Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Ben Franklin is TRASH w/ Kippy & Foley

Episode Date: March 16, 2023

Are You Garbage is back with a Kippy and Foley for a family episode to answer your garbage questions from Patreon. Its a fun one! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AreYouGarbage PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://www.bonfire.com/store/are-you-garbage/ Manscaped: https://www.manscaped.com Promo Code: Garbage Sheath: https://www.sheathunderwear.com/ Promo Code: Garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Pump the Brakestair gang got a quick tour update that stayed trashy tour Uh-huh is taking over the country. You know it. I don't know what to do Mm-hmm adding shows adding cities come out and see us live stand-up comedy play to the lay white you with the crowd Great way to introduce people to the show come out and see the boys Yeah gang this March we're starting in Baltimore, Virginia Beach Richmond, Virginia Then we're going to Oklahoma City Dallas, Texas Houston, Texas Austin, Texas second show added there Then we're going to New Haven, Connecticut as of now. It's sold out. We're working on the second show And we got Burlington, Vermont. We got Tampa, Florida first show sold out second show is about halfway sold out

Get those tickets Danny Abyss, Florida Raleigh, North Carolina Louisville, Kentucky just added Cleveland and Columbus get those tickets Let's party gang see you out there on the road. Yeah Welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage? the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or Absolute trash Now here are your hosts Kevin Ryan and H Foley Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is are you garbage? That little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find it at the girl to be classy

Yeah, just a big old piece of trash trash trash trash. I'm your host H Foley coming at you on a beautiful day We're down here at Antutti's basement the construction upstairs continues and it's driving me crazy It's a lot. There's a huge hole in the wall. I know outside. I know I'm up there eating my cornflakes I got my nuts in my throat Not to mention a couple of those contractors were peeking at me while I was brushing my teeth this morning And I don't know what she's doing up there. She's playing two ends against the middle. Yeah, she's Robin Peter to pay Paul I think she's sleeping at all I saw her move I saw her moving a unit a fucking copper out the back

I think she's taking her that right to the yard I don't know if condoms are usually in a toolbox, but they got a shitload of them up there My co-host is coming at you from across the table. This is a family episode just a squad this week Uh-huh. He is the CEO of are you garbage? He is an international businessman any business increase, please? Mr. Kevin James Ryan Okay business inquiries, please get business inquiries lawsuits Non-construction permit clauses. Whoa. Hey, what are you talking about this guy's nuts? Don't listen to him. He's been drinking What's up gang? Thanks for tuning in as always. Please make sure you're a review subscribe on itunes full video available on YouTube

As you know those numbers are Fantastic love it and obviously the greatest gosh darn website of all time I'm talking to me a ten a dog me a ten a dog me a ten a dot to the patreon.com slash are you garbage check it out? Baby, it's a good time. You get episodes of bonus episodes of heart feelings episodes of Bonus episodes a yg heart feelings vlogs the whole nine yards all the gold videos are up there check it out Okay, it's a good time over there in that patreon. We're having fun Oh, yeah, and speaking of fun How about a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire the magic man makes us all look good works to ones works to twos

And he's got that big old wiener wiener give it up for T-bone McScruffins Toby McBowling everybody. What's up, dude? Look at him. I got a question for you fellas. I'm listening. So the clocks just changed bring brutal fall back Fucked me up. Oh, great. I sent a text to the group at 415 a.m. Hey, let's do 11 Hit a wormhole came out an hour later another universe. So my my IPA wormhole What the hell my question to you fellas am I hungover? Yeah Is your oven clock wrong half of the year or do you change it? Oh? Catch it around June, maybe Yeah, you know, I

Think mine's wrong. I Don't I've never changed it. Maybe the maybe the mist maybe the bird does It doesn't catch back up though. It does. Yeah, it's good for half the year It's good for a half the year. So right now if it's off It'll be right again next April. Yeah, but my next March. My mind was off, but now it's smooth sailing Slip like a baby It don't make no sense that dumb shit, okay, what does that exactly do? I Don't know it's for farmers the Almanac the moon. That's all bullshit. I think somebody was just telling me

The biggest fluff I ever heard. Yeah, that was we barley. You don't know that was the point now What I don't know it was for farmers to get an extra hour of sunlight, but then I think everybody just what no they don't The Sun doesn't stay up longer. Dude. This is this this the Sun Rise and sunset changes every single day. Oh my god. It's the stupidest reason of all time. What it's a for candles What? Benjamin Franklin couple good ideas on that guy this one's fucking stinks Benjamin Franklin have been in the concept in 1784 believing that rising earlier would econ economize candle usage and save people money No, there's got to be another reason to it

But I just heard it was for that somebody voted Congress or the house or somebody did something where to wipe in it clear Yeah, I heard it. Yeah, it is stupid. Yeah, it is stupid It was adopted during World War one as a part of a global attempt to conserve energy Ben Franklin was around in World War one. Damn that guy got around Jesus My favorite president Syphilis makes you look longer barely you got weird, huh? I think you got it back then

What the fuck else you got to do? How could one do do that? That's crazy You find out the kite was tied to his balls This is weird way to jerk it off Go out in a storm and let it tug on his rudel bunch. Yeah, we're gonna leave that part out of the story. What that's the best But that's just taking my jokes out. I've always been pissed at him not pissed. I don't have a beat This guy who's me a C note they have a cup of decaf we God, but I think I could invent a bunch of stuff when nothing existed You know what I mean, you think it's hard to invent stuff now everything exists what you got to do

You got to be pretty fucking tight that guys are I need something to write with I'll make it. There you go Yeah, you gotta like fucking split the atom to make the news. He was just stumbling across. Yeah He's like, hey, I need to do up. I can't see and I looked through this glass jar. I see better Let me throw some glass jars on my face and walk around invent classes by Focals. What uh-huh really? Yeah, damn Where'd he go to school? That's crazy No way he invented by yeah, he did what? Was he rich when he died?

