Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Bert Kreischer: Florida Man

Episode Date: March 27, 2022

Bert Kreischer joins Kippy & Foley in studio for a HOT one! Thanks for listening. Love youse guys.  Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AreYouGarbage PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage https://www.athleticgreens.com/GARBAGE https://www.AdamandEve.com Promo Code: GARBAGE Subscribe on iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/are-you-garbage-comedy-podcast/id1499140700 Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash now here are your hosts Kevin Ryan and H Foley hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast this is our you garbage so a little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find it out to go to be classy yeah or if they're just a bagel piece of trash I'm your hostage really coming at you on a glorious day we're down here at Antutti's basement she is so excited about our guest today she's running around a neighborhood with

her shirt off oh baby getting in the spirit I'm getting calls from the post office to get her the hell out of there my co-host is coming at you from right next to me unamused this week he is the founder and CEO of are you garbage he makes the guys in the boardroom nervous and the ladies in the bedroom go alright give it up for KJ Kevin James Ryan hey gang thanks for tuning in as always please make sure you rate you subscribe on iTunes full video available on YouTube and as you know those numbers are true to roof fucking cooking baby then I would be a jerk off an asshole a dickhead if I didn't mention the

greatest website of all time WWW dot patreon.com slash are you Lord check it out bonus content live streams whole different podcasts we do on there check it the fuck out love that money and having a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire the pride of the Chicago comedy scene and the new prodigal son of Astoria Queens give it up for T bone McMuffin Toby McMullen everybody what's up dudes he bone sunny day in New York we've got the credence pumping in the car on the way and we're about to have a good day feeling good the long hair ain't lying gang because we got a little fucking star power in the

building oh yeah not the usual bums and bozos you see dragging around the hallways here our guest is a legendary stand-up comedian podcaster and multi-million dollar enterprise he has numerous specials you can hear him every week on the bird cast two bears one cave he will be performing at the world famous Greek theater in Los Angeles California May 5th let's cut the bullshit he's one of the biggest one of the baddest one of the best there is he is a copo de copo we're talking about a true boss but the big question but he's mine today is he garbage ladies and gentlemen give it up for the machine

mr. Burke right sure it is a pleasure to be here gentlemen look at you thank you so much holy shit you're coming buddy did you get a hint of if I'm garbage by my reach out to get on the podcast that was the nicest thing anybody's ever done Bert texted me the other night hey it's Bert can I do your podcast the first letter that we've received in crayon there was barbecue sauce on it too listen I'm a fan I'm a fan of podcasts in general so when you see good podcast I get excited and then I'm like hey man is it cool if I do your podcast I think I'm a better guest than I am host my podcast I talk over everyone at all fucking

time or like I'm not someone else I'll go so tell me what it was like being on workaholics because when I started watching yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it's good stuff all right let's get into it we know about the machine right yeah college we know about college I want you to take me back to the origin story give me the nuts and bolts I'm talking about a young kid in the hot Florida Sun with a fucking choco taco on his mouth watching Night Rider take us back to that so where in Florida Tampa Tampa Tampa Tampa is different than everywhere else Miami's more more you're international yeah Orlando's bland yeah Tampa's got

some stank on it it's a good time we were just there just there I could move there in a heartbeat Tampa's got a big Cuban influence but it's still the south so it is semi I mean I'll say in my my generation was still semi-segregated like it was not not segregated as in people couldn't live in different places they just didn't yeah like there was like Hillsborough's where all the black kids went to school plants where all the white kids went to school Chamberlain's work chamberlain was mixed but it was like that was that was Tampa and I went to a private the all-black school no I went to the private school in downtown

Tampa as a kid and but we lived in a white trash neighborhood we lived in a real white trash like like legit white that's the thing about Florida white trash isn't it's always right around the corner oh yeah like there's always a pontoon boat somewhere you can get going and I think that's why I have anxiety in life is that white trash is unpredictable very very molesty there's always an uncle hanging around it's always ice cube up someone's handsy do I remember watching them hold this kid down shoving an ice cream up his ass what I was like fuck I think I'm next but he's got his pants off already for us

Thanksgiving what are you talking about I tell us tell us Jim Florida's story we were running a half marathon and I was telling my story and halfway through he's like I think you were molested and I was like no yeah he's like you were definitely like his a look on his man that's just Tampa that's just Florida bro different but then we then we moved to what is what was like a nicer part of North Tampa North Tampa's North Tampa is all kind of very rednecky at the time in the 70s and 80s so we moved to a nicer part of North Tampa which was not a gated community but like it had an entrance you know like it was called

Faircloth Estates and and there that was a little more diverse neighborhood there was like one black kid Chris Colvin and that's pretty diverse Jewish kid like it was like there was yeah and then a Canadian family the hell you talking about the Canadians just moved in down the street a Cuban family but and then that's where I became like a started that's the formative years of me becoming a grown like a boy I was still going to private school then I went to an all-boys Catholic school and that is where I that is where I became who I am today like I learned how to tell a story cuz Cuban kids were like you

sit down at a table you can either tell a story you can't tell story if you can't tell story at an all-boys Catholic school get the fuck out yeah what are you bringing to the table but found out where I stood in sports at that school got my first fistfight all the shit that that like turned me into who I am today right kind of happen there and then went to Florida State had the greatest six and a half years of my life and then out of Florida State and I was always I was always big fish small pond everywhere I was always big fish small pond and then when I went to Florida State I fucking party my balls off I walked I walked on

to the Florida State baseball team the first good well I walked off the same day I was asked to leave in the second inning I walked on coach like Wesley Snipes in Major League they carry you out when you're sleeping on your cot like something up to the sprinklers but baseball's an interesting garbage angle because the coaches like you're talking about the people that form who you are where the coaches all my coaches growing up all my dad coached at a certain point he realized the men that I was hanging around were fucking garbage yeah like outlaws oh do I remember I remember we played for the Yankees two coaches

they were brothers they had four sons between them that were all on our team so that like all four of their sons were on our team meaning they were within a age difference yeah and I remember one saying steak dinner at scissor says I can hit a ground ball past Chrysler and I was like I'm gonna play a third base I'm 11 and I'm like in steak dinners at the scissor and he goes no no and he's like Chrysler toes on the grass toes on the grass for anyone who doesn't know baseball that means you're all your heels are on the clay toes are on the grass in the infield toes on the grass hotbox time let's do it and this guy a

grown man fucking taking full cuts trying to hit a ball past me and I'm just like fucking get me out of here one of them Sundays if I can hit him in the head Jesus but you five bucks I can knock his ass out right now with a curve ball I mean I remember I remember there were times when we moved to this new neighborhood I watched these I told someone about this and it didn't make sense when I told it so I'll tell it slower we watched these kids catch another kid in our lake this kid was standing on an island in our lake running away from two boys with a BB gun who caught him put him in his boat and

then went away with him Jesus it was like I was there and that was like red necks that was like real one dude had an alligator Indian kid of the Jewish kid I know there was a kid we didn't even know I don't even know what we have one kid who ended up being a serial killer one in the neighborhood kids to go into the woods we had woods like big swamps from there and we go back there and be like back you guys I bet you I bet you I can put a stick on my ass and we're like huh and he's like I bet you I get naked climb up the tree but a stick in my ass more like we're just gonna ride by it's gonna try to find some frogs to

blow up yeah and then my sister called me one day she's like yo he killed a bunch of hookers on the causeway whoa shut the fuck up he invited me to this girls house this family was watching this girls house and he was like hey do you want to go over to your house and cut up the panties of their underwear though so you could see it when he was the first kid he was the first kid to saw me that it showed me pornography first time I ever saw pornography which is dad's pornography and I couldn't figure out what the pussy was cuz it was like you know when a woman closes her leg but lifts her legs up and it's just

two bulbs and I was like what is that thing my doesn't look like that so that's me in a nutshell very Florida backstory holy shit right to the serial killer saw dude get struck by lightning at a public's I mean like whoa I think there was a lot of anxiety in my life I feel like I have anxiety now and I go hang on you're gonna reason by this shit yeah so I can get struck by lightning in a public so we just moved to Lutz right and so on Florida Avenue there's a public's at Florida and Bears and we it's rain thunderstorms in Florida bad like we're bad lightning we don't we can't have giraffes with our zoo and so

yeah that's how bad our lightning is they kind of can't have any caps in our mouth so we can't have giraffes at our zoo that's a fucking trashy shit that's not a rule that's insane I mean I just never saw one I don't know maybe I don't know he can have all the lemurs and tigers you want to make it the giraffe in the parking lot of the public Larry Park Zoo Larry Park Zoo was a legit place to go and so so we go to this public's and and it's raining bad it's thunder thunder lightning bad like to the point where my dad we pull in my dad's like all right let's get a fucking run in and as we're running in there's a kid

collecting shopping carts out in the thing and my dad's like buddy Jesus wait yeah and then as soon as we walked in crack and crack I mean you know only people I want to say only people in the south know it but because lightning so bad in the south and I'm I have a real fear of lightning but when you lightning hits in your backyard it feels like it hit you yeah there is a there is a charge I have it I have an arguably true or not true story that that what that I might have got struck by like it's on the fence you don't know what he got molested struck by lightning I think I got struck by lightning one time I was

jogging it was being molested it was a light it was soft lightning so it was not a really aggressive like I don't think that's a thing it was just a little static electricity and it was between me and a guy and it struck in between us and it kind of no one got knocked down but lightning struck in between us and me and I was running and I was running back in Florida you'll go for a jog and then as you turn around you realize a storm's been behind and now you got to run through the storm and I running back I'm on Clearwater Beach over by El Dorado we still have a beach house there and I was as I'm running

