Trash

Episode Date: July 27, 2020

Comedian and Podcaster Ari Shaffir joins Kippy and Foley for HOT ep of AYG. Ari tells us about growing up jewish, working the comedy store, and a how to pick your nose. You know Ari from Joe Rogan Podcast, Comedy Central, and Skeptic Tank Podcast. Support our Sponsors: https:/www.sheathunderwear.com and use the code: Garbage https://reelpaper.com and use the code : Garbage Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Forman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Hey, what's up, everybody? Just a quick reminder, the most recent 15 episodes are available on iTunes and YouTube. To get the rest of the RU Garbage Library, please go to gasdigitalnetwork.com, use promo code AYG. That's right! To save a couple of bucks, we get to wet our beak and you get the full access to all shows on the network's libraries. It's a good deal. Do it! We love you. Welcome to another exciting edition of RU Garbage. The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash.

Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Oh, baby! Hey, everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is RU Garbage, the show where we sit there with your favorite comedians and find out if they grew up classy or if they're a big old piece of trash. I'm your host H. Foley coming at you on a glorious day here, Gas Digital Studios. We're in the big studio. We got a big get-it and we could not be more excited. My co-host, everybody's best pal. I mean, let's forget about it. The next time you're reaching for a buddy, you go ahead and make it a kippy because this kid's all right. Kevin James Ryan, everybody.

Thanks, big man. I'm happy you pulled out the cabana ware for the big guest too, this guy. Shout out to the George Collection at Walmart. Catch you down in Del Boca Vista pretty soon. Drop a grand in Disney World like that. What's up, everybody? Thanks for tuning in and we appreciate it. As always, please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes, keep us in the top 200 and also full video available on YouTube. You can subscribe there as well.

Yes, sir. And gang, we could not. Now, I say this a lot on the podcast, but we... But we don't mean it for the other guests. Those other bozos, forget about them. Zach Amiko, who? We could not be more excited to have this very special guest on the show with us today. That's why we're in the big studio, baby. Well, they don't move you over here usually.

No, over there. Yeah, we chose the little one. Oh, right. Keep our egos. You know what I mean? Keep the ego in check. That's what we've been telling you. I'll see you get more times over there.

Yeah, it's easier. Nobody takes you out like we need it. Like nobody needs it. Exactly. Gang, that voice you hear has appeared on the Conan O'Brien show. Brodie Stephens enjoy it. Kill Tony. 35 episodes of This Is Not Happening. Plus 46 episodes executive producer.

Seen him on the bonfire last call with Carson Daly. The Joe Rogan experience. And of course, Legion of Skanks. He has multiple stand-up specials out to name a few. He has passive aggressive paid regular and double negative. He's the host of Skeptic Tank and has also appeared in the hit film, Keeping Up with the Joneses, which me and my girlfriend watched it the night and thoroughly enjoyed it.

Delightful. How did you find that? I have forced my way that off my resume and bio. Ladies and gentlemen, give a fucking big round of applause for the one, the only Mr. Ari Shafir. Thanks for having me, you guys. Yeah, man. Thanks for having me here.

Before I even start, I'd like to say that not letting gas digital people have their own patreon's like you guys. It's the equivalent of Dana White not allowing the UFC fighters to have their own sponsorships. It's ridiculous and I don't stand for it. I love you, Lois. I don't, I don't, we don't, we don't. We don't know this guy.

This guy out of here. We're very happy here. Yeah. What about classy or trashy? Have you got, I don't know. It just seemed like it would run. Yeah, I don't know. No, not for the title.

Just when your intro, you say, are they classy or are they trash? I know because we say it in the, in the, in the, in the. It's in the, it's in the song already. So I try not to say the same thing. And I like to play with it and mix it up a little. Oh, that's good for you. Yeah, it's right up fresh. Keep the writers working.

What's your breakdown of trash versus class? Most people are garbage. Yeah, but I think we've had a handful. Like Versey was garbage, pulled out of garbage. Jared Freed was just fucking. I mean, I can tell you that. No, he's class. Yeah, you're writing system.

I mean, he might do, he might do trashy things. He what? Each cheese plates. Like he's, he came for money. He was like country club. Like he was very, I mean, then also like in comparison. Look at Zach Amiko. You know what I mean?

Like there's a, there's a wide range of it. Good point. No. In comparison for a comedian, maybe. Sure. Exactly. For comedian plates. I don't know what that, I don't know if he knows what that meant.

I don't think of it like bread bowl. Let's focus. Love a good bread bowl. On you. Okay. Mr. Shafir. You don't worry about the other guy. Okay, you're right.

We're going to find out if you're trash or not. That's good. Which we don't know. I'm, you're a complicated man. I'm leaning, he plays it fast and loose with some things for sure. Yes. There's been like P throw in and you know, a lot of. That's true.

That's, that's definitely not classy. That's not how you look at things. Jared Freed ain't throwing his piss. I'll tell you that much. But also very structured individual. You know what I mean? What? Like, you know, he doesn't like trashy shit.

Who are you? Yeah. You're very, and you're also very opinionated. You have a stance on a lot of behavior, a lot of things, a lot of brands, I presume you're, you have a staunch opinion on stance heavy. That's what they say about in the street. Funny guy, big dick, stance heavy.

Yeah. Big old pee pee. That's the fucking point in your favor. I'll pay it out right now. I love the shirt, by the way. I love a good Hawaiian shirt. Thank you. Thank you.

It's the George collection at Walmart. I'm telling you, if you're a husky guy, get over there because they're going like hotcakes. They got everything bathing suits, tank tops, the works. Yeah. I like this shirt underneath the shirt too. You know, you're going to, it doesn't butt. Yeah.

That's why that's the fact I move. I like how you blame it on the shirt. Yeah. It doesn't. But I'm not huge. It doesn't see the whole broken. All right. Tell us the backstory here.

I want to know your origin story where you grew up, how you grew up. I want to hear the whole thing. I grew up in, uh, in, uh, North Carolina and then Maryland, uh, Orthodox Jewish. Or it's it for more than a time. Yeah. The, the, the oleomica is the plates on the head.

Okay. Now what's the difference between Orthodox and Hasidic? Hasidic will be the black hats, the, the, the, the, the, the, Jews and Bed-Stuy and shit. Yeah. Like the coats and stuff, the heavy coats. That's Hasidic. Okay.

Yeah. That movie on, uh, so unorthodox. Those are Hasidic people. Okay. So you didn't rock that when you were a kid? No, we had that. We was like peripheral to that. We're a heavy Orthodox.

So it was like, it's like a, you know, it's like a thing here and then the thing here and we're like a top end of our little orthodox, like the Venn diagram. There were some overlap. Maybe. Yeah. It's like, you know how those like basic sitcoms, like boring sitcoms and then there's like cool ones.

Like it's always sunny and stuff like that. And it's like, it's like everybody loves Ray was like a basic sitcom, but like the best version of sure. Sure. And then you got like life in a stick, which is like the worst version of that, but still in that like shitty nothing sitcom. Sure. Sure.

Sure. You know, cause I live up at, I live up in the Heights by Yeshiva. Oh yeah. Yeah. So I'm, yeah. I went around about, oh no shit. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. One, yeah. That's why I lost my religion when I was at Yeshiva University. Really? You live up there? What's the neighborhood like now?

What is it? Like hundred, hundred. What is it? It's like 185th at Amsterdam. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I live at 190th in St.

Nick. What's your exact address? Yeah. My, wait, you lost your religion. Yeah. Well, he's not orthodox anymore. Take a look at him. I am not.

He just bought her from it. Yeah. Bacon on Fridays. Here we go. I could take this off. So very real, like if the family was very religious, obviously like by the, by the book, or did you guys like, by the book? By the actual book.

Shabbos, the whole nine yards. It's fully on Friday. You leave them on or they're off. Oh, I mean, I don't know if you know, but just Shabbos clocks where you can set your light to automatically turn off at a certain time. I heard you guys got like fancy phones too that it can like automatically, yeah.

Yeah. Where'd you hear that doctors and we had an ambassador in my community and it automatically picks up the phone every like 20 seconds. And so once it's already picked up, cause all it's like the spark or something is like, yeah, you can't start a fire on the Shabbos because there's, there's like a seven. There's, you can't work on the Sabbath.

Sure. Right. And then in addition to not working, they give you seven jobs. Like these are the, what are we talking about? These jobs also like scribe is one, you know, that was a job back to be a scribe. So like, even if you're not a scribe, you can't write on the Sabbath. No one can run.

Cause that's like a job. Another one was fire starter. So that no candles. No, you gotta, if you leave them on, you leave them on. You can't touch them. You can't even like mix, like move. Oh, so you can leave the lights on. You just can't fuck with them.

You can't fuck with them. Yeah. They're very crafty too. You guys are like, I remember like people like, we'll have like neighborhood kids come in and like turn the lights on and Brooklyn and shit. Shabbos go. Yeah. You hit strongly at the fact that it was too bright in there.

You're just like, ah, it sure is. I wish the lights could go off so I could sleep. You can't say it because then it's kind of like you're doing it. Oh, and it can't be a Jew. That's gonna be a full go. Shabbos. Wow. Yeah.

Somebody said like they pulled one of the Catholics. I forget who it was. They like pulled them in the house and they were like point just cause they guess they couldn't say like turn the TV off or whatever. You can just hint at it. But they were just like, ah, and he was like just touching things. I don't know what you want me to do, man. Yeah.

On an elevator, if you ever got on an elevator, someone's like, oh, I got to walk the steps. I wish someone could hit the floor eight for me. What are you going to do? And then they're like, I'll get it for you. Like if you want, but you can't say hit floor eight for me. Wow. Yeah.

And it can't be a less religious Jew has, but by the way, it's only because you guys don't have that law. So you're not sinning. Sure. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. You can't ask you to murder for us because you got that law.

Sure. It's wide open over here. We can, you know, minus the 10 rules. We can do whatever the fuck you want. Oh, you would be a hero to your community. If you're like, if you just go by it worth actually if you see them like, Hey, if there's any lights you find annoying, let me know what they are. And I'll see what I can do about it.

Wow. Yeah. Wait, wait, make a little cash. I love you. I don't know. Will they pay you? Would they hit you off with like a like a bug or something? You can't use money on the Sabbath.

Oh my God. See, that's how they get you. Yeah. Dude, I would have been out at like age 10. I would have been like, fuck this. Yeah. It's like duck hunt. Fucks novel.

Shoveling snow. Turn off some lights. All right. So you lived in an Orthodox Jewish community in North Carolina. Yeah. Sabbath the whole thing. Keep kosher. Pray three times a day.

When did you, when did you guys move from North Carolina to Maryland? Fourth grade into third grade. From one community to the next. Yeah. So it was a strong religious growing up. Yeah. Just religious. And then it's just like all the way through.

I finished, finished high school. Okay. I went to a seminary in Jerusalem for a couple of years. Damn. Yeah. Live there. That was great. And then came back, went to your neighborhood.

Yeah. To why you. What were you going to do? What do you, what would you become a rabbi? Possibly. Probably not though. You go to seminary if you can become a rabbi and you also go there if you just like want to be devout. You know, if you just want to be, you know, that's like, where'd you guys grow up?

Christian, Catholic, anything? Catholic. Catholic. So there's like really religious people, but they're not priests. Yeah. They'll both like, they'll teach like CCD or whatever. Those days were always fucking. Yeah.

When you're fucking scared to shit. Or just the people go to church, you know, church every day and do the studying and stuff like that, where it's like, they're not a priest, but they have more Jews are like that. Okay. So, but if you want to become a rabbi, you would do the same thing. Damn. And then so when you got to the Sheva University, you decided? Started thinking about it.

I realized I didn't believe in God. So I was kind of out. Wow. How'd your family take that? Not well. At least you can turn the lights off for him now. No, I can't. Why not?

I'm a Jew. Yeah. So it's all Jew. It's not, he said, if it's even if you're not less of a Jew, you can't do it. So if, if the bathroom light is off and I turn it on, they can't use that bathroom for the rest of the Sabbath. What? Yeah. They can't benefit off a sin of a Jew.

It's like Nazi research. There you go. Yeah. It makes sense. Yeah. Holy shit, dude. Yeah. So you wouldn't be able to like use that.

You don't even have the opportunity to be garbage at that point. Like, what can you really, I mean, I feel like the rules. What do you do? In that upbringing, it's tough. Although, I mean, I don't know. There's so certain growth stuff that has nothing to do with religion. Sure. Do you wipe your ass?