And he also invented the Sibian I heard New Ben Franklin but plugs he did invent the the urinary catheter. Yeah Dick tubes, bro. Geez. Well, dude imagine if it was what 1776 and your dick hurt You'd start shoving shit up there to figure it out, man Do you see what I'm saying? I don't get it man. There's nothing existed. It's easy to make stuff They had no water back then no plumbing no showers How did he have a clear head to fucking think through all that? They were all they're all doped up drinking smoke. Oh, yeah, he also invented swim fins

What are like fins for when you're swimming like scuba guys? That's easy to you see a shark. I need those Come on. I'll come on. Give me something else. I'll tell you how you invented I Mean that's like that's like oh you got to put wings on a plane because a bird has him he invented the odometer And then your ancestors invented rolling a bag He didn't invent the odometer Yeah, how was that possible? No cars. Yeah, there's no cars. You know what else he has catalytic converter Swear to God. I heard he came up with the Wi-Fi router

No One of the original partners in MapQuest the ones you had to print out Nothing more trashy that Somebody's Twitter Corolla. There's a bunch of fucking MapQuest stained with coffee on the floor My dad tried to figure that shit out. Holy shit like a Polynesian trying to fucking use the stars to get to an island That was a hard one I Had to squeeze that in yeah

I've been working on that they they the government tasked him with trying to get the the mail in order because the post service was all Slapdash, so was he the only guy so he invented. What's going on? He invented stamps.com For a good garbage Everybody else a fucking idiot It's fucking I love them don't get me wrong Philly all the way just what the shit whole country of Holies at what give me What the fuck Man, I'm telling you I'd be venting a lot of shit back in the day a lot if I was smarter I would do it now any idiot can make stuff. We're getting up and it's still dark out. What do we do change the time?

There you go. You want to save candles make it lighter earlier boom go to bed. Come on Shout out to Benny Frank though shout out to Benny with the blue face. That's right. Mmm. You still go to France a lot Do a little? Get weird. How do you get over there boats? Yeah? That's a rough vacay. Yeah No, he invented the jet ski Fuck you think he's water skiing. He's got the bar in his mouth You ever gone water skiing chubs I've tried yeah, you got pulled behind the boat

Yeah, I got drunk Kevin Costner and water. Yeah, I got drunk through the bay in Ocean City a couple of times I was up there at Lake Walpole pack. Is that how you did it? Yeah We had we'd go up the mountains put a boat in the water there Who's around I just laid on the knee board because I I didn't have the upper body strength to pull up my plumber Yeah, no, I tried when I was probably like 13 14 that didn't work and then Shortly after my water skiing crew was immediately over started running the slalom if you know what I mean I had no future and then I tried I

Think it was Maybe knee boarding or something okay, or maybe it was water. She's in the skookle. Oh Yeah, keep your mouth closed buddy My buddy came up my buddy's probably why you're so fat radioactive waste My buddy's girlfriend's parents had a house on the skookle, which I thought was strange I didn't know anybody fucked around down there the Delaware, right? Maybe that's a little bit cleaner Yeah, but and they they had a little fucking boat and she was really good and I couldn't get up Then they broke out the the the thing the tube or the board. Yeah, and

My buddy was driving and he was fucking around And gave me you know gave me the shimmy shake dude parts of that skookle It's fucking rocks all over the place and it's about two inches of water. I almost fucking slammed into a goddamn tree I'm tell dude. He fucking launched me. Yeah, that's like a big dirt-back thing is like dump them and you fucking Cut the wheel left real quick. Yeah, you do that in the ocean. All right, whatever I wish you go to but in the ocean or whatever you do it Where you're not in a fucking single lane of rocks and trees Yeah catfish or whatever the fuck's down here. Can't you ever do battle tubes two tubes one boat?

Two tubes one boat. No, I never did. I never do when Jack asked. What are you talking about? Toby McMillan, welcome to tubing. Um, no, I never you do it in the parking lot of a Walmart Shopping carts. I never I don't think I've ever been to be actual to be I find that to be shocking I know I think cuz I always knew I was just gonna get really hurt because I get hurt so easily And I was just like and I'd be stupid. I would do stupid shit I would get hurt but even that one like that's gonna fuck me like that's like really gonna hurt me You've gone tubing down the Delaware though, right where you just float. Oh, yeah We used to do that on our own and then a shammany Crick. Oh, man, we go up to Vinnie with the skinny shout out to him

Shout out. We go to like Kmart buy a couple of tubes one for the cooler a booze And then this is how trashy it was dude. We get the parts or the water is a creek It's not a river the water is so low. You'd have to get out and like I got a pair of fucking bands on them wall sloshing. Oh step it in that slimy water Serpents lurk Seen a couple little fucking water moccasins. I don't like that shit. No, I don't like that Yeah, I didn't like it either. I'd be throwing winging course lights. Yeah, I don't like snakes in the water I don't trust them at all

