Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - AYG Goes to Prison - Are You Garbage Patreon (FULL)

Episode Date: May 23, 2025

Here is a full episode from the Are You Garbage Patreon where Kippy & Foley figure out Prison! Join the AYG Patreon for weekly Hard Feelings and bonus episodes of Are You Garbage. Join the Army of Garbage. Thanks for watching. Love youse guys! Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to another exciting edition of R U Garbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey, everybody out there. Welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R U Garbage. Great. So, Lucio, we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that the good to be classy. Yeah. Just a big old piece of trash.

Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, A.Trolley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here or Tootie's in a new edition, but I'm going to tell you folks, why is that flannel boy? Because of the motherfucking... Because of the motherfuckin homie. My bad Windex. What?

Loose guy all day. The motherfuckin homies. Son of a bitch. The goddamn homies. The fucking shareholders. The board members. The sleeper cells. The kippies eyebrows. As I've been saying, the undercover agents and the undercover brothers

Here for a little bonus episode on the old Sure, we got a fun one for you As I said my co-host is coming at you from across the table working the wood chipper today Give it up for KJ Kevin James Ryan. What up gang? Shout out to the motherfucking homies.ies all rockos looking at you in that shirt Thanks We're talking a lot lately. Yeah, I'm talking about That a tangent place to put with me now They do sit down now Lamps casino not bad. Are you done?

That's a very each fully move introduce me then just hang out in my intro Fucking just loiter and just take say hi to that Stolen on camera you freeze up Like fucking Tony Romo over here say something Jesus Christ Man, she really are a ham dude. What okay shout out to you. I fucking love you I can't hate my co-host at the moment You really are a ham, dude. What up, Kay? Shout out to you, I fucking love you. I fucking hate my co-hosts at the moment.

Do you? Kay, it is a bad day for you, for being honest with you. I don't think that's true at all. Okay. How is it a bad day for me? Luke, can you run down his statistics so far today? I'd say he's barely run of the mill, but he came in, insulted me. Right away. Kay showed up an hour and 12 minutes late. I did not show up an hour and 12 minutes late. What time were you supposed to be here? 10 a.m.

Buttons at 11 was what I got. And yes but that means we show up at 10 we pow we have a heater we talk shit. You guys got shit to do. I just come up to work for my show, but I usually just get yelled at So you did come in you did go to work, but it's dirt till 12 15 So there was the hour guys were talking yeah, okay, all right sure about peanut butter or something like that Whatever you're talking about there's about 12 talk to text that I didn't need to hear that I've heard about 15 real conducting business Are you coming to the show? That's what I'm good. Who are you coming with? Fucking something else, but I love you. Thanks, buddy. I'm gonna look What are you? That's when you know you're wrong what I insult you about came in late said are these cameras stood up dickhead

late said are these cameras set up dickhead? That's exactly what he said. Hey, got me there. It gets good. Oh, hold on a second. This big phone call. Hang on. Big phone call we were warned about. Hey buddy, what's going on?

All right. And we're back. Big man had to take care of some business. Yeah, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, know, I know, I have to jump on a call. What was that the call? That that was I thought he was already done

Really just getting in there sure I gotta jump on a call Okay, my plant is sick and I've had this plant for like eight years the money plant It's all I got is it is that the one yeah might have spider mites or what are you kissing it? Gave it herpes herpes in a bad attitude um i've had it since i was a baby it's like 6 feet tall now i don't got any kids

um spider mites now your kids got spiders it was in a pot it was doing great and then it's getting tall she starts fucking busting my bone We can't change Mary you have to put in a bigger pot put in a bigger pot and sure shit It's fucking going now. It's going downhill, and they don't know I don't know what it is the leaves are turning yellow

But it's not because they're dry So I don't know if we're over water in underwater it if there's a fungus in there was there not a good drainage in there So I mean we're like freaking out about this so I fucking I found some fucking guy in Long Island City That fucking does like Like he's like a vet for plants. I got him at the house right now Mm-hmm the bird wearing something sexy yellow hair phrase diskey Like a watch on the ring cam later So oh you're gonna be wearing something sexy. You're a little hip, Bryce Diskey. Something's

like a watch on the ring cam later. So, oh, hold on. I mean, this is nuts. That was not the call. I mean, what call are you waiting for from the guy? That was her saying she's here. Alright, so you're waiting for a call from. He's gonna call,

give me the report when she's done. But, well, she can't get the report and make a decision. She has to say well, but I mean You don't know any he's gonna go. Hey, these are your options and what are you gonna go? We're gonna run it through your botany filter. Tell you I want to hear it from the source only plant You know where to Chiba dog was in the coke. I be plus I want to be able to tell if he's been smooching If you had a brother Get your hands off my plant and start kissing my wife God gotta love you. You're a unique brand the guy anyway Gary, and I'm not the type of guy to fuck

You know, I just I don't want to I love this thing. Mm hmm. I this is I this is I've had this thing like seven years, eight years. I remember I used to sit on the table when we would do hard feelings at your apartment and I hated going to that apartment. Now I couldn't sit on it. It's like six feet tall. That was crazy. Plus, obviously, there's a superstition behind it sure so I'm having that plant final destination Random 2x4. Oh, dude. I'm holding it The butterfly effect That same thing now. Thanks. You sure I mean wasn't he cheating death Kutcher and butterfly effect something Oh, no, it was just he would do something and then it was one little thing

The ripples of that would change his lives like different times or something like that. Oh, he was a time traveler I think it just showed him his like different worlds or something like that. I don't know who cares I'm a Topher Grace man myself really you didn't like Topher Grace He's good nothing no I wasn a who said he was an asshole. That was like a rumor running around. It was to the. Wasn't he the what? Didn't Michael Sarah play him in Judy's game or whatever?

Judy's game, Sarah's game. Wasn't he the famous? I think card play is reversed. Topher was playing. So was Michael Sarah. No, no, no. Topher was playing acting as you're talking about. Cera. No, I think Tofer was playing, acting as... You're talking about Ocean's 11, when they were doing the card game.

