Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - AYG Comedy Podcast: Shuli Egar - Las Vegas Kid

Episode Date: August 19, 2021

AYG comedy podcast presents stand up comedian, podcast host, & Howard Stern personality Shuli Egar. Shuli talks living in Las Vegas and working at the casinos. You know Shuli Egar from Your Mom's House Podcast (YMH), Howard Stern Show & more! MERCH: https://areyougarbage.bigcartel.com/ Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AYGLiveShows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage Subscribe on iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/are-you-garbage-comedy-podcast/id1499140700 Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/   Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Holy boncos kids, look out. The keep it moving tour is adding new dates. We're coming to a city near you. Come and see us, some stand up. And we play AYG at the end of the show with the crowd. We answer your garbage questions. We've got some trash so far, but I know. I know there's deeper garbage out there around the country.

So come on out and see us. Kippy, tell them what they need to know. Oh baby, we're all over the place. New Brunswick, New Jersey, August 25th, down the- Tomatoes. Tomodian, Maryland, Magoobies, August 26th. Couple of crabs. Then we're going to Tejas, baby.

Uh-oh. September 21st will be in San Antonio, Texas. September 22nd will be in Houston, Texas. September 23rd through the 25th, Austin, Texas for the Moon Tower Comedy Festival. Look out. And I ain't done yet. August 26th will be at Dallas, Fort Worth, Texas.

What? We're bringing it back to Long Island, baby. What? In September 30th. And then we're coming home. The boys are- The chickens are coming home to roost, baby. Hahaha.

October 27th, we're going to be in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. And then back down to Tejas, November 5th through the 7th for Skankfest South. Get those tickets. The link will be in the description. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash.

Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage. Sure is. It's a little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out if they're good to be classy or if they're just a big old piece of trash.

Oh, baby. I'm your host H Foley coming at you on a beautiful day down here at Antutti's basement. She's gotten wind that the word is out on the street that we're looking for a new member of the editing team. Sure. Just dropped off a CD. She did.

With some cuts on it. Okay. A head shot and a resume. Hahaha. It's your head shot and my resume. So I don't know what the fuck she's doing. Well, you gotta get a CD player. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me.

He's the CEO of Are You Garbage. He's an international businessman. He is not to be trifled with. Hahaha. Before he's had his morning coffee. I can tell you that. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Kevin James Ryan. Hey gang, happy to be here.

Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, you subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube. And as you know, those numbers are. True to Roof. True to fucking Roof. And then Patreon.com where the rubber hits the road. Where Kippy goes to the bank.

You can sign up. You get bonus episodes of AYG. Get episodes of a whole nother podcast to me and the big man do called Hard Feelings, which is the breakaway hit of the season. Oh my god. Sweep, Sweep. Yeah.

And then we also do live streams with our top tier members. It's a good fucking time getting involved, live shows, merch, the whole nine. Do it. Yeah. We love you. And have a nice quick shout out to our producer, extraordinaire.

He is the pride of the Chicago comedy scene. Chicago. He's over here now, repping out in Queens. T-Bone McMuffin. Toby McMullen. What's up, dudes? What's good, T-Bone? Nothing, Ked.

Just had a good time in Boston. I'm going to swim in Crackin' Dead. I'm going to smoke unfiltered sicks, and I'm going to call my mom names. Shout out to Providence and Boston guys. You were fucking unbelievable. We love you. But that could not be neither here nor there.

Nope. Because we got a little bit of garbage royalty in the fucking building here. This is something else. I'm nervous. Ladies and gentlemen, we could not be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest here with this today.

He is a very funny stand-up comedian and podcaster. He is one of the legendary writers and producers of the legendary Howard Stern show. He is now the host of the Shuley show, and he also has a show on his Patreon called Miserable Men's Show. Gang, the big question, but he's mine today, is he garbage? Well, I'm definitely dressed like you guys.

So odds are, I'm not far off. The crazy thing is we're recording this in the middle of winter. Gang, give it up for the one, the only Shuley, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, my man. It is an honor, first of all, big fans, subscriber to all your content.

Thank you. Kev, I didn't know you from when I lived out here. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. But the big man, I've known Foley for a while. I can't be any happier for two people in this success. Thank you. And shocked at the same time. Yeah, right?

I can't believe this is stuck. Yeah, I know. It's amazing. Bobby Kelly called in a Hail Mary in the fourth quarter. Yeah, well, he's bitter. He should. But you guys are phenomenal. The show is great.

The intro, I was waiting for Chas Palmanteri to walk back in. Oh, man. That's you, buddy. And I want to say that if we're giving snuggles right now, which I greatly appreciate it. You were always extremely gracious and always cool. There was never any chip. And we talk about that all the time.

The comics that you love are the guys that are successful and then still cool are the guys below them. Yeah. You know what I mean? And you've always been absolutely amazing. And I love you. Well, I love you too, man. And I was stolen almost all the time.

So that's a big part of it. I feel like the ugly guy to threesome right now. Yeah. I love you. I love you so much. I'm over here whacking it in the corner. It's like the end of a comedy show. You were really good too.

Oh, man. You had a great one too. Yeah. I used to get that in the laugh house all the time. It'd be like two-ray murdering, headlining, John Laster killing, featuring. And me hosting, I'd walk out and be like, oh, you were awesome. John, you were awesome.

All right, man, take care. That's a tough look. Have a good night. Or you get like just the smile and nod. That's always a tough one too. All right, let's get into it. I want to hear the backstory. I have bits and pieces.

I'm going to, I'm flying blind here. You're going to be interested, I think. OK. I think you're going to enjoy it. Word on the streets. Yeah. Las Vegas, Nevada. Well, even before that, born in a little place called Israel.

Woo! That's right. My mother and father met in the Israeli army. OK. My dad's Israeli. My mom, who was born in Israel before it was Israel, is Palestinian. So we got the peace process in full effect in our house

for 60 years now. She was born when it was before Israel? Yeah. So she's on her birth certificate. She's Palestinian. So, you know, he's. But she's Jewish. But she's Jewish.

And you know, she's, they are a tag team of bad news and trash. They can't wait. They can't. Every conversation never starts with hello. It's my mom going, oh, you remember we are still alive? Right away. Right for the fucking heart. Every conversation.

Yeah. Dude, that is. Go for the jugular. That's as old school as it gets. So take me through that. So. They meet in the army? They meet in the army.

They have three boys. I'm the youngest of three. My uncle, who I'm named after, was killed in the sixth day war before I was born. So when I was born, my mom, she had a hunch things wouldn't mellow out any time soon over there. It's going to be a bumpy ride. Right.

So she goes to my dad. Guys, I got a bad feeling about this when we go live. So she says, I want to move to the States. And her and my dad, with 30 grand and three kids, got on a plane, took us to LA. And we started our life there. And we lived in LA. And they rolled the dice and sacrificed

and took shit from family and friends for leaving. And they were like, fuck you. They're not doing this. We're out of here. What were they doing for work when you guys moved? So my dad, within like. Because they did the army thing, like everybody has to. They just did the.

Yes, that's manned it. That wasn't their career. No, but everybody's got to be trained to kill out there. You got to check your fucking six at all times out there. Head on a swivel, head on a swivel, bro. You can't get caught fucking sleeping over there. That's why there's not a lot of home invasion robberies. Yeah, I didn't think about that.

Fucking breaking in on an assassin. Nobody's stealing Amazon packages over there. Everybody's armed and they give you a choice. You want to die with hands or with weapon. So everybody's got steel over there. Everybody because everybody's an army. Yeah, everybody's. They're aligned at the grocery store with like M16s and shit.

Haven't you seen pictures? Big guy, where's the pop tarts? Try a cup of decaf. I told you, we're out of pop dogs. Yeah, he's cocking the thing. But so they came here. My dad opens up a deli in an office building. Are you kidding me in Los Angeles?

Yeah, starts making sandwiches. Dude, how fucking cool is that? Sells that, buys a car wash. Now we lived, I don't know how much you, how well you guys know LA, but there's the San Fernando Valley where we live. And my dad's car wash was over by Disneyland in Anaheim, which is about an hour and a half drive with zero traffic.

And this dude drove that shit seven days a week. Busted his ass. My mom was an addicted gambler, so that's where that money went. Okay, now we're getting into it. Did she work? Yeah, on poker machines. Oh really, that was it?

Yeah, no, she... Was she doing that in Israel? My mom said this to my dad, I will not cook for you, I will not clean, I will give you children, and I will be with you. And that is the deal. And my dad probably, I imagine, didn't have any other takers on the list, so...

I don't know man, you sit down 30 grand, that's pretty sweet. I mean, listen. Coming to the US. Also three kids and you gotta move 6,000 miles. That's 60s money though. No, it was 70s money, and so a lot of pubic hair on it, but...