At all, but dude that is out that we get them in those ago. Sorry those iguanas that swim Oh, that's what I was saying. I was in Puerto Rico. I thought one with something got something That's always gonna jump in and yeah, I don't like it. Um We would we would park at the park, right? Tyler park Still some state park didn't a shammany would it have to be after like a big rain? Yeah, we Yeah, we check the waters yet. If you're playing in rain And I have

The creek a town line used to fucking flood when it rained. Oh, and we're going like the retention pond We'd get a tube and like that would turn into a lake. We'd go in there get a rod up I'm trolling Pull up a sophomore But we would have we get to the park and like you'll be like eaten You know, we would park a car at the park drive up the venues Get in they'll get in the water at Vinnie's Float all the way down two three hours or whatever the card be waiting for your card be waiting for you pretty smart

But then we show people you having like picnics and stuff We'd be like covered in mud fucking coming through the woods with tubes at like 24 year Like way too old to be doing that. It was it walking out on a birthday party. It was again Welcome to a kitchen yet. I'm by the creek. It was a bad time. It was a rough look for sure Good old days. All right, gang. This is a family episode as you know when you sign up for the old patreon Now you can have your question read on a year here with the boys And we'll do that now. I don't like when you do that stuff We'll be right back. I don't like that for fucking TV presenter presenter. I always get jammed up

Hey, I feel like you paint yourself into a corner a little bit and you turn into Tom broke all my whole life All right, let's see this one's from Michael ever call a doctor's appointment a reservation I got a table for two down here dr. Prisik Eddie's I That's tough I do get it though It feels like it's going to the doctor feels fancy. That's funny. Yeah This one's from trash compactor. Have you ever been to a place that has a cowabunga burger a cowabunga burger? I

Don't know what that sounds trashy. Give that a goog t-bone t-bone hoppin a cowabunga burger I feel it's got to be pineapple or something. I'm all about that cowabunga is Hawaiian or something. They're like surfer Yeah, cowabunga dude. Yeah, it's Ninja Turtles. Yeah, maybe it's turtle meat turtle birds I got a lot of I got a lot of food trucks It's got to be Beachy I feel that's my take Cowabunga this one's pretty good. It's it's a burger

But the lettuce is like the nerd the teenagers in turtles face and then it's bacon like an eye mask That's pretty good. Oh, that isn't wait, but it's so it's just a I Think if I was making a cowabunga burger it would be two patties Special sauce lettuce cheese grilled onions Grilled pineapple and you got to fight ninjas while you eat it a swiss cheese. I'm a huge rat and Spicy mayo that would be the cowabunga burger. Okay at Foley's it sounds like a pretty that's just like a standard burger I feel like with pineapple though. Oh, you got any I put some pineapple Grilled onions pineapple mayonnaise, swiss cheese and spicy mayo

Huh double up on the mayo mayo and spicy mayo now just spicy mayo, okay? All right, we'll do it. Hi if you insist Twist of my arm over here double up on the mayo cowabunga burger All right, let's see It was saying the line of food this is from Cody Klein Yeah, heavily invested shareholder never have one read is it garbage to put we talked about this cockney It garbage to put extra toppings on a frozen pizza. I Don't like it. I don't do it

Hard to get it even cook on that What are you talking about now? It's it is garbage, but it's awesome I don't I think I might be turning on that you got your own shit in the in the fridge You get a frozen pizza say it's a pepperoni All right, I would then feel the need to not add anything to it I would go maybe hot sauce after she's cooked you could put some onions and peppers and Olives on there a little sausage cook cook sausage make a supreme People do it. I tell you what my that's too much though

It's like just go buy a fucking supreme pizza my Instagram feed is really so if you have all that shit readily available Sausage peppers onions olives in your cook sausage in your fucking fridge. Just make it just make something else You know what I mean make a dish. I can see if you got a plain one He throws some pep you got some fucking crumbled up bacon or whatever something like that Maybe in some additional cheese Instagram has been really feeding me weird things the algorithm it's all It's all mismatch cooking stuff like Chocolate chip cookies and a waffle maker. It's got you dead the right. Oh, they got me cold

Making a homemade no invented the algorithm Benjamin Franklin. There you go. That's not true. Of course. It's not true. Oh But it's pretty good. I don't know guys all over the fucking place He could have uh-huh. I heard he also invented spice TV. Yeah, but let's talk about that landscape, baby What are they not getting into over there? They got everything take care of you from head to toe that man They got your beard covered. They got your nuts covered. They got your ear covered They got your nose covered and I don't know about you fellas out there. I need all that stuff now I use it on my butthole, too. I'm at nose hair age. Oh, yeah, you're here, too It's all over the place do yourself a favor get that package get that lawnmower

4.0 get the weed whacker get the nut spray straighten yourself out cuz here's the thing what springs common Oh, you gotta be fresh. You gotta rake the leaves the broads are gonna be You gotta you know, what I'll be tearing at you You don't want to be pulling up or guys if that's your if that's yeah, let's go The package also comes with the big man said the crop preserver ball deodorant Ball toner, baby. Keep them high and tight. Who don't who don't like a tight sack. Keep them nuts pickled Always use the right tools for the right job head to their website now and check out all of their tools to get an upgrade on your High gene routine all jokes aside. You got to keep it tight. What are we doing here? Yeah, you sweat less you smell better at the whole nine yards

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I buy I've been buying I was buying them before they were even sponsoring the gosh darn show I was buying them So go to sheath underwear dot com and use code garbage to get 20 off your first order Uh Been with us since jump one of our first advertisers of all times to support the people who support the pod baby Plus sheath underwear is 100 money back guarantee that sheath underwear dot com promo code garbage Get sheath underwear support the show support your balls now back to that gosh darn show back to the show All right, this one's from john fits. Is it garbage to have a car with no reverse?