there's another guy and lightning strikes in between us scares the fuck out of us and I'm man I my heart was racing and I went into my my dad thinks all my stories are full of shit I'm like I got struck by lightning and he's like we were here I don't believe this and I go no I almost got struck by lightning he's like I don't believe that I know a guy and my my daughters are like sure everything I say I got bit by a bat in Costa Rica my daughters are like bullshit I think this lens into my anxiety is like a little bit of a thing goes a long way for me so I had this emotionally you live it emotionally you were bit by a bat

whether you were bit by a batter well here's the deal is I that was rude to I have a bat I have a bat bite on my leg right we're eating dinner and I go what the fuck is this and the lady comes up she goes oh you're bit by a bat we had been white water rafting and walked by a bush sick bats hang out in bushes in Costa Rica I would have freaked the fuck out and I go I got bit by bat now I think it's funny I text Doug Stanhope Doug Stanhope's like I think if you just keep drinking it goes away that's why I laugh right my kind of doctor I laugh about right and then that night my cameraman this guy Kendall goes I'd be

freaking out if I would be freaking out and I was like why and he goes you got to get rabies shots now yeah I'd be on the first one to Cedar Sinai and I didn't ever got rabies shots what yeah I ended up oh I didn't know that if you don't so you're currently rabbit if you don't get him foaming out the mouth and shit if you don't get him that first four days you can't get him so like I go back I'm going to Africa the next week I'm getting inoculated she goes do you need a rabies shot I was like oh no no I was bit by a bat in Costa Rica and then she goes did you get rabies shots and I said no and she goes well that's a game

changer so you'll never get it well I will have a natural immunity I would know I know I would have gotten rabies by now but then or he's a fucking vampire or my wife goes you didn't get bit by bat yeah or the source material yeah so yeah my source material is always I feel it so it is that's poison ivy Bert relax you can you can go to Sumac type Google Bert Chrysler bat bite and you'll see it it's a fucking bat bite on my leg yes it's a legit bat bite and then there in the I would have freaked out dude my biggest fear is getting sick out of the country I got my biggest fear the next day I after this bad fight the next day I wake

up sweating I have a rough night right I get on a horse on a beach in Costa Rica and the guy says hey man is something going on with you and I was like I got bit by a bat and he was like well my horse the horse can tell I'm like what that's not good he's like horses can read energy really easy even just holding the reins they can read your energy and I was like that's bullshit I get bucked off the fucking horse on the beach the beat the horse I get on the horse and we start to go and he takes off and I'm like what the fuck and he's trying to buck me off the whole time guy comes over grabs the horse calms it down I'm

half on the horse half off I got out and I was like fuck this I started drinking pretty aggressively yeah and I phoned it in the rest of that episode for Costa Rica you're a vampire dude I'm telling you so yeah might have gotten struck by lightning probably got bit by a bat also on the Florida State Regatta and the Super Bowl twice MVP once yeah what happened to the kid at Publix man so he gets struck by lightning right right he finished the shift what's the deal everyone goes out and the kids laying there smoldering Jesus carts carts smoldering carts this they scatter like cockroaches they're and we're

sitting there there was a pee coach like I just think they'd like coaching pants on there's like a coach looking guy what's wrong with you man and he's like he's like he was a coach looking guy he's like you remember those coaching pants no I know I know they're a bike yeah there yeah I eat a shit good looking guy handlebar must have to be to pull those off and he's like someone should we go get him and everyone's like I leave him out there I think he threw up on himself let the rain he shit himself from here let his jewelry melted into his body let him cool down a little bit I got ice cream in the cart buddy I ain't

helping anybody I gotta get this home to the freezer I got sherbert in here big fella he's in the Lord's hands holy shit the rain will take him get me with all this goddamn lunch meat I just bought his horse head to mother fucker the place a buffalo someone someone was like someone's like don't go out there there's lightning and I remember thinking now as an adult going that's the safest place to be it's not gonna hit there twice like oh yeah it's not a shark it's not a fucking shark waiting for us in the fucking yeah it's not like one of those snipers that like wounds people so you come out to help them and

then get you remember the DC sniper yeah I remember being terrified of that how fucking horrible you just fill up your car with gas and your head explodes yeah I know anyway so after a minute the kid gets up looks around he's like shut up yeah and we're like over here he comes in and he's like what happened oh you're allergic to dairy and then we had to sit there while the ambulance came with it someone called ambulance and we sat there and was he smoking the whole time no I don't really remember much I remember my dad getting me away from it because I do remember asking him if he had superhuman powers can you read my

mind right now bend this spoon bend this spoon my dad's like he's powder my dad's like that's not how you want to go out buddy you do not want to get struck by lighting I will tell you that you don't want to get struck by lightning killed by a dog like my dad my dad would parent by my because he was a lawyer so he'd show you pictures of shit that happened to kids crime scene and then be like stay with him dogs take a look at this kid got mulled by a fucking dog you'd be like okay yeah so that's my childhood Florida baby fuck dude what Tampa does have great it's just got especially if you booze it's got fun vibes strip clubs I was there

within 20 minutes I'm like I could we talked about I talked about moving this whole operation down to Tampa I would I would just for the fucking fun of it I would the problem with Tampa is alligators number one lots alligators lots of lightning lots of rednecks gun everything you just told us for the last time guns pulled on you a lot like a lot I mean everybody's packing down everyone's got a gun everyone has a firearm and everyone is willing to pull it out in a traffic stop and show you that they have a gun I distinctly remember having a gun pulled on us I won't say everyone's name but I want to so bad but some of the

guys were successful now and we were in it was two two sets of cuz three three cousins and me there were three cousins and we used to do scavenger hunts on the day before this big mass on Friday we had a big mass we'd all go scavenger hunt and strip clubs and so the scavenger hunt we stole a bird bath or a lawn jockey out of someone's yard in the guy you say a mass yeah big mass on because it almost like a church like church yeah you do a scavenger hunt where you steal property from individuals then go to the strip club then go to church and then church Friday morning everyone stay up and that's right I heard that correct

because you had to do confession so you can get it all out yeah I don't hate it clean as a whistle baby yeah yeah ready for Monday morning yeah the purge that hey I'm in and then after that mass we go and streak the girl's school jeez and that crazy I remember we streak the girl's school and we didn't know what the setup of the girl's school this is I mean this is like hardcore cancel shit now we didn't know the setups we get totally naked we're a fan it's like 20 of us stuck in traffic and we're outside man hang we're outside the girl's school and and we're like all right go and we all take off inside of Academy

holy names is the name of school and we hit the first floor first which is first grade in kindergarten and we are like fuck go go up and so the girls are age wrong like we're sorry on the third floor it's me to go up through a lot of breath when you get up there when did it when did naked when did I mean it was like fucking you girls see anything you like hey Tammy next week but all that scavenger hood guy comes out he was in the CRX the CRX there's a little one with the shoe I know it well CRX blue blue CRX he comes out pulls up next to us we're on beta bay we're on beta bay we're getting

going to take a left to get on the bay shore we go to take a left he pulls up next and he pulls out a gun and he's this is a car and this is our his car and he's pulled up and he puts the gun in the window and I'm sitting shotgun and I just go it's a gun like right here and I'm like mother fucker completely naked no no no we've closed this scavenger hood and so then this guy we fought this guy down bay shore I mean the last I saw this guy he was holding on the side of our car and we were in punching at us and we pushed him off the car and he rolled off on bay shore and we kept and then that night we quit the scavenger hunt we were terrified and we parked

in a parking lot and just in trauma just waiting for someone to pull a gun on us but uh yeah that was Florida was Florida was kind of fucking still yeah a wild west of the south I remember one time I remember one time driving on my buddy came his house and I had a fox and this uh Mustang pulled up we were on uh 275 and I was going fast you know like maybe 80 and this Mustang flies up next to me and gets in front of me going faster so I pull out to get to pass him I'm in a fox and he just punches it and gets in front of me again they've been raining and he hits a puddle any hydroplanes spins on the interstate going probably 90 miles an hour spins hits the side goes off the fucking interstate into a tree and because he was in front of me he emptied the puddle

and I went through it and I didn't hydroplane and I went motherfucker and I do have anxiety I wonder now that I'm telling you all these stories I wonder if that's where it comes from all this shit that happened to me yeah I mean yeah it's been 14 minutes and I can see where your anxiety you watch a guy die in a public fucking parking lot he's lived he lived I'm sure there's no way that guy's alive what about the guy in the Mustang I know I know two other dudes got struck by lightning also kip adam and eve baby adam and eve.com been a fan for a long long time t-bone cut the lights and light me a burning that's what I'm

talking about gang what's going on in the boudoir huh need something to spice it up a little bit everybody's looking for a little bit of better sexy it's fun now it's great it's all out there out in the open we're sex positive let's have fun talk to your partner gang get over there to adam and eve and get yourself some goodies as they say yes adam and eve is offering 50 off just about any what these guys are boncos adam and eve are both boncos yike giving away the stewar yike toys on christmas uh coming out of the woodwork yeah just go to adam and eve.com select any one item it could be adventurous new toy or anything you desire they got it from A to Z you know try some new stuff spice it up a little bit live a little hit me up just enter code garbage at