Hey, George Washington has a bush. Yeah, but I just watched this dude hustle, man, from day one, and he was so tight with money and never fucked around, you know... Everybody had fruit loops. I had fruit rings in the white and blue bed. Like it just, you know, t-shirts I had would be like a fake Jordan logo,

and it was like, you know, slam the dunk written on it. He's on rollerblades. Yeah, like, it was just awful. Got it at the Foot Locker in Nigeria. Yeah. Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah, he would get...

I had four Buffalo Bills Super Bowl sweatshirts growing. What kind of house are we talking about? So when you say, he was doing good, he was just smart with his money and he wanted... Yeah, we grew up in a nice place in LA, middle class, I would say. In the city of Los Angeles. Well, in the Valley.

In the Valley. In the Valley, where porn is born, you know, and... And this is, I mean, you had to be a teenager in the late 70s and early 80s, right? No, I don't know how old you think I am, asshole, but I was born in 74. So... Is your age?

Yeah, we moved in 78. I went to elementary. At least 300 years old. Yeah. I did think you were older than me. What were the 20s, Joel? I'm sorry, Joel. I'm sorry.

Hey, Methuselah, what was it like? God in the hell do you think I am, asshole? Oh, man, that killed me. I apologize. So you're like me. So you were an 80s and 90s kid. Absolutely. In the Valley.

In LA. That's pretty fucking cool to me. That's what I was getting at. It was good. It was good. If I was able to do the things other kids were doing, if I had some sort of bankroll, that's why at 15, I went and got a job.

I said, I'm not dealing with this guy. What was the job? Scooping ice cream at a store called Thrifties, which was like a CVS, but had like an ice cream counter at the front. He used to do that back in the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How did your pop sandwich shop work out?

Was it still up and running when you were? Oh, no, he sold that. He moved into the car wash industry. So that's how he did it. And that's that he ended up owning three car washes. Which car wash industry over there is huge. Yes. If you own a car wash over there,

they can be very profitable. A lot of low riders coming in and out to wash up out there. So he was killing it. He was doing great. He was killing it. He was also, you know, the track of like seven days a week. Sure. Going back and forth and then coming home to her.

It was not a fun trip. Come here. That's his mother he's talking about. I know. Coming home to her. Oh, they used to argue in Hebrew because this is the thing. If your parents speak a native language and they argue in it,

the arguments are a million times better because they're funnier, they're more personal, they're more just a real knife in the fucking door. Can you understand it? Oh my God, I speak fluently till this day. Holy shit. So I remember at eight years old, them arguing in the kitchen,

she told him in Hebrew, go get a popsicle out of the freezer, shove it up your ass, eat it, and then tell me what it tastes like. That's pretty good. You don't even need the last three things. No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, you could stop and shove it up your ass.

Hemingway said that. Yeah. Once it goes up your ass, you win. You don't need to do anything. But so they would argue a lot, but that was their relationship, you know? That's just their conflict. They're Israel, Palestine.

He's occupying her vagina, boom, bang, bang. You know what I mean? But she's not Palestinian, Palestinian. She's not, but she's more than he is. Let's say that. She has the tendencies, she likes more of the Arabic food than he does. He's very, you know, straight.

He's originally born in Romania. So he sounds like Dracula, my dad. He's got, and my wife, when we were dating. Duvoss, your car. Come on. I don't care who you are, that's a good piece of business. When we were dating, my wife and I would do impressions of my dad and she goes, he doesn't sound like that.

And then she met him, she's like, holy shit, he's the count, you know? It's fucking so cool. And he's perv too. He's old school perv. Yeah. Old school Romanian dirt ball, I like it. He'd be driving me to school

and we'd see a woman jogging down the street. He'd just be driving and he'd go, she'd be like in a sports bra, jogging shorts and he'd go, I like what I see. And what I don't see, I like even more. Jesus. Ha ha ha ha. Hey, good talking to you, Papa.

Yeah. Hey, grab some lunch money, I'm gonna walk from here. When he would bust me, would I try to stay up late at night and watch Carson? He would, I'd hear him coming down the hall, so I turned my TV down and pretend like I'm asleep. And he would stand by my head for like 10 seconds. He wouldn't say a word.

And then he'd say this to me in Hebrew. He would say, you can't scare a hooker with a dick. And I would start laughing immediately because you hear your dad say it, hooker a dick and you're like, try to be asleep. And that's how he'd bust me every night. He was fucking weird. He would drop these weird fucking-

That's misog tactics right there. Yeah. He's never, till this day, he's never fully told me what he did in the military. So I don't doubt it, dude. I'm scaring hookers. He goes, I don't wanna talk about it. Sounds like a throat slitter to me.

I'll take that right now. Bare hands, bare hands. All right, so that's great. That is so fucking old school. Yeah. So where did I get Vegas from? So then I finished school in LA. Uh-huh.

And I mean- College? No, no, there's no college. It was literally like a starter pistol. That's how trashy he is. He referred to school and he meant high school. I finished school. Yeah.

And that was- No, I finished school means I graduated college. No. Or medical school. I was getting my bachelor's in high school. Yeah. As tough as it was, finishing school was a huge milestone for me.

I hated it. How was your school? It was, we bust in, it was about 2,000 kids in our school. Uh-huh. And they bust in about 70% of the students. So he had, you know, 30% of these Valley white kids. Right.

And then South Central LA comes in and takes shit over. And all my friends were these guys from South Central LA. I got along with all of them. I made them all laugh, you know, doing all this silly shit to get laughs. And that was school for me, it was a hang. It was about figuring out my sense of humor, I guess, looking back on it now.

I hated it. Like I hated the obligation to go to school, but also I'm like, I'm there. I'm like, let's make the best of it. Let's fucking hang. I like the fact that it was a hang all the time. No, I hear you, nerd. Yeah.

No, that's fine. Yeah. Fuck, get your head out of a locker, dork. No, I had a calculator too, I did it. So then you go to Vegas. So then, yeah, then I go to Vegas. My folks had moved out there. They had?

Wait, hold on. My mom was an addicted gambler. Wait a minute, back this up. You're still in high school. Your parents have already moved? No, no, no, I finished high school. They moved to Vegas. I wanted to avoid it.

So I moved with a couple buddies to Arizona for a little stick, right? Very classy. Yes. Sedona, Sedona, Arizona. Home of the Red Rock Mountains. Hippies leaving crystals and money on top of mountains. They thought were space stations

that were gonna take off one day. So whatever. The West Coast is goofy. We're starting to get really far away from the Israeli military and the Mediterranean here. Yeah. We're sliding off the table. Whenever we needed weed money,

we would hike up to these mountains and just take these fucking money that these people would leave and just go buy a sack with it. Because we're like, well, I mean, if this thing's gonna take off, we'll deal with it later. Well, like, wishing them all stuff?

Yeah, yeah, people would leave crystals and like, Sedona's all about energy and vortexes. You brought their grift in the money. Oh my God. Stupid hippies never saw it coming. Working a Burger King drive through, sit there, hike it up there, get weed buddy, crystals, whatever we needed it.

You worked at a Burger King drive through? Yeah, and then we ended up- What window? At first, there's where you want Money Guy or are you the food guy? I was the food guy. I wanted the headset. Yeah.

There was a mic. I wanted the fucking, I wanted- That's so funny. He's on there like Rickles. Oh, I would do- They don't supersize a fat ass. That's so fucking trashy, but I know exactly what you're talking about.

I would do voices. You want gear. Yeah. You want cool shit when you're at work. That fucking pack on the side. You want a tool belt. You want something to look responsible. I need fries now.

Yeah. Right. You mute him. You go, this fucking asshole. Then you turn him back on. Yes, sir. Okay. But I would do voices.

Like I would do, like they would pull up and I would just be like, Hi, welcome to Burger King. Can I take you on a walk? And they'd be like, I love your movies, man. Can I get a- Must have trouble getting gigs right now. Yeah, yeah.

Holy, dude, was comedy, did you want to be a comedian at this point? Did you- It was the thing I loved the most, but the idea of me doing it was never a reality. So there was no, so you're not going to college. You're just working at a fucking Burger King.

I'm just trying to figure out what's fucking next. What am I gonna do that I'm not gonna hate the rest of my life? Cause every job I've had, I've hated. I've done all forms of construction for a few weeks. I've dealt blackjack and roulette and Vegas and pie out. Yeah. I put a pin in that.

Oh yeah, we'll get to that. So like, I've done it. I pushed wheelchairs at the airport, which is, you know, sounds like it's a redeeming, you know, like you're helping handicap, but it's really just a bunch of foley. You don't want to walk to the gate and then throw you 50 cents for being a fucking human engine on carpet.

He's danced a couple of times. Hey, Pinhead, stop by the Hudson News, we want to grab some Twizzlers for the flight. Yeah. I assume that those people don't genuinely treat the people pushing them nicely. No. You get that vibe.

Oh, I'd have one hand on the chair, pulling the luggage covered in sweat on carpet. Could you swing by the Burger King on the way? And here's a word you've probably never heard. No, you fucking animal. No, we're not swinging by Burger King. Can you swing by Burger King, use your employee discount? I need a couple of whoppers for the flight.