That's a tough luck. Do they make them? No, it's because the car is broken. It doesn't go in reverse They're not no one's making a car with no reverse. That's a tough sell on the lot You get half off on that Hey, buddy, you save 80 bucks a month, but this one don't go backwards You only got three times Uh Kid I grew up with had that uh in a conversion van it becomes that I think I might have had something like that It did my my honda accord hatchback that I had started to not do something. I can't remember what it was

Maybe no e-brake Who needs an e-brake? How often are you using unless you live on the side of a hill? Or I don't think I had park or something like that. I always had to use the e-brake Is that possible? I don't think that would pass inspection. You gotta fucking I didn't say I was getting inspected. Okay fair enough Um, we knew a guy My buddy and uh, he grew up with had a conversion van

that he had to Only pull into spots where he could pull out of You know what I mean? Yeah, you know, like pulling to his neighborhood a certain way So he could like fucking just loop around or you got a park on a hill Stumping ghost Whip and work drop it neutral All right, let's get the fuck out of here, uh, you're riding around going around the house My mom's like, what the fuck is he doing? Uh, that's uh, that's uh, that brings up a tragedy thing that we used to we do a lot

We would you've been to my you have the Denise's house. Oh, yeah, right? I don't know. I don't like the way he's only the way he said that Yes, I've been When I was formerly invited by you. Yes, platonically Why you were there as friends don't say platonic that implies something else Because the only other version is romantically Uh, it's just followed by a real quiet at first You'll go where you smoking we got the talking

It was raining We would Pull if So like at the driveway you could park Real two cars but real snug three At the front of the driveway In the back of the driveway where the garage is. Yeah, we're like the basketball. Yeah But they call that the front

That's the back of the driveway up the driveway pull all the way in The front of the driveway is down by the mailbox if you're parking down there. You're a dickhead I hear you jamming everybody up here parking down there Um, but we will oh you're getting a driveway done. Oh, yeah block it off. Uh-huh. Um Don't pull in the driveway There's no in the driveway tomorrow

Patty's crazy about that shit. What where everybody put don't pull in behind me. I gotta leave Uh-huh So you can just fucking go around the grass my stepdad's move rest in peace was to block everybody in whenever people were over So he had to go out and move his car to catch stingers. I gotta go move the car Man, it stinks. Yeah. Oh, you move that car 19 fucking times. Leave it in the street That's a good time. No moving the cars when somebody's like god move the car back out and then you do the wave All that in the driveway fucking goofing around Maybe you and your uncle walk out he fucking let lets one go. I've been holding that in for a while

I ain't laughing let you drive hybril humor. I see over there at the police It wasn't george carland. Oh the day when your uncle farted Um But we will whatever. All right, so we'll get jammed up because there's only It's wider at the top than it is at the bottom. Yeah. Yeah, like most driveways. Yes, and so if you're jammed up We'll pull around the house. We'll drive you go all the way around. Yeah. Yeah. It's the only way to do it That's pretty good. So we drive in the backyard up the side We're grass drivers through the front yard back on and then fucking zip out

Yeah, we have that nice little hill in a really big space between uh You know the grass to the next property. And wow, we're all over that. Yeah all over that especially as a kid my dad my dad had a 66 Mustang sitting up next to the garage that was it wasn't on cinder box, but it was on the grass for About two years. Yeah beehive at city. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but you know what it made me think of I'm not proud of this at all and somebody could have got seriously injured sure. I'm listening but Did you ever back in the day?

People would leave their doors unlocked their windows down in the cars. Mm-hmm our neighborhood was on a hill We ever rolling around with your boys And you put somebody's car You put the e-brake down in somebody's car. Put it in neutral and let it roll down the hill. What? Yeah, we did that a couple of times No, that's such a dick move dude. Never a fuck up someone's car They lose their job get get back on the hooch start shooting up lose their kids. I didn't do it personally Sure, I have backpedal, but now I'm not backpedaling, but that's what they called it

I just get the backpedal the old man Jenkins Corolla It was maybe like one or two years maybe like 12 13 where I was a real piece of shit Everybody has that though for sure. No where we really got into mischief night Like we were in it heavy. That's a regional thing though for the listener of mischief night is the night before wait. What? Yeah, I think we've talked about this I like over a year or two ago Not everybody know what mischief night is. So I think it's like a northeast Thing and it's also big in michigan. Oh, it's the night before uh, every night's mischief night in detroit

I don't know if you've been on instagram Those boys love mischief Hey wait for no candy corn to give them the green light. Yeah, they ain't soaping up your windows either. All right Um, it's the night before Uh, let's just say Thanksgiving the night before Halloween you go out and do mischief like the that's crazy. I thought it was everywhere You know toilet paper throw in the tree. So the wind like kid stuff. You know what I mean? Yeah Do I'm fucking be an ease or anything? Fucking smash and grab at the jewelry store safe cracking

Got the stethoscope They made the call the call went out the call dressed as a zombie um Yeah, like one or two years we really got into it like planned it out for like a week And went around fucking egg people's houses We had a BB gun and we had like these bay windows and uh, one of my buddies fucking Clipped off a couple of fucking shots into somebody's window like fired it at the house