Do you go, you know, I don't know what you're... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chew your fingernails or is that against the rules? Not against the rules. So that's like, that could be a garbage thing. Yeah. We were, we did fit Simmons the other day and he, he bites it and then eats the stuff under it and picks his teeth with the nail. What'd you have on Zoom?

Zoom, yeah. Yeah. Wow. Pretty gross. Yeah. He had some real garbage. Did he bring up that he hit his kids? He almost got him taken away.

No. He did not? No. Oh, it was like a year ago. It was like a big thing. I would think it would come up in this. I think you're, you have to be fucking with us. No.

Hey, I think he was like punishing them and then one of them like said something to a teacher and got out of here. Jesus, this is public knowledge already. I'm never telling you a fucking thing. I think it is. I'm pretty sure it is. I don't know. But anyway, yeah. How about a rule?

How about a Jewish rule of keeping your fucking mouth shut? His whole wife's family had to like testify on his behalf or something. I don't know the exact stuff, but it was like really, it was a problem for him for a while. I see. He's deflecting right now. You know, he's deflecting. I was talking about how that guy really fucked up. Stay away from me.

Let's get back to it. So do you still talk to your family? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They came to college with it. I feel a while. Yeah.

Okay. It took a bit. Now, like if you go over there on a Friday night, you're not like fucking your headphones on, fucking flicking. Play by the rules a little bit. Yeah. The same if I went over to Muslim's house or Catholic's house, you know, I'd rape a kid with you guys or whatever.

I don't know whatever you guys are into, but like, you know. Chug a beer, get pregnant. Call Memorial Day. Let's do it. Yeah. Epstein, the biggest Catholic. Are they still in, they're still in Maryland. Uh-huh.

Okay. Yeah. So growing up, was it like a single family house or an apartment or a townhouse? House, house, house, proper house. Brothers and sisters? Uh-huh. How many? Two sisters and a brother.

They're all, they're all pretty, my brother's not so religious anymore either, but the other ones are like tons of kids. Damn. Yeah. It's just like. What was the snack situation growing? Couldn't be good. Not great, but that was just us.

I think my mom was like something to do with like safety or something in college. Like she was like, I don't know, in like pre-med or something. So like, she was like no sugar foods, but other people in the community had like twizzlers and shit. Oh, we'd always go over there. Yeah. Yeah. We had, we had like the best we ever got was honey nut Cheerios.

Oh, dude, that was me. All right. Yeah. That was me eating healthy though. That was like, I'm trying to pull back from the lucky charms or something. It was like the best we got. No ice cream. Nothing like that.

To foodie. We're just like soy based ice cream. Oh my God. What? Oh yeah. Might as well be another country. That's against the Catholic religion. Sherbert?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But like, it just wasn't great. You couldn't mix meat and milk. So if we had a meat dish, you couldn't have dairy for six hours afterwards. So yeah.

Unless we go out to basketball. He drinks milk with dinner. So there's no way he could be Jewish. Yeah. It wasn't a great life, but we didn't know any better. Was your mom a good cook? Yeah. For sure.

My dad is a great cook now. So the Jewish food that you guys had was good because... It was solid. It wasn't gross. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, some of it was like super ethnic where you wouldn't even like to filth a fish. If you're not into it, you'd be like, this is disgusting.

I could never have this. But almost everything else, I'm down with it because I've eaten a lot of jobless dinners. I mean, uh... Kugel? I've had, yeah, I've had that. That's a good one. Yeah. It sucked though.

The broad making it didn't know, didn't know way around a frying pan or whatever. She's stunk. Yeah. That's the thing. When you're like, Jews are like this, like, well, this is better than worse ones, you know? Yeah, of course. Yeah. So like, some of like Jewish cook food sucks.

Like, no, that lady doesn't know. Well, what it was, she was like Irish or something and she married a Jewish guy. So she tried to learn how to make it for him. And they were like, Kev, stay over. We're having like our Jewish dinner. I'm like, all right. And like two bites and I was like, yo, ma, come scoop me. It's never going to happen.

It's like a, it's like a jujitsu guy trying to understand up at 31. Yeah. It's just, you can't do it. My buddy did that. He converted to Judaism to marry his wife. He was hardcore Lutheran while growing up. Really? Convert it.

Now he's hardcore Jewish. I don't know if he's Orthodox, but I know he lives in a, in a community. Damn. Yeah, that makes sense. They tend to, they tend to, they stay close. You got to convert and like. Yeah. It seems like a lot of hoops get Catholic.

It's, you know, I'm going to be raised, my, my, my wife's Jewish. So we're going to be, we're going to be doing what are you going to do? You're going to convert. I'm not converting. No, she's not like hardcore. Joe, she's Eastern Europe. Like she just moved here from Europe. So she's like, she's coming to box.

Yes. And I just buy one, get one free way fair promo code garbage. Everybody. Do you still have a Patreon or can you just like save it? Or are you holding up? No, we're, it's the same. It's we're on the network. Okay.

Let me ask you a question though. What if you had, what if you had this podcast and you had another podcast, not on gassage, the kippy and foley show or something. Yeah, all right. Yeah, let's just hear an individual person. Could you have your own patron for you as a performer? I'm sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We have to check our contract. Yeah. It's just for the show. We just, yeah. It's just Mr. Gomes. It's just for the show. All right. Hey, we love it.

We're happy. Yeah. Gas digital all the way. Bill and dump this and the Fitzsimmons shit. By the way, I was joking about that. I know, I know, I know. What the fuck? I don't want to say I was joking in the middle of the clip.

But yeah, you're watching the whole thing for sure. That's never happened. He loves his kids. Sorry. Yeah. That's what he was talking about. He's like, yeah, I wrestle with my kids all the time. And I'm like, maybe I got a little too far.

Maybe headbutted him or something, you know, my God. All right. Let's get into some fucking garbage questions here. We got the back stories. He's currently smoking doobies in the studio. What the fuck? Shut up. Ralph will hear you.

Ralph left, I think. But oh, great. I mean, the only, honestly, the only person I could tell you know is Dylan. And I don't know. Dude, I have like this weird level of seniority. I don't know what to do either. I honestly think Ari could tell me no.

At this point, I think Ari could actually say no to me. Smoking weed in someone else's studio? Garbage. That's pretty trashy. Literally, what are you going to do? Even if I wasn't like a, like a value member of the gas family, what would you do if I was just some new guy? Would you drag me out of here?

Like, what would be the, I worked the door at the comedy store. Yeah, you're not going to do anything. If I said you got to leave and somebody goes, no, I'll be like, you called my bluff. I played my only hand I got. If I walked in there and say, hey, you have to leave right now, you would just keep smoking.

Yeah. You're not going to physically remove them. Yeah. I'd be like, well, I'll fucking call the cops. This joint will be up by then. Call the authorities. I know my rights. I'm Jewish.

I don't play by your laws. Jewish. I can do whatever I want. I asked that once at a TSA. They were like, the line was forever. And I just went up to the lady. I was like, where's the Jewish line? This one around here.

Where is it? There's got to be a shorter one. You know, with the snacks and shit like that. Where's the chosen line? Damn. That's pretty good. All right. Smoking weed in the studio.

See, this is all this is kind of my theory on you a little bit, and it actually lines up very much with Zach. Zach grew up fucking like wasn't allowed to do it. It was like strict, strict household as you like crazy strict, as they took the doors off the apartment and off the bedrooms and shit. Like what do you mean? Like there was no doors in the house because he was

religious. No, no religious. Just fucking wacko parents. Mom was psycho. Psycho. Like no doors. Couldn't jerk off. Couldn't eat.

Had to eat over the sink like just wild shit. So I think the strictness and then when you turn 20, 21, whatever, and you're like, I'm getting the fuck out of here. It's fucking balls to the wall. God doing whatever the smoking. That's very possible. Make it up a lot of time. Did you go crazy?

Not crazy, but did you not write it up since then? It was like, yeah, for sure. Like made up a lot of the virgin till 23 and then like a fucking whore from 26 until like, I mean, pretty much now. Did you not smoke weed or anything? No, I can't. William Soroyan says in the human comedy says, well, there is anyone who has a religion force on them will never

accept it and goes further the other way. Yeah. That's what that's exactly what I think is, you know, because you're like, I'll do whatever the fuck I want though. You can't tell me what to do. Not even don't tell me what to do. It's like, I challenge you to tell me to stop smoking weed right now.

Yeah, I have a problem that way. Yeah, he just quoted a writer. That's pretty classic. He's you're an educated man, right? Yeah. Where'd you go to college? You went to University of Maryland. University of Maryland.

Is it the Terps? Yeah, I transferred from YU to over there to like state school because I was like, I don't know. Is this before you shiver after? After you shiver. So after seminary, which I also called you Shiva, then you go to YU for a year. You should be University 21.

That was here. That was up here. Yeah. And that was like, ah, this is I don't want to do this. And it was like, why pay for a college where it's like four hours of religious studies a day? Yeah. I don't believe in it.

So I just transferred it in state. Nice. In state of Maryland. That's a smart move. Next year. Yeah. State school. Save a couple of bucks.

You went from that to fucking the university. You must have been going fucking crazy. No, because it was a little bit like what my going crazy was was like your guys. Kind of like, oh, we're going to get a beer and hang out. I'm going to get a beer. Two drinks. Well, we're fucking crazy.

Yeah. We could just cigarette. You know, I did it. That's it. We were doing when I was like 11, you know, I was like stealing my friend's dad's weed and trip. It's tough to see Ari is like a nerd like that. Yeah, because he's so fucking he went so far left.

I just, I thought of this recently, like when I got to the comedy store, when I got to LA to start doing comedy, I didn't realize. So like recently, I was four years removed from super religious orthodox Judaism and then con with those like Joey Diaz, like coca generates, you know, thieves and fucking back up bonds. And they're just like, yeah, I couldn't know what the fuck

that was. And then they got me even like sure. Yeah. Damn, that's fucking complex, man. Yeah. A very special episode. I'd like to know what the trash or classes in terms of like, is it just like dress or is like, do you stand up for your

friends and shit? You know, Well, it goes all it's all we were, you know, we're kind of we're connoisseurs of garbage, right? So like, wait, your answer, we don't have to, we, it's just in us. We don't have to be like, oh, what do you think? We both just react the same way for some reason about garbage.

We have like a very good, we're dialed in on it. So it's like, it's also like kind of like brands of shit you buy, where you try to save money, where you spend money like that kind of shit as well as like your upbringing, but you're upbringing. So it's mainly we're going to be judging you, I guess from like 20 on kind of. Okay.

Yeah. Where you are now. Yeah. Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah. Sure. Yeah, you got a young Hitler was a nice kid. Good painter.

Yeah. It's a cute guy. Better than us, to be honest, people say it wasn't great, better than any of us. Let's get into it a little bit. Okay. First question. All right.

Even though it was a Jewish community, which we say possibly cannot be garbage. I just don't think it's too strict to be garbage. What was the name of the street you grew up on? Early on was pebble, pebble street. It's not too bad. That's a sweet pebble street. That's how you decide what garbage.

No, we just get a feel for it. Well, we're getting our feet in the water. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, pebble. Figuring you had a little bit of a pebble street. But if you live on fucking Steve's turnpike, that's a good sign. You live on like a bypass. Like we just had Potter on.

He was on like South Union. He lives on the through way. He lived like next to the toll booth. I'll tell you, I didn't know apartments were a thing until I saw it in a sitcom class. That's class. Didn't know apartments were a thing. Was your television, all that stuff limited as far as what

you could watch and what you were exposed to in the outside world? Basic. We only have basic television. No cable for a while. No, no, no, we could if we were a friend's house, we could watch it. Yeah, OK. And now we're like, oh, what? I just thought I thought they were just rooms until like slowly

became like, oh, they live. That's a whole living situation. Where's the upstairs? Where's the base? There's also apartments like different strokes. That makes sense. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So did you have a garage? Oh, yeah. OK. Did you have a refrigerator in the garage? Yeah, too. Actually, I'm very enough and a meat. Oh, that's really they have to be separated. No, but we just made it that way.

But still, two or two or four. Is there any for my last one? Mm hmm. Capri Suns. They keep ice pops. That was all. That's all religious. You can't be doing that.