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good good stuff i mean what are we doing right now it's time to reclaim your health and arm your immune system with convenient daily nutrition uh it's just one scoop and a cup of water every day that's it no need for a million different pills supplements to look after your health to make it easy athletic greens is going to give you a free one year supply of immune supporting vitamin d which i use every day there you go five free travel packs with your first purchase there you go all you have to do is visit athletic greens dot com slash garbage again that's athletic greens dot com slash garbage take ownership over your health and pick up the ultimate daily nutritional insurance now back to that show yeah lightning was a fucking son of a bitch like there people got

struck by lighting a lot like these things up here jesus christ can i tell you the funniest thing i've the hardest i've ever laughed with my daughter georgia my daughter is terrified of bees right terrified since she was a little kid she got stung by a bee once and she's been terrified she couldn't play the outfield in softball for a certain period of time because she just kept looking at the floor for bees right they were all though they were everywhere too so one day one day we go on a hike and fryman canyon is maybe 11 years old and and as we go to turn this corner we see people coming down going go go and we're like what the fuck are they doing and we start making fun of them is like good good and then isla turns corner and she goes what's the shadow from

it's a swarm of 2000 that isla walks into it georgia and i are behind her we see her walk into bees and she moved the only way i can describe it is is is if she got all new body parts and she was trying them for the first time like captain caveman and georgia and i and i like goes bees and georgia and i fell on the ground laughing because it was her biggest fear and we saw her witness it and then the whole walk down she's like i told you bees are real they're dangerous and we're like that she wasn't stung though right no she didn't get stung because here's the weird thing that same thing happened to me at lacrosse practice one time we were standing there it was the spring me and my boy are standing there we're goofing around we're doing a little

scrimmage all of a sudden night or day turned to night and we were fucking surrounded by again like 2000 fucking bees not one of them touched us because when they're looking for a new home they don't fuck with anybody when the queen's out really yeah because they settled on the baseball field couple of gentlemen couple of fields down really and we all came out like dirt bags the whole school to look at it why they fucking torch them holy shit yeah that's don't fuck with you but that's your she wasn't been freaked out i was my child and i was could not stop laughing i could not stop laughing at her oh my god what was the house situation growing up single family home nope mom and dad uh two sisters one sister one sister is 10 years younger than me but just a single

family home is the house it wasn't like an apartment or a single family oh oh oh oh oh oh my god you own multiple properties now i presume and you don't know single family yeah single family yeah yeah single family single parent i thought you said single parent i was like no were you just fucking with us no i just now we had plenty of cousins around a couple of uncles hanging no single family home yeah definitely who's a single family home watching you think is one of my favorite things of the world you can see it happen i'm gonna have to take my fucking jacket off i'm sweating now i'm laughing so hard i can't believe this is sary that you answer my question he ran through the family treats nope two sisters a dad of mom we were all good did you think i think it was

thought it was just you raising yourself it was five of us actually yeah it's a five family home so public's was the first to start oh fuck me oh my god um we get that all because we're up here so supermarkets are a big thing public's how does public's rank in like where do you shop now by the way well it's not win dixie win this is good or bad bad bad win dixie's the the trash you was trashier family mart was trashier that sounds family mart did you have food lying down there by you i don't think so because when we were kids there was a big do you remember the big scandal with food lying no they were like fucking taken meat from three years

ago and rewrapping it and dishing it to people no 60 minutes fucking got ahold of them and didn't let go we didn't have that we didn't have walmart we didn't have target we have public's and we had kmart i think but public's were all right public's now public's now's are are high end they're like they've shifted if you talk to any florida kid if you say public sub they're like that's our wawa really the public's hubs are massive they're fucking amazing they don't skimp and now you go to a public since it's got sushi they'll have a wine bar they're high end okay now you go i'm sure where do you go now missus goes to like a beyond whole foods right what in la yeah oh we got one to begin with me gelson's gelson's is uh was where we did most of our

food shopping and now honestly we moved to a place where maybe i go to ralph's okay all right ralph's is good respectable it's good that's good yeah i like it do your parents did they still live in the house that you grew up in no can you tell us the name of the street that it was cobra court courts are all right that's pretty good embassy lane was the first place really embassy we got a kennedy in the building over here no embassy lane wasn't as nice as you think we live next we live next to a cop a chinese immigrant family across the street was a bunch of chinese people lived in that neighborhood oddly i think one family moved in and then moved everyone in and then a couple of next sheriff lived next door to us and then i watched a dude finger a girl

like two houses down we let a kid on fire three houses down jesus christ that's our embassy road that is whaling family around the corner yeah it was it was a pretty it was yeah what kind of vacations would you guys do as a kid where would you guys go not really anywhere really yeah because my dad is not that kind of guy but also timby you're like at the beach already you know i mean you got water and stuff we went to orlando these are the vacations i remember you've been to disney world i assume no but i mean i have now i have now as a kid i think we went but we went to orlando and me and my sister were so amazed at the hotel you didn't want to leave that we didn't want to leave they had a grotto they had a arcade they had a pool they had everything in this hotel they do it

right down there yeah we were literally just there yeah we didn't want to stay and then we went to key west one time we never left that hotel either yeah we never my dad is not and he's not like a this was my bad my dad the big thing about my dad i remember i had to deal with this like later in life and it's ironic that i'm saying this my dad was not a hey would you take a picture of us kind of guy so we have no family pictures of like i don't think any dads in the 70s or 80s were yeah but now nowadays with like how much i'm on social media taking pictures of my family and showing it all my life it's ironic because i remember the i remember uh i went to i went to uh the grand canyon with bobby kelly uh bobby matt frost he's an agent over at cia and

vincent nastry who's a manager and i i was really i wanted a picture of myself in front of the grand canyon not with everyone else by myself and i went and it was my was shaking i had a disposable camera and i walked up to people and i was like can you take a picture of me and i remember i why don't you ask one of them why don't you ask bobby to do it i was too embarrassed yeah bobby what the fuck bird you want to fuck a picture you want to fuck a picture you want to buy the hardest i've ever laughed is uh bobby we were like because bobby and matt and vincent came around came over to us and i was and i just got a picture of myself i was in a jason williams jersey and my hair was dyed god was dyed blonde no shirt on there just the going real

classy i see just the jersey with madras shorts you can find this picture online god damn and uh a jason williams jersey at the grand canyon i got this picture that's fucking and i remember that is a tough hang we asked this lady to take a picture of us and she just grabbed like if this is the grand canyon we were here and when i came can you take a picture of us she goes yes sure and she took a picture of us without the grand canyon in the back and bobby goes how about we put the fucking grand canyon in the back she goes oh yeah okay and then we turn around four assholes stand to buy a bench i bet i got a station wagon i bet i got that picture oh my god what was your first job uh working for uh working for my dad at his office okay standard first car uh a fox

okay have a tree for it in the backyard it's funny how you remember he is this is the picture i'm not wearing a jason williams jersey so funny but i was just struck by like i swear to god if you asked me i was wearing a jason williams jersey in this picture and i'm definitely not that's a good one right oh because he was unclothed okay uh fox a fox there's not too far i wanted i wanted to get a uh must hang i thought those were bad i wanted one too but yeah but my dad uh what is a fox i'm pretending like i know i don't know what is it it's a step below the jeta it's back in the day so it's like right so a jeta had a jeta had uh a tail that went up kind of and a fox had a tail that went down close to a shirako oh no shirakos were sixteen thousand dollars a fox that was a hot

shit car in my hot chocolate blue book over here yeah yeah no i no i do this was a really big deal for me sure yeah first car i wanted a shirako sixteen eighteen thousand dollars a jeta was like fourteen fifteen thousand dollars and a fox was like nine ten thousand dollars and my dad's like i can get you the fox but he got me one in the showroom so it was like a really nice it was a really nice car i love that car stick stick shift yeah nice yeah it's good stuff oh what's the tree fort situation at the house when you were a kid uh any swing sets no we had we had a tree next door that we could climb that i would i would climb a lot that was like a fallen down oak and so the inside was hollowed out so it kind of looks like a pirate ship in the middle yeah that's

a good time but i was for most of the time i was in a boat yeah i was in a i was in a basp a john boat in the backyard i went down for new years to tampa i was in a fucking pontoon boat at noon in saint pete's beach and like i was in with a six six pack i was in heaven yeah there's nothing better than that i have a buddy whose favorite memory growing up was he had a he had a nighttime job and we get off he'd get his pontoon boat and he'd listen to hold on loosely at six in the morning doing circles around his small lake drinking beer yelling have fun stepping in my jizz suckers love that this guy parties for sure yeah tampa florida jesus christ hmm everybody went air show of course you ever seen a crash in an air show no you'd think i would have though the way i live my life

the way i tell stories you think i almost want to tell a story about what you were in no yes there i am in an f-16 i'm coming in low over 278 guy in a mustang in front of me i was a stunt pilot for a day though oh yeah yeah yeah yeah of course well it's also like you ever done this and he's done he's had multiple tv shows i was like how let me do the craziest shit for a decade yeah that was a stunt pilot for a day and i did hammer head rolls to the ground i did stalls i did flips i did everything i was fucking crazy what he was in there with you i was someone in the yeah yeah yeah i was like how do i let it rip no someone was in there and he was just it was like very technical it wasn't as scary as you think there's one of those two-seater jones like where two-seaters i think he was behind

me those oh i would freak out man no he was like all right right pedal left pedal uh turn to the right and then all you just go you just listen to him if you just listened you were fine and then he'd be like all right all right pull back left pedal and then you just do it and you pull out and it was it was terrifying but i do notoriously not a good flyer not a good flyer i do not fly well and so that was uh that was pretty intense and you moved around a lot of the air but uh yeah holy shit we're doing first class now right i would assume oh yeah always yeah i i i this is where i'm out flying not to brag but this is what i'm talking about i'm no longer airline loyal nice that's when you know it's pretty good it's once because that's the thing american really fucked up because i was

american rider die rider die no matter what and i was buying first class but i was only buying on american and then i got to a place where i was like oh i will never i'm now i can't i can't fly coach i just can't i'm too big i like drinking i want to sleep and uh you're my and i was like i was like and i and now i realized it doesn't it doesn't i'm never gonna use the miles i'm never using miles for anything i eat because anything i do is always work if i'm taking the girls to europe i'm doing a show in greece and that's gonna be a work trip i'm buying the ticket anyway and so then uh i would love to know how many miles you have oh it's probably a stupid amount i pop yeah very stupid i i was i was dragging in i was averaging dragon in that's a real fucking