So yeah, when I left Arizona and decided to move back in with my folks, because my roommate stopped working, I'm like, I'm not gonna stay. How old are you at this point? What are we talking about? 19. You're 19? Yeah.

Back in with the folks. I've done it a couple of times. 19, no, that's nothing. No, it's nothing. I wasn't, you know. And so then I did what my roommates were doing to me, to them. I was living rent free on their dime.

And... And they were okay. They're cool with that, right? Listen. You didn't break your balls about it. That's good family. No, no, no, no. That, no.

That's where you're wrong, because the only reason they're cool with it is because it comes with the exception that we're gonna break your balls about every move you make. Stay here, we get the shit on you. Plus, we've been married a hundred years. We're tired of fighting with each other.

Guess where the crosshairs are going? You. So that way, you know, every day, my dad would just, have you looked in the paper today? Another hotel is opening. They were probably there waiting for you. They just like that,

that they wanted me to work in the casino industry. And I hated the casinos. I hated seeing that, that energy of people losing everything and ruining their lives. I didn't wanna be there eight hours a day. Tough look. But, you're in Vegas.

It's not all glitz and glamour. Right, you're in Vegas. So what are you gonna do, right? So, yeah, I move in with them. I get a job at the Barbary Coast. What's he doing? Is your dad? So my dad gets out there.

They both go there to retire. He's there for a month. Sold the car washes, whatever it takes to do. Sold the car washes, moved to Vegas to retire. Fuck, I love this guy. After a month, he goes, I'm done retiring. He goes and gets a job at Walmart

in the hardware department. And then he goes from Walmart to the MGM when they reopened 30 years ago and got hired as a room service cashier, which these guys are like in the belly of the hotel. They're just at a register and all the room service staff comes back with the receipts and everything

and he types them up, gives them the tips. And he did that for 30 plus years. He just retired a couple years ago. Jesus, fucking Christ. That generation, man, they're fucking old school. There's no, I remember living out here when the Blizzard hit and I was walking to see if I could get to work and I couldn't.

I'm walking back home and the snow's up to my knees. There's a guy like in his 80s and he's digging this Nissan Sentra out of the fucking snow. And I look at him and I go, this is nuts, huh? And he goes, you fucking, like I killed Nazis, you fucking idiot. Fuck it's snow, toughen up your pussy. I know, so true.

It's like, so yeah, that's that generation, man. And so he went and did that. And I finally caved and I'm like, fine, I'll get a job as a blackjack dealer. So what do you gotta do? You gotta go to blackjack dealer school. Really? Yes, so you pay 300 bucks and you go

and you basically, it's up to you when you graduate. If you wanna come once a week for six months until you're good enough for them to send you for an audition, that's your schedule. If you wanna come five days a week and be ready in like two, three weeks for an audition, you can do that too. That's how you do, you have to audition.

So the audition is basically, they send you to the casino that the dealer school is owned by. Hang up, for the record, I just wanna take a moment and appreciate the fact that right now we are having a discussion about blackjack dealer school and auditioning at a casino. Yeah, yeah.

I've had friends that do it. Yeah. I then got caught stealing and got booted. Dude, they send you, and the audition is they send you to the casino at three o'clock in the morning because they're like, how much could they fuck things up on a Tuesday at three a.m. Right?

And now dealer school is just, you're just playing blackjack all day. You're learning the lingo, you're learning the rules, you're learning the payouts. Who teaches that? They gotta be some real dirt balls. Dude, I'll tell you this story, right? I'm dealing one day.

The tray is like your computer, right in front of you, right under your chin. And my teacher goes, keep an eye on your tray. People can take money out of your tray without you even seeing it. And I'm going, what are you fucking talking, it's right here. You're not gonna take anything from me.

Do I deal out everybody's cards? What are you gonna hit, stay, hit, stay? I go to flip over my cards. He put a fucking thumbtack through my cards into the felt without me seeing it. And I go, how the fuck did you do that? He says, I wasn't always a blackjack school teacher. And that told me right there,

this guy's paying out of debt right now. I teach to be a scumbag. He's on a list somewhere, for sure. I used to be a scumbag. You want the money or the hammer? That's awesome. It's like when the FBI hires the fucking check for old guy.

Kippy, how about those folks over there at Manscape? Oh, baby, do I love them? Yeah, I love them to death. They just keep coming through. Grooming is very important. People are starting to get back together. People are starting to bump elbows and uglies again. Yeah.

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I ain't talking 1,000, 2,000, 3,000, 4,000, 5,000, 6,000. 7,000 RPMs, what are we doing? It's like the Apollo mission. Like you said, it's waterproof, the whole nine yard. I use it on my face. I don't care. Call me an animal, call me garbage. I use it all over the body.

Little butthole, little ball action, little mustache. Keep it tight back there, huh? Yeah, I mean, it works all over the place. Want to be able to peek over the bushes, you know what I mean? Yes. They also send you ball deodorant, crop reviver. Everything to keep you fresh down there. Everything you need to keep your ball bag

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We're talking. It's the top of the line. Come on. You know what I mean? Come on. It's like saying to Lincoln's better than a Cadillac. Forget about it. Jeez.

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Never go to the post office again. Now back to the show. And so they send you to this audition. Now I go to this audition. This is the first time. Could have been anywhere. Could have been any one of the casinos, right? Well, they owned the dealer school, the Barbary Coast,

the Gold Coast, the Rio. That place, that company owned the dealer school. So they sent you to the shittiest casino of them all, which is the Barbary Coast. Gotcha. 3 AM. I've never even heard of that, the Barbary Coast. It's across from.

Sounds like shaving cream. It's across from Caesars and Ballys. And if you blink, you missed it, right? And it's 3 AM on a Tuesday. You're dealing with prostitutes, cab drivers, whatever the fuck. And I get in front of this tray. And I look down, and I see this is real fucking money. Then I start thinking, there's people watch me right now.

I get totally fucking nervous, right? And I mean, I bomb. So bad dealing. I'm paying on pushes. People are busting. You've got a 44. You win. Yeah.

I don't think. Now, if you hit 51, I'll give it to you. And I get tapped out, and I'm walking away. I do the clap thing. And I walk away, and I'm going, not only did I not get this job, they're going to ban me from walking into the store. And they call me the next day. They go, can you start Tuesday?

And I go, they'll hire any fucker. I mean, the other people, the other contestants aren't coming from Mensa. They're also at the same school. At least I spoke English. Yeah, exactly. So yeah, so then I did that for like eight, nine months, which I hated.

I watched a guy get caught cheating at my table once, which was awesome. What'd they do? So this guy was doing a thing called dirty money. Now dirty money, let's say you got two red chips, $5 chips. $10 bet. You get your cards. In his fingers right here, he's got a $25 chip, green chip,

pinched right here. You can't see it. So when he takes his card, he sees what it is. 20, 21. Drops it, slides it under the two red like that without you even noticing. If he thinks he has a good card. Well, he sees his card, sees I have a 20 or 21,

and then fucking, if that happens, he drops the 25. Right, he's adding to the bet after he's seen his cards. This guy was doing it for 30 minutes. I didn't notice the thing, right? This guy's killing over here. Right, because I'm high as a kite or whatever. And all of a sudden, my pit boss walks over and he whispers in my ear, whatever happens, keep dealing.

I've also never heard the terms my pit boss before. Yeah. My pit boss. That's crazy. This guy was such a piece of shit, my pit boss. He would walk in, he would walk in eight a.m. He'd go, sweetie, Jack Cope, he'd do that. He'd smoke a cigarette with it in his finger,

who wrapped his whole fucking, it made me nuts. Yeah, muff it. But he goes, whatever happens, keep dealing. I'm thinking, is this guy gonna rob the fucking place? What does that mean? That's awesome. Sure enough, two dudes show up on either side of this guy. They go, sir, can you come with us?

And I'll never forget. He goes, yeah, let me grab my chips. He goes, we'll get those for you. You always hear that. We'll take it. They're all right there. You're good, you're good. So they start walking away in about 20 seconds.

I get tapped out for a break. So I go, I'm gonna see what the fuck's going on. So I kind of trail behind them a little bit. I don't wanna, you know, and they go down the stairs where the employee lounge and the cafeteria is. I wanted to ask you about that. Go ahead. Yes. So I walk downstairs, down the cafeterias to the right,

the lounges to the left, and then there's some more doors over there that I don't know what they are. I walk downstairs, he ain't in the cafeteria, and he ain't in the lounge. So he's in the hammer door somewhere, and. He's in the bang bang room. But the reality of it is these guys, a lot of them get hired so they can catch the other guy.

For security. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They give him the option. They go, look, we'll send you into the computer system, which is like Interpol, right? You never get to go into a casino again. Ever, Atlantic City, Vegas, anywhere there's a casino. But how do they enforce that? Through the cameras?