Honestly, the garage fridges. That was just like when we got really good deals on like frozen foods. Oh, yeah. So that would fill up exactly what it is. But two garage fridges. That's a that's a fucking A Y G first, dude. Oh, really? Two garage and a large room fridge.

What? Yeah. You can afford a large room freezer. A large room freezer. Get this guy another joint. Huh? Get him a bubbler or something. Saying it out loud.

It does seem strange. That's fucking class. Yeah. I'm multiple fridges. Yeah. My that'll probably be the best fridge game growing up. Did your folks have a little bit of cash? You have a little cash growing up?

I OK. Middle class. I think it was more a function of my dad's a survivor. So he's like, I'm not going to throw away a fucking fridge. It still works. That we'll see. That's the garbage mentality. Yeah.

That's so nobody goes out and buys a new fridge. The garbage mentality. And you go, well, it's a refrigerator. I can't throw out a fridge. So you just stick it in the basement or the garage somehow. Use it somehow. Yeah. Except the fuck me.

You think like no one else needs a second or third or fourth fridge. Yeah. You'll do without it. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. So it's it's garbage mentality, but it is also like clean living

at the end of the day. You got multiple fridges, you know, checking them out. Have you guys ever gone to shopping and then taking the stuff when you're like, you know, get ice cream or whatever. It's frozen stuff and try to fill up the freezer here in New York. There's not much space. And I was like, oh, we got to eat some freezer food tonight.

Oh, yeah. It's like there's not enough room. Let's make some room or even the trashier thing is just to unbox it and put it back in. You know what I mean? Like take the Texas toast out of the box. So you're like, oh, it's crumpled up to bags. You know what I mean?

That's a good move. Yeah. Buddy, we're trash throwing through. Freezer Bird City. Oh, dude. Yeah. Freezer Bird Foods are the fucking worst. All right.

Pebble Street. Single family. I got another basic. What'd you get on your SATs? Oh, what'd you get? 11, 11, 40, 1250. Oh, this guy. I don't know this guy.

Hold on. How old are you? I didn't take this the 2400. I'm 33. That was the new SATs. What are the new SATs? But now I think they have a new new SATs. The new SATs were same thing to do with women's fashion,

but the new SATs were the scores weren't high enough. So across America. So they just changed it to make it a bit easier. So if you got like a 1200, that would be like the equivalent of getting the 1300 before. So now 1200 just means more. So you just everyone just do better. Yeah.

No, I took the same one. I took the same. I mean, I think they changed like five years after me. I think you might have taken the new ones. So you would be a 1050 to me and mine. Yeah. So you're a fucking idiot. It's at a 2600.

No, no, it's not a 1600. 1600 still. This is the first time here. They changed them after me and then changed them again. So they changed them twice. I think they went to 2400 and then changed them again. So I think for a while they were saying the questions were racist. Who was it?

S.A.T. questions were racist. Wands washing his clothes down at the river. Yeah, they didn't use words like that or something like this. People like I don't know. Black kids don't know. I don't like who's what's what's who's Adam. Yeah, is that the cop or something? That's good.

Um, yeah. Anyway, 1250 old S.A.T.s, you would have seen it as a 1350. We're gonna have to we're gonna have to look into that 1250. That's pretty good. Quoting authors. Very fucking fridges and extra freezer. Do you know Kaplan's like study program? Yeah.

I never took that. Yeah. So that's a 1250. That's a real 1250. That's a real 1250. No juice. Did it natural? Did you take them once or multiple times?

Just once. Yeah. You have any pets growing up? No. No pets at all? Oh, I think it was young, young way. Had like to like first or second grade. We had a dog for a little like vague memory of a dog, but really young.

Okay. You know what I got him? I took a practice L.S.A.T. But that's on a weird stage. Don't you get like a six or something on that? Aren't they weird? What's the scale L.S.A.T.? Is that a 750?

I don't have no idea. What is the L.S.A.T.? Is that to be a lawyer or an actor? My mom's lucky I took the S.A.T.s to be. I was going to stop at the P.S.A.T. So you were going to be a lawyer too? No. My friend was and he was practicing all the time for the bar to not the bar

just to get in for the L.S.A.T. It's like not stop doing the Kaplan shit. And then I beat him on a practice says. Dylan's got the average score is like 150. So 120 to 180. Does that sound right? Yeah. I got a 170.

Yeah, I got a 300. 172. It was a 172. He could have won it. Yeah, Dylan, what's the highest? Yeah, that's what I got. Yeah, it turns into Judah. Oh, is it 170?

170. Yeah, that's what I got a couple more than that. All right, we got to crack this guy. We got to get him. I got one. Yeah, go ahead. Have you ever been at the gas station and used the squeegee to clean anything but your windshield?

Absolutely. Yes. Oh, wait for the gas off the tank. That's fucking. We're doing your wheels or something. That's trash already. Shaving with it. One of my first bits.

When I was like two years in a comedy, that was a bit. Wash, you know, you're poor. You wash your entire car with the gas. Dude, I caught my wife was like, yeah, why don't you just get the door? I'm like, I can't fucking do that. I'm like, I just can't. You got to purchase. You're like, well, I have time.

It's still filling up even though you don't stop. Yeah, you only put six bucks in. You know, I fucking do the inside. I put take a couple of paper towels too. I'm telling you. Yeah, why not? It's trash. Also, it's fun to use it.

It is fun. You feel like a man when you're. It's like a thing you saw people doing. Yeah, but also you're not going to get a car wash. That's out of the picture. And you see it once you go once in the door and it really cleans the difference. You know, it's like a desin X and you're like, of course, do the whole thing. That is good trash behavior, though.

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Use the promo code garbage and do some good for the world by wiping your butt. All right, let's get back to the show. Yes, sir. All right, so we got him. We're going to stay in this wheelhouse. We're going to stay in the wheelhouse. Okay. That wasn't since.

All right. You go over. It's been until he's qualifying it. Have you ever gotten cash back while making a purchase? Ever? Yeah. Yeah. But like.

Is it a habit? No, twice ever. I think wants to see if it would work like two years ago. Is this a really a thing? I always don't believe it either. That's a class thing. And then once I'm like, oh, I got to give somebody some cash for something. So I was like, hey, can you give me 20 bucks back off this?

Hmm. All right. It's pretty good. That's a side check. Maybe you're right. Well, like Louis does it every time he makes that's the only way he gets cash. What? No, what about spot pay?

Oh, Louis. This guy's taking shots on everybody. I have tons of cash from spot pay all the time. No one in New York would take. Let me ask you this. You want, you want to take a shower? I have. Yeah.

That's for sure. All right. That's good. Next question. Take three days. Three days. Take three days. Basically feel like you're under attack sometimes, like by Congress.

Sure. Oh, wait, this is fun. Do you wash your hair first or last? Wash my hair first. Yeah. It's good. This guy checks out man. This guy's tough.

This guy's tough. Okay. Crack. I got one. He's got the pace slow. We're all just combined. He's got me contact. I don't know what's going on.

I came in and gassed us. What do you guys do? Are these the same question to different people? You do different for every. Sometimes they over like, you know, but I mean, it's out of a pool of like a thousand questions. Do fans like write in questions? Yeah.

They're insane. They're going to go to patreon.com slash are you trash? Oh, are you garbage? Oh, garbage. That's right. This guy's all hopped up on his drugs. It's all hopped up on doobies. Smokes doobies.

When you go to a restaurant, like a nicer restaurant, will you order the specials? Sometimes. That's classy. I don't even listen to them. Really? Really? Oh, yeah. I'm dude.

We're such blue collar trash that it's like, that's a rip off. Don't even keep your head down. Don't make eye contact and keep it moving. It's all hamburger. They don't tell you the price of the specials. So you got to remember the price you want to compare. Like, well, that's a little better, but not for 33 verse 21. Yeah, exactly.

So like when you get the bill, like I'm sure my mom did it and my dad got the bill and it was like fucking, you know, $42 for the lobster bisque or something. And she caught a fucking. And they say that some restaurants don't have the prices at all on the menu. That's bougie. And they say that's classy, but I think that's a fucking piece of shit. It's piece of shit. Also, they do that with like beers are like five, six.

And then with mixed drinks, they just don't list them. Yeah. Like, what the fuck? I know. I think because it fluctuates so much. You know what I mean? They're like, Hey, today they're 11 tomorrow. They're nine.

Yeah. Hey, you know, my, my dad was, my mom, she said that at nice restaurants, they would have the price only on the men's menu and not on the women's. And Jewish restaurants are just in general. Wait, there's different gendered menus. Yeah. Because it was so classy. They weren't religious for a little while.

Like, well, I guess they were going to regular restaurants. Wow. But like, uh, yeah. Cause the woman shouldn't see the woman. Yeah. Yeah. She's on a date. What the fuck?

That's pretty good. Let's go back to that. Right. All right. Women, I'm sure there's seven listeners you have that a women would be like, uh, with like, I wouldn't mind that. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. The women that listen to this for sure wouldn't mind that. For sure. For sure. Yeah. Yeah. My mom's still going to pay though.

Right. Yeah. It doesn't. My wife's only getting the chicken figures. That's all we can do. Let's see here. Here's the, okay. Joey Diaz said specials.

That's food that's about to go bad. They're trying to get rid of that's also true. They got to get it. They got to get it moving. Do you think that's true or that it's like, no, the chef is trying something. If it works out and it's good, we're going to put on the menu. It depends where it is probably at a diner.

They got to get it. They got to fucking get rid of it. Right. Right. If you go to like a nice place, it was bought with a chef, like a proper chef. It was bought that day. They're trying to, you know, try something.

Yeah. I worked at a nice restaurant. It's a hundred percent. Sure. Yeah. What? They're throwing the shit out. Sure.

The idea is you, especially even nice, even a nice restaurant, they'll overbuy. So let's say they buy like a lot of cars. Yeah. Even like our family meal, like the staff meal was always stuff that was overbuy, overgot. So whatever that special is, they bought too much of that. That we what if it's like a fish that's not even on the menu?

Still frozen. Oh, right. So they got rid of it. No, nice place. No, I'm saying like they don't overbuy that. Do they wait? But sometimes maybe sometimes a chef will just buy things because like they're also curating meals.

Yeah. That's happening. Once again, a nice restaurant will like change the menu often. Yeah. Okay. But is the food, let me ask you for the question. Is that, is that meat bad already? Are they like, hey, dude, we got like two days left.

We have too much of it. No, it's not necessarily that it's bad, but sometimes it is definitely the, the idea of a special is to that restaurant is to not lose money or lose product on the product. Right. So like, I think the idea of a special to me at least is like, it may not taste as good as you think because they're just throwing shit together.

But also like when a girl, when she's like, hey, the broccoli is going to go back. So let me make some food tonight. It's not just like the shitty broccoli. It's like, maybe she's like, I have a new recipe. I want to make room in the freezer. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Can't decide. You got me thinking about staff meal at work. Do you have a different way tables or anything? What were your jobs? Comedy store for a long time. And then I just like a bunch of tempings. So like I delivered, I mean summer jobs, but like job jobs. I worked at a health network.

It's an assistant for a while. Assistant for like a president and the vice president. Just got him coffee and shit. I hated it still. That's white collar shit. I'm not fucking, you're not out there with a roof and in the fucking summer. Oh, no.

No, I worked on international cemetery one year. You worked where? Only the national cemetery. Really? Yeah. That was my like white blue collarist job. I mean, damn digging graves. No, laying pipe.

Oh, yeah, he was taking these giant. Put them in the end. You fucking sick male. The for like the sprinklers or like the irrigation lie in the graves and shit. That was fun. When it was too hot, the graves would be real cool. The open graves.

They'd have openly ticked guards. You are a fucking weirdo. You and your friends and just chill out and shade. That's fucking. That's trash. That's trash. You're playing. Yeah.

Yeah. Man, see he's fucking, he's right there on the line and then all 16 can't get a read on this guy. Yeah. Um, all right, you're up big man. You ever been to Colonial Williamsburg? Oh, yeah. Oh, that's trashy.