that's real cowboy shit i was dragging in about 250 000 miles a year so so executive platinum's 100 000 miles a year and i would hit that in three months and but but you gotta remember i was working for travel channel or mostly but we're gonna travel channel so i was flying back and forth from europe back and forth from africa all over so i was flying a lot i'm that at my height of flying i was the thing called concierge key which you're not supposed to talk about but i don't give a fuck heard about this and it's we just got kicked out of the delta lounge in atlanta we just we both individually got fucking got booted from the amix lounge really our limits weren't high enough not even a peanut not even a peanut or a pretzel nugget oh dude can i tell you what i do now we're

just getting money for the first time in our lives and we're finding out quickly that we don't really have any money i do a thing i do a thing called private suite this guy's got it all private suite you so it's a separate entrance to the airport so the airport this is what i've heard you talk about this airport's fucking job holy shit here right and then the air all the all the business is here check in and all that is on the left sure private suite is its own little entity off to the other side of the airport so you pull in valet like your it's it's it's it looks like you're pulling into a like to a very private restaurant they they greet you at the car they take you to a room the room is filled with what you tell them what you want but they know me so they always

have titos they always have wine they have snacks candies they bring in they have a menu you can order from they bring always bring in caviar and champagne to greet you caviar you get there i'm so sorry we've had so many people on the show you're the first person who has an airport rider that is fucking sick is it connected to an airline uh no so so you go to the airport yeah it's it's so you go to like you said he's not these bums that we normally have peter how fucking insane is it it's fucking insane it's the coolest thing you ever do if you want to smoke cigars or whatever they have an outdoor one that's attached to an outdoor you things at the airport what are we doing gang quick announcement on the middle class famous tour we are going to be coming to a city

near you for a live stand-up show and playing a yg with the audience we're going to be in san francisco california los angeles california la joya california and we'll also be in pittsburgh buffalo detroit denver phoenix salt lake city chicago then over there to roseman and that's just to me we're going to be adding some dates it's going to be a fantastic time grab the squad come out and see us get your tickets it's a good time i brought my kids my daughter was turned uh 15 and and she had her birthday and we're i was doing a lannock city so i brought the girls with lannock city they each brought two friends what a flex and i brought all of them into the private suite and they had a birthday cake for isla there and all her friends were like what the fuck is this

then you get so cool that's good crap now how'd that make you feel oh like a gangster anytime any i don't have no problem spending money to avoid anxiety or to treat my kids i have a hard time spending money on myself like cars and stuff like that i'm not that kind of guy but like that i remember one time we pulled up and the the line for the line to get to the airport was i'm talking it looked like like someone lit up a christmas tree house like like that it's just a string of lines right it was animals and we pulled around and we missed all of it we pulled the others totally other side of the airport you go in you sit down you have a few drinks you get there an hour and a half you can get there five minutes before your flight and then

just they'll grab you'll score they take your id they check you in they check all your luggage then they grab you they take you through their tsa so if there's no line it's not a line at all you walk in they put you in a seven series bmw or a escalade and they drive you on the tarmac over next to the plane and then you enter the stairs you know when you check your bags and then they and then when you land they bring them up that flight of stairs yeah you walk up those stairs and you board the plane last it is gangster damn so there's a nuclear war you're going to be in the bunker you're one of those people oh yeah no listen here's the deal do you know who killed jfk by the way i just met oliver stone the uh yeah by the way he seems like a truck

hang i love him he was a truck but he seems an intense hang google the picture he did not enjoy burprice yeah you two are polar opposite yeah it was very he was struck by lightning he's talking about world war two or something you ever have a public sub he optioned the rights to my life that's why yeah that's why i met him so so uh but no so it's a private suite for me is the alternative of flying private like i love flying private is but it's just so does not make sense financially okay you have to be making you have to be making you have to have joe rogan signing bonus money and even joe doesn't fly private all the time like it just is so expensive to fly from new york to la is insane so my my my caveat is i can get private suite for a

fraction of the cost for me by myself it's six hundred dollars six hundred dollars for me to go private suite we don't got that pinhead you can well you got you gotta join patreon.com you're telling me to get tsa pre-check yeah these bozos don't even have pre-check yet i go through pre-check when we go in the row i go through pre-check i gotta fucking wait for these animals no caviar over there i can tell you that you're dead wait to me you are the fucking you are the donner party you're gonna eat each other's dicks i am going i'm sitting in a cafe waiting for these fucking bars going they can suck my dick damn bird it's me foley from are you garbage you guys stink i'm hanging with burt from now on you gotta be a member of private suite so that's the

heart that's the caveat you gotta pay like hypothetically a big chunk of money for a membership but like 40 bucks what are we talking about a couple of scratchers what are you talking is there a payment plan situation i put one on layaway burt i'm good for it do they take podcast merch we got new tortis we're giving out the tortis coming your way thanks the middle class famous store check it out i'm being la i promise you this i promise you this if you're ever in la okay i'm gonna be there two weeks are you really yeah and then when do you leave if i'm there and i'm flying out i will take you with me on private suite and you will by the way he brings us in just throws us out yeah we can check like luggage here's the best part of it we're down

on the bottom with all the dogs and stuff here's the best part of it is you pay for everything in that room so they want you to take it with you take it do you take it we take it that's trashy though that's the trash in you hold on they got look take this is if you're walking with like half empty bottles of if you pull out a blanket right now i'm gonna lose it he's got the eye mask you guys eat headphones huh he wants headphones this is private suite loot right here okay this toothbrush that's pretty cool though oh it's you just got a loose toothbrush in your pocket that's insane dude what the fuck are we doing here this charger so they give they give you these chargers these lightning chargers that charge those are pretty good to make it always have them

in there and when we go there we fight for them the steve furious like i call charger and you're like whoa he's talking about private suites at the fucking airport then pulls out a loose toothbrush from his fucking jacket today's a long day today's a long day i like brushing my teeth i get it but that's nuts dude popping a cvs or drain dwayne reed they're on every corner i keep it in my pocket you never know you should have a cover on it man no it's my pocket it's so funny i was literally gonna ask one of the questions we do sometimes is what's in your pocket i wish i would have done that before that that would have been insane a thousand dollars a loose toothbrush my headset yeah i got 35 grand and two zanex two bitcoins some loose drugs and toothbrush four hundred dollars worth of

fish eggs they're still good i gotta eat them by noon i just eat the i love that you take everything i just oh you take everything that's the trash in you we empty that fucking place i mean it they have nothing left in that room when we leave and especially during pandemic they were like they had to crash it because it's someone who just there it's the justification so i mean we're talking and they know what you like so now like they leave extra chocolate covered almonds extra skittles extra they have wine not that many beers they have these little immunity shots we fucking take everything man love it i take the caviar spoons too so i can do bumps later use it from ice cream makes me feel like a giant

by the way eat that's how i eat my tricks eating ice cream with a sample spoon is the fucking greatest dude so only way what kind of animal eats over the regular fuck no table spoon all day oh no baby you're crazy sample spoon samples a ladle if i could oh like a lot of milk with my with my cocoa puffs man you are something else my friend have you ever been to small claims court i'm not okay well you sit at the counter to diner i will you don't have to look but in your pocket right now are there any bills with tape on them no you can do that right away have you ever owned a lizard snake or a bird uh all of them have you ever stuffed somebody in a locker or been stuffed in a locker yourself actually done it i've been stuffed in a locker yes

late bloomer huh a couple of weeks ago that's a gore after he has a couple of drinks get real hansy it was at the denver airport believe it or not hurt locker uh hmm were you ever big into auto trader magazine nope ever ruined a family vacation or gathering yep i mean probably this week if i had to get a couple times a couple a cut of a fair amount of times like straight like everyone left too drunk or you said something all right a number of times yeah hey you showed us the toothbrush all right give the guy so yeah what more do you want um do you cut your burger in half when you eat it a hundred percent gentle really a hundred

percent well you take the steak knife from a nice steakhouse no when was the last time you stole a pint glass from a bar probably pretty recently yeah i could well yeah we just because i i make irish exits irish cabai so will you sneak the beer out so you can have i don't sneak and i just walk yeah you kind of got that cachet now yeah yeah i'm the machine i got struck by lightning i don't know what's going on in the last three to sixty five days have you shit in your pants oh god yeah are you fucking serious i can't put such a private lounge over here hey boys i shit in the bed i give you all the pants you need um all right anyone in your family play semi-pro football no okay you ever wore

pants that zip into shorts yeah that's a very Florida thing i gotta be ready to party but they only zip once and then you never go back you're like well loose i have shorts now i lost that leg yeah that's what nobody thinks about you gotta walk around with half a set of pants in your pockets where you gonna put your toothbrush um magazines in the bathroom yes okay have you ever had a quail egg yes yes yes yes you like i love them i just had fucking what 15 the other day 15 yeah i had a full fucking jar big omelet yeah i've had a large amount of quail eggs i love i actually love quail eggs a 15 quail i wasn't coming to jar we got a jar of quail eggs i ate all i ate them in the fucking car ride over i couldn't stop eating them i love quail eggs wait they were

hard boiled yeah hard boiled i've had i've had i've had every type of quail egg you have now that you say that i've really enjoyed duck eggs i love eggs i love eggs i like eggs too i like eggs what do you do if you crack an egg and there's like the double yolk oh i jack off yeah that's good right i jack off that's good i take i take pictures of it i take pictures of it i post it on instagram i send it to rogan look at my fucking look at my chickens are doing yeah yeah it's a good time root beer birch beer root beer you didn't you could have said anything after that i have a specific brand that you like no i and aw barks aw is my what we have on the bus i love a and w uh but i love going and finding small like of course any of someone's if you're from for you got philly