Not really paying attention. It hit the window Shattered the window Fucking bolted fucking cop cars were doing fucking parallels fucking for like an hour We were on one street and we were walking. I think this was the next night. We were trick-or-treating Caught red-handed with a bunch of crayon blueprints Now who's that fat piece of shit right there. It's clearly me and chocolate bar in my hand um Somebody dropped this guy's e-brake and the car rolled down the hill

And it wasn't like you know, it wasn't like it would have killed somebody. It was like there was like a couple Maybe like four car lengths. There was there was a car behind it, but the dude caught us And fucking showed up at my fucking buddy's house. Yeah, he was not a guy Not a guy you want to fuck with sure no shirt fucking ripped jean shorts fucking long hair February And he's like who the fuck yeah, you fucked up his ride fucking piss you don't fuck with a man's ride We uh, but things were different back in the day now you I mean what you wouldn't be able to do it But they would call the cops on you He just fucking screamed at us and threatened to fucking beat the shit out of this

Yeah, he should have beat the shit out of you. Yeah jamming him up like that Probably had a hot date with a nice piece of trim. He's tight little body. What I remember. Uh, he looked like the kid from Stranger Things the redhead the redheaded girl's brother. You don't want to kick our ass hot guy like you He's here we come upstairs and we'll figure this out the redheaded girl from Stranger Things, you know, I'm talking about Yeah, but but way buffer Didn't beat us up We had a couple of close calls like that where we should have got the shit kicked out of course We it was snowing one night. We're at my buddy's house. We're probably 20

Jesus christ that was 13. Yeah, no, we're like probably 20 maybe 21 ish college years Snowing we're all boozed up at some kids. I don't even know the kid. We got this family tied up upstairs They're letting us hang around you're judging me I don't even know like a clockwork orange It was one of those things of like nothing on it a friend of a friend was gone We it was like a weird crew was like a it's it's gonna blizzard tonight Let's ball go somewhere whose parents are gone or whatever when you're at a friend of a friend of a friend's house He went to our school problems start happening. You know because you don't respect the house. I don't respect the guy

I don't respect his parents his mom can go fuck herself. Yeah, uh, that's a top shelf situation right there And I think it was a bad I just remember being like the kid went to our school for a little bit You know what I mean? It was like one of those like he uh, you know, I forget What are they're drinking snow and then couple kids go out kids shows up in the middle of the year Oh trust it or leaves in the middle of the year. Uh, uh, no bueno They uh, you better have meningitis, dude You better get mono what's fucking happening here. Do you ever get mono? No, I think my think Danny had

I think my brother had it and like seven eighth grade or something like that. He was scoring not me Can't get her from a sleeve of rits. I did have a tennis elbow at a young age What about you you ever get mono? What's up mono? Yeah, no, I'm not cool Ha ha ha ha ha it was cool to get it. Whatever Teebum and let's get out It was cool to get it. People were dying and people were falling out from mono. No, I fucked you up for like weeks or like months Give a google that did mono can really fuck you up. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, nucleosis I remember dropping that on people thinking I was a fucking doctor. He's got my you mean mono nucleotide

I I'm sorry. Yeah, I just know so many monos. You have to what's your course of treatment a lot of doctors are recommending gatorade these days ginger ale with crushed ice Two to four weeks. Some people may feel fatigued for several more weeks and will be called a whore for months Also known in the neighborhood as the trollop Clear sign hickies on the neck Treatment is confession twice a week Uh So we uh, you get up there and clean yourself up

There was a girl in my high school the only girl I knew who got mono Also received for her birthday. Someone got her a pill crusher and she was like, this is the greatest gift I've ever I've ever been given Where'd you go to school sing sing a pill crusher? What the fuck pill crusher and a cup of noodles She was sitting pretty Hey, man, I got you new wallets in my ass. You gotta wait until I fucking I had to get it past the guards

Um, what were you saying? Wait, so a couple of kids go out to like, oh, let's just go outside It's snowing. We'll have beers out like we'll drink in the snow That leads to like, you know a little bit just tossing snowballs to then as the cars are coming by We're gonna start fucking beaming those right. I love it. We talk about that. I'm fucking go ahead I fucking love doing this. So I wasn't really a part that I think I was I was Think I was hanging out at the driveway having a couple two tree stingers with the boys You know what I mean cup and other kids are like down on the street

You live right by a main street and he fucking, you know, whatever guy gets Hits they hit his this dude's car with a snowball. He gets pissed snowball. It's like dude. Come on, you know a snowball So I guess he thought he was gonna scare us But he doesn't know he's playing with a couple like not me but the kids are, you know, little fucking half cock, you know Few cards short of this is an adult An adult, but we're also adult. We're like 21. It's not like we're like 13 That's like so he turns around And gets out of the car like we all kind of start running like oh shit. He's like, oh, it's funny

My buddy fucking doubles back around the car hops in the car and takes So That's why you don't fuck with these kids You take your lumps take your lumps and keep it moving It's always they throw a rock at you. It's a snowball. You're gonna have goddamn blizzards. Hey, you got your car stolen You got chained up and your fat ass is out there. Your sweatpants falling down. That's my biggest fear He got crocs all trying to chase people. Yeah, that James y'all. That would be me, dude Um

Yeah, that's fucking no good. Um Yeah, balls one thing We would we would all sleep at my buddy's house. This is this is ninth grade eighth grade We'd sleep at my buddy's house like five or six of us either a friday or saturday of the weekend And the little click of girls that we were friends with would sleep at One of the girls houses and we would sneak out at night We're on walk over there hang out all night come back sneak in the morning If that wasn't happening we'd sleep over and we would go out and we would