Make push gardens. I think so. Yeah. Yeah. Did you guys ever go to a wax museum? Uh, I have been to one before not a family, but I have it the one in Hollywood. Uh, Madame Tussauds.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a shitty shitty. Yeah. That's a shitty. I could do a rent fair too, but I don't go every year. Would you guys go to Colonial Williamsburg and Bush Gardens

as like a whole squad? That was a family one time to Colonial Williamsburg with the cousins and everything. No, just just us. And I think I feel like it was an upscale trip at the time. You got to understand trash. Shit is different now than it was then. I'll give you that a little bit to fucking Bush Gardens was

trashed back in the eighties. Yeah. It's still trash today. Yeah. The Wicked Wolf or whatever the fuck. Take a fucking hike with that. I'll be a thorny park in the fucking lazy river. Yeah.

Good point. Maybe Colonial Williamsburg was actually always trash. I carried by you. Yeah. I just didn't think of it that way. Yeah. Cool. It's the part of vacation to watch somebody churn butter.

That's worse than Amish country because they're faking it. At least the Amish country. You're watching them do it. Yeah. That's what they told you the brochure you idiots. Yeah, some fake blacksmith hitting a hammer on a sword or something. See, I knew we were going to get all right.

We're getting them. We're getting them. Um, let's see. I got one. Have you ever asked the bartender what the cheapest beer is? I don't, I don't think so. Okay. Now you don't, you don't strike me as somebody that's cheap.

I looked for the cheapest beer on a board. Sure. That's different. But you're like, Hey, how much is a month later or something? Yeah. Don Adam and just ask. Oh, he doesn't. I'm sure he doesn't like go in and like, uh, think about it.

Yeah. That's tough. That's tough. That dude asking a bartender. They immediately. You're that's the first and last beer you're getting because they know they're not getting a good tip out of it. You know Brody Tommy.

Just go to the bar. I can drop a 10 or 20 right there. Like I'll figure out what I want in a second. That's for you. And just, uh, yeah. That's a classy. Yeah. And they can always get over poured, always get served first.

Yeah. That's good. I go like, if I'm going out with like a group of like, if we're like walking to a bar, I always hit them heavy the first time. Of course. You know, it's smart. You know, it's smart. And then they'll like, they at least, you know, I'm definitely not leaving

on my 20 or something, but like they're getting, they know me. They know there's, there's, there's water in the well daddy. Yeah. Yeah. The 10 of 20s. If you know, you're going to be there for like a few hours. Sure. But then I also too, as I get like lower late, it's like three

o'clock in the morning. I got zero tip on that. Yeah. I'm like, dude, come on. You, I've been wetting your beak all night. That's the first one in half. Can you loan me a five? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fucking cut that first 20. There's two 10s with those buybacks. Do you own a metal detector? I do not own a metal detector. No. A police scanner. No. Have you ever used a t-shirt gun?

I have not. No, I would like to. I'm sure who wouldn't. That shows garbage tendencies right there. Have you, were you, have you ever tried to learn or did you know at any point the devil sticks? I do them a little bit. That is a trashy kid.

I didn't get in trouble. I could do spin, spin, spin, spin. I could do up, down, up, down. Obviously I could do. Do that one. Yeah. I was a big devil stick kid. Fucking lose.

I know, man. That kid, nobody wanted to hang out with that kid. That's why you didn't need him. You're busy with the fucking one man sport. No, that's a chicken or the egg thing. They stopped hanging out with you. Would you juggle? Boom.

What? Would you juggle? Fucking canonized hair pink. Again, it was blue two days ago. What? What's he doing? Midlife crisis. Yeah.

Did you juggle? Did I? Can you? Yeah, I could juggle. I could juggle three. Have you ever juggled in public? Oh, yeah, sure, dude. Um, do you keep your batteries in the refrigerator?

Oh, he's juggling. Wow. That's a lighter, a paper clip and keys. That was pretty good. There's all very separate weights. He's like a big Jewish onion. This guy's got a lot of fucking letters. I had it for a minute.

Holy shit. Yeah, I'm not bad. I took that clutch book of a juggling. Remember that? He's pretty good. That's a couple. He stinks. What are you talking about?

He's fucking two awful ones. I need like weight. I know, dude. He's still been catching two. Oh, there we go. Oh, that's it. You got to get in the real. Once you hit that first rhythm, you can you can keep it rolling.

It helps if they're all the same size or weight. That's an old George Burns bit. I'm not buying it. That's pretty good. And it's not the fact that you can't juggle, but it's fucking garbage. If I walked through a park and looked over and saw you with the fucking devil sticks. Oh, yeah, dude, the devil sticks.

So that's tough to come back from. I got him. Yeah. Um, it was good. Do you keep your batteries in the refrigerator? Never. Oh, that's good. That's a garbage.

That's real trash shit. Is that even like work fucking banana? I don't know. Norman says no. He still does it though. Do you do you have a drawer with like ketchup packets and all that? Oh, what's always there's ketchup packets at your apartment now in New York City, probably like upscale your whatever accoutrements, but like should

I have in bottles? Okay. I don't need it. Whatever it is like came with delivery or something. Yeah. And then you're like, let's not waste it. I don't know who knows who knows when you'll need some ketchup. Have you ever cooked with leftovers with leftover takeout like combine

two dishes? Absolutely. Yes. Because I was poor for a long time. It's true. I get it. But how do you guys have to be garbage? Hey, how did beginning commerce get by in New York City?

Work. You got to work day jobs. Everybody for years. You have to even that. Like what kind of day jobs? Did you have a 22 that could fucking pay or 25 or whatever that could even like pay your rent here? Well, a lot of expensive here.

A lot of them. Yeah. I mean, you're like a lot of them are also just living in a room for like 600 bucks like on the way out. Like way up either up, uptown or fucking deep in Brooklyn and shit. Oh, six hundred you could swing. You can swing like, but like, yeah, you don't start getting paid in New York.

And then even when you know earlier than LA, you get paid here. But the costs are so much lower there. Yeah. But yeah, it's tough. It's tough for the first like fucking five years. Yeah. No, commerce don't make money in LA for five years. No, no, it takes a long time.

Yeah. Well, I mean, like even the ones that get on, it takes five years. You know what I mean? Here it's like, it's like, that's the guy who's out doing like fucking six mics a night. Damn. All right. Have you ever cooked eggs in the microwave?

Yes. Ari. See, come on recently trash. No, not recently, but like, what do you put it on a paper? What do you put in Tupperware or something? Well, one at Target, they had a egg poacher microwave egg poacher. That's trash. It was great.

You're trying to poach eggs in the fucking microwave. It's great. It works exact. You cover it and also. Yeah. Yeah. There's also a bacon thing in the microwave. I've heard that's good, but bacon.

Bacon's great in the microwave. I disagree. Disagree completely. Disagree. You're buying a fucking egg poacher at Target. That's trash. Come on. Yeah.

It made post eggs. What are you going to make post eggs? But that's the thing. The garbage just make the poached eggs. I don't want to make poached eggs. You don't do it in the microwave. I'll tell you that much. You boil some water.

You turn it off. You put a little bit of vinegar. Then you spin it around. Vinegar. Where'd you grow up? The fucking palace in England? Vinegar. You had it.

Shut up. Oh, shit. Have you ever played on a softball team? Yeah. Sure. Okay. Yeah. That's trash.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. The after work softball. Yeah. Yeah. That's real garbage.

Yeah. That's tough. I mean, unless it's like a beer where it's just like a fun, like, it depends. I feel like they can go either way, but I'm also trash. My dad did one for a long time. I'm just doing a softball team. It was great.

That's a little different. That's a community-based thing. Yeah. You guys, some of these questions are about a guy who no longer exists. What do you mean? I mean, a fucking dead Ari who's not here anymore. An old version.

You're judging them. Things are wildly different. You're still you, baby. That's it. I got you here. That's in you. You know, if you're talking about the background, that's one thing.

But if you're like judging me on like doing that now, I mean, I don't know. Make your own decision. You just juggled. You just juggled. You used the devil sticks. You watched your car with the squeegee, but you do got nine refrigerators at the house.

Do you have a car right now? No, I don't. You don't? What was your last car? When I left LA, I got rid of it. What was it? Honda Civic. Okay.

Release to purchase. Ooh. Release to purchase. Isn't that trashy though? I think that's trash. Rent to buy. That's that kind of thing. That's for the guy who just can't lease or buy a car.

I'd lease it for three years. Then I was like, I'll take it. Okay. Have you ever been a member of a studio audience? I have. What was it? Kimmel. We go to Kimmel all the time.

Our friend, Don Barris, did the warm-up. So we went all. Ah, that's respectable. It doesn't count yet. Yeah. Yeah. We went and saw Yam when she was on the... Whatever the fuck that was.

The view or not the view. Meredith Vieira. Yeah. We all went like me, Monroe. Yeah, sure. That's cool. Did you overly cheer for her and stuff? Yeah.

And then, but like the, the, the, the comic who was doing warm-up brought us down and like we just like ended up playing they, like the improv games and shit with them. Really? It was like fun. Yeah. Yeah. That's fun.

Yeah. That is fun. No, it's fun to be there. It was a good time. Just when you know somebody there. We got to meet Lance Bass, Lance Bass too. Really? There you go.

Yeah. I went to a good looking guy. It's fun. When you get out of towners or norm core people, take them into a studio audience and they're like, Yeah. Well, that's the trash. If your mind is blown, but like we went in, we're like,

oh, we need, this is fun, kitschy type thing, but people go there and they're like, I get the free radio today. Oh my God. How about the people who stand out in front of the today show and look in the window? Just to be like, is that fucking nuts? You came all the way to fucking New York City.

Imagine fucking t-shirts that say fucking Bill's birthday. You're like, hi, mom. Dude, I went to SNL and Che took me around like threw me a little tour afterwards and I was like, Oh, is that the door you come in? And there's nothing behind it. It's just like a wall. It's like a fake door.

And I was like, I come in through it and he goes, and he goes, I won't because I think it's bad luck. I think it's a jinx that you'll never be the one hosting if you come out. And I was like, oh, and then I was like, but can I do it? Let's put it to drinks. I'm like, dude, it's not going to. That's not on my.

I can see that though. What do you got, Kim? Okay. Have you ever used the chili cheese machine at a 7-Eleven? Come on. Yeah. Who hasn't? Yeah, that's.

I don't know what they put in that chili. But when you think about it, people, a lot of garbage people. Yeah. Oh, dude, that's why this podcast is successful because everybody's fucking trash. You know, garbage. It's a theory. I never been working on stage.

So I'll say it here. Garbage. It's just the n-word. Garbage people is the n-word. Dump them, dump them, dump them. That's their garbage people. And then you have like whatever the Long Island trash is. Jews have the Hasidics.

It's like everyone, every group and every like geographical area has their own garbage. We have like Long Island fucking, you know, whatever. Yeah. It's like Jersey trash. That's our version of like, that's not the East Village Metropolitan people. Sure, of course. But who's New York's garbage people?

It's that and there. Yeah. Or white trash is white people's trash. Yeah. Yeah? Garbage comes in all shapes and sizes. Yeah, it does. It really does.

And you see people pull themselves from garbage, but it's also like generational. Like you're like, I grew up like my family's garbage. So I'm garbage. So like my kids will be a little less garbage. Like if I do, if I get, because I'm learning and I'm like, because like you hang out with different people and you're like, oh, shit, you don't do that.

You don't, you know, it's like, all right, I got to stop fucking cleaning my car at the gas station. You grew up and you're like, oh, I didn't know that you shouldn't do it. Well, you also become shameful in it. Like if I ever caught my kid washing his car at the gas station, I would fucking hit him. I'd be like, dude, we don't fucking do that shit. Yeah, no way.

But dad, you did it. I'm like, I don't anymore. I did it. So you're not going to start. Yeah. We've come a long way. You know, my nephew, when he's picking his nose, like, don't be doing that.

You still do it while I'm in there. What? All right. So you're picking your nose. Well, let's go into this. You're picking your nose in the car. What do you do with it? You're by yourself.

I will occasionally eat more than I should. What? Yeah, I'm going to eat it. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait, not as much as in New York because, you know, it's dirty out here, but in general. Wait.

Yeah. I mean, I'm a booger eater. I'm not proud of it. But what? But I will admit it. Okay. He's got booger, booger eater right in all over his face. It's not the house seeds.

Have you put him in a lineup? He's a booger eater for sure. Wait. Oh, I'm eating him. Holy shit. You're garbage. I mean, for that, it's gross. You're hit us with this.

That's a dead guy. It's an old guy. I'm not like that anymore. You're eating fucking boobs. I understand it's problematic and I have a disease. It's part of my body. And if you shame me for it, it's body shame. All right.