No, you're talking about Molly's game. Molly's game. Molly's game? Who's that? Find out who that, I think that was about Tofer Grace. Is that what Jessica Chastain? He was the... I don't know names.

Yeah, it's her. Yeah. Love her. She's all right. Zero Dark Thirty. Ah, zero Kippy Horny No, it's Toby Maguire Toby Maguire Fucking nerds are lucky I don't fucking flex on them

You don't like Toby Maguire either? Spider-Man Only thing less legible than him is you That's all I got I'm those Spider-Man I really puttered out on that one. Alright, let's fucking get into it.

Boys are going to jail! What? I fucking turned States evidence. I fucking flipped on everybody. Somebody get me Todd Spodak on the phone. You know what I want to do? What do you want to do? Nothing.

I was going to say we should... you she was only a fun guy Real cool, dude, we should do it. We should do an episode where we wear head foot like head pieces Why so we can use our hands? I use my hands anyway Come I thought my Butt plug right here wait on a call by the way. This is behind This is it's on a patreon so we can talk about this have you seen the Instagram videos Have you seen the Instagram videos where they got the girls in the uh. Oh my god. Don't finish. They got the girls in the what's the yoga pants and they have the butt plug in and you

can see the little light in there. Sure. Man. Get you going. Imagine that. Imagine being able to who gets away with that. Whores, what do you mean? No, but I mean who has that kind of relationship where they're just doing fun things like that? I think most of them are porn stars doing it for the video. I don't know, looks like regular gals to me. Yeah. What? They're in like Home Depot and shit like that?

You think whores don't go shopping? Are you gonna buy the butt plugs? That's fun. Yeah, spice. Hey, well, do you don't do nothing like that. We'll do it this weekend if you want to come pick me up. I'll put on something. I'll put on something risque. Got a mag light up there.

Keeps falling out. Things loose. You got one of those lights that they use to stop the paparazzi? Like a lighthouse. Woo wee! I love Topher Grace. Okay. That's neither here nor there. We're going to jail. Alright? Danny Masterson is in there. Jesus Christ.

Not a cool guy. Danny Masters That's right, don't forget a bad rap they said he didn't like any of any of that crap around the set And he grab ass. Yeah, any grab ass or nothing like that. He was he was professional. Okay, that's what I was told by Don't forget the plays red Kidding me somebody's brother, isn't he your cousin? Let's quit screwing around. Yeah, so we're going to the can we're going to the can Okay, this is how to survive how to survive in prison. I know how much Get my knee pads and my butt and my yoga pants. Oh, we. Little Suzy. Okay. Uh huh. Now,

where are we going? Federal County. Federal. Federal. Five years federal. That's that's the sentence. **** Cuz I feel like anything over. I don't know what. Nonviolent crime. I killed a man. We're fun guys. We're not partying too hard. You killed a guy. What? You think you can get five years? You're a good lawyer. Todd Spodek. There you go. Got me out. Get you off.

What are the charges? I don't know. Something non-threat, non-violent, non-violent crime. That's not what I'm telling everybody when I get there. Skimming the, mine's cooking the books. Okay. Yours could be eating them. Mine's mine's cooking the books. Okay. Yours could be eating them. I ate the whole non-fiction section. Good luck finding out what happened to Harry Potter now. Ah, that's fiction.

That's fiction. Non-fiction books are thick. Sure. Little mustard. What? I don't know, I thought I was eating them. Hold on. What do you want to go to jail for? If you did go to, what would it be for? Oh mustard what I was eating them hold on What do you want to go to jail for if you did go to what would it be for?

tax evasion Don't say that Fucking crazy. I'm doing it shit. I'm fucking paying my back tax, but you do it I mean, I'm just saying obviously not you now, but that is a world where that was the biggest thing hanging over your head I wouldn't have gotten that What are you talking about? Would have been alright. Okay, paying it now. No one's listen. You're getting defensive and weird about this and it's fine I'm not saying you're not But it's getting made fun of by the fucking Suits about it. I know

Just tax that I'm paying off like a dirtball. Hey we're all jammed up! 2004. Uh, whatever. What do you want to go in for? What am I telling people I'm in for? No. What do you think you... You, H. Foley, drugs.

That's what it would be. Sure. Am I moving weight? No, you're trying but you talk to a cop, right? It was clearly... This guy was wearing a uniform and you still sold to him. Because if it was if it was

like personal use, I wouldn't get five years. No, that's what I'm saying. You were you were you were behind. You were trying to you were you were middleman in something. Okay. Hey, I know a guy. I know a guy. Let me introduce you to

him. That was that was real close to happening about 15 years ago. I did it one time. I got so scared. Oh, it was all set up. It was all set up. I lied and said, I can't make it. My roommates were going away and my somebody wanted to finger you now wanted to wrap some presents. If you know what I mean for the weekend and the take wasn't great. Yeah. Oh, I fucking freaked out about it.

And luckily he decided against it. It was probably a real cool work environment. He goes to the bathroom, goes back, you're just ravaging all the presents. Fucking scumbag. I thought you left. I thought you were. I thought you said these were for me. I'm staying out in the hallway. Oh, quick out the hallway. Woo woo woo!

Quick out the window! Uh, so I gotta cut- NUMBFIT ON THAT! I got a little bit of prison slang we gotta learn before we get there. Yeah. Uh huh. So we'll do a, uh, do you- I need to say cup the bowls.