Be like they're called like monkey brains. You know those like weird things that hang off the trees They're they look like fruit, but they're not you go to school the congo They look like avocados Crab apples not crab apples. I would hate them. You kidding me? No, I don't know. All right. Something. Yeah um I hanging if you let those If the when they fall on the ground to start getting Un you know started juicing up. Mm-hmm

They were a good soft thing to peg cars and we'd fucking sit out there like literally fucking in the trees And fucking light cars up and then fucking run. Yeah, and then just kind of like do that all over In the middle of the night. Yeah. Yeah funny shit. Don't do that though kids at different time Now they'll jam me up. They'll fucking put a book out. Yeah Yeah, bury you bury you know, we did throw a golf ball in a window when the car driving by Guy got real pissed came around and fucking drove up on the on the uh Property yeah headlights coming through a fucking yard sure spring

split uh Wasn't stinging or ever that prom night me and some friends were doing a little drinking driving hit some guy threw him in a river Chase with a fish hook I was like, wow Toby's gonna talk about drinking and driving on the fucking show. That's crazy. I see what you did Trying to pass off movie boxes your life. So there I am a genius solving problems. No one else can solve We're more time as a janitor. It won't Christmas. I got that late to see my ex-wife She's got this big office party I got no shoes on

Wait, what movie is that? Oh, I've never seen it. We've talked about this. This is old hat I've seen parts Um, that's crazy. I know man. I know, uh, I'm not a fan I don't do it for me. There's good stuff. You don't like like what celery I do like celery Dipped in chocolate. That's crazy because diehard's like a movie for guys like you. I Super cool hot dudes. All right, I'll check it out. I'm not bald guys. Yeah, new shit. Oh, come on, man

Bald guys are fighting with their wife. Come on. I'm sorry I yeah You see we talked about it's crazy that I forgot you forget everything dude Man, that's get the brain of a goldfish. What? Are you in a car? Get the cops called on it Uh All right, let's see. Let's get this show back on track. God damn it. We're all over the road

um This one's from rice a rooney ten dollar homie never had a question read Is it garbage? Shout out the rice. All right. I know you're a fan Diehard can kick rocks. I'm a rooney man. I don't even need to meet or whatever the protein was Box it at straighten you right out. Full sauce pan at that going Just to the perfect amount of liquid. Yeah, we've mentioned it before but when there was some left in the pot That was always the best because it like kicked together

Good stuff not bad. Um All right, where were you right sir rooney never had a question right is it garbage? If you ran out of oil to heat your house so you have to use diesel fuel for the weekend That's can't I don't know if that's how that works You can't just put your own gas in there. Can you damn who's still rocking oil? A lot of people. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah older houses. No shit. Yeah Yeah, you see those trucks all the time. I see the trucks. I see the trucks in the city. Yeah doing the buildings Wow

Yeah, I think a lot of people do that to think about that. Yeah, a lot of suburban a lot of some Toby you look perplexed. I've never heard of this You've never heard of heating oil. No, really canola olive. Maybe I'm an EVV man myself You never seen the trucks pull up like the they're like they look like Gas tank, but they're smaller. They pull up. They hook the hose up guys covered in oil No, never real now that I think of it. I don't see them in the city as much as I used to Like when I lived up here the first time all the time. I assume they're phasing them out to what though never runs on oil What do you mean? I'm not sure. I don't know about any of the city steam heat

But what's the oil for them? Toby I mean we are a couple of wait a minute. Hold on. I thought the entire city was steam heat But I do see the oil trucks in the city the for the boiler For the boiler that turns on the heats the water hot water that heats the but doesn't the steam heat the hot water What man? We're fucking no steam doesn't heat the hot water. It doesn't steam comes from hot water steam once was hot water Okay, maybe that's where the steam heat comes from. Oh that oil Where's Ben Franklin when you need him?

Explain somebody shit to us What's the word? All right, so you can use uh Oil in two different types of heating implementations, you know a boiler system or a furnace system And it basically just replaces the natural gas you would burn you burn the oil instead of the gas Yeah, I knew that So that's what's he that's what's driving the steam heat in new york city is is url Right, uh, I don't know man. Otherwise, where's this the fucking super? I don't know. Where's the steam heat in new york city come from boilers Yeah, and the boiler gets that uh oil, right? Yeah, and the oil came from dinosaurs

It's a learning program to burn me a triceratops because it's chilly out right now, right toby Uh, just say yes. Yes Hey, there you go big man score over to big man does that make it sound nice and cozy not in the city, but Uh, I guess like a how like an old suburban house when when the oil I'm you know what my aunt and uncle's house I think had oil because you could smell it when when they cranked that fucker on It had like that. Yeah, well this guy's house smells like diesel That's like living in a tractor trailer for the weekend. That's crazy. That's nuts. I don't I mean, but I guess I don't think that why are you getting the d's you going down fucking siphoning from the neighbor's house

You getting you going down at a gas station I'm getting you buying a pinch. I guess I don't know have you ever put gas in something That wasn't supposed to be in no my buddy didn't have the red thing my buddy. Oh like a container. Yeah, yeah Water bottles Water bottles. Yeah, what were you down and jug? He's burning down houses That was an arson for three years like frogs on fire. No. Yeah, we would uh Uh, I love those red things for like whatever if you needed it for fuck. Oh the red things were great