roots check out hanks i've had i've had i've had i'll tell you right now in a parallel universe i am brewing root beer in northern washington with a beautiful blonde swedish wife six kids and a shitload of quail eggs and fucking and a lot of st. pernards well that's a good time uh you got the tour bus now is there is there an essential item for the tour bus that really ups the quality of life for you uh yeah a water pick i couldn't get into it i tried it i couldn't get into it i like it i water pick probably twice a day i love water tried i bought why everybody was raving i got one just didn't stick floss every day i floss every day you do you do old school floss or the picks picks right the glides i'll i'll you and let me tell you something they're fantastic if i find a

pick i know it's mine i'll use it again wow do you smell them oh you gotta smell them fingers fingers on this on the floss run them down and then to the nose i told him that he was mine was blown you gotta do it ever since some of the ripest shit you've ever had in your life dude i have a hole in one of my molars that's why i'm water picking so much lately and i in the morning i will i will water pick that hole and the smell that comes out is so aggressive yeah what's where they're rotting me what's going on in there it's wild take bacteria i'll show it to you take a look oh right there yeah and uh it's good looking tongue though thank you looks like he was chewing firecrackers oh i have oh i should tell you this i got hit in the mouth of the baseball bat when i

was 11 and i lost 26 teeth so all the shark all the teeth you see who has that many teeth in 11 you have 32 you have 32 well i'm an asshole that's like the 710 split piece is crazy but you never cry on your teeth no i've never counted my teeth how many teeth did you wait that would have been a great question how many teeth do you think you think you have 100 115 i don't know 2220 whoever it takes you know what i mean what movie is that from what 2220 what are you taking mr mom mr mom yeah yeah mr mom what are you working on some electrical work yeah what are you doing 222 2220 whatever it takes yeah why don't you come on in here ron show you're doing a little my time off people can i grab one more i'll take one more too that's like a great yeah yeah

drinking beers with the machine during the day let's fucking go yeah this is it this is what we play for uh have you ever had one of those magic wallets where you can go like that yeah yeah of course of course i've been saving that for a year i knew he was gonna say yeah of course i did if you're getting a big potato what are the toppings that you'd prefer on it and i'm gonna like that he's gonna paint his masterpiece just butter i'm all right with that classic right in the middle one full stick of butter on a baked potato i fucking love butter it's a big one from a steakhouse you're talking to a huge butter man i use it like icing i'm telling you it's not i use it on it can i tell you i dated a chick who put her on a pop tart one time and a game changer someone was just talking

about that i'll give you something get a honey bun put it in the microwave with the butter on top for like look at him for like his eyes just rolled back in his head burnt for like 12 seconds enter nirvana unbelievable my daughter puts them on oreos butter on oreos but she put man she has a butter problem i love dude i love it she just she just came up veganism so i love my youngest was like one day came down i'm going vegan and we're like that's stupid she's like i'm going vegan i've had eggs i don't i think it'll get rid of them and so she was vegan for like six months seven months maybe since april april right the other night she comes down she goes i'm done let's get a pizza i said what she goes pizza sausage and onion and we're like okay and

then the next day she goes steak i need a steak back on the horse and then we went to in and out last night for dinner i mean she is fucking back and she walked down that burger yeah fucking punching cows when she walks by them pussy don't look at me uh pop tarts or toaster strudel pop tarts oh wait toast some strudels that's not what they're called i thought they were called toast for the record folks toaster strudels i thought it's toast them strudels just so everybody knows toast them strudels no it's toaster strudels and by the way burt it is april okay just wanted to let you know that it's april oh so it was about a year ago wait is it toast them strudels no toast toaster you're taking a stake them pills how do you feel about stake them uh come on daddy

a hundred percent good night it's toast them strudels no it's not toaster strudels strudels uh toast them strudels that's the mandalorian effect you're talking about mandala effect mandalorian effect i'm surrounded by bozos there's birds rubbing off on me it's toaster i got a bad case of the christians it's called toaster strudels toaster strudels pills very toaster all this years i thought it was toast that's going viral toast them strudels which they were awesome when we were kids but i don't know about now now the pop tart has really really come into itself yeah they really know what they're doing i'll tell you what hot or cold i i'll tell you what when especially when someone takes something that's industrial corporate and then makes it thrown

have you had homemade pop tarts no how do you do that i get them like a lot of people will bake stuff for our show like they'll bake us up we had a woman not trying to throw anyone under the bus we had a woman one time because i like i like uncrustables yeah she made me an uncrustable donut her homemade uncrustable donut that was so good wow tim dylan woke up at six in the morning and got an uber to her place and bought some for himself before we left that morning they were that fucking shout out to timmy yeah timmy d knows what he's doing around that move but i've had homemade pop tarts and they are wow phenomenal i never thought of that if there was just a little more filling in them yeah they got to be juice they got to be like the double stuff so homemade pop

tarts probably are probably like this big this this but they're this that's what i'm talking about fucking coming your mouth that's what i'm talking about will you do a fig newton 100% a sleeve of fig yes you can't just i don't do one cookie i'm not a one cookie guy i'm a i'm a i'm a really want anything i'm gonna i'm gonna suck down a regrettable amount of cookies favorite cookie one cookie what is it orios i have a problem with orios standard straight up regular double stuff double stop okay you ever put them in milk and crunch them up and eat them like cereal i'm sorry i apologize how do you mean to insult a gentleman you almost you must hate you dude i'll take i'll take nutter butters and leave them on the counter for an evening so they get stale and they're soft

and with when it comes to orios i soak them i take the fork shove it in the icing and then i stick it in the fucking thing until it's fucking good and then pulled out still attached to the fork and to the mouth god because the icing is hard and the cookie soft yeah i love orios yeah it's something else this is a big one okay this might determine a lot okay i'm gonna give you two choices helman's mayonnaise or miracle whip oh helman's without you almost had you have scored it from the premise i i made the big mistake in college of getting miracle whip thinking it was mayonnaise it ain't it stinks and i because i i like mayonnaise sardines and saltine crackers whoa mayonnaise sardines sardines and saltine crackers how are things in the 20s yeah Jesus

christ isn't that what they ate in the burbs in that movie the weird family that's civil war shit right there Jesus that's like findland's shit who does that i loved it especially they served on the titanic dude it's so fucking good this guy's old school assaulting a dab of mayonnaise with the with the sardine and uh and i and i picked up uh miracle whip and i was trying to explain to a girl how good it was and i used miracle whip instead and all of a sudden i put it in my mouth i was like this isn't what i get it out i got the wrong thing in my mouth it's just peanut butter yeah miracle whip stinks uh you can only choose one the cool ranch dorito or the original nacho cheese original nacho cheese of course talking

gentleman bagel bites or pizza rolls pizza rolls whoa uh at the christier household now single family no who all lives there please tell me no it's me my daughter my wife got two dogs had a parakeet and all what the fuck happened to him is the butter on the counter is it in the fridge butter's on the counter whoa is it salted or unsalted unsalted is that a you thing or your wife thing that's not my wife thing yeah we eggs on the counter butter on the counter you can't do eggs on the counter oh yeah hold on are you do you have chickens yourself though we had chickens yeah they're all dead now but we were eggs on the counter butter on the counter

fucking party poop all yeah at feathers all the others on the eggs like it was and we got the best eggs down there all dead eggs in the eggs in the fridge hey you gotta go hey still on the counter yeah butter still on the counter grow up better on the counter go no oh no butter butter in the fridge peanut butter in the fridge peanut butter in the fridge sauce in the fridge and was raised by wolves yet hot everything in the fridge everything in the fridge catch you catch up in the fridges catch yes yeah syrup in the fridge cold syrup on an ego in the morning not my wife my wife syrup in the cow are we talking like ancha mime or like proper maple syrup when I was a kid we didn't

get proper maple yeah whatever it was a public yeah when the lightning wasn't there when you weren't fucking storm Jason wonder bread white or stromen wheat wonder bread white yeah whoa that's a curveball I like it I just made me mad that question any relatives uh aunts uncles that you don't call by their real name like an aunt toody an uncle cookie a jojo and 20 uncle pooch whoa uncle bones you got pooch and bones mama jim mama jim mama jim uh hobby yeah what are you and Leonard skinner mama jim all of them all sound like roadies by the way it's like a junk band yeah yeah yeah yeah mama jim on the buckets yeah mama jim raised mama jim playing the caviar spoons y'all yeah yeah yeah a lot of nicknames we're big we're a big nickname family you got

a nickname in the family i've got a million a fetus from the family no no oh for anybody from the family i'm birdie boy to everyone everyone calls me birdie boy uh be bopper uh my daughter's call me fetus birchwood mcfuzz uh fa fetus let birdie gaga they never they never call me daddy their dad dad where are you daddy i remember one time i remember one time i messed up but what i went to say was dad please but i said daddy please and my fucking sisters lost their fucking shit they're like did you just call him daddy yeah you drop a daddy to a certain age you never look at daddy at a certain age and it is like it's that's it's like your dick falling out of your pants or seeing your mom's pussy it's bad god holy shit how do you feel about the rotisserie

chicken fucking come on yeah very fucking baby very i will not buy whole chickens and rotisserie them myself because they're the same price you can for the same price it's like a nickel you get a whole chicken you get a whole chicken sitting in its juices for hours it's it's the greatest oh you make chicken salad out of those uh i how do you eat it you just fucking go well i i i quarter it immediately i go take i take poultry scissors real quick but for the let's let's be very real if we have a rotisserie chicken i take the top off and i pull off one fine leg and i eat the fine leg very quickly very quickly with some lu kateka hot sauce mixed with ranch okay then then i what color lu kateka uh the triple x the hottest one that makes you ship