I think that's just how you say it. Okay. I got that down. Do you know what a shank is? Come on, what am I, a fucking rookie? My cherry? Huh? Newbie? New fish? I know what a shank is come on? What am I a fucking rookie my cherry? Newbie new fish. I know what a shank is. What is it? It's a handcrafted blade weapon or similar to a knife that's associated with prison inmates. Yeah toothbrush. I'd use I

Use on my fork Got one Yeah, shank. I shank you. I also a lamb shank, which is nice, but I don't love lamb Or veal shank kind of an awesome buko. You know what brake fluid is is a pretty good one Do I know what brake fluid? Uh-huh. They're like the actual definition. What am I an asshole? No what you do? You're gonna get got right away What am I an asshole? No, what you do? You're gonna get you're gonna get got right away In the joint in the pen break fluid break fluid something you drink It's a term for psychiatric medicine. Whoa, sort of break fluid at them. Oh, here we go. The big call Ah the big call god damn it. What the fuck? Who is it?

the fuck? Who is it? Hello. Got you. All right. Let me go. I love you. All right. One of the many phone calls has been completed yet again and I listened to most of it. It was very unnecessary. I'm sorry. It's not. It wasn't the guy. It was her. So she was telling me the situation, not the guy. I guess he's not calling. Yeah, I wouldn't want to call you either. Said the plants are I need a little bit of bug juice. Give you some bug juice. Oh, I guess what is to call you either. Said the plants are I need a little bit of bug juice. Give you some bug juice. I guess what is a bug?

What is a bug? A packet of heroin. That's going to be a guess for everything. What is a sleeve of hair? It's a person like a bug to describe a person annoying person. That's pretty good. Bugging this guy's a bug. A bug is a prison staff member considered untrustworthy or unreliable? Prison staff member yeah, I guess you gotta play ball a little better. Yeah. Yeah, it's a whole ecosystem in there and

Do you know what all? all day Huh all day all day breakfast I'm gonna get fucked up on his joint All day all day. Yeah, like I'll do it all day But yeah, you can't just take it back to I'm around all the time. No, I mean the life sentence. I'm doing all day That's dark dude all night. Fuck that. That's what I I mean I'm telling people I'm doing all day murder triple murder fucked guys up. Yeah, who was who'd you kill Tony? Oh, what and what a triple murder Tony and who he killed Tony three times and his two buddies

They kill over their name Rick and Steve. That's a crew. Yeah, Tony Rick and Steve. What do they do their triads? See now you get the triads here you know, I made a deal what what what business they wanted me to kill What business did you have with the triads? powder baby Yeah, couple bug they were ripping off they worked they were in the triads they were ripping the triads off I got caught up in triads Chinese what so Tony Rick and Steve are all high-end members of the triads why do you think they wanted them out

Tony Yang by the way okay Anthony Tony Yang and Rick and Steve Chan the Chan brothers I don't think that was a real They were twins, but they look alike Couldn't tell them apart. I'm sorry good guys Well, they were good guys. I had to Well, yeah why they were ripping you off they weren't ripping me off who were they ripping off they were ripping off to triads So you stepped in on the Triads' behalf.

That's why I'm protecting you, so don't fuck around or I'll fucking bug you. You're already doing that. I got a fucking all day sentence of that. Fucking bugging me all day, dude. Shank you. With a bone. Yeah, that's what I'm in for. I'm doing it all day dude shank you with a bone yeah that's what I'm in for okay what do it all day you should know this one what a kite a kite or flying kites they're

flying means they're bringing over shit uh-huh they fly a kite over and drop it drop the bag in the yard you go pick it up. This is all drugs Yeah, they drop shit in contraband now hold on don't be giving it away let me guess you're gonna get me killed I Think you'd I think you see you'll see your own fate when you killed Rick and Steve Tony that's a double cross dude Tony Yang and the Chan brothers Rick and Steve Where'd you meet where'd you kill him Chinatown? Little Italy

Yeah, that's where I did it and an alley back there with a katana sword. It's all I had with me All right flying kites They're flying kites. You know this one a lot of rap lyrics. Yeah, I've learned from a kite Learned from a kite. Could you use it as sentence, please? Country of origin Guantanamo Bay. Sing Sing.

Flying a kite. They're flying a kite. Isaac, use it in a sentence. I got a, I think it's a 50 cent real CEO face. CEO. Kippys tossing cells. Open up that butthole. and sells open up that butthole I got a kite from the pen telling me it's in many men I got a kite from the pens told me Chuck got knocked I got a kite from

the pen a letter yeah that's pretty good but they like letters down the cell as well like flying kites to each other oh Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're writing shit down. That's first my textin Okay Do my talking with my shit? Oh, this one's pretty good ninja turtles pooping drugs a bag Ninja Turtles, uh-huh got killers boys are coming dudes that try to sneak away in the sewers Take Pictionary all over

Right no, I don't think I don't think that's happened enough to be a name for them Ninja Turtles. It's about the guards They wear masks Dressing full riot gear. Also known as also known as hats and bats. Hats and I got hats and bats. Fucking turtles coming down, dude. Ninja turtles coming down. Mm hmm. Mexicans got on boots.

Shout out to Ali Sadik. Oh. Ali Sadik. Mm hmm. OK. Peels. Peels. Yeah.

P-E-E-P-E-E-L-S. Peels. Peels. Can you use it in a sentence? The boys got their peels. Peels. Yeah. P E E P E E L S. Peels. Peels. Can you use it in a sentence? The boys got their peels on. The boys got their peels. The little socks that have sticky things on them. What did you know? Hospital. I don't think I don't think the prisons are worried about their traction. No. Am I close? What's peels? Give me a give me a what are peels? Orange peels. There you go. What's peels? Give me a- give me a- what are peels? Orange peels. There you go.

Where's all that good guessing now, huh gang? Huh? Where's all that good fucking guessing? Envelopes. When he doesn't have my great writing to rely on, this is what he does. Drawing. Envelopes. What? You're wearing envelopes on your feet.

Peels. See? And he's a good guesser. Hold on! It was my amazing artistic skill and Forethought and and and quick wit stop bringing up old shit to draw a goddamn joint to draw exactly what he needed to make the first guess and second guesses at 2-4 What is P you said the word? Flip-flops no orange orange peel what's orange in jail?