Let's say, let's say the wet ones too. The wet ones? The wet ones. There'll be more of the wet ones. There's super dry ones. That's garnish. That's panko breading. All right, so say you don't eat it.

Let's live in a world where you don't eat it for some reason. You just had a big lunch, a big special or something. In the car, driving or something? Or in the car, what do you do with it? In the car, I will collect. Make a bigger and bigger ball. Eventually you get a ball that's big enough and you find a car nearby that makes you think worse about yourself.

Okay. BMW, Mercedes, anything like that. That goes on that car. Just a nice flick out the window and it'll stick. The proper etiquette is pick and flick. Where? Out the window or in your car? Of course, out the window.

Of course. I don't go under the seat, dude. Don't go under my seat. I'll tell you that. It looks like a bunch of isotopes. On a cold winter day, you're going to pick and then roll down the window? No, no, no. So come on, what are you doing?

Dude, I got caught the other day in a light. I had one in my hand. I had my hand out the window and I was rolling. What are you doing, buddy? And some dude was just looking at me. We were all like, try to like fake. I brought it back in and just held it down in the seat. What the fuck?

Dude, what do you want from me? Dude, you eat boogers. Jesus Christ. How often, we talked about this briefly. If you're cutting or trimming your nails, how often would you take out a nail clipper? You own a nail clipper? I do. Okay.

Got one in Barcelona. Oh, international. Yeah. I'm a soccer familiar and I'm one of the most beautiful temples in the world. I'll almost never use it. I just bite. You bite your toenails. Rip.

Wow. Yeah, toenails. You got to crack it down and you got to open it like a bag of cheese or something. But after the shower, they're way softer. She's just going to get started on the end. Just like a little bit, get a little crease going and then like, oh, nice and plain. It feels good. It feels good.

You got it all the way out. Yeah. I can feel it in my toes right now. I love it. I mean, are you, will you do that in front of people? Like if you're going to, if you're your girlfriend or wife or, or I don't know, I don't. Sometimes I'll lose sight of what I'm doing and I'll be picking at my toenail just like, you know, on the couch was like starting it.

And then I realized, I'm like, I better stuff. What about the booger reading? Have you ever done that in front of anybody? I don't have to gross them out on purpose, but not like, not casually. I know that's shitty. So you got to, you know, you got to keep it. You got to play close to the vest a little bit at the same time. Exactly.

Yeah. You can't just fucking broadcast in it. You got to have faults. You just know what they are. You know what's real fucking trash that I want to fight the person every time I see it. Yeah. As people cutting their nails, toenails or fingernails on the subway. That's crazy.

It's insane. That's crazy. So you wouldn't do that. You wouldn't. No way. That's not, that's you saying, I don't care about society. Yes. And this is, I'm in my own bubble.

That happens in New York only, not in London where it's also crowded, but it's only because we're all like, here were animals and we're like, no one else exists. Dude. That is a savage move. Savage. That's, I don't care. Eatin' on the subway. I don't care about, it's the most selfish thing.

Putting on makeup. You should be embarrassed. Yes. But doing value out of your mind. It's crazy. You're evil here. It's crazy. And dude, nobody will check that person.

They just do it. No way. It's like kind of no. I know. If it was your friend, you'd be like, what the fuck is wrong with you? What the fuck are you doing? If it's not someone you know, you're going to start a conversation with a person who's cutting his toenails on the subway.

Yeah. If he's willing to do that, he's got a nice one. I saw, I saw one guy doing it. It was faking. He was standin' across from me. He was making my fucking blood boil. And like making my blood boil. And then he fucking stops.

And I go, all right. Like I can calm down. I'm overreacting. Cause I'm a bit of a fucking hothead. So I'm like, all right. Just relax. You know. And then he pulls out a file and starts file.

I'm like, you're putting fucking fingernail dust in the air. That's pretty classy now. I'll give it back. No. That's fucking trash, dude. That's the classiest trash you've ever made. You're filing your nails. You're filing your nails.

It's a pedicure. That's a manicure, dude. People eating like food that will collect stuff too much. A sandwich or Doritos. I'm like, all right. It's bad, but I get it. Wet or something. Wet food.

Gross. No. You have that out just for particles. Eating spaghetti on the subways. Oh yeah. Animals. It's animalistic. Those fucking subways.

Putting like peppers on a sandwich. And like, what are you doing? Well dude, if you're like, yeah. It's like, once I'm in the subway, I'm like, my hands don't go near my face. Uh-uh. I'm like, it's, you know, and then, well you got people like fucking trying anything. Hoping up a pizza. And like eating it.

Like eating it upstairs. Yes. Why? You're underground with a bunch of dirt balls. Why are you? There's a guy fucking filing his nails and you're eating pizza. I'm pretty trashy. I'm pretty gross.

I'll buy churros down in the subway. I'll eat down there. Put on a little vacation. I'll eat them on the platform. But what really grosses me on, I don't get is the people that sell the mangoes in the Ziploc bags because a mango, like you got to take the whole, like it's the fruit. You got to take all the skin off. How are you touching that and negotiating that into the bag?

Yeah. Oh no. Yeah. People fucking eat that. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. You got to cut it and slice it into little cubes.

Yeah. Too thick. You can't cut a mango when I get mango all over you. Dude, the fucking trash. The fingernail thing killed me. Have you ever been to a monster truck show? No. I have.

I would. So much fun. Is it? A lot of hot fucking chicks. No. Dude, I swear to God, me and my buddies were sitting around and it was, it was on the TV. They were like, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. We were hungover and it was fucking Sunday.

We're like, let's fucking go, dude. And we went down and dude, the amount of hot chicks was insane. Really? Yes. Really? Yes. Legit hot or you could get hot. Like shocked that they were there.

Like they weren't fucking 10s. They're not LA 10s or whatever, but like hot chicks. Wow. But you're like, what the fuck is she doing here? Yeah. It brings out weird fucking. Like kid rock groupie kind of. Kind of.

Like a little, like, you know, like they're. That's hot t-shirt torn down. Yeah. You know, like the booty shorts. Yeah. Yeah. April Macy. When April Macy started comedy.

Dental hygienist school didn't work out too well. Yeah. Probably some issues with her dad or her uncle. Oh man. Some highlights in the hair. Smells like smoke and perfume. Maybe a little, little gum. Sexy.

A little bit of stubble around the mouth. What was it? Let's go with the short shot and go like this with a gun. Oh yeah. Yeah. Trash. When, uh, when was the last time you had Mountain Dew? Not this year.

Last year. Do you drink some beer? What? Nah, occasionally. Don't we not? Nah. And you eat pretty good too, right? I eat one.

I try to eat one healthy meal. Four or five days a week. And then like the rest just whatever I want. Just shovel shit in my mouth. Yeah. You got a tight body on you. That's good genetics. Yeah.

It's good genetics. Honestly. I eat worse than you do probably. Yeah. Cause you're older too. Like it catches like, I have like friends. Like when you get 30 it slows down. Yeah.

Oh yeah. No way. No way. I eat the same as everybody. I know exactly. I hate when a fact I hit you with that. I don't even eat that much. It's like maybe in public.

You don't eat that much. Maybe not those. But when you get home, you're fucking doing it. Or they're telling you to like, you don't eat that much, but you eat more often. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You would save small meals. I only eat once like a pizza five times a day. Yeah. Yeah. Fatness is definitely, that is, it is something that you do alone. Oh yeah. A hundred. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. It is shameful. It is shameful. He used to eat on the way to go eat. If you meet people to go eat, he'd eat food, take out, or drive through on the way so then he could in front of people and just go, no.

No. Yeah. Just having a little bit of whatever. Oh really? Yeah. He gets, we talked, I think we talked about this on. That's like mental. On Legion of Skanks.

You do. What? He gets off the subway in Queens. He'll get a burger to go because they're like little burgers from like Petey's Burgers. Shout out to Petey's. And then eat them while he walks to the pizza place to get a slice of pizza. Wow.

Hold on. Oh no, you were your way worse than me. Okay. So I'm hungry. Yeah. All right. It's my meal time. Yeah.

That is my meal. It's grazing time. Wait. Put them out to pasture, baby. The burger and the pizza are my lunch. Okay. That's two things. That's not a lunch.

And you get two Petey's on the way to get sliced? No, I get one. One Petey, one double and then a slice. Do you know Petey's? I just heard about it recently. It's not really in Manhattan though, is it? No. It used to be out next to the standing room.

There used to be one out next to the standing room as well. Yeah. I'll stop there. I get off the subway, 30th Avenue, walking down. Petey's is right there. I grab a fucking double burger. I say, don't put it in a bag. Don't even wrap it up.

Just eat it. Just give me it in an Afghan. Great for the environment. Let's give credit where credit is due. He's watching his waist. So I like walking down the street and eating. I don't know. I feel like I'm in a movie when I do that.

I'm going to do it. It's called the Nutty Professor. Destination is the problem. Yeah. Exactly. Okay. So I walked down the street to a bookstore. Next to my apartment is a pizza place that I like.

So I'll get one burger and a slice of pizza. What's the difference? How many times is it one burger and more than one slice? A single and a slice maybe, but you're getting a double. And I'm going to guess more than once, two more. Yeah, for sure. A specialty. Sure.

He's not getting laid. He's not getting laid. I'm not walking away. Now that's a burger, pizza, and pasta dish. Yeah. They put it all together. That's a big lunch. That's a big lunch.

I like a big lunch. The ZD Slice anywhere is fucking great. I love it. Dude, I just had, we were hanging out in the village drinking and went and got a grandma slice from Ben's that I haven't had in months. Fresh one? Oh yeah. Big corner slice.

So how great is this fucking pandemic where those little things are like, oh yeah, this place is awesome. Dude, yeah. The bar that we always get drinks at in the village shade. It's on like, it's right on third. We're like hanging out there and then went to get a slice of pizza. I'm like, oh, I feel normal again. I'm like, this is, this is comedy in New York.

Yeah. For a minute, it feels totally normal. He's like, yeah. You forget it. And then like the first week here in New York, whatever, where you're like, this is the greatest. I can do that. I can just do this.

We're going to burger and a pizza and whatever. This guy's fucking sidetracking us again because we were getting close to him. Yeah, he does. He pivots real quick. He does. He's got a good pivot. Yeah. Guys, you can see bonus features on Are You Garbage?

Patreon. Check us out there. He's smoking weed again. Really support. Lois, come get him. What? Now, did you leave the house with the roach? I would say that is garbage.

Yeah. You're also fucking successful. I'm probably got a bunch of weed at the house. I know I do, but I was like, I don't want to open the whole thing. I see one. I'll grab it and it's good. And what happened? That's trash.

You guys want some? How come you're still smoking? You're not on the drops of the gummies or anything like that? Well, I mean, I'm not everything. He's, he don't discriminate. All on the drops of the gummies. It's not fucking Rogaine. It's taking lots of stuff.

Shout out to hymns.com. I just got my shipment in. But you still prefer to smoke a joint? Yeah, sometimes it's great. It's old school. He likes to feel a knife going. It only hits for 30 minutes, you know? You know what's really trashy?

When smokers clip their cigarettes and put it back in the pack. That's trashy. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So you open it up and you ever borrow a cigarette from people? What the fuck is this? Dude, yeah. It's like you're smoking another, somebody else's castrate.

Ugh. Yeah. Throw it away, dude. I know. Did you use the smoke? For a little while. For a little while. I got this when I worked the door at the store.

Okay. After a while of being around, that's where everyone would go smoke and eventually you just like started. Sure. Sure. It's definitely a social thing comedy. Yeah. Five years top.

I might get you with this. So you were poor probably at the time. Okay. Right? Probably not a lot of cash. No, not a lot of cash. Would you see a cig on the ground that someone had flicked to pick it up and smoke it? I know, but I have looked for that before.

Oh, looking for it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, dice would always like not use, he would chew on a cigarette and throw him out. So you could find a good dice one. Wait a minute. He wouldn't like, he would chew on them. Yeah.

He didn't want to smoke. He didn't want to smoke for a long time. But he'd still like to do in this and occasionally that needs to just chew on it for about the amount of time it took to smoke a cigarette and then you flick it out and get another one. It was crazy. And they were like Benson Hedges. So fucking dice brand.

Yeah. And he would always do that. And so it was the option where sometimes ask a really annoying person to borrow a cigarette and know that means he's going to want to talk to you for like a week or two or like, I mean, look on the ground first and see if there's any like dices. Yeah. You probably had it. They probably wanted to talk to you too because you were the adult, like you worked there.