blood and where are you where are you mixing it are you having a ramekin on a plate on a plate ranch lu kateka mix them and i will do uh one thigh one leg then i'll cut up i'll take scissors cut the breasts up and i cut the breasts in jamaican chunks you know where they just slice they just cut jamaicans will just cut loose rough yeah i do that and i will eat a half a chicken standing over it when we get it back from the grocery store i'm at the counter you're going that's like a bag of chips at the counter i i love rotisserie chicken so good like you can't bring if you bring one home you need to bring two home knowing that i'm gonna take that first one down love it love it i assume you're a big eat the groceries when they get back on a saturday it's

nice oh i'm we talk about fresh fresh meat all the fresh sandwich a french lot of fresh like turkey and cheese or whatever on a nice roll i'm gonna eat the groceries in the store got a guy too or do you walk up with like an empty wrapper like hey i had this loaf of bread or whatever yeah i that's so tragic hey you're all out of grapes supply chain issues i guess huh the first time i ate fruit i ate fruit jesus for open i ate fruit and then i brought it up and i'd eaten half of it like cherries i'd eat cherries all time it's all pits and shit and another one's like i don't know how many you you're gonna have to get on the scale sir you ate and i was like it's not a weigh station

she goes you know but you just ate a bunch but you haven't paid for them you can't eat by weight yeah i was eating cherries and just spitting them in the thing and she was like well how did you eat that's like a lot and then i don't know but we used to do that with bread we they'd bring lebrea break or we bring over bread and i get my daughters and we'd rip the top i'd rip it in half and they just tick their arms in the bread with a stick of butter just go and fucking buttered his bread buttered the bread in the they're back in it he's the gelson's the gelson's right before the pandemic gelson's across the street from my old house it opened a wine bar in it and so you could go in i would go i love this more than anything

walking in around sunset going to the wine bar having a glass of wine then doing a little bit of grocery shopping then coming back having another glass of wine then doing a little grocery shopping come back having another glass of wine and then buying a bottle of wine from them and going home and being like i got groceries fucking hammered it was the fucking great i ate half of them but still dude i was cherry pits in there i hate to pay for the hell i mean at one point i would i stepped it up and i would i would take a vape pen and all of a sudden i'm getting fucking yeah your party club hammered like club hammered at a grocery store coming back with the weirdest shit i'm like hey we're making matzabal soup tonight she's like fuck what's matzabal soup it's august

i would get some weird purchases back then this guy's fucking out of his mind will you put gum under the table will you eat gum from under the table he's like a goat no i look over he's chewing the can get off the couch come under the tables should be understood i the one the one of the worst ones and this is one sagura makes fun of me for the most was lianna and i when we first moved in together uh we we lived in this apartment downstairs then we moved to the big apartment upstairs that night sagura and christina came over for dinner in our new apartment and we had moved our we had moved our dining room our our coffee table upstairs and as we were moving upstairs we

lifted it and we flipped it upside down to carry it and underneath i had been taping my toenails taping them i would cut my toenails and then instead of throwing them away i'd grab tape and i'd tape them and then i'd tape them under the thing thinking one day so like my my goal was one day we'll see this and we'll laugh right and then i would got to be there the day lianne saw it and i got to see the look on her face and i could not stop laughing at the look on her face of like oh i forgot i did that for both of us so that we could both see it and she told it to tom that night and he looked at me like i was a fucking wild animal yeah he was looking at you like that you're taping your toenails to the bottom of the table and i was like yeah taking the time to tape

the toenail it's one thing to like flick it behind the couch or i do that with uh with with um uh two tips i put them on the door jams and no one can reach them so i and no one in my house can reach the door jams so where's the pay where's the pay off on that they're just all every door jam has a fucking set of q-tips 30 years from now we're gonna have a real big laugh yeah and i'm dead and gone and you guys go to move those new owners are gonna laugh uh that's great where do you all right if you're in your car you know and you pick your nose where's that going in my mouth whoa oh ladies and gentlemen we interrupt this broadcast

it's holy shit did you just admit to being a booger eater oh we're gonna have to cut this yeah don't be don't be giving out stuff that you're gonna make us cut later on lianna fucking gets so mad at me she'll be like did you just eat a fucking booger with your wife in the car i asked by yourself i'll do it i'll do it i don't give a fuck what's the difference between this and that oh i mean have you ever snorted and you get a chunk of booger in your mouth yeah yeah it's the same fucking thing it's called society right those rules dude he's got his pants on this kid's bonkers i'm jonathan living seagull jesus that i've read holy shit in the mouth wow and i don't give a fuck i wipe from the front

and i eat boogers i don't give a fuck i wiped from the front for a long time you switched yeah wait what do you mean from the front go in go in between yeah i do that i think well you'd know yeah i don't know go to wipe your ass i think i go in from the front yeah i go from the front and i go catcher when i when i go catcher dude throw the signs when i when i i've said it on stage at times where i i've talked about wiping my ass and oh because i'm because i'm right now i'm at the right now i'm at the cusp weight 255 of whether or not you're too fat to wipe your ass i've i'm crossing that bridge now yeah and so when you get there way bigger than 255 i don't know i didn't mean that i wasn't trying to misrepresent

myself i guess it's a personal weight for each person i was weighted the trainers today i'm 403 i admit that i meant it's starting to become a problem that's like on patreon you just dropped 403 it's starting to become an issue uh back so you've gained 13 pounds in the weight loss challenge good to know the vegas odds were 20 so i'm doing okay hey i made out like a bandit regardless but i found a solution for it a reacher no what hiring somebody is that what this guy does pick them up at the sky lounge you get a stick i guess big pun had a stick that he'd wipe his ass with i picture one of those things that like throw the tennis ball for the dog that would be pretty good something like that but with the claw my girlfriend's gonna be really upset

clean the paintball oh i love this um so we have uh you know a detachable shower hose so i've created what i call the american bidet which is i do my business i do my business i flush it so no one sees that there is no toilet paper in there and i get in the shower and i squat down and i put it on the massage and i blast it out well you know hello tushy has a great option yeah installs in under eight minutes believe that don't don't need any like this fucking guy there better be one of that bag this may be a you better be head of my apartment to install one right now that's what you're dropping you gotta pay to play around here christian that he'll smash his out there too bird what the fuck can't tell me give me my athletic greens right now athletic green give me my ag1

these mugsy jeans are comfortable i'm stuffing blue shoes down my mouth that's coinbase.com folks i think i could use some therapy better help.com promo code garbage that one i'll get behind folks are you shitting in the shower are you a fan piece of shit. Segura was the first person that turned me on to bidets i would like i've used them in europe they're fantastic i have a backless toilet so i can't get one a tankless city tankless oh okay yeah yeah those the fucking bidet is a game changer i know i know i get it going so hard it breaks the the o-ring so i like to go on your butt i like it to go in a little bit yeah i like it nice and clean back there as fat as i am i do and i even sometimes if i don't have time to take a shower in my home toilet i

want that on record in my home toilet i will poop i will flush and then as i go in to wipe my butt i'll let the toilet paper hit a little bit of water and then i'll do it like that really yeah get a little wet wash on there that brings up a question if you're in a public restroom right i'm already excited and you got a poop it's in a way game you know not ideal but you got to do it how are you cleaning that toilet what's your procedure i hold on i say you're not doing anything you're bareback he's eating boogers so what are you talking about so uh for the most part i was i was a big toilet seat cover guy like the like the you can't get the spread though well you don't go deaf you got to rip the front and then kind of you got to piecework i had a i had an incident

with one of them one time where i long flight i take a shit the airport long flight get home wake up the next morning naked and my wife's like did you take a shit at the airport yesterday i was like there's a flight attendant in there she was like she was like that paper toilet seat cover was still there in your in your underwear on my i had i don't wear underwear so i had taken a shit on it i'd sat for so long it became one with me that's my biggest i put my pants on over it i sat on it for a five hour fucking flight i then i then went to sleep in it and then got up and it was still there and leon was like holy fucking shit like a craft single so yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but now it's kind of like now i'm kind of like i don't think i don't think you need to do

anything i'm out i'll look for piss but if it's dry like yeah you got to make sure it's dry now here's a question for you if you sit down on a toilet seat and it's warm does it it does it just happened to me yesterday in the bathroom here love it and i pretty sure it was to toby which bothered me as i was yeah if you know the person i was just mind out of mind over matter it's a strip it's anonymous here like what one did he choose and i thought i chose right but i sat down it was warm and i'm like i picked the wrong one yeah but i was already in there he'll dump he'll take toilet paper put it in the water wipe the seat you're eating boogers dude hold on you got a loose toothbrush in your pocket you're eating boogers man no no no that's what you're

doing is way worse what you're doing is way fucking worse it's way worse dude it's way worse builds up the immune system dude he's doing that mid pandemic he's just raw dog in it into a toilet were you raised by fucking poppers were your were your were your parents train jumpers going town to town pooping in other people's bed no no this is how we do it this is how we do it that insane good god oh god this you have a preferred benedict salmon florentine grab uh what do you like what you know it's are you an eggs benedict guy i'm a big i'm a big eggs benedict guy but i end up just eating the egg i don't oh i'll tell you what if i have an eggs benedict that i could pick catfish eggs benedict whoa i had it the other day not you're not eating the

english muffin i don't touch a muffin why not uh i don't know you not like them no no i don't like them either i do it's just it i gotta wait hold on hold on you don't like english muffins i have a weird i have weird punitive things in my diet that i know he knows and crannies that i don't fuck with so like um so like if i eat a hot dog i will take half of the bun off and then because i love hot dogs but i feel really guilty with that much bun so i'll take half the bun off and just use half of a bun to eat a hot dog i get that and so with eggs benedicts i love eggs benedict but i feel really guilty eating the the muffin the muffin and i know that the part i really likes the egg and the meat and so i'll just get eggs benedict i sometimes i'll just get the eat the