Jumpsuits. There you go. So they got their peels on. They're in the orange jumpsuits. What would you do? What? With the lap taken at the fucking laptop? What would a goddamn know at all? I would probably mean I'd probably have to. What are you in for? Cooking the books. Embezzlement. So we're not going to fucking, we're not going Mac security, right? These were big books I was cooking. We're going to a country club. It's still, I don't.

Aren't we? Country club's not federal. Yeah, no, we're doing fed time. Yeah, it is. Well, wherever they sent Jordan Belfort. I'm not going to that pussy shit. What? You want the smoke?

I want Pelican Bay Set me set me with the bullies Can you say give me liberty you give me death? Lock up roll country club prisons are private prisons for profit ooh So you have to pay for that I I don't think no they're just They're the the government, but they pay the the government pays them so it is that was like those kids got that was in Pennsylvania they got trumped up fucking that judge was taking kickbacks for sending kids to jail for like

Stealing $40 out of cuz you get paid per head but hold them with just but it's nicer there. Yeah. Yes. Why can't I go there? Nonviolent crime? Because you killed Tony's D.D. It's not a crime, it's triple homicide. I didn't kill him. You were in bed with the Triad. That's what I'm going to tell people in there. You can't be trusted.

I don't know what you're saying. I don't even know you anymore. I want to go to the country club, though. Learn tennis. Um. I'll work in the... What would you do there? You're a prison wolf. what's that mean pretty cool right

the prison wolf do you know what it is your howl at the moon blowing dudes yeah is it prison wolf is an inmate is normally straight on the outside but engages in sexual activity with men while in court sir it's also he's also a new york wolf too right wait a minute Garza He's also a New York wolf too Wait a minute What would be your angle when you get there I

Probably have to where would you want to work? I'd shoot the fade real shoot a fade real quick. What shoot the fake a haircut Take a little off the top Hey guys now you got to fight somebody. No, I don't think that's the answer. That's the answer. That's the answer. They take the fucking movies, dude. First of all, you get your ass beat. And then you're going to be the guy's bitch.

No, but you're respected for fighting. Yeah. What the fuck do you? What are you talking about? That's what Asap Rocky said when he was at Rikers. Oh my god. Probably crying at lacrosse camp. I'll be in the country club prison. Oh father What do you got

What do you mean? What do I got? You said you were looking up what to do? Yeah, if you have I think you got a fight now I'm telling I'm gonna get a nice job in the hospital That's Adam's. Yeah, I'm doing something like that. So I'm untouchable. Something positive for the community. Yeah, that's what they want. Well, you in there bugging everybody. I mean, I have a lot I have a lot that I could, you

know, bestow on people. How to be personable, how to kill your friends that you're dealing drugs with I? Want to backpedal on that? Night tough guy. I'm not going the tough guy route Script change I'll go to fucking pound pound Yeah, I would be like a counselor Go ahead and get it. You'd be a counselor But you can't just become a counselor. Yeah, you can yeah go to school. You didn't roll in school Woodworking you get it. Well, where would you want to work? What work? And what do you mean? I could teach acting

I could put on a play you're in jail Fucking I could put on a play you're in jail Fucking a double dildo show Hey simple jack My new play tear gas. One man show. That's so bad. Tear gas. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe I'm not fighting. I'm not fighting. Bitch it up.

Find out if you have to fight your first day in jail. Well, you gotta fight, like if someone steps to you. Yeah, if someone tries to do what you call first day in jail. Well, you gotta fight, like if someone steps to you... Yeah, if someone tries to do what you call outside of microaggression, you gotta fucking... You gotta stand up for yourself. Then you get more time and all that stuff. No, you go in the bathroom, you shoot the fade, they respect it. I'm sure you'll pay. I'll fight myself.

I get my hair kicked and shit myself. Good thing I'm in the bathroom. I'm blowing dudes. Like a fat girl at a fucking sticks concert Gentlemen you got fucking kool-aid on your lips Hang on a second. I think that I would be able to with with my skill set, I would be able to go in and like organize like how Henry do for what's his name? Was it Henry do frame? Andy do for a high end tax attorney. He ran the

library like Brooksie or in the library. I'll raise a bird. Give you a bird. He'll be blowing a bird. I'll give you a bird. He'll be blowing a bird. **** eating bird all day, dude. Yeah, some **** like that. Okay. Teach people. They're going to see your fat **** waddle in and be like all over you, dude. This guy, this guy's got no self-discipline. He'll do anything for a piece of candy.

Do they have candy? It's funny you bring that up. I have a list of the commissary. Ooh, alright, now we're talking. United States Penitentiary Outwater California Commissary Shopping List. Way more on here than I ever expected yet your sodas. Okay. 12 pack of Pepsi Max.

12 pack. Pepsi Max. Max that seems a little. You can get starry lemon lime or Mountain Dew Spark. What's Mountain Dew Spark? I don't know. Must be just some prison shit. Six bucks and 40 cents.

$6.40 for a 12-pack? It's not bad. Better than Walmart. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. This place ain't so bad. You got the charging out there? Boys, I'd rather be in here with you guys.

Mountain Dew spark is just getting discontinued and like it all like the show it's all shit the pepsi get rid of story drinking fucking winter Coca-Cola's in fucking August cinnamon we were with someone else with somebody last night after spots and they grabbed went to get pizza and they grabbed

Coconella spiced We passed it around the table it tasted like coffee man. It was horrible. He went as a guy I can't drink this man. It was red Just like a little pink at the top or something tried to return it. He did I was like to go get another one. That's fucking I'm not gonna I'm not gonna watch you drink this Is it like like Christmas spice? Yeah, but it's like robot us in somebody. I think Tom Cassidy. It's a little robot doesn't eat Well get that tossing in them All right, what else I got a lot of ice cream. Okay, yes the manufacturer Twix ice cream ooh M&M ice cream. Okay, yeah your electronics

Electronics you can buy get a tablet probably for reading a radio an mp3 player or Casio watch no shit Man, that's us probably getting traded. Let that having any of that stuff makes you a mark I ain't gonna be walking around my fucking boombox That stuff makes you a mark. I ain't gonna be walking around my fucking boombox Fucking prison wolf How that the full moon that I please take my watch or my Pepsi sparkle Yeah, fuck that you don't go and flash you with that's the pack of skittles. That's it. I don't know what want to. Let the tongue do the work. Ah, that must be high stakes.