Yeah, they upload their picture into the database, and it's a retinal scan. It's like the same shit Israel uses at the airport. Jesus. Yeah, yeah. So once you're on the list, you're fucked. And for these guys, they're doing that because it's a source of income. They know how to do it.

They're somewhat good at it. Yeah. I fucking do it in a heartbeat. Are you kidding me? Dude, when parks. How awesome would that be? When parks open in Philly, I'm from right by Parks, and it opened the first night. We went out, because we were big gamblers. We went, we were playing Blackjack,

and this guy was sitting next to my buddy and just being like, hey, or bet this, bet this, because he was counting the deck at the time, and was like, dude, just follow me. Like, let's go. So my buddy's like, all right, let's fucking go. So, and then like after 45 minutes, security came up and was like,

sir, we need to talk to you. And then he's like, they had already exchanged numbers and he texted me, because hey, man, I'm banned from every casino. And he showed up on opening night thinking like, hey, this is when they're the weakest, like I'll be able to fucking come and take money. But they got him after like 45 minutes.

I mean, think about that. Think about that security. You can't do math in your head without getting caught. Like how fucking crazy is that? Yeah. They're like, this guy's fucking doing math in his head. Go get him, table nine. This guy's good at it, get him.

Yeah. So, yeah. Then there was a blackout one night in the casino, the power went out. Like Ocean's 11. Oh, it's like the courage. And you know what, I did the dumbest thing ever. For a second, the power goes out and I lay on the tray

so nobody will steal, like it's my fucking money, like a moron. And after half a second of laying on it, I go, they're going to accuse me of stealing my shit. I get the fuck off. I go, hey, free reign, take whatever you want. People grab shit? Nobody grabbed a fucking thing.

Yeah, not making it out of there. Yeah, I mean, you can't fuck around in Vegas casinos, man. That is, maybe the mob doesn't run anymore, but it's not like there's a better boss in there. Like they run a tight ship. Yes, they're not like the most upstanding citizens. They're not very understanding. Let's say that.

And I just got tired of ruining people's lives and just fucking taking their money. And like, it was a breaking house, what they call a breaking house, which means, you know, it's old school. Like the pit bosses get a commission if the tables take in money. They don't tell you that as a dealer.

So when you're losing, which is out of your control most of the time, they punish you. They go, all right, you go deal that $3 table at 4 a.m. on a Tuesday, to three bars, to two, and when a guy passed out on the fight, that's your next three days. That's what you're doing. That's my kind of scene.

Eat a bowl of cereal while you're playing. And for me, it's just like, fuck man, I pulled a seven card 21 on the guy one. Jesus Christ. I wanted to blow my brain. I felt so bad. And the guy goes, are you fucking kidding me? Are you kidding me?

Another 300. I'm like, why are you still here? What more do you need to see? I've never done that in my life. You need four aces to come out to do that. You understand how fucking crazy that is? Your kids are standing next to you. What the fuck, man?

I was at the Taj one time playing, I think it was down for a show, and I was just like hanging and playing during the day, and blackjack, and the guy next to me, old guy fucking passes out, faint. So when it just goes back. That old gag? I panicked.

I'm like, what the fuck? Get him. Nobody moved. The dealer did not even stop dealing. I'm like, would we have to do something? Like, the cameras will see him. And then like, this happens five times a day. It happened to me, and I just.

They'll just fall out, and they don't bat an eye at it. So in the casino, if you're a dealer and you go to pay somebody or you're taking chips and it falls, you have to yell chip down, and you have to either say inside or outside, inside the pit or outside the pit. You have to call everything out because they're watching, they're listening.

So everything's gotta be by the book. When you're paying people out with black chips, with $100 chip, you gotta now, for black out. So now they call the cage, in case somebody tries to, you know, has counterfeit for more. So I have this guy at my table, and I see him fucking swaying and swaying.

And next thing you know, he just goes pow, right off the stool, onto the floor, and I just go, player down on the outside. Just kept dealing. We did a show in Atlantic City and Foley walks around the casino with like fake pit boss energy. Like he wishes he was.

Oh yeah. For sure. That'd be awesome. You would be a great pit. We also call it. Mixed up with some cocktail waitress. I've never ripped my heart out. We were at a roulette table.

A little motel. And a kid, a player was the one. No water in the pool. That's what I'm fucking talking about. Doing shots of fucking Jameson and Pepto Bismol. Like an old detective. A solver on the desk. Surely let's just get through tonight.

Of all the offices, you had to walk into mine. I'm sorry, kid, I didn't mean to cut you. Yeah, it's fine. It's a good piece of business though. Yeah, man, that's fucking crazy. And you're 1920. Well, for that I was 21. You had to be 21 to deal.

So yeah, that when I was 21 and when I was done with that, that's when I was like, all right, I'm gonna, I tried an open mic once before that in LA at the Laugh Factory in Sunset. I camped out all morning on the sidewalk, which I didn't know anything about. Come at the time and these guys are all sitting there

and they're going, David Tell. I blew him off stage last week. I'm going, wow, these guys are good. He's like, Chris Rock doesn't even write his own stuff anymore. I'm like, wow, I didn't know all this industry stuff. And then I watched him go up and just eat a shit sandwich one after the other.

And I remember one guy go, how long have you been doing this? He goes, 14 years. And it was my first day and I remember thinking, that's not fucking good. You camp out here every night? That's not good. So I said, I'm probably never gonna do this again, but I tried it, bombed horribly,

but you know, you know how it goes a week, a month, a week, whatever, how long? You're like, I want to try this shit again. 100% of course. So I had a job at that time working at the McCarran Airport, the Vegas airport as a wheelchair pusher because they didn't drug test and that was cool with me. You ever see the Area 51 planes flying out?

No, no. Never? No, I can't. You remember bringing fucking heat on us? Yeah. Talk off camera. Yeah. Listen, I was too busy pushing really fat people around, like legit.

I watched a handy... He too. Dude. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That was about me, everybody. I watched a guy with no legs, right? Walk off the plane like a gorilla on his knuckles, right? I've seen that before.

Gets to the jetways, wheelchairs waiting for him, his wheelchair. Hobson, cause they said we need a pusher for this flight, so Hobson the fucking. Jetways are like this, right? He's fucking, just hauling that. And I'm his girlfriend, towing his fucking bag behind him, right?

Guy doesn't ask for a fucking thing. Cause he's slaloming through people, gets to the taxi lines, backing up into the lift, fucking things, lifts them up. Like a hero, he looks at you and goes, don't let anyone tell you you can't do anything. And I'm like, you know. Wouldn't have his bag for whatever people would have.

But it was, the handicap people never asked for your help. It was just people who didn't want to walk and a couple celebrities here and there that I got to push. Who was the coolest celeb? BB King was probably, tipped me a hundred bones who had Lucille on his lap the whole time. Really?

Yeah, yeah, that was cool. Was he playing? No, but you know. Fuck man, I'm like, I could touch the fucking thing if I wanted to. Also he said a hundred bones. Yeah. He's going in the file.

Yeah. What's up? Bones is bad. What's the most you ever got tipped as a dealer? Well see, the thing with dealing is you can't keep it for yourself. It all gets pooled with all the other dealers. So for example, Super Bowl weekend is the busiest weekend

in Vegas. Dealers, so on Sunday we made every dealer in the casino walked out with 155 bucks in cash. The Rio Hotel, Super Bowl Sunday, every dealer walks out with about 750 in cash. So there's the difference between a breaking house and a good house, right? Gotcha.

So you weren't really making great money. What that place was about is learning as many games as you can while you're there to hopefully get to a better spot. So that's why they call it a breaking house. So I dealt roulette, PyGal poker, Blackjack, hated all of them. My God, that's such.

Yeah. Roulette dealer. Just no more bets. I used to hate that fucking thing. Then they go, I remember an Israeli guy coming to the thing. He saw my name. Israelis are the, Israelis are the fucking, because you're from Israel, I'm from Israel.

You should lie and cheat and steal from me. Yeah. That's their mentality. We gotta watch our backs. You know what I mean? Yeah. But it's like, you know. You surely think I'll heart attack, will you?

Yeah. I met people dealing Blackjack from the valley, from my high school. They didn't go, what's your undercard? They didn't go, what's your whole card? Yeah, wink if you got the goods. We were in homeroom. Hook me up, dude.

It's like, fuck off. So yeah, the Israeli guy goes, he's telling me, let me know, in Hebrew, he's like, let me know how you release the ball around which numbers it will land. I go, you think there's a fucking system to this, you idiot? It's a ball with a spinning wheel.

The pit boss can speed it up, slow it down, do whatever the fuck he wants at any time. And I'm snapping it out of my finger. You think I'm gonna get, yeah, I just call it double zero, green, double zero, bet it, it's coming. Wait, they can control the speed of the roulette wheel? A pit boss can come by if he doesn't, if it's spinning too fast or whatever,

he can slow it down. I mean, there's a usual thing that it spins at, but I've seen him come by, especially in the breaking houses, man, though. I would dump to somebody a lot of money, I get kicked in the shoe, you know, by the pit boss, like, the fuck are you doing? And I'm like, I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm just dealing cards. It's fucking 3 a.m. on a Tuesday, we're at the end of the strip. What do you think I'm doing? If I could control it. I'm fighting for my life over here. If I could control it, I'd be on the other side, fucking playing it.