All here. The other annoying door guys. Fat James in particular. You could take him. He's dead. I can talk about him. Shout out to Fat James. Shut up.

Fat James. Rest in peace. Big Bam. Shout out to Fat Foley too. Yeah. That was the two options. It's like, fuck that's fucking trashy. Yeah.

That is. Damn. I've made some mistakes. That's a homeless guy. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we did it when we were like 12 or I never did it, but my friends would like we would be like skating.

Wait, they'd be all flat from being like someone would walk into like to the, you know, we'd be outside of like a, I was like Crazler's or Crazler's fucking like quickie mark. And somebody would like hop out of their car, flick the sig and walk in. And my friends would like go because we were like looking to smoke and like grab it and fucking smoke. I never, I could never bring myself to do that now. Oh, dude. Imagine.

It seemed okay. I know. Cause we're doing that. It still seemed bad, but I don't know. I don't even, and I'm disgusting. We know this, but I don't, I don't like sharing a suit and somebody says, Hey, let me get a dragon that. Oh no.

I'll give you one. No, I don't want a whole one. I don't want to fuck. I'll give you one. Whatever you want. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. For sure. Because there's two things that gross me out. One is the, the wetness of, of somebody else's saliva on it and two joints. Some people pull cigarettes really hard and they hand it back to you and it's like burning hot. Like what the fuck? It's like giving you a hot piece.

Especially when that borrowers that I just want one puff. You want two. So you go, you know, you go. Yeah. You make a cow. Sure. Yeah. Smoking a fucking cigarette.

Yeah. If you're sharing cigs, what are we doing here? You know what they should make? They should make hazy cigarettes. Little guys. They do have, they do have little guys. They do make the 72's. Marvel makes the 72's.

They're smaller, but like. I mean, like take a regular cigarette, put that amount of whatever, but like, you know, how it's like this long. Sure. Just cut it right there and have filter. Yeah. They do have a 40 pack of hazy's. Oh, yeah.

Same size even. Get down. Get that. Get that. Get that. Somebody invented that shit. Patented. Who's the fun Dylan?

Get on. Get on. Call Phillip Morris. Do you. Eat peanut butter and jelly. I sometimes, yeah. Have you ever gotten peanut butter and jelly that came in the same jar? I have before in my life.

You have bought it. Yeah. Well, well, well, Mr. 1250 over here. Oh, that's a 1350 still buying his PB and Jack in the same fucking. See another shop. It was innovative at the time. You're like, let me at least check it out. All right.

Let me see what it is. I'll give you the innovation aspect. I'll give it to him. It was a brand new product. That's a good case. It seemed like it was just genius or not. I don't know. I just made it.

It was called Goober's. It was like 10 bucks the thing and every kid fucking wanted that. I'll give you that. Because yes, it did look cool. I mean, well, you get a while. I'll give you a one time. Let me see. And then it's like, no, no, I'll get my own.

Yeah. I'll put it on my own levels. One time. Thank you. For sure. You'd be crazy. Not to at least examine it. That was.

Yes. They've been separated for millennium. Generations. And then they're suddenly in a jar. You're fucking the assholes. Like, I'm not even going to give it a try. Yeah. No.

I love when we get them on one. He gets so mad. What time? It's been 15 years or more. I'll give you that. You got it. That's a pass. That's a pass.

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Gang that sheathunderwear.com use promo code garbage. And let's get back to the show. Do it. Um, growing up, would you guys do or at any point, like, you know, your 20s or whatever, were you more of a Domino's or Pizza Hut guy or family? Because there's a big difference. We were worth the next two years. We couldn't get out of one of those.

No pizza. I worked at Domino's later, but we had a, we had a Jaffa gate for a while. It was the upscale pizza place and the Harry's nut house pizza, which still exists. It's the one, some of the worst pizza in the world. Harry doesn't know his way around the pie. What is it? It's kosher, but it's just terrible. It's just salt as the main ingredient.

It's, it's pretty good right out of the oven by the end of the slice is already congealed. And it's just like, dude, that just made my blood run cold. Yeah. And you're like, oh, I'm glad I got a second. And you're like, it's just that hard. Oh, it's so bad. And it's like dirty there. It's like always getting shut down because of roaches and shit.

And then like, oh, dude, I'll deal with a roach or a mouse for a good slice. Like if Joe's or somebody had it, I would do it. But for Harry's, you know what I mean? That's good. I wanted to talk about my moons. He goes, I'll do this. I'm like, stop, stop, stop. I'm not going to not go there.

So just, I don't want to hear any of this. My moons. So good. My moons or something else. I miss that when New York was shut down. I miss that. They're like cheap. What were they?

Like, you know, five bucks or something. That place in the, in Percy's pizza on that's a solid dollar. That kept us alive. For the first two years living up here. 100%. Still dabble to go back to go back to the old stuff and ground. You know what I mean? I took a cat.

I was here with Rogan once open for him. I took a cat from like midtown to my moons just to get it there. Wow. I would do that too. If you were just here for the, you know, if you were just in town. All right. Let's stay on food a little bit. Yeah, go for it.

I want to know if you've ever taken ketchup and mayonnaise and mix it together and made Russian dressing out of it. You got to change these questions from ever to often or when's the last time you ever is just like, you have put in an umbrella. Catch up. People who have done it once and people who do it every single day of their lives. Oh gee. What a giant umbrella you've made.

That's crazy. What's the answer? How often Mr. Shafir, when was the last time? Once maybe ever have I missed them together and it's been well over 15 years. Okay. All right. Okay. All right.

You can't put me with those people. All right. You stuck your toe in the water. When's the last time you had a booger? I mean, I do that a lot. I will admit to that. I will admit to that. Okay.

All right. Okay. If not today. What's, yeah. Oh. All right. Sure. That one you got me on.

He's so pissed dude. It's just some of these questions are ridiculous. How do you ever, it's nuts. Have you ever shed your pants? Yeah. When I was a fucking kid. But also an adult. So that you can judge me on.

That's going to go on the file. Have you shed your pants as an adult? So many times. Like full shit? Really? Like, no. Like act like, I mean just like a little shit. No, no.

Unload. Like this much or more. What? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. One time for sure. Hard.

And then yeah. I definitely feel like not just, you know, when it doesn't just line the under, like not skid marks, but like, it's like shit though. But like, like that level, but then like long, you know, Well, that's not that bad. I took that dump in my pants. When? About a year ago.

Why? I was, I was working on something and I had just gotten done and I was too. What does that mean? Working on something that sounds so big when you're just talking about something horrible. He played a fat guy or something. I was working on the show and I was too scared to shit in the trailer because I was leaving.

Okay. Like I was done for the day and I really had to go and we were filming out in Republic Airport in Long Island. So it was about an hour to get home. And I really had to go and I got stuck in traffic and I was dying. I was dying. And I got the car parked and I got about 25 yards to my apartment and just stopped.

No. Just shit in my pants. You got all the way back? Yeah. Didn't make it. It was halfway back. You'd be like, I didn't have a chance. I didn't have a chance.

I was so close. So close. You know, you can fight it. You get that like. The closer you get, the worse it gets. Oh yeah. It's like you start, do you start fumbling with the keys? You got a turtle head popping.

And it wasn't, it was a full shit. Like you could feel my underwear much heavier. Really? I've never done that. I had to throw everything out. It was awful. It's like a murder. Oh, it sucks.

So bad. The underwear is done. Everything was done. The pants are proud. If I left, I know him standing up too. Yeah. They shouldn't have stopped to get the burger though. I'm wearing the jeans that I shit my pants.

Are you really? Yeah. Yeah. I saved my jeans. Yeah. Cause I had to get back. And then once I got back, I chucked them. Would you just wash them?

You got to wash your dryer at home? No. He took them somewhere. I put them in the shelves. I was, I threw my underwear out. He's trashed. You're crazy. Those jeans are done.

You're crazy. You're crazy. What? The bad juju on those jeans to begin with. You don't know how hard it, I mean the bad luck you have. Yes. For that reason alone. But also you did shit all over them.

No. I put them right in the shower and washed them. Those jeans are done. Yeah. So you could throw them away. Yeah. So they don't smell in the kitchen. Throw the shower.

You don't know how hard it is for a fat guy to find a pair of jeans that fit perfectly. It's hard. You ever shit in the tub? No. Yeah. I thought I was farting and it wasn't. What are you? A 90 year old man?

Yeah. You get the small ones when you sit. Yeah. I pictured it like a gold stream. It was like phew. It just came out. I thought it was real. I just thought it was real.

You wanted your initial action to be like no, no, no, no, no. Like try to put it back in or something. But it's, I mean it's in there like swimwear. As a kid. My wife was upset. What? You did this recently? Have you done that recently?

Yeah. I've done it as adult wise. Yeah. It was within the last five years. Why were you taking a bath? I take baths. Oh, dude, I draw a mean bath, dude. Get yourself, first of all, go get yourself a fucking robe too.

That'll change your mind. I got a big blue robe. Oh, it's so good. Big Tommy Hilfiger robe. Bath? No one bothers you. You can justify being in there. Read, joint.

Dude, I get like the iPad going or something. Oh, yeah. Or some tunes going. Sometimes I'll have a glass of wine. Yeah. Oh, come on. Glass of red wine. Throw in a bath bath.

Dude, everyone leaves you alone. Yeah. If you live with a chick, she's not allowed to touch you because that's her dream. She understands how fucking great it is. Of course. Dude, I'll turn the lights off. Get like the iPad going or laptop. Some glass of wine.

And like, dude, she'll like show me my girl. Like the candle. Light a candle. And I'm just, dude, full blown fucking. It's great. It's great, dude. Big bath guy. Holy shit.

I want to get both of them. If I had a dream apartment, it would have a bath that I could really just like. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Dude, with the claw feet. That's whatever. You know what I mean? Yeah.

That's real. I just don't sit in them and it's annoying. Sometimes you got to go legs up like that. It's just not as fun. Mm hmm. I got a big, deep one though. It's nice. Yeah.

It's great. I'm going to have one today. Dude, I want to, we got a place in Hawaii. We're staying there. So I'm like Airbnb and shower was outside. And then they had a bath for the outside hours all blown on some fucking. It's like tree farm or something. That's pretty.

Sit back there and just look at the stars. Oh, God damn. That's good. You are an outdoorsy guy. You love the outdoors. Yeah. Man of the wilderness. I love that camping.

Yeah. Let's do drugs. Camping is pretty good. I like how you were about to judge us for the bath. But we went so hard on it. Yeah. You were like trying to stay. Yeah.

I don't fit though. Yeah. Okay. Well. He painted her fatso. He didn't stick to it. It was nice. I wish I could take a bath.

I think I only got one or two left here. Let's see. Let's make them worth it. Let's make it worth it. Not like what wasn't worth it, which is what Greg Fitzsimmons kids did. Jesus Christ. Dump it. Grant Collar.

Grant Collar. You ever call it a sports radio show? Yeah. Yeah. When the WTEM started in North Carolina, Maryland, we used to have corn hives on our show on late night. And there was like no listeners. We'd get in regularly.

And just like what? Chop it up about sports? He started to recognize your name after a while. We got Ari down here in Maryland. Ari and my brother's name from Maryland. Yeah. No. Our summer spring was back then.

That's bad. Yeah. They would just know you. No one would listen to it. It was a brand new radio station. It was fucking awesome. Yeah. What about Time Share?

No, I've never done that. You ever sell them? No. I've never sold them. Have you ever gone to a pitch for one to get a free weekend? Not even done that. Hmm. I would probably have gotten roped into that at some point if somebody hit me at the right

time. It was like, Hey, yeah, come for a weekend. All right. Sounds okay. I guess. And then you're just there. Dude, I don't know what it is. It's like the blue collar garbage in this in me that it's like any.

I just, my family just goes. Yeah. I don't care what you have, but it ain't for me. Yeah. Like if there's no way it benefits me, you wouldn't be stopping me or be like, Hey, come here for the weekend. Absolutely not. It's never going to be good.

Yeah. And the thought, the reason you're older is like, well, what are we rude? What if it is good? You know, if it is good, they'll find someone else to get it. Of course. So like who gives a shit? Yeah. We had the, I know this happens in New York, but we had the person show up at my parent's

house when I was home the last couple of weeks. To switch our power over. Yeah. From, from Pico to just other things. Some third party. She was so, she's like, well, if you just give me their, you know, I was talking to your dad before, is your mom or dad here? I'm like, no, they're not interesting.