That's so funny. Yeah, you know what I mean. It's good skittles. Come on. you know the chance bad to pass it off pretty quick. Hold on. This is commissary or this is at the snack. This is commissary is what you can buy. Okay, the snack shop. What do you mean? I don't know. This is updated June 29th, 2023. All sales are final too.

Limited to one each unless otherwise noted. Limited to one each, you can only get one. Of each. I just see you trading shit. Damn, they got a lot, dude. Where the fuck is that? That's what I would do, I'd run that. That's it.

Start some scam. No guy coming in is getting that job right away. Yeah, I guess somebody would be all fucking, Red will be in there. that job right away. I guess it would be old fucking. Red will be in there all day to him. Yeah, red doing it all day. Man, he was good in that Morgan Freeman. What I loved about that movie was the book was about an Irish guy and they didn't change the name.

So that line about why why do you why they call you red? And he goes, I don't know, I guess my freckles. Yeah. It's like breaks that fourth one. Anywho, you got jalapeno summer sausages, you got beef sausage, you got honey pepper turkey log, shredded pork chorizo, you got bumblebee tuna, you got shredded shredded chicken breast Chinese lump chung sausage I'll be doing a boy's you in the dry. I can't have a lump of song for everybody. Get back in there. Good grace. He got a little poo poo. Guys, let's put this all behind us.

Okay, you got a mackerel pouch. Mackerel mackerel. that's fine. That's fine. That's All over them fucking pep slices, dog. You think they got Hormel's in there? Woo! Kippin' like a nice slice of pepperoni. Get your shiv on ya. I don't care if it's pepperoni, you know string cheese jalapeno cheese squeeze squeeze a shredded jeep beef pouch a Turkey stick squeeze peanut butter

Chili with beans refried beans chorizo refried beans. Well, they cook it in the cell Yeah Tresor refried beans were they cooking in the cell yeah? But if they're selling that stuff why don't they give them stuff to cook with instead of doing on a radiator and shit I don't know sure. I think it's all probably cooked Okay, it's like MRE type stuff like it's already shredded chicken in a fucking pouch. I mean there. That's it though you know That's it for the food items. That's not bad. I mean like you can make a decent menu. What?

Any nudie mags? You got condiments. You got mayo. Dragon Express soy sauce, honey, sweet and sour, hot chili, cream cheese, lemon juice, jalapeno peppers, yellow chili peppers, Tito's hot dill pickles. I mean, I've stayed at worse hotels. Ranch dressing packets, minced garlic, minced onion, soul seasoning. Kill for having that at a Hamptons Inn. Who's telling me? Little mackerel pouch. That's crazy. Chips. You got jalapeno, Cheetos, spicy Doritos, sweet and spicy Doritos, a lot of I'm gonna throw a pouch. That's crazy. Chips. You got your you

got jalapeno, Cheetos, spicy Doritos, sweet and spicy Doritos, a lot of Doritos, pork rinds, Cheetos, hot fry. I got hot fries in jail. Cookies and crackers, snacks and nuts. I feel if anybody sees you eating that shit, they're

gonna beat the shit out of you. No, I think everybody's eating it. But there's a problem is you buy it and then they go and steal it when you're in the shower. Yeah. I had three packs of fucking ramen there. What am I gonna do? Shoot the face. Start woofing it. You're hiding yourself. Hey, someone stole my Cheetos. Alright, I'll blow you. Man. Pretty nuts, dude. That's a guy. Realistically, what would you want your job to be? I wouldn't want to work in a laundry room.

I know that. Why? The sisters get you. I got them Robin. Yeah. Well, I want to do something, something good, something that I want to show value. So, nobody would fuck with me like working in like I got it. I know what I would do if there was HVAC local radio. If there's a if there's an in So, nobody would **** with me. Like working in like I got it. I know what I would do if there was HVAC local radio. If there's a if there's an in

house radio show, I'm a broadcaster. I'm an entertainer. There's no local radio show. Let's start one. Write a letter to the senator. He's got a couple of they own airwaves in here. I'd make a podcast. Start a pod in there. Start a pod.

I'd be, I'd be riffing on everybody. Yeah, that's fun. I get my ass kicked. It's called the wrong guy. A prison wolf. I'd be all over me. Yeah, there's a few prison radio stations out there and podcasts. Yeah.

I, that's what I would do. Yeah, we clean up I tell some bits or something Hopefully we get sent to the same spot You do it. I mean if it was listen if it was me and you together in there It'd be for the better of morale to let us fucking do our get in there and razz if I think friggin new guy Luke to Frame him He's back to bringing new guy Luke to frame him There you go be like royalty in their shoutouts birthdays

Doing cameos can't forget a birthday though. No Yeah, James. Oh, they're looking all year for that. My whole thing's birthdays. Everybody in there. Getting real cozy with the warden too. He's not working in his office. It's tough to get to though. You think? The warden's not just, he's not taking office hours. Those guys usually- I wanna see if they have porn.

No. What? No? You can't get your hands on a nudie mag? I don't think so. Maybe somebody sneak it in sure Would you want them come visiting you? What would you want them come visit? He is them my wife and her new husband?

Hey guys doing Heard you got a small dick is that him to me insult injury Wow back to the terms okay, you might get some stuff down here, so I know what the hell's going on I got to shiv I got the bug stainless steel ride stainless steel ride the toilet No, it's really good pretty good though Stainless steel ride like RID, not rod ride ride. I'll take you down in a stretcher.