Do the people who go in to say, I didn't even know anything like that about casinos, that there's like shitty ones, and I guess, you know, they're like a better term, shitty ones and good ones. Do the people that go to the shitty ones, do they realize they're in the shitty ones and they just accept it?

It's reflective of the person go. A classy guy goes to the Borgata, a classy guy goes to Bailey's. It's like an owner looking like their pet after a while. It's just inevitable. And that is. That's brutal. Yeah, you didn't, you didn't have.

I've chills my bone. You didn't have anybody sitting there in a fucking, you know, $3,000 suit going, oh, I think we came in the wrong place. Yeah. You know. Yeah, guys in $3,000 suits aren't playing nickel slots. Right. You know. Although I watched a guy win a hundred grand

on Craps one night, I think 110 grand. I'm at a dead game, right? No players. And I'm just standing there at a dead game and I'm watching this guy. Surely is the mush. Oh my God. Surely stinks man.

There was nothing that I loved more than having nobody to deal to. I could stand there and watch people all day long. Talking about killing the vibe. Oh my God. This guy's crushing it. He's winning. And I'm watching one of the pit bosses

chase after him like a little girl trying to keep him at the casino. He goes, we can get you a suite. We can get you. Give you a room. He goes, no, I'm good. He goes, okay, where do you want to go? We got a limo.

We'll take you there. We'll bring you back. He goes, no, I'm good. They just got, they got to keep it in the house. They keep it in the house. The second he gets out the door, you're fucked. That's somebody else is going to get it. Because that guy ain't stopping at that point.

You're playing that kind of stakes. You're not stopping that. Yeah. There was one story that a friend of mine told me. He worked at the MGM. This is the coolest tipping story. Is that a classy one, MGM? Yeah.

MGM's a good one. All right. You can also tell if you're in a classy, here's a little tip. You can tell you're in a classy casino. If Shulley's not dealing. If I'm not dealing. And the lights don't go out.

And players don't fall off their stools. Now, you can, you know you're in a decent casino. If you ask the dealer for advice and they give you advice. Like my casino, they didn't want you to help players with guy has a fucking $3 bet up. He's got two eights. What should I do? Split them.

You get kicked in the foot. You go, it's $3. Yeah, it's three bucks. What are we doing here? We can't cover $6 if this guy cleans up. Like what are we talking about? So we would go to like the better casinos, me and like four friends.

We take a table and all of us would just hold our cards up so we could all see, because there's no rule that you can't show the other players your cards. A lot of people don't know that or don't think of that. You have to tell them you're a dealer when you're in their plan? Not at all. No?

No, it's not like a cop where I'm like, hey, I'm on the job. Hey, I'm operating. I'm operating in your backyard tonight. Just want to give you the professional courtesy as a heads up from dirt bank to dirt bank. I'm in a breaking room down there, OK? You have to flash him a soft pack of Marble Lights all scrunched up.

Listen, if you're down a pie gal, let me know. You need a hot pack. You guys should stay up. Just let me know. I got my vest in the car. But you can play as you wear a vest. Oh, yeah. Not only did I have a vest, but they had those little fucking

things on the bands on it like we're in New Orleans or on a riverboat. I can feel that button down shirt. I can feel that button down shirt on me right now and it's making my skin crawl. Yeah, I saw, I remember driving down the Atlantic State Expressway, there was four dealers in a white Chevy Cavalier.

And I just remember looking, dude, hate, like they were all just, first of all, it's the tiniest size of this table. It was like four ogres all piled in there. I'm like, they got a 45 minute drive to the worst night of their life. My shift was 3 AM to 11 AM, OK? That was the shift that I felt.

So I would see now at 4 AM. Fuck that, dude. I'm sorry. Well, you got to realize it's Vegas. I've been my 20s. That's also true. I'm not going to sleep anyways, right? So I was dealing one night and I guess a friend of ours

got in trouble for something. And they knew me and another guy were friends with him. And so they said, listen, tomorrow you guys got to go, or two days you guys got to go take a random drug test. I guess he got caught with drugs in his locker or something. And me and my buddy, we smoked weed all day, every day. We hated our job. We showed up stoned.

We'd take breaks, run to the car, get stoned, come back. So now Vegas, you got to understand, they don't just do piss tests. They do hair tests. And hair tests are like, they're like Twitter timeline. Every dirtbag knows the difference between a piss test and a hair test. Oh, yeah.

Hair test goes back seven years. It goes back forever. If you've ever seen Coke, you're fucked. It's really bad. I know, man. Trust me, I know. And I had hair back then, right? So my buddy says to me, couldn't you

listen, we'll shave our heads. They'll never get even better. Shave your head. Even better. He goes, listen, he goes, he's from Jersey. This kid, he moved out to Vegas. He goes, listen, I know a stylist out here, strip, bleach, kill all the fucking shit in our hair, 150 bucks.

But he minded it past the test. I go, let's go. We get out of work. We go to this woman does the whole thing. I go home, go to sleep. I wake up the next morning and go take this test. I walk by the mirror and I have Estelle Getty colored, like eggplant colored hair.

Like it's just light pinkish, purplish. It looks fucking ridiculous. And I'm like, this isn't good. Like I got to go. They're going to know something. Yeah, you two fucking idiots coming in like Green Day. What the fuck? So looking like Marge Simpson.

So I show up and I'm like, I'll just schmooze my way out. You know, I'll just bullshit this woman who sits through people trying to bullshit her eight hours a day. Right? And I'm just talking and talking and talking and finally she's like, you ready? And I go, yep. And I lean forward and she takes it from my arm.

Didn't even touch my fucking head. And I was like, I had an out of body experience. I could see myself like this still just frozen with my head down waiting for her to take it. And I walked out of that place and as soon as I got in the car, I'm like, time to start thinking of some new work ideas. That's fucking awesome.

And two days later, I'm dealing with that Jack Mastrow with the fucking Jack and Coke walks over. You lied to me. First of all, I never lied. He never asked me if I was high. I picture it like Polly from Goodfellas. I now I have to turn my back on you. He goes, you lied to me.

Go clean out your locker. And I go, we have lockers? He goes, get the fuck off the floor. How sad is the locker room of the fucking real or wherever the fuck you are? Truly, man, what the fuck? And that was how the casino gig ended. And that's how the wheelchair gigs started.

Cause I'm like, well, they don't drug test. I want to have to sit through that again. And that's when I started doing standup because I had a captive audience at work. I could try out material on them, take it to the stage. Started up, there was no circuit there. There was no, the hotels weren't letting any micers or anything.

So me and a couple of buddies just opened like four or five open mics around the city. And we did that for years. And that's when I started calling into the Stern Show. I was a fan for over a decade before I ever picked up the phone and called in. And yeah, and I started calling and contributing. Took my calls and I felt like, holy shit,

maybe I can play ball with these guys one day and just kept calling and coming up with material and games, impressions, whatever the fuck I could get on the field with, man. And so when they started this serious thing over here, they brought me over just for like a one week audition for this news team that Howard had. The Howard 100 News, where we covered the world of Howard,

the guests, the staff, the whack pack, everything. And it was a 18 person news team. Jesus. Who was the reporter, Lisa G? Lisa G, there was Steve Langford. And these are all real reporters. This was their career for years and they bring me in. I have three joints in my cigarette pack

in this boardroom and they're like, but they didn't know anything about the show. They didn't know who the people were. They didn't know the backstory. So that's what saved me is I was brought in almost as like a consultant. Yeah, right. But I also was like, I'm about to shoot my wad here

in a couple of days and then what am I gonna consult about? They're gonna know everything. So I snuck a recorder out and I went out to Times Square and I just started asking people questions about Howard, but essentially doing crowd work. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I figured that's the shit I gotta lean on.

That's what I was doing before I got here. Sure. That's what I know. And you know, fast forward a year later, 18 people ended up being four. I was one of the four they kept on. And I did that for almost 10 years. And then from there went to writing, producing

on air talent for the show. Did that for another five, six years. And then I was in and I tapped out. No more dealing. Well, I mean, the pandemic fucking threw us for a loop out here. You know, I got a wife, two girls. We're in a two bedroom and Astoria with two cats

and a dog and everybody, everything's falling apart. Yeah, bodies are stacking up. You gotta stretch it out a little bit. Oh man, I walk out of the apartment, guys taking a ship behind my car on the street and he wasn't wearing a mask, like a fucking animal. Like an animal. But that's perfect that we just jumped into that.