Cause you know, she's trying to fucking hustle them. She's like, well, if you just give me their names, I can sign them up. I'm like, they kept the fuck out of my lawn. What's the matter with you? That's a fucking piece of shit. They signed me up. These two. Yeah.

That's what I was thinking. Cause in like, in the city, they just get into the building and they're like young, you know, like fucking, they just like knock on the door and he's like, Hey, can I, you have, he goes, Hey, I'm from the power company. And I'm like, Oh yeah. I'm like, no, you're, I'm like, he goes, let me see your bill. I'm like, I don't want to sign you up for some fucking company. They go, you have to, right?

Don't they say you have to? Yeah. I'm like, dude, I don't want to. I'm like, now I'm good. He goes, well, let me just see your bill. He goes, I'm not, I'm not offering anything. I just need to see your bill. I go, what do you need to see my bill for?

And he goes, we just got to make sure you're getting the right, you know, what a meter readage or something like that. Now, man, I'm good. He goes, dude, we just need, and then he's like, my manager is right here. And it's just like some other person, some other teenage kid. And I'm like, I don't fucking know him or you. Yeah. So I was all the rooms.

They say, no, we're here collecting data for whatever. And I'm like, I don't know. The two I saw were both blacks. So I felt like, I'm not trying to be racist here. I have no time for this. You signed up for it. But they signed me up. Without, without, they just got somehow got my address or something.

Like you have to. I'm like, you'll be back. I'm leaving right now. I don't know. If it's that important, you'll see me again. Or somebody kick him out of the building too. I'm like, Hey, you don't live here. And this package is here.

Yeah. You are those people. Yeah. What a great scam. Of course. They might as well. We have the power company. You get.

Oh, you know who I got called by yesterday that I used to do. This is a real scam shit. So you know, like the fraternal order of police. They're like, you know, you'll get like the bumper sticker or the sticker for the back of the window. Like, Hey, friend of the cop or whatever. Like it's because they raise money. You have to donate to get one of those stickers.

But cops can't call. Cops and fire departments can't call and try to raise money. Because that's a comfort of interest. Yeah. Because it'll be like, Hey, you know, you better hope there's no fucking. What? You know, so there's just, they're not allowed to do it. So they sub it out to these fucking dirt bags to dirt bags.

Call centers. And I did it. And I didn't know it was like, Hey, I needed the money. It was like paid training 500 bucks a week for the first two weeks. I'm like, well, there's a thousand bucks in the next two weeks. That's all I need. So I show up. It's under 95 in Philadelphia.

It's like under the highway. And I'm like, what the fuck can we walk in? And here they call and you've got it. You don't say you're a cop. But you would like a loot. They change your name. They go, what's your name? I go, Kevin, he goes, ah, you're going to be Jim McNulty.

So I'm like, Hey, what's up? This is McNulty. I'm calling. I'm calling. I'm like, Hey, what's up? This is McNulty. I'm calling with the, you know, the sheriffs, whatever, like, and you got to be real vague. And people, you just fleece these old women out of the money.

And then they send a van to go pick up the money. It's so fucking shady. Yeah. And then they got a friend of the cop. Don't give me a ticket. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You know, those stickers, I'll get, you know, for, for a hundred bucks, I'll get you a sticker.

And then the police only get 50% of it. Wow. We get the rest because they look, oh, well, 50% of nothing. You know the fucking Susan G. Coleman NFL ones. You know how much they get? It's three percent of three percent goes to fucking breast cancer research. That's the biggest scam.

NFL gives 3% to the Susan G. Coleman foundation. If you sky buy a hundred dollar Jersey, three dollars goes to Susan G. Coleman. Okay. All of the three dollars goes to Susan G. Coleman. Only nine cents goes to breast cancer research.

The other goes to paying people who work. Yeah. Marketing. Fucking all that. Yeah. The team that's on the NFL project, their salary. What the fuck? We're all right.

Nine cents of your hundred dollar Jersey. We're all fucking trash. All right. I think I just got one more. Oh, this is how do you feel about the rotisserie chicken from a supermarket? Bingo. Okay. I haven't got that in a very, very long time.

What are your thoughts and feelings? Really good. If somebody ever said like I've gotten that, I'm like, that is really delicious. And it's like four bucks for a whole bird. So juicy. Dude, you can make a whole meal of it carb free, pretty much. For sure. Get a veggie side or something.

Good. It's so juicy. You think so too, right? Oh, wow. But you know it's embarrassing. You can't really say that. It's a garbage thing. If you're, yeah.

When you see somebody with one of those fucking little bubbles in line, you're like, this fucking dirt bag. But I tell you what. But you know it's good. You're still like, ugh. Yeah. Dude, they are so good. You would never admit it.

I'm the same way when I catch someone picking their nose. I'm like, ew. Yeah, exactly. It's judgment. Yeah. If you guys have stuff that you know is awful, but like you still like, I know, but I love it. Oh, yeah.

It's a good thing in general where you're like, I know this is terrible. You're right to judge me on it, but yet I still like it. Yeah. Smelling my own farts. That's a big one. Everybody likes their own. What is that? I don't know.

It's in you. It's party. It's like having a little kid or something. Weird. But I love it. But anybody else is like, ugh. Yeah. It's tough.

I like the pink. The musician. Oh yeah. For sure. Dude. Yeah. For sure. Yeah.

We should not. No. You got to think about it. She's got these like fucking million dollar producers behind it to know how you to know what kind of music tickles the brain. Yeah. But that's not that. It's not supposed to tickle my brain.

I know. But it's a math equation. It's not up to your brain. Your ear just goes, this is what humans. This is catching. Yeah. I like how he admitted that. That was something.

That one comes out of constant. I'm like, who is this? This is great. Like pink. I'm like fucking again. All right. This is my last one. This is a common one.

What's the closest grocery store you go to? Closest grocery store. Always closest or Whole Foods. There you go. That's class. I'll give you that. New York. It's New York's proximity.

But if you get the whole food you go to. I would not say closest. I would say the closest Whole Foods is the one I will go to. Okay. Do you keep your ketchup after you open it in the fridge or in the cabinet? Bottle of ketchup. Fridge. Okay.

What about syrup? What? Keep it in the fridge? You keep it in the cabinet? I almost never have syrup. Okay. What about butter? Look at them.

There's syrup in my house. I mean, Ari, what the fuck? And it's in the cabinet like a goddamn gentleman. I keep my syrup where it should be at the restaurant I go to to get breakfast food. At the diner, yes. What? Where do you keep the butter on the counter or in the refrigerator? I'm pushing for counter, but it's always been fridge.

Wow. But I didn't become more European lately and they keep it out. That's trash. They keep it on top of the fridge. Columbia, on top of the fridge. It's dairy though. Soft. You said it was European.

Yeah. Europeans also keep their eggs on the fucking shelves. I don't know what they're doing. How about on these high level fucking fridges that are out now, we get a setting for just butter, which is higher than the rest of the fridge. This guy's a fucking idea, man. Close. Come on.

Keep it in a cool 60, 50, 55 maybe. That's a fucking great idea. Right. Open it from the inside or the out or whatever. A little butter sweet. Let's invent that. Come on, Ari. That's pretty good.

Cabsies, cigarettes. All that. Yes. Good invention. All right. Last question. How often? Yeah.

When was the last time? Yeah. You can't ask whatever. You had breakfast for dinner. I'll have it occasionally at diners. Have you ever made it? No. Like made scrambled eggs after 7 p.m.

I mean. That's trash if you're doing it. Maybe after Shavas once in a lot, but not even that. That's a breakfast food. It's food for breakfast. Dad moved too. Breakfast for dinner. I'm a big divorced dad move.

If it drunk, you hit me in the fast food and suddenly I'm like, what? The breakfast is still available? Then maybe. Oh, yeah. Fuck that. But the gloves are off if the McGriddles are hot. Suddenly at 10 p.m. I'm like, whoa, I never get this. Oh.

McDonald's started doing that, man. That blew my fucking mind. I loved it. I will not go to McDonald's anymore. No. I haven't been to McDonald's in fucking 15 years. How come? It's disgusting.

It's trash. It's not food. I think I think it's like a sandwich just got like that fucking yellow grease on it. Yeah, it's like what? Nothing's in this shape. I think it's delicious and they make a quality fine product. The ribs are in rib shape with bone in, but they're all edible. If you get to make rib, you're trash.

I stop at the Shamrock shake. That's where I go with the novelty items that make it. No, it's all trash. I'm fucking quarter pounder, nothing. All right. Ari Shafir. What's your verdict? He's fucking garbage.

Eat boogers. That was it. That's the determining factor. 100 percent. You got a couple of blemishes. I used to do it. You said you regularly. What was the last time you ate a booger?

No, that happens all the time. You're right on that. I'm just saying some of these questions. Let me fucking beat. I don't know. Whatever. Sure. Well, we're working.

We're working. I see these people. What kind of friend are you? Would you bail somebody out of jail? Would you drug a friend? No, you're right. Those people are also trash. Would you drug a friend?

Yeah, absolutely. I'm a good friend. Free drugs. If they knew they were going to enjoy it, for sure. Sure. I've always gotten that vibe from me that. You're a good guy. You're not a bad guy.

You're a great guy. That's right. That's different. You're going to be a good guy who's trash. Yeah, you're a good guy. If somebody came in here and like. Yeah, you're right. You're right.

I'm wrong. Those are bad questions to ask. Are you garbage? You're a good guy. Have you had him on yet? We did it. We played on Lesionist Gangs. OK, because I mean for sure.

He's trash. I can't wait to hear his growing up still. Oh, yeah. But him now. I mean, he's. He's still. He's still. He still walks in that world a little bit.

You see that. You're like, sometimes I'm over there at his house and I'm like, we're talking. I'm like, it's just like, he's like, what? I'm like, how are we friends? All his fucking books on his shelf are autobiographies of sports. Yeah. That's awesome.

I go, I'm like, what novels do you have? It's like novels. No vows. Joe Namath fire. Yeah. It's OK. The Brian Dawkins. Life in times of beat.

Dawks. Bernard Hopkins on Bernard Hopkins. I'm leaning. Great guy. Great guy. Of course. Garbage human. Great guy.

Great comics. Yeah. You're you're all you're like a fucking Robin Hood to younger comic. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. Everybody loves you.

What do you mean? You gave all that shit away when you moved. You've just posted a sign in New York Comedy, New York Comedy Club's green room. Hey, if you need something, get my address. Yeah, come get it. Get my address. You guys didn't get anything, did you?

No, I don't remember seeing it. Yeah. I'm not that trash. I'm not taking trash bags. Trash. Trash. Come on. It wasn't trash.

No, I know. It was good stuff. Everybody that showed up was garbage. What? Everybody that showed up. No, they're just poor. It's so hard to be a fucking new, new comic. That's tough.

You gave away a computer, I think. Yeah. Was it an Apple? That's fucking a class. A grill? Fucking yeah. An entire gas grill. Who took the grill?

Some guys had a fucking rooftop in Brooklyn. Oh, OK. You got to take care of the young comics. Instead of throwing it away, let them know the stuff they trashed. Fucking come get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's perfect. You're a good man.

Were you guys ever poor poor when you started comedy? Or were you just like, do you just have to do it? Dude, I'm poor, poor, poor now. What the fuck? I owe easy pass like 700 bucks. You seem like you have money, H. What? Don't let the shirt fool you.

You seem like you have a decent paying. If you still have a day job, you seem like you have a decent paying one. No, no day job. And then bad paying comedy. No, I was doing good. Up until the pandemic. Oh, really? The acting.

Yeah, you said you said you seem like you have money. I mean, I would do it all right. Money from like fucking not being able to pay the rent. Right. I mean, like you could get as many beers as you want tonight and you won't think about it financially. I would do that either way. I'm really bad.

That's why yeah. I'm garbage like that. If I have $20, I'm spending $20. Yeah. And then I'm waking up the next morning in a panic. Oh, my God, what am I going to do? Oh, yeah. I do.

I'm the king of if I have 100 bucks on my account, I'm like, I'll spend 50 and then take a $40 Uber home and it's tomorrow's problem. Yeah. What a fucking idiot you guys are. Yeah. I can budget this shit better. It's New York.