That's not bad. Wheelchair gurney. So trashy. He's on a gurney. If you're on a gurney, you ain't making it. You're fucking jammed up. Took him out on a gurney. Stretcher. It's alright.

When my mom says gurney, man, you got about 24 minutes to live. He took him out on a gurney. You definitely don't give it to someone else. You're fucked up. Took him out on a gurney. That's such a Philly trashy word in the field. Took him and it's always whispered. They took him out on a gurney.

That whenever the helicopter had to show up. They metivact them. They landed that in the jewels of life. They're gonna need the jewels of life to get you out of there. I remember I didn't know what that was and they used to make fun of me for eating so much when I was a kid. I think when I finally saw that's goddamn rude. Caught you the jaws of life. Yeah like the jaws of life over there and then I saw it on an episode of cops. That's fucking mean.

Things cutting through metal. I didn't like it because I thought it on an episode of Cops. It's fucking mean. Things cutting through metal. I didn't like it. Cause I thought it ate the metal. Like it was, like, you know what I mean? I was like, oh, it's just a big pair of scissors. You know what I mean? Which it kind of is. What?

It is a big pair of scissors. That's what it is. Yeah. I thought the jaws, I thought it was like a machine that like ate, they're like ate the metal till you got it. No, I was a young kid. A robot. Okay. ate the metal till you got it no I was a young kid robot okay what is stainless steel ride wheelchair uh death by lethal injection a stainless steel

needle a stainless steel rug riding the lightning I'm not getting that who knows you could turn well you could do could go bad for you in there No, they don't they don't give you they don't give you a death penalty if you kill somebody in there Yeah, they do. That's what you got to do Your psycho. I don't want to be in solitary Walls would give up What were you going? Yeah. Oh, God.

I think there's only one or two mil. Mil? More. Oh, what's roadkill? That don't sound good. Can you get heaters in jail? Yeah. Smoke cigs in there? I think that might have changed though. Oh, yeah. No. Gotta be able to smoke a cig.

I see what you're saying, but also, dude, I think it's state by state. Yeah. You can still buy tobacco and cigarettes on commissary in New York. Can you smoke in your jail cell? Like, can you just be cranking heaters? Wreckers look scary. I had a buddy do some time to do a couple like overnights in there for like petty shit They just put everybody in there yeah, any shit petty shit Or I know him no violent no drugs I Forget exactly. Why are you trying to pin him down?

You're banned from smoking in prisons, but you can buy them some states. Yeah, wait you're banned from smoking in prison Yeah, it's a fucking state building and be going into fucking City Hall lighten up. Can you smoke out in the yard? I don't know but then a lot of like guards I guess like ask the union the for the prison guards like allows them to smoke So then there's like some it's probably like one of those gray areas Where it's like you can buy fireworks in Pennsylvania as long as you don't live like you can't let them off or whatever So they're selling heaters, but you can't smoke them. Well, they're selling them for sexual favors apparently No, that's not selling them not the inmates. Yeah. Oh, yeah So on the who they become each other. I

Also don't think that many people are smoke. I mean obviously still but it's not like the 70s or whatever Fucking everybody laying up right? Yeah, go in there get an education start reading Go Muslim you would be annoying You'd be annoying the shit out of your fucking cellmate you want top bunk or bottom bunk you got to go bottom bunk sure I had nobody Man, there are a lot of fat guys in jail like that. I Don't know where you're gonna search to find that you know what I mean, but like I got a fat ass, too

You're a bigger guy Yikes, there's a riot Usually was a battering ram. I already get behind you Cuz there's some people that go to jail and lose weight there's some people come out fat cuz like you're just sitting around eating All day. No, I'd tighten it up. Would you? That with that list the snacks. Yeah, not eating fucking mackerel pouches I've seen those turkey sausages with the guy making the smoke links that shit sucks Spam I could get by but I gotta have it grilled You'd be talking on the toilet when you're in there no

Do you know that yeah, I've seen that video. I love that I can't poop in there I can't poop somebody watching me. I got imagine my dumps in there. He's they'd murder me just cuz of that Got a bad gastro track Smelly, huh be pissing people off What do you got 35 on average 35% of the population was overweight? Yeah, but that's I mean, I'm overweight. I'm Look at me. I'm a great. Would you start running game? What do you mean? Trying to hoop?

I'd shoot around. Yeah, but then it's like if I dunk on the wrong guy, he thinks I can go. I'd do a 360 tomahawk on the fucking head of the Crips. I don't want to embarrass you in front of your friend. Jammed up, had to join the Aryan Brotherhood. I'd work in the hospital. Is that the only white gang in prison But I think from what I know from TV. Let me do a little research

I mean cuz I think the Van Buren boys I'd want to join a gang but clearly obviously not that one you'd want to join a gang for protection You'd have to do something what I don't Hey, can I blow that fat guy and sell three? to do something. What? I don't think I blow that fat guy and sell three. I don't get it. It's gotta be it, which is that's a you can't. Could you join the other gangs? Like, can I get into the crypts or the bloods or something? I know. I think it's true. I

think in jail, it is like 99% race. Come on, segregate. You know what I mean? Like this? We're all the same. I know. Hey, guys, what the hell? Huh? Couple of, just a couple of normal guys. Seems like all the other white gangs are a subsidiary of the Aryan Brotherhood. Really? Yeah. So you have to be racist? I don't want to do that. It's not cool, man. I already killed three Chinese guys. Not because of that. I had my back against the wall. You know? Yeah, that sucks for white guys in jail, because that's the only one that's really based on

not liking other races. Yeah. The Crips are like, hey, we just don't like any, we just really like the Crips. We're just not letting you in. Yeah. That's the thing. I got all them wanting to kill you. I know it's like you get a you get a handful of guys with you, but then you I want to hang out with those guys.