So all that ships behind you, you're working there 15 years. You had to start making some coin, right? You gotta be doing good over there. Listen, if we lived anywhere else, we'd be fantastic. But the fact that we're a family of four in New York, you know, I will never say that he didn't pay me well. I mean, he didn't pay me all serious

and they paid me well, absolutely. And for the nonsense that I brought on the air, absolutely. But at the same time, this is the top of the food chain, of course. Yeah, of course. So that pace, that tempo that you gotta keep up is something that I didn't even realize I was doing for 15 years until we were quarantined and then we're stuck and then we're not doing anything.

And then we're like, we wanna move. But everything price-wise, there was really no difference for us out here. We wanna get our first home. And I have a good friend of mine down South in Huntsville, Alabama, mortgage guy on the inside. Yeah, those Jews keep it tight. He's been telling me, he's actually the most hick,

motherfucker ever, but they don't even know about Jews in Alabama. I know, there's parts of the South where you're like a unicorn. My wife was like, you know, there's a synagogue a mile and a half from us. I'm like, you mean a trap? I'm like, nice. It's just a box with one of those sticks and a string.

It's a Jew Roach Motel. We just walk in, there's no walking out. So, so yeah, so. Two twenties in a knish, just sitting there. It's a guy on the rope, just waiting to drop the cage. It's like the game mouse trap. So, so yeah, so we're stuck in this apartment and my buddy's like, dude,

he's been telling me for like seven years just by property out here. He's like, this area's booming. It's gonna be another Austin. It's gonna be another Nashville. I don't know shit about Alabama. I don't know anything about Huntsville. But I know we're stuck in this two bedroom apartment

and I knew it was a 14 hour drive to Huntsville. And I said, let's fucking go and see what this place is. Cause we started looking at what we could afford. Okay. And it's like. Cooking. I mean, night and day. Yeah.

Yeah. Surely he's running for mayor. Oh my God, dude. Open his own casino down there. So we drive out there and the pace is, you know, people say you pump the brakes on life. This was pulling the fucking e-brake on the highway. This was everything was different.

My kids got a yard, backyard, front yard, two acres, six bedrooms, the mortgage is $300 more than the rent was on a two bedroom apartment in a story. It's crazy. Two acres. They love to talk about the, when the city kid, when they, when they, when they move out there, they love to talk about the acres.

It's all I got. It's all I got. I open and close. Walk the perimeter every morning. Open and close with it. And so we went out there. We love the, the change of pace. We love the fact that people out there are just living life.

Nobody's lecturing you about anything. Nobody's in your business. And well, I mean, it's the suburbs. Everybody's in your business, but it's on a different level, right? Gotcha. And the manners out there, like everybody's so polite, so nice, they still beat their kids.

So the kids are great, you know? They're fucked. They raise a good crop with that. I don't give a fuck what you say. I see those fuckers on Saturday mowing the lawns. Yeah. Right? They're flinching, but they're fucking mowing the lawns.

They all got black eyes. Yeah, but they're learning. So, so yeah, so we, we moved out there and we've been out there for the last 10 months. House has gone up 20%. Look at you. What's up, dawg? Look at you.

And so, property owner, that's two fucking acres. Baby, love that. So, but when I moved there, I was still working for the show because we were all working from home. Right. And then I just felt like, yeah,

I just felt like it was time to try my own thing. I loved my 15 years there. I loved everything I've learned. It's the reason why I'm able to do what I do because what I've learned from working with Howard, working with Jay Thomas, working with Scott Pharrell, those three radio guys are original dudes and do their own thing.

And I got to work with all three of them and take little pieces from each of them and throw that into my thing. And I respectfully said, I'm gonna bow out of here. I appreciate everything. And you guys have a good one and I'm gonna bet on me. And that's what I've been doing.

That's sick. Love it, baby. I like it. Love it. You guys were a big influence in that, dude. I see you guys fucking climb. No, for real, man. Thank you, buddy. Appreciate that.

Until you hired Toby. And then, you know. Everything went down, huh? So that's a nice fucking end of the rainbow up there. I love that. We're happy. I love that. And then I came back here.

So I think, I want to ask, it's time to play a little AY fucking G, baby. I want to know about now, how you operate now, what's going on? So you got the house and the burbs, which is big for us. We grew up in the burbs. So it's, that's kind of how the show kind of came to be.

Right. Do you want to lead off or what do you want to do? What do you have? What do you have in mind? We're doing a single family home here, right? Yeah. A garage? You want it down the middle.

Got a fridge in there? No fridge in the garage. Got to get that taken care of. Yeah. First things first, fridge and garage. Although, well, I have a fridge in the kitchen upstairs and then in my studio downstairs, there's another fridge.

Does that count? Or are we talking like that? Is it a mini? No. Two full size fridge in the house is all right. What's in there? What are you fucking writing a book? What are you recording a podcast?

Is it just things for podcasts and the people over dealing with podcast things? There's some stuff for the podcast, there's leftovers that can't fit in the big fridge. That's trash, but it's great. I love it. I won't sit for this. I'll dare you.

I come here and you insult me. When you have to get a new one in the kitchen or that one, throw one out into the garage. Yeah. You want to be a three fridge family household? Look at the size of him. Of course he wants us to be three fridge family. He's in a three fridge apartment right now.

I say we should all have our four fridges. This is an outrage. I'm for the kids. Right. Ice pops. I do enough for the kids. They're fine. Yeah, they're good.

Two acres. I'll know if you earn. Hey, you want an ice pop? Clean the fucking litter before some of these cats go find new homes. How about that? Oh my God. How many cats?

All right. Oh no. That's not a good answer. Yeah. It should be one or two or none is the acceptable answer. You can't do the fucking graveyard shift at fucking Carvel Ice Cream Casino and have multiple cats.

This is gonna be a problem. Yeah, this is not good. I'm not a huge fan of this. So we left New York with three cats and a dog. We are now in Alabama. Oh boy. With five cats. What?

And two dogs. What are you hitching? Listen, there's not a lot of Jews there. I need all the backup I can get. It's true. You understand? Claws and paws. Let's go.

We gotta roll out. I understand that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My big thing. Need as many things that'll make noise in the middle of the night and make you the fuck up, truly. Suck my soul right out of my breath, obviously.

What'd you do? This was over the pandemic. You guys are around. Yes, I got my kids. So a friend of my wife's found a cat that had kittens on the street. And so my girls wanted kittens. So I do the suck or dad thing.

And they each got kittens. That's awesome. And then one thing leads to that. We find a cat out back one day, a kitten. Now that we're gonna give it away, then the girls start crying. We don't want to give it away. I'm a pussy.

Yeah. And they have, they have full Roman. They go outside and all that shit. No, they're not outside cats. Cause Alabama, they're all inside. They're inside, but it's a huge place. They have their little. Six bedrooms.

They have their little cat sanctuary over there that they just chill at. Plus I got, so my thing was, I told my wife the one thing I want is a big dog. I haven't had a big dog in years. I always grew up with big dogs. Missed big dogs. You apparently have dogs.

You guys had dogs. That's awesome. Working the car wash. Yeah. Well, not in Israel anymore. We can have animals as pets. So, so I got a, this guy comes, you want to talk about trash.

Guy comes over to take a look at our gas line from the gas company and he's sitting there working on something. And he says, yeah, he goes, just had a litter of puppies. And I go, oh really? What kind? He goes German shepherd.

I'm like, oh, I go really? That's how it is down there. Everyone's having a litter of something at some point. I go, you know? I go, how many did you have? He goes, she had 11. God damn. What the fuck?

Yeah, real horror. And I go, and I go, you got any left? And he says, well, my ex-wife promised the last one to a friend of hers, but she's my ex-wife. So for 500, I'll give it to you. Damn. You're selling them.

And I go, yeah. And everybody, and that's the thing. Cause people are like, was it a rescue? And I'm like, yeah, for 500 bucks. I rescued it from this fucking toothless guy who was fixing gas lines. And I brought her home, all black German shepherd puppies, Lila, and she's fantastic.

But I mean, this dog represents Alabama. I go out at night before bed, smoke a joint. And next thing you know, I see her chasing a fucking armadillo up to the port. And I'm like, where am I? You got armadillos? Yeah. I'm like, where am I?

I ain't never coming to visit you, Shulam. I'm sorry. They don't do anything. I don't care, man. I don't like the looks. And I get that shell and shit. No way. Yeah, it's no good.

Wow. They're not bothering you. And you cross to the other side of the street like a judgmental asshole. I ain't fucking with nothing. They're like fast turtles. I ain't doing it. They're like fast turtles.

I'm not. No. Fucking crab dogs, man. No shot. That's awesome. They're better than possums. At least you know they're alive. Possums are fucking.

I don't fuck with any of that shit. Daniel Day-Lewis shit on you possums. Son of a fucking. Sits up like the undertaker. What's the grocery store we're going to out there? There's a Publix that I go to, but there is a Walmart Green that if you ever, yeah. What's a Walmart Green?

I don't know, but it ain't good. It's a Walmart with food in it. Yeah. I thought you were gonna say it was like a raw. All natural. Organic or something. Yeah, organic. There's nothing.