You always had a good one in a bad one. I love that smell man. Uh, it's all right Uh, I told you we put gasoline in a fucking Water bottle to like go like fires in the woods or whatever and The tip it was like we used like a nozzle like a spray bottle It was like a squirt bottle. I didn't realize and the end of that got like you see the videos now We're like a travel that fire travels up to the bottle. Yeah, dude sweet. You're stupid Yeah, and the end of the bottle caught on fire

So we like panicked and we're spraying it was like fucking shooting streams of thought dude. We I Full-blown I want I in my head immediately 4,000 homes burned down and I started running. I was like Then we threw it in though because we were by like a by like a little crick We threw it in there and now the the gas is now just on top of the water On fire and I'm thinking the devil has come to fucking I do the panic I'm like, we fucked up. We caused the apocalypse He fucked up so bad the water's on fire, dude. It was like it was like 10 a.m. In the morning

We're a fucking idiot getting after it. We're at flips out. That's all right. Not too shabby um All right, let's see What do we get Uh, this one's from Isaac. Is it garbage to change your wi-fi network name to send a message to your neighbors? My dad once changed our wi-fi name to stop smoking on your front porch. That's pretty good. That's pretty good I never did that. Nah, toby. I feel like you're a guy who changes the The thing not to like as a passive aggressive move, but you just keep standard. Well, that's a good read

I'm too lazy and I just keep it and get pissed off when I can't remember what wi-fi was supposed to be on Yeah, I know uh Big boy roi british investor here. Nice a gentleman Is it garbage the same thing to have passive aggressive wi-fi name in hopes your neighbor sees that my dad said his That I hate this bitch at number eight about 15 years ago after she blocked his car in one time Wait, there were two different questions. Yeah, whoa. Look at that. The homies mind melding weren't working together. I like that. Um Yeah, we do uh Never the wi-fi. I mean my mom doesn't know what how to change the wi-fi. I just didn't know how to get in

Uh, I I would never change it. It's just out of pure laziness and now they make them relatively easy Like it's like my wife my spectrum or my Verizon Whatever whatever and then the thing the passwords now are like just words instead of like zxb h nine four seven eight five or It'll just be like, you know Cold soup four four two or whatever Yeah, we never had real beef with any neighbors like that

Oh, we did what we were doing like passive aggressive stuff a little bit with one But she was kind of in the right We get back there and that pool and all that shit Fucking animals the dogs barking the kids are screaming they're fighting fucking grills going Fucking Motown music blasting you guys are line dancing. Yeah. Yeah So she just put wanted to put in a couple of trees to uh Oh, yeah, that's real passive aggressive. That's what you know the fence the high fence the trees

I would do the same thing too if I if I if I had a piece of property give them some privacy I would fucking throw up a big boy You know what I mean so I can swim in my undies Lay around You ever swam in your parents pool naked? Yeah Yeah, I've done a little skinny dipping in there During the day. No, what what am I? What are you talking about?

Well club fully after dark, uh, oh, yeah Yeah, you know with a lady parents are upstairs asleep patty All right, my you ready Yeah, I've gotten busted in there a couple of times Sticking a little root in my in my youth They go up Well, like what did you think it's the whole backyard? What do you mean?

There's nobody looking there's nobody there. I know but if someone's in If someone's in that pool, yeah, you can hear them and at any corner of we weren't sneaking in They knew we were going swimming. Yeah, and they got caught. That's what I'm saying. They were up in bed And all but the word bust you is all the lights are off Right, we don't turn the pool light on. Yeah, that's a dead giveaway. Wish we don't have the pool light anymore Almost zapped somebody. Oh, man The above ground pool that pool is going to be on fire in a couple of weeks From the depths of the hell. Um

Yeah, and my mom I think came down to rip a heater or something like that. What what what are you doing out there? The lights are off Put finger in his asshole Henry I told you I I told you that's how you get you the one bent over That's your fingers out of my son's butthole you whore Oh Yeah Hey, I never got caught pulling pulling my route

But I think I did get busted in an intimate situation a couple of times Had jammed up once by my dad. He was real pissed Because there was no I really weren't even trying to hide it That's wrong. You guys are on the kitchen counter He's just sitting there eating the cereal Drinking coffee Drinking coffee He came after on the washing machine

Fucking like Ricky Bobby Just fucking going to town I mean Oh man, yeah It was after like a real long night And he didn't got love me didn't say anything But fucking uh Later on in the afternoon

He came What the fuck? What the fuck are you doing in here? Fucking mother was sleeping fucking ten feet away Where were you? In the living room. California Slope level. You can see right in there. I was in my brother's room

So if you walk up those steps That's in the back Yeah, I mean You know where the bathroom is upstairs Let's the upstairs ain't that big That's what I'm saying I know where the bathroom is yet It's a telephone booth with three doors on it

I mean You don't have to lay out the fucking Roll out the blueprints for me That's why it was so fucked up In your brother's room Is a whole other layer of rude too Um He was sleeping

Who you think was filming it I didn't have a boom guy He was uh he was in college He was in college In an empty room Oh sure No one from you heard any furniture huh No room for you heard any furniture huh

Yeah, it's a tight squeeze in that room It is Uh Alright, let's see here This one is from Cassidy, haven't had one read yet Uh Is it garbage to be born with a non

Okay, is it garbage to be born With a non life threatening Congenital abnormality My dad was born with six Toes on one foot I have duplicated Utters What