All right. I got a couple prison survival guide rules. OK, number one. So apparently there are I thought it was a Joe's like that fucking Kevin Hart, Will Ferrell movie. Like going to prison or whatever. Get Hard. Get Hard. Not bad. Pretty good.

There are prison consultants that if, I guess if you're getting locked up, you go to these guys and they fucking give you the run down. Listen, I'm gone. What? I'm gone what I'm running I'm out South America Gone Thailand Bangkok Hong Kong I'm fucking slipping away. Fuck that okay. I ain't going to Canada. I don't like the food

Okay, I ain't going to Canada. I don't like the food All it does French fuck too cold Never change the TV channel without asking other is great. I learned that from my dad I gotta get a fucking consultant do that change the channel You crazy? Fucking rocking the boat. I had a buddy of mine said he changed the channel. He was down in a like Kate May Courthouse and there's a lot of bloods down there that live in

like Wildwood proper like all year round and he goes, I didn't realize he wasn't in there. He was in there. The guy was the same guy like whatever who's touching the TV. He was in there by himself and it was on nobody was in there when my

buddy walked in or whatever. What yeah, no what the fuck? Change the channel like I came in and he's like as I was changing. I just fucking right in my fucking rib cage like from behind He's like I dropped waiting for you Set the trap get him Yeah, you're putting out cartoons Breaking Morty That's what I decided to stay in North Wilewood guys ever see this he's a pickle he gets me every that's a great line for that's a great

thing from longest yard the real badass guy loves watching The View. And it cuts to Joey Bayhart and he's smoking his thing. He goes, where did she come up with this shit? That's right. Where did she come up with this shit? Okay. Don't touch the TV. Don't touch the TV. Got it.

Roger that. Um, never reach across another inmate's food tray. Okay. Dining halls can hold hundreds of inmates at a time and are frequently where riots and disturbances jump off. This guy's using the lingo. I was sitting in an inmate dining hall at a four-man table for lunch in Safford, Arizona. I watched an amazement as a newly arrived inmate sitting next to me reach across the table Reaching over another inmate's food to grab a salt shaker. I got salt shakers the inmate that be fucking winging them at people

Yeah smashed him in the head, knocking him out. Never reach across a food tray. Never sit on another inmate's bunk without permission. I mean, I mean, you don't go to someone's house and lay in their bed. Sure. You did it to me on the bus with your fucking dirty underwear. True. You can do shit about it.

I should have blew you. That would have taught me. No, I pussy? I should've blew you. That what it taught me? No, I did. I said, get the fuck off of me. I told you we were friends. I can't maneuver. I gotta stay. My ass cheeks were already in that. Don't matter. Rubbing it in.

Spread my butthole when I sat on it. Bare ass. Alright. This is what you can take with you into prison. Bear ass. All right. This is what you can take with you into prison and what you have to leave behind. Most medications you're allowed to take. Okay. I take my nexium. Heartburn City.

I think you can buy that in the common city. You can buy all that. You can buy Tums and all that kind of stuff. They have like prescription. Oh, really? Over-the-counter medications. They have to supply all that shit, right? Yeah. Yeah Like anything I can leave my heart medication are they?

No, that was actually a reason they don't want people smoking because they have to pay for all the health Yeah, I think about you get fuck. Yeah, that makes sense. Get a cough something like that That cough I'd be fucking I'd be fucking two packs a day kipperino in there. Trying to get some hospital time? All right, it says, don't plan to bring, don't plan on bringing anything with you other than clothes, glasses, and possibly a list of medications.

Be further warned, don't try to sneak anything in. You will be thoroughly searched on your way in, and very few things are worse than making a first impression than smuggling in contraband. What about my wallet? Your wallet? You got your fucking meat wallet on you, bud. What's my meat wallet?

You asshole. That's where you keep your belongings. You mean my Paca book? Okay. Yeah, other than a single pair of whites, I don't know what that is. That shoes? A pair of glasses? No, I give you shoes. Yeah, if the prohibition extends to your leisure items as well, you will not be able to bring

in games, cards, books, iPod or anything or any of that sort of stuff with you. The first 6 to 12 hours. The first 6 to 12 hours will likely be some of your worst. You won't go straight from freedom to DOC in most circumstances. After you are remanded to the custody of the Department of Corrections, you will be held at the county jail until they can transport you. Blah, blah, blah blah that makes sense Yeah, like till you get to pratchett might take like 48 hour or whatever When the day arrives for you to be transferred you're likely to be woken up extremely early around 3 a.m.

To be gathered and put on a blog man. Can't even get a good night's sleep For the fucking worst day of your life you're going in in half-cocked. Fuck that. What about my sleep apnea machine? See if you can, I don't know. You have to. You don't have to. I'll be cranky. I'm going to be quite upset. I'll be in a bit of a mood.

Yeah, you gotta be able to take that in. It's a medical device. Prescribed by a doctor Yes, if it's like prescribed by a doctor if you get a medical note, man trying to look tough in there with that on I've seen you it's a tough look. I don't I don't think you'll be allowed one though. You're a high-risk case Why you got to be a low risk secure low security risk? Down three triads. I see my reputation precedes me.

Hiya! Alright, this is the one thing I ended up. Finances and Buying the Necessities. Your weekly spending in prison has a hard cap of $100. Where am I getting that? They give me that? People put it on your books. To help you out. Outside guys put it on your books.

The government doesn't pay for that. What if I got nothing? That suck, I can't get a soda. Well, you killed all the folks. You shouldn't have killed those triads. I'd put money on your books. You would? Yeah.

10, 20. I'd float you 20. I want 30 in return. OK, that's good to 20. I want 30 and return them Okay, I'm an absolved links. I put money on your books, too Yes, I would you wouldn't I would too. You're probably the reason I'm sitting checking on the family as well. I Mean like that. I Didn't say that by and see your mom Fucking right I didn't say that I'd see your mom Fucking red

Okay with every female in my family I Stopped by your aunt Patty's till yeah, she's doing alright Your uncle John was here, so I left. I'm out of here. Okay. All right. 100 bucks a week? A day, I think. A day?