Let me tell you something. I'm the most in shape guy in fucking Alabama. You understand me? My crew friends out there, they put you to shame, okay? Big boys down there. If it ain't fried, I didn't know that Twinkie's made a cereal till I moved out to Huntsville. Really?

Yeah. Looks like we're moving the show to Huntsville. Yeah. Dude, when you walk into a Walmart and you're walking by, then all of a sudden you walk by milk. You're like, what the fuck? Why is this here? Why are these worlds colliding?

With fucking beach chairs on top of it. I saw pancake syrup that was Captain Crunch, Crunch Berry flavored pancake syrup. And cough medicine. In the supermarket. So they are not looking out for people there. Yikes. But people are happy.

That's fucking awesome. Publix is nice though. Yes. That's good. Yeah. Okay. This is a throwback. Butter on the counter or butter in the fridge?

Butter on the counter. Really? Yeah. Parents did that too? No. They didn't. No. Is it your wife thing maybe?

Yeah. Yeah, she did it. Yeah, my wife is like pretty much a chef. Where's your wife from? From Jersey. Okay. Yeah. Met her out here.

Nanju. Jersey baby. Ha ha ha ha. All shixa all day long. Yeah. She got shixa peel. I love it. I tried that shit.

Like the butter on the counter. Pretty good. Oh, butter on the counter is a nice touch. I don't do it. I should do it. I don't know why. We just grew up not. That would be insane in my household,

but I would like to try it. Anything you want. Smooth. Just smooth. Take that steak off the grill. Throw that. Pow. You don't have to wait an hour for the fucking thing.

What's the milk with dinner situation down there? The milk with dinner? Yeah. Like, is it allowed? Yeah, you guys do it. Yeah, we left Israel. We can do kosher, kosher. Yeah, of course.

We can. Do you guys do it? You sit down, you're having pasta where you break out the gallon of milk. No, never. I never drink milk with pasta. I mean, it can be done, but am I insane? A lot of people do it.

Am I an insane man in a pineapple shirt? You seem like a straight shooter. Okay. Well, you intrigued me with the butter. I didn't want to ask. I mean, that's a big jump, fully. I know. You know?

Well, both dairy products. Pineapple juice and falafel mix, you know? It's like, where are we going? This does look like a break room in a margarita. It really does. So sick of those songs, man. It's the first second and third chip. All right, here we go.

Silly, they're gonna drug test us. We gotta go bleach our skin. Jimmy Buffett's here. Quick, let's all piss for each other. Ever buy anything at auction? No. The Swap Beats count? No.

I mean, it's pretty garbage. That's trash though. I'll give it to you. Have you ever watched the implosion of a building? Yes. Oh. But, but in my defense. That is the number one trash thing, baby.

In my defense, I lived in Vegas for 12 years. You know how many casinos they imploded? It doesn't matter. That's fucking awesome. It literally happened. Listen, it literally happened on my way home from work. I'm driving down the highway. The Sands Hotel is on my left, right?

I've been living there eight, nine years. I was so sick of Vegas. All of a sudden, I see this C-130 plane being like, on the street, like being towed, and it goes next to the building, and then I see the building just go, and just go down. And my first thought is,

was that a fucking terrorist attack? Like, what did I just see? Turns out they were filming Con Air. I don't know if you remember the end of Con Air. Yeah. Holy shit. And I just happened to be driving down the highway when that scene happened,

and I see them blowing up the Sands Hotel, and I put it all together, and I just go, all right, well, it's Vegas. What are you gonna do? Also, have you ever been on set at Con Air? Dude, there is nothing. That is the most garbage thing that I've ever heard. That's the White Trash Mission Impossible.

That's fucking awesome. By the way, add this to the White Trash as far as not an implosion, but the opposite. We were at the grand opening night when they let the public in to the Luxor Hotel. At like 3 a.m., they opened the doors, and all these fucking losers, yours truly included, come running into this,

because see it like, what's supposed to happen? I don't know, man. That this place is open. What are you getting out of it? And then we made the huge mistake of going to go eat at the car, go eat at a restaurant on their first night open ever, and have fun waiting seven and a half hours.

Talk about a tune-up game for this. It was the dumbest thing I've ever done. I got one from a listener sent me. It's pretty frigging solid, and I think I'd like to hear all three of your answers on this. So, Lisa Marie, have you ever changed the temperature on someone else's thermostat?

Oh, yeah. Fuck yeah, my mom's all the time. Yeah, I said it, what's up, Patty? Oh, me and Eli, my pops. That's our thing, dude. That's the Gaza Strip, we fight over it. You like it colder, he likes it hotter, I assume. He makes up nonsense, okay?

He's a cheap fucker, and he doesn't, and so we're in Vegas this summer. This summer, we just came to visit. Las Vegas. Las Vegas. Nevada. 100. 114 this day, right?

This day was 114, I go to the thermostat. You know what it's set to? Guess. 78. I wish, it was set to 81. 116. 81, so I turned it down like a maniac to 77, right? Yeah.

Ha ha ha ha ha. He comes out in his fucking BVD nut huggers, no shirt. No wonder he's not hot, he's fucking Tarzan walking around, and he goes, Julie, let me explain something to you. When you turn the thermostat down, it doesn't get colder, it just makes the engine work harder. And I go, well.

That's some old country shit right there. I said, well, why are there numbers on the fucking thing if it doesn't make a difference? Why isn't there pictures of fish on the fucking thermostat? Or a building, like, of course it gets colder. You wouldn't eat. It's a job. The rotisserie in this fucking condo are theirs.

They're just slow cooking us. And it's a fight every year, every year. Yeah, that's a fucking tough one. That's a fucking thing. Yeah. Let me see here. What about, what's the coffee pot situation over at your place?

We got the pot thing, the curing. Class. It's nice. It's nice. Not bad. Do you have one of those instant kettles? No. No, we don't.

Toaster oven? We got a toaster, we don't have a toaster oven, and we got, oh yeah, no, no, no. The toaster does have the thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Air fryer?

Yeah. That's big. What's the mayonnaise situation? I feel like they're trash. Do we do it or do we not do it? I'm not a huge fan of mayo. You have it in the house? It's there.

What does she buy? Is it Miracle Whip or is it Hellman's? Hellman's. Yeah. It's all right. Hey, listen. Don't fucking insult me. I'm trashed.

The classiest thing that ever happened to me is my shixa. Yeah. Is your wife. I got you. I got you. I'll take it. You're living the dream. I need the points.

Fucking two acres. Have you ever been inside a PT cruiser? No. No, no, no. Okay, okay. I had a great question. Do you ever wear any pins? Pins on your jacket?

I'm sure I had pins on my jacket when I was in, like, middle school. Yeah, the 80s. Yeah, yeah, because I had denim. I had the denim jacket. Pins were big in the 80s. Kiss, couple kiss pins. I think mine were like sticky, like, you know,

two pigs banging and said making bacon on it. Like that was a pin I owned for a long time. I bet you were big on those t-shirts, weren't you? Oh, I love that. Loved them. Got sent home. I'm a stupid or something. Were you a big Johnson t-shirt guy?

If you can read this, the bitch fell off the Harley. That is the dead giveaway for a white trash idiot. Is a gimmick t-shirt. Dude, it's right up there with the, you know, Semity Sam mudflaps. Those are fucking trash. Or the trailer hitch balls. Oh, God.

Truck nuts. Truck nuts. That's good, clean fun right there. I don't know what we're doing. Would you ever consider yourself to be good at laser tag? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Because if you do, you're trash. Listen, I fucked around with it and it's prime.

Don't get me wrong. I had the vest on. I suited up, suited and booted, but no. There was always one guy who was doing, like barrel rolls and shit. You're like, dude, it's a seven, it's a seven, it's a greater birthday party. What do we do?

Yeah, I got a half a pizza in me. Hey Rambo, take it easy, will you? My buddy had a bachelor party, a two-part bachelor party. One part of it during the day, the other one at night. So during the day, took a bunch of us, like 16 of us to a paintball range. That's big. I have, yeah, have you ever owned a paintball gun?

Was my next question. No, but I can tell you that it was one of the most painful experiences. It's not fun, man. After, after. Oh, yeah. Because you don't realize the muscles you've never used because you've never been shot at.

Yeah, never been in war. Right. So when you're being shot at and there's, you're used muscles that the next day I would, if I had to take a shit, I'd just have to fall into the toilet. I couldn't bend, I couldn't do anything. You missed basic training.

You went right to the fucking war. Yeah, but these kids that like work there, like the laser tag of the new generation, kids got a backpack on with like paintballs. Fucking, I'm like, how many do you need? We suck. I know. Yeah, you guys are shooting each other.

It's over, Johnny. It's over. Ha ha ha, um. Favorite salad dressing? This is big. You know, I don't do, I do Israeli salads a lot at home, which is like the lemon juice and the. Say no more, my friend.

Yeah, that's good. But you know, one of my favorite dressings is the salad you get at the Hibachi, like a Benihana. Never been. Never been? No, never been to Benihana. I've been to Hibachi, which is trash. Yeah.