Boyfriend didn't have one Of his adult teeth etc It sounds like a rough squad Dude Jesus Christ X-Men party of three Holy shit I got to know what the

Utter is I have duplicated Eurydors Eurydors Unless she's spelt Kidney to bladder tubes Type that in Yeah, I don't like this

Is it internal or external She's got extra tubes man She's got a liver on her shoulders I took a peek at the profile She's a pretty broad It's a damn shame about the Utters What is it Um

Okay Gene duplication is fairly common This seems to be not that common Uh I'm getting a lot, this is a Goddamn Analytic paper What is it called you educated

Uh It's just like a tube By your wiener Or the gener Is it out or is it in It's a couple of tubes I had a heart murmur Uh-huh

Yeah, it's not the same thing No, I don't think so It's all academic sites Nothing is giving me a real straight answer here Nothing in layman's terms It looks like a different She's got a couple of tubes in there That's all

One goes bad Got a six toes, what's up with that Do you keep that Or do you get rid of it I think the problem is they're never like Full blown toes It's always like a little nubbin Sure

If it was fully formed I'd be like keep them Become one hell of a magician Yeah If you had six toes on each foot That would give you an advantage, right With something Rock climbing or something

Combat Tough to get a pair of kicks though Oh yeah, probably James Walking in wide boys Got a couple of fucking hoogies on your feet Yeah That's not uh No, that's not garbage

But yeah, it kind of is I mean, you've got others No, it's your readers I don't know how to pronounce that Your readers That's not it You can't type in your readers I did

It's U-R-E-T-E-R-S U-R I just T-E-R-S Here, let's hear it said Oh, I got it, I got it I was fully searching for duplicated others Euridder

It's a duplex kidney also called duplicated Euridders is a problem with the urinary tract Where there are two Euridders draining urine from a single kidney It's more common in females and males And it's an unpreventable birth defect Yeah, don't sound too bad That's alright, there you go

The toes wacky I was boys with a kid who had web feet I never got that I would cut it for sure It's making my blood run cold You can't cut it Why the fuck can't you Do it

I mean, does a kid have a surgery? No, I think I would just cut it I'm pretty good in the water probably He wasn't Weird It was only between his big toe and the The number to the second in command Really?

Oh man, wow We were at hockey camp He jumped in the pool and we were like, what the fuck Buddy, call up Ben Franklin I don't fucking swim in fins Because you stink Did he have it on both sides of both feet? Yeah, I think it was both big toes to the

That's pretty sweet to be honest with you I wouldn't mind that I mean, that's got to hurt your Self-esteem as like A eight-year-old kid I don't know, not if you're fucking Schooling him in the backstroke He wasn't though

You just don't want to be different And then everybody's around the pool going Jesus Christ The dads are looking at it weird Goddamn, fish boy That kid walks by and looks at his feet And goes, damn, takes his shirt off I was going off the high dive at my little

Speedo too, I didn't give a fuck at that point Look at me and my fat His kid's got This kid's half amphibious He's got fish feet Jump off This one's from Jacob Berg $10 Bozo, never had a question

Is it garbage to take the tickets You get from Canon Bottle Redemption And immediately use them to buy Scratch-off tickets What tickets do you get for Canon Bottle Redemption? The money you get Oh, I guess it gives you like Vouchers

I guess I'd like the supermarket You go put in the bottles It'll give you a $10 voucher You go to the customer service desk I mean, that's just a good business model I totally respect it Buy low so high Especially if that's what you're using the money for

Of like, hey, I play to scratchers But I only use my redemption money You're out there hustling There you go That's found money, baby That ain't fucking, you know what I mean You're not cashing in the check You're not cashing in your paycheck

Or fucking taking a second mortgage out to play to scratchers You're hustling Flipping shit Hit a couple of yard sales and you're a business Those things are all over the place now I feel like that's become such a thing I mean, it's just because we live in New York No, the bottle redemption stuff

They're fucking like every 10 feet it seems now I mean, that's a huge fucking business People fucking go around and fucking bang that stuff out Throw it in a huge truck Remember down at New York Comedy Club That one would pull up on the weekends I mean, they had a fucking tractor trailer And an army of people

Scooping them up So it's like the guy collects them He sells them to like a middleman Or he's like, I'll give you 20 bucks a bag or whatever That guy then sells them To the truck guy or whatever It just keeps getting stepped on Which now that I think about it

I'm sure they're fucking somebody over Because We have recyclable You have to recycle in New York City So you put your bottles and cans out Whoever your Recycling person is Is supposed to pick that up

And they take it to the recycling center But if they get there There's no recycling They're not getting their money When they take it to the recycling center Right? They're like, they're robbing the train Those people on the street

They're sneaking in and taking the stuff before the collection I don't think the recyclable people Get money for it though Because it's all mixed anyway They're just dropping it all They dig through Because it's not separated You know what I mean?

They're digging for the cans Because it's all just mixed So the trash company doesn't get money for the recyclables That they drop off I don't think so I don't know This sounds like mafia territory I pay my bills at the end of the month

I kick up, alright? But we gotta wrap it up, gang We love you to death. We're on the road Yes Shows have been added Shows have been added We added a second show in Vermont We added a second show in Connecticut

Vermont, Connecticut Shows added Yes, the second Tampa show is going to sell out The second Austin show is going to sell out Get those fucking tickets while they're still We're moving tickets now Get them, come out, party with the boys We'll see you next week