That ain't bad. You put 100 bucks a day in there for me? Yo, weekly spending is 100 bucks. So at the end of the month, I four hundred bucks. That could keep me alive. Half of that for snacks and half of that for paying people off. You can't get your money, it's only, I'm not giving you cash. I'll let them get whatever they want. Oh, how's that, that's no good. Why? The second they know, they'll walk all over you. Slippery slope. This is the thing, you gotta fucking shoot to fade and you can't give nobody nothing.

Because then you know you're a whore. I'd rather be a prison wolf. That's the same thing, isn't it? But, prison wolf. Yeah, but they'll step all over you. Because you're a little bitch. I don't know why you said it like that. You're trying to have sex with my aunt.

Trying to make friends. Yeah, oh here's this and that and that and then they go hey you got money Then they lean it on you for fucking outside cash. They're extorting on the eye. Hey my buddy Jimmy needs ten grand Am I getting that I'm in a joint you got it on the outside though. I got nothing on the outside You don't know that Hey You familiar with blue belt Pennsylvania go out of prison wolf You see what I'm saying yeah, I see what you lean on yet once you go

I'll get that you give them an inch they take a mile so I gotta go in there swinging. Yeah, you got a fucking Work out a little bit before I go in there mm-hmm get my steps back in Hey little bastard you probably come visit me. I'd be there conjugal visits I'd be showcasing Ladies gentlemen hundred bucks what else? violence can and will happen I told you man I know it can you absolutely do not want to find yourself owing any money to anyone in prison if you're going to gamble Make sure you can cover your death

I'd be running a racket. I'd be cooking the books. I can talk about screwing people over Kippys casino now other inmates can and will fashion weapons Even if you keep your nose couldn't say a far away from physical violence yourself It's still may encounter violence always be aware that prisoners are prisoners are not as secure as we want to believe Of course yeah, you'll get got But one good thing about prison you can watch a Super Bowl oh Great yeah that guy watch the Chiefs win again But one good thing about prison you can watch a Super Bowl. Oh great. I wanna watch the Chiefs win again.

Fucking dickheads. Alright I got prison don't, no staring. What if you like a guy? Trying to give him the signal. Just doing the blow job to him. No staring. Okay. Prison number two, don't ask why other inmates are in there. It's doing the blow job to them. No staring. Mm-hmm. Okay.

Prison number two. Don't ask why other inmates are in there. Right. But when you get there, they're going to check your papers. Who's going to? They run your papers. Who does? The other inmates?

Yeah, the guys who run the fucking cell block. What? What's a shot caller? You're looking at him though. Call that to Kip. Flatbread freak. What's a shot caller? I couldn't do five years without a flatbread. I'd have to smoke, I'd have to smuggle something in. I'd have to make my own turkey, smoked turkey sausage macro flatbread. A little bit of jalapenos on it.

Couple of poppers. Okay. What's a shot caller? Somebody who calls the shots in prison, the big boss of the no. Some guy who runs the prison is a shot caller. Can I be friends with him? I'll think about it. But then he gets got then. Number two man gets it first. Yeah. I don't know.

Give me quick. Well, what were we saying? What did we just say? Before shock? Don't ask what anybody look at your pay. They run your papers. To see what he's in for. Yeah. And they run it up to flags. They run it up to the flagpole, either to the staff or someone on the outside to check to make sure it's all right. And if you have like charges that says like, Martha Stewart was okay when she got out. Yeah. They're just making sure you're not a Chomo. What's a Chomo? Child molester. Oh, it sounds cooler than a child molester, right? I get confused with the lingo. Yeah, I'm a Chomo. What's up from East LA? What's up Chomo?

Yeah, okay, so they run your papers one to make sure you're not a child molester I could beat one of them up for them Prove my worth. You're hands kicked and then he blows you Stop that You're laying on the ground get off of me I can break to hold for you 48 god damn it you can't get hard prison wall shrinks again. Alright, so they run your papers.

Run your papers to make sure you're in for what you're in for. You didn't flip or turn state's evidence on someone else. Fuck. Yeah, you're all, you're fucked, dude. Yeah. So, and like, let's say you say- I'm doing witness protection. Let's say, oh, I stole a car.

They then like find out, they look to see if that charge makes sense and like, you know, oh, and then they go, no, I pled it down to this. It's like they. So in case you're a cop, an undercover cop in there. Just in case you, yeah, whatever. They're just checking to make sure you are,

you're valid, as they say. So if I'm, what if I get them to think I'm an undercover cop in there, will they not fuck with me? I don't think that's a good idea girl. I must Get a uniform. Oh, yeah, what's going on here boys giving a nose clean? Would you get a tat prison tat past the time what's the alcohol situation in there what I don't fucking Alcohol wipes or something probably not the cleanliest thing

Want that shit? something tasteful Open for business This you've been beat up and molested and you're like, I don't know That's that seems icky nah, I wouldn't know, get an alcohol wipe in here. That's that seems icky. No, I wouldn't get a tat. OK, cool guy. I'm telling you, I get that area brotherhood shit.

I got to work when I get out of this. This Christ. You just got to light up butt plug. So you spend your hundred dollars a week on buttplugs? Batteries for it. Clock's running. Keeps falling out. Alright, we gotta wrap it up. Is that it?

Yeah. So what's the moral of the story? We ain't making it. I'll make it. How you gonna make it? I told you I'm by... I'll figure it. How you gonna make I told you I am by Figure it out. You probably coming you wouldn't have it you'd be missing a couple of teeth. I Think that a little lack so I'd get it. I get if I get a teardrop real quick

They know you didn't do that. Maybe a little fill in there It's just that Indian ink It's it's Indian ink doesn't even match. It's running when I sweat. What's up, guys? Gang, keep your nose clean out there. We love you. We'll see you next week. And turn state's evidence.