You can't. I mean, like if you want to drink a beer, six months. People are like, we're going out to eat. Do you go or do you go? I'll go. Yeah. I mean, I have my just spend it poorly. I have cash.

I just spend it. You're not in danger of like, oh, I don't know how I'm going to make rent in two months. It's possible. I won't. No. I mean, yeah. Plus my parents have some cash.

And you make all that money for the Patreon. And we got Patreon cooking. Yeah. I mean, you got to do it. You got to do it in practical jokes day to get like the tenderloins when they're on tour. Yeah. Yeah.

That's why they tore the tenderloins. Go to patreon.com slash all you trash. Yeah. We're going to be torn as kippy in the fat. So, so Louis doesn't get his hands on it. Yeah. Baldi and the fat man. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just have that. Unaffiliated with gas digital. Yeah. Never heard of them. But if you are going to sign up for gas digital use promo code

R beak a little bit, you want too many. I'll show you the contract. All fair. Yeah. Details. This guy wants everything out in the open. I like that. He thinks I have a little cash on me.

You always seem like you were fine. Finally, you weren't like worried. Like some people are like, fuck like Bernstein. He doesn't look like he has a dollar to spend on the sandwich. You know, you know what I mean? You seem like you're fine. Like I'll fill my car with gas. There's no big deal.

Sure. Sure. Put it on the card. Yeah. Are you not? I'm doing fine. I'm my parents. I have my parents.

I'm not going to be destitute. He's in bad shape already. I ain't going to lie. I'm not doing great. It's pandemic. Fuck me up a little bit. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ari Shafir.

Ari, is there anything you want the gang out there to know? Anything coming up? Yeah. Where's the camera? Guys, I'm running for the president of Legion of Skanks. Oh, yeah. I will do the best job. A lot of people come and they say, I'll do this.

I'll do that. It's not a. Okay. Listen, Lewis is going to continue running it because he's never going to not run it. So that should get run as is. Right. Nothing will change with your voting for him or against him.

He gets guests in all that shit. I'm just there to make the idea of president a lot more fun. I will only fuck with it when it's funny or when I think it's going to be great. But who else does the best shit? You know, I'm going to come in there. I'm going to fuck up their ad reads. I'm going to do what I can to really have the most fun with it for myself. You guys are not going to be the ones that matter to me.

I'm going to do it for myself. So please vote for me, the Legion of Skanks presidential elections, and I'll continue to fucking satisfy you guys with constant mayhem. Thank you very much. Well said. All right. Your fear for president. Fuck Lewis.

Well said. What's all about that? What a fun, interesting episode, man. Guys, great podcast. Thank you. Whatever help you need to spread the word. I'll fucking do it. I'll put it on my Instagram.

I got a lot of followers. Great. Thank you. Yeah. Appreciate it so much. Yeah. I don't know what else I'll mention on my podcast that I'm on it. Awesome.

Thank you, buddy. What do you got? Tell the gang out there. Guys, just make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes and YouTube as well. Full video available there. And if you want to sign up for guest digital, you get the episodes ahead of time. You get the live stream, the chat, all that good shit. Plus you get the library of all the other shows, all the Legion of Skanks from the past

like fucking nine years. You can go back and listen to all them. Use promo code AYG and ship us a couple of bucks. You know what I mean? That's right. And make sure you guys follow us on social media. Follow Kevin Ryan comedy at age folding on ice on Twitter, fully grams and Kevin Ryan comedy on Instagram and follow our you garbage on all platforms.

Yep. I'm going to talk to Lewis to see if he can make us so you guys cannot have social media all the way one way or the other. Totalitarian. Yeah. Everything. It should actually be H fully gas digital. Yeah.

Shout out to our excellent producer, Dylan, the kid back there. We love you. Shout out to Louis J. Gomez, Ralph Sutton. We love the gas digital family. Don't listen to this guy. Yeah. Our socks. We're voting for Lewis.

We'll see you guys next time. Hey, gang. Here's a little bonus from Ari telling the story about one time when he shit his pants. Enjoy. You're killing me. It really is. I shit my pants in Australia last year. Yeah.

That's not the joke. That's not any part of the joke. That's just that's the informational part that comes at the beginning. It wasn't when I was a baby, by the way. I wasn't like three. I was a year younger than I am right now. I looked just like this, but I had kaka in my underpants. I was in Sydney, Australia.

I was in this giant bridge. It's called the Sydney Harbor Bridge. It's this giant bridge. It looks like a Brooklyn Bridge. There's these pylons that go up like this, you know, like really high. But it's like way bigger. And this is a hike where you can walk on top of those things. Those steel cables.

And it's like this three hour long hike. And I was like 30 minutes into it when I got my first diarrhea pain. I'm like, this is going to be a problem. Because I don't know what you guys do when you get diarrhea. But what I do is I do the diarrhea math. And I figure out where am I on the scale of one to 10. And that'll tell me how badly I need to take action right now. Because you have to know right now.

Because diarrhea gives you no warning whatsoever. It doesn't come on slowly. It comes on at full strength right away. It's not like Parkinson's or Alzheimer's. No. No, diarrhea is for real. The diarrhea like la-di-da, not a care in the world. Everything's really steady.

Oh fuck! Diarrhea's here! It's here! So you got a one to 10 it immediately. You got to know. One is like nothing. One is like when this comes out tomorrow. It's going to be a bit moist.

That's a war. That's tactically, I guess, it's diarrhea. And a 10 is like, where the fuck is the matter? And I was like an 8.7. Like I was pretty far up there. And so I go to the tour guide. I'm like, how much longer until we get to the top? He goes, hmm, like another hour?

An hour and 10 minutes? All right, let's see what I'm made of as a man. You know, this is my moment to test myself. Heroes aren't asked to be called upon. They're just called. So I just sucked it up as hard as I could. And I just started like duck walking up this giant bridge in Sydney, Australia.

And I was like, oh, hold it, hold it in. Oh, it hurts. Oh, it hurts. It hurts so bad. It hurts so fucking bad. Whatever it feels like to give birth, this was the opposite of that. Just 100% pure sucking. It was like a doctor was standing over me.

She's like, oh, I can see the head. Oh, I'm fucking trying to do it. There's a Scottish guy in line, like right behind me. And he goes, pick up the pace, please. And I'm like, shut your fucking mouth, Scotland. I'm working on something right now. Oh, my God. Every once in a while, I would just get too much.

Like I couldn't control it. And I have to do the cross leg thing. You know, where you just cross your legs over as far as you can. Do like the reverse splits almost. And then you just stand there holding it. I've seen people like this in the supermarket before, by the way. I have. I once saw a lady that's peanut butter aisle just like frozen.

Mr. Universe smile on her face. She was like, I'll sing rapidly. It was like that. She wasn't looking at peanut butter, by the way. She didn't give a fuck about peanut butter. She was just trying not to shit herself in front of her neighbors. And so she was like, you were good. And she was right back.

And that's what I was on this bridge. She was like, hold it. Oh, my God. Hold it. I was sweating so much. I was sweating hard, but not in the forehead. I wasn't sweating in the forehead. The forehead.

That's a sweat of heat or exertion. I'm sweating under the eye. The sweat of mistakes and regret. But I'm doing it though. I'll tell you, I'm at control of the game for like 54 minutes. Until the end of this hike. And I have no idea why, but this is latter. It just goes straight up for like 12 to 15 steps.

And I'm staring at this ladder and I'm like, I don't know how I'm supposed to get up here. Because I don't know if you guys can squeeze your butt cheeks together as hard as you've ever done that ever before in your life. And try to bend your knee at the same time. But like, you can't do it. You can't do both at the same time. It's like sneezing with your eyes open. I have no idea why bending the knee like this.

That's a release valve. I have no idea why the knee is connected to the asshole. If you ask me, that's a design flaw. It should be corrected in later models. But for some reason you bend that knee, that just opens up the floodgates. So I'm staring at this ladder. I'm like, what am I supposed to do here without my knees? The Scottish guy taps me on the shoulder.

And I'm like, what? He's like, the ladder's clear. And I'm like, I know the ladder's clear, Braveheart. Shut up. God, you're annoying. The Scottish people are annoying people. I get what the English hate you now. I get it.

So I'm like, all right, what am I supposed to do here? Why did they put a bridge on the goddamn ladder beyond me, by the way? Maybe they didn't stuck people with diarrhea to come by. So I was like, all right, here's what I'll do. I'll take outside the box. I'll just reach up as high as I can. And I'll grab onto one of the rungs of the ladder. And I'll just do pull-ups.

I'll just step by step. I'll just pull my dead body up this ladder. And it was dead, because I'm squeezing so hard from the middle. Like from here down, it's just dangling away. Like Joe Thysman's leg. Just hanging there. So I do like three pull-ups. And then I realized, oh, I'm very weak.

I don't know what made me think I could do 12 straight pull-ups. My record was like nine, and that was in college. Like there's literally no chance I have of doing that. And I get to like four, and then I start doing the shakes. And I brought it to about the nose. And I was like, you're on the wrong way. And then I lost it. And as I let go, my right leg, it caught on one of the rungs of the ladder.

Yeah. And you just went like that. And as it bent, you just hear the sound. This horrible, horrible sound. And then you just spat. You just hear this. Mh-mh-mh-mh-mh-mh-mh-mh-mh-mh. Fuck!

Because until you touch your butt, you still are holding out hope. You know, that's what we do as humans, we hold out hope. And you're just like, please, maybe, maybe that one-tenth of one percent chance that it was just a wet fart. Please let it just be a streaker. And we reach back there and you feel a chunk. There's no chunks, anything but chunks. And I just stood there for what seemed like forever, like two full minutes,

just feeling bad for myself. What is wrong with you, Ari? You're a grown man. You're an American representing your country in a foreign land. And your underwear is full of wet kangaroo meat. Because you had to get adventurous at dinner last night. And I just stood there feeling bad for myself for like two full minutes until I remembered, oh yeah, that Scottish guy is still right behind me.

And I'm up three steps, so he's pretty much ass to face right now. So like right in front of him, he just saw the Morse code situation that was laying out in front of his face in my pants, was pushing long and short. And he just heard the sound. He just heard the bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh. Which is an unmistakable sound. Nobody ever hears that sound and goes,

ah, ice cream truck. Like that's never happened. So I turned around to see if he had seen, right? This was his face, he was going like this. Just staring up like whatever was on his mind was just wiped off completely. It was just etch-a-sketched right off. Like he was like, maybe later I'll go to the zoo and then I bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh. His hands were like out like a boxer,

just got knocked out but hadn't fallen yet. And we're just staring at each other. Like there's a non-verbal tug-of-war going on. Nobody wants to be the first one to talk. With his mind he was like, how do you want to play this? And with my mind I was like, no, no, no, no. It's your move now. I just laid my cards on the table.

So this is what he did and he was so fucking kind. He looks at me and he just goes, did you just shit your pants? That wasn't a nice part by the way. That was just a weird, honest question. And by the way, if the roles were reversed, there's no way in the world I'm going to bring that up. If I'm the guy who heard it, then you can do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it.

In the world I'm going to bring that up. If I'm the guy who heard it, then you can never in a million years. He'll turn around and be like, oh, crazy weather we're having. And politics, sports and so forth is nuts this time of year. I'm never going to deal with that. You just went right for it. You just shit your pants. And I wanted to lie.

Obviously I'm not going. Look at the truth on this one, right? Truth? No. I thought I was thinking like, just tell him like, a pelican died. Or maybe this is what I actually thought I was saying. I thought maybe he was saying like, yeah, Americans always shit on bridges. It's good luck. But like he wasn't going to believe anything.

So eventually I just said like, yes, I shit my pants. And this is the part that I'll never forget. It was so fucking nice. He reached into his pocket and he pulled out a handkerchief. Yeah, it was an embroidered handkerchief. I don't remember the guy's name. I wish I remembered his name. All I remember was initials.

We were on the handkerchief. It was ELM. And he just goes, I've been there, man. Gave me this handkerchief. It was so nice. It was so kind on a human level. That was a nice thing. And he was there.

I was like getting choked up almost. I was like, dude, after I made fun of you for like an hour straight about being Scottish, I was like getting tears were willing in my eyes as I reached in there and just start scooping, just scooping these chunks, these Twix travel size chunks of diarrhea. And then I released it into the wind and it sailed away like that feather at the end of the forest gump.