Hibachi is trash. You've never, it's like porn. The minute you're done, you're like, what am I doing with my son? Very classy answer right there. I got a couple of classy answers out of them. I don't know. My head's starting to turn the other way.

Don't worry, I'll change it. Yeah, this guy's fucking, I mean, we got him dead to rights. Let's see here. So now you're, you have a car, right? Have you ever had an air freshener in your car that wasn't the tree? Something besides the tree.

I don't think so. I think it's always been the tree. And I put in those glades and the vents and the. No. The fan spins around. No. What the fuck is that? I did have one.

Do you have one you go to? Like what kind of tree? I don't know the scent of it, but the black one is a good one. That's typically black ice. Black ice. Look at you. Leans a little trashy.

The black ice leans a little trash. Has a very, your car vibe to it. Yes, yes, yes. I'll take that. Cool water. Every Russian immigrant vibe to it. I like it. A little cool water thrown in there.

Yeah. Ever rode in a car that was being towed? No, I rode in the tow truck that was towed in the car. Yeah, that's always an awkward conversation. But I asked and the guy's like, can't do it. You know, cause I was like, that'd be fun to drive one. That'd be fucking awesome. Your dad's car wash is one you could drive through?

Yeah. No, it was hand ones. You had the guns. You had the fucking foam brush and he. Yeah. Where you fucking, where you clean out the dead bodies from the car. It was one where you did it yourself?

Yes. Holy fuck. That's why you had to go every day. That changes everything. I didn't know that. Yeah. I thought it was like, you know, Shuley's super wash or something like that.

No, it was Shuley's fucking every other weekend had to go down there and help him clean shit up. And I hated it. I hated it. That smell of car wax. That's great. Any guitars on the walls? No, never played guitar, never learned.

I played trumpet and drums in high school. Very nice. Here's one that I might get you on. How old are your daughters? 11 and six. So you're a gamer. Oh yeah. Right?

Yeah. I assume you have a gaming chair. Yes, I do. How much was that gaming chair? That one I wanna say was under 200. Not bad. But then my wife got me one as a gift and it's like this low to the ground.

It's the most comfortable thing I've ever sat in but there's no way to raise it up. And that one was like $300. So here's my question. Yeah. What do you play, PlayStation or Xbox? I'm on PC, dog. So the kids have their separate?

Yeah. Yeah, it's like the kids' casinos upstairs and dad's in the fucking real casino downstairs. That's what I was getting at. Do you have two PlayStation's, one for the kids and one for you? I hand them down my shit. I ain't buying them new shit.

Fuck that. They're fucking, it's a 360? Oh, well, it's better than no 360. It's true. That's funny. Have you ever been to a cock fight? No. I've had a couple.

Hey, ooh. No. College. Although I did get a haircut. I used to get a haircut at a barbershop in a store where they had it running on the TV. Really? Yeah.

From some satellite channel. I go, how can I not get my haircut here? Yeah, you have to at that point. You ever see your parents' French kiss? No. No. Just really kiss? But I tell you, one of the worst things my mom ever said

when we were doing, years ago, the miserable men's show on Sirius, she called in once and one of the guys asked her, do you and Chewie's dad still have sex? And she said, and they're not affectionate. They don't get along. And her exact quote was, it's the only reason we are still together.

And I'm like, yes, would have been fine, which would have been horrible. So I hear you. All right, buddy. Keep catching your cords. You guys all tangled up over here. Oh, for Klimt. I think I only got one or two more.

And then I got two from the Patreon we can do. I love it. Are you currently, are you a bagelbites or pizza roll family? What way would you lean? Or none? I'm not a fan of bagelbites, to be honest with you. Pizza rolls are okay, but I'll one up you, bro.

Lay it on me, baby. Totino's, party pizza, the square one. No, exactly what you're talking about. Oh, the square one. The square one. That's what you guys are doing? That's what he's doing. That's what I'm doing, bro.

That's what I'm doing. I'll put that fucker away at 2 a.m. on my own, trashing on PC, getting smoked by 12 year olds in cold duty and cursing them out. The crust really is in pizza crust. It's almost like, it's a combination of like cracker and like flatbread, but it's fucking awesome. It's great.

Once you get past that first blast of chemicals that you taste, the rest of it's delicious. Do you call it mini golf or putt putt? Oh, miniature golf. Okay. Super market or grocery store. I think I lean more towards grocery store. Okay.

Cash bag or backpack? Backpack. Dinner or supper? Dinner. Okay. Checks out. Still trash, but we're checking boxes. You got any more?

Do you want to do the Patreon? I got two more. Do you get cash back when you make a purchase? The dirt ball list of dirt ball. Have you ever gone to the ATM just to check your balance? Never. Never, I'm a Jew. What does that cost?

You know what I mean? How much is that fee for me to fucking want to know what I got? Do you have any saved casts at your home right now? Or did you ever save a cast? You broke your arm or something like that. Oh no. I broke my shoulder.

I broke my big toe. Never had a cast for either. Dude, those are two of the trashiest injuries that I've ever. Those are the injuries that they can't do anything for. They just send you off like it's a civil war. Like, ah, just go home and die. They really do.

They duct tape my arm to my stomach and they don't have fun. They tape your big toe to the other one and it's called a fucking day. My dad though, I tell him we're playing football after school, meet a bunch of friends and that's how I broke my shoulder. They went on this side, landed on it.

And I call my dad. I go, dad, I have to go to the hospital. I broke my shoulder. How do you do that? I said, well, we were playing football and they landed on me. I broke my shoulder. You broke your shoulder?

Yeah. He goes, I've never heard of that before. Yeah. My son is a pussy. I've never heard of that. That's fucking awesome. Yeah, I got nothing. That was quite the fucking tail, man.

Yeah. I love it. I got two from Patreon. This one is, this is, they call me judge. Is it garbage or charge your phone at the bar? I would say it's a tough look. The first thing you do when you walk in, do you guys have a charger?

Do you have a charger? Yeah. It's fucking trash. I get that you have to do it sometimes but it's not a good look. Anybody's well open with, can I take a shit here real quick? I know, it's bad.

It's bad. And then like you need it and you're like, can I have my phone and it's a... Oh, it starts chiming the minute you put it up to charge. You're like, I'm sorry, can I see that again? It's a tough look. You stack the plates when you guys go out to eat? Will you take the plates from everybody

and stack them for the server? No, it's your job, dude. That's like fucking the airlines that go, can you help us clean up? I didn't pick your fucking career. You picked it. You clean up this shit. That's what you get paid for.

I paid to fly on it. It was a fucking, you know. Yeah, they do that now. They're under the guise of COVID. Hey, bring your shit with you. Oh, with the song and dance of COVID. Enough already. Let me get a beer and maybe I'll do it, jerk off.

Try to hang out over, you know. Fuck you, get out of the spirit. They give you a mouth guard and a cut man on that fucking flight. Did you see they just duct tape that kid? The best. Oh, fucking love it. And the crew got in trouble for that.

I know, I know, I know. So fucked up. Fuck out of here. The crew got his party mix, huh? Yeah. I'll have his little diet coke. All right, the last one from Patreon here is from Patrick. Ever drink the juice pops before they were frozen.

Yeah, I did do that. I didn't want to care. Just get it a little cold. Yeah, mainline it. Fuck you. Yeah, dude. Move that back like Dizzy Gillespie. You kidding me?

I was walking around like a shot girl at my house. I love it, man. Thank you. 100% certified garbage. Not like I didn't know it coming in here. Unbelievable. I'm proud. The casinos, the old school parents,

I fucking loved it. I fucking loved it. Well, I love you guys, man. And I love the show and you guys are so great. And I'm so happy for all your success. Thank you, buddy. It could have happened to nicer guys. Thank you.

Appreciate it. It means the world to us. Is there anything you want the folks out there to know you got coming up? The staff, the other? Patreon.com. The Shulie show. You can get it for free too, but why would you do that?

There's a ton of bonus content on there. A bunch of episodes that haven't even aired yet. They're coming there. You can get it on all platforms as well on YouTube. And then The Miserable Men show is a thing I do with a bunch of other comics. And that has its own Patreon as well, The Miserable Men show. And yeah, Shalom Shulie is the website,

the Twitter, Instagram, book and more dates coming up. And thanks for having me, man. Get out of here. Absolutely. We love you. I love you guys. Thank you for sitting with us. Kip, what do you got for him?

As always, please make sure you're right. You subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube, Patreon.com. We have merch. We got beer koozies and we're doing another limited runs of the cards. So if you haven't already, get those. Grab them.

And then live shows coming up. We have Baltimore, Maryland, New Brunswick, Stress Factory, San Antonio, Houston, Moontower Comedy Festival, Fort Worth, and Houston coming up. We're putting more in the book. So get some fucking tickets. We're coming to see you again.

We love you, Providence, Boston. Thank you again for coming out. We'll see you next week. Peace.