egg part i love eggs you are such a rare form of gluttony and discipline yeah we need like it's a bizarre it's i'm a bizarre like i i was explaining to someone the other day i i i'm more effective in life if i'm hungover i'm more i get more done because i wake up with a fire under my ass going working going you fucked up you party last night you deserve this get the fuck out of bed let's get on the treadmill let's work out let's get shit done uh and if i if i haven't drank i wake up and i'm like i feel pretty good i think i'm gonna have breakfast this morning and then i make breakfast and i'll be like i'm gonna hang go get a coffee or whatever yeah and i so i can't i can't get shit done if i don't you don't have the motivation yeah if i drink i

i have motivation except i wake up and i go one day one day you're gonna wake up with a stroke one day you're gonna be dead you need to get the fuck out of bed this you need to get that poison out of your body time to work out get on the treadmill get in the sauna get in the polar plunge let's get fucking working and get on the phone add a couple podcasts get on go to new york get there early like yeah that's how my brain works it's working don't give it you know it ain't broke don't fix it you know something else my friend i i'm a really i'm a i i'm a like uh what's it like a shark because i can't stop moving yeah i start moving i start getting depressed i start getting in my head and then all of a sudden i fucking fucking it's like i don't i just don't

need it yeah i gotta gotta keep it cooking that's why i like going out when i go out on tour i go for three weeks straight and i just don't come home because if i come home it's just i'm it's like i'm slowing down so i just go out and then you work every single day you work and like they just started putting because i was doing it so bad they just started putting literally a day in my calendar where they're like day off and then i'm forced to take the day off i don't i can't i'm fucking i'm supposed to have a day off next monday and i fucking already booked schultz's podcast i'm like that that's not work yeah i go fucking yeah i go out this isn't work no is this what i mean are you being serious like

we're laughing and drinking beers on this light outside this is far from work someone's telling me that this is a fucking job yeah no i mean i know we make money doing it but no work i was i was waiting tables for 10 hours two years ago i let me tell you something i'm not i'm not doing double shifts on that shit yeah like i'm doing double shifts on the stuff i love doing of course yeah no for sure for sure and you are the machine um preferred casual dining establishment mr not fast food not fast food olive garden applebee we're gonna get that uh what preferred it's an italian restaurant olive garden no i can't i can't fuck cabrera's no no no no no carrabbas oh no i can't do any of those types like you had to choose no you got to go you got

to go to a tgf fridays and chilies a ruby tuesdays um a bonefish grill oh i like bonefish a lot yeah i like i like one of those like a carrabbas bonefish okay i know i can't do chilies everything in chili seems pretty processed to me yeah i i can't do cheesecake factory because everything's really everything just went for the first time wherever the fuck we were on uh syracuse syracuse my mind was blown oh it's but if you look like i was in a casino if you look at the calories they're through the roof i have a heart you're not a fridays guy no i mean i am if i'm on the road in like richmond and then and that's the only place i don't necessarily yeah i remember going to uh i think chilies the first time my first saw fajitas i was telling my dad this

can hear him coming and it was the first time i was like maybe 10 years old and they came around the corner and i went i like yeah and my dad just goes you can fucking forget about it yeah that's a fucking nightmare with you i'm not getting it you're gonna get burned fuck that we're not getting that but yeah i remember for you i remember seeing fajitas for the first time i was like that's that's the way i want to live yeah my family never had the confidence to order fajitas we were like a very don't look at me type table you know that shit wasn't coming to the foley's table really but i know exactly what you're talking about i had that moment too like god damn what those guys are partying over there yeah shit's still cooking oh i'm walking

it through the restaurant god i love fajitas like that's my go-to order if i'm going to eat it mexican food it's fajitas it's yeah that's a good time what's the coffee pot situation at the house so it's it's mixed we have a we have a i think it's called a bramble it's a really nice coffee oh they're really good we got i have that juicer the bramble juicer bramble is that it you put all the beans in it first and then you put the water in it and then you tell them how many how much you make and it makes it for you pretty good my my wife does that every morning however i have i've started something called a happiness journal and so because i because i saw rob dirdeck talking about quantifying his happiness i watched that and i was fucking i can tell you how many bad days i had in

the past five years i'm like wow that was crazy it was like six or something like that but what i started doing was going i i know the things that make me unhappy but i still do them and i was like i can like hot sauce i know that a hot sauce makes me unhappy i know it does and i still do it and i was like i wonder if i could just really kind of highlight the things that make me happy and then because there are things that make you happy that after you do them you're like i i'm always feeling good after i work out so one morning i woke up and i did not want to get out of bed and i went hold on i wrote down on my happiness journal that working out and hanging out with my daughters are two things i can identify that made me happy but i still want to stay in bed and

i went hold on you know these are things you are identified that make you happy so get out of bed and go get coffee for the girls like both the girls they're orders and leanna in order in my order and then i came home and i made breakfast for georgia and we hung out and then i was like i'll now i can go back to bed and then georgia's like you're gonna work out and i was like i know that it makes me happy so i went and i worked out and then all of a sudden i had the fucking greatest day and i was like oh so that's what i've been doing is trying because of rob dierdek trying to identify the things that make me happy and focus on them so like today i said i know alcohol makes me happy but i also know that if i drink alcohol at barstool

i will then be unhappy yeah it'll be soggy the rest of the day i gave this podcast was my swing books i know i'll probably drink with pig j so i was like i was like if i can get to hear and know that i and not be drunk then i know i'll be happy sure so i got here and then you were like do you want a beer and i went i do because i know i'm happy great how about that i got it all figured it the fuck out just highlight the things that make you happy write them down just write them down on a fucking piece of paper and then even things like when you go like you know you know stretching in the morning makes you happy then just add it into your life and then you can find more happiness i guess it's pretty simple to do yeah on paper you know it's easy to yeah but it's

tough when you're faced with it like to get out to actually get out of bed like you said most people i'll fuck it i'll just stay in bed man mr. burr cresher ladies and gentlemen thank you i'm adam this has been a fucking wild ride it's a fucking heater this has been this has been revealing i like it see this is what we could do it honestly 14 more episodes i'm gonna i'm an analogy no an anomaly an anomaly i'm an algorithm i'm an algorithm i'm more of a metaphor to be honest with you holy shit ladies and gentlemen the world famous greek theater in los angeles california may 5th yep sing the king's theater while you're here you're torn all over the place yep you are the machine i'm in brooklyn i've never really been to brooklyn when i lived here i i have been a

bro i go to brooklyn like once every three months yeah yeah i was thinking about going to peter luger's tonight that's a tim dillon move isn't it nothing wrong with it luger's is good all right well okay yeah luger's is great okay any more questions well yeah well he just put up luger's yeah we got a big steak we're a big steakhouse company over here big steakhouse fam say you go to luger's you the security whoever what how what give me the give me the rundown real quick it's burt's dinner it's burt's dinner hey you're going it's going to be uj him oh well first of all what i'll do is i'm gonna order i'm gonna i'm gonna say you're quarterbacking the situation oh yeah i'm ordering for everybody and we do that i do that all the time we call it called cruise keys

we're one personal order all the meals i will order if say if it's all of us i will order uh one two three i'll order four steaks uh they'll all be medium rare and they'll all be sliced for us yeah we'll get a filet we'll get a quarter house we'll get a ribeye we'll get we'll load it up right some dry aids this guy could probably order like no one else you'd give ten dillon a run for the and then we're gonna get what i don't know what putter peter luger's has on the menu but i would love to get some pastas i want to get a lot of like i love to go to steakhouses and get a side pasta of like uh shrimp scampi and because it just it's such a different flavor we're getting lobsters and we're and we're gonna each get our own lobster whoa and and then we're gonna do a seafood

tower to start nice and we're getting lots of the like we're doing all all the starches they have we'll do all their starches and we'll have a couple i'm gonna say i want some i want some roasted garlic with it and then we'll do a couple greens but not many and then definitely bread nice dessert table we're all gonna start with a martini a dirty martini and then we're gonna speak in a big man's language right now we're gonna be like i'm a Manhattan man but he likes a dirty marty we're all going dirty martini to start while we while we pick our wine nice and then we go this guy's and i think we're related i'm not gonna lie i might be a christian and then you might be a foley which is tough luck for you buddy yeah there'll be a bunch of people coming out of the works

for that cash and then when he gets done he goes do you guys want dessert i said uh bring out your four favorite desserts nice and i don't even want to i don't even want to know what they are for the table everybody share everybody just like like just grabs man and i've already given my credit card you don't know when you do that when you do that right when i walk in right when i walk in right when you're seated before i seated i give him my credit card and i said i did that with Ralph he made one time that was a mistake yeah fucking no i fucking sushi was just me and him and it was twelve hundred dollars it was fucking he ate a dolphin yeah god i want to go to a steakhouse i'm not watering right now we're a big state we're we do gallagers in midtown not too far from

our old school they like we like what they do it's you know everything it's like real old school it's all mahogany they got a lump crab cocktail that'll blow your hair back really the ice cold chunks of just sweet delicious crab meat fantastic we went a little bit of remula a little bit of cocktail we went to this place called red ash in austin red ash good might be the best meal i've ever had my life it was it was it was everyone from the tour me dave williams and steve fury my cousin andrew my cameraman john man's and peter and we got fucking wasted and we ate like crazy and then the next night i went to a sushi restaurant with segura that i did i'd been to before but i was so drunk i don't remember it and i remember it's a find out where they bring out

two pieces at a time two pieces two pieces two pieces chef's menu and i was like the last time i was there i was like uh sushi boat please and they were like we don't do sushi boats i'll do the shrimp tempura extra ketchup oh god wow um i'm assuming that credit cards made out of some kind of metal uh you know so funny i don't even have any credit cards on me anymore really yeah he has them what and that's the level you're rolling at birdie boy you kidding me i don't have any mine i don't i don't even roll with credit i hear about that in drake songs no i well it's i'm you're the most successful person i've ever met in my life no i'm just irresponsible i'm irresponsible and i lose them or i or i just i fucking put them in a pocket if i use them i'll put them in a pocket

and i'll find them like a month later i did the same thing with money i'll i'll get a lot of money and then put it in a pocket and not realize i have it and then go out i yeah i have a wallet on you do you have your id i do have it i have a wallet right now but like i haven't i lost it for i lost it for a week i found it right before we left last night i'd put it in a box whoa you're handling the cat that's fucking the coolest thing i went to vegas i went to vegas not not to flex but i went to vegas to buy a rolex flex that's this we want you to flex successful people come on the show it's a big flex i went to vegas and i and i and i i've wanted a rolex i have i have a rolex but i wanted i wanted to buy one for this tour to kind of remember the tour remember this watch and i

went to a bunch of rolex places no one has any stock and we went to this one in vegas and i was like and segura texted me he's like man you you're busting your ass you're one of the hardest working dudes i know you you he's like you fly to austin once a month to fucking do two bears you're touring non-stop you have a movie coming out you are burning the candle at both ends treat yourself get the fucking rolex hell yes so i went to get the rolex and i had to have him pay for it it was the weirdest i was the weirdest fucking thing the lady's like he's gonna pay for it i was like it's my it's my card but yeah he's like i pay the bill but it's it and so i bought a rolex and he paid for it is the card in his name or is that your name it's in your name right

it's a company card with a company card with his name yeah yeah so hell i'm intrigued by you what are you there yeah holy shit it's a nice watch i really like it good for you man yeah thank you i really like it i have another one my dad gave me one when i was a kid my dad's giving me two and and i love the one my dad gave me because he gave it to me for my 40th birthday but there's something different about this one it's not as nice as the other one but it's it's because i bought it on tour and i've been looking at watches and that i was like could i really enjoy this one i haven't i haven't taken it off yet that doesn't give me this one it's a citizen that's a good looking one i was looking at your

watch that was our birthday present or christmas present those both stink i'm a movement man guys that's garbage mvmt.com slash garbage he's watching stink oh my god movement shout out the fucking movement god damn it there's only one more thing i'd like to know if i could if we have a we have a second of course it's real quick you go to a wedding close friend maybe your relative maybe a niece or a nephew how much is he putting in the envelope i gotta run out to the car real quick so i'm a big time razzle dazzle guy oh it's a little bit of a show we know it that's why i is big guy i like it on me i like to shine i like the sparkle of things if you want to write it down like a rich guy and slide it across his real big on writing numbers down and slide so that's a rich

people do i have a hard i have a hard time like sorry because i'm not i'm this i want to say this right way so it doesn't he says i give a blender i'm gonna shoot myself no so uh so i like big presents like we had a kid like i'll tell you this this is gonna sound crazy and if you don't understand the backstory you're not gonna get it i'm spending a hundred thousand dollars on tom's birthday this year i yes yeah yeah yeah okay so like fantastic so like and also attacks right off so yeah so so smart business so uh money to make money you know what i mean so if you're talking about it probably on the president of the party on the president i'm buying him a race car they started one up in each other yeah this we started one up in each other so he bought me a

$3,000 bike and he and tom is the one that introduced me to how great presents were how great we just did that this year because we just started making money so we bought each other christmas presents and it's and it's really fun i bought him that bass guitar $2,000 did you really yeah it was 600 he's lying to 700 and i got him a nintendo switch the good one they both hate them uh so tom bought me you don't play the bass do you by chance yeah i do tom tom put tom bought me an electric bike for $3,000 and i was blown away by how much i loved it and how i didn't expect it and how he kind of knew what i wanted and so then not a bass guitar i see what i'm saying i said i'll buy you a better griff gift next year and i'll spend more money let's do that let's promise to spend more money on

each other as we go and my gift last year was $70,000 and now this year i had to spend a hundred thousand dollars on him and so then next year to see know that you're giving him this oh yeah oh yeah i had to get his sizes for his uh filet moutard and suit like i like an actual race car i bought him a race car we're starting a stock car we're buying we're starting two bears racing and it's tom's our driver rogan will drive at times why don't you come to me with these ideas and uh wait are you getting in a NASCAR no we're doing uh endurance racing in in like that i think it's the m6 series like lamans that kind of shit yeah like the long ones and so we'll go in it's like a 24 hour race it's i bought him a $56,000 race car it's beautiful it's an

edge we're getting it wrapped right now it's uh head over here talking about crab meat at some state yeah and then i and then i bought him i bought him a trailer i bought him a trailer for the car i bought three race outfits i got a a smoker that's attached to our trailer and i got him four new tires just in case and so you were starting two bears racing and the best part is we're selling ad sale space on the car and uh and i'm dude it's like i love having dumb ideas so when you talk about like there was a kid who's turned uh who turned uh 13 and i and i bought him a jet ski yeah and my wife's like what the fuck are you doing i go because his dad's gonna fucking keep it in his garage yeah and so and so i don't have no problem if i'm going to a wedding being

the guy like i've been getting drunk getting on go fund me's lately and just dropping money on people's go fund me's just being and then because then you get the email and you get to keep up with them i'm like there was this kid that was in an accident from philly i kind of i got donated a bunch of money to his go fund me and i shared it people hate when you share a go fund me they're like you're rich why don't you just pay for everything and i was like go fuck yourself i gave ten thousand dollars okay so i gave ten thousand dollars to one guy a guy i know who had cancer i gave him ten thousand dollars and so i'll get drunk and go on go fund me and especially at like a hundred bucks five hundred bucks a pop i'll take a look and see where the top donation is yeah

and and i always put my name i always put my name yes what the fuck are you out of me anonymous can suck my ballsack who the fuck donates anonymous money to go fund me yeah well you know what i do what the fuck i also put berkreicher but i put five bucks you know what i do you know what i do when i go to gelsons and they have hey do you want to donate a dollar i go yes sure i'll donate one dollar and then i'll write brad pit and people will go brad pit do you believe that sheepsgate i made 20 million rest year yeah that's awesome yeah so if i'm going to a wedding and you're talking about uh a nephew a buddy's friend i will give a buddy's kid i'll probably give i'll probably give 15 grand and try to cover their their honeymoon like some of their honey what i'm sorry these

headphones are fucked up sound like you said 15 grand probably 15 grand if like you're talking about like a family member yeah like yeah yeah oh i mean i would spend more is that what you're asking no we're ran oh if if you think the next highest answer we've asked was a thousand was like 15 oh no no no no no i would definitely i'm way over i roll into chinese new years with 2022 dollars of fresh ones and give it away like give it away i mean i threw what's chinese new years i said that like i celebrate oh chinese new years is the fucking greatest holiday of the fucking year we just celebrate it that's where i met Oliver stone at chinese new years we get we get a dragon to come to the house and then scare all the bad demons out of the house

and then we and then it's good luck to gamble so what i'll do is i'll get 2022 the whatever year it is fresh ones brand it's gotta be crisp ones and then i i just give it to kids and i'll make the kids gamble for it i did noses on the table so the kids kept their noses on the table and i had 400 bucks in the center and i was like whoever keeps her nose on the table gets it and these like a radio station hour and a half and then i and then i take i'll take a hundred dollars throw it in the pool in like a bag with a rock in it and those kids will dive in and i give away two thousand dollars and it's fun as fucking shit this guy parties dude if you're talking awesome so if you're talking about like if you're talking about like a family member's

wedding i would i was i was given i had i was broke when i got married and and we went to a really nice honeymoon and we couldn't afford it and someone covered the bill and that that the world that changed it changed it it it it was told to me it was it put my wedding on a better my marriage on a better footing yeah you weren't going out you weren't starting your wedding in the hole in the hole you were having the greatest time you could have and i got it i want you to have that as a gift for your marriage and without a fucking doubt if it's a family member i'd be like i'll take care of it which tell me what your nut is for your uh honeymoon and then i'd find it out and i just cover it and that that's i'm in the place where i can do that right

now and it doesn't ruin me yeah that's what i do i mean if i was younger i probably couldn't have done that but now i can mr. fucking crazier dude you're fucking something else bro no that's why i said hit us up if i broke your computer i'll buy you a new one it's a little wonky i just want to say also i'm getting married next week and the computer is 45 grand by the way ladies and gentlemen mr. bird christian god damn it holy gang we fucking love you bird anything you want to tell the folks uh thank you for having me on i enjoy i enjoy this podcast and i and it was a stretch i was i was nervous that you guys like i said you're gonna go we don't have time for you dude it sounds so corny but whatever i'm sharing it we made this show with guys like you and mine yeah and

the fact that in two years we started the show as fucking literal nobodies and to have you sitting at this table means the world means the fucking world to us that means so much to us that means to be honest with that means the world that guys like you even know who i am that like you're crazy dude talking about i feel like i feel like i feel like i'm not even in the game anymore like i'm just like i just like one of the most successful comedians yeah we were working today what are you talking about i swear to god me t-bone and foley had this conversation outside maybe maybe four days ago smoking a sink we're like all right who else can you know let's look up what like who can we get and we're like burp would obviously be a great and i go hopefully in a year we'll get them oh no

two days later you texted me and my head almost exploded well let me tell you tomsa girl's got a big tour to promote to me and when he comes to new york i heard he gets 20 grand if you're gonna wait what's he gonna break when he's in here when tomsa girl when tomsa girl tomsa girl he's a gift yeah he is a gift guy he is a you know what he started doing he started bringing dudes he grew up with on the road he'd be like let me fly you out i'll fly you out first class i'll put you up in a hotel i'll bring you out to the show we'll take you to dinner we'll do something fun that next day and then i'll fly you home yeah it's like a vacation for you yeah he's like and people will be like why are you doing this and he's like because i like to look on your face when you enjoy

it damn tom is a gift motherfucker man you guys are fucking next level cool bro next level cool thank you gang we love you we'll see you next week bye ticket to a